Competition For Approval And Status

It's common for people within a group to compete for the approval and attention of the "Leader" in that group. The more dysfunction and less maturity is present throughout the group, the more they tend to compete for the Leader's approval and acceptance.

In groups where Leaders are Controllers and Narcissists, the competition can turn from immature to very damaging, and often tears the groups so deeply that the group may simply dissolve and fall apart, even become bitter "enemies".

Narcissists, whether they are members of a group or a leader of a group, often create factions and play favorites, casting shame and blame on certain members in the group and giving extra credit and resources to others. They may play each member differently in private than in public, and often keep "secret connections" and give "secret favors". They may imply negative things about other members, planting seeds of competition and fear of rejection and disapproval.

Members of the group start to play into these manipulative games instead of recognizing them and shutting them down, and go right along with the faction and clique creating. Soon more members of the group are competing to be seen and known as "important", "good", and "above reproach", in order to maintain their membership within the group and not get cast into the group that's labeled "rejected" or "unwanted". They will start throwing other members "under the bus" in order to make themselves appear to "better", and therefore "accepted". This of course leads to more and more competition, self-righteousness, and defensiveness, which leads to hostility, which leads straight to aggression, both offensive and defensive.

(Any human group, from small to country-sized: family, friends, business, organization, religious group, political party group, community, tribe, nation, etc.)



Both male and female humans, in general, are very prone to domination displays, faction-making, clique behavior and aggressive "warmongering",  in the absence of a large enough ratio of emotionally and mentally mature individuals. The "cure" is an infusion of mature, graceful, peaceful, and fair leadership, both in actual "Leadership" positions, AND throughout the rest of the group. A mature group is aware that ALL members are in "leadership" positions to other members, and all members treat one another with genuine respect and consideration. Immature behavior such as favoritism and unfair advantage and oppression against certain group members is not tolerated because it's simply not good for the group's health, nor for the health of all individuals in the group. (In other words, the school budget is the same for both girls and boys; cliques and factions are dispersed, not rewarded; coaches and instructors are actually adults and therefore don't use female labels as derogatory insults ("you throw like a girl" isn't in the vocabulary), racism and sexism are NOT taught, "gender roles" are not forced or shamed onto people, and "hostile environments" are not only not tolerated, they're not WANTED.

The majority of children who grow up in a healthy environment don't WANT to create hostile environments or exclusionary cliques; they want to follow and learn from their role models (which includes every person who's older than they are, but especially adults in "leadership" positions in their lives). Children become confused and anxious when they see adults disrespecting and belittling other adults, but they thrive when the adults around them are happily supportive and respectful toward one another. The adults around them GOT that way because of how THEY grew up, the way the adults were around them when they were children. It's cause and effect, and it's a well-known and very obvious and easy concept to understand.

Your Negativity Drags Me Down...

Narcissists presume themselves to be the ones who are innocent of any wrongdoing or lack, and identify themselves as the beleaguered, burdened ones who are having to deal with the negativity of others, being "dragged down" by the whining and self-pity of other people.
At no time do they consider that they have done anything, ever, to contribute to the plight, "attitude", or "negativity" of another person. It's always the other person's "fault".

The average narcissistic person is absorbed in protecting and shining their own image and ego, and protecting their status within the groups that they're a part of, or wish to be a part of. When another member of the group "falls down" for any reason, that person can STAY down as far as the narcissist is concerned, because that means that person is now lower in "status", which means the narcissist is automatically now higher than them. The fact that the hierarchy and status is real ONLY to those who buy into it does not cross their minds. 

So, when another member of the group "falls down" for any reason at all, *(including illness, injury, loss, tragedy, trauma from attack or abuse, and problems caused by attack, abuse, slander or sabotage), the narcissistic people in the group will not only deny that they had anything to do with it to protect their own skin, but they will also point the finger at the person who has fallen down (or was pushed), casting blame on them.

The blame casting is simply to CREATE an excuse for not helping the person BACK UP. Most of the narcissists in the group want the person to stay "down", they don't want them to recover and get back up, and again be a "competitor" for status and resources.

The narcissist lives inside of competition; they see everything a a competition, and they FEAR "losing". They tend to see everything as "win or lose", which is part of the "black and white" perception pattern. They do not comprehend "big picture" concepts because they can't SEE them.
"United we stand divided we fall" is confusing to them, because they don't understand why they would use their own resources, energy, or time to be supportive of someone else, unless supporting that person meant a "gain" for themselves.
"A rising tide lifts all ships" is a foreign concept.
"To give is to receive" is taken in a literal, material way; more like "if I give to someone, they should give something back to me."
They can't understand what "All for one and one for all" means, except if the "one" is themselves or a favored person.

Basically, the average narcissist's main focus is his or her own "status" in whatever group they are in, because it means more control, more power over others, more positive attention, more credit, and more access to resources. So anyone who does not buy into either their "high status", or the whole hierarchy illusion, is a threat, and anyone who they feel challenged by, intimidated by, or envious of in any way is a threat. So when another member of the group "falls down", ESPECIALLY if they were in any way a threat in the narcissists' mind, they will NOT help them, and they will probably contribute to keeping them down.

If they were among those who knocked them down in the first place, the odds are high that they will try hard to keep them down. 

~(Sociopaths may only care about their "status" because they ARE aware of the hierarchy illusion, and they know that maintaining an image of "high status" means they can make a lot more headway in any CON game they're playing. They will go along with, and even encourage, the shared fantasy. They can be very adept at knocking others down and keeping them down, because they know the game from an intellectual point of view; they're "playing" it. However, most average narcissists actually believe that the hierarchy is a real thing, and are actually trying to maintain or raise their "status" because they believe it's part of reality.) (Which accounts for much of their  behavior as they grow older, that another person would have matured out of.) 

