Enlightenment Conundrum

The only ones who are actually interested in learning things from another's point of view, or continuing to learn things that they didn't know, and learning outside the box of their own personal biases, beliefs and conditioning, are those who ALREADY have humility in their hearts.

Humility is the most difficult thing to learn, and is required in order to learn.


(M.M.Black)

Are You A Wise Elder, or An Enlightened Youth?

There has never been a generation born on Earth who did not believe they had much more figured out than their "ignorant elders", or believe they were superior in wisdom and capability to their "silly youngers". Do that math. The only resolution is humility plus awareness, which when combined equals maturity.

Incessant "Advice": Narcissistic Codependent

Codependents with Narcissism are the ones who are constantly forcing "advice" and "help" onto targets with no respect for the real person. They put themselves in the role of "Uber Responsible" and "The One Who Knows", and they put the target in the role of "The Unstable One" "Lazy" "Irresponsible" "Rebellious" and "Loser".
In their minds, everything they do and say is "right", and proves just HOW responsible they are, and that they should receive complete understanding and sympathy for any "mistakes" they make, health issues, or negative events, and nothing a target does is ever good enough, deserves compassion, deserves sympathy or help, or ever shows that they're NOT lazy, unstable, or irresponsible.
Nothing they do is ever seen as a something they should be accountable for, wrong, or sorry for. Basically everything the target does is seen as something they're not doing right, not doing well enough, or is a wrong choice or decision.

They usually have a "back up" circle of people who have similar mindsets, who feed into their image of being "Super Responsible", and who also feed into their projections onto the target. Their circle would consist of people who do the same things as they do; they will also have targets whom they label,  will see themselves as super-responsible and above reproach, and will most likely not see themselves as a person who could use some counseling.

They expect MORE "respect" and recognition for their person, resources, feelings, opinions, accomplishments, gestures, and wants than others, and they give LESS "respect" and recognition than others deserve, especially to targets. They will constantly talk about just how wonderful they are and how wonderful other people think they are, and just how terrible and what a burden their targets are.

They commonly like to imagine that they're "smarter" "bigger" and "stronger", and that targets are "dimmer" "little" and "weak". They exaggerate either their own intelligence or their own physical strength and size, or both, and they minimize and shrink the actual intelligence, strength, and size of others, especially targets. They commonly don't gauge any person within the realm of reality; they always see them as much bigger and stronger or much smaller and weaker than they really are, and treat them accordingly.
(This practice helps to brainwash the youth around them into believing themselves to be either much stronger, tougher, and capable, or much weaker, fragile, and incapable, than they actually are.)

They feel REBELLED AGAINST, ignored, and disrespected when a target does not take their advice, no matter what that advice was. But they will NOT take advice from that same person (because a superior always knows more than an inferior...) If a target dares to give THEM advice, or even shares information, they will take it as "disrespect" or as an "ignorant" talking about something they don't know about.

They feel that every little thing they do is proof that they're one of the "good people", one of the "better people", and everything the target does or doesn't do (in their minds) proves that they're NOT "as good", or one of those "inferior" people. So they feel entitled at all times to try to force their opinion, advice, observations, and invade the target's personal space and life.

They are all "one way" so they don't take in any ACTUAL information about the target as a person, they FILTER all information about the target (and themselves, and their circle) so they ONLY acknowledge anything that perpetuates their fantasy that they are super-responsible, deserving, and above, and the target is irresponsible, illogical, unstable, undeserving, and below them.

They have no desire to change because their mindset is a stage from childhood where they found an overall feeling of comfort and control, and they are not about to give that up.

Taking You Seriously, Red Flag

~If I am not one of the people you take seriously, why on earth would you think that you're one of the people I take seriously?

Flags that happen so often in modern culture that most of us don't even realize it's going on:
They tell a story about themselves, you listen. They share their observations, you listen, making sounds and gestures of acknowledgment. They vent their frustrations, laments, ills, you listen. They tell the "story" about their morning, their ride to work, the conversation with their cat, their child, their mother, their neighbor, the mailman, you listen, nod, smile, and give feedback.
They talk, even if it's cutting into the time that something else is going on (work, meeting, dinner, going home, movie, school, someone else talking, break time, anything)
... YOU start to talk, and SUDDENLY it's "time to start work" or "time to go inside" or "time to listen to the speaker" or "listen to the show" or "pay attention" or "take this seriously".

There is ALWAYS time for them to tell THEIR stories (or certain other people), but there is amazingly NEVER time for you to tell YOUR stories.

This is so common in a dysfunctional culture because it is a "Hierarchy" display. Those who are not hierarchy and status-minded may not realize what's going on (for years). Whoever is a higher-status-monkey in the primate group gets to talk, and everyone listens to them when they talk, no matter what they're talking about or what they're saying, and whoever has been cast in a "lower status" position in the primate group gets ignored and dismissed, no matter what they're talking about or what they're saying. This practice actually serves to KEEP the monkey-hierarchy intact, because the only people who usually talk about the fact that the hierarchy exists, or that it's unfair, immature, and ridiculous, ARE those who have been put in "lower status" positions, so they get dismissed and even belittled when they speak AUTOMATICALLY. ~~~ If a person who has been designated as a "higher status" in the primate group starts pointing out the immaturity of the hierarchy, they will usually get attacked and will be targeted to be reassigned as "lower status" (so people will automatically stop listening to them speak.)

Narcissists are usually fixated on "hierarchy", and live their lives trying to be one of the "higher status" members within any group that they're part of. ("Higher status" does NOT necessarily mean "Leadership positions", although it can. It mostly means being seen as "one of the better people", one of the people that gets sympathy, positive attention, some form of group-consensus "respect". Higher Status means one gets sympathy instead of judgment and shame for transgressions or mistakes, it means that one gets listened to, praised, and remembered instead of ignored, criticized, and forgotten, it means that others in the group feel that they are "supposed to" give the person a certain amount of "respect" and be nice to them. It also means that one is allowed to display domination signals toward certain others, like ignoring them when they speak, treating them without respect, or talking about them behind their back, without consequence from other group members.)

Healthy Boundaries

What "Healthy Boundaries" are can be hard to describe in a literal sense. Some compare them to a fence around each person, others may call it a personal energy barrier, perhaps a membrane, or an invisible skin. However, since our personal boundary is invisible, it seems to be simpler to describe what we feel and look like when our boundary is healthy.
 
