Triggers; Control

      If you feel like every time you finally start to heal, have a moment of happiness, or feel like peace is coming to your heart again, that something happens to knock you back down~ it might actually be real. But not necessarily random.
      Human beings are master observers, whether we are aware of it or not. We notice the most subtle change in body language, and others notice these subtle changes in us. If you have a controller in your life, or more than one (which is the usual case), they are often even more astute than the average person at reading body language cues, noticing the slightest changes. They may have learned this skill out of self-preservation, or they may have honed it because they enjoy predation, or possibly just because manipulation is a habit within their families. Whatever the reason, the controller is often very much attuned to the smallest changes in others, especially their targets.
     A controller's target is anyone they want to have power over. The reasons can range widely. Possessiveness, wanting to be their target's sole focus of attention, is common. Wanting power over the target's resources is also common. Sometimes envy of another person's being, their personality, their happiness, their light, is the reason a controller seeks to push them down, down below them.
     In order to stay in power over another person, a controller keeps a lid on the emotional growth and strength of their target. They are actually hyper-vigilant of their target's body language and physiological changes. Laughter and outward displays of happiness are obvious to most of us, but to a controller, much more subtle changes are noticed. Extremely subtle. Such as the glow on your cheeks after a happy time, or an air of liberation around you when you feel like you are about to accomplish something. The look of focus in your eyes or on your face when you notice something that catches your interest or inspires you; the relaxed look of peace after a nice time; the feeling of relief when you realize that you have more money in the bank than you expected. The optimistic glint in your eye when you are planning a project that excites you. Even when these signs are miniscule, they will probably notice them. And those signs are their hair-triggers to sabotage.
     It can be hard for a person who is not a controller to wrap their mind around this kind of focus on another person, especially for these reasons. But this controller person's focus in life is not the same as a healthier person; the control IS how they conduct their lives. It's how they get through their day. For many, it has become such a way of life that it is mostly subconscious and automatic, they don't even need to think about it to carry out their manipulation; it's reactive.
     An example of this subtle sabotage: It's a beautiful night. You have been trying to get yourself to go walking more often, and since it's so gorgeous out, you decide to get your shoes on and go. Happy with yourself, and happy about the weather, your face shows a warm glow as you mention what you are about to do, and ask if anyone wants to join you. The response you get is not mutual appreciation for the lovely day, or shared enthusiasm for enjoying it on a walk; instead you get a cold, annoyed, or indifferent shrug, or a complaint about something that needs to be done or how hard their day was. You may also be told that they are much too busy to do something as leisurely as a walk. These responses might occasionally come from a non-controller, but without a feeling of heaviness; usually a refusal would be something more like "Oh I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of this thing I'm doing, go ahead, have a nice walk!" or "I can't go with you, I hurt my foot today, but go ahead!" or "I'd like to but I'm waiting for so and so to come over. Maybe later?" The difference is the air of genuine respect and politeness, as opposed to an implication of annoyance or some other negative feeling. The controller wants to dull the edge of your jubilant mood.
     It may help to keep in mind that the controller's behavior is not about you, it's simply about their own need and desire to have power over their environment, which includes you.
    
     

Puzzle Me This, Charlie Brown:

So... psychology professionals overwhelmingly state that most people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder are men. The last number I read was 75% of Narcs are male. Then... why is it that if you look for studies and literature on Narc. Fathers, you find vague references to Narc. Parents, but reams of information about Narc. Mothers? They even have names for the different personality profiles.
Hmmm... 75% of Narcs are males... but we don't like to write about the damage they inflict on their kids, only the damage they inflict on their partners... but we really enjoy focusing on the damage that Narc. Mothers inflict on their kids...  But only 25% of Narcs are female, and as stated in psych. literature only 1% of the population has NPD.
So... How come the numbers don't make sense, Charlie Brown?

Good Boy, Good Man; Good Girl, Good Woman

"Be a good boy, do your chores, don't talk back, get your homework done, do your best at your sport, or your music, or your science project."

