Government, Politics, Responsibility

Open message to all of us who complain and rant about the government all the time:

If you want people running the government who don't bullsh**, better learn to start learning what the truth sounds like coming out of your own mouth.

You want rights?
When's the last time you stood up for someone else who was being mistreated or disrespected?

You want real respect?
When's the last time you gave it to your wife or your mother? Your brother or sister? The woman at the far desk at your office? The students or teachers at school? The people you see in the store, or on the street?

You want the truth?
How much of it do you share with your girlfriend? Or boyfriend?

You want fairness?
Who's in charge of the money in your household, just you, or does your spouse have an equal say?

You want loyalty?
Yeah, right... do you even know what that means, modern world citizen? Loyalty means actually being loyal to a person, so they don't have to worry about you blowing them off, leaving them alone in times of crisis or pain, cheating on them, turning on them, or backstabbing them.

You want help?
When's the last time you helped someone you didn't already like? When's the last time you helped without expecting a reward, recognition, or payback?

You want equality?
How are you treating ALL the people in your life?

You want accountability and responsibility from the people in the government?
How are you at taking responsibility for the way you treat people? For the way you behave, and the example you set? How much accountability do you take for the problems in your life, and in your relationships? Is it ever your fault? Or is someone "always blaming you" but you're completely innocent all the time...or nothing you do is that bad...Or "the kids all know it's out there anyway, why hide it"...
Or my favorite... it's not my problem, why should I do anything about it...

We don't GET what we aren't willing to GIVE.

The government is just people, just like you and me. How are we gonna hold them up to higher expectations as human beings than we hold ourselves to?

And how are we going to judge the crap they pull against the crap we pull every day?

WHY do they hurt people? Compulsive abuse

Compulsion is a powerful thing. We humans all have compulsions, it's part of our operating system. It's one of the built-in things that keeps us alive. We are compelled to do things so we don't have to consciously remember to them; we feel hungry, we put food in our mouth. We breathe, we seek warmth when we're cold, we seek shelter, we shut our eyes when something blows in our face. Our involuntary nervous system keeps our heart and our lungs pumping. We sleep, not because we want to, but because we have to. So we do it.

Then there are the compulsions that we all have, that don't really rate as "necessary for survival". An obvious and common one would be drinking coffee in the morning. Another common compulsion that many do, and most would like to stop doing, is cigarettes. Many people have compulsions with certain food. We can feel compelled to keep the kitchen clean (that's not the same as choosing to clean it.) Compulsions about how to hang our clothes, about the way we drive to work, about our clothing, about our teeth, about how much or how often we practice or work on something. We can have compulsions about pretty much anything.

All it takes for a compulsion to stick is some kind of reward that our brain and body can feel. If the thing made us feel good enough at the time of doing it, it can become a habit, and a compulsion. "Feeling good" as in a chemical reward, like a small adrenaline rush. Or a squirt of Oxytocin (the so-called love-chemical). Or an Endorphin rush.

Most people are aware of how some people have a compulsion to cut themselves. This is another compulsion that produces a chemical reward for the person doing it. It may be hard to understand, but that doesn't matter, it's still real, whether some people want to understand it or not.

So it stands to reason that if human beings can get a chemical reward from harming and causing pain to themselves, then it's not hard to see that human beings can get a chemical reward out of causing harm and pain to others.

People who have compulsions often desire stopping, and can have a very hard time doing so because the compulsion is so strong. Their subconscious wants that reward very strongly, and has ways of "tricking" the person into performing the behavior that produces the reward. Anyone who's ever battled a food, cigarette, or drug addiction can attest to that, and of course the actual chemicals that ingesting them produces makes the compulsion stronger. But doing something that has no external chemical reward can be just as hard to break, because the brain and body itself is producing the chemical reward. Gambling too much, for example. Driving too fast. Playing video games too much. But even non-obvious things like cleaning, working, or exercising can become compulsions, and produce the same chemical reward as any of the other examples. A person with a cleaning compulsion can become very upset if kept from their behavior, and can also become demanding and controlling toward others in the household who "interrupt" or "thwart" their obsession with cleaning, or with the house being clean (clean in THEIR OWN eyes; a person with a cleaning compulsion/obsession can cross personal boundaries and actually rearrange and even destroy another's personal space. Like any other addict, their feeling of reward becomes more important than the people around them.)

So, if a person has developed compulsions, in other words behaviors that give them a reward-feeling, and those compulsions happen to include causing pain to others, then it can be understood more readily why they do it, why they keep doing it, and why they don't seem to care.

So if little Scotty gets a charge out of pinching his brother, he is going to want to keep doing it. If he is not guided enough to thwart the charge he gets out of it, the reward will feel greater than the consequence. "I feel good when I pinch my brother, and I know of no good reason not to continue getting that good feeling."

A compulsion in the making.

If Scotty learned the pinching from one of his parents or another older relative, the odds of the pinching developing into a compulsion increase dramatically. Scotty sees no consequences for the older people, so in his mind, it must be something that's "okay" to do, even something that "adults do". So, no reason to stop. And, if Scotty is being pinched by older relatives, then him pinching his brother is most certainly giving him a feeling of relief and control. In such a family dynamic, empathy and care for others is not being taught, modeled, or rewarded. So... Scotty feels little or no reward for empathy or care for others, but he is feeling rewards for pinching and harming.

We can take the pinching compulsion and apply it to any behavior.

Common compulsions like this can be domination of others, controlling others, criticizing others, countering, opposing, name-calling, projecting, lying, hitting others, causing humiliation to others, causing trouble for them, backstabbing, sabotage, etc. General bullying behavior.

Compulsions that take the form of "good behavior" can also be controlling and dominating. A parent who got a feeling of reward from keeping their baby clean, for example, may hold on to that behavior and keep trying to perform it as the child gets older, instead of allowing the child to care for him or herself. The parent refuses to relinquish the act of cleaning the child because it gives the parent a feeling of reward, regardless of the behavior being unhealthy for the child.