Having "healthy boundaries" means I can listen to someone else talk about their problems or their frustrations without assuming they are asking for my advice or help, or that they need it, or that I know anything that they don't already know.
If they have healthy boundaries, their motive behind telling me their problems or frustrations will not be to "compel" me or "guilt" me into giving them help or advice.
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"Healthy boundaries" means I don't go in someone else's living space, bedroom, car, or any other space without their permission, and they don't go in any of mine without my permission. It means I knock on a closed door and wait for permission before entering, and I expect the same from others.
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It means I expect my person, body, time, schedule, space, plans, intentions, and possessions to be fully respected, and that I treat others the same.
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It means that I know the difference between my FEELINGS and my ACTIONS and behavior, and expect that others know the difference as well.

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It means that I can and do listen to another person's point of view, beliefs, and experiences respectfully. And I expect the same from others.

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It means that I can and do listen to others without feeling like they're trying to make me "follow" them, and without becoming indoctrinated if I agree with or like some of the things they say.

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It means that I don't try to make others follow me, and I don't get upset if they don't follow or believe everything I say; and I'm not worried about hurting their feelings or angering them because I don't "follow" them.
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It means that I CAN "Follow" someone else's Lead respectfully, without rebelling against them, trying to take over, or trying to challenge their "position", and I expect the same from others when it's my turn to lead.

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It means I know the difference between "Leading" and "Dictating" or "Controlling", and I know the difference between "Following" and "Being Controlled or Dominated".

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It means I don't take everything personally, or think everything that everyone says and does is about me. If there is a time that I suspect something IS personal or against me, I don't hesitate to find out in a respectful manner what's going on.

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It means I look forward to meeting my own goals, and that I genuinely want others I know in my life to be happy, healthy, confident, and successful.  

I don't feel envious or superior to others. 

I know what "A rising tide lifts all ships" means.

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It means I communicate at all times, honestly and directly as much as possible, with the intention of INFORMATION EXCHANGE, with real respect and courtesy. I don't only communicate respectfully toward CERTAIN people, and NOT toward OTHERS.

And I expect the same courtesy and respect toward myself from other people.
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It means I don't "judge" others by my presumptions, by their appearance, by what others have said about them, by my prejudices and biases, by their reputation or titles, by their associates, nor even by their manner and speech. It takes much more than any of these superficial things to know anything worth knowing about another person, and a good deal of time. 

And I expect the same toward myself from others.
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It means if I have not come to know a person over a good deal of time and have come to truly trust them to some degree, that I don't allow them "in", to have access to my person, my space, and my life.

And I expect the same from others.
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It means using the same manners and respectful treatment toward every person, not using extra respectful manners toward one person and less respectful manners toward another. My manners and values come from ME, not from others; if I shake hands and show respect to the first man, I will do exactly the same toward his brother, toward his wife, his son, toward his daughter, and friend. 

And I expect the same toward myself and my associates from others.
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It means I can handle it when someone does not agree with me, or doesn't want to do something that I want to do, or doesn't like the same things I like, or is busy doing something that doesn't include me.
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It means I know the difference between someone who disagrees with me, and someone who COUNTERS or INSULTS me.
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It means I am not afraid to actively observe whether it is myself being "needy", "demanding" or "controlling" toward another person, or the other person being "controlling" or disrespectful toward ME.
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It means that I stand up for myself, or stand up for others who are being treated unfairly or with disrespect.
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It means that I know and expect that I will be treated with disrespect by other people as a matter of course, and that I don't need to either allow it, or to fly into a rage.
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It means that I care for myself, protect myself, believe in and trust myself, allow for all kinds of mistakes and misjudgments, forgive myself, cheer for myself, account for my actions, and love myself, and I also do these things for others in my life.
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It means that I am aware of my own DIGNITY, and aware of the DIGNITY of other people, those I know personally and those I don't. 

And I know the difference between DIGNITY and ego, control, and arrogance.
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It means I feel secure, and so do not feel the need to dominate others, dismiss or invalidate others, condescend to others, judge others, exclude others, slander others, hurt others, or try to control others.
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When my boundaries are healthy, hope and self-esteem are present as a matter of daily regular life. Shame, guilt, anxiety, regret, anger or depression are occasional visitors, but they don't stay.
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When my boundaries are healthy, "ego" does not take over, I don't feel like I need to prove myself to others, or show others that I'm good enough, tough enough, smart enough, or better than them. 

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When my boundaries are healthy, I don't feel like I need a "posse" or a "clique" to "back me up", and I don't feel compelled to try to create factions or spread negativity about others.

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When my boundaries are healthy, I don't need "us against them" to feel like I'm worthy or like I belong. I don't try to put other people or myself into groups and categories, and I don't waste my time or energy  judging others or seeking excuses to judge someone as "inferior" to myself.
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When my boundaries are healthy, I am not stuck; I feel truly free to be who I am, express myself without hostility, aggression, or ego, free to learn and improve myself, and free to respect, encourage, and care about others.
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"Boundaries" or "Our Personal Boundary" is much like the organ known as skin. We are born with it like we are born with skin. It is a barrier that when healthy is bouncy and semi-permeable, just like skin, but it's not visible to the eyes. Some compare it to what's known as the "Aura". When both our Boundary and our skin is healthy, we can feel things that bump into us, but most of those things don't cause serious injury or great pain; we can walk past and through various kinds of weather, terrain, people, animals, and even things and people that are unkind and unpleasant, and we can survive places and situations that are quite harsh.
When our boundary becomes weakened or injured, our ego tends to take over and do all kinds of things to "protect" us until our boundary heals again, much like we would go out of our way to protect a patch of skin that was injured from the outside world. Pricker bushes become like knives to unhealthy and raw skin, and immature words and behaviors become like serious attacks to weakened or injured boundaries. Healing from serious injury or illness is much slower and more painful with both weakened skin and weakened boundaries, so being serious about caring for them is of tantamount importance. 

Caring and healing our personal boundary or boundaries can be compared to healing other parts of our body, we need to learn, nourish, protect, and give it time and space. Skin won't heal by continually exposing it to harsh conditions, germs, burns, or injury, and the same is true with our personal boundary, which incorporates our mental, emotional, and spiritual health as well as our physical health.

Both our skin and our boundary need to heal so we can move about our world freely and confidently, and experience the pleasant feelings of hope, joy, and self-respect.

Who Do You Choose To Learn From

"Affirmations", these quotes that we share, were not usually spoken or written by someone who were fed candies by servants or fairies on the fluffy parlor settee all the days of their lives, and so know nothing of what they speak. If we choose only to listen to those whom we have already chosen to listen to, we will learn nothing that we don't already know.