Unfortunately, this common mantra of instruction for "being a good boy" does not include how to interact with others, how to think critically, or why either one is important. Nor does it include how to deal with others who have no idea how to interact with others.
       Without being taught the hows and whys of interaction, respect, courtesy, and healthy boundaries, children can easily get stuck in a belief that says "I am good if I get all my work done, and if I don't talk back to whoever I perceive as an authority figure" and that's the end of it. Without learning how and why to interact with others in a truly respectful manner, a child will go straight to adulthood without ever passing through to maturation.
      This simplistic belief "system" often results in broken and tumultuous relationships, chaotic lifestyles, and even habitual criminal behavior. The chaos is exponential when the person is surrounded by others who have this limited belief issue; everyone in their life is always trying to prove their innocence and worth by "being a good man" or "being a good woman", based on the very small template they learned as children. And they often do this by comparison against others, using these same limited "rules", which results in a judgmental, hostile environment.
      If a child is lucky enough to have a role model who teaches them critical thinking by example, then the child may help themselves mature further than these limited instructions, even if there were no role models otherwise. But without the ability to teach one's self through objective observation and strength to truly learn from failure, the child will likely remain at the age where he or she felt that they "arrived" at an understanding of what it means to be a "good person." There may be no more learning for that person, barring catastrophe that turns their world upside down, giving them cause to stop and look around. And even then, many simply bounce back like an elastic band to their childhood belief system.
      Being a "good man" or "good woman" extends far beyond one's own achievements, and one's ability to avoid consequence. It extends far beyond getting approval from certain people, far beyond being accepted into a community or group. It is a learning process that, if taken seriously, can fill one's entire day every day of their lives, and still go on.

Abusive Relationship Help: 13 Steps To A Peaceful Home

 

Our wounds run deep and in the case of the narcissistic personality, there is a deep denial as well.  There is a denial that says “I can’t possibly be this unhappy, or in this much pain.  It has to be her/his fault.  She/he is making me feel this way.”

http://www.narcissismfree.com/art-narcissistic-bubble.php

Can narcissism be cured?

"I think the problem we have here is that most people seeking the change are the victims of narcissistic abuse, not the narcissists themselves. The victims entertain fantasies of approaching the narcissist and saying "honey, I think you might have a problem, or you may have narcissistic personality disorder, and I need you to get some help for this little problem or I'm going to leave."

The fantasy is that the narcissist will say "yes, honey, you are absolutely right, I've always felt something was deeply wrong with me and I want to change. I will schedule an appointment with the therapist this week."

HA! Not likely, although I'm sure some readers have heard a similar story in the narcissist's attempt to gain control of the relationship.

The more likely reaction will be the wrath of narcissistic rage being unleashed upon you. You have just threatened his security, which is the illusion he lives in. You are likely to be the subject of attack on just why it is that YOU are the one with the problem and he will deliver his wrath in such a way you begin to believe it."

http://www.narcissismfree.com/cure-for-narcissism.php

More Narcissism Understood: M. Evans

"Narcissism is a grave condition of insecurity and desperately feeling unloved and unacceptable. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder inherently believes they are ‘damaged goods’ and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless. Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn’t work the intimidation begins. Narcissism is categorised as an unhealthy level of self-absorption and a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behaviour affects the world around them.
Sadly, when many women realise that the narcissist is insecure and isn’t reassured, she’ll try harder to love him. Additionally he’ll blame his behaviour on something that you are or aren’t doing, and as women we may try to ‘do it better’ or ‘get it right’. Your increased efforts to love him and make him happy only lines you up for more abuse. "

