Paranoia: Your Boundaries, Your House
An increased level of Paranoia can be a symptom of Narcissistic abuse. It can be a symptom of just being around Narcissists for any length of time as well. Most people tend to forget that "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you" is actually true. When we start to lose our confidence in our instincts about our own safety, we can become paranoid because our natural boundaries "alerts" aren't working well. When we trust our ability to DISCERN whether a person is neutral, benevolent or malevolent, we have no need for extra suspicion.
We don't normally assume someone is doing something to betray or hurt us with very little evidence, because we don't have fear that we'll be tricked. BUT when we keep having to deal with specific people who DO try to trick us, of course our level of suspicion is going to increase. When we keep having to deal with specific people who treat us like we're naive, stupid, or below them in some way, of course we will increase our suspicion levels. When we betrayed over and over, when we are disrespected repeatedly, when we are lied to, stolen from, ridiculed, or backstabbed over and over, our natural, NORMAL response would be to increase our level of vigilance, raise our boundaries, and be more watchful and suspicious.
This turns into "paranoia" when we find that we have lost trust and confidence in our OWN abilities to keep ourselves safe.
Our boundaries are our natural borders, the "lines" that keep ourselves within ourselves, and keeps the rest of the world OUTSIDE. We are who we are, and we know this when we have healthy boundaries. Other people are who THEY are, and we know this, too. We are like houses unto ourselves; what is within our house walls is safely inside. What is outside is clearly outside, and not inside. We can open the doors and windows when we so choose, but we can CLOSE them when we so choose as well; we are the sole proprietors, the owner, the person in charge. WE ALONE are in charge of when those doors or windows open and close, and what we have indoors. Everything inside our house is ours alone, and we are completely in charge of all of it. No one else is, no one. When we want to invite someone "in", we decide if they are allowed only in the yard, or on the porch. Someone we feel comfortable with because they have shown they are trustworthy, we might let in to the foyer. Someone else we trust we might invite to sit in the parlor for tea. A person we really trust because they have EARNED our trust over time and with their actions, we might invite in to spend time with us.
When we deal with people who don't RESPECT our natural, personal boundaries, they cross our lines.
Using our House picture, a person who doesn't respect our boundaries does things like bang on the door, or keep ringing the bell.
They may walk in without being invited, or being let in.
They may pick locks, or climb through windows.
They may act like they are trustworthy enough so that we let them in willingly, and then rob us when we're not looking.
They may come in and insult our furniture, our decor, the way we keep our things, the way we clean or don't clean.
They may come in and insult and criticize the work or projects we have going on.
They may try to rearrange our furniture, or try to tell us we should remodel the kitchen.
They may try to dictate what kinds of pets we should have, or not have.
They may come in, only to verbally or physically abuse us.
They may refuse to leave.
They may try to convince us that we should MOVE OUT of our OWN HOUSE, give it up, leave it behind, and move in with them. They may say our house is not good enough, or safe, or well-built, and that we should not take it seriously.
They may try to convince us that THE HOUSE IS NOT REALLY OUR OWN HOUSE. That we are not the real owners. That maybe THEY are the real owners.
If they have a hard time convincing us of these things (getting us to move out, give up our House, or believe our House isn't good) and/or if they think we figured out what they were doing, they may go outside and tell all the other Homeowners in the neighborhood false things about our House, and about what we do inside, and about who we really are, so all those other Homeowners will start to stare and wonder, and start to behave like they don't want your House in their Neighborhood.
So, if we have been dealing with individuals like this who don't respect our boundaries repeatedly, then we will of course start locking our windows and doors. We will close the curtains, we will install an alarm system. We may find ourselves peeking through the blinds and the peephole at anyone who comes near us (our House).
When our level of suspicion becomes overwhelming, we may start to forget about watching each person separately, as individual people, and we may forget who we are sure we can trust. We may stop going through the process of LEARNING WHO we can trust.
We may become so overwhelmed with suspicion that we start to suspect those who ARE trustworthy, who have shown genuine respect and care toward us. We may suspect anyone we see coming near our House. We may start to wonder anxiously what others are DOING, what they're THINKING, and WHY they do or don't do things. We may be FEARFUL that they are going to do the same things that the others did who disrespected our boundaries, and look for evidence that they have betrayed us in order to protect ourselves.
Instead of being confident that we know when to open and close our doors and windows, we stop trusting our own judgment, so we lock them all the time. Because we are overwhelmed, we stop believing in our own ability to deal with normal human interaction. We may accuse those who we formerly trusted of being traitors, even if they have done nothing of the sort. In this way, we start to close ourselves in as an effort to protect ourselves, but we don't realize that we have stopped going outside and enjoying the sunshine, and we have stopped our visits and connections with others that were a large part of our happiness.
In order to heal ourselves so we can feel safe, secure, and "normal" again, we need to look to ourselves first. It is helpful to fact-check ourselves, our beliefs, and the actual course of events. Did we create a story about someone that's not true, just to feel right about our suspicious feelings? Are we going over the actual events, re-reading emails, messages, and letters? Are we able to speak directly to the person we're accusing of betrayal, or are we just trying to make ourselves feel strong and safe by bullying them and accusing them?
Do we really want to drive this person away? Or are we seeing how far we can push them? What happens if we push them too far? Why aren't we thinking about how our accusations are affecting or hurting them?
It can help tremendously to go over events carefully from all the different people in our lives. When we become overwhelmed, it's normal for us to need to ground ourselves by objectively reviewing what is really, truly happening, and what has really actually happened.
Our own ability to interact safely and respectfully with others is the key to healing. Being confident that we are the true sole proprietors of our own House, and that we only let in who we want to let in, not who comes banging at the door, or lays on the doorbell, or demands to be let in. Certainly not who tries to get the neighborhood to go along with turning on us. Certainly not who picks the locks or climbs through windows. And we can and should and DO kick out whoever we let in, who bullies us, insults us, or takes our things. We SHOULD NOT try to harm them in any way, ever, and if we need help kicking them out, we should find someone to help us right away. When we feel confident again in our own ability to DEAL WITH ACTUAL trespassers, the right way, we will once again feel confident in our ability to decide who to trust, and how far to let them in.
We don't normally assume someone is doing something to betray or hurt us with very little evidence, because we don't have fear that we'll be tricked. BUT when we keep having to deal with specific people who DO try to trick us, of course our level of suspicion is going to increase. When we keep having to deal with specific people who treat us like we're naive, stupid, or below them in some way, of course we will increase our suspicion levels. When we betrayed over and over, when we are disrespected repeatedly, when we are lied to, stolen from, ridiculed, or backstabbed over and over, our natural, NORMAL response would be to increase our level of vigilance, raise our boundaries, and be more watchful and suspicious.
This turns into "paranoia" when we find that we have lost trust and confidence in our OWN abilities to keep ourselves safe.
