Constant Thrum Of Tension

That constant, continuous undertone of tension the controller seems to emit may likely be something they developed in childhood. They may have picked it up from someone else in the household, or they may have felt it themselves.

Many children grew up inside of a household where one of the adults was always wondering what another adult was going to do next, or not do next, or what they were doing while they were out. One parent might have been in a continual bad mood because either they have mood or control issues, or because the other parent has mood or control issues, or treated them with disrespect. A parent who is controlling or haughty often emits this tension constantly, and children in the house may try to "match the frequency" so they can feel normal.
Children who grow up in a household where one parent is gone a lot for any reason may develop this; they may be stressed for the absence of the parent, or their other parent may be stressed from it;  and also those who had one parent who was physically ill, or another family member, especially if there was always some sense of foreboding, like something bad could happen at any moment.

Children who grew up in such an environment can adapt this constant thrum of tension and incorporate it into their personality, often feeling like it's the way one is supposed to feel when one is an adult, or when one is "responsible", or "in charge". 
The feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or being worried that one's daily, normal behavior and actions will be judged and micro-managed, are symptoms of a controlling household. And that feeling can be incorporated into a child's regular every day personality. Without it, the person may feel like he or she is giving up their autonomy and personal power; they may actually believe it's part of being an adult human being. We all incorporate our childhood environment into our selves as we grow up, it's normal; so if this constant tension was present, it can easily be taken in by a person who grew up in it.

Self Confidence vs. Narcissism

Self-confidence is not the same as "Narcissism".
When you are confident, you feel solid and good about yourself and your capability, you aren't plagued with self-doubt, and you don't have the need to compare yourself to others. You are happy about your accomplishments, your abilities, and your aspirations, and are not thinking much about what other people think of you; you're just content and happy about what you're doing,  improving your skills, and learning things. You notice when others are disrespectful toward you, and you automatically stand up for yourself. You also stand up for others. You don't pretend disrespectful behavior is not happening, or allow  others to insult you, control you, put you down, condescend, or walk on you, or do any of that to others around you.

You learn from others regardless of their "station" or "status". Self-confident people ENJOY sharing ideas, listening to others' points of view about all kinds of things; they enjoy discussion, they don't insult others, condescend, try to overtake a discussion or counter. They don't assume negative things about others; they don't participate in gossip. They put their energy into improving their own life, and the lives of those around them, not in tearing others down or picking them apart. They don't waste time "critiquing" others lives or bodies; they don't invite or embrace negativity, judgment, or divisiveness. They notice when others do, and they may avoid entire groups of people who are negative and controlling.

They are HAPPY when they meet a "kindred spirit", someone else who shares their interests, someone else who enjoys similar things or does something that they do. They are happy for those who are doing well and who have accomplished things. They LIKE IT when someone else knows things they don't, understands things they don't, or is better at something than they are, because it's an opportunity to LEARN. They don't gloat, brag, or boast. They enjoy honesty, good manners, ethics, and critical thinking, and they find relief in taking accountability for their mistakes and transgressions. They LIKE to hear what others have to say, and they LIKE to learn from others, and they truly APPRECIATE and acknowledge the talent, skill, ability, and knowledge of others; they don't try to shush them up with insults and countering, invalidate them, dismiss them, or shun them.

A self-confident person does not brag or boast; they could have 3 PhD's and keep it to themselves. They could have climbed Mt. Everest twice and not tell others unless the subject comes up in conversation. They could be a world-reknowned artist and you wouldn't know it if you met them, because they don't seek extra credit and admiration, so they don't talk about it unless someone asks. They don't feel "outshined" easily, and they don't envy those who do something well that they also do. They also don't hesitate to share their accomplishments with others when it occurs to them to do so, and often do when they're happy about something they've done. They don't HIDE what they've accomplished, and at the same time they don't think of their accomplishments, skills, or talent as "bragging rights".

They have no need to PROVE that they are better or more knowledgeable at something that someone else, and will even pretend to know less than they do, or are less capable than they are, if it seems like someone's ego is fragile, or if they are under fire from others.

Those who are self-confident LIKE TO promote OTHERS, they ENJOY pointing out what others are accomplishing, and help them gain credit and acknowledgment for what they do. Even when it's the same thing, the same field, the same skill, the same talent, and even if they are not receiving any benefit themselves for promoting them.

Those who are self-confident have the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of others in mind, regardless of whether they are a "close friend" or not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

Those who are Narcissistic only have their own well-being in mind, and will emotionally, mentally, or physically neglect, shut out, or abuse others if it serves them in any way. Occasionally they can seem somewhat concerned for others whom they see as also "elite" who they consider to be in their circle of elitism.

Narcissism is not the same as self-confidence, and can be said to be it's opposite. It's all about comparing one's self to others, and trying to find them to be lesser than one's self, OR trying to associate one's self with those who are seen as "higher".
Narcissism craves attention,  admiration, an audience, and compliance, not equable connection.
Narcissism feels uncomfortable when it feels like it "has to" listen to someone ELSE, especially if it wants that person to be their designated audience, caretaker, sidekick, or to be "lower status".
When Narcissism sees someone else doing well, displaying talent, showing skill or knowledge, or looks happy and confident, it feels resentment, envy, intimidation, or a loss of control. It may even feel hatred. Narcissism needs to be the one who is in control, the one who is seen as MORE~ the one who is smartest, the most capable, the most beautiful, or the most talented. Narcissism doesn't do things WITH others, it doesn't care about "kindred spirits"; it doesn't feel inspired that you're a singer too, or an artist too, or that you're also into science, or love animals, or also a writer, or also a parent. Narcissism instead sees you as either a threat to their spotlight, or as some kind of "wanna-be", or even a sycophant. Unless you are someone they see as "above" or "elite", Narcissism does not want to hear your point of view and is not interested in doing anything WITH you. If you are going to be around Narcissism, you are expected to let THEM be the "one in charge", the one who gets the attention from others, the one who is liked and admired MORE THAN you. It can't even be equal, it has to be them getting more attention, admiration, and adulation.
If Narcissism doesn't get to be the star, the boss, the one in control, the one who is MORE SKILLED, more experienced, knowledgeable, capable, or intelligent, the one who is seen as innocent and above reproach, the one who is above the "rules" (too cool for school), the one who is RIGHT and righteous all the time, no matter what, then they can become angry, hostile, and resentful. Sometimes even dangerous, and are not above "retaliation" for their feelings. Narcissism sees all of their feelings as being CAUSED BY other people and things.

