Do not use television or film characters as role models for acceptable human behavior, or how adults are supposed to act. It's entertainment, it's dramatized on purpose. The characters are created to be overly dramatic in order to keep it interesting, so people will keep watching. It's the same with any other entertainment medium, including music, news, politics, and obviously sports.
Christianity Is About...
If
you think Christianity is about controlling or judging others, or
"sending people to hell", you have it completely backwards.
Somebody told you wrong, and you just believed it, apparently.
Huh, sounds a lot like the way people like to believe rumors about people they know.
Somebody told you wrong, and you just believed it, apparently.
Huh, sounds a lot like the way people like to believe rumors about people they know.
Anger Vs. Aggression And Power
Anger is an emotion, it's not a behavior.
In a mentally/emotionally healthy person, anger usually occurs when one has been hurt, betrayed, or otherwise violated in some way by another.
The way a person expresses anger is under their own control.
Healthy expression of anger can only occur when a person is not being oppressed and controlled by others.
Anger expression is not the same as aggressive or threatening behavior; they're two different things.
Expression of anger looks like an expression of POWER to those who use it that way themselves, and also sometimes to those who still have trauma issues from past experiences.
When a person is being oppressed by another, or by others, they are often not "allowed" to express their feeling of anger, because anger expression is a PRIVILEGE of STATUS that only those who are in positions of power are free to display.
Literally, because those in such groups equate anger expressions with POWER DISPLAYS.
Therefore, those who see themselves as higher status are the only ones who get to display and express anger, even in a polite way.
~Many who come from dysfunctional groups/families/communities think that anger and aggressive behavior are the same thing.
That's like saying joy and jumping into the air like Snoopy are the same thing, or that fear and screaming at the top of one's lungs like a yodeling banshee are the same thing. Emotion is emotion, and behavior is behavior; one influences the other, but they are two separate things.
One's emotions only directly dictate one's behavior and actions IF one has emotional or mental illness that has not been recovered from or treated, or if one has not been guided in separating their emotions from their behaviors during childhood.
PTSD triggers are not the same as emotions; diving under a table when one sees a weapon, or their ex, is a PTSD triggered behavior, for example, "fight, flight, or freeze". However untreated PTSD can and does cause serious problems both for the sufferer and for those around them, like other disorders do.
While most healthy people don't completely separate their emotions from their behavior, and occasionally let their feelings "run away with them", they do take responsibility for it, and they can control their actions to a relatively high degree, including the way in which they express their feelings of anger.
Weak Like Me
People
who identify themselves as being a member of a greater Hierarchy, such
as in the larger community and/or a smaller group, tend to identify
OTHERS also as fitting into this Hierarchy.
They will project "status" onto others, as well as roles, limitations, and expectations.
Since they believe that the Hierarchy is real, they assume that everyone else also lives within the same beliefs and parameters.
So for example, if they are a woman, and they think women have certain limitations, they will project those limitations onto OTHER women, as well as themselves. If they think that women are secondary in status to men, they will project THAT onto other women also. Whatever "roles" they think women are supposed to play, they will project those expectations onto other women and younger girls.
If and when they see a woman who does not comply with their roles and expectations, they may perceive her to be some kind of "rebel", or "freak", or "deviant". (In other words, if women are physically weak and don't do manual labor or trades in their world, then a woman who is physically strong, or who does manual labor or a trade is a freak, or is being deviant.Or, they may simply dismiss that the woman is capable of those things altogether, as if pretending it isn't so will make it go away.)
Obviously, men who live in the same belief that a Hierarchy exists around them, and that they're a member of it, will also project that onto others, both men and women alike.
If the "hierarchy" has men in higher status positions, it's easy to see why a man would want it to be real. Women often also want it to be real, however, even if the "hierarchy" makes them secondary to men, because that's just what they've always believed to be real.
So they've built their lives and their identities around those beliefs. Letting go of those beliefs may be too frightening and even painful for them.
They don't seem to have any idea that "Hierarchies" are constructs of the human imagination, and will follow along with whatever they perceive to be "how things are" or "how things are supposed to be". They will often try to force this "Hierarchy" onto others, and even try to "discipline" or SHAME those who don't seem to go along with it. Those who don't go along with the status and the hierarchy are actually threats to keeping the fantasy alive, because they're living outside of the parameters, and still quite "alive", sometimes even thriving.
Imaginary social "Hierarchy" such as is often found in communities and other groups has nothing to do with manners or civility, and in fact is a threat to progress, quality of life, and the well-being of people in the group or community.
They will project "status" onto others, as well as roles, limitations, and expectations.
Since they believe that the Hierarchy is real, they assume that everyone else also lives within the same beliefs and parameters.
So for example, if they are a woman, and they think women have certain limitations, they will project those limitations onto OTHER women, as well as themselves. If they think that women are secondary in status to men, they will project THAT onto other women also. Whatever "roles" they think women are supposed to play, they will project those expectations onto other women and younger girls.
If and when they see a woman who does not comply with their roles and expectations, they may perceive her to be some kind of "rebel", or "freak", or "deviant". (In other words, if women are physically weak and don't do manual labor or trades in their world, then a woman who is physically strong, or who does manual labor or a trade is a freak, or is being deviant.Or, they may simply dismiss that the woman is capable of those things altogether, as if pretending it isn't so will make it go away.)
Obviously, men who live in the same belief that a Hierarchy exists around them, and that they're a member of it, will also project that onto others, both men and women alike.
If the "hierarchy" has men in higher status positions, it's easy to see why a man would want it to be real. Women often also want it to be real, however, even if the "hierarchy" makes them secondary to men, because that's just what they've always believed to be real.
So they've built their lives and their identities around those beliefs. Letting go of those beliefs may be too frightening and even painful for them.
They don't seem to have any idea that "Hierarchies" are constructs of the human imagination, and will follow along with whatever they perceive to be "how things are" or "how things are supposed to be". They will often try to force this "Hierarchy" onto others, and even try to "discipline" or SHAME those who don't seem to go along with it. Those who don't go along with the status and the hierarchy are actually threats to keeping the fantasy alive, because they're living outside of the parameters, and still quite "alive", sometimes even thriving.
Imaginary social "Hierarchy" such as is often found in communities and other groups has nothing to do with manners or civility, and in fact is a threat to progress, quality of life, and the well-being of people in the group or community.
Each Day Is Precious
Every day of a person's life is as a precious jewel.
There are no days that are less valuable, or less important.
Not illness nor injury nor Age lessens the value of each and every day of a person's life.
As one diamond is precious and so is the next, and so on.
No day of a person's life is worthless, or a waste, or a winding down.
Children know this well; adults often forget as they grow older.
Ask a child about the value of their grandparent's lives.
There are no days that are less valuable, or less important.
Not illness nor injury nor Age lessens the value of each and every day of a person's life.
As one diamond is precious and so is the next, and so on.
No day of a person's life is worthless, or a waste, or a winding down.
Children know this well; adults often forget as they grow older.
Ask a child about the value of their grandparent's lives.
"Being Tough"
If a community, a social living group, of humans is mentally and emotionally healthy, then they would learn "toughness" from doing and learning the tasks that help the group survive and thrive.
If a community is NOT mentally and emotionally healthy, then children would be "made to get tough" in order to deal with the OTHER HUMANS' aggressive and manipulative behavior in the group.
In a healthy community, humans are focused on "dominating" and "conquering" the actual TASKS ahead of them. They may PLAY AT GAMES where they dominate and conquer one another in the game, but that's a FUN activity that's not taken seriously.
In unhealthy communities, there are large amounts of hostility and aggression between the members, because they are NOT WORKING TOGETHER FOR SURVIVAL OR PROGRESS, BUT WORKING AGAINST ONE ANOTHER FOR PERSONAL GAIN AND STATUS.
It has nothing to do with Political ideals, it's about where the FOCUS of the members of the community rests.
"Community" exists where there are a number of humans living in a region. The way they ACT and the atmosphere they CREATE is up to the members of the community.
The more bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths a community has, the more hostile the atmosphere is for ALL of the members. A hostile atmosphere breeds defensiveness and more hostility, and children born into it are immediately thrust into the climate. They grow up trying to fit in somehow, trying to avoid getting hurt and intruded upon.
