What Does No Abuse, Neglect Or Bullying Feel Like?

Some things people do who haven't been targets of Narcissistic individuals, groups, families or communities:

~Believe in themselves

~Feel like they belong, like they're a real member of their group, family, and community

~Feel respected, wanted, cared for and liked

~Set goals because they WANT to, and believe they will achieve them

~Don't worry about getting blocked or sabotaged

~Believe they will receive assistance, shelter, comfort, protection, and justice if and when they need it.

~Don't worry about getting slandered

~Go forward with learning how to do whatever they feel like learning how to do

~Take whatever class or course strikes their fancy
(regardless of whether their sex, race, age, or body type "fits in" with a stereotype)

~Engage easily in fun activities and group activities without anxiety

~Wear the clothes they're comfortable with, wear their hair how they like it

~Don't worry about fitting into gender roles or "gender behavior"

~Don't feel the need to "prove" their masculinity or femininity (or their sexual preference) to the world

~Don't stop themselves from doing something because they might get targeted by bullying or ridicule

~Don't worry about getting sabotaged or stolen from

~Don't worry about getting physically assaulted/raped whenever they go anywhere or do anything alone

~Expect those they're associated with to stand up for them if they suffer attack, injustice, or disrespect

~Often accomplish many of their goals because they have not been sabotaged either in the past or in the present, and have received help and support, often much more than they realize

~May not understand anything about the effects abuse and neglect has on a human being

~May not believe there's really sexism or racism in the world, or that there's any "here"

~May not be able to grasp that people they know or are in their family have been traumatized or abused

~May not be able to grasp that people they know or are in their family have been targeted with sexism, racism, or other prejudices

~May take their good fortune for granted, or believe they deserve their good fortune because they're a "good/capable person" 

~Go forward confidently with ideas, presentations, and activities, without having self-doubts, self-consciousness, or worries about being sabotaged, ridiculed, or abandoned

~Don't fear abandonment, gas lighting, or reputation smearing

~Have great fun in groups or with individuals, without ruminating on the plights of others, or worrying about their own possible future

Up-time: A Goal For Healing And Happiness

Narcissistic abuse affects a target in a specific way, it makes the target constantly self-conscious. Targets are always double-checking themselves, constantly aware of each step they take and every move they make because of the reaction the Narcissist might have, and AVOIDANT of anything that might draw the Narcissist's attention. The target becomes conditioned to constantly edit him/herself, stop him/herself from doing something that the Narcissist might notice or react to, and constantly take care to make sure the Narcissist feels served, paid attention to, and cared for or served.

This means the target is continuously dropping out of "uptime" in order to cater to the Narcissist, or avoid the Narcissist's reactions. (Walking on eggshells.) Targets often come to buy into the projection that they are constantly about to do something wrong, silly, or selfish and narcissistic, or are performing under par, or have come up short in whatever they've done, from the way they wear their hair to career pursuits, to large and small projects, to choosing a home, to choosing friends and partners, to being a parent.

Melanie Moore

"Up-time" is when we're "in the moment", engaged in what we're doing. In up-time we aren't worrying about how we appear, if we're going to step on someone's toes, if we're making mistakes, or worried about getting criticized, ridiculed, stolen from, attacked, insulted, or sabotaged. We're in up-time when we're engaged fully in humor, when we're having a great time with others, when we're engaged in an impassioned, mutually well-mannered discussion, when we're focused fully on solving a puzzle or finding a solution, when we're engaged in performing, speaking, teaching, or giving a presentation in front of others (not when we're having stage-fright, self-doubt, or anxiety), when we're focused fully on a specific task or project. A teacher who is lecturing enthusiastically about her or his subject would be in "up-time". A biologist who is excitedly explaining about her or his latest animal research expedition (picture the late Steve Irwin, RIP) would be in "up-time". An artist who is passionately planning and creating her or his current project would be in "up-time". A comedian (famous or not) who is enjoying getting other in the room to laugh is in "up-time". A tax advisor who is confidently doing your taxes and explaining to you what, how, and why is probably in "up-time".


Narcissistic environments condition a target to believe that their OWN "uptime" is foolish and narcissistic. Targets are conditioned to believe that whatever they're working on is silly and unnecessary, a waste of time, and a waste of resources, no matter what it is.  Whatever they accomplish is either completely ignored, or labeled with something negative, no matter what it is. Whenever a target is engaged in doing something they enjoy, something they're good at, something they're accomplishing, or something they're focused on or learning, they are continuously interrupted, and/or subjected to shame and negative judgment. Targets of narcissistic individuals or groups are NOT given the same positive or even neutral feedback and treatment that others may take for granted, and this commonly results in a target feeling "always wrong" and "not belonging", or "not deserving of recognition or respect", which is pretty much the goal of most Narcissists.

 Targets may be sabotaged when they're in up-time so often that they can actually develop a fear of being in it. It can end up feeling like a bad thing to do, and can seem easier just to avoid it. However, avoiding up-time means literally avoiding one's own LIFE. Narcissists often feel CHALLENGED by others who are in up-time, unless that person is catering to their ego, and even then, they often still see the other person's focus and engagement in what they're doing as a challenge for their spotlight and their "special" position. They also see the other person being in  "uptime" as NOT CATERING TO THEM, SERVING THEM, APPLAUDING THEM, OR CARING FOR THEM. So they may try to sabotage those who appear to be in "uptime" with any kind of control and power plays that come to mind, overtly or covertly.


Individuals who are members of oppressed groups within any community or group experience much less up-time than those who are members of the oppressor group. Members of any oppressed group are continually expected and commanded to cater to the individuals in the oppressor group, and are constantly interrupted, shamed, and blocked from being in up-time. This practice ensures that the members of the oppressed group do not develop high self confidence, are blocked from developing their own skills and knowledge, are blocked from building strong reputations based on demonstrated skill and ability, and will then, therefore, be available to help facilitate and protect the up-time of individuals in the oppressor group.


Narcissism and up-time are not one in the same. Up-time is normal and healthy; it's what most children have before they start doubting themselves and becoming self-conscious. Narcissists are more often in up-time because of the simple fact that they rarely pause to help, to doubt themselves or to self-reflect; they always think they're "right" and superior to others, so even when someone proves them wrong, they just dismiss or delete it. Those who are often in up-time are not necessarily Narcissists, and not Narcissistic by default, and in fact can be very NON-Narcissistic. It depends solely on the individual.


Rachael Ray demonstrates being in "up-time" on her show very well. Tony Robbins, Steve Harvey, Katie Couric, Will Farrell, Barbara Walters, and Stevie Wonder seem to usually be in up-time. People who seem to always be ready-to-go and engaged in what they're doing, and not so distracted or crippled by worries, self-consciousness, and fears are generally in up-time.


Those who are in "uptime" are NOT under the control of the Narcissist, and are building and maintaining self-esteem. Sabotaging a target's "uptime" is one of the main goals of abuse.

Gaslighting is another common way Narcissists in particular sabotage a target's "up-time", because it causes self-doubt and self-consciousness.