Our boundaries are our natural borders, the "lines" that keep ourselves within ourselves, and keeps the rest of the world OUTSIDE. We are who we are, and we know this when we have healthy boundaries. Other people are who THEY are, and we know this, too. We are like houses unto ourselves; what is within our house walls is safely inside. What is outside is clearly outside, and not inside. We can open the doors and windows when we so choose, but we can CLOSE them when we so choose as well; we are the sole proprietors, the owner, the person in charge. WE ALONE are in charge of when those doors or windows open and close, and what we have indoors. Everything inside our house is ours alone, and we are completely in charge of all of it. No one else is, no one. When we want to invite someone "in", we decide if they are allowed only in the yard, or on the porch. Someone we feel comfortable with because they have shown they are trustworthy, we might let in to the foyer. Someone else we trust we might invite to sit in the parlor for tea. A person we really trust because they have EARNED our trust over time and with their actions, we might invite in to spend time with us.
When we deal with people who don't RESPECT our natural, personal boundaries, they cross our lines.
Using our House picture, a person who doesn't respect our boundaries does things like bang on the door, or keep ringing the bell.
They may walk in without being invited, or being let in.
They may pick locks, or climb through windows.
They may act like they are trustworthy enough so that we let them in willingly, and then rob us when we're not looking.
They may come in and insult our furniture, our decor, the way we keep our things, the way we clean or don't clean.
They may come in and insult and criticize the work or projects we have going on.
They may try to rearrange our furniture, or try to tell us we should remodel the kitchen.
They may try to dictate what kinds of pets we should have, or not have.
They may come in, only to verbally or physically abuse us.
They may refuse to leave.
They may try to convince us that we should MOVE OUT of our OWN HOUSE, give it up, leave it behind, and move in with them. They may say our house is not good enough, or safe, or well-built, and that we should not take it seriously.
They may try to convince us that THE HOUSE IS NOT REALLY OUR OWN HOUSE. That we are not the real owners. That maybe THEY are the real owners.
If they have a hard time convincing us of these things (getting us to move out, give up our House, or believe our House isn't good) and/or if they think we figured out what they were doing, they may go outside and tell all the other Homeowners in the neighborhood false things about our House, and about what we do inside, and about who we really are, so all those other Homeowners will start to stare and wonder, and start to behave like they don't want your House in their Neighborhood.
So, if we have been dealing with individuals like this who don't respect our boundaries repeatedly, then we will of course start locking our windows and doors. We will close the curtains, we will install an alarm system. We may find ourselves peeking through the blinds and the peephole at anyone who comes near us (our House).
When our level of suspicion becomes overwhelming, we may start to forget about watching each person separately, as individual people, and we may forget who we are sure we can trust. We may stop going through the process of LEARNING WHO we can trust.
We may become so overwhelmed with suspicion that we start to suspect those who ARE trustworthy, who have shown genuine respect and care toward us. We may suspect anyone we see coming near our House. We may start to wonder anxiously what others are DOING, what they're THINKING, and WHY they do or don't do things. We may be FEARFUL that they are going to do the same things that the others did who disrespected our boundaries, and look for evidence that they have betrayed us in order to protect ourselves.
Instead of being confident that we know when to open and close our doors and windows, we stop trusting our own judgment, so we lock them all the time. Because we are overwhelmed, we stop believing in our own ability to deal with normal human interaction. We may accuse those who we formerly trusted of being traitors, even if they have done nothing of the sort. In this way, we start to close ourselves in as an effort to protect ourselves, but we don't realize that we have stopped going outside and enjoying the sunshine, and we have stopped our visits and connections with others that were a large part of our happiness.
In order to heal ourselves so we can feel safe, secure, and "normal" again, we need to look to ourselves first. It is helpful to fact-check ourselves, our beliefs, and the actual course of events. Did we create a story about someone that's not true, just to feel right about our suspicious feelings? Are we going over the actual events, re-reading emails, messages, and letters? Are we able to speak directly to the person we're accusing of betrayal, or are we just trying to make ourselves feel strong and safe by bullying them and accusing them?
Do we really want to drive this person away? Or are we seeing how far we can push them? What happens if we push them too far? Why aren't we thinking about how our accusations are affecting or hurting them?
It can help tremendously to go over events carefully from all the different people in our lives. When we become overwhelmed, it's normal for us to need to ground ourselves by objectively reviewing what is really, truly happening, and what has really actually happened.
Our own ability to interact safely and respectfully with others is the key to healing. Being confident that we are the true sole proprietors of our own House, and that we only let in who we want to let in, not who comes banging at the door, or lays on the doorbell, or demands to be let in. Certainly not who tries to get the neighborhood to go along with turning on us. Certainly not who picks the locks or climbs through windows. And we can and should and DO kick out whoever we let in, who bullies us, insults us, or takes our things. We SHOULD NOT try to harm them in any way, ever, and if we need help kicking them out, we should find someone to help us right away. When we feel confident again in our own ability to DEAL WITH ACTUAL trespassers, the right way, we will once again feel confident in our ability to decide who to trust, and how far to let them in.
Arrogant Therapists and Counselors
"I can see how it happens, how you go from wanting to help others to
believing that you are gifted. I have had the privilege of seeing many
awe inspiring therapists at work. Their abilities have been absolutely
amazing to witness. When a client starts to see positive results based
on their treatments, they don't just pay you, they refer others and
generally offer praise. If you are not a well grounded individual this
can, unfortunately, lead to arrogance."
I concur. Arrogance equals sloppiness and an inability to take in information, especially in human services fields.
Click to read: The Arrogant Therapist
I concur. Arrogance equals sloppiness and an inability to take in information, especially in human services fields.
Click to read: The Arrogant Therapist
Defensiveness and Innocence
Defensiveness and Innocence
(please do note that the male pronouns used in this article can be interchanged with female pronouns when the subject is female)
Remember that when we are defense mode, we aren't thinking much about how the other person feels. If we have PTSD from abuse and we feel defensive, we may jump to fight or flight quite easily, and there is not much awareness about what we're doing to the person we're defending ourselves against in fight or flight.
To picture this quickly, if one imagines being chased and cornered by a mountain lion, one's fight-or-flight instincts take over as an automatic brain function. Even the zoologist who is studying the mountain lion will block out his affection for the cat in order to survive. Whatever the cornered person can defend himself with, a stone, a branch, a flashlight, anything, that's what the person will use. Survival is the subconscious's goal when it's completely in fight or flight. The zoologist may remain hopeful that he can scare the cat away, but if the cat keeps trying to get him, he will continue to defend himself whatever way he can. The more the cat tries to get him, the less and less empathy he will be able to hold on to, and the more his fight or flight will take over.
Children who grow up in abusive environments, whether it's from parents, siblings, or others in the area can develop a hair-trigger defensive reaction when they feel any threat. We all knew the kid who had a reputation for flying into a rage and beating up anyone who crossed him; he may have developed that reaction because he was a target first. (As a child I did always wonder why no one was helping those kids, as an adult I know the answer; hardly anyone cared enough to help, hardly anyone had a clue, and hardly anyone had the guts to stand up to abusive adults, or help one parent get away from the other with the children. Those who did care or try to help could be crushed under the political weight and threats of those who did not.)
