What do Narcissists seek in a romantic partner, business partner, employee, or friend?
Cross the word "Partner" out first. Narcissists are not interested in
being "equal" with anyone. Everyone else, to them, is either "above" or
"below", either a Leader or a Follower, either a Boss or a Subordinate,
either the Star of the show or the Star's assistant, either the Main
Attraction or an audience member.
SINCE in their minds everyone is either The Leader or The Follower, the
Diva or the Groupie, the Expert or the Novice, they usually prefer to be
one rather than the other.
That being said, what, again, do Narcissists seek in others?
~Willingness to play second-fiddle (or third, or fourth, just never first) at all times, in every situation.
~Willingness to be treated as an unimportant, less valuable person.
~Willingness to give up one's own aspirations, goals, and plans in
order to be the Narcissist's assistant, support system, tool-fetcher,
caregiver or audience member.
~Willingness to drop whatever one is doing at any time in order to fulfill someone else's requests.
~Willingness to feign a lack of knowledge, experience, and ability in order to allow the Narcissist, and/or someone else connected to them, to always feel superior.
~Willingness to be left behind, left out, ignored, unacknowledged, invalidated on a regular basis, diminished as a person.
~Willingness to pretend to believe bold-faced lies and obvious b.s.
~Willingness to put up with insulting, inconsiderate, impolite, rude,
crude, or even cruel behavior and speech, either on a regular basis, or
sporadically.
~Willingness to risk losing everything, including
one's remaining self-esteem, confidence, health, and dignity, for
someone else's continued comfort.
~Willingness to go along with anything and everything another person wants or says.
~Willingness to give up one's autonomy and personal liberty, regardless of what one may or may not receive in return.
~Willingness to dissolve any genuine connections that one may have with others.
~Willingness to pretend that any wrongdoing that someone else has done
didn't really happen, or go along with justifying that there was a good
reason for whatever they did or didn't do.
~Willingness to accept betrayal, and pretend it didn't happen.
~Willingness to never disagree, never speak one's own mind, never
express annoyance, anger, or frustration, and never stand up for one's
self or another against disrespect, unfairness, or abuse.
A sign that you MIGHT be dealing with a person who has Narcissism in a personal relationship:
You feel like you have to coax them to pay attention to you, to notice
positive things that you do, to remember important things about you, and
to acknowledge what you do and say.
They seem oblivious to your actual ability, accomplishments, capability, and experience, but are always ready and willing to "correct" you or give you unsolicited, unasked for "advice".
They don't seem to WANT to remember your strengths and positive
attributes; they don't acknowledge real things you DO or things you SAY.
They may even attribute "positive" things you do or say to
OTHER PEOPLE, or to themselves! ~In order to maintain their "lesser
status" image of you that they carry in their imagination.
They may also project negative traits or weaknesses onto you that have
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, that you DON'T HAVE - again, in order to
maintain their delusional "lesser status" image of you that they've
created in their mind.
People who have Narcissism don't live
in reality, they create their own, and "re-create" other people to fit
into their created illusion. Because of this, they don't even try to
learn real things about other people; not even those in their own
family, or those that they're in romantic relationships with. They will
only learn something "new" about someone (or about themselves) that's
outside of their illusion when they absolutely have to in order to
alleviate pain, fear, or discomfort, and often not even then.
Forget about who's right and who's wrong about minutia, technicalities, and morality. If they don't understand what's so important about how they treat others, then they're missing one of the main essential pieces in any and all topics of discussion on this planet. If they're missing that, then they're not going to be able to complete any puzzle they're presented with. They may think they've completed it when they've found some kind of resolution, or made something work, but they haven't, they've just made an incomplete model that will eventually fall apart or cause other problems. They're missing the most important piece: the reason the puzzle exists in the first place. That reason is the surface that's needed to construct the puzzle on. Don't argue with them when they say 'One doesn't need a surface to construct a puzzle'; they're telling you that they don't understand what you're talking about, and probably never will.
She's not in my life but still here in disguises, Dressed in her 'narc' black cloak, She creeps up behind me, when life tries to find me to tell me that I am a joke.
All those years I believed her, Her cold words they cut deeper, She engraved a vast space in my heart, She lives there most days and slowly plays games till I shut myself off in the dark.
I'm a daughter, A DAUGHTER, a narcissists daughter! "Its all my own fault don't you know?! I am crazy and angry and weird and I'm lazy, Im useless, not worthy of love" Thats called 'Gaslighting' So cruel when your fighting Just for your own mothers love.
..AND Her screaming silence, Was worse than pure violence, Which would happen most days, thats alot. And these emotions berate me, They come back just to break me, and tell me I'm something I'm not.
So I MUST be stronger, Im a lady, a soldier, To be distant, use my gift and pray,
.... Amanda I love you, There's no one above you, Behold this creation you've made.
Controllers, especially those with Narcissism, are looking for social signals from others. They look for body language, facial expressions, speech patterns, tones, and actual words that convey messages such as:
"I believe what you say",
"I think you're wonderful",
"I look up to you",
"I can't wait to follow your lead",
"I see you as an Expert, as extremely experienced"
"I see you as very strong, stronger than me"
"You intimidate me"
"I admire you"
(The classic Narcissist's favorite social signals look or sound something like):
"I am awed by your: star-quality...talent...beauty...skill...physique...knowledge...wisdom...saintliness...abilities... goodness...leadership...etc"
There are levels to this. They may say or do things to see how a person will react if they don't show the signals right away.
Once they see the first signals, they look for more and more as time goes by, such as:
"I will willingly follow and believe you without question or doubt"
"I value your opinion, your wants and needs ABOVE MY OWN"
"I accept you as my superior, and I see myself as your inferior"
"Please LET ME BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOU...you don't have to be supportive of me in return, or treat me with genuine respect"
"I don't have any expectations of you, but I don't mind that you have many expectations and rules for me"
and also, a person's apparent 'values' and beliefs:
"I think being a GOOD PERSON is to serve others before caring for my own health and well being"
"I think it's BAD to think of one's own needs and goals"
"I think being a GOOD person is making up excuses for other people's actions, 'sticking up for them' at ALL TIMES regardless of what they did, and helping them to cover up all of their mistakes, including abusing other people and committing crimes."
