Only Men Can Do That; Only Women Understand That

We humans like to set up our world a certain way and then say "That's how it was when I got here!"

If I teach my daughter to cook pancakes but not my son, then which one of them is going to know how to cook pancakes, and which one of them is NOT going to know how?

So, my daughter knows how to cook pancakes, and my son does not.
Does that mean that GIRLS are naturally better at cooking than BOYS?

Um... wait, let me think on that... the answer is a pretty solid "NO".

What it means is: I taught my daughter how to cook pancakes, and I DID NOT teach my son how.
That's all it means. Nothing else.

So when my oil needs to be changed and both my son and daughter are playing in the yard, which one do I call over to "help me"?
Do I call them BOTH over?
If one of them acts like they're not interested, what do I say?
OH, it depends which one...
so if my SON says "Nah, I'm playing ..." I say "Come over here and help me, you can do this. Here, hold this while I do this... here pull this stick out, see the oil on it? See the marks? Now clean it off with this rag, and stick it back in that hole, yup, all the way down..."
and then he says "this is dirty" and I say "Ahh it washes off, no big deal."
and then he says "this is boring" and I say "You'll have to learn to do this when YOU drive this car!"
and then he perks up, since I just told him the car was going to be his someday.

But... if my DAUGHTER says "Nah, I'm playing..." I don't say "Come over here and help me, you can do this." INSTEAD, I say "Playing.. don't you want to learn about cars?" and then she says "Nahh, I'm doing this..." and then I say "Oh, okay..." and then... "Hey Son, why don't you come over here and help me?" To which he replies "Nahh.. I'm playing..." and then I say "Come over here and help me."

It's not about THEM, it's about ME.

Later, someone else comments on my son working on the car with me, and I say, proudly, "Oh yeah, he was all into it!" even though the truth is, he was bored out of his mind until I implied that HE was going to get the car someday. Would I have implied that to my daughter in order to get her interested in working on the car? NOT... because, it's ABOUT ME, not my son, and not my daughter.

Someone mentions that my daughter seemed uninterested in working on the car, and I say "Yeah, she's a girly girl, she likes her dolls.." (Yes, the dolls they were BOTH using in their game of pretend... which is NATURAL, NORMAL, and HEALTHY for all children, female or male.)

WE set up the world the way we want it, and then we shove children into it, whether they like it or not, and then we say "it's just natural"...

Scapegoats And Narcissists

Scapegoating and Narcissism are intrinsically connected.
If one is present, the other is also, even if it's not immediately evident.
Scapegoats are the people who Narcissists pick as a designated "permanent child" in the group, so that there will always be someone to pick on, someone to blame, someone to COMPARE themselves and others to. 

It's important to understand that it's NOT based in REALITY, it's based SOLELY in someone's ego issues: their desire for control and importance, and their desire to avoid accountability.

No matter what the Scapegoat REALLY does in life, they will continue to be treated by the Narcissist and the N's followers as an incapable, childish, silly, unstable person; like a pain-in-the butt tag-along little brother or sister; like the crazy one in the group; like the one who doesn't amount to anything; like the one who's a "burden" on someone else.

ANYTHING that happens between the Scapegoat and someone else will always get blamed on the Scapegoat, no matter what it is.
No matter WHAT it is, literally.

HEALTHY GROUPS DON'T HAVE SCAPEGOATS.

Only groups where some form of Narcissism is present would designate one of their own members as an ego dumping-station for everyone else.

By the time a Narcissist reaches adulthood, they've already had practice with scapegoating someone. The scapegoat was either a family member, or a person in the community.  But usually a family or household member. It could have been one of their parents, a sibling, a cousin, an aunt or an uncle, a grandparent~

Pretty much any member of the family can get scapegoated as long as there are TWO THINGS present:

One, a Narcissist who singles them out;
and Two, other members of the group who allow and go along with the Narcissist's behavior of singling the person out and treating them with disrespect, unfairness, and/or abuse.

Desire For Connection Is Normal

The desire and need for connection with other humans, especially family and friends, is HEALTHY and NORMAL.
The desire and need for POSITIVE connection with other humans is ALSO healthy and normal.

We are born as connected beings, connected to our group.

This is why Narcissistic abuse is so painful for human beings; we instinctively connect with others, and expect the connection to be there, because it's supposed to be there, and it's
supposed to be healthy and supportive.

We're HUMANS, our brains are quite capable of making our connections very positive and supportive; it's not dumb to expect that.
Expecting MUTUAL support is part of what we ARE.

It's much like dogs expecting to join a pack with other dogs, that's what they DO, it's what they're supposed to do. When they're in a pack, they're not preoccupied with each other, they're focused on what they're all doing together. They NOTICE one another, and do little social signals and play, but that's incidental, it's not their main focus. Their main focus is on chasing that stick together, or playing with that frisbee, or chasing that rabbit together. It's more fun when they're together. Only dogs with "issues" are more focused on trying to dominate other dogs than on the activity, because they have a fixation or an anxiety issue.


Narcissist humans USE those natural, normal connections between people for their own personal purposes and agendas. We usually don't know that they're going to do that until after it happens.


So imagine bringing your dog to a dog park, and one or two of the dogs there have a domination fixation. Every time your dog goes to chase the frisbee that someone is throwing, those other dogs chase YOUR dog INSTEAD OF the frisbee. They are fixated on your dog, and are trying to stop your dog from catching the frisbee. THAT'S more important to them than actually catching the frisbee themselves, or participating in the game.