Narcissism ONLY feels "good" about their own skills, abilities, or talent if there is someone to put down, someone to tear down, someone to compare themselves to, someone they can control, or someone praising them profusely or showing adulation.

Self-confidence is definitely not the same as Narcissism.

Prejudice Toward BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

There is a weird, pervasive prejudice in the "psychiatric field" against those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Try googling "prejudice against BPD" and see how m...any entries there are, it's a real problem.
Any kind of prejudice against an entire "group" of people is actually a narcissistic trait that is common in humans; it's that tendency to create cliques, which is from the FEAR OF being seen as "other". So people who are prejudiced against BPD may actually FEAR that THEY have BPD, and fear others noticing it, so they make a lot of noise making sure everyone knows they're NOT "one of THOSE people".
The mental health, caregiver, and medical fields are of course the LAST place that prejudice should be found. But it's actually quite prevalent, and can prove to be very damaging. I have witnessed for myself people who were relatively calm and quite functional folks get medicated to high heaven after being diagnosed with BPD; one woman I knew died of kidney failure, another (21 year old) who developed severe kidney stones had her medication changed which caused an immediate increase and severity in her self-harm, which her "team" refused to acknowledge, and began to give her ECT. She doesn't seem to remember me anymore. Her family is highly dysfunctional with obvious narcissism with delusions, and also alcoholism, but her "team" refused to acknowledge that, too, it was "all her".
I could list many more examples just that I have witnessed personally.
This problem is, of course, the most pervasive with the less mature and less professionally minded. The less emotionally mature a "professional" is, and the more narcissistic, the more likely he or she is to harbor this prejudice, and therefore fail to perform their job with objectivity or professionalism.
Prejudice is prejudice; those with racism will of course be less professional to targets of their prejudice, those with sexism will be less professional toward targets of that prejudice, etc. It can be seen, and does exist, in every single vocation, the psychiatric and medical fields are no exception.
Here is one person's experience witnessing this: 

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/institutionalised-discrimination-borderline-personality-disorder

Do The GOOD That Makes You Feel Good

You feel like you've lost your personality, or a big chunk of who you are. You feel like you don't know how to feel good about yourself anymore, like you've lost that ability forever.

Here's what may have happened: Narcissistic abusers, regardless of the relationship, will convince a target that they don't have those parts of their personality that used to make them feel good, that used to contribute to their self-esteem and confidence.

So if helping others used to help you feel good about yourself, that's what a narcissist will try to take away, and convince you that you were never actually a person who helped others, that it was all in your head, that you didn't do anything real to help anyone. They may even convince you that you were actually harming those you helped, or that you were only doing it to get attention and praise (even if you actually got nothing of the sort, or very little).
A narcissist will also try to place a fear/anxiety "switch" in your subconscious that will activate when you go to help anyone else.

The narcissist doesn't want you to help others; that would take your attention, time, energy, and resources away from THEM. It would also contribute to helping someone in a real sense, which means someone else is receiving a benefit from you. It would also contribute to your normal self-esteem and confidence; it's part of who you are, so you're fulfilling your own goals and carrying out your own ideas and plans. Other people might see how valuable your efforts are, and that would draw them to you, giving you more allies and increasing your good reputation. The better light more people see you in, the less control any narcissist has over you. Also, they fear that others might compare you to the narcissist, and find that they think more highly of you, and ostracize them (paranoia, projection). All of these things upset and scare a narcissist who is connected to you, and can make them feel left behind if they have abandonment issues as well. Fear makes narcissists anxious and angry, so they must put a stop to the source of their fear.

You also have probably helped the narcissist on many occasions and got nothing back but criticism, or a total lack of acknowledgement. This treatment can do a lot of damage to our motivation to help others when they need it, and can bury the feeling of joy we get when we can see some result from our efforts. It can make us CYNICAL, or worse. It can even turn us on ourselves, in a literal way; when we need something, we can refuse to give it to ourselves, and refuse to ask anyone else as well for fear of being denied. So we don't get our needs met, and we don't get the needed self-esteem boost from doing something effective.

How can we cure this?!?
One step toward healing this can be helping someone ELSE, or something else, other than the narcissist, outside of our usual patterns and people, and other than ourselves for now. If we have children, we can do something to help them, even if it's something small like helping them with something that is good for their future, or opening a savings account, or looking into lessons and further academics. We can help another relative, or a neighbor, or a total stranger. Even if we need to keep it secret, we can do this. We can do little things or bigger things, and we can keep doing them until we can FEEL it again.

Do what used to make you feel good about yourself, do try to remember. Your subconscious remembers all of it, it's in there.

How To End Sexism

The way to end sexism is not to try to convince people who are sexist to stop being sexist, they're too far gone, it's a waste of time and energy, much like teaching a pig to sing. The way to end it is for women who have awareness to stop competing against one another, start supporting one another instead of vying and triangulating to gain acceptance and approval from others, and stop teaching children to have sex bias just so they'll fit in with our own ego and insecurity issues. Of course, it may be an impossible task; it would take a majority of mature and emotionally secure human beings to accomplish such a paradigm shift in human behavior. Too many will throw their own relatives under a bus if they think it will improve their own lot, they don't want fairness for others, only for themselves, which of course means no one gets fairness, but try to explain that.

Women must wake up and take their own reins, and comfort their own kind, and stop competing with their neighbors, mothers, sisters, cousins, daughters, and coworkers for male attention and approval. Stop this believing that males hold all the power and we have to go THROUGH THEM to get our needs met. We don't need to go through males for anything, and therefore there's no need to tear them apart. We need to get our needs met ourselves, but when we compete against other women all the time, refusing to support them, refusing to bond with them, constantly judging and denying them the support that we lavish on men we don't even know, denying them credit and respect, even our own family members, then we get what we deserve.

Don't whine about sexism and then trash the next pretty girl you see. Don't complain about how men hold all the power when you wouldn't lift a finger to support another woman who just might know something you don't, or have a skill or talent that you don't, or who some guy might look at. Women are the real cause of sexism, we are the ones who RAISE CHILDREN.

IT IS UP TO WOMEN TO MODEL RESPECT FOR WOMEN IN SOCIETY.