Human beings who are Narcissistic find it very easy to remain in up-time, engaged in what they're doing and accomplishing, because they believe themselves to be entitled to not ever have to stop what they're doing to care for someone else. If they're impolite, uncaring, cruel, or neglectful, they don't care, all they're focused on is what they're doing and accomplishing. Therefore they are much less affected by Narcissists around them; they are always competing for the "top spot" anyway, so they're ALREADY trying to knock any "challengers" off their horse before they even show up.

Non-narcissists, however, will stop what they're engaged in doing in order to attend to other important matters. Non-narcissists are aware of other people and situations besides themselves, and are aware of the bigger picture, and how being mutually supportive and caring (not dominating and condescending) is essential for the well-being of the living world. In other words, the Non-Narcissist (father) will walk off their Golf Tour to be there for their child's birth, or attend the bedside of an ill or injured loved one. A Narcissist will "play through", and actually rationalize that it's more important. The Non-Narcissist friend or relative would be thinking of the well-being of the person who just lost their parent or spouse, and not at all focused on "what's in the will" or "what they can get" or "what they didn't get". Their focus will be on helping the person who is grieving make an easier transition, and help them feel respectfully supported. Narcissists, however, have the opposite thought process, and may even steal from, gaslight, or verbally attack the person who is grieving.

Narcissists can't stand to "have to" leave up-time for any reason, it makes them feel like they're being blocked, attacked, and sabotaged from carrying out their plans. They can feel like they're being pulled off-stage in the middle of an important performance.
This is a main reason why they can't stand caring for others, because you can't be onstage and fully in up-time and care for someone else at the same time. They don't want to stop their performance to listen to a child, or to hear someone else's point of view, or empathize with another person. They don't want to shut down their spotlight, slow down, or pull over to the side of the road, in order to reflect on the way they treat other people, their children, family members, patients, constituents, friends, or anyone else, or even how they treat themselves.

The analogy of the injured dog in the road demonstrates the difference between a Narcissist who refuses to leave up-time for any reason, and a non-narcissist. Two drivers are on their way to work, both are trying to make a good impression for an upcoming promotion, so they want to be on time for work today especially. Their minds are focused on getting to work early, and they're both planning their morning in their heads, talking on their Blue Tooth to their colleagues. Someone hits a Golden Retriever in front of the two drivers, and spins out of control, hitting a tree. The non-narcissist is fully aware of the time, chooses to pull over, checking on the driver of the car, and pulling the injured dog off of the road. The driver is dazed; the non-narcissist calls for help, and waits for the police and ambulance to arrive. No one is around to help the dog, so the police help the non-narcissist put her in the back of the car to be driven to a veterinarian. The non-narcissist calls the office and informs them that there has been an emergency, and they will be late.
The Narcissist, on the other hand, is long gone, having pulled around the whole thing. The Narcissist did drive slowly past, looking to see if the person who hit the tree appeared severely injured (through the open window), and since there was no blood or obvious injury, the Narcissist sped to work to get there on time, to make that good impression. They never stop talking on their Blue Tooth, keeping the thread of the conversation about their coming day. The Narcissist later says that it was because someone else had pulled over, but the truth is the Narcissist didn't even ask or wait to see if help was needed, they were just glad there was enough room to pull around. They are, however, keen on talking about witnessing the whole thing when they get to work.

One of the main goals for healing is to be in "up-time" once again.
Being in up-time with minimal self-sabotaging behaviors and and self-defeating or hostile habits, and with positive, helpful, focused behaviors and habits, is the optimum goal.
(We take our automatic behaviors and habits with us into up-time, which becomes evident when observing Narcissists, so self-reflection and healthy "down-time", where we can examine and re-wire our behaviors and perceptions are just as important. We usually learn self-defeating "coping skills" when we've been through abuse, and we can take them with us when we remember how to be in up-time again, so that's part of the healing process as well.)




up•time

Pronunciation: (up'tīm")
—n.
1. the time during which a machine or piece of equipment, as a computer, is operating or can be operated.

(infoplease.com)

Kindred Spirit, or Rival?

Non-Narcissists LIKE IT when someone else seems like a "kindred spirit", so they often don't protect themselves from Narcissistic attack, because they don't do it, so they don't expect it to happen. For example if there are two students in a class who are both getting the highest grades, the student who is a Non-Narcissist will often be looking to befriend and share experiences with the other student. However the Narcissist student will actually be trying to "WIN" the "top spot", and are not at all interested in genuine camaraderie. Unfortunately, the Narc. student will probably not only try to "Win" by getting better grades than the other, but will also probably try to sabotage the other student, either by doing something to cause them obstacles and problems, or by attacking them personally with verbal and emotional abuse. Because the Non-Narc. student doesn't think the same way, the Narc. has often already caused them real damage before they realize what's going on.

Compassion For Controllers And Narcissists

It can be difficult, really difficult, to pull out compassion toward someone who's been trying to dominate us or trash us, but that's because we're in "defense mode". There's nothing wrong with that, it's not something we should feel bad about, it's just that it blocks our ability to see what's going on.

To put a "bigger picture" on it, when we're the 4 year old child on the bottom of the "piggy pile", where the other 4-year-olds are jumping on us, the only things on our minds are "help!" and "get off me!" ~But if we're not that child, if we're an adult looking on, we aren't in that defensive mind-set. We can see clearly that it's a bunch of small children behaving like small children, and one of them is getting the brunt of the childish behavior. So (if we're a mature adult) we would stop this mayhem, calm these kids down, and make sure they were all okay.

In many control and abuse situations, when we are the target, the kid at the bottom of the pile, we can't see what the Controller is really about, and why they're doing what they're doing. They might be a diabolical Lex Luther NPD type, with full awareness of what they're doing. But they may also be a child in an adult's body. They might have cognitive issues that they've been covering up for years, trying to avoid being targeted by someone else, or trying to avoid getting treated with disrespect, or left out.

The latter of the two (child-like) is the more common Controller.
Understanding this has NOTHING to do with being a "door mat" or "laying down". You don't allow children to walk all over you, it's bad for you and it's bad for the child. But if we understand that the person is really more child than adult, and is doing more REACTING than planning diabolical schemes, we can come to our own healing faster, and deal with the situation with much more awareness.
We may frequently find that because we were raised in a certain type of dysfunction (family or community), we have been allowing others to have power over us regardless of their actual cognitive function level and their maturity level. We may even be GIVING them this power over us and not even realize it.

It's not difficult to learn social signals that portray authority and dominance, even children learn them and how to use them to boss others around at an early age. Humans respond to social signals FIRST, so if someone has learned certain body language, vocal tones, language, and even how to dress and groom to appear "dominant", our subconscious is likely to respond. We humans even respond to a simple height difference or body size, as if the person is an "automatic authority" because they're bigger, or they appear stronger. However those who are smaller than we are can also quite effectively use these signals, although we are much more likely to rebel against them (even try to dominate them because of our own primate or immaturity issues). 

If a person who has learned these signals actually has a lower "intelligence quotient", we probably won't notice, because we're responding to the social signals. We aren't watching or listening to see if they actually have more experience or capability than we do, or anyone else for that matter.

