Miley Cyrus and the Price of Success

First they trash her because she's a child-idol (oh what a great reason to trash someone)... then they trash her because "she only made it because of her father"... now they trash her because of her performance with the "twerking" and Robin Thicke, and she had black back up singers. So...wait, let me get this straight:  Miley Cyrus apparently controls Robin Thicke, no other humans were involved in her wardrobe or choreography, and she also made those women be her background back up singers against their will, probably didn't even pay them... in fact, she probably orchestrated the entire show and threatened Robin Thicke to force him to participate. Heck she's probably not even a HUMAN! No REAL human has blue eyes like that, and a body like that... She's one of those robots that aliens sent here, like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera, and Brittany Spears, isn't she?! Adele isn't one, because no one made her dance (I mean... she didn't MAKE ANYONE LET HER dance.) But that doesn't explain why Taylor Swift gets unnecessary negativity...  Oh wait... or could it be... nahh, it couldn't. Humans aren't petty, envious, self-righteous, prejudice, or hateful! I mean they would NEVER judge one person MORE than they judge another, just because of their ancestry, gender, or their body type! Would they??? It COULDN'T be because they're all thin, white, and blondish, could it? NO! And definitely not because they're female... Everyone treats thin, young blonde women like "one of the guys", no one EVER trashes them, leaves them out of their cliques, makes fun of them, singles them out, or tries to turn people against them. Ever! They never, ever walk into a room and get whispered about by total strangers, or sneered at right to their face, or stepped in front of on purpose, or bumped into just to show little hissy "monkey dominance", no one EVER treats them like their automatically spoiled brats solely based on the way they look! EVER!
Everything that happens to them is ALWAYS their fault! Their fault, their fault, THEIR FAULT! No one else's... that poor, poor Robin Thicke... I wonder what she put him through... we should all feel pity for the poor boy, and for those poor back up singers too... it's not like they EARNED those spots or anything, it's not like they WANTED to sing back-up on a National Stage and get their hard-earned vocals HEARD. Nope, it's all Miley's fault, let's focus just on trashing her, isn't that what life's all about?
Oh and one more thing... speaking on behalf of female humans, you don't get to complain about "racial unfairness", using it as some kind of catapult for your career, if your REALITY is sexism and racial prejudice. If you don't have true respect and equality in your head and heart, and you're treating some people like they're lower than you when you think no one else can hear you, then SHUT UP. Get off the stage. There's not even any such thing as "race", look it up (in the SCIENCE journals). Anyone who really wants peace and equality doesn't DIVIDE people just so they can drum up business for themselves. (Oh it's all show biz, isn't it?! So it's show biz when YOU'RE doing it, but not when MILEY is doing it... riiiiight...)  Supporting the back-up singers would have a lot more talk about THEM as SINGERS in it, with some dignity, and they deserve it.     

Everyone is "so disgusted" with that performance... So, what exactly has everyone been watching and listening to all these years? Mr. Rogers? Yep. So which HBO show is your favorite...? No HBO? Which reality show, which soap opera, which porn site, which rap song, rock song, dance song, strip club, Hooter's, etc, etcetera, ETCETERA, AD NAUSEUM. 
You gotta be kidding me.  
 
Hypocrisy at its most ridiculous. 
I've been disgusted for years. I just don't pick and choose ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE to be "disgusted" by, and just ignore what people I PERSONALLY LIKE are doing, and pretend they're pure as the Driven Snow...

Why Do They Call It Malignant Narcissism

Why do they call it "Malignant Narcissism"?
Watch "The Crucible"
Read history.
Pay closer attention to how and why people listen to one person but not another, how they treat one person better than another.
Read about Hitler and his buddies.
Read about Genghis Khan.
Pay closer attention to the news.
Read about Charles Manson and Jim Jones.
Pay closer attention to the contradictions in what Politicians say, and what they do.
Watch "The Sopranos"
Watch "Survivor"

Read about Jesus Christ.

Read about Hypatia.
Make the connections, match the similarities, see the patterns.
Be careful about knee-jerk-defending everything you like and identify with, and look at it more objectively.
Read the actual lyrics of the songs that you've been listening to your whole life.
Look how easily people will turn on one another in order to follow someone they don't even know, like a politician, or a religious leader, or an anti-religious leader.
Look how easily people will turn on their friends and family or scapegoat one of them in order to feel superior, or to gain or keep something else for themselves, whether material or otherwise.
Look how easily people will turn on one another, period.
Pay closer attention to how so many just go along with negative implications, slander, and malicious rumors about others, but rarely stand up for others being targeted, nor seek any facts out for themselves.
Read or watch "Snow White" and "Cinderella".
Watch and hear what people do and say when someone brings up the subject.
Pay attention to how easily people will condemn others, and how often they will try to turn others completely against another person.

Pay closer attention, period. It can happen to anyone, at any time, for no reason at all except something gone sideways in a "Narcissist"'s head.

Awareness and genuine maturity are the only effective "weapons" against it; without those, we are sitting ducks. Most people don't take it seriously because they don't want to face the uncomfortable reality, so they make fun of it, or pretend it's not "really real", or that it happens "somewhere else", and that's exactly why it has repeated itself throughout history, and will keep repeating as long as humans keep hiding themselves from themselves.