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose, there are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

There is a great difference between listening to someone and becoming indoctrinated by them. Those with healthy boundaries can hear what anyone in the world has to say, respectfully, without following them or condemning them. 

Laughter Actually IS Good Medicine

Laughter is one of those things that a person who feels healthy and happy does often, and the same person will often do less and less when things are not going well. The irony is that laughter itself is part of keeping a person healthy.
When I don't feel well or am in a state of fatigue, I tend to NOT take the supplements or do the exercise or care for myself like I do when I'm feeling well. So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
So when I'm anxious or depressed because of something (or someone), I laugh less and less.
Also, when I'm around bullies and controllers, my tendency is to keep my laughter shut down in order to avoid their negative attention. Controllers don't like it when people laugh at anything outside of their control and approval, and they also tend not to like it when targets laugh out loud, because it's a confidence and even a dominance display (primates). (Further, a person with certain serious disorder might get triggered when a person around them laughs; it could mean something sinister to them.)
Also, maybe I'm working or learning something and am very focused for prolonged lengths of time. While this can be necessary and even a good thing, it can cause us to set aside our laughter.

So for many different reasons, I laugh less. The less I laugh, the less I laugh, and then I just don't laugh much at all. If it lasts a long enough time, laughter itself might become annoying to me. Other people laughing, comedies on TV or at the movies, quips and wit from people around me, they all become annoying, even anger-causing, and I don't even realize why. I USED to laugh a lot, I must have been immature at the time?... No, that's not it. I probably WAS immature, but that's not why I used to laugh so much and stopped later. And while there are a lot of people who "laugh" because of meanness, insecurity and bully issues they have, that's not the only kind of laughter there is, not by a long shot.
Laughter is like those vitamins that I forget to take when I need them most. I don't feel like taking them because I don't feel good. But when I don't feel good, that's when I need them most! My body needs those supplements, they're not "extra", above and beyond what my body needs. They're part of what keeps me  functioning and healthy.
Laughter is the same, it KEEPS me healthy, it's not just a RESULT of being healthy. I do forget this frequently when I'm fatigued or seriously stressed, just like I forget my vitamins. Then the cycle starts and I have to heal myself again enough to remember TO LAUGH because it's GOOD for me! :)

Feeling Like Life Sucks And There's No Way To Make It Better

Depression, anxiety, darkness, greyness, crappiness, dead-end job, no future, no life, etc.

People who grow up around abusive and Narcissistic people often end up feeling like "losers", or like life itself is just one big gerbil wheel with no real way off.

All of those feelings are just that; feelings, perception, outlook, and the more dismal the people around a person are, the more dismal the person probably going to feel.

Narcissists project things onto other people, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not, either way it's usually nerve-wracking and anxiety-producing.
 
A Narcissistic parent for example might project anxiety onto their child, they might project "inability to make good choices" onto their child, they often project a "everything is terrible" attitude onto their child, and living with them can be a daily stress, so much that one internalizes all this stress and just forgets that it's coming FROM outside one's self. Children (and adult children) are supposed to have family they can talk to and feel heard, supported, wanted and normal, but Narcissistic family members DON'T DO THIS. Everything is a judgment, a worry, a failure, it's all ruined, it's not good enough, you're not good enough, look what you DID, Oh my GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!! Children of Narcissists are often depressed and severely anxious, because that's what Narcissistic parents and other family members PUT ON THE CHILD, instead of "love, light, peace, and guidance". Instead of grounding a child for doing something wrong and keeping it enforced, the Narc. parent will shaaaaaame the child and make the child feel like they're no longer worthy of the "good people" in the family... Everything is emotional and dramatic, and wound up tight like a rubber band, all the time, and children internalize it, of course; children internalize what their parents and family members project onto them. They also internalize what the community projects onto them, so a person can have effects of Narc. abuse even if their parents and family were "healthy". Politicians do the same thing to get people to vote for them.
So, there are lots of people projecting "Ohhhh NOOO Everything is so bad" or "You're not good enough, and we're all losers" or "Only certain people can be happy, you have to be rich to be a good person and be happy, otherwise life is TOO HARD and AWFUL and you should be depressed and a workaholic, or you should drink beer every single day to COPE with the HARDSHIP of LIFE"
 onto kids and adults.

We each are living our OWN lives, if we want our life to be happy, we can STOP LISTENING to people who like misery and anxiety!

Get rid of extraneous baggage like other people's misery-mindedness, including one's own behaviors that aren't "above board", they cause STRESS to one's SELF.  The straighter we fly, the less baggage is weighing us down. It might take some effort and a little while to find one's path, but that's okay, you're not going anywhere. You're in this life and miserable, or you're in this same life and not so miserable, you have a lot more power over that than you might realize.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well", ~Julian of Norwich

Competition And Oppression Are Two Different Things

There is a very big difference between "competition" and "oppression".
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Oppressors will always say that what's happening is not oppression; one can not stop oppression by showing oppressors that what they're doing is wrong, or trying to convince them to look at and change what they're doing.
Only the oppressed, and also those who are not targets of oppressors, can or will change it. It is very rare for an oppressor to change.
(The latter group has the greatest ability and potential to affect change, but they are often oblivious, arrogant/callous, or hesitant or fearful to do anything that might draw the negative attention of oppressors.)
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Competition is like the four fingers on the hand, next to one another, each with its own strengths and weaknesses, competing for which can hit the keys of a piano the fastest. Whichever is fastest is fastest, and so gets chosen to play the fast parts. If another finger becomes faster than that one eventually, then the task/honor will go to that one.

Oppression is like the thumb, pressing down on the fingers from above. The fingers that are left free are the only ones that will be able to show how fast they can play. The others are being held down by the thumb, so even if they would have won, they can't win, because they were prevented from competing in the first place. Over time, the fingers that are free to play get faster and better at playing the piano keys because they are able to do it, to learn and practice, and the fingers that are being held down lose their strength and ability. Eventually, the thumb might let go, but by then there will be a visible and obvious difference between the ability of the fingers that were held down, and the ability of the fingers that were not held down. It will be "said" by the hand that the reason for the difference is simply because of "natural ability" and lack thereof.

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Competition is fair and healthy, where participants treat others with equal and neutral respect, and welcome anyone and everyone who wants to participate. Everyone treats everyone else with integrity, respect, and ethics. Personal preferences, jealousy, envy, disdain or ego do not sully or influence treatment of others; there are no factions, exclusions, or cliques; there are no personal vendettas, triangulations, or secret sabotages. Such as in a race, all are open and welcome to enter, none are turned away or treated like they aren't wanted, aren't liked, aren't capable, or aren't respected (treatment of others is NEUTRAL, in other words WITH common civility, and without dramatic positives, negatives, or ignoring). MATURE people compete fairly, honestly, and openly, without ill intent or hidden agenda.

