Drama Queens And Kings

The person who has issues of abandonment, attachment, and sometimes paranoia may READ INTO the actions and interactions of those around them, but not be able to observe themselves, or remember past events or actions of others.
So for example, if Mary, who has abandonment and paranoia issues, sees her husband happily talking to a new neighbor who happens to be female, Mary may become incensed with jealousy. Mary then believes her jealous feelings represent actual reality. She does not cross-reference her husband's actual behavior patterns, or his history of being a great friend and loving partner. She simply DELETES and IGNORES the history of their relationship, and of her husband's behavior, because she is feeling this intense jealousy.
Mary also immediately dislikes this new woman, because she feels jealous of her. Mary does not take even a moment to find out what this woman is like, who she is, or what her basic situation is. This woman could be homosexual for all Mary knows, but she has already decided she doesn't like her and that she's a "threat", based SOLELY on her emotional reaction of jealousy.
Mary doesn't even know if her husband actually finds this woman attractive, he might just find her interesting in the same way he would if she were a little old man. He might just be behaving politely, he might not even like her. But Mary does not try to FIND OUT, she just assumes all kinds of things, and then completely INVESTS herself in these assumptions.

So now, because of Mary's own emotional issues and refusal to find out real information from either her husband or the new woman, she creates a dramatic and tense situation. Instead of welcoming a new neighbor and possibly making a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance, she blows up the issue to huge proportions, and injects her own negativity, causing everyone to feel uncomfortable and oppressed. She makes noises and gives body language signals that she is unhappy and annoyed. She refuses to make eye contact with the woman, shakes her hand briefly and briskly in a snotty manner, and then speaks directly and loudly to her husband, on purpose, making a show of ignoring the woman's presence. Mary's behavior is like a jealous child, and she is making herself look like an unstable person, and revealing that she is a bully. 

On the OTHER SIDE of this coin: Mary, this time who does NOT have paranoia issues, sees her husband talking to the new neighbor, who happens to be a female. Mary happily walks over, eager to meet this new person in their neighborhood. She notices that her husband seems to find this woman interesting, so she is even more interested in finding out about the woman, maybe they will become friends.
HOWEVER, when Mary reaches out to shake the woman's hand, the woman takes it briefly and drops it, barely glancing at her. The woman keeps talking animatedly to Mary's husband, who seems oblivious to the rude behavior toward Mary. It is then that Mary starts observing, and realizes that the woman might be considered physically attractive to some people, and her husband might be attracted to her. She tries to introduce herself again, politely, giving the woman another chance, but is obviously rebuffed. The woman avoids eye contact with Mary altogether, and keeps on talking to her husband as if there is no one else standing there. Mary's husband does nothing to change or stop it. The new neighbor has revealed herself to be a bully, and Mary finds herself worried that her husband doesn't even seem to notice or care, which is yet another red flag.

In this scenario, the person who is creating DRAMA and problems is the new neighbor woman, and Mary's husband is co-creating the DRAMA right along with her.

The person or people who behave rudely, inconsiderately, and arrogantly are the ones who create DRAMA. Those who feel upset by this behavior, and who want to TALK ABOUT whatever happened, are NOT the drama creators. They are the ones who are interested in PEACE and LESS drama.

Be careful who gets called a "Drama Queen", it's usually the other way around. Name-calling is very popular with Drama Creators.

Followers And Gossip, The Narcissist Smear Campaign

People follow along with gossips when they campaign against a target because humans tend to follow others. It takes a conscious and self-aware human being to NOT follow the lead of others, to stop and question, and look around, regarding pretty much anything.

When others around us watch a tv show, we tend to want to see what it is, and will often watch it too. When everyone goes to the fireworks..., it's what "everyone does", so everyone does it. When a lot of people we know like a particular song or band, we tend to go along with them, even if we didn't notice the band or like them at first.

If you want to see this in action right now, just watch the activity at popular restaurants, and compare that to the activity at less popular restaurants. Even if the wait is an hour or more, people will flock to the "popular" or "famous" restaurant, and they will do this at the BUSIEST time. They won't go to the less popular one where there is no wait, right down the street. They won't even change the time they go to the popular restaurant, and go at a much less busy time. They will go, and stay, where the CROWD is, because that's what everyone says is GOOD. If no one was in line at the famous pizza restaurant or burger joint, most people would just keep walking, they wouldn't even try the food there. "That place looks like a hole" they would say, and keep going. But put a waiting crowd in front of that same little "hole" of a burger or pizza joint, and that will get their attention.

If a lot of people seem to like a particular person, whether they're a local person we can meet, or someone who is distant that we haven't met, we tend to assume that there's a valid REASON they are popular, and we tend to want to be included in that group. We can actually make a person MORE ATTRACTIVE to ourselves just by believing that they are more attractive (or wiser, or stronger) just because we are following the crowd. If we met this person on the street, all by themselves, we might not even like them. But because we see all these other people treating them like they are "likeable", "wise", "beautiful", "talented", or "funny", we go right along with them.

If a person seems unpopular because others don't seem to treat them well, or others aren't following them, or others are ignoring or criticizing them, we tend to follow THAT, TOO. If no one seems to like Albert, then the only people who will be listening to and sitting with Albert are people who don't follow the crowd, who listen and get to know people for themselves. Who think for themselves.
When Albert became famous for his brilliant physics theory, it was because a rare, intelligent person who doesn't follow the crowd was listening to him.
After Albert became famous, suddenly all these people who didn't take him seriously at all, who wouldn't even sit with him at lunch because he wasn't "anybody important", all wanted to be included and associated with him. Those crowd-followers would not have helped him up if he had fallen down right in front of them before, but now that he looks popular, they all line up to pretend they were his friend all along.

