On a basic level, the person who has severe narcissism is much like a wild animal who has lost their fear of humans; the animal will not bite as long as the humans keep feeding it, and drop their own lives to focus on feeding the animal. The animal even acts tame and friendly, as long as it is being fed, as long as the humans don't stop in order to take care of themselves. If the humans believe that the animal intends to be their friend, behaving considerately and respectfully toward them, or returning their caring behavior, they are mistaken; the animal's intention is to be fed by them, not to feed them, care for them, join them in activities, or protect them. The moment the humans do not make the animal the center of their attention and their lives, and give it what it wants, EVEN if they are doing something very important (like caring for themselves or for another human), the animal will feel abandoned, angry, and hungry, and will then storm the cabin and demand to be fed, and accuse the humans of abuse and neglect. Possibly rage at them, destroy things, threaten, or bite them. The narcissist does not understand that other beings, besides themselves (and sometimes their "pack"), are "real", or important, and does not have any compulsion to care for them, respect them, or be considerate of them. The only emotional experience they have is what happens or does not happen TO THEMSELVES, and they do not check to see if their reactions and judgment are accurate or not. All they know is they feel something. They don't care why, what happened, what the needs or feelings of others are, or what's really going on. (The wild animal would blame the humans if it ate all of the food in the cabin, and go after the humans in anger, with zero comprehension that IT was the reason that the food is all gone, zero remorse for taking the human's food, and zero memory about the humans treating it so well, feeding it and treating it with friendship and kindness.)
LIBERAL, MY LITTLE WHITE BEHIND. REALITY CHECK PLEASE!
Liberals tolerate other people lifestyles and choices. Liberals listen to other people's opinions even if they are not the same as their own. Liberals WANT TO hear other people's Points Of View. Liberals RESPECT other human beings as equals, and stand up for them when they are under the attack of prejudices and hostility.
LIBERALS DO NOT ATTACK THOSE FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE FOR HAVING A DIFFERENT POV, AND THEY DO NOT CONSIDER THEMSELVES INTELLECTUALLY "SUPERIOR".
Liberals DO NOT resent those who are wealthier than themselves, nor do
they look down on those who are less wealthy than themselves.
Liberals WANT to find solutions, REGARDLESS of WHO came up with the idea.
Liberals DO NOT believe that having a COLLEGE DEGREE makes you "smarter"; they know that a degree is a degree, not a PEDIGREE. They also DO NOT RESENT those who DO have a college degree.
Liberals DO NOT think that they're friends and cronies are better, smarter, stronger, faster, cooler, and superior. They tolerate spelling and grammar mistakes, but they don't think those mistakes makes a person "cool". They know every human on the planet makes mistakes every day. They are AGAINST superiority complexes, prejudice, cronyism, sexism, arrogance, male superiority, female superiority, atheism superiority, any kind of elitist complex.
MANY PEOPLE believe they are "Liberals" because they are against someone else's beliefs, or because they think they're TOO COOL for school. Liberalism is not being a rebel without a clue, it's about TOLERANCE. That means the Liberal FULLY RESPECTS the right of another person to believe what they believe, and they RESPECT another person's input and information, ESPECIALLY if it's not the same as what they already think or have heard. They DO NOT tolerate bullying, and they don't bully, and they know the difference between a discussion about a subject, and a personal attack. Liberals DO NOT sympathize with a bully, regardless of who the bully's target is. In other words, a TRUE LIBERAL does not simply take the side of the Union against the Corporation; a TRUE LIBERAL wants freedom, liberty, and protected rights for EVERY person, including the individuals persons who are running the corporation and the workers who belong to the union. A TRUE LIBERAL would not REQUIRE employees to join a Union.
Liberals WANT to find solutions, REGARDLESS of WHO came up with the idea.
Liberals DO NOT believe that having a COLLEGE DEGREE makes you "smarter"; they know that a degree is a degree, not a PEDIGREE. They also DO NOT RESENT those who DO have a college degree.
Liberals DO NOT think that they're friends and cronies are better, smarter, stronger, faster, cooler, and superior. They tolerate spelling and grammar mistakes, but they don't think those mistakes makes a person "cool". They know every human on the planet makes mistakes every day. They are AGAINST superiority complexes, prejudice, cronyism, sexism, arrogance, male superiority, female superiority, atheism superiority, any kind of elitist complex.
MANY PEOPLE believe they are "Liberals" because they are against someone else's beliefs, or because they think they're TOO COOL for school. Liberalism is not being a rebel without a clue, it's about TOLERANCE. That means the Liberal FULLY RESPECTS the right of another person to believe what they believe, and they RESPECT another person's input and information, ESPECIALLY if it's not the same as what they already think or have heard. They DO NOT tolerate bullying, and they don't bully, and they know the difference between a discussion about a subject, and a personal attack. Liberals DO NOT sympathize with a bully, regardless of who the bully's target is. In other words, a TRUE LIBERAL does not simply take the side of the Union against the Corporation; a TRUE LIBERAL wants freedom, liberty, and protected rights for EVERY person, including the individuals persons who are running the corporation and the workers who belong to the union. A TRUE LIBERAL would not REQUIRE employees to join a Union.
I know a lot of people who call themselves Liberals. I don't know a lot of people who actually practice it.
Only Fools Fall For "Women Are Crazy"
The most popular way to destroy a female's reputation, and thereby weaken or remove normal support networks made up of friends, family, acquaintances and coworkers, is to imply that she is emotionally unstable. It also helps to block future career and social success. ("You're reputation precedes you" is usually a true statement). This tactic has worked well for eons, so well that it has become nearly invisible; people are so used to it. All one has to do is point out something random about a female and declare it to be evidence of instability.
Pretty much anything will work; if the woman likes to cook a lot, she's obsessed with cooking, and she gets her identity from it (it's not just something she likes to do, and she's good at it.) If she loves animals and rescues strays and wild animals, (and she doesn't have a veterinary degree), she is obsessed with them, and it must be filling a hole because she doesn't have enough children... If she's a writer, or an artist, she is a "wanna-be" or she's "out there", until of course she starts making serious money with it, and then suddenly everyone wants to be her friend, and they all knew she would make it one day... (This is the point where she moves far away from all the people who did NOT support her and called her crazy behind her back, and made it much more difficult for her to find success.) If she studies science, she's "eccentric", or "weird". Etc, etc. Oh! And let's not forget the way she does her hair, the amount of make-up she wears (or doesn't wear), what her fingernails look like, the heels on her shoes, the clothes she wears, and whether she's married, single, has kids, doesn't have kids... and ANYTHING she likes to talk about, or what she does for recreation. Anything at all... can be misconstrued, magnified, twisted, and turned into something that it's not, in order to turn it into evidence of her "instability".
EVEN surviving an ordeal can be skewed for this yucky purpose... "Look what she's been through, she's 'all used up', 'loopy', 'neurotic'," etc. Not "Look what she's been through, what a strong person, and maybe we should listen to what she says since she's experienced things that we haven't".
