Fake Friends?
When I am upset with someone about their lack
of friendship, support, or respect toward me, the first thing I ask is
"how much friendship, support, or respect have I shown them, really and
truly? What is the actual history, and not just the one in my head right
now?" After enough soul searching, a clearer picture is usually
revealed. Sometimes it shows that I am expecting more from them than I give,
or forgetting the support they have given me. Sometimes it shows that
they are just living their life with no ill intention toward anyone, and
I am just feeling overwhelmed. Still, sometimes it shows that I am
expecting friendship from a person who has already shown that they're
not capable of friendship, support, or respect, or that they haven't
shown any of these things toward me specifically, only toward others.
Whatever the picture reveals, it is closer to reality which helps me to better navigate my surroundings and relationships, and manage my feelings.
Whatever the picture reveals, it is closer to reality which helps me to better navigate my surroundings and relationships, and manage my feelings.
Enlightenment
The first step on the path to enlightenment is the hardest; it is to simply listen, and hear.
And when you have done so, go to the beginning and listen again, and hear what you missed.
When you have mastered this first step, you will have truly begun.
Your second step is to listen longer, and to hear more.
And when you have done so, go to the beginning and listen again, and hear what you missed.
When you have mastered this first step, you will have truly begun.
Your second step is to listen longer, and to hear more.
Control Issues, Tuning Out
"Tuning out" is what those with control issues do on a daily basis.
It is nearly impossible to have a direct conversation about anything relational with a person who has control issues. Some people have control issues because they are overwhelmed, defensive, and feel like they are being controlled by others. Some have control issues because they developed it as a coping skill during childhood. Some have OCD or some form of autism that causes them to need to have things a certain way or they feel very anxious. Still others simply feel compelled or entitled to be in control, and will do anything to maintain that position, regardless of the effect it has on others.
To have a direct, real, reciprocal conversation with them about a real subject, where you speak and they actually can hear what you say, and then they respond to what you actually said in a conversational tone, can be nearly impossible. When the subject has to do with their actions or the relationship between you, they will usually try to change the subject, sidestep the topic, leave or hang up, or derail the entire conversation by becoming argumentative or hostile.
Their thoughts are running while you are speaking. They do not hear your words, they don't listen to your words, they don't try to understand the concept that you are communicating. They don't CARE what you have to say; their only concern is that you pay attention to what THEY say, or do what they want you to do.
For a controller, hearing and truly taking in another point of view that is different from their own is tantamount to listening to nails on a chalkboard. If you are not saying something that makes them feel good, even if it's just neutral, they will tune it out. This is why they cannot hear you when you speak. Why they cannot have a discussion about anything they don't initiate, already agree with, or makes them feel comfortable.
When a person who has control issues replies to you, it is often completely off topic, or an entirely NEW topic. They will speak as if you had not spoken at all. They will even do things like repeat what you said, as if they had thought of it, with no acknowledgment that you were actually the one who said it. (They heard the words and simply assimilated them into their own thought stream, without listening TO YOU.) They may ask you a question and just ignore you when you answer, and talk right over you. They may change the subject so frequently and quickly, and bounce from one topic to another so fast that that there is no way to even reply. They are talking to talk, not to converse. They want you to hear THEIR words, THEIR thoughts, THEIR feelings, THEIR ideas, but they really have no interest in hearing yours.
Your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants are insignificant to a controller, nearly non-existent. Their world is as if they are the only real person in it, even if they think they love or care for you. They won't read what you write, and they won't hear what you say, and they won't respond directly to anything from you. They can't, they didn't hear what you said.
The only exception to this is when they want to tell you that you are wrong, which can be very frustrating or heartbreaking, since it's the only time they seem to hear you.
Ironically, the person who has control issues can feel very, very frustrated, lonely, or rejected because they don't feel HEARD, or they feel like all you do is disagree with them or dismiss them (unless they are a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath who is doing all the control behaviors on purpose.) They are often unaware that they are so adamant in being heard that they have stopped listening to others altogether. You could ask them 50 questions and they may not answer a single one; they will just keep saying the same thing as before, as if you had not asked a single one. You could write them a letter outlining point by point the things that are on your mind and in your heart, and they may not acknowledge a single one of them; you may as well have not even written it.
The one thing that can help in dealing with a person who has control issues, (if they are NOT a Narcissist or Sociopath), is knowing that they most likely really can't help it at the moment. They are doing it to protect themselves in some way that they themselves probably don't understand. Or, they learned it in childhood and don't realize that their communication habits are robbing them of rich and wonderful experiences. Most people with control issues do not seek help, and become extremely defensive if someone requests for them to do anything to change their control habits. They may not ever learn better communication or interaction skills, but those around them can learn how to detach and see it more objectively. When a person with control issues ignores what I say, I know it's not my fault; "shortcomings" of mine did not cause them to do so. I can let go of the feeling that I did something wrong, or that I am not "enough" of a person.
It is nearly impossible to have a direct conversation about anything relational with a person who has control issues. Some people have control issues because they are overwhelmed, defensive, and feel like they are being controlled by others. Some have control issues because they developed it as a coping skill during childhood. Some have OCD or some form of autism that causes them to need to have things a certain way or they feel very anxious. Still others simply feel compelled or entitled to be in control, and will do anything to maintain that position, regardless of the effect it has on others.
To have a direct, real, reciprocal conversation with them about a real subject, where you speak and they actually can hear what you say, and then they respond to what you actually said in a conversational tone, can be nearly impossible. When the subject has to do with their actions or the relationship between you, they will usually try to change the subject, sidestep the topic, leave or hang up, or derail the entire conversation by becoming argumentative or hostile.
Their thoughts are running while you are speaking. They do not hear your words, they don't listen to your words, they don't try to understand the concept that you are communicating. They don't CARE what you have to say; their only concern is that you pay attention to what THEY say, or do what they want you to do.
For a controller, hearing and truly taking in another point of view that is different from their own is tantamount to listening to nails on a chalkboard. If you are not saying something that makes them feel good, even if it's just neutral, they will tune it out. This is why they cannot hear you when you speak. Why they cannot have a discussion about anything they don't initiate, already agree with, or makes them feel comfortable.
