Self-Preservation vs. Narcissism; Three Tales Of Three Brothers

Why is one behavior self-preservation, and another "Narcissism"?

Since humans are born with built-in survival mechanisms, like all life forms, we all have self-serving behaviors automatically if we have "normally" functioning self-preservation and self-care. Making sure we breathe, eat, sleep, and protect ourselves from the elements and from harm are embedded in our normal and healthy brains when we're born.

Self-preservation is normal and healthy, but Narcissism is detrimental to the species. The difference between them shows in our interaction with others.
~
So between a group of 3 brothers, there is one loaf of bread, a half pound of ham, and one pint of milk. If all 3 brothers share the bread, ham, and milk equally, then all 3 get enough nourishment to go about their day. Their goal for the day is acquiring more resources. All 3 of them go to town and build a stone wall together, for which all 3 are paid. The bread, ham and milk gave them the strength to do this task, and now they have combined money enough to get more food, pay their rent, and buy more tools. They share the home comfortably because they treat one another with respect, and respect one another's space, privacy, preferences, stuff, and basic  needs.
(No one invades the other's room, takes their stuff, or interrupts their sleep or concentration. No one belittles or demeans anyone else. When someone is sad or angry, they are supported, not rejected. When someone has an idea or an observation, the others hear them out with interest and courtesy. When someone needs something, the others share willingly.)
The brothers also share a mutual love for music, humor, and wildlife. They sing and play together all the time, and hike and swim in the lake whenever they get the chance.

With a safe and sound place to live and sleep, food to nourish them, and more tools, they work together cooperatively and build a stone Church, for which they are paid well. Now they're also building their reputation, because people saw them working, listened to their polite manner, and are talking well about them.

With the money they were paid from the Church, they pay their rent, buy more food, and build a shed to store their tools.

As time goes by, their work improves, their reputation grows, and their business prospers. Each of them speaks highly of the other two publicly, never disparaging or implying negativity, so their reputation keeps expanding. In private, they treat each other well, even when they're in disagreement. They treat others with the same ethics and fairness as one another, so they don't have conflict regarding "ethical decisions" or financial decisions. They simply do their best, treating others the way they would want to be treated.

When one brother is insulted and disparaged by a mutual acquaintance, the other two don't hesitate to stand up for him; the targeted brother feels safe and secure - "backed up", and the gossip is shut down before it spreads.

When one brother falls in love, the other two are welcoming to her and supportive of their union, and consider her another member of the family when they marry. They respect her as a person the same as they respect one another, and don't ever treat her like she's "other" or "not one of them".

When there are children, they are welcomed with joy and celebration, and are treated always as "belonging" to the clan. They grow up in this respectful atmosphere, learning courtesy, civility, respect, empathy, caring, cooperation and supportiveness. by watching the adults around them, and being treated this way. The brothers' business grows, and the children who are interested learn the skills, joining the business. The adults don't try to "assign" certain skills to certain children; they teach all the children the skills, regardless of their sex or their size. The children themselves reveal their interest and ability while they're all being taught equally.

~~~   ~~~   ~~~

In another place, there are 3 brothers who have one loaf of bread, a half pound of ham, and one pint of milk between them. One of the brothers decides that he needs more nourishment because he's slightly larger, and that the smallest brother needs less. So, he consumes half of everything, leaving the other half for the two brothers to split. The middle brother decides he needs more than the smallest brother, so he takes more than half of what's left, leaving the smallest brother with a very small portion.

The three of them go to town together where they see a sign "help wanted". All three enter the building and approach the manager, who says "I need a stone wall built out front."
One brother says "Oh I can do that no problem! I'll start this afternoon!" The second brother says "Oh hell I'll start right now, if you have the tools!"
The third brother says "I'll help either one of you, let's get started~" but the manager says "You're too small to do this job, let your brothers do it."

Now, instead of the other brothers standing up for their smaller brother, they laugh and go along with the manager's arrogant put-down.
The smallest brother leaves, going to look for another place to work. The other two stay, and argue over who gets to be "the boss" while they try to build the stone wall.
Since they didn't really know how to build the wall, they lose the job after a few days. The smallest brother was the only one with masonry experience, but they apparently forgot about that in their ego tripping with the manager.

In the meantime, the smallest brother found a job cleaning in a local hotel. His pay isn't very good, but at least he can buy food.
Since the other two wasted three days trying to fake being stone masons, they don't have any food or money. They see that their smaller brother has a job, so they plead with him to help them out. He feels badly for them and hands them his hard-earned money, forgetting that he doesn't get paid again for a week. Now he has to scrape by. When he runs out of food, he goes to his brothers and asks for help; they make fun of him, call him a "loser", and throw him a crust of bread. He makes it through to the next paycheck, but when he goes to cash it, his brothers are back, begging for more.

This pattern continues until one of the other brothers gets a job at a local bar. When he realizes he is getting paid more than the smallest brother, he returns to his habit of treating him like a "loser". The second brother notices this, and tries to create a faction with the smallest brother in order to get him to continue to support him.

In the meantime, they are behind on their rent and are falling behind on their bills. The smallest brother tries to pick up the slack, but can't actually afford to support all three of them on his  paycheck. The one with the job at the bar buys his own food, but refuses to share, and seems to always need help with his share of the rent, even though he makes more money.

The second brother finds a job at local restaurant. Now the three of them each have a job, but they are barely making enough to cover their expenses, and after being exploited and demeaned, even the smallest brother is wary of sharing.

The smallest brother tries to get a second job to take up the slack, but strangely, no one seems interested in hiring him, even though he has an excellent work record. He can't figure it out! Until one day he overhears his brothers talking in town to a group of acquaintances, putting him down, making fun of his smaller stature, implying to everyone that he's not only inept, has no common sense, but is also a weakling with "short man's syndrome". With disparagement like that, of course no one will hire him!

When no one is home, each of the two older brothers go through the others' possessions, looking for things to steal and sell. Several times the youngest brother finds that something he had acquired was missing, costing him the money he had paid for it  every time. One time is was a set of stone masonry tools for the brothers to start their own business again, another time it was an antique chair he had gotten for a very good price that he had planned on selling for a good return, another time it was a rare coin collection that he had acquired, that was worth a great deal of money (that he had planned on using to open a restaurant). Little things always go missing as well, and no one ever seems to have any knowledge about it. Thousands simply "disappear" this way, along with the plans and goals for each missing item.

Years go by, and the three brothers still have the same jobs and still struggle. The two brothers still scapegoat and diminish the third brother, and still talk him into paying any extra bills.
When the third and smallest brother meets a lovely and very kind woman, the other two make it a point to treat her with disrespect to "show her" how tough and self-righteous they are, until she finally can't take anymore and moves far away.

More years go by and nothing really changes, because when one brother gains something, another one takes it away or sabotages him. The smallest brother wants to leave and improve his life, but can't seem to get past his fear of change and fear of failure in the world.

One of them finally meets a woman who has children, and moves in with her. She supports him in the same way the smallest brother supported him, and in return he doesn't help her very much at all, and treats her children with contempt. She puts up with it anyway, convinced that she's better off with any man than being single.
The other two brothers stay where they were, and don't really see the other brother much, or the children.
The children grow up and repeat a similar pattern as their mother and stepfather.
That's pretty much all there is, they all just grow old and eventually pass away, believing that they had been dealt a "losing hand".

~~~    ~~~   ~~~

In another town, 3 more brothers have a loaf of bread, a half pound of ham, and a pint of milk between them. One of the brothers steals all of it while the others are asleep, and consumes it all. He finds a wealthy man in another town and befriends him, and never mentions his brothers. With his learned deception, he fools the man into believing he is trustworthy and has a lot of experience. The man hires him. He kisses up to the wealthy man so much that the man falls for the flattery and promotes him to a high position in the company, paying him a large salary. The wealthy man never catches on that this man has manipulated him in so many ways; he doesn't even know about the embezzling or the selling of insider information because he trusts him so much. Wealthy and powerful, he lives in a beautiful home with a wife (whom he married because he thinks tall, thin women are "trophies", not because he likes her as a best friend or loves her) and three cats. He sends his brothers Christmas cards every year with a picture of the house on the cover. They have asked his assistance a couple of times but stopped after his third rant, berating them and calling them "losers".

In the meantime, the two other brothers struggled for a long time, finally landing low paying jobs in a mill. Their brother's betrayal and the destruction of their family traumatized them more than they realize, and they feel inside like they're incapable, unwanted and not belonging in the world. They keep trying to make something of their lives through the years, unaware of the real reason they can't seem to make things "work out"; their hearts are broken and they have bought into their brothers' cruel (and completely false) assessment of them as "losers". 

They both eventually find love, and have children, and create pretty decent lives for themselves, but they don't ever feel "complete" or genuinely happy; there's always something missing. They don't reach their dreams, and they decide that life is just counting the years going by, making the best of it until your days are done. The children pick up on this of course, and also have a hard time  finding fulfillment or like they really belong, or deserve success. Since this is what their parents believe, their parents don't try to convince them otherwise, or help or encourage them to fulfill their dreams.