Not One Of THOSE People: Projection And Deflection

Judgment and name-calling is usually really just deflection and projection. The person who's afraid to be judged as a "loser" is the one who goes around calling other people "losers", the person who's afraid he or she is going to be called a "slut" goes around calling other people "whore". The person who's always trying to get out of work, who wants to be rich so he or she can sit on the beach all day or play with his/her toys is the one going around calling other people "lazy" and "shiftless". The person who secretly wants to be included in the "popular" or "rich crowd" is the one going around calling everyone who seems well-off or confident "stuck-up". The person who wants to be known as an "Intellectual" and is worried they fall short is the one calling anyone who seems intelligent "crazy" or "stupid". The person who desires control and power is the one who accuses anyone who doesn't put up with their BULLYING of being a control freak. The person who wants to be seen as a Great Artist or a Great Musician but is worried that they don't really have what it takes is the one going around calling other artists and musicians "incompetent" or "lame". The one who is secretly worried that they're the one who's crazy is the one going around calling other people (or a target person) crazy. The person who's fixated on worrying that they're going to be seen as physically weak is the one who is always trying to prove that someone else is physically weaker than they are. The person who's trying to prove their own competence and intelligence because they're afraid of being out-shined is the one who parades their degrees and certificates as "proof" of their intelligence, and tries to diminish anyone who doesn't possess the same certification.
Etc.
Where this comes from is often the environment the person has been living in, or was raised in; either family members, or the community, or both. A child who is exposed all the time to adults who do this judging, deflecting and projecting is of course going to be affected in some way, usually involving self-doubt, and fear of being the one who's being "judged" and "shamed". The child learns that whoever is not on the "right side" of these adults is a walking target. And that can change at a moment's notice, all it takes is for one of them to feel slightly envious or intimidated, or even a slight ego-boost, and they're off to the Gossip Races.
So the child, in their seeking ways to survive, may pick up the same habit of DEFLECTION and PROJECTION. When they feel like they've done something that could make them a target of gossip, like being late for work habitually, for example, the shame they feel acts as a trigger for deflection, and so they look for someone else to POINT AT, so everyone looks at that other person and not them.
My personal favorite that I've heard many times here in New England, where we have 2 large casinos and a few smaller ones, is when a person will go on and on about how they don't gamble, how they're not "one of those gambler people", how they stay away from "those places", but then they follow it with: "But give me a (insert illegal drug here) any day!"
They KNOW, subconsciously, that they are pointing at other people and grouping them together as "bad" in order to deflect that judgment that they feel about THEMSELVES, otherwise they wouldn't have connected the two. That's how they are able to rationalize doing illegal drugs~ "Look at THOSE people, they're "bad", I'm not one of them... therefore whatever I do is innocent".
The other thing the same people will do is talk about how they do one drug but NOT this OTHER drug.. because only "bad" people do that other drug.
You can find examples of this deflection/projection habit all over the place in regions where people FEAR (consciously or unconsciously) that they're going to be the next one JUDGED and SHAMED, and therefore REJECTED, SLANDERED, and/or OSTRACIZED. (In some even more severely dysfunctional groups, even physically attacked or killed).
The effect is exponential; the more people there are who do it, the more people there are who learn to do it out of self-preservation, and then it becomes a behavioral habit just like the others. The effects of it on the community are very far-reaching and damaging. Entire societies have been decimated as a result of this behavior becoming "normalized".
The only way to stop the cycle is for individuals to simply stop doing it, and teach their children not to participate in this behavior, and why it's wrong. Unfortunately few are strong enough to endure the difficulty that comes with standing on one's own feet in a community that is constantly throwing stones; one must endure getting stones thrown at them and not throw any back, so the dysfunction just continues until the entire community dissolves in a cesspool of corruption, hostility, and crime.
There are many stories, parables, fables, films, and even Twilight Zone and Outer Limits episodes illustrating this very well, but very few seem to grasp the message.

Social Media Pros or Cons?

One of the positive things the Media and Social Media has accomplished is waking so many people up to the fact that they're not insignificant peasants without a voice and without personal power. One of the negative things the Media has accomplished is also waking people up to this fact, because it turns out that quite a lot of people were treating others with civility because they thought they "HAD TO" or some giant shame fist would pound them from the sky. Now that they feel "empowered", they have no "reason" to be respectful toward others, because they found out they have nothing to fear. Most only treat those with "respect" who they think might punch them out if they don't, or those who they want attention and approval from. So instead of adding goodness to the world, they're increasing the lowest common denominator. 

Hope it's a phase...

Forms of Sabotage And Domination

 Forms of Sabotage And Domination
Some common subtle and obvious forms of sabotage and domination displays*:

> frequently interrupting a person while they're working, practicing, or concentrating on something.

> frequently interrupting a person and pulling them away from what they're doing for any number of "reasons"

> inserting one's self into a task or project a target person is working on, without being asked, either physically or verbally

> trying to take over another person's project or task; trying to insert one's self as "Leader" in another person's project or task; trying to "direct" another person's project or task from the sidelines

> playing up the experience, talent, and ability of someone ELSE in order to diminish and dismiss the experience, talent, and ability of a target person, in both group settings and one on one; playing up the physical strength and/or "toughness" of someone ELSE in order to diminish and dismiss both in a target person

 > inviting a target to be part of a project, but then treating them as if they aren't a "real member" of the team, or aren't really wanted or welcome, and aren't worthy of common respect

> making remarks that imply "flaws" about a target person, either physical, mental, or emotional, in order to diminish them and elevate themselves, often in front of others
(this is usually done by making up "flaws" where none actually exist, for instance turning a person's slenderness into a "flaw", or their freckles, or their larger or smaller height or build, or their teeth, their hair, even their higher level of talent or skill)

> purposely doling out to a target person smaller versions and portions of food, supplies, resources, and tools than themselves or others