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

>>>(From me:)  The person who has Narcissism pretty much got stuck at a childhood stage when something happened to him or her, so this personality issue is not difficult to understand if one can remember what a lot of children are like, before they develop the ability to empathize with other people. Before they learn to include others in their thoughts, actions, and plans. Before they learn to think about HOW they are reacting. Before they learn about how to treat others, and WHY, and before they learn that other people, regardless of their race or gender, are just as real and important as themselves. Remember the little boys on the local baseball team? Remember how they were trying to be "men", by trying to act tough and trying to boss people around? Including adults, like their mothers, seeing how far they could go? Confusing self-confidence with superiority. And remember that their displays of frustration and anger were still very childlike, and they would react in a mean, tantrum way if they didn't get what they wanted? Remember how they would have one kid as a friend one day, and ditch that kid the next day, because a "tougher" kid wanted to play? And made up excuses for their inconsiderate and self-centered behavior, trying to justify it? Remember how they would break the rules, or do something mean, and believe that saying "I'm sorry" or giving a present actually erased the misdeed, and fixed all the damage they caused, so they didn't learn not to do it again, or why? Remember how, when they were caught doing something wrong, they would try to shrug off accountability by accusing someone else of doing something wrong too? ("Jimmy, you hit your brother, you are grounded." "Yeah but he hit me last week!" "Yes, and he was grounded for it." "It's not fair!" "How is that not fair?" "Because, he was bothering me, that's why I hit him!"...) That's the age that the narcissist is stuck. They are stuck in the snapshot of that age. The trauma could have been anything, something you wouldn't even consider.
People can and do grow out of that stage, naturally, in a healthy environment, with supportive adults. But take those factors away; healthy environment, supportive adults; and you get a kid who has to raise himself. If a person with this issue seeks help for it, and gets the right help, they can recover. The biggest obstacle is the fact that the person will probably kick and scream at the thought of "getting help", or of facing that there is anything "wrong" with them at all. Children do not feel immature, or developmentally halted. They feel as if they are at the pinnacle of maturity, no matter what age they are at. And so does a person who is stuck in childhood. The good news for an adult narcissist is that he is not a child, and so his maturity would go much, much faster, since he has actually lived through years of life. He has a wealth of experience to draw from. It's his getting to the help that is the problem, and being able to face it.
>>>If he can't, then he will remain at that age for the rest of his life, tragically. He will remain at an age where he does not find joy in supporting others, where he does not want to "sit down and watch" his sister play baseball, but wants her to go away so he can have the spotlight and have everyone only clap for him; where he believes that he is superior, and he belongs to the group that is the most superior and who have authority over others; where he believes that all the presents should be for him, and all the pity, and all the applause, and all the understanding and sympathy, and therefore does not have any for anyone else; where he gets bored listening to someone else's stories and opinions very quickly, and will always try to bring the conversation back to his own point of view, and if he can't he will sulk, whine, attack, cause a distraction, or leave; where he becomes hurt or angry if everything he does is not applauded by people he ignores and dismisses; where he can not put down his own troubles, OR accomplishments, in order to support someone else for any length of time; where he really believes that his is better than others, or more put-upon than others, or smarter than others, or has more potential than others, has more important things to do than others, or suffers more than others, and therefore deserves special treatment, and that they do not. 
>>>If he can, then he can recover.

Narcissism Understood M. Evans

This I have witnessed way too many times in the Northeast, not just toward me:

"Male narcissists are misogynists. They desperately seek women yet inwardly despise them. These men are totally turned on by extreme sexuality yet are perversely disgusted by attractive female attributes, believing women are promiscuous, sexually manipulative and attention seeking. The male narcissist will often play out a deep subconscious ‘mother-revenge’ by running his female partner into the ground. He will destroy her self-esteem, femininity and sexuality piece by piece."

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

The stronger the spirit, the less tempted the mind, the less wavering the footsteps, the less hesitant the hand, the less glaring the eyes, the less vicious the mouth, the less mean the laughter, the fuller the heart.

Control Behavior

There are a lot of human beings who habitually try to control others. A LOT of them. The reasons vary, but often come back to trying to make others fulfill their needs and desires, including simply a feeling of being in control. These people are all around us, in all walks of life, in all socio-economic and political groups, in every neighborhood, in nearly all families. Some try to control a lot, some a little, but it is all a means to an end, their end.
People who seek a lot of control and who have anger and resentment issues, and also want to remain being seen as "innocent", "laid back", "cool", often use Passive Aggressive behavior. Taking a jab at another person in a sideways kind of way, with the intent of getting away with it. Of appearing guilt free, or as the real victim. These were the kids who walk by the neighbor's dog too close, in order to get its attention and make him bark, but look straight ahead whistling while doing it. They are the wife who "forgets" that she made plans with her girlfriend on Friday night, and the husband who "forgets" that he said he was going to be around all day on Saturday. The mother who makes her son's least favorite sandwich for school lunch, and the father who fixes the car while his daughter isn't home, after she asked him to teach her how. The "friend" who never notices anything you accomplish, or acts indifferent toward anything creative you do.
One of the hardest things to believe about Controllers is how they go about gaining control over another; they LEARN. Step by step, inch by inch, through observation, trial and error, exactly what makes another person tick. That is why they are so effective, and so damaging. The mother who invalidates her daughter when she begins to show enthusiasm about astronomy, but practically applauds when her daughter expresses an interest in healthcare. They are very specific, and very sly. If this mother catches the tiniest twinkle in the eye of her daughter when there is anything about astronomy within 5 miles, she will shut her down, and do it so covertly that all the daughter thinks is happening is that she simply can't get her astronomy interest off the ground, to create anything practical out of it. Anyone can do this to anyone else; children frequently master the art of control over their own parents.
If you would like to learn more about Passive Aggressive behavior, I recommend clicking here:

 http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/pa_anger.htm

Awake

Top 50 Idiot Sexist Political Quotes

The thing that freaks me out the most about this list is the fact that I actually used to believe that human beings who had grown to adulthood did not do this anymore. Interesting how everyone just sweeps it under the rug, like "it's just the way things are". Really? Let's see what happens if that amount of racial slurring spewed out of these mouths and out of their keyboards. What would happen then? And how exactly did people learn so well to control THAT, but seem to have a terribly hard time controlling this vomit? Oh... right... that would be MONKEY GROUP BEHAVIOR. Only stop doing something bad if I'm gonna get in TROUBLE FOR IT. And only if that trouble doesn't come with a reward attached to balance it out. FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES, MONKEYS. If it is horribly wrong to make racist references because it's disparaging... then... wha??? Huh?? What do you mean, Marianne? Women are SUPPOSED to be treated like shit! It's the way of the world!!! We can't help it!!! We're not perfect! Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Where's my BINKY???!!! Oh, but wait let me STRAIGHTEN MY TIE SO I CAN RUN THE WORLD.

 http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_news/110242/Top_50_Most_Sexist_Quotes

 To be sure, there are people on this list who are entertainment personalities, who create stir on purpose. THEY are "allowed" to spew stupid crap, just like any other entertainer. The people on this list who HOLD OFFICE ARE RESPONSIBLE for the crap they spew, COMPLETELY. They are not creating "art" or providing a topic of conversation or stir. They are ELECTED OFFICIALS. The difference is absolutely HUGE.

Why?

Why would a person NOT want someone else to receive the same respectful treatment as another?
Why would they NOT stand up for someone who is treated like crap because of someone else's prejudice?
What kind of person would defend a person who just treated their friend or loved one with disrespect?

There is a reason, what is it?