And so the stories continue...

By M.M.Black ©2013

Freedom Fighters, Control Freaks, Patriarchy, Matriarchy

Trying to "knock someone off their high-horse" is a common behavior in a narcissism-infused community or group.
The behavior is fueled mostly by fear of rejection and disfavor, desire for approval and acceptance,  self-righteousness, envy, and the desire to dominate.
~
Women and girls are targeted more than men IF a narcissistic community is Patriarchal, because Controllers are dependent on the false hierarchy already created in their region to maintain their control. This goes for both male and female Controllers.

(Football plays don't work very well in a baseball game, so if the game that you're good at is Football, you're going to want everyone to keep playing Football. Female Controllers don't want other females to gain confidence and therefore esteem and power; they want things to stay the way they are so they can use the tools they've learned within the game that's already in play. Female Controllers HELP male Controllers oppress females; that takes half the population out of the "competition" for recognition and resources. and therefore power and privilege, which is the Controller's main focus, whether it's in a small local group, or a large organization, business or government.)

If the community was Matriarchal and narcissistic, then men would be targeted more often in order to keep THAT hierarchy intact.
The same thing occurs in regions where one race holds power over another; Controllers of all races tend to "play the system" the way it's already set up, they don't want it to change, because they know how to play it the way it is.
~
The exception to this rule is when a Controller desires the TOP power positions, then they will often create a cult to help them carry out their agenda to topple the current hierarchy, and replace it with their OWN.
These kind of Controllers will play the "race card" or "freedom card" right to the moment they "win", but as soon as they achieve the power position they were seeking, they implement the exact same oppressive hierarchy that they pretended to be against. They didn't actually WANT "freedom and respect for everyone", their real goal was to REPLACE the King or Queen, and gain power and privilege for themselves. They will often turn the tables once they achieve the position, rallying hatred and oppression toward other groups, or they may keep the oppression just the way it was.
~
Genuine "freedom fighters" and "peace warriors" don't seek the position of power as a general rule, they seek to spread awareness and peace, and to uncover the dynamics of Narcissism (control, corruption, oppression, crime, bullying). Since their focus is not trying to amass a cult, posse, or army of hostile bullies like Controllers do (because they are genuinely about PEACE), there is a long trail of persecution against them throughout human history; they are usually targeted by Narcissists and their followers who don't want them to spread awareness, be an example for others to see, or teach true peace.

~M. Black

Judging A Book By Its Cover

If people didn't judge others on superficial appearances, and make assumptions about them based on the way they look, then half the business world would shut down. There would be no booming market for clothing, hair, shiny new cars and trucks, nails, shoes, "beauty" products, make up, plastic surgery, dental cosmetics, or jewelry. There would be no huge market for home improvement or landscaping. There would be no big market for "body art", or shows about "style", and hardly any magazines at all. There would be no sexism, racism, weightism, or heightism.
Denying that it's all over the place just reveals that one does it even more than average, and is trying to hide it.
Just because it's common doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with it. Judging others based on their superficial appearance and then treating them according to these assumptions (which are not based in fact, but in one's own emotions and prejudices) is the single most common form of bullying and discrimination.

From Star Struck to Devaluation

Being stuck in the preadolescent stage of being "star struck" is part of the mystery behind devaluation. (Devaluation is when a person seems to suddenly decide that a person they admired or held in high esteem is now unattractive, less worthy, or holds no "value" as a person.)

The person who is stuck in this stage only sees those who are in some kind of limelight or position of authority as "Worthy" or "Knowledgeable". They tend to admire those they don't know well, or don't know at all, who seem beyond reach.

People they know personally are usually categorized (in their minds) as "just regular people" with no expertise or experience beyond their own. For example if their brother is a Neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins, he's "just a doctor", but if that brother's coworker, another Neurosurgeon, was being recognized at a ceremony or on TV, then THAT guy "knows what he's talking about". They will probably even advise their brother to "listen to that guy, he knows his stuff". Or ask their "just a doctor" brother what it's like to work near such a SMART MAN.

When a person stuck in this stage sees or meets a new person, they immediately assess whether the person has some kind of fame or authority (even on a local level), or is "just a regular person". They will automatically admire, follow, seek approval from, or pursue a personal relationship with the person if they have assessed them as having authority or popularity. If they've assessed the person as "just Regular", they will often be dismissive and even disrespectful toward the person. In their minds, anyone who holds some kind of authority or popularity automatically "deserves" their extra respect, and anyone who doesn't is not worthy of genuine respect, and should not expect it.
~
When those who are stuck in this stage find a new person whom they assess as having authority or popularity, they will often pursue a relationship with them (platonic or romantic). Eventually they will, of course, find out that the person is "Just a Regular Person", because that's just reality~ there is no other kind of human being, every person is a "Regular Person" regardless of their level of fame or position of authority. When they see that this "Great Person" is just a "Regular Person", they will often become very disappointed, like a kid who finds out that Superman was a "Regular Person" in a costume, or that the Tooth Fairy was their Mom or Dad, or that Alice Cooper is more of a history and science nerd who plays golf than a "Rock Star".

However, unlike adults who get to know the person better on a more intimate level, building friendship and trust, and become genuine friends with them, they instead BLAME the person for NOT actually being Superman, or Santa, or a permanent Super Model, or a Rock Star. They will REJECT the person, and treat them with blatant disrespect, as if they are suddenly unworthy of even common courtesy and civility. It appears that the Star Struck person's sudden disdain toward the target person can be likened to a feeling of betrayal, as if the object of their fantasy had PURPOSELY "tricked" them into believing they were something that they were not.

For a person to fulfill the Star Struck person's fantasy version of themselves, they would have to be one-dimensional, and ONLY EVER BE this image of whatever the Star Struck person holds in their head. Fulfilling this image is not even in the realm of possibility. ALL human beings are "Regular People" with real personalities, needs, quirks, shortsightedness, and ups and downs. Only those who are purposely faking their personality, or who are literally insane, don't show other facets of themselves.

The Star Struck also are easy prey for Political Leaders, Sports Franchises, Religious Cults, and Media Franchises, because they so adulate those with any kind of fame or authority, and therefore will follow and believe them easily.

They can not really be loyal, faithful, or trustworthy, either as partners, friends, or in business, because their "loyalty" is based on their idealization of a person. Once they see someone as a "Regular Person", they are no longer enamored with them, and become bored very quickly. They will then find a NEW person to follow or pursue, a new person whom they see as having "authority", or some level of "fame", popularity, or power.
If the "old" person appears to gain popularity, wealth, or authority, the Star Struck person will often contact them again, seeking to "re-connect" with them, trying to make them believe they had always cared about them and have good intentions toward them.

Do More Men Cheat?

It's no big mystery about why there are more men who cheat regularly than women who cheat. Boys are TAUGHT by men around them and by this current society at large that it's some kind of "male privilege" to act out their sexual impulses, and that it's perfectly okay to lie to women, that females are LESSER CREATURES, therefore they really "don't need" to be loyal or practice genuine integrity toward them... they are instructed that it's only required to FAKE IT, and then all will be well, and the ditzy little females will never know (because they're so dumb)... 

Men who can think for themselves know better, and understand what "ethics" and "integrity" are. But there are many more who swallow whatever they're fed.

(The fact that this is so common says a lot about the average intelligence of humans in general.)

Girls Care, Boys Don't?

One of the very large differences in the way most boys and girls are raised in many current cultures revolves around being taught to care for others or NOT being taught to care for others, and being allowed to ignore the needs of others in order to accomplish one's own personal goals.
There are degrees of this disparity, of course, and exceptions. In general, however, girls are directly taught that caregiving is one's "duty", and are often shamed for focusing on one's own goals and not making themselves always available to care for someone else. Boys, on the other hand (in general), are directly taught the OPPOSITE; that caregiving is NOT their priority, neither to others nor to themselves (or even children), and that it's perfectly fine to ignore the needs of others when focusing on one's own goals. Some are even taught that this is a "masculine" way to be, unfortunately.