> frequently interrupting target person's concentration by making noises, moving things around, playing music, making louder than necessary noises while working nearby, and talking loudly near a target's work space

> every time a target goes to do something, a request or demand is made of them

> every time a target is getting ready for something, such as going to work, getting ready for a class, or going to a social event, they are bombarded with suggestions, corrections, or warnings
(key word is "bombarded", key phrase "every time"; giving the occasional suggestion or warning, or telling them they missed a button or forget their wallet or that there's a stain on their shirt when they're going somewhere important is healthy and normal relating. When it's done more than absolutely necessary, it becomes "infantalizing"; treating a person like they're incompetent in order to gain/keep power over them, and can cause serious problems for the person)

> frequently denying and/or diminishing ideas, requests, or plans that a target makes; agreeing to ideas, requests, or plans, and then canceling, changing them, or simply not showing up, with no remorse

> making requests of another person for assistance or a job and then blowing them off or hiring someone else without saying anything

> purposely hiring someone else for something in order to diminish and dismiss the skill, experience, or talent of a target person

> using another person's work for one's own project but withholding recognition, credit, or payment; claiming it as one's own

> purposely asking the advice, expertise, and assistance of someone other than the target person, and NOT the target person, especially about things that the target is skilled and experienced in, while the target is present

> denying simple and reasonable requests made by a target; acting as if the target's appropriate requests are huge burdens and very unreasonable

> making a large number of requests for assistance, often so many that the target is kept from getting his or her own tasks done; demanding more and more of the target's time so they can't get any of their own needs, goals or desires met that don't serve the other (Controller) person

> making louder than necessary noises when it is known that others are sleeping, resting, or doing something that requires a quiet atmosphere

> physically stepping in front of another person; stepping between two people in order to redirect the attention of one of them away from the other and onto one's self

> actually answering the question asked of another person, and interrupting/talking over them to do it

> trying to gain the sexual attention of a person (by using flirting, body display, ego stroking, or other covert means) when they are known to be in a couple, on a date, or in a committed relationship.

> invading the personal space of another person; uninvited touching of another person; "nit-picking" (always picking lint, rearranging hair, 'spit-cleaning' another person's face, etc., especially when obviously not welcomed, and even moreso when the relationship is not close)

> talking over another person; constantly correcting and interrupting; talking every time the other person starts to speak

> condescension; extreme over-explaining; evasion of answering questions; refusal to give direct, polite answers

> unsolicited, unasked for "advice" and "instruction"; giving "advice" or "instruction" that's not actually informative but is simply insulting.

> making comments that imply that the target is a novice, physically weak, a beginner, incapable, or inept, often rationalized as "kidding around"

> behaving as if a person is "invisible", doesn't exist, or is "lower status", especially while they're standing right there; obviously leaving them out of introductions and conversation, not responding to their conversation or greeting; responding disrespectfully or rudely

> purposely blocking access to resources, certain work, education in certain areas

> purposely modifying education and work so that a target receives less education and information than another; must do more or more difficult or tedious work than another for the same pay; has to endure more hostility and less benefit than another

> messing with electric supply, water supply, or sabotaging or stealing tools, supplies, or equipment in order to sabotage a target's project or task

> damaging, destroying, or hiding a target person's finished or unfinished work



*many of these sabotage and domination displays are the same as Chimpanzee behavior; some are exactly the same, while others have been modified because of things such as spoken language, clothing and technology. They are often "covered up" and rationalized by humans because they don't want to be caught doing something that is considered a violation of rights, that's criminal, or will expose their real motivations and intentions.

Both humans and Chimpanzees receive neurochemical charge from dominance displays.
Chimpanzee survival depends on their hierarchy mostly because other Chimpanzee troupes will try to dominate and take over their territory; Bonobos, who are also Chimpanzees, do not display the same extreme hierarchy displays and survive just fine, maintaining a peaceful atmosphere, and enjoying friendships and group activities.
Apparently both Chimpanzees and Humans who are fixated on gaining dominance over others are simply addicted to the neurochemical charge they get from it.
Humans who are apparently addicted will, like any other addict, defend the "reasons" why dominance and hierarchy are "important", but they're the only ones defending it; those who know how to cooperate, negotiate, compromise and share, who make a lot of progress and are solution-oriented don't defend domination or "hierarchy", and don't seek it.

Children Rebel and Reject Guidance

Children, younger and older, are going to reject guidance and rebel against their parents, teachers, and other adults. It's what they do, they're real people who are growing up. They need the adults around them to be consistent, show them what healthy living and values are by doing them, not just telling them. Kids learn to respect others by watching adults respect one another, and they learn to respect themselves by watching adults respect themselves, and them. They learn from the adults around them how to deal with conflict and find solutions, how to keep believing in themselves regardless of what happens, how to treat others well and why it's important, how to deal with negative people, how to keep going toward their goals and not keep giving up and why there are great reasons to embrace and love this life we have each been blessed with.

They need adults around them who make happy, strong, and peaceful mentors. Who are stronger than their fears, their anger, and their anxiety, who hold the fort, who are always a safe place to fall, and who keep their own boundaries and parameters healthy and intact.

They need adults around them who are stronger than the chaos and negativity outside the front door, and who will teach them to keep their own true identity, good humor, caring heart and creativity as they teach them to be self-disciplined, vigilant, and strong.
 
