Is Their "Ex" The Narcissist, Or Are They?

One way to tell if a person might actually the Narcissist, or if they're telling the truth about being the "victim" of their past relationships with alleged abusers or crazies:

How are their exes doing (or ex-friends or family members)?
Do their exes seem like they're recovering from some kind of traumatic time in their life, or are they doing pretty well, even quite well?

How many of their exes are doing well, compared to how many are not, who appear to be having a hard time of it?

Narcissists use the resources of whoever they attach themselves to, or whoever they happen to be attached to because of family or work or community relationships.
They don't support another person who is in any kind of need (unless they're pretending to in order to gain their trust and get closer to them.)
They don't support the other person, even though the person is supportive toward them, so the other person often ends up becoming very depleted in most or all ways (emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally, etc.)
They often destroy or take away the means of self-support a person had.
They also take away the person's support network if they can (friends and family), if the people around them are easily influenced. Many people are, and will turn on a person quite easily if they're led in that direction.
Because they are typically abusive in many ways, they often leave deep scars on a person who they were connected to in relationship, and the closer the relationship (the more the person trusted them), the deeper the impact.

So the target of a Narcissist often ends up in a much worse position than they were before the met them, and can end up with a lack of "friends" who were apparently superficial in the first place, or they would still be around, especially when the person went through such trauma. 

Since Narcissists only take but don't give, they often end up in better positions, and often continue to gain and gain throughout their lives. They also tend to be good at cultivating and maintaining superficial "friendships" that don't require any genuine, real-life-mutual support like one would need to give in a healthy friendship, family or romantic relationship, so they often appear to be surrounded by good relationships.

Narcissist Formula

Don't forget the formula:
The more you are dealing with, the less the Narcissist can "tolerate" being supportive of you. The more knowledgeable, skilled, or talented you are, the more they will try to put you down, invalidate you, belittle you, or sabotage you. The more impassioned you are, the more "annoyed" they will be with you. The more you talk, the more they feel like they're not getting to talk. The more you help them, the more they resent you. The kinder and more supportive you are toward them, the LESS they will be toward you.
And don't forget about the stereotypes, gender roles, and bigotry (sexism and racism, heightism, ageism, classism, etc etc).
It's all real, and it's all the time.
THEY are not YOU, THEY don't control LIFE on this planet, or YOUR life.

If They Want You To Be "Wrong"

If a person wants you to be wrong, resents or envies you, or wants to have control, favor, or popularity over you for whatever personal issues they have, they are likely to:

argue with you about anything

"snap at" you about anything

criticize you for anything at all

judge you as inferior

be purposely non-supportive of your endeavors or goals

be purposely non-supportive of you when you have difficulties

put you down, insult you, make fun of you, harass you

imply that you are crazy, self-centered, or histrionic

make demands of you

not use "manners" or courtesy when talking or interacting with you

cast blame and shame on you for random things

be dishonest with you

invalidate whatever you say or express

say that you're wrong no matter what you're saying (even if you repeat what they just said a few minutes ago, verbatim)

treat you like you don't belong

try to make you feel like you don't belong or "unliked" by treating others around you with attention and courtesy, but NOT you, on purpose.

may try to turn others against you

~
These behaviors are flags that you are dealing with a person of lesser maturity who may have a problem with entitlement, a lack of boundary health, and is probably very insecure, or fearful, or intimidated by you. 

Abuse Can Cause Mental Illness

Constantly being exposed to abusive people behaving abusively can and often does cause mental/emotional illness. Especially for targets of abuse, and especially for targets of abuse who are not being supported or protected by those around them.
Typically in communities and families where Narcissism is present, people often abandon or attack a target of abuse INSTEAD OF supporting or protecting them.

Mental/emotional illness from the trauma of abuse and abandonment can be healed, however it may require completely removing one's self from one's original environment, creating distance or blocking contact completely from those who were abusive and also from those who were purposely non-supportive.

Controller Narcissists Isolate Their Targets

One of the main reasons Controllers and Narcissists isolate their Targets from others is so that the Target will not have anyone who is supportive of them or protective of them.