Being told to stop doing a compulsion can feel and sound like judgment, domination, condescension and control. "You need to stop smoking" ... "You need to stop drinking coffee"...  "You need to stop spending" ..."You need to stop taking cleaning so seriously" ... "You need to stop treating people that way"... 

Since compulsions feel like something we need to have as a normal thing (any coffee drinker can attest to that), the behaviors do not want to be dropped by the person's subconscious. And the less awareness a person has, the less the person may even be aware of the behavior at all. Generally, we don't like to think about our compulsions, whether they're big or small, because the part of our brain that wants to keep them is quite defensive, and doesn't want us to expose them.

If we react defensively to something someone says about our behavior, or human behavior in general, that's a flag that is probably marking something we are hiding or protecting.

In summation, WHY do abusers keep hurting people, controlling people, trying to dominate people? A likely answer is that they are compelled to do the behavior, because it gives them a chemical reward. And compulsions are not really conscious choices, they are usually buried by the subconscious, in order to hide the whole thing from the person's conscious mind. We all have them, but some of us have much more harmful ones that may have developed in childhood. Harmful to ourselves, harmful to others.We usually only stop our compulsions when we notice they exist, notice they are doing harm, and still only then if we feel remorse, worry, or fear.

PSYCHOPATHS

There are people who seem to be quite aware of their harmful behavior to others, even of their very harmful compulsions, and because of their disorder actually seem to feel completely entitled to continue their behavior with full awareness. That would be an actual psychopath ; human beings and any other living things hold no innate value to them, other people might as well be made of clay or stone to them. But most people are not psychopaths.
For example, a non-psychopath with a drug problem that causes harm to their children may try to stop, have a hard time with it, may wrestle with it and still cause their children harm in the throes of their addiction, but they truly feel remorse. A psychopath with the same drug addiction that causes harm to their children does not care about the harm they are causing to their children. If they do manage to get their addiction under control, it won't have anything to do with guilt or remorse about the children, it will be solely to enhance their own lives. And no, they don't get that their children are part of their lives.

So why don't they stop, if they're not a psychopath?

 
Some people really do seem to have a lower natural capacity for empathy, or even comprehension of other people, and the fact that they are just as real and important as themselves. Others seem to have a higher capacity for comprehending others. Like any other human ability, some people have more of it, and some have less of it. But the less a person can comprehend that other people are "real people' just like themselves, the less likely they are to be aware of the harm they are capable of, or the harm that they inflict. And therefore, will be less likely to get a handle on their compulsions.

If I don't really think my sister is an important person, than I'm not going to think it's important to stop causing her pain, or to support her when others cause her pain.



M.M.Black

Abandonment Hurts

Abandonment and abuse go together, because abusers use abandonment as a weapon.
~"If you don't allow me to treat you however I want, behave however I want toward you, then I will retaliate and punish you with abandonment; I will take away the most important thing, which is human connection. And I will twist everything around to make it seem like the abandonment was your fault for "misbehaving". I am Higher Status than you, and therefore entitled to treat you however I want, and if you protest, you will be abandoned and ostracized. And to prove how High Status I am and how Low Status you are, you will see that no one stands up for you."

(Most people who use abandonment and ostracism as a weapon learned it in childhood, either by watching it being done to others by adults in their lives, or being done to themselves, so there is a little room for compassion for someone who does this. But compassion does not equal allowing.)

WHY does it work?!
Why does it work on us, even when we know what's going on?!
Why do we feel the pain of abandonment, when the person doing the abandoning is only doing it for reasons of bullying, and we know it?

It works because we are human beings, and we are supposed to have human connection, it's part of our make-up. Abandonment causes pain just like anything else causes pain, no matter who is doing it, or why. If we burn ourselves on the stove, it hurts just the same as if we burn ourselves at a campfire. Certain things hurt, regardless of how they happened.

When someone does something to cause us pain on purpose, then there is the added pain of that, of being purposely hurt by someone we cared about. If we get kicked accidentally in a soccer game, it hurts physically, but if we get kicked by someone on purpose, there is naturally more feeling attached to the basic pain from the kick.

Our brain goes on automatic alert when someone uses abandonment and ostracism as a bully tactic. Our brain is our security system, and it knows much more about human behavior than we do consciously. When we are abandoned or ostracized, if our brains are in working order, it switches focus to protection of the self, and to figuring out what's going on.

Protection of the self is the brain's highest priority, and it already knows many possible reasons why a person would be abandoned, and what the many possible dangers could be.

When we are abandoned, our brain goes on alert because it knows we have just lost an apparent ally. Allies protect us from danger, whether we live in a city surrounded by potential criminals, or in the outback wilderness surrounded by potential predators. Allies rescue us FROM danger as well. Allies also help us out of day to day problems, as we do for them, and give us a feeling of security, just by being available in case something should happen.

Other people being aware that we HAVE allies keeps gossip, slander, and sabotage at bay, much, much more than most people realize. When others see a person as belonging to a group of allies, they are much more likely to treat them with respect, because they see the person not just as one sole social reject, vulnerable and easy prey... but as one of many, one of a crowd who will protect that person.

The kid who sat alone at lunch was the kid who was picked on, BY the kids who traveled in packs. The woman at the bar alone is the one who gets stared at, and the one a predatory jerk will approach first. Two parents are treated with more respect by school staff than a single parent. Politicians surround themselves with VISIBLE "allies" purposely, so the world sees them as "likeable" and "respected". Celebrity "image makers" create facades of having a larger fan base than they really do in order to get attention and respect from onlookers. Business people even often create facades of having more people working for them. Lots of businesses are named things like "Two Brothers" or "Five Guys" or "Merry Maids" or "H&R Block" or "McKinney & Son", all implying that there are more than one. A group, a concordance, an ALLIANCE. You can "buy" friends on MySpace and other social networks to make you look more popular, if that didn't matter then no one would do it, never mind pay for it. If you look up law practices, you will find hundreds of firms listing multiple partners as the "name" of their practice. Even medical professionals have taken up the habit of practicing WITH allies, other doctors, veterinarians, and psychologists.