Most people DO NOT SET OUT to "learn" these authority and dominance signals, they pick them up from others, usually adults they knew in their childhood. It could be a parent, or it could be another relative, or a teacher, coach, or other adults in the community. Too often, they learn them from an adult who was using these signals and behaviors ON THEM.

If we suddenly came to the realization that our Narcissistic parent or other really has cognitive and comprehension issues that have gone unnoticed, or past physical or emotional trauma that was never treated, or a brain injury, or was born with a mental illness that was never cared for, we would (hopefully) be much more likely to stop giving them power over us, and understand more about why they behave the way they do.

Shortcut To Enlightenment

The main obstacle most humans experience when seeking enlightenment is really very small when seen without the ego. Accepting this simple reality can shave years off of an individual's seeking, but so few are able to let go of their very large egos in order to do it. It's not a secret, and it's been understood by "wise people" for centuries. Yet, it seems to be so difficult for many to come to terms with.

This very small and very obvious obstacle is this:
We are very, very similar to our primate cousins, monkeys and Great Apes. In fact we are so close to Chimpanzees that in 2003, studies showed that we are 99.4 % identical in functional DNA, and scientists have demanded that Chimps should occupy the family Hominidae along with Humans. 1

And yet another study shows that certain parts of the Human genome are closer to Orangutans than Chimps. 2

What does this have to do with "enlightenment"?
Everything.

This is where most people turn and run, unfortunately for those who seek "enlightenment":
A huge amount of our reactions, our perception, and our behavior are dictated by the same factors as the other primates in our Order, and the closer in the family tree you get to humans, the more evident it becomes.

There are behaviors that most of us can see easily, right away. Others might be less obvious, but mostly because humans are very good at explaining them away so they seem perfectly "logical" to the less observant (which is most of us).

For example (Most people are aware of this one by now): Taller/larger males are followed, obeyed, promoted, and elected to leadership positions more than any other human body type, from the smallest social groups to the largest corporations and governmental positions. Of course there are exceptions, but statistics don't lie, and neither do our own eyes. If a larger male is in a room with a smaller male, the majority of humans will defer to the larger male, regardless of the circumstances.

"Nit-Picking" is a term most of us have heard, it refers to constantly finding fault in someone else, and pointing out all kinds of little things to criticize. It's literally something that primates do all the time, you may have heard it being referred to as "grooming", but they are picking the bugs off of one another. This behavior is essential for health, but it also creates bonds. It's also used to maintain hierarchy.

You know how a lot of people talk over others, talk about themselves only, don't listen, contradict, and interrupt? That's a primate display for attention and/or dominance. (It's obviously not polite, and doesn't help or facilitate actual communication.)

Space invasion is another blatant social signal, an attempt to display "dominance". Especially with those who are smaller than themselves, humans will move into someone else's personal space, stand right in front of others, walk right in front of others, refuse to move to allow someone else to pass (even if the other person moves first), gesticulate INSIDE of someone else's personal space, speak louder, make loud noises nearby, and even put their hands on another person without permission or invitation.

Another obvious example that many humans for some strange reason will frequently deny: Males are nearly always assumed to have more experience, skill, and ability than females in a given group of humans. And the larger the male, and the smaller the female, the more exaggerated this assumption becomes. The denial may come from the conscious knowledge that this is of course not based in reality; most people might not want to be seen as sexist, so they deny their true assumptions and behavior, but that's the facts, Ma'am. Men and women alike will assume that a guy "Knows" or "Knows How", and that a gal just hasn't got the experience or the smarts.

Sex bias is simply a way to keep the illusion of Social Hierarchy going. Denying that it exists is all part of it for Homo Sapiens, but we seem to be the only ones who pretend we don't do it. Ironically, Humans are by far the worst perpetrators.

Here's some more stuff most people don't realize they have in common with other primates, or don't like to admit to at all:

Exaggerated fear of snakes, spiders, and other "scary" animals.


Laughter, silliness, play.

 Haughtiness, cliques, elitism.

Hunting other animals for food.

Aggressive competition for attention and approval from others, especially from anyone perceived to have any level of power or authority. That includes parents, teachers, bosses, and peers. (In other words, envying, sabotaging, or trashing the "pretty" boy or girl,, making fun of and bullying the "smart" girl or boy in class, trying to show one's self to be "tougher", "stronger", "more logical", "more responsible", "wiser", or "more stable".)

Tribal battles, "warring" for territory.

Caring for the young of others, or other species.

Treating those smaller (shorter or thinner) than one's self with less respect, as if they're ignorant, less capable, weak, or child-like.

Treating those who are "different" in some way with prejudice (even hatred or extreme aggression).

 Choosing/allowing a "Leader" no matter how small a group is, and that "Leader" is usually the one who is the tallest, or the one with the widest shoulders. Sometimes it's the one with most money or the one with the most aggressive behavior.

Creating comfort, shelter, and using tools.

Assuming that those who have a polite demeanor, and/or a pleasant disposition to be less intelligent, less experienced, and less capable (strangely, the OPPOSITE is usually true).


Trying to dominate those around us with all kinds of social signals, language signals, and behavioral displays.

Trying to create a social hierarchy by body size, sex, appearance, and age in any group we're in, even in temporary groups such as waiting for a train or during an emergency.

Trying to attract the opposite sex all the time, even if we are in a committed relationship.

Trying to show dominance and show "status" with body, face, and hair appearance; possessions; body language; "skill"; hostile or "dangerous" behavior, even self-destructive behavior.

Both sexes generally seek MALE approval, and try to diminish and dominate females (in this current  "patriarchal" culture era.) (Creepy since half the population IS female, so females are trying to dominate themselves, and creepier still because every human has a female MOTHER, and every female is someone's CHILD.)

All forms of prejudice, bigotry, arrogance, greed, shunning, exclusion, and aggression, including WAR.

There are many, many more, of course. Those who can handle it and want to know more would probably enjoy watching and reading documentaries about Chimpanzees and Bonobos, Gorillas, Orangutans, and Macaques. The recent movie Chimpanzee follows the survival journey of a 3 month old Chimp whose mother was killed in a tribal battle. Dian Fossy was the world-renowned scientist who studied Gorillas extensively in their natural habitat, and Jane Goodall is the premier scientific researcher and observer of Chimpanzees in their natural habitat.

Our Great Ape roots combined with the wonderful intellectual and spiritual gifts that many have even described as Divine are what make us what we are. Becoming aware of these many facets of ourselves and other human beings, and understanding how we are all connected and attached to them, and also to one another, and further still to this incredible universe we live in, are all footsteps on the path to "Enlightenment".





copyright 2013 M.M.Black 

(thank you, Cyndi Joy Lee )

Real Friends

Your real friends are the ones who don't scatter like Dandelion Seeds when the wind blows;
who reply to your messages and respond to your greetings and salutations;
who like it when you are recognized or when you show your skill;
who genuinely respect you and show it;
who assume you are more intelligent and more capable, not less;
who are supportive and respectful of your other relationships, especially your children, partnership, and family;
who don't set you up to stand you up just for the thrill of control;
who are accountable for their actions, and remorseful for hurting you;
who stand up for you against disrespect, injustice, and abuse;
who would offer you a glass of water, a cup of coffee, or a couch if you need it;
who include you in their celebrations, and help you through your tragedies;
who share your pride in your family and your accomplishments;
who encourage and believe in your aspirations and dreams.