Tough Guy, or Fitting In?

Acting like a "tough person",  or a "self-righteous person" is a behavior that human beings adapt when they're in an unsafe atmosphere, surrounded by hostile people.
Most other animals do the same thing; when they feel threatened, they puff up their bodies, stomp the ground, make noise, change colors, and excrete poison or venom; it's to frighten who or whatever is threatening to them, and appear dominant.

After enough time has passed, a person can internalize this behavior and convince themselves it's part of their real personality, as if that's how they were born. However countless studies and observations over many cultures show that human beings tend to adapt to their environment, whether it's GOOD for them or NOT.

The subconscious human mind takes on the general traits of the people around them in order to fit in, so they don't get "shunned" and have to survive on their own. The more hostile the environment, the more aggressive the person becomes in order to appear "tough enough", like the others. It's like everyone has to wear the same armor in order to fit in with their group; those who are wearing a different color, or no armor, get shunned.

"Acting tough" has nothing to do with the natural, organic environment one lives and works in; it's the human interaction that one has to deal with every day that influences a person to change themselves into "one of the tough people" or "one of the righteous people".

When we fit in, we don't get singled out.

Most people don't even know they're doing it, because it's a subconscious process. But the proof is in the pudding. It's the same process from which regional accents and dialects come from. People from the same region even "like" the same food and wear similar clothes. (We think we're being unique when we buy a different brand of blue jeans, or a different kind of flannel shirt, or slightly different boots.)

It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it can help a person have a better life if they become aware of it.

When We Leave: Loss Of Identity, Changes of Identity And Social Status

A seldom mentioned loss that one suffers from any kind of Narcissistic abuse can be hard for anyone to embrace or even admit, and that is the loss of the security of social status that relationships (including and especially family) bring. We are humans, and we do live in "society", whether we really believe and go along with the societal rituals and shows of "status" or not. Our identity, our feeling of who we are, takes a serious hit when we sever or lose a relationship.

When we sever a tie, we are suffering a loss, not only of the person, but of our feeling of identity that went with that relationship. We are not just "Me", but we are "John Anderson's daughter", or "Mary Johnson's brother", or "One of the Sanderson clan". We belong to a group, or a partnership, when we are in any kind of relationship. We are a member of that group.
Of course people who feel that they are "lone wolves" will dispute that all day long, but it won't change the fact that they are actually human beings who's identity IS connected to the people in their family and relationships.

Only severe Narcissists and other seriously mentally ill people don't connect their identity with their family, their relationships,  where they grew up, where they live, the people in their community, their school, and their workplace (even if it's crappy). It's part and parcel to our psyche, it's supposed to be like that, it's not being some kind of "sheep", and it's not the same as following the herd. Some people and things we identify ourselves deeply with, and some not as much, but it's a normal human process.

Narcissistic abuse causes this natural identity feeling to become jumbled, confused, and backward. We're supposed to feel proud and happy to identify as belonging to our group or partnership, but when we're abused or rejected, how does that work? It doesn't. But we still need and want our identity to stay intact, like any healthy normal human. So we may end up turning our relationship identity upside down and inside out, trying to hold on to it while defending ourselves from it at the same time. We now belong to, are a part of, a member of, an abusive "group" of humans (whether it's just one other person or several), and we see ourselves as being ONE OF THEM. So in order to heal, we need to heal that identity issue, which can be really confusing.

Along with that, we know instinctively that other people DO group other people together and identify them together. So if we talk about how our group is abusive, then the odds are high that we'll be lumped together with them. We also probably don't WANT others to see our entire group in a negative light, so then we have to figure out a way to talk about what we've been through and get support without turning a negative light on everyone.

Further, even if we really don't care about how people see them, we're still aware that people will see US in a different light, whether we tell them what happened or not. People tend to treat others with higher respect and acceptance when they're a member of a couple, a family, or another group. Everyone instinctively knows this, that's why clubs exist, everything from religious groups to gangs; if you're a "member" of something, people tend to treat you more like you're a "real" person. 

When we sever a romantic relationship or marriage, we are actually changing our "identity", not only to others, but to ourselves as well. And when our social identity changes, we feel different, and others tend to treat us differently. We're not "Kim and Steve" anymore, we're just "Kim". Or we're just "Steve".

Even when we let go of platonic friends, we're not part of the "pack" or "like sisters" or "like brothers" anymore, we're changing that part of ourselves and our lives.

When we are ostracized due to abuse from our families, or when we purposely cut cords, we are again changing our identity, and changing our social status.

When we leave our marriage and we have children, that might be one of the biggest blows of all to our identity, because we know it will change our children's identity as well. Even if we know we HAVE TO do it, it still can feel like a serious loss, and can be akin to the loss we feel due to the death of someone in our lives.

The mental somersaults we go through can be traumatizing all by themselves, and so we may try desperately to avoid dealing with this kind of loss, after all, we're probably already trying to deal with all the other things we've been through. However realizing this can speed up recovery and help us get over some obstacles and hurtles that we didn't know we were stuck on, or why.

How We See Others

We tend to see others how we see them, from our own imagination, not how they really are.

We tend to fixate on certain markers that are familiar to us from our own lives and past, and then create an image around the person based on those markers.

We tend to quite literally miss huge amounts of information about the real person, even if they are our own child, our own parent, our own family member, or our close friend.

For example, we may know a person who is actually a very orderly person and very much likes order, but when we met them, they were overwhelmed by something in their lives, and appeared "scattered". So we fixate on that "scattered" marker, and build an image of them around that. THEN, as time goes by, we don't see that they aren't really a "scattered" person, that we just LIKED that marker because it made us feel more organized in comparison, and maybe it seemed endearing. Or maybe we like feeling like we're better than someone else. Either way, we keep seeing them as a "scattered person", and therefore keep treating them as if that's what they are, like it's carved into their skull, because WE like it, not because it's who they are.