EVERYTHING is easier and better if one has ALLIES, and if the world SEES YOU as having ALLIES.

Nearly every human brain is subconsciously aware of this fact, because that's how we evolved. We are group animals, and our subconscious instincts compel us to live within the safety of a group.

SO, abusers USE this natural, normal compulsion to belong and to keep connections we have made as a weapon AGAINST other people, to keep them in control.

This is also a big reason why so many people treat "Free Spirits" and "Free Thinkers" like they're crazy, rogue, or loose cannons; they are upset and frightened by a member of the larger group who seems to be unafraid of losing their status of Belonging by not conforming to whatever the current Status Quo is.

ALSO~ Allies are our friends; they make the connections with us that make good times happen. We are subconsciously aware of this, even if we don't think about it consciously. When we feel the sting of abandonment, we also automatically feel the pain of loss. The loss of a friend. Even when the person was abusive more often than not, the good times registered as "Friend" in our subconscious.

And... when someone is using abandonment to punish us, our brains are also aware that this person is not trustworthy or loyal, and has the definite potential of actively trying to get OTHER people to abandon us as well. This is a real FEAR that can be triggered in our brains, because group/social animals like us are in immediate danger when we are left alone in the wilderness. To understand this, we can picture ourselves as a member of a small tribe, not all that long ago. If our tribe abandons us, exiles us, we literally are alone in the wilderness, surrounded by predators, all kinds of biting insects and parasites, and exposed to the elements. Humans don't have fur, so exposure is a real problem for us. Abruptly having to survive on our own means actual imminent danger for any human, even the "toughest". We have to find our own food every day, cover ourselves every day, sleep (how, where, without getting bitten or attacked?), keep warm every day, drink fresh and uncontaminated water every day. We have to make our own fire, and keep it burning, all by ourselves. All this, and no one to help, no one to watch our backs, no one to talk to.

Our brain is also aware, even if we are not, even if we refuse to admit it, that this kind of total abandonment happens even in the most sophisticated cities, in the wealthiest countries. It can, in fact, happen to anyone. Even if we don't believe it consciously, our subconscious knows that it's possible.

