When
another person is upset about something, and the person they're upset
with refuses to listen to or acknowledge the reason, and then turns it
around on them and accuses them of causing THEM to be upset, that's a
Narcissistic behavior.
Why? Because the person who is originally
upset is being treated as if their feelings, concerns, and point of view
is NOT VALID. They are being treated as if they are a less important being, and therefore their point of view is silly, unimportant, trivial, or wrong.
~
So,
John tells Mark that he's really dedicated to making their band work.
John says whatever it takes, this time he's really going to give 100%
because it's just as important to him as it is to Mark. For three
weekends in a row, Mark and John practice in a practice spot between
their houses, and everything is great. The fourth week, John says he
can't practice unless Mark comes to his house, so Mark does. The same
thing the following week, Mark drives to John's house again. Next week
the same thing. The week after that, Mark has something he needs to do,
so he asks John to come to his house instead to practice. John says
"sure", but when the weekend comes he says he's too busy. The following
week, Mark goes back to John's house. The week after that, Mark says
again "I have something I need to do, can you come to my house instead".
John says "I don't know", and then doesn't show up.
The following
weekend Mark starts to really feel taken advantage of and fooled; John
obviously is NOT "into" making the band work, or giving even 50%, never
mind 100%.
Mark calls John and expresses his concern and his disappointment.
John's reaction is to accuse MARK of not caring enough about HIS needs
and life, and that Mark is being "unreasonable" and "out of line". John
absolutely not only refuses to acknowledge what's really going on or
take any responsibility, but he also refuses to listen respectfully to
Mark's concerns or feelings, and has zero care about how Mark feels.
(which is not "normal" friendship or coworker-relationship.)
As far
as John's concerned, he is doing NOTHING AT ALL that could be
considered wrong, or even a LITTLE BIT unfair, or even slightly
disconcerting.
~
As far as John's concerned, ALL of the
problems are because MARK ISN'T COOPERATING WITH HIM, and accommodating
HIS schedule, HIS wants, HIS comfort, HIS desires, HIS moods, and HIS
feelings. He honestly does not see Mark as an equal person to himself
with equally important and valid ANYTHING. If Mark wants to do this
band, he should come to HIM, and if he doesn't, then Mark is the one
who's making everything "difficult" and being "emotional".
John
literally does not have the ability to be half of a cooperative, fair,
or equal partnership. Any human who he partners up with, who gets close
enough to be a part of his "inner circle", is taken off off of his "High
Shelf" of important people and things, and put into his "used and old
stuff" box that no longer seems worth making an effort for. When he
wants to use them for something, he wants them available and ready, but
when he's not interested in using them, he expects them to just sit in
the box, and not go and do anything else on their own, without him,
while he's off doing HIS own thing.
If anyone in that "used/old stuff" box complains, however, John will threaten them, or throw them into the trash heap.
(Possessions don't have the right to complain to their owner, they're just possessions, it's annoying and stressful).
~
Are You More Important Than Your Partner?
If
you adamantly don't want your lover to leave you, but don't actually
take them as seriously as you take yourself, or care THAT much about
their feelings, needs, life, children, or the future of the relationship
(you just want it to stay the way you want it, you don't want to make
any more effort, and only make changes if they're beneficial for you)
then you make be caught in a pattern of survival.
This pattern could be construed as Narcissistic behavior because it's
centered around yourself as the "important" person in the relationship,
and makes your partner an "unimportant" person. If your desire for a
relationship is with a loving, caring individual, then your equal effort
is actually required. A loving, caring person will not stay in a
relationship with a person who does not respect, care for, and love them
in return. The only kind of person who would stay in such a
relationship where the OTHER person (you) is "More Important", is
someone who is not in recovery from a dysfunctional childhood, and
therefore may not have healthy enough boundaries or behavior habits to
co-create a solid, loving, caring relationship. If we want a healthy
partner for love, care, support and friendship, then we need to find a
partner who is aware and willing to make the effort, and WE have to BE a
partner who is aware and willing to make the effort.
A Partnership is like a pair of support beams; if they're not both actively supporting equally and willingly, then the structure will collapse. If one of them has little or no interest in being an equal support, then the other one has to support both the structure AND the other beam all by itself; it will not be able to keep it up for very long at all, and if it doesn't get out from under, it may get crushed under the weight.
A Partnership is like a pair of support beams; if they're not both actively supporting equally and willingly, then the structure will collapse. If one of them has little or no interest in being an equal support, then the other one has to support both the structure AND the other beam all by itself; it will not be able to keep it up for very long at all, and if it doesn't get out from under, it may get crushed under the weight.
Grooming Others To Be Supportive
The
smaller details in the patterns reveal the bigger picture: Wondering why
people seem so supportive of some people, no matter how trivial their
complaint or accomplishment? And others get so little support it's
ridiculous, no matter how severe the problem?
~
The individuals in a group actually get "groomed" to be supportive of the person who complains the MOST, and who is constantly making announcements about themselves. They are being conditioned with little social signal rewards, over and over.
At the same time, the same people are getting "groomed" to be UNsupportive toward people who DON'T complain, who don't boast, and who don't make continuous announcements.
~
They don't realize it, it's not on purpose, they're just being subconsciously trained that when they are supportive toward one person, they will receive a small reward. When they are unsupportive of that person, they will receive a small "punishment" (like those psych. experiments with the small electric shock). When they show support or respect toward a person who they are "supposed to ignore", who's been designated as a scapegoat or target, low person on the totem pole, they ALSO receive a small "punishment".
If they diverge from the expected behavior, they receive an ABSENCE of reward, and an increase in "punishment".
~
Let's say there's a pair of office "buddies" who pal around together, but one of them (Jules) is decidedly the dominant one, the "star" of the pair, and the other (Sal) is the "sidekick" (in the dominant one's mind.) When Jules talks, it's usually either about hs ailments, his boat, his kids' sports teams, or his adamant, absolute views. This doesn't really "make him a bad guy"~ but notice when SAL starts to speak, JULES talks over him. Whatever Sal is talking about, Jules pipes in and over. Jules wants ALL EYES ON HIM, all the time. If Sal is limping because of the bike accident he got in this morning, and you ask him if he's alright, when he starts to tell you the story Jules will be standing there filling in the details. If you stand there any longer, Jules will be telling you about the bike accident he was in last summer.
If Jules is talking about something and Sal pipes in, and you say "What did you say, Sal?" Jules might wait for him to say a couple of words, but soon enough he'll be interrupting and diverting your attention back on himself.
~
You get USED to this, it becomes "normal". The built-in adaptation to the environment we have in our human brains takes over and tells us "this is the way it is; Jules is the one to pay attention to, Sal is the one to ignore, and it's okay, everyone does it." If Jules is speaking and Sal starts to talk, everyone ignores Sal and keeps listening to Jules. If Sal is talking and Jules starts to talk, everyone AGAIN ignores Sal, and turns their attention to Jules.
~
Jules has groomed the group to be USED TO supporting and listening to him. Jules has also groomed the group to be USED TO dismissing, ignoring, and disrespecting Sal.
~
This is how it's done.
LITTLE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. STREAMS OF THEM.
Jules cuts his finger on a piece of paper and the world stops; Sal gets hit by a car and everyone says "poor Sal" but goes back to what they were doing.
Jules doesn't go to the hospital to visit Sal more than once, but when Sal gets out, he drives Jules around for a week because he can't drive his stick shift with the paper cut. No one notices the disparity.
Jules is upset because the electric company messed up and now he has a late payment on his bill, everyone is sympathetic and up in arms!
Sal is upset because he was mugged on his way to work, they punched him and took his whole wallet; everyone says "oh that's too bad" and then "But you need to look on the bright side and quit complaining, at least you're alive!" and go back to what they were doing.
~
The entertainment, advertisement, and political science fields know all about it, and do it on purpose, every day.
~
The individuals in a group actually get "groomed" to be supportive of the person who complains the MOST, and who is constantly making announcements about themselves. They are being conditioned with little social signal rewards, over and over.
At the same time, the same people are getting "groomed" to be UNsupportive toward people who DON'T complain, who don't boast, and who don't make continuous announcements.
~
They don't realize it, it's not on purpose, they're just being subconsciously trained that when they are supportive toward one person, they will receive a small reward. When they are unsupportive of that person, they will receive a small "punishment" (like those psych. experiments with the small electric shock). When they show support or respect toward a person who they are "supposed to ignore", who's been designated as a scapegoat or target, low person on the totem pole, they ALSO receive a small "punishment".
If they diverge from the expected behavior, they receive an ABSENCE of reward, and an increase in "punishment".
~
Let's say there's a pair of office "buddies" who pal around together, but one of them (Jules) is decidedly the dominant one, the "star" of the pair, and the other (Sal) is the "sidekick" (in the dominant one's mind.) When Jules talks, it's usually either about hs ailments, his boat, his kids' sports teams, or his adamant, absolute views. This doesn't really "make him a bad guy"~ but notice when SAL starts to speak, JULES talks over him. Whatever Sal is talking about, Jules pipes in and over. Jules wants ALL EYES ON HIM, all the time. If Sal is limping because of the bike accident he got in this morning, and you ask him if he's alright, when he starts to tell you the story Jules will be standing there filling in the details. If you stand there any longer, Jules will be telling you about the bike accident he was in last summer.
If Jules is talking about something and Sal pipes in, and you say "What did you say, Sal?" Jules might wait for him to say a couple of words, but soon enough he'll be interrupting and diverting your attention back on himself.
~
You get USED to this, it becomes "normal". The built-in adaptation to the environment we have in our human brains takes over and tells us "this is the way it is; Jules is the one to pay attention to, Sal is the one to ignore, and it's okay, everyone does it." If Jules is speaking and Sal starts to talk, everyone ignores Sal and keeps listening to Jules. If Sal is talking and Jules starts to talk, everyone AGAIN ignores Sal, and turns their attention to Jules.
~
Jules has groomed the group to be USED TO supporting and listening to him. Jules has also groomed the group to be USED TO dismissing, ignoring, and disrespecting Sal.
~
This is how it's done.
LITTLE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. STREAMS OF THEM.
Jules cuts his finger on a piece of paper and the world stops; Sal gets hit by a car and everyone says "poor Sal" but goes back to what they were doing.
Jules doesn't go to the hospital to visit Sal more than once, but when Sal gets out, he drives Jules around for a week because he can't drive his stick shift with the paper cut. No one notices the disparity.
Jules is upset because the electric company messed up and now he has a late payment on his bill, everyone is sympathetic and up in arms!
Sal is upset because he was mugged on his way to work, they punched him and took his whole wallet; everyone says "oh that's too bad" and then "But you need to look on the bright side and quit complaining, at least you're alive!" and go back to what they were doing.
~
The entertainment, advertisement, and political science fields know all about it, and do it on purpose, every day.
Your Own World
Imagine yourself on your own planet. You get to make this world into whatever you want it to be, it's your creative project, and it's all about how wonderful your life is, and how beautiful the world is, and how you are helping it to flourish and blossom and grow! This world is God's gift to you, you are the painter, the sculptor, the writer, the songwriter, and the healer. The beauty and the life is yours to appreciate, to enjoy, and to live inside of.
Now, picture every other person on their own planet, all with the same beautiful gifts given to them by God, all with their own paintbrush, their own animal companions, their own living, breathing world that they get to live in and create their own beautiful lives.
Floating over in the distance, you see that some people have lost hold of their world, they're floating away from their personal planets and are drifting aimlessly, lost, scared, and confused. You drift over to them and help them catch their planets again. They are grateful, and you are happy for them.
Everyone's planets resonate with one another, spin around one another, creating the most enchanting, glorious, soothing, harmonious music ever heard. They reflect glints and colors off one another, combining in a complex and spectacular light show.