To think of this in action, one might easily picture in their mind a brother and a sister of about 9 and 10 years old. When their Aunt takes ill and is confined to bed rest for a time, the other adults are predictable in their actions and guidance toward each child. Instead of caring for the Aunt and sending both children off to do their homework or play with their friends, or both being directed to help care for her, the children are usually separated in such a situation. Sister is actively and directly guided to help care for the Aunt: fetch a glass of water, fetch a cool cloth, bring medicine, sit by her and talk with her, speak in hushed tones, feel her forehead to see if it's warm. Help serve her soup and tea. Fluff her pillow. Straighten her blankets. Sister is getting positive attention and approval (in some families it's the only time she receives it), and she feels like she is being allowed to join in the adult's responsibilities.
The other thing that's happening is that Sister is being interrupted from her personal interests, from playing with her friends, and getting taken away from completing some of her other chores and also her school work. She's being given the message that caregiving for another is the number one priority, and she can and should eschew everything else in order to do this, no matter how important the task is that she was working on. Friendships are made trivial and unimportant, and so is her own self-care.
Brother, however, is dismissed from this situation. He is allowed to scurry away from the "sick room" where his Aunt lays ill, even though his sister was made to stay in spite of her discomfort. He is not guided or taught to help with any caregiving except perhaps fetching a glass of water or an occasional tray of tea, from which he is allowed to quickly retreat, regardless of the blatant rudeness. He is even encouraged to go play with his friends, and is commanded to finish his homework (and left to it) just like any other day.
While Sister is being taught to prioritize caregiving for another above her own tasks and goals, and how to actually do it, Brother is being allowed and encouraged to reject the very idea of giving care to another, and is being discouraged from thinking of himself as a person who is capable of caregiving. He is not being taught any knowledge or skills regarding it either.
Both Sister and Brother are being directly conditioned to believe that girls are "supposed to" be caregivers for others, and should put that above everything else in their life, and that boys are "supposed to" not know how to do it, and are allowed and expected to put everything else in their life ahead of caring for others.
Eventually they will both come to forget that they were TAUGHT these things purposely and directly, and will buy into the conditioned belief that "girls are naturally good at it" and have to do it INSTEAD OF anything else or they are "bad women", and "boys are not naturally good at it" and CAN'T do it, and SHOULDN'T because they have "more important things to do" (everything else is "more important").

(So if caregiving is the number one priority for one person, because it's so important, then how is it the lowest priority in another person's life, and very unimportant... ahh the human mind, rationalizing and creating excuses is it's number one talent.)

Both of these extremes block progress and create unhealthy paradigms. Women who are not naturally "good at" caregiving often end up as caregivers anyway, even getting jobs and making careers of something they're not well-suited for, to the detriment of those they are "caring" for. Men who ARE naturally "good at" caregiving are often discouraged from it and directed toward some other work that they may or may not be suited for, and are often shamed for being "too caring" toward children, partners, and others, again to the detriment of themselves and everyone around them.
Women and men are BOTH "directed" and shamed into someone else's prefabricated gender roles instead of developing their own talents and goals, often passed down over several generations, so we end up with large numbers of people who are doing jobs they're not really that good at, that someone else would be BETTER AT because it's an actual INTEREST of theirs; and people who are NOT doing the jobs they WOULD HAVE THRIVED IN, because they're the "wrong sex".
We as a species destroy our own progress, peace, safety, health and happiness in this way every day.

Shame, Money, Resources, and Control

There are specific reasons why Controllers project shame onto targets regarding money and resources.

~

Controllers usually do not want to share their resources. An easy albeit immature way to avoid having to share one's resources is to cast shame on anyone who might request assistance, or on anyone they owe money to~ both persons and business entities.

~

That shame might take any form, whatever the Controller thinks of. So the target might be called "needy" or a "loser". This makes the Controller seem like a person who "deserves" to have more resources than the target, and is therefore justified in not sharing or helping them.

The target might be called "greedy" or "controlling" for expecting payment for work done, something they're selling, or money borrowed. This makes the Controller seem like a victim of another Controller, even though he or she consciously made a purchase, hired the person, or requested to borrow money. This martyr facade is meant to justify refusing to pay what's owed. 

Having, holding, and earning resources gives a person a measure of autonomy, freedom, and security. It also gives a person a measure of power and control, and with all of these things, a larger degree of confidence. Controllers DO NOT WANT anyone they want to dominate to have any of these; obviously it means they will not be able to dominate them and control them so easily, nor hide their own dealings so easily. Also, with more resources and confidence comes more respect from more people ~ (because so many people "respect" money and an  air of confidence or arrogance, not actual behavior or character) ~ so a person would have more influence, and any Controller who has manipulated or abused them will be at risk of being exposed; therefore Controllers are interested in keeping targets from gaining resources, success, a good reputation, and confidence. 

 Further still, Controllers want to have control over ALL of the resources, so they only want those whom they FAVOR to gain any of these things, and will actually block and prevent those they don't favor, who they can't control, who outshine them in some way, and who they don't think will favor them from gaining any of these things. 

(This can be seen on personal relationship/family levels, but is also seen in business, school, and government on both a personal and a group dynamic. Sexism, racism, and other "isms" are actually based very much in this.)

The target might be called "demanding" and "greedy" for politely requesting assistance or resources for small or large things, or for achieving a goal, even if the target is the child or other personal connection of the Controller. If the Controller does not have the resources needed, they could just say "no", but the projections on the target often indicate that the Controller actually does have enough to help and just doesn't want to.

On the flip side of that, a Controller who is "requesting" assistance won't take "no" for an answer, and will demand and try to shame or threaten the person they're asking into giving them what they want.

Both a Controller who holds resources/money, and a Controller who is requesting resources/money, feel that they are MORE ENTITLED to any resources/money, and the privileges and freedom it brings.

They will often cast shame and disparaging projections onto targets, trying to paint them as "undeserving" and "unworthy" of holding, earning, handling, inheriting, winning, or being paid back owed resources/money. 

 

Projecting shame and incompetence onto a target is a very common tactic used to divert them from LOOKING at a Controller's finances and dealings. If a target buys into the implication that she or he "wouldn't understand" or "isn't competent enough" regarding money or business handling, then the Controller successfully keeps everything hidden and covert. 

While money handling is a private affair, when all or some of those resources also belong to another person, they have the complete and total right to review and have ACCESS to them, and ask any question they want. Shaming the person serves as an electric fence, preventing them from requesting or demanding to review or to have direct access. (This tactic can be seen from personal relationships to families to businesses and local governments, all the way to large corporations and national governments.)

(Controllers/Narcissists edit their own history, deleting and dismissing support and help they received from others, and actually believing they built their resources and success with zero or extremely little support. They will especially delete support or help received from a person they're denying assistance to. They also seem to believe they were "entitled" to any assistance they received, be it emotional, financial, social, or promotional, as if someone who did not receive such help is simply not as "worthy" of a human being. In other words, when Joe gets John a job with his cousin's firm, but not Susan, John sees Joe's help as a natural consequence of his greatness, and the lack of Joe's help for Susan as a natural consequence of her being "less worthy". He's neither grateful to Joe, nor sympathetic toward Susan~ he just thinks he "deserves it" and that Susan does not, as a person.)

Self-Improvement Police

The "self-improvement police".
"You should cut your hair" "You should get this job" "You need to clean your car" "You dwell in the past" "You need to shave" "You need to lose weight/gain weight" "You're too sensitive" "You need counseling" "Stand still let me fix you" "You should get your teeth fixed/whitened" "You should do something else instead of what you're doing" "You need to organize this room" "You need to change your wardrobe" "You need to stop doing this, that, or the other thing" "That shirt is ugly" "You would look better if you wore more makeup" "Why are you interested in that, it's stupid" "You shouldn't spend so much time doing that" "You need to ...." "You should..." "You'd be better if...."
Narcissists are self-improvement police who appoint themselves judge and jury for others, but not for themselves.

A red flag that someone might be a Narcissist is their implications that you need "improving", whether it's your appearance, your outfit, your net worth, what you spend your time on, your interests, your aspirations, your financing, your parenting, the way you walk, talk, and carry yourself, the way you comb your hair and how you tie your shoes.

"But I just CARE about you!"

So if that's why they're doing it, why don't they like it when you do the same thing to them? Isn't it just a form of affection?
Why don't they do it to everyone they care about, why only certain people? Why aren't they giving unsolicited advice, constant fashion criticism, unasked for life-coaching, and picking lint off of other people in their lives?

Oh... because they don't NEED the advice, those people have it "all together" already... YOU need it because you're such a ...

So anyway, yes, it's a red flag. When people do this, they either already see the target as a "lesser person" than themselves, or are trying to make it that way, displaying domination and superiority over the target.

The motives are varied, they're probably used to doing it to someone else, and trust that they'll get away with it again, like eating grapes in the supermarket. They might believe they really ARE superior to the target. They might be envious of the target, and are trying to squish them and make them smaller. It might be all of these things at the same time. Whatever the motive is, the goal is to make themselves be the "better" and "bigger" person and the target "smaller" and "lesser".

Dalai Lama And Common Sense

This is just common sense, simple math, common logic. It's not some "high ideal". 

If more people actually had common sense like they profess to, they would get this from a mile away. 

If you want your food plants to grow and flourish, you give them sun, water, nutrients, air, and space, your consistent neutral and positive attention. and you don't cause them harm or neglect them. DUH! 

If you want your pets or farm animals to flourish, you give them sun, water, nutrients, air, space, and your consistent neutral and positive attention. 

If you want the society you live in and the groups you're part of to grow, flourish, and progress, you give them sun, water, nutrients, air, space, and your consistent neutral and positive attention. ~M.M.Black

 

"Some people consider the practice of love and compassion is only related to religious practice and if they are not interested in religion they neglect these inner values. But love and compassion are qualities that human beings require just to live together." ~The Dalai Lama

"It's Nice To Be Seen!"