When a person does NOT give these types of submissive or admiring social signals from the start, a Controller may feel like the person is not worth targeting, so they don't keep expending effort or energy. They may try to diminish the person with direct insults, or with obvious ignoring and impolite, uncivil behaviors. They may "drop" the person, reject the person, and often try to ostracize them from any mutual business or social circles.
When a Controller had their sights set on a specific person, but the person is not showing the "correct" submissive or admiring social signals, many Controllers may feel challenged and try HARDER.
They may also have a reaction of despisement toward the targeted person, and try to dominate them as if the person is an ENEMY who did something terrible to them.
IMPORTANT TO NOTE: A person can SHOW these apparent signals without actually MEANING "submission" or "admiration". Controllers and Narcissists OFTEN MISTAKE courtesy, friendliness, politeness, kindness, and encouragement for submissiveness or adulation, because they're hoping for it.
They also often misinterpret simple cultural and regional body language patterns, speech patterns, and facial expressions.
ALSO, many Controllers and Narcissists have serious problems with assumption, so they will assume that a person is automatically expressing submissiveness, or even admiration toward them, just because of the way the person happens to physically LOOK.
For a Narcissist, not getting the social signals they want from another person DOES feel like they've been "humiliated" or even "attacked". They behave defensively toward people who don't seem to recognize their "higher status", as if not treating them like Authority, Royalty, a Martyr, the Messiah, the Ultimate Expert or a Star is the same as treating them like a "servant", a "serf" or a "peasant".
This behavior can be found in normally developing children and youths. When there's a lack of mature guidance, when there's a chaotic atmosphere (can be caused by any external source including media, school, and community), or when there's an adult who's encouraging this behavior, even in an otherwise healthy atmosphere and family, young people can and do get stuck in this stage, especially since it feels like "power" and "mastery". They can and do get stuck, and they can bring it into their adulthood without growing out of it.
Controllers don't need to consciously plan out what they're going to do or say in order to establish or re-establish control over another person. They have behavioral habits that become second-nature.
Such as: When a Target brings up a topic, Controllers nearly always divert the conversation away from that topic, no matter what it is.
So if Jim says "Did you see those fire engines out front earlier?" Steve, the Controller, might reply "You should have seen the accident on I-95 yesterday! There was like 5 police cars and..." Instead of staying on the topic that Jim brought up, Steve simply changes it to HIS topic.
Another tactic is invalidation. So if Jim says "Did you see those fire engines..?" Steve the Controller might say, "What fire engines? I didn't see any, I was here all day. If there was anything major going on we would have heard about it, anyway."
Another one is invalidation with INSULT, so Steve's reply might sound like "What fire engines? I didn't see any. Don't get your panties in a knot. You should have seen the accident on the highway, that was serious..."
Insulting a Target in front of others humiliates the Target, but that's not the primary goal. The real goal is for the Controller to appear to OTHERS as "more powerful" and "higher status" than the Target. (Same goal as Chimpanzee power/status displays.)
Humans use language as an added tactic to Chimpanzee 'power' displays; successfully humiliating a Target means that the display has worked, especially if others laugh or scoff. Language displays are often used by those who feel insecure in their 'status position' in their social hierarchy. Making fun of people, insulting them, and calling them names either to their face or behind their backs are a substitute for physical displays.
That's why if YOU stand up for the person who's being insulted or trashed, YOU GET TURNED ON by the insulter (and by other equally primitive/immature onlookers), because you're "challenging" the status display, and you're 'wrecking' the intended outcome.
Narcissists are happy when they get what they want and when they feel
like they're in control, regardless of how others around them are
feeling, even if they were the cause of another's distress; often, they
feel happy BECAUSE they caused another distress, and therefore feel
"superior" or "vindicated". Non-narcissists don't desire control over
others, and are not happy when those around them are feeling badly;
especially those close to them, and especially if they were the cause of
it, whether it was intended or completely unintended.
Narcissists
are much more concerned about defending themselves and deflecting blame
than they are about another person's welfare; non-narcissists are much
more concerned about another person's welfare than "who's to blame".
Narcissists
will attack another person when they feel any hint of challenge,
embarrassment, or criticism, and feel perfectly entitled and justified
in their aggression and hostility toward another human being- they feel
justified in "using a cannon to swat a mosquito" and will not stop
defending their actions. Non-narcissists will only "attack" in defense,
and only after they've been put under enough duress that they've lost
their tolerance, or they feel literally threatened, and they'll feel
remorse for losing their temper in most cases (not all) regardless of
the events that took place. In other words, a Narcissist will feel
perfectly justified in verbally and emotionally attacking a person who
didn't agree with them about something big OR small; they don't seem to
realize that verbal and emotional attacks are simply wrong, period, no
matter what, no matter the situation, and no matter who's "right" or
"wrong". A non-narcissist, however, will usually feel remorse for losing
their temper and attacking someone even when the person did or said
something terrible to them.
Narcissists try to justify
everything they do with excuses about what other people do or say. They
don't feel remorse or guilt, they feel entitlement, vindication, and
justification. Non-narcissists simply don't do that (usually); they know
they're responsible for their own actions no matter what other people
do or say. When they do slip up and try to justify wrong or mean
actions, they feel remorse for THAT, and try to make amends.
Narcissists
are concerned about being right, being in control, feeling vindicated,
and feeling dominant, regardless of other people's welfare, well-being,
and feelings. Non-narcissists are more concerned about the welfare,
well-being, and feelings of others (and themselves) than being "right"
or "wrong", who's the boss, whether anyone gets to be in charge,
defending themselves, or "vindication".
Those who have dominance issues often target the same people, whether they're male or female. Dominance issues and behaviors are very common in humans. They're used for social ranking, for control of situations and outcomes, and for control over other individuals.
If a person's displays of dominance are convincing enough, others around them will buy into it and give them higher social status, allowing them to be a "Leader", regardless of their actual experience, knowledge, or ability. Having "dominance issues" is more like having a need to feel dominant, which translates to both a compulsion to be dominant over others (specific individuals or animals), and to avoid feeling submissive or subordinate, especially to those whom one seeks to feel dominant over.
Many humans, both male and female, for example, feel an entitlement of domination (control and superiority) toward any person smaller than they are, and also toward most (or all) females. Even if they will willingly FOLLOW the lead of certain people, they feel entitled to automatically be the Leader toward other certain people, at all times, and regardless of the situation.