And so it goes with gossips. Anyone who seems "popular" to crowd followers will be listened to and believed, and anyone who seems "unpopular" will be ignored and disrespected by crowd-followers. The gossip who is followed by crowd followers can easily spread the most ridiculous and vicious lies and rumors, because people who are followers will just eat it up with a spoon, and spread it around some more.
Crowd-followers don't STOP and say "Hey, that's not a nice thing to say, why are you trying to spread negative things about that person? And how do you know if it's even true?"
Also, the minute the target of this gossip is seen as "unpopular", even if it's BECAUSE of those rumors, crowd-followers will abandon that person. They will scatter like passengers jumping off a sinking ship, or more like FLEAS off of a dog in a bathtub. It is NOT RELEVANT to crowd-followers who did what, what the facts are, who is actually the person who did wrong or right, they DON"T CARE ABOUT FACTS OR REALITY. ALL they care about is who is POPULAR. That's who they will follow and believe.

This is a GROUP SOCIAL BEHAVIOR tendency, most group animals will follow whoever happens to appear to be the leader at the time. That's where the reference to LEMMINGS comes from, lemmings (small rodents, like mice), will follow the crowd literally right off a cliff. They are ALL FOLLOWING EACH OTHER, no one is actually LEADING, everyone assumes that someone ELSE is watching out for the cliff. This is unfortunately very similar to human group behavior, which is why there have been so many huge atrocities led by the psychotic throughout human history.

The behavior is the same whether it's in government, politics, in business, in religion, against religion, in academia, or in the community or home. Crowd followers follow the crowd, period, regardless of any facts or reality. And even many who THINK they are NOT crowd followers simply pick a DIFFERENT CROWD to follow. It's difficult for group animals to think for themselves. Humans have the capacity to think for themselves, but it's much easier and much less intellectual work, and much more social, superficial reward, to just go along with the crowd.

Self Observation And Triggers

Because narcissists build themselves up from external things rather than internal things, they are constantly comparing themselves to others, and constantly TRYING to find reasons to put others down (so they can feel "above'), or trying to fit in with those who they see as "elite", which can be as simple as gender or race. Their exaggerated, dramatic reactions and judgments toward others are their way of making themselves feel important and justified. When it's someone we care for very much, it can be heart wrenching to watch them go through this, even when we are the target of their extreme put-downs. The irony is we know why they're doing it because we have the ability to empathize. They don't, which is why they're doing it. They can't watch themselves treating us with such incredible disrespect, they don't have that ability; in their minds, they are simply reacting naturally, the way anyone else would, to our words and actions. And since they can't see past their own triggers and reactions, they also can't see anything real about us, their target. They might be reacting so dramatically to something as small as a facial expression that their mother, or perhaps stepmother, used to do, or a familiar intonation that sounds like their father. But since they lack the ability to self-observe and self-reflect, they are not going to make the connection.
To use a very basic animal analogy, most people know that many dogs can't stand mail carriers or delivery people. What's up with that? To the dog, there is a human who is coming toward the house, and this human is carrying something, and wearing a certain matching outfit, every time. Some of these humans wear the outfit AND a hat... And they are DOING something on purpose, not just walking by, they have a certain stance about them. (Who knows, maybe they give off a certain pheromone because they're working that dogs can smell.) All of these factors stick in the dog's mind, the dog has learned that humans wearing certain kinds of clothing, especially if they're driving a truck, are the ones who keep COMING to the HOME, and invading the territory. These humans are not "friends", because they are not invited in and given drink and food, and warmly greeted. So they aren't welcome... like friends... but they come anyway... brazenly... regardless of the warning barks....
So the uniformed delivery human becomes a trigger for the dog. The dog just has to see them, or hear the truck, and the dog is off her or his rocker, as if this person is charging toward the house with a bayonet.
The dog does not THINK, the dog does not see that it's just a person, and it could be a very nice and kind person, who loves dogs, who is not a threat at all, who has 2 dogs at home, and children, and a spouse who also is kind and loves dogs. The dog doesn't ponder or wonder about the person, or the person's INTENT, or the person's LIFE, or PERSONALITY. The dog just sees the uniform and is instantaneously compelled to bark like a canine banshee, for no real, logical reason. Just the trigger.

This is how humans are triggered also. The brunette woman in the hall reminds Susan of the brunette girl in high school who picked on her~ her subconscious reacts with a twinge of something like avoidance and resentment, even though she's never met the woman in her life. In the office, every time Susan laughs, Mary hears her Aunt's laugh, who she loved very dearly, and she projects that onto Susan. When Mary smiles broadly, showing a lovely set of straight teeth, Andy is triggered to think of his stepmother who smiled like that, but was not kind to him. So Andy projects that onto Mary, doesn't "like" her, which is unfortunate, because Mary is actually the kindest and funniest person in the whole office. Andy is not aware that his skewed assessment of Mary is based on his association with his stepmother.

Sentient Humans?