When one of them gets hold of the frisbee (by taking it out of your dog's mouth), they run away with it, refusing to give it back to the human who was throwing it. They growl when someone tries to take it.
DOMINATION itself is their focus, not the GAME, and they are not able to connect in a healthy way with the other dogs as "peers" or "equals". They see every other dog as either a threat to their dominance, or as something to dominate and get something from. 
So YOUR DOG craves the connection with the other dogs at the park, and wants to participate in the game, and have FUN, building social skills, self-confidence, motor and coordination skills, and friendships.
But the domination-fixated dogs PREVENT your dog from doing any of those things, every time.
Eventually, your dog doesn't want to go to the park anymore, and whenever your dog sees another dog, he gets anxious instead of happy.
So, instead of building things in his life that he needs to build, he's prevented from doing that. And consequentially, he becomes avoidant toward those very things because every time he tries, there's someone there blocking him or attacking him.

(The solution? The dog can't do anything, he's under the ownership and control of a Human. What the Human can do is look for another dog park where the dog owners are more responsible, and don't let their domination-fixated dogs go after the other dogs.
(and/or get 'help' with their domination-fixated pets).

(This is about why N. abuse is so painful for targets, and how it can cause so much damage. Not about why they do it.)

"Narcissistic Supply" Always Trumps "Loved Ones" Or "Friendship"

When a person with Narcissism describes someone as being a "nice person" (male or female), what they're actually saying is that the person gave them something that pleased them, either material or emotional. 
If that "nice person" was to treat their partner or friend with disrespect or even meanness, it wouldn't matter to the N, it wouldn't register as important or significant. ALL that matters is that the person keeps giving the N. something they want and like.

That "something" could be as simple as crumbs of attention, especially if the N. admires the person or wants their approval.
(For some, the absence of obvious rejection is the same as positive attention and acceptance.)
It could easily be some kind of praise, flirtation, ego-stroking, recognition, etc..
It could also be, and often IS, some kind of material object or supply, like work, money, opportunity for work or money, access to certain places or people, or other illegal and illicit things (per the individual, not all N's participate in illegal activity) such as drugs, stolen goods, or other 'supply'.

"Having connections" is BIG with people with Narcissism. Again, just "having connections" doesn't make a person a Narcissist, it's just one of the things that Narcissists tend to be attracted to; it makes them feel important and like a "key player" in a larger "operation".

For a Narcissist, getting something they want, 'need', and LIKE from another person always trumps the way that person conducts themselves, and treats other people, including the people connected to the Narcissist.

For a lot of people with Narcissism, they may actually LIKE IT when someone treats those they're "close to" with disrespect or abuse.
They get off on being one of the people who is in the "bully" group, and not in the "target" group. Being associated with a bully can give them a sense of power and control over the person who's being targeted.

Objectivity And Recovery

One of the hurtles to recovery that many targets face is the desire for the other person (or people) to be accountable.
This is why detachment, objectivity, and awareness of mental and emotional illness is our "friend".

If we get stung by a hornet (as a mentally healthy adult), we don't expect the hornet to feel remorse, to admit wrong-doing, to apologize, or to make amends and try to repair the relationship. We know it's a hornet, and that's what hornets DO when they react to a possible threat. Hornets don't ask questions, they don't find out what a person's intention was, they just notice that there's movement and react to it.
We know this, so we stay away from them in the first place, and if we do get stung, we don't take it personally, or demand justice or restitution from the hornet. (The exception to this would be a person with certain mental illness who does take everything personally, including the way wild animals behave, or even the weather).

When we're able to detach ourselves more and more, and look at mental/emotional illness from an objective, non-personal point of view (including narcissism), we are better able to see it more clearly.

For example, if OUR dog becomes vicious and starts biting people, then the experience is personal, we would feel like the dog's viciousness and behavior was directly attached to us, and we would feel so much emotion about it (hopefully) that we would be hard-pressed to look at the dog and the situation in a NEUTRAL, "scientific" light. But if that SAME dog was at the Shelter, and we hadn't adopted it yet, we would be much more able to listen to the facts about the dog's past, the dog's breed, the dog's disposition, and the reasons that the dog has become "vicious". We would KNOW that the dog's viciousness was not ABOUT US, and the dog hadn't attacked us or anyone we know, so we wouldn't FEEL very much at all toward or about the dog, or the viciousness.

It wouldn't be OUR dog, it would just be a dog that happened to have some kind of aggression issue, and we would be more able to go over reasons why this stranger-dog might be vicious, without deep feelings about it.

The reasons we want to know WHY the dog is vicious are many, and are VALID.
(Controllers often try to 'invalidate' other people's reasons for seeking information and knowledge, as if there is no "real" or "good" reason for a person wanting to learn about, study, and know more about something, and as if that's their judgment to make.)

Dogs live in our communities, we're around them all the time. Also, if we want to adopt a dog, we need to know about them and their tendencies, and what to look for. Vicious dogs are no joke, they can turn on anyone and hurt them seriously. And when they do turn on a person, even if they don't cause much damage, they usually get "put down", and on top of that, the dog-owner may get sued. So if we don't take that seriously, we're being irresponsible.
We want to know WHY dogs can be vicious, so we know what we can do to prevent it (like treating a puppy properly, giving it proper healthcare, training the puppy properly, and not allowing abusive people near the puppy.)
We want to know what signs a dog might display that signal "viciousness", so we don't unknowingly approach a biting dog, provoke one, or adopt one.
We also want to know how to deal with a vicious dog when we find ourselves being threatened or attacked by one, and how to get away hopefully in one piece. (What's really the best way to deal with it? What if there's nothing around to use as a weapon? What if the dog is very large? What if there's nowhere to climb or hide? What if the dog is injured or sick?)

*(A person with certain mental illness, hostility fixation, or lack of maturity might say something like "I'd just punch it in the face" or "Just kick it" or "That's why I always carry pepper spray/a taser/a knife, etc." instead of wanting to know more information that could be useful; they have to be seen as 'the expert' and 'more knowledgeable than you' in all things, all the time. They might listen to the 'Dog Whisperer', but only because he's famous and has a title, and also possibly because he's male, or because he has a nice smile, or he's the 'right' ancestry, or not the 'wrong' one. But not really because he knows more than you do about dogs~~~ If every time you speak, the N. argues or counters you, how are they going to know how much you know about dogs? They already ASSUME that they know your level of expertise, based on nothing but the fact that you're NOT FAMOUS for it, or because of the way you look, so they have no interest in finding out how much you know.)

