Unfortunately
people with Narcissism, or just a lack of maturity, are all around us.
If we ever want to leave the house, or our bedroom in some cases, we are
going to have to deal with interacting with them. Being in a detached
state of mind can be very helpful, so you're objective and removed from
their social signals and games.
Don't look them in the eye very much, and only if you need to for conversation purposes, or to acknowledge them for a reason.
Don't take their tone of voice too seriously, or let it affect you.
Don't take the bait when they are fishing for an emotional response from you.
Expect that they will be condescending, insulting, or sarcastic, and ignore it when they do it.
Don't react, don't take their words personally, whether or not they are obviously trying to provoke you.
Don't engage their attempts at social manipulations, such as:
domination displays (staring you down, puffing themselves up, walking
into your personal space, gesturing in your face).
Don't react when
they talk over you, interrupt you, or raise their voice, just repeat
what you were saying originally, and only if you really need to get your
message across to them because it's about something important.
Basically, remembering that those who have Narcissism or developmental
delays really are not mature enough to "know better". They might be
doing a lot of their behaviors on purpose, in order to try to make you
smaller, or themselves bigger, but a mature adult wouldn't do that
because they would know and understand WHY.
Without the
understanding of WHY we treat others with respect, courtesy, care, and
manners, the less mature person tends to believe that all those
"manners" are either faked, or pointless, or because of weakness or
shyness.
A Real Life experience to demonstrate:
A
couple of years ago, I was bringing someone to a local hospital for
chemo treatments. We were both frankly shocked by the loud, boisterous
atmosphere in the chemo area. It might have been a good thing, making it
less gloomy, IF the volume level was raised because of good moods from a
polite, outgoing staff, but that was not the case. The staff was not
just loud, but also rude, both toward one another and toward patients,
and companions of patients. It was a "bully" atmosphere, where the
louder a person was, the more important they obviously thought they
were, and the less respect and courtesy they showed toward others.
After about a half hour of my trying to get someone's attention, and get
them to stop talking loudly, OVER me, OVER one another, and acknowledge
my presence, I finally raised my voice and got their attention. The
person I had brought had been very sick over the weekend, and needed to
be examined before being given Chemo, but they didn't want to hear
ANYTHING from anyone but themselves, so they nearly started him on a
heavy duty Chemo drip before giving him a more thorough exam. If I
hadn't been there, he could have died that day, he was completely
dehydrated; after a doctor finally examined him, they rushed fluid and a
blood transfusion to him, and admitted him to an inpatient room.
The next day I visited; he was groggy and unsure of what was supposed to
happen. I went to the nurse's station and asked them what what planned
for him, and what his status was, and explained that he was unsure and
groggy. The response I received practically blew the skin off of my
face, "HE KNOWS WHAT THE SCHEDULE IS AND WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" the nurse
SNARLED into my face. Since the person was a close relative of mine, I
was already very upset and that was the last straw for me, I shouted
back at the Nurse, and demanded to see the Supervising Nurse on the
floor. Eventually she visited the room and asked what was wrong (she
seemed calm and polite), so I explained what was going on; she
apologized, and said she would speak to them and pay closer attention.
After a short while, another Nurse came into the room and apologized for
the general rudeness, but then tried to put the blame on ME, saying
"You make yourself small". Frankly I was stunned, but after a few
minutes I realized what I was dealing with; the entire hospital had
adapted a CULTURE of bully behavior and status-displays. There were
enough bullies and immature staff members to actually influence nearly
the entire staff to accept this sort of behavior, and even make it the
"NORM". Those staff members who did not fit in, who maintained their
civility, manners, and respect for others and for patients, were treated
with disrespect and disdain.
More than once, I witnessed
arguments between staff about who did what, who forgot what, what kind
of medicine a patient was supposed to get, what the schedule was, and
who was "supposed to" be doing something. This behavior was both in the
Chemo area, and in the inpatient areas of the hospital.
The
defensiveness of the staff both toward each other and toward the
patients belied their insecurity and lack of competence and skill, and
also their desire to be on the GIVING END of the Bullying instead of on
the RECEIVING END.
In a Bully Culture, it's bully or get bullied.
The entire time I was there with my relative, I saw only ONE Nurse or
Nurse assistant who knew how to do proper bed changing and proper
patient lifting. (Of course they would assume that I didn't know how,
after all I'm short...oh yeah and I make myself small...so therefore I
must be shy and intimidated by them, and by their importance...)
I
suspected that the nurse who was skilled in lifting and changing
patients had worked somewhere else before this job, and I was right; she
had previously worked in a couple of nursing homes. She was competent,
and she had MANNERS and CIVILITY, because she had confidence in her
skills and ability, and also in herself, apparently.
Because
of her manners and courteous disposition, I was able to COMMUNICATE with
her about my relative's condition, and his needs and wants, and she was
able to COMMUNICATE with me, instead of trying to bark statements at
me, boss me around, talking over me, "correcting" me, or avoiding me
"catching her" not doing her job.
Further along, I found out
from an orderly that the hospital had done several local recruitments
for employees, and trained those employees on site. So the CULTURE that
so many bullies in the hospital were cultivating was being projected
directly onto new recruits during their job-training. Also, it's a
teaching hospital, so interns were all getting the same "cultural
conditioning".
I would have liked to see my relative go to a
different hospital, but he didn't want to change, and was worried about
his insurance. So that was beyond my control.