In order to understand others, one must be able to empathize. In order to empathize, one must learn to understand others. Believing we know all about a person from some superficial external things is a human immaturity that most of us go through in childhood, and many of us don't completely outgrow. But those who have grown to a certain level of maturity, and are able to learn and grasp new information, are aware that they are not fully mature, completely wise, and a fully enlightened, omniscient being, and so can keep maturing and growing. When we ACCEPT that we are humans, and that humans have certain tendencies like making sweeping judgments with little or no information, making huge assumptions, believing our own ego b.s., and trying to dominate other humans just because we share chimpanzee DNA, we can learn how to grow out of these tendencies. Those who can't accept their own creature feature issues are funny, they'll do things like project these issues onto others and deny having them themselves; they'll have magnified domination tendencies BECAUSE of their denial, or they'll try to JUSTIFY their behavior with the excuse of "genetics"; "I can't help the way I was made". Unfortunately for them, using the excuse of "I can't help it" is forfeiting sentience. The definition of Sentience is self-awareness. With self-awareness comes awareness of others. With self-awareness comes self-observation, and the ability to control one's behavior. Creatures who are not self-aware can not control their own behavior beyond their emotional and hormonal reactions, and we don't give them "rights" because of this very reason. A person who can't "help" their own behavior apparently is not a Sentient being, and may not be safe to roam around in society without direct supervision.

You're Not "Up" At Bat 24/7

The person who counters habitually are like baseball players who always put themselves in the batter's box. Any ball thrown at them they will hit. They consider it a victory when they get a hit. They might even be TRYING to hit the person who "threw" it, like that's part of the game. They will NOT put that bat down and pick up a glove, and CATCH the ball, unless it's the coach throwing it, or one of their "heroes". So, they NEVER EVER know what any of the balls actually LOOKS LIKE. They assume all the balls thrown at them are the same, and not worth looking at; they're just baseballs. The only ball they will CATCH, and therefore LOOK AT, are those thrown by anyone they consider "superior". Most of the other players get sick of their obsession with being in the batter's box and hitting any ball they throw. This person refuses to actually PLAY BASEBALL, they want to just do what THEY want to do.

They aren't playing  Baseball if they refuse to catch a ball unless the coach or one of their heroes throws it.

To get past this habit of countering, one must consciously learn to catch, and stop hitting and blocking. Actually listening when someone expresses their point of view is like catching the ball, and looking at it. Examine it, ask questions about it, don't just assume all is KNOWN about this baseball. LOOK AT IT. ASK ABOUT IT. TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. What is it made of, where did it come from, why did the person choose this particular baseball? What does this brand use for stitching? For fill? What's that gouge from? What does the person who threw it know about this ball, what is their personal experience?

Obviously the ball represents the other person's point of view, observation, or expression. Hitting the ball when it is thrown represents arguing, countering, and opposing when the other person speaks or writes, or expresses something. Catching the ball represents taking the time and the small effort to actually hear what they are saying, read what they wrote, contemplate what they expressed, and not react to it with an automatic "counter attack". Then, after really comprehending what the person said, after really looking at and feeling the ball, it's thrown back to the person. The actual game of Baseball, and real communication, begins when the ball is tossed back, gracefully, so the other person can catch it. Throwing the ball back to the person represents respectful reciprocal communication, when the point of view or expression is reflected back to them, showing that the other consciously understands what they were saying. This is called "feedback", and respectful, courteous, drama free feedback is essential to any kind of relationship IF it's healthy. "Feedback" is not criticism, it's not countering, it's not opposition. It's hearing, seeing, trying to understand, and telling it back to the person. "I think what you are saying is such and such. I see what you mean. Am I correct in interpreting what you're saying? Can you explain more?"

When we play Ball, we play catch, it's how we learn to catch and throw. When we build friendships and partnerships, we play catch with our points of view, it's how we learn to communicate effectively, share ideas, help one another, and have a good time. If I am picking up a bat every time my friend picks up a ball, BECAUSE they pick up a ball, I am going to drive them nuts in a very small amount of time, and they're going to get sick of it pretty quickly. They aren't going to be impressed by my batting skills, they aren't going to think I'm tough or smart, they're just going to get bored and feel lonely because I'm refusing to be a good sport and actually play WITH them. I'm obviously only interested in hogging the batter's box, and playing AGAINST them. Boring, tedious, and frustrating; it shows I have little respect for them and no interest in real companionship.

We are just acting ignorant and arrogant when we always assume that the details we don't know are not worth finding out about. When we just debate everything another person says, and assume we already know what they're thinking, feeling, and doing, we insert drama where it doesn't need to be. Information and detail seeking, without emotional insertion and domination, is only for the strong and intelligent. The arrogant and weak can't do it.  (If you think you already know everything, you aren't going to try to find out more...) Those who don't have these issues make much better friends, and much better baseball players. It's pretty boring and aggravating to go to the field with someone who only wants to hit every ball you throw, and won't pick up a glove and play catch.

What Is Normal? People Who Chew With Their Mouths Open

Because of the heavy use of shame and fear they witnessed or experienced in their childhoods, many people will see that in others where it doesn't exist. 
If, for example, the "silent treatment" was often used in their family, either against them or against someone else, they can believe its something that EVERYONE does. If other families around them did it too, their belief that it's "just what everyone does" can be reinforced tremendously. So if you don't get back to them because you were busy or could not for some reason, they can assume you were giving them the silent treatment, even if you've never done that once in your life. They won't think to ask you if that's what you were doing, they will assume you were, and believe the assumption, and then probably be angry with you about it. 

This lack of communication goes hand in hand with heavy shame and fear environments. Everything is tinged with emotional reaction, everything everyone does is under scrutiny and suspect, everyone wants the actions of others to be something "bad". They can even get a feeling of power when they suspect someone is doing something "bad", because it makes them feel like one of the "good people", and in heavy shame and fear environments, being one of the "good people" is very important, because it takes one out of the line of fire (shame and fear) for the time being.
 
No one in the group realizes how dramatic it all is because they don't know what it's like to live without heavy drama and control.