Another simple example of how we are more able to understand when we're "detached" and objective can be seen using the Venus Fly Trap plant. A lot of people adopt the Venus Fly Trap because they're fascinated by a "meat eating plant", and have assumptions about their plant's "motives" that they usually base on themselves and animals. So a child gets a Venus Fly Trap and "feeds" it flies or pieces of meat for a week or so, and that's cool at first, but after a while it starts to get boring because it turns out that the Fly Trap is not dangerous or voracious. It simply supplements its nutrition with protein from insects that get trapped in its "mouth". The inside of the "mouth" has trigger-hairs that signal it to close when something touches them enough, and the insect gets trapped inside and eventually dies. So, when the excitement about having a "meat-eating plant" goes away because the Fly Trap's mechanism is more clearly understood, the fascination and also any fear of getting "bitten" goes away too.
If the Venus Fly Trap DID "bite" the person's finger, it's a lot less interesting or scary when it turns out that the only reason the "mouth" closed was because those "hairs" were touched and triggered. It would have "bit" a pencil too, for the same reason. In other words, that's what they DO, regardless of WHO or WHAT is triggering those "hairs".

When we are able to view animals, plants, and other people with more objectivity, more detachment, and LESS attachment and personalization, it becomes easier FOR US to process what's going on, what's happening, and why. When we can view ourselves in more of that objective light, that helps us even further. It's something that even experienced scientists have to practice, it's not easy and no one who's normal-human can do it all the time or with everything, but practicing objectivity is tremendously helpful in the journey of recovery.

Scapegoats And Hierarchy

Groups that Scapegoat are usually the same groups that seek to appoint someone as "Leader".

Many, many people are engulfed in their own desire for Hierarchy, and so they CREATE "Hierarchy" where it doesn't exist, and where it's not appropriate.

The Scapegoat is a person who someone started treating as a "lower status person" somewhere along the line, and the others in the group FOLLOWED ALONG, because no one wants the "lowest status" position in a group.

If a person believes that Hierarchy is REAL, then they're NOT going to want to be the "low man on the totem pole", they'll throw someone else under the bus in order to avoid being thrown under themselves.

The Scapegoat is a person who gets talked about in very negative ways by other members of the group. This gossiping activity is to ENSURE that they are the ones in the "low status" position, and that no one else is IN DANGER of being put in that position. That's basically what it's about. Everyone joins in the targeting of this individual, because they want that person to STAY IN the "scapegoat" position, so THEY won't get put there.
THEY FEAR GETTING SCAPEGOATED THEMSELVES.
If "Scapegoating" exists in a social system, then EVERYONE is a potential target. All it takes is for the winds of change to blow hard enough. If they'll turn on one person, they'll turn on another very easily.

The Scapegoat is often called "names" behind their back, and sometimes to their face, such as "lazy, weird, crazy, 'off', nuts, unstable, irresponsible, loser, stuck up, ugly, fat, skinny, slutty, greedy, bitchy, whiny, self-centered", etc.
NAME CALLING is not something that mature or caring people do to other people in conversation, so just the use of "bad names" is a very big red flag. Mature adults don't do "Name-calling" except when they're having a hard time containing their anger about abuse or betrayal (or worse; but real).

The Scapegoat gets blamed for all kinds of things, whether they were even involved or not in an incident.

The Scapegoat's actions are frequently lied about and purposely misconstrued, embellished, and inflated.

A Scapegoat is often the only one who is actually spending time or caring for another person in the family, and may be targeted because the others feel ashamed that they're not doing much to help, or because others are afraid they'll be judged as "lazy" or "uncaring" in comparison.

Scapegoats are typically denied the same support that other members of the group take for granted. That support may include friendship and general respect and courtesy; resources that others receive as a matter of "normal" support; protection from unfairness, disrespect, abuse and assault from inside or outside of the group; shelter, food, clothing, or any other kind of help, support, or assistance that others in the group receive.

A Scapegoat may have been targeted originally because someone was envious of them for any reason, or jealous of a relationship they had with someone.

A Scapegoat may have been targeted originally because they were abused or neglected, and someone has been trying to destroy their credibility by destroying their reputation, just in case the abuse ever "came out".

A Scapegoat may have been targeted simply because someone in the group has some kind of mental/emotional illness that causes paranoia, so they started placing blame and accusations on one person for their feelings, and others in the group followed along with the delusion instead of investigating and putting a STOP to the rumor mill. 

The original reason that a person was targeted for Scapegoating often gets lost in the melee of the slander, gossip and dysfunction of the group. After a long enough period of time, the participating group members just go along with targeting the person and painting them as the "black sheep", as a "loser", as the "haughty one", as "eccentric" or "weird" or whatever.

Groups that scapegoat will ALWAYS scapegoat SOMEONE. If the current scapegoat were to disappear completely, a NEW ONE would be picked pretty quickly from the remaining cast of characters.

A Narcissist Won't ~

One thing you won't see a person with Narcissism do (regardless of having any other diagnoses), is go to a counselor to help them learn how to treat others with more respect and care.

WE DON'T LIKE HER! NOBODY DOES!

Another common manipulation tactic is the attempt to get "everyone" to agree not to "like" a certain person anymore.

This is often done by those who have envy issues, social insecurity issues, and also those who have actually betrayed, scammed, abused, slandered, lied to, or otherwise hurt the person they're targeting.

(Instead of owning up to their behavior and apologizing or making amends, they try to turn the whole situation upside down and put the blame on the person they hurt.)

A person with codependency or Stockholme syndrome may also do this to a person who has STOOD UP AGAINST a bully, a gossip, or an abuser on someone else's behalf. They become the new target/scapegoat because they stood up for someone else who was being treated poorly.

