Narcissistic Epidemic

Narcissistic behavior means a person is concerned with how everything affects them, not how anything affects you.  A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not just self-centered and immature, they have an actual disorder. A Narcissist will not read this, and if you try to get them to read it, they will belittle you, or criticize this article, or name-call me, the writer, or trash the entire study of human psychology. We all have narcissistic tendencies, but those without the disorder are able to self-examine, self-reflect, and look directly at themselves in a realistic light. They can admit and take responsibility for their behavior, and do not continually deny accountability. They desire, and carry out, positive change in their lives. Those with the disorder fight tooth and nail to deny any "flaws" or "wrongdoing", and they will not make amends toward anyone they have hurt. They don't make amends, because they don't think they have done anything wrong. There is ALWAYS a "reason" for anything and everything they have done, or not done. Anything, and everything. They will react to their own child crying in pain with annoyance and disgust. They will react to their own spouse's tears, frustration or illness also with annoyance, disgust, or defensiveness. (They don't want to have to DEAL with anything that they didn't want to deal with, period. The pain the other person feels is not "real" to them, so they don't care about resolving it. They will often deny that the other person is even really in distress at all. They just want the other person to STOP MAKING THEM FEEL BAD.) They are the ones who step over the man who has just had a heart attack on the sidewalk, UNLESS... they anticipate a reward for being a "hero"... or if they fear being seen failing to act. They are not interested in hearing your point of view, unless you are a "hero" figure, if they have deemed you "above". The narcissistic person always puts themselves before others, even if they seem like they don't. If you watch long enough, you will see it. They seem so interested in you and what you are doing, but that is just to get your trust. Your friendship feels like a mutual admiration society at first; then over time you realize that while you are still supporting their endeavors, being a friend, listening to their insight, admiring their skills and talent, they seem rather... absent. Absent from your life, your endeavors, your interests. Where before they thought your contribution to the world was important, now you are barely average. Where before they couldn't get enough of seeing  hearing, or reading your work, now they barely pay attention at all, and if they do, they tell you what THEY would do differently, or how you could improve it, even if they have no experience in what you do. Where before they would make time to hang out with you because they couldn't wait to see you, now they are "just too busy and too tired", even though nothing in their life has changed. If you point this out, you are "being too demanding." They include you less and less in things they do, even if it is with mutual friends. Even if it is with friends who they met through YOU. If you mention this, they will say you are "being paranoid", or "being childish", anything to make it seem like you are the one who is acting inconsiderately. Again, not caring about your feelings, or about how anything they do affects you. But if they decide to spend time with you, even at the last minute, even if they told you they wouldn't be around, you should be available, after all, don't you care? If they disagree with a statement you make, they will say that you are not respecting their opinion when you refuse to let them convince you that you are WRONG. (They can not see that it was THEY who refused to listen to YOUR point of view FIRST; they may not even know how to hear another's point of view if it differs from their own.) If they stand you up without calling, they expect you to "understand", no matter how much it messes up your plans or schedule. If you are upset about it, you are being "unreasonable, controlling, psycho... (insert name-calling here)", . It is YOU who is being "selfish" because you are not "forgiving and forgetting", or "putting it in the past", or "getting over it". If YOU show up late for something, even if you did call, even if you were in an accident or something, they will use this "transgression" to excuse their own, for time eternal. If you are upset, their concern is whether you are blaming them, or whether your "mood swing" will cost them time or money. They will not put aside anything to come to your aide. If you're lucky they might lend an ear IF they aren't busy... but it will probably end in their giving you unwanted and thoughtless, uninformed advice, and a quick escape. If they are upset, the world must stop, and no one has ever gone through such agony as they. If you approach them to talk about an issue, they might agree... to talk LATER, at another time, when they aren't too busy, but later will not come. There will always be a reason they just can't deal with that right now. If you start talking about it anyway, they will experience it as an ATTACK AGAINST THEM. Anything THEY did to upset you, if you dare bring it up in order to resolve it, will be experienced as a JUDGMENT AGAINST THEM. They can not have a discussion about your feelings for very long, even if they are extremely narcissistic and are only pretending to care in order to get something from you. They can't keep it up, it's too difficult to focus on someone else other than themselves. You will try and try to have a normal, civil, give and take friendship with them. They will resist and