Easy easy to do this to females, since most males want to be seen as the more stable gender, so they'll throw their own sister or wife under this bus just to be compared as the "stable one". And everyone is well aware of how competitive females can be, so using "she's crazy" against another female is quick and easy. People swallow it like M&M's. (Oh look at the crazy girl! Now we can use her as a dumping ground for all our gossip compulsions, we don't have to worry about our men looking at her or leaving us for her, and we can blame her for our bad feelings and anything that goes wrong in our lives whenever we feel like it, and no one will question it, or stand up for her! Also, we now have an excuse to dismiss anything and everything she says and does if we don't like it!) If you are actually a real friend, this is not something you would do. But if you go around trying to make yourself look sane, stable, and innocent by telling everyone your female friend/partner/relative is "unstable", then you are not now, and never have been, a real friend. And you should not be surprised when that person stops talking to you, and has to move away because their support network is not only destroyed, but works against them. When you spread rumors about a person, or implications about their mental or emotional stability, it spreads like a virus. People who get off on trashing other people take that ball and run with it, and pass it to anyone who will listen. When you imply that a person is crazy (especially when they're not, but you are trying to fit in with people who have control and gossip issues) you will obliterate their credibility and destroy their prospects of success and happiness. It is a sick and cruel thing to do. Most people have no idea how easy it is to do to someone, or how impossible it is to repair the damage once it's been done.
Pretty much anything will work; if the woman likes to cook a lot, she's obsessed with cooking, and she gets her identity from it (it's not just something she likes to do, and she's good at it.) If she loves animals and rescues strays and wild animals, (and she doesn't have a veterinary degree), she is obsessed with them, and it must be filling a hole because she doesn't have enough children... If she's a writer, or an artist, she is a "wanna-be" or she's "out there", until of course she starts making serious money with it, and then suddenly everyone wants to be her friend, and they all knew she would make it one day... (This is the point where she moves far away from all the people who did NOT support her and called her crazy behind her back, and made it much more difficult for her to find success.) If she studies science, she's "eccentric", or "weird". Etc, etc. Oh! And let's not forget the way she does her hair, the amount of make-up she wears (or doesn't wear), what her fingernails look like, the heels on her shoes, the clothes she wears, and whether she's married, single, has kids, doesn't have kids... and ANYTHING she likes to talk about, or what she does for recreation. Anything at all... can be misconstrued, magnified, twisted, and turned into something that it's not, in order to turn it into evidence of her "instability".
EVEN surviving an ordeal can be skewed for this yucky purpose... "Look what she's been through, she's 'all used up', 'loopy', 'neurotic'," etc. Not "Look what she's been through, what a strong person, and maybe we should listen to what she says since she's experienced things that we haven't".
Easy easy to do this to females, since most males want to be seen as the more stable gender, so they'll throw their own sister or wife under this bus just to be compared as the "stable one". And everyone is well aware of how competitive females can be, so using "she's crazy" against another female is quick and easy. People swallow it like M&M's. (Oh look at the crazy girl! Now we can use her as a dumping ground for all our gossip compulsions, we don't have to worry about our men looking at her or leaving us for her, and we can blame her for our bad feelings and anything that goes wrong in our lives whenever we feel like it, and no one will question it, or stand up for her! Also, we now have an excuse to dismiss anything and everything she says and does if we don't like it!) If you are actually a real friend, this is not something you would do. But if you go around trying to make yourself look sane, stable, and innocent by telling everyone your female friend/partner/relative is "unstable", then you are not now, and never have been, a real friend. And you should not be surprised when that person stops talking to you, and has to move away because their support network is not only destroyed, but works against them. When you spread rumors about a person, or implications about their mental or emotional stability, it spreads like a virus. People who get off on trashing other people take that ball and run with it, and pass it to anyone who will listen. When you imply that a person is crazy (especially when they're not, but you are trying to fit in with people who have control and gossip issues) you will obliterate their credibility and destroy their prospects of success and happiness. It is a sick and cruel thing to do. Most people have no idea how easy it is to do to someone, or how impossible it is to repair the damage once it's been done.
Narcissistic Conditioning
Narcissistic people condition their targets to believe that they don't "fit in" with the rest of the population, that they aren't good enough to be accepted by "normal" people.
Once this conditioning takes hold in the mind of the target, once they start to believe that they are not entitled to feel like a real and valued member of the local community, family, or global community, they then respond to Bully Tactics from outside sources.
The kid who is bulled and dismissed at home is also the target of abuse by the bullies on the outside. This has a domino effect, and everywhere this person goes now, because of the original conditioning, they will be targeted by the bullies in the new group.
The original conditioning is what causes them to respond to the bullying with anxiety, avoidance, or hostile reaction (Narcs KNOW this, that's why they do it~ to make the target react in some way. If they can get the target to NOT SHOW UP, or to DISPLAY ANGER or ANXIETY, then they have accomplished their goal.)
It is important to know that Narc bullies don't give up when they have lost the battle, they will continue to target a person until they have won their war. They don't know any other way to operate, they are the kings and queens of drama. Those who expose them are not drama kings or queens, but the Narc will accuse them of it (of course) until they can either get the person to stop exposing them by bullying that person, or get everyone to stop listening to the person by destroying their credibility (talk about how crazy and dramatic that person is, point to things that person does that are, in reality, perfectly normal, but the Narc twists until it looks crazy).
ALL Narcs are bullies to some degree, all narcs try to run the show, all narcs try to convince others that they are innocent and stable, and that someone else is not.
Those who have attributes that bullies are jealous of are targeted ANYWAY, so when there is a Narcissist bully in the home, that bully's focus will be mostly the SAME as the bullies on the outside of the home. So a person who has been conditioned to Narc bullying in the home will be a Narc bully victim for the rest of their lives, until they find a way to heal and recover; it usually takes professional help, since it is a form of brainwashing, and it is reinforced every time a new Narc shows up. Narc abuse often causes PTSD, which contributes greatly to conditioning.
In The Zone ~ The Place The Control Freak Doesn't Want You To Go
Dependent and controlling people are very good at knocking their target out of a "dream state". We all need to have daydream visions of our future in order to make our dreams come true. It's when we're in a "zone", picturing what we want to do, where we want to go, in the here and now or in the future. It is the place in which our hearts and minds combine, where music is written, art is created, scientific discoveries are made, our best work is done, our true love blossoms. A very personal space, and yet connected to all Creation at the same time.
When a controller sees or senses that their target is in that
zone, they don't respect it and leave them to it, they try to knock them
out of it. They often go so far as to try to shame their target, as if
being in that zone is a selfish or debauched thing to be doing. They may try to humiliate their target, making fun of them for even thinking they HAVE a "zone", or that they are a good enough person to enter a zone state.
