Concept Of Relationship Foreign To Narcissists

Those who are immature or who have Narcissism don't get the concept of "relationship". They tend to think that they're entitled to any of the relationships they have, and to ownership over other people. That's one of the main reasons they don't want to do any "work" on relationships or on themselves, and why they get so upset when anyone suggests it.
Typically they get upset just talking about something that happened or something they did, and will try to divert or end the discussion.
They think that knowing someone IS all that a "relationship" requires, unless of course they want the OTHER person to change... but themselves? No way, they're already perfect, the other person is the one who needs to make any and all changes, not them.
A person with Narcissism might make little changes over time, just because it's natural for a human to change somewhat as they age and as they experience different things. But they're probably not going to ever understand the concept of a mutual relationship.

Making It To The Top

There's a very big difference between being carried to the top of the mountain by someone's helicopter and climbing it on foot. There's also a very big difference between climbing the mountain with full equipment, support, and companionship, and climbing it alone, or without expensive equipment or supplies. And there's yet another very big difference between climbing the mountain to the top in calm weather, and climbing it during a storm, during winter cold, or during an avalanche.

Just because one person made it to the top of the mountain doesn't mean they had to work nearly as hard as someone else to get there. Some people have lots and lots of help from others, and some have to fight obstacles that others don't have, and still others have to climb through obstacles all alone.
Just because one person doesn't get to the top doesn't mean they don't have the ability, nor does it mean that the top was even their goal.

Each person has a unique climb that's different from anyone else's, and the peak is not the ultimate goal, or the only place to be. To judge a person by how high they've climbed up the mountain simply shows a lack of understanding life.

Note To Counselors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists

Having a degree or even a job does not mean that one is an automatic expert at diagnosing or assessing patients, or at treating them. If I think of you as a lesser person than myself, I am not going to diagnose or treat you properly. Same if I don't like you, am bored by you, or judge you. If I'm not interested in observing the way other individuals treat you either in your family or in general, or if I judge your family member to be more worthy or respect-deserving than you, again I am not going to treat or diagnose you properly. If I judge your whole family to be some kind of lesser class of people, there's no way I'll treat or diagnose you properly. If I consider myself a world class expert, I am probably going to overlook my own bias and weakness and fail to diagnose or treat you properly. If I harbor class, race, sex, or age bias, I'm definitely not going to treat you properly. My norm is probably NOT your norm, but if I think it is, if I believe I am the picture of "normalcy", then no, I am not going to diagnose or treat you properly.

Too many difficulties? Too many hurtles? Too bad. That's how it works. Psychology professionals used to have a better grasp on why objectivity and absence of bias is so important, now there are too many who seem to consider themselves superior to their patients, or just superior in general.

The following is an article on comorbidity of AS and Bipolar, but it goes into detail about diagnostic issues and validity. Why is it relevant? Because it's become commonplace for psych. professionals to do very little observation or use objectivity when assessing or treating a patient, because there are no consequences for mistakes for them (only disasterous ones for patients and clients). This article goes into some detail regarding diagnosing and assessment that can and should be applied to any patient.

Introduction

Despite its increasing popularity as a distinct condition (included in the ICD-10 in 1993 and in the DSM-IV in 1994), the nosological status of Asperger's syndrome (AS) and its diagnostic validity remains uncertain. An astonishing 556% increase in pediatric prevalence of pervasive developmental disorders (PDD) has been reported between 1991 and 1997 [1]. This jump is probably due to heightened awareness and changing diagnostic criteria rather than to new environmental influences.

Both AS and autism persist into adulthood, but their phenotypic expression varies with age. AS may also be unrecognized in adulthood, although usually not forever. Some individuals with AS live almost normally and show good adaptation, while many can hardly cope and need supervision. Some cases are referred to psychiatric services for adults because of concurrent mental disorders or behavioral derangement, especially aggression and self-injury, rather than specific symptoms of AS. In these circumstances, the AS diagnosis is often overlooked. Since these cases appear odd and atypical in comparison with patients commonly observed in the adult psychiatric setting, they often receive several diagnoses in the course of time. The awareness of the AS diagnosis has been considered contingent on certain key professionals, who are interested in the area [2]. However, even when the correct diagnosis of AS or other PDD is made, it should not be considered necessarily exhaustive. It is of importance also to recognize comorbid psychiatric disorders, especially if successfully treatable.

Comorbid psychiatric conditions are frequent in patients with PDD. Patients with AS often present eccentricities, emotional lability, impairments in social functioning, anxiety and obsessive traits, demoralization, suicidal ideation, tempers, coldness, defiance, motor and phonic tics, repetitive behaviors, and stereotypies, that can mimic other mental illnesses [3]. The differential diagnosis with true comorbidity of schizophrenia, BD or anxiety disorders is not always easy. Children with PDD have a two-to-six-times greater risk of experiencing comorbid psychiatric conditions than their normal peers [4-6]. Awareness of the problem is increasing but available evidence on the topic is scanty. Psychiatric comorbidity of AS has been often cited but not well examined. There are very few systematic studies on psychiatric comorbidity in PDD [7-10], and only one in AS [11]. Clinicians treating children report a high comorbidity with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Oppositional defiant disorder, Depressive disorders, and Bipolar disorder [7].

Data on BD and AS comorbidity are inconsistent. McElroy [12] emphasizes that bipolarity is a marker for comorbidity, and comorbid disorders, especially multiple conditions occurring when a patient is young, may be a marker for bipolarity. However, most studies [7-9,11], evidence Unipolar depression as the most common mood disorder in patients with PDD, while only one report by Munesue et al [10] suggests that BD might be the most frequent. Several factors could account for this discrepancy.