Kinds Of Narcissism

There are many levels of "Narcissism". As a disorder, it's a "spectrum" disorder. A person can be extremely narcissistic, or just enough to make life with them more difficult because their behavior is childish. A person can definitely be narcissistic, or even have the disorder, without actually being a sociopath or a psychopath, and it's actually pretty common. Sociopaths don't operate with the same emotional reactions, so they don't actually do some of the behaviors found in most Narcissists. They're not going to go around backstabbing someone every time they feel left out or their ego gets pinched; they aren't that reactive. They have goals in mind, and they try to meet those goals however they can, over and through others. The reason they'll backstab is to cover their tracks and destroy the target's credibility. It's not the same thing as the reactive kind of gossip that most Narcissistic people spread around, trying to get attention, sympathy, and admiration by tearing someone else down. The sociopath's goal is more often tangible, they want something specific, whatever that may be, and they will do whatever it takes to get it, preferable without drawing attention to themselves. They don't want to get caught, because that would STOP THEM from getting what they want. Picture a person who gets a job in a bank and purposely becomes a model employee, JUST SO he or she can eventually gain access to the keys to the safe. That's their goal; they may become very angry when their plan is thwarted, but not so much with social issues. They couldn't care less about who is having lunch with whom, or who is having an affair with whom, or anything else social. They want those keys, they will kiss as much butt as they need to to get them. After they've gotten what they wanted from the vault, they'll probably skip town, and blow off every person they pretended to be "friends" with. These are the kind of Narcissists who are always "in charge" because they are single-minded and focused; they purposely focus on gaining power (on a personal scale all the way to the highest government positions) so they can get access to what they want.

Histrionic Narcissists, on the other hand, are all about social interaction. It's their main supply, so it's their main focus. They want attention and approval, assistance, sympathy, and more sympathy, and admiration. Not the same as acknowledgment and recognition. They don't want people to simply acknowledge their accomplishments, or support them in their endeavors, or assist them when they need it, all of which are normal and healthy human needs (that Narcissists withhold on purpose)... they want to be THE GREATEST one, the MOST BEAUTIFUL one, the MOST HANDSOME one, the SMARTEST, the BEST, the SWEETEST, the MOST DESERVING, the ONE WHO SHOULD GET ALL THE SYMPATHY and HELP because they are the STAR of this family, this community, this school, this business, this circle of friends. And WOE to anyone who seems like competition to them!!!

And then there is the very, very common Narcissism that is seen every day in this modern era: the defensive, brooding, domination-oriented, trying to "prove" that I'm tough enough, cool enough, tougher than YOU, better and more deserving than you, knock down anything others are trying to accomplish, knock down others for any reason whatsoever, especially if they seem confident, bright, happy, or motivated. Trying to make a target stop believing in themselves, trying to make a target the focus of a petty and sad smear campaign that rarely has anything to do with reality. Using sarcasm, sabotage, ostracism, and triangulation against anyone who DARES to veer anywhere near the person's fragile ego, or against anyone who seems like they might know more or get more attention. This kind is often learned from the community one lives in and is exacerbated dramatically by a bully-culture. Constantly putting others down, judging, trying to find excuses to exclude others and make cliques, trying to build one's image up so it's "above" others, treating even members of one's own family, and total strangers like "second-class citizens" or like they're stupid or crazy, attacking"friends" and family every time they talk about anything, especially political or religious. This current epidemic, like other cycles in history, is most likely the result of growing up in a dysfunctional culture filled with bigotry, sexism, racism, a lack of ethics, a lack of critical thinking being taught, and widespread corruption.

There are many more levels and versions of Narcissism, and it manifests in many ways; the common denominator is simply a lack of interest in the well-being of others mostly due to an overwhelming focus on the self. Some are very dangerous, some not so much; it is important to know the difference as members of society, and when we are trying to heal, and when there are children involved.

Pain, Pain, Go Away!

One of the most difficult things to grasp for many, or most, people, is that the source of pain is within.
The causes of the pain and anger we feel may have been external, but the source of the pain and anger is our own. We are the generators of our own pain and anger.

We are also the generators of our own annoyance, our own frustration, and our own defensiveness.
When we tell someone to "Lighten up!" because they're expressing their frustration emotions, it's because WE are having an emotional reaction.
When we tell someone to stop complaining, quit whining, get a thicker skin, when we tell them to stop talking about a particular topic or stop standing up for themselves or others, we are expressing OUR emotional reaction, we are trying to make them stop because of OUR emotions. It's not about them at all.

This is why something that enrages one person does not seem to anger another much at all, regardless of how "wrong" the thing is, or how trivial. Every single one of us is unique, unlike any other, regarding the external reasons that we generate feelings of pain and anger, or joy and sadness. Some of these things we seem to have in common, but it is not a cook-cutter stamp, no two people have the same exact emotional reactions to the same things, or the same intensity of emotional reaction either. (We humans do like to mimic one another's emotional responses to feel more like a cohesive group, but the underlying uniqueness remains, like fingerprints.)
The pain we feel comes from within our own bodies, our own brains, our own spirits. We are the one with the key to the room where the pain is coming from.
Sometimes our pain won't seem to go away because we are in a loop. We may feel anger, shame, or guilt about something someone else did, or something we did, or something that we feel responsible for, or something that happened, or something we feel like we could have and should have prevented but couldn't, or didn't.
We can get in a loop of trying to get away from the pain, trying to make someone else take our pain away, trying to use something to make it go away. But when we realize that the pain comes from within ourselves, we can then realize that we are the ones who have the power to heal it, not by avoiding it, not by sending someone else in to shield us from it, not by spraying it down with chemicals. But by unlocking the door and shining a light on the cause of the pain so we can see what it is.

Once we look at it, directly, we can see that it's not bigger than we are. It can't be, it's within us. Nothing bigger can fit inside of something else, everything inside of something has to be smaller than the container it's in.

We've been running away from a monster that's really more the like the size of a raccoon, or even smaller, like a frightened rabbit, or even smaller than that. Something we can overcome if we would simply open the door and look at it, stop trying to pretend it doesn't exist, stop locking it away in a closet, in the dark.

And then we can see that it's not going to be a losing battle, we will be able to forgive ourselves. And we will be able to forgive others. When we look directly at the source of the pain, instead of looking at it sideways with all kinds of malice and hostility, we can see that it's not nearly as big or bad as we thought, even if it really, really seems that way. It may be a cluster of smaller things that, behind the locked door, all scrabbling and screeching together, feel and sound like one big monster, but once we look, we see that it's just a whole bunch of little doggies who are making a huge racket, trying to escape, fighting with each other, tearing the room apart because they are frightened and upset.