The more we treat them that way, the more likely they're going to get sick of the way we treat them and become distant and unavailable. If they're our child, partner, or other very close person, we can actually cause them emotional/mental pain and damage from treating them as if they're something they're not, which will impact the bigger picture of their life. 

We can also fixate on a marker that we see as very positive, and we often do. We build an image of that person around that positive marker, and then we don't see them for who or what they really are. The image we build becomes like a painted picture that lays over them like a blanket.

Nearly all human beings do this, especially before we are aware of the process. It's just the brain's way of making shortcuts and "easy buttons" for the things and people in our world. Becoming aware of this process means we can appreciate others for who they really are.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, CPTSD

"...I think that the healing professions in general are remiss in not considering in every case that presents signs of depression, low self esteem and hopelessness that CPTSD should be considered not as a diagnosis, but as a path towards cure and away from the abuse. When the victim of CPTSD is counseled to seek a path of survivorship, like classic PTSD, the cure for the curable makes a lot more sense then trying to treat the little Hitler’s of the world..."

Amen, to that.
Excerpt from a reply-comment by Steve B., on an excellent (imo) post on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome by  Mary Jo Fay
(RN, MSN, a national speaker, author, columnist and survivor of several narcissistic relationships. Her new book, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong - Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life" is available at http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com) < I haven't read it yet, but I agree with much of her writing that I have read.

CPTSD is "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Like Playing Ball (With A Narcissist)

Being in a 'relationship' with a Narcissistic person is a lot like trying to play ball with one.

You throw the ball, they catch it, but they drop it on the ground instead of throwing it back to you.

You throw the ball, they catch it, but they throw it to someone else instead of throwing it back to you.

They encourage you to "go for it" and "be confident" in yourself, but when you do, they're attacking and criticizing you, saying you don't know what you're doing, and you don't "have the credentials".

They don't pay attention to your existence, or anything about you until they realize you've stopped throwing the ball, then they get mad at you.

You throw the ball... they catch it, and then criticize your throw, or give you "advice" that you didn't ask for.

You throw the ball, they catch it, and they WHIP IT at your head.

You throw the ball... they walk away and start talking to someone else.

They whip the ball at you, it gives you a concussion, and they accuse you of "making it all up to get attention".

You throw the ball, they make fun of the way you throw with their "buds"; they say they're "just joking".

You return the same favor and make fun of the way they throw with your "buds", and they have a tantrum and go home.

You throw the ball, they catch it, and then throw it as hard as they can over your head so you have to run after it.

You throw the ball... they catch it, and then throw it as hard as they can to get attention and applause from whoever is watching.

They ask you to play ball with them, and then accuse you of begging to play ball with them all the time.

They ask you to play ball with them, and then make fun or your race or your sex every time you throw or catch imperfectly, claiming that theirs is naturally superior.

They ask you to play ball with them, but when you get there, they're already playing with someone else... and they act like you invited yourself inappropriately, and aren't welcome.

They ask you to play ball, but they don't show up, and then don't answer their phone.

They throw the ball when you're not looking and then criticize you for being lazy or too slow.

They ask you to play ball, but when you show up, they change the plans, change the rules, and argue every thing you say or do.

They ask you to play ball, but every time you go to throw it, they walk over to you and "correct your stance".

They ask you to play ball, but they don't tell you that you'll have to provide all of the supplies, and you have to give them a ride to the field.

When you ask THEM to play ball, they say no. Or, they say "yes", but then say "no" at the last minute.

They slowly convince you over time that they're the only one who likes you enough to play ball with you, because you're such a loser, a crappy player, a spoil sport, or a whiner.

They tell you they can't play ball today because they have to do laundry or work, but when you go to the field, they're already there playing with someone else.

They ask you to throw the ball to them over and over so they can practice hitting and catching, but when it's your turn, they "have to go home" or they're "too tired". Next time, same thing. And so on.

They blame you for the ball getting dirt on it.


They throw your ball and glove away.

They steal your ball and glove.

They keep losing their own ball and glove, and DEMAND that you replace it.

They "punish" or retaliate against you whenever you have something else to do, even though you've played ball with them 15 days in a row.

They judge you, or get mad at you, if you don't have a ball or glove .

They BEG you to play ball again, but every time you agree, they do all the same things they did before.

Everything they do is about themselves.
They CAN'T just "play ball".
They can't just DO anything without making it about themselves, or getting some kind of fix of control or superiority where someone else gets treated with disrespect and ridiculous unfairness.

They have to somehow make it into a dramatic display that has nothing to do with actually playing ball. 

"Those who don't have any balls of their own need someone to throw them some." ~Anonymous

Attention and Praise Seeking Narcissism

For some Narcissists, their "supply" is just attention, perhaps praise, and possibly affection and comfort. They might actually be simply still trying to get acknowledgement from a parent who was cold or abusive to them. When that very basic, very important need was not fulfilled during childhood, either by the parent or by someone else, a person can become fixated on "filling the hole", and seek out people who might fill it.
They probably aren't paying attention or respect to their "supplier", because they don't see the other person really as a "peer", they're trying to just get them to give them the attention. That's all they really want, to RECEIVE attention, praise, and often affection.

FLAGS may include:
Making announcements about themselves, but not responding to things you say either in speech or in messages.

Fidgeting and apparently feeling uncomfortable when you're talking about yourself.

Looking around the room when you're talking instead of at you, walking away, doing other things,

Not acknowledging either that you spoke or messaged, or what you said, as if you didn't say anything at all.

Not remembering much if anything about you, or things you've said.

Not remembering your experience, skill, knowledge, capability.