So, even when the person who is using abandonment as a weapon is someone we thought we didn't want to deal with anymore, our subconscious feels the sting, the loss, and the automated fear response. That's why it hurts, and that's why it works on us, even when we're aware of what is really happening. The good news is, the more awareness we have, the less it will work on us, and the easier it will be to recover from the effects.

~~~ An important sidenote regarding the perception of abandonment~ those of us human beings with certain emotional dysregulation "disorders", can perceive that someone is abandoning us, when they are actually not; we really need to spend time taking apart what the other person is actually doing. Sometimes we feel like we are being abandoned by people who are behaving perfectly normally, often due to things that have happened to us in the past. For example, going to work is not abandonment, spending time with other friends sometimes is not abandonment; needing space to work on something is not abandonment. Not wanting to eat at a certain time, or food that was prepared, is not abandonment. Turning down an invitation occasionally is not abandonment. Having to go do other things is not abandonment, being on the phone with other people is not abandonment. Having success in one's career or aspiration is not abandonment either.  
We can figure out what abandonment is and what it is not, with a few tools we can learn to use, and calm information gathering.
ALSO, upholding one's healthy boundaries against abusive, inconsiderate, deceitful, demanding, demeaning or controlling language and behavior is not abandonment.

The following links may help to find ways to understand what abandonment is and what it's not, and why we may not know the difference. A good therapist, counselor, or healer can also help in sorting this out.

 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm

http://www.ehow.com/how_8648917_handle-abandonment-issues.html

http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html

by M.M.Black

Control And Judging Others

When someone with Control Issues sees a person acting  confidently, they often assess the person in their mind to be "someone to follow", "someone to engulf", "someone to dominate", "someone to shut out", or "someone to shut down".

They don't seem to know that they are not entitled to do any of these things to others. A lack of awareness of boundaries, of their own and of others, is a common denominator.

Since the Controller personality believes their own assessments of others right from the get-go, based on very limited "parameters" and very little information, they often act immediately on their assessments. 

This is why bullies pick on certain kids, and often end up getting their teeth knocked out. Their assessment of the other kid was incorrect, because their confidence in their assessment of others is much, much higher than their actual skill.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

There are those in our lives that we often wish could know the way we truly see them in our hearts.

They seem to behave in such a way that shows they think us naive, or dull, or dimwitted, to see them as such brightly shining lights.

They seem to feel annoyed that we are not fixated on the dark armor they try to cover their light with.

They don't understand, I suppose, that their light is not of their own making, and the armor and weaponry they keep wielding can not cover it up, or put it out.

They also must not understand that their light is infinitely more powerful than any darkness, and has the power to burn away the pain and heartbreak if only they would stop kicking dirt on it, and wearing armor to blot it out.

They must not understand basic physics either. When we shine on and share our light with the light of others, and help them to shine, and protect them from dirt-kickers, we shine brighter and brighter ourselves, and the whole life we are living in gets brighter, and warmer, and brighter still.
(In a parallel circuit, more power is provided to the lights. Power = V2/R . The resultant resistance of the circuit is lower, and the potential difference is not divided as in a circuit in series. Thus, lights in parallel burn brighter.)

We often wish they could see themselves through our eyes, perhaps they would see that it is safe to take off their armor, put down their weapons, and shine with us.

Angry Arrogance; Happy Humility

Arrogance argues when it doesn't understand. 

Humility listens longer, eager to learn what it was missing.

m.m.black

Relationship Conflict

Our relationships can be a source of great joy, fulfillment, and support, or they can cause terrible pain and become major obstacles in our lives. We tend to get caught up in the swirling emotions whether they seem positive or negative, and whether we are male or female, or young, old, or middle-aged. Most of us seem to believe we are much more logical, aware, and rational, and much less emotional and reactionary than we really are, to boot. We all seem to think that we are the ones who are right, innocent, and justified, and that we are the ones who deserve better treatment, more consideration, and more attention.
 
What if one day we suddenly stopped trying to get more FROM others for ourselves? What if we could step out of time and space, and look at our relationships from the outside, like a scientist looking in from an observation window?
 
We can do that to a reasonable extent, if we have as much emotional and mental stability and logic as we seem to think we do.
 
We can ask ourselves certain questions about our own true intentions and motivations. We can ask ourselves questions about actual events, and about our behavior and words.

We can also ask ourselves about what the other person actually did, and what they really said.

We can ask ourselves if we honestly know all the "facts", or if we just assumed much of them (we humans usually assume much more than we actually know).

What we can NOT know is how the other person really felt, or what their intentions really were. We can NOT know WHY they did something, or did not do something. We can NOT know about their own feelings or thoughts unless they tell us out loud, directly, and THEY can NOT know what our feelings or thoughts are either, unless we TELL them directly.

Things to ask yourself when your relationship is in conflict:

1. What exactly was happening before the most recent conflict in my own life? Was I upset about anything else, anything else AT ALL, before the conflict happened?

2. Was the other person dealing with something else that may have upset them, anything AT ALL?

3. What was my real, true emotion? What was the very first feeling that I felt?

4. What were the actual events that transpired? Did I ask calmly and respectfully for more information, or did I jump to react to my emotion instead?

4. What am I really, actually trying to accomplish with this conflict? What goal do I have in mind? What is it that I'm trying to make happen?
(There is always a goal and a motivation, sometimes it just takes a moment of focus to see it in our own mind.)

5. Which person honestly began the conflict? 
Which person turned their focus from information to emotion? From straightforwardness to deceit? From calm clarifying to assumption? From cooperation to control? From sharing points of view to domination? From action to reaction? From respect to disrespect?
From friendship to fault-finding, blaming, and shaming?

6. If someone I admire had done to me exactly what I had done, would I truly and honestly have not felt hurt or betrayed? Can I really say that?

7. If I was the one who did something deceitful, provoking, controlling, or hurtful, what exactly was my real motivation behind it?

8. Why would I be looking to hurt or deceive a person with whom I choose to be in contact with? Am I trying to prove something to myself? To them? To others? What?

9. If I feel compelled to do disrespectful or hostile things toward another person, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? Is it right, noble, or good? If it's not, how have I come to this low point?

10. If someone is doing hostile and disrespectful things toward ME, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? What is my motivation?

11. What have I honestly done to contribute to this person's well-being and improvement of their life and happiness? How often do I go out of my way to put their well-being and happiness above my own?