A Narcissist will do all kinds of things to isolate a Target from others, and then claim to be a person who cares and is supportive of them. But when the Target seeks even minimal support about anything, the Narcissist reacts with venom, criticism, aggression, or dismissiveness.

They don't simply want some control over the Target, they want complete control. They don't want the Target to have ANY support from any other source.

They don't want the Target to receive any neutral or positive feedback from others either, because neutral and positive feedback from other people is one of the main ways human beings build and maintain their confidence and self-esteem, and know that their mental and emotional health is sound.

Stop The Blame Game, It DOES Take A Village To Raise A Child (Properly)

Only a complete fool puts the blame solely on one (or both) parents when their son or daughter has apparent behavioral or emotional problems in adulthood, including anxiety or depression.

The larger part of a person's life path and behavior was developed because of their experiences during childhood. Children are directly influenced by the rest of the family members, by the kids and adults in the community they grow up in, by the way they're treated by the various people around them, and by the way each of their parents are treated by other people.
They're also influenced by media, but that's only in relation to the influence of the real people around them.

If identical twins were born with identical genetic mental and emotional health and intellect, but they were raised in two distinctly different families and communities (for example one in a supportive atmosphere with minimal sexism, racism, and denial, and one in a chaotic, abusive, or neglectful one), they might retain certain similarities with one another but for the most part they would be very, very different from one another as adults in values, outlook, emotional health, behavior, and life choices.

Where Sexism And Racism Come From

Where does bigotry and bias come from, especially the kind that is expressed in actively harassing, sabotaging, harming, manipulating, and oppressing other human beings?

This is an age-old question that people love to debate. Is it biology or is it taught? Nature vs. Nurture?
Is one sex or ancestry actually superior to another?
Or superior in certain ways?
Or in enough ways to make them DESERVE privilege and power over others?

The actual, objective, fact-based SCIENTIFIC answers to these questions can not be answered at this time, because there is no way to TEST it in a controlled environment.

The current cultural biases in the species is predominantly pro-male and anti-female. This is reflected in the behavior of BOTH males and females species-wide.

This bias has been directly influenced for centuries by the BEHAVIORS that are learned and mimicked from one generation to another. 

That's why so many people have CONTEMPT and resentment toward girls and women, either individuals in their lives, or toward the whole group.

The desire for control over who and what one fears and has contempt for, and ALSO who and what one desires to OWN,  is a common human reaction and behavior.

There are over 7 billion humans on Earth currently, and ALL OF THEM have been directly influenced by the culture and behaviors surrounding them. In other words, EVERYONE has been influenced to believe what others around them believe, both inside and outside of their family.

So scientifically it's not possible to determine if any race or either sex is actually "superior" or "inferior", because EVERY HUMAN ALIVE has been influenced by the bias and beliefs that they grew up with. 

There are NO "controlled environments" where large, racially diverse groups of infants have been raised since birth by NON-HUMANS who are non-gendered and non-biased, who would therefore NOT influence the infants and children either by their own behavior, or by the way they TREAT the babies.

MOST humans treat infants right from birth with bias, due to all kinds of physical traits about the infant, and mostly because of the infants' sex (boy or girl)). So by the time the child is in First Grade, he or she has already been deeply influenced by the biased treatment of adults around them, and their surrounding culture. 
(They are "guided" to "be" a certain way, toward certain behaviors, abilities, and preferences and AWAY from others according to what OTHER people want them to be like, because of what sex they were born with, and also other physical traits like skin color, facial features, size, and vocal intonation. ALSO, MOST people tend to be in deep denial about treating their infants and children with bias, and those who are not in denial but do it anyway may have other issues (mental or emotional) and would not want to change it because they WANT to treat one child as superior, and another as inferior, regardless of the effects on the child.)

Bullies Get What They Want Because Of Fear And Skewed Perception

One of the reasons that bullies seem to get what they want more often is because... they bully other people into giving them what they want on a regular basis, and throw "blame" around when they're not getting what they want.