Not seeming to remember what you do or have done for work, education, or interests (and they're supposed to be a close friend, partner, or close family member.)

Explaining things to YOU that you've explained to them, especially if it was more than once, and especially if it's directly related to your main focus of work, study, or interest. Or explaining rudimentary things about a field that they should be aware that you are well-versed or experienced in. (Like explaining how casts are made to an orthopedic doctor or student, explaining what acrylic paint is to an artist, or explaining why child advocacy is so important to a child advocate.)

Explaining things to you that you've said or done, because they heard someone else say them (someone "important"... i.e. male, famous, or in a position of authority), so now it's "true" or "real". Apparently when you said or did it, it wasn't important or real, because it was "just you" who said or did it.

Not making plans with you till the last minute.

Expecting you to make more of an effort than they do, overall.

Refusing to do activities with you that they didn't think of. Veiling it as "compromise", but it's really just refusal and control.

Not standing up for you when others disrespect you. Not wanting to 'hear it' when you're upset about being disrespected, or about anything else, really.
(They aren't actually IN the relationship with you, they just want attention FROM you, so they have no feeling of protection or loyalty toward you, or empathy.)

Seeking attention and praise from other supply people as well, and when they find another attractive source (whether it's a sexual attraction or not at all), they suddenly aren't around; they don't need your supply at the moment, they have another one. And they probably don't invite you, because again, you're not actually "IN" a relationship with them, you're a source. 

~

Like a child with a parent, it doesn't occur to them to reciprocate. Children don't return the same kind of care, praise, validation, and attention to their parents until they're much older. So while they're playing the part of the child seeking attention, recognition and praise, they're doing all kinds of things and making announcements about their lives, both good and negative, in order to RECEIVE reactions and attention. But they aren't making any effort to GIVE the same kind of attention, care, or effort TO the person they have cast in playing the parent role.

Occasionally it might occur to them to make a show of paying attention, giving credit, praise, or making an effort, but it's usually because they suddenly realized that the person in the parent role is slipping away, losing interest, getting fatigued by the one-way relationship.

This kind of Narcissism can be non-malignant; it can even be a relatively safe relationship in certain cases (their other behaviors would show whether it was dangerous). But it will never be a mutually beneficial relationship, a HEALTHY one. It can be absolutely exhausting, spiritually depleting, and mentally confusing. The only way it will change is if the person with the N. traits realizes what they're doing, and makes a concerted, long-term effort for recovery, which includes making serious effort, no matter how difficult it seems at first, to GIVE the attention, respect, and support that they're trying to GET. 

Some individuals simply don't have the capacity to see it, or to do this. If one is aware of the other person's N. traits, then one can make informed decisions and plans about how much time to spend with the person, and how to interact with them, without expectations of a genuine two-way connection. More like a caregiver/client relationship than what the relationship is 'supposed to be'. One's boundaries need to be healthy for this to work, otherwise it's easy to get caught up again, and forget the nature of the relationship.  
(Intimacy with such a person is probably not a good idea, for the sake of one's emotional health and quality of life.)

The person who is being cast in the "parent" role can become so depleted that they fall ill, and then may begin to break down, especially if they don't become aware of what's happening soon enough. Even without "abuse" going on, or intentional emotional assault.
(Actual abuse may or may not occur in such 'relationships'; if and when t does, it's often due to Narc. Injury when the "parent role" person either brings up the disparity, or stops giving in to the one-way-flow of attention and effort.)

Caregiver As IDENTITY: Caregiving, Leading, Codependency and Narcissism

When Codependency turns into Narcissistic control, it's often because the person has taken on the IDENTITY of "The Caregiver" and the "One Who Knows Best". It often occurs in those who were forced to take care of others when they were children themselves, and it also occurs often in those who were raised by a person with this issue; they learn to model the behavior because their role models do it, and no one teaches them otherwise. There is little or no awareness of the dignity and autonomy of others. There is little or no respect for another's right to choose for themselves, for the intelligence of others, or for the CAPABILITY of others. There is little or no respect for DIFFERENCES in others from one's self.
This becomes Narcissism because "Caregiving" is about ONE'S SELF, it is NOT about the person who is being "cared for" or "lead". Their well-being is not the real focus, it's the excuse for the behavior. The Controller wants to be SEEN and KNOWN AS "A Benevolent Caregiver", a "Wise Advisor", a "Benevolent Healer", or as a "Strong, Good Leader". That's what's important to them, so if and when someone either "fails" to recognize their "Leadership" or "Wisdom", or if and when someone refuses to follow them, they suffer Narcissistic Injury, and become infuriated.

From the Codependent Controller's Point Of View:

"Follow my advice, my guidance, and my planning, accept my 'constructive criticism' and my management over you, and further, make sure you show gratitude for all of it, OR ELSE!"
~Because, after all, it's all about how much I care about you...
---
"If you don't completely accept my management and "leadership" over you, if you resist or protest in the least, then I will be deeply offended, and feel rejected, and therefore will feel entitled to retaliate against you. I'll probably insult you immediately, try to humiliate you, and then accuse you of being stubborn, rebellious, lazy, or hostile. If you protest against that, I may fly into a rage, I may become ill, I may become extremely upset and lock myself in my room. I will probably threaten you with all manner of things, from punishments to assault to destroying your reputation, to abandonment, to discarding and ostracism. I might spread terrible rumors about you to anyone who will listen in order to gain sympathy from them, and turn them against you.
```
"If you ever try to do anything that seems like "initiative",  "leadership", or "autonomy", I will become annoyed or even angry, and will try to shut you down. I will either dismiss you and whatever you're doing, or I will criticize and counter you. I may sabotage you in various ways, or I might slander you to get others to help me work against you. 
~~~
"If you ever do something that would make people listen to you, recognize you, admire you, or like you, then they might not hold me in such high esteem anymore, or give me all of the positive attention and credit. So I will continuously work on convincing you that you are not capable or able to learn, or likeable.