That's what real friends are like. Anyone else is an acquaintance, or less. 

Insecurity And Assumption

Why imagine another to be less, rather than more?
Why do we imagine that we can assess the limitations of other people?
Because that's what insecurity does, imagines things and people to be smaller and lesser so we can feel more powerful, and less intimidated.
The more secure we are, the better we can handle anyone around us having sky-high talent, experience, intelligence, and capability.
The more secure we are, the more we like it when others around us are talented, intelligent, and enthusiastic.
The more secure we are, the less we are compelled to diminish them.
The more secure we are, the sillier we feel when we realize we were trying to make someone out to be smaller, weaker, inexperienced, less intelligent, and less capable.

Mutual Bonds, Negative Or Positive?

When we're trying to figure out why we have such stressful lives, one of the things we can look at is what we are bonding with others over? What is the main thing we talk about with them? It's good to have someone to share activities with and talk with, vent with, share mutual support, but what is the real "bond", the thing that keeps you talking?

We might not realize that we've carried over the bonding habits of other people from childhood. Are we hanging out with people who are "naysayers"? Do we see ourselves as "logically cynical" so we're seeking others who also see themselves that way? Do we find ourselves gossiping about others? Are we bonding with people over substance abuse problems? Could we be bonding over an unhealthy admiration or adulation for another human, like a sports star or a cultish spiritual/religious leader? Are we bonding over self-destructive attitudes and habits? Are we bonding over MUTUAL DISDAIN or even hatred for others?
Do we really know what a "healthy bond" looks like, have we ever questioned it?

Healthy bonds revolve around positive language, communication, and outlooks. We can have mutual positive interests but STILL be "bonding" because of negativity.

For example Steve and Phil are musicians, and that's what they think their bond is, but their real bond is actually a desire to be "above" others. When they're not together, they find that they feel empty, stressed, and alone a lot, and they both use drugs and alcohol to self-medicate. Joanie and Matt are musicians too, and they think their bond is music as well, but it's really their sense of humor and a love for creative projects. Music is something they have in common, so it facilitates their positive bond, just like music facilitates Steve and Phil's negative bond.

Lynn, Laurie, and Lisa do things together like going shopping, going to lunch, bowling, and having playdates with their kids; they think being Moms and Wives is what their bond is about. But what they talk about while they're doing these things is their real bond. These things they're doing together are not "mutual interests", they're mutual activities that anyone in their positions would be doing. So why exactly do the three of them choose one another to do these common things with? Are they bonding because of a positive thing, like a genuine mutual desire to heal or help others, so they talk about it and plan things while they're doing their other activities? Or are they bonding over negative things, like pointing out the "flaws" of other people at the mall, or gossiping about neighbors? Complaining about their lives? Is it really just a share addiction, such as alcohol or another substance? Even food? When one of them is going through a rough patch, do the others actually help them, or do they just give condescending "advice", or do they avoid helping?

Ralph, Les, and John do things together as well, like going to lunch, going bowling, bringing their kids to the park, and working on their cars. They think these activities are what "bonds" them, but like Lynn, Laurie and Lisa, their bonds are actually about their real common denominator. (John doesn't even really like to work on cars, and Les doesn't like bowling.) Their real common denominator is what they talk about while they're doing these other activities, and the other things they do as well. What do they talk about? Are they talking about Spirituality, or how they can be better fathers, or what they can do next with their families? Are they sharing supportive feedback about caring for elderly relatives, or do they talk about their mutual interest in animals? Or are they complaining about their wives and their kids? Are they hawking other women together? Are they pointing out "flaws" and making fun of other people? What do they all consume when they're together, is their friendship really just a mutual addiction?

Individuals in larger groups also bond this way. One religious group, for example, might be bonding on a shared genuine passion for shared joy, a beautiful world, and helping others, while another one might really be bonding over a shared desire for power and being "above reproach".

One men's club might really be focused on mutual support and helping the community, while another might present that way but is really just a shared desire for elitism, control, or shared addictions, or a mutual resentment toward women. Any new member who joins will often get sucked in, and often will not realize why he isn't feeling any better for joining this group.

Support groups and forums also form bonds this way; one support group might be bonding on learning and healing, but another one might find the individuals are bonding over mutual elitism or hatred. The first group will find healing, the second will of course sabotage it.

A group of people who are all artists or musicians, or science buffs, or science fiction buffs, or educators, or healers, etc., may come together for that main purpose, but their real bonding shows in their behavior and treatment of others. Are the INclusive, or EXclusive? Are they seeking to be the Star, or are they seeking resonance with others? Do they encourage and support everyone who shows up in the SAME respectful way, both genders, and all races and all body types? Or do they try to keep certain people in their group, and scare away others?

Are they trying to make certain others feel "small" or like they aren't good enough? Are they sabotaging, backstabbing, controlling, or shunning? Or are they honestly there for the purpose of sharing their interests and passions with other human beings? The way they treat all who show up and all who are there reveals their true motives.

Figuring out what we're bonding with others over can be a huge eye-opener, and help us improve our lives tremendously. Sometimes it's the one thing we can't quite put our finger on.

Women Controlling Men's Friendships

It is not uncommon for some men to distance themselves from good, platonic female friends because they're trying to stay in the "good graces" of another woman who has control and jealousy issues. In other words, they allow the more controlling female friend to dictate their other friendships, according to her jealousy and insecurity, especially in regard to female friendships.
The men don't actually look at what's really going on, or what really happened, they just know that the one who is the most controlling will not be happy if they don't follow her social signals, implications, (or direct instructions). The female friend they're distancing themselves from is often the better friend, or a person who has no agenda or ill will toward anyone, or who have done nothing at all "wrong"; Controllers are all about avoiding blame and keeping the attention and "loyalty" on themselves (so they can stay in control).
It's actually more common for a Controller, male or female, to be surrounded by lots of "friends" than for a person who does not try to manipulate and control others. Because~ that's what they focus on, making sure they are surrounded by lots of friends who will follow along with their agenda.
It's not the static rule, there are people who have a lot of genuine friends because they have met a lot of genuinely caring people who are mutually supportive. But the difference is, people like that don't make cliques, don't ostracize, don't back stab, don't attack, and don't try to keep certain people "out" because they're jealous or envious.

How Do I Stop Getting Sucked In By Narcissists?

Truly, the only real way to see through the tactics of Narcissists is to watch our own triggers and behaviors regarding other people.
Asking ourselves some questions about how we interact in the world, and being honest about our answers, is the road to real awareness.
Questions such as:

~When I find myself paying attention to one person, and listening to what they say, what are the real reasons? Is there any evidence, honestly, that I might be responding to their "charisma", OR because I saw that others are listening to them?