Whatever we grew up with, we all think "everyone does that" or "everyone is like that", until we FIND OUT differently. Those who have never lived or worked outside of the region where they grew up are more susceptible to this belief habit, for obvious reasons. If they grew up around ancestry and family, even more so. If everyone chews their food with their mouths hanging open in the area, those who grew up around that will think it's perfectly "normal" and not bad manners. The couple of people in the area who chew with their mouths closed are the ones who will be called "weird" by everyone else, and will not be taken seriously. And so it is with everything else.

Whatever we grew up with in the family or the region, we think is "normal", and is how "everyone is", UNTIL we find out differently, so we don't question it. We often even defend it~ "What do you mean chewing with your mouth open is bad manners?! That's a pompous thing to say, we ALL do that! Who chews with their mouths closed, the Royal Family?"

Or, "Who communicates like that? I shouldn't have to find out what my wife means when she talks, she should say it right the first time!"

Whatever communication skills or life skills we are taught when we grow up, that's all we have. If we aren't open to learning more skills, better ways of relating and communicating, and be open to new information and other points of view, we will just be the same as we were in childhood till the day we die, unfortunately.

Those who close their lives and their minds up around themselves like a box, and defend it as "the way it is", can not grow anymore, like a plant stuck inside a closed terrarium. They stunt themselves in order to protect themselves from having to learn anything new. Those who open the box can keep growing and learning with a limitless potential, they have no ceiling.

Why People Fear Bullies

The real reason most people put up with bullies and domination behavior is because they fear retaliation AFTER they stand up to the person. This is something children learn as they get older. Smaller children don't fear retaliation, so they stand up to other kids, and make noise when they need or want something. As children get older, they discover that when they stand up to a bully, there can be ...consequences to pay later. Either the bully will do something to "get them back", or the bully will get others to gang up on the child and HELP "get them back", or the child will be punished for standing up for him or herself by biased or ignorant adults. Bullies get away with their behavior while they're growing up because they aren't getting punished by the adults around them, obviously. If they aren't getting punished for the initial behavior, they aren't getting punished for the retaliation behavior either. So they keep doing it and doing it, further and further. To protect themselves from the retaliation behavior, people learn to turn away from bullies and let them get away with their crap, rather than stand up to them and risk the retaliation behavior, which is usually much more ridiculous than the initial bullying behavior. Bullies seem to believe they have the "right" to treat others with silly disrespect, and when no one calls them out on it, and everyone just cowtows to them because they fear retaliation from the bully or others around them, they confirm it in their heads that they do indeed possess this right, because they are (for some unknown reason) "better".

Bet Your Bippy

I would bet an honorary Doctorate degree that if six pro. actors, all of whom were previously evaluated psychologically and found to be completely stable, and all of whom were physically different in appearance: height, weight, hair, race, and sex, were admitted into 99.9% of psychiatric hospitals with the same back story changed only to accommodate gender would each be given a different diagnostic assessment, even on the same unit.

I would bet another one that no one will take me up on this bet, and yet another that someone will steal this idea.

Comfort Junkies

Most narcissistic people are really just "Comfort Junkies". They don't want to have to think, or to do something different, or to do something they don't LIKE or MIGHT not like. Talking about a certain thing is uncomfortable, admitting they did something wrong is uncomfortable, changing their schedule or their plans to accommodate or please someone else is uncomfortable. Standing up for someone else is uncomfortable, even standing up for themselves might be uncomfortable. Admitting they don't know something is uncomfortable. Helping someone in distress, empathizing, or helping someone in need is uncomfortable. Giving of themselves or their resources is uncomfortable, risking the "wrath" of someone they're used to catering to is uncomfortable. Trying harder to accomplish a certain goal is uncomfortable. Treating another better would be change and thinking, both of which are uncomfortable. Listening and understanding someone else's point of view instead of talking and arguing is uncomfortable. Trying to let go of an addiction is uncomfortable. So they're not going to do any of those things without kicking and screaming. Their tantrums are more like Linus's meltdowns when someone takes his blanket away. If they would just let him keep his blanket he'd be fine~ the problem is, Linus will never put his blanket down for anything or anyone, no how, no way. So, the blanket (the comfort, whatever that entails to the person) will always win, and any real person will always be put behind the blanket on Linus' priority list.

Positive vs. Negative Language

Great post~

http://work911.com/articles/poslan.htm

Credit Where It Isn't Due

Getting people to do things for them and then taking the credit as if they were the ones who did the work is a common way many people build false confidence. If Mary and John are executives with a very capable secretary/assistant, Mary and John are not actually doing the bulk of the work that causes the stress and anxiety. Their assistant is the one who is making appointments, changing schedules, keeping proper files, keeping things up to date, in order, and easily accessible, remembering things about other people, remembering appointments, etc, etc. Either the assistant or a person who is employed for accounting keeps track of the financial records and accounts receivable and payable.

Someone else is doing the cleaning, someone else is doing the computer maintenance, someone else is doing the bulk of the correspondence. Not Mary or John. If Mary and John did these things themselves, they probably would not be able to handle the actual management job, they would be overwhelmed, drowning in the anxiety of keeping up, organizing, and especially dealing with people directly all day long. Just changing schedules and appointments around and dealing with other people's issues and egos is very draining. They don't have to do all of that tedious and stressful stuff, someone else is doing it for them.

But who is getting, or taking, the credit for doing all of these things, and keeping things running smoothly so Mary and John can do their jobs?

If Mary and John are not narcissists, they give the credit where it's due, and don't take credit for things they did not actually DO. But if they are narcissistic, they will see all these people as "below" them, and less capable than themselves, doing menial tasks that they could do in their sleep if they felt like it, OR they will see those people as OTHER "KINDS" of people who were "born" to do those jobs, and themselves as "born" to be an executive. Narcissists are often missing a cognitive function that relates to cause and effect. They see the secretary as the "kind of person" who is born to be a secretary, and could never be an executive, or anything else for that matter. They see themselves as the top of the heap, and everyone who is performing tasks that they consider "below" them as lower "kinds" of people who are SUPPOSED to be doing those jobs FOR THEM. They take the credit for these jobs getting done as if those people are extensions of themselves, not capable, intelligent, individual human beings who happen to be performing that particular task, and doing it well.