Basically, if you're not surrounded by a******s, you aren't focused on "being a tough guy".
You're focused on what needs to be done, and who needs help, and what can be done to make it better, better for the future, and that includes "more fun".
If you're not surrounded by a******s, you don't grow up being told that acting like one is FUN, or funny, or cool. Nor do you develop daily habits in speech and image that let others know how "tough" you are so they won't try to dominate you with some kind of bully tactics.
If a community is NOT mentally and emotionally healthy, then children would be "made to get tough" in order to deal with the OTHER HUMANS' aggressive and manipulative behavior in the group.
In a healthy community, humans are focused on "dominating" and "conquering" the actual TASKS ahead of them. They may PLAY AT GAMES where they dominate and conquer one another in the game, but that's a FUN activity that's not taken seriously.
In unhealthy communities, there are large amounts of hostility and aggression between the members, because they are NOT WORKING TOGETHER FOR SURVIVAL OR PROGRESS, BUT WORKING AGAINST ONE ANOTHER FOR PERSONAL GAIN AND STATUS.
It has nothing to do with Political ideals, it's about where the FOCUS of the members of the community rests.
"Community" exists where there are a number of humans living in a region. The way they ACT and the atmosphere they CREATE is up to the members of the community.
The more bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths a community has, the more hostile the atmosphere is for ALL of the members. A hostile atmosphere breeds defensiveness and more hostility, and children born into it are immediately thrust into the climate. They grow up trying to fit in somehow, trying to avoid getting hurt and intruded upon.
Basically, if you're not surrounded by a******s, you aren't focused on "being a tough guy".
You're focused on what needs to be done, and who needs help, and what can be done to make it better, better for the future, and that includes "more fun".
If you're not surrounded by a******s, you don't grow up being told that acting like one is FUN, or funny, or cool. Nor do you develop daily habits in speech and image that let others know how "tough" you are so they won't try to dominate you with some kind of bully tactics.
Trying To Make You Feel Bad
If it
seems like some people in your life are trying to make you feel
emotion, such as anxious, guilty, self-conscious, worried, sad, angry,
hopeless, suspicious, jealous, envious, sympathetic, panicked, AFRAID,
humiliated, confused, powerless, or ashamed of yourself, they very well
may be doing just that.
Controllers learn young that in order to have control over other people, you first must provoke them to FEEL something, some kind of emotion. Fear works well, but so do lots of other emotions.
Hurling accusations at someone, for instance, especially when they're unfounded, is an attempt to MAKE THEM FEEL SHAME, which is literally painful, and can cause serious anxiety issues, even depression. Shame in itself is not "bad", it's an important feeling that deters destructive behavior in healthy people.
However, most mentally healthy people will feel shame when they are accused of something, REGARDLESS of whether they're guilty or not of whatever they're being accused of.
They will ALSO FEEL HUMILIATED, ESPECIALLY if the accusation is UNTRUE.
They will often also feel ATTACKED, abandoned, or ostracized, especially when the accusation is unfounded.
In other words, it's WORSE emotionally and mentally on a person who is being accused wrongly, especially if they fear that the accuser will be believed by others, and that others will turn on them.
False accusations are usually done purposely by manipulators and Narcissists. You don't hear false accusations (or slander) from non-controllers, genuine friends, or loyal, caring family members, nor do you hear many accusations at all, really, about other people from those folks.
The subconscious learns these things during childhood.
So when someone is throwing around false accusations against us, or judging us negatively, or spreading rumors about us, we KNOW what's really going on unconsciously (we're being attacked, bullied, SET UP) even when the conscious mind is confused.
Narcissists, on the other hand, feel humiliated (and therefore enraged) when they think they've been "caught" doing something wrong that's REAL, or because their IMAGE is being challenged (How DARE you even IMPLY that I would ever do such a thing! Said the thief to the police officer.)
Controllers, especially those with Narcissism (not all Controllers are "Narcissists"), often use the "Double Bind" to gain power over another.
A far too common example:
Lisa is expected to make excellent grades, and if she doesn't, she gets grounded. Lisa is very capable of high grades and Honors.
But whenever Lisa studies at home, she is interrupted with "chores" or "favors" for other people, or with needless noise (on purpose).
If she politely says "I'm studying right now", she gets chastised for being "snappy", "rebelling", or "talking back".
Also, Lisa's siblings and cousins make fun of her for getting good grades and "being smart", for which they do not get punished at all.
Lisa also gets bullied at school for being a "top student", nearly ever day; either with direct aggression or mean social games.
Those schoolmates don't get disciplined for it either, or even stopped, by school faculty.
~The adults in Lisa's life are actually Bullies themselves, still envious children emotionally, and are getting a charge out of letting other kids pick on her. So according to them, anything Lisa does is "wrong". If her grades slip, they call her "lazy" and a "loser". If she concentrates on her studies and gets good grades, she's being "stuck up", a "weirdo", a "loser", and she's supposedly being a "bad person" according to her family members, because she's studying instead of waiting on them.
Every move Lisa makes, someone is there trying to make her feel SHAME, HUMILIATION, FEAR, or ABANDONMENT.
She is in a constant "Double Bind". (Like being told to sit down and stand up at the same time).
The people around Lisa are TRYING to make her feel self-conscious, anxious, worried, left out, and bad about herself and life in general, because they envy her, or are jealous of the special treatment they THINK she is getting (from who???) because of her academic ability. When and if they succeed in their goal of giving Lisa anxiety or depression problems, they will succeed in their REAL goal of making Lisa lose her confidence and self-esteem, and therefore lose her academic performance, and even her ability.
The fact that no one is standing up for her clearly shows the level of control issues, immaturity, and narcissism in the people around her.
Controllers learn young that in order to have control over other people, you first must provoke them to FEEL something, some kind of emotion. Fear works well, but so do lots of other emotions.
Hurling accusations at someone, for instance, especially when they're unfounded, is an attempt to MAKE THEM FEEL SHAME, which is literally painful, and can cause serious anxiety issues, even depression. Shame in itself is not "bad", it's an important feeling that deters destructive behavior in healthy people.
However, most mentally healthy people will feel shame when they are accused of something, REGARDLESS of whether they're guilty or not of whatever they're being accused of.
They will ALSO FEEL HUMILIATED, ESPECIALLY if the accusation is UNTRUE.
They will often also feel ATTACKED, abandoned, or ostracized, especially when the accusation is unfounded.
In other words, it's WORSE emotionally and mentally on a person who is being accused wrongly, especially if they fear that the accuser will be believed by others, and that others will turn on them.
False accusations are usually done purposely by manipulators and Narcissists. You don't hear false accusations (or slander) from non-controllers, genuine friends, or loyal, caring family members, nor do you hear many accusations at all, really, about other people from those folks.
The subconscious learns these things during childhood.
So when someone is throwing around false accusations against us, or judging us negatively, or spreading rumors about us, we KNOW what's really going on unconsciously (we're being attacked, bullied, SET UP) even when the conscious mind is confused.
Narcissists, on the other hand, feel humiliated (and therefore enraged) when they think they've been "caught" doing something wrong that's REAL, or because their IMAGE is being challenged (How DARE you even IMPLY that I would ever do such a thing! Said the thief to the police officer.)
Controllers, especially those with Narcissism (not all Controllers are "Narcissists"), often use the "Double Bind" to gain power over another.
A far too common example:
Lisa is expected to make excellent grades, and if she doesn't, she gets grounded. Lisa is very capable of high grades and Honors.
But whenever Lisa studies at home, she is interrupted with "chores" or "favors" for other people, or with needless noise (on purpose).
If she politely says "I'm studying right now", she gets chastised for being "snappy", "rebelling", or "talking back".
Also, Lisa's siblings and cousins make fun of her for getting good grades and "being smart", for which they do not get punished at all.
Lisa also gets bullied at school for being a "top student", nearly ever day; either with direct aggression or mean social games.
Those schoolmates don't get disciplined for it either, or even stopped, by school faculty.
~The adults in Lisa's life are actually Bullies themselves, still envious children emotionally, and are getting a charge out of letting other kids pick on her. So according to them, anything Lisa does is "wrong". If her grades slip, they call her "lazy" and a "loser". If she concentrates on her studies and gets good grades, she's being "stuck up", a "weirdo", a "loser", and she's supposedly being a "bad person" according to her family members, because she's studying instead of waiting on them.