First, as discussed by Frazier et al [13], it is difficult to ascertain the rate of comorbidity between AS and BD since the diagnosis of AS is currently used rather indiscriminately, referring to a heterogeneous group [14], and the actual incidence of pediatric BD is probably underestimated until the definition of bipolarity in children is more fully agreed upon. Second, BD often begins in childhood or early adolescence with the clinical features of unipolar depression, acute psychosis, or comorbid disorder (e.g., ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attack, or eating disorder), while manic symptoms appear later. As a consequence, the rate of bipolar diagnosis, can increase with the mean age of studied population. Third, the current classification of mood disorders has poor reliability and validity. According to DSM-IV-TR, the differential diagnosis between unipolar depression and BD II should be based on the lifetime presence of four days of hypomania. Information on mild symptoms overlapping with manifestations of well-being is subject to recall bias, unreliable evaluation, misinterpretation, incoherence. Furthermore, the source of information (patient, relatives, social institutions) can suggest different conclusions. Widening or narrowing the criteria for the definition of hypomania modifies substantially the ratio between unipolar and bipolar II depression [15].

Notwithstanding such gray area, growing evidence suggests that PDD and BD frequently co-occur. Unfortunately, most studies do not explicit the number of cases with AS since they predate DSM-IV [16-18]. In a clinical sample of 727 children, 52 met criteria for PDD, 114 met criteria for mania, and 14 of 52 children with PDD met criteria also for BD (2% of all referrals, 12% of children with BD, and 27% of children with PDD) [19]. In a consecutive series of adult patients referred with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, 7% had BD [20]. Autism spectrum disorder, BD and Tourette syndrome were found to co-occur at a greater than chance expectation in the study of Kerbeshian & Burd [21].

Also family data suggest an etiological link between AS and BD. DeLong and Dwyer [22] found that relatives of probands with PDD had a 4.2% prevalence of BD and that the prevalence was highest among relatives of probands with AS (6.1% versus 3.3% for relatives of probands with autism). Gillberg & Gillberg [23] found that 4 (17%) of 23 patients with AS and 3 (13%) of 23 patients with autism had a family history of affective disorder. Comparing children affected by autistic spectrum disorders with and without identifiable neurological disorder that could account for their autism, DeLong and Nohria [24] found that the latter had a higher rate of family history of affective disorder. On the contrary, Piven et al [25] found that major depression, but not BD, had higher lifetime prevalence in the parents of autistic probands in comparison with the general population.

Interestingly, a family history of BD may influence the phenomenology of patients with PDD. In subjects with autism spectrum disorder and a family history of BD, many features of childhood BD have been observed, including affective extremes, cyclicity, obsessive traits, neuro-vegetative disturbances, special abilities, and regression after initial normal development. On the other hand, subjects with autism spectrum disorder and without a family history of BD showed less florid agitation, fearfulness, and aggression, and were of lower functioning [26].

In a previous series of patients, we described common clinical features of patients with AS in the emergency psychiatric setting and discussed the differential diagnosis with psychotic disorders [27]. Here, we present three subjects affected by AS and concomitant bipolar spectrum disorders that outline some clinical features of these patients and discuss some troublesome and complex problems of their management.

Your Date Or Partner Seems Bored With You? Red Flag

Pay attention to how others react to you when you speak, when you enter a room, when you're in a room together, or when you're in a group. Different levels of friendship, loyalty, care, respect, and the lack thereof can be observed by the way others behave. They're not your real friend just because they say they are, or because they smile at you, or because they compliment you sometimes, or because they spoke to you for five or ten minutes and made eye contact. They're not even your friend just because they've invited you out a few times, or because there's "chemistry". Pay attention to the way they TREAT you, when you're alone with them and when there are others present, and when you're separated by distance. Do they seem bored easily with you? Are they way more "animated" and joyful when someone else enters the room, but with you it's just bleh? Or are you the person they seem happy to see, but for longer than the first fifteen minutes?

Lots of people have Narcissism issues without being full-blown NPD's, and will use others for companionship just so they're not alone. They can be bored out of their minds with a person, or not really like a person much, but just don't want to be by themselves, or want the person for something about them.

A lot of people do this with a person whom they're physically attracted to, but don't really LIKE or respect as a human being or as a friend. They'll keep trying to get the person to believe they like and respect them so they won't find someone else.
A real "relationship" is with someone who's an actual friend, which means the same as it does with any other friend. We don't hang out with people we don't really like or respect as platonic friends, or those we have nothing in common with and can't make a connection. It's no different with romantic relationships, if the person is ONLY attractive to another person in a physical sense, then pretending to "like" and "respect" them is nothing more than using them, just like using a person for their money.

Family is different, we may or may not "like" and want to hang out with certain family members much, but we treat them with respect and courtesy, and have a bond with them regardless. We can and should be able to be in the same house with them for hours, each doing different things. We were born into a family, we didn't CHOOSE to create a friendship or relationship with them. The way we treat one another in a family either makes or breaks it, but we didn't pick the individuals who are in it, nor did we ask to be invited.

But with friendships and partners, we are making a CHOICE, we aren't born into the relationship, it's not preexisting or predestined. We make friendships and partnerships because we have things in common that we enjoy and are interested in, shared humor, shared activities, etc. So if those things are not there, if "hanging out" is more like sitting with a family member who we don't have anything in common with, who we're being polite with but who doesn't really want to do anything with us or talk like good friends do, then there's something going on that doesn't add up. If the relationship is false, then if this is brought up, the other person will typically become defensive and even hostile. A real friend (platonic or romantic) would simply be concerned, not defensive or hostile, and want to figure out how to make it "good" again.