Picture the short boy or girl practicing in the gym by themselves, shooting baskets, when the varsity team shows up~
The younger sister learning how to take an engine apart and put it back together when her (insecure, arrogant) brother walks in with his friends~
The son of a gender-roled parent teaching himself how to design and make clothing ~
The son of a gender-roled parent teaching himself how to design and make clothing ~
The wife of a controlling gender-role husband working on an invention when he thinks she should be serving his needs~
The white person at an all-black church, singing his lungs out for the Lord; those who came to church to celebrate the Lord will rejoice in his singing and be happy for another Christian to join them, but the controllers will stare at him, point and make fun, and forget all about why they're in church, tell him to hush up~
The black person at an all-white church, singing his lungs out for the Lord; those who came to church to celebrate the Lord will rejoice in his singing and be happy for another Christian to join them, but the controllers will stare at him, point and make fun, and forget all about why they're in church, tell him to hush up~
The female singer at a rock or blues show, singing her lungs out, nailing every note, when the keyboard player just happens to keep hitting bad notes, but only during her songs ~
The white person at an all-black church, singing his lungs out for the Lord; those who came to church to celebrate the Lord will rejoice in his singing and be happy for another Christian to join them, but the controllers will stare at him, point and make fun, and forget all about why they're in church, tell him to hush up~
The black person at an all-white church, singing his lungs out for the Lord; those who came to church to celebrate the Lord will rejoice in his singing and be happy for another Christian to join them, but the controllers will stare at him, point and make fun, and forget all about why they're in church, tell him to hush up~
The female singer at a rock or blues show, singing her lungs out, nailing every note, when the keyboard player just happens to keep hitting bad notes, but only during her songs ~
The
trigger for their behavior is often jealousy or envy, and it can also
be a fear of loss of control over that person, or a fear of that person
finding success and subsequently abandoning them.
What Women Want, What Men Want
How common is it, in your opinion, for a man to seek and expect "mothering" from random women?
(As in: nurturing, gift-giving, patting on the back, tolerance of rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate behavior, being held up as "manly" and a "good man" (innocent, skilled, and stronger than women), and allowance of domination, condescension and arrogance? )
And how common is it, in your opinion, for a woman to seek and expect "fathering" from random men? (As in: nurturing, gift-giving, patting on the head, tolerance of rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate behavior, being held up as "feminine" and a "good woman" (innocent, submissive, and more intuitive than men), and allowance of neediness, manipulation and backstabbing other women? ) And how much do you think these expectations might contribute to relationship and interpersonal problems?
"Women want to be in a relationship with guys they can seriously talk to - unfortunately, a lot of those guys want to be in relationships with women they don't have to talk to." (from NY Times article)
If comments are not working on my page, please email me if you'd like to share your opinion at mimib319@gmail.com , I look forward to hearing from you.
And how common is it, in your opinion, for a woman to seek and expect "fathering" from random men? (As in: nurturing, gift-giving, patting on the head, tolerance of rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate behavior, being held up as "feminine" and a "good woman" (innocent, submissive, and more intuitive than men), and allowance of neediness, manipulation and backstabbing other women? ) And how much do you think these expectations might contribute to relationship and interpersonal problems?
"Women want to be in a relationship with guys they can seriously talk to - unfortunately, a lot of those guys want to be in relationships with women they don't have to talk to." (from NY Times article)
Chaos Makes Me Broke
So I am sick of being surrounded by chaotic people who drive me crazy. And I am sick of always being broke. I am sick of fighting with them to try to get them what I think they should do. I am sick of being victimized by the people in my life. They are all wrong, they are all nuts, and I am right, and I am perfectly sane... RIGHT?
Well, even if all of that were completely true, then the questions begs to be asked: Why Am I Still Here, Doing The Same Things, Dealing With The Same People, Spending Beyond My Means??
Who is really the "crazy" one?
Well, even if all of that were completely true, then the questions begs to be asked: Why Am I Still Here, Doing The Same Things, Dealing With The Same People, Spending Beyond My Means??
Who is really the "crazy" one?
I Know Her Too Well
What you see another person do is not ALL they do. We can only see the tip of the iceberg when we look at another person, or read their posts, or hear them talk. Even those we have known for a long time.
Our human brains are amazingly presumptuous about others. There is a reason for it; our brains cannot handle the amount of information it would have to process to see reality, so it summarizes everything, truncates everything, makes everything much, much smaller than it really is. And in that shrinking process, it leaves out MOST of the actual information.
We don't live in actual reality, we live in a very, very edited version, and we see others as our brain's own edited version of them, not how they really are. (We don't even see ourselves as we really are. Our brains just aren't capable of processing that much information.)
Our human brains are amazingly presumptuous about others. There is a reason for it; our brains cannot handle the amount of information it would have to process to see reality, so it summarizes everything, truncates everything, makes everything much, much smaller than it really is. And in that shrinking process, it leaves out MOST of the actual information.
We don't live in actual reality, we live in a very, very edited version, and we see others as our brain's own edited version of them, not how they really are. (We don't even see ourselves as we really are. Our brains just aren't capable of processing that much information.)
Signs You May Be Group Stalked http://www.osnanaimo.org/
You can take it lightly if you want, but discounting it as paranoid is just naive. Anyone who has ever attended school can attest to humans stalking a target in groups. It's just another one of those Chimpanzee behaviors that some humans get a monkey-charge out of. Whether it's a creepy neighborhood group, a bunch of coworkers who should be doing something better with their time, a family group who make it a habit to scapegoat one of their own, a corrupt business group who get more out of controlling other humans than making actual product, or a government agency who's members have too many toys and too much money, group stalking really happens.
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you"
SIGNS YOU MAY BE GROUP STALKED OR ELECTRONICALLY HARASSED
You may be a victim of organized stalking if:
* You sense you are being watched and followed everywhere you go. * You notice consistently rude behavior from people you don't know for no apparent reason. * You hear excerpts from conversations you had in the privacy of your home coming from people around you. * You feel that... those around you have access to your thoughts. * Your relationships and friendships all become distant or strained for no apparent reason. * You have problems on the job where groups of people are plotting to have you terminated. * Your business deals consistently fall through for no apparent reason. * You experience vandalism on a regular basis. * You notice that your things are not in the same place you left them when you left home or some small items may be missing. * You experience frequent car repairs. * You experience frequent appliance or electronic malfunctions.
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you"
SIGNS YOU MAY BE GROUP STALKED OR ELECTRONICALLY HARASSED
You may be a victim of organized stalking if:
* You sense you are being watched and followed everywhere you go. * You notice consistently rude behavior from people you don't know for no apparent reason. * You hear excerpts from conversations you had in the privacy of your home coming from people around you. * You feel that... those around you have access to your thoughts. * Your relationships and friendships all become distant or strained for no apparent reason. * You have problems on the job where groups of people are plotting to have you terminated. * Your business deals consistently fall through for no apparent reason. * You experience vandalism on a regular basis. * You notice that your things are not in the same place you left them when you left home or some small items may be missing. * You experience frequent car repairs. * You experience frequent appliance or electronic malfunctions.