We need to be better than we really are, we need to try harder than we feel like it to be better human beings who are not living inside of our own emotional, anxiety, and control issues if we want our kids to learn how to be consistent, strong adults who know what good values and ethics are, why they're important, and how to navigate the world with all the different people in it.
Funny how we forget so quickly when we reach adulthood how the adults around us really made us feel when we were growing up, and how they each actually affected us for good or ill. Just because we looked up to someone doesn't mean they were a good influence, and vice versa. What definitely happened, though, was that they affected and influenced us, it's how we're made. Our subconscious knows the difference even if our conscious mind denies it.




~M.M.Black 2013

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers (every time)

Controller: "What do you feel like for supper? Anything you want!"
Target: "Italian food!"
Controller: "How about Mexican."

C: "What kind of bird is that?"
T: "It's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "No it's not, it's some kind of pigeon."
T: "No, it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "Whatever. Looks like a pigeon to me."

C: "Which singer do you like the best?"
T: "Steve Perry"
C: "Oh he sucks, and he's overrated. Robert Plant is way better."
T: "Also Whitney Houston"
C: "She was a druggie, I didn't like her voice, too squeaky."

C: "Where do you want to meet?"
T: "At the mall"
C: "How about at the commuter parking lot."
T: "Okay, we'll meet at the commuter parking lot."
C: "Let's meet at McDonald's"

C: "Which kind of donut do you want?"
T: "Boston Creme"
C: "Really? Why don't you want a jelly, they're better"

C: "Did you see the weather report?"
T: "They said it's going to rain."
C: "No, it's going to be nice out all day, see how the clouds are?"
T: "I don't know, that's what the report said, go look at the radar."
C: "No I don't need to look at the radar, I can tell by the sky."

C: "Want to go to the park tomorrow?"
T: "Sure! What time do you want to go?"
C: "Well I might have to work, and then I have to mow the lawn, and then I'm stopping at my friend's house. I'll let you know when I'm done."

It's all about CONTROL, control, control, and keeping control. The actual activities and information are not the real focus, and aren't important. The exchanges are just tactics to establish, maintain and reaffirm control.

One-Way-Communication: Narcissist Flag

Narcissist Flag, One-Way-Communication



Talking at length about bad things or good things that happened to them (relatively "normal")... seeking support, comfort, positive feedback, or celebration (completely "normal")...  making observations and information statements (pretty "normal").
All pretty normal; might seem a bit verbose, but that's not "Narcissism", that can just be personal communication style, even a family or regional communication style.
~
The Narc. part is in their response when the OTHER person shares THEIR good things or bad things that have happened to them, or makes observational or informational statements.
~
Talking about one's self, one's own experiences, or making observational statements during a conversation with a Narcissist means only one thing: the Narcissist is no longer in the spotlight, the direction of attention has SWITCHED from being on THEM to being on the OTHER PERSON. So the responses from them will range from invalidation to personal insults, to head-nodding, condescension, to unsolicited advice*, to countering, to talking over the person, to complete silence and total NON-response. Sometimes they aren't even listening at ALL, they are just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.

~
Basically the only time during the conversation the Narcissist is being "nice" is when the other person is behaving like an audience: a cheerleader, a sympathetic ear, a novice beginner  who believes everything they say and has zero knowledge or experience of their own, a sycophant who hangs on their every word with no input or talent of their own.

*(unsolicited advice: the person did NOT ask for advice nor gave consent to hear any, but here it comes anyway, often condescending and presumptuous)

~
Narcissists seek "audience members", not reciprocal friendships. They seek compassion and sympathy from others, but not as peers, more like as parents who will cradle a favored child and protect them from the other "bad" siblings, or as a teacher who favors one of their students against the other "bad" students. In making observations and information statements, they fancy themselves "teachers", "experts", "Ones Who Have Arrived".

Therefore~ when their Audience Member starts telling something good that happened to them, or things they've accomplished or experienced, the Narcissist gets annoyed~ they're not supposed to be in the spotlight, they're supposed to stay down in the audience! How selfish of them to try to STEAL the spotlight!

When their sympathetic ear, shoulder, and cradle starts to tell about a painful or frustrating experience, or something they're sad about, the Narcissist again gets annoyed~ they're supposed to STAY in that listener/sympathizer role because NOTHING in their lives could EVER BE as bad as what the Narcissist has been through or is dealing with, they MUST BE making a huge deal out of nothing, and really need to grow a thicker skin, and stop being so pathetic, and stop trying to get sympathy...!!! (And stop talking about things the Narcissist has done to others... but that doesn't get announced out loud...)

When their novice beginner student displays some kind of "knowledge" or "experience", that means the Narcissist has to SWITCH ROLES and get off his or her Podium, which will not do. The Narcissist HAS TO BE the "Teacher", the "Expert", the "One Who Knows MORE", "The One Who Has More Experience or Skill". (That's why they TROLL, condescend, and constantly counter other people's blogs and posts.)  They can't just join a conversation and ADD their own point of view or experiences, or answer a question without condescension or insult; they have to say the person is "wrong" or "stupid".
(It's not Narcissism just because we disagree with someone politely, or when we stand up against someone who is spewing hate speech. It is Narcissism when a person is trying to hammer another person down or humiliate them because they want to be seen as "right".)

Who Is The Narcissist?