We may want to bring a trusted friend with us when we unlock the door, or someone who is a neutral third party, like a healer or trusted counselor, so we have someone there with us to catch any extra small "monsters" that try to scurry out. Then we can look at them; some of them might just be frightened, or feel shame or guilt, or feel deeply frustrated, but they have been screeching and running around, jumping off the walls inside of that room so much that we have been afraid to unlock the door and look in.
The first step is realizing that the source is within. 

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Robert Alter On Relationship Problems

Robert Alter says most men aren’t interested in connecting with their wives: Read more by clicking this.

Why Fear Is Important To Bullies And Controllers

All bullies seek to increase a target's FEAR and anxiety.

What do they want a target to be afraid of?

>Doing things they enjoy, doing things they like or love.
(Such as caring for animals, wood crafting, creative projects, music, acting, writing, restoring antiques, gourmet cooking, inventing, starting a business, studying our favorite interests, etc, etc.)
When we do what we enjoy, when we do what we love, we feel good inside. When we feel good inside, we are happier. When we are happier, we feel and also exude more confidence. When we feel more confident, we are more independent, and are more able to do more things, and accomplish more. When we exude confidence, we are less socially anxious, and more likely to draw allies.
The bully tries to prevent the first step in this process from happening, thereby preventing the entire process.

>Feeling like they "belong", like they're a full, regular, accepted member of the family or community, classroom, or work place. When one feels accepted and comfortable in "belonging", then one is not self-conscious, and does not suffer self-doubt. When one does not suffer self-doubt and anxiety, then one is much more able to meet goals, make progress, feel happy, and accomplish wonderful things.
Bullies often try to convince a target that they should be worried about what others are thinking about them, and that they should not feel comfortable in the company of others because they are not welcome or wanted.

>Being seen or heard by others.
In groups where bullies are present, targets get singled out, and the things they do and say are magnified and cast in a negative light, no matter what they are. A target's dance lessons will be magnified and cast in a negative light. A target's good grades will be cast in a negative light. The bicycle or car that a target has will be put under a microscope; the target's relationships with others will be scrutinized and twisted; the target's accomplishments, aspirations, and plans will be "faulted". Even the target's hair, clothing, face, body, weight, height, and voice, even facial expressions, will be magnified, scrutinized, and faulted to a ridiculous degree, and the target will be verbally criticized, assaulted, ridiculed, sometimes even threatened. (A person who is NOT a target, who does exactly the same things as the target, or who even does illegal or immoral things, will NOT be scrutinized or criticized.)
It's not about the actual things the target is doing or not doing; it's all about trying to get the target (and those around the target) to believe there's something WRONG with the target, and that this person should be singled out and criticized, and shut down.
(The motives for shutting down a target, for bullies, are always the same; envy, intimidation, fear of exposure, fear of loss of control over others. Sometimes there are other elements: insecurity and fear of abandonment, fear of GETTING bullied and singled out, but that is almost always the result of some kind of trauma in the person's past that they have not healed from or gotten "closure" from).

>Feeling confidence; conducting themselves in a confident manner.
Not OVER-confidence, just normal, healthy confidence; the kind all humans need to have a healthy functioning life. If I feel confident, I show it. When I show it, more people will believe I'm capable and intelligent. More people will like me and listen to what I have to say.
This is human behavior 101; humans gravitate toward those who display confidence and away from those who don't (regardless of whether the person actually knows what they're doing or not.). Humans usually align themselves with those who APPEAR confident, and eschew those who do not appear confident. Humans tend to BELIEVE those who appear confident (regardless of the person's actual knowledge), and tend to DISBELIEVE those who do not (regardless of the person's actual knowledge).
So if a bully can get me to FEAR DISPLAYING CONFIDENCE, or FEAR behaving in a confident manner, then I will have far fewer ALLIES. Not because I don't DESERVE allies, but because of the human tendency to follow those who have an appearance of confidence.
This serves the bully in lots of ways, including knocking me out of what they perceive as a "competition" for allies and admirers. It also serves the bully in their goal for control over me; the fewer allies I have, the fewer people I will have standing up for me against the bully. The fewer allies I have, the fewer eyes there will be who see what's going on, or who will care. It also gets the bully MORE allies, because the bully then appears to be the one who is the most confident, and therefore the one who appears knowledgeable and capable, and innocent of wrongdoing.

>Learning new things.
When we learn new things, and we know that we learned them, our self-confidence increases. We feel stronger, more intelligent, and more independent. When our confidence increases, we feel less dependent on others, and are therefore not as controllable. We also are more likely to believe our own eyes and ears regarding what others are doing.

>Learning how to do certain tasks.
If I know how to cook my own meals, or work on my own car, or repair my own clothes, grow my own vegetables, cut my own hair, repair or build my own house, then no one has LEVERAGE over me who does know how to do these things (or pretends to know). I am not beholden to someone else to do these things FOR me. I will not be fooled by someone who is trying to con me, or who doesn't really know what they're doing. I don't have to wait around for someone else, or pay someone else, or accept a shoddy job. If I know how to cook my own meals, I can feed myself, and I don't NEED anyone else to cook for me, therefore I will be less likely to put up with any untoward behavior from a person who is cooking my meals for me.

>Doing/performing certain tasks.
If a bully sees me changing my own tire, they are very likely to come up to me and do something like criticize me, try to point out "mistakes", or try to take over. They may even try to physically take the tire iron out of my hand without my permission (space invader, controller).
They will NOT simply help me if I request it like they would for someone else who they weren't trying to dominate. In other words, if I ask them to hold the tire iron, they won't do that, they'll just take it and do whatever they want. Bullies want to be "ABOVE" certain others, ALL THE TIME, and they frequently use tasks and jobs as a method to meet this goal. YOU can't know how to change your own tire, only I AND THOSE WHO ARE LIKE ME can do that. It's TOO HARD for YOU, WE'RE the only ones smart enough and strong enough to be able to do that. (Sounds like adolescence because that's the developmental stage it's from.)
So every time a target goes to perform certain tasks or activities (they can be anything at all, from changing a tire to playing guitar to digging a ditch), a bully swoops in and criticizes, micromanages, bosses, sabotages, blocks, puts themselves IN IT somehow and causes the task to become very stressful for the target. Bullies will go to far lengths to block targets from performing certain jobs, tasks, and activities, including physically blocking them from doing it in whatever way they can.
(It's important to note that bullies will also redirect to others, so if a bully who does NOT know how to change a tire were to see me changing mine, they would STILL try to get me to stop by criticizing, trying to point out "mistakes", trying to convince me that I "can't" do it, that I'm not capable. They are even likely to get someone else to help them with their bullying, such as someone who does know how to change a tire~ send the person over to finish the bully-job and get me away from what I'm doing, any way they can. They MUST stop me from completing my task and proving that I am actually capable of it, which might result in increasing my own confidence, and increasing the confidence OTHERS have in my capability.)