Real Friends, Real Partners, Possessiveness
The real friend or partner who cares about you
also cares about your other friends and your family members. A friend
or partner who avoids interaction with you and your friends, but
interacts with their other friends and family with normal enthusiasm
without you, (as if you do not belong to that group), does not simply
have social anxiety.
They may only interact with your friends when they are ...
They may only interact with your friends when they are ...
motivated by anger, jealousy, or when they find one of them attractive.
They are doing what they want to do, what they choose to do. Take it at face value.
If they are worried about what you are doing and who you are talking to, but react defensively when you ask them the same thing, they are showing that you are not a full "person" to them. Do they treat their other friends that way?
Possessiveness is when a person wants to own another person, but does not really want to be their true friend. When we own something, we do not feel the need to empathize with it, it is a thing. We want it to stay and do what we want. Of course many people who are possessive will flatly deny it, and become very upset if accused of it, but it's not hard to see.
A possessive person will not call you, but will be miffed if you don't call them. They will monitor who you talk to, but will not participate in the discussion. They want to know where you are and what you're doing, but they don't want to come along. They want to do things without you, and with other people, and they don't really want you to join them, or be a part of their discussions. They want you to care about them and for them, understand, empathize, and listen, but do not do the same for you past their comfort zone. (For example, if they need to be taken to the hospital, and you have to drive an hour, they would expect you to take them, even if they say the opposite. Saying that they don't expect it is simply a cover for the fact that they have no intention of being there for you, even if they were in the next town.)
If you ask them to do something that's important to you, they may or may not do it; but probably not. If they do, it has to be convenient for them, and not uncomfortable. However they expect you to be fully understanding of all things important to them. (They will even forget why you could not do something for them, like if you had to take your father to the hospital and could not help them that day, they will only remember that you weren't there, not why.)
They will not include you in quite a lot, including information or activities that affect you directly, but they want you to keep them fully informed of yours, and they usually want veto power over your activities and who you do them with. In other words, you love to go to the beach: they will not go with you, but they will be uncomfortable about you going without them. At the same time, they will go do something that you would like to do, but will not invite you, and will often meet up with other people. It's all about them having a real, full, and autonomous life, mostly without you, and without your approval, but they will deny this; and you having to report and receive approval from them, even though they are not going to participate in very much at all with you, or with you and your friends.
Why were they wanting to be your friend or partner in the first place? Possibly because they saw you as something to be acquired. If they thought you were well-liked, then that makes you attractive; if they thought you are seen as beautiful by the world, that makes you attractive to them as well. You will notice that when you talk, they don't really listen, they mostly try to either argue, or dismiss you. What are the things you DO together, like buddies do? Anything? How often? When is the last time you wanted to do something and they said "Yeah! That sounds like fun!" and they just WENT ALONG? When is the last time you tried to express your pain from the relationship, and they said "I'm sorry, what can we do to fix it?" and they actually followed through? When is the last time they participated in a discussion with you and other people, say, on your Facebook posts? They don't do this because they don't want to be seen talking to you in a "real" way, and they also may be enjoying watching others insult you.
Take things at face value when it comes to relationships, friendship or romantic, and don't let your mind trick you into believing it is what it's not.
They are doing what they want to do, what they choose to do. Take it at face value.
If they are worried about what you are doing and who you are talking to, but react defensively when you ask them the same thing, they are showing that you are not a full "person" to them. Do they treat their other friends that way?
Possessiveness is when a person wants to own another person, but does not really want to be their true friend. When we own something, we do not feel the need to empathize with it, it is a thing. We want it to stay and do what we want. Of course many people who are possessive will flatly deny it, and become very upset if accused of it, but it's not hard to see.
A possessive person will not call you, but will be miffed if you don't call them. They will monitor who you talk to, but will not participate in the discussion. They want to know where you are and what you're doing, but they don't want to come along. They want to do things without you, and with other people, and they don't really want you to join them, or be a part of their discussions. They want you to care about them and for them, understand, empathize, and listen, but do not do the same for you past their comfort zone. (For example, if they need to be taken to the hospital, and you have to drive an hour, they would expect you to take them, even if they say the opposite. Saying that they don't expect it is simply a cover for the fact that they have no intention of being there for you, even if they were in the next town.)
If you ask them to do something that's important to you, they may or may not do it; but probably not. If they do, it has to be convenient for them, and not uncomfortable. However they expect you to be fully understanding of all things important to them. (They will even forget why you could not do something for them, like if you had to take your father to the hospital and could not help them that day, they will only remember that you weren't there, not why.)
They will not include you in quite a lot, including information or activities that affect you directly, but they want you to keep them fully informed of yours, and they usually want veto power over your activities and who you do them with. In other words, you love to go to the beach: they will not go with you, but they will be uncomfortable about you going without them. At the same time, they will go do something that you would like to do, but will not invite you, and will often meet up with other people. It's all about them having a real, full, and autonomous life, mostly without you, and without your approval, but they will deny this; and you having to report and receive approval from them, even though they are not going to participate in very much at all with you, or with you and your friends.
Why were they wanting to be your friend or partner in the first place? Possibly because they saw you as something to be acquired. If they thought you were well-liked, then that makes you attractive; if they thought you are seen as beautiful by the world, that makes you attractive to them as well. You will notice that when you talk, they don't really listen, they mostly try to either argue, or dismiss you. What are the things you DO together, like buddies do? Anything? How often? When is the last time you wanted to do something and they said "Yeah! That sounds like fun!" and they just WENT ALONG? When is the last time you tried to express your pain from the relationship, and they said "I'm sorry, what can we do to fix it?" and they actually followed through? When is the last time they participated in a discussion with you and other people, say, on your Facebook posts? They don't do this because they don't want to be seen talking to you in a "real" way, and they also may be enjoying watching others insult you.
Take things at face value when it comes to relationships, friendship or romantic, and don't let your mind trick you into believing it is what it's not.
Women Are Wrong?
Many male and female humans tend to jump at the chance to oppose and argue with a female human, before and without fact-checking. Both male and female humans tend to hesitate before opposing and arguing with a male human, and will often even avoid fact-checking for themselves, and simply believe them. This is an effect of a patriarchal society.
You can check it yourself by observing the way you react to this very paragraph, knowing it was written by a female human.
What is your reaction~
Are you
1) Compelled to dismiss it?
2) Oppose it?
3) Argue with it?
4) Personally attack or try to insult me, or women in general?
5) Do you take it at face value and simply believe it?
6) Go look through years of observation and research to see if there have been other studies on the subject. 7) Observe very objectively whether this holds true in yourself, and those around you.
8) Accept it as a possibility that may or may not be true, and maybe look at it more closely.
9) It's something that I have already observed.
Most will do the first three.
Those who can not separate topics about human behavior from feeling like it's about them personally will do #4.
If I were a male, and I wrote the exact same paragraph, more people would do #5.
Very few will do #6.
A small number of people who make it a habit of being objective and observant will do #7, and #8 will only be done by those who are scientifically minded.