~What are my subtle, hidden prejudices? Do I tend to dismiss women, and listen to men? Do I dismiss blondes, but listen to brunettes? Or vice versa? Am I biased against one race or another and don't realize it, or against one sex or the other?

~What are my biases? Do I tend to believe, follow, and buy into what certain people say, and not others? Based on what, exactly?

~When I am excited to meet a new person, or find a new person to "follow" like a music star, a writer, or an actor, what exactly is it that makes me feel that excitement? What is it about them, really?

~How much do I rationalize WHY I listen, believe, and follow certain people but not others? What are the reasons I tell myself? What are the REAL reasons? What reasons are "stuck" from my childhood or adolescence?

~How much do I respond, honestly, to flattery, attention, approval, and flirtation?

~To WHOM do I let my guard down easily, and why?
Is it their air of "authority", their physical looks, their age, their height? Is it their body type?
Is it because they remind me of someone, like a parent, an uncle, an aunt, a teacher, a childhood buddy? Is it their voice?
Did they flatter me, agree with me, show concern for me?
Did they have an air of "power" or "wealth", or physical strength or dominance? Did they have an air of superiority?

~Do I "drop" those I was interested in or following, when they turn out to be just a "regular person"?

Why Do Some People Dwell On Things, Or Act Like Losers?

What makes the average person stop focusing on learning new things, doing fun activities, studying, working, and having "normal" fun?
What makes them step out of a regular "uptime" life where they were just thinking about what they wanted to do next, what's going on at Church, at school, or in the community, what they wanted to do for a career, or which bills to pay, or what fun stuff to do?

The answer is very simple, although very few can handle it:
abuse.
Bullying, domination, triangulation, manipulation, ostracism, slander, neglect, harassment, all these things that would put any NORMAL person's brain in defensive mode, and take them OUT of their regular, pleasant, day to day world with the usual ups and downs.

On the least volatile level, bullying, neglect, and being singled out make ANY "normal" human self-conscious; in other words they switch their awareness and focus from what they were doing to thinking about how others are seeing them do things. That's not "weak", that's what the healthy brain does.It wants to know WHY we are being targeted, so it makes us look at ourselves from other people's point of view. However there's a GLITCH. When we are only getting negative "feedback" from bullies and controllers, and NOT from someone who genuinely is "on our side" whom we trust, our brain can get caught in a LOOP. Instead of simply gathering info. while we look at ourselves from the outside, we get STUCK THERE, because we had no one to give us positive or neutral feedback.

As the severity of abuse and targeting increases, so do the effects on the targeted person. The more danger a person is in, the more the brain REDIRECTS its focus from daily regular work, play, and study to SURVIVAL coping strategies.

The ABNORMAL brain does not do this, because it's malfunctioning, or it may not have full function, but MOST life forms react to a stressful, dangerous, or bleak environment by changing their overall behavior; even plants do it. Survival of the physical body, the organism, is number one. Procreation is number two (reproducing). The brain cares about those two things above all other things, and there's not much we can do about it personally, it's just how we're made.



So, next time you think of someone being a "loser", ask yourself what really happened to them, where everyone was when that person needed help, and why you yourself would rather call them a "loser" then spend any time at all finding out anything real about them, or help them in any way.

How Nice Are We, Really? 1111

Most people really are only nice to those who have something they want, who do what they like, and who make them feel good about themselves. Altruism exists in humans, but it's rare, because human beings are generally more interested in gain, credit, and acceptance than anything else. Altruism means being nice to others even if they're not feeding one's ego, and it means treating others with respect even if they're not in one's "inner circle", even if they don't have something we want, even if they don't hold some kind of worldly "power", "authority", fame, or wealth, and it means giving, doing, and fixing solely because it's needed, with absolutely no expectation of reward or credit. Many people will hear (or read) this and think "yeah, that's how people are~" but they won't apply it to themselves, or observe or question their own motives and actions.





~Lisa, this is post 1111  ~:)

Space Invaders

Space Invaders:

People who don't respect the personal space of other human beings.
Space Invaders most often invade the space of those who are smaller than they are for any reason, such as shorter height, thinner build, or smaller due to youth. They are also seen invading the space of those they have assessed (correctly or incorrectly) to be physically weaker than themselves, emotionally less "tough", or who are in some way disabled, injured, ill, elderly, or in a weakened condition.

Denial: The Good, The Bad, and The Annoying

Denial is a human brain function, we all have it, and the ultimate irony is we all tend to ...deny... that we have it.
It's just our subconscious's way of protecting us from ourselves, and becoming overwhelmed with stress and fear. The pros of this function are apparently high, even essential, or it wouldn't be a regular part of our brain function. The cons, however, can be detrimental when we're in a negative or dangerous situation, and when we're trying to heal and/or change, or improve our lives and the lives of our children and loved ones.
On the pro side, denial allows us to walk around every day without stressing and wondering if we're going to get struck by a meteor, if we're getting exposed to pathogens, if we're being watched by predators or psychopaths, and how dangerous our commute to and from work or the store really is. It helps us forget about our own physical and psychological "issues" and "flaws" so we don't obsess on them. It allows us to go about our day, and even have fun.
On the con side, it blurs and blocks our ability to see things that are not good for us. We go and eat food that we know is bad for us because of Denial. We keep habits that are unhealthy. We keep doing things that sabotage our wallets and our careers even though we consciously "know" better. We keep connections with other human beings who are not supportive or healthy for us, and stay in dysfunctional groups. We allow incompetent and bullying leaders, in all kinds of areas, from government to business to family to local communities. We block our own view of our own control issues and habits, and rationalize the way we treat others. We even try to block other people from looking at things that are "wrong" around us and in the world when we're in denial.
Denial is the part of our brain that says "It's no big deal" when we know it is a big deal.
It says "Stop looking at those flaws and discrepancies".
It says "That's just the way things are".
It says "There is no contradiction, there is no negative impact, there is no corrupt agenda".
It says "People get what they deserve" when we learn that someone has been disrespected or victimized.
It says "But it helps me stay calm, so it's okay" when we know we're addicted to something.
It says "But I didn't mean to, my intentions were good" when we know we screwed up or hurt someone.
It says "She/he made me do it" .
It says "But he/she is really a great person" when we know deep down their motives are corrupt.
It says "I'm better and a superior person than her/him, so I deserve to be treated better, and I deserve more privileges and stuff".
It says "He/she acts like that because he has to, to be an effective boss/leader." when deep down we know he's really a bully.
It says "She/he isn't really that talented/smart/skilled/capable/kind" when deep down we know we're just envious.
It says "Who cares about that, it doesn't affect me".
It says "Everything is fine, there's no need to look at that, let's focus on something else".

Denial allows us to stay where we are and continue what we're doing instead of constantly trying to protect ourselves and fix all the flaws around us and in us, which would literally take every waking moment, and much of the time we should be sleeping as well. But, at the same time, it works SO well that it covers up what we could change and veils what we NEED to look at, analyze, and change to have a better life and a better world.