Entitlement to Dominance toward another person means entitlement to NEVER "have to" do anything that implies equal cooperation, respect, following, consideration, or assisting them without being 'in charge'. Entitlement to Dominance over another person means they feel that they NEVER "have to" listen to them, cooperate with them, or do anything they say or ask, and that choosing to do that is going far out of their way, as if it's an imposition. Also, that the other person is somehow innately bound to allow them to Lead, to be the Dominant one, and to always be seen as "right" in any situation, no matter what is happening.
If a person who feels entitled to Domination over another person is not being given full "cooperation" (subordination) by the other person, they will quite often experience rage. The actual situation, and "who's right" or "who's wrong" is almost always given as an excuse for the meltdown, but the real reason is simply that they felt CHALLENGED by an apparent "subordinate".
It occurs often that a person who has dominance issues does not display any signs of it with another person for a long time, often because the person has not actually done anything to "challenge" their "authority" (dominance). A meltdown can seem to occur out of the blue, but really, it just hadn't come up yet. There was nothing that felt like a challenge, nothing that felt like they were not being obeyed, or allowed to lead, or allowed to be "right".
It's common for those who have dominance issues to also stack others into hierarchy positions. So they will put one person "over" another person in this hierarchy; for example they may put their own father "over" their mother, or their mother "over" their spouse, or one friend "over" another friend, etc. Whoever they "follow", they expect others to "follow" also, in a subordinate manner.
A flag for this is the level of anger or upset a person shows when they feel "challenged" in any way. Are they slightly disappointed or frustrated, or are they actually mad, angry, extremely upset, or in a rage? Do they reject or rage at some people who don't agree with them, or who don't allow them to always be the leader? Do they seem to hate those or wish harm on those who "challenge" them? What is the level of their reaction to not being allowed to always lead, or to be right? How do they react to someone else being a Leader, either in formal situations, or even in conversation ~ especially when the person is smaller, or is female, or is of a different ancestry, or is a romantic partner?
Those with Dominance entitlement or compulsion will have no problem trying to publicly humiliate, raging at, or rejecting a person who refuses to allow them to dominate them; even a person who simply seeks an equanimous relationship, regardless of what the relationship is. They don't want a cooperative, equal relationship, they want entitlement to dominance over the other person; they want the other person to be their subordinate.
Since it's an internal issue, not a consciously planned action, they will do it in a business setting as well as social situations, and in personal relationships.
Dominance issues can of course be worked on, but the person would have to actually want to do it. Most people who have them mistake it for confidence and leadership, so they think it's an asset. They may fear that without it, they'll lose their leadership abilities, which of course is not true, but they don't know that. Many others believe that they deserve to feel that way (dominant) because they believe they're "right", or that they're actually superior.
The "Status Quo" of any culture is maintained by controllers, so those who don't fit in are targeted. This can be seen in most human cultures, smaller communities, groups, and families.
It is Controllers who lead the "hammering down" of the "nail that sticks out", it's not something that "just happens".
First, children who are seen behaving outside of the very small window of compliance are usually targeted with facial expressions and intonations from adults around them. Approval and disapproval tones, expressions and words are used to teach and guide infants in a genuine way, about right and wrong, safe or unsafe, and polite or impolite. But the same tones, expressions, and words are used to "correct" and "guide" babies and young children to comply with stereotypes, and conditioned submission to social control signals. In other words, a little girl may be subtly admonished for trying to walk all the way across the room and grab a toy from the table, but a little boy may be smiled at and given obvious approval for the exact same action. A little boy who puts on a hat at the store may be subtly scolded or given disapproval expressions, but a little girl who does the same thing may be smiled at and encouraged.
Then, they are conditioned using control tactics such as taking toy trucks and tools away from little girls and giving them to little boys, trying to provoke little boys to behave in a more aggressive or hyper way, or making little girls wear certain clothing that's obviously uncomfortable or they don't like, that boys are not made to wear.
These early attempts at conditioning are not done across the board, not all parents do these things. So as children get older, those who were not conditioned in this way at home, OR if they were, it didn't "take", are then targeted by those in the larger group. They are often singled out with small acts of shaming, such as making fun of a little boy who plays with dolls, or who is good at creative expression.
Then they'll directly admonish a child for displaying feelings or motivations that don't align with the "culture", such as showing care and empathy for animals, or not acting mean or dominant toward smaller children, or children of the other sex or other races.
As children get older, the acts of bullying, shame, and rejection grow more and more severe toward those who don't "fit in" with stereotypes, and who don't comply with the local Controllers' illusions of social hierarchy. Those who stand up for others against bullying, unfairness, and injustice are always targeted, especially if they don't have a larger group backing them up. Those who do anything outside of their "gender role" box are usually targeted (girls who aren't afraid of snakes, boys who don't care about sports, for example).
~~~Those who DO NOT respond with SUBMISSIVE social signaling to those who seek dominance and control are almost always targeted. They don't have to "REBEL" to get targeted, they just have to NOT SEEM TO NOTICE that a Controller is apparently "Very important", "Large and In Charge".
(If a person is not recognizing a Controller's "authority", then the person is a threat, because they aren't intimidated.)
Children who don't comply with the Controllers in a group (both adult and child Controllers) will be treated with increasingly aggressive and manipulative forms of bullying and sabotage as they grow. The older and larger a child grows, the less empathy and sympathy from others is seen, which means the less protected from bullying and manipulation the child will be in the culture or group.
This occurs in every human culture, however the less generally mature a group is, the more it occurs, and with more severity. Hence cultures that are rife with barbaric practices surviving intact, generation after generation, with little or no change, and cultures who pretend to be "equal" but desperately avoid talking about the reality of their status quo and their real-life behaviors are quite the opposite of "equal".
"The nail that sticks out is hammered down."
(Japanese proverb).
This "hammering" starts in a child's first year of life, it doesn't start in adolescence. It starts with light tapping, and grows more and more violent over time.
The WINDOW of compliance to the "Status Quo" in a given human culture or sub-group is usually VERY SMALL, as can be seen by those who live outside of a culture or group; how they dress, talk, walk, carry themselves, the way they treat one another, and what they seem to believe. However, most who live INSIDE of a culture or group seem unaware of their own conformity to one another, or to their behavior toward others in the group.