VERY few can hold a calm and objective discussion about this subject without having a defensive emotional reaction, or an angry reaction from being on the receiving end of this treatment in the past.
You can check it yourself by observing the way you react to this very paragraph, knowing it was written by a female human.
What is your reaction~
Are you
1) Compelled to dismiss it?
2) Oppose it?
3) Argue with it?
4) Personally attack or try to insult me, or women in general?
5) Do you take it at face value and simply believe it?
6) Go look through years of observation and research to see if there have been other studies on the subject. 7) Observe very objectively whether this holds true in yourself, and those around you.
8) Accept it as a possibility that may or may not be true, and maybe look at it more closely.
9) It's something that I have already observed.
Most will do the first three.
Those who can not separate topics about human behavior from feeling like it's about them personally will do #4.
If I were a male, and I wrote the exact same paragraph, more people would do #5.
Very few will do #6.
A small number of people who make it a habit of being objective and observant will do #7, and #8 will only be done by those who are scientifically minded.
VERY few can hold a calm and objective discussion about this subject without having a defensive emotional reaction, or an angry reaction from being on the receiving end of this treatment in the past.
My Sister Is A Slut
There are no Scarlet Letters in a healthy family.
When you and other family members set up one of your family members as a Scapegoat, you are damning them to a life of struggle, and their children, and their children's children. This is not opinion, it's fact. A healthy family does not exile or scapegoat a child, or anyone else, and the fact is, most who are set up as Scapegoats are not actually ...
the kind of person they are made out to be. ONLY unhealthy people do that; gossip about one of their own, turn on one of their own, make one of their own a target for a "bad reputation", Victim-blame them as if all the things they went through was their fault. (abusers always blame the victim. Healthy people want EVERYONE to be happy and healthy, and included in the Family, they don't trash and blame and ostracize.)
Those who have been Scapegoated can do this as well to someone else, as an attempt to get out of being the targeted one; they pick someone else, usually a person who they think is not going to bite back, as the "new" Scapegoat, and proceed to trash them, abuse them, use them, and trying to convince others to see them as a bad person. Scapegoating is about making one's own self look innocent and good, and another person look bad. That's not what people who care do.
Once your family has scapegoated one of its members (usually because someone is protecting whoever abused that person, and/or because someone is jealous of that person), they will no longer receive normal emotional support, normal respect, normal inclusion, normal anything. Family members will play "keep away" with all the regular resources and support from this person, and WATCH as that person's self-esteem crumbles, and if this person tries to get away from this abuse, they will try to cast even more shame and blame on them. They WANT this person to be close enough so they can keep them as a Scapegoat, they certainly don't want this person to escape their web and find success.
Scapegoats often keep trying to gain back their membership status in the family group, to be seen and respected as a fully viable and "real" member who deserves the same respect that others are getting. However- no matter WHAT the Scapegoat EVER does, the rest of the family will STILL continue to degrade, dismiss, and belittle them. If a Scapegoat became President of the United States, they will say that he or she slept or bought their way to the top. They will never let go of the Scapegoating, they NEED to have someone to stand on TOP of in order to feel like there is someone they are "better than".
They will do this to the children of the Scapegoat as well, and they will also TEACH the Scapegoat's children, directly or by behavior and example, to DISRESPECT the Scapegoat (the child's parent). This will lead to yet more lives filled with heartache, without normal resources and normal emotional support that other family members enjoy.
Another foolish and common human tragedy that people just keep doing, and don't try to stop.
Why Is It So Hard?
One of the reasons it's so devastating to deal with a romantic relationship, or a friend, that turns out to be a Narcissist, is because many of us actually were bonding with someone we thought was our ALLY and stand up with us, and for us, against the N abuse we had already gone through in our family lives. We thought we had finally found someone to be our True Ally. For them to be the opposite of this is mind-blowing, it would be for anyone. Picture a King or Queen going into battle, defending their benevolent realm against a long time enemy who keeps trying to tear down the walls and take over the land. At their side as they ride into battle is their most trusted Knight. Suddenly when the battle starts to get scary, the Knight rides away, leaving the Queen or King to fight on their own, no one at their back against the evil enemy. The Queen or King looks up, and there, across the field, among the ranks of the enemy, walking their horse calmly and peacefully, talking with the enemy's ranks, is their MOST TRUSTED, Number One Ally, their number one Knight.
The N parent or family member already did this years ago. To find yet another person who would betray us in the same way, who is not even a family member who is already in that dysfunctional web, who has zero personal issues in common with us, is devastating.
NOW what do we do? We have to
A) Win this fight, and with them on the side against us instead of with us, our entire battle has changed, and we find ourselves outnumbered, and with more enemies than we knew, and now we have no idea who is against us on the INSIDE
B) Turn tail and run; intellectually we know we had better do this because we have been tricked, and don't know how deep that goes. But we also know that running away will add to the damage that our reputation has already suffered; but we have no choice; it's either turn back, or die.
C) When we get back, we must rebuild our kingdom from the ground up. People will talk about us incessantly, many who have N and control issues will blame US for the Knight leaving our side, even say we DROVE them away.
D) We have to guard against allies that the Knight has within the kingdom. We have no idea who to trust, or who is plotting against us.
E) We KNOW that the Knight has brought our secrets to the enemy, because we believed we could trust them with our secrets a long time ago.
F) Our anxiety level, based on REAL events and situations, has gone through the roof; now it is much harder to sleep, eat, and figure out what to do.
G) The Knight is threatening that if we don't let him/her back into the kingdom, he will wreak havoc. He tells everyone that we are crazy, and a tyrant, and he tells everyone that the gold that is missing (that he stole) was actually lost by YOU in a gambling ring, or in irresponsible spending. (People believe him because they like to hear about others doing something wrong)
H) We realize that the easiest way out, safely, is to leave everything we loved and that was familiar, behind. All we built, all we accomplished.
I) We are scared. We fear that wherever we turn, whatever we do, there will be someone watching us, judging us, trashing us, blocking us, punishing us, undermining us.
J) We are OVERWHELMED. This makes it very difficult to see the LIGHT that still shines, the hope that still lies ahead, and the goodness that is still in our future.
Control Issues
People who like to stay in control will often change the subject of the conversations frequently. Whether they bring up a topic or not, they will change it the moment they feel that they are not in control of the direction of the discussion.
Them: "The lady across the street has a cocker spaniel. Those dogs are yappy and can be vicious."
You: "Oh yes, I've seen it. It's a nice dog, she came up to...
me and let me pet her head~"
Them: "I need to clean the refrigerator. You'll be here to help me, won't you~"
(Regaining control of the conversation by diverting the subject, because their opinion was being shown not to prove true~ and regaining control of YOU by volunteering you to help with their work. A controlling person does not ask for help, they demand it from whomever they want to keep control over, regardless of the other person's schedule.)