A very common destructive behavior that humans will do, but Narcissists take to a higher level, is engage MORE, and engage more respectfully and enthusiastically, with "the public", with strangers, acquaintances, distant friends and relatives, than with those inside their "inner circle".
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A person's "inner circle" would be their partner, sibling, child, close friend, parent, other closer relative; anyone who's associated more closely than others with the person.
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(They'll also do this with other certain friends and associates, especially if the person is less aggressive and more polite, or 'happy go lucky', or smaller, or doesn't have a "posse";
if it appears that they will not receive CONSEQUENCES for dominating, bossing, and disrespecting them. )
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Obviously this behavior is to get a 'fix' of positive attention and approval, both for non-narcissists and for Narcissists. However, while non-narcissists may do this from time to time, Narcissists do it regularly, have no remorse, and even believe there's nothing wrong with the behavior.
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For example John and Jake are at a restaurant; John "chats up" the waitstaff like they're long lost buddies, which might be fun, except for the fact that both John and the waitstaff are completely ignoring Jake. It's not "Chi", it's not coolness, it's just rude and very immature. What's really happening is that John is getting a charge out of being seen as the "Charismatic One", the "Cooler One", or the "More Intelligent One" compared to Jake, and the waitstaff is getting a charge out of being INCLUDED in the "Cooler Kid" or "More Manly than Jake" crowd.
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John is getting a positive "fix" from the interaction, and isn't worried about consequences, because  he doesn't CARE about Jake's feelings, he isn't personally involved with the waiter. Jake has already accepted being treated as a "sidekick", and as far as John is concerned, is a lesser person anyway. John's not worried that Jake will leave, he feels dominant over Jake. If Jake protests, John will simply ridicule and browbeat him until he backs down again. (If Jake does end the friendship , sick of John treating him like a sidekick for so long, John will smear him, and  blame Jake's girlfriend. He won't recognize or admit that he did anything wrong; he would rather destroy the friendship than do that, because that would take actual humility and accountability.)
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Mary, Rachel and Lori go to a local concert together. They go to the bar together and order drinks, but Mary gets stuck waiting for all three drinks because Rachel and Lori leave her there and go to the bathroom, Rachel leading and Lori following. When some acquaintances show up and start chatting, Rachel talks over Mary every time she speaks. Mary keeps losing Rachel and Lori in the crowd because they keep walking away from her without saying anything, looking for more attention from others. When a band member gives them backstage passes, they don't even mention that there's a third friend with them; they tell Mary to wait in the car for them, or get a ride home with someone else. It may look like Rachel is just more "outgoing" and "fun", but what's really happening is Rachel is competing directly with Mary for the spotlight, for attention and approval from others. Every time she gets Lori to leave Mary behind, she gets a little charge out of it, a little domination fix. Every time there are other people around, Rachel tries to display "I'm The Better One" and "I'm Better Than Her" and "Look At ME, not HER". Her disrespectful behavior toward Mary is multifaceted: it gives Rachel a neurotransmitter "fix", it sends a message to Lori that RACHEL is the "boss", not Mary, and it sends a message to others that Mary is a LESSER PERSON, and that RACHEL is the "Cool/Good/Smart/Attractive/Trustworthy/Fun One". It doesn't matter that none of it is true, the "message" still gets sent, and paints the picture AS IF it's true.
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The day before, the three of them went to the Mall to buy clothes for the concert. Rachel kept picking out what would "look good on Mary", advising her about everything from her hair to her shoes; she paid more attention to "advising" Mary than she did picking out her own clothes. Rachel spoke to the store clerks OVER Mary, placing herself between them and Mary, as if she somehow had authority and charge over Mary and her decisions. Rachel became resentful when Mary did not follow her advice and picked out her own clothes, so she went into the dressing room with Lori, and acted dismissive and snappy toward Mary for the rest of the day.
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Rachel's underlying motivation is for the world to see her as ABOVE Mary, and Mary as LESSER than herself. She doesn't end the friendship, because she wants to keep Mary around as a sidekick or little sister in front of others, and as a big sister or buddy when they're alone. Someone who will prop her up, someone to run to, a shoulder to cry on, to help her, and ALSO someone to use as a stand-in when no one else is around; someone to use as a cushion, as a punching bag, and someone to dominate and boss around so she feels in control, and appears "more important" and "more capable" than in comparison (again not actually true, but this appearance is achieved with the behaviors, because most people don't see what it is.)
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These examples were same sex peer friendships, but this behavior is also done in other relationships. It seems to be most common, or does the most damage, in partner relationships and parent/child relationships.
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John invites Katy out on a date. He takes her to walk around the mall, to dinner, and to a movie, which might have been a nice evening. However, every time there's an opportunity to talk to a friend they see, or a stranger such as a clerk or a waitstaff person, John seems to forget that Katy is even THERE. He spends more time and energy engaging in enthusiastic conversation with total strangers, and acts much more interested in THEM, than Katy. When they go to Dick's Sporting goods, he engages in deep and "witty" discussion about fishing with a male clerk, both of them leaving Katy out of the conversation (SHE is the one who's into fishing, but he speaks to the clerk as if it's HIS interest. Both John and the male clerk further behave as if fishing is a "Guy Thing", and "Girls Don't Get It", even though neither John nor the clerk are actually "into" it.)

John keeps TELLING KATY "facts" instead of engaging WITH her, treating her like she's his student or novice apprentice instead of with respect, like a peer and a friend. He walks in front of her instead of beside her, as if he's a father with a child, OR makes her "lead", as if he's a child with his mother. When she makes a joke, he doesn't laugh; he either RETELLS THE JOKE, or tells another one to "top" hers.

They go into a women's clothing store, and John engages the female clerk, obviously flirting with her. He's not trying to get her to go out with him, but he IS giving her all kinds of signals that he finds her attractive, and is obviously seeking her attention BACK. While Katy is looking at a dress, John is talking to the female clerk about the dress, and about her own outfit, and about working in the mall, and what he does for a living. ~John is NOT talking to KATY.~ He's also not including Katy in the conversation. He's also placing himself in between the clerk and Katy, so she isn't able to speak to her as a CUSTOMER, as if she's a "real person". The female clerk is also immature, so she goes along with it, enjoying both the attention and the fact that John is placing her ABOVE his OWN DATE. (Especially since she finds Katy to be very pretty; she's getting a childish charge out of John's obvious flirtation right in front of her.)
John does this for the rest of the evening; speaks to OTHERS with more interest and enthusiasm than to KATY, pays more attention to OTHERS than to Katy, and seems to FORGET SHE'S THERE when he engages with someone else. He flirts with the waitress at the restaurant (who flirts back and ignores Katy, and therefore receives ZERO tip, since Katy had agreed to pay the tip... lol), he "chats up" his male friends they run into, leaving Katy out of the conversation, he steps IN FRONT OF Katy while "chatting up" total strangers at the movies.
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(Katy doesn't go on many more dates with John. He seemed charming and fun at first, but it became apparent that his  interests are in being someone's Leader, and in getting Attention and Approval, than in building a real friendship with a real person.)
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Rachel takes her daughter and son out on a similar outing. She does most of the same behaviors with her children that John did on his date with Katy, and how she acted toward Mary in the clothing store. However she adds to those behaviors a measure of annoyed "discipline", which she can't really get away with when she's with a peer.
John does the same thing with his children.
They take them to the mall, but they don't engage with them, they ignore them and engage enthusiastically with clerks and friends they run into. Their language and tone toward their children is snappy, dismissive, and disapproving. They tell their children to pick out some clothes, but whatever the children pick out is "not quite good enough", or just "wrong". Wherever the children request to eat is denied, and a different restaurant is chosen by the parent, and then the same thing with the children's food choices. Both John and Rachel COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR KIDS to the other adults they talk to, and often IMPLY that their kids are a "PAIN IN THE NECK" to total strangers, regardless of whether their kids are present or not.
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Narcissists SEEK APPROVAL AND ATTENTION from those outside of their "inner circle", because those INSIDE of their "inner circle" are no longer "Real People" to them. They are extensions of themselves, accessories, pets, props, supply wells, crutches, and "forced burdens". They USE those inside their circle not only to get supply from that person, but also to get MORE ATTENTION, approval, and supply from others. They aren't interested in a "relationship" with them, anymore than they want a relationship with their hat or a pair of pants, or a stereo, or the living room lamp. They don't actually want a "relationship" with anyone else, either; they just want supply, approval and attention. (This is one of the main reasons that most Narcissists often feel "empty", and try to fill that hole with supply~ they don't really know what healthy relationships are because they didn't have the opportunity to develop them in their youth.)