>Expressing emotions, thoughts, observations, and opinions out loud, especially where others can see or hear. In groups where controllers are present, a kind of "hierarchy" is created by them. This can be seen in humans and other primates. Freely expressing one's self is actually a PRIVILEGE that only those with high status are "allowed" in such groups. So, even laughing loudly is often "stamped out" by those who are vying for control positions within the group. ALSO~ freely expressing one's self is a DISPLAY of confidence, which, as previously mentioned, draws attention and allies.
Thoughts, observations, and opinions are kept under careful watch and scrutiny, lest someone else hears them and starts thinking for themselves, or seeing that the Controllers are not the only knowledgeable or skilled ones in the group. When several in the group become more aware, any Controllers are more likely to be noticed, and lose their "edge" they have over others.

>Feeling RELAXED.
When a bully notices that a target seems relaxed, they will often immediately do something to disturb the target, trying to cause some form of anxiety or fear either directly, or in the surrounding atmosphere.

>Concentrating.
A target is often disturbed somehow by nearby Controllers any time they appear to be doing something that requires their full attention, or when they are concentrating intently on something, or when they are trying to accomplish something large or small. Anything from studying, to creative projects, to scientific observation, to business, to conversations with others, to personal accounting (paying bills), or just going out to do something.
It's common for students who are trying to study to be frequently disturbed by either family members or classmates, which can and does cause them to lose their concentration, and costs them on exams and in their education in general.
Controllers will disturb, interrupt, cause crises, sabotage, or bully a target any time they are trying to get something done. Some will even physically damage, ruin, or move, hide, or take something the target is working on or using.
This habitual interruption can also cause health problems for the target, even mental and emotional problems such as stress and memory issues, never mind time, scheduling, and social interaction problems, all of which can result in serious problems at school and work for the target. Therefore the bully's goals are met.

>Autonomy, and behaving like a free adult who does not need permission from others to act or do.
One of the most common Controller tactics is to try to make a target arrange their schedule around others' schedules, often changing plans at the last minute on the target, or not showing up, or saying there were plans when there wasn't, or leaving them out purposely to "teach them a lesson". Controllers also will often try to delay or wreck plans of a target, whether they are included in those plans or not. The Controller's goal is not to DO an activity, but to control the target. The actual activity or plan is secondary; it's a tool, an opportunity to assert control, it's not the goal. Controllers seem to enjoy having a target wait for them, having a target come TO THEM, they will rarely go TO a target; getting a target to do something other than what the target wanted to do; standing a target up completely, and then justifying their behavior. This is all training. We all show others how to treat us, and Controllers are no exception; they are intent on establishing dominance and "higher status" over a target, in the target's mind, and in anyone else's mind who will buy into it~ that is the only way they can stay in control.

Controllers are not interested in equally balanced, give and take, reciprocal, respectful friendships or acquaintances. They may not know how to be in one, they may never had had the opportunity to experience this in their childhoods. They see others as either below them or above them, not as equals who have learned different things and have different and varied abilities. They mostly see others as either a threat to their imagined "status" (which is real if others are playing along), or as someone they can dominate. When we know where they're coming from, we can be more prepared to deal with their behavior, or avoid them.

Authority On What Is Right

Controllers do this fascinating thing where they talk about what THEY do and don't do, and their opinions, in a way that makes it sound like they are THE authority on "right and wrong". They seem to involve gender in everything, perhaps because it's easier to get away with control that way. They apply this "right and wrong" judgment to so many things it's impossible to keep track, so just say pretty much anything.

For example if THEY don't swim in the ocean, then it's "WRONG" to swim in the ocean. If they are a woman, and you are a woman, then you should AGREE that it's "wrong" to swim in the ocean, and any woman who does swim in the ocean is ignorant or stupid, or even a bad person.

Anything THEY do is what OTHER women are "supposed to do" (if they're a woman).
Anything THEY do is what OTHER MEN are "supposed to do" (if they're a man.)

They will also apply this "Supposed To" to the opposite sex as well.

It doesn't matter what it is they do, if THEY do it, it's "GOOD AND RIGHT" or "OKAY".
It doesn't matter what it is, even if it's illegal, harmful, or puts others (including children) at risk. So to them, going to church is good and right and okay, and so is drinking and driving, with a baby in the car... because these are things THEY DO, and they are INNOCENT and have GOOD INTENTIONS all the time... therefore ALL of their actions are excusable...

So if THEY speed on the highway and weave in and out of other cars, follow other cars closely, text and drive, drink and drive, whatever and drive, then it's OKAY... because nothing THEY do could possibly be wrong, and it's NOT dangerous... because nothing THEY do could possibly be wrong... and it doesn't put children or other people's lives at risk... because nothing THEY do could possibly be wrong... And people who don't agree with them are just dumb, or scared, or weak, or not good at driving like THEY are...

If they use illegal drugs, it's OKAY, and only people who "don't get it" or are "prudish" or are "stupid" don't use them too. But anyone who takes Ibuprofen, or drinks water out of plastic bottles, or plays cards at the casino is BAD and stupid and crazy...

If they are a man and have long hair, then it's "manly" to have long hair, but ONLY the kind of long hair THEY HAVE. And they are also the authority on how ALL WOMEN should and should not wear their hair...

If they are a man and have a crew cut, then it's likely that they have decreed that all males who have hair that touches their collar is BAD, STUPID, and WEAK. And they will often, interestingly, have the exact same presumptuous "parameters" that the controller with the long hair had about WOMEN'S hair.

If they are a woman, they will also KNOW EXACTLY how other women "SHOULD" wear their hair, and if they don't they're STUPID and a BAD or CRAZY person. And likewise, same as male controllers, will decree exactly how MEN SHOULD WEAR THEIR HAIR. Especially regarding men they know personally.

Whatever CHURCH they belong to is the RIGHT church... or whatever RELIGION, or spiritual group, or movement. If they belong to an ANTI-RELIGIOUS group, then THAT'S the "right" group.