Someone in the distance seems to be drifting toward you, and you notice that their planet is bigger than the others. As they loom closer, you see that their planet is actually a group of planets that are revolving in a tight cluster around a central planet. Some of the planets around you seem to pull away from you, and drift toward this strange cluster. The person on the central planet is beckoning you. You find it strange and unsettling, and are saddened that some of the others around you who were making beautiful music and lights seem to have drifted into the cluster's gravitational pull. You feel alone, and you want to join them so you can be with them, but you sense that something's not right.
The person on the central planet beckons to you again. You call out 'I don't think I want to join you, thanks anyway". The central planet person begs you, promises you all kinds of things, comforts and extra privileges and powers. You still refuse politely. Suddenly the central planet person begins to throw stones at you, apparently trying to knock you OFF of your planet... some others join him. You start spinning too fast, all you can do now is hold on as tight as you can to your planet so you don't spin off into space and lose hold of your Sacred Gift.
After what seems like a very, very long time, your planet starts to slow down its spin. You look around and find yourself alone, your planet undone, all that you've created and loved and lived seems barely alive. Others float by occasionally, but they stare at you as if you're some kind of strange asteroid who doesn't belong. No one offers to help you rebuild, except for one person who keeps criticizing you and telling you to "get over yourself".
Exhausted, you fall asleep in the ruins of your planet. You dream of wonderful times past, and you also dream nightmares of terrible ordeals.
When you wake up, your planet is still in ruins. No one has come to rescue you, help you, or even offer you rainwater. Everyone who floats by just stares at you like you're some kind of strange object who isn't welcome or wanted.
You drift in space, alone on your rock, for what seems like a lifetime. No one seems to notice, no one seems to care, and you are losing hope that you will ever see life on your planet again. Nothing you do seems to make anything grow. You fear the others who stare at you, you avoid the ones who criticize and point at you, and you worry that the cluster will come back and finish the job. You are so tired. You are ready to give up, but you don't really want to. You just don't seem able to bring your planet back to life, and you're not sure anymore if it's worth the effort.
Then one day, you feel the warmth of the sun on your back. You turn and look, and remember. The sunlight is just as golden as it's always been, full of life-giving energy. You lay in its rays, soaking up its energy, feeling its warmth, letting yourself remember the beauty you used to live inside of.
The next day, you feel a raindrop on your head. You look up, and there's another planet above you; someone is sharing some of their life-giving raindrops, letting them fall on you and your little planet.
The next day, you notice some little green shoots on one of your trees. You hadn't noticed it before. And there, in what you thought was a dead pool, is a little green frog, and next to it a little green turtle. Over a hill, you notice a tiny red blossom all alone in a patch of dirt. You close your eyes and listen; a song sparrow sings in the distance.
Each day you find a new shoot, a new little blossom, another glorious little life. Each day you feel gratitude for the sun, and the water that turns to life-giving rain. Your planet did not die after all, it was just dormant, resting, waiting for the sun and the rain, waiting for a safe time and space to grow again. You can feel the life slowly coming back, flower by flower, tree by tree, bird by bird, turtle by turtle. You ARE still alive, you always were. You feel blessed, and hopeful.
M.M.Black 2013
Now, picture every other person on their own planet, all with the same beautiful gifts given to them by God, all with their own paintbrush, their own animal companions, their own living, breathing world that they get to live in and create their own beautiful lives.
Floating over in the distance, you see that some people have lost hold of their world, they're floating away from their personal planets and are drifting aimlessly, lost, scared, and confused. You drift over to them and help them catch their planets again. They are grateful, and you are happy for them.
Everyone's planets resonate with one another, spin around one another, creating the most enchanting, glorious, soothing, harmonious music ever heard. They reflect glints and colors off one another, combining in a complex and spectacular light show.
Someone in the distance seems to be drifting toward you, and you notice that their planet is bigger than the others. As they loom closer, you see that their planet is actually a group of planets that are revolving in a tight cluster around a central planet. Some of the planets around you seem to pull away from you, and drift toward this strange cluster. The person on the central planet is beckoning you. You find it strange and unsettling, and are saddened that some of the others around you who were making beautiful music and lights seem to have drifted into the cluster's gravitational pull. You feel alone, and you want to join them so you can be with them, but you sense that something's not right.
The person on the central planet beckons to you again. You call out 'I don't think I want to join you, thanks anyway". The central planet person begs you, promises you all kinds of things, comforts and extra privileges and powers. You still refuse politely. Suddenly the central planet person begins to throw stones at you, apparently trying to knock you OFF of your planet... some others join him. You start spinning too fast, all you can do now is hold on as tight as you can to your planet so you don't spin off into space and lose hold of your Sacred Gift.
After what seems like a very, very long time, your planet starts to slow down its spin. You look around and find yourself alone, your planet undone, all that you've created and loved and lived seems barely alive. Others float by occasionally, but they stare at you as if you're some kind of strange asteroid who doesn't belong. No one offers to help you rebuild, except for one person who keeps criticizing you and telling you to "get over yourself".
Exhausted, you fall asleep in the ruins of your planet. You dream of wonderful times past, and you also dream nightmares of terrible ordeals.
When you wake up, your planet is still in ruins. No one has come to rescue you, help you, or even offer you rainwater. Everyone who floats by just stares at you like you're some kind of strange object who isn't welcome or wanted.
You drift in space, alone on your rock, for what seems like a lifetime. No one seems to notice, no one seems to care, and you are losing hope that you will ever see life on your planet again. Nothing you do seems to make anything grow. You fear the others who stare at you, you avoid the ones who criticize and point at you, and you worry that the cluster will come back and finish the job. You are so tired. You are ready to give up, but you don't really want to. You just don't seem able to bring your planet back to life, and you're not sure anymore if it's worth the effort.
Then one day, you feel the warmth of the sun on your back. You turn and look, and remember. The sunlight is just as golden as it's always been, full of life-giving energy. You lay in its rays, soaking up its energy, feeling its warmth, letting yourself remember the beauty you used to live inside of.
The next day, you feel a raindrop on your head. You look up, and there's another planet above you; someone is sharing some of their life-giving raindrops, letting them fall on you and your little planet.
The next day, you notice some little green shoots on one of your trees. You hadn't noticed it before. And there, in what you thought was a dead pool, is a little green frog, and next to it a little green turtle. Over a hill, you notice a tiny red blossom all alone in a patch of dirt. You close your eyes and listen; a song sparrow sings in the distance.
Each day you find a new shoot, a new little blossom, another glorious little life. Each day you feel gratitude for the sun, and the water that turns to life-giving rain. Your planet did not die after all, it was just dormant, resting, waiting for the sun and the rain, waiting for a safe time and space to grow again. You can feel the life slowly coming back, flower by flower, tree by tree, bird by bird, turtle by turtle. You ARE still alive, you always were. You feel blessed, and hopeful.
M.M.Black 2013
Teachers Who Are Narcissists Aren't Fun
Narcissists
(and those who are Narcissistic) make terrible Teachers! They don't
make good teachers, they make terrible teachers. The former student who
reports that a Narc. teacher was "the best teacher" was almost always
either one of the teacher's "Golden Pets", or the student was
conditioned to be co-dependent (respect Controllers/misinterpret the
flags).
~
A teacher, coach, professor or instructor who is Narcissistic does the same behaviors with students as with any other relationship: It's all about HIM or HER. The only students the N. Teacher "likes" are those who fit in with his or her expectations, comfort zone, and ego for whatever reason. Any students who DON'T FIT are ignored, cast aside, dismissed, and even sabotaged, depending on the severity of the particular teacher's Narcissism issues.
~
Consider a music instructor with Narcissism: He already believes himself superior, right from the get-go. He's most likely teaching because it gives him automatic "subordinates" who are subject to his scrutiny, judgment, and criticism, and who SEEK HIS APPROVAL, quite literally; they have to get it in order to pass the class!
~
How does he conduct his class... He assesses which students he LIKES, first, and actually coaches those particular students along (hopefully, for their sakes). He makes "normal" eye contact, giving them neutral and positive feedback, giving them accurate feedback (hopefully). He may allow the ones he really favors to receive extra instruction after class. If there is a student that he really favors, he may REALLY "coach" that student, trying to mold them into a prodigy, his personal "project". That student will get "First Violin", or be featured regularly in solos. The N. Teacher will focus his or her instruction often directly on that student, as if there's no one else in the class, or as if that student is a "fellow Peer" to the Teacher, and they are "among novices". That student will be put in the awkward position of "Leader Of The Class" whether they like it or not. That is the "Golden Student" of the class.
~
Being the "Golden Student" is NOT that student's fault, not in the least. Yes, some students are also Narcissistic, so they would JUMP on the chance to lord over the other students and be the Teacher's "Pet" or "Assistant", but it's still the N. Teacher's doing. The relationship is authority/subordinate, the student is in the subordinate role. That student is actually in the most danger of sabotage of all the other students, because if he or she makes any "wrong move", he or she is going to receive the wrath of the N. Teacher's injured ego. Also, if that student, say, writes a brilliant new song, the odds of the N. Teacher claiming it as his own are pretty high, and then the N. would probably "cover it up" by discrediting the student with a smear campaign and bad grades. Or, the N. teacher might try to use the student as a Trophy or a Winning Horse, and parade him or her around as much as possible, which means the student can't do anything else and must be at the N's beck and call, or be REJECTED.
~
There are other students in the N. Teacher's classroom that are also in direct danger. Those are any student who fits the profile of the N's personal prejudices. So if the N. is racist against white people, all the white students are probably going to get treated poorly. If the N. is racist against Asian students, same result; African-descent students, same result, and so on.
If the Teacher has prejudice against female students, then the male students will get "normal" or favored treatment, and the female students will be treated like "losers" and "idiots". If the N's prejudice is anti-male, then the result will be the opposite.
~
Narcissistic Teachers don't TEACH OBJECTIVELY, or with caring, or with empathy, or even sympathetically. Their goal is not to educate the whole CLASS, and treat all of the students with equal respect, and be a positive, respectful ROLE MODEL and MENTOR for all of the students. He or she is ONLY interested in the life and future of him or her SELF, and perhaps a little bit in chosen "Golden Students", but only because he or she wants their attention or company, and also wants them to reflect well on him or her.
~
If a Narcissistic Teacher finds ANYTHING "unlikeable" about a student, that student WILL BE TREATED with disdain, dismissal, or worse, literal sabotage or abuse. A student who exhibits anything that the N. Teacher feels uncomfortable about, annoyed by, prejudice against, or threatened by will cause the N. to treat them with disdain, just like a classroom PEER might. It could be anything at all, something like a facial scar, or a certain last name, or a certain hair cut or clothing, or their family's "wealth" or "poverty", their family's Political Party, the student's tone of voice, the student's mannerisms, body type, height, face, etc, Ad infinitum.
~
A student with a high level of talent, capability, apparent intelligence or "good looks" will immediately catch the attention of a Narcissistic Teacher, and the Teacher will either make that student "Golden", or make that student a TARGET, to be "knocked down" and "put in place", or just generally sabotaged. There will be no in between, no neutrality; Narcissistic people don't have neutrality with other people. It's either "good" or "bad", "winner" or "loser", "Favored" or "Rejected".
Obviously, the more savvy N. Teacher will be keen on hiding his or her real motives and behaviors, just like any other Narcissist, especially toward other adults. So if a student complains about them, the student will be ignored.
~
There is NO field of work that is immune to Narcissists. Any jobs that place one in a position of authority over other people, and that also place one in a position to receive admiration and recognition from others are very attractive to Narcissists.
~
A teacher, coach, professor or instructor who is Narcissistic does the same behaviors with students as with any other relationship: It's all about HIM or HER. The only students the N. Teacher "likes" are those who fit in with his or her expectations, comfort zone, and ego for whatever reason. Any students who DON'T FIT are ignored, cast aside, dismissed, and even sabotaged, depending on the severity of the particular teacher's Narcissism issues.
~
Consider a music instructor with Narcissism: He already believes himself superior, right from the get-go. He's most likely teaching because it gives him automatic "subordinates" who are subject to his scrutiny, judgment, and criticism, and who SEEK HIS APPROVAL, quite literally; they have to get it in order to pass the class!