Ironically, Narcissists will accuse another person of being  narcissistic, self-centered, or arrogant when the other person doesn't agree with everything they say, even if it's about them personally, such as "your favorite color is green" or "you like seafood" or "you are angry because..." or "you aren't good at..." or "you don't know much about...". They will also accuse them of narcissism or arrogance when they don't put up with their countering and personal insults during a conversation. They seem oblivious to their hostile behavior and disrespectful treatment, and they don't seem to know how to share their own point of view or observations WITHOUT saying the other person is "wrong". They seem to think that if they have another point of view or additional experience, it means that anything outside of that is "incorrect". (If two people climbed the same mountain on opposite sides and one of them was a Narcissist, when they reported their different experiences, the Narcissist's experience would be the one that was "right", and the other's would be "wrong", and the Narcissist would really believe that to be so. They would counter the other person's account of their climb experience, and possibly even accuse them of making things up that didn't match the Narcissist's perception. They can't ADD the two experiences together, and can't conceive that someone knows something they don't, or has experienced something that they have not. it has to be "right" or "wrong". The exception to this is with a person they have placed on a pedestal as a superhuman "expert/guru" who is above everyone (in their minds). They will keep them on that pedestal and probably try to be associated with them and/or mimic them, ... unless they get to know them personally, and then that person will become a target as well eventually.)

Truly Superior

Perhaps the number one thing to keep in mind about Narcissists is that they honestly, literally, fully believe that they are BETTER THAN YOU. As in categorically. They believe they are a superior KIND of human being, and you're NOT. You are not one of them, you're just not, and you never will be (in their minds).
Why do they talk to you, then?

Well you might be a relative, so they're "stuck" with you, but you can see their disdain by the way they don't invite you to things, or constantly criticize and correct you, or leave you out of conversations and decisions, or treat you like you're incompetent, unstable, or just not good enough.
They might have mistaken you for one of THEM when they first met you, so they wanted to hook up with you and rule the world (according to THEIR plans, of course).
They might see you as a way to improve their IMAGE by association with you.
They might want to own you, like a pet, or a slave.
They might be fixated on having sex with you.
They might only talk to you when there's no one else around.
They might want something you have, anything at all, from money, to your car, your house, your family, your career, your reputation, your "power" (if they think you have some). It could even be your dog, or your friends; who knows.
They might want to get into places and associate with people that you have access to.
They might want to be YOUR "sidekick", and for you to be their "protector", parent, caretaker, bodyguard, provider.



~(If a Narcissist is reading this post right now, their reaction will most likely be eye-rolling or some kind of invalidation like "Oh brother, who cares?!", or defensive justification of the behavior they recognize like "Everyone does that!" or "Some people really ARE 'losers'!", or they'll adamantly deny they do any of these things, or ever have even come close to doing any of them, and could never, ever, ever, and anyone who does do them is EVIL and should be burned at the stake, or completely insane and should be locked away forever (deflection/projection/extreme reaction/lack of objectivity or empathy).)

Lack Of Self Control and Narcissism

If you can picture something you have a "weakness" for~ such as chocolate, or other sweets~ when you pass by the cookie tray, you know you "shouldn't", but you take one anyway. Same with other things, like breaking certain rules even though we know better, like turning right on red at a light that says "No Right On Red", or speeding, or bringing candy to the movie theater.

Now apply this "weakness" and "rule breaking" habits to relationships with PEOPLE. That's how Narcissists think.

"Well it's just one cookie".... Well, it's just one dance, just one sexually charged embrace, just one kiss, just one french kiss, just one bodily fluid exchange... no big DEAL... (as long as they get away with it... no one's going to find out, right? No harm no foul? What they don't know won't hurt them?...)

"The cashier didn't charge me for those socks, well it's just a couple of dollars".... Well, I didn't pay her back the money she loaned me, but I will eventually, when I get around to it, when I get some extra money, when I have nothing I want to buy for myself, it's just a few thousand dollars...

"It's normal not to tell your partner every little detail of your life when you're apart, you don't have to tell them every single thing"... Umm... I didn't tell you about buying the boat because I didn't think you'd mind... Umm... I didn't tell you about the party because you don't like that kind of thing.... Umm... I didn't tell you about the vacation with my "buddies" because, umm, you probably wouldn't want to go anyway... Uhh.. I didn't tell you about going to the bar with her/him because you don't really like that kind of atmosphere... Oh, I didn't tell you about the school play because I figured you'd be busy...

Because of their poor self-control and weak boundaries, many Narcissists become habitual liars in continuous covering up of their behaviors. They can become so habitual that they lose their awareness of the act of lying and fabrication, and end up living in a world of delusion that they fully expect others to SWALLOW. Amazingly, if someone does NOT swallow their Tall Tales, and even if they have irrefutable proof and several witnesses, the Narcissist will become ANGRY AT THEM. It's as if the non-believer is doing a HOSTILE DEED to them by "bursting their bubble", destroying their illusion. There is NO remorse for the trouble, disaster, and often devastation they have caused, their only emotion is about getting caught, and getting called out.