Whichever Political Party they belong to is the RIGHT one, the righteous one, the smart one; NO ONE in THEIR Political Party is EVER WRONG.

Whatever job THEY have is a "man's job" (if they're a man), whatever job THEY have is a "woman's job" (if they're a woman).
They also actually seem to BELIEVE that "only males can do such and such job" and "only females can do such and such job". Apparently it's fun and feels powerful to make up fantastical presumptions about what OTHER people are capable of and not capable of.
They also apply many of these gender roles to themselves as well, especially the ones that make them feel MORE POWERFUL or MORE INTELLIGENT, or sometimes they assign them to the opposite sex so they can GET OUT OF DOING CERTAIN THINGS.

Controllers are fascinating to watch, not much fun to deal with personally, however, unless you don't actually need to get anything accomplished, or want to do something fun or interesting.

Real Relationship, Or Role Playing?

If you get the feeling you're a surrogate place-holder for someone else in your relationship/friendship (someone's parent, an ex, a sibling) you're probably right. Do they treat you like you're YOU, or do they keep treating you as if you're a completely different person than who you are? Do they treat you with respect and reciprocal friendship and companionship, or do they seem to keep trying to get you to do certain things or be a certain way that may or may not have anything to do with who YOU are? Did they take any time or make any effort to get to know you, to KNOW YOU, or did they seem to assume they already knew all about you, who you are, what you are, what and where you've been, what you think, what your motives are, what your emotions are? Do they show any interest in SHOWING YOU that they care, or do they just keep expecting YOU to show THEM? Do they keep accusing YOU of doing all kinds of things "wrong" that don't even cross your mind, that aren't even a part of your personality? Do they say and do things that are mean or inconsiderate, or dismissive or judgmental, and then accuse YOU of doing those things? Or accuse you of being uncaring because you backed away from them due to their behavior? (Like it's a set up? Like they're TRYING to make you back off JUST SO they can accuse you of abandonment?)
When this seems to be a pattern, it's often because you ARE a place-holder for someone else, someone who they have been carrying around resentment for for a long time, sometimes all the way back to early childhood.

A Job Or A Calling?

Things to ask yourself about your work and motivations:

Would you do your job for no pay?
If you couldn't get any recognition or credit for it?
If it helped others but no one knew you were the one doing it?
If your family and friends thought it was stupid or silly?

If you answered "No", then your motives are not about helping others, they're about your image and your pocket.
If you answered "Yes" to all of the above, then you might be on the right track.
If you answered "Yes" to all of the above and you're actually doing it now, and you have no intention of stopping because you feel you're making some small difference, then keep at it, you may have found your Calling.

Desire For Supremacy

There is only one reason for placing one's self above another:   Desire for Supremacy. 

There are several reasons that humans desire supremacy, but only a few basic reasons, and they are all based in Group Dynamics. Without a group, there is no "Higher" or "Lower", so those who desire Supremacy also desire belonging, and fear being diminished or cast out.

Some basic reasons are: 

~Fear of being seen as "Lesser", and associated with those who are seen as "Lesser", and consequently being denied privileges, attention, and resources (because one has seen this happen and knows it to be a real threat).

~Craving to be associated with, seen as, and thought of as one of those who are Powerful, and therefore automatically cared for and liked by others.

~Craving for control over their environment and over other human beings.

~Fear of humiliation; if one's "Station" is at the top, then no other is allowed to point out their mistakes, failings, or flaws.

~Fear of being judged, ridiculed, or ostracized.

~Fear of being seen as weaker, less knowledgeable, less wise, less powerful, and less deserving, therefore being cast out. 

Humans who crave Supremacy (it's not a rare occurrence) will use absolutely anything to "prove" why they, personally, naturally "deserve" it. 

Some extremely common reasons that humans have used to try to claim natural Supremacy are:

~Ancestry

~Possessions

~Territory

~Religion

~Gender

~Body size

~Fighting skill

~Popularity 

~Certificates of education

~Poltical affiliation

~Vocation

~Any affiliation

Emotionally and mentally healthy human groups do not play games of status, power and control, and are focused on the genuine well-being of all members of the group in body, mind, and spirit.  Therefore the desire for Supremacy in such groups is minimal because there is no fear of denial of basic needs or rights, and no fear of favoritism, exclusion, or unfairness. Adults regularly mentor youth in a calm and caring manner, and members of the group exchange accurate, positive feedback on a continual basis. All members are treated as real members of the group. It is the "norm" for all members to be heard by all other members, and it is very abnormal for anyone to be left out, talked over, insulted, or shushed. 

The only "ostracism" that occurs, if it ever does, is when a member would purposely dominate and harm (physically, which includes sexually and mentally) another member (ANY other member). The occurrence of violent/criminal behavior within such a group is rare because there is continual healthy interaction, guidance, mentoring, caring, respect, and accurate, polite, healthy feedback., from all members, toward all members. 

This behavior is learned because it is modeled, and it is modeled because it is comprehended.

The strength of such a group is far beyond groups who are full of power struggles, envy, self-righteousness, hatred, and domination behavior. 

This strong and healthy dynamic does NOT begin on a governmental level, but on the most basic and personal level. It begins in the home, in intimate relationships, in the family, in the neighborhood, and in the community.  

 

My Party Is The Righteous Party

When we find ourselves using a Political Party, a religion, or any other group as a Clique, or a gang we might want to take a moment to reflect on our underlying emotional issues.

~Why am I seeking to fit in? What am I lacking?
~Why do I feel like I need to be recognized as a "member" of a larger group in order to feel respected and recognized?
~Who am I afraid of? Why do I fear being singled out and rejected? Who is it in my life who singles out and ostracizes people who don't agree with them?
~Do I avoid airing my own point of view for fear of embarrassment or humiliation?
~Do I actually believe that anyone who isn't in my Clique is a lesser kind of human being, and I, along with my fellow Clique members,  know all the answers and are categorically better?

( A Clique is a group where "we" are the "right/good/smart/better ones" and "they" are the "wrong/bad/dumb/lesser ones", and we have no interest in hearing "their" point of view, and reject those who don't belong to our Clique, who don't follow along with us and agree with us.) 

Home Is Where The Heart Is

You're already Home. And wherever you go, you are still Home. We all belong on this Earth, in this World, how can anyone not be Home, wherever they are?

He/She Won't Stand Up For Me

Beware of a friend or partner who does not stand up for you against the disrespect of others.