I have known more than one person, like those kids, who was quite proud of their hair-trigger-rage reputation, "I see red, and I can't be responsible for what I do, I can't help myself". The reason every one of those ragers proclaimed this hair-trigger instead of getting help for it was because it gave them something; it served them. It gave them a "bad-ass" reputation so those who had hurt them would be afraid of them (since that's all bullies seem to understand, is who to fear and who they can bully). That same reputation warded off new bullies from hurting them. That reputation also gave them a "warning sticker" on their heads just in case they did have a tantrum and didn't control themselves, people are usually easier on the "crazy guy who can't control himself" for acting that way than a person who has a "Mr. Normal" reputation. ("Mr. or Mrs. Normal" goes to jail, "crazy guy or gal with a hard life" gets put in the psyche ward or released.)
One of the beliefs all these ragers had in common was their belief in their own innocence. They really believed that if someone upset them enough to "make them see red", that they were not responsible or accountable for their actions after that. They believed that because their emotional reaction was so strong, that they could not be held accountable for what they did, and that the person who "caused" them to "see red" was the one responsible for the entire course of events.
They were all stuck in childhood, at the time in their life when they were being targeted by bigger and older people. The child who is being bullied or abused is of course innocent. But because of the intense emotional trauma at the time of these events, the child kept that feeling of being the innocent one defending himself, and made it part of his identity. Not purposely, perhaps, but subconsciously.
As the child grew up, he (or she) kept that identity of "the innocent being bullied" as a protective measure. Most ragers would deny to the death being a "victim", or having "victim mentality", but that's still because they have internalized the "innocent" identity, and they believe that having a 'victim mentality" means a person is weak and manipulative, (because that's what bullies/narcissists TOLD them, in order to brainwash them from telling on them.)
When a person has internalized the "innocent being bullied" identity from past trauma, they can be completely convinced that any time they FEEL something coming from someone else, they are being attacked. Anything that feels like a demand, a command, an insult, an accusation, a humiliation, or a burden on them can trigger their feeling of being bullied or abused, and they can become instantly defensive, and STAY defensive, and stay in the belief that they must defend themselves.
When a person truly believes they are defending themselves against a real threat, their ability to empathize is severely hampered, and even turned off completely. Like a child throwing a pet hamster across the room when it nips his finger, completely disregarding the hamster's life and safety. Some children would not ever do that, but many would~ The ones who WOULD do that often get taught inadvertently that they will not receive consequences for harming the hamster because the hamster bit first. This can lead, obviously, to a skewed belief that "as long as I'm defending myself, I am innocent, and I deserve no consequences for what I do in my defense, and whatever I do is okay."
To further this, many children who develop this belief also eventually develop methods to magnify and capitalize on being the "innocent one", and it can work well in families with dysfunction and abuse. They may not realize they're doing it, or they may be aware of it on some level, but they usually don't consciously think about it much intellectually, they just keep doing it and testing it, and doing it more.
So the child can end up being the biggest bully in school and get away with it because they have honed their "innocent one" methods so well. In the closed system of a family or school, even sometimes the local community, this child can continue the behavior unchecked for years, because the people are USED TO the same things within the system. But when the child grows up and goes out into the world, or meets people who are not from the local collective, the child will have a hard time with the social interaction skills required to communicate effectively and respectfully, and will probably expect to continue to get away with his "I'm the innocent one" method whenever his behavior is questioned, or when he crosses lines and boundaries.
(Many celebrities have made headlines because of their expectations of being seen as the "innocent in defense of him/herself" when their behavior was clearly abusive and out of line. Even the glare of a world-sized spotlight didn't cause them to stop and think about their actions BEFORE they did it, and since most of them repeated their behavior again, apparently it didn't cause them to think about it AFTER they did it either.)
The consequences of this internalization of being the 'innocent one being bullied" can be far-reaching, and affect many people in the person's life, as well as the person themselves. It can be stopped in it's tracks if it's recognized by the person, and the right combination of healing, therapy and support can lead to recovery, but the first step is the recognition, and the willingness to learn about it.
written by M.M.Black
(please do note that the male pronouns used in this article can be interchanged with female pronouns when the subject is female)
Remember that when we are defense mode, we aren't thinking much about how the other person feels. If we have PTSD from abuse and we feel defensive, we may jump to fight or flight quite easily, and there is not much awareness about what we're doing to the person we're defending ourselves against in fight or flight.
To picture this quickly, if one imagines being chased and cornered by a mountain lion, one's fight-or-flight instincts take over as an automatic brain function. Even the zoologist who is studying the mountain lion will block out his affection for the cat in order to survive. Whatever the cornered person can defend himself with, a stone, a branch, a flashlight, anything, that's what the person will use. Survival is the subconscious's goal when it's completely in fight or flight. The zoologist may remain hopeful that he can scare the cat away, but if the cat keeps trying to get him, he will continue to defend himself whatever way he can. The more the cat tries to get him, the less and less empathy he will be able to hold on to, and the more his fight or flight will take over.
Children who grow up in abusive environments, whether it's from parents, siblings, or others in the area can develop a hair-trigger defensive reaction when they feel any threat. We all knew the kid who had a reputation for flying into a rage and beating up anyone who crossed him; he may have developed that reaction because he was a target first. (As a child I did always wonder why no one was helping those kids, as an adult I know the answer; hardly anyone cared enough to help, hardly anyone had a clue, and hardly anyone had the guts to stand up to abusive adults, or help one parent get away from the other with the children. Those who did care or try to help could be crushed under the political weight and threats of those who did not.)
I have known more than one person, like those kids, who was quite proud of their hair-trigger-rage reputation, "I see red, and I can't be responsible for what I do, I can't help myself". The reason every one of those ragers proclaimed this hair-trigger instead of getting help for it was because it gave them something; it served them. It gave them a "bad-ass" reputation so those who had hurt them would be afraid of them (since that's all bullies seem to understand, is who to fear and who they can bully). That same reputation warded off new bullies from hurting them. That reputation also gave them a "warning sticker" on their heads just in case they did have a tantrum and didn't control themselves, people are usually easier on the "crazy guy who can't control himself" for acting that way than a person who has a "Mr. Normal" reputation. ("Mr. or Mrs. Normal" goes to jail, "crazy guy or gal with a hard life" gets put in the psyche ward or released.)
One of the beliefs all these ragers had in common was their belief in their own innocence. They really believed that if someone upset them enough to "make them see red", that they were not responsible or accountable for their actions after that. They believed that because their emotional reaction was so strong, that they could not be held accountable for what they did, and that the person who "caused" them to "see red" was the one responsible for the entire course of events.
They were all stuck in childhood, at the time in their life when they were being targeted by bigger and older people. The child who is being bullied or abused is of course innocent. But because of the intense emotional trauma at the time of these events, the child kept that feeling of being the innocent one defending himself, and made it part of his identity. Not purposely, perhaps, but subconsciously.