resist, always trying to be in control, and most importantly BLAMELESS. FLAWLESS. They have an IMAGE of themselves they need the world to see them as, and that MUST remain intact, at any cost. (Don't laugh if they fall down, they will have a meltdown...unless being "one of the guys" or "one of the gals" is part of their facade). Their main focus is to REMAIN WITHOUT BLAME, because to them, blame is tantamount to destruction of their person. If you hold up a mirror and make them see that they are not perfect, if they actually SEE it, they may dive into a serious self-loathing depression. To actually take responsibility for their actions, to a narcissistic person, does not feel like finding a solution to a problem, like it does for a healthy adult. It feels (according to one specific narcissist Brian S.) "like eating poison, or like chewing those pink tablets that show how dirty your teeth are". For a healthy adult, self-examination and accountability feels GOOD, because it leads to RESOLUTION. For a narcissistic adult, taking responsibility apparently is like pinning a scarlet letter on your own chest and parading around town, shouting "I did it, I'm a failure, and there is no way to fix me!" This is why they feel ATTACKED when someone has an issue with something they did. The narcissistic person does not separate their DEEDS from their PERSON. Admitting to doing something that was "wrong" makes them feel "tainted", "stained", so they will not have it, it must be denied at all costs. And they won't separate YOUR deeds from your person either, nor will they give you any CREDIT for the GOOD things you do. You are either a SAINT or a PIECE OF GARBAGE to a narcissist, there is no in-between. A person is either BETTER THAN THEM, or WORSE THAN THEM, BRILLIANT OR STUPID, GOOD OR BAD. And this can change in one day. It does not matter what your relationship is supposed to be, if they are your wife, husband, parent, sibling, coworker, boss, employee, or "friend". They have specific NEEDS that you will supply, or you will be punished. And no, you will NOT be discussing their black and white view of the world with them, unless you are PRAISING it. You will NOT be collecting the money they owe you, even if it's 100,000.00, because it was YOUR FAULT that you gave it to them. (Can't you see they're strapped? They have to make payments on their GMC Sierra with duallies, credit cards, private school for the kids, and the newly built house! Geez what is WRONG with you...you selfish piece of garbage...expecting someone to make good on their promises.. come on, what are you, a hard-ass? You don't NEED the money they owe you anyway! You can just sell your car and live in a smaller apartment!) You will NOT be hearing a genuine apology, and they will NOT be going to counseling with YOU or anyone else, because THEY DON'T NEED IT... because they are flawless, and counseling is about getting blamed... right?... And they WILL be telling whoever will listen that everything is YOUR FAULT, and how you are CRAZY; they will also be telling THEMSELVES this, because guilt is something they can not bear, and they do not know the difference between feeling GUILT for something they did wrong, and being SHAMED BY someone else to punish them. When they feel guilty, they don't sit with it, they throw it on the person who "made them feel guilty". They DO NOT care about your kids, or anyone else you care about. They may fake it to gain trust, for a while, but they are not someone to trust your kids with. Oh and if they do drugs, or are promiscuous, lie, or con, (common narcissist activities) or do anything else they are ashamed of, there is a very good chance they will spread rumors that YOU ARE DOING THESE THINGS, if they get mad at you for any reason, especially if they feel guilty about doing something wrong TO YOU. Be careful if you know someone like this. They will also frequently say that "anyone who analyzes others is the one who has problems"... of course they will say that, they are hoping that it will stop you from analyzing THEM, and figuring out that they are manipulating you. If a person does not seek power over another, there is no reason for them to have an emotional reaction about anyone studying human behavior. It's just science, just like any other science. Nothing to hide, nothing to react about. Something to hide, all kinds of things to react about... To a narcissist, or any other manipulative person, the study of human behavior and psychology is just like a parent going through a teenager's room. The teen with nothing to hide might be annoyed at the invasion of privacy; the teen who is hiding something he or she is not supposed to have will be VERY UPSET, and will probably try to STOP the parent by throwing a tantrum...
If you want to know more about Narcissism, there is a wealth of information on the World Wide Web, and also at most libraries and bookstores. There are some who claim it can be cured, many more who say it cannot, and the only way to deal with a Narcissist is to put lots of distance between you and them. You can read more now, here:
/http://www.narcissismcured.com/
or here:
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.org/

The Catt Box

Love this site. 
Some of Catt's deep and wise insights on invalidation, click here:  Invalidation

Invalidation

If you have ever cared about another human being, for real, you might want to read this page at Eqi.org, click this link:
Invalidation And Defensiveness

Marc And Angel Hack Life

This blog is seriously excellently awesome:

THIRTY THINGS TO STOP DOING TO YOURSELF

Galatians 3:28

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

My father, Jim Bennett

I tell this story because my father loved to tell it.