Appropriate Punishment vs. Retaliation and Abuse

Inflicting "punishment" on another person for one's own emotional reactions is simply abuse.  It's bullying.
There are specific scenarios where "punishment" is appropriate, and those are limited to disciplinary measures regarding actions that don't comply with standard guidelines. In other words breaking rules or laws, or refusing to hold up one's responsibilities.

A parent or another supervisory adult is appropriate in "punishing" a child for misbehaving, such as suspending privileges, or putting away a toy (or a game, or a cell phone), when they do things like refuse to follow rules, if they mistreat another person or animal. or if they lie.
These are behaviors that have objective, outlined standards that are the same for everyone in a group.
Megan lies, she gets grounded for two days, Ronald lies, he gets exactly the same punishment as Megan did.
Not more, and not less, because the punishment is for the ACTION of lying. It's not about whether someone LIKES the certain child or not, or is MAD AT the child or not, or is EMBARRASSED by the child or not, or is trying to "put the child in her/his 'place'".

However it is not appropriate to punish a child for things like: not complying with abuse, for feeling confident, for expressing emotion (not the same as behavior), for asking questions, for not behaving "feminine enough", "masculine enough", "black, white, Asian enough (etc)", for being "too smart"/"too curious"/"too creative", for NOT BEING SIMILAR ENOUGH to someone, or for "being annoying" because their general personality doesn't MATCH an adult's personality.
A child's role is not to cater to the feelings, comfort, or ego of other people in their environment. 

"Punishment" is also appropriate toward adults who are voluntarily WITHIN a community or organization, where guidelines and laws are SPELLED OUT, and agreed upon by general consensus. And, where the "punishments" for breaking laws and not following guidelines are also laid out. So if a person speeds on a road with a posted speed limit in the US, it is KNOWN that they are breaking the law, and they should EXPECT to get pulled over and ticketed; that's the law, and that's the "punishment" for breaking that law that's been agreed upon. If a person ASSAULTS another person, if they are in sound mind, they surely know that it's against the law, and that they will receive PUNISHMENT for breaking that law.

Those, again, are examples of disciplinary measures that have been decreed and agreed upon that whoever breaks a law will receive.

The punishment is for the ACTION, and the laws and guidelines are agreed upon and known.

It's not a RETALIATION.

If Mary runs a stop sign, the police officer doesn't pull her over because they don't LIKE Mary personally. They pulled her over because she ran the stop sign, it's the law. Mary voluntarily lives in her community, which means she agrees to abide by the basic laws. Mary voluntarily drives a car; she is volunteering to abide by the traffic laws. Not because she's "submissive" or a "sheep", but because traffic laws are there for specific reasons of traffic flow and safety for everyone who's on the road, driving a car, a motorcycle, a bicycle, a delivery truck, walking by themselves, walking with a child, walking with an animal, etc.
If Mary or her friend John doesn't LIKE the laws, then since they are VOLUNTEERING to be citizens in that community, they can go through the process of helping to CHANGE the laws that they don't like. If they don't want to do that, then they can MOVE, if they live in a free country. 

If the police officer pulled Mary over for ignoring the stop sign, and then decided he/she didn't LIKE her, so they cited her for doing all kinds of other things "wrong", or treated her disrespectfully, then THAT would be inappropriate "punishment" and "retaliation", which is a common behavior in certain personality disorders.

Those with control issues for whatever reason/diagnosis may try to inflict "PUNISHMENT" on another person according to their OWN EMOTIONS and moods. This is retaliation, however, not actually "punishment".

Rages, name-calling, threats, slander, kicking someone out of their home, taking away their resources, blocking them from resources or support, back-stabbing, condescension, assault, shunning, and betrayal are examples of RETALIATIONS that those with control issues may try to inflict on another person, and will often call "punishment".

Healthy adults don't "punish" other adults, and healthy adults don't punish children for their own emotion and ego issues.

Manipulation Using Sympathy

Expressing sympathy toward another person is one of the tactics that manipulators often use in order to quickly gain a person's trust.
"I can't believe they treat you that way. That's horrible."
"You work so hard and they don't even acknowledge you!"
"I feel so bad for you having to put up with that."
"Here let me help you..."
"It's not right the way they act toward you. I would be so angry."
"You come and hang out with me, I won't treat you that way."
"People like that don't deserve to breathe! They're evil."
"Vote for me, I'm on your side."
"If you need help, or anything at all, you call me first."

The words can sound like real sympathy when spoken by a manipulator.
They can be the SAME WORDS that someone who actually cares might say.
It can be nearly impossible to tell whether a person who is expressing sympathy is genuine, or if they're trying to gain a person's trust or 'loyalty'.

The tactic may be used on many levels and in many situations, depending on the goal or mental illness level of the manipulator. From gaining the trust of a potential customer, to a potential con-mark, to gaining the trust of a potential abuse target, to gaining the trust of a family member, friend, classmate, student, coworker, etc.

One of the ways to determine whether someone is genuinely expressing sympathy, or is trying to manipulate, is to look at the rest of the picture. What are their other behaviors? How do they treat others, and that means ALL others? Do they gossip? Do they treat others with respect, kindness, and understanding on a regular basis? Do they seem to dislike others who are in your life? Do they seem to want YOU to dislike or turn on certain other people, especially who have not done anything seriously wrong?

Do they ask you to do things for them, but they say "no" when you ask them for help, support, or assistance?
Is everything usually THEIR way, and if you say anything about that at all, do they fly into defensiveness, every time?

Can they help you without disrespecting you, or making it a HUGE deal, as if you're asking them to help you move the Washington Monument, or loan you a million dollars?

There are definitely different levels of manipulators. Most are apparently just not socially or emotionally mature or healthy, and can cause problems in social groups and families. These are the manipulators who try to gain the trust of certain others in order to gain their "loyalty", and turn them against certain other individuals.