This dynamic can be seen in all kinds of situations, it's definitely not exclusive to big business. It can be seen in any dynamic at all. It does not have to be the owner or manager who is doing this, either, it can be anyone, a coworker, a friend, a family member, a small business owner, a landlord, a neighbor, a doctor, a carpenter, a teacher, a janitor, a lawyer, a secretary, anyone at all can have this behavior and perception. It's not the job that creates narcissistic traits and behaviors (although some jobs can encourage it), it's the person's own perception.

The contractor who takes credit for all his or her subcontractors and employees work, as if he/she was the one performing all of the tasks.
The doctor who takes credit for the nurses' and the staff's work.
The spouse who see the other spouse as nothing more than a support person for his or her own "greatness" in the world, not as a "great" person in their own right and light.
The parent who sees their children as nothing more than reflections of themselves, so they will take credit for their achievements, and berate or cover up their mistakes (which this parent will see as "failure". This parent will also see anything their children do that they don't like, agree with, or understand, as "failure".)
The homeowner who takes credit for any of the work that they hired someone else to do, as if they were the ones who performed the work. "I put a new deck on my house", "I put in new cabinets", "I rewired the house", "I painted the living room" instead of "I had a new deck put on my house" or "I had new cabinets put in" or "I had the house rewired" or "I had the living room painted".
Language is subtle and powerful, and narcissists use it to paint themselves as much more capable than they really are. If a person uses language like this, it doesn't necessarily mean they ARE a "narcissist", they may have picked it up from those around them who speak this way. However, if they squirm and show anxiety or anger when asked a direct question like "How long did it take you to paint it?" that's an indication that they probably are actually a "Narcissist". The non-narcissist answer to that question would be something like "Oh I didn't paint it, I meant I hired someone to do it. It was Maggie Nelson, I have her card, she and her partner Natalie did a great job."

Misery Loves Company

Something a lot of people don't like to talk about~ being Misery-Minded.

Many have the concept backwards; they will call a person who self-reflects and self-examines, who looks analytically at human behavior, and past and present situations and interactions, and talks about it out loud, as "dwelling in negativity".

Actually, a person who wants to prevent future problems is the one who is looking, analyzing, and talking about the past and the present. The person who desires improvement is the one who is finding out what patterns there are in themselves and others, clarifying what really went on in the past (what was really done or said, not what the rumors have been), and looking objectively at what's going on in the present, with themselves and those around them.

Those who are actually Misery-Minded don't LIKE to talk about things objectively. They may actually be using their "misery" to feel grounded, and to feel like they belong. Misery is the easiest thing to use to connect with other people, everyone pays attention if a person is complaining about their job, their health, their money, their kids, their spouse, their parents, their other friends, their pets, their car, etc, and when people are paying attention to us, they aren't rejecting us.

Misery is also a way to get attention without coming across as bragging, and most people will suddenly start treating a person who is talking about their "misery" with respect, even if they did not before.

Those who are Misery Minded DO like to complain, but DON'T want any solutions to their problems. They will have an excuse why any suggestion is not going to work before they have tried it. They don't want to talk about the issue, analyze it, figure out how it started or to find a solution, they just want to complain.

Those who are not Misery Minded may talk quite a lot about problems because they are seeking actual solutions. They are interested in analysis, in finding out what's going on, where the origins of a problem started; they want to know who they can trust to be an ally, and they want to find solutions.

Those who are NOT Misery Minded are like a person who takes an engine apart to see why it's sputtering.
Those who ARE Misery Minded will complain terribly about the sputtering, but will shake a finger at anyone who wants to look under the hood and see what's wrong.

Light and Love

My friend Premlatha Rajkumar is a wise and beautiful soul who writes from a very deep well of strength, vision, and discipline. I am sure you will enjoy her posts as much as I do, and find the grace and healing that she conveys.

http://beawakeandalert.blogspot.com/2013/05/sowing-good-seeds-in-soil-of-our.html?showComment=1370231002397#c4867760523938752450

Brain Parts

If one is trying to understand the written word or an observation with the part of the brain that processes emotions, there's a much lower likelihood that they will be able to comprehend what they're reading or seeing. If you don't like, are jealous of, or fear women, for example, you're not going to be able to understand what a woman is saying. If you don't like another race, you aren't going to hear what someone of that race is saying. Etc, etc. If you're afraid of dolphins, you're not going to be able to interpret their behavior or observe them objectively.

Nearing Completion!

Almost finished with my book! WOOHOO!

I think I'll call it "I Really Don't Care What You Think About This Book If You're A Narcissistic, Bullying, Dweebish, Entitled, Punk Ass Dork~ Why Do You Care About It At All? Go Do Something Useful"

I think it will be a huge hit!   :D

Chutzpah

It's not the weak, or the less powerful, or the less intelligent who listen respectfully and with interest while others speak; it's the strong, polite, and graceful.
It's not the strong or the more experienced who monopolize the discussion, argue, talk over others, or get bored when others are speaking; it's the immature.

Flirtation, Sexual Competition

The more dependent on others for survival a person is, the more they are likely to flirt with the opposite sex and compete with  members of their own sex.