When a person can't be made to comply with the cultural Status quo, with the standing 'hierarchy', and the behaviors and the stereotypes, they are typically REJECTED from the group. People will do all kinds of things to cut the person off from social groups, social interactions, social connections, and from business connections as well. Controllers LEAD this rejection behavior, and others follow along because they're more concerned about being accepted by the group than the rejected individual's well-being.
It's NOT about the person's real character, or their "right or wrong" actions. It's about the fact that they aren't complying with those in the group who want to be in charge of the group. Gender roles and racial stereotypes are all about keeping control over others, and rejecting people for non-compliance to these roles and stereotypes, regardless of their character as a human being and how they treat others, is PROOF of that.
The fact is, in most cultures, the adult that gets "hammered down" has probably been getting "hammered" since they were very young. Many don't realize what's going on, because Controllers consistently blame the person who doesn't fit in for the ill behavior of others toward them. Many buy into the bullying and shaming tactics, believing that they're just "too weird" or "too different" for others to like them, and end up suffering from lowered self-esteem, even depression. Character is about behavior and integrity, how we treat others and how we conduct ourselves in regard to real values, not about conformity to stereotypes and roles, or complying with someone's desire for grandeur and control. Those who treat others poorly because they don't "fit in" and conform to a stereotype expectation, or because they don't go along with all of the opinions and preferences of the group, are displaying poorcharacter, not high moral character.
Some signs of emotional or mental illness in an adult, unspecified, mild to severe (may include effects of trauma) *** all emotional and mental illnesses are treatable and improvable, the brain has "neuroplasticity" :
"Numbness"; feeling unattached to one's emotions.
Having an apparent lack/absence of emotions.
Living through and inside of one's emotions, moods, and reactions.
Using substances frequently to try to stimulate or suppress emotions and moods.
Always being in some kind of intense "mood". (Not simply appearing to be in a mood, but actually being IN one, regardless of the way others are treating them, and regardless of situations and events, current, past, and future.)
Unable to NAME one's own moods or emotions. Always seem to be emotionally invested in who and what is "right",
even if the topic is completely neutral (like which kind of nail would
be best for a job, or what kind of spice to use for a recipe, or whether
Pluto is a planet or not).
Feeling justified and entitled to control others.
Rarely or never in a neutral state of mind or emotion.
Having an emotionally charged opinion about literally everything and everyone, not just about topics they're passionate about or personally involved in.
All
of their actions feel justified because that's "how they FELT at the
time"; they behave according to their emotions and moods, not according
to objective values, integrity, ethics, or principals.Incapable of objectivity; everything and every person is either "right" or "wrong", and either "good" or "bad".
"Taking sides" in any and every discussion, theory, plan, disagreement, or conflict, whether they're personally involved or not.
Creating
"sides" and "factions" where none were present in any discussion or
group that they're in, so they can be on the "good" or "right" side.
Reacting with volatility to any person who doesn't align and agree with their opinions and emotions.
Reacting with hostility, even aggression, toward any person whom they envy or feel threatened by for any reason. Always talking about how they deserve to be rewarded for how much work they do.
Frequently talking about how much they suffer from stress, but refusing to do anything constructive about it, change anything about themselves, or seek outside help to improve their own habits and thinking.
Frequently judging others negatively, seeking ways to put others down, trying to cast shame on others.
Trying to convince others to reject or turn against people in their own family, community, or associate groups with gossip, rumors, and implications. (There are no real witnesses, documents, or other proof to accusations. There may be witnesses to emotional reactions such as crying or anger, but not to the actual events that are being spread around. Usually because they didn't happen; in fact, usually, gossip and rumors are attempts to deflect real things that the gossiper has done, especially if they know proof exists.)
Reacting with volatility and opposition to nearly any topic about human behavior or psychology, or trying to shut it down.
Feeling abandoned, neglected, and abused when someone else is busy doing anything, or paying attention to someone else. Feeling justified and entitled to all behaviors, including retaliation and "vengeance", even for very trivial "slights" or "crimes", and even for NON EXISTENT ones (things that never happened, or were NOT "wrong").
Finding or MAKING UP excuses for retaliation because they get a charge, a "high" from it.
Frequently
accusing others of being emotional and dramatic for any emotional
expression, especially anger at them for something they did.
Often trying to provoke or control emotions, moods, and emotional reactions in others.
Feeling anger when another person seems to be unaffected by their provocation and control tactics.
Believing that all of one's opinions, perceptions, assumptions, judgments, and emotions are correct, and represent objective reality. Little to no self-doubt, speculation, or suspended belief.
Not the simple, easy, surface excuses, but what exactly was it that happened in your life, to you, personally, that led you to this intensely emotional reaction?
When we remove the factor of gender (and race) from people's behavior, it becomes clear that manipulation, immaturity, arrogance and abusiveness can be seen in both sexes and all races. We tend to try to group people by physical traits like ancestry, race, sex, and wealth when we feel anger or hatred, AND when we feel admiration and want someone to follow. But the FACT is that any way you group humans this way, you'll find both ends of the spectrum: incredible immaturity on one end, and beautiful wisdom on the other.
It's harder to see wisdom, because it's usually drowned out by the noise of the ignorant and pompous, even when it's trying to shout to be heard. The immature always try to out-shout and shut down those who care about others and about the world we live in.
So it may seem like a whole group of people is ignorant, manipulative, arrogant or mean, but that's because the noisy immature are always out in front, they're the ones who are seen and heard the most because they're always trying to dominate others.
Stop grouping people by PHYSICAL traits, and start looking at their actual behaviors, regardless of their sex and race. And regardless if you like them already or not. There's need for self-protection in our world, but hate just makes us ignorant.
Remember, a person who has Narcissism can't actually SEE you. They see and hear a made-up version of you, like a cartoon or a doll, or maybe a comic book character. That's why they don't give you feedback that matches what you're saying or doing; they are not actually living in the same "world" that you're living in. They're living in a world that they've created, and you are a character in that world.
Your character can't ever have the LEAD ROLE, because THEY have the Lead Role in all scenes, even the ones they're not IN. Your character is based on their imagination and how they want your character to FIT INTO THEIR WORLD, not on anything real about YOU.