We can't remove the function of Denial in our brains, and perhaps we shouldn't, because it allows us to enjoy the beauty in life without being overwhelmed with fear, holing ourselves up in a survival shelter for the rest of our lives. However admitting that it's a real and every day part of our humanness is essential if we honestly want positive change, peace, and a better world for our children and ourselves.

Daily Narcissism

Refusing to see you as "equal" to themselves, refusing to see you for who you actually are, refusing to acknowledge your real abilities, experience, skill, talent and strengths, trying to make you into less of a person, and refusing to take you seriously are what Narcissists do on a regular basis.

Control And Bad Manners

Some behaviors of many Controllers include:
Speaking and behaving without greeting, social grace, or ceremony on a regular basis.
It varies with the individual, but the common denominator is an absence of social graces, although they may make a SHOW of manners in front of certain people. (There is a difference between a "control freak" and an actual "Narcissist"; a true "Narcissist" will try to tailor their behavior to the specific audience even more than the average Controller will.)

Some examples:
>Not saying "thank you" when given something, even a gift, by certain people whom they consider "lower"  (they may thank others profusely for even small things).

>Not asking for things, but instead demanding or taking them.

>Making demands and commands instead of invitation.

>Giving instructions instead of asking politely for assistance ("I need you to help me move this weekend" instead of "I need to move this weekend, would you be able to help me?")

>Not saying "please".

>Standing in others' way, literally. Physically placing themselves in front of others, blocking them, or in the path of others, or in the middle of what others are doing.

>Entering closed rooms or dwellings without knocking, or knocking and entering without waiting for an answer.


>Absence of courtesy, manners, and polite respect toward strangers and in public.


>Rationalizing and justifying the absence of social graces toward others, for example using their situation, occupation or position as an excuse.
(If one police officer maintains his or her social graces, then being a police officer is not a valid "reason" for bad manners and disrespect toward others. Nor is being a supervisor, or a customer service worker, or a factory worker, or a CEO, or a celebrity, or an animal control officer, or a lab technician, or a line cook, or a social worker, or being poor or being wealthy, etc, etc. If the situation is too stressful for an individual, then they need to either get help and find better ways to deal with it, or find a different occupation, but it's not a valid reason to treat others poorly. You can find homeless people who have nothing, people who have suffered great loss and trauma, people who deal with extreme stress every day with enduring social graces.)

>Not acknowledging when another person speaks, or what they've said.

>Only acknowledging what another person says via criticism, insult, or invalidation.

>Constantly giving instructions, commands, and demands. (A target can't walk across the room without being given a new order or request.)

>Constantly making "suggestions" about anything and everything. Constantly giving "advice" to specific targets.

>Always making critical "observations" about others.

>Purposely speaking and acting in a "tough", "gruff", or lewd manner in front of others. Severe cases will do this especially in front of children, the elderly, or physically or mentally 'challenged' adults.

>Talking over others, interrupting them while they're speaking on a regular basis (on purpose, or without caring).

>Bad phone etiquette, such as:
Talking on the phone and with those in the room with them at the same time, without common etiquette like saying "hold on" to the person on the phone; calling them back at a better time; telling those in the room that they're on the phone and to wait until they hang up to speak to them; talking in normal volume or loudly on the phone in the midst of others trying to have a conversation, watch a show, eat a meal, etc.


>Launching immediately into announcements when someone enters a room, without greeting or ceremony.
(Many of these, including this one, can also be seen in those who are having some kind of difficulty, such as those who are "under the influence", those with certain cognitive issues, and those who have dementia for various reasons; also sometimes Asperger's or autism may show this. Also sometimes in those who are dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or an abusive situation. ~ With this example, for instance, a person entering the room can be like a trigger to talk, to connect to another human being. OR, the behavior might have an agenda of Control and/or subjugation behind it if the person is actually a Narcissist. A person could have both Narcissism and another issue going on. Finding out the person's real motives and issues can be a challenge, but it means the difference between being a "target" and simply being in contact with someone with some kind of disability, be it temporary or permanent. Having healthy boundaries and awareness make it possible, and easier, to discern and to deal with either one.)

Social Signals That Controllers And Narcissists Pick Up On

Three common social signals that we probably don't realize we're doing, that indicate "submission", "weakness", "inexperience", and/or "ignorance" to other humans, and especially Controllers and Narcissists:

Looking away from direct eye contact, either before or after making eye contact, or both;
Lowering the shoulders and turning the body away so we're not facing the other person with "shoulders back" and "head up";
ASKING QUESTIONS.

The first two are pretty obvious to most people, although most people who do them may not realize they're doing it, or how often.
The third is not so obvious. If we pay close attention, we can hear a pattern in any culture or group:
Who is asking questions, who is using a "question?" tone, and who is answering the questions.

In a "status hierarchy", being the One Who Does Not Know is lower status than the One Who Knows.

If the relationships between people don't have status, hierarchy, and dominance issues, then people don't pay much attention to WHO KNOWS WHAT. Information is neutral, no one "owns" information, no one cares if they know something or don't know something that someone else does or doesn't.
But in a status hierarchy where people are vying for dominance and "recognition", and others are making submission gestures (to gain the approval of those who are "dominant" and appear "NICE"), QUESTIONS are the fastest and most effective gesture.

In such groups and relationships, those who are displaying submission with questions and a question tone will ask about things they already know the answer to, or they could easily find out on their own.
Even more importantly, in such groups and relationships, those who are seeking "dominant status" will ANSWER questions REGARDLESS of their ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE.

The interaction is NOT ABOUT INFORMATION. The actual information is secondary to the submission/dominance display. When people are used to this and it's normalized in their culture and community, they will rationalize the whole interaction in order to prevent it from becoming exposed. Both the submission and the dominance displayers are doing it for personal reasons, for a kind of gain or for survival, whether they're conscious of it or not. Therefore the subconscious does not want it exposed for what it is.

 

Further still, in cultures, communities, and groups where this "question/answer" interaction display is normalized, many take it to another level. Manipulators may use BOTH or EITHER the "Question" gesture OR the "Answer" display to affect an outcome, to get what they want. Which one they use most simply depends on which works for them personally, and who they're trying to manipulate. 

For example a woman in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Question tone and gesture to get a MAN to assist or help her, but she might use the Answer gesture to display dominance over another woman. A man in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Answer gesture more often than not, because male Controllers are often very insecure and worried about appearing inexperienced to others, thereby risking their perceived "Dominant Status". 

Many take the Answer display gesture so far that it becomes transparent and obvious, constantly giving "answers" and "information" whether anyone was asking or not. This is a flag of Narcissistic disorder, because Narcissists don't pay attention to the ability, intelligence, or experience of others, especially if they have not initially assessed the person as "Elite",  "Expert", or "Authority".  They are always trying to be the Expert over someone else., and strangely, they often do this even MORE around an actual expert.  

(A Narcissist who is stuck in this Answer Display gesture would explain how to play a guitar to Nancy Wilson and Muriel Anderson, lecture about the brutality of war to a Viet Nam veteran,  pontificate about the importance of World Peace to the Dalai Lama, and condescend to Margaret Thatcher about "what it takes" to be a government official. So try not to take it too personally when one of them talks down to you like your a novice, a small child, or completely clueless.)