Blame Shame and Lashing Out

Both the Narcissist and the Borderline Personality desire control over those close to them. However, the reasons differ.
     The Narcissist desires control over you because they really believe they are more capable of Life than you are, AND they feel perfectly entitled to your time, your attention, your resources, your services, and your stuff. They deserve it more than you do (your own stuff). If you are not above the Narcissist, you are below him. Anyone above him, in his view, is entitled to their own stuff, because they are special enough to deserve it, and brilliant enough to be capable of handling it. Anyone below the Narcissist in his view, however, is too common, too dumb, too mediocre, too incapable, and just not good enough to deserve to be in control of their own lives, their own stuff, or their own destiny. In fact, anyone who is not above the Narcissist is simply either in the way of the Narcissist's ambitions, or can be used to achieve them. Services that are expected can include praise, admiration, submission, volunteering use of stuff, volunteering any kind of skills, as long as they don't outshine the Narcissist (you can be good at something other than what he's doing), and also financial support.
     The Borderline Personality desires control over you because they want your full attention, and they fear abandonment. They also fear that you will be more attractive than them to other people, or that you will find someone more fun or more interesting to hang out with, and leave them behind. Ironically, that's what THEY do; they will ditch you in a New York minute when they are hanging out with someone they find more interesting, or who gives them more of something than you do. More attention, more ego stroking, more adrenaline rushes, more cash, more prestige. Their fear, and attention seeking, drives their anger and their manipulation. They are extremely defensive, and that defensiveness often turns into venom, which they spit at you in various ways. All to keep you within reach, and to keep you from wrecking any manipulations they have going on with anyone else, or even with themselves that they aren't aware of. The Borderline likes to keep people separated, you probably don't have a lot of mutual friends, and if you do, you don't hang out with them much, not together anyway. The Borderline wants to deal with people in a controlled environment.
     Both the Narcissist and the Borderline may "punish" you for stepping outside of their control. You may not get the punishment right away, you might get a nasty surprise when you least expect it. Maybe your favorite shirt will disappear; maybe your car will be left unlocked in a bad neighborhood. You might get hit in the back of the head with a shockingly nasty verbal assault while you're happily getting ready for bed, that leaves you feeling like you've been run over by a truck, or dragged behind one. Maybe something else suddenly came up when you are getting ready to go to your brother's wedding. (Well, with the Narcissist, something else probably did come up, like an invitation to go play pool.)
     IF you at some point decide you would like to discuss the subject of this relationship where you feel assaulted, controlled, or just sad or unhappy, you will probably not get the healthy response of "Oh I didn't know you felt that way, I'm sorry you are feeling that way, let's talk about it. Let's figure this out." What you will probably get is either a blow-off "I can't talk about this right now" or "We can talk about this later" or "I'm not going to argue with you", or a cold shoulder, complete with crossed arms and turned back, OR you may receive a new, fresh stream of verbal abuses, denying and justifying and defending their own actions, and blaming you for everything under the sun. They are righteous saintly creatures, you are the Enemy. You may even be told you only brought this subject up to make their lives hell... If you keep trying to talk about it, the abuse may escalate, or the loathing may take a turn toward themselves. Basically, the only thing that WILL NOT be talked about is the actual subject you brought up, and there will be no respectful conversation. You can forget about that. 
      Your needs are not to be viewed as having equal or greater importance than theirs. If you call them, they may not answer; they're too busy, you shouldn't bother them like that. But if they call you and you don't answer, where the hell were you, what the hell were you doing?  Because the Narcissist cannot tolerate your petty distractions, and the Borderline is worried that you were doing something to betray them in some way. If you have an emergency, that's your problem. If your family has an emergency, that's THEIR problem. If your child is sick, she's just "trying to get attention" and if you tend to her, you are spoiling her, and just trying to get out of your duty to the Narcissist, or turning your back on the Borderline.
     The Narcissist just doesn't have time for your silly problems, and the Borderline's problems must always be much bigger, much worse, than yours.With either of them, your giving time, attention, and emotion to your personal issues is offensive to them. And make sure you don't use up the resources that they might need later (your own resources, that is).
     Mistakes! Don't make any. What's that, you're human, you say? Not here. The Narcissist's view of any mistake you make is more evidence that you are of inferior quality. Anything, from typos (even if you type 95 words per minute) to a wrinkle on your shirt, to a missed appointment; all evidence that you are less in their eyes. For them, however, any mistake is just a mistake; and if the hammer misses the nail, it's the hammer's fault. The Borderline also tallies your mistakes, and stores them for future use in defensive arguments, even the ones where they said "oh that's no big deal" at the time. Any time you call them out on something they did wrong, however big or small, and however NOT upset you are about it, they will fire back at you with both barrels. Whether you asked them if they left the ice cream out, or ran over the dog, they will break out the big guns to blast you with your own mistakes, missteps, and often things that you didn't even do. Also, if you bring up something they had done in the past as an example of something you are trying to explain, as a reference point in order to give a clearer picture, they may easily miss your point, misunderstand the discussion altogether, and take it as you "throwing it in their face".