~
How does he conduct his class... He assesses which students he LIKES, first, and actually coaches those particular students along (hopefully, for their sakes). He makes "normal" eye contact, giving them neutral and positive feedback, giving them accurate feedback (hopefully). He may allow the ones he really favors to receive extra instruction after class. If there is a student that he really favors, he may REALLY "coach" that student, trying to mold them into a prodigy, his personal "project". That student will get "First Violin", or be featured regularly in solos. The N. Teacher will focus his or her instruction often directly on that student, as if there's no one else in the class, or as if that student is a "fellow Peer" to the Teacher, and they are "among novices". That student will be put in the awkward position of "Leader Of The Class" whether they like it or not. That is the "Golden Student" of the class.
~
Being the "Golden Student" is NOT that student's fault, not in the least. Yes, some students are also Narcissistic, so they would JUMP on the chance to lord over the other students and be the Teacher's "Pet" or "Assistant", but it's still the N. Teacher's doing. The relationship is authority/subordinate, the student is in the subordinate role. That student is actually in the most danger of sabotage of all the other students, because if he or she makes any "wrong move", he or she is going to receive the wrath of the N. Teacher's injured ego. Also, if that student, say, writes a brilliant new song, the odds of the N. Teacher claiming it as his own are pretty high, and then the N. would probably "cover it up" by discrediting the student with a smear campaign and bad grades. Or, the N. teacher might try to use the student as a Trophy or a Winning Horse, and parade him or her around as much as possible, which means the student can't do anything else and must be at the N's beck and call, or be REJECTED.
~
There are other students in the N. Teacher's classroom that are also in direct danger. Those are any student who fits the profile of the N's personal prejudices. So if the N. is racist against white people, all the white students are probably going to get treated poorly. If the N. is racist against Asian students, same result; African-descent students, same result, and so on.
If the Teacher has prejudice against female students, then the male students will get "normal" or favored treatment, and the female students will be treated like "losers" and "idiots". If the N's prejudice is anti-male, then the result will be the opposite.
~
Narcissistic Teachers don't TEACH OBJECTIVELY, or with caring, or with empathy, or even sympathetically. Their goal is not to educate the whole CLASS, and treat all of the students with equal respect, and be a positive, respectful ROLE MODEL and MENTOR for all of the students. He or she is ONLY interested in the life and future of him or her SELF, and perhaps a little bit in chosen "Golden Students", but only because he or she wants their attention or company, and also wants them to reflect well on him or her.
~
If a Narcissistic Teacher finds ANYTHING "unlikeable" about a student, that student WILL BE TREATED with disdain, dismissal, or worse, literal sabotage or abuse. A student who exhibits anything that the N. Teacher feels uncomfortable about, annoyed by, prejudice against, or threatened by will cause the N. to treat them with disdain, just like a classroom PEER might. It could be anything at all, something like a facial scar, or a certain last name, or a certain hair cut or clothing, or their family's "wealth" or "poverty", their family's Political Party, the student's tone of voice, the student's mannerisms, body type, height, face, etc, Ad infinitum.
~
A student with a high level of talent, capability, apparent intelligence or "good looks" will immediately catch the attention of a Narcissistic Teacher, and the Teacher will either make that student "Golden", or make that student a TARGET, to be "knocked down" and "put in place", or just generally sabotaged. There will be no in between, no neutrality; Narcissistic people don't have neutrality with other people. It's either "good" or "bad", "winner" or "loser", "Favored" or "Rejected".
Obviously, the more savvy N. Teacher will be keen on hiding his or her real motives and behaviors, just like any other Narcissist, especially toward other adults. So if a student complains about them, the student will be ignored.
~
There is NO field of work that is immune to Narcissists. Any jobs that place one in a position of authority over other people, and that also place one in a position to receive admiration and recognition from others are very attractive to Narcissists.
Who's Fault Is It, Anyway...Relationships
What's your fault in a painful relationship?
~
He ignores you when you talk...
Nope, not your fault.
~
She stands you up for dinner or lunch dates...
Nope, not your fault.
~
He criticizes your hair and clothes...
Nope, not your fault.
~
She criticizes the way you walk...
Nope, not your fault.
~
He accuses you of flirting with random men when you are quite certain you're not...
Nope.
~
She tells you you should "just get over it"...
Nope.
~
He always seems to have something more important going on than spending time with you...
Nope.
~
She accuses you of being crazy or abusive every time you're upset about her name-calling and aggression.
Nope.
~
He often critiques, assesses, and criticizes your "housekeeping", your driving, and your decisions.
Nope, still not your fault.
~
She changes the subject every time you're speaking.
Nope, not your fault.
~
He got fired.
Nope.
~
She was in your car when someone else hit you from behind.
Nope.
~
He pays way more attention to and engages much more with other women, and to other people in general, than to you, both in social media (Facebook) and in real life.
No, still not your fault.
~
She doesn't like what you do for a living, or what your interests, pursuits, and goals are.
Nope.
So what the heck IS your fault?
Here's a hint: The only things that are your "fault" are things that YOU do and say, not things that THEY do and say. If you said something mean to them, that's your "fault", you did that. If they said something mean to you, that's THEIR accountability. THEY said the mean thing, not you. If they didn't call you back so you got mad and retaliated, that retaliation is yours, you own it. If they retaliate BACK, that's THEIR action, they own it.
If someone is criticizing you left and right, putting you down, lying, putting other people above you, then there is something seriously wrong with this picture. Why would they DO things like that to ANYONE (can you picture them doing those things to their best friend, or their favorite rock star?) and also, why are you allowing it?
~
He ignores you when you talk...
Nope, not your fault.
~
She stands you up for dinner or lunch dates...
Nope, not your fault.
~
He criticizes your hair and clothes...
Nope, not your fault.
~
She criticizes the way you walk...
Nope, not your fault.
~
He accuses you of flirting with random men when you are quite certain you're not...
Nope.
~
She tells you you should "just get over it"...
Nope.
~
He always seems to have something more important going on than spending time with you...
Nope.
~
She accuses you of being crazy or abusive every time you're upset about her name-calling and aggression.
Nope.
~
He often critiques, assesses, and criticizes your "housekeeping", your driving, and your decisions.
Nope, still not your fault.
~
She changes the subject every time you're speaking.
Nope, not your fault.
~
He got fired.
Nope.
~
She was in your car when someone else hit you from behind.
Nope.
~
He pays way more attention to and engages much more with other women, and to other people in general, than to you, both in social media (Facebook) and in real life.
No, still not your fault.
~
She doesn't like what you do for a living, or what your interests, pursuits, and goals are.
Nope.
So what the heck IS your fault?
Here's a hint: The only things that are your "fault" are things that YOU do and say, not things that THEY do and say. If you said something mean to them, that's your "fault", you did that. If they said something mean to you, that's THEIR accountability. THEY said the mean thing, not you. If they didn't call you back so you got mad and retaliated, that retaliation is yours, you own it. If they retaliate BACK, that's THEIR action, they own it.
If someone is criticizing you left and right, putting you down, lying, putting other people above you, then there is something seriously wrong with this picture. Why would they DO things like that to ANYONE (can you picture them doing those things to their best friend, or their favorite rock star?) and also, why are you allowing it?
Worried That You Might Have A Personality Disorder? Mental Illness? Trauma?
Sometimes
labels can drive us away from healing, because who wants to be stamped
with a disorder? The truth is all humans are susceptible to disorder,
emotional dysregulation or mental illness. Finding healing is more
important than the label.
In order to heal, we need to somehow identify what's going on, so we know what to work on and why. We can do it without labeling ourselves, we can simply find out what we're feeling and doing that's not on the axis of "healthy", and find ways to heal those things.
~
Those who have dealt with painful, stressful, or scary events in their past, especially ongoing relationships, often develop certain coping mechanisms to deal with the situation their in at the time, but that don't work very well for the rest of life, when there's no huge crisis or danger. Those coping skills during "regular life" are much like carrying a semi-automatic weapon, a bullet-proof vest and a shield to the grocery store; unless you live in a literal war-zone, you don't need to bring it; if we feel like we do, we're either in the wrong place, with the wrong people, or it's a coping mechanism from the past that really needs to be identified and healed. Or bringing a giant net everywhere one goes to "capture" new friends or lovers, or a stun-gun, or candy and gifts to lure them, or a conductor's wand to boss them around. That's obviously not the way to make real friends, or develop a healthy romantic partnership.
These coping tools and weapons are also manipulative ways to do business, and those with true inner integrity don't want to use those, they want to make an "honest living", and create healthy relationships.
~
Identifying some of these developed coping mechanisms can be difficult because they can feel embarrassing to admit we have them, because we don't want others to notice (especially if they're prone to bullying), and also because it's hard to look at one's own back, and inside one's own head. Also if we don't know we're doing it, how can we know we're doing it? We can though, and once we get rolling it can actually become interesting, even fun, and definitely liberating.
~
A few basic coping mechanisms that many people develop are:
Retreating when stress, anxiety, fear, or discomfort is felt in any situation.
Making up "reasons" for one's retreat that are either completely false, or psychosomatic. (I have to go, I'm late for... I can't come, I have to... I can't go to work, I'm sick again...) The body and mind is very, very good at "getting us out of" stressful situations, it can even make us sick if that's what seems to work.
Making sure we are only dealing with one person at a time, so when we're with one person, we make sure we're not with another.
Catering to those who make demands on us to avoid and alleviate the stress they cause when we don't give them what they want.
Shutting out those who do NOT make demands on us, in order to cater to those who do (to avoid stress, and avoid jealousy coming from the "demanders")
Arranging our lives so that we can be available to those who make demands on us, or who have taken over the driver's seat in our own lives. We often do this and then "hate" our lives, and can't seem to make our lives better.
Hiding our actions, lying.
Holding onto people who we don't really like because we can't stand the pain of separation, and are afraid to risk rejection.
Making sure we "fit in" with others in order to avoid their rejection or bullying, or in order to manipulate them into "liking us".
Making ourselves the "boss" of other people in an attempt to make them into a subordinate, so they'll feel obligated to stay with us or "look up to" us.
Giving unsolicited (unasked for) advice, forcing "caretaking" on others, jumping on opportunities to treat others like they're ignorant, weak, or incompetent in order to get a feeling of importance or capability.
Jumping off-subject, off-topic, the moment we feel discomfort, or feel bored.
Seeking adrenaline-rush by over-spending, driving fast, dominating others, being hostile and aggressive, or other behaviors.
"Self-medicating" within the frame of self-pity.
Keeping emotional injuries "open" because healing them means letting go of certain things like identifying ourselves as wounded, and therefore having an excuse for rage and other behaviors.
Labeling others as either "good" or "evil"
Triangulating; gossiping; creating factions and cliques; trying to ostracize certain people from larger groups we're in.
Trying to separate people from one another, or keep them separate from one another.
Being passive-aggressive, hostile, and/or retaliating toward anyone we feel envy or jealousy toward.
Avoiding doing things to actually heal ourselves; dropping things that were working to heal ourselves and going back to old habits because it's more comfortable.
Caring more about our own comfort than the actual needs of others in our lives; treating others without respect because it's "hard" to behave in a respectful manner.
Feeling guilt and/or shame when we're doing anything other than catering to certain "demanders" in our lives.
In order to heal, we need to somehow identify what's going on, so we know what to work on and why. We can do it without labeling ourselves, we can simply find out what we're feeling and doing that's not on the axis of "healthy", and find ways to heal those things.
~
Those who have dealt with painful, stressful, or scary events in their past, especially ongoing relationships, often develop certain coping mechanisms to deal with the situation their in at the time, but that don't work very well for the rest of life, when there's no huge crisis or danger. Those coping skills during "regular life" are much like carrying a semi-automatic weapon, a bullet-proof vest and a shield to the grocery store; unless you live in a literal war-zone, you don't need to bring it; if we feel like we do, we're either in the wrong place, with the wrong people, or it's a coping mechanism from the past that really needs to be identified and healed. Or bringing a giant net everywhere one goes to "capture" new friends or lovers, or a stun-gun, or candy and gifts to lure them, or a conductor's wand to boss them around. That's obviously not the way to make real friends, or develop a healthy romantic partnership.