 

Prejudice: The Lifeblood Of The Controller's Agenda

Controllers do what they can personally get away with.

A controller woman is going to be noticed by others bossing around an all male construction crew, but she is probably not going to be noticed giving unsolicited advice to or micro-bossing another woman, or her daughter.

A controller man is going to be noticed if he tries criticizing and lording over different hairstyles of the women or girls around him, but he'll probably get away with bullying his male coworkers who are shorter than he is, whether it's an office setting or a trade environment.

Severe controllers especially, like those with NPD, narcissistic sociopaths and psychopaths learn what they can personally get away with according to the expectations, social conditioning, prejudices, and naivete of other people.

A male tradesperson Controller, such as a carpenter, will get away with gaslighting, sabotaging, and bullying a female coworker, subordinate, or even a boss all day long because they are both surrounded mostly by people who have prejudices against female humans working in trades. ~Many male tradesmen who don't have this prejudice issue STILL won't stand up for her because they don't want to be targeted next, and they don't see a benefit for themselves in standing up for her. ~Many females who are also in the trades won't stand up for her because many of them are Narcissistic themselves, and want to be the "Exceptional Girl" in the sea of males, and don't want to be de-throned; OR they are not Narcissistic at all, but also fear being targeted next, and fear losing their jobs and positions. (Fear is the Controller's best friend and favorite tool, right above shame, anxiety and confusion).

Customers will rarely stand up either, both males and females for similar reasons as her fellow tradespeople, and with other issues added such as resenting women who don't stay inside the very small parameters of what they think females "should" be, and who resent any woman who is doing something they think they aren't capable of themselves. There are also women who envy other women who are actually working in jobs such as building trades because they were kept from doing it themselves.

Building trades have an added factor of "tough" and "strong" combined with "skilled" and "capable", which seems to send a lot of people around the bend when they see a woman who is perfectly capable of it, since they had thoroughly bought into the cultural myth that only men ('masculine' men) are truly capable.

A female Controller who has an administrative position in a hospital, a healthcare setting, or a school, for example, is more likely to get away with bullying, sabotaging, and micromanaging staff and subordinates, as long as she doesn't do it to anyone above a certain "hierarchy status". If the "upper echelon" at the hospital does not feel the effects of her manipulation and control PERSONALLY, then she is likely to keep getting away with whatever she's doing to those too low on the Totem Pole to get anyone to listen.




Controllers find power when they align themselves with the cultural myths that people believe about their physical bodies and appearance. A Controller who is a tall, athletic-looking man is going to get promoted much faster in a corporate environment because of the pervasive stereotype that so many human beings still hold in their heads regarding tall males. A Controller who is a broad-shouldered female of at least average height is going to get promoted much faster in a healthcare setting, because of the similar pervasive stereotypes that so many human beings hold in their heads about what a capable healthcare worker looks like. The list goes on and on. Those who match physical stereotypes are HANDED power and control. Those who don't match, but who are Controllers who seek power, have to figure out how to get it another way.

In personal relationships, families, and communities, the gender roles are extremely clear and obvious to anyone who actually looks, and keeping them alive and well are the Controllers, NPD's, and narcissistic Sociopaths. Gender roles and prejudices, racial prejudices, religious prejudices, political party prejudices and stereotypes are the LIFEBLOOD of the Controller's (Narcissist's) agenda. Without these things, it would be much harder to orchestrate and control people's actions, keep them oppressed, keep them ignorant, and take their money. From personal relationships, to businesses local and global, to schools, to local communities, to cults, to Hollywood, to the music industry, to national governments and global relations, Narcissistic Controllers depend on the "little people's" prejudices against each other to keep them in power, and keep them in the green.

Conditioning, Stereotypes, False Beliefs

An unfortunate side effect of growing up in any imbalanced, dysfunctional community, culture, or family is that EVERYONE gets conditioned to believe certain things, and go along with things, and react in certain ways.

Even if we are fully aware that something is not right, or "off", we can still keep repeating the pattern. That's what conditioning does: it teaches our SUBCONSCIOUS to see things a certain way and believe certain things, and even feel certain emotions about various things (and people) in our world, so we just think of them as "the way things are".

Weirder still, if something we see with our own eyes CONTRADICTS something that we hold as a subconscious belief, our brains tell us to LOOK AWAY. Our subconscious does not want us to see this contradiction.
Why~? Because if one of the beliefs we hold is shown to be wrong, then whatever is connected to it is probably ALSO wrong. Our subconscious does not want to have to review our entire perception of the world, it wants to keep things just the way they are, especially if we seem safe enough, and reasonably content.

For example, even if we become consciously aware that garter snakes are harmless, we will still recoil when we see one if we were conditioned by those around us to fear snakes.

Many people think of snakes as "slimy" like earthworms or eels, which is completely false... That belief came from somewhere, but NOT from reality. So where did it come from if there is literally zero truth in it? Snakes are definitely NOT slimy, and yet there are many, many humans who seem utterly convinced that they are. That's like believing that cake is made out of cement; it's not true, it's false. So where does the belief come from?

Why do seemingly logical, thinking human beings believe all kinds of erroneous, false things, such as "All Snakes Are Dangerous" or "Snakes Are Slimy"? Where did the beliefs come from in the first place, and why don't people doubt them?

They believe it, and don't doubt it, because the beliefs were "implanted" in their subconscious. They didn't learn it consciously in a classroom, being taught directly by an instructor. They learned it "by the wayside"~ from being around others who already harbored these beliefs. They also may have been taught "wrong" from people who may have purposely intended for them to fear snakes so they wouldn't touch them as children.

Where does this all lead?
It's one thing to believe that all snakes are dangerous, resulting in something harmless such as a person never picking up a snake they see in the driveway. This belief allows people to get away with never learning to recognize the different species of snakes. I don't have to learn which snakes are dangerous if I just don't touch any of them. Believing snakes are SLIMY is just an additional embellishment that deters people from picking them up. Snakes are NOT slimy at all, but if one is never going to touch one, then the false belief doesn't make much of a difference.

But what about when that same process happens with human beings? When people in a culture are conditioned in blanket beliefs about human beings, it makes a very large impact on their daily lives. And because we internalize these conditioned beliefs, our subconscious DEFENDS them as "REAL", as "THE WAY THINGS REALLY ARE".

The impact this has had throughout the history on our species has been overwhelmingly negative. And the impact this has on our day to day individual lives is also quite negative, although many will, of course, deny it, since it seems to them that they are not being affected in a negative way.

Some of these beliefs are known as "stereotypes", and many will even defend them with a statement such as "stereotypes always have a grain of truth in them". Well, we can say that about literally any fiction or blatant lie we make up, that process is called "rationalizing". The drunk driver often rationalizes why he or she was driving a car while intoxicated, and there will probably be a "grain of truth" in the story. But one grain certainly does not make a beach full of sand.

We LIKE to believe false things that BENEFIT OURSELVES.