Every move Lisa makes, someone is there trying to make her feel SHAME, HUMILIATION, FEAR, or ABANDONMENT.
She is in a constant "Double Bind". (Like being told to sit down and stand up at the same time).
The people around Lisa are TRYING to make her feel self-conscious, anxious, worried, left out, and bad about herself and life in general, because they envy her, or are jealous of the special treatment they THINK she is getting (from who???) because of her academic ability. When and if they succeed in their goal of giving Lisa anxiety or depression problems, they will succeed in their REAL goal of making Lisa lose her confidence and self-esteem, and therefore lose her academic performance, and even her ability.
The fact that no one is standing up for her clearly shows the level of control issues, immaturity, and narcissism in the people around her.
Dealing With Bullies And Bully Culture
Unfortunately
people with Narcissism, or just a lack of maturity, are all around us.
If we ever want to leave the house, or our bedroom in some cases, we are
going to have to deal with interacting with them. Being in a detached
state of mind can be very helpful, so you're objective and removed from
their social signals and games.
Don't look them in the eye very much, and only if you need to for conversation purposes, or to acknowledge them for a reason.
Don't take their tone of voice too seriously, or let it affect you.
Don't take the bait when they are fishing for an emotional response from you.
Expect that they will be condescending, insulting, or sarcastic, and ignore it when they do it.
Don't react, don't take their words personally, whether or not they are obviously trying to provoke you.
Don't engage their attempts at social manipulations, such as: domination displays (staring you down, puffing themselves up, walking into your personal space, gesturing in your face).
Don't react when they talk over you, interrupt you, or raise their voice, just repeat what you were saying originally, and only if you really need to get your message across to them because it's about something important.
Basically, remembering that those who have Narcissism or developmental delays really are not mature enough to "know better". They might be doing a lot of their behaviors on purpose, in order to try to make you smaller, or themselves bigger, but a mature adult wouldn't do that because they would know and understand WHY.
Without the understanding of WHY we treat others with respect, courtesy, care, and manners, the less mature person tends to believe that all those "manners" are either faked, or pointless, or because of weakness or shyness.
A Real Life experience to demonstrate:
A couple of years ago, I was bringing someone to a local hospital for chemo treatments. We were both frankly shocked by the loud, boisterous atmosphere in the chemo area. It might have been a good thing, making it less gloomy, IF the volume level was raised because of good moods from a polite, outgoing staff, but that was not the case. The staff was not just loud, but also rude, both toward one another and toward patients, and companions of patients. It was a "bully" atmosphere, where the louder a person was, the more important they obviously thought they were, and the less respect and courtesy they showed toward others.
After about a half hour of my trying to get someone's attention, and get them to stop talking loudly, OVER me, OVER one another, and acknowledge my presence, I finally raised my voice and got their attention. The person I had brought had been very sick over the weekend, and needed to be examined before being given Chemo, but they didn't want to hear ANYTHING from anyone but themselves, so they nearly started him on a heavy duty Chemo drip before giving him a more thorough exam. If I hadn't been there, he could have died that day, he was completely dehydrated; after a doctor finally examined him, they rushed fluid and a blood transfusion to him, and admitted him to an inpatient room.
The next day I visited; he was groggy and unsure of what was supposed to happen. I went to the nurse's station and asked them what what planned for him, and what his status was, and explained that he was unsure and groggy. The response I received practically blew the skin off of my face, "HE KNOWS WHAT THE SCHEDULE IS AND WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" the nurse SNARLED into my face. Since the person was a close relative of mine, I was already very upset and that was the last straw for me, I shouted back at the Nurse, and demanded to see the Supervising Nurse on the floor. Eventually she visited the room and asked what was wrong (she seemed calm and polite), so I explained what was going on; she apologized, and said she would speak to them and pay closer attention. After a short while, another Nurse came into the room and apologized for the general rudeness, but then tried to put the blame on ME, saying "You make yourself small". Frankly I was stunned, but after a few minutes I realized what I was dealing with; the entire hospital had adapted a CULTURE of bully behavior and status-displays. There were enough bullies and immature staff members to actually influence nearly the entire staff to accept this sort of behavior, and even make it the "NORM". Those staff members who did not fit in, who maintained their civility, manners, and respect for others and for patients, were treated with disrespect and disdain.
More than once, I witnessed arguments between staff about who did what, who forgot what, what kind of medicine a patient was supposed to get, what the schedule was, and who was "supposed to" be doing something. This behavior was both in the Chemo area, and in the inpatient areas of the hospital.
The defensiveness of the staff both toward each other and toward the patients belied their insecurity and lack of competence and skill, and also their desire to be on the GIVING END of the Bullying instead of on the RECEIVING END.
In a Bully Culture, it's bully or get bullied.
The entire time I was there with my relative, I saw only ONE Nurse or Nurse assistant who knew how to do proper bed changing and proper patient lifting. (Of course they would assume that I didn't know how, after all I'm short...oh yeah and I make myself small...so therefore I must be shy and intimidated by them, and by their importance...)
I suspected that the nurse who was skilled in lifting and changing patients had worked somewhere else before this job, and I was right; she had previously worked in a couple of nursing homes. She was competent, and she had MANNERS and CIVILITY, because she had confidence in her skills and ability, and also in herself, apparently.
Because of her manners and courteous disposition, I was able to COMMUNICATE with her about my relative's condition, and his needs and wants, and she was able to COMMUNICATE with me, instead of trying to bark statements at me, boss me around, talking over me, "correcting" me, or avoiding me "catching her" not doing her job.
Further along, I found out from an orderly that the hospital had done several local recruitments for employees, and trained those employees on site. So the CULTURE that so many bullies in the hospital were cultivating was being projected directly onto new recruits during their job-training. Also, it's a teaching hospital, so interns were all getting the same "cultural conditioning".
I would have liked to see my relative go to a different hospital, but he didn't want to change, and was worried about his insurance. So that was beyond my control.
Don't look them in the eye very much, and only if you need to for conversation purposes, or to acknowledge them for a reason.
Don't take their tone of voice too seriously, or let it affect you.
Don't take the bait when they are fishing for an emotional response from you.
Expect that they will be condescending, insulting, or sarcastic, and ignore it when they do it.
Don't react, don't take their words personally, whether or not they are obviously trying to provoke you.
Don't engage their attempts at social manipulations, such as: domination displays (staring you down, puffing themselves up, walking into your personal space, gesturing in your face).
Don't react when they talk over you, interrupt you, or raise their voice, just repeat what you were saying originally, and only if you really need to get your message across to them because it's about something important.
Basically, remembering that those who have Narcissism or developmental delays really are not mature enough to "know better". They might be doing a lot of their behaviors on purpose, in order to try to make you smaller, or themselves bigger, but a mature adult wouldn't do that because they would know and understand WHY.
Without the understanding of WHY we treat others with respect, courtesy, care, and manners, the less mature person tends to believe that all those "manners" are either faked, or pointless, or because of weakness or shyness.
A Real Life experience to demonstrate:
A couple of years ago, I was bringing someone to a local hospital for chemo treatments. We were both frankly shocked by the loud, boisterous atmosphere in the chemo area. It might have been a good thing, making it less gloomy, IF the volume level was raised because of good moods from a polite, outgoing staff, but that was not the case. The staff was not just loud, but also rude, both toward one another and toward patients, and companions of patients. It was a "bully" atmosphere, where the louder a person was, the more important they obviously thought they were, and the less respect and courtesy they showed toward others.
After about a half hour of my trying to get someone's attention, and get them to stop talking loudly, OVER me, OVER one another, and acknowledge my presence, I finally raised my voice and got their attention. The person I had brought had been very sick over the weekend, and needed to be examined before being given Chemo, but they didn't want to hear ANYTHING from anyone but themselves, so they nearly started him on a heavy duty Chemo drip before giving him a more thorough exam. If I hadn't been there, he could have died that day, he was completely dehydrated; after a doctor finally examined him, they rushed fluid and a blood transfusion to him, and admitted him to an inpatient room.