This is a red flag; it indicates either Narcissism, or it indicates Codependence. Obviously if they're a "Narc", they aren't standing up for you because they LIKE it when others disrespect you. They're just letting someone else do what they want to do, and are probably hoping they won't get noticed that they're not doing anything about it. However if they're Codependent, they may be so used to being surrounded by manipulative Controllers that they react to disrespectful or abusive behavior by sitting down and being quiet.
They may be conditioned to NOT stand up, because they fear reprisal, consequences, retaliation, and this fear may be the only reaction they have to domination and disrespect, especially toward someone else.
"Fight or flight" is not really a complete description of the instinctual reaction to a threat (which includes disrespectful speech and actions, such as treating a person like they don't exist or are "lesser"). "FREEZE" is the third component that is frequently left out. So it's really "Fight, Flight, or Freeze". When your friend, partner, or family member has the reaction of doing NOTHING when someone treats you with dishonor, and especially if this is accompanied by them wanting YOU to do absolutely nothing as well, they may be having this Freeze reaction.
They probably don't realize it's a "reaction", and will most likely rationalize their feelings and their desire for you to be quiet about whatever happened, saying things like "don't rock the boat", or "don't make a big deal out of it".
Actually, not doing anything IS what makes it a big deal. One does not need to have some kind of Histrionic Fit when standing up for someone against disrespect, and in most cases, direct confrontation is not even necessary. However, pretending no one noticed the behavior IS the same thing as condoning it and encouraging it.
Defending the disrespectful or abusive person is an even bigger flag that indicates either Narcissism or Codependence. Which one it is may take further observation, but acknowledge the flag and reinforce boundaries before making that distinction or taking any action. 
Further, the family member or friend who disrespects a person's partner, friend, relative or child IS showing domination behavior and disrespect to BOTH people, not just to one. The dishonor of the relationship between two other people is a very common behavior found in those with Narcissism, with or without another "co-morbid" disorder or mental illness. The reason is simply envy, and fear of losing influence and control over a person.

Narcissists will often try to destroy the relationship between someone they feel ownership toward, even if they aren't very "close" to that person, and a new person such as a love interest, or another family member.  

Their desire for control and ownership over others is part of their disorder, and they will do all kinds of things to prevent the loss of one of their possessions. They can't handle the fact that a person they feel like they own might have a relationship that might take them away, even for a moment, from their control. They also fear that this other relationship will expose them for what they are, and the object of their possession will realize they have been being manipulated for however long it's been.

The most common  incidence of this behavior can be seen when someone finds a new love interest that's apparently serious. The non-Narcissist friends and family will be happy for the couple, and try to get to know the new person, welcoming them and including them warmly. They will of course be interested in the person in a positive way, and they will try to make them feel comfortable.

Narcissistic "friends" and family members, however, will of course feel threatened by this new person. They will often try to drive out the new person with all kinds of behaviors that resemble childhood antics on a school playground, such as ignoring, making snide or sarcastic comments, trying to make them feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. The Narcissistic friend or family member will often try to make the person they feel like they "own" turn against their love interest by pointing out "flaws", by magnifying anything they can use as "flaws", by painting them to be a bad person who's out to hurt or use their "owned" person, by excluding them from activities and events but inviting their "owned" person, by setting up their "owned" person with other people or pointing out other people that would be "better" for them. Narcissistic friends and family members will especially do this if they are worried that the new person can see them for what they are. Unfortunately it often WORKS, because the person is so entrenched in this group and their behavior that they don't realize what's going on, and they can lose what would have been a fantastic relationship.

This same behavior can be seen among family members as well, and in platonic friendships. Anywhere that a Narcissistic person feels ownership and control over another person. Children often do this with adults, pets, and one another, however healthy children grow out of this stage. Those who develop Narcissism do not.

Those who have become acclimated to an abusive/ hostile/aggressive/manipulative environment, especially if they have been the target of direct abuse, can develop Codependence that looks a lot like Stockholme's syndrome, but on a broader level. WHOEVER the "bully" person is, that is who they will "respect", although it's not really respect, it's a conditioned response to Domination Signals. Fear of getting SEEN, of getting SINGLED OUT, of getting attacked, humiliated, slandered, ridiculed, LEFT OUT, etc. is what's really behind this "RESPECT", but this awareness has been buried by the subconscious. It can feel instead like security, acceptance, even like a parental relationship, or like acceptance as a member of an elite or exclusive club over time, so it can be very difficult for a person to break out of the mental conditioning. Atmospheres such as this are easily seen from the outside, and often heavily defended from the inside, including by those who are oppressed within it (Stockholme's Syndrome -like behavior).

In regions, societies and cultures where this is widespread, children often grow up to mimic the adults in some kind of "Hierarchy" that was created by this domination behavior, often originated by criminals and the domination-obsessed who sought control over others in past generations. Such children will become confused early on when they realize that either they, or those they care about deeply, are being treated with dishonor and disrespect for no valid reason. This confusion eventually, unfortunately, often gives way to the desire for acceptance by the group, which is common to most primates, and especially Humans. So if it means being accepted, one will often start to give in to getting treated as a sub-class being, as if they are secondary to others even in their own family.  Or they will give in to allowing others to treat those they care about and respect with this dishonor and disrespect by others, like they are a "lesser" being within the group (such as one of their parents, siblings, or friend; and later, their own child and their partner.)

This is tragic, obviously, but happens in many human cultures and societies all the time. It causes great consequences in the mental health of the entire group, and serious rifts between people. It destroys relationships and families from within, and it undermines the business economy, driving out good business and bringing in black market dealing, governmental corruption, street crime, and sex "trade". There is openly practiced prejudice in such areas, and a large incidence of nepotism and cronyism in business and government. Schools are directly impacted, and it shows dramatically in the performance and behavior of the students.

Unfortunately, the problem grows exponentially, sometimes until the region's economy is completely destroyed, or the rights of citizens are so imbalanced that the economy resembles a medieval kingdom with very wealthy on one hand and struggling serfs on the other, but nothing in between.

On a larger scale, this problem drastically slows real progress which is clearly demonstrated throughout history; the only things that seem to "progress" in such atmospheres are weaponry; other things creep along slowly, or actually slide backward. It may be difficult to make the connection between "social hierarchy" and halted scientific and civil progress, but that difficulty is actually a symptom and result of the same social conditioning, believe it or not. They are intrinsically intertwined.