"I AM I"

Every human being born into this world is real, just as real as every other human being. When we look at a group of kittens or puppies, we don't see a couple of them as real, and a couple of them as stuffed animals or blocks of marble, or a new pair of gloves. (Some sociopaths might, but not a person with a healthy functional brain.) We see them ALL as REAL kittens, or REAL puppies. When we look at babies in a maternity ward, we see a group of REAL baby human beings. We don't see some of them as "real" as some of them as some kind of android, servant-robot, non-human. They're all EQUAL in their realness, in their beautiful, wonderful, newborn personhood.

So how is it that when humans grow older, we become more and more comfortable with the belief that some of us are "More Real" than others? Why don't we buy into that when we look at and hold infants, but as those infants grow, we start to see some of them as "more important" than others?

We KNOW that we are holding a precious, wonderful miracle when we look at and hold a newborn child. And yet, we allow ourselves to let that knowledge become sullied and obscured when we see a newborn who has grown older.

We allow ourselves to let that happen when we look at others, and also when we look at ourselves.

STOP IT! We are all just as real as we were when we were born, and we are all just as real as any other human being on the planet. We're not a species that spans a spectrum from Gods to Gollum! That's our enormous imaginations at work! We are only ONE species, Homo Sapien Sapien, and we belong to the family of Great Apes. Other Apes don't have Gods to Gollums, and neither do we. We are much, much more similar to one another than we seem to want to believe; our abilities are NOT "god-like". NONE of us can fly, NONE of us can melt anything with our eyes, NONE of us can turn water into wine, or raise the dead. NONE of us can lift a delivery truck and throw it. None of us have Lion's fangs or retractable claws, none of us can run as fast as most other animals bigger than a mouse, and none of us can swim as fast as the average aquatic animal, or breathe water. Some are a little smarter, a little wiser, a little kinder, but the actual span between us is not like GOD vs. a salamander!
NONE of us are Great Wizards, or Super Heroes, or Winged Angels, or The Hulk. There aren't REALLY any humans that innately deserve Royalty, or innately deserve Poverty. We are ALL THE SAME SPECIES. Just like Orangutans are like other Orangutans, and Chimps are like other Chimps. There aren't God-like Chimps who have God-like abilities, ruling over "idiot", SERVILE Chimps, they're all just CHIMPS. Just like Cheetahs are all Cheetahs, and Wolves are all Wolves, and Dolphins are all Dolphins.

Let go of the illusion that some humans are "MORE REAL" than others. Look at the newborns and remember that they grow up, and who are they then? Who am I; who is the owner of the skyscraper down the street; who are you? We're ALL "REAL". We always were, and we'll always be.

The Stressed Out Brain

One of the main symptoms of living in a "crazy making" environment is a decreased intellectual capacity. The brain is being caused to do too many things at once. It keeps getting switched from intellectual learning and/or creativity to defensive mode or crisis management, which are literally different areas of the brain. It's just like the Enterprise, when they had to "divert all power to the Shields" or to the transporter, or to the warp drive every time something happened. The brain does that automatically so it can feel like the mind is being controlled by outside forces, but really it's our own systems trying to protect us from others, and trying to "put out fires". For those who have natural empathy and learned ethics, the brain also automatically diverts energy to "helping others in crisis or need", which is often also part of a crazy-making environment.
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In other words, if we have a healthy brain (with functioning empathy and balanced ethics), and we live around bullies or manipulators, our brain is constantly switching to automatic defense, crisis management, or help mode, and we are going to have a harder time getting our tasks done, or our own goals met. Often we end up "behind the 8-ball", or feeling like we're less capable than others because we can't seem to get things done. We can become "forgetful", and "messy", and appear even to ourselves like we can't hold things together.
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The more our brain keeps getting switched to automatic modes, the less we can see what's actually going on. Bullies do this on purpose because it works, and the more they do it, the less able we are to "keep our heads on straight", which they can then use to further their agenda even more.
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Bullies and manipulators judge, shame, slander, and further bully those who seem "forgetful", or "messy", or "airheaded", usually because they're the ones who instigated the person's "issues" in the first place, and it gives them an opportunity to appear "better" than someone else. They certainly aren't going to tell the world the real story, or the full story, they're going to portray the target as "screwed up", even while the target is doing everything they can for them, or for others.
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Non-bullies and those with empathy and genuine ethics, on the other hand, have no agenda, and therefore no desire to shame, judge, or smear anyone. They are much more likely to SEE what's really going on (which is why they're often UNPOPULAR! There's apparently more bullies and manipulators in the world now than non-bullies, sadly).
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So remember that feeling of being overwhelmed, less capable, messy, and behind the 8-ball is most likely because the brain keeps switching to automatic defense or crisis-intervention mode. It can keep on doing that after we've left a crazy-making atmosphere; our subconscious cares a lot more about protecting us and fixing crisis than it does about our intellectual or creative goals, so we have to consciously heal ourselves with safe Sanctuary, and any forms of therapy that we can find, that work for us. That might include prayer, or remembering what compassion really feels like by doing something purposely to help others, or animals.

Compulsive Provocation And Domination

It's not necessarily obvious, it doesn't always look like abuse. Sometimes it looks a lot like normal and healthy human interaction. Humans are clever and know how to make dominating, manipulative or abusive behavior look innocent, like "concern", "warning", "innocent curiosity", "playfulness", "ignorance", or "assistance".
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Like a cat who gets a charge out of messing with another cat, or another animal, the desire and compulsion to push down on another person (or an animal), to poke, pinch, provoke, instigate, sabotage, and dominate, are common in Narcissists, both figuratively and literally.
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Doing something to CAUSE AN EFFECT is part of the compulsion, like a child spitting or dropping something off the top of a tall building just to see what happens. Or like stepping on bubble wrap to hear and feel the "pop".
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Domination over another living thing (human or animal) is another part of this compulsion. A cat will poke at another animal to see what it does, to make it move, or to make it jump. The cat pokes the other animal, and then WATCHES it. When the animal stops responding to the poke, the cat does it again, because of the charge it's getting out of it. Cats are compelled to do this, and they obviously like the little thrill they get from causing another animal to move.
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HUMANS have the same compulsion process, but growing out of this during youth is the healthy course of maturation. Some human children get a bigger "charge" out of this behavior than others, and some are not guided to mature out of it for whatever circumstantial reasons. Still others are encouraged to do it MORE, as if the compulsion to dominate and provoke others is a good thing, instead of being taught to master their own actions and compulsions.
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Chimpanzees also share this compulsion, as do many other predatory animals, and even some non-predatory animals. Some do it only for play, while others will take it much farther, causing a little harm, a lot of harm, and even death. (Humans belong to the group that takes this compulsion of domination farther, along with cats.)
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This behavior is not rare, but it's not conducive to the survival of the species since Humans who have not matured out of this compulsive behavior will do it just as much to other humans as they do to other animals. 

When Your Partner's Friends And Family Don't Welcome You Into Their "Circle"

A reader asks:

"Why don't my partner's friends or certain family members welcome me, or treat me with respect?"

(This question should also always be followed by: "How does my partner deal with this?")

There are many reasons why your partner's friends or family members don't roll out the welcome mat, or even behave with courtesy and civility. As you may have guessed, most of those reasons are based in insecurity and a lack of maturity. Occasionally, however, there may be other reasons, such as their knowledge of your partner's history that you don't have; they may be distancing themselves from you because they know you're not going to be together next year, or that you'll probably run when your partner shows his or her controlling personality. They may be worried that you'll find out about a shameful secret, and so closing you out seems like a way to prevent that from happening.

Usually, though, the reasons people will treat their friend or family members' new partner with a lack of welcoming or a lack of respect is due to their own insecurity, jealousy, envy, or fear of losing control over the person. Someone who has had a secret attraction toward your partner may show it in their lack of civility and respect toward you. Those who have been using your partner for whatever reason will most likely be worried that you'll see through their agenda, and may try to turn your partner against you, or slander you in the larger group, trying to turn everyone against you. Those who are dependent on your partner in an unhealthy way may also be worried that your presence means they will be left behind or abandoned, and may also try to turn your partner against you, or turn the larger group against you. Anyone who has been keeping your partner as a "sidekick", or treating your partner with disrespect for any length of time is of course going to be immediately defensive toward you, fearing that you'll notice their behavior and true intention. Still others may fear that you "out shine" them personally in some way, and simply immediately envy you, and don't want you around~ they might base their identity on being the "cute one" in the group (whether anyone else knows that or not), and your "cuteness" threatens their ego. It might be that they're the "funny one", or the "smart one", or the "talented one", or the "responsible one", the "tough one", etc, etc, and they can't have you messing up their "specialness", because to them, it's their Position in the group. (Yes, there are lots of people who have identity issues like that.)

There isn't really that much more to it besides insecurity, arrogance, control, and a lack of good manners. If they're treating you with disrespect because they think you're not good for their friend or family member, then they're just showing bad manners and control issues. If they were truly concerned about their family member or friend, they would take it up with them, privately; not humiliate them and cause them more problems by treating you disrespectfully. Barring actual abuse, there's no valid reason to show a friend or family member's partner disrespect or rejection, it's very disrespectful to the friend or family member, and it's a blatant lack of basic civility and manners.