When a person who has control issues replies to you, it is often completely off topic, or an entirely NEW topic. They will speak as if you had not spoken at all. They will even do things like repeat what you said, as if they had thought of it, with no acknowledgment that you were actually the one who said it. (They heard the words and simply assimilated them into their own thought stream, without listening TO YOU.) They may ask you a question and just ignore you when you answer, and talk right over you. They may change the subject so frequently and quickly, and bounce from one topic to another so fast that that there is no way to even reply. They are talking to talk, not to converse. They want you to hear THEIR words, THEIR thoughts, THEIR feelings, THEIR ideas, but they really have no interest in hearing yours.
Your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants are insignificant to a controller, nearly non-existent. Their world is as if they are the only real person in it, even if they think they love or care for you. They won't read what you write, and they won't hear what you say, and they won't respond directly to anything from you. They can't, they didn't hear what you said.
The only exception to this is when they want to tell you that you are wrong, which can be very frustrating or heartbreaking, since it's the only time they seem to hear you.
Ironically, the person who has control issues can feel very, very frustrated, lonely, or rejected because they don't feel HEARD, or they feel like all you do is disagree with them or dismiss them (unless they are a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath who is doing all the control behaviors on purpose.) They are often unaware that they are so adamant in being heard that they have stopped listening to others altogether. You could ask them 50 questions and they may not answer a single one; they will just keep saying the same thing as before, as if you had not asked a single one. You could write them a letter outlining point by point the things that are on your mind and in your heart, and they may not acknowledge a single one of them; you may as well have not even written it.
The one thing that can help in dealing with a person who has control issues, (if they are NOT a Narcissist or Sociopath), is knowing that they most likely really can't help it at the moment. They are doing it to protect themselves in some way that they themselves probably don't understand. Or, they learned it in childhood and don't realize that their communication habits are robbing them of rich and wonderful experiences. Most people with control issues do not seek help, and become extremely defensive if someone requests for them to do anything to change their control habits. They may not ever learn better communication or interaction skills, but those around them can learn how to detach and see it more objectively. When a person with control issues ignores what I say, I know it's not my fault; "shortcomings" of mine did not cause them to do so. I can let go of the feeling that I did something wrong, or that I am not "enough" of a person.
Tom, Get Your Plane Right On Time
Tom, get your plane right on time.
I know your part'll go fine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IwYQ1Vqf_4
Brain Doings
What can I do today to feel better? What can I do today to help someone else feel better, or to help? What can I avoid doing that might bring someone else sadness, trouble, or pain? Do I have domination, retaliation, or gain at the expense of others in mind, or do I have well-being and good will for others and myself in mind?
Overwhelmed
When the burden, pain, or fear we carry is
great, we can become unable to differentiate our friends from our
enemies. We can forget that others carry their own burdens, some greater
than ours. We can project blame onto whomever comes close, making those
who would respect us into enemies, like a wounded dog who snaps at the
veterinarian. Our vision becomes clouded and our thoughts become
overwhelmed with the stress of our
burdens, and we can drive away those who mean us good will, and let in
those who mean us ill, just because one seems stronger than the other to
our blurred eyes.
It is when our burdens are greatest that it is most important to be still. To stop and readjust our eyes, let our thoughts settle, and unravel the tangles of our emotions. Stop and look around in peace and calm acknowledgement at where we are, and who is near, and what is actually happening. Care for our bodies, spirit, and heart, and remember the gentle creatures as we were so born.
It is when our burdens are greatest that it is most important to be still. To stop and readjust our eyes, let our thoughts settle, and unravel the tangles of our emotions. Stop and look around in peace and calm acknowledgement at where we are, and who is near, and what is actually happening. Care for our bodies, spirit, and heart, and remember the gentle creatures as we were so born.
Expectations Of Acceptance
We humans only want to hear what we expect to hear from who we expect to hear it from.
It makes us feel warm inside when a Dad throws a baseball or teaches us to use a hammer,
when a Mom bakes cookies or mends our scrapes.
It makes us feel secure when a husband fixes a broken lamp or takes the driver's seat,
when a wife grows flowers or cleans the house.
It makes us feel comfortable when a repair man shows up to fix the plumbing,
or our doctor's nurse is a woman.
It makes us feel unchallenged when a man is the boss,
and a woman is an assistant.
It makes us feel excited when men play the instruments,
and women sing.
It makes us feel safe when a man speaks words of intellect,
and a woman speaks words of comfort.
All of these good feelings tell us that the world is as we know it, and as we want it to be.
But... all of these feelings are about US, what makes US feel normal, what gives US a feeling of status quo. What about the feelings of OTHER people around us? What about THEIR feelings, THEIR reality, THEIR actual and real abilities, talents, aspirations, dreams and goals?
Why do so many parents deny their sons and daughters education about things that are real and wonderful, or essential for daily living, just because they were born a certain way? We know it's wrong, now, to do that to a child based on race or other physical traits, so why haven't we learned that it's wrong to do that to a child based on gender? Why do so many people only listen to one kind of person about one thing, but not another?
Why do we applaud one kind of person for doing something, and denigrate another for doing the very same thing?
Why is it more important to us that other people play the roles that WE want them to play, instead of being supportive and applauding people for doing what THEY want to do?
Expectations and denials... they are handicaps to our vision, and our acceptance of others for the magnificent creatures they really are.
It makes us feel warm inside when a Dad throws a baseball or teaches us to use a hammer,
when a Mom bakes cookies or mends our scrapes.
It makes us feel secure when a husband fixes a broken lamp or takes the driver's seat,
when a wife grows flowers or cleans the house.
It makes us feel comfortable when a repair man shows up to fix the plumbing,
or our doctor's nurse is a woman.
It makes us feel unchallenged when a man is the boss,
and a woman is an assistant.
It makes us feel excited when men play the instruments,
and women sing.
It makes us feel safe when a man speaks words of intellect,
and a woman speaks words of comfort.
All of these good feelings tell us that the world is as we know it, and as we want it to be.
But... all of these feelings are about US, what makes US feel normal, what gives US a feeling of status quo. What about the feelings of OTHER people around us? What about THEIR feelings, THEIR reality, THEIR actual and real abilities, talents, aspirations, dreams and goals?