Quit Your Whining Victim Mentality

Narcissists, bullies, and abusers are always annoyed and dismissive toward those who stand up for targets of abuse and manipulation.

Stop Trusting Narcissistic People

Stop trusting people who act like they're bored by you, annoyed with you, or don't respect you, and stop trying to get their approval, their acceptance, or their love. You'll be amazed at how much happier and more confident you'll feel, and how much more you can accomplish, and how much more rested you'll feel.

Arguments And "Winning"

When you don't have the same point of view as someone else, it doesn't mean they want to "argue" or "win" or convince you that they're "right".
Everything is not about winning and losing, everything is not a competition.
You can BOTH be right, or you can BOTH be wrong, or one of you can be right and one can be wrong, WHO CARES?
What's important is the actual information or solution, not WHO is "right". 
If that's the most important thing, then the solution will probably never be found, and the relationship with the person will probably just get ground up.

Narcissism is...

People who have Narcissism:

have expectations about everything and everyone, most of the time, which are much higher for others than they are for themselves, with the exception of specific goals they want to achieve.

believe that the world is THEIR "oyster", and only a certain elite few also get to share that privilege. But they see most of the people they know as existing in "supporting roles", characters in their play or a fellow Elite Person's play, not as having the same kind rights or deserving of the same "privileges" as themselves.

are trapped in various childhood developmental stages, having internalized them and solidified them in their personality (often because they felt good) instead of maturing past them.

usually see people as living in a Hierarchy, with various levels of "natural Status", often in the shape of a pyramid. So there are few at the very top who are superior humans with entitlement to authority and some kind of "natural power". With each descending level people have less and less "deserved status", and less and less entitlement to power or control, all the way to the bottom.

tend to believe that they can assess what "level" a person belongs to (in their mind) by looking at them or hearing them speak.

tend to like for others near them to be on lower status levels (in their minds) than themselves, so they can feel "above" them, and therefore feel entitled to control, recognition, service, extra respect, and extra leeway.

do not have much of an "inner life"; when they're relaxing, they're not meditating or pondering, they're mostly just "blank": no thoughts, no observation of their own thoughts or feelings, no reviewing their day or their interactions with others, no contemplating or appreciating the beauty of the world around them. Relaxation means "nothingness".

like to control others by instigating and provoking various emotions.

like to control situations and people by triangulating, provoking, and orchestrating the movements, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and relationships between others.

like to control specifically targeted people with lies, threats, gaslighting, verbal or physical abuse, sabotage, manipulation, and slander.

will throw any person at all "under a bus", including their own child, to avoid consequences for themselves or to gain something.

will cross the country or the ocean for a personal gain, but won't cross the street to help someone (unless there's a gain in it). 

believe that any and all of their achievements, plans, and problems are more important and more valid than any and all of the achievements, plans, or problems of others.

react on a regular basis with envy and resentment toward others.

react to other people's hardship or emotional pain or frustration with defensiveness.

only seek connection with many of the people in their lives when they're bored or lonely, but otherwise treat those same people like they're "bothering them" when they're not bored or lonely.

need to be right and righteous, 100% of the time.

Don't Compromise Yourself To Fit In

Those with high ethical standards and integrity are always unpopular with those who don't share their values. Keep doing what you know is right even when it seems like the whole world is turning their back on you. Don't compromise yourself to gain their acceptance.

Remember that humans form groups based on common behaviors and motivations, so groups who drink heavily don't want non-drinkers around.
Groups who use drugs don't want non-drug-users around. Groups who make their living off corruption or crime don't want straight-laced people around.
Those who are seeking adulation or power don't like people who don't play along and give them extra special attention and praise, or bow down to them.
Groups who want to be seen as Good, or Important, Enlightened, or Attractive don't like those who don't participate in image-grooming.
And those who get a charge out of gossip, bullying, or manipulation don't like those who are straightforward, honest, strong, and who stand up for others or for themselves.

If you refuse to play their game, they're not going to want you around, and they're certainly not going to invite you to the party.
But if they did invite you, would you really want to go?

No Straight Answers: Superiority Complexes And Bad Communication, Lame Teaching, Bad Client and Customer Service

There are several reasons why it can be so difficult to communicate with those who deem themselves "superior", and others "inferior". The term "Narcissist" is often used to describe these folks, but that's more of a blanket term when used in this context. Humans often deem themselves superior to others based on all kinds of superficial comparisons, and also on fantasy-based assumptions, because it can give a person a feeling of confidence and capability, albeit false, but most people like to feel important to some extent no matter how they achieve that feeling.

One of the main reasons behind bad communication with Superiority Complex individuals is that when they have deemed another to be an "inferior", they can't actually comprehend what the person is saying, because they REINTERPRET everything the person says.  They want the person's statements or questions to be indicative of categorical ignorance or stupidity.

For example, if Allison asks a store clerk with a Superiority Complex "Do you carry Thompson's Deck Treatment?", the store clerk will REINTERPRET her simple, straightforward question that requires only an answer of "Yes" or "No", and hopefully where it's located in the store. Instead of hearing the actual question, since the clerk has deemed Allison "inferior" and is assuming she's less intelligent and ignorant, the clerk hears something like:

"Hi there, excuse me, sorry to bother you, hope I'm not interrupting you, can you please help me? I don't know anything about decks, and don't really even know what 'Thompson's' IS, or what a treatment is, or how to do it. I saw something on TV about how you should treat your deck (or~ my husband/brother/neighbor told me I should do this), and so I decided to just go see if I could find it at the store. Can you explain to me how decks are built, and what a treatment is, and what brands are good, and whether I should buy it or not, and if I can do it all by my little self?"