"At the same time I will project an image to others that makes me look wonderful, responsible, and worthy, and makes you look lazy, unstable, self-centered, and a burden on me. But I will do it in a way that sounds like I CARE about you. That is essential to my identity as a "Caregiver" and a "Leader".
~
"The only person that might notice what's going on will be you, because I'll have everyone else smoked and mirrored. But I don't know any other way to get other people's approval and acceptance, and I need that desperately; without it I feel completely worthless and alone.
But I would never tell anyone that, because I'm afraid that it would make me look weak, and then I might get bullied.
(That's actually accurate, bullies attack "vulnerability"; the person probably learned that the hard way, but did not receive guidance in dealing with bullies in a way that's healthy for themselves.)
~
"The only way I will allow you to receive any help, assistance, or care from me, even if you're my child, even if you're my partner, even if you're my "friend", even if you are paying me, is if you allow me to have control over you, and allow me to be The One Who Leads And Advises. You must obey my every command and accept my every advisement, no matter how small or large. AND you must give me large amounts of credit and gratitude for everything I do 'for' you, regardless of whether you wanted it or not, requested it or not, and EVEN IF it was DETRIMENTAL to your life or health."
~
"Never, EVER, resist me, protest against me, question me, doubt me, argue with me, or refuse to accept my advice, criticism, management, or control. Or there WILL BE consequences."
~
~
This Codependency Narcissism behavior is COMMON in dysfunctional societies where adults refuse to COOPERATE and assist respectfully with other adults in raising children; and especially where children are forced to care for other children or for the adults in the household. And also when children were raised by parents who had been forced to be a caregiver to others when they were children.

"Caregiver" as IDENTITY instead of as an action. They're not "giving care", they're BEING "A Caregiver" or "THE Caregiver". Or BEING "The Leader", not actually doing the act of "leading".
Both leading and caregiving absolutely require humility, and respect for those who are being "cared for" or "lead".










M. Black 2013

Charging A Price For Human Connection: Narcissistic Abuse

We humans need connection with other people, it's really how we're made. That's what we are getting and seeking from relationships with those who are abusive toward us. Plants need sunlight (so do we), and social animals, which we are, need connection with their kind. In a real way, not a theoretical way. It's been proven in many studies over many years that we actually DO need it, we aren't just being "dependent" or "babyish", it's a "natural thing".

What happens with abusers, basically, is that they con a person into trusting them to connect with them. Then, when we make the connection and solidify it, when we believe and feel the connection, the Narcissist starts exacting a "price" for this connection.

As time goes by, while the connection grows more and more solid, like it would in a normal human connection, the "price" slowly grows steeper.

When the abuser feels confident that we are firmly connected to them, that we feel like they're plugged in together with us, they stop being cautious and become more and more demanding of their "price". The more they take, the less we have to give, and the less we have for ourselves. They tap into a target's energy and draw it out as if through a straw.

Abusers don't know how to have real connections that produce energy and growth. So they try to just TAKE what they want from a target. Some of them are fully aware of what they're doing, some aren't, so their reactions can vary widely when someone confronts them about it or tries to disconnect. Mostly they'll get upset and angry, even fly into a rage; sometimes they'll immediately just turn it around and accuse the target of being the one who was sucking their energy and resources dry, and act offended and "used and abused" to give themselves some kind of launch pad to run away (and feign innocence).

(If the target is a child, then conning is not necessary, they're a captive supply, and need the connection to survive so they'll gladly pay the price, they don't even know yet that it's not supposed to come with a price.)

Proving My ~~~ Hood

You really have to wonder about cultures that tell children they need to act a certain way and do certain things in order to BECOME the sex they already ARE.

What happens if they don't do those things, do their sex organs get sucked up into their bodies at the age of 21?

I don't thiiiink sooooo....

How about let's teach kids how to discern right from wrong, and treat others with civility and good will, regardless of their sex? Let's let them actually learn about what they're interested in, instead of dictating to them what they're ALLOWED to learn about and NOT ALLOWED to learn about, just because they were born male or female?

That would be too hard, wouldn't it...
we can only be happy if we have other people under our proverbial thumbs, huh?
So we can prove that we have thumbs?
Sorry, I forgot...

Political Correctness Sucks BECAUSE...

Political Correctness Sucks BECAUSE...

Because most people can't handle it.
Most people don't get it, they don't even know what it is, or why it got started in the first place.

And when I say "most people", I MEAN "most people", not just certain people.

It didn't start to become a weapon to use AGAINST people

It wasn't intended to become a shield for anyone with deviant or ridiculously immoral, abusive, or psychotic behavior.

It sure as shoe polish wasn't started as a POLITICAL TACTIC.

But since MOST PEOPLE have such a hard time NOT twisting everything to use for their own personal agenda, NOW "political correctness" has become ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Now, if John Johnson over there stands up for himself against an obviously, blatantly racist hiring practice in the public services where he lives, someone is going to accuse him of trying to be "Politically Correct", as if he's doing something whiny and underhanded.

It's TRULY INCREDIBLE how Control Freaks seem to completely lack LOGIC or SENSE.

Discrimination against a person means:
"WE DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR BODY OR YOUR BACKGROUND, AND WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT VERY DIFFICULT OR IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET HIRED HERE, GET EDUCATED HERE, GET PROMOTED HERE, OR SIMPLY FEEL NORMAL HUMAN ACCEPTANCE LIKE WE GIVE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY."

Uhhh, standing up against THAT ridiculous clap trap that belongs locked behind the gates of a third grade playground would be called "A NORMAL RESPONSE", not "extreme leftist politics".