People tend to try to avoid blame, and they tend to fear potential personal consequences from getting blamed, and also direct aggression from BULLIES, so they tend to cater to bullies for these reasons alone.

On top of that, many people learn (unfortunately) to associate BULLY behavior with "authority" during their youth, and will GIVE bullies and controllers jobs, trust, and positions of authority.
They'll even often stand up for a bully AGAINST the bully's targets, because of this skewed reasoning.

One can witness this often in society at large; when a person complains about being treated poorly, scammed, "discriminated against", or even physically assaulted, MANY people will side AGAINST that person, and WITH the bully or perpetrator, and without wanting to know anything about the actual events that took place. They seem to be identifying with the BULLY.

Flattery PLUS Insults Will Get You Far In Monkey Land

Fake flattery is one of the "skills" learned by many people who seek acceptance by others.

Those who have Narcissism often learn how to do it on another level of skill, and learn how to turn it on when they want something from someone, either material or otherwise (trust, etc.) 

Demeaning, insulting implications and personal criticisms toward others are ALSO part of this "skill set". Those who combine this with fake flattery are often successful at confusing others and building an image that depicts them as having a high level of ability and intelligence.
 
People who don't do fake flattery OR personal insults, or rude (dismissive, disrespectful) behaviors - who live in social climates where these social habits are common - are OFTEN "unpopular", often judged as not fitting in, and often rejected socially, simply because they don't do and say the things that others are used to, or that they expect from them. 

They don't flatter people just to get their approval, nor do they insult people just to get a laugh or to bully them, and they don't GO ALONG with it when others do these things, either to them or to other people. It's not just that they openly reject or "call out" the behaviors, it's more about simply not doing them, nor responding favorably to them.

~When a person tries to flatter OR bully them, they just don't give the expected response, so the person doesn't get what they were looking for. So therefore, the person doesn't "like" them.

These behaviors (fake flattery, insulting or bullying comments and actions) become normalized in varying degrees in cultures, and people who feel like they fit in tend to see them as "Just The Way We Are", "Just The Way Everyone Is".
So when a person does not go along with it for ANY reason, they are noticed, and often REACTED TO negatively. 

This is one of the main reasons why those with Autism traits are often treated poorly. They tend not to go along with social habits such as flattery or bully displays, nor do they respond to them.
So it's hard for a person to get their approval, adulation, or their trust with mere words, or just because everyone else apparently thinks they're "cool" or in some way superior,  NOR are they easily intimidated with "toughness" or bully displays, NOR can others get them to accept or believe in anyone's superiority over them, typically.   

Red Flag: Narcissism or Control

Red flag:
Prone to contempt and resentment toward others as an initial reaction to those who are physically different than themselves (sex, ancestry, religion, "class", appearance, age, etc).
Prone to extreme, even hateful bias against those who are different than themselves; those who are the "same" as they are are considered simply "in disagreement", or are listened to with at least some measure of respect.
However if the "different-minded" person is physically different than themselves, of a certain sex or ancestry, age, etc., they feel and express contempt toward the PERSON.

Contempt for others who are physically different than they are.
Contempt for young people and children.
Racism and/or sexism,esp. toward young people.
Contempt for people who have a different point of view.
Expressing contempt for others at every opportunity.
Apparently like to feel contempt and rationalizes and justifies it as if it's valid no matter who or what it's about.
Prone to contempt FIRST, not trying to understand another person's point of view or having any respect for their personhood or differences, or simply the body they were born in.

This may be more biologically-based than learned, however it's hard to tell since those who display this kind of severe bias and hate-thinking have often been raised around one or more other people with the type of attitude and apparently pathological prejudice.

The desire for superiority and deep-seated insecurity are at the root of this contempt-hate thinking, but again, it can be learned from others as well during youth as if it's perfectly "normal".
For example if a child has a classmate who intimidates them, an adult with these issues might tell the child not to worry about that classmate because they're "inferior" to them because of their sex or race, INSTEAD OF giving the child guidance about dealing with feeling insecure, or understanding other people, how to treat other people, and dealing with other people's behavior, personality, or differences.