The Superiority Complex-store clerk will answer what he or she HEARD in their OWN HEAD, not what Allison ACTUALLY said, nor the WAY she said it. The clerk will not simply say "Yes" or "No", or "Yes, it's down aisle 7 on the right". He or she will instead see an opportunity to either "educate" Allison on decks, deck care, and deck treatment, because of the assumption that she's clueless, OR he or she will treat Allison dismissively and rudely, like she's taking up their time and space, interrupting them from their extremely important lives. (Regardless of the fact that Allison is a store customer just like anyone else, and their JOB is to treat her with the same respect and courtesy that they'd treat any other customer with.)

Further, if Allison looks or sounds similar to someone else they know, or similar to a stereotype or bias they hold in their imagination, they'll interpret what she says according to THAT, especially if they actually do have Narcissism.

This communication issue can be seen in all fields, all jobs, and all "levels" of jobs. When a person has a Superiority Complex, they assess others to be higher, equal to, or lower than themselves FIRST, and THEN they will interpret what the person says according to their assessment of them. So "straight answers" SANS condescension, pontification, disrespect, outright lying, manipulation, or dismissal are ONLY given to those whom they've deemed above or equal to themselves.

Those whom they deem inferior are assumed to know much less and comprehend much less. Therefore everything they say and do will be assumed as originating from a place of ignorance, experience, education, comprehension, worldliness, or even a lack of intelligence or mental stability, or "bad character", depending on how severe the person's Superiority Complex is.

Those with actual Narcissism will often assume that they can MANIPULATE those whom they've deemed inferior, and will often be utterly shocked, angry, and even enraged when a person whom they've lied to, conned, or betrayed turns out to be aware and more intelligent or worldly than they had assumed. (Narcissists will blame the person they were trying to deceive for their humiliation at getting caught, and often smear them or "retaliate" in some way, as if their TARGET was the one doing something wrong in the first place.)

In summation, those who condescend to others are usually trying to convince others of their "superiority", and are trying to seize an opportunity they think they see to treat another as an inferior.

The short answer for advice on trying to communicate with such a person:
Forget about it, ask someone else. If they're already talking down to you, overexplaining, avoiding answering directly, condescending, etc., they're unlikely to stop.

Blatant Lack Of Respect In Social Interactions

Narcissists do their relationship priorities BACKWARDS.
They care much more about what strangers and acquaintances think of them than they care about the well being of their own children, partner, family members, or "friends". 

They will not stand up for one of their family members or for their partner or a friend against disrespect, bullying, injustice, or abuse because they might lose the approval and acceptance of the people doing the disrespecting.

A Narcissist will readily go along with trashing or disrespecting a person (even right to their face) in their own family or "friendship" circle, including their own kids or their romantic partner, in order to gain acceptance from others.

In communities where Narcissism is rampant, one can witness blatant disrespect in simple human interactions, with certain people being treated with manners, greetings, and purposeful respect, and others being treated with obvious disrespect. Whether it's some kind of social event, gathering, or store or business, the behavior will often be the same in the given community no matter what the situation.

Even a pair of friends, or a married couple, or a pair of relatives standing right next to each other will often be treated completely differently from one another by those around them. One person may be spoken to directly, greeted respectfully and warmly, and the other person can be completely ignored and disrespected.

Also, the more Narcissism in a community, the more likely the person who's being greeted respectfully will NOT CARE that the person they're with is being treated poorly.

If there are no apparent social consequences for it in the local community, many people will ENJOY being treated as "superior" to the person they're with, and often even encourage it and go along with it.

Worthiness, Popularity, Importance

One of the things humans tend to do that's turned on "high" in those with Narcissism is judge people by how popular or respected they appear to be with others.

It's common for those who have ability and talent to get ignored or picked on by other people right up until something happens that makes them "famous", or they get some kind of institutional recognition that they can hang on the wall, or they can afford to buy some kind of Status symbol, like a big house or expensive car.

That's why so many people try so hard to get those things. It's not so much the money or the fame, it's more about the way they'll get treated by others. Humans tend to treat those they see as "popular" or "important" with much better manners and courtesy, and they'll even say that it's because the person "deserves it", which of course is saying that others do NOT deserve it. This is blaming others for one's bad manners and lack of respect and integrity.

Of course, people who do this to others WANT respect, courtesy, and understanding for themselves, regardless of their own level of popularity or "importance", they apparently don't apply their own parameters for the way they treat others to themselves.

This common unfortunate human social behavior causes many of the problems that people have both personally and in society.

Those with Narcissism do this on a regular basis, however they seem to believe that it's ACCURATE to treat others better or worse according to their popularity with others, and whether they deem them to be an "important person".

This is one of the main reasons behind their obsession with their own image, being seen in a certain light by others. Since they think it's perfectly okay and normal to only treat those who are "important" or "popular" with respect or manners, they of course NEED to be one of those people. They HAVE TO BE an "important person", wanted, popular, recognized, accepted by certain people, and MORE important than certain others in comparison...
Otherwise, they would be, in their mind, one of the UNIMPORTANT people who they think don't matter, and who aren't worthy of respect and manners.

Relationships With Narcissists

The thing about any kind of relationship with a person who has Narcissism is that they literally don't care about or respect the other person's point of view, their intelligence, their experience, their future plans and goals, their needs, their wants, their uniqueness, their boundaries, their person, or their current well-being.
Of course they will say that they respect and care about all of these things, even very much. But they don't really know what it means.