They don't treat you like a real person because to a Narcissist, you're not. They are the one who "wrote" who and what you are! They don't need to FIND OUT anything about you...
They don't treat you with "respect" or CARE because you're not a "real person" (to them). More like a doll, like a GI JOE or a Barbie, or a TV character (pick a Brady Bunch character, or Little House on the Prairie... Bonanza... CSI... ER... or maybe General Hospital), or a character stereotype they like to talk about with their BUDDIES... or maybe you can be a pet, like a goldfish or a hamster. Whatever or whoever you kind of look like, whatever they can MATCH your appearance to is apparently who and what you ARE, and they will treat you according the character they've made of you FOREVER.
This is a COGNITION PROBLEM. Narcissists typically can't discern their imagination from reality.
(Except for sociopaths who can, but don't care.)
Ever notice how Narcissists don't seem to remember much detail about you? They keep treating you like you DON'T KNOW certain things, DON'T UNDERSTAND certain things, CAN'T DO certain things, or AREN'T CAPABLE of certain things? Or keep treating you like your feelings, experiences, motives, and behaviors are completely different from what they really are? >>>Because they don't CARE ABOUT details or FACTS about you. Not real ones anyway.
Narcissists don't reject
people because they actually did something wrong, like attack someone,
slander someone, steal, lie, sabotage, endanger children, or be mean.
They reject people because the person didn't agree with them, comply
with their demands, stroke their ego, let them be the superior one, give
them what they want, or because they didn't fit in with their clique.
It's important to be
aware of Narcissism because those who have it aren't trustworthy, and
tend to manipulate and abuse. They are quick to envy and have a lack of
empathy for others; they tend to lack a moral compass, and will hurt
others to get what they want. They tend to sabotage others who they
envy, they tend to use threats, to bully, gossip, lie, avoid
responsibility, cheat, steal, con, and they tend to enjoy humiliating
others and trying to destroy their reputations. Narcissists can't stand
to help others, except in cases where they see a reward in it for
themselves. They will do things that others would never think of doing
in order to get something they want, to be in control of a situation,
another person, or another person's possessions, and to maintain a
certain image.
Narcissists who are driven by envy (not all of them are, some are driven only by supply) will often target those who appear to them to have caring families and support from friends or community.
Since Narcissists don't care about actual reality, they will make sweeping assumptions regarding another person's support network based on very little superficial information.
For example, if they think a person is physically attractive, they'll often assume that everyone supports and favors the person. If the person has some kind of academic or business success, they'll often assume likewise, that the person's achievements were only possible because of support or favoritism from others. Displays of talent or skill also may incite them to envy for the same reasons; they assume that a musician who plays on stage is adored by everyone, or that an artist is treated like royalty, or that a scientist or high achieving student is given special privilege.
People who appear HAPPY, relaxed, confident, and optimistic are often assumed by enviers to have easy and privileged lives.
WEIRDLY, this can and often does happen WITHIN a small community, classroom, family, and even in the same household.
Envy is not just about the actual THING that an envier is focused on. It's also about what they think that thing IMPLIES (in their minds).
People who have injured or weakened identity issues, or who have been purposely taught stereotypes as if they're real, often DISMISS, misinterpret, and refuse to recognize certain emotions and expressions in others, due to the person's sex, coloring, size, or overall appearance.
For example, they will often misinterpret any non-joyous emotional expression coming from a MAN as "anger" or "rage". A man could be crying, soaked in tears, quite obviously sad, hurt, or consumed by grief, and the person will interpret his demeanor, expression, and even tears as "RAGE" or "anger". When men express FEAR, it's also often completely misinterpreted as "anger" or "rage".
~This can be difficult for a person who doesn't have this issue to understand, but it's real; it has to do with editing reality to make it fit inside of one's comfort and expectation zone.
Likewise, many will entirely refuse to acknowledge that a woman is expressing anger. THEY can't handle women being angry, so they just pretend that the woman's expression is something ELSE. They'll often misinterpret a woman's or girl's anger as fear, sadness, anxiety, "instability", CHASTISEMENT, or aggression.
Fear is also often misinterpreted as anger, "grumpiness", or arrogance.
This can be incredibly frustrating when one is trying to express something. Being completely misinterpreted because of another person's stereotype issues means that communication with this person is not possible. They will simply misinterpret everything you say. They'll keep treating you according to their stereotype of what you look like to them, not what you're actually SAYING.
People with this issue will often misinterpret emotional expressions, or even straight speech, from those of a different race, ancestry, or even coloring, as well as sex and age. They have a FIXED EXPECTATION in their head of what the other person is going to say, how they feel, what their motives are, and what they're going to mean when they speak. They don't have the ability to objectively or accurately interpret the other person's expression or speech.
They will even REFUSE TO RECOGNIZE HUMOR coming from certain people who don't fit the stereotype in their head of "who is funny".
They will refuse to recognize or acknowledge all kinds of things about other people because something doesn't FIT the stereotype in their head of the way the person LOOKS: their sex, their age, their ancestry, their weight, their size, their facial features, etc.
(Pro comedians know all about it, so do advertising pros, and so do Politicians).
Humans tend to try to make others "smaller". Narcissists do this to a severe degree. Most people want most OTHER people to be either on the same "status level" as themselves, or "lower status" than themselves.
The exception to this is when they've declared an individual, in their minds, as "higher status".
Using school as a metaphor, everyone is either like another kid in a classroom, a fellow classmate with similar social rank, OR they're elected to be higher status than the majority of the group like a "teacher", or a "coach", or a "principal".
(Humans in general do this, not all individual humans).
Some may remember that a lot of kids seemed extremely interested in the hierarchy of the faculty: who gets to tell who what to do, who has to follow who's "orders", and who gets to "discipline" who. They also seemed extremely interested in making sure that other classmates didn't GET or HAVE more of anything than they did: more stuff, nicer clothes, more privileges, more recognition for anything, or more credit for anything (even when they clearly deserved it).
One thing was for certain in most schools: if a fellow classmate got up in front of the class and started TEACHING the other kids in the absence of the Teacher, they would LAMBASTE that student.