Oppression is about preventing certain people from competing in the first place with all kinds of ploys:

~taking their resources and keeping them or giving them to others

~blocking their path in various ways,

~smearing them individually or as a group so other people will be unwelcoming and judgmental toward them automatically, so they'll receive unfair and prejudice treatment

~telling them it's not something they would like or want to do,
telling them it's too dangerous, telling them they're not capable

~filling them with anxiety about competing

~attacking them with social hostility (or direct threats) if they do enter the competition, treating them WITHOUT the same integrity, ethics, and manners that others are treated with (hoping it will make them quit).  (Hostile environments)

~gaslighting (trying to make them believe they aren't mentally stable or capable by doing things behind their back)

~Actual sabotage; destruction of their possessions, taking their possessions, giving their possessions away, taking away or preventing them from having tools of self-defense, causing them harm.

~Preventing them from learning and practicing in the first place so they won't have a chance to become proficient like others have, using various methods

~Lying about the reasons they can't or shouldn't learn, practice, or compete

Shame is the common first weapon of choice used to keep people from speaking, acting, or standing up about or against oppression and oppressors. Ironically, even members of an oppressed group will use shame to silence other group members.
A common behavior used against a person to prevent or stop them from speaking about or against unfairness, abuse, and oppression, and used as an excuse to cause them different kinds of harm is:
Implying or directly accusing that a person (and those like them) is/are unstable, unclean, physically weak and incapable, a liar,  corrupt, unworthy, less intelligent, illogical, unable to learn, uncaring, self-centered, has hidden agendas, has hidden secret power, should be feared.

Oppression can be seen in many, many seemingly "normal" areas in modern culture.

Oppression is almost always explained away, rationalized, and made excuses for as if whatever is going on is the "Natural Way Things Are".

Oppression is often done against entire groups of people, and the groups of people are usually categorized by physical traits.

Frequently, individuals from an "oppressed group" will get their identity turned around and actually assist in oppressing others from their own group. This gives them a feeling of freedom and some control and autonomy; they are usually unaware of their actions or motives.

Some members of an oppressed group may "fight back" by trying to "oppress the oppressors". History shows that there have always been "OPPRESSORS", and WHO is oppressing WHOM changes and flip flops like a grilled sandwich being flipped in a pan.

The motives behind oppression are supremacy, control, and entitlement.

CONTRARY to pop culture, there is not one group that is ALWAYS in the "oppressor" position, and another group that is ALWAYS in the "oppressed" position. INDIVIDUAL humans CHOOSE to oppress, and oppressors can be found in EVERY RACE, and both sexes, and often toward their OWN race or their OWN sex. Individuals of EVERY race and both sexes have at one time or another been oppressed by others throughout human history.

Small groups (like businesses, families, organizations, communities and schools) are often seen to oppress individuals within the group, based on all kind of excuses, but the real reasons behind it are consistent: desire for "superiority" over others, desire to take the resources of another, desire for popularity, control, credit, and power, desire for the feeling (neurochemical reward) of domination and/or supremacy, desire for acceptance by supposed superiors, desire for admiration and special treatment.

Oppression is alive and well, and happens to a lot more people, many more "kinds" of people, and in a lot more places than most people talk about.  Dismissing it as "silly" or "not real", or "not serious" is common, and helps to keep it going.



As a basic reference picture:
"Competition" is like a cook-off where everyone is welcome to participate, all are given the same ingredients, tools, time, and recipe; all of the kitchen areas are the same and in good working order. All have had the same time and space to practice and learn, and all have received the same encouragement and resources.
They are competing fairly, side by side, with their focus on their cooking and the prize.


"Oppression" is like a cook-off where it is advertised that everyone is welcome to participate, but really, only certain people have been given ALL of the required ingredients and proper tools. Some print-outs of the recipe were given with half the page missing, some stoves don't work properly, kitchen areas are all different, some are harder to get around in and have very little counter space, dull knives. Those running the contest treat certain people who show up with welcoming, happy, warm greetings and help them get ready, but others they treat with obvious disrespect, cold shoulders, and condescension. Only certain people have been given time, space, or tools to learn and practice, and only certain people have been given encouragement or coaching.




In the first fair contest, those running it and judging it are NEUTRAL, they are there to only put on the contest and make sure every contestant is treated fairly, in the SAME manner, with the SAME rules and the SAME tools, the same opportunities to learn and practice beforehand.


In the second unfair contest, those running it and judging it are NOT NEUTRAL; they DISCOURAGE some people from participating and ENCOURAGE other certain people. If they can get away with it, they will make the entry rules EXCLUSIVE, so only certain people can enter the cook-off at all, and others will be prevented from even entering. Anyone who gets in the contest who they don't like and don't want will not be given the same proper tools or ingredients as others. If those contestants manage to make what they were given work anyway, there will be more sabotage. The goal will be to prevent them from winning, and also from showing their ability at all, mainly so they don't gain respect from others. and of course so they don't get resources or win the prize.
Oppressors would feel that: better than sabotaging contestants in the cook-off is to prevent them from entering the cook-off in the first place.  
If they can convince the individual AND the people around them that they wouldn't be capable or worthy of cooking this "important" and "difficult" recipe, and that they aren't welcome or wanted in the cooking circles anyway, then they have met their goals. 

People tend to think of the extremes of Oppression, like threats, fists, whips, chains, weapons, and dungeons, but those are used when the oppressed group doesn't go along, or appears that they won't go along with the original attempts at oppression.  Those are used to make people go along with it, and provoke survival-fear in them. Oppression is much easier and less obvious when people are conditioned not to stand up for fairness because the "oppressor" is content in being in control. 

Why You Think You Can't Learn That (Before You Even Try)

Attaching importance, danger, and anxiety:

Making a big deal out of things is part and parcel to the human ego, so the bigger/more inflated/damaged the ego, the more the person will do it.
Because of this, younger people often get the impression from older people that many things are much, much more difficult to learn or to do than they really are; that certain kinds of people or certain individuals are much more "important" than others, and that methods, ideas, beliefs and stereotypes are absolutes that are engraved in stone. It can also cause dramatic envy issues, where people compete for "importance", attention, credit, and position.