Why do so many parents deny their sons and daughters education about things that are real and wonderful, or essential for daily living, just because they were born a certain way? We know it's wrong, now, to do that to a child based on race or other physical traits, so why haven't we learned that it's wrong to do that to a child based on gender? Why do so many people only listen to one kind of person about one thing, but not another?
Why do we applaud one kind of person for doing something, and denigrate another for doing the very same thing?
Why is it more important to us that other people play the roles that WE want them to play, instead of being supportive and applauding people for doing what THEY want to do?
Expectations and denials... they are handicaps to our vision, and our acceptance of others for the magnificent creatures they really are.
We ARE The "Community"
Why is the world screwed up?
Gee maybe it's because of that giant SNOWBALL...
Without a courteous, supportive, reasonably civilized adult community, it is nearly impossible to raise confident, aware, happy children effectively. When adults start the ball rolling of passing the buck, saying the kids are someone else's responsibility, the problems are someone else's fault, "not my job", no one is left to be role models or care for them. An entire community who actively cares about their children, and respects EACH OTHER, is essential in making future healthy adults. If we want our kids to be disrespectful, unhappy adults who feel like there is bleakness in the world and the only way to be happy is to be materially wealthy, then all we have to do is model disrespect and openly judge others. If we want a child to disrespect men, and herself, treat her father with disrespect; if we want a child to disrespect women, and himself, treat his mother without respect. If we want a child to lose trust and hope, treat any adults who work in the community without respect. If we want a child to lose hope for her own future and her own life, let the adults in the community treat HER with disdain and without respect, and do not hold her to any kind of expectation; convince her that she doesn't BELONG in the "Good/Strong/Worthy People" CLIQUE. Works like a charm, and helps to destroy the fabric of the entire community.
Gee maybe it's because of that giant SNOWBALL...
Without a courteous, supportive, reasonably civilized adult community, it is nearly impossible to raise confident, aware, happy children effectively. When adults start the ball rolling of passing the buck, saying the kids are someone else's responsibility, the problems are someone else's fault, "not my job", no one is left to be role models or care for them. An entire community who actively cares about their children, and respects EACH OTHER, is essential in making future healthy adults. If we want our kids to be disrespectful, unhappy adults who feel like there is bleakness in the world and the only way to be happy is to be materially wealthy, then all we have to do is model disrespect and openly judge others. If we want a child to disrespect men, and herself, treat her father with disrespect; if we want a child to disrespect women, and himself, treat his mother without respect. If we want a child to lose trust and hope, treat any adults who work in the community without respect. If we want a child to lose hope for her own future and her own life, let the adults in the community treat HER with disdain and without respect, and do not hold her to any kind of expectation; convince her that she doesn't BELONG in the "Good/Strong/Worthy People" CLIQUE. Works like a charm, and helps to destroy the fabric of the entire community.
Control And Abandonment
One of the main ways a controller/abuser keeps a hold on their target is with threat of abandonment. This tack works well on children, and on adults who were neglected or abandoned at some point during childhood. It works because neglect and abandonment have actual life-threatening consequences, and once a child has experienced this, they are aware of how terrible the potential danger can be.
Controller/abusers use this fear when they find it. This is a bull's eye on the forehead of a potential target. All a controller has to do is to someone with abandonment trauma is turn a cold shoulder, deny normal attention, act as if spending time with the target is LAST on the "important priority" list. (People who love you move their schedules, move time and space itself, to make time with you; controllers act as if any rescheduling or re-prioritizing would be a burden on them, as if you are demanding too much. Going out of their way to see you or do things with you is what normal and healthy friends, family, and lovers do as a matter of course; controllers can't be bothered to "mess up their schedule". But they will expect you to do it for them when they "require" it, and will even blame you for the lack of time and fun together.) Refuse to communicate directly, act as if they can't be bothered, treat the target like a bothersome pest, treat the target like they don't measure up to the controller's standards. Treat the target like they aren't good enough to be allowed in the controller's "Club". The target's trauma kicks in with fear, and even if they are sick to death of this person's other behaviors, this fear can take over and they will be relieved when the controller pays attention to them once again, instead of angry or annoyed at the inconsiderate behavior. The target will often catch themselves doing things to "win" the controller back, and feel shame for their "weakness", not realizing it is a trigger response to trauma, exactly like automatically trying to catch one's self from falling from a high place. This is the cycle, however; the controller is counting on their target's self-blame and loss of self-esteem. The more they use this abandonment tactic, the more it works.
Those with this trauma are aware that people who abandon or neglect also easily break bonds, or don't make real ones in the first place. If they care about or love the controller, they will fear betrayal at the first sign of abandonment/neglect behavior. They know it is probably imminent, and the pain of betrayal on top of abandonment can be almost too much to bear. So, they try to make the controller WANT to stay with them, WANT to BOND with them. This is still a trigger response to fear; it's not relationship-building. Which is what the controller wants; relationship-building is not what they have in mind anyway.
People without this trauma behave in all kinds of ways to ensure their acceptance in their crowd, mimicking everything from acceptable hairstyles and clothing to speech patterns, body language and political rhetoric, but they are not usually aware of their own instinct compulsion to fit in. A lot of people who consider themselves "non-conformists" are still within the acceptable limits of whatever group they identify with.
However people who HAVE been traumatized by abandonment in their childhood have a greater awareness, at least subconsciously, of just how dangerous it actually is to be left out in the cold, to not be accepted as one of the group, and how quickly that often leads to denial of basic human needs. Human beings ostracize and abandon much more easily and quickly than most people are willing to accept, and only those who have been on the receiving end know just how easily and quickly and how dangerous it can be. Even those who were not abandoned purposely can still have this trauma and awareness. If one parent does not know that the other is neglecting or abusing, he or she does not know to step in, but the child will often still feel abandoned by both. There are entire families who neglect and abandon the children among their ranks whom they do not accept as "one of them", for various dysfunctional reasons, so even if a child has one person who is truly caring, they are still experiencing the abandonment from the rest of the family.
Controllers can see this, can sense this, and will use it if they can. It's one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal.