Usually, those with this type of contempt-thinking desire to be superior and supreme over either another race or the opposite sex, and it's typically based in their identification with certain family members, or certain individuals they've idolized who they think are "superior", or who they think OTHERS see as superior.
They typically want to be SEEN as "superior" like that person, via their sex, ancestry, or both (or for some other superficial reason).
They'll often be seen doing and saying things to put others down, trying to make it come true, and trying to recruit others to go along with them in projecting "inferiority" onto others.

Superiority issues are based in insecurity, not confidence: one does not worry about whether frogs are equal in intellect or capability, and does not try to oppress them or rule over them. However humans have always tried to "tame" and dominate other creatures that intimidate them.

Again, this contempt and severe-bias thinking is usually "learned" during childhood, and it may be either directly taught by those with superiority/insecurity issues, or inadvertently by adults who have been normalized and desensitized to it by those around them in their own youth.

Humans Aren't That Nice

The reason there are "affirmations" and quotes that are passed around like pieces of treasure ~ about being a "good person" , being a true friend, being good to others, basically just doing what people SHOULD be doing on a regular, daily basis, is because these things are NOT natural and normal to a lot of people, maybe the majority of people. They don't know how to treat others with respect, integrity, or fairness, and many don't even know what's so important about it.
Their "norm" is favoritism, personal gain at the expense of others, gossip, resentment, envy, and trying to act dominant over others, and they get feedback that it's "normal" from people around them. It's not the "norm" for humans to live as ethical, fair-minded, empathetic, cooperative and caring people. The common denominator is automatic self-centeredness and self-preservation, not the other way around.

For most humans, manners, ethics, fairness, integrity, and kind behavior need to be TAUGHT and modeled by those around them. Humans mimic who and what are around them, it's just a fact.
Many of us grew up expecting others to be a lot more mature than they are able, and this expectation has caused us significant pain and problems in our lives.
We don't have to judge or hate in order to accept that the world of humans is not nearly as "good" as we had expected, and accepting the truth may help us come to terms with a lot of the things that we've had to deal with.
Humans as a species are more like wild cats than bunny rabbits, CAPABLE of kind and ethical behavior, but often more interested in their own gain. It's just the way the species is, Homo Sapien Sapien.

There are obviously humans who are more capable of kindness, integrity, and understanding the importance of it, and they are the ones who keep that alive, just by existing and doing what they do. They are more often targets of abuse than others, because they don't fit in, and because they have something that others want, or that others envy. But when they keep fast to what they know is right, because they know WHY it's right, they are beacons to the world, and guiding lights to others like them who find themselves in the dark.
Namaste to all of you.

Can Abuse Targets Have Narcissism Traits

Narcissistic abuse can actually cause narcissistic traits and behaviors in targets due to the need to protect one's self from boundary and ego violations, as well as physical assault (also a boundary violation). These N. traits can really block recovery, because they cause habits of self-preservation and defensiveness.
~If there are three children standing together with their hands out, and they each receive five candies, there is no issue. But if one of those children is a bully, then he or she might try to take the others' candy.

The automatic reaction of those kids would be to CLOSE their hand and try to hold on to their candy, and defend themselves against the bully.

OR, if the adult handing the candy out is a "Narcissist", he or she might give one of the kids 8 candies (the kid they favor), another one 5, and another one 2, the one they least favor.

This is very likely to provoke superiority in the favored child, suspicion, envy, and superiority in the "middle" child, and resentment, humiliation, self-loathing, and/or ENVY in the scapegoated child.

If these behaviors keep happening without the targeted child being stood up for or protected against the bullying, then it's easy to see why the child would develop all kinds of perceptions about themselves and the world, and develop coping mechanisms that become behavioral habits.

A closed fist cannot receive anything at all, nor can its fingers work or do anything. A closed fist is only useful for one thing. But it's hard to open one's hand if one doesn't feel safe. So one of the important steps in recovery is to seek out and create safety for one's self and one's children, whatever it takes. When one feels safe, one will be able to learn how to open one's hand to receive and give. ~ <3 br="">

Triggered To Feel Humiliation Or Shame

One of the possible effects of Narcissistic abuse:

Being TRIGGERED to feel shame, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety, guilt, or fear when seeing or hearing certain social signals from others.