On one hand, a young person can believe that something is too hard for them to learn how to do, or too scary or dangerous to even try. Many around them in such groups will encourage these beliefs, because it keeps that young person as a "less important" person, which means that other people are automatically"more important". On the other hand, another young person can make a goal out of "becoming" one of these "very important people" that do "very important" or "very difficult" things. So in the same family or community, one child may be afraid to even try to learn to play the piano because people are making it out to be such an extremely difficult skill for just an "average person" to learn, and another child will set out to become a Piano Player Person because of the same people painting Piano Players as "Smart/Very Talented/Important People". In the same group, another child will hide their piano-playing ability because people around the child project the assumption onto them that the child is ONLY playing the Piano to get attention and LOOK IMPORTANT.

So one kid is afraid to try to play Piano because people imply that it's so hard (too hard for "normal" people, or for that child), another child is doing it ONLY BECAUSE people imply that only smart or important people can play the Piano, and yet another child is hiding their ability to play because people accuse the child of only doing it to LOOK smart, cool, or important. So the child who ends up getting recognized for playing the piano out of the three of them is not the one with the natural ability, or the one who finds it fascinating, but the one who really is only doing it to get attention. And that's part of the cycle: that child will project his or her own motives onto others in the future, and assume that others with love for music or natural talent are actually only playing music to get attention (like he/she is). The child does not know that everyone's motive for playing music is not the same, and may not ever learn that. So, those who play music with that person in the future will find themselves in an ego/power struggle. If that person becomes a teacher, he or she will compete with his/her own students, and project his/her own motivations onto them. That means the student with a very high natural ability OR fascination for music will be treated by this teacher as if they have an inflated ego and are trying to steal the "spotlight". The student who has an interest in learning piano will need to overcome the projections and implications that it will be "too hard" for them to do; many people don't get over this hurdle. And even if they do get over it at first enough to learn how, they still will have to keep pushing past more projections (you're only doing it for attention/you're not that good/you're not important enough to be a REAL piano player/you think you're better than other people) as time goes on and their ability improves.
~
If one applies this template to other fields of work and study, one can start to unravel some of the dynamics within.
There are, for example, a lot of carpenters out there who don't actually enjoy woodworking or building, and many who aren't even good at it, but who are only doing it because they were led to believe that it's a "man's" job, and that if you do carpentry, it proves that you are a "man", or "clever", or "important", or "tough". Also because it's an easy way to make money if people believe you can do it.

There is a very big difference between a person who does carpentry because they are fascinated by it and talented at it, and a person who is really doing it because they want others to recognize them as "masculine", "capable", or "important", or just to make money. Like any other field or interest, the person who does it because they're genuinely "into" carpentry does not make a big deal out of how HARD it is or how DANGEROUS it is or how TOUGH a person has to be; they're not focused on OTHER PEOPLE (or their own image), they're focused on the CARPENTRY. But a person who is doing it to "prove" or "show" something is quite focused on other people. If they are trying to show that they're "Masculine" by being a carpenter, then they'll hate it when a woman shows up doing the same job. They may also hate it if a smaller man shows up, or a child, because it would wreck the image altogether of "I can do this because I'm so masculine". Turning carpentry into a BIG DEAL gives the impression that only PEOPLE who are a "Big Deal" would be able to do it. So anyone who's NOT doing it is not a "Big Deal" person, and wouldn't be able to do it even if they tried. A small man, woman, or younger person doing the same job messes that all up, so they are kept out of the field if at all possible by creating a "hostile environment".
ONLY IN DYSFUNCTIONAL GROUPS are "hostile environments" allowed to remain or flourish.

This is not a male-only phenomenon at all, but it does seem to be more prevalent in anything that people try to label as "male", from cooking on the grill to video games to Poker to comic books to Physics. In fact, it seems to work SO well that people will purposely label something "male" just to attach the image so females will hesitate to join or learn, mostly for worry of having to deal with a "hostile environment".
It of course works quite well the other way also; labeling something "female" will cause conditioned boys and men to avoid it so they don't get identified with it by their peers or by older males.

Making things a bigger deal than they are and attaching labels to them keeps people from learning how to do things, from doing certain things, from going out into the world, and from pursuing and expanding their interests. It's a very effective Control tactic.

Anti Authority Irony

Traits of Borderline Pers. Disorder that seemsto be very, very common among adults in this current cultural era, (with or without BPD diagnosis), are being hyper-defensive and automatically rebellious against anyone who seems to have even the slightest hint of "authority". Even an air of confidence from a peer can set off this "rebellion". Many who exhibit this trait seem appear to feel entitled and quite self-righteous in "knocking someone off their high horse".
The criteria used to discern whether a person is arrogant or vain is often extremely superficial and not evidence of anything untoward at all; sometimes even being construed completely reversed (a person who is genuinely humble and gracious may be misconstrued as the most arrogant and self-centered in the group).
For example the woman at work who sits quietly at her desk, who is not outspoken or boastful, is polite to everyone who speaks to her, and who is the sole caregiver for a disabled relative when she's not at work is perceived and painted as "that stuck-up lady".

Often, a person showing signs of confidence, conviction, knowledge, skill, experience, creativity, strength or happiness is construed as being "stuck up", arrogant, a know-it-all or a "show off". After such labels have been stamped on them, the labels serve as a justification to treat them with disrespect or even abuse.

This developmental stage can be seen in certain times during childhood development, when a young person is feeling insecure about their own worth, capability, and potential. When a person stays in this stage for any number of reasons, they can become an adult who continually seeks others who they think need to be "knocked down a few notches" or "put in their place", or "owned".

This feeling of a very high, almost magical ability to discern haughtiness and agenda in others is ironic.

When acted on, this can become behavior that can manifest as very unhealthy interactions with others, such as bullying or other forms of domination, slander, triangulation, gaslighting, even sabotage.

Western culture at large seems to show a significant increase in these traits in the adult population over the last couple of decades, and seems to be increasing instead of decreasing.

Assumptions People Make About Each Other

Some of the common (and very funny!) assumptions that people make about each other in many Western cultures, without actually finding out anything whatsoever about a person (we even do this a lot more than we realize with people we think we know, and people in our own families):

If their skills and/or experience DO or DO NOT include:

 care giving
 cooking
 child care
 parenting
 driving a standard (stick shift)
 driving a truck
 playing a musical instrument; reading music
 knowledge of certain musical genres
 math
 physics
 biological sciences
 gardening
 sewing, tailoring, design
 building
 carpentry
 landscaping
 wood working
 electricity/electrical theory/electrical wiring
 photography
 dance
 art
 stage and/or screen
 using "power tools" and equipment
 writing, poetry, songwriting, non-fiction, journalism
 plumbing
 auto repair
 auto design or restoration
 home repair
 electronics
 recording
 cleaning
 driving motor bikes
 psychology
 animal training
 animal science/research
 fashion/hair/makeup
 spirituality
 religion
 philosophy
 sports of various types and levels
 academics in various subjects and levels
 street ~
 survival in various forms
 thinking and learning for one's self
 ETC, ETC, ETC.