     Basically, the Narcissist is controlling more for reasons of offensive domination, and the Borderline is controlling more for defensive reasons. Both will probably hurt you, and both will probably try to justify their actions and try to turn the blame on you for anything and everything. Both do a lot of projection and rationalization , terms definitely worth understanding (even if you're just a regular human bean).
     Neither may have any interest in addressing their own issues, or taking responsibility for their own suffering, pain, or behavior. Neither can stand to see their own flaws; the Narcissist can't stand anything that would spoil the image they have created of themselves, and the Borderline has a very hard time with keeping those flaws based in reality; their foibles become horrible failures, their low self esteem becomes self-loathing, their fear becomes terror. The Narcissist is like a Roman God, above all mortals and ruler of peasants, and the Borderline is like a burn victim; if you even look at them wrong you cause them pain, and they thoroughly dismiss the possibility that anyone else could be in as much pain as them, least of all those who should be tending to their wounds. And if you cause them pain for any reason, they feel completely justified in lashing out with as much rage and meanness as comes out of their mouth. A lot like a real burn victim might do, spewing obscenities and screaming at doctors and nurses who are there to save them and heal them, and innocent family and friends who come to visit. As long as they remain wounded, they feel deserving of and entitled to compassion and attention, and carte blanche to forgiveness for any behavior and treatment of others. So the Borderline also may not want to heal, for fear of losing the special status that someone who is wounded is entitled to. The world for both of them is consumed by their own needs, real or perceived.
     And yes, a person can harbor traits of both. Healing and recovery is out there, but as the Navi say, "it is hard to fill a cup that is already full." Neither the Narcissist nor the Borderline can stand being seen as anything less than righteous, and both often fear that they will have a finger pointed at them if they seek help. To the Narcissist, no silly psychiatric person could possibly understand them, except for maybe Carl Jung himself, maybe... and to the Borderline who is hyper defensive, going to the psychologist carries the fear of being blamed. And since it is apparent that most, if not all, Borderlines grew up in abusive households, or were abused by another caregiver or authority, their fear is not exactly "crazy", they have been blamed, shamed and punished for things they didn't do too many times. So, they may not be able to wrap their minds around being responsible for their own actions AND NOT getting judged or punished for those actions. Simply analyzing behavioral and emotional patterns in a clinical, objective way may not seem like a real possibility for them.
     The Narcissist doesn't give two hens in a coop about what you or a therapist thinks, and the Borderline is already worried about what both you and the therapist are thinking. And already raising hackles in defense, before the first appointment, which may never happen. You may even receive a backlash of passive or outright aggression from the Borderline in response to what they are imagining will happen at the therapist's office. It hasn't actually happened, of course, but they may be churning with real anger at you for what they think you are thinking, or what they imagine will happen.
     Unless, of course, the appointment is about "what's wrong" with YOU. And if you're in a relationship of any kind with a Narcissist or a Borderline person, there probably is a good reason for you to keep your therapy appointments, either to deal with the stress of your interactions with them, and/or to find out about co-depency or Borderline symptoms of your own, so you can heal.

       

In Your Head

It seems as though every time you find something you enjoy doing, somehow someone needs your attention. Every time you find a joke hilarious, someone is there to criticize it and deflate the funny. When you commit yourself to a goal, somehow when you apply yourself fully, you have to stop what you're doing to attend to someone's needs. The shirt you find in the store is a little too long, short, ugly, or flashy; the music you love is not very good, the car you want to buy is not quite practical enough, the friend you get along with well is somehow not quite welcome with someone else in your circle. Whatever you're doing, if it has drawn your full attention, or if it seems to give you real joy, fulfillment, or satisfaction, it is always somehow stopped, stifled, criticized, diverted, or forgotten.

Is it you who is sabotaging all of your happy, all of your forward motion, all of your accomplishment?

Do you really believe that?

Take a closer look at those around you. Watch their behavior, listen to their words. Observe them a bit more clinically than you're used to doing. You might be quite surprised at who is really doing the sabotaging. Watch WHAT they do, what they SAY, and watch their TIMING. Watch them as if you are a scientist observing a group of people you've never met, from a foreign land.

If and when you figure it out, don't be too hard on them, it won't solve your problem. All you can really do is take steps to inoculate yourself against their button pushing and subtle manipulation. Learn to strengthen your boundaries so you don't feel guilt or shame for not catering to their every whim, and learn the difference between healthy relationships and narcissism. If you completely put all of your whims above their real needs, and you forget that they are human beings too, then you are not doing what's best for everyone either. It may take some time to learn the balance, but once you get a handle on it, you'll be able to sail your own ship once again, maybe for the first time. And still be there for the ones you love.

Good voyage.

Basics

Everyone talks about what is healthy behavior and what isn't, but no one seems to agree on just what that means. Here's a brief guideline I found that is pretty simple and straightforward. As far I'm concerned, healthy behavior comes down to making sure we don't cause problems for other people when we're trying to go about living and getting our needs met. Everything else is personality, and individual beliefs. I personally really believe in helping whoever needs help, within my reasonable capacity.Which does include self sacrifice if the need of the other person warrants it. But the help that I give is of my own volition. If someone is demanding my help, I am not so inclined to drop what I'm doing unless it is literally an actual health issue that requires my actual help. Hypochondria doesn't warrant my self-sacrifice, bleeding from the eyes and ears does.