         44 years ago a young couple fell in love in college, and created a new life together. Carol Siebert was the young woman, full of passion for life, incredible courage, a brilliant mind, gifted in art and music, according to everyone that knew her, especially the young man, Jim Bennett. They were well suited. I was the life they created together, their daughter. As times and fate would have it, I had the great and rare fortune of having not one but two sets of brilliant and wonderful parents. Bertille and Roy Black raised me and my two adoptive brothers in a rich, loving environment full of the same ideals, education, music and spirit that my birth parents had in mind for me. I was performing music with my adoptive father, Roy, at the age of 2 and 1/2, and my mother Bertille taught me to read at that age as well.  I have wondered often if there was more than chance at play, to have been taken in by a family so similar to the one that gave birth to me. Roy, I have been told, would often mention my father in his prayers when I was a child, because there was a Daddy somewhere out there who loved and missed me.

         25 years later, I learned from the adoption agency that my father Jim Bennett had indeed been trying to find me for 7 years. Papers that should have been used to put us in contact with one another had been buried in a file. So, at the age of 25, I opened my front door to the second person I had ever met who looked like me. My son Thomas, a good-hearted and very gifted young man, was the first. The shock of seeing my own face before me, albeit a man sporting a full red beard, is something I will never forget.
         He would say how happy he was that he found his daughter and became a grandfather all in one day.
         I remember my friends remarking about the resemblance after meeting him for the first time. They were fascinated by the similar features, but they were amazed at the gesticulations and facial expressions that before were unique to me, and apparently memorable to some. Who knew that such specific conversational expressions and intonations could have a genetic origin?
         The first song we wrote together was in 1993, "Smooth Running". I wrote the lyrics and melody, and sang it over the phone from North Carolina, into his answering machine in Rhode Island. From my voice on his machine he wrote and played the entire guitar accompaniment.
         The story continued as my father Jim Bennett met my adoptive mother Bertille, or Bertie as her friends call her. (My adoptive father Roy, one of the greatest men I have ever known, Rest In Peace, passed on Father's Day in 1976, when I was 8 years old.) Jim and Bertie hit if off right away, and became a couple a few years later, to my surprise. They have been devoted to one another ever since. My father often spoke of how happy and loved he felt being with Bertie, and that she helped make his heart feel at peace. They seemed to come together from opposite ends of a spectrum, meeting in the middle and sharing their unique gifts and life lessons with each other. There was great happiness in their togetherness; it filled the house with a sunshine that I will surely miss.
         My father and I found that we had a great deal in common. Neither of us had ever known blood relatives growing up, and our connection was quite comforting, to me anyway, having found another adult who shared nearly all of my passions, and the level of intensity for them as well. Music, writing, language, science, art, social science, academic studies of spirituality and cultures, and of course a deep affinity for science fiction. I have not known any other who could or would discuss the history, message, merits, or lack thereof, of a particular science fiction piece, for hours on end, (during and after watching or reading it), and only stop because we could no longer keep our eyes open.
         Thomas, Jim's only grandchild, also found a great connection with his grandfather, sharing much interest in common with my Dad, as well as his sharp and astute intellect, his generous, caring, grateful heart, his intense focus and love of learning. The gift of music was obvious before Tom could walk. He kept perfect time naturally with his small hands on the tray of his high chair, and was singing and playing tunes on his small piano and xylophone before he could talk. Tom's first time behind a drumset was at 16 months, and his first piano recital was at the age of five. He found a passion for rhythm and time and is now a gifted and accomplished drummer and songwriter. He and his grandfather found a deeper connection in the last few years, their long discussions about life, academics, politics, the future, history, and the big picture were profoundly important to both of them. 
         My father had a whole lifetime of adulthood before I met him, and mine had only just begun a few years before. We joked about how our musical careers were almost the same amount of years, because I had been onstage since I was 2. He had a great vault of stories about his life, adventures, friends and career, of which I never tired of hearing. My favorite, I think, is still the one about a gig in NY and some journalism, a van, and some Vipers ~