It wouldn't matter if the kid was a bona fide EXPERT in the subject, and was trying to help the other kids with a subject they were struggling with and were about to take an exam on. Those kids would rather FAIL THE EXAM then recognize their fellow classmate as some kind of "Teacher".
Now, many of those kids would have no problem CHEATING off of that kid's test, nor would they have a problem with that kid giving them a cheat sheet to use during the exam. They probably wouldn't even have a problem with that kid helping them study at home.
The reason they couldn't STAND for that kid to get up in front of the class and "teach" the subject is because they are in HIERARCHY, not in rational THOUGHT, or "consciousness". They will SACRIFICE the chance to learn the subject before they FAIL the test in order to keep that kid "in his place". Which is in their imaginations.
Now, if one of the kids who regularly acted like a thug-bully, OR was a school sports "star" got up and "taught" the class in the absence of the teacher, most of the kids would ALLOW IT, because they've already accepted/recognized this kid as some kind of "authority" among them.
The reason for this is the way the kid gets treated by ADULTS. (That's why they don't just all get together and hold the bully kid down every time he/she starts treating someone like crap, the adults have given "signals" that this kid is ALLOWED to behave this way, and therefore has been given social ranking OVER the other kids.)
Hierarchy creation in humans usually obliterates rational thought, intelligent decision making, and genuine learning. And humans constantly try to create hierarchies.
There is a very big difference between positional hierarchy for decision making and action purposes, and SOCIAL hierarchy. BOTH are often found at the same time in business and government. The first is real, and OBJECTIVE (ideally), and the second is made-up, and completely SUBJECTIVE.
A quick example: in a REAL hierarchy situation, a police officer is a civilian when she or he is at a family reunion; her/his relatives behave respectfully, to EVERYONE, and so does the officer. ~In a SOCIAL hierarchy, the police officer at the family reunion behaves like he/she is in charge of everyone, like he/she has innate authority over all the relatives, and many of the relatives ALLOW IT, even respond to it, treating him/her with favoritism and "extra respect". HOWEVER, when the officer's cousin shows up who is TALLER, and ALSO a police officer, everyone defers to the taller cousin. Now, both of the officers behave as if they have innate authority over their relatives, but the taller one gets to be the "LEADER".
Both Narcissists and non-narcissists will create and perpetuate Hierarchies, little ones and huge ones, but Narcissists REALLY do it.
Human beings tend to try to create "hierarchies" in whatever group they're in, small or large. Someone is going to get elected "leader", and others are going to try to be "assistants" to the "leader", then there's going to be the majority of people in the "middle", and then there's going to be people who others try to knock down to be "low man on the totem pole", everyone's footstool, sidekick, mascot, servant, waterboy, whipping boy, kid-sister or brother, etc. THEN, even lower than that (as decided by those who feel entitled to decide) will be those who are treated like "outcasts" from the group.
OUTCASTS are important to any group with a hierarchy, because there can't be an IN-CROWD unless there's an OUT-CROWD. Outcasts are created in order to make the group seem REAL, and make the many insecure members of a group feel like they're really accepted.
Narcissists EXPLOIT the tendency for humans to create and follow hierarchies.
Why do so many human beings in this day and age continue to use physical aggression toward others on a regular basis, for everything from making money to entertainment to "solving problems"?
Why is it still so common in our species even though it's 2014, and humans having relatively high intelligence?
They don't need to do it, so why still do it?
Because.
That's all.
There's no real reason, other than it seems to get people who do it what they want sometimes, in the short term.
But what about SELF DEFENSE...
There's not much of a choice about using physical aggression to defend one's self or others when being physically attacked by someone else, unless one has super powers like becoming invisible or disappearing, or running super-fast. Mind control would help, and flying... also maybe a super-shield made of energy, or a tractor beam to hold attackers in place. Actually, that's why certain weapons were invented, for self-defense purposes. Especially against larger attackers, or multiple attackers, which used to be very common in most regions, and still are in many.
When being attacked physically, one tends to need to fight back.
But that's about DEFENSE. What about the person who's ATTACKING? Why are THEY doing that? Because.
That's pretty much it.
There's a chemical rush that humans get from physical domination displays, and humans can become addicted to it pretty easily.
There are other physiological and psychological effects that can make a human feel like they have some kind of super-strength, that they're very large, like they're extra-powerful (more than they really are), and that they are very scary and intimidating to other humans (or animals).
Even a feeling of entitlement to being an authority figure is often part of these emotional effects that can come from behaving aggressively toward others.
.
Defense and offense are two different things, but...
Those who seek the chemical high they get from aggression, but don't want to get BLAMED for being aggressive, or get a reputation of being a bully or thug, may do things to create situations where they need to defend themselves and others.
Remember "rumbles" in high school days, on the town line? Or between schools? That's what that was. There's no REASON for it, the "rivalry" was fiction, it was all exaggerated and made up.
Neighboring towns... in the same state... half of their parents were acquaintances or friends... most of them were raised with similar values, beliefs, religions... most of them would have played together a couple of years before... there was zero reality to the BIG RIVALRY.
In fact, when one looks at the situation through the eyes of science, one may notice that some of the adults in the community who have aggression-compulsions and addictions often encouraged these "rivalries", or facilitated them; allowed them to happen.
It was a bunch of kids who discovered that they could get HIGH from creating entirely baseless DRAMA and acting aggressively toward other kids. Often, a couple of kids would instigate the whole thing, exaggerating drama massively, trying to rile up other kids so they'd follow along and participate.
Unfortunately and tragically, sometimes these "rivalries" would get carried away, and serious injuries and deaths have occurred many, many times, in many communities and many generations.
There are MANY kids who have no choice but to grow up in the midst of violence, but that's due to ONE THING: because many of the adults around them are always either acting aggressively, or having to defend themselves and their kids against other humans' aggression behaviors.
It's not strange at all for a child who grows up in an environment where adults are violent and hostile to develop defensive behaviors, to become normalized to aggression, or to find out that one can get a "rush" from aggressive behavior, since they'll probably end up having to defend themselves or someone else sooner or later. It's not strange, either, or RARE, for a child to MIMIC hostile and aggressive behavior of adults around them, and to MIMIC and internalize the adults "reasons" and rationale for their continuous, ever-present aggression. ~Children tend to mimic same-sex parents more because they're trying to build their own personal identities (I'm a girl so I guess I'm supposed to act like the older girls, Mom, Aunt Louise, and Ms. Johnson at school; or I'm a boy so I guess I'm supposed to act like the older boys, Dad, Uncle Ray, and Mr. Brown at school ) ~ but they also mimic the opposite-sex parent, and they continue to mimic other adults around them as they grow older, both inside and outside the home.