As the child grew up, he (or she) kept that identity of "the innocent being bullied" as a protective measure. Most ragers would deny to the death being a "victim", or having "victim mentality", but that's still because they have internalized the "innocent" identity, and they believe that having a 'victim mentality" means a person is weak and manipulative, (because that's what bullies/narcissists TOLD them, in order to brainwash them from telling on them.)
When a person has internalized the "innocent being bullied" identity from past trauma, they can be completely convinced that any time they FEEL something coming from someone else, they are being attacked. Anything that feels like a demand, a command, an insult, an accusation, a humiliation, or a burden on them can trigger their feeling of being bullied or abused, and they can become instantly defensive, and STAY defensive, and stay in the belief that they must defend themselves.
When a person truly believes they are defending themselves against a real threat, their ability to empathize is severely hampered, and even turned off completely. Like a child throwing a pet hamster across the room when it nips his finger, completely disregarding the hamster's life and safety. Some children would not ever do that, but many would~ The ones who WOULD do that often get taught inadvertently that they will not receive consequences for harming the hamster because the hamster bit first. This can lead, obviously, to a skewed belief that "as long as I'm defending myself, I am innocent, and I deserve no consequences for what I do in my defense, and whatever I do is okay."
To further this, many children who develop this belief also eventually develop methods to magnify and capitalize on being the "innocent one", and it can work well in families with dysfunction and abuse. They may not realize they're doing it, or they may be aware of it on some level, but they usually don't consciously think about it much intellectually, they just keep doing it and testing it, and doing it more.
So the child can end up being the biggest bully in school and get away with it because they have honed their "innocent one" methods so well. In the closed system of a family or school, even sometimes the local community, this child can continue the behavior unchecked for years, because the people are USED TO the same things within the system. But when the child grows up and goes out into the world, or meets people who are not from the local collective, the child will have a hard time with the social interaction skills required to communicate effectively and respectfully, and will probably expect to continue to get away with his "I'm the innocent one" method whenever his behavior is questioned, or when he crosses lines and boundaries.
(Many celebrities have made headlines because of their expectations of being seen as the "innocent in defense of him/herself" when their behavior was clearly abusive and out of line. Even the glare of a world-sized spotlight didn't cause them to stop and think about their actions BEFORE they did it, and since most of them repeated their behavior again, apparently it didn't cause them to think about it AFTER they did it either.)
The consequences of this internalization of being the 'innocent one being bullied" can be far-reaching, and affect many people in the person's life, as well as the person themselves. It can be stopped in it's tracks if it's recognized by the person, and the right combination of healing, therapy and support can lead to recovery, but the first step is the recognition, and the willingness to learn about it.
written by M.M.Black
Objective Opinion...
There is a common perception problem in humans that seems to be getting worse.
That problem is believing one's opinion is "objective reality".
In other words, believing that a pretty flower is pretty, period, like it's a fact. Water is liquid, that flower is pretty... When something is "pretty" or "not pretty", it's a personal opinion, not FACT. You could think roses are beautiful, someone else could think they're boring, blase, weird. Neither is "right", because that is not what a FACT is. The rose is a flower, that's a fact. The rose is red, or yellow, or white. Those are not opinions, those are facts. The rose is beautiful is NOT a fact, it's an opinion.
Just like chocolate; some people love it, some people could care less, some people don't like it. Because chocolate is not YUMMY as a FACT, it's YUMMY ONLY to people who find it yummy.
The woman who everyone keeps saying is beautiful is not objectively beautiful; she herself might even find herself unattractive. There are many, many people who will not find her attractive, and there will be many who think she's downright ugly or weird looking. So, being envious of her is just dumb. Same with men. Same with EVERYTHING. The jacket that guy is wearing is "awful" to YOU, but not to EVERYONE. It's not a FACT, it's your personal opinion, that's it. His hair is horrible to you, to someone else it's very attractive. The song you hate is loved by others, the song you love is ignored by many because they don't LIKE it. The singer you think sounds like a dying cat is awful TO YOU, it's your opinion, someone else obviously loves the sound of that singer's voice or they wouldn't be on the radio. It's resonating with someone, just like your favorite singer resonates with you.
BOUNDARIES and DISCERNMENT, two things essential for intelligent Civilization that seem to have been systematically destroyed by ignorance.
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| Add chttp://flowerpics.net/roses/rose-flower-wallpapers.htmlaption |
That problem is believing one's opinion is "objective reality".
In other words, believing that a pretty flower is pretty, period, like it's a fact. Water is liquid, that flower is pretty... When something is "pretty" or "not pretty", it's a personal opinion, not FACT. You could think roses are beautiful, someone else could think they're boring, blase, weird. Neither is "right", because that is not what a FACT is. The rose is a flower, that's a fact. The rose is red, or yellow, or white. Those are not opinions, those are facts. The rose is beautiful is NOT a fact, it's an opinion.
Just like chocolate; some people love it, some people could care less, some people don't like it. Because chocolate is not YUMMY as a FACT, it's YUMMY ONLY to people who find it yummy.
The woman who everyone keeps saying is beautiful is not objectively beautiful; she herself might even find herself unattractive. There are many, many people who will not find her attractive, and there will be many who think she's downright ugly or weird looking. So, being envious of her is just dumb. Same with men. Same with EVERYTHING. The jacket that guy is wearing is "awful" to YOU, but not to EVERYONE. It's not a FACT, it's your personal opinion, that's it. His hair is horrible to you, to someone else it's very attractive. The song you hate is loved by others, the song you love is ignored by many because they don't LIKE it. The singer you think sounds like a dying cat is awful TO YOU, it's your opinion, someone else obviously loves the sound of that singer's voice or they wouldn't be on the radio. It's resonating with someone, just like your favorite singer resonates with you.
BOUNDARIES and DISCERNMENT, two things essential for intelligent Civilization that seem to have been systematically destroyed by ignorance.
Why The World Tends To Suck
It's
just math. If one can understand basic physics, one can understand
human interaction dynamics. Why one community, group, business,
organization, family, or relationship thrives, and why another one
breaks down, falls apart.
Bad relationship and community: Royalty elects themselves, and decides who is not worthy of a seat at the Royal table, and who is. Royalty also elects themselves judge and jury, and sees their opinions as facts, and cannot discern between the two. Feelings that predominate are envy, resentment, judgment, anxiety, fear, jealousy, shame, supremacy, lust, greed, hate, and desire to control. Royalty would rather exact "punishment" than figure out solutions, because it feels like power. Royalty has interest only in their own well-being, and will take whatever they need in order to feel satiated.
"Good" here implies a system that can freely expand, progress, and grow, that remains balanced, which provides every person with opportunity to build upon their own talents and aspirations.
"Bad" here implies a system revolving around a black hole that cannot expand, that is completely out of balance, and that will destroy its own resources and eventually implode.