False beliefs about human beings that are commonly held are usually centered around race, ancestry, body size, gender, and physical attractiveness. Many humans tend to LIKE to believe stereotypes such as: that those of Asian ancestry are naturally better at math, African ancestry are naturally better at sports and dancing, Indian ancestry are more peaceful and enlightened, Irish ancestry are jolly but like to fight and drink, and Italian ancestry are better at cooking but have connections to organized crime, etc., etc.

Every ancestry it seems carries some kind of blanket stereotype. When we see a person who matches the stereotype, our subconscious gives itself a pat on the back and says "SEE? I WAS RIGHT!"
But what happens with all the people we meet who don't fit the stereotype?
Our subconscious IGNORES these contradictions, and even DELETES them. If someone points out the contradiction, the response is often "Well there's always an exception to the rule" or "The exception proves the rule"... which is just bad science. If there is a "rule", then it's always true, there are no exceptions. If the "rule" is shown to have an exception, then it was NOT CORRECT in the first place.

One of the more sinister results of conditioning is the fact that we end up believing false things about OURSELVES as well, along with OUR FAMILY MEMBERS, and others around us as well.
If one of the fictions we were conditioned to believe as real, for example, is "dark-skinned people aren't good at math", then when we go looking for an accountant to hire, who are we going to choose? If everyone in our region was conditioned in this same belief, then what will be the result for an African descent person? Unchallenged conditioned beliefs are so strong that even if we found out that the African ancestry accountant was a Math Whiz who won various awards and received recognition for their ability and skill, we would STILL NOT HIRE them if we had a choice between them and a non-African. Only those who were not conditioned with this belief, OR who purposely challenged their OWN conditioning, would hire this person.

We can go further down that road, and pit a MALE African descent accountant against another accountant who is a FEMALE, and of Asian ancestry. Now, the person's conditioning about the abilities of Males vs. Females comes into play, ON TOP OF their conditioned beliefs about African descent vs. Asian descent.
Who will they hire?
Add to this mix an Italian male accountant. Now who will they hire?
Let's make the African male accountant SHORT, the Asian female accountant average height, and the Italian male accountant TALL.
Now?
What happens when we add a fourth candidate, a blonde Norwegian descent female accountant? Who is SHORT?
What happens if the Norwegian female accountant is TALL?

How about if the Italian male accountant is SHORT, and the African male accountant is TALL and athletic looking? What happens if the Asian female is older, heavy, wears glasses? And the Norwegian female has serious facial scars? Which one would you hire?
What happens if every one of them has an UNFRIENDLY personality, or if they're all equally very pleasant and polite?

There is absolutely zero information in the physical descriptions of the four candidates that shows their ability, skill, or experience. The only candidate who's ability was mentioned was the African male accountant. NO ONE else's ability was even mentioned, therefore assessing that the African male accountant is the BEST candidate is still an ASSUMPTION. He might have received recognition, but the others may have also, and may have received more. OR, they may have not received any.

There is not enough information to make a decision, or assess which accountant would be the most reliable and skilled.

AND YET, we humans will make that decision ANYWAY, based on nothing more than our own pre-conditioned subconscious beliefs that are not based at all in reality. And we will actually pat ourselves on the back, comfortably believing that we made the best choice.

We project these same conditioned false beliefs onto those around us, and onto OURSELVES as well. So if we've been conditioned to believe that MEN ARE NOT GOOD AT LAUNDRY (because they're somehow mentally deficient in this area), we'll project that onto our husbands, brothers, and SONS. That means we are sending them the message that we believe they have a mental deficiency! How cruel is that, and how presumptuous? It certainly isn't giving them any support or boost of confidence.

And if we are a MAN who grew up in this same "belief system", we will believe this about OURSELVES, and about other men around us. Buying into a belief that we are "deficient" in something as basic as laundry, and BASED ON OUR PHYSICAL BODIES that we were BORN with, is about as self-defeating and self-sabotaging as one can get. But we were TAUGHT this ridiculous belief by others around us, and even though it's obviously a fallacy, we internalized it, and made it seem like a part of the fabric of the human species. Like it's TRUE, and real.

We are doing our sons a disservice when we project such lame deficiencies on them, and their future wives will probably believe it about them as well if they grew up in a similar culture. And our sons will project their false beliefs that they were conditioned to believe onto their own wives and DAUGHTERS, knocking them down the totem poll, which is devastating to any child's development. If our son ends up having a son and a daughter, how will he raise them if his subconscious believes that one of them is superior to the other? Even if it's in "only certain areas", he is going to ASSUME that one of them is INFERIOR to the other, and he'll treat them accordingly. He won't care about finding out what each child is actually interested in, or what each child wants to learn, or what each child is inspired to do. He'll simply teach one of them certain things, and the other something else, and he won't even question himself.
If he has bought into the cultural stereotype that girls can't play baseball like boys can, or aren't interested, then he will probably play catch and practice hitting for hours on end with his son, creating a wonderful parent-child bond, but he'll leave his daughter out. If he does include her, he'll treat her like a little "mascot", not really teaching her much at all or giving her expectations, but treat his son as the "real deal".
If his wife has been conditioned in the same way, she will GO ALONG WITH IT, and discipline their daughter when she expresses being upset about it, or dismiss her sadness and protests completely.

Humans And Companionship

Humans are hard-wired for companionship. We're biologically "group animals". Our brains are designed for us to live and survive with other humans, around other humans, next to other humans.

Optimally, our ideal living situation is to live in close proximity to one or more human beings who have healthy boundaries, who are mutually respectful, supportive, and lighthearted, who are honest and straightforward, and who respect one another genuinely.

When we live in close proximity with humans who are controlling, critical, and/or domineering, we are not living in an optimum environment for us to flourish. Like plants that are kept in a small container, our growth is stunted. When we live near others who don't respect us as persons, or our personal space, or our possessions, we can become anxious and depressed. Our ability to function is slowed and thwarted, and sometimes even halted.
Controllers will often sabotage the growth and function of their targets, and then blame the targets for their lack of growth and function, just like a person who buys a rosebush but puts it in the shed and doesn't water it, and then says it was a defective rose bush.

When we live alone, we don't have to deal with a Controller in our midst, but we are also missing the positive elements of good companionship.

It's a Catch-22 for we Human beings. We're supposed to have companionship and live near and with others, but those others need to be positive, respectful, and supportive (and us as well) in order for everyone to grow and live happy and healthy. In such an environment, anyone who needs extra support or help receives it as a matter of course, no big heroism required, everyone is already there.
But if the others are non-supportive, disrespectful, and self-centered, then the only time anyone who needs support and extra help will get it is when someone stands up against the negative current and rescues them. This is not how it's supposed to be. Heroism isn't needed in a genuinely healthy and functioning human environment.

So unless we are living and interacting on a daily basis with or near positive, emotionally healthy and integrity-minded human beings, our environment is not "optimal" for our health and happiness. Just like any other creature; plant or animal. We aren't always "at fault" for not being completely happy and feeling completely "whole", our surroundings play a large role. We ARE one of the humans who are making the environment either more positive or more negative for ourselves and others, and at the same time we are not, as individuals, WHOLLY responsible for the entire environment. We are responsible, and so is everyone else.