They'll continue to do and say things forever that leave a person cold, uncomfortable, humiliated, traumatized, or just plain "screwed" on a worldly, material level.
A person with Narcissism can't do "companionship", they can't do "having your back", they don't do "empathy" or "objectivity", they can't do genuine connection, they only cooperate with those they deem "elite" like they deem themselves, they can't and don't want to do self-control, and they can't take hearing anything about themselves whatsoever, not even five minutes after they just tore you to pieces or shattered your peace of mind. Not five minutes after, not the next day, not the following week, month, year, or five, or twenty-five years later. Not ever.

You CAN'T EVER BE upset with them, you can't be angry, you can't be sad, you can't even be slightly annoyed. When in any relationship with a Narcissist, they want to be the only one who has the privilege of having or expressing any kind of emotion, especially anything that's like annoyance, anger, or being "upset". You're not even "allowed" to have any kind of trauma issues that you need healing or understanding about, nor are you "allowed" to have any physical illnesses or injuries, and if you do, you're on your own. They'll be the last person to help you no matter what your relationship is to them, be it "partner", parent/child, sibling, relative, neighbor, coworker, or "friend". If they help you because they feel like they have no choice, you'll probably wish they hadn't.

Narcissists do NOT care about others, or their effect on others, or how they treat others, because they can't.

Opposite Feedback, Automatic Countering

Giving opposite feedback to others.
Dissonance instead of resonance.
Automatic countering.
Doing the opposite of what a "natural reaction" to another would be.
Automatic invalidation.
Compulsion to hurt or provoke, as opposed to help or soothe.
Compulsion to control or betray as opposed to cooperate or support.

During their youths, Controllers (mostly Narcissists, but some others as well) learned a TRICK.

DO OR SAY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE NATURAL RESPONSE WOULD BE.

GIVE THE OPPOSITE FEEDBACK OF WHAT THE NATURAL, ACCURATE FEEDBACK SHOULD BE.

(So as adults, they would be seen treating a mentally stable person as if they're crazy; or an honest, upstanding person as if they're a liar and a cheat; or a talented or skilled person as a novice or a wanna-be, etc.)

For example:
If they think a girl or boy is good-looking and they RESENT them for it, simply treat them AS IF he or she is ugly, unwanted, even disgusting.

If they RESENT (envy) a girl or boy for being "funny", simply treat them AS IF they're stupid, annoying, or unwanted.

If they RESENT (fear) a girl or boy because they seem physically strong or skilled, simply treat them AS IF they're weak, incapable, clumsy, or unwanted.

If they RESENT (envy, fear) a girl or boy because they're apparently "smart", simply treat them AS IF they're "slow", foolish, crazy, or forgetful.

SAY the opposite of what a natural response would be:

If a targeted child says it's raining outside, say the OPPOSITE of what a natural response would be (like "oh yeah, it is, look at the dark clouds") and say INSTEAD something like "It's JUST sprinkling. It's going to stop soon."

If a targeted child says that another kid picked on them at school, don't give the child support, don't ask who the kid is, don't ask what happened, and don't console the child, stand up for the child, or help empower the child.
Do the OPPOSITE of all those natural responses:
Tell the child to stop whining, tell them that it was their fault, and then get away from the child.

If a targeted child accomplishes something they're proud of (especially if it's something "important" to the child, or in school or community), the natural response would be expressing joy and pride, or making a gesture of celebration and recognition, big or small.
So do the OPPOSITE of those things: act uninterested, belittle the accomplishment, talk about one's OWN accomplishment instead, talk about something completely irrelevant, brag about someone ELSE'S accomplishment, make fun of the child, or walk away.

Some will often also physically threaten or attack a child whom they envy, resent, or fear.

~If they're afraid that the child they've bullied or tricked is going to "tell", or if the child stands up to them, they will treat the child with MORE bullying, trying to instill FEAR, in order to stop them from either "telling", OR standing up for themselves.

If another child is being bullied or attacked, DON'T stand up for them, protect them, or console them; do the opposite of that. Either go along with the attack, or do nothing except watch or walk away.

If another child appears sad, anxious, scared, shy, or physically injured, do the OPPOSITE of the natural reaction (which would be to act like a friend or help them), and treat them WORSE than usual. Purposely ignore them, put them down, or leave.

If they RESENT another child because they are expected to take care of them, they may continually bully the child with all kinds of tactics, from threats used to provoke a FEAR reaction, to actual assault, to insulting and humiliating the child, to making the child feel unwanted, even hated, by the bully and/or their friends.
Eventually, the target child will avoid the bullying (or abusive) child, making the "babysitting" much easier...
(it's a piece of cake to "care for" someone else if you're not really caring for them or giving them any attention - because they avoid you and stay quiet, even hide - and therefore don't ask for anything or even do something, such as play outside, that you might need to pay attention to.)

WHAT THEY LEARN
(AND KEEP, AND FINE-TUNE FOR USE IN ADULTHOOD):

They discover that doing or saying the OPPOSITE of what a healthy, natural, neutral or positive reaction would be does a few things:

~It causes immediate confusion in other people

~It can cause fear or anxiety in others

~It can give the Controller a facade of strength and confidence, because the opposite reactions appear to be "independence", "autonomy", "leadership" and "intelligence", simply because they are different from the expected.

~Because of the aforementioned effects of OPPOSITE reacting, speaking, and behaving, the Controller is often able to manipulate other people and situations to their advantage.

~It gets them out of responsibility and accountability

~Since people often misinterpret their behavior as a display of being "confident", "strong" or "knowledgeable", they find it easy to take a leadership role in many groups that they're in. People will follow them and believe them (due to the confusion and misinterpretation.)