<<(Just to be clear, that is not the same as a parent requiring a child to do chores. Children being assigned tasks in the home is a normal and healthy part of family raising, especially when it is done in a scheduled preplanned, and pleasant way, or when it is used as a punishment for actual misbehavior.)
Codependency and Judgment
Codependency uses judgment as a way to feel good about one's self. This is learned from someone else at some point in childhood.
"She is always late, she's a bad person."
"His car is rusty, he's a bad person."
"Her car is dirty, she's not as good as us."
"She's pretty, therefore she is stuck up."
"He's clean cut, therefore he is not masculine enough."
"He likes different music, he's not as cool...
"She is always late, she's a bad person."
"His car is rusty, he's a bad person."
"Her car is dirty, she's not as good as us."
"She's pretty, therefore she is stuck up."
"He's clean cut, therefore he is not masculine enough."
"He likes different music, he's not as cool...
as us."
"She talks to that person, she must be having sex with him."
"She talks to them, she must be doing drugs with them."
"They play rock music, they must be drug users."
"She doesn't smoke pot, therefore she is 'high and mighty'"
etc etc etc
"He doesn't have a college degree, he must be stupid, lazy, or shiftless."
"She's nice, she must be weak, naive, dumb"
"She's nice AND pretty, she must be weak, naive, dumb, and promiscuous"
"He's single and not a jerk, he must be gay"
"She likes to build and fix things, she must be gay"
"I don't like her dress, she is a bad person"
"She is friendly to both my husband and I, she must be after him"
"She smiled at me, she must want "it", and she's "easy""
"He has nice clothes, he must be rich"
"He seems smart, he must be a good person, and succesful"
It goes on and on and on.
"She talks to that person, she must be having sex with him."
"She talks to them, she must be doing drugs with them."
"They play rock music, they must be drug users."
"She doesn't smoke pot, therefore she is 'high and mighty'"
etc etc etc
"He doesn't have a college degree, he must be stupid, lazy, or shiftless."
"She's nice, she must be weak, naive, dumb"
"She's nice AND pretty, she must be weak, naive, dumb, and promiscuous"
"He's single and not a jerk, he must be gay"
"She likes to build and fix things, she must be gay"
"I don't like her dress, she is a bad person"
"She is friendly to both my husband and I, she must be after him"
"She smiled at me, she must want "it", and she's "easy""
"He has nice clothes, he must be rich"
"He seems smart, he must be a good person, and succesful"
It goes on and on and on.
Helping Angry Men By Ron Potter-Efron
"A positive goal is important with all clients, of course, but especially with angry clients, who often mistakenly set only the negative goal of being less angry. I explained to Devron that only setting a negative goal like quitting being angry was like deciding that a car that currently could only go in reverse would be just fine if you could get it to stay in neutral. The idea is to move forward in life, to get that car moving ahead. Of course this same idea applies to only quitting drinking (instead of leading a sober lifestyle) or stopping being critical (instead of giving praise).
Get Off The College Degree Prejudice
The English Suffix -ology or '''-logy''' denotes a field of study or academic discipline, and '''-ologist''' describes a person who studies that field.
Psychology is the STUDY OF mental processes in living creatures. A person who is a psychologist does not necessarily do all, or any, of the things that are commonly thought of, they don't have to be a counselor. They don't have to be doing anything at all professionally, and their studies, just like any other studies, do not have to follow certain "guidelines". In order to get certain DEGREES or CERTIFICATES in the field of PSYCHOLOGY, one must complete the required courses that go with that degree.
A musician for example, in this free country, can study music in any way they choose. They don't have to have a certain degree to be considered a "real musician". No one is going to tell them to stop studying music unless they do it in the "traditional" way that makes everyone else feel comfortable. Well maybe some people will... But LEARNING ABOUT MUSIC and playing it, and writing it, does not require that one attends Berklee, or that one actually graduates.
One does not have to go to Johnson and Wales, or France, to learn how to cook, or graduate MIT to become a software designer. There are many, many programmers who learned completely on their own, or had a little bit of schooling.
This society is now obsessed with degrees and certificates. A 24 year old with a business degree, and zero work experience, will be hired to manage groups of employees who have a huge amount of experience, and would often be much more efficient and successful in the managerial position.
We need to STOP this obsession and prejudice with degrees. If someone studies something, they are an ---ologist. If they get their degree, then they have acquired a degree in that subject as well. They are not "obsessed" with a subject just because they did not graduate Columbia or Brown with a Master's, it is THEIR path, THEIR interest, THEIR passion.
So unless you want to be told to put down your guitar because someone else doesn't think you should be learning music without going to Berklee, or playing it, or writing it; Or your ratchet set because you didn't get your mechanic certificate; Or your binoculars and camera because you didn't get a degree in Ornithology, or your spatula because you didn't graduate Johnson and Wales, then stop trying to tell other people what they should and should not be interested in, or studying, or writing and talking about.
List of "ologies" :
http://chemistry.about.com/od/mathsciencefundamentals/a/ologylist.htm
Men and Women, Communication
Talking TO another person is worlds apart from talking AT another person. We talk TO whom we respect, and we tend to talk AT whom we don't. The person on the receiving end knows the difference.
Hostile Environment
Hostile Environments are created by the members of the group, when members of the group feel that they possess superior traits, and bond on these supposedly superior traits. Anyone who enters the group, whether it's a small friendship group, a class, a family group, or a workplace, who does not share this "superior trait", will often be treated unkindly, coldly, and with disdain. (Like a 'dirty peasant' who doesn't "belong" in the Royal Courtyard).
You may well be creating a "hostile environment" if you belong to a group of people who have come together based on superficial traits, and if you and your group hold pride in these traits. For example, a Women's History class that is made up of all women, and is led by a female professor, can easily create a hostile environment toward male students. If their focus on the subject is objective and straightforward, then the class may be safe, and all students can learn and participate without feeling like an "outsider". But if the women plug this into their personal egos and identities, and make it about themselves, bonding with each other on their femaleness, "Men Can't Get This, Only We Get This", they are probably creating a hostile environment toward males, AND toward any females who refuse to participate in the "us against them" games. (Women's History is not FOR women, it is HUMAN HISTORY that pertains to everyone, and is FOR everyone.) Such a hostile environment will perpetuate itself; most male students will feel uncomfortable, and drop the class, or not take it in the first place when the atmosphere of the class is talked about. Therefore there will be few men in the class. Not because men "can't get it", or "can't learn it", but because of the hostile environment.
Any group can do this~ groups based on ethnic identity; "WE" are the "good people" and "They" are the "bad people", "dumb people", "racist people", "arrogant people"~ members of the group are not intellectually able to see themselves or others as individuals. Groups based on Political Parties are very common as well.
Groups based on their age~ teens of all generations do this. "We" understand things that the "older people" don't GET, man! (Remember that?) But older adults do this as well. Of course, these older adults were often the same people who did this as teens. They just change the thing they have in common with the other people they have grouped themselves with. (Baby boomers, for example.) "We" get stuff that no one else gets, man!