12. How far have I gone to prove that I was right and they were wrong? Did I have their well-being in mind when I was doing that?

13. Do I seriously believe it's okay to speak to them with aggression, hostility, and abusive language or physical displays? Why would I do that to another person?

14. Do I willingly and happily seek ways that I may have been wrong, or mistaken?

15. Is my real goal to restore peace, good will, and happiness for BOTH, not just for myself? Or am I just seeking a rush-feeling of vindication, retaliation, and triumph over another person?

16. Do I actually listen to the other person's point of view, or do I just believe I'm Sherlock Holmes and think I know everything about the other person's actions and motives without even trying to find out?

17. How do I react when the other person calmly asks me questions? Do I perceive any and all questions as accusations and attacks? (If so, I'm hiding something; what is it?)

18. Do I feel innately superior to this person, but I don't want them to figure it out so I can keep manipulating them?

19. What is my true intention with this relationship?

Is there a possibility that I really want to be the controlling person in this relationship?

Is there a possibility that I don't want to be committed or loyal to this person?

Might I have resentment toward this person that I didn't address?

Does this person remind me on some level of someone else, either someone I resent, or someone I admire?

Am I afraid of this person?

Am I using this person for loneliness relief?

Could I be using this person as a gopher, a sidekick, a little sister or brother, a work-horse, a crutch, a shield, a magnet?

Am I envious or jealous of this person; their charisma, their money, their looks, their family, their success, their intelligence, their talent, their possessions, their happiness, their friends?

Is there real truth in my heart, mind and soul that I have this person's well-being as my priority? Or is that really just something I tell them, and tell myself?

20. How much effort am I willing to put into this relationship, and do I expect the other person to contribute more than I do?
Do I honestly see one of us as more important than the other?
Do I really believe the other person is less capable than I am of contributing equally to the relationship?
Do I seriously feel entitled to receive more than I contribute?
WHY, on all counts?

21. How would the other person feel about my answers to these questions? How do I feel about my answers?

~If you have read through and answered all the way to the end, congratulations, and you may be well on your way to better boundaries, and better relationships. Conflict resolution skills are one of the keys to good relationships between human beings, and those skills are useless if we are not using them inside the realm of honesty. Honesty with ourselves, and honesty with others. If someone is not being honest with us, it is our responsibility to ourselves to strengthen our boundaries and remain aware and alert. And we need to keep in mind that hostility is not necessary in a healthy environment, ever, but truly caring about the well-being of all, for real, is absolutely essential. 

We don't have the "right" to lash out at another when we feel pain, fear, or betrayal. But we do have the right to ask for more information, in order to clarify events, thoughts, and feelings. And we should always ask ourselves all of these things as well.

Don't Dim Your Light

"Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire."
~S. Sonnon

"Why are you even wasting your time with this hobby? It's not like you're ever going to become a champion. You don't even have enough money to get a real teacher. You're not going to figure it out on your own reading books and practicing by yourself. And let's be honest: you're not the most genetically gifted person. Shouldn't you just accept what you're really capable of and make the best out of the hand you've been dealt?"

"The words of a former close friend burned deeply, as I stood at my beginning. In his mind, he was being a critical realist because he cared. And I truly believe that he did have my best interests in mind. He was wrong to let his fears cloud his words, but he did care.

"Twenty five years later, I'd be voted one of the 6 most influential martial artists of the century for sharing the lessons along my journey to find great teachers, who allowed me to see my true potential in the clear reflection of their lucid waters. If I had never started, if I had given up anywhere along the way, I would not have been able to surround myself with those who would lift me up toward my own dreams, rather than hold me down under their own fears. More importantly, I would not have had the opportunity to let my teachers insights influence so many through my writing and speaking.

"Don't let someone make your sky into a ceiling. Climb and soar. You are only confined by the walls you have been building for yourself. You decide when you've had enough growth, success and abundance. Only you. Don't let others blame your situation on family, friends, genetics, government, enemy, job, boss, skills, money, geography, or condition. Blame darkens. Accountability illuminates. Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire.

"The more, through their choices, others drift from their own truth, or the longer their fears keep them ignorant of it, the more they will hate you for speaking yours; the more they will try to hurt you for doing what they're afraid to do; and the more they'll try to climb over each other, like crabs in a bucket, when they see you escape your self-imposed limitations. Others will broadcast your failures yet whisper your triumphs. Listen to your internal signal, not the external noise.

"Live by choice, not chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated; useful not used. Have self-esteem, not self-pity. Share autonomy through accountability, and freedom through personal responsibility, not confinement by blame and enslavement by self-entitlement. Don't let others ensnare you into wearing the cynical countenance with which they've insulated their perception of their own potential. Emancipate yourself with the courage to go ALL the way absolutely alone, if you must. And everyone will benefit from your example; for the success of one us realizing their dreams, benefits all of us realizing our own.

very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon
www.positiveatmosphere.com

Our Self-Awareness

Sharks, crocodiles and insects react to the world according to their feelings.

If they feel hungry, they eat whatever or whoever they find.

If they feel amorous, they mate with whoever is nearby and accessible.

If they feel threatened, they attack or run away, regardless of whether the "threat" is real. There is no remorse or thought about the damage they inflict on others. There is no thought about the other's well-being at all. There is no hesitation, no double-checking. No doubt that their attack is justified or that their perception is accurate. They do not ask questions or wonder if they interpreted the situation correctly. They will turn on the one they were just nesting with or mating with in an instant, with no remorse.

We are not entitled to treat others according to our emotional reactions, unless we have turned in our Sentience status.

We can be self-aware, or we can relinquish that self-awareness and be like sharks, crocodiles and insects, believing everything we say and do is fine just because we felt compelled to do it, paying no attention to the damage we inflict on others, feeling justified in all of our actions and reactions.

When we choose to relinquish our awareness and responsibility of our own actions, and abandon trying to understand where others are coming from, and abandon the purposeful cultivation of our relationships, we are no longer "above" them, and are just as much of a threat to harmonious life as they are.

Hating Happiness: Another Sign Of Narcissism