The next day I visited; he was groggy and unsure of what was supposed to happen. I went to the nurse's station and asked them what what planned for him, and what his status was, and explained that he was unsure and groggy. The response I received practically blew the skin off of my face, "HE KNOWS WHAT THE SCHEDULE IS AND WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" the nurse SNARLED into my face. Since the person was a close relative of mine, I was already very upset and that was the last straw for me, I shouted back at the Nurse, and demanded to see the Supervising Nurse on the floor. Eventually she visited the room and asked what was wrong (she seemed calm and polite), so I explained what was going on; she apologized, and said she would speak to them and pay closer attention. After a short while, another Nurse came into the room and apologized for the general rudeness, but then tried to put the blame on ME, saying "You make yourself small". Frankly I was stunned, but after a few minutes I realized what I was dealing with; the entire hospital had adapted a CULTURE of bully behavior and status-displays. There were enough bullies and immature staff members to actually influence nearly the entire staff to accept this sort of behavior, and even make it the "NORM". Those staff members who did not fit in, who maintained their civility, manners, and respect for others and for patients, were treated with disrespect and disdain.
More than once, I witnessed arguments between staff about who did what, who forgot what, what kind of medicine a patient was supposed to get, what the schedule was, and who was "supposed to" be doing something. This behavior was both in the Chemo area, and in the inpatient areas of the hospital.
The defensiveness of the staff both toward each other and toward the patients belied their insecurity and lack of competence and skill, and also their desire to be on the GIVING END of the Bullying instead of on the RECEIVING END.
In a Bully Culture, it's bully or get bullied.
The entire time I was there with my relative, I saw only ONE Nurse or Nurse assistant who knew how to do proper bed changing and proper patient lifting. (Of course they would assume that I didn't know how, after all I'm short...oh yeah and I make myself small...so therefore I must be shy and intimidated by them, and by their importance...)
I suspected that the nurse who was skilled in lifting and changing patients had worked somewhere else before this job, and I was right; she had previously worked in a couple of nursing homes. She was competent, and she had MANNERS and CIVILITY, because she had confidence in her skills and ability, and also in herself, apparently.
Because of her manners and courteous disposition, I was able to COMMUNICATE with her about my relative's condition, and his needs and wants, and she was able to COMMUNICATE with me, instead of trying to bark statements at me, boss me around, talking over me, "correcting" me, or avoiding me "catching her" not doing her job.
Further along, I found out from an orderly that the hospital had done several local recruitments for employees, and trained those employees on site. So the CULTURE that so many bullies in the hospital were cultivating was being projected directly onto new recruits during their job-training. Also, it's a teaching hospital, so interns were all getting the same "cultural conditioning".
I would have liked to see my relative go to a different hospital, but he didn't want to change, and was worried about his insurance. So that was beyond my control.
Word Meanings, Interpretation, And Status
Words and terms we use every day are interpreted differently by different people, even in the same community or family.
For instance the word "Listen" often means one thing by the speaker, but the listener hears something completely different.
"Why won't you LISTEN to me" says Marie, and she means "hear me when I am talking, hear what I'm saying, try to comprehend my meaning, care enough about me to hear my words and my meaning"
But Jeffrey THINKS that Marie means "Do what I say" when she uses the word "listen", because he does not have a broader definition of the word. He hears the sentence "Listen to me" to mean "Do what I say", or "Believe what I say", as if he is a child and the person speaking is an adult who is chastising him. Jeffrey did not learn the other meanings of the phrase "listen to me", so every time Marie says it, he thinks she's trying to tell him what to do.
This communication conundrum causes a serious loop in communication. If Marie tries to explain to Jeffrey what she means when she says "Listen to me", he will STILL think she's trying to boss him around, or trying to "change him".
Jeffrey is still in his childhood mentally and emotionally; he perceives that when a person is trying to explain something they need, or their feelings, or what they want, or even a different point of view, that they're trying to MAKE HIM DO something, or MAKE HIM BELIEVE something.
Jeffrey has this perception all the time. When he is listening to someone speak whom he sees as a "deserving" authority figure, he does not "rebel". He "does what he's told", and he thinks that whatever the person is saying is basically correct, so he can believe it. Or whenever the person sounds like they're giving instructions, Jeffrey will just follow the instructions without "rebelling" or questioning, and he won't feel OFFENDED that they're "trying to tell him what to do", or "trying to change him".
But when someone who he does not consider to be a "deserving authority figure" says "Listen to me", or expresses their point of view, their feelings, or their opinions, Jeffrey takes it as an OFFENSE. This is a person who he has not deemed as higher status than himself, and therefore should not be "telling him what to do" or "telling him what to feel or think".
Unfortunately for those around Jeffrey, he thinks they're doing that all the time, every time they try to express anything at all, anytime they express upset, every time they disagree with him, and every time they have a different point of view. Jeffrey thinks they're trying to control him even when they invite him to do something or go somewhere, or when they ask him to go to a movie or play a game, or join them for a meal.
Jeffrey DID grow up with some extremely controlling people in his life that WERE constantly bossing him and disrespecting him, but unfortunately for him, he did not heal from these controlling relationships. He's now pathologically defensive toward anyone whom he has not deemed as "higher status" than himself, which means ONLY a person who he has deemed "higher status" could ever help him to get past his issues, because he literally can not, will not, hear anyone else, or even make a genuine connection with them.
For instance the word "Listen" often means one thing by the speaker, but the listener hears something completely different.
"Why won't you LISTEN to me" says Marie, and she means "hear me when I am talking, hear what I'm saying, try to comprehend my meaning, care enough about me to hear my words and my meaning"
But Jeffrey THINKS that Marie means "Do what I say" when she uses the word "listen", because he does not have a broader definition of the word. He hears the sentence "Listen to me" to mean "Do what I say", or "Believe what I say", as if he is a child and the person speaking is an adult who is chastising him. Jeffrey did not learn the other meanings of the phrase "listen to me", so every time Marie says it, he thinks she's trying to tell him what to do.
This communication conundrum causes a serious loop in communication. If Marie tries to explain to Jeffrey what she means when she says "Listen to me", he will STILL think she's trying to boss him around, or trying to "change him".
Jeffrey is still in his childhood mentally and emotionally; he perceives that when a person is trying to explain something they need, or their feelings, or what they want, or even a different point of view, that they're trying to MAKE HIM DO something, or MAKE HIM BELIEVE something.
Jeffrey has this perception all the time. When he is listening to someone speak whom he sees as a "deserving" authority figure, he does not "rebel". He "does what he's told", and he thinks that whatever the person is saying is basically correct, so he can believe it. Or whenever the person sounds like they're giving instructions, Jeffrey will just follow the instructions without "rebelling" or questioning, and he won't feel OFFENDED that they're "trying to tell him what to do", or "trying to change him".
But when someone who he does not consider to be a "deserving authority figure" says "Listen to me", or expresses their point of view, their feelings, or their opinions, Jeffrey takes it as an OFFENSE. This is a person who he has not deemed as higher status than himself, and therefore should not be "telling him what to do" or "telling him what to feel or think".
Unfortunately for those around Jeffrey, he thinks they're doing that all the time, every time they try to express anything at all, anytime they express upset, every time they disagree with him, and every time they have a different point of view. Jeffrey thinks they're trying to control him even when they invite him to do something or go somewhere, or when they ask him to go to a movie or play a game, or join them for a meal.
Jeffrey DID grow up with some extremely controlling people in his life that WERE constantly bossing him and disrespecting him, but unfortunately for him, he did not heal from these controlling relationships. He's now pathologically defensive toward anyone whom he has not deemed as "higher status" than himself, which means ONLY a person who he has deemed "higher status" could ever help him to get past his issues, because he literally can not, will not, hear anyone else, or even make a genuine connection with them.
Reaching Enlightenment
"Enlightenment" is not becoming some kind of Guru or Advanced Spiritual Being.
It's the realization that we are not nearly as awful, stupid, or terrible as we think we are, nor are we as perfect, tough, innocent, smart, experienced or wise as we think we are.
It's realizing that the path we've been walking on, and the things we believed to be absolute, aren't necessarily all there is.
It's realizing that what we think we see and what we think we know is not necessarily correct, true, or the whole picture.