Groups based on gender are the most common. People will often believe that another person, whom they know NOTHING about, has similar skills, life experience, knowledge, and interests all because they are the same gender as themselves. Or that the person will automatically bond with them, or be on their "side" against the opposite sex. This creates very hostile environments, separation, division, resentment, and halts productivity and progress.
Like the Women's History class mentioned previously, if for example there is an Advanced Math class, and the professor is a male who has it in his head that males are better at math than females, and there are male students in the class that want to echo his sentiments, (the ego desire to "own" knowledge), then that class will probably be a Hostile Environment toward female students. Not only will there be few females in the class because of this obvious vibe, so the female students will feel exposed and unprotected, but also the male professor will do all kinds of subtle things to avoid acknowledging the female student as a "Real Member" of the group. Any male students who engage in this behavior will NOT be corrected by this professor, he will allow it to happen, pretend he doesn't notice it, turn away when it happens instead of addressing the problem. It is a matter not just of direct bullying by the professor, but of laying down a red carpet for anyone else who desires to display hostility toward the female student.
Hostile Environments are created by those who have ego-identity issues, who desire to be a member of an "elite" group. Those who try to work and learn in such an environment are often sabotaged to the extent that they cannot complete tasks or achieve their goals, which is of course the goal of the members of the group. (Then the group members will say "See, he/she couldn't do it because he/she is not one of us.")
You may well be creating a "hostile environment" if you belong to a group of people who have come together based on superficial traits, and if you and your group hold pride in these traits. For example, a Women's History class that is made up of all women, and is led by a female professor, can easily create a hostile environment toward male students. If their focus on the subject is objective and straightforward, then the class may be safe, and all students can learn and participate without feeling like an "outsider". But if the women plug this into their personal egos and identities, and make it about themselves, bonding with each other on their femaleness, "Men Can't Get This, Only We Get This", they are probably creating a hostile environment toward males, AND toward any females who refuse to participate in the "us against them" games. (Women's History is not FOR women, it is HUMAN HISTORY that pertains to everyone, and is FOR everyone.) Such a hostile environment will perpetuate itself; most male students will feel uncomfortable, and drop the class, or not take it in the first place when the atmosphere of the class is talked about. Therefore there will be few men in the class. Not because men "can't get it", or "can't learn it", but because of the hostile environment.
Any group can do this~ groups based on ethnic identity; "WE" are the "good people" and "They" are the "bad people", "dumb people", "racist people", "arrogant people"~ members of the group are not intellectually able to see themselves or others as individuals. Groups based on Political Parties are very common as well.
Groups based on their age~ teens of all generations do this. "We" understand things that the "older people" don't GET, man! (Remember that?) But older adults do this as well. Of course, these older adults were often the same people who did this as teens. They just change the thing they have in common with the other people they have grouped themselves with. (Baby boomers, for example.) "We" get stuff that no one else gets, man!
Groups based on gender are the most common. People will often believe that another person, whom they know NOTHING about, has similar skills, life experience, knowledge, and interests all because they are the same gender as themselves. Or that the person will automatically bond with them, or be on their "side" against the opposite sex. This creates very hostile environments, separation, division, resentment, and halts productivity and progress.
Like the Women's History class mentioned previously, if for example there is an Advanced Math class, and the professor is a male who has it in his head that males are better at math than females, and there are male students in the class that want to echo his sentiments, (the ego desire to "own" knowledge), then that class will probably be a Hostile Environment toward female students. Not only will there be few females in the class because of this obvious vibe, so the female students will feel exposed and unprotected, but also the male professor will do all kinds of subtle things to avoid acknowledging the female student as a "Real Member" of the group. Any male students who engage in this behavior will NOT be corrected by this professor, he will allow it to happen, pretend he doesn't notice it, turn away when it happens instead of addressing the problem. It is a matter not just of direct bullying by the professor, but of laying down a red carpet for anyone else who desires to display hostility toward the female student.
Hostile Environments are created by those who have ego-identity issues, who desire to be a member of an "elite" group. Those who try to work and learn in such an environment are often sabotaged to the extent that they cannot complete tasks or achieve their goals, which is of course the goal of the members of the group. (Then the group members will say "See, he/she couldn't do it because he/she is not one of us.")
Ego, Memory Lapse, and Ownership
An intriguing, and also often aggravating, thing that some people do on a regular basis is claiming ownership of ideas, knowledge, and things.
A very common example is when a person learns how to do something, and then treats others as if they are stupid or ignorant because they have not learned how to do that yet. As if the knowledge they have...
acquired is innate, they were born knowing it.
People who do this also tend to do something else: they want to be the "One Who Knows", as if the knowledge is a solid object that only one person can own. They will often treat certain others as if they do NOT KNOW what THEY know~ they couldn't possibly... (If they know how to run a machine, you don't. Because in their minds, the knowledge to run the machine is like a stone held in your hand. Only one person can hold a stone. If they are holding it, you can't be holding it.)
I have run into this on a regular basis in the building trades. It looks like sexism, and it is to some extent, but it's not really about that. It's about the individual's ego. "I know something that makes me special" or "I know something that proves I am one of the Men" is very common, and obviously an issue from childhood that was not grown out of. "Masculine knowledge" does not exist in reality; all knowledge can be learned by anyone who wants to learn it. But the sexism is just a symptom; the men who keep trying to prove that a woman does not know what they know ALSO do this to other men, based on any kind of superiority/inferiority issue.
As a personal example, probably the most poignant one I can remember was: a male friend who does manual labor for carpenters part time (he has a full time office job) explained to me for literally 2 hours how he dug holes for footings of a deck, and how much work that was, how much dirt was moved, and how it takes a long time, how difficult, what it was for, etc etc etc, (something he had done the previous summer), and how NO ONE UNDERSTOOD HOW MUCH WORK IT WAS. Why was that poignant? Because he was telling ME all this, as if I had no idea about digging footings, or building decks. That same day I had LITERALLY left work, taken a shower and drove out to meet him~ the shower was to wash off dirt and sweat from DIGGING FOOTING HOLES all day, manually; it was the fourth day of it; I had to dig them manually because of the location, and they had to be extra deep, and the dirt had to be moved up a hill... for MY CONTRACTING BUSINESS. My friend actually interrupted, dismissed, and ignored me every single time I started to explain that yes, I could relate to the difficulty of digging footing holes...
Another glaring example: One day my partner, my employee and I were looking at a kitchen remodel, where the closet wall had to be reconfigured. I assessed it and explained in detail what I thought we needed to do to achieve the goal. The two men were silent until I finished. My partner then proceeded to repeat exactly what I had just said, nearly word for word, explaining it as if he had thought of it completely himself. My employee just stared in surprise~ I said "That's what I just said" my partner said "No you didn't~" my employee said "YES, she DID." That kind of thing happened OFTEN, with lots of different people, in various scenarios.