Curing one's fear of abandonment can take a lot of difficult work, and any controllers around will try to ruin the effort and progress.
Seeking out people and places who are objectively supportive, who have no personal agenda, can be extremely helpful in unraveling this fear. A good therapist, the rare trustworthy friend, online support groups can help.
A few links:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?fref=ts
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/relationship-addiction.htm
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
Controller/abusers use this fear when they find it. This is a bull's eye on the forehead of a potential target. All a controller has to do is to someone with abandonment trauma is turn a cold shoulder, deny normal attention, act as if spending time with the target is LAST on the "important priority" list. (People who love you move their schedules, move time and space itself, to make time with you; controllers act as if any rescheduling or re-prioritizing would be a burden on them, as if you are demanding too much. Going out of their way to see you or do things with you is what normal and healthy friends, family, and lovers do as a matter of course; controllers can't be bothered to "mess up their schedule". But they will expect you to do it for them when they "require" it, and will even blame you for the lack of time and fun together.) Refuse to communicate directly, act as if they can't be bothered, treat the target like a bothersome pest, treat the target like they don't measure up to the controller's standards. Treat the target like they aren't good enough to be allowed in the controller's "Club". The target's trauma kicks in with fear, and even if they are sick to death of this person's other behaviors, this fear can take over and they will be relieved when the controller pays attention to them once again, instead of angry or annoyed at the inconsiderate behavior. The target will often catch themselves doing things to "win" the controller back, and feel shame for their "weakness", not realizing it is a trigger response to trauma, exactly like automatically trying to catch one's self from falling from a high place. This is the cycle, however; the controller is counting on their target's self-blame and loss of self-esteem. The more they use this abandonment tactic, the more it works.
Those with this trauma are aware that people who abandon or neglect also easily break bonds, or don't make real ones in the first place. If they care about or love the controller, they will fear betrayal at the first sign of abandonment/neglect behavior. They know it is probably imminent, and the pain of betrayal on top of abandonment can be almost too much to bear. So, they try to make the controller WANT to stay with them, WANT to BOND with them. This is still a trigger response to fear; it's not relationship-building. Which is what the controller wants; relationship-building is not what they have in mind anyway.
People without this trauma behave in all kinds of ways to ensure their acceptance in their crowd, mimicking everything from acceptable hairstyles and clothing to speech patterns, body language and political rhetoric, but they are not usually aware of their own instinct compulsion to fit in. A lot of people who consider themselves "non-conformists" are still within the acceptable limits of whatever group they identify with.
However people who HAVE been traumatized by abandonment in their childhood have a greater awareness, at least subconsciously, of just how dangerous it actually is to be left out in the cold, to not be accepted as one of the group, and how quickly that often leads to denial of basic human needs. Human beings ostracize and abandon much more easily and quickly than most people are willing to accept, and only those who have been on the receiving end know just how easily and quickly and how dangerous it can be. Even those who were not abandoned purposely can still have this trauma and awareness. If one parent does not know that the other is neglecting or abusing, he or she does not know to step in, but the child will often still feel abandoned by both. There are entire families who neglect and abandon the children among their ranks whom they do not accept as "one of them", for various dysfunctional reasons, so even if a child has one person who is truly caring, they are still experiencing the abandonment from the rest of the family.
Controllers can see this, can sense this, and will use it if they can. It's one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal.
Curing one's fear of abandonment can take a lot of difficult work, and any controllers around will try to ruin the effort and progress.
Seeking out people and places who are objectively supportive, who have no personal agenda, can be extremely helpful in unraveling this fear. A good therapist, the rare trustworthy friend, online support groups can help.
A few links:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?fref=ts
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/relationship-addiction.htm
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
What Is This Narcissism About?
People who have Narcissism disorder do a lot of the same things as people who don't have the disorder. The difference is why they are doing these things; the reasons behind them.
Call the Narcissist "Ned" and the non-Narcissist "Hank".
Hank met Stephanie when they were both 22. They dated for five years, had a lot in common so they did a lot of fun things together, had a wonderful time. They traveled, explored, loved doing anything and everything together. Hank proposed during a beautiful dinner at Stephanie's favorite restaurant, and was thrilled when she said yes. They built a marriage and a home together, and had a blast doing it.
Ned met Lucia when he was 28, and she was 21. He pursued her romantically, calling her, complimenting her, taking her out, telling her how special she was, how they would build a beautiful life together, until she finally believed him. After about six months, when Ned felt comfortably sure that she was in love with him, he let his "guard" down. All along Ned had been doing something he thought of as "courting", where he actually BELIEVES that the man gains a woman's trust by giving her gifts and telling her all kinds of romantic promises and stories. He is not building a friendship, trust, or bond, he is performing. Ned seriously believed that "courting" was a make-believe kind of "dance", where the man pretends to be a Prince Charming, and that the woman KNOWS that he is performing this "courting dance", and that she KNOWS it's not real, and that she KNOWS that once she commits to him, HE gets to be the "BOSS" in the relationship, like a strict father of a young girl.When Lucia became upset when he showed this side of him, he back-pedaled, thinking he stepped out of the pretend-courting too soon, and that she was not fully "under his wing" (under his authority) yet. He was afraid she would fly away like a scared bird, so he put the CHARM back on and promised to never be that way again. After a while, he let the mask slip again. By then, Lucia truly loved him because he had been faking being her actual friend for so long, and begged him to go to counseling with her so they could repair the relationship. She was beginning to believe it was her fault, and he kept telling her it was. Ned went to one session just to appease her, but refused to go back. Tired of the CHARM/courting game, he began simply treating her like an errant child in order to keep control over her. Nothing she did could change his behavior, although she kept trying, because she truly loved him. After a long enough time, Lucia's heart and mind began to stretch from mental and emotional exhaustion, and she gave in; she stopped remembering who she used to be and became a shell of a person. Ned had picked Lucia because she was pretty, she looked easy to manipulate, he thought his friends would be jealous, and he saw that her parents had some money, so he wanted to "keep" her; he talked her into marrying him (after one of his tirades). They didn't have the large, beautiful traditional wedding that Lucia had always wanted for the sake of her parents, because Ned knew it would make her happy. He wanted to stay in control of that too, so he dictated a small, informal ceremony with only immediate family in attendance. He even picked out Lucia's dress, and made a fuss about who she was going to ask to be her maid of honor.