Sometimes the trigger can be tripped by the mere presence of a Controller/Narcissist, or even someone who might be one.

The feelings triggered have absolutely nothing to do with anything one has actually done, but it often can make a person believe they've done something wrong, OR that someone is accusing them.

Often if a triggered person can't find something they've done wrong recently, they'll try to match the feeling up to something in their past, or something about their character.

If they think they're being accused or blamed (because of the triggered feelings) by someone, they may also try to match up something real to the feeling. Some may not believe that the person is NOT trying to accuse or blame them, or cast guilt or shame on them; they don't realize it's an internal reaction from something they've been through.

This trigger can be one of the most debilitating effects of Narcissistic abuse, because it changes a person's ability to think, perform, and communicate effectively in the moment, and then the person has to go through a period of recovering from the effects of the trigger, and from whatever the event was that took place if it turned out poorly for them.

Controllers are notoriously skilled (or think they are) at using this trigger as a weapon for bullying, and for getting their own way. They may not even be consciously aware of the process, they may have begun doing it in their youth and were never disciplined or guided.

Controller/Narcissists may be very skilled at tripping this trigger on an unconscious level, simply from years of doing it, in the same way one gets better at skating or surfing, or driving, from doing it. (The brain learns whether we are paying attention or not).

This is one of the main ways Narcissists gain control in all kinds of situations. They are not affected, usually, even if they have the same trigger, because they are in the role of "aggressor", "controller", or "predator".

When one puts themselves in the role of aggressor/controller, one is actively seeking to "dominate" either another individual or a group, and therefore one FEELS LIKE they have the upper hand before anything even happens, or anyone even speaks.
When a Narcissist who's "taking control" is challenged, regardless of whether the challenger is right or wrong, they usually respond to the challenge with some sort of bully tactic immediately, reflexively.  

So if one challenges a Narcissist after they've said or done something to trip the "humiliation" trigger, the Narcissist is likely to do something to trip it AGAIN, until the person finally backs down or reacts poorly, overwhelmed by their own neurochemicals (such as adrenaline).

Many who work in the court, judicial and government systems seem to use this on a regular basis to intimidate and confuse people, as do those in various criminal outfits.
Many "business" people use this as well on potential customers, or on employees.
But this can be witnessed in literally any field, including in caregiving, teaching, and counseling occupations, and can be seen in any type of group of people.

Awareness is the first half of the whole battle ~:)

Narcissism MYTHS

Narcissism MYTHS:

~Wealthy people are all Narcissists; wealth makes people become Narcissists

~Good looking people are Narcissists; beauty makes people become Narcissists

~You can tell a Narcissist by looking at them or hearing them talk

~Narcissists are always "glib" and "socially savvy"

~All Narcissists are men

~Some Narcissists are women and you can tell by looking at them

~Poor or Working Class people can't be Narcissists

~You can't be a Narcissist if you're not physically attractive

~Celebrities are all Narcissists

~Politicians are all Narcissists

~Upper management are all Narcissists

~"Regular folks" can't be Narcissists

~Religious people can't be Narcissists

~Teachers can't be Narcissists

~Healthcare professionals and workers can't be Narcissists

~Therapists can't be Narcissists

~Civil rights activists can't be Narcissists

~Animal caregivers, activists, and rescuers can't be Narcissists

~Atheists can't be Narcissists

~Pot smokers can't be Narcissists

~"Green" people can't be Narcissists

~If you belong to a certain belief group, you can't be a Narcissist

~Only certain Political Parties have Narcissism, not the other ones

~People who seem "nice" in public can't have Narcissism

~People from certain regions are all Narcissists

~People from certain regions can't be Narcissists

There are NO "types" of humans who "can't be" a Narcissist, and there are NO types of humans who are automatically Narcissists.