         His musical talent was, as anyone who knew him would agree, on a level that few have reached. He played "pretty much anything with strings" as he would humbly say, and he held himself above no one, although others would most assuredly argue the point of his station. His knowledge of anything that held his interest, especially music, was unparalleled. He was the one who knew whatever song you thought of, no matter how obscure, and probably the chords, changes, lyrics, composer, and history behind the song. His career spanned genres and many bands and projects. From what his close friends have told me, and my own experience working with him, he has been an invaluable asset to every project he has been a part of. And he sure knew how to play.
         Jim Bennett's talents spanned a very broad spectrum, from his obvious and well-known musical gifts, to composing, writing, computers and programming, anything to do with electronics, art, animals, and science. His interests were limitless. He had an incredible memory and knew more about literature than anyone I've ever met, and loved it intensely. He had an enormous mental library. When he was a child he had memorized and copied every poem of J.R.R. Tolkien. His gift for etymology was supported by his knowledge of Latin and other languages. If I mentioned a scrap of a line from a poem or classical literature, he would recite it often on the spot, and tell something about the author. He loved classical music and hymns, and of course Christmas music; when we attended church together, of course we would focus on the music. I was always amazed at how he would know all the verses whether there was a hymnal in front of him or not. One of our last discussions was regarding the words to A Mighty Fortress Is Our God, and how, as he intimated, that perhaps Martin Luther might have lightened up on his description of "our foe"; the conversation was memorable. We also shared a fascination with physics, especially quantum physics and mechanics, and I was grateful for his grasp on the subject, and his openness to hypotheses and speculation.
          Jim Bennett and I had many long discussions, especially in the last few years. I learned much about this brilliant and wonderful man who was my father. He came into my life as a stranger who looked like my son and I, but he became my Dad, and my son's Grandpapa. My family became his family; my brothers as sons, their children his grandchildren, my extended family, his.  He had great love and affection for his siblings and their spouses, for his nieces and nephews, and great love and admiration for his parents. He spoke of them often and with much esteem. (I do not post their names here in regard for their privacy, which was important to my Dad.) His childhood and his family was a source of fond memories, and he was very proud of all of them.  His regard for his friends was immense. His love for my son was endless. His devotion to my mother, like a fairytale. The compassion in his heart for others was unmatched, and quite possibly not known to many, he did not seem to wear his heart on his sleeve in front of most, but he was one of the kindest, most giving, forgiving, and open-hearted human beings I have ever known, and that I mean from the bottom of my heart.
         I will miss you greatly, Papa, thank you for being a part of our lives.

Papa

The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began,
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
Let others follow it who can!
Let them a journey new begin,
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet.

Monkeys

Great Ape dynamics are all about domination, hierarchy, and status, even within the smallest group. If you would like to understand the Great Apes around you better, and yourself as well, it's not difficult; simply do what an animal behavior researcher does: become an observer, as much as possible. To get started, here are some tips:

1) Listen for language domination. Who finishes a sentence, and... who gets interrupted before they are finished with their sentence? Who corrects whom? It's not about correct information, oh no, not in regular conversation. If you are not in a classroom setting with a designated teacher and students, respectful dynamics do not include interruption or talking over another person, or dismissing what another person is saying. Watch to see and listen to hear who interrupts, who corrects, who dismisses who, and how they do it.

2) Personal space! Watch who moves aside to make room in a hallway or sidewalk for others, and who doesn't budge even if they are taking up the whole hallway. If you are the one who always moves over, see what happens when you DON'T.

This is enough to get started. Don't tell anyone you're watching or they will probably change their behavior. Have fun!

The Teacher Is The Student

 Step Lightly is a web log by Australian writer and teacher Jenni Joy.

"...In my world I like to grow with the person. I like learning to be part of the connection I have with the person. I have found that I gain great satisfaction from others’ learning when I open my mind and my heart. It enables me to be a learner in the process as well and learning is my passion.  If I open my mind, they open theirs...."

http://steplightlynow.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/open-learning/

Yes, Virginia,

It really is all an illusion. Busted.