A dog gets hit by a car. Ned sees the dog as he drives by, but he doesn't stop. There is no one else on the road. The only thought in his mind when he sees the dog is "glad it didn't run out in front of me, damage to my car, late for work, what a pain."
Hank sees the dog and immediately pulls over, wraps her in a blanket, and drives her to the nearest veterinarian. He gives them his phone number so they can call if they can't find the owner.
The next day, Ned hears about what Hank did at work, and sees how some people are praising him. He becomes annoyed and jealous.
A few days later, Ned sees a cat hit by a car on the same road. Ned drives by, but then remembers Hank and all the praise he received, so he turns around and picks up the cat, tossing him into backseat, without a blanket. The cat falls off onto the floor and yeowls; Ned yells at it to shut up. He gets to the veterinarian and stalks inside, demanding that someone come and get this smelly cat out of his car before he's late for work... Then he drives to work and tells everyone about how he saved the cat, and shows them the spot of blood on his shirt sleeve.
Hank and Ned are both married. Hank calls his wife three or four times a day to say hi, tell her about his day, exchange jokes, and talk about what their plans are for later. He calls her more often if she is not feeling well, or if she is having a rough day. She calls him also, whenever she feels like it. If one of them can't talk, they simply say "I can't talk" and then they call back later.
Ned calls his wife only for a few reasons: when he is angry or lonely, when he wants to tell her to do something, and when he is suspicious of her whereabouts. He tells her not to call him at work, and if she is feeling ill or having a hard day, he will not call her at all. If he knows she expects him to do something or pick something up, he will not call, and he will not answer the phone.
Ned and Hank have the same job.
Hank plays piano, and his wife plays guitar. They are happiest when they are playing together, they love the harmonies they create, the fugues, and the way the music brings them together. They enjoy inviting other musicians to join them both, the more the merrier, regardless of the skill level of the other musicians.
Ned plays guitar and sings, and his wife sings and plays piano. Ned gets irritated when his wife wants to play or sing with him, even though she is actually more talented than he is. Ned wants to be the one in the spotlight; it makes him angry when people pay attention to his wife or give her any credit. Ned enjoys being the lead guitar and singer in a cover band, and only allows "hot chicks" as he puts it to sing with him; his wife does not qualify, as she is past 30. He can't stand female musicians, because that means they are in competition with him, and not in the audience applauding him, like he pictures women. He revels in fronting a band of all "guys", because it makes him feel like "one of the Boys", and he has serious insecurities about being seen as a "man". Everything he does represents, in his mind, "being a man". So, he can not share any stage (or job, or recreation) with women, unless they look like they are being controlled by him, or adoring him.
In other words, Hank plays music for the love of music, and the love of sharing it. Ned plays music because he wants to be SEEN, and seen in a certain way. Hank loves the connection with his wife, and admires and enjoys her, which brings her great joy. Ned feels jealous of his wife, competes with her, criticizes her, refuses to play with her, uses the things that bring her joy to cause her pain. Ned treats his wife not like a beloved partner and friend, but like an envied sibling.
Hank lives life thinking of other people's well-being, how he can help, how he can bring joy and peace to others, and he is grateful. He is not always happy, sometimes he is sad, frustrated, angry, even enraged, especially when someone he cares about is hurting. He makes decisions and plans with his loved ones in mind, and loves to look after their well-being.
Ned lives life thinking about how to get more, and make others give him more, and how he deserve way more respect than the people around him, especially his dumb wife and that guy Hank at work. Ned believes that Hank is dumb, and does things for others only for praise. He thinks that every time Hank does something kind he tells everyone about it, because that's what HE does. Ned is constantly annoyed by the way people want him to "listen" to them, or to act more "kindly" toward them. He wishes they would all just shut up and treat him like the High Royal he is, and do what he tells them to do. He is happy when he gets his way, and when he gets adulation. When he does not get his way, when he has to stop what he wants to do in order to pay attention to someone else for any reason, or when someone does not treat him like he is above them, he becomes annoyed, even enraged. Ned punishes people when they don't do what he wants them to do either directly or by sabotaging them in various ways.
The people around Hank are better for him being in their lives, but mostly don't realize it.
The people around Ned are worse for him being in their lives, and mostly don't realize it.
Call the Narcissist "Ned" and the non-Narcissist "Hank".
Hank met Stephanie when they were both 22. They dated for five years, had a lot in common so they did a lot of fun things together, had a wonderful time. They traveled, explored, loved doing anything and everything together. Hank proposed during a beautiful dinner at Stephanie's favorite restaurant, and was thrilled when she said yes. They built a marriage and a home together, and had a blast doing it.
Ned met Lucia when he was 28, and she was 21. He pursued her romantically, calling her, complimenting her, taking her out, telling her how special she was, how they would build a beautiful life together, until she finally believed him. After about six months, when Ned felt comfortably sure that she was in love with him, he let his "guard" down. All along Ned had been doing something he thought of as "courting", where he actually BELIEVES that the man gains a woman's trust by giving her gifts and telling her all kinds of romantic promises and stories. He is not building a friendship, trust, or bond, he is performing. Ned seriously believed that "courting" was a make-believe kind of "dance", where the man pretends to be a Prince Charming, and that the woman KNOWS that he is performing this "courting dance", and that she KNOWS it's not real, and that she KNOWS that once she commits to him, HE gets to be the "BOSS" in the relationship, like a strict father of a young girl.When Lucia became upset when he showed this side of him, he back-pedaled, thinking he stepped out of the pretend-courting too soon, and that she was not fully "under his wing" (under his authority) yet. He was afraid she would fly away like a scared bird, so he put the CHARM back on and promised to never be that way again. After a while, he let the mask slip again. By then, Lucia truly loved him because he had been faking being her actual friend for so long, and begged him to go to counseling with her so they could repair the relationship. She was beginning to believe it was her fault, and he kept telling her it was. Ned went to one session just to appease her, but refused to go back. Tired of the CHARM/courting game, he began simply treating her like an errant child in order to keep control over her. Nothing she did could change his behavior, although she kept trying, because she truly loved him. After a long enough time, Lucia's heart and mind began to stretch from mental and emotional exhaustion, and she gave in; she stopped remembering who she used to be and became a shell of a person. Ned had picked Lucia because she was pretty, she looked easy to manipulate, he thought his friends would be jealous, and he saw that her parents had some money, so he wanted to "keep" her; he talked her into marrying him (after one of his tirades). They didn't have the large, beautiful traditional wedding that Lucia had always wanted for the sake of her parents, because Ned knew it would make her happy. He wanted to stay in control of that too, so he dictated a small, informal ceremony with only immediate family in attendance. He even picked out Lucia's dress, and made a fuss about who she was going to ask to be her maid of honor.