For Therapists and Recovery Seekers On Narcissism

This article by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT summarizes the condition of Narcissism and the effects that a Narcissist has on a close target, especially over time (child. partner). Gudrun mentions "mirror neurons" at the end of this well-written post, and explains briefly the large benefit a good therapist can give to a patient simply by paying attention to their inner self.
IMO, this subject can not be spoken of enough, and frankly is not talked about nearly enough. A person who has endured close "relationships" with Narcissists have been given skewed feedback, false feedback, or zero feedback, often over a very lengthy period of time. A child growing up in a Narcissist dynamic, (for example if one parent is a "Narcissist", or both, or other relatives are, or there is an ongoing situation such as severe illness that distracts the adults from raising the child properly, etc) has been given little or no accurate or positive feedback for a very long time.
Accurate and positive feedback are essential for ANY person to develop properly. It's much like playing catch with a person who either catches when you throw and then throws it back to you in the same friendly, calm manner, compared to playing catch with a person who isn't paying attention when you throw it half the time, or stands there with their glove on but their back turned, or feigns missing the ball in order to make it appear that you can't throw it straight, or misses it and blames you for throwing it "wrong", or catches it and whips it back very hard at you, or regularly throws it over your head and laughs or shakes their head.
After living in the second scenario for a very long time, a therapist who actually treats the patient with genuine respect, empathy, and accurate feedback, who does not condescend, who does not have a superiority complex, who does not see a patient as "lower" than themselves can, in itself, be one of the most effective healing "salves" there is. Being treated like a REAL person who belongs on Planet Earth, who's not some kind of insignificant person, who has a regular working brain in their head, who's ideas and words are actually HEARD and UNDERSTOOD by the another person (the therapist) and not judged, dissected, spat back out and used as evidence for their "instability" or "unworthiness" is what every human being needs and deserves. Targets of Narcissists have not received this basic respectful treatment that most others take for granted, and have been conditioned to believe, using skewed feedback, that they others PERCEIVE THEM AS less worthy, less intelligent, less capable, and undeserving of a normal (nevermind good) life. How much they have bought into this projection of unworthiness and incapability that has been thrust at them for so long is unique to the individual, and must be worked through over time. However accurate and positive feedback is essential to this process (which does not include attitudes of "I call it like I see it" on the part of the therapist... the patient has had quite enough of cold, unempathetic, arrogant, ego-based "tough love", don't you think?)  
Be sincerely respectful, be genuinely interested, treat them with true integrity the way you would treat a colleague you admire if they came in for a therapy session, or don't treat them at all. And if you don't understand that statement, or why it's important, then you need to find out, and quickly, if you want to be an effective therapist who actually helps clients heal.

Click anywhere below for the article: 

http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_17.shtml

Narcissism and Co-Narcissism

by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT More than anything else in my almost 20-year practice of psychotherapy, I have found that parental narcissism and the resulting lack of empathy and attunement with the child is what brings people into psychotherapy later as adults. In order to survive a narcissistic parent, children learn to tune out their own vulnerability, their own needs, and their own emotional world that would direct them toward their needs. Children learn to be close to the parent by either imitating the narcissistic parent and becoming like him or her (a narcissist), or by tuning into the parent's bottomless need for positive self-reflection (co-narcissist). Children who have adopted the latter survival mechanism will later on in life choose other narcissists or other people with strong narcissistic tendencies to bond with in order to fulfill

Narcissism and Dismissing Causality

One of the things that is either difficult, or uninteresting, for most Narcissists (but not necessarily sociopaths) is the concept of Cause and Effect, or Causality.
Why this is so may be a combination of things, from a lack of instant gratification and supply, to avoidance and denial, to simple boredom, to cognitive confusion and discomfort.
Finding out why and how things really happen may seem like a waste of time and energy to them, or may just be too confusing. 




The Narcissist does not want to know why their partner was late, and it's never a good enough reason anyway~ they are just angry that he or she was late, and now they feel uncomfortable. The "why" their partner was late is irrelevant to them because it didn't happen TO THEM. The "why" they now feel uncomfortable and angry is also uninteresting (or confusing), and therefore in the "avoid exploring" category.

The Narcissist does not care about the reason their partner or child is upset, he or she is just annoyed that this "mood swing" is "wrecking" their personal atmosphere and expectations. 


The Narcissist doesn't care about why their relative is having trouble with depression, it's just assumed that they're "crazy", and must be either hidden from others finding out, or the relative must be smeared/slandered so no one thinks the Narcissist is anything like them ("crazy"...).  (Narcissists will do this even if they know full well that the relative suffered trauma, neglect, or abuse, and even moreso if the Narc. was one of the perpetrators).

The Narcissist does not care about the bakery staff who makes the elaborate cake for their celebration, or the painstaking process, or the hundreds of things that could go wrong in that process or on the way to the event.

The Narcissist does not care how much work the artist put into a painting, how long it took, how much process was involved, or how difficult it actually would be for HIM or HER to do such work; the only thing that enters their mind is whether they like it or not personally~ which they interpret as objective fact. (The other thing that might enter their mind is envy toward the artist.)

The Narcissist does not care how or why a person is not as financially successful as he or she is~ they just ASSUME that they aren't because they're a "lower" kind of person; they're not as smart or capable. Finding out about the actual life events the person has lived through is completely uninteresting to them, and they will dismiss it all anyway, favoring their "loser" theory. (Funny how they don't apply this to themselves when someone else is more successful than they are~)


The Narcissist who is not successful assumes that those who are wealthy, successful, or educated were all just born into it, that they did nothing to earn it or keep it, that they did nothing to earn anything they have or have achieved. They just ARE the 'wealthy/educated KIND of people", and they don't "deserve" what they have. (But apparently the Narcissist would deserve it if he or she had that wealth or success~ apparently he or she would be the only one who deserved it, since no one else does who already has it...)

The Narcissist does not even apply causality to themselves; not in a realistic way, anyway. They will often ignore, dismiss, and delete most of the help and support they received from others while reaching a goal, and actually believe that they did it ALL themselves, every step of the way. Learning new skills and information also reflects this glitch in their processing; they will learn a skill from a teacher, and upon gaining confidence in this new skill, they will immediately seem to believe that they are a long experienced "expert", that this skill is "natural" to them, that no one really "taught" them, and that anyone who doesn't know this skill is stupid and ignorant (once again, "lower" than them). 