Narcissism is a human condition, the only thing it requires physically is for a person to be a Homo Sapien. Having less empathy neurons in the brain helps also.

The only "kind" of Human that's "can't be" a Narcissist is a child. Children are raised by the adults around them, and are influenced drastically by ALL of the people around them as they grow up, which includes all of the people at school whom they're exposed to, all of the people in their community whom they're exposed to and interact with, and all of the people in their extended family. So if a child is behaving like a "Narcissist", it's probably something to do with the way they're being influenced or treated by someone around them.
If the behaviors and perceptions stick because of too much negative influence and not enough positive influence (which can occur even if the child's parents are good parents), or because of trauma that the child doesn't get to recover from, then the child may develop Narcissism as an adult, unfortunately.

The only way to cure Narcissism (as far as we know currently) is for the person to recognize they need to change first and accept responsibility for their own mental health and choices, and then go and do what it takes to recover, and that's extremely rare for people with this disorder.

Advising You About You

Continually giving advice about things you are already proficient at.

Offering to help you, or forcing help on you, with things you don't need or want help with.

Frequently giving warnings or reassurances about things you don't have anxiety or fear about, often to the point where it may cause a person to develop new anxiety or fear.

Frequently telling you information that you are well aware of, that they really should be aware that you know because of their relationship with you, obvious knowledge about you and your life experience, or past interactions between you. (Sometimes just because you're a breathing adult human.)

Reminding you about things you would not have forgotten (if they hadn't interrupted you so often to remind you.)

Advising you persistently about anything and everything.

Continually trying to correct and fix your hair, clothing, home, car, general appearance, pets, children. Not when you ask for it, and not when something is wrong, just continually correcting anything and everything, whether they know what they're doing or not.  

Giving you advice about things you are proficient at that they are not.

Asking you a question so they can criticize your answer, or argue with you.

Bringing up subjects in order to poke holes in and counter anything you say.

Bringing up subjects ONLY so they can be the one bringing up a subject; when you start to engage in discussion about the subject, they shut it down, claiming they don't want to talk about that.

Pontificating and lecturing about any subject that you bring up, or simple question that you have, assuming that one question means you know zero about the entire subject. (Q: "Is this car a standard?" 
A: "Standard, do you mean does the transmission have a stick shift instead of being automatic? There are several types of car transmissions, if you learn how to drive a manual stick, then you can drive most of them with a little practice. You have to know how to work the clutch and change the gears at the same time... a lot of Guys like it better because it gives you more power but you might not be interested in that... the Porsche has something called a manumatic transmission that combines automatic and manual.........") 


These can be bully tactics, but they can also be caused by other disorders, or even learned familial behaviors.
If it's mental illness and it's about control, then it's likely that the person will become VERY upset, offended, even enraged if one asks them to stop, and will usually refuse to stop doing any of it.

Raging Storms Of Controllers And Oppressors

If you're alone at sea, in a boat that's being tossed by waves and wind, you will be holding on, not paddling or sailing.
You will be trying to stay afloat and keep your balance.
You will be trying to stay alive, not making nets, mending sails, fishing, relaxing, enjoying the salt air, or plotting your course.

This is why fear, chaos, rejection and abandonment are used as tools for control, oppression, and sabotage. They work automatically. When a person is reacting to protect themselves or survive, they aren't doing much of anything else, and they can't think about much of anything else. The harsher the waves, the harder one has to hold on and fight to stay afloat, and the less they are able to think clearly or figure anything out. If no other boats are around, or if other boats refuse to help, then survival until the storm passes or the waves calm is what one must do. But what happens when another storm comes, and another one after that...before a person can recover their strength or mend their sails... or make any headway...or catch some fish...

This is how Control and oppression is done.
Both on a personal scale, and on a larger scale.

The controlled and oppressed are forced to learn things, gather resources, and make repairs in the midst of blowing wind and waves, while holding on to the boat with one hand, trying not to get thrown overboard.

It doesn't matter how expensive or new the boat is, all boats are subject to the effects of a storm, and all sailors are subject to the dangers, and must contend with the waves and the wind.
Someone else purposely creating the storms is what oppression is about, as well as the purposeful refusal to help a particular sailor.