A dog gets hit by a car. Ned sees the dog as he drives by, but he doesn't stop. There is no one else on the road. The only thought in his mind when he sees the dog is "glad it didn't run out in front of me, damage to my car, late for work, what a pain."
Hank sees the dog and immediately pulls over, wraps her in a blanket, and drives her to the nearest veterinarian. He gives them his phone number so they can call if they can't find the owner.
The next day, Ned hears about what Hank did at work, and sees how some people are praising him. He becomes annoyed and jealous.
A few days later, Ned sees a cat hit by a car on the same road. Ned drives by, but then remembers Hank and all the praise he received, so he turns around and picks up the cat, tossing him into backseat, without a blanket. The cat falls off onto the floor and yeowls; Ned yells at it to shut up. He gets to the veterinarian and stalks inside, demanding that someone come and get this smelly cat out of his car before he's late for work... Then he drives to work and tells everyone about how he saved the cat, and shows them the spot of blood on his shirt sleeve.
Hank and Ned are both married. Hank calls his wife three or four times a day to say hi, tell her about his day, exchange jokes, and talk about what their plans are for later. He calls her more often if she is not feeling well, or if she is having a rough day. She calls him also, whenever she feels like it. If one of them can't talk, they simply say "I can't talk" and then they call back later.
Ned calls his wife only for a few reasons: when he is angry or lonely, when he wants to tell her to do something, and when he is suspicious of her whereabouts. He tells her not to call him at work, and if she is feeling ill or having a hard day, he will not call her at all. If he knows she expects him to do something or pick something up, he will not call, and he will not answer the phone.
Ned and Hank have the same job.
Hank plays piano, and his wife plays guitar. They are happiest when they are playing together, they love the harmonies they create, the fugues, and the way the music brings them together. They enjoy inviting other musicians to join them both, the more the merrier, regardless of the skill level of the other musicians.
Ned plays guitar and sings, and his wife sings and plays piano. Ned gets irritated when his wife wants to play or sing with him, even though she is actually more talented than he is. Ned wants to be the one in the spotlight; it makes him angry when people pay attention to his wife or give her any credit. Ned enjoys being the lead guitar and singer in a cover band, and only allows "hot chicks" as he puts it to sing with him; his wife does not qualify, as she is past 30. He can't stand female musicians, because that means they are in competition with him, and not in the audience applauding him, like he pictures women. He revels in fronting a band of all "guys", because it makes him feel like "one of the Boys", and he has serious insecurities about being seen as a "man". Everything he does represents, in his mind, "being a man". So, he can not share any stage (or job, or recreation) with women, unless they look like they are being controlled by him, or adoring him.
In other words, Hank plays music for the love of music, and the love of sharing it. Ned plays music because he wants to be SEEN, and seen in a certain way. Hank loves the connection with his wife, and admires and enjoys her, which brings her great joy. Ned feels jealous of his wife, competes with her, criticizes her, refuses to play with her, uses the things that bring her joy to cause her pain. Ned treats his wife not like a beloved partner and friend, but like an envied sibling.
Hank lives life thinking of other people's well-being, how he can help, how he can bring joy and peace to others, and he is grateful. He is not always happy, sometimes he is sad, frustrated, angry, even enraged, especially when someone he cares about is hurting. He makes decisions and plans with his loved ones in mind, and loves to look after their well-being.
Ned lives life thinking about how to get more, and make others give him more, and how he deserve way more respect than the people around him, especially his dumb wife and that guy Hank at work. Ned believes that Hank is dumb, and does things for others only for praise. He thinks that every time Hank does something kind he tells everyone about it, because that's what HE does. Ned is constantly annoyed by the way people want him to "listen" to them, or to act more "kindly" toward them. He wishes they would all just shut up and treat him like the High Royal he is, and do what he tells them to do. He is happy when he gets his way, and when he gets adulation. When he does not get his way, when he has to stop what he wants to do in order to pay attention to someone else for any reason, or when someone does not treat him like he is above them, he becomes annoyed, even enraged. Ned punishes people when they don't do what he wants them to do either directly or by sabotaging them in various ways.
The people around Hank are better for him being in their lives, but mostly don't realize it.
The people around Ned are worse for him being in their lives, and mostly don't realize it.
Only I Can Do That!
Narcissists hate it when one of their royal subjects says "Me too!" or or "I have had a similar experience" or "I can relate, I've been through that", or "I enjoy/don't enjoy that also" or "I am into that as well".
They only like it if someone they have put on a pedestal says those things.
They also hate it when someone does something well, or something that other people might pay attention to. Unless the Narcissist can somehow take credit for what the other person does, they would rather that person disappear.
(If you can remember elementary school, there was often a kid who would say things like "You can't be the pitcher! Only Mike can be the pitcher!" or "You can't draw as good as Stacy, only she draws good!" or "You can't be the team captain, only I get to be captain!")
The reason is because they create status hierarchies with other people; this one is "below" me, that one is "below" me, that one is "above" me. No one is equal to them, and can only be higher or lower than them in their minds. And therefore everyone else must abide by their hierarchy creation as well, or they are "wrong".