That we humans are filled with biases, prejudices, and beliefs that cloud our perception, the way we see the world, other people, and ourselves, every single day.
That we tend to follow and believe only certain kinds of people who we "look up to", based on our own internal biases, and that we ignore and dismiss other people also based on our own internal biases, not based in logical or scientific assessment.
That we tend to try to make other people smaller when we feel intimidated or envious of them.
That we do not own, possess, or have any right to have control over other adult human beings in our life, or over their possessions, their other relationships, or their movements, decisions, or feelings, regardless of the body they were born in, or the body that we were born in, or our own feelings.
That we have habits of thought, feeling, behavior, and belief that we don't double-check, that we don't question, that we keep doing because they're comfortable, and because they fit in with others.
It's realizing that our ego often holds us back from living a better life and having better relationships.
It's realizing that we humans often fight, argue with, disrespect, and diminish other human beings who we really should be supporting, treating with care, and listening to what they have to say.
That dramatic human interaction is created by humans, always, and usually by the most aggressive or arrogant person in a group; usually by the one who is adamantly denying blame, or the one who wants to be right, or the one who wants to be in charge.
It's realizing that we don't actually already know who is smarter, more experienced, or wiser.
That our emotions and opinions are not facts, and do not represent objective reality, regardless of who or what we are, or who we think we are.
That no one human being knows everything, or can teach you everything.
That even the greatest human teacher will be wrong sometimes, if not often, and that it should be expected when it happens, with grace.
That improvement, growth, and change always begins with ourselves, not with trying to change others.
That we really know and understand very little, both as individuals, and as a species.
That believing one's self to have reached Enlightenment and become superior to other human beings means that one has only just begun on their journey.
"Enlightenment" is not found at the top of the mountain, nor does it end there, nor does anyone graduate.
It's found all along the climbing path, from the bottom and going up to the top, coming back down, and going up again, and coming back down again, and so on, and so on. It's found in the villages at the bottom of the mountain, and it's found at the peak. It's found in the lands far beyond the mountain. It's found in the trees and the rocks and the streams that are on the sides of the mountain, and in the animals and the birds, and their song. It's in the rain that falls on those who are on the climbing path, and in the sun that warms their faces. It's in the cold nights, in the bright stars, and in the grey clouds. It's inside of one's own heart, mind, and soul, and in every single person we ever meet. It's everywhere, all around us, all the time.
It's the realization that we are not nearly as awful, stupid, or terrible as we think we are, nor are we as perfect, tough, innocent, smart, experienced or wise as we think we are.
It's realizing that the path we've been walking on, and the things we believed to be absolute, aren't necessarily all there is.
It's realizing that what we think we see and what we think we know is not necessarily correct, true, or the whole picture.
That we humans are filled with biases, prejudices, and beliefs that cloud our perception, the way we see the world, other people, and ourselves, every single day.
That we tend to follow and believe only certain kinds of people who we "look up to", based on our own internal biases, and that we ignore and dismiss other people also based on our own internal biases, not based in logical or scientific assessment.
That we tend to try to make other people smaller when we feel intimidated or envious of them.
That we do not own, possess, or have any right to have control over other adult human beings in our life, or over their possessions, their other relationships, or their movements, decisions, or feelings, regardless of the body they were born in, or the body that we were born in, or our own feelings.
That we have habits of thought, feeling, behavior, and belief that we don't double-check, that we don't question, that we keep doing because they're comfortable, and because they fit in with others.
It's realizing that our ego often holds us back from living a better life and having better relationships.
It's realizing that we humans often fight, argue with, disrespect, and diminish other human beings who we really should be supporting, treating with care, and listening to what they have to say.
That dramatic human interaction is created by humans, always, and usually by the most aggressive or arrogant person in a group; usually by the one who is adamantly denying blame, or the one who wants to be right, or the one who wants to be in charge.
It's realizing that we don't actually already know who is smarter, more experienced, or wiser.
That our emotions and opinions are not facts, and do not represent objective reality, regardless of who or what we are, or who we think we are.
That no one human being knows everything, or can teach you everything.
That even the greatest human teacher will be wrong sometimes, if not often, and that it should be expected when it happens, with grace.
That improvement, growth, and change always begins with ourselves, not with trying to change others.
That we really know and understand very little, both as individuals, and as a species.
That believing one's self to have reached Enlightenment and become superior to other human beings means that one has only just begun on their journey.
"Enlightenment" is not found at the top of the mountain, nor does it end there, nor does anyone graduate.
It's found all along the climbing path, from the bottom and going up to the top, coming back down, and going up again, and coming back down again, and so on, and so on. It's found in the villages at the bottom of the mountain, and it's found at the peak. It's found in the lands far beyond the mountain. It's found in the trees and the rocks and the streams that are on the sides of the mountain, and in the animals and the birds, and their song. It's in the rain that falls on those who are on the climbing path, and in the sun that warms their faces. It's in the cold nights, in the bright stars, and in the grey clouds. It's inside of one's own heart, mind, and soul, and in every single person we ever meet. It's everywhere, all around us, all the time.
Leaders Vs. Control Freaks
Being a "good leader" or a "leader type" is not the same thing as having control issues or being a Narcissist.
Most people like it when someone is around who's a good leader type. They have a knack for helping others achieve their potential, for organizing projects and goals with the talents and abilities of other people, for getting different kinds of personalities to work together, and for leading others in going places and getting things done.
A lot of people have skills, abilities, and talent, but really appreciate someone else who's talent and abilities happen to include dealing with difficult people, getting others to work together (or work at all), getting others to behave respectfully and cooperate in a work group or project, getting everyone involved to focus on the goal, and simply helping to figure out what the best next step or direction is.
A Good Leader is a person who has these abilities and is also respectful toward other people, respectful of who others really are and is appreciative of their abilities, who does not try to diminish others, and who knows the difference between "leadership" and "superiority".
If the person is getting a "high" from bossing others and being in control, then it's likely their "leadership skills" are not very good, because they're actually just "leading" in order to get a fix, not to accomplish anything. They will likely sabotage anyone who seems like a threat to their leadership position or image, because that would be a threat to getting their fix.
If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they're not a "leader type", they may approach the person and want to know about them, want to hear their point of view, and want to assist them in whatever their doing, or help them, or recruit them for a project. But they will NOT condescend to the person, judge the person as an "inferior", give the person unsolicited 'advice" or criticism, or try to "prove" to the person that they are stronger or smarter.
If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they ARE another "leader type", they may approach the person and perhaps want to talk to them, work with them, hear their point of view, and learn about their projects and goals. But they will NOT feel "challenged" by the person, feel envious, or try to diminish the person or "prove" that they are the "top dog". They will also NOT try to take over the person's projects or groups, or sabotage them.
A Controller, on the other hand, will likely do the opposite of what a "good Leader" would do in response to the social cues from others. For example if they pick up "shy" or even "polite" social signals, they are likely to see the person as either a "nothing", or as a potential Target (prey, mark, servant, sidekick).
If they pick up social signals that indicate a "Leader type" person, they are likely to either kiss up to the person in order to be associated with them and get in their good graces, or they will try to diminish the person and "knock them down".
The behavior of a "Controller" can be compared to many social animals who have a group leader, when less mature animals try to challenge the leader all the time, and try to prove dominance toward other members of the group with aggressive displays..If an individual goes too far with these behaviors, or displays them too often, they can be driven away and "exiled" from the group because their behaviors are destructive to the group's safety and well-being.
A good Leader, human or non-human, can be a boon to individuals and to larger groups.
A "Controller" can be something of a headache instead, or worse, all the way to being a nightmare of destruction for other individuals, to projects, businesses, groups and communities, and even nations.
A really good Leader will recognize Controllers in their midst, and not only stand up to them, but help protect others from them as well.
Most people like it when someone is around who's a good leader type. They have a knack for helping others achieve their potential, for organizing projects and goals with the talents and abilities of other people, for getting different kinds of personalities to work together, and for leading others in going places and getting things done.
A lot of people have skills, abilities, and talent, but really appreciate someone else who's talent and abilities happen to include dealing with difficult people, getting others to work together (or work at all), getting others to behave respectfully and cooperate in a work group or project, getting everyone involved to focus on the goal, and simply helping to figure out what the best next step or direction is.