(Are you shitting me?)

Or wait a minute, I'm wrong? Well GOOD! Then when I become Mayor, you'll have no problem when I create a hostile environment for anyone who's not MY SEX, MY ANCESTRY (guess what, I'm Mohawk, Scottish, and Irish, so hope you're one of them...) and goes to MY CHURCH. Not just my religion, but my actual CHURCH.

People who are too tall, sorry, nope, your head might hit the door frame and you might get a concussion, and THEN where would we be? You're probably going to SUE! FORGET IT! I'm not taking the chance, that' would be STUPID!

If I don't feel completely and totally COMFORTABLE WITH YOU on a PERSONAL LEVEL, then YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WORK IN MY TOWN, and I'm just gonna tell you to QUIT WHINING every time you bring ANYTHING UP that you don't like. So you might as well move before the harassment starts.

Y'all are right, screw being fair and non-discriminatory! 
It's a heck of a lot more fun to just try to get more power for ME and my buds! And screw everyone else! 

MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED! 

Why Does It Bother You If You're Not A Bigot?

It's only bigots who hate it when people bring up prejudices like sexism and racism; I don't abuse animals, so it doesn't "get on my nerves" when people post about animal cruelty. It gets on my nerves when the Humane Society runs those very, very long commercials in the middle of the show I'm watching, but that's because they are trying to manipulate me into watching their very long commercial by running it in the middle of the show. It's not the CONTENT that bothers me, it's the fact that if I want to watch the show, I'm forced to deal with the long commercial.
When another human being brings up bigotry, and ESPECIALLY when they're talking about something that happened to them personally, what the hell reason would I have for trying to "shut them down", or argue with them? There's only one reason why I'd argue with a person who was upset about getting treated unfairly or with obvious bigotry, and that would be... that I feel defensive. Because I see myself in what they're upset about. I want it to be perfectly okay to treat a man like he's stupid just because he's a man, or a white person like they're arrogant just because they're white, or be dismissive toward Native Americans when they talk about what's happened to them. Maybe it makes me feel powerful, and like I fit in with everyone else who's habitually bigoted. Maybe I like it when I can get a laugh by making fun of women, or women who look a certain way, so I don't want it to change, so I want the upset person to shut up about it, even if they're one of my "friends" or family members.
I don't want it to change because I think it serves ME, I don't give a crap about how it affects anyone else, they're not as real as I am anyway. Right? Right. It's just the way things are... lol.

"What's she writing about now? Something else that I feel defensive about?!? How dare she post stuff that I don't like! Who does she think she is, a real person like me???! I shouldn't have to read things that make me uncomfortable!!!" lmbo.

Good Leadership

Being an arrogant leader is easy. Being a genuine leader is hard.
The first lives inside of ego, and the second inside humility.
The first always believes he or she is correct, righteous, and stronger than all others, simply blaming others for discomfort, for anything that doesn't "line up" correctly, or when there are complaints.
The second is aware that all humans are filled with flaws including themselves, and that he or she does not have all the answers, is not always the best or the brightest in the room, and has not always judged others or the situation correctly.
While the first rarely if ever feels compelled to self-reflect, make adjustments, seek counsel, or re-visit his or her judgments about others, the second knows that there is always reason to self-reflect and do all of these other things.
The first will find that it makes life easier to follow along with hierarchy and the egos of others. The second will find that his/ her humility, truth seeking, and solution seeking will challenge and insult the hierarchy and inflated egos of those around her/him.
Maintaining a sense of self-confidence is easy with arrogance as a companion. Maintaining it with humility as a companion is not so simple.
Being an arrogant leader is easy for the leader, but he or she does little good for those following. Being a good leader is hard, and takes a long time to learn, some say a lifetime.

Form Of Projection: Elaborate Denial Of Another's Trauma or Tragedy

"Projection" comes in different forms, and is done for different reasons by those with p.d.'s or mental illness.
It's most often, however, done in order to cast negativity onto another person in order to cast it off of one's self. Albeit in the realm of fantasy, still, it often works to quite an extent.

One such form of projection that is not spoken of very often is when an N. sufferer will talk about something terrible that happened to someone ELSE... how awful it is, how cruel, how traumatic, how serious, etc., the "projection" part is because the  thing that they're talking about is the very thing that they either DID THEMSELVES, or that they REFUSED to acknowledge or help with when it happened to a person in their family, friend, or work circle.
To add salt to the punch, they will especially do this WHILE TALKING TO the person who it was done TO, who it happened TO.
If the event was honestly unknown to the Narcissist, that would be a different story, however if the person is a family member or a "close friend", chances are the Narcissist is fully aware.

This is a different form of the kind of projection where the disordered person accuses a target of doing the things the N. actually did. (Cheating on a partner is a common one; the cheater will accuse their partner of cheating, but N's will accuse their partners, friends, or family members of pretty much anything they've done, said, or felt.)

So for example, the Narcissist will talk about how awful it was that someone on Television was attacked and raped, "and by someone they KNEW, no less, and how AWFUL it must have been, and can you even IMAGINE what that must have been like?!? The poor woman!"
But they will be saying all this TO THEIR FRIEND WHO IS TRYING TO RECOVER FROM PTSD FROM BEING ATTACKED AND RAPED.

This kind of projection may be one of this individual Narcissist's defense mechanisms, OR another way to hurt and dominate another, depending on the individual N.'s mental profile. (It's not necessarily one or the other, it really might be a defense mechanism, but the damage it can cause is real either way.)

It can be an attempt to DELETE INFORMATION.

It can be an attempt to EDIT REALITY, and re-write the story, making the N. into one of the people who are appalled, concerned, empathetic and caring, which makes them NOT one of the people who "don't care".