~People will often stand up for them because they've misinterpreted them to be a "strong", "good", "innocent", or "wise Leader type" or a "go getter", or a "fatherly" or "motherly" type.

To demonstrate the way the human mind tends to emotionally and mentally react to the OPPOSITE of natural expectations, play some natural chords on a piano or a guitar, and notice the way the harmony and resonance is kind of soothing and nice. Then play a dissonant chord, like hitting a bunch of random keys or strings together, and notice how that feels, and how the mind PAYS MORE ATTENTION to it and remembers it.

Control Tactic: Opposite Response Behavior

The tactic of doing or saying the OPPOSITE of what a natural or healthy human reaction would be toward another, especially a Target, is used by controllers and bullies in order to gain leverage and control, and also to appear authoritative and powerful. It helps them gain control and stay in control.
(Unless one sees through the tactic.)
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*The most common example of this is making noises or demanding attention when a Target is resting or sleeping. It's seemingly trivial, but it's actually VERY important, and directly affects the Target's health and well-being, and is actually an abusive behavior when done purposely.
Sleep deprivation is also a brainwashing and submission tactic.
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This Opposite behavior often becomes an automatic habit with those who have control or narcissism issues; they may not even realize they're doing it, because they've done it for so long.
The behavior is often used as a domination tactic or a status display.

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So when another person appears to need support for any reason, the OPPOSITE of giving support would be to ignore them, criticize them, insult them, and WITHDRAW help, companionship, resources, or emotional support.

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Targets of Controllers and Narcissists will receive this OPPOSITE reaction and behavior on a consistent basis.

When a Target needs ANYTHING, that will be the thing that's made HARD TO GET or UNAVAILABLE to them by the Controller.

"Needs" that are made hard to get or unavailable by Controllers and Narcissists toward Targets can include absolutely anything, from simple respect, courtesy, and neutral feedback, to professional conduct in a business relationship.
It can include guidance, mentoring, or respectful teaching or caregiving in an educational or healthcare setting.
It can include shelter, food, water, resources, SLEEP, protection, assistance, sanctuary, courtesy, respect, care, and emotional support in a family setting.
It can include any kind of support or assistance, honesty, companionship, integrity, respect, or cooperation in a friendship or a romantic relationship.

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When a Target has EXTRA need for something specific, such as sleep, protection from another person, help, shelter, a ride, emotional support, or resources help, that is when a Controller or Narcissist will often not only WITHDRAW support, but DEMAND MORE from the Target.

OPPOSITE response. When a Target has an extra financial burden, that's when the Controller will not only refuse help, but request or demand money from the Target.

When a Target is obviously exhausted from an ordeal or from a physically or mentally demanding task, that's when the Controller will request or demand assistance from the Target, or make sure somehow that the Target CAN'T rest because of noise or interruption.

*(Narcissists often make noise when Targets are sleeping.)
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Controllers/Narcissists pick and choose WHO to "grace" with NORMAL respect, courtesy, assistance, and (selective) ethical behavior.
And they choose WHO to WITHDRAW and DENY NORMAL respect, courtesy, assistance, and ethical behavior FROM.

FOR EXAMPLE:
If a Target is in the hospital for an illness, the Controller/Narcissist will likely NOT visit them or assist them, or only make a small gesture of a visit, because they "don't have time" or "can't get there".
But when someone whom the Controller wants to IMPRESS or wants APPROVAL FROM is in the same hospital, the Controller will suddenly find the time and resources to visit them, help them, probably even bring them gifts or offer them rides.

If a Target-student asks for help from a Controller teacher or school faculty, the Controller will be too busy, or their "hands are tied", or they'll tell the student that they need to do whatever it is on their own. But if a FAVORED student asks for help from the same Controller teacher or faculty member, they'll suddenly be available and capable of giving all kinds of help.

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Targets will be given the OPPOSITE of whatever the natural, healthy human response would be by Controllers, and especially from Narcissists.

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Natural response:
If a person is upset about something serious that happened to them, the natural, healthy human reaction to that would be basically to ask what happened, then listen to them tell about the event in a respectful, courteous manner, acknowledging that they're being heard, and giving verbal signals and body language that indicate that the listener is interested, understands what's being said, and cares.
After listening with interest and respect, if there is something the listener can do to help, and also depending on the relationship with the person and the listener's current realistic ability to help, then it would be done.
(Assuming healthy boundaries and no codependency or control.
Obviously, there would be more help if the healthy relationship is family, close friendship, or romantic, and still according to the realistic ability of the other person.)

So when another person appears to be upset, the natural human reaction is to find out what's wrong with interest, WITHOUT making assumptions, by actually LISTENING to what the person SAYS happened, without interrupting, "advising", or condescending;
keeping respect and the person's well-being as one's focus. 
Then to give help according to one's realistic ability at the time, and according to the relationship.
That does, of course, include "professionals" in mental and physical health caregiver positions.

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What a Controller or Narcissist would likely do when they see that a person (Target person) is upset about something:

The OPPOSITE of a natural, healthy reaction, such as showing DISINTEREST in hearing what happened.

Displaying ANNOYANCE toward the upset person.

Showing COLDNESS toward the person.

Implying that the person is CRAZY or HISTRIONIC.

Showing meanness toward the person.

Interrupting the person when they're telling what happened.

Interrupting the person in order to give them "advice".

Defending anyone who the person says treated them poorly.

Instead of support, give the opposite: criticism, insults, and condescension.

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Controllers in "professional" or business positions use this tactic all the time to appear authoritative and gain control; most people don't seem to be able to discern what they're really doing.
Even in the mental health fields.