These coping tools and weapons are also manipulative ways to do business, and those with true inner integrity don't want to use those, they want to make an "honest living", and create healthy relationships.
~
Identifying some of these developed coping mechanisms can be difficult because they can feel embarrassing to admit we have them, because we don't want others to notice (especially if they're prone to bullying), and also because it's hard to look at one's own back, and inside one's own head. Also if we don't know we're doing it, how can we know we're doing it? We can though, and once we get rolling it can actually become interesting, even fun, and definitely liberating.
~
A few basic coping mechanisms that many people develop are:
Retreating when stress, anxiety, fear, or discomfort is felt in any situation.
Making up "reasons" for one's retreat that are either completely false, or psychosomatic. (I have to go, I'm late for... I can't come, I have to... I can't go to work, I'm sick again...) The body and mind is very, very good at "getting us out of" stressful situations, it can even make us sick if that's what seems to work.
Making sure we are only dealing with one person at a time, so when we're with one person, we make sure we're not with another.
Catering to those who make demands on us to avoid and alleviate the stress they cause when we don't give them what they want.
Shutting out those who do NOT make demands on us, in order to cater to those who do (to avoid stress, and avoid jealousy coming from the "demanders")
Arranging our lives so that we can be available to those who make demands on us, or who have taken over the driver's seat in our own lives. We often do this and then "hate" our lives, and can't seem to make our lives better.
Hiding our actions, lying.
Holding onto people who we don't really like because we can't stand the pain of separation, and are afraid to risk rejection.
Making sure we "fit in" with others in order to avoid their rejection or bullying, or in order to manipulate them into "liking us".
Making ourselves the "boss" of other people in an attempt to make them into a subordinate, so they'll feel obligated to stay with us or "look up to" us.
Giving unsolicited (unasked for) advice, forcing "caretaking" on others, jumping on opportunities to treat others like they're ignorant, weak, or incompetent in order to get a feeling of importance or capability.
Jumping off-subject, off-topic, the moment we feel discomfort, or feel bored.
Seeking adrenaline-rush by over-spending, driving fast, dominating others, being hostile and aggressive, or other behaviors.
"Self-medicating" within the frame of self-pity.
Keeping emotional injuries "open" because healing them means letting go of certain things like identifying ourselves as wounded, and therefore having an excuse for rage and other behaviors.
Labeling others as either "good" or "evil"
Triangulating; gossiping; creating factions and cliques; trying to ostracize certain people from larger groups we're in.
Trying to separate people from one another, or keep them separate from one another.
Being passive-aggressive, hostile, and/or retaliating toward anyone we feel envy or jealousy toward.
Avoiding doing things to actually heal ourselves; dropping things that were working to heal ourselves and going back to old habits because it's more comfortable.
Caring more about our own comfort than the actual needs of others in our lives; treating others without respect because it's "hard" to behave in a respectful manner.
Feeling guilt and/or shame when we're doing anything other than catering to certain "demanders" in our lives.
The False Power Of Controllers
The
"power" a Controller has over a target is largely false. An important
part of the process of gaining control others, whether it's one person
or a group, is building up one's appearance of power in the MINDS of
targets.
~
Individual Controllers do this, and so do POLITICIANS. By acting as if one is more powerful than another, Controllers are able to convince a person that they ARE ACTUALLY more powerful. Larger physical stature helps this process along, as does certain vocal frequencies. (Larger in general, or just larger than a specific target.)
Controllers will often purposely seek to create a network of people around themselves, which makes them appear supported, popular, and therefore appear MORE POWERFUL. Many do try to recruit others in this network to target the same person (scapegoating, smearing, bullying, ostracism.) Further, many also try to recruit those who are connected to the target to join them instead, and turn on the target.
The more people a Controller seems to be connected to and supported by, the larger and more powerful a Controller will appear. The more powerful a Controller appears, the more likely a target will feel dominated by them, and the more they will be worried about consequences for standing up to them.
Social signals play a large part for most Controller's power displays. Rude behavior, invasion of personal boundaries, treating others with disrespect, cutting in line, standing in front of others, walking in front of others, taking things from others, making "directing" gestures, speaking "over" or "through" a person's head to another person, purposely refusing to acknowledge a person's presence or speech, making unnecessary loud NOISES either with their body or with objects, walking "tough", standing "tough", and condescending at any opportunity. Pretending they don't NOTICE that a person is being treated disrespectfully or rudely by someone else.
Other animals do many of these things as well when trying to display dominance, obviously without the words.
A Controller might not even be doing the social signals on purpose, they might just have picked up certain speech patterns and body language from a parent, or other adults present in their childhood (like any child would), and might actually believe that people are "submitting" to them because they're innately superior.
These tactics and signals work so well that a single individual can make a an entire country believe, and submit to their "Leadership". It's been done so many times, in recorded history, documented and exposed, it's truly stunning how the human species still falls for it en masse on a regular basis.
People are susceptible to believing a person has more power because of various displays, because it's wired into the Homo Sapien brain to submit to or follow whoever seems to have "proven" their superior power. These "proven" power displays are going on all the time with a Controller, it's how they live their lives. If you've ever watched documentaries showing group animals' behavior, especially groups who always have a "leader", you can see how certain individuals seem simply obsessed with power and dominance displays, it seems like that's their favorite thing in the world to do, they do it at any opportunity. This is the same with Human Controllers, they're living inside of their desire for control and power over others, so much so that they might not even be aware of it.
Whether it's a personal relationship, a family dynamic, a community, an organization, a business or a national government, the tactics are the SAME. It is more about the BELIEF that an individual has much more power than they actually do that usually causes a target to feel trapped and fearful, less than the reality. It actually can cause a target to avoid seeking a way out, seeking help from others, and going about meeting their own needs.
~
Individual Controllers do this, and so do POLITICIANS. By acting as if one is more powerful than another, Controllers are able to convince a person that they ARE ACTUALLY more powerful. Larger physical stature helps this process along, as does certain vocal frequencies. (Larger in general, or just larger than a specific target.)
Controllers will often purposely seek to create a network of people around themselves, which makes them appear supported, popular, and therefore appear MORE POWERFUL. Many do try to recruit others in this network to target the same person (scapegoating, smearing, bullying, ostracism.) Further, many also try to recruit those who are connected to the target to join them instead, and turn on the target.
The more people a Controller seems to be connected to and supported by, the larger and more powerful a Controller will appear. The more powerful a Controller appears, the more likely a target will feel dominated by them, and the more they will be worried about consequences for standing up to them.
Social signals play a large part for most Controller's power displays. Rude behavior, invasion of personal boundaries, treating others with disrespect, cutting in line, standing in front of others, walking in front of others, taking things from others, making "directing" gestures, speaking "over" or "through" a person's head to another person, purposely refusing to acknowledge a person's presence or speech, making unnecessary loud NOISES either with their body or with objects, walking "tough", standing "tough", and condescending at any opportunity. Pretending they don't NOTICE that a person is being treated disrespectfully or rudely by someone else.
Other animals do many of these things as well when trying to display dominance, obviously without the words.
A Controller might not even be doing the social signals on purpose, they might just have picked up certain speech patterns and body language from a parent, or other adults present in their childhood (like any child would), and might actually believe that people are "submitting" to them because they're innately superior.
These tactics and signals work so well that a single individual can make a an entire country believe, and submit to their "Leadership". It's been done so many times, in recorded history, documented and exposed, it's truly stunning how the human species still falls for it en masse on a regular basis.
People are susceptible to believing a person has more power because of various displays, because it's wired into the Homo Sapien brain to submit to or follow whoever seems to have "proven" their superior power. These "proven" power displays are going on all the time with a Controller, it's how they live their lives. If you've ever watched documentaries showing group animals' behavior, especially groups who always have a "leader", you can see how certain individuals seem simply obsessed with power and dominance displays, it seems like that's their favorite thing in the world to do, they do it at any opportunity. This is the same with Human Controllers, they're living inside of their desire for control and power over others, so much so that they might not even be aware of it.
Whether it's a personal relationship, a family dynamic, a community, an organization, a business or a national government, the tactics are the SAME. It is more about the BELIEF that an individual has much more power than they actually do that usually causes a target to feel trapped and fearful, less than the reality. It actually can cause a target to avoid seeking a way out, seeking help from others, and going about meeting their own needs.
Envy And Fleas
When you refer to yourself, or I refer to myself..
When I talk about myself and use "I" and "me", or when you do the same thing,...
When you try to tell your story, or if I say your story reminds me of something in my own life...
When you share your observation, or when I share my opinion..
When I'm venting (so it's all about "me") or when you're venting (so it's all about "you")
When I'm overwhelmed or expressing a need, or when you are either or both~
if a Narcissist is listening (or reading), they are thinking "Narcissist! You're so self centered! It's all about you, you, you! You want all the credit, you want to be the center of attention, you're always trying to get attention, praise, and sympathy! You always think you know everything...you're so self-righteous... you're so..."
~
Because Narcissists can't stand it when others are the subject or center of the conversation (unless it's negative.)
They can't stand it when someone else is talking about themselves for more than five seconds (that might be too long).
They resent it when someone else is getting attention, credit, or praise from others.
They hate it when someone else is celebrating or happy about anything that doesn't include (or FEATURE) them.
They don't like it when someone else seems to be doing well, or doing something well, or getting even a moment of recognition or reward for it.
If they were to time how long they talked about themselves, and how long you talked about yourself; how long they listened to you, and how long you listened to them, they might see a clearer picture. If they listened to the content of what they were talking about, and the content of your communication, they might get some more clarity. If they realized that they aren't thinking of you as a PERSON like themselves but only as a sounding board, a support, or an audience, without real emotions and needs of your own...
Focusing resentment, envy, and projection on a person who is actually in a leadership position by default is not uncommon, there's always at least one employee who resents the boss for having the "leader" position, band members who resent the front person and/or the songwriter, interest-group members who resent the person who founded the group (but don't leave), actors who resent the director (but don't want the job), recovery group, 12 step, and support group members who resent the group leader just because (but stay anyway). Students who resent the teachers. Martial Arts students who resent the Sensei.
~
This envy can also be found as "fleas" on targets of Narc. abuse, especially if the abuse took place during childhood. There was almost certainly comparing going on; this child is better than that child, why can't you be more like her, look how HE behaves, see how nice she looks, isn't SHE just beautiful, isn't HE so handsome, don't you wish you were as strong as he is...
There was most likely withholding of approval, acceptance, and praise for a variety of "reasons"; punishment, control, manipulation, "keeping her humble", keeping the spotlight on the Golden Child.
There was probably a lot of exclusion going on; "We're going to dinner, you stay here" "We're going on vacation, you're staying with so and so" "Stay in your room until the guests leave" "The wedding does not allow children"
There was probably consistent put-downs all around, "Give that here, you do it like THIS!" "You throw like a girl" "You look like a boy" "You're so lazy" "You're so slow" "You're not the beautiful type, you're more like a farm girl" "Girls don't like little boys who whine"
And there was probably a lot of spotlight-stealing, spotlight grabbing, spotlight hoarding, invalidation, getting knocked off the proverbial stage (by those who were supposed to support), and spotlight blocking. Grandstanding, pontificating, lecturing, and story-telling. Lots of "I, me, me, I, me, and then I, me, I, sometimes a we, we, and then we, and then I..."
So, in retrospect, it's understandable that a person who grew up dealing with Narcissistic behavior might pick up a few resentments, triggers, or "fleas".