What are the one or two things about you (skill, experience, ability)  that you think everyone knows about you?
How would it feel if everyone kept treating you and talking to you like you had NO experience whatsoever in those things, and they just kept doing it because they say you just don't "look" like the "kind of person" who knows about those things?
Assumptions about (and projections on) other human beings are about as clever as a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

Addiction, Priorities, Self-Care and Narcissistic Abuse

Long story short:

One of the main things that happens to a target of abuse is that the person is "taught" or conditioned to put something else before their own self-care.
We are born with natural boundaries and automatic self-care and self-protection.
In other words, in our natural, healthy state, we protect and care for ourselves first, automatically.
Picture putting your hand in a jar of hornets; your instinct would be to NOT put your hand in.
Picture standing at the top of a sheer cliff, your instinct would be to keep yourself balanced and safely far enough away from the edge.
Those examples are extreme, however with abuse, those automatic instincts to self-protect are slowly reversed, kind of like turning a fleece-lined raincoat inside out. The protection against the weather is going the wrong way, it's like it's protecting the WEATHER from YOU, but you are not being protected from the weather~
(...don't ruin the metaphor with semantics about the raincoat still protecting you from the rain, technically... you get the idea, the rubber or plastic is not where it's supposed to be, doing what it's supposed to do).

With a dysfunctional, codependent or abusive situation
(it doesn't have to be purposely neglectful or abusive, it could be situational, like an ill family member, trauma, a death, or a divorce),
"conditioning" takes place; the target is slowly conditioned (or brainwashed if it's abuse) to lower their boundaries and put their own self-protection instincts LAST instead of FIRST. After a while, not only is the raincoat turned inside out, but it's taken off and hung up in the closet, or tossed on the floor. It's not gone completely; boundaries can be rebuilt and healed, they're as real as any other part of us albeit not visible. However, without a raincoat at all, the weather hits a person directly with no barrier in between, and the person has been conditioned to accept this as if it's the "right" thing to do. Without boundaries, others will encounter no resistance or rebellion when they invade a person's space (physical, mental, or emotional), and that's the reason for the conditioning.
Along with the lowering of the boundaries and putting one's needs LAST comes putting something else FIRST. The original intent for this would be for the target to put the needs, wants, and comfort of the controller/abuser before their own, no matter how trivial. However the effects of this are on the target, not the Controller, so that means "putting something else before my self-care, self-protection and needs" remains as a program in the target's subconscious, whether the abuser is present or not.
So apply that "program" to using substances or other things to deal with stress, anxiety, or depression. The FILTER for moderation or for the rejection of something being ingested, or for stopping before something has caused damage has been turned inside out, or discarded. So the body and mind don't automatically reject ingesting something or doing something polluting or destructive to one's self. The person puts the substance or the behavior AHEAD of their own self-care and self-protection, just like they put everything else before their own self-care and self-protection.
Even playing hooky from work or school, or being late falls under this "program". Keeping the job, doing it well, and keeping up one's work reputation IS "self-care" and "self-protection", as is doing well in school and maintaining good grades. So when we have that program running in our subconscious, when something falls under the category of being "good for me, my well-being, and my prosperity", it gets "rebelled against" automatically; that's part of the program. If it's something that's "not good for me", it gets put on the top of the to-do and the okay-to-do list.

It's much more like a program than a thought process, and it makes us run our priorities backwards. To de-program ourselves, it is very important to focus on healing ourselves and restoring our BOUNDARIES. Think of them as being very much like the organ known as skin (not spikes or brick walls), and you're halfway there.

Further, this "program" also includes our children and others close to us. If we have healthy boundaries and relationships, then our natural self-protection/self-care mechanism extends to those in our "personal circle", without being controlling toward those individuals. So we automatically protect and care for them as well. That's NOT the same as putting others ahead of our own self-care, that's PART of our self-care.
Remember the oxygen mask instructions on a plane: when they drop down from overhead, we put them on ourselves first and then on our children, loved one, or other persons nearby who need help. We put them on ourselves first AND we protect and help others, not "instead of" helping others.

In the oxygen mask scenario, this aforementioned "program", when it comes to our children, partner, and others, might look either like: We put the oxygen mask on THEM FIRST, no matter how long it takes, and risk letting ourselves pass out (then we can't help anyone at all),
OR it might look like: We help OTHER PEOPLE put their oxygen masks on first, BEFORE or INSTEAD OF putting ours on, or helping our loved ones put THEIR masks on. So not only are we putting someone else's needs before ourselves, we're putting someone else's needs before our LOVED ONES.

Again, that's that same "program", it just depends on how our subconscious is interpreting "Self"; including our loved ones, or not including our loved ones. So it really is an important and essential process to uninstall this destructive program from the subconscious. Not with shame, or self-flagellation, those things actually activate the program. It needs to be removed with the intention and goal of caring.

Locus Of Control

Mean People

Boundaries

Mr. Bennett

This is the weblog of a person I greatly admired, Mr. James E. Bennett.
He was a brilliant musician, writer, philosopher, artist, "thinker", philanthropist, and teacher, an avid Historian, a voracious reader with an unquenchable appetite for all things Science Fiction, and with a wonderful sense of humor to boot. You were loved very much, and you are missed, Mr. Bennett. 


http://hectorowen.blogspot.com/

Who Cares About Human Behavior!

There are as many reasons for seeking understanding as there are human beings on the Earth. The most important of these are one's own.

Strong Roots Make Strong Trees

It's the depth and quality of the soil that gives the trees a good place to grow. It's the sunlight, water, and nutrients in the soil that make the trees grow. It's protection from attack, drought, pollution and blight that allows the trees to grow strong and tall.
And it's the trees that create the forest.

The Big Picture doesn't exist without the smaller details. If someone is trying to plant you in shallow soil, don't let them. Find better land to root yourself in.