Then there are those who do this same thing outside of the 'friendship' or family group, in the larger community, and cause problems for others in business, career, and academics, which is actually illegal, but difficult to prosecute, and so it happens a lot. (Bullies will often push to see how far they can go with their behaviors, but may stop if and when they fear consequence.)

There are those who try to gain trust in order to gain manipulation power over another person, so they can get the person to do things for them, give them things, and care for them, but without reciprocation. These manipulators also commonly try to gain the trust and loyalty of others around them, so that they'll HELP with making a certain person into a 'servant', an ever-available 'handy-man' or 'hand maiden'.

Then there are those who try to gain the trust of others in order to con them out of money or possessions. The internet is FILLED with this.

There are those who try to gain the trust and loyalty of others in order to sell their product. (Advertising, sales-pitching).

There are those who manipulate a person into trusting them in order to gain access into their 'heart', so they can use them for all manner of things, including sex.
This is also all over the internet, but can probably be found in any local group where there are humans.

There are those who are on the severe end of the mental illness scale who try to gain the trust of targeted abuse victims.

It's also used on a larger scale for bigger groups of people.

Manipulation; trying to gain trust and loyalty~ in order to build a "following" is common for Politicians (of all stripes and parties), political parties, for promoters of entertainers and artists, religious leaders and speakers, ANTI-religious leaders and speakers, cult leaders, non-profit organizations, big business, political movements such as "MRA", even electronic and computer companies now can be seen using these tactics.

Manipulation via "sympathy" is not used by ALL of these types of people or groups in order to build a following.
It's most commonly seen being used to gain a following when the person or group's agenda includes
DISLIKING or HATING SOMEONE ELSE.

We are ALL potential targets of some manipulator, somewhere. It's nothing NEW, there have always been humans who try to manipulate in order to get what they seek, instead of being straightforward and ethical. Often it's because they don't think they're capable of getting what they want without unethical means; they're severely insecure, or very immature; they want to receive something without doing the work or going through the steps, or they want to receive MORE than they've earned.
Other times it's just "malignant Narcissism".
~Either way, we are all potential targets, and therefore it's in our best interest to learn how to protect ourselves and our loved ones, how to listen to others with healthy respect (not trying to shut them down, and not shifting our belief system to theirs), and learning how to keep our Boundaries up and running without turning them into hard and brittle "walls" with cannons sticking out of them.

Fear Of Being Sucked In

People who's boundaries are not strong often fear that listening to different points of view means they will become hypnotized and indoctrinated, and "get pulled in". Since their boundaries are not strong, they might be right about their own lack of ability to listen to someone else without being heavily influenced. But the issue is not the other person, or what the other person is saying; the issue is the weakened state of their own boundaries. If they were strong and healthy (and they can be if the person were to make an effort in healing them), then the person could hear the point of view of nearly any person on the planet, alive or dead, without changing their own beliefs or "getting sucked in".
Of course there are people who try to persuade and 'charm' others into following them, but that only works on people who aren't aware of the trick. Just like a magic show; if you know the trick, you aren't fooled, you don't believe it was really "magic". But if you don't know the trick, it can certainly seem real.
Healthy boundaries allow a person to watch a magic show, or listen to even the most charismatic politician or religious leader, without getting "sucked in", and without feeling as if one has to DEFEND themselves against being sucked in.

Positive Attitude, Negative Attitude... Which One Is RIGHT

People who have "Pollyanna" attitudes are said to see the world covered in rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies all the time.
They can be really annoying to people who live in "reality"...

People who have "Mike Misery" attitudes are said to see the world covered in pitfalls, negativity, and problems all the time.
They can be really annoying to people who live in "reality"...

So, if Pollyannas don't live in reality, and neither do Mike Misery's, then who does?

The truth lies somewhere in between Scotty Sunshine and Debbie Downer.

Reality includes huge quantities of rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies, and it also includes large amounts of pitfalls, negativity and problems.
Neither Pollyanna NOR Mike Misery are "right", because each of them are fixated on only acknowledging certain things in the world, and not the whole picture. Each of them pretend that half of the world does not exist. They're choosing to embrace only certain things, and they're choosing to reject other things that they simply don't want to deal with.

Both LIGHT and DARKNESS exist, and both exist at all times. ALL THE TIME.
Quite literally, if it's night time and cold where Mike Misery is standing right now, on the other side of the world it's day time, and the temperature is warm. Mike is standing in a dark, cold spot. If he did some traveling, he could go to a warm and bright spot. That's reality. Whether it will be easy or hard for Mike to do this traveling is another issue, but either way the fact remains, it's bright and warm in another spot, and if Mike Misery went there, he would be warm and standing in sunshine.

We tend to get used to a certain way of looking at the world, and that often means we're looking through a FILTER of our own making. This filter makes the world look brighter, perhaps warmer, or it makes the world look darker, and perhaps colder. Many of us tend to change our FILTER according to our mood; if we're in a good mood because something good happened, we put the warm and bright filter on. If something happened (or didn't happen) that shifted our mood down, we put the cold and dark filter on. We either see everything as hopeful, pretty happy, and going well, or we see everything as gloom, doom, trapped, stuck, and negative.

We tend to BEHAVE and SPEAK according to whichever filter we're wearing over our eyes at the moment as well; we act kind and generous, respectful toward others, understanding and lighthearted when we're using the bright/warm filter. When we're using the cold/dark filter, we tend to act indifferent, hostile, uptight, annoyed, "tough", aggressive, even cold or mean.

The bright/warm filter makes it easy to act like a "lovely, caring person", and the cold/dark filter makes it easy to act like a "tough hard-nose" or even a thuggish, self-centered oaf.

Many people LEARN to change their filters purposely in order to change their attitudes and behaviors, so they can make themselves feel and act a certain way for various reasons, with various people.

Some people leave one of these filters on all the time, because they received some kind of attention or external reward from other people when they were wearing it.