When the person in question is a child, then the way the adults handle the situation is extremely important, and will dictate most of the outcome, the future of the relationships. Of course a child is going to be leery of someone new entering their lives. Even if the child likes them individually, the fact that this new person is connected in a close relationship to someone who's important to them means that their own life is probably going to change, and they have no idea how. Also, if another adult is influencing the child to dislike the new partner, then the situation can escalate to dramatic proportions, causing the child serious stress. In a healthy family or friendship circle, all adults act as decent role models, demonstrating respectful, civil, and cooperative behavior, which make children feel safe and respond to favorably, learning how to deal with change, and learning how to treat others respectfully while maintaining their own personal healthy boundaries and identity.

The Happy Conductor (N)

"I get to be the boss because I'm the Best Person here!"
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"The Happy Conductor"
Perhaps the majority of people who have Narcissism traits could be categorized under this term. The analogy depicts a Conductor of an orchestra who is very happy in his or her position, not so much for the sheer love of music, but because he or she believes that the position indicates superiority over others, and gives them prestige and control. The Happy Conductor loves to tell others what to do above all things, and deludes themselves about their own expertise, so much so that many others buy into the delusion and believe it also. This person relies on having others around to carry out the tasks that he or she assigns them and TAKES CREDIT FOR.
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NOT TO BE CONFUSED with a genuine Conductor of an orchestra, choir, or other musical ensemble, who is actually filling the position because he or she is pretty good at it and enjoys doing it, enjoys the resonance and the dynamics of the musicians together, enjoys the opportunity to participate in helping a piece of music to soar, and/or because someone needs to do it because everyone else is playing or singing.  I have experienced personally the wonderful, even uplifting influence a really good Conductor can have on the performance of a music ensemble, and can report that it can be amazing. A good Conductor believes in the other people who make up the ensemble, does not have a superiority complex, and is focused on the flow of the music. An inflated ego actually blocks the beauty and flow of great music; humility allows it to flow, and helps to increase and build the resonance. (See J.S. Bach, one of the greatest composers of all time.)
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The Happy Conductor N. often actually believes he or she is innately supreme in understanding music on all levels, that others don't really "get music" like he or she does, and that everyone with any intelligence should RECOGNIZE this about him or her. The Happy Conductor is oblivious to the reality that someone else nearby is actually either on the same level of understanding and talent, or ABOVE his or her level of understanding. Remove the word "music" and enter any other subject in its place, and the analogy is easily applied to any other situation.
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The Happy Conductor N. will delegate, orchestrate, and conduct any situation that he or she can get away with, regardless of his or her actual knowledge or experience. Their belief in their innate superiority is all they need; they will hop right up on the Conductor's platform, and often even knock down the person who's already up there doing the job if they can, even if that person actually IS an "expert", or is doing a fine job. The Happy Conductor just wants to be in the "Leader" position because he or she LIKES IT THERE BEST. Not for any other reason.
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The requirements for "getting away with" being in the position of "Leader" are few (actual superior ability isn't one of them):
1) They need to be pretty good at giving SOCIAL SIGNALS (vocal tone, body language, appearance, and wording) that say "I Am Your Leader"
2) They need people around them who respond to those Social Signals, who buy into them, and accept the person as "Leader".
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They MUST have people who will respond to their "Leader" social signals, or they're SUNK, because they can't actually perform the tasks they take credit for and pretend to know about. Therefore when someone comes along who is an independent thinker, who does not respond to their "Leader" signals by following and agreeing, they must REJECT them somehow, get away from them, make distance. This independent thinker person might see through the domination techniques, might have real expertise, and is therefore an exposure risk. (The worst fear for a Narcissist is exposure of their manipulation).
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If one of their "subjects" is within eyesight or earshot, the Happy Conductor is probably telling them what to do or how they should do it better. If the lips are moving, there are probably instructions, criticism, or announcements coming out of them. They always seem to be in the middle of what others are trying to do, or one step ahead, because that's what they DO - they actually step in front of others, both literally and figuratively, so they can "Lead". They will actually see that a person is going to do something, and walk in front of them to do it FIRST, or do it FOR THEM. They may sabotage or block the person from their intended task, be it large or small (even really small, like getting a helping of potatoes.) Their goal is always to feel like they're in charge and "ahead", either of one person or many, and they will continuously do little or big things to maintain that feeling. They might walk ahead of you and faster than you, and then judge you as "lesser" because you're "slow" or "behind" (the concept of walking WITH you, or not judging you at all, doesn't occur to them, because trying to be superior is always on their mind.)

You might notice that they constantly speak to you as if you don't know what they know, or have never experienced what they have, or don't "get" things that they "get". This is because they're constantly trying to find something to make you inferior in some way, and themselves superior. It's a little "fix" that they're always trying to score, and they can get frustrated and resentful when they can't get their fix because they can't find anything that you are clueless about. They might accuse you of being a know-it-all... because they keep failing in their attempt to prove they know something that you don't. (They don't realize that their attempts to prove they know more than you do is the Narc. behavior).

Condescension is ever-present, because the Happy Conductor is fixated on being the One Who Knows Better, and The One Who Is More Capable. Anecdotes, jokes, physical complaints, or negative judgments about others usually fill in the rest of air time.
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Being taller than others around (or just taller than the people one is trying to dominate) is a HUGE help if one is trying to be any kind of "Leader"; most people don't realize they have AUTOMATIC subconscious responses to those who are bigger than they are, or who ACT bigger. It's pretty obvious where it comes from if we think about it, really, it's just from growing up. When we were children for all those years, almost anyone who was taller was OLDER than us, and therefore had authority over us. Bigger, older kids were actual threats to us, physically, and would bully us on a regular basis. Adults were literally constantly telling us what to do, and we learned that rebellion brings consequences. Most of us don't become aware of our automatic assumption that those who are taller are "Leaders", and those who are smaller don't "deserve" Leadership positions even if, in reality, they are actually the best person for the job.
Without guidance in becoming aware of this common subconscious reaction, a person may remain oblivious to it for their whole lives, and actually believe that anyone shorter is less capable, and anyone taller is more capable, and treat them accordingly, both in personal AND in business situations. Many who are much shorter or much taller than average are quite aware of this automatic response in humans, and quite aware of how nonsensical and illogical it is, and how much chaos and consequence it causes in the world.
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This kind of "Happy Conductor N." is probably the most common, and can be found "Conducting" anything from a large corporation to a national government, to a smaller business, to a military outfit, to a real orchestra or a rock band, to a community organization, to a family household. Although height helps tremendously, there are plenty who don't need it to attain their "Leader" position. Although, remaining in that position over time is much easier WITH height than without it, because humans are much less likely to try to thwart or dominate a person who is taller than they are, especially a male. (Sociopaths who also have higher intelligence/awareness than other sociopaths are more likely to be aware of having this particular advantage, and use it purposefully; other Narcissists may simply believe that they are ACTUALLY superior because they are tall, or because they are male, or both, and that their imagined innate supremacy is why people allow them to "Lead".

(It's less common for a female to believe she's superior because of her sex, simply because humans (both male and female) in  Patriarchal cultures usually try to dominate females, and seek leadership OVER them, so female Narcissists don't get nearly as much automatic subconscious favoritism and submission behavior from other people as males do. Female Narcissists also often have male bias, anti-female-bias, or try to be associated with males, because they want to be seen as a member of the favored or more powerful group (just like male Narcissists). In a truly Matriarchal culture, the automatic responses might be reversed, but only if children were exposed to adults who treat females as superior to males in the same way our current cultures treat males as superior to females in front of children.)
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Human Progress Vs. Sabotage By Narcissism

Training Camp!

Why do human cultures, families, organizations and communities seem to have such a hard time making progress, achieving peace, or eradicating depression, crime, WAR, and poverty?

There's a rather large obstacle to a better world, and it's been around for centuries. It's been written about and documented for eons as well, but it doesn't seem to go away because it's so pervasive, like weeds and pests in a beautiful garden that take over and destroy what we're trying to cultivate. It grows and tries to take root anywhere there are humans. The obstacle is the condition known as Narcissism, and it's been embedded in the fabric of the human species for a very long time. It perpetuates itself through modeling, oppressing, brainwashing and direct training of young people who are all new to this world, learning and absorbing what they're being shown, and being kept from learning what they're NOT being shown.

The biggest threat to Power Mongers and Control Freaks everywhere is knowledge and awareness, so if you really want to "fight the power", read, read, read, and learn, learn, learn.  OBSERVE YOURSELF first and foremost; your own biases. behavior habits, and beliefs in your own personal life. Only then is it possible to see what's going on with other people, because we aren't denying it in ourselves any longer.  (Remember just because you're a woman doesn't mean you weren't conditioned to be biased against women; just because you're black doesn't mean you weren't conditioned to be prejudice against black people; just because you THINK you genuinely respect others doesn't mean you didn't get conditioned subconsciously to see certain others as less worthy or less capable.)