It's not healthy to feed those fleas, they are parasitical and will bite at and suck at a person's spirit, and make healing more difficult. They can be picked off and the bite marks can be healed as soon as one starts looking for them and seeing them for what they are. It's not the same as self-deprecation; these fleas are not part of "who we are", they're side effects, little things we picked up and held on to. They may have helped us to cope in the environment at the time.
As Suzanne Wingrove said, "Send that which you want to get rid of, that which you want to throw away, that which you see as garbage to the Earth; She will turn it over into compost and create new life with it."
When I talk about myself and use "I" and "me", or when you do the same thing,...
When you try to tell your story, or if I say your story reminds me of something in my own life...
When you share your observation, or when I share my opinion..
When I'm venting (so it's all about "me") or when you're venting (so it's all about "you")
When I'm overwhelmed or expressing a need, or when you are either or both~
if a Narcissist is listening (or reading), they are thinking "Narcissist! You're so self centered! It's all about you, you, you! You want all the credit, you want to be the center of attention, you're always trying to get attention, praise, and sympathy! You always think you know everything...you're so self-righteous... you're so..."
~
Because Narcissists can't stand it when others are the subject or center of the conversation (unless it's negative.)
They can't stand it when someone else is talking about themselves for more than five seconds (that might be too long).
They resent it when someone else is getting attention, credit, or praise from others.
They hate it when someone else is celebrating or happy about anything that doesn't include (or FEATURE) them.
They don't like it when someone else seems to be doing well, or doing something well, or getting even a moment of recognition or reward for it.
If they were to time how long they talked about themselves, and how long you talked about yourself; how long they listened to you, and how long you listened to them, they might see a clearer picture. If they listened to the content of what they were talking about, and the content of your communication, they might get some more clarity. If they realized that they aren't thinking of you as a PERSON like themselves but only as a sounding board, a support, or an audience, without real emotions and needs of your own...
Focusing resentment, envy, and projection on a person who is actually in a leadership position by default is not uncommon, there's always at least one employee who resents the boss for having the "leader" position, band members who resent the front person and/or the songwriter, interest-group members who resent the person who founded the group (but don't leave), actors who resent the director (but don't want the job), recovery group, 12 step, and support group members who resent the group leader just because (but stay anyway). Students who resent the teachers. Martial Arts students who resent the Sensei.
~
This envy can also be found as "fleas" on targets of Narc. abuse, especially if the abuse took place during childhood. There was almost certainly comparing going on; this child is better than that child, why can't you be more like her, look how HE behaves, see how nice she looks, isn't SHE just beautiful, isn't HE so handsome, don't you wish you were as strong as he is...
There was most likely withholding of approval, acceptance, and praise for a variety of "reasons"; punishment, control, manipulation, "keeping her humble", keeping the spotlight on the Golden Child.
There was probably a lot of exclusion going on; "We're going to dinner, you stay here" "We're going on vacation, you're staying with so and so" "Stay in your room until the guests leave" "The wedding does not allow children"
There was probably consistent put-downs all around, "Give that here, you do it like THIS!" "You throw like a girl" "You look like a boy" "You're so lazy" "You're so slow" "You're not the beautiful type, you're more like a farm girl" "Girls don't like little boys who whine"
And there was probably a lot of spotlight-stealing, spotlight grabbing, spotlight hoarding, invalidation, getting knocked off the proverbial stage (by those who were supposed to support), and spotlight blocking. Grandstanding, pontificating, lecturing, and story-telling. Lots of "I, me, me, I, me, and then I, me, I, sometimes a we, we, and then we, and then I..."
So, in retrospect, it's understandable that a person who grew up dealing with Narcissistic behavior might pick up a few resentments, triggers, or "fleas".
It's not healthy to feed those fleas, they are parasitical and will bite at and suck at a person's spirit, and make healing more difficult. They can be picked off and the bite marks can be healed as soon as one starts looking for them and seeing them for what they are. It's not the same as self-deprecation; these fleas are not part of "who we are", they're side effects, little things we picked up and held on to. They may have helped us to cope in the environment at the time.
As Suzanne Wingrove said, "Send that which you want to get rid of, that which you want to throw away, that which you see as garbage to the Earth; She will turn it over into compost and create new life with it."
Above Reproach
When
we begin to believe that we are one of those without arrogance, bigotry,
or ego, we may want to count our resentments and annoyances toward
others.
The Costs Of Beliefs, Stereotypes, Assumptions And Ego
The "Crazy-Making", Narcissistic, generally abusive behavior coming from men does LOOK different on the outside from abusive behavior from women, but when we look under the hood, it becomes clear that it's the same engine that drives the vehicle.
~
The reason the behaviors themselves are different is not some kind of scientific biological process, as so many would like to think. The REAL reason is simple:
Manipulators, abusers, and controllers TAILOR their behavior to what WORKS FOR THEM as an individual.
~
Even if they don't KNOW they're doing it, they learn by trial, error, and mimicry what other people will ALLOW them to get away with. They learn what other people EXPECT from girls and women, and from boys and men. It's not about who THEY REALLY ARE, it's about what OTHER PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE.
~
So if Sharon believes that all men are naturally good at fixing things, and women are NOT, she's already opening the door to the next male manipulator who's playing on that belief.
If Sharon believes that all (or most) women are natural caregivers and men are NOT, she's again already opening the door to the next female manipulator who's playing on that belief.
~
That looks like:
(Sharon is going to have a rough year~ good thing she's not real).
Sharon has an 8 year old daughter, Missy. Her mother is elderly and is thinking about going into a "home". A new neighbor, Mike, moves in nearby.
Sharon and her Mom visit several elderly-living places in the area. They speak to staff and take facility tours. They both agree on one of the places, the staff was very friendly to them, and seemed very caring.... After a couple of weeks there, Sharon's Mom begins to seem withdrawn. When Sharon speaks to staff, they assure her that everything is fine, that this is to be expected. Then Sharon's Mom starts to seem spacey, and is not caring for herself like she usually does. They assure her it's "age". Then Sharon notices a bruise on her Mom's arm, they assure her that her Mom did that to herself. One day Sharon comes in one day before visiting hours and finds her Mom tied to a chair all by herself, crying, calling for a nurse. She overhears staff complaining about her, "o.m.g. that whiny old lady, I wish she'd just SHUT UP!" "I KNOW! Did you give her an extra dose? If you didn't, I'm gonna. She pissed herself again, I'm not cleaning it up."
When they hear Sharon's footsteps, they both immediately stand up straight, smile sweetly and scurry around, pretending to be very concerned about Sharon's Mom's needs and comfort, and go on to Sharon about how "stubborn" she's been.
Yes, Sharon gets her out of there and brings her home, but she had no concern before that about how her Mom was being treated. Her conditioned belief in gender stereotypes "Females Are Naturally Compassionate Caregivers" had her TRUSTING them, ASSUMING that they were what she expected them to be. She also bought into the "Super-Responsible-Capable" act that certain staff members put on. When they acted friendly and kind, it solidified her TRUST in them personally. When they flattered her, she trusted them MORE. When they acted BRUSQUE , "VERY BUSY" and RUDE , she believed it conveyed CAPABILITY, EXPERIENCE and EXPERTISE. She actually had passed over the facility that would have treated her Mom very well because they didn't behave in this manner, they were very polite and genuinely kind, not bossy or condescending, which Sharon misinterpreted as lack of experience and capability.
~
Sharon needs a babysitter for her 8 year old daughter. She looks around to area families to hire a young person for the job. She decides on a 15 year old girl from the neighborhood. Sharon doesn't realize it, but she chose this girl because she appears older than another friend's daughter, not for any other reason. Also, she chose a girl instead of a boy, because of her gender beliefs (like in the nursing home.) In reality, outside of Sharon's presumptions based on superficial appearance, the friend's daughter with the younger appearance is actually MUCH more responsible than the girl she chose, and much better with kids. Her other friend's son, who also wanted the job, is a very responsible boy who babysits his own little sister, very well.
Again, Sharon made the decision based on nothing other than her own stereotypes and assumptions. Sharon calls it her "gut feeling", so she thinks she's accurate. Unfortunately, the girl Sharon hired wants the money so she can buy marijuana... from the kids she invites to Sharon's house while she's babysitting... who all smoke in the bathroom out the window and ignore the child... in order to keep her secret, she threatens Sharon's daughter...
Sharon's daughter tells her Mom that she doesn't like the babysitter, but Sharon's response to her is "You'll just have to get used to it." The babysitter reports to Sharon that her daughter "acts up" and doesn't want to follow the rules... Sharon believes the babysitter, and keeps her on for another year. In the meantime, Sharon's daughter shows changes in her behavior, acting out and seeming despondent, to which Sharon blames on her daughter's "moody personality". Luckily, the babysitter gets a job at a fast food restaurant and can no longer babysit. But damage has been done.
~
Sharon needs some household repairs done. Her friend Molly has been doing carpentry and remodeling for years, so she asks her advice about the repair work. Molly offers to do it for free if Sharon buys the material. Oddly, Sharon does not say "great, thank you!". Instead, she implies that she doesn't want to do it "right now", maybe next month, and she doesn't thank Molly for the offer, either, she just changes the subject.
Sharon met her new neighbor Mike a week ago, and invited him in for coffee. Mike works as a sales rep. at an electronics store, but also works for his male friend doing remodeling. Sharon asks Mike about the repairs she needs done around her home. He doesn't really know how to do them, but he pretends he does to save face, kind of making guesses and using appropriate words and phrases. Sharon falls for his smoke screen because of her conditioned belief that men automatically know about such things, and know better than women. She asks Mike to schedule the repair work with his friend's business.
***
Mike says "Oh sure, we'll TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU." This is a phrase he learned many years ago that he knows most people, especially women, tend to respond to, especially coming from men. (Men respond well to it also, especially coming from women. It invokes a cradling, care-taking feeling, sincerity notwithstanding.)
***
Sharon feels a little excited at the prospect of having men in her home doing repair work. She really doesn't want Molly to do it because she's secretly envious of her and doesn't want Molly to get the credit for it. Also, she was conditioned as a child that men are naturally good at carpentry and repair, and women are not, and she has built this belief into her OWN identity and life, as well as projecting it onto others.
In other words, she TRUSTS MIKE AND HIS MALE FRIEND, and she wants to trust them. Not because she has any REAL reason to trust them, she has never dealt with either of them before, she doesn't know them well personally, or in business. She has no real reason to trust them, and yet she does, because of her own conditioned beliefs, assumptions, and emotions.
Mike and his friend charge Sharon full price but tell her they're giving her a discount... because she's a friend... which she believes and does not check up on... not only because she TRUSTS them, but because she LIKES trusting them. While Mike is in her house, he takes a few things he thinks she won't notice missing. She doesn't pay attention because she likes trusting them. Mike's friend tells Sharon she also needs some other work done, most of which she immediately agrees to even though it's a strain on her budget. Mike's friend "cuts corners" and "takes shortcuts" on much of the work, but Sharon doesn't pay attention, or even notice. One of the repairs isn't even done, it's just covered over.
The jobs take several weeks, because Mike's friend has put Sharon low on the priority list. Her behavior has shown him that she's easy to manipulate, she'll believe whatever he tells her.
Part of Sharon's gender belief conditioning was also "Do Not Question Men" and "Ignore My Suspicions About The Motives And Actions Of Others". Her subconscious fears consequences that she might get if she questions their prices, the time they're taking, and even the missing items in her home, so she just DOESN'T question them.
In the meantime, Mike has ensconced himself into Sharon's personal life, and is slowly finding out more and more about her and her finances.
Sharon no longer calls Molly, she feels shame about the way she treated her but can't let go of her ego enough to admit it and apologize. She's still envious of Molly and doesn't like that Molly does things that she herself can't do. If she had simply treated her friend with respect, she would have saved not only a huge amount of money, but the repairs would have all been done correctly and well. There would not have been an opportunity for Mike to get so close to her personally or steal things, the friendship with Molly would have grown stronger instead of getting ruined. It would have also helped Molly's business reputation, which would have improved both of their lives materially.