If I have done my best, to my capacity, and they are demanding help as if I didn't even try, that's a red flag to call someone else and get reinforcements. People who demand help with a tone of resentment are often the same ones who would turn their backs if you needed them, and may also see a person who helps them as a threat, or as "high and mighty". The tone of resentment belies their knowledge of their own nature. I help them anyway, because that's what I think is right, regardless of their level of self-centeredness, but I keep a closer eye on my boundaries and my pockets. Safety first.

 

Randi Kreger on BPD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201004/fresh-look-the-many-faces-borderline-disorder

Click that link above to read another one of Randi Kreger's objective, well written blog posts on Borderline Personality Disorder. I love how her point of view is about information GATHERING, not pontificating and claiming to know the end-all of the subject.

Here's an excerpt:

"Now let's take a closer look at same thoughts, feelings, and actions that are typical of people with BPD in general (not all will apply to your particular situation). These are all, of course, also common in people who don't have BPD.

Borderline Beliefs

A person with BPD might: <----(See how she says "might")
* Alternate between seeing others as completely for them or against them.
* Have a hard time recalling someone's love for them when they're not around.
* Change their opinions depending upon who they're with.
* Alternate between idealizing people and devaluing them.
* Remember situations very differently than other people, or find themselves unable to recall them at all.
* Believe that others are responsible for their actions-or take too much responsibility for the actions of others.
* Seem unwilling to admit to a mistake-or feel that everything that they do is a mistake.
* Base their beliefs on feelings rather than facts.
* Not realize the effects of their behavior on others. <----(my personal favorite...)

Borderline Behaviors

A person with BPD might:
* Have trouble observing their own and others' personal limits.
* Rush into relationships based on idealized fantasies of what they would like the other person or the relationship to be.
* Change their expectations in such a way that the other person feels they can never do anything right.
* Have frightening, unpredictable rages that make no logical sense-or have trouble expressing anger at all.
* Physically abuse others, such as slapping, kicking, and scratching them.
* Needlessly create crises or live a chaotic lifestyle.
* Act inconsistently or unpredictably.
* Alternately want to be close to others, then distance themselves.
* Cut people out of their life over issues that seem trivial or overblown.
* Act competent and controlled in some situations but extremely out of control in others.
* Verbally abuse others, criticizing and blaming them to a point where it undermines the other person's confidence in themselves.
* Act in what seems like extreme or controlling ways to get their own needs met.
* Accuse others of doing things they did not do, having feelings they do not feel, or believing things they do not believe.

Introvert or Extravert?

Carl Jung had a lot of observations on the subject, which  Dr. Stephen Diamond talks about here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/201205/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-jungs-typology-eudaemonology-and-the-elusive-

If you're a musician, especially a songwriter/composer, or an artist or writer, there's a good chance you have wrestled with your own typology. A lot of us are naturally more introverts, but to make a living at what we love to do, we must try to adapt the behavior of an extravert. It can feel like being emotionally strangled at worst, on a good day it can just feel like being on the "wrong" path. It's a double-bind. But it helps, me personally anyway, to know what the underlying cause of the "suffering artist" condition might be from.

Narcissism vs. BPD

I've received a lot of email asking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and the difference between that and Emotional Dysregulation or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Randi Kreger,  the co-author of Stop Walking On Eggshells, has written a 10 part series Blog on the subject, clearly written, easy to read and to the point.
You can find it here:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-have-you-done-me-lately-entitlement-key-narcissistic-trait

• I have the perfect right to do or say whatever I want and no one should object.
• My needs have priority, and if others don't like it they just don't understand my superiority.
• If you don't do what I want I will become highly offended, make threats, plead with you, or criticize and blame you. If that upsets you, that's your fault. And please don't bother me with your feelings about it. It upsets me when you don't see yourself as inferior to me.
• Relationships aren't about give and take. They are about me taking and you giving. If you give and give with the hope that you will one day get your needs met, I will string you along as long as I can.