Only people who can understand basic physics would see why the balance is important. And out of those people, only those who are able to put the balance ahead of their own ego issues really get it. In other words, a physics genius who thinks himself superior, or another inferior, still won't be able to grasp the concept; but a person with an average or lower IQ who can intuitively understand why a seesaw works, or why the planets revolve around the sun, who sees that every person has the same importance as everyone else, will be able to grasp the concept easily. .
Obviously a physics genius who does not have a superiority complex can most easily grasp the concept, it's all about balance and maintenance.
Female "Competition" (Please, pleeeease.. grow.up.already)
Being nice and sweet and super polite to a guy
but not behaving the same way to his girlfriend or wife when she meets
her; shutting her out, talking down to her, leaving her out of
conversation, acting like she isn't part of the "in-crowd" along with
her boyfriend/husband... pretty freaking clear signal there. Yeah, that
woman IS trying to compete with you for your boyfriend/husband's
attention.
And what does it mean when a GUY behaves the same way...trying to get your boyfriend/husband's attention and purposely treating you without common courtesy or respect... hmm... gee, what could it mean...
And what does it mean when a GUY behaves the same way...trying to get your boyfriend/husband's attention and purposely treating you without common courtesy or respect... hmm... gee, what could it mean...
Government, Politics, Responsibility
Open message to all of us who complain and rant about the government all the time:
If you want people running the government who don't bullsh**, better learn to start learning what the truth sounds like coming out of your own mouth.
You want rights?
When's the last time you stood up for someone else who was being mistreated or disrespected?
You want real respect?
When's the last time you gave it to your wife or your mother? Your brother or sister? The woman at the far desk at your office? The students or teachers at school? The people you see in the store, or on the street?
You want the truth?
How much of it do you share with your girlfriend? Or boyfriend?
You want fairness?
Who's in charge of the money in your household, just you, or does your spouse have an equal say?
You want loyalty?
Yeah, right... do you even know what that means, modern world citizen? Loyalty means actually being loyal to a person, so they don't have to worry about you blowing them off, leaving them alone in times of crisis or pain, cheating on them, turning on them, or backstabbing them.
You want help?
When's the last time you helped someone you didn't already like? When's the last time you helped without expecting a reward, recognition, or payback?
You want equality?
How are you treating ALL the people in your life?
You want accountability and responsibility from the people in the government?
How are you at taking responsibility for the way you treat people? For the way you behave, and the example you set? How much accountability do you take for the problems in your life, and in your relationships? Is it ever your fault? Or is someone "always blaming you" but you're completely innocent all the time...or nothing you do is that bad...Or "the kids all know it's out there anyway, why hide it"...
Or my favorite... it's not my problem, why should I do anything about it...
We don't GET what we aren't willing to GIVE.
The government is just people, just like you and me. How are we gonna hold them up to higher expectations as human beings than we hold ourselves to?
And how are we going to judge the crap they pull against the crap we pull every day?
If you want people running the government who don't bullsh**, better learn to start learning what the truth sounds like coming out of your own mouth.
You want rights?
When's the last time you stood up for someone else who was being mistreated or disrespected?
You want real respect?
When's the last time you gave it to your wife or your mother? Your brother or sister? The woman at the far desk at your office? The students or teachers at school? The people you see in the store, or on the street?
You want the truth?
How much of it do you share with your girlfriend? Or boyfriend?
You want fairness?
Who's in charge of the money in your household, just you, or does your spouse have an equal say?
You want loyalty?
Yeah, right... do you even know what that means, modern world citizen? Loyalty means actually being loyal to a person, so they don't have to worry about you blowing them off, leaving them alone in times of crisis or pain, cheating on them, turning on them, or backstabbing them.
You want help?
When's the last time you helped someone you didn't already like? When's the last time you helped without expecting a reward, recognition, or payback?
You want equality?
How are you treating ALL the people in your life?
You want accountability and responsibility from the people in the government?
How are you at taking responsibility for the way you treat people? For the way you behave, and the example you set? How much accountability do you take for the problems in your life, and in your relationships? Is it ever your fault? Or is someone "always blaming you" but you're completely innocent all the time...or nothing you do is that bad...Or "the kids all know it's out there anyway, why hide it"...
Or my favorite... it's not my problem, why should I do anything about it...
We don't GET what we aren't willing to GIVE.
The government is just people, just like you and me. How are we gonna hold them up to higher expectations as human beings than we hold ourselves to?
And how are we going to judge the crap they pull against the crap we pull every day?
WHY do they hurt people? Compulsive abuse
Compulsion is a powerful thing. We humans all have compulsions, it's part of our operating system. It's one of the built-in things that keeps us alive. We are compelled to do things so we don't have to consciously remember to them; we feel hungry, we put food in our mouth. We breathe, we seek warmth when we're cold, we seek shelter, we shut our eyes when something blows in our face. Our involuntary nervous system keeps our heart and our lungs pumping. We sleep, not because we want to, but because we have to. So we do it.
Then there are the compulsions that we all have, that don't really rate as "necessary for survival". An obvious and common one would be drinking coffee in the morning. Another common compulsion that many do, and most would like to stop doing, is cigarettes. Many people have compulsions with certain food. We can feel compelled to keep the kitchen clean (that's not the same as choosing to clean it.) Compulsions about how to hang our clothes, about the way we drive to work, about our clothing, about our teeth, about how much or how often we practice or work on something. We can have compulsions about pretty much anything.
All it takes for a compulsion to stick is some kind of reward that our brain and body can feel. If the thing made us feel good enough at the time of doing it, it can become a habit, and a compulsion. "Feeling good" as in a chemical reward, like a small adrenaline rush. Or a squirt of Oxytocin (the so-called love-chemical). Or an Endorphin rush.
Most people are aware of how some people have a compulsion to cut themselves. This is another compulsion that produces a chemical reward for the person doing it. It may be hard to understand, but that doesn't matter, it's still real, whether some people want to understand it or not.
So it stands to reason that if human beings can get a chemical reward from harming and causing pain to themselves, then it's not hard to see that human beings can get a chemical reward out of causing harm and pain to others.
People who have compulsions often desire stopping, and can have a very hard time doing so because the compulsion is so strong. Their subconscious wants that reward very strongly, and has ways of "tricking" the person into performing the behavior that produces the reward. Anyone who's ever battled a food, cigarette, or drug addiction can attest to that, and of course the actual chemicals that ingesting them produces makes the compulsion stronger. But doing something that has no external chemical reward can be just as hard to break, because the brain and body itself is producing the chemical reward. Gambling too much, for example. Driving too fast. Playing video games too much. But even non-obvious things like cleaning, working, or exercising can become compulsions, and produce the same chemical reward as any of the other examples. A person with a cleaning compulsion can become very upset if kept from their behavior, and can also become demanding and controlling toward others in the household who "interrupt" or "thwart" their obsession with cleaning, or with the house being clean (clean in THEIR OWN eyes; a person with a cleaning compulsion/obsession can cross personal boundaries and actually rearrange and even destroy another's personal space. Like any other addict, their feeling of reward becomes more important than the people around them.)