A Good Leader is a person who has these abilities and is also respectful toward other people, respectful of who others really are and is appreciative of their abilities, who does not try to diminish others, and who knows the difference between "leadership" and "superiority".
If the person is getting a "high" from bossing others and being in control, then it's likely their "leadership skills" are not very good, because they're actually just "leading" in order to get a fix, not to accomplish anything. They will likely sabotage anyone who seems like a threat to their leadership position or image, because that would be a threat to getting their fix.
If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they're not a "leader type", they may approach the person and want to know about them, want to hear their point of view, and want to assist them in whatever their doing, or help them, or recruit them for a project. But they will NOT condescend to the person, judge the person as an "inferior", give the person unsolicited 'advice" or criticism, or try to "prove" to the person that they are stronger or smarter.
If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they ARE another "leader type", they may approach the person and perhaps want to talk to them, work with them, hear their point of view, and learn about their projects and goals. But they will NOT feel "challenged" by the person, feel envious, or try to diminish the person or "prove" that they are the "top dog". They will also NOT try to take over the person's projects or groups, or sabotage them.
A Controller, on the other hand, will likely do the opposite of what a "good Leader" would do in response to the social cues from others. For example if they pick up "shy" or even "polite" social signals, they are likely to see the person as either a "nothing", or as a potential Target (prey, mark, servant, sidekick).
If they pick up social signals that indicate a "Leader type" person, they are likely to either kiss up to the person in order to be associated with them and get in their good graces, or they will try to diminish the person and "knock them down".
The behavior of a "Controller" can be compared to many social animals who have a group leader, when less mature animals try to challenge the leader all the time, and try to prove dominance toward other members of the group with aggressive displays..If an individual goes too far with these behaviors, or displays them too often, they can be driven away and "exiled" from the group because their behaviors are destructive to the group's safety and well-being.
A good Leader, human or non-human, can be a boon to individuals and to larger groups.
A "Controller" can be something of a headache instead, or worse, all the way to being a nightmare of destruction for other individuals, to projects, businesses, groups and communities, and even nations.
A really good Leader will recognize Controllers in their midst, and not only stand up to them, but help protect others from them as well.
Projecting "Weakness" Onto Others
Both men and women who have Narcissism tend to project weakness onto females and smaller males.
They may project physical weakness, emotional weakness, mental weakness, character weakness, or lack of worldly "power", depending on what they think will "work" on an individual, and what their own ego-identity issues are.
So they might keep implying that a woman they know is physically fragile, weak, or delicate, or that she is fearful and insecure.
They'll do this especially if they're worried that she's NONE of these things. They will often imply it to other people when the woman is absent, or they might imply it about her in her presence, or even right to her face.
If they want her to be physically weak or incapable, they'll just keep SAYING and doing things that imply it, apparently hoping it will come true eventually. So for example when she goes to lift something, they might run over and make a big deal out of helping her, or they might take it right out of her hands. Or if there is something that needs to be done, they might make a big show about getting someone else to do it because it's "So hard" or "too heavy" or "too difficult" for her.
A Narcissist will do similar things when they wish another to have other kinds of weaknesses as well, such as always giving them "constructive criticism" about something they do, especially something they're good at, or about their appearance.
(Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists who have Narcissism can be especially dangerous with this kind of behavior, because they'll keep implying that a patient's judgment is "off", or that their emotional reactions are not really quite normal, or that they don't UNDERSTAND much about their own mental health, or that of others around them, or of human mental health and behavior in general.
Teachers with Narcissism will also often give skewed feedback to a good student, trying to make the student believe that he or she has not made much progress, or that they're not grasping the material, or that they're not very capable of learning the material.)
The stronger a Target actually is, in any way, shape or form, the more the Narcissist will probably try to diminish them.
On the flip side of this same coin, both male and female Narcissists often project OAFISHNESS onto physically larger people; both adults and children. The implication is that they aren't very bright, that they're clutzy, or that they're ignorant or naive. One can observe that young people who are bullies tend to target either SMALLER children OR LARGER children, and if they don't mature past their envy and domination issues, they'll carry it with them into adulthood.
Obviously this is ALSO an attempt to DIMINISH the person, because their very size alone intimidates the Narcissist and likely causes envy, since humans in general tend to automatically treat taller people with more respect than smaller people.
Those who have Narcissism and who are average height seem to display this sort of behavior (height and size envy, diminishing, and projection) more than taller or shorter people who have Narcissism.
They may project physical weakness, emotional weakness, mental weakness, character weakness, or lack of worldly "power", depending on what they think will "work" on an individual, and what their own ego-identity issues are.
So they might keep implying that a woman they know is physically fragile, weak, or delicate, or that she is fearful and insecure.
They'll do this especially if they're worried that she's NONE of these things. They will often imply it to other people when the woman is absent, or they might imply it about her in her presence, or even right to her face.
If they want her to be physically weak or incapable, they'll just keep SAYING and doing things that imply it, apparently hoping it will come true eventually. So for example when she goes to lift something, they might run over and make a big deal out of helping her, or they might take it right out of her hands. Or if there is something that needs to be done, they might make a big show about getting someone else to do it because it's "So hard" or "too heavy" or "too difficult" for her.
A Narcissist will do similar things when they wish another to have other kinds of weaknesses as well, such as always giving them "constructive criticism" about something they do, especially something they're good at, or about their appearance.
(Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists who have Narcissism can be especially dangerous with this kind of behavior, because they'll keep implying that a patient's judgment is "off", or that their emotional reactions are not really quite normal, or that they don't UNDERSTAND much about their own mental health, or that of others around them, or of human mental health and behavior in general.
Teachers with Narcissism will also often give skewed feedback to a good student, trying to make the student believe that he or she has not made much progress, or that they're not grasping the material, or that they're not very capable of learning the material.)
The stronger a Target actually is, in any way, shape or form, the more the Narcissist will probably try to diminish them.
On the flip side of this same coin, both male and female Narcissists often project OAFISHNESS onto physically larger people; both adults and children. The implication is that they aren't very bright, that they're clutzy, or that they're ignorant or naive. One can observe that young people who are bullies tend to target either SMALLER children OR LARGER children, and if they don't mature past their envy and domination issues, they'll carry it with them into adulthood.
Obviously this is ALSO an attempt to DIMINISH the person, because their very size alone intimidates the Narcissist and likely causes envy, since humans in general tend to automatically treat taller people with more respect than smaller people.
Those who have Narcissism and who are average height seem to display this sort of behavior (height and size envy, diminishing, and projection) more than taller or shorter people who have Narcissism.
Frustrating Relationships
One of the most frustrating things about relationships with people who have narcissism issues, especially those who don't have severe "NPD" (severe NPD is a little easier to see once you notice it), is that no matter what, they actually seem to believe that any and all of the problems in the relationship are caused by YOU.
This is can also be seen in people who have PTSD, Bipolar, ADD, and "Borderline Personality" issues, none of which are actually "Narcissism", but can manifest N. behaviors and perceptions because of extreme defensiveness, self-protection, recurring paranoia (often from being manipulated, betrayed, or gaslighted), and attention deficit.
People who have ADD, for example, who manifest N. issues can believe they know all the information there is regarding an event, an interaction with another person, or something they heard, or something they read, because they don't realize they missed half of it.
Like falling asleep during class but not knowing it.
They think they perceived everything that happened, that they know what you're going to say, that they know what you're thinking and feeling, that they know your motive, or that you have an "agenda", but they have NO INTEREST in actually finding anything out, or reviewing any facts, or reviewing what actually happened, or what was actually said. Because it's too much work and it's annoying... in their mind, they already KNOW, so why go back over it again?! They can actually perceive a person who wants to review an event or an interaction as being "hostile" or "chastising" them, because that's probably what it FEELS like to them. They may also perceive an attempt to go back over something as the other person trying to "get out of responsibility for their actions", which may be from another relationship, or it may be a projection of their own motives.
So there's no way to go back over something that happened, even to show them that you did not do what they think you did to hurt or betray them, because they will become defensive and emotionally reactive, and cause a NEW "negative" event.
.