Another overt sign of Narcissism is a compulsion to ruin any kind of positivity in a target's life. If a Narcissist sees their target with a happy face, or hears a happy tone in their voice, it is a trigger to cause some kind of distraction and wreck the positive feelings. The only time a Narcissist might not do that is when they are sure that they are the one who "made" the target happy. But even then, they still might react to the trigger. Anything positive at all in a target's life that can be perceived by the Narcissist can be a trigger for them to insert themselves and then ruin it. An accomplishment, a financial windfall, a good job, a new car, a good friendship, a new business connection or opportunity. Credit, praise or attention from others for something the target did. If the target might be perceived by others as funny, smart, talented, or attractive. Even a joke that the target laughs at, a television show the target enjoys, or a musician that brings the target inspiration and joy. Even a task that the target has taken on that could increase the target's self-confidence, even if just for a moment. Anything at all that the Narcissist believes to be something that will bring the target positivity in their life, and any time the target expresses happiness, joy, confidence, or celebration is a trigger.

The Narcissist will often try to SHAME the target for whatever it is, or they will put down whatever it is, or actually try to remove the thing or person from the target's life. Narcissists are driven to cause their target humiliation, self-doubt, anxiety and fear in order to maintain their own feeling of control over the target. They have a hair trigger, and can go from "Happy Happy Joy Joy" to "You ought to be ashamed!!!" in a nanosecond. The effect on the target can range from confusion to serious trauma that can result in mental and emotional illness, including suicidal ideation. And there are plenty of Narcissists who would actually find pleasure in their target committing suicide, since that would bring them all kinds of sympathy and attention, and give them even more reason to gossip about their target to fellow Narcissists. So don't think for a minute that a Narcissist would stop their abusive behavior just because their target feels suicidal.

Too Busy, Too Important; Pride Goeth Before A Fall

Adult, Mentoring And Guiding Youths

The society will fall when they believe themselves too busy to mentor the youth.

It begins with status. When they create a hierarchy among themselves, they will then separate the children by the status they have labeled the parents with. The Lords will refuse to mentor the peasants' children, and the peasants will refuse to mentor the Lords' children. Their disdain for one another will grow to such arrogance that they will no longer have the self-control to keep the children out of their pettiness.

From there, they will then further separate the children by their race. The Lords with dark skin will refuse to mentor the children of the Lords with light skin, and vice versa. And the peasants with light skin will refuse to mentor the children of the peasants with dark skin, and vice versa.

Then in their foolishness, they will separate the children by gender. They will teach, guide, and apprentice only one gender in the trades and skills of the world, and deny their mentoring to the other, to increase even further their illusion of supremacy and inferiority.

Their increasing lust for superiority over others will cause them to separate the children even further, by anything at all that they can find. Hair color, height, body type, eye color, the music they listen to, even the clothes on their back.

They will refuse to mentor, care for, or pay attention to any youth but their own kin. And then, only their own children whom they favor.

At the end, when their arrogance has all but consumed them, they will simply refuse to mentor any youth at all, and insist that it is because they do not have the time or the resources. When the youth have no mentors, no steady guiding hands or voices, and no one to have their backs in the world because the adults have decided that mentoring is a burden, those will be the last days.

Ego: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

Identity is the natural seat of the ego. When the ego is injured in some way it becomes inflamed, like an injury to the skin will. A healthy ego develops and learns over time, and does the essential job of self-protection, self-awareness, and self-care. But when a healthy ego sustains repeated injury in childhood and is not allowed to heal (often due to the same neglect and/or abuse that injured it in the first place), it remains wounded and painful. The child grows up anyway, but has to compensate for the wounds with defensive behavior. A "swollen" identity can develop as a defense-mechanism, instead of a healthy identity.

Instead of the person identifying themselves internally as a "human being" just like everyone else, they can take on an outer identity. They use it like a shield, and protect it with social (or literal) weaponry.

The person who has a healthy identity of "human being" can learn and develop many skills, and still retain their identity of their original "ME". That original "ME" grows, learns, and develops, but does not change into an external identity.

In other words, Ben is still Ben whether he learns to paint houses, do accounting, pass the bar exam, or play the flute, because his ego is healthy. He does not change his identity into an image he has in his head of "House Painter", or "Accountant", "Lawyer", or "Floutist". He does not take on the personality traits or beliefs of other people in those fields. He remains "Ben", regardless of the people he's around.

If Ben's ego was not healthy, his inner identity of "self" would seek outside help to create an image to present to the world. This image would be used to protect Joe from the hostility in the world, and also serve as a "brand" or a "sign" that Ben can stand behind.

(Big business uses this tactic every day, from band-aids to celebrity images).

So Ben with the unhealthy ego may create an image/identity for himself as "Housepainter", and "Man", or "Man" first and "Housepainter" second, or he may combine the two. When he does this, he has to take on the traits that other people identify as "Man" or "Housepainter". This means he can lose his own real identity in the chaos of trying to turn himself into something that's not naturally "Ben". He's no longer "Ben" who happens to be a man and paints houses, he is "Ben The Manly Housepainter", which may sound "cool", but being trapped inside a created identity is truly a trap. "Ben The Manly Housepainter" must remain inside that identity and never show anything else if he does not want to be rejected by those who have bought into the image. (If there was no one who callously and abusively rejected Ben in the first place through the years, he would not have felt the need to develop this external identity in order to protect himself.)

When Ben has taken on an external identity, he then becomes competitive with others whom he perceives as having a similar image-identity. So he feels threatened by Dave, who's "Man" image has more "Man" traits then Ben's. Ben does not like Dave for this reason alone, not because Dave has ever done anything wrong to him. Joe feels threatened by the fear that OTHER PEOPLE will see Dave as more of a "Man". It doesn't matter if Dave is creating this image purposely, like Ben is doing, or if he has a healthier ego and simply shows his real "self". Ben will feel threatened either way, and in fact will probably feel more threatened if he perceives that Dave is just being himself.

Ben with the unhealthy ego, with the external identities of "Man" and "Housepainter" is also threatened by Sally with the healthy ego, who also paints houses. Sally is a kind, warm, intelligent person, but Ben "can't stand her". He blames her for his feelings, he says she is a Know It All, that she's a bitch, that she complains all the time, and that she thinks she's better than everyone.
Reality is that Ben has identified "Housepainter" and "Man" together, and part of his identity as "Man" is also "NOT WOMAN". Sally being able to paint houses derails the identity he has created for himself.
Ben has bought into a pre-adolescent stage that supposes that "boys know more than girls about certain things automatically"; because of his ego being wounded around that stage of development in his life. He is stuck there, and he doesn't know it. So when he developed his external identity as "Man" for the world to see him as, he incorporated that child's belief as well. When he met Sally, he was immediately struck by a feeling of threat; if this woman could paint houses just like he can, then that ruins the whole "Man/Housepainter" identity, and it feels like his own identity is being attacked. Which of course, it isn't, his real "self", the original "Ben", is underneath and behind this constructed "Man/Housepainter" identity. But he doesn't realize this, and blames Sally for his feelings of being attacked.