Funny Guy In The Group

Games People Play, vying for status and dominance
~
Why don't people like to talk about this stuff?
(Because it's embarrassing to find out that you've been taken for a ride...
because a lot of people feel like talking about human behavior is the same thing as getting blamed or accused...
and last but definitely not least, those who are magicians, cons, and manipulators don't want their tricks exposed.)
~
So how come when Scott tells a joke, any joke, everyone laughs and acts like he's so funny, but when Jeffrey tells the same joke, people ignore him, don't listen to him, or ridicule him?
If you ask anyone, they'll all say something like "Scott's just a funny guy!" or "Jeff's just not funny..." or "Scott has that way about him", or "Jeff's just doing it for attention..." Maybe they'll say it's "Chi"...

Here's the thing... it's not about SCOTT or JEFF, really, it's more about the people around them.
If you took Scott and put him in a different crowd of people, the chances of them laughing at his every joke go right down the tubes. Ask any professional comedian about it. The reason everyone in Scott's group is laughing at his every joke, but treating Jeff like he couldn't make a baby laugh if he tickled him, is because everyone in that group WANTS SCOTT to be the "funny guy" in that group. They DON'T WANT JEFF to be a "funny guy", because that would wreck the way the group is "set up".

Scott being the "funny guy" is part of the illusion of SOCIAL STATUS and Hierarchy in that particular group. It's a "position" that seems earned, and Scott has probably learned tricks and cues about making certain people laugh, but that's only half the picture.

In another group, JEFF is the "funny guy". They wouldn't even like Scott very much, never mind laugh at his jokes. The people in that group aren't stupid, or crazy, or ignorant, so what's the reason they make Jeff the "funny guy" in their group, but not Scott?

In the group that makes Scott the "funny guy", the REAL "leaders" inside of that group don't feel threatened by Scott. They don't MIND that he gets more laughs than they do, or that people like him, because it doesn't MESS UP the "Hierarchy" that they already have in place. Now if Scott was exactly the same but of a different race, or if he was a "SHE", or even if he had a different body type or height, the story would almost certainly play out differently. Scott FITS IN with the illusion of hierarchy that is already SET UP, his popularity does not change the hidden "power" positions of others. But Jeff does NOT fit into the current "hierarchy", so everyone is GUIDED AWAY from supporting and respecting him!
IN OTHER WORDS... the Controllers in the group are AFRAID that if people started liking JEFF, they would STOP liking THEM, or allowing them to have their control and hierarchy.

Over time, that same group stops treating Scott with the same approval and respect... did Scott change so much that now he doesn't "deserve" it anymore? Or could it be that someone in the group is jealous of him, or worried that he's not falling in line anymore with their ever present agendas? Did Scott do something "crazy" like stick up for someone else, or show that he's not really aligned with the whole "social hierarchy" thing?

The first thing to know about human group behavior is that you don't have to make EVERYONE laugh, or approve of you, support, respect, or like you; you only have to get the "Controllers" to accept and like you. Other people will FOLLOW THEIR LEAD. If the "Controllers" laugh, so will most of the others. JUST LIKE when one person points to the sky on a crowded street and everyone looks up. It goes from there; the other members in the group learn and follow along with "what the Controllers think is funny". Anyone who DOES NOT follow is just ignored and treated like they DON'T FIT IN, like they're "weird" or "uncool".

The underlying truth is, those in the group who have Control and Status Issues only "allow" certain people to be graced with positive attention, respect, and support. Those certain people don't threaten their ego or agenda, they fit in with the Control and Ego motivations of those people.
Sometimes a person is "allowed" to get positive attention (even a Leadership position) because they're just easier to manipulate, they make good chess pieces. The others in the group just go along with it, and don't really question or look at it in any depth.

It's because of the different status, power, and hierarchy agendas in each group, and WHO has ego and control issues, and how DEEP and FAR those issues and agendas go. Only certain KINDS of people, and certain individuals, are "allowed" to get positive attention and support in a given group. Others are "kept down" with all kinds of social signals, controls, blocks, and interactions.

With Scott and Jeff, everyone laughs when Scott jokes, which sends the message that "We Like Scott" "We Let Scott Be A Leader". Everyone NOT laughing at Jeff's jokes, and making critical or demeaning comments at him sends the message "We Don't Take Jeff Seriously", "We Don't Really Respect Or Support Jeff", "We Don't Allow Him To Be Important". All of that ALSO sends the message of: "You Have To Agree With Us If You Want To Be Part Of Our Group".
~
For Scott personally, that all translates to having more freedom of expression (people won't criticize him or shut him down, they're afraid of embarrassment or social consequences), freedom of movement, and more approval, support, and respect for OTHER things he does in his life
(as long as those things don't threaten the egos or agendas of the Controllers).

For Jeff personally, that all translates to having less freedom of expression within the group (people don't feel bad about criticizing him or shutting him down, it's already accepted that it's 'okay' to do that to him), less freedom of movement, and not JUST a lack of support for other things he does in his life, but an increase in disrespect, fault-finding, and even blocking or sabotage. People are not worried about consequences for treating Jeff poorly, and they don't see a REWARD for themselves for treating Jeff with common courtesy, support, or even fair respect.

This whole scenario can be applied to anything; who gets to be the "Artist" in a group, and who's artwork gets ignored, dismissed, or criticized~Who gets to be the "Cook" and who's cooking ability gets diminished and swept aside~ Who gets to be the "Wise One" and who gets treated with blatant disrespect~ Who gets support, praise, positive attention and "respect" for practically anything they say and do, and who gets treated like a fool, an ignorant, an incompetent, unstable, or a "born loser" no matter what they say or do?
It's all about control, ego, and agenda. In a stable, non-issued, agenda-free group or region, each person would get supported, socially respected, and treated with fairness and courtesy in whatever they're doing as a matter of general principle; there would be no "cherry picking" of human beings. 

Why do so few people seem to notice the disparity in the way one person is treated compared to another, and why do they FIGHT AGAINST looking at it objectively?

Anxiety in Dysfunctional Environments

Codependent and Narcissistic environments often find a person with seemingly free-floating negative feelings that don't appear to be attached to specific events. However, if one were to observe closely and objective, one would fine that specific events are quite present, just covered up, rationalized, or justified. A person in such an environment can find themselves with: 

~A pervasive feeling of doing something wrong or inadequate, no matter what one is doing or what's going on

~the feeling of being less capable of doing things or learning how to do things than others

~the feeling that others believe one to be incapable, weak, less intelligent, clumsy, or emotionally unstable

~a feeling of always waiting for the "other shoe to drop";anxiety about social or group situations

~feelings of dread about social, school, or work situations or other group situations 

~suspicion or knowledge that one is being gossiped about, triangulated against, sabotaged, slandered, or plotted against

~suspicion or awareness of disrespectful, cold, unfair, unethical, uncaring, or even cruel treatment from an individual, or others in a group

~the feeling that events, plans, and information are being hidden or lied about

~the feeling that others seem to "see" a person as very different from who or what one is really like

~pervasive, ongoing guilt and shame for not being able to make others completely happy, for not doing enough for them in daily regular life, for not being nice enough, available enough, generous enough no matter what one does, and even if others are able-bodied and not suffering from trauma or illness.