Kids who got addicted to the effects they feel in their bodies from aggression can often grow up and keep on doing it, finding groups and situations where they feel that they can justify their aggressive behavior.
If one wants to be in fights all the time, then it's easy to find groups filled with people who also have the same desire, because there's a lot of people who also want to fight all the time. If a person joins a group that's always being challenged or even persecuted by others, then not only will they get to fight, but they'll feel like they're on "defense" instead of "offense".
Humans do this with other individuals too, seeking men and women who have apparent hostility and dominance issues to hang out with or even date.
MANY seek out potential "partners" or platonic "friends" who look like easy targets for dominance and aggression.
Sadly, many get their aggression high from being abusive to their own children, elderly or other relatives, and pets as well.
LOTS of people do it with sports, either participating or being a spectator. They can get their fix from any kind of sport that has rivalry and direct competition. It's definitely not just Hockey...
Baseball, for example, used to be a national pastime, a civilized, fun game for all to play. It's actually against the law to discriminate against female players in Youth leagues, has been for decades. But over years those with aggression addiction have added more and more DRAMA to Major League Baseball (yes, it's on purpose, it sells tickets and boosts ratings), more "macho" male bias (also for reasons of drama), and more dramatic aggression, hostility, and RIVALRY between not only teams, but also players, coaches, umpires, owners, and everyone else involved in the League.
Some people join Gangs so they can always be plugged in to opportunities for aggression.
Some people join Crime rings, organized or otherwise, so they can keep getting a fix.
~Some get JOBS that will ensure they keep getting the opportunity; some of those jobs might surprise many people (most of them require dress clothes or a uniform, and many require a college degree).
Some take up certain sports or hobbies, or become avid (a.k.a. rabid?) FANS.
Some hobby/interest groups admit that they're about aggression addiction, and participation is voluntary and adult only, but many try to pretend they're not; Some of those are very illegal, even downright disgusting, sick, and evil (like sex trafficking, dog fighting, "sport" animal or human hunting).
Some join religious or ANTI-religious groups.
Some join Political parties, groups, "causes" and factions in order to get their aggression-high-fix.
Some join groups that are supposedly about human rights or animal rights, but are really just opportunities to get a RUSH from acting aggressively and displaying dominance and hostility.
Not everyone with an aggression-rush addiction is obvious about it, or pursues relationships or social groups/communities, or jobs, or "hobbies".
Many humans are instead glued to the News that constantly shows aggression and violence, on all levels: personal, local, national and global, and to TV Shows and films that are LOADED with aggression and violence.
There is also a HUGE amount of music of MANY genres that's blatantly serving, catering to, and exploiting aggression and dominance addicts.
IT'S EVERYWHERE BECAUSE SO MANY HUMANS ARE FULL BLOWN ADDICTS.
A predominant "Addict" behavior is DENIAL of one's addiction. Many addicts will become very defensive about their "drug of choice", and even about the existence of it.
(Marijuana users will often passionately defend pot as non-addictive, but so will painkiller users.)
There is very little on Earth that Humans CAN'T become addicted to: one of those things might be air, needing it to biologically survive doesn't count as an addiction. But then again, there are people who really, really seem to like bottled oxygen, even if they don't need to use it for health reasons.
The effects Humans get from aggression can be intense, and span many emotions and levels.
It can give a person a sense of "confidence" that they don't feel otherwise.
It OFTEN gives a person a skewed feeling of self-righteousness and strength.
It can give a person a feeling of LIBERATION, and that can become quite addictive; feeling liberated from oppressive circumstances or people feels fantastic. Some become so addicted to feeling "liberated" that they may put themselves in situations and relationships that have a high potential for toxicity, and therefore they will need once again to "liberate" themselves from another oppressive situation, using aggression.
There are many reasons that humans become addicted to the physiological effects received from AGGRESSION, which INCLUDE the "high" they often get from other people's reactions to their aggression and dominance behaviors. Many become SO addicted that they AVOID even easy civil
resolution of conflicts, either in personal relationships, or with
"rival" groups and businesses, or with governmental issues, and even
create dramatic "reasons" for opportunities to practice hostility,
aggression, or violence.
All Narcissists seek to gain and keep LEVERAGE. Not just in business, or actual competitions and contests, but in all things, all areas of life, personal or otherwise.
Having leverage means one feels that they have an advantage over others, control over others, and a higher vantage point.
When we get the feeling that someone who is supposed to be in our corner WANTS us to fail, or LIKES IT when we run into trouble or hardship, LIKES IT when it looks like we've been rejected by others, LIKES IT when someone else treats us poorly, or LIKES IT when we're "caught" or even falsely accused of making a mistake, screwing up, or doing something wrong, that feeling we have might be accurate.
If the person has Narcissism, then it's probably spot-on accurate, even if the person is a relative, partner, or "friend".
A target's difficulty, large or small, is a Narcissist's gain.
When we get to the level of psychotic Narcissists, we see them
justifying and rationalizing acts of conning, serious vandalism,
destruction of both human and natural environments, oppression, physical
violence, abuse, sabotage, extortion, kidnapping, organized crime, drug
cartels, sex trafficking, weapons dealing, cult and gang creation,
sexual abuse, torture, animal abuse, murder, and all of these things in
the name of "government", "religion", "civic groups", "business", and
even supposedly "freedom" (which translates to POWER for their OWN
selves, group, and faction, not "freedom" for anyone else). Those who are NOT NARCISSISTS
who hold government office or who are civic or religious leaders do not try to
make those who aren't in complete agreement with them look or sound like
"bad people", and they certainly don't try to CONDEMN others or spread
hatred, racism, sexism, anti-religious hatred, religious hatred, or violence. NON-NARCISSISTS DO NOT JUSTIFY VIOLENCE OR ABUSE, either from themselves or from others. Non-Narcissists seek many different points of view, and as much information as they can gather, in order to form neutral solutions and compromises that are in the best interest of the whole group, not just in the interest of certain people who agree with their own beliefs, opinions, and agendas. (Making those who disagree with all of their agendas, opinions, and ideas into "bad people" is a very childish control and power tactic that apparently works on a lot of people.)