Sunshine is real, and so is darkness. Happiness and joy are real, and so is struggle. Love is real, and so is hatred. Caring is real, and so is arrogance, neglect, and abuse.

We each choose the filter that we wear every day, and we choose whether to use one or not.

We each choose our actions and behavior as well, and we choose to either LEARN MORE about the world around us, about others near us and far, and about ourselves, or we choose not to, and remain ignorant.

Did You Know: Psychiatry

Be as careful about your mental health treatment and that of your loved ones as you are about the rest of your physical health, and theirs.

Many don't know this, but all psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists are not taught the same, and there are different "schools of thought" regarding psychiatry and psychology.

There are students who are taught that an individual is pretty much "born that way"... in other words, the abuse they went through, the trauma they went through, and the culture they grew up in didn't cause their behavioral, emotional, or thought processing issues... nope, they would have ended up the same exact way whether they were raised by wolves, apparently, or in Beverly Hills.
Doesn't make sense, does it?
And yet, there are people who are taught that in school, and who practice according to that belief system.

There are several theories and schools of thought regarding human psychology, so do your homework, study up, educate yourself. You are a human being just like anyone who has gone to school to study psychiatry or psychology.
Knowledge and theory is not "owned" by only certain people, it's there for every person to learn from and review.

Spreading False Rumors About A Parent To Their Children

One of the most horrific and horrendous behaviors that is common to people with certain forms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is trying to paint a person in a negative light to the person's children. Whether the children are very young, older, or adult, the damage can be devastating on several levels, both to the targeted parent AND to the child.

Narcissists are typically not able to comprehend the severity of the damage they're inflicting, although some are. But often a person who is smearing another person is only thinking about destroying the CREDIBILITY of the targeted person, so if the targeted person starts telling others the truth about what the Narcissistic person has done, the hope is that no one will believe them.

Trashing a parent to the person's own children is often done for very superficial and petty reasons, such as trying to MAKE the child LIKE the Narcissist BETTER. People with NPD are often very jealous of close relationships between other people, and will seek to destroy bonds between others, and try to gain "loyalty" of one of the people by creating a CLIQUE, a FACTION, or a "secret club" that INCLUDES the one person and EXCLUDES the other via turning others on the targeted person. They also tend to give "gifts" to the person they're trying to lure, and to make time spent with them seem like a GRAND PARTY... so much better than spending time with that OTHER boring, straight-laced, control freak, rule-making parent...

Children often MISS CONTRADICTIONS, such as a Narcissist calling a targeted person names implying sobriety and Puritanical values such as "straight-laced Polly Purebred " one day,
and calling them an "unstable, irresponsible *&^*@" the next.

Some favorite common rumors that Narcissists seem to enjoy spreading about a parent or an ex in order to 'destroy' their image and reputation, either to the person's children or to others, include:

~ They have a drug habit
~ They have an alcohol problem
~ They can't be trusted
~ They're bipolar or otherwise "mentally unstable" (for some reason "bipolar" is a popular label used often in smear campaigns, it must have been on TV a lot at some point, or in a popular movie.)
~ They "sleep around"
~ They don't tell the truth
~ They don't really care about their kids
~ They cheated on their ex (this one is often used when the ex did the cheating)
~ They're Narcissistic themselves
~ They're the one who was abusive, the other was so worn out and miserable that he/she "HAD TO" lash out/cheat/lie/steal/do drugs... etc..
~ They only care about themselves
~ They lied about the ex and the relationship, and they "make up stories"
~ They keep secrets from everyone
~ They have a "secret life"
~ They "abandoned" their kids
~ They neglected their kids
~ They're control freaks, and/or nobody likes them

What children need to understand is that NO ONE who is NOT a "Narcissist" would spread bad things about their own parent, especially to THEM, whether they were false or true.
ONLY a person who has bad intentions would purposely try to convince a child that their parent is simply a "bad person". Even when one parent is ABUSIVE, a person who does NOT have Narcissism or bad intentions would be more worried about the child figuring out that their parent is abusive, how to explain what's going on or what's happened in a gentle and careful way, and what kind of impact it will make on the child, whether they're still young or an adult.


A NON-Narcissist would wish for the abusive or neglectful parent to heal themselves and heal the relationship with their child.

A Narcissist, on the other hand, just seeks to ruin the child's respect, care, and bond toward the targeted parent, whether that parent was abusive OR whether they're a very loving, caring, excellent parent who loves their child or children very deeply.


Most of these kinds of rumors come from a REAL PLACE, but that place is not from the life of the person who is being targeted. Usually, these are stories pulled straight from the gossiper/smearer's OWN life, edited and rewritten to make the target the "main character" instead of themselves.
Occasionally these tales may also be pulled from others lives whom the Narcissist knows, such as their 'best friend', family members, coworkers, even from fictional dramas.

One thing that nearly all those with Narcissism have in common is a honed and practiced ability to lie, and to convince others that a completely false piece of fiction is true, both about themselves and about other people. 

Dealing With Bullies

"I wish I could think of a good come-back... I always think of something good to say LATER..."

Bullies realize early in life, from testing others, that when they surprise a person with an insult, a put-down, or a threatening implication or gesture, the person is often rendered speechless and startled. They know it happens, but few know WHY, they usually seem to think it's because THEY are soooo scary or sooo witty... really though it's just the natural startle response. The brain detects a threat, and so it turns on "high alert" and scans to see if the danger is serious or not. We're not rendered "stupid" when this happens, we're actually MORE vigilant and alert, but our "wit" may have been diverted temporarily into the fight-or-flight part of the brain. It is possible to improve our ability to think of quick come-backs with practice.

Think of a better insult... this scene in "Roxanne", Steve Martin's Cyrano film, is where he squishes this aspiring bully into the carpet with a list of 20 much more creative insults than "Big Nose" ...

"Status", "Respect", and "Hierarchy" According To ...

What is it that humans use to create "Hierarchies"?