~feeling like a "lower-status" person in a group


~may try to dominate or scapegoat others in the group, or try to make them look or feel like they're "lower status" in order to remedy one's own feelings

~feeling frustrated like one is being blocked, ignored, and dismissed

~feeling like one is self-centered, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic when doing basic self-care, buying basic self-care products, maintaining or buying things that are considered "normal" in the society, or even buying or making food for one's self.

 ~feeling like one is self-centered, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic when making positive announcements about one's own self, aspirations, plans, and life, or when seeking sympathy, empathy, or help when needing anything or dealing with hardship

~feeling shame or guilt for other feelings such as sadness, frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, enthusiasm, happiness, joy, or excitement

~feeling shame, guilt, anxiety, even frustration, desperation, or depression around holidays and other celebrations; and when there is any scheduling issue regarding other people.

~feeling shame, guilt, or anxiety (sometimes even panic) whenever one is trying to get something specific done that is not FOR someone else.

~feeling like one is blamed too often, judged too harshly, treated unfairly, and uncared for by both individuals and the group in general.

~feeling like one is being watched and reported on



If these feelings seem familiar, look up "Invalidation", "Passive Aggressive", "Codependency" and "Narcissism". There is quite a lot of information available right on the Internet to help one learn about what they're dealing with, both with the other people around them, and with themselves.


A couple of recommended links:
Light's Blog
Redlight Runners Anonymous 
Passive Aggressive 

Being Human

Signs of a mature and secure Human Being:

~Straightforward and honest
~Supportive of the other people in their life
~Compassionate toward the other people in their life
~Respects themselves enough to be respectful toward others
~Recognizes and respects the boundaries and dignity of others, as well as their own.
~Has the emotional, mental, and physical health of others as a regular top priority, as well as their own.
~Protects the reputations of their partner, children, family and friends
~Is strong enough to mean what they say, and say what they mean
~Is secure enough to admit mistakes and to feel remorse for causing pain or problems
~Is strong enough to care about others as well as themselves
~Would step in front of a bus for their partner, children, family or friends, not throw them under one.
~Would rather choose to do what they know is "right" than betray someone for personal gain, comfort, or satisfaction.
~Does not try to manipulate others, control others, or fool others to get what they want and avoid consequences, and knows why those things are wrong.
~Makes genuine commitments willingly and openly.
~Doesn't ever fake commitments he or she is not serious or genuine about.
~Knows what "Tolerance", "Being Real", and "Peace, Love, and Understanding" really are.

~M. M. Black 2013

Paper Cup Telephone Lines

Remember paper cup telephones? They only work if the line is tight, and both ends are being held. In a relationship with a Narcissist, it's like a telephone game between two children where one is being the Commander who gives orders into their cup, and one is being the Private who holds their cup to their ear and listens, and takes orders. No questions asked. Or the Boss and the Assistant, or the Royal and the Servant. One person talks, gives instruction and orders, and the other listens and does what he/she is told; that's the game, if you don't play "right" you're messing it up. Communication only goes one way, but both ends are being held.
~
Imagine what it's like to be the one giving the "commands".
~
Imagine if you had a string or a wire attached directly from you to the other person in your life. A "direct line" from them to you, That is how you like your life to be, that's what feels normal and right to you. A direct line from you to the other person, all the time; so when you pull on the string or send a message over the wire, the person on the other end feels or hears it immediately and responds right away. You know they feel the string pull or hear the message because it's a direct line, and you know they're holding it because the string is tight.

Now, picture having that same kind of direct line to more than one person, in fact every person in your life who's anything more than a distant acquaintance. If you feel that they're a personal connection, then you string the direct line.

Those who are closer to you have shorter, tighter lines, and you fully expect them to respond immediately whenever you give the slightest pull on their string. In fact, you expect them to be considerate enough to watch for you to get ready to pull the string or send a message on the wire; you think this would be the polite thing to do, for them to be vigilant of your needs so you don't HAVE TO pull the string or send a message at all.  
~
Having a direct string or wire to each person means that everyone needs to be careful of tangling the strings, or and careful of stepping back and pulling them from your skin. It would hurt if they pulled them, and if they got tangled it would create a mess. If they pulled them out then they wouldn't be attached to you, and therefore wouldn't know when you wanted them.
So, everyone has to make sure they remain orderly and in place, so as not to mess up the lines that are attached to YOU.
~
The lines cannot be crossed because it could create interference, which means your communications could get interrupted or lost. Nor may people attach lines from one to another, because if you summon one of them, they might be busy  tending to someone ELSE and won't be able to respond quickly enough.

It doesn't matter how many people you have direct connections to, every one of them is important; if you need a certain thing from a specific person, they MUST be available because only that person can fulfill that particular need. Besides, it's important to have as much back-up as possible.
~
 All of the lines only go one way. If you pull on them, they come to you. If someone else pulls on the line, you may answer, but you are not going to move to fulfill their request or their need; these are one-way only.
Like a light bulb with a pull-string: you pull the string, the light goes on. You pull it again, it goes off. The light bulb does not pull the string to make you do anything.
The only exception to this rule is if one of the lines would be pulled out or lost if you didn't do something to help the person (like when a light bulb needs to be changed because it's burned out). Then you might do something because if you don't, you'll risk losing that line, and possibly a couple of other lines as well. You don't want to lose any of them unless they don't "work" at all anymore.
~

There is one or two people whom you have a two-way line with; when they pull on the line, you feel it and immediately jump to ask them what they need. It annoys you very much, even enrages you at times that they have the nerve to do this and expect you to jump for them. In retaliation, you pull on the line right back. They jump when you pull it, and they get angry also. So they pull the line and you jump, and you pull the line and they jump, and you both become angrier and angrier. You threaten to "pull out the line altogether" and so do they, but neither one of you does, because neither one of you wants to give up even ONE of your lines. You are also both afraid that if they pull out their line, it will mess up all the rest of the lines attached to all the other people.  You don't want anyone to see someone pulling out a line, they might get ideas...







~
Telephone Line
M.M. Black