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Atmospheres where these OPPOSITE tactics can be observed very clearly if one is watching for it are groups where people are trying to gain power, gain authority, gain prestige, gain wealth, gain control over others, and/or look "tough", such as criminal circles like drug dealing, weapons dealing, 'organized crime', and human trafficking.
But ALSO in groups that involve Politics, government, organizations, law, and law enforcement. ALSO in "high finance" fields and businesses.
ALSO in many science fields.
Any groups or fields where many are seeking PRESTIGE, recognition, notoriety, and power, along with financial gain.

The behavior is commonly hidden and denied in other types of atmospheres, such as local community, local or smaller businesses and work atmospheres, mental or physiological health care, and families, "friendships", and "romantic relationships".

Along With The Crowd

It's an automatic Human behavior to try to fit in with the surrounding crowd, because of the fact that we're social primates.
In the 'wild', not fitting in with the group means risk of rejection or attack, even ostracism, which can result in death.
Those who have less self-awareness, weaker boundaries, and a weaker "moral compass" are much more prone to follow along with whatever the crowd around them is doing, regardless of what they're doing or whether they're causing danger or harm to themselves or to others.

It takes stronger character, self-awareness, self-respect, care for others, and comprehension of the reasons for integrity and ethics, values and civility to refuse to go along with whatever the crowd is doing or whatever they command, and to stand up for others who are being treated poorly.

Many simply identify the crowd they're in as the "good people crowd", and don't actually pay attention to what's really going on and what people are really doing. They categorize everything their "good people crowd" is doing as automatically "okay" or "right".

Losers, Black Sheep, Scapegoats: ICKY

Hard one for me to wrap my mind around, but true:

Many with superiority complex issues actually see other people, even their own children and other relatives, as "ICKY".
The way they see toads, rodents, snakes, insects (and often even birds) as "ICKY".

And when it's not about "ICKY", it's "crazy", "stupid", "weak" or "incapable"; categorically inferior creatures that one doesn't want to touch too much, do things with, listen to, GIVE assistance or support to, GET assistance or support FROM (at least not with others knowing about it), or be ASSOCIATED with by others.

My daughter/son/nephew/niece/brother/sister/cousin the LOSER, the WEIRDO, the FREAK... WE don't associate with the likes of her or him.

That kid in school, that neighbor girl, that coworker, that person at church. Ew, they're gross, they're weird, they're different, they're not like us, don't touch them, don't talk to them, don't let people see you talk to them, don't treat them with respect, kindness, or civility.

As if people (or animals) are valued the same way gems are; by element, size, weight, color, clarity and cut.
Diamonds are more valuable than rubies, then sapphires, emeralds, pearls, and opals...
Then each gem is valued individually with the four C's.

They'll also judge a person as "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" for not going along with this judging and rejecting, for standing up for others, and for treating people and animals whom they've judged "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" with common civility or care. (So if you don't join them in rejecting the "weirdo", or scapegoating or bullying a target, and especially if you stand up for the person (OR ANIMAL) that they're attacking or rejecting, they'll reject YOU, too. You become a weirdo/scapegoat by default, and like you're only standing up for them because you must be an Icky or Crazy too. They can't comprehend true compassion, fairness, or civility.)

(It's very important to understand that this projection of inferiority has absolutely nothing to do with the person who's being seen or treated as an inferior creature, and EVERYTHING to do with emotional or mental illness of those projecting the judgment. It can also be attributed to developmental delay, and can often be seen in the "mentally challenged". For example one caregiver or health worker will be accepted by a Client, and another will be rejected by them for no discernible reason except that the worker, who seems clean, kind, and "normal" to everyone else, seems to creep or gross the client out. It does happen that a Client will like and trust a caregiver/worker who really doesn't do a good job or care about them, and reject one who does.).

Control And Bully Tactic: Double Binds

Double binds are a favorite control tactic of narcissists and bullies. They love to give advice, and then treat the person they gave the advice to like they're doing something wrong, stupid, or shameful when they follow it.

Like "You need to stand up for yourself!"
~Then when the person stands up for themselves, they are criticized and belittled.

"If you need help, don't be afraid to ask!"
~Then when the person follows this "sage" advice and asks for help, that same controller will act like the person is being demanding, needy, pathetic, or asking for a million dollars.

"There are no stupid questions."
~Of course when the person asks a question, they get condescended to, made fun of, snapped at, or called stupid.

"If you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here."
~When said by a controller or narcissist, this is an invitation to divulge your personal information, relationship issues, weaknesses, and past traumas so they can use them against you another time, condemn you, tell someone else what you said, or spread gossip.
"You should do that, go for it, you're very good...talented...smart...capable...knowledgeable.."
~Then it's "well you're really just an amateur, you don't really know what you're doing, or what you're talking about, or how to go about it."

"You have to take the bull by the horns."
or,
"You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you can do it."
or,
"Do what you love to do, the pieces will fall into place!"
~Until the Controller who gave this advice sees the target take initiative, and then it's "You can't just charge ahead like that" or "Don't expect to be successful, it's more likely that you'll fail" or
"You're not THAT good, not good enough to make a living at it."
or "Who do you think you are?! You think you're all that?"

"Always respect others' point of view."
~Translation: Always respect MY point of view, but if yours is different, shut up, you're already wrong, and if you don't shut up, then you'll be barraged with Ad Hominem attacks, and probably rejected socially.

"Be fair, compassionate, kind, and polite to others, and they'll return the same to you."
~This works with people who have actual integrity and manners, not with those who give advice in order to feel superior and to control others.
Translation: You be polite, fair, and kind to me, and to everyone else, and shut up about it when we snub you, gossip about you, condescend to you, manipulate you, and treat you rudely, inconsiderately, hostilely, and disrespectfully.