What is the CRITERIA that humans use to determine who deserves "RESPECT" and who does not?

We all like to say that "respect" is about character, about intelligence, and about wisdom.

But... is it?

We all like to say those things, but most of us know better... human beings tend to replace genuine respect with FEAR, especially in groups and cultures where bullying is present and common.

So... Philip weighs 120 lbs (54 kg) and stand at 5' 4" (1.63 m).
John and Mike stand at 5' 9" and both weight around 175 lbs.
John and Mike tend to treat Philip like he's a "kid brother", like he's less experienced and less grown-up, and not as "tough", based solely on his smaller size. John and Mike find this kind of funny, Philip finds it annoying and aggravating because they're always bossing him around, making jokes, and treating him like he's a weakling or a child, but when he stands up to them they make fun of him even more. When he complains about it to other friends, they tell him he's being "too sensitive". No one else says anything at all about it, not even Philip's relatives.
John and Mike literally treat Philip as if he is not as much of a "real adult" as they are, based solely on their size differences.
This dynamic of disrespect might have been cute when they were all younger, but as adults, this dynamic gives others the impression that Philip actually IS less capable, less experienced, and weak.
When John, Mike and Philip go together to apply for a job in a construction company to make money for college, John and Mike get hired, but Philip does not. The employer saw their social dynamic and bought into the display of John and Mike being "superior" and Philip being "inferior".

REALITY, however, is that John and Mike have ZERO experience in construction, except for fetching tools for John's older cousin once, but Philip has years of experience helping his Aunt and Uncle in their development and remodeling business. He wrote that down on the application, but the employer didn't take it seriously because he ALSO likes to feel "powerful" when he's around people who are shorter or thinner than he is. He bought into John and Mike's treatment of Philip because HE thinks the same way.

Now, when John and Mike get on their "crew", there are three people who are taller than they are. One of them is a woman with 25 years of experience. John and Mike treat the three taller people with something they believe to be "respect", but it's really FEAR. Fear of being on the RECEIVING END of the disrespect that they give to Philip.

After a couple of months, John and Mike start trying to treat the woman with disrespect; they interrupt her, talk over her, behave as if she isn't in the room when they're talking to other men. They pretend not to hear her instructions, or to not hear them correctly. They make fun of her behind her back, and try to make her look stupid in front of other people, questioning and doubting her in front of others.

John and Mike picked the wrong crew. After about a week and a half of treating their female coworker/supervisor with disrespect, they get fired.

However... that's not the whole story. When they get fired, another pair of workers get hired to replace them. The new hirees are a man and a woman, each with about fifteen years of experience. They're both shorter than John and Mike were, and shorter than the rest of the crew.

After a few weeks, the crew starts showing disrespect to both of them, similar to what John and Mike had been doing. But THEY don't get fired for it, or even disciplined. The two new hirees actually get "spoken to" by the boss instead when they begin to stand up for themselves. The boss also happens to be taller than they are. After a couple of months, the two new hirees quit, and open their own business (which quickly grows to a huge success).

In the meantime Philip has started working in an office with both male and female coworkers. There are others there who are the same height as he is, and they treat him pretty well, like peers. However, there are three coworkers who are shorter than he is, one male and two female. Soon Philip starts to join in with his coworkers in treating the smaller coworkers as if they are less capable, physically fragile and weak, and like they don't really "fit in" with the rest of the group. REALITY is that the smallest coworker is literally the most experienced, and the second smallest has the highest IQ in the entire company.

Eventually, the three smallest workers leave, because they get sick of the childish treatment from their coworkers. Two of them start their own business, one of them earns their second PhD and gets hired by a competitor for a huge salary. Philip, however, stays with the company, making the same mediocre pay.

Status and Hierarchy among human beings is RARELY about intelligence, experience, wisdom, or ability. It's almost always based on extremely superficial VISUAL differences, such as height, shoulder width, weight, sex, hair color, and even the SIZE OF A PERSON'S HEAD compared to another.
Humans will often readily listen to and believe anything that a taller, larger person says over a smaller person, REGARDLESS of intelligence, experience, or actual knowledge;
they will even disregard their OWN KNOWLEDGE about each person and ignore the person whom they know for a fact has experience or expertise just because of their physical appearance and body compared to another person (or compared to themselves).

It's truly amazing, albeit disturbing, to observe.

Selective Amnesia? Did He/She Really Forget Saying Those Awful Things?

 Imagine speaking, but not hearing or listening to your words, your tone, or your volume. Kind of like when you're wearing headphones and trying to talk to someone, and you shout but don't realize it. What if the words themselves that you are saying are also outside of your awareness, in the same way as the volume of your voice.
 You speak the words but don't have awareness or recall of what they were, or how they were spoken.
 This is the kind of processing many people with apparent narcissism have.
 The human brain is miraculous, but it's also limited, and it "kicks out" information that doesn't FIT with the "picture" of the world it has created and feels comfortable with. The normal human brain deletes information it doesn't "like" or agree with on a regular basis, as if it's just too much processing work to deal with the NEW information.
 This deleting process in people who are afflicted with Narcissism seems to be 'cranked up', so that they delete MORE information than people who don't have Narcissism. Their brain seems to simply rewrite the "story" to match how they want it to look and sound.
 So when a person with severe Narcissism is finished raging at a target, if and when the target expresses anger, sadness, or fear, the person with Narcissism often acts shocked or humiliated that the target is "IMPLYING" that their behavior and speech was not exemplary, well-mannered and logical.

This kind of deletion process can occur in people who have other issues such as severe stress or PTSD (or brain injury) and it can appear as Narcissism. It can also occur as a result of drug influence; as a brief example, most adults can recall a time where either they or someone they knew didn't remember clearly what they said or did (or at all) after having too much alcohol.

Since it seems that this deletion process is actually a brain "malfunction", this is yet another trait/behavior that appears to be neurological, not simply psychiatric, and therefore needs to be studied much more closely, and treated accordingly by health professionals.