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Narcissists train others, both directly and indirectly, to do and believe certain things. These beliefs and behaviors have been tearing down and sabotaging the progress we struggle to make as a species throughout human history:


To become subjugate; accept a "lower status" position as a human being than others.

To believe that some adults innately deserve power and authority, PERSONALLY, over other adults.

To follow the group and the crowd; avoid independent thought, observation, and learning.

To allow others into one's personal and private space, and step over one's boundaries on command.

To NOT know that EVERY ONE'S personal space and boundaries are sacred, and no one should be allowed "in" unless they were genuinely invited by THAT PERSON alone.

To believe one's self to be naturally entitled to LESS or MORE privilege, power, authority, "extra relaxation and pleasure", and being served by others.

To believe that one is not "good enough", and that one "doesn't really belong", and that others have the valid right to decide this.

To actually buy into believing that disrespect, arrogance, bad manners and bullying are signals of authority, "superior knowledge", and general supremacy.

To fear and avoid standing up for others or for themselves.

To turn against members of one's own family and community; to  try to dominate them; to betray, slander, or scapegoat them.

To accept domination, disrespect, and condescension from CERTAIN others, as if it's okay for them to do it because one has accepted them as having "higher social status" or "authority".

To compete for approval, attention, and acceptance against those whom one should be supporting and bonding with.

To believe that dominating and knocking down others is perfectly "okay", and is the way to get ahead.

To believe one's self (and others like one's self) to be naturally incapable of learning, understanding, or performing certain concepts, tasks, and skills.

To believe that those who are DIFFERENT than one's self to be incapable of learning, understanding, or performing certain concepts, tasks and skills.

To NOT BE ABLE TO SEE or UNDERSTAND the difference between legitimate hierarchies that are for structural purposes only such as business and government, and hierarchies that are illusions (MADE-UP), based on false beliefs and assumptions around sexism, racism, age, and body type.

To mentally delete and ignore evidence and information that contradicts the beliefs and directives of those who claim "Authority", in small groups or larger groups.

To believe that some people are born innately superior, and others are born innately inferior.

To buy into one's own, or someone else's, superficial judgments and assumptions about other people.

To rebel for the sake of rebellion; to be a random "rule-breaker".

To distrust others, to seek control, and to see those who need help or assistance as "losers", including one's self and one's family members.
(This prevents bonding, respect, team building, and progress within one's group.)

To accept and believe gossip and rumors about others.

To believe that retaliation is just "part of human nature", and that "everyone does it", and that there's nothing wrong with it.

To believe that it's "perfectly okay" to treat those who are physically smaller than they are with condescension and disrespect, and to accept condescension and disrespect from those who are larger than they are.

To buy into assumptions and stereotypes about the abilities and limitations of each sex, and to project them onto other people.

To create HOSTILE ENVIRONMENTS in order to prevent specific persons from working, learning, playing, and participating in a group; to drive them out. (Like treating a white person like he's not welcome and not wanted in a Hispanic Church, or constantly harassing a male nurse so he'll quit, or treating a female tradesman with continuous condescension, disrespect and haranguing so she'll quit or "go away").

To believe that WAR, aggression, and violence are "necessary sometimes" to get what you WANT, and that anyone who doesn't agree is "weak" or "ignorant".

To believe that "class structures" (wealthy, middle class, poor) are real, and permanent.

To believe that those in one "class" are better than those in another "class".

To feel doubt, anxiety, and an undercurrent of discomfort or fear; to feel like one is always "behind the 8 ball", and doesn't have enough money or time, and isn't successful enough.

That it's "okay" to chase away that doubt, anxiety, and discomfort  with all manner of addictive or mind-altering substances.
(The drug trade, both legal and illegal, makes a lot of people a LOT of money, and therefore gives them lots of power and influence).

To believe that one can actually assess another person based on surface, superficial, incidental and circumstantial things such as their appearance at the moment, their body, sex, clothes and hair, their age, their car, their job, and on first impressions.

To believe that superficial appearance is the most important priority in a person's life, and to judge one's self and others based on superficial appearances, as if it's an indication of character.

To believe that "social hierarchies" are REAL, and are based on actual intelligence, experience, wisdom.

To believe stereotypes and other fictions (about others and themselves): regarding race, sex, religion, "class", ancestry, body type and size, even hair color

To fall for CONS and SMOKE SHOWS that serve Narcissists well, such as:

~Innate Superiority or Innate Inferiority
~Celebrity privilege
~Martyr syndrome
~Male Privilege and/or Authority
~Small Person's Ignorance, Weakness, or Innocence
~Tall Person's Privilege, Assumed Authority, and Assumed Knowledge or Intelligence
~Badges, Titles, Certificates and Degrees~ (assuming that because a person has one of these things, they must be an Expert, good at their job, more knowledgeable than anyone who does not possess one of these things, or that they're honest. Oldest trick in the book).

TO AVOID OBSERVING HUMAN SOCIAL DYNAMICS, BEHAVIORS, AND BELIEFS FROM AN OBJECTIVE, DETACHED, NON-ENGAGED VIEWPOINT LIKE THE PLAGUE.

TO DISMISS OR ATTACK ANYONE WHO TALKS OR WRITES ABOUT IT, FROM CHILDREN TO SCHOLARS TO GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS TO SCIENTISTS TO PHILOSOPHERS, NOW AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
(It's what Jesus Christ of Nazareth was crucified for.)

Archetypes And Images; The Business Of Conning

There are several character Archetypes that many people often try to put on as an image to present to the world. It can be benign, even positive, or it can be dangerous, depending on the individual's motives.
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Some build their image to match a certain Archetype because they really want to live up to a certain persona, such as one full of humility and grace, and their core self is already somewhat aligned with their chosen Archetype. Sometimes people don't really believe they can just grow and learn within their own skin, and need to become like someone else in order to achieve their goals of "becoming".
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Others do it because a certain image seems to get more positive attention from other people the way an attractive hairstyle or certain clothing does, more than just "being themselves". Sometimes the attention is not actually positive or respectful, but they don't realize it because they are only noticing the increase of attention, not what kind of attention it really is.
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Still others are putting on the mask of an Archetype in order to convince people to trust and respect them so they can con them and/or gain control over them. They have learned that people will believe and follow certain images, and they hone that image with actual effort in order to make it seem like who they really are. Of course it's just an image, like wearing a hat or a mask, or even a costume; the person underneath is really a different animal altogether, with a completely different agenda and focus. Their chosen Archetype is literally a facade that they built on purpose. It's  much like they are wearing a really convincing Abraham Lincoln or Mother Teresa costume, or any other Archetype that people are known to respond to positively, with trust and admiration, or respect, or sometimes fear, but the " I deserve more admiration and respect than most people" costume is the most effective.
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Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa were real people, but their images live on as Archetypes when someone wants to wear them as a mask to appear good and righteous, so others will believe and trust them. There are many Archetypes that Mask-Wearers might put on.

 Some we have probably run into (we may have seen through the facade, or swallowed it):

Cowboy types, Beauty Queen, Powerful Business Person, Celebrity, Spiritual Leader, Wise Shaman or Chief, Highly Skilled Warrior, Empathetic Caregiver, Brilliant Scientist, The Expert (Craftsman/Carpenter/Mechanic/Mason, etc), Rock Star, Regular Joe, Down To Earth Jane, Strong and Silent, Virtuous and Righteous, Very Hard Worker, Hero, Prophet, Angel Of Hope, Savior.  There are many more, of course, that you probably know quite well. Maybe you have seen through some of them.



~
GANDHI

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It's important to remember that we really can't tell if someone is genuine, or is wearing a facade, for quite a while. The truth is we often like and trust fakers more than we like or trust a genuine person, because we like the shiny image that fakers wear. We can also easily mistake one for the other, so the best way to find out is to play it safe and keep healthy boundaries intact. We don't want to reject a truly "good" person just because they seem "too good to be true", that would be quite a loss, genuinely "good" or trustworthy and honest people are rare  blessings in our lives; and we don't want to let an Image Wearer get close to us by buying into their "good and trustworthy" mask.
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The most amazing thing about the practice of building and wearing false images is how people just keep on doing it, and it keeps on working because other people keep on falling for it. No matter how many fables are written, how many warnings are written in religious texts, how many times throughout history it's caused horrific damage, or how many stories, plays, and movies are created trying to expose it for what it is, the lesson just doesn't seem to get through. Humans as a species seem to be very slow learners when it comes to "Leaders" and "Followers".
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A common practice that many who believe they have awakened from being blind followers of manipulative leaders is simply rejecting one leader and group, but continuing to follow other ones, and also finding new ones. As long as they have rejected ONE or two of the leaders and groups they had been blindly following, they believe they have accomplished their goal of independence and awareness.
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Another common practice is rejecting any and all guidance, instruction, leadership, or connection with others, as if every teacher, spiritual person, writer, or philosopher who ever spoke was a cult leader, trying to manipulate the masses. However this is based in fear, and results in the rejection of learning about anything that's outside one's own limited point of view. When our personal boundaries are healthy and strong, we can hear others freely without becoming indoctrinated, and learn new things from their points of view, ideas, and experiences.
~
So many humans buying into and believing in stereotypes, status, and "social hierarchy" keeps Image Makers, Cons, Phonies, and the dangerous kind of politicians in THRIVING business. If we want to really see through them, we need to stop believing in the fictions our cultures have made up about human beings, and learn to stop placing some people on pedestals and not others.
Only when we see all other people, including ourselves, as equally worthy and beautiful as one another will we be able to discern those who are wearing masks.