If they deem something as a "higher minded" thing, then anyone who is "lower" than them CAN'T know it or relate to it. For example, if they deem fine woodworking as a "higher minded" thing, than YOU CAN'T KNOW how to do it, because you are "lower". So if you SAY "I love fine woodworking, I have been doing it for a long time" they will become annoyed, even angry, even accuse you of making it up to "get attention". You could show them the furniture set you finished last week, and even if they make noises to your face like "ahh" or "Oh I see you really do practice fine woodworking" they will STILL diminish it, and promptly mentally delete the evidence that proves their assumption wrong. When the subject comes up again, they will act just the way they did before about it, as if there is NO REASON to believe you have ANY IDEA how to do fine woodworking.
Most emotionally healthy people LIKE it when they find common ground with another person, or when someone they know does something they admire. Narcissists DO NOT, because it makes them feel less special, less unique, less elite, less ABOVE. They don't want you singing on the stage with them, they don't want you to have the same talent as they do, they don't want you to already know something that they pride themselves on knowing, they don't want you to be able to do something that they do, they don't even want you to love the same play, movie, band, or hobby with the same intensity that they do. They don't want you to be able to do something that one of their HEROES does, especially.
THEIR passions are ALWAYS more intense than yours, their knowledge is always more extensive than yours, their family and friendship bonds are always deeper than yours, they are more worthy of LOVE and RESPECT than you are. You can NEVER be an "equal" in anything, unless they have decided that it would serve them. Once they have deemed you as "lower", that is where you will stay in their eyes, always.
(Taking them seriously with their hierarchy creations is something a lot of people fall for, until they realize what's going on.)
The narcissist's social hierarchy creations have NOTHING to do with real status and hierarchies, which are essential in certain groups such as families, businesses, and public service, for communication, learning, and functionality. These hierarchies are real, and have nothing to do with who is "liked" or "worthy" and who is not. In a real (and healthy) hierarchy, positions exist for actual reasons, not because of popularity. (Obviously Narcs infiltrate these groups and inject their own influence, corrupting the real functionality, but the reasons those hierarchies exist are legitimate and not about intrinsic personal "worthiness")
They only like it if someone they have put on a pedestal says those things.
They also hate it when someone does something well, or something that other people might pay attention to. Unless the Narcissist can somehow take credit for what the other person does, they would rather that person disappear.
(If you can remember elementary school, there was often a kid who would say things like "You can't be the pitcher! Only Mike can be the pitcher!" or "You can't draw as good as Stacy, only she draws good!" or "You can't be the team captain, only I get to be captain!")
The reason is because they create status hierarchies with other people; this one is "below" me, that one is "below" me, that one is "above" me. No one is equal to them, and can only be higher or lower than them in their minds. And therefore everyone else must abide by their hierarchy creation as well, or they are "wrong".
If they deem something as a "higher minded" thing, then anyone who is "lower" than them CAN'T know it or relate to it. For example, if they deem fine woodworking as a "higher minded" thing, than YOU CAN'T KNOW how to do it, because you are "lower". So if you SAY "I love fine woodworking, I have been doing it for a long time" they will become annoyed, even angry, even accuse you of making it up to "get attention". You could show them the furniture set you finished last week, and even if they make noises to your face like "ahh" or "Oh I see you really do practice fine woodworking" they will STILL diminish it, and promptly mentally delete the evidence that proves their assumption wrong. When the subject comes up again, they will act just the way they did before about it, as if there is NO REASON to believe you have ANY IDEA how to do fine woodworking.
Most emotionally healthy people LIKE it when they find common ground with another person, or when someone they know does something they admire. Narcissists DO NOT, because it makes them feel less special, less unique, less elite, less ABOVE. They don't want you singing on the stage with them, they don't want you to have the same talent as they do, they don't want you to already know something that they pride themselves on knowing, they don't want you to be able to do something that they do, they don't even want you to love the same play, movie, band, or hobby with the same intensity that they do. They don't want you to be able to do something that one of their HEROES does, especially.
THEIR passions are ALWAYS more intense than yours, their knowledge is always more extensive than yours, their family and friendship bonds are always deeper than yours, they are more worthy of LOVE and RESPECT than you are. You can NEVER be an "equal" in anything, unless they have decided that it would serve them. Once they have deemed you as "lower", that is where you will stay in their eyes, always.
(Taking them seriously with their hierarchy creations is something a lot of people fall for, until they realize what's going on.)
The narcissist's social hierarchy creations have NOTHING to do with real status and hierarchies, which are essential in certain groups such as families, businesses, and public service, for communication, learning, and functionality. These hierarchies are real, and have nothing to do with who is "liked" or "worthy" and who is not. In a real (and healthy) hierarchy, positions exist for actual reasons, not because of popularity. (Obviously Narcs infiltrate these groups and inject their own influence, corrupting the real functionality, but the reasons those hierarchies exist are legitimate and not about intrinsic personal "worthiness")
Essential Awareness
In order to overcome or avoid an obstacle, you have to know it's there to begin with. Birds fly into window glass all the time because they don't see it. Our cars break down because we didn't notice an issue when it first started. We trip over things, slip on ice, and bump into things and people, and drive in potholes because we did not see them.
Awareness of the social dynamics around us is just as essential as awareness of physical objects in avoiding pitfalls. If we do not know the salesman at the door is really a thief, we may give him all kinds of clues so he knows when to come and rob us. We may even let him in the house, if he makes us feel comfortable with him. We probably won't even remember the interaction when we file the report after our home has been robbed.
Daily social interaction with those we already know is the same way. Our human confidence in our own ability to judge people often leads to serious mistakes that can cause us severe consequences, and consequences for our loved ones as well.
It is far too often that we trust a jackal over a lamb, just because the jackal hit all the right buttons on our "trust" meter, and the lamb did not even try to "make us" trust her, because she is not manipulative.
Our egos will jump to defense when our judgment is challenged, and this makes us defend the jackal, even when we have become aware of the manipulation. We aren't really defending the jackal; we are defending our selves. We do not want to be seen as someone who made a bad judgment, or a huge mistake.
Awareness is tough for most people, because our subconscious tries very hard to guide us to learning only what feels comfortable. We don't really want to know that a person we are attached to is really a liar, or a person who makes us feel good is really abusive to their family. We don't want to know that the repairman we trust is really a con, or that the person we have followed in spirituality is really just a regular person with all kinds of human "flaws".
But if we do not work on our awareness, we continue to live in a world made up of other people's manipulations and fantasies.