So Sharon's beliefs, conditioning, and ego cost her quite a bit, in many ways, and also cost Molly.
Avoiding all mistakes is not actually possible, we can't know what we don't know, and manipulators purposely hide things from our view, and purposely present their 'best face'. But we do have control over our own beliefs and assumptions about people, both ourselves and others, and how quickly we "let others in" before we get to know them for real. We also have the ability to observe our own ego-driven behaviors (like rejecting and diminishing others due to our own resentment or envy) from the privacy of our own eyes and ears.
No one else has to know we're watching others, or watching ourselves.
~
The reason the behaviors themselves are different is not some kind of scientific biological process, as so many would like to think. The REAL reason is simple:
Manipulators, abusers, and controllers TAILOR their behavior to what WORKS FOR THEM as an individual.
~
Even if they don't KNOW they're doing it, they learn by trial, error, and mimicry what other people will ALLOW them to get away with. They learn what other people EXPECT from girls and women, and from boys and men. It's not about who THEY REALLY ARE, it's about what OTHER PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE.
~
So if Sharon believes that all men are naturally good at fixing things, and women are NOT, she's already opening the door to the next male manipulator who's playing on that belief.
If Sharon believes that all (or most) women are natural caregivers and men are NOT, she's again already opening the door to the next female manipulator who's playing on that belief.
~
That looks like:
(Sharon is going to have a rough year~ good thing she's not real).
Sharon has an 8 year old daughter, Missy. Her mother is elderly and is thinking about going into a "home". A new neighbor, Mike, moves in nearby.
Sharon and her Mom visit several elderly-living places in the area. They speak to staff and take facility tours. They both agree on one of the places, the staff was very friendly to them, and seemed very caring.... After a couple of weeks there, Sharon's Mom begins to seem withdrawn. When Sharon speaks to staff, they assure her that everything is fine, that this is to be expected. Then Sharon's Mom starts to seem spacey, and is not caring for herself like she usually does. They assure her it's "age". Then Sharon notices a bruise on her Mom's arm, they assure her that her Mom did that to herself. One day Sharon comes in one day before visiting hours and finds her Mom tied to a chair all by herself, crying, calling for a nurse. She overhears staff complaining about her, "o.m.g. that whiny old lady, I wish she'd just SHUT UP!" "I KNOW! Did you give her an extra dose? If you didn't, I'm gonna. She pissed herself again, I'm not cleaning it up."
When they hear Sharon's footsteps, they both immediately stand up straight, smile sweetly and scurry around, pretending to be very concerned about Sharon's Mom's needs and comfort, and go on to Sharon about how "stubborn" she's been.
Yes, Sharon gets her out of there and brings her home, but she had no concern before that about how her Mom was being treated. Her conditioned belief in gender stereotypes "Females Are Naturally Compassionate Caregivers" had her TRUSTING them, ASSUMING that they were what she expected them to be. She also bought into the "Super-Responsible-Capable" act that certain staff members put on. When they acted friendly and kind, it solidified her TRUST in them personally. When they flattered her, she trusted them MORE. When they acted BRUSQUE , "VERY BUSY" and RUDE , she believed it conveyed CAPABILITY, EXPERIENCE and EXPERTISE. She actually had passed over the facility that would have treated her Mom very well because they didn't behave in this manner, they were very polite and genuinely kind, not bossy or condescending, which Sharon misinterpreted as lack of experience and capability.
~
Sharon needs a babysitter for her 8 year old daughter. She looks around to area families to hire a young person for the job. She decides on a 15 year old girl from the neighborhood. Sharon doesn't realize it, but she chose this girl because she appears older than another friend's daughter, not for any other reason. Also, she chose a girl instead of a boy, because of her gender beliefs (like in the nursing home.) In reality, outside of Sharon's presumptions based on superficial appearance, the friend's daughter with the younger appearance is actually MUCH more responsible than the girl she chose, and much better with kids. Her other friend's son, who also wanted the job, is a very responsible boy who babysits his own little sister, very well.
Again, Sharon made the decision based on nothing other than her own stereotypes and assumptions. Sharon calls it her "gut feeling", so she thinks she's accurate. Unfortunately, the girl Sharon hired wants the money so she can buy marijuana... from the kids she invites to Sharon's house while she's babysitting... who all smoke in the bathroom out the window and ignore the child... in order to keep her secret, she threatens Sharon's daughter...
Sharon's daughter tells her Mom that she doesn't like the babysitter, but Sharon's response to her is "You'll just have to get used to it." The babysitter reports to Sharon that her daughter "acts up" and doesn't want to follow the rules... Sharon believes the babysitter, and keeps her on for another year. In the meantime, Sharon's daughter shows changes in her behavior, acting out and seeming despondent, to which Sharon blames on her daughter's "moody personality". Luckily, the babysitter gets a job at a fast food restaurant and can no longer babysit. But damage has been done.
~
Sharon needs some household repairs done. Her friend Molly has been doing carpentry and remodeling for years, so she asks her advice about the repair work. Molly offers to do it for free if Sharon buys the material. Oddly, Sharon does not say "great, thank you!". Instead, she implies that she doesn't want to do it "right now", maybe next month, and she doesn't thank Molly for the offer, either, she just changes the subject.
Sharon met her new neighbor Mike a week ago, and invited him in for coffee. Mike works as a sales rep. at an electronics store, but also works for his male friend doing remodeling. Sharon asks Mike about the repairs she needs done around her home. He doesn't really know how to do them, but he pretends he does to save face, kind of making guesses and using appropriate words and phrases. Sharon falls for his smoke screen because of her conditioned belief that men automatically know about such things, and know better than women. She asks Mike to schedule the repair work with his friend's business.
***
Mike says "Oh sure, we'll TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU." This is a phrase he learned many years ago that he knows most people, especially women, tend to respond to, especially coming from men. (Men respond well to it also, especially coming from women. It invokes a cradling, care-taking feeling, sincerity notwithstanding.)
***
Sharon feels a little excited at the prospect of having men in her home doing repair work. She really doesn't want Molly to do it because she's secretly envious of her and doesn't want Molly to get the credit for it. Also, she was conditioned as a child that men are naturally good at carpentry and repair, and women are not, and she has built this belief into her OWN identity and life, as well as projecting it onto others.
In other words, she TRUSTS MIKE AND HIS MALE FRIEND, and she wants to trust them. Not because she has any REAL reason to trust them, she has never dealt with either of them before, she doesn't know them well personally, or in business. She has no real reason to trust them, and yet she does, because of her own conditioned beliefs, assumptions, and emotions.
Mike and his friend charge Sharon full price but tell her they're giving her a discount... because she's a friend... which she believes and does not check up on... not only because she TRUSTS them, but because she LIKES trusting them. While Mike is in her house, he takes a few things he thinks she won't notice missing. She doesn't pay attention because she likes trusting them. Mike's friend tells Sharon she also needs some other work done, most of which she immediately agrees to even though it's a strain on her budget. Mike's friend "cuts corners" and "takes shortcuts" on much of the work, but Sharon doesn't pay attention, or even notice. One of the repairs isn't even done, it's just covered over.
The jobs take several weeks, because Mike's friend has put Sharon low on the priority list. Her behavior has shown him that she's easy to manipulate, she'll believe whatever he tells her.
Part of Sharon's gender belief conditioning was also "Do Not Question Men" and "Ignore My Suspicions About The Motives And Actions Of Others". Her subconscious fears consequences that she might get if she questions their prices, the time they're taking, and even the missing items in her home, so she just DOESN'T question them.
In the meantime, Mike has ensconced himself into Sharon's personal life, and is slowly finding out more and more about her and her finances.
Sharon no longer calls Molly, she feels shame about the way she treated her but can't let go of her ego enough to admit it and apologize. She's still envious of Molly and doesn't like that Molly does things that she herself can't do. If she had simply treated her friend with respect, she would have saved not only a huge amount of money, but the repairs would have all been done correctly and well. There would not have been an opportunity for Mike to get so close to her personally or steal things, the friendship with Molly would have grown stronger instead of getting ruined. It would have also helped Molly's business reputation, which would have improved both of their lives materially.
So Sharon's beliefs, conditioning, and ego cost her quite a bit, in many ways, and also cost Molly.
Avoiding all mistakes is not actually possible, we can't know what we don't know, and manipulators purposely hide things from our view, and purposely present their 'best face'. But we do have control over our own beliefs and assumptions about people, both ourselves and others, and how quickly we "let others in" before we get to know them for real. We also have the ability to observe our own ego-driven behaviors (like rejecting and diminishing others due to our own resentment or envy) from the privacy of our own eyes and ears.
No one else has to know we're watching others, or watching ourselves.
Malala
http://www.upworthy.com/watch-this-incredible-young-woman-render-jon-stewart-speechless?c=ufb1
Malala on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, please do click the link ^
Malala on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, please do click the link ^
Authority, Fuzzy Boundaries, and Narcissism
Misunderstanding
the difference between legitimate authority and made-up social
hierarchy is one of the traits that's common in those with injured, weakened, or fuzzy boundaries, and also in those with Narcissism.
~
So Susan doesn't want to recognize Jim's authority, even though he's the teacher in the class, because she doesn't like him personally. She won't sit still, refuses to remain silent when he's speaking, and rebels against his instruction. Susan thinks she is innately superior to Jim, and does not think she should "have to listen" to him. She is not able to GRASP the simple fact that Jim DOES have assigned authority over her, as the Teacher of that class. He also has basic authority as a faculty member of the school.
Susan resents Jim's authority, and believes that his belief in his authority is just because he's a man. She resents him personally, and sees this "hierarchy" as a sham, and also thinks she should be the Leader of this class instead, since she believes she can do a better job.
It does NOT cross her mind that Jim's position is a hired position, that he's not "taking" or assigning himself more authority than he "deserves". It does NOT cross her mind that Jim went to college in order to get this job, and that if he had not purposely gone through the actions to get his degree, that he wouldn't have been hired.
It does NOT cross her mind that if SHE acquired the same degree as Jim, she would qualify for the same position.
~
Mark was hired by Mary, who owns an Autobody shop. After the second week, Mark began subtly ignoring Mary's instructions and rebelling against her rules and policies. The third week, Mark was talking over Mary to customers, interrupting her, and condescending to her. The fourth week he was invading her office space, answering her phone, going on her computer. The fifth week he was rearranging her garage without her approval.
The sixth week, Mary spoke to him for the tenth time about his behavior, and told him she couldn't keep him on if he didn't stop. The seventh week, Mark stole several tools out of Mary's shop to "SHOW HER". (Show her what, exactly...?) The eighth week, Mary had to get a restraining order against him, and hired a security company for both her shop and her home. In the meantime, Mark went about smearing Mary's name and her shop to everyone he could in the area.
Why did Mark pull all this crap? Because Mark honestly believes that anytime he is in any kind of relationship dynamic with a female, whether it's personal or business, HE gets to be the Boss. He perceives Mary's not allowing him to be the Boss over her as HER being a Control Freak. He also thinks that she can't run the shop without his expertise and authority. (It doesn't seem to occur to him that Mary is the owner of the shop, with or without him).
Unfortunately Mark was inadvertently taught that men are innately entitled to supremacy over women, and since it seemed so normal as he grew up, he doesn't know that it's not real. (Just like children in racist communities and families are taught that it's normal to believe their race is innately superior, children in sexist communities and families are taught that it's normal to believe that one sex is superior to the other.)
So wherever Mark goes in life, he is going to have the same problem, over and over. The only places he will not get himself in this kind of trouble with this issue are in male-only groups and businesses (works well for male Narc. Controllers, Mark will never listen to a female, even his mother or sister, warning him about how a male Narc. is using him). So for Mark, his potential for finding a happy relationship is nil, and he has no real idea why that is. (He's told by the same people he grew up around that it's because women are all crazy or bad, and of course he believes it, because those people are his loved ones, and they all basically believe it (more or less) as well.)