Self Improvement

Self-improvement of any kind is often uncomfortable, even painful, because it requires looking at ourselves in a direct light, and looking right at our mistakes, flaws, avoidance and ego issues.

This is why we all seem to have a such a hard time really doing it; as individuals, in friendships, as couples, as families, as communities, as organizations, and as cultures and nations.

Looking at ourselves and reviewing what we keep screwing up can hurt, especially in a non-supportive environment. In a bullying environment, it can even be dangerous, so we may avoid it altogether.

We can make more progress with any kind of self-improvement if we feel safe and secure, and if we're in a safe and trusted support network, with people who will remain supportive and not try to sabotage our efforts, or try to take the opportunity to control and judge.

Strangely, happiness and fulfillment itself can actually be painful for some people, for various reasons, and therefore they may subconsciously sabotage themselves when they try to focus on improving their own lives and selves. As a brief example, a person who was very happy as a young child, but "lost everything" in their later youth due to tragedy or abuse, may experience real pain when they approach the feeling of happiness they once had, because it reminds them of the loss they experienced which was very painful. This can be overcome, with work and effort.

Who Is "Allowed" To Be Logical, Analytical, Straightforward and Non-submissive?

Playing character roles that are created and assigned by someone else is typical for people who live in a community or family that has a large amount of control issues, narcissism, and/or a lack of mature leadership.

One person is "allowed" to be Logical and Analytical, but another person is not; their character role is supposed to played as emotional, self-deprecating, and less experienced or knowledgeable.

These roles, again, have been assigned to certain individuals according to SOMEONE ELSE'S stereotype issues, racism issues, gender issues, and class issues.

Any kind of physical trait will "land you a certain role" in such an environment. And your original role will be "tweaked" according to the different traits you apparently have.

For example if you are a male, you will be assigned a certain character role that all males are assigned. But then, your assigned character role will be tweaked according to your other physical traits (and the assumptions others make about them);
such as your:

Height
Weight
Skin Color
Hair Cut
Facial Features
Shoulder Width
Bone thickness
Voice Tone
Speech Pattern
Words Said Out Loud
Body Language
Mannerisms
Facial Expressions

and then of course you can add to the stereotyping with the clothing and other appearance attributes you choose, and the vehicle you drive. Many males BUY INTO, GO ALONG WITH the character roles that others have created for them and put on them, and will try to make their IMAGE FIT a certain stereotype role. For example, buying a pick up truck, especially a large one, is a common behavior that males who want to be seen as "masculine" can often be seen doing. Your employment will also enter into the equation, as well as your academic record. Even your facial hair will play into the character role that others (controllers) will try to place on you.


This is GOING TO HAPPEN, whether you think it's fair or not, whether it's "right" or not, because there are SO MANY people who are either Controllers, who try to MAKE other people follow certain roles according to their sex, race, etc., etc., AND because there are SO MANY people who BUY INTO these character roles, and go along with it; both for themselves and toward others.

We all have a choice when we become self-aware, and that choice is about going along and conforming to the expectations of those around us (including our families, some people we thought were nice, and including the "cool" crowd who we thought were non-conformists...)
OR...
being true to ourselves, who we really are, and learning the difference between PERSONALITY and BEHAVIOR.

Conforming and fitting in with others is not being a "good person" or a "cool person", it's just conforming.

Acting "bad-ass" is not being a "good person" or a "cool person" either, it's just acting "bad-ass".

It's just ACTING.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better...

There is a funny old song that makes fun of immaturity and Narcissism. It's supposed to be sung with two people, and it goes:

Person A: "Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you."
Person B: "No you can't!"
Person A: "Yes I can."
Person B: "No you can't!"
Person A: "Yes I can."
Person B: "No you can't!"
Person A: "Yes I can, yes I can....!"

In understanding Narcissism, this song is important and can be used to put one's self in both the shoes of a NON-Narcissist, and the point of view of a person who is afflicted with Narcissism.
~(A child who has a "Narcissistic point of view" is simply immature, and needs more time, guidance, and positive behavior modeling from respectful, mature adults.).

From the point of view of a NON-Narcissist, a relatively mature person who is in sound mind and spirit, this song is a light-hearted, humorous game that pokes fun at human immaturity, selfishness, and ego.
It's FUNNY! And FUN! And cute! It makes one giggle, at least smile, when singing it, especially when sung with another person.

But from the point of view of a person who is afflicted with Narcissism, this song hits very close to home, and is more like a theme song of how they view the world.
It can ALSO be experienced by a Narcissist as MAKING FUN OF THEM, PERSONALLY, because this really is how they feel.

To a person with Narcissism, everyone is either "better than" or "not as good as" others or themselves. Everything is a comparison. The things they do, the way they look, the skills they've learned, their friendship ties, their achievements, their gender, their ancestry, their height and weight, etc etc. Everything for the average Narcissist is an indication of being a better person or a worse person.

This song represents how a person with Narcissism thinks, in a simplified but pretty accurate way. If they can't do something BETTER than you, they take it as a blow to their own ego. They feel "humbled", or they feel CHALLENGED in a negative way, as if you are BRAGGING about yourself by doing something well, or knowing about something, and TRYING TO MAKE THEM LOOK or FEEL BAD.

Narcissists take other people's abilities, assets, and recognitions as an INSULT to THEMSELVES.

Even if the person is a family member, a child, or a "friend".

Because, everything is about them, even another person's skills and abilities.

Narcissists tend to take other people's confidence in themselves as either ARROGANCE or DELUSION.
This is because they don't know the difference between confidence and arrogance, so they see other people's healthy confidence as haughtiness (and are inclined to identify with arrogant people as if they're down-to-earth or more intelligent).
And also because, if they don't believe a person is capable of being "good at" or knowledgeable about something, (usually due to superficial physical appearances), then they see the person as being delusional when they exhibit confidence in themselves, and confidence in their ability.