ALSO~ people who actually do have Narcissism will often avoid reviewing an event at all costs, because they can NOT TOLERATE even a small hint that they did something "wrong". EVEN IF another person takes responsibility for 9 out of 10 "wrong" things that were said or done, a person with Narcissism will STILL defend themselves about the 10th thing that the N. was definitely responsible for, and will ACCUSE the other person of "never" taking responsibility for anything, and "always" having to be right.
.
Why that is depends on the individual, sometimes they can't "afford" to admit a mistake because it will mess up what they're trying to accomplish, and sometimes they "can't" admit a mistake because the emotions that come with it are too uncomfortable, even painful, for them.
This is can also be seen in people who have PTSD, Bipolar, ADD, and "Borderline Personality" issues, none of which are actually "Narcissism", but can manifest N. behaviors and perceptions because of extreme defensiveness, self-protection, recurring paranoia (often from being manipulated, betrayed, or gaslighted), and attention deficit.
People who have ADD, for example, who manifest N. issues can believe they know all the information there is regarding an event, an interaction with another person, or something they heard, or something they read, because they don't realize they missed half of it.
Like falling asleep during class but not knowing it.
They think they perceived everything that happened, that they know what you're going to say, that they know what you're thinking and feeling, that they know your motive, or that you have an "agenda", but they have NO INTEREST in actually finding anything out, or reviewing any facts, or reviewing what actually happened, or what was actually said. Because it's too much work and it's annoying... in their mind, they already KNOW, so why go back over it again?! They can actually perceive a person who wants to review an event or an interaction as being "hostile" or "chastising" them, because that's probably what it FEELS like to them. They may also perceive an attempt to go back over something as the other person trying to "get out of responsibility for their actions", which may be from another relationship, or it may be a projection of their own motives.
So there's no way to go back over something that happened, even to show them that you did not do what they think you did to hurt or betray them, because they will become defensive and emotionally reactive, and cause a NEW "negative" event.
.
ALSO~ people who actually do have Narcissism will often avoid reviewing an event at all costs, because they can NOT TOLERATE even a small hint that they did something "wrong". EVEN IF another person takes responsibility for 9 out of 10 "wrong" things that were said or done, a person with Narcissism will STILL defend themselves about the 10th thing that the N. was definitely responsible for, and will ACCUSE the other person of "never" taking responsibility for anything, and "always" having to be right.
.
Why that is depends on the individual, sometimes they can't "afford" to admit a mistake because it will mess up what they're trying to accomplish, and sometimes they "can't" admit a mistake because the emotions that come with it are too uncomfortable, even painful, for them.
Who It's Okay To Hate
Don't HATE me because I'm beautiful... OR because you DON'T GET THE JOKE.
It's only okay to hate people who belong to a different Political Party than you do, or who don't agree with everything you say, or who have different beliefs than you do, or who "make" you feel guilty for acting like a jerk.
It's NOT OKAY to disagree with people who think they're right, because, after all, they're RIGHT!
So if you don't have the exact same point of view, and you SAY that out loud (politely, without ad hominem) you must be INSULTING them, or is it "rebelling against their authority"?
(I can't keep that one straight, it's too confusing for me.)
The rule is basically that when a person feels insulted for any reason, any reason at all, real or imagined, it's now okay for them to HATE the other person.
It's now okay to HATE a person who stands up to you when you have acted or spoken rudely, hostilely, or inconsiderately to them. This might feel "insulting" to you, and so you might opt to HATE them, perhaps attack them verbally to their face, or try to punish them somehow with social games. Some may want to try their hand at some slander, gossip, sabotage, or smearing.
Oops, almost forgot... it's also now okay to hate people who don't do the same drugs as you do, or who don't do drugs at all, or who DO use drugs.
It's also okay to hate people who have a different amount of MONEY than you do, whether they're richer or poorer, it doesn't matter, as long as it's different than you.
It's still okay to hate people of certain races, if YOU are a certain race, but I can't keep track of which is which, sorry, you'll have to google it.
It's still okay to hate people in your OWN race if they have some kind of physical difference, like the color of their hair or eyes.
It's okay to hate people who are better at something than you are
~who have some kind of talent, either different than yours OR the same as yours
It's now okay to hate people who are genuinely nice and kind to other people (they might stick up for someone who's being disrespected, bullied, or manipulated, wouldn't want that)
and also who look like they might have self-confidence, especially if you don't like them, or don't think they deserve to feel confident (because you don't like them).
(They made those last ones up a couple of decades ago, I keep forgetting about them.)
It's only okay to hate people who belong to a different Political Party than you do, or who don't agree with everything you say, or who have different beliefs than you do, or who "make" you feel guilty for acting like a jerk.
It's NOT OKAY to disagree with people who think they're right, because, after all, they're RIGHT!
So if you don't have the exact same point of view, and you SAY that out loud (politely, without ad hominem) you must be INSULTING them, or is it "rebelling against their authority"?
(I can't keep that one straight, it's too confusing for me.)
The rule is basically that when a person feels insulted for any reason, any reason at all, real or imagined, it's now okay for them to HATE the other person.
It's now okay to HATE a person who stands up to you when you have acted or spoken rudely, hostilely, or inconsiderately to them. This might feel "insulting" to you, and so you might opt to HATE them, perhaps attack them verbally to their face, or try to punish them somehow with social games. Some may want to try their hand at some slander, gossip, sabotage, or smearing.
Oops, almost forgot... it's also now okay to hate people who don't do the same drugs as you do, or who don't do drugs at all, or who DO use drugs.
It's also okay to hate people who have a different amount of MONEY than you do, whether they're richer or poorer, it doesn't matter, as long as it's different than you.
It's still okay to hate people of certain races, if YOU are a certain race, but I can't keep track of which is which, sorry, you'll have to google it.
It's still okay to hate people in your OWN race if they have some kind of physical difference, like the color of their hair or eyes.
It's okay to hate people who are better at something than you are
~who have some kind of talent, either different than yours OR the same as yours
It's now okay to hate people who are genuinely nice and kind to other people (they might stick up for someone who's being disrespected, bullied, or manipulated, wouldn't want that)
and also who look like they might have self-confidence, especially if you don't like them, or don't think they deserve to feel confident (because you don't like them).
(They made those last ones up a couple of decades ago, I keep forgetting about them.)
Codependency Or Healthy Supportiveness
~A feeling of "shame" or "guilt" when you haven't actually done anything wrong
~when what you did was very trivial but the feeling you have is more like DREAD
~when you keep finding yourself dealing with serious anxiety over "normal life" things
These are flags that you are connected to one or more persons who have Control issues, and possibly personality disorder or other mental illness that manifests with Control toward other people.
What their 'issue' actually is would be for further observation, hopefully by a professional. But for a person who is connected with them, understanding that they are dealing with a person who has some kind of emotional or mental issue can be very helpful in understanding the situation in a more objective manner.
For instance, if one's brother had Bipolar disorder, but no one knew or understood what was going on, then other people in the family would likely either feel controlled by him, angry at him, or a more Narcissistic family might Scapegoat him or reject him completely.
A family (healthy family) who makes the effort to find out what his underlying issues really are, and who actually care about him, will be much better able to comprehend what's going on with him, and how to deal with it in a much better way for everyone. A competent professional counselor, therapist, or psychologist can be a key piece for a person who is dealing with a mental health issue, even if it's a temporary issue, but they can also be key for OTHERS* around a person who has a mental illness, whether it's severe or mild.
(Key word "competent")
*Narcissistic family members will not make this kind of effort to understand or help another family member, nor will a Narcissistic healthcare or mental healthcare provider; in both cases, they will try to place the entire "blame" and "burden" on the individual. So if this is the case (like if your brother seems to be bipolar, but no one else cares besides you), then you can find a decent counselor for yourself first, and if that person is competent, they can point you in the right direction as your brother's sibling and advocate.
Again, "competent" being the keyword. A Narcissistic counselor won't want to help you help your brother, and will probably treat you like you're being "codependent" or "Borderline" for doing the HEALTHY act of being supportive of a person you care about. They might even accuse you of "wanting to FIX people" (talk about projection!) Anyway if that turns out to be the case, they're not a good counselor anyway, so no loss when you stop going.