It's basically the same behavior N's display when they treat a person like a NOVICE, a BEGINNER, or CLUELESS, when they want to pretend that the person is NOT knowledgeable or skilled about something. (This can be seen quite often in Western culture fields of work and study.)

Again, for example, the Narcissist may have heard that a relative is emotionally/mentally abusive to their child. Amazingly, the Narcissist will convey the tragic news in detail, TO their own child that they treated in exactly the same way.

Now, if the person was NOT a Narcissist, and they actually just FORGOT about the other person's traumatic events due to perhaps stress, age, or just a memory lapse, then when the person said something like "Yes I'm all too familiar with that", the Non-Narcissist would almost certainly feel something like chagrin, embarrassment, guilt, and sympathy, and then make verbal apologies, and invite the person to talk about it.

When the person IS a Narcissist, if the other person said something like "Yes I'm all too familiar with that", then the N. would immediately become defensive, invalidate them, GO SILENT, go into a "mood" or a "rage", or accuse them of LYING, depending on the severity of the N's illness.

No Girls Allowed, No Boys Either

"I'm afraid to say that the tendency to bond with one's own sex to the exclusion of the other is a childhood stage. It includes seeing one sex as worthy, strong and capable, and the other as weak, overly emotional, and less capable. It tends to show itself in day-to-day behaviors, where one sex is ignored, criticized, and micro-managed, insulted, and "punished" with dismissiveness, slander, betrayal, and various kinds of sabotage. The other is held in high esteem, high sympathy, and given access to resources and to leadership positions.

This developmental stage can be seen working itself out in elementary school-age children, more or less depending on the surrounding culture:
Cultures with science, math, language, the arts, and social instruction (simultaneously) as main focus tend to be successful in guiding children to grow past this developmental stage, but cultures without focus and cultures that are fixated on material gain and warmongering actually discourage children from maturing past this stage, keeping them in an unhealthy suspended state of childhood that they carry into adulthood.
If an individual grows beyond this stage due to outside influences, or of their own volition, they are usually singled out and excluded.

Equal Sexes, Equal Races?

There has long been, in certain tribal cultures, debate over whether men and women were equal with one another. The same debate has gone on for eons about whether certain races were equal to one another.

So, this is 2013, nearly 2014 A.D. and these debates still have not been resolved. In fact the more science discovers, the more it appears that trying to categorize groups of humans as inferior or superior to one another is a moot point; there are too many variations, and too many similarities, at the same time.

Aside from scientific evidence, however, there is the question of logic and common sense.

If one is actually inferior to another, then challenging this would not be met with defense, anger, or attempts at punishment or oppression.
IF a natural inferior were to challenge a natural superior, they would be met with no hostility or offense of dignity, but with a knowing nod, a calm smile, and a kind hand. Perhaps a quiet chuckle.
But defensiveness, indignity, anger, rage, annoyance, the desire to punish or to dominate,,,
it simply would not be the reaction.

When a puppy tries to dominate a grown dog, the dog just sits there, letting the puppy jump all over him body, climb his back, nip on his ears, grab his feet and pull his tail. The dog does nothing to the puppy, indeed, he barely moves. Perhaps he'll play with the puppy with a quick jab of his nose, but that's all.

Because there is no threat.

The dog knows that the puppy is inferior, and he is superior. He is there to care for the puppy, protect the puppy, and allow the puppy to learn about the world, and about the puppy's own self, testing limits, testing strength, finding out anything and everything.
That's how superiors treat inferiors, because they are not threatened, they know what the puppy is going to do or not do, because the puppy is inferior.
When the puppy becomes an adult, an equal, then there is more tension, and also more direct companionship. Because now they are equals. Now, if the dog growls or nips, the other dog may react and feel threatened, because they are equals. And when one dog leads, the other follows along, and they switch leading and following all day long. One of them may lead more, but it's not a competition or a hierarchy, it's just their individual personalities; one thinks of things to do and the other is happy to find out what! And then when the other thinks of something, the first dog is equally happy to find out what!
No silliness, no supremacy, no control, no punishment, manipulation, entitlement or pain.

Because dogs have a natural understanding of what superiority really is, and what it entails, and when it's not present. 

Self-Centered and Needy, or a Healthy Reaction?

When we're annoyed and upset that strangers, acquaintances, and not very close friends don't know "important things" about us, we may be either immature or possibly have some kind of disorder or illness (even anxiety or trauma).

But when we're annoyed and upset that those close to us don't acknowledge anything "important" about us, don't seem to know or care about what we do or say (except perhaps to criticize and gossip), and seem very indifferent and dismissive to things we've accomplished, experienced, endured, or just our knowledge base, capability, skill set and character (our real one, not the one in their imagination), we are probably reacting in a realistic way to a narcissistic dynamic.
Not being "paranoid" or "needy".

Only in dysfunctional groups does this dismissive and shunning attitude to certain individuals occur, not in healthy groups where no envy, narcissism, control fixation or ill will is present.

To gauge this in a more accurate way, to see if it's "me" or "them", one can literally observe by comparative observation how much positive attention gets paid TO WHOM, BY WHOM. One MUST include one's self in the observations, relating to all others.
What's really going on?
If one realizes that one does not support or acknowledge or respect others, then find out the underlying reason for this.
Is it just being lazy or self-centered, or is there some kind of codependency dynamic within the system, and being supportive of others actually brings consequences from someone?
Has one backed off because one's SUPPORT or contribution is also dismissed and brushed aside, as if it's unimportant or unwanted, in the same way that their accomplishments, painful experiences, or hardships are ignored?

There is always more going on in any human group, especially in unhealthy groups, than meets the eye.