So, if a person has developed compulsions, in other words behaviors that give them a reward-feeling, and those compulsions happen to include causing pain to others, then it can be understood more readily why they do it, why they keep doing it, and why they don't seem to care.
So if little Scotty gets a charge out of pinching his brother, he is going to want to keep doing it. If he is not guided enough to thwart the charge he gets out of it, the reward will feel greater than the consequence. "I feel good when I pinch my brother, and I know of no good reason not to continue getting that good feeling."
A compulsion in the making.
If Scotty learned the pinching from one of his parents or another older relative, the odds of the pinching developing into a compulsion increase dramatically. Scotty sees no consequences for the older people, so in his mind, it must be something that's "okay" to do, even something that "adults do". So, no reason to stop. And, if Scotty is being pinched by older relatives, then him pinching his brother is most certainly giving him a feeling of relief and control. In such a family dynamic, empathy and care for others is not being taught, modeled, or rewarded. So... Scotty feels little or no reward for empathy or care for others, but he is feeling rewards for pinching and harming.
We can take the pinching compulsion and apply it to any behavior.
Common compulsions like this can be domination of others, controlling others, criticizing others, countering, opposing, name-calling, projecting, lying, hitting others, causing humiliation to others, causing trouble for them, backstabbing, sabotage, etc. General bullying behavior.
Compulsions that take the form of "good behavior" can also be controlling and dominating. A parent who got a feeling of reward from keeping their baby clean, for example, may hold on to that behavior and keep trying to perform it as the child gets older, instead of allowing the child to care for him or herself. The parent refuses to relinquish the act of cleaning the child because it gives the parent a feeling of reward, regardless of the behavior being unhealthy for the child.
Being told to stop doing a compulsion can feel and sound like judgment, domination, condescension and control. "You need to stop smoking" ... "You need to stop drinking coffee"... "You need to stop spending" ..."You need to stop taking cleaning so seriously" ... "You need to stop treating people that way"...
Since compulsions feel like something we need to have as a normal thing (any coffee drinker can attest to that), the behaviors do not want to be dropped by the person's subconscious. And the less awareness a person has, the less the person may even be aware of the behavior at all. Generally, we don't like to think about our compulsions, whether they're big or small, because the part of our brain that wants to keep them is quite defensive, and doesn't want us to expose them.
If we react defensively to something someone says about our behavior, or human behavior in general, that's a flag that is probably marking something we are hiding or protecting.
In summation, WHY do abusers keep hurting people, controlling people, trying to dominate people? A likely answer is that they are compelled to do the behavior, because it gives them a chemical reward. And compulsions are not really conscious choices, they are usually buried by the subconscious, in order to hide the whole thing from the person's conscious mind. We all have them, but some of us have much more harmful ones that may have developed in childhood. Harmful to ourselves, harmful to others.We usually only stop our compulsions when we notice they exist, notice they are doing harm, and still only then if we feel remorse, worry, or fear.
There are people who seem to be quite aware of their harmful behavior to others, even of their very harmful compulsions, and because of their disorder actually seem to feel completely entitled to continue their behavior with full awareness. That would be an actual psychopath ; human beings and any other living things hold no innate value to them, other people might as well be made of clay or stone to them. But most people are not psychopaths.
For example, a non-psychopath with a drug problem that causes harm to their children may try to stop, have a hard time with it, may wrestle with it and still cause their children harm in the throes of their addiction, but they truly feel remorse. A psychopath with the same drug addiction that causes harm to their children does not care about the harm they are causing to their children. If they do manage to get their addiction under control, it won't have anything to do with guilt or remorse about the children, it will be solely to enhance their own lives. And no, they don't get that their children are part of their lives.
Some people really do seem to have a lower natural capacity for empathy, or even comprehension of other people, and the fact that they are just as real and important as themselves. Others seem to have a higher capacity for comprehending others. Like any other human ability, some people have more of it, and some have less of it. But the less a person can comprehend that other people are "real people' just like themselves, the less likely they are to be aware of the harm they are capable of, or the harm that they inflict. And therefore, will be less likely to get a handle on their compulsions.
If I don't really think my sister is an important person, than I'm not going to think it's important to stop causing her pain, or to support her when others cause her pain.
M.M.Black
Then there are the compulsions that we all have, that don't really rate as "necessary for survival". An obvious and common one would be drinking coffee in the morning. Another common compulsion that many do, and most would like to stop doing, is cigarettes. Many people have compulsions with certain food. We can feel compelled to keep the kitchen clean (that's not the same as choosing to clean it.) Compulsions about how to hang our clothes, about the way we drive to work, about our clothing, about our teeth, about how much or how often we practice or work on something. We can have compulsions about pretty much anything.
All it takes for a compulsion to stick is some kind of reward that our brain and body can feel. If the thing made us feel good enough at the time of doing it, it can become a habit, and a compulsion. "Feeling good" as in a chemical reward, like a small adrenaline rush. Or a squirt of Oxytocin (the so-called love-chemical). Or an Endorphin rush.
Most people are aware of how some people have a compulsion to cut themselves. This is another compulsion that produces a chemical reward for the person doing it. It may be hard to understand, but that doesn't matter, it's still real, whether some people want to understand it or not.
So it stands to reason that if human beings can get a chemical reward from harming and causing pain to themselves, then it's not hard to see that human beings can get a chemical reward out of causing harm and pain to others.
People who have compulsions often desire stopping, and can have a very hard time doing so because the compulsion is so strong. Their subconscious wants that reward very strongly, and has ways of "tricking" the person into performing the behavior that produces the reward. Anyone who's ever battled a food, cigarette, or drug addiction can attest to that, and of course the actual chemicals that ingesting them produces makes the compulsion stronger. But doing something that has no external chemical reward can be just as hard to break, because the brain and body itself is producing the chemical reward. Gambling too much, for example. Driving too fast. Playing video games too much. But even non-obvious things like cleaning, working, or exercising can become compulsions, and produce the same chemical reward as any of the other examples. A person with a cleaning compulsion can become very upset if kept from their behavior, and can also become demanding and controlling toward others in the household who "interrupt" or "thwart" their obsession with cleaning, or with the house being clean (clean in THEIR OWN eyes; a person with a cleaning compulsion/obsession can cross personal boundaries and actually rearrange and even destroy another's personal space. Like any other addict, their feeling of reward becomes more important than the people around them.)
So, if a person has developed compulsions, in other words behaviors that give them a reward-feeling, and those compulsions happen to include causing pain to others, then it can be understood more readily why they do it, why they keep doing it, and why they don't seem to care.
So if little Scotty gets a charge out of pinching his brother, he is going to want to keep doing it. If he is not guided enough to thwart the charge he gets out of it, the reward will feel greater than the consequence. "I feel good when I pinch my brother, and I know of no good reason not to continue getting that good feeling."
A compulsion in the making.