Ben condescends and challenges Sally every chance he gets; he is trying to bully her enough to make her either go away, or give up painting houses. He talks at her, through her, and over her to other people on the project; he treats her like a child who is in the way, and sabotages her work, and tries to sabotage any friendships she seems to have as well as her reputation. He is trying to prove to himself, to Sally, and to everyone else (especially everyone else) that he is superior to her, that he is a REAL Housepainter and she's not, and trying desperately to reassert his identity as "Man-Housepainter" to everyone around them. (Sally, in the meantime, is just trying to do her job and make a living, while having to defend herself against Ben's drama at every turn.) If Ben with the HEALTHY ego, who paints houses, showed up, he would be pleased to meet a kindred spirit who was also good at housepainting, and would not even think to condescend at all, but would want to share experiences, stories, and tips and tricks of the trade with Sally. He would not feel anything at all about Sally being a woman and painting houses, except maybe a breath of fresh air, since he does not know very many female house painters. He would get to know Sally as a warm, friendly, intelligent person, and probably become friends with her.

Partner Is Jealous And Possessive But Flirts

Number one obvious Controller trait: A "partner" who is openly jealous of anyone their partner speaks to of the opposite sex, even to the point of anger and drama, but has zero regard for their partner's feelings about people of the opposite sex that they associate with.
~ If you're a woman, you can't be friends with "hot guys", (men your partner thinks are "eligible", that is, regardless of your own opinion), even if you've known the guy your whole life. (If you're a man, just reverse all the genders in this post, the basic behavior is pretty much the same, with variations according to the individual.) Your Controller partner has no qualms about making false accusations about your relationships, about humiliating you, about demanding that you sever your most platonic friendships. But he has absolutely no tolerance for ANY expression of insecurity from YOU, and even if you calmly ask a question about a female associate (normal information gathering, part of a healthy relationship), he becomes angry, and accuses you of acting like a control freak or like you're "out of line". He associates with all kinds of women, regardless of how they behave toward him, and regardless of how they treat YOU. The more physically attractive, the better.
The only things that might cross his mind about you, when it comes to these other women, might be satisfaction that you might feel jealous, or that he's acquired a new female who's "hotter than you".
In fact, if the partner is a Narcissist, he might LIKE it when a beautiful woman pays attention to HIM, and disrespects YOU. That woman will probably be at the top of his list. You'll notice he doesn't care if these women treat you, or your couplehood, with any respect at all. (To a Narcissist, there is no "relationship", there's just steps on a ladder to "hottest chick in the world", whom he will never find, since any new woman is always "hotter" than the last, until he gets used to her, then she'll be old news too~ but he doesn't understand this about his own mind). By the time this behavior is showing itself, he's already devalued you, and likes it when other people devalue you along with him.



(Thank you B.D. for your comment )

What Did You Just Say?

We humans only allow ourselves to learn from and hear the points of view of those we don't already judge to be "lower status" than ourselves.

In other words, first we judge another person as "lower", "equal to", or "above" ourselves, and then we listen or don't listen to them based on that judgment. 
A large number of us will only learn from and listen to those we have judged as "above". 
Some of us will learn from and listen to those we have judged as "equal" to ourselves.
MOST of us will block out out anyone whom we have judged to be "lower" than ourselves. We even become indignant or annoyed when someone we have judged as "lower" speaks of their experiences, or shares their knowledge or point of view, or even behaves confidently.

Few people are even aware of their own judging for status, and few are able to get past this compulsion and are able to hear and listen to others objectively.

We also hide it from others when we're not sure how they are judging the person we're listening to. If we're worried that our group judges a person to be "lower", then we are often too afraid of their judging US by association. So for example on Facebook, we will see one person's posts with many "likes", regardless of the content of the post, and another's with very few "likes", even if the post is very interesting or informative. We want to be seen as like-minded to our group, so they'll keep accepting us, so we hit "like" when other people do, and avoid hitting "like" when other people have not. We don't want our friends to see us associating with, listening to, or agreeing with someone who they might be judging as "lower" or "weird" or "uncool". Most of us are really quite the followers, and are much more afraid of our group's judgments than we admit.

The ways in which we judge others are usually very primitive, and mostly nonsensical, based on superficial markers we have set in our subconscious. If we could see just how primitive and baseless most of our "judging" really is, and how far away from logic and reality, we would probably feel quite embarrassed.

High Expectations Of Others In Narcissism

Q: "Why do narcissists expect such high levels of tolerance for their behavior from others? Especially when their tolerance for others is way below healthy levels?"

A: "Many people who developed narcissistic tendencies are just acting out what was modeled to them in childhood, like most people do. When a child watches an older relative regularly blow up or treat others with disdain, disrespect, and arrogance, or even abuse, he or she is being taught that this behavior is within the bounds of "normal". When this older relative's behavior is tolerated by adults, the child is being taught that "unconditional love" means "Tolerance of abusive, disrespectful, grandiose behavior". They are also taught this when they are the ones expected to tolerate the behavior toward themselves from this person.
 
It is completely normal for a human child to learn how humans behave from the adults around him or her. If the child sees a person acting like a disrespectful, abusive, spoiled King or Queen, and getting away with it, it often looks to the child like THAT is the behavior to mimic in order to be treated well and have a secure place in the family, or in the community. The child of course wants to be seen as the highest possible status when he or she grows up, and if the "head of the family" rules over everyone like a bratty schoolyard bully, then that's what the child sees as how the "head of the family" is supposed to behave. 

Also, the person or people who display this behavior and get away with it might be a sibling, an uncle or an aunt, a grandparent, a cousin, or even a friend of the family. When everyone is tolerating untoward behavior from a person, it looks to a child that this person is held in higher regard than everyone else, that this person has a higher status, and is respected more. It would easily make sense to a child that mimicking this person's behavior would cause everyone to give him or her the same special treatment.

The child is also being taught that it's NORMAL to have a hierarchy within the family like a Gorilla Troupe. All it takes is for the child to watch this person behaving this way and not receive appropriate consequences for them to get the impression that it's "okay" to act this way. They often even come to believe that "mastering" this behavior is an indication of Coming of Age, of becoming a Real Man or a Real Woman. Whoever throws their weight around the most to get their way, and GETS their way, looks to a child like a powerful person. Children do not yet know the difference between entitled, spoiled, bully behavior and strength, confidence, and respect.
 