Money-Anxiety, Another Effect Of Narcissism Abuse

An effect of Narcissism targeting is confusion about money. The child who grows up in a family where there is one or more Narcissists is exposed to skewed money attitudes, handling, and blatant contradictions all the time. Without clear and proper modeling and guidance regarding money, earning, exchange, and cashflow, most people get confused without the Narcissist factor anyway, but WITH the Narc. factor, a child literally "learns wrong".

One day an N. parent says "I have to work so hard, all these extra hours so I can put food on the table!" and the following week, that parent is showing off their new television, their new computer, their new designer shoes, or their new CAR. The child is getting a very disjointed message; one week you're struggling, having to work as hard as you can just to survive, and then the next week you can afford to buy whatever you want... okay...

That same N. parent says "I can't afford to send you to those lessons, they're too expensive!" and three days later, they're planning a 2 week vacation to Spain with a friend (leaving the child home... too expensive to bring her/him...) buying clothes and a new camera for the trip.

The N's in the family and/or community: praising one child for Being Such A Hard Worker... "Look at how hard he/she works! What a great, wonderful kid, he/she is so responsible!" and... those same people make it very difficult for another child in the same community to GET a job in the first place (scapegoat/gossip/slander/nepotism), so they can continue to treat the first child as The Responsible One, and the second child as The Lazy, Incapable, or Irresponsible One.

The N's in the community: everything a target child does is "wrong", so if they're wearing expensive or brand name clothes and shoes, they're STUCK UP, and they get gossiped about and excluded. If they're wearing less expensive clothes or shoes, they're LOSERS, and they get gossiped about and excluded. The child often keep trying to figure out what "money class" is the "right one" or the "good one", so they can fit in and get accepted. (Children of course don't know that N's target a person FIRST and THEN find excuses to reject them).

Narcissists frequently USE their supposed "financial status" to magnify their image. They either cry POOR all the time, or they portray WEALTHINESS. Either one gives them leverage, and enhances their agenda, it just depends what image they're trying to portray to achieve a certain end. Children around them hear the words, but see the contradictions with their own eyes. They see that things don't add up, but adults deny that there's anything amiss until the child stops asking, and seems to be successfully brainwashed to LOOK AWAY.

Narc. families will often give lots of resources to certain members, no matter what they do, no matter how much trouble they get in, no matter how they behave, will keep bailing them out, making excuses for them, and paving their way; but will DENY resources to other certain members. The resources are RESERVED, in a Narc. family, for those who are IN FAVOR, so giving resources to an unfavored child or family member would mean tapping into those reserves... So Jeffrey gets to go the Baseball Camp every summer, gets a new mountain bike for his 12th birthday, a saxophone for Christmas along with new skis and scuba gear, gets tennis lessons, a new guitar, guitar lessons, a new bass, a fish tank in his room, and a car on his 16th birthday, etc... Jillian gets a clock radio for her 13th birthday, a couple of CDs, a little box of cheap perfume and a sweater for Christmas, and some candy... is denied piano lessons, dance lessons, and her parents demand that she earns the money for her school trip by doing chores for the neighbors. When she turns 16, she's not allowed to get her license because it will be "too expensive to put her on her parent's insurance". (They need the money to make Jeffrey's car payments...) Jeffrey wants to go to Brown University, they make it happen. Jillian has to get a scholarship if she wants to go anywhere other than the local community college, because they can't afford to send BOTH kids to college... and she will have to foot all of her own bills. (They'll let her live at home as long as her grades are good.)
(To be sure, a "Golden Child" is also being denied a healthy childhood and development into adulthood, and can end up in terrible shape later on, especially if they hit any snags, having limited survival, life, and relationship skills.)

Narcissistic partners and spouses of course have all kinds of money issues, from trying to control their partner's money to trying to take their partner's money, to lying about their own money, to spending it joint money without asking, to spending it all, to hiding it, to stealing it. The severity of the behavior depends on the individual. On the most benign level, most Narcissists do at least try or demand to control their partner's money, because they believe they are smarter and more capable than their partner, or they want to PROVE that they are. Also, they just tend to like to have more control over anything, period.
Narcissistic platonic friends, and relatives, also commonly will imply that they are much better with money than a given target, and will often try to convince the target to allow them to "oversee" their accounts. They will often treat the target like they have NO CLUE about money or responsibility, and will simply ignore obvious evidence to the contrary.

Targets of Narcissists often end up with serious anxiety around money and cashflow, and can develop destructive habits trying to self-soothe and heal their anxiety. It can be very difficult to keep accounts balanced, just for the reason of having to deal directly with money, which can cause major anxiety; many develop avoidance habits around bills and balancing. (Very hard to deal with something well when it's too difficult to look at.)

Narcissists commonly attach SO MUCH STRESS, control, power, shame, and arrogance to money, having money, earning money, keeping money, and handling money, that targets can end up in near panic at the very thought of having to DEAL with money. Narc. targets, both children and adults, may benefit from healing specifically around their feelings and thoughts about money, career, earning, saving, spending, and balancing.

 

Shouldn't Be Surprised About Female Stereotypes

"We can’t be surprised by unconscious stereotypes about women when we still embrace a culture suffused with highly sexualized, frivolous and demeaning portrayals of women in everything from popular movies to recent congressional debates."

Erika Christakis

Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2012/10/04/womens-inhumanity-to-women/#ixzz2fIQHK9mn

I totally agree~

Really, it doesn't freak me out that men are so frequently male-biased, it's not some kind of long-shot for a human to be all gung-ho for people who are "Just Like Me", and stick out their 10-year-old tongue at the "other guys". What freaks me out, BAD, is that humans with DAUGHTERS, (that would be children of their own who happened to be born with an X chromosome), behave this way. EWW!!! Seriously?
How do they not care about treating their own kids as second-rate humans? How do they not care that their friends, other family members, SCHOOLS, and communities are doing it to their OWN KID?

Scientifically, yes~ humans get conditioned in childhood to believe in whatever the adults were doing when they grew up. So WHEN exactly do they start thinking for themselves? What are they getting personally out of their prejudices and biases, and what are they getting personally out of teaching their kids (or other people's kids) these prejudices and biases?

Freaks me out, yes it does. Happy Human Condition. Uckk.

(For those humans who are going "Oh come on there's no sexism anymore, not in Western Culture!)
Um... right.. okay, so when's the last time you asked a woman about fixing something, and not a man?
When's the last time you thought of your daughter, or your friend's daughter, when there was a job opening in your friend's remodeling, painting, car, or hardware business?  Or insurance sales for that matter?
When's the last time you reviewed the local High School budget?
Have you ever, EVER, hired a local female kid to mow your lawn, or shovel your driveway? Do you honestly believe that NO female kids wanted to make that extra money, or that they didn't need it, or that they couldn't do it?
When's the last time you saw the sports page covered with female sports, and one little story about a male sporting event?
When's the last time you watched a comedy with an all-female cast, save one or two supporting males? I can think of one, that would make the ratio about 1:100000
How many all-male rock bands, country bands, or rap groups can you think of off the top of your head?
How many all female ones? You seriously think it's because girls aren't interested, or can't do it?
When's the last time you expected your friend's son to help serve coffee and dessert, while their daughter sat at the table "deep in discussion"?
Who do you ask when you want advice about purchasing anything bigger than a toaster? 
When's the last time you assumed a woman, and not a man, was driving the semi next to you on the highway, or working at the construction site down the street, or driving the full-size pick-up truck that just went by your house, or is the President of a corporation or a bank?
Have you ever hired an all-male crew to do something around your house? Have you ever hired an all-female crew to do anything besides clean?
Do you know what "hostile work environment" really means?
Have you ever experienced a hostile work environment because of your sex, race, body size, or ancestry?
When's the last movie you saw with a female Hero as the Main Character, and the little sidekick secretary who she kept having to SAVE was a guy? Oh you saw one? Congratulations.
Give me a break, monkey-see, monkey-do. Maybe in another 100 years, if we survive that long. 

I love the men in my family, and my male best friends, and respect them very much. There is zero need for me to see them as "above" me, and they would probably throw up if they saw me do it. Know why? Because they actually respect me, for real, as a human being, and I actually respect them, for real, as human beings. When there is genuine respect, made-up supremacies and "gender expectations" are unnecessary, and frankly look pretty silly.