The reason for this approval-seeking is because they are relying on the approval of the opposite sex to affirm their worthiness as a person, and to gain acceptance as members of the larger group. They instinctively know that the more people there are who accept them, (for whatever reason), the more likely they are to get help when they need it, and companionship (or sex) when they want it. They are less likely to be alone, which socially needy people have a very hard time with and fear, even if it's only temporary.

As long as they are getting the approval and attention of the opposite sex, needy people will compete sometimes viciously with members of their own sex for that approval and attention. They fear that they will be replaced; discarded for another. It's not really about mating, it's more about the larger social group.

Compulsions, Addictions, Symptoms Of An Unhealthy Environment

We tend to think of Narcissist abuse as between two people in a relationship, but it's not just that. The same patterns can be seen in elsewhere in many places, in corrupted groups, governments, businesses, organizations, and institutions. Where there are narcissists, there is manipulation and abuse, either toward it's own members, (within), or toward targeted others (customers, citizens, etc), or BOTH. It can be on a small scale or a large scale, the patterns are the same.

Take a look at people with addictions and compulsions. Most people develop addictions or compulsions as a way to escape or "deal with" a bad situation or a person. Birds pull their feathers out when they're anxious and caged, it's the only thing they can do when they're overwhelmed and feel trapped; it's a compulsion. They have to do SOMETHING.

Humans do that too, literally; they might pull their eyelashes or eyebrows out, they might scratch at their skin till it bleeds, they might cut themselves. They might smoke cigarettes, drink too much coffee, or self-sabotage at their job. They might drive too fast, or start fights, or drink alcohol, or take drugs, and/or over-spend money (self-harm via sabotaging one's own financial well-being).

They don't live in a bubble when they do these behaviors, and neither does the bird who pulls its feathers out. Why is the bird so anxious that it would self-harm that way? There's a reason. Birds who live in their natural environment (FREE) hardly ever do that. They feel mentally and emotionally healthy because they are BEING BIRDS, and not being controlled by bullies. They are free to flourish as their own individual potential, they are free to spend their time mastering flight, mastering food gathering, mastering nest-building, and mastering survival. They are spending their time in the company of other birds who are also mastering their skills and learning about their environment. No one is saying "you're too small to fly, go walk on the ground" or "you're not good enough to be one of our flock, get lost", or "stay inside this cage and don't argue while we go food-hunting" or "I am the food-hunter, you have to sit on the nest" or "you are our servant, shut up and go get us some seeds or worms to eat". They are living real lives. They aren't getting randomly attacked by groups of birds who are supposed to be their flock-mates, or being put down by jealous flock-mates. They have enemies, but their flock-mates aren't telling them they're WRONG about the cat lurking in the grass, and no one is blaming them for making the cat behave that way. They don't have a flock "leader" who is cruel to any bird who isn't serving the leader's whims.  (Many flocks do have "leaders", but it's not a "superiority" thing. It's just whoever happens to take the lead when it's time to fly, or time to eat, or time to rest, or time to nest. It's more like a group of genuine friends who are hanging out, and one person says "Hey the sun is going down, we should go home" and everyone says "oh yeah, thanks". One person might say "I'm gonna stay and watch the sunset, I'll be along later", and they all reply "okay, see you later!" An individual bird doesn't get punished, threatened, or shamed if they don't "comply", because it's not about ego or entitlement. Although, birds who live in captivity may display domination behavior toward their flock mates that can become abusive or even deadly.) If they get in a squabble with another bird, they openly DEFEND themselves, and also FLY AWAY. No one is telling them they have to TAKE the abuse from the other bird. They don't get triggered to self-harm because they are living as free individuals, they feel their own personal power, they don't have to sit there and deal with someone dominating them, using them, or trying to turn them into a pet or a servant. They deal with hardship and tragedy without turning to self-harm, or the destruction of the other birds. They keep each other warm in the winter, keep a look out for danger for one another, and don't make a big deal out of it, they just do it.
Yes there are happy pet birds, probably, but how do we know for sure? We can only know that they're NOT happy because of the self-harming behavior that they do, and the way they display anxiety in other ways.

So~ what would a CARING human do if their pet bird was showing signs of unhappiness and anxiety with self-harm, compulsive, erratic, or addiction behavior? They would immediately try to get help, they would want to know what they're doing to cause the bird's anxiety. If it came to it, they would give the bird to someone else, perhaps to a bird sanctuary where it could be with other birds and feel safe and happy.

What would an uncaring, narcissistic human do in the same scenario?
They would first blame the bird for the behavior, "This bird is nuts". They might ask for help, but if they didn't get the advice they wanted, such as "How to "fix" my crazy bird", then they would just ignore it. They don't want to hear they did or didn't do something to cause the bird's behavior, or that they should change something in the environment FOR the bird... Subsequently, they would keep doing the things they do that cause the bird anxiety, and they might do them MORE as a "Domination display". Like if the cat likes to jump at the bird, they wouldn't do anything about it, and might even encourage the cat. If the dog barks constantly and is causing the bird anxiety, they wouldn't do anything about that either, like put the bird in a quieter room, or keep the dog away from the bird. They would not let the bird out of the cage more, or get another bird as a companion, or separate birds who don't get along well. They might change the bird's diet... maybe... They would only give the bird away because they got SICK of the it, not because they cared about it and wanted it to have a better home. Basically, they have the bird as a pet because they enjoy owning THINGS. They don't actually care about the BIRD as a living individual.

With humans who self-harm and have compulsions from narcissistic abuse and environments, it's the same thing. Controllers will not give up control, they want MORE control. They won't change what they're doing because they notice signs of anxiety or depression in a person, they'll put all the blame on the person, and take zero responsibility. They WANT the person to have compulsions and addictions so they can control them, blame them, and shame them.