Any certificate, degrees, and recognition they earn are seen as badges proving their "superiority", and they will often claim superior intellect, experience, and knowledge over any person who does not have the same "level" of degree, (while at the same time usually diminishing and downplaying the degrees, certificates, and recognitions of those who have more or higher degrees than they do. In fact, if a Narcissist is reading this paragraph right now, they are probably arguing "but that IS what degrees and certificates mean! That I'm smarter, more experienced, and more knowledgeable!" Explaining why it doesn't would take another blog post.)

They seem to mentally DELETE 'process' and causality:
The girl who is a prostitute in the street was born that way~
The old man who lives only with his dog is alone because he's crazy, or old, or no one likes him~
The wealthy developer in town is just a better KIND of human being than the rest of the townsfolk~
The child who won the State Spelling Bee is just a brainiac freak~
The homeless woman downtown who sits on the bench was just born to be that way~
Their own career is successful because they are just that good KIND of human being.
Etc., etc.

Nothing happened to CAUSE anything, everything just IS because it IS. 
Rain just falls, the sun just shines, people are just stupid or ignorant if they don't agree with my exact point of view, people just drop out of the sky the way they are, and the way their lives are.

Creepy Monkey Judging

I have found more women to judge others as "inferior" or "superior" based on height and size, instead of actually finding out about the person, although I've met plenty of men who do this as well. It also seems that the very tall and the very short are much less likely to have this affliction, presumably because they know it's ridiculous and baseless. It's extremely creepy to me, frankly. I have seen with my own eyes countless times where people will assume to an absolutely SILLY degree (not just toward myself) that a taller person is UBER capable and a short person is clueless and practically disabled, and that's about ANYTHING at all~ and a heavy person is clueless and silly compared to a "physically fit" person who they treat as (again) UBER capable, and very thin (especially thin, tall people) get treated like they're unstable, stupid, and/or about to break like a twig compared to a heavier or average height person. Phenomenal ignorant and SCARY, frankly, and evidence that many humans are much less sentient and aware of reality than they seem to believe.

The REALLY interesting thing about it is how they don't apply this to THEMSELVES. They will project "incapable", "frail", "weak", "clueless" or "childlike" onto a person who's shorter than themselves, but mysteriously forget ALL ABOUT THAT when a person who is taller than THEY ARE are talking to them. Interesting how that works...
(Oh and please don't defend yourself, or defend people who do it, it just gives it away that you do it. The meaning of Sentience is Self Aware, if you're sentient, you can CONTROL your monkey instincts and NOT DO THEM, in the same way I control mine by refraining from knocking out the teeth of those who are blatantly disrespectful to my face because they think it's "okay" because I'm smaller than them.)

http://www.helium.com/items/1407018-how-people-judge-you-by-your-appearance

About Children

Expecting children to mature beyond the example their elders set for them makes no sense. Fortunately, many do anyway, seeking role models and guidance from other sources. Unfortunately, some meet up with the wrong people in their search, and end up in worse circumstances than they were already in, because there was no way to know what they were getting into. For a child who is seeking mentors and... guidance, this IS their first rodeo, so they have no idea, and no way to know who is genuine and who's a manipulator. Blaming children for mistaken steps on their paths as if they're adults who 'should have known better", especially when they have no adults who are grown up enough to guide them in a constructive way, is one of the more blatant signs of immaturity. 

~MMBlack

 "I’m always saddened when children and young adults are treated disrespectfully – even though being young is a passing human condition, children can grow into life-long Friends. I believe that if You want to be Friends with a child or an adolescent, listen to what they have to say. Be interested in what they do. Treat them like the interesting human beings they are. In our society respect is mos...t often linked to hierarchy. It seems that You are expected to be respectful to those ‘above’ You, but nobody seems to care if You treat those You consider ‘below’ You with familiarity or even disdain. Well, that doesn’t work for making Friends! How about treating everyone with respect if they have earned it ...including children and young adults? I like that much better."

~Denise Pinto Chenier

Countering, Arguing, Need To Win

"Countering" is when a person automatically says "black" when you say "white", it's a "keeping control' habit, it has nothing to do with the actual subject you're talking about.
If I say "black" and a person who counters says "white", and then I said "you're right, it's white" then they would say "no it's not , it's grey."
~
It's not about the topic, it's a "sparring match" and they are just trying to WIN, but there IS nothing to win, the only one "competing" is them. The "sparring match" is in their own head.
~
This is why nothing ever gets resolved, nothing ever gets planned and carried out, there are never any productive conversations, projects always get destroyed and scrapped. This is why when you talk about something good that you did they have to top you, or when you talk about something bad that upset you they have to top it or diminish it.
~
It can also take the form of "advice-giving", but this "advice" always implies that you're a novice, you're just weak or oversensitive, that it's all your fault, that you don't know what's going on or what the best information is (but they do), or that you're just a beginner and they're an expert (no matter what the subject).
~
People who aren't actually "Narcissists" can do this, and often do, it's easy to pick up when others are doing it all around you, it can just seem like "normal" behavior. We can pick it up because someone keeps doing it TO us, so we learn to do it back just to deal with it. It can be embarrassing when you realize you've been doing this, but it's not that hard to fix. There's no need for a big production of admission and apology to everyone, just mostly to one's self. Not doing it anymore, and learning how to communicate politely and respectfully is usually enough.
~
The picture that comes to mind is two people playing tennis. The countering person hits every ball back as hard as they can, trying to hit the other person with it, or make it go over their heads so they can't reach it, or hit it far out of the field so they have to go get it. This is not a friendly game of tennis, this is just one person trying to use the game of tennis to dominate the other. And in the same way, if the other person says "I've had enough, I'm leaving", the countering/dominator person will say "Oh sure, you're just a poor sport! You always leave!"
If and when the countering/dominator person finally realizes what they're doing, they can look at it squarely, and just stop trying to "dominate", let go of the aggression, and see what the REAL game of Tennis is all about. The friendly kind, where both people just want to play and enjoy the dynamic BETWEEN them.
~
The obsession with "winning" and "dominating" just to feel worthy, and to get a certain neurochemical rush, is one of the biggest causes of all kinds of problems in human relationships, communities, and organizations.
~
It's the real reason behind War. Countering dominators who are looking for the chemical rush they get from "winning" and "gaining" and "dominating" can't negotiate, share, or compromise, and may not even want to, because they know they won't get that HIGH they crave.