The double bind serves a purpose:
"We'll blame OUR behavior, and the way we treat you, on YOUR actions. Everything that happens to you and everything that others do to you is YOUR fault, I am/we are blameless and innocent, it's all you. You brought all of it on yourself... if you had heeded my advice, WE would not have been forced to treat you that way...."

Apparently only CERTAIN people are worthy of success, allowed to speak their mind and have their own point of view, or allowed to stand up for themselves against unfairness, disrespect, or bullying.

And apparently only CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE are accountable for their own behavior, and those same people are responsible for everyone else's behavior and life as well...

Red flag: Unsolicited advice, condescending advice, advice with negative assumptions about you in it, and advice that sounds like it's taken from a talk show, celebrity, coach, drill sergeant, someones relative, self-help book, song, or affirmation meme (without referencing who said it or why).

Living In The Race: Winning Is Everything

Controllers are focused on other people, especially Narcissists, so they don't just do what they're doing or just focus on their goals.

Like runners in a race, some runners are concentrating on the terrain, their breathing, their pace, keeping their muscles from cramping, their stamina, and finishing the race. Other thoughts might be about loved ones or inspirational thoughts or memories, and perhaps the interesting landscape they're passing, the lovely day, or spectators cheering them on.

They are focused on the other runners in a peripheral way as fellow competitors, or in a kindred spirit way as fellow runners, but not with contempt. If another runner twisted their ankle or collapsed, they would notice, and would make sure someone came to help them. If there was no one else around, they would stop and help the fellow runner themselves, giving up their position in the race.

Some runners, however, are focused solely on their own performance and body, and on the performance and bodies of the other runners. Their thoughts are filled with advantages, weaknesses, and leverage. They're not thinking about loved ones, or "fellowship" with other runners (unless there happens to be famous people in the race), nor are they thinking about how great it is to be able to participate in the race.

Some of those runners are focused mostly on finding weaknesses in the other runners, and how they can exploit those weaknesses to their advantage. All they care about is beating the other runners and being the WINNER of the race so they can receive the recognition, award, and praise. They'll do anything they can get away with (within their personal, tweaked version of 'values') to win.

Their emotions and motives are limited to desire to dominate, desire for recognition, contempt, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy.

If any opportunity presents itself to kick dust in another runner's face, they'll take it. If they think they can get away with bumping or tripping another runner, they'll do it. If another runner falls down, they'll feel happy about it, not concerned, and the only way they'll stop to help that person is if they think someone 'important" is watching.

They will have contempt for certain other runners whom they harbor prejudice against (typically ancestry, size, sex,or sexual orientation), and will try even harder to beat them or sabotage them.

If someone whom they judge as "naturally inferior" to them is ahead of them, or apparently beating them, their contempt and resentment will grow to colossal proportions, even hatred.

They are likely to believe that anyone who's not participating in the race, especially spectators, are UNABLE to participate in the race because of their "inferior physiques" and fitness levels.

If they don't come in first, they will consider themselves to have FAILED, since their goal was to attain the recognition and praise of "winning". They're likely to feel self-loathing, or to feel contempt, resentment, and envy for those who came in ahead of them, and also for lots of other people involved in the race. They're likely to feel deep EMBARRASSMENT and humiliation because they didn't WIN. They may or may not show it, and they may or may not "retaliate" somehow for this perceived personal humiliation.

If they DO win the race, they're likely to feel utterly deserving, like it was a done deal before the race even started, like they're the "superior specimen" present and all the other humans are lesser specimens. They might even feel pity for the other runners, as if they aspire to be like them, but just can't cut it. They will not have remorse or regret for bullying or sabotaging other runners, or leaving anyone who fell; they'll actually see themselves as simply being "more clever" and "more savvy". Nor will they feel regret about using illegal steroids or cheating; again, they'll just see it as "savviness".

If they do win, it won't just be a race well-run, with gratitude for the experience and opportunity, nor with gratitude toward anyone who supported them. It will be evidence of their "superiority", and they're likely to brag about it and display their trophy or medal every chance they get for a very long time.

Putting Others Ahead Of Yourself

That feeling of self-imposed limbo, where you stop yourself from doing all kinds of things that you want or need to do, and feel a rubber-band-like feeling of tension and anxiety?

That's conditioning.

Don't do anything you want or need to do, because you will be interrupted, stopped, criticized, controlled, "advised", invaded, sabotaged, or called for a request or service for someone else.

Sit still and wait for the next request, command, or crisis.

Your subconscious has learned that there are FEWER consequences in waiting for the other shoe to drop than in doing things that you initiated yourself, things you need or want to do.

Your unconscious may also have bought into believing that it's morally correct and good to SERVE others, especially certain others, INSTEAD OF taking care of your own business. Which includes your bills, your career, your schooling, your living situation, your car, and any goals. It includes your self-care, for your body, mind, and spirit. It also includes your positive relationships, your kids, your partnership, and social connections.
Basically anything that YOU would do because you need to, want to, or like to.

Serving and caring for others is a good thing. Serving others INSTEAD OF taking care of your own business and yourself is NOT, and the purpose of this conditioning is so that you will become a voluntary slave, making yourself and your resources fully available to another, with no restrictions, and no self-protection.

It also renders a person weak and vulnerable, which means they do NOT have personal 'power".

They not only can be controlled by others, but they also have rendered themselves (inadvertently) INCAPABLE of being a confident person who makes anything happen or change, or who has any influence or voice in their group, family, or community.