Many stories of "interventions" that are aired on television are clear examples of a narcissistic environment causing the addict to stay in a loop. The other members of the family or group blame the addict completely, and often even dismiss blatant physical abuse that the subject has endured from another member. They might even BLAME the subject for the abuse, as if they caused it. It's obvious why the subject has developed compulsions, addictions, and depression~ they have been caught in a web, a cage, of Narcissistic abuse often for years. Now they are going to have to heal themselves and get OUT of the cage, but first they need to recognize that there IS a cage. Then they're going to need to find healthy supporters so they can have somewhere to go when they get out of the cage.

It's all about shame, blame, anxiety, fear, emasculation (toward both males and females), and domination.

Keeping targets circling in their own emotional reactions IS the main strategy of Narcissistic controllers. It's all the same pattern, whether they are individuals in a relationship, friendship or family, the leader of a cult, a "pimp" in a prostitution ring, a gang leader, an organized crime leader, a drug dealing ring, a corrupt government politician, a corrupt business owner, manager or supervisor, or even coworkers.

When people see young girls in the street prostituting, why don't they pick them up and bring them home, and get them help? Why~ because people JUDGE, AVOID, and FEAR, and don't know the reality behind the girl's life, or the situation the girl is in. They don't know that pimps often convince the girls that they are their TRUSTWORTHY FRIEND, who is ON THEIR SIDE and UNDERSTANDS THEM, and will KEEP THEM SAFE. They don't get that the pimp will talk these kids into doing drugs and THEN prostitute them. They don't get that the pimps pretend to be a "business partner" with the girls, tricking them into believing they have personal power in this "business". They don't get that pimps will use SHAME and FEAR as a weapon, just like in any other Narc. relationship. Picture a pimp giving a girl drugs, putting her on the street after convincing her thoroughly that he is truly her friend, protector, and comrade, and then calling her a waste-product whore. They will use ANY TOOL OR WEAPON THEY CAN to keep their targets from leaving or talking.
Why are there SO MANY "customers" of these young girls that they keep the pimps in business?
WHY do pimps so often give these girls drugs?
WHY do the pimps wait for the girls to be influenced by the drugs before they threaten and beat them?...
WHY do people seem to FORGET that these girls are KIDS?
WHY do people find it so easy to just REJECT them, instead of helping them?
WHY DO THESE YOUNG GIRLS STAY, and not RUN AWAY?
WHY DID THEY RUN AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE IF THEIR HOME ENVIRONMENT WAS SO FULFILLING AND HEALTHY?

And to be quite CLEAR, there are plenty of boys who go through the exact same hell.

IT'S NOT THE "WORLD", IT'S NOT JUST "HUMAN NATURE", IT'S PREDATORY NARCISSISTIC ABUSE.
INDIVIDUAL HUMANS WHO ARE NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS.

Like the evil queen in Snow White, or Captain Hook in Peter Pan, Lex Luther in Superman, Drizella Tremaine in Cinderella. In real life, they are all around us, presently and throughout history.
They are the evil dictator, the corrupt government official, the corrupt Wall Street executive, all the way to the abusive (but POPULAR) local coach, the charismatic AND hate-inciting or manipulative preacher, the controlling head of the PTA, etc. They are the drug dealer downtown, and the corrupt individuals in local government, police, and business.
They are the bully supervisor or coworker.
They are the neighbor who is always trying to rule over other neighbors, or display their "dominance" or "superiority" somehow, either overtly or passive-aggressively.
They are the "friends" who treat their "friend" like a doormat, a mascot, a workhorse or ATM, or a little brother or sister.
They are the bully kids at school who are mean to other kids, or who manipulate other kids to do things they wouldn't otherwise.

They are individuals who's goals are about manipulating, owning, using, and harming others. They get themselves in positions of "power" whenever they can, and they target whoever they can, and they COLLECT "supporters" any way they can, half of whom don't even realize they are "supporting" a con-artist manipulator.

It's all the same pattern as anything else:
shame, blame, anxiety, fear, emasculation (toward both males and females), and domination.

Take away a person's hope for the future, their personal sense of strength and power, their sense of autonomy, their confidence in their own capability, their pride in MASTERY of skills, knowledge, and building their OWN future, and you have a person who is more slave than alive, and they don't even know how they got there. And they probably don't see any way out, or any reason to believe that there is hope, or that they could have a better life.

Just like the bird who is overwhelmed with anxiety of being trapped and pulls its feathers out, or screams and squawks, or thrashes in its cage and injures itself, eventually if it doesn't kill itself, it will die of the physical effects of stress, or just give up. When the bird has no hope of escape or rescue, it will turn on itself. BUT if the bird DID have hope, if it KNEW that it could have a better life somewhere else, it would keep TRYING to escape, even while it's pulling its feathers out in anxiety.

Addictions and compulsions are SYMPTOMS of something else. Curing the cause always heals the symptoms.

If you're looking for a cure for the cause, 12-step groups can be of tremendous help because A ) they're free, B ) they're anonymous, and C ) there are people there who share similar situations D) free coffee . It's best to go around to find the ones that suit you, and there's no need to make PERSONAL connections outside of the group. Just sit in the back and listen at first, no diving in required; if your radar tells you there's something not right, you can just leave. 


DBT  (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) can be a boon to those suffering with the effects of a dysfunctional childhood, regardless of their "diagnosis", or the lack thereof.


Energy healing like Reiki and Theta can be very helpful, even if a person doesn't "believe" in it; just the caring presence of another human being can make a very large impact.

Al-anon is a support group for people who support each other in dealing with OTHER people, mainly geared for families and partners of alcoholics and other addicts, but the support is about learning how to understand and deal with the behavior and emotional issues in the whole family system.