Clear

If your heart were sincere and upright, every creature would be unto you a looking-glass of life and a book of holy doctrine.~T.Kempis

What If Superficial Control Freaks Ran The World?

Oh yeah, that's right, they do~  Okay, what if Superficial Control Freak FEMALES Ran The World?

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2010/07/19/man-up.html

Stupid Who?

"Pasteur's theory of germs is a ridiculous fiction. How do you think that these germs in the air can be numerous enough to develop into all these organic infusions? If that were true, they would be numerous enough to form a thick fog, as dense as iron."

- Professor Pierre Pochet, 1872

David Lee Black

Photographer David Lee Black shares his inspiring work here:

David Lee Black

I am a grateful collector of his work, and a fan. 

Love And Trust

The Artful Science Of True Love

 by E. Grey Lorimer


Confidence, Definitions

Confidence:              "I am looking forward to learning how to do this."

Over-Confidence:     "I will ace this with minimal preparation."

Arrogance:               "I don't need to learn this, I already get this and more, it's for lower people."

Low Self-Esteem :    "I can't do this, and everyone who can is smarter than me."

Insecurity:                "I can't do this, and everyone who can thinks they're better than me."

Small Moves, Peace Of Mind

That overwhelmed feeling, too many things to do, not enough time in the day, can't get it all done, seems to be shared by many. We may be overstimulated, or place too many demands on our own time, between the things we want to do, and the things we feel like we have to do. Of course there have been thousands of discussions about "shoulds", and choices, and modern society being over run with electronic communication. But there may be some shortcuts through the stress, back to "you".

One of the ways that time is organized in academic and professional settings is the simple schedule. Just like in school or work, put up a blackboard or whiteboard somewhere in plain sight. Then, simply write the things down that you need and want to get done that day, as if you were writing it for someone else; like you are the teacher, professor, or boss. Write the start time and the end time next to the task, just like a classroom or business day schedule. Then, walk away. Now you can be the student or the employee, and just go by that schedule that the "teacher" or the "boss" wrote on the board. If you finish a task early, you can take a break until the time for that task has ended.  If you do not finish by the time the next task starts, just shelve the task until after the schedule is finished, or resume the next day. If you find you did not schedule enough time for a task that must be completed, you can always adjust the schedule the next day. Just like in class, or working for someone else.

Your black or whiteboard doesn't need to be a permanent fixture, you don't need to figure out how to integrate it into your whole life. Just trying it may help to reset your stress levels, and give you a little more feeling of solid ground under your feet. Have fun with it.

 
Slán agus beannacht leat !


copyright Marianne Black 2011

What most humans and most religions are afraid to look at

What most humans and most religions are afraid to look at

Another Heads Up

 From Facebook:

Marianne BlackAmerican Mothers Political Party
As an abuse survivor and mother, I would like to support this organization, however I need to know, does this organization support and protect men and fathers in the same way? Please tell me whether this organization assumes that victims are female and abusers are male, or not~ gender prejudice has no place in a movement that is for protecting the rights of victims. I can not find a clear answer.
Yesterday at 2:22am · ·


    • American Mothers Political Party Our organization supports Mothers...bottom line. Until we have gender equality in all facets of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness then we can talk about fathers.
      48 minutes ago ·

    • Marianne Black wow okay thanks for your honesty. We can talk about whatever we want to talk about, since this is America; I have suffered abuse, was raped, was nearly murdered, and the 'system' had no care for me or for my son. I have been sexually harassed too many times to count. But believing that it is a gender problem and not a Human Behavior problem is one of the reasons it does not get resolved. People who have prejudice in their hearts ARE the people who released my abuser; they are the same kind of person who released my cousin's wife after she beat her daughter and threatened to kill her father. The protection of human beings is what matters. Misogyny and misandry are the same, grouping people into one category, not seeing the big picture. That is exactly what they want, that way they can keep it all going. Abused men are just as screwed as abused women.
      a few seconds ago ·

Arrogant, Abusive and Disruptive — and a Doctor by Laurie Tarkan (OR) what happened to the snotty kids who wrecked everything in my "academically gifted" classes (OR) why I didn't want to become a physician...

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