When this belief is formed early from this modeling, the child may internalize it so much that he or she does not see that it is not his or her own identity. The child may believe that this behavior is actually the way they should act, and that anyone who opposes their behavior or stands up to them is putting them down, disrespecting THEM, and trying to SHAME THEM for "Who They Are".


Basically, the child was taught to expect tolerance FROM others no matter what, and that means the others love and respect him or her. They were also taught that treating others with condescension and DISrespect is their right and privilege as one of the "Real" or "Elite People" like they saw the abusive person as. 

 Even being put on a pedestal and treated like a Golden Child, above others, is a form of abuse; the child is not taught any bearings on reality, the child is not given real mirroring as a real person, and does not feel like he or she belongs in the world. It also pits others against the child, making the child even more isolated.

 It is important to understand that any child who grew up with an abusive person or persons in their lives was a victim of abuse whether they developed narcissistic tendencies or not. This means their natural boundaries were probably torn down, and they had to compensate and cope without them in place. Our boundaries are what allow us to cope with day to day challenges, trials and tribulations, other people's behavior, and with large scale problems as well. Without intact boundaries, when abuse and trauma have damaged them, we humans feel buffeted and beaten by life. People develop all kinds of coping mechanisms and skills to get through life without intact boundaries, including displaying aggression, building walls, self-destruction, becoming submissive, or arrogance and entitlement.  It can be compared in a physical way to skin; if a person's skin was damaged, they would protect themselves by covering it with something, keeping people away, telling people they need to be extra-aware of them so they don't hurt their damaged skin, expecting people to treat them with extra care, and going to higher ground to be above the fray, to avoid injury. A person may also take something regularly to ease the pain. If they healed the damaged skin back to full health, they would not need to do any of those things, and would live life without so much worry, expectation of others, and self-protection.

It is a tragic scenario, a child being modeled entitled, abusive, narcissistic behavior as "Adult Behavior", but there is hope for the adult child to heal completely if they can grasp the concept of humility and healing. Since it's common for Narcissists to teach a child a false concept of humility, that it's the same as submission to others and destruction of self-worth, the person would need to RELEARN the real definition of humility. Also if they can grasp the concept that they don't have to reject and hate the person(s) who modeled the behavior, that they don't have to be ashamed of the person or of themselves in order to feel remorse, guilt, or love for themselves and others, then healing can begin.

Grown Up Psychologists

Those who work as caregivers, counselors, or doctors in the related fields of psychiatry and psychology can not perform their jobs properly if they have not matured out of judging others. A patient who has been judged as "damaged goods" or "lesser" by a psych. professional can not be treated properly, they have already been thrown away. Just like a teacher who sees a child as "no good" or a "waste of a seat" will not teach that child with any professionalism, a clergy who sees a parishioner as "damned" or "no good" will not bother to do his or her real job, or a police officer who assumes that a person is guilty of something because of their tattoos, their short skirt, the car they're driving, or the color of their skin. When the job a person has CHOSEN is working with human beings, the ability to see them as innately valuable individuals and remain objective is absolutely essential in doing their job properly. It takes a certain level of maturity and self-awareness, but with a small amount of effort, anyone without a mental limitation can learn objectivity. Judging students, clients and patients as "bad" or "good" should have been left far behind, in childhood, where it belongs.

Song

What would happen if you recorded a song you wrote, put it on the internet, and it became a huge hit?

Treating Narcissism

"I dispute that narcissism is not treatable. The only reason it isn't treatable or that droves of psychologists and researchers are not pursuing it is that it is difficult and someone feels they could make money easier."

-CAC

I wholeheartedly agree.

Only Losers...

Only The Envious Criticize People For Doing What They Love To Do. When Someone Criticizes Them For Doing What They Love, They Will Be The First Ones To Have A Meltdown Tantrum...

"Writers write. They don't stop just because someone doesn't like their subject, tells them they're not good at it, or calls them a loser. Just like musicians must play, writers must write. The only ones who seem to get it are others like themselves. There will always be critics- friends, family, teachers.. you know you've finally made it when the critics are insulting you in the Times."

Basic Narcissism 101

A very basic analogy of narcissism could be seen as two people who meet; one of them speaks only French, the other speaks only Spanish.

The Spanish speaking person wants the French speaker to learn Spanish so they can communicate easier, but literally has no interest in learning any French.

The Spanish speaking person wants their French speaking friend to come to all the holiday celebrations a...nd family gatherings, and sees this as being open and friendly, but refuses to go to any of the French speaker's holiday celebrations or family activities.

When the French speaker declines attending one of the Spanish celebrations, the Spanish speaker feels angry and indignant, "blown off", but completely fails to notice that he has railed against attending most of the events that the French speaker invited him to.

The French speaker, in broken Spanish, conveys to the Spanish speaker that it would be very helpful if the Spanish speaker learned how to speak some French, but the Spanish speaker basically shrugs the request off.

The Spanish speaker sees his life, his schedule, his experiences and his traditions as the "Real" Life, and sees the French speaker's life and all therein as not really significant or important in comparison, and certainly not as "Real". The Spanish speaker really believes that if the French speaker just forgot about his own less significant life and adapted to life with and just like the Spanish speaker, and acted the way the Spanish speaker wants him to act, and did everything he was told, he would be happy. It never occurs to him that the French speaker's life is just as REAL as his own already, and that his life is not more valid or important than the other's.

The Spanish speaker will become angry and actually accuse the French speaker of blow-off, betrayal, inconsiderate behavior, and even abuse when the French speaker does not continue to grant the Spanish speaker's wishes and comply with all requests. Even asking the Spanish speaker to make a small effort toward helping the communication and treating the French speaker with respect will often trigger the Spanish speaker to become angry, AS IF MEETING THE FRENCH SPEAKER HALFWAY ABOUT ANYTHING IS A TERRIBLE AND PAINFUL BURDEN, and that the French speaker is being cruel and untoward to even suggest such a thing.

The narcissist is a Royal who does not want to leave the security and safety of his or her palace, and gets offended and very upset when asked to do so, but fully expects others to leave their palaces unattended in order to fulfill his or her requests and expectations. This Royal does not meet others "halfway", would not sacrifice a sweetmeat to feed a starving subject, would not leave the comfort of their palace to be by a dying relative's side. Doesn't even know why a person would do those things.