~M.M.Black 2013

"Boys Don't Cry", "Men Don't Show Fear", "Women Shouldn't Work"

Men and boys are just as susceptible to being targeted as women and girls, by both male and female bullies and narcissists, both romantically and non-romantically.

One of the reasons the status quo used to be for women to not "interfere" with the "business of men" was, on the positive side, to protect them from some of the narcissist and whacked men that their husbands had to deal with all the time.

Narc. men don't want women "interfering in their business", but NON-NARC. men don't want those jerk-offs to insult or mess with their wives, mother, or daughters. Or sons either, but presumably sons were taught how to deal with these a******s. Basically males were taught to take the "front line" against the Narcs in the world so their wives could peacefully and productively teach and raise the children (both boys and girls), and have peace for themselves, and a safe space to study and create. It wasn't because the husbands thought the women were INCAPABLE at all. Bigotry is a narcissist thing. And on that same page, only narcissists thought men were categorically incapable of caring for children, cooking, clothes making, or anything else. (Again, innate bigotry is a narc. thing. Narcissists teach children skewed beliefs that reflect their bigotry, and so on, and so on.)

All those lines people hammered into boys like "Don't let them see you cry", or "Don't let them see you sweat", or "Don't let them hear your personal stories", "Don't let them see your emotions" "Don't let them see your fear", "Stand up tall and be a 'man'", "Protect women and children", they were INSTRUCTIONS about dealing with narcissists, and other bullies, and predators. Severe Narcissists see any emotion as a way in, they get a thrill out of attack and sabotage, and they attack women and children both because they like to, and also to hurt whoever is connected to them; we're all familiar with that crap.

"Never hit a girl or a woman" is another blanket teaching that is made into a "boy" thing ~  of COURSE you don't hit a girl, anyone with any common sense wouldn't in the first place! But guess what~ anyone with any common sense wouldn't hit a BOY either! This blanket "Boys should never hit girls" as if all girls are made of glass and all boys have superpowers was to drive it home to people with a little less in the sense department. It has a side effect that it gets taken completely out of context, and people seem to think it means "But it's OKAY to hit BOYS, because they're SO TOUGH"...

Taken out of context that advice all sounds antiquated, callous, and almost abusive, but IN context, it's very good advice. A balanced and aware parent would have explained to do these things for a specific REASON, not just in general, not just because their child happened to have male genitalia.

You DO let your WIFE see you cry! You DO show LOVE and your real gentle self to your children and wife! You DO recognize, acknowledge, and respect your wife as a REAL person, an equal partner, with actual strength, intelligence, and talent. You don't do all this "MAN" behavior at your partner and family, that's not what it's for. It was just instructions on how to deal with the narcissists in the world so you could get your goals met and collect a paycheck.

Women were not taught these things because they were being taught OTHER things, like how to be supportive of your husband after he just dealt with jerk-off narcissists all day. It makes sense in CONTEXT, but when people LOSE CONTEXT and start making it about some kind of "gender assignment" it destroys the reasons behind them, and everyone starts to believe one of two things~ either that all these things some kind of "Status Quo" and that you are shameful if you don't do them according to your gender, but have no idea WHY they were done in the first place, or that all these things had no legitimate reasons behind them (because no one ever taught them what the reasons were!).
No matter how "manly" a man learned to act in the male "business" world full of narcs, if you were emotionally and mentally healthy, you WOULD express your real self, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, joys, and silly sense of humor to your wife... you WOULD respect her intelligence tremendously, her point of view and her capability, and you WOULD NEVER treat her with disrespect or bigotry, not in a million years. Why would you, she was your PARTNER!
You would let her see you laugh AND cry, and ask her for advice on pretty much anything and everything, and the ONLY reason you wouldn't want her to go into the "working world" or have a career was because you were worried about misogynistic N's targeting her, NOT because you had any doubt that she was quite capable, or because you considered yourself "above" her.

Now, the war with bigoted control freak Narcs in business, arts, sciences, and government still rages on, more in some places than in others but still everywhere,  but some of the battles are over. Now both men and women, girls and boys, need to learn those "antiquated" instructions once again, but this time, remember WHY, what they're FOR, and WHO they're ABOUT. If you internalize "TOUGH GUY" behavior because it works in one place with certain people, you're not going to be able to "turn it off" when you're with other people. CONTEXT is the key, as are healthy boundaries and awareness. When you want to close a deal with an obvious Narcopath, you put on your extra armor. When you leave that meeting, you take it off!

~M.M.Black 2013

P.S. Only a narcissist would attack this post as "nonsensical", I can already hear the anxious whining and moaning, lol.

Self SERVing

Ever notice that when something or someone is hacked, a lot of hackers will claim that it was a protest against stupid laws and bad government or corrupt corporation, so they do things to DESTROY and screw things up, but they hardly EVER hack anything to HELP anyone. Why the hell would someone hack a person who sticks up for those who were treated like crap by control freaks? Why would a hacker attack a person who is ANTI-control freak? Why are they trying to WRECK things, when they could just as easily HELP?
Same amount of effort and expertise, no difference there. If it takes a genius to wreck something, then what kind of genius does it take to actually make something BETTER?

Why is the goal always destruction instead of helping someone, and actually accomplishing something real and positive, and help them to help OTHERS, and actually make the world BETTER instead of SUCK MORE??!

I would put specific examples here, but I don't think that's necessary, anyone who's smart enough to hack is smart enough to figure that out.

Every brick we lift is used either to smash something, or to build something. Before it's used, it's just a brick. After it's used, it has become either a weapon of destruction, or a building block of creation. WE choose which it will be.