Awareness of the social dynamics around us is just as essential as awareness of physical objects in avoiding pitfalls. If we do not know the salesman at the door is really a thief, we may give him all kinds of clues so he knows when to come and rob us. We may even let him in the house, if he makes us feel comfortable with him. We probably won't even remember the interaction when we file the report after our home has been robbed.
Daily social interaction with those we already know is the same way. Our human confidence in our own ability to judge people often leads to serious mistakes that can cause us severe consequences, and consequences for our loved ones as well.
It is far too often that we trust a jackal over a lamb, just because the jackal hit all the right buttons on our "trust" meter, and the lamb did not even try to "make us" trust her, because she is not manipulative.
Our egos will jump to defense when our judgment is challenged, and this makes us defend the jackal, even when we have become aware of the manipulation. We aren't really defending the jackal; we are defending our selves. We do not want to be seen as someone who made a bad judgment, or a huge mistake.
Awareness is tough for most people, because our subconscious tries very hard to guide us to learning only what feels comfortable. We don't really want to know that a person we are attached to is really a liar, or a person who makes us feel good is really abusive to their family. We don't want to know that the repairman we trust is really a con, or that the person we have followed in spirituality is really just a regular person with all kinds of human "flaws".
But if we do not work on our awareness, we continue to live in a world made up of other people's manipulations and fantasies.
Competition And Narcissism
A common trait of Narcissism is competitiveness. When a narcissist sees someone doing something that might get attention or the least bit of recognition, they are triggered to envy and competitiveness. And if the person who is doing this thing is deemed "lower" than the narc. in his/her head, the narc. will often do or say something to criticize or invalidate, or dismiss, abandon, or try to get other people to reject the person. Competition is the world they live in. If you have not been put on a pedestal by the Narc. as a "recognized Leader", then you are competition to them. They do not DO 'support' or 'recognition' or 'promotion', unless it directly serves them somehow.
Rage Against Rage Against Feminism
Once again, I sit in amazement as I read comment after comment, post after post, and rant after rant by seemingly intelligent people who apparently have a severe addiction to adrenaline and hatred.
I have never seen such incredible examples of clique behavior in humans than when the subject of feminism is broached in the slightest way.
As if they are covered in third degree burns and getting pelted with shrapnel, the extreme emotional reactivity from all sides regarding this subject is astounding. Such a low level of rational thought combined with a ridiculous volatility makes a real case for primal threat reaction, such as when a group of animals panic when a predator is near.
Why do so many people react with extreme hostility, which is never to be confused with rational thought, every time the subject is mentioned in any way? Why do so many people have absolutely ZERO interest in learning about real life experiences, observations, or point of view, but yet have HIGHLY emotional reactions toward a subject they refuse to talk about or study in earnest?
Why is there SO LITTLE objectivity, or even relatively calm or respectful discussion, regarding female humans in reality?
Welcome to Primate World, my little monkeys. If you feel the adrenaline squirt every time a subject comes up, or you feel like you're on a "side" or a "team", sorry, but it's not the "intellect" part of your big Great Ape brain that you're using. Objectivity is out the window, far, far away..
For my more evolved Humanoid friends who want to test their reactivity (who haven't already done so), see how long you can listen to, or read, an account of an experience from a person whom you feel is on the "other" team. See how well you can separate them from yourself, and see how fully you can put yourself INSIDE of their shoes, inside of their hearts, inside of their heads. See how long you can listen (or read) with pure observation, with NONE of your own opinion or judgment clouding your head. Believe it or not, there are actual human beings who do this easily on a regular basis, and they are mere mortals. If they can do it, it can be done by any human with reasonable intelligence if effort is applied. .
I have never seen such incredible examples of clique behavior in humans than when the subject of feminism is broached in the slightest way.
As if they are covered in third degree burns and getting pelted with shrapnel, the extreme emotional reactivity from all sides regarding this subject is astounding. Such a low level of rational thought combined with a ridiculous volatility makes a real case for primal threat reaction, such as when a group of animals panic when a predator is near.
Why do so many people react with extreme hostility, which is never to be confused with rational thought, every time the subject is mentioned in any way? Why do so many people have absolutely ZERO interest in learning about real life experiences, observations, or point of view, but yet have HIGHLY emotional reactions toward a subject they refuse to talk about or study in earnest?
Why is there SO LITTLE objectivity, or even relatively calm or respectful discussion, regarding female humans in reality?
Welcome to Primate World, my little monkeys. If you feel the adrenaline squirt every time a subject comes up, or you feel like you're on a "side" or a "team", sorry, but it's not the "intellect" part of your big Great Ape brain that you're using. Objectivity is out the window, far, far away..
For my more evolved Humanoid friends who want to test their reactivity (who haven't already done so), see how long you can listen to, or read, an account of an experience from a person whom you feel is on the "other" team. See how well you can separate them from yourself, and see how fully you can put yourself INSIDE of their shoes, inside of their hearts, inside of their heads. See how long you can listen (or read) with pure observation, with NONE of your own opinion or judgment clouding your head. Believe it or not, there are actual human beings who do this easily on a regular basis, and they are mere mortals. If they can do it, it can be done by any human with reasonable intelligence if effort is applied. .
Asperger's "Disorder" ?
If people with Aspergers/autism get along fine
with other people who have autism, and don't bully or make fun of
either autistic people OR non-autistic people, then, where is the social
disorder, really? Wouldn't the disorder be found in the people who have
a hard time accepting others, and dealing with their differences...?
Pretty sure the whole "social awkardness" thing is quite backwards. If
Henry has Asperger's, and he is polite, courteous and accepting toward
everyone, then how does he have a disorder? Frank, on the other hand,
does not have any autism, and makes fun of Henry and avoids him, even
gossips about him to other people. Pretty sure it's FRANK who has the
disorder, not Henry...
Feel My Power
It is good to prove our own strength and ability to ourselves, and let it build our confidence. Comparing ourselves to others and trying to prove we are superior is not the same thing, and is not required to build confidence. It can have the effect of becoming a negative habit, where we become satisfied with ourselves as long as we can find someone to dominate. Eventually we stop looking for our own growth and seek out flaws in others, or even create them if we can't find any.
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