If Scotty learned the pinching from one of his parents or another older relative, the odds of the pinching developing into a compulsion increase dramatically. Scotty sees no consequences for the older people, so in his mind, it must be something that's "okay" to do, even something that "adults do". So, no reason to stop. And, if Scotty is being pinched by older relatives, then him pinching his brother is most certainly giving him a feeling of relief and control. In such a family dynamic, empathy and care for others is not being taught, modeled, or rewarded. So... Scotty feels little or no reward for empathy or care for others, but he is feeling rewards for pinching and harming.
We can take the pinching compulsion and apply it to any behavior.
Common compulsions like this can be domination of others, controlling others, criticizing others, countering, opposing, name-calling, projecting, lying, hitting others, causing humiliation to others, causing trouble for them, backstabbing, sabotage, etc. General bullying behavior.
Compulsions that take the form of "good behavior" can also be controlling and dominating. A parent who got a feeling of reward from keeping their baby clean, for example, may hold on to that behavior and keep trying to perform it as the child gets older, instead of allowing the child to care for him or herself. The parent refuses to relinquish the act of cleaning the child because it gives the parent a feeling of reward, regardless of the behavior being unhealthy for the child.
Being told to stop doing a compulsion can feel and sound like judgment, domination, condescension and control. "You need to stop smoking" ... "You need to stop drinking coffee"... "You need to stop spending" ..."You need to stop taking cleaning so seriously" ... "You need to stop treating people that way"...
Since compulsions feel like something we need to have as a normal thing (any coffee drinker can attest to that), the behaviors do not want to be dropped by the person's subconscious. And the less awareness a person has, the less the person may even be aware of the behavior at all. Generally, we don't like to think about our compulsions, whether they're big or small, because the part of our brain that wants to keep them is quite defensive, and doesn't want us to expose them.
If we react defensively to something someone says about our behavior, or human behavior in general, that's a flag that is probably marking something we are hiding or protecting.
In summation, WHY do abusers keep hurting people, controlling people, trying to dominate people? A likely answer is that they are compelled to do the behavior, because it gives them a chemical reward. And compulsions are not really conscious choices, they are usually buried by the subconscious, in order to hide the whole thing from the person's conscious mind. We all have them, but some of us have much more harmful ones that may have developed in childhood. Harmful to ourselves, harmful to others.We usually only stop our compulsions when we notice they exist, notice they are doing harm, and still only then if we feel remorse, worry, or fear.
PSYCHOPATHS
There are people who seem to be quite aware of their harmful behavior to others, even of their very harmful compulsions, and because of their disorder actually seem to feel completely entitled to continue their behavior with full awareness. That would be an actual psychopath ; human beings and any other living things hold no innate value to them, other people might as well be made of clay or stone to them. But most people are not psychopaths.
For example, a non-psychopath with a drug problem that causes harm to their children may try to stop, have a hard time with it, may wrestle with it and still cause their children harm in the throes of their addiction, but they truly feel remorse. A psychopath with the same drug addiction that causes harm to their children does not care about the harm they are causing to their children. If they do manage to get their addiction under control, it won't have anything to do with guilt or remorse about the children, it will be solely to enhance their own lives. And no, they don't get that their children are part of their lives.
So why don't they stop, if they're not a psychopath?
Some people really do seem to have a lower natural capacity for empathy, or even comprehension of other people, and the fact that they are just as real and important as themselves. Others seem to have a higher capacity for comprehending others. Like any other human ability, some people have more of it, and some have less of it. But the less a person can comprehend that other people are "real people' just like themselves, the less likely they are to be aware of the harm they are capable of, or the harm that they inflict. And therefore, will be less likely to get a handle on their compulsions.
If I don't really think my sister is an important person, than I'm not going to think it's important to stop causing her pain, or to support her when others cause her pain.
M.M.Black
Abandonment Hurts
Abandonment and abuse go together, because abusers use abandonment as a weapon.
~"If you don't allow me to treat you however I want, behave however I want toward you, then I will retaliate and punish you with abandonment; I will take away the most important thing, which is human connection. And I will twist everything around to make it seem like the abandonment was your fault for "misbehaving". I am Higher Status than you, and therefore entitled to treat you however I want, and if you protest, you will be abandoned and ostracized. And to prove how High Status I am and how Low Status you are, you will see that no one stands up for you."
(Most people who use abandonment and ostracism as a weapon learned it in childhood, either by watching it being done to others by adults in their lives, or being done to themselves, so there is a little room for compassion for someone who does this. But compassion does not equal allowing.)
WHY does it work?!
Why does it work on us, even when we know what's going on?!
Why do we feel the pain of abandonment, when the person doing the abandoning is only doing it for reasons of bullying, and we know it?
It works because we are human beings, and we are supposed to have human connection, it's part of our make-up. Abandonment causes pain just like anything else causes pain, no matter who is doing it, or why. If we burn ourselves on the stove, it hurts just the same as if we burn ourselves at a campfire. Certain things hurt, regardless of how they happened.
When someone does something to cause us pain on purpose, then there is the added pain of that, of being purposely hurt by someone we cared about. If we get kicked accidentally in a soccer game, it hurts physically, but if we get kicked by someone on purpose, there is naturally more feeling attached to the basic pain from the kick.
Our brain goes on automatic alert when someone uses abandonment and ostracism as a bully tactic. Our brain is our security system, and it knows much more about human behavior than we do consciously. When we are abandoned or ostracized, if our brains are in working order, it switches focus to protection of the self, and to figuring out what's going on.
Protection of the self is the brain's highest priority, and it already knows many possible reasons why a person would be abandoned, and what the many possible dangers could be.
When we are abandoned, our brain goes on alert because it knows we have just lost an apparent ally. Allies protect us from danger, whether we live in a city surrounded by potential criminals, or in the outback wilderness surrounded by potential predators. Allies rescue us FROM danger as well. Allies also help us out of day to day problems, as we do for them, and give us a feeling of security, just by being available in case something should happen.
Other people being aware that we HAVE allies keeps gossip, slander, and sabotage at bay, much, much more than most people realize. When others see a person as belonging to a group of allies, they are much more likely to treat them with respect, because they see the person not just as one sole social reject, vulnerable and easy prey... but as one of many, one of a crowd who will protect that person.
The kid who sat alone at lunch was the kid who was picked on, BY the kids who traveled in packs. The woman at the bar alone is the one who gets stared at, and the one a predatory jerk will approach first. Two parents are treated with more respect by school staff than a single parent. Politicians surround themselves with VISIBLE "allies" purposely, so the world sees them as "likeable" and "respected". Celebrity "image makers" create facades of having a larger fan base than they really do in order to get attention and respect from onlookers. Business people even often create facades of having more people working for them. Lots of businesses are named things like "Two Brothers" or "Five Guys" or "Merry Maids" or "H&R Block" or "McKinney & Son", all implying that there are more than one. A group, a concordance, an ALLIANCE. You can "buy" friends on MySpace and other social networks to make you look more popular, if that didn't matter then no one would do it, never mind pay for it. If you look up law practices, you will find hundreds of firms listing multiple partners as the "name" of their practice. Even medical professionals have taken up the habit of practicing WITH allies, other doctors, veterinarians, and psychologists.