Control Behaviors

Controllers will do whatever it takes to stay in control. Their goal is control, not whatever the goal, activity, or situation is; the project or activity, or relationship is secondary, or may not even be a real goal.
That's why none of your requests or suggestions, opinions, or needs are taken as valid. If they went along with something you requested, suggested, or initiated, that would mean (to them) that you are in control, and they're not. It's also why they try to "take over" whatever you're doing when you ask for their assistance instead of ASSISTING you. It's also why they always have to be "right", and you always have to be "wrong", and it's also why they always want to be the one who "knows more" or has "more experience", regardless of reality.
(They can become very taxing with constant announcements about "things they know" during social conversations, or during any kind of discussion; they seem to see conversation as a competition or an opportunity for displaying one's knowledge, instead of a respectful exchange of information, thought, or feeling and humor. So they may always be trying to "top" you or counter whatever you're saying; they may assume that you're trying to display your knowledge also to compete with them or "top" them.).

They will do things purposely in order to stay in control, such as

~withhold information
~change things around
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's work or project
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's character
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's judgment
~discard, destroy, or give away one's possessions or work
~change times and schedules so they're the one who's "in charge",
~counter anything one says,
~deny one's suggestions and requests,
~claim credit for another's work or idea
~invalidate things one says and expresses,
~ignore,
~not respond,
~stand a person up,
~leave a person out,
~deny one's basic physical needs; make it difficult to obtain them
~refuse to share resources or be unavailable after implying they wanted to "help" (even if helping is their job),
~turn activities into exclusive clubs for only certain types of people
~give "misinformation"
~sneak
~lie
~gossip, triangulate, slander
~threaten
~act tough
~speak abusively
~talk loudly on purpose
~interrupt, talk over others
~criticize
~put others down
~cast "blame" for anything and everything
~cast shame for anything and everything
~micro-manage
~micro-judge
~exaggerate physical problems to get sympathy, leniency, or resources
~make up physical problems to get the above
~sabotage
~deny training, mentoring, instruction
~demean a student while instructing them
~deny proper tools and materials
~deny space or time to work
~deny peace to concentrate
~deny peace, time, space, or care to recover from injury, whether physical or emotional

These are all Control behaviors, either for trying to gain control, or trying to maintain it. There are many more of course, with varying behaviors and degrees of severity; this is a basic list.

Controllers learn to do these things and how to do them because their main goal is gaining or keeping control. So they learn by trial and error, and by watching others, just like one would learn how to do anything else. They can and do learn other things as well, skills, knowledge, etc., but everything they do is always subject to and within the parameters of the motive of control.

Control Habit: Mismatching

"Mismatching" is the practice of finding things that don't match, obviously, and finding things that are incorrect, flawed, wrong, or that are are incongruous or unsymmetrical.

Using it for the purpose of putting someone down, judging them, shaming them, and humiliating them is a common practice for those who seek control or superiority over others.

Mismatching in and of itself is not negative at all, we need it as much as we need "Matching" to keep things running smoothly, figure out solutions, make progress and make repairs to pretty much anything, from planes trains and automobiles to how we relate with the natural world around us, to healthcare, government, science, religion, to personal human relationships. We need both to play games and to make music, to cook, to do accounting, to keep a job, and to raise a family, and to build and maintain friendships. We need both to write and do artwork, and we need them both to run a government smoothly.

When there is healthy planning and building going on, both Mismatching and Matching are happening at the same time in a balanced way, WITHOUT inserting personal preferences, personal favorites, personal resentments, personal dislikes, or personal ego.

People can do "Matching" and "Mismatching" without making it personal, either about themselves or about others, if they maintain objectivity or are genuinely interested in a project, a plan, a solution, or peace and happiness.

(Imagine if most government officials did this instead of what they usually do.) 

Humans tend to have a hard time keeping their personal issues to themselves and staying objective, so they tend to do "Matching" when they LIKE something or someone, and do "Mismatching" when they resent, dislike or envy something or someone.