~when what you did was very trivial but the feeling you have is more like DREAD
~when you keep finding yourself dealing with serious anxiety over "normal life" things
These are flags that you are connected to one or more persons who have Control issues, and possibly personality disorder or other mental illness that manifests with Control toward other people.
What their 'issue' actually is would be for further observation, hopefully by a professional. But for a person who is connected with them, understanding that they are dealing with a person who has some kind of emotional or mental issue can be very helpful in understanding the situation in a more objective manner.
For instance, if one's brother had Bipolar disorder, but no one knew or understood what was going on, then other people in the family would likely either feel controlled by him, angry at him, or a more Narcissistic family might Scapegoat him or reject him completely.
A family (healthy family) who makes the effort to find out what his underlying issues really are, and who actually care about him, will be much better able to comprehend what's going on with him, and how to deal with it in a much better way for everyone. A competent professional counselor, therapist, or psychologist can be a key piece for a person who is dealing with a mental health issue, even if it's a temporary issue, but they can also be key for OTHERS* around a person who has a mental illness, whether it's severe or mild.
(Key word "competent")
*Narcissistic family members will not make this kind of effort to understand or help another family member, nor will a Narcissistic healthcare or mental healthcare provider; in both cases, they will try to place the entire "blame" and "burden" on the individual. So if this is the case (like if your brother seems to be bipolar, but no one else cares besides you), then you can find a decent counselor for yourself first, and if that person is competent, they can point you in the right direction as your brother's sibling and advocate.
Again, "competent" being the keyword. A Narcissistic counselor won't want to help you help your brother, and will probably treat you like you're being "codependent" or "Borderline" for doing the HEALTHY act of being supportive of a person you care about. They might even accuse you of "wanting to FIX people" (talk about projection!) Anyway if that turns out to be the case, they're not a good counselor anyway, so no loss when you stop going.
Trying To Control The Internet
This is the very first time in Human History that people who are not in "Power" can publish their own point of view and their own real experiences. This is the first time in Human History that people who are not being controlled or edited by someone in "Power" can speak freely, sharing their ideas and observations to a group that's larger than their own personal family and friends. This is the first time in Human History that any kind of artist, writer, or scientist can publish his or her own work without having it stopped, controlled, edited, or changed by someone with a "Power" position.
People who desire Power are usually the ones who ARE IN those positions, mostly because they're the ones who do whatever it takes to GET those positions. It's too much effort, stress, and often too much corruption for most people to "do what it takes" to get into those spots, so only those who REALLY WANT IT usually get those positions.
It's always been that way, it will always be that way. Humans who seek POWER often seek ABSOLUTE POWER, or at least as much power and control as they can possibly get. It's what they're "INTO".
So we have a situation, now, where there are still lots of people who sit in "Power Positions", who want to control what other people say and do just like Power-mongers always have, but they CAN'T, because of the internet. Their frustration levels must be THROUGH THE ROOF!
It's like their little brother and sister running away with the remote to the TV! AHHHHH!!!!
"I'm the bigger kid, I should be the one who has control over the remote!"
So yeah, there are DEFINITELY people out there trying to find a way to CONTROL the Internet.
If they can find a way to make it all taxable, they will.
If they could shut it down, they would.
People who desire Power are usually the ones who ARE IN those positions, mostly because they're the ones who do whatever it takes to GET those positions. It's too much effort, stress, and often too much corruption for most people to "do what it takes" to get into those spots, so only those who REALLY WANT IT usually get those positions.
It's always been that way, it will always be that way. Humans who seek POWER often seek ABSOLUTE POWER, or at least as much power and control as they can possibly get. It's what they're "INTO".
So we have a situation, now, where there are still lots of people who sit in "Power Positions", who want to control what other people say and do just like Power-mongers always have, but they CAN'T, because of the internet. Their frustration levels must be THROUGH THE ROOF!
It's like their little brother and sister running away with the remote to the TV! AHHHHH!!!!
"I'm the bigger kid, I should be the one who has control over the remote!"
So yeah, there are DEFINITELY people out there trying to find a way to CONTROL the Internet.
If they can find a way to make it all taxable, they will.
If they could shut it down, they would.
Live To Put You Down: Men Controlled By Narcissists
Narcissists, whether they're male or female, can not be happy unless they feel superior to someone else. So if there is no one around who's actually "inferior", they'll pick someone to be a "Target" for their put downs, condescension, control, insults, and other various dominance and superiority displays.
Since they need their Target to stick around, and not beat the crap out of them when they realize what's going on, they try to pick people who are more easy-going, who appear kind, or who are naive or who appear to be naive, or who appear to be physically smaller or weaker than the Narcissist.
A "bonus" for a Narcissist would be to find a rather large male Target whom they can manipulate to do their bidding and be their sidekick-bodyguard; a person who others might be intimidated by. But they're harder to come by, because they're harder for a Narcissist to control with threats and fear.
Believe it or not, more men than women are personally targeted for control and manipulation by Narcissist men. "How can that be?!" he shouts. "And, why???"
Well, who do other humans respect more, men or women?
Would a Narc. Business Owner hire a male or female manager if their REAL goal was to have someone who would be a "hammer" to the other employees? (So they don't have to be seen as that "hammer"?)
Would a Narc. illegal black market dealer recruit young MEN, or young WOMEN, to distribute their "product" in the "street"?
Which one, a young man or a young woman, is more likely to want to look "cool" or "tough" to Narcissistic men in their town, and would therefore do what those men told them to do?
Which one, a man or a woman, is easier to reward with compliments about their toughness and their physical strength, or their skill and knowledge, so they don't think so much about how they're really being treated, or how much they're really getting paid?
Which one is easier for a boss, dealer, or other kind of "leader" to SEND to do something thuggish, corrupt, or illegal for them?
Which one is actually more afraid of being seen as a "weakling" and getting made fun of for not following along with a male "leader's" personal agenda?
Sure, Narcissists will often condescend to women, treat them like they're stupid, and refuse to hire them. But they WANT to employ MEN for a REASON.
Not because they RESPECT THEM, but because they KNOW HOW TO MANIPULATE THEM, and they know they can get away with it.
Since they need their Target to stick around, and not beat the crap out of them when they realize what's going on, they try to pick people who are more easy-going, who appear kind, or who are naive or who appear to be naive, or who appear to be physically smaller or weaker than the Narcissist.
A "bonus" for a Narcissist would be to find a rather large male Target whom they can manipulate to do their bidding and be their sidekick-bodyguard; a person who others might be intimidated by. But they're harder to come by, because they're harder for a Narcissist to control with threats and fear.
Believe it or not, more men than women are personally targeted for control and manipulation by Narcissist men. "How can that be?!" he shouts. "And, why???"
Well, who do other humans respect more, men or women?
Would a Narc. Business Owner hire a male or female manager if their REAL goal was to have someone who would be a "hammer" to the other employees? (So they don't have to be seen as that "hammer"?)
Would a Narc. illegal black market dealer recruit young MEN, or young WOMEN, to distribute their "product" in the "street"?
Which one, a young man or a young woman, is more likely to want to look "cool" or "tough" to Narcissistic men in their town, and would therefore do what those men told them to do?
Which one, a man or a woman, is easier to reward with compliments about their toughness and their physical strength, or their skill and knowledge, so they don't think so much about how they're really being treated, or how much they're really getting paid?
Which one is easier for a boss, dealer, or other kind of "leader" to SEND to do something thuggish, corrupt, or illegal for them?
Which one is actually more afraid of being seen as a "weakling" and getting made fun of for not following along with a male "leader's" personal agenda?
Sure, Narcissists will often condescend to women, treat them like they're stupid, and refuse to hire them. But they WANT to employ MEN for a REASON.
Not because they RESPECT THEM, but because they KNOW HOW TO MANIPULATE THEM, and they know they can get away with it.
Sexism In 2014
In your observation, which sex (males or females) are WOMEN more supportive of, and more respectful toward, in general?
In your observation, which sex (males or females) are MEN more supportive of, and more respectful toward, in general?
In your observation, which sex (males or females) are you and most of your friends more supportive of and more respectful toward, in general?
In your observation, which sex (males or females) are MEN more supportive of, and more respectful toward, in general?
In your observation, which sex (males or females) are you and most of your friends more supportive of and more respectful toward, in general?
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