(Modern examples of that halting progress are fuel, energy, and fuel efficient motors.)

For Shaaaame!!!

Narcissists will try to make you feel bad, ashamed, and guilty for doing ANYTHING AT ALL. They will try to make you feel like you did something wrong when you saved a starving puppy. They'll imply that you should feel silly about learning a new language. They'll try to shame you for working on a creative project. They'll cast a shadow on any interest, goal, talent, or activity you have or do. They'll imply that all your friendship and acquaintance connections have hidden agendas. They'll try to imply that you're "OUT OF LINE" when you do anything at all that's in the realm of confident or normal behavior, that's in the realm of participating in anything, that's in the realm of learning or accomplishing or achieving anything. They will try to turn your going to the movies into some kind of evidence that you are a "bad person" who can not be trusted, and should be shunned. They'll do it TO you, and ABOUT you to others. Their appetite for control and elevating their own image by trashing others is seemingly endless.

Why Some People Gossip

Why gossip? We humans gossip to deflect it from ourselves. If we are part of circles who gossip, we WILL become a target eventually, unless we find ways to deflect others looking at US, and how we do that is to point AWAY from ourselves, at someone else.

Gossipers are bent on maintaining their approval rating, just like people in the media, and just like politicians, they will use smearing for this purpose.
"Did you see what SHE did? Did you hear what HE did?! Look how he's dressed! Look at her car! Look at that hair! Does he/she even have a JOB?"

Projection usually plays a large part in Gossip dynamics. The person who is judging herself, or feels inadequate, for her housework is the one who is going to gossip about the housework of someone else. The person who is fixated on sex is the one who is going to think about and talk about the sex life of someone else.

Deflecting the judgments of others onto someone else keeps that same judgmental focus off of one's self. When we are the one pointing the finger (away from ourselves, AT someone else), we also give the impression that we are ENTITLED to be one of the finger-pointers, and therefore that we are "above" and one of the "authority people".

Gossipers HATE IT when people talk about gossip and negativity, or stand up against it, because they are heavily invested in keeping blame and negative judgment OFF of themselves. They may be terrified of being seen in a negative light, because they more than anyone are aware of how much harm gossip, slander, and ostracism can cause to a target's life; they don't want to be a target for anything.

There is one main reason people choose a specific person to gossip about; because they're an easier target. Those who are already treated with disdain or disrespect by others for petty reasons, those who others harbor envy toward, those who have already been slandered, and those who are isolated, natural loners, or who simply don't seem to have a large support network due to any reason at all (family lives in another town, friends have moved away, their supports have died, whatever) are easy targets. People who live in another area away from the gossip group are also easy targets.

The gossiper tests the water first to see how their criticism of this person will be accepted. If they find that others also harbor envy and/or disdain toward the person (picture the "fat kid" in school, or the "nerd/smart kid", or the "ugly girl", or the "rich kid" or "poor kid", etc.), they'll continue with their smear campaign, embellishing more and more, trying to provoke an emotional response from listeners. They know they've succeeded when the listener starts agreeing with them, going down the same slander road.

The process is not difficult at all, most of us do the same thing on some level, with all kinds different topics. Sales people often disparage another product to make their own seem more valuable, pointing out the "flaws" of the other product but hiding the flaws in their own. We even point out "flaws" in our own lives to explain why we changed something, such as saying how we "had to" get another car because the other one was flawed in some way (this may or may not be true, but we tend to make a point of saying it whether or not the person asks; we're probably afraid of being judged for buying a new car, ESPECIALLY if we live in a Gossipy area.)

Disparaging others in order to elevate ourselves, either to their face or behind their back, or both, is unfortunately commonly human, as is picking one's nose, eating too much, over-spending, passing gas, and ignoring the real plights of others. One of these things can't be stopped, but can be controlled. The rest of them don't need to happen at all, we choose to do them, which is the same thing as when we don't stop ourselves from doing them. (We can't "help" gas, but we can go in the bathroom. We CAN "help" doing the rest of those things.)

An extra note about gossip, those who do it seem to believe that everyone does it, and that those who don't simply just aren't one of the "in crowd" people, or they're "shy" or have "low self esteem". Those who don't gossip are much more aware of reality, and are much less likely to disparage YOU, or anyone else, because they are not worried about being accepted by the "crowd". They don't gain their sef-confidence from getting a feeling of acceptance or approval from other people, especially from those who disparage others.

Haunted Zain On Abuse Recovery

Healing Recovery But Fewer Friends

A lot of people ask this question:
"How come the healthier I get, the more I recover, the less people seem to like me or want to be my friend?"
If you are, in fact, getting healthier, then your non-verbal communication is changing.
If you are living and working in a region or group that has a large incidence of emotional or mental unhealthiness, then anyone with stronger inner confidence and healthier boundaries will be avoided, even shunned or targeted for gossip.
Why? Because people who live in chaotic or controlling environments don't like those who aren't participating in the game, who aren't submitting to the illusory hierarchy they try to create, who aren't jumping to respond to their social signals. If you aren't acting submissive to the ones who want to be seen as "tough", "powerful", or "leaders", they won't like you. If you aren't fawning over the ones who want to be seen as "Great" or "Beautiful", or "Handsome", they won't like you. If you are not participating in bullying, corruption, or gossip, they won't like you, and if you stand up against any of that, they really won't like you.
It doesn't take much beyond simply not responding to their non-verbal social cues. If you look uninterested in the game they're playing, whichever game it is, they won't want you around.

EXACTLY like... children who don't want their teacher (non-PD teacher) around when they're not playing by the rules, or when they're picking on other kids.

You're "wrecking" their game with your calm and confident demeanor because you aren't following the group~ you don't give extra attention or admiration to the "Cool Kid" in the group, you don't follow the "Leader Kid" in the group, and you aren't picking on the "dumb" or "crazy" or "Loser Kid" in the group, you aren't displaying pity or martyring yourself for the "Martyr Kid" in the group, and you are not allowing anyone to put one of those labels on you. You just treat everyone with the same respect and care as human beings, and your non-verbal cues show that you expect them to do the same. You are showing that you aren't interested in playing the social games. But they are, so they don't want you around if they can't MAKE you play (they will try at first, but then they'll just reject you when it doesn't work).

The only way they will "be your friends again" is if you let them make up the rules, and you play their game.

The good news is, you aren't inside of the game, so you can live your real life. 

 

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How to Use Body Language to Repel Toxic People – A Blog About Toxic and Non-Toxic People

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