In other words, they point out things that are "good" or "right" about who and what they like and favor, and point out things that are "wrong" or "incorrect" about who and what they dislike or resent.

Habitual "Mismatchers" do this on a regular basis, more than others, and use it to single people out, bully them, put them down, and humiliate them in front of others. They also tend to use it to get what they want as opposed to doing the right thing.

For example, on Facebook, when a "Mismatcher" agrees with a post, likes it, or it doesn't strike a nerve in their ego, or when they're a "fan" of the poster, they tend to ignore any flaws or typos, and tend to give their stamp of approval for the content of the post. They're displaying good manners because they LIKE it, or like the person~ BUT when someone they resent posts something, they'll look for an excuse to criticize something about the post, or look for an opportunity to argue with or insult the poster. They'll often do it right on the post, or they'll do it offline, talking about it with other people.

It's not because they felt like they needed to say something because the post was so "off" or "wrong" in some way, or because they wanted to share their own point of view (not the same as mismatching). It was because they were LOOKING for an excuse to criticize the person posting. They would ignore "flaws" either in type or content when it's someone they LIKE or agree with, and even make excuses for them, five minutes after they just tried to tear someone else apart for the same exact "flaw".

"Mismatchers" scan for things that they might be able to use as an opportunity to blame or criticize someone for, and will try to use anything at all to turn into a "flaw", or say that it's "incorrect", or even "crazy", in order to put the person down.

    

Triangulation, Blocking Friendships

Seems like every time you talk to someone else, the person in your life you suspect has Narcissism has to insert themselves into the conversation, or literally get between you, or cut you off? Do they seem to get upset whenever you talk to someone when they weren't present, especially someone they know or like, or someone they're apparently intimidated by or jealous of?

(Notwithstanding you speaking to a person who has hurt or betrayed them. That's something that Narcissists will often do; make sure to preserve a relationship with a person who has betrayed, disrespected, or abused their target, and will often do so as if to support and sympathize with the perpetrator, regardless of the original relationship between them. Preserving peace in a family is one thing; being "buddies" and sympathizing with an acquaintance, a "friend", an ex, or family member who treated the target abusively is quite another.)

Or they act hurt or offended, like you're leaving them out on purpose every time you speak to someone else in a friendly manner, or when someone speaks to you?

Triangulation is the name of the game. Because of their paranoia and control issues, they have to control ties between people they know, and communications, and relationships.

If you become "close" with someone else, then THEY might get left out or abandoned by either you or the other person (in their mind).
THEY might become the target of the same things they're already doing to others (or to you) if you make some kind of connection with another person.

Since they control and manipulate ties and relationships between those around them, especially targets, they are likely to fear that they are going to be the one being manipulated or abandoned if they aren't in control of a connection between you and someone else.

If you are a person who has good intentions and healthy relationship practices, you wouldn't triangulate against them, betray them, or abandon them in the first place just because you had a friend.
(If that's not the case, then they might not be paranoid after all.)
But assuming that you do not do those things, and would not to them, then their actions regarding your connections with others has to do with projection, paranoia, or control, or all of the above.   

No Jokes Allowed (Except For Mine)

"Losing" your sense of humor is one of the signs of Narcissistic control, abuse, or influence.
Humor is one of the things that both humans and chimps share, and openly laughing can only take place in relatively safe environments.

Because it's also used as a weapon for demeaning and diminishing others, it's a kind of status display. So in a safe environment anyone can laugh and will be joined by others because no one is thinking of it as a status display or a weapon.

But in a Control, bully, status-competition environment, any nearby Narcissists or Controllers will react negatively to someone laughing whom they want control and domination over (whom they want to be higher status than).

Basically, Controllers typically don't like it when others laugh or make jokes unless they're the ones "being funny", or unless they laughed FIRST.

There are tons of films and shows with scenes that illustrate and poke fun at how Controller Narcissists, often depicted as some kind of Big Boss, expect everyone to laugh at all of their jokes, and don't like it when someone else makes a joke or laughs at something other than what the Controller decides is funny.