Once a person has backed away from a group, any group, because they became tired of being treated like they were unwanted, incompetent, unintelligent, unstable, or untrustworthy, it may not be possible to convince them to come back. Healthy minded people can only take so much disrespect before they turn and walk away, detaching and disassociating themselves from the group. Even if the person who wants them to come back wasn't one of the "disrespecters", if the environment hasn't changed, and if no one stands up for them, or acknowledges them, the person in question will probably keep walking. And they probably should, for their own sake.

Stereotypes, Status, Hierarchy, Narcissism, and War

Controllers/Narcissists tend to feel entitled to assign "jobs", "skills" and "innate ability" to OTHER people, and they often base their assignments on specific stereotypes that they grew up with.

So, in their minds, perhaps: ... African American women make good Nannies, nursemaids, or house maids... maybe nurses ... maybe a gospel singer or choir director, maybe a cook, maybe a hairdresser (but often ONLY if she's tall enough or large enough to fit the picture, if she's small, then she's put under a different assigned assumption, maybe she could be a cashier, but certainly not any of the aforementioned things.. either way, she is assumed to live inside of the stereotype, and just wouldn't have the capability of doing anything else.)

In their minds, a Caucasian men who are built a certain way are naturally good at fixing things and building things, or are apparent 'natural heroes" who make heroic civil servants, or who are wonderful because they always help people. But they aren't really permitted to do "cerebral" things like accounting, or sensitive things like caring for very small children or infants, and they "look weird" if they have a tiny dog or love kittens, and Heaven forbid if they don't hunt or have beer and drool on themselves during football season, or if they actually LIKE and RESPECT a woman, or women in general.

In their minds, each person has an assigned stereotype LIFE and PERSONALITY according literally to the way they look.

AND, each person already has a social STATUS assigned to them, also based on the original assigned "self".

The assigned status hierarchy goes something like this:

When one person speaks, you're supposed to listen respectfully and believe them, and feel admiration for them and whatever they say. You don't argue or debate them, you just listen attentively and then perhaps say "ahh" or "ohh", or ask a question. If they make a suggestion, a statement, or give an instruction, it's taken quite seriously as if it hath cometh down from the Heavens.
Gifts and favors are showered upon this person voluntarily.

When another person speaks, you're supposed to afford them decent respect, but it doesn't have to be as much as the other person... They're not at that highest rung, but they're higher than most, so the amount of respect given to them is high but not all the way high. Whatever they say is also taken very seriously, however what they say may occasionally be double-checked with a person who is on a higher rung than they are. However there is no countering or debating permitted. This person is regarded as very intelligent and capable, and knows what he/she is doing, and is very rarely doubted or questioned, but is given lots of credit, recognition and praised. Gifts and favors are often given to this person.

When a third person speaks, everyone listens with relative respect, but does not feel consequence for questioning the person. However they don't interrupt, even after being interrupted by the person. There is hesitation in disagreeing or arguing with them, but it's not out of range to do so, however it IS forbidden to accuse them of doing something wrong, bad, or shameful, or to imply that about them. This person is given praise, credit, and recognition for being a "good person" (regardless of how they really are), and is often given small gifts and favors. This person "knows everyone" and is often invited to parties and functions.

When a fourth person speaks, everyone listens, but not in the way that one listens to one of the "important people" above. Even if the person speaking is extremely knowledgeable, even an expert in the subject, whenever they speak it's treated as a social interaction where there is no "real" information or knowledge being conveyed. The person is very rarely taken "seriously" as if they are "one of the knowledgeable" people like those above, regardless of their actual experience and knowledge. Only those who are respectful individuals will listen to them speak in a respectful manner; others simply turn everything they say and do into a social interaction.

When a fifth person speaks, people pretend to acknowledge them, but talk right over them. Even if the person had an IQ of 200,  was an expert in quantum physics, and was visited by Jesus, everyone would simply talk over them, vying for higher status. Metaphorically stepping on the person. They DO KNOW that they're doing it, because when a person from the first three examples speak, they stop talking and listen to them.

When a sixth person speaks, people don't pretend to acknowledge them, they simply treat the person with disrespect and even contempt, as if they are gracefully allowing the person to be in their company at all. Again, it doesn't matter at all about what the person's actual intelligence, experience, or abilities are. It's PURELY social primate dynamics, and based ONLY on things like appearance, size, sex, adornments, body language, vocal tone, flattery, and social GAMING skills. It has nothing to do with "merit", "intelligence", "experience", or even "Character". This sixth person could easily be the NICEST, most generous, and emotionally STRONGEST person in the room.

Finally, the seventh person... simply receives nothing but contempt. The person is either barely acknowledged that they are present, or completely ignored as if they are NOT THERE. This is one of the creepiest, most disturbing social hierarchy behavior that is seen in humans. This behavior is not done to a person because they are "psychotic" and dangerous (in fact, dangerous psychotics are often treated like one of the top three in many groups). This behavior is done because the humans in the group are lacking in manners, maturity, autonomous thinking and behavior, and literally the function in the brain know as "empathy". It rarely has anything to do with the person being shunned, but everything to do with the mental profiles of the people in the group.
Scary? It can be, yes. Safe? No. Not at all, there is a possibility that someone in the group has psychosis and the group is following along with their social signals; and that if something happens, the "seventh person" will not be protected or helped. There is also the possibility that the "seventh person" might be harmed in some way, directly or indirectly, and most likely will not be assisted by anyone. If possible, it may be good to just leave. 

Hierarchies and Statuses in humans are not real, they're made up, and they are not based on merit, experience, or capability.

If they were, we wouldn't have WAR.
We would not have gangs or organized crime.
We wouldn't have local corruption or bias in schools, government and business.
We'd have a great deal more PROGRESS in all areas of life, including science, the economy, education, mental health, PEACE, and healthcare.

In Response To That Thing You Wrote That Made Me Mad:

Ad Hominem .