There are plenty of women who do this as well, especially with things that bolster their identity as a "Woman", just like when men do it. If one of these women knows a recipe, she often convinces herself, and everyone else, that she is the only one who can make that dish, or make it well. This woman often is the "only one who knows how to do the laundry", as if this knowledge is innate. Exactly like the man who believe they are the "only one who knows how to use the chopsaw". This woman is also the Authority On Child Rearing, she is the Only One who know how to wash a baby, how to make bottles, how to hold a baby, how to dress a child, how to discipline a child. How to make a bed. How to vacuum, how to mop, how to fold towels, how to do secretarial tasks. Anything that she knows how to do, especially if it can be labeled "Feminine", she is the authority, and she will condescend to women when she can get away with it. Exactly like this same man will condescend to other men when they can get away with it.
They seem to completely forget LEARNING how to do things. They were simply born knowing everything they know, and they would rather not have someone else share this knowledge.
You can also see this same behavior with THINGS. with many of these same people. If they receive something they like as a gift from you, they often convince themselves that they are the one who acquired the thing all on their own. Sometimes they will even invent a story about acquiring it. If you let them borrow or use your equipment, they often come to believe that it belongs to THEM. They simply forget or delete that the thing is yours. (How many CDs have you lost to this?) I have lost thousands of dollars of tools and equipment over the years to this.
I have also lent things to others who not only decided that it was their own, but "forgot" that I was the one who showed them the thing in the first place, and even that I had any interest or experience in the subject. They completely convinced themselves that they were the one who discovered whatever the interest was, and then proceeded to behave toward me as if I had no knowledge, interest, or experience in the subject at all. They literally have to "Own" EVERYTHING that is in their possession, or in their heads, and they seem to completely delete anything that is related to you giving them the thing, or you doing the thing, or you knowing about the thing.
These men and women will DELETE anything that shows what they believe isn't right in their heads. BOTH men and women who do this also go along very much with gender roles and sexist sabotage; it makes it much easier for them to "Own" knowledge and things in their fantasies. BOTH males and females will dismiss men who are regular cooks in the home, who are the main child-caregiver, male nurses, stay-at-home-fathers, etc, and will dismiss female auto mechanics, politicians, doctors, carpenters, engineers. If something has a "male" or "female" connotation to it in their heads, they will dismiss a person who is not the right sex, and will deny that they could POSSIBLY have any "real" knowledge, skill or experience.
People who do this also tend to do something else: they want to be the "One Who Knows", as if the knowledge is a solid object that only one person can own. They will often treat certain others as if they do NOT KNOW what THEY know~ they couldn't possibly... (If they know how to run a machine, you don't. Because in their minds, the knowledge to run the machine is like a stone held in your hand. Only one person can hold a stone. If they are holding it, you can't be holding it.)
I have run into this on a regular basis in the building trades. It looks like sexism, and it is to some extent, but it's not really about that. It's about the individual's ego. "I know something that makes me special" or "I know something that proves I am one of the Men" is very common, and obviously an issue from childhood that was not grown out of. "Masculine knowledge" does not exist in reality; all knowledge can be learned by anyone who wants to learn it. But the sexism is just a symptom; the men who keep trying to prove that a woman does not know what they know ALSO do this to other men, based on any kind of superiority/inferiority issue.
As a personal example, probably the most poignant one I can remember was: a male friend who does manual labor for carpenters part time (he has a full time office job) explained to me for literally 2 hours how he dug holes for footings of a deck, and how much work that was, how much dirt was moved, and how it takes a long time, how difficult, what it was for, etc etc etc, (something he had done the previous summer), and how NO ONE UNDERSTOOD HOW MUCH WORK IT WAS. Why was that poignant? Because he was telling ME all this, as if I had no idea about digging footings, or building decks. That same day I had LITERALLY left work, taken a shower and drove out to meet him~ the shower was to wash off dirt and sweat from DIGGING FOOTING HOLES all day, manually; it was the fourth day of it; I had to dig them manually because of the location, and they had to be extra deep, and the dirt had to be moved up a hill... for MY CONTRACTING BUSINESS. My friend actually interrupted, dismissed, and ignored me every single time I started to explain that yes, I could relate to the difficulty of digging footing holes...
Another glaring example: One day my partner, my employee and I were looking at a kitchen remodel, where the closet wall had to be reconfigured. I assessed it and explained in detail what I thought we needed to do to achieve the goal. The two men were silent until I finished. My partner then proceeded to repeat exactly what I had just said, nearly word for word, explaining it as if he had thought of it completely himself. My employee just stared in surprise~ I said "That's what I just said" my partner said "No you didn't~" my employee said "YES, she DID." That kind of thing happened OFTEN, with lots of different people, in various scenarios.
There are plenty of women who do this as well, especially with things that bolster their identity as a "Woman", just like when men do it. If one of these women knows a recipe, she often convinces herself, and everyone else, that she is the only one who can make that dish, or make it well. This woman often is the "only one who knows how to do the laundry", as if this knowledge is innate. Exactly like the man who believe they are the "only one who knows how to use the chopsaw". This woman is also the Authority On Child Rearing, she is the Only One who know how to wash a baby, how to make bottles, how to hold a baby, how to dress a child, how to discipline a child. How to make a bed. How to vacuum, how to mop, how to fold towels, how to do secretarial tasks. Anything that she knows how to do, especially if it can be labeled "Feminine", she is the authority, and she will condescend to women when she can get away with it. Exactly like this same man will condescend to other men when they can get away with it.
They seem to completely forget LEARNING how to do things. They were simply born knowing everything they know, and they would rather not have someone else share this knowledge.
You can also see this same behavior with THINGS. with many of these same people. If they receive something they like as a gift from you, they often convince themselves that they are the one who acquired the thing all on their own. Sometimes they will even invent a story about acquiring it. If you let them borrow or use your equipment, they often come to believe that it belongs to THEM. They simply forget or delete that the thing is yours. (How many CDs have you lost to this?) I have lost thousands of dollars of tools and equipment over the years to this.
I have also lent things to others who not only decided that it was their own, but "forgot" that I was the one who showed them the thing in the first place, and even that I had any interest or experience in the subject. They completely convinced themselves that they were the one who discovered whatever the interest was, and then proceeded to behave toward me as if I had no knowledge, interest, or experience in the subject at all. They literally have to "Own" EVERYTHING that is in their possession, or in their heads, and they seem to completely delete anything that is related to you giving them the thing, or you doing the thing, or you knowing about the thing.
These men and women will DELETE anything that shows what they believe isn't right in their heads. BOTH men and women who do this also go along very much with gender roles and sexist sabotage; it makes it much easier for them to "Own" knowledge and things in their fantasies. BOTH males and females will dismiss men who are regular cooks in the home, who are the main child-caregiver, male nurses, stay-at-home-fathers, etc, and will dismiss female auto mechanics, politicians, doctors, carpenters, engineers. If something has a "male" or "female" connotation to it in their heads, they will dismiss a person who is not the right sex, and will deny that they could POSSIBLY have any "real" knowledge, skill or experience.
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