Controller/Narcissist Tactic; Interception

A clever (diabolical) little trick that many Controllers/Narcissists play on targets:
Hiding invitations to events, not relaying messages from other people, not telling that someone called, giving only part of a message but not the whole thing, "editing" relayed messages to give a different impression than was intended.

This practice kills several birds with one stone.
First, the target does n...ot receive the invitation or message that was intended for them. This can be life changing for the target, especially since most people will not follow up to see if the target actually received the invitation or message, they will just assume that it was received, even if it was important.

Second, the invitation or message sender does not receive a response from the target, so it appears to them that the target doesn't CARE. (Again, most people don't follow up, they just assume, which is why these tactics work so well.)
In most Controller/Narc. dynamics, the Controller makes a point of intercepting as much direct communication to the target as possible. The Controller actually "trains" people, very quickly, to go THROUGH THEM to communicate with the target. It's all subtle actions, signals, and implications about the target ("you don't want to talk to her, she's in a mood") so most people don't realize they're being diverted.

So, if they do try to find out if the target got the invitation or message, who do they usually ask...? Not the target, but the Controller. So of COURSE the Controller is going to say "I gave it to him/her, I don't know why he/she didn't get back to you." (and then some kind of derogatory comment for good measure, such as "Well he/she's probably 'too BUSY"...")

Unanswered messages and invitations strike people right in the heart and the ego. It seems that the person is so self-absorbed (or unstable) that they just don't care, can't be bothered, or are very arrogant.

The more messages and invitations that are intercepted, edited, and diverted, the more the target appears uncaring to everyone else, and will believe whatever the Controller says about them because they're already feeling "miffed" by the target's apparent disrespect and disdain toward them. Others build up fictional negativity about the target in their imaginations, and the Controller is only too happy to fill in the blanks and make up "reasons" why the target is SO hard to get along with, and SO uncaring and self-centered. Eventually, when this keeps going on and on, the target finds themselves isolated, with an inexplicably tarnished reputation that's not anywhere near reality. People mysteriously treat the target like they don't belong, like they aren't welcome, like they're not "good enough" or stable enough, or trustworthy enough to be part of their group, but it's because all of that has been IMPLIED for so long, and "proven" with unanswered invitations and messages. And it's also because they don't bother to find out anything for themselves.

Seems like a LOT of work for the Controller, but it's not at all, it's something they enjoy, or are used to doing, the way other people enjoy cooking or fishing. They usually grew up doing this, and often had accomplices in childhood. They may have done it to deal with a dysfunctional environment or individual. It was a game to them that they never stopped playing, or a way to survive from a child's point of view.

Of course this wouldn't happen if so many people were not so willing to believe negative things about others, but they are because they get a neurochemical reward from it (Us vs. Them), and this is what Controllers play on to accomplish their goals.This is one of the common tactics that is used to isolate a target from others. (Relationship notwithstanding, it can be any kind of relationship at all.)

Denial

Ignoring and dismissing the Light and the Good because one is focused on the Darkness and the Bad is the same naivete as the other way around. They are two sides of the same coin. Some will try to pretend there is no Darkness, and some will try to pretend there is no Light. Some will refuse to listen to or look at anything that does not align with the way they want the world to be. When we are not in Ego, when we are in serenity, we are able to view all that is around us with calm objectivity, and simply learn about what is there, without embracing or rejecting anything.


~M.M.Black

"Why Are Women Biased Against Other Women?"

Excellent article by E. Christakis M.P.H., M.Ed., an early-childhood educator, public-health advocate and lecturer at Yale University. Her column for TIME Ideas usually appears on Tuesdays. You can read more of her work at ErikaChristakis.com.

CLICK HERE for "Why Are Women Biased Against Other Women?"
http://ideas.time.com/2012/10/04/womens-inhumanity-to-women/

Easy Red Flag For Spotting Narcissism Or Controllers

Treating you like you don't know something, or are inexperienced, physically weaker, less intelligent, or less aware than themselves. Talking "down" to you. Speaking to you as if they are an adult or a "master", and you are a child or a "beginner".

They will often mask this with smiles and sweetness, so it can be easy to miss with the more socially savvy Narcissists. But you'll catch it if you pay attention.

Basic protection 101: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE you have not truly gotten to know over a good period of time, and from many direct interactions between them and you. Lots of time and lots of interaction is how we build mutual trust, and find out what a person is really like, from a safe distance. If they are healthy mentally and emotionally, they will be doing the same thing, they won't be trying to invade your boundaries, tell you what to do, judge you, or control you (that would be a flag).
Hormones interfere with this process because we are biological creatures who's subconscious seeks to reproduce more human beings, and we actually SHUT DOWN our own processes of learning about other people, and getting to know who and what they really are (both male and female, and it happens regarding all relationships, not just romantic)
.