Self-righteousness. Most Narcissists not only live their lives through it, but are also addicted to it. They don't feel worthy unless they feel superior to someone else. In order to feel superior, they need to justify their actions and motivations, and condemn others.
A Narcissist will justify and elevate behaviors and actions for themselves, and condemn someone for doing or saying the exact same things.
They will also project their OWN negative behaviors and motivations onto others who DO NOT do those behaviors, or have those motivations. Projection is related to the addiction to self-righteousness.
So for example when a Narcissist spends $200.00 at a Salon, they NEEDED to that, it was important for their life. But when someone else spends money at a Salon, even a little, they're WASTING money and acting like a "diva". So... the same behavior is GOOD and NECESSARY for the Narcissist, even when it's exorbitant, but "BAD" when another person does it.
(When we speak of "Narcissism", we're talking about adults, not young people who have not had enough time or experience to learn and grow out of the usual human youthful immaturity and arrogance, learn to separate themselves from the influence of others, feel responsible and confident for themselves, learn more about adulthood and the effects of decisions, or figure out what they've been taught "wrong", what they've been taught "right", and what they've misinterpreted while growing up.)
People who have Narcissism can do this justification and self-righteousness with anything at all. They'll justify all of their OWN spending money, time, and attention on clothes, shoes, fine dining, work, vacations, jewelry, furniture, pets, relaxation, electronics, cars, toys, games, alcohol, even illegal drugs (depending on the individual's habits), and condemn others for any or all of the same exact behaviors and actions, projecting "bad" motives and intentions on the person, but putting all "good" motives and intentions on themselves.
They will justify any of their behaviors, actions, and speech in the same way. They might say that they "HAD TO" do whatever it was, that they "had no choice". Or that they were PUSHED to do or say whatever it was. Or that they COULDN'T HELP IT, or that whatever they did or said was NECESSARY. However, when someone else does or says the exact same thing, they can quickly and easily condemn the person, apparently with no memory of JUSTIFYING it when THEY said or did it.
Infidelity is a very common behavior that Narcissists will JUSTIFY for themselves, but CONDEMN others for (because it's another "supply", like a drug). Narcissists will do this even when the other person is NOT guilty of it. (Projection). They'll twist their own behavior into "innocent" ("I did not have sex with that woman!" ~ Bill Clinton) and make whatever they DID DO into being about what they DIDN'T DO... "Well, I look at porn every day, but I don't actually cheat with real people" ... or... "Well, we did have an internet affair, but we never had sex in person"... or "We made out, but we didn't have intercourse"... or "So what if I do video sex chat, that's not in real life, so it's not cheating".
They'll JUSTIFY infidelity by blaming OTHER PEOPLE for it, either their own partner, or the person's partner whom they're cheating with. "My wife/girlfriend is cold and 'frigid', so I needed affection and comfort." OR "His wife/girlfriend is crazy, you can't blame him." OR "Her husband/boyfriend is a jerk, she needed comfort." But let their OWN partner cheat, (or NOT cheat, even just speak to someone of the opposite sex in a normal, friendly way, or maybe not even do THAT), and the Narcissist will CONDEMN THEM to HIGH HEAVEN, often SMEARING THEM to anyone and everyone. (A Narcissist can literally project an entire fictional scenario onto a person who is completely innocent of it. Sometimes these projected scenarios are from the Narcissist's own behavior, sometimes from the past, someone else the Narcissist knew, sometimes it's from a fictional STORY, not from real life, like a TV show or film, and sometimes it's ENTIRELY fictional, from their own imaginations.)
This is again about Self-righteousness and superiority, and also an addiction to projecting blame onto others for anything and everything. A Narcissist will not say "I did that, I feel bad about it, I'm sorry for what I did, I wish I could change the decision I made, I wish I could go back and undo or re-do that." Because they CAN NOT ADMIT that they did ANYTHING WRONG. Everything is always someone else's fault, including ALL of their own behaviors and actions, LITERALLY someone else's fault. As in "She made me cheat on her." or "He made me punch him." or "She made me hit her" or "He made me get road rage" or "They made me steal that money." or "She made me talk to her/treat her that way."
They can not, can not, can not take real responsibility for their actions, behaviors, or words, or admit that something they said or are doing is wrong. Taking responsibility would mean admitting frailty, flaws, and just being a regular human, not some kind of Royal God or Goddess, or some kind of Saint, or some kind of Martyr, or Hero, or Guru, or SuperMan, Wonderwoman, Cowboy, Superstar, Savior, Supergenius, etc.
ANYTHING THEY DO and say that could be construed as bad, as a flaw, or even as a MISTAKE, was "FOR A SPECIFIC REASON", or is someone else's fault, or because they "had no choice".
Even further, they will PROJECT their OWN "perfectionism/blame avoidance" onto others, especially targets, and then CONDEMN THEM for it.
When we get to the level of psychotic Narcissists, we see them justifying and rationalizing acts of conning, serious vandalism, destruction of both human and natural environments, oppression, physical violence, abuse, sabotage, extortion, kidnapping, organized crime, drug cartels, sex trafficking, weapons dealing, cult and gang creation, sexual abuse, torture, animal abuse, murder, and all of these things in the name of "government", "religion", "civic groups", "business", and even supposedly "freedom" (which translates to POWER for their OWN selves, group, and faction, not "freedom" for anyone else). Those who are NOT NARCISSISTS who hold government office or who are religious leaders do not try to make those who aren't in complete agreement with them look or sound like "bad people", and they certainly don't try to CONDEMN others, or spread hatred, racism, sexism, anti-religious hatred, religious hatred, or violence. NON-NARCISSISTS DO NOT JUSTIFY VIOLENCE OR ABUSE, either from themselves or from others. Non-Narcissists seek many different points of view, and as much information as they can gather, in order to form neutral solutions and compromises that are in the best interest of the whole group, not just in the interest of certain people who agree with their own beliefs, opinions, and agendas. (That's a very childish control and power tactic that apparently works on a lot of people.)