~
The failure to recognize the difference between ACTUAL LEGITIMATE assigned authority and hierarchy can be seen on the "boss" side as well, just as much. The teacher with Narcissism believes the authority that goes with her position is actually INNATE authority because she is a superior being, and that she carries it with her internally. In her mind, her students are students because they're inferior beings.
The CEO with Narcissism believes he is hired because he is innately superior to the rest of the employees in the company, and he believes that all of his achievements reflect his supremacy, and that those who have not achieved the same "level" of material success or recognition are just inferior beings.
The Narcissistic parent believes that he or she is innately superior as a human being to their children, and that's why they have authority in the household over them.
The Narcissistic partner believes that the reason their partner is being polite and helpful is because he or she is displaying ADULATION, recognizing their "authority" and supremacy, and showing submissive subservience.
~
Specific examples can be seen quite readily in support/recovery groups and forums, and in any kind of classroom setting. Narcissism on the part of an instructor or group leader reveals itself as condescension and invalidation when certain members or students speak; bad grades as passive-aggressive dominance (not on merit); creating factions; blocking certain members and students from resources; discouragement, rejection, and blatant lack of respect and support toward certain students and members; displaying prejudice and biases in the group. (A coach who disparages the opposite sex or other races, for example "You throw like a girl" or "You're clumsy as a boy"; Teachers who disparage a political party or another race; Recovery group leaders who habitually imply that certain addictions or disorders are "worse than others" or "evil", or that their life experiences "outrank" everyone else's).
On the part of students and members, Narcissism reveals itself in many ways, such as habitually countering the instructor/leader, creating factions within the group, trying to insert one's self as the "real Leader" of the group, smearing others in the group or the instructor or leader, openly attacking/humiliating and trying to dominate the instructor/leader or others in the group.
~ Students, group members, and employees with Narcissism traits often desire the "Leader Position" (or "assistant to the Leader") within someone else's group, class, or business that has already been established. The same thing can be seen in government. The main goals of most Narcissists are recognition as "superior", control over everything and everyone in their lives, and to be the center of attention. That's why it doesn't MATTER what the actual task, job, or subject is, they're not actually interested in LEARNING, DOING, or RESOLVING, so much as they're interested in being The BOSS and being recognized as Better Than You at whatever it is.~
~
So Susan doesn't want to recognize Jim's authority, even though he's the teacher in the class, because she doesn't like him personally. She won't sit still, refuses to remain silent when he's speaking, and rebels against his instruction. Susan thinks she is innately superior to Jim, and does not think she should "have to listen" to him. She is not able to GRASP the simple fact that Jim DOES have assigned authority over her, as the Teacher of that class. He also has basic authority as a faculty member of the school.
Susan resents Jim's authority, and believes that his belief in his authority is just because he's a man. She resents him personally, and sees this "hierarchy" as a sham, and also thinks she should be the Leader of this class instead, since she believes she can do a better job.
It does NOT cross her mind that Jim's position is a hired position, that he's not "taking" or assigning himself more authority than he "deserves". It does NOT cross her mind that Jim went to college in order to get this job, and that if he had not purposely gone through the actions to get his degree, that he wouldn't have been hired.
It does NOT cross her mind that if SHE acquired the same degree as Jim, she would qualify for the same position.
~
Mark was hired by Mary, who owns an Autobody shop. After the second week, Mark began subtly ignoring Mary's instructions and rebelling against her rules and policies. The third week, Mark was talking over Mary to customers, interrupting her, and condescending to her. The fourth week he was invading her office space, answering her phone, going on her computer. The fifth week he was rearranging her garage without her approval.
The sixth week, Mary spoke to him for the tenth time about his behavior, and told him she couldn't keep him on if he didn't stop. The seventh week, Mark stole several tools out of Mary's shop to "SHOW HER". (Show her what, exactly...?) The eighth week, Mary had to get a restraining order against him, and hired a security company for both her shop and her home. In the meantime, Mark went about smearing Mary's name and her shop to everyone he could in the area.
Why did Mark pull all this crap? Because Mark honestly believes that anytime he is in any kind of relationship dynamic with a female, whether it's personal or business, HE gets to be the Boss. He perceives Mary's not allowing him to be the Boss over her as HER being a Control Freak. He also thinks that she can't run the shop without his expertise and authority. (It doesn't seem to occur to him that Mary is the owner of the shop, with or without him).
Unfortunately Mark was inadvertently taught that men are innately entitled to supremacy over women, and since it seemed so normal as he grew up, he doesn't know that it's not real. (Just like children in racist communities and families are taught that it's normal to believe their race is innately superior, children in sexist communities and families are taught that it's normal to believe that one sex is superior to the other.)
So wherever Mark goes in life, he is going to have the same problem, over and over. The only places he will not get himself in this kind of trouble with this issue are in male-only groups and businesses (works well for male Narc. Controllers, Mark will never listen to a female, even his mother or sister, warning him about how a male Narc. is using him). So for Mark, his potential for finding a happy relationship is nil, and he has no real idea why that is. (He's told by the same people he grew up around that it's because women are all crazy or bad, and of course he believes it, because those people are his loved ones, and they all basically believe it (more or less) as well.)
~
The failure to recognize the difference between ACTUAL LEGITIMATE assigned authority and hierarchy can be seen on the "boss" side as well, just as much. The teacher with Narcissism believes the authority that goes with her position is actually INNATE authority because she is a superior being, and that she carries it with her internally. In her mind, her students are students because they're inferior beings.
The CEO with Narcissism believes he is hired because he is innately superior to the rest of the employees in the company, and he believes that all of his achievements reflect his supremacy, and that those who have not achieved the same "level" of material success or recognition are just inferior beings.
The Narcissistic parent believes that he or she is innately superior as a human being to their children, and that's why they have authority in the household over them.
The Narcissistic partner believes that the reason their partner is being polite and helpful is because he or she is displaying ADULATION, recognizing their "authority" and supremacy, and showing submissive subservience.
~
Specific examples can be seen quite readily in support/recovery groups and forums, and in any kind of classroom setting. Narcissism on the part of an instructor or group leader reveals itself as condescension and invalidation when certain members or students speak; bad grades as passive-aggressive dominance (not on merit); creating factions; blocking certain members and students from resources; discouragement, rejection, and blatant lack of respect and support toward certain students and members; displaying prejudice and biases in the group. (A coach who disparages the opposite sex or other races, for example "You throw like a girl" or "You're clumsy as a boy"; Teachers who disparage a political party or another race; Recovery group leaders who habitually imply that certain addictions or disorders are "worse than others" or "evil", or that their life experiences "outrank" everyone else's).
On the part of students and members, Narcissism reveals itself in many ways, such as habitually countering the instructor/leader, creating factions within the group, trying to insert one's self as the "real Leader" of the group, smearing others in the group or the instructor or leader, openly attacking/humiliating and trying to dominate the instructor/leader or others in the group.
~ Students, group members, and employees with Narcissism traits often desire the "Leader Position" (or "assistant to the Leader") within someone else's group, class, or business that has already been established. The same thing can be seen in government. The main goals of most Narcissists are recognition as "superior", control over everything and everyone in their lives, and to be the center of attention. That's why it doesn't MATTER what the actual task, job, or subject is, they're not actually interested in LEARNING, DOING, or RESOLVING, so much as they're interested in being The BOSS and being recognized as Better Than You at whatever it is.~
Paradigm Shifts
It's
normal to feel uncomfortable and even ill when faced with evidence that
we've been living with false assumptions and beliefs our whole lives.
Especially when those beliefs are about ourselves and the people around
us; who we are as persons, who others are, and how we fit in the world.
If we've been taught that we were born with certain qualities and
privileges that others don't have, we tend
to base our identity and security on those things. Finding out it
wasn't really true may be so difficult to take that we may become angry,
defensive, or flat out deny that it's possible. It's really a shame
that so many children are raised being taught false beliefs about
themselves and others, since learning the truth after years of having
internalized those beliefs can actually be traumatic.
Changing How People Treat You
Yes,
you CAN change how others generally treat you by changing your own
behavior and appearance. But that's definitely NOT the whole picture,
it's only a small piece of it.
If you're a woman, or a smaller man, you are not going to walk into the average Carpenter's Union office and be treated with the same respect as a large man, no matter how "confident" you appear, how friendly or dominant you act, or what outfit you're wearing.
The bias and bad manners of other people are NOT dependent on YOU, the way you hold yourself, or your character as a person. A majority of humans are generally judgmental of others in very superficial and petty ways, and generally don't stop to doubt their snap judgments and assumptions.
If you're a tall, relatively athletic looking man wearing a certain kind of suit, MOST humans will assume that you are smart, successful, and capable in all kinds of things, with absolutely zero evidence. Other humans will assume that you are a "stuffed suit" and/or a slick politician, again with zero evidence. If you take that suit off, muss up your hair and change into overalls and boots, they'll probably peg you for a laborer or a farmer. Since you're a tall man, they'll probably STILL treat you like you know what you're doing in whatever field they think you're in, even with your hair mussed up. Your sister standing right next to you with a business suit on and well-groomed hair will be assumed to be only capable of certain business tasks (that you are in charge of), but not the actual hands-on labor; again, with zero evidence of any of it.
Generally, humans ASSUME and JUDGE, based on silly, superficial, nonsensical visuals. Humans treat others BASED ON these "assessments". BELIEVE IT, it's absolutely true. And even when they see for themselves that their assumptions were wrong, they will STILL often try to "make" their original judgment be real by behaving as if it IS real~ they don't just suddenly start treating a person with more respect when they see they were wrong, and in fact might start treating them with LESS respect, trying to "knock them down".
You can IMPROVE the way others react to you and treat you by changing the way you dress and do your hair, the way you hold yourself, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you treat THEM. But you are NOT going to get them to change their senseless biases and assumptions based on your general body type.
If you're a small woman who's a master craftsman, and you apply for a position with your brother who's also a master craftsman, guess who probably going to get the job? It doesn't matter HOW you come across to the employer, the odds of your brother being hired and NOT you are already stacked before you walk in the door. The only way you're going to get it INSTEAD of your brother is if the person hiring is actually aware enough to do a real assessment of each of you as potential hirees, OR if they have a specific reason why they would rather hire a woman, or you specifically.
Does it mean you should GIVE UP what you love to do and what you're good at just because other people can't handle it or don't want to recognize that you're capable? Absolutely not! But don't beat yourself up about the reasons why people don't treat you with the same respect that they treat others. It's good to present ourselves in a good light, and "show up respectably" and confidently. And.... that will IMPROVE the way people treat us. But it won't make them do a 180. Many, perhaps most humans are generally very biased and presumptuous in a very superficial, cartoonish way. (That's the reason changing your appearance even works in the first place).
Testing this is EASY!
You can stand back and WATCH how others treat different people, like in a big box store or a fast food restaurant, for example. Watch how the clerks and other workers interact with each different customer. Who do they smile at, who do they "help" more, who do they make eye contact with? Who do they display "respect" to, and who do they treat poorly, or with a lack of friendliness or respect?
When you go on a date, or go out somewhere with someone, watch how staff at the places you go to treat each of you differently. A person who has a lot of biases will usually treat one of you with more respect and friendliness than the other (bad for business). (If YOU or your friend is behaving with hostility and rudeness, then this experiment is moot, you aren't doing it right. In order for it to work, you both have to behave with the same well-mannered demeanor or it's pointless.)
Watch your OWN biases. Go in a store and look around to see who you assume would know more about the products, who is the boss, and who you would not ask for help because they "look" like they wouldn't be knowledgeable. Look at the businesses in your area, do you buy into the gender stereotypes of "what men are naturally better at" and "what women are naturally good at"? Where do you think those beliefs come from, and if they're "natural", then why are these assumptions different in different regions? If you ask about fixing a leak, who do you assume will know about it, and what's your basis for this assumption? Do you really believe that you "CAN'T" learn how to do certain things because of your gender? Do you place this belief on others? What about race, how do you see individuals of different races, what are your assumptions? When you go to a gas station, do you think you know all about each of the other individuals there, based on their vehicle their sex, and their appearance?
If you're a woman, or a smaller man, you are not going to walk into the average Carpenter's Union office and be treated with the same respect as a large man, no matter how "confident" you appear, how friendly or dominant you act, or what outfit you're wearing.
The bias and bad manners of other people are NOT dependent on YOU, the way you hold yourself, or your character as a person. A majority of humans are generally judgmental of others in very superficial and petty ways, and generally don't stop to doubt their snap judgments and assumptions.
If you're a tall, relatively athletic looking man wearing a certain kind of suit, MOST humans will assume that you are smart, successful, and capable in all kinds of things, with absolutely zero evidence. Other humans will assume that you are a "stuffed suit" and/or a slick politician, again with zero evidence. If you take that suit off, muss up your hair and change into overalls and boots, they'll probably peg you for a laborer or a farmer. Since you're a tall man, they'll probably STILL treat you like you know what you're doing in whatever field they think you're in, even with your hair mussed up. Your sister standing right next to you with a business suit on and well-groomed hair will be assumed to be only capable of certain business tasks (that you are in charge of), but not the actual hands-on labor; again, with zero evidence of any of it.
Generally, humans ASSUME and JUDGE, based on silly, superficial, nonsensical visuals. Humans treat others BASED ON these "assessments". BELIEVE IT, it's absolutely true. And even when they see for themselves that their assumptions were wrong, they will STILL often try to "make" their original judgment be real by behaving as if it IS real~ they don't just suddenly start treating a person with more respect when they see they were wrong, and in fact might start treating them with LESS respect, trying to "knock them down".
You can IMPROVE the way others react to you and treat you by changing the way you dress and do your hair, the way you hold yourself, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you treat THEM. But you are NOT going to get them to change their senseless biases and assumptions based on your general body type.
If you're a small woman who's a master craftsman, and you apply for a position with your brother who's also a master craftsman, guess who probably going to get the job? It doesn't matter HOW you come across to the employer, the odds of your brother being hired and NOT you are already stacked before you walk in the door. The only way you're going to get it INSTEAD of your brother is if the person hiring is actually aware enough to do a real assessment of each of you as potential hirees, OR if they have a specific reason why they would rather hire a woman, or you specifically.
Does it mean you should GIVE UP what you love to do and what you're good at just because other people can't handle it or don't want to recognize that you're capable? Absolutely not! But don't beat yourself up about the reasons why people don't treat you with the same respect that they treat others. It's good to present ourselves in a good light, and "show up respectably" and confidently. And.... that will IMPROVE the way people treat us. But it won't make them do a 180. Many, perhaps most humans are generally very biased and presumptuous in a very superficial, cartoonish way. (That's the reason changing your appearance even works in the first place).
Testing this is EASY!
You can stand back and WATCH how others treat different people, like in a big box store or a fast food restaurant, for example. Watch how the clerks and other workers interact with each different customer. Who do they smile at, who do they "help" more, who do they make eye contact with? Who do they display "respect" to, and who do they treat poorly, or with a lack of friendliness or respect?
When you go on a date, or go out somewhere with someone, watch how staff at the places you go to treat each of you differently. A person who has a lot of biases will usually treat one of you with more respect and friendliness than the other (bad for business). (If YOU or your friend is behaving with hostility and rudeness, then this experiment is moot, you aren't doing it right. In order for it to work, you both have to behave with the same well-mannered demeanor or it's pointless.)
Watch your OWN biases. Go in a store and look around to see who you assume would know more about the products, who is the boss, and who you would not ask for help because they "look" like they wouldn't be knowledgeable. Look at the businesses in your area, do you buy into the gender stereotypes of "what men are naturally better at" and "what women are naturally good at"? Where do you think those beliefs come from, and if they're "natural", then why are these assumptions different in different regions? If you ask about fixing a leak, who do you assume will know about it, and what's your basis for this assumption? Do you really believe that you "CAN'T" learn how to do certain things because of your gender? Do you place this belief on others? What about race, how do you see individuals of different races, what are your assumptions? When you go to a gas station, do you think you know all about each of the other individuals there, based on their vehicle their sex, and their appearance?
Too Smart
Narcissists
DO commonly treat those who they get a "smart/intelligent" vibe from
with disrespect and condescension. By the time they're adults, they've
been doing it for at least 10 years straight. They do it for the obvious
reasons of ego, control, and their domination issues. They also don't
want to get caught; if you're too smart, not only are you going to be
hard to manipulate, but you're going to see through the smoke.
Bias
Bias
is basically when I'm supportive and interested in one kind of person,
but bored with and non-supportive toward another kind of person.
~
So when tall, dark haired Leslie starts to speak, before she even finishes a syllable I'm quiet and paying attention so I can hear what she says, and I'm engaged and focused; I'm listening for the message she's conveying, and I display responses to her social signals; I laugh at her humor signals.
But when average height, soft spoken, light haired Lisa starts to speak, I barely pause to even acknowledge her. I might stop for a moment just to appear polite, but I really am not interested in what she has to say. When Lisa is finished speaking (or gives up because she's being ignored), I don't give her acknowledgment or respond to her humor, but I do argue with something she said.
~
In reality, Lisa is quite experienced on the subject we are talking about, and has some interesting things to say that I could really learn from. Leslie has a little experience, but not nearly as much as Lisa. Also, Lisa is actually a kinder person than Leslie, and much more polite. While Leslie interrupts people when they speak, counters them, and talks over them, Lisa is quite receptive to others' points of view, a very good listener, and a polite conversationalist.
~
So why am I listening to Leslie, but being quite rude and ignoring Lisa?
The harsh reality is not about them, but about ME. I'm simply not very aware of my own behavior, which is pretty rude, and is driven by my own bias.
Leslie's appearance catches my interest, and her manner reminds me of someone I like. Also, she's tall, and that kicks in a certain assumption that is often found in primates; following larger individuals. Her complexion and "coloring" is similar to my own, and my family's, so that feels comfortable. She seems popular, everyone else seems to pay attention to her, so my subconscious is reinforced to "pay attention to Leslie" because that's what "we" do. Her appearance, vocal tone and her body language convey dominance and a lack of manners, which I mistake for confidence and experience.
~
Lisa is smaller than Leslie, and me, so that kicks in a similar primate assumption: assigning smaller individuals "lower status". That's the biggest factor in my anti-Lisa bias, especially since she's sitting near Leslie, who I'm automatically comparing her to. Second, I get the feeling she's very intelligent, which threatens my ego, especially since she's smaller than me, and female. (I don't want to be told something I don't know by a "lower status" individual.) Third, her hair is light colored, which reminds me of a young person, which signals my subconscious again to lower her "status", and so I "don't have to pay attention to her". Fourth, her polite manner and soft voice signal to me that I will not receive serious CONSEQUENCES for ignoring her; she's probably not going to humiliate or attack me for being rude to her, because she's well-mannered. (Leslie probably would.)
Last but definitely NOT least, she reminds me of a classmate I grew up with who I was jealous of.
When no one else sends social signals that say "Hey! Pay attention to Lisa when she is speaking!", I just go along with my inclination to ignore her rudely, because I don't feel that there will be any real repercussions for doing so.
~
Our bias tells us who to pay attention to, who to engage with, who to treat with respect and friendliness, and who to listen to, believe, and follow.
It is NOT an accurate assessment of other people, although we often believe that's exactly what it is. Most of the time our biases are blanket assumptions and emotional associations that we developed in childhood, based on the very small, limited, tiny corner of the world we were experiencing, with a very small number of human beings in it. Of course we all think we're quite worldly and know "how people are", and believe we are pretty good at assessing people with very little information. We also tend to think that people are the same everywhere, that all cultures reflect the same stereotypes, and everything has been the way it is, basically, throughout history.
We think our biases are RIGHT, mostly.
So even when we're confronted with direct evidence that we are as "off" as we could possibly be, we usually deal with it by ignoring this evidence, and digging into our biases like a tick holding onto a dog's back.
~
Bias is one of the larger problems in our world, and one of the most difficult to change, only because WE don't want to change our OWN, mostly. We want to KEEP our biases, because they feel like Linus's blanket to our egos.
~
How do we change our biases? Simple~ by paying attention to our behavior; really paying attention.
By M.M.Black ©2013
~
So when tall, dark haired Leslie starts to speak, before she even finishes a syllable I'm quiet and paying attention so I can hear what she says, and I'm engaged and focused; I'm listening for the message she's conveying, and I display responses to her social signals; I laugh at her humor signals.
But when average height, soft spoken, light haired Lisa starts to speak, I barely pause to even acknowledge her. I might stop for a moment just to appear polite, but I really am not interested in what she has to say. When Lisa is finished speaking (or gives up because she's being ignored), I don't give her acknowledgment or respond to her humor, but I do argue with something she said.
~
In reality, Lisa is quite experienced on the subject we are talking about, and has some interesting things to say that I could really learn from. Leslie has a little experience, but not nearly as much as Lisa. Also, Lisa is actually a kinder person than Leslie, and much more polite. While Leslie interrupts people when they speak, counters them, and talks over them, Lisa is quite receptive to others' points of view, a very good listener, and a polite conversationalist.
~
So why am I listening to Leslie, but being quite rude and ignoring Lisa?
The harsh reality is not about them, but about ME. I'm simply not very aware of my own behavior, which is pretty rude, and is driven by my own bias.
Leslie's appearance catches my interest, and her manner reminds me of someone I like. Also, she's tall, and that kicks in a certain assumption that is often found in primates; following larger individuals. Her complexion and "coloring" is similar to my own, and my family's, so that feels comfortable. She seems popular, everyone else seems to pay attention to her, so my subconscious is reinforced to "pay attention to Leslie" because that's what "we" do. Her appearance, vocal tone and her body language convey dominance and a lack of manners, which I mistake for confidence and experience.
~
Lisa is smaller than Leslie, and me, so that kicks in a similar primate assumption: assigning smaller individuals "lower status". That's the biggest factor in my anti-Lisa bias, especially since she's sitting near Leslie, who I'm automatically comparing her to. Second, I get the feeling she's very intelligent, which threatens my ego, especially since she's smaller than me, and female. (I don't want to be told something I don't know by a "lower status" individual.) Third, her hair is light colored, which reminds me of a young person, which signals my subconscious again to lower her "status", and so I "don't have to pay attention to her". Fourth, her polite manner and soft voice signal to me that I will not receive serious CONSEQUENCES for ignoring her; she's probably not going to humiliate or attack me for being rude to her, because she's well-mannered. (Leslie probably would.)
Last but definitely NOT least, she reminds me of a classmate I grew up with who I was jealous of.
When no one else sends social signals that say "Hey! Pay attention to Lisa when she is speaking!", I just go along with my inclination to ignore her rudely, because I don't feel that there will be any real repercussions for doing so.
~
Our bias tells us who to pay attention to, who to engage with, who to treat with respect and friendliness, and who to listen to, believe, and follow.
It is NOT an accurate assessment of other people, although we often believe that's exactly what it is. Most of the time our biases are blanket assumptions and emotional associations that we developed in childhood, based on the very small, limited, tiny corner of the world we were experiencing, with a very small number of human beings in it. Of course we all think we're quite worldly and know "how people are", and believe we are pretty good at assessing people with very little information. We also tend to think that people are the same everywhere, that all cultures reflect the same stereotypes, and everything has been the way it is, basically, throughout history.
We think our biases are RIGHT, mostly.
So even when we're confronted with direct evidence that we are as "off" as we could possibly be, we usually deal with it by ignoring this evidence, and digging into our biases like a tick holding onto a dog's back.
~
Bias is one of the larger problems in our world, and one of the most difficult to change, only because WE don't want to change our OWN, mostly. We want to KEEP our biases, because they feel like Linus's blanket to our egos.
~
How do we change our biases? Simple~ by paying attention to our behavior; really paying attention.
By M.M.Black ©2013
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