EVERYTHING is easier and better if one has ALLIES, and if the world SEES YOU as having ALLIES.
Nearly every human brain is subconsciously aware of this fact, because that's how we evolved. We are group animals, and our subconscious instincts compel us to live within the safety of a group.
SO, abusers USE this natural, normal compulsion to belong and to keep connections we have made as a weapon AGAINST other people, to keep them in control.
This is also a big reason why so many people treat "Free Spirits" and "Free Thinkers" like they're crazy, rogue, or loose cannons; they are upset and frightened by a member of the larger group who seems to be unafraid of losing their status of Belonging by not conforming to whatever the current Status Quo is.
ALSO~ Allies are our friends; they make the connections with us that make good times happen. We are subconsciously aware of this, even if we don't think about it consciously. When we feel the sting of abandonment, we also automatically feel the pain of loss. The loss of a friend. Even when the person was abusive more often than not, the good times registered as "Friend" in our subconscious.
And... when someone is using abandonment to punish us, our brains are also aware that this person is not trustworthy or loyal, and has the definite potential of actively trying to get OTHER people to abandon us as well. This is a real FEAR that can be triggered in our brains, because group/social animals like us are in immediate danger when we are left alone in the wilderness. To understand this, we can picture ourselves as a member of a small tribe, not all that long ago. If our tribe abandons us, exiles us, we literally are alone in the wilderness, surrounded by predators, all kinds of biting insects and parasites, and exposed to the elements. Humans don't have fur, so exposure is a real problem for us. Abruptly having to survive on our own means actual imminent danger for any human, even the "toughest". We have to find our own food every day, cover ourselves every day, sleep (how, where, without getting bitten or attacked?), keep warm every day, drink fresh and uncontaminated water every day. We have to make our own fire, and keep it burning, all by ourselves. All this, and no one to help, no one to watch our backs, no one to talk to.
Our brain is also aware, even if we are not, even if we refuse to admit it, that this kind of total abandonment happens even in the most sophisticated cities, in the wealthiest countries. It can, in fact, happen to anyone. Even if we don't believe it consciously, our subconscious knows that it's possible.
So, even when the person who is using abandonment as a weapon is someone we thought we didn't want to deal with anymore, our subconscious feels the sting, the loss, and the automated fear response. That's why it hurts, and that's why it works on us, even when we're aware of what is really happening. The good news is, the more awareness we have, the less it will work on us, and the easier it will be to recover from the effects.
~~~ An important sidenote regarding the perception of abandonment~ those of us human beings with certain emotional dysregulation "disorders", can perceive that someone is abandoning us, when they are actually not; we really need to spend time taking apart what the other person is actually doing. Sometimes we feel like we are being abandoned by people who are behaving perfectly normally, often due to things that have happened to us in the past. For example, going to work is not abandonment, spending time with other friends sometimes is not abandonment; needing space to work on something is not abandonment. Not wanting to eat at a certain time, or food that was prepared, is not abandonment. Turning down an invitation occasionally is not abandonment. Having to go do other things is not abandonment, being on the phone with other people is not abandonment. Having success in one's career or aspiration is not abandonment either.
We can figure out what abandonment is and what it is not, with a few tools we can learn to use, and calm information gathering.
ALSO, upholding one's healthy boundaries against abusive, inconsiderate, deceitful, demanding, demeaning or controlling language and behavior is not abandonment.
The following links may help to find ways to understand what abandonment is and what it's not, and why we may not know the difference. A good therapist, counselor, or healer can also help in sorting this out.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm
http://www.ehow.com/how_8648917_handle-abandonment-issues.html
http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html
by M.M.Black
~"If you don't allow me to treat you however I want, behave however I want toward you, then I will retaliate and punish you with abandonment; I will take away the most important thing, which is human connection. And I will twist everything around to make it seem like the abandonment was your fault for "misbehaving". I am Higher Status than you, and therefore entitled to treat you however I want, and if you protest, you will be abandoned and ostracized. And to prove how High Status I am and how Low Status you are, you will see that no one stands up for you."
(Most people who use abandonment and ostracism as a weapon learned it in childhood, either by watching it being done to others by adults in their lives, or being done to themselves, so there is a little room for compassion for someone who does this. But compassion does not equal allowing.)
WHY does it work?!
Why does it work on us, even when we know what's going on?!
Why do we feel the pain of abandonment, when the person doing the abandoning is only doing it for reasons of bullying, and we know it?
It works because we are human beings, and we are supposed to have human connection, it's part of our make-up. Abandonment causes pain just like anything else causes pain, no matter who is doing it, or why. If we burn ourselves on the stove, it hurts just the same as if we burn ourselves at a campfire. Certain things hurt, regardless of how they happened.
When someone does something to cause us pain on purpose, then there is the added pain of that, of being purposely hurt by someone we cared about. If we get kicked accidentally in a soccer game, it hurts physically, but if we get kicked by someone on purpose, there is naturally more feeling attached to the basic pain from the kick.
Our brain goes on automatic alert when someone uses abandonment and ostracism as a bully tactic. Our brain is our security system, and it knows much more about human behavior than we do consciously. When we are abandoned or ostracized, if our brains are in working order, it switches focus to protection of the self, and to figuring out what's going on.
Protection of the self is the brain's highest priority, and it already knows many possible reasons why a person would be abandoned, and what the many possible dangers could be.
When we are abandoned, our brain goes on alert because it knows we have just lost an apparent ally. Allies protect us from danger, whether we live in a city surrounded by potential criminals, or in the outback wilderness surrounded by potential predators. Allies rescue us FROM danger as well. Allies also help us out of day to day problems, as we do for them, and give us a feeling of security, just by being available in case something should happen.
Other people being aware that we HAVE allies keeps gossip, slander, and sabotage at bay, much, much more than most people realize. When others see a person as belonging to a group of allies, they are much more likely to treat them with respect, because they see the person not just as one sole social reject, vulnerable and easy prey... but as one of many, one of a crowd who will protect that person.
The kid who sat alone at lunch was the kid who was picked on, BY the kids who traveled in packs. The woman at the bar alone is the one who gets stared at, and the one a predatory jerk will approach first. Two parents are treated with more respect by school staff than a single parent. Politicians surround themselves with VISIBLE "allies" purposely, so the world sees them as "likeable" and "respected". Celebrity "image makers" create facades of having a larger fan base than they really do in order to get attention and respect from onlookers. Business people even often create facades of having more people working for them. Lots of businesses are named things like "Two Brothers" or "Five Guys" or "Merry Maids" or "H&R Block" or "McKinney & Son", all implying that there are more than one. A group, a concordance, an ALLIANCE. You can "buy" friends on MySpace and other social networks to make you look more popular, if that didn't matter then no one would do it, never mind pay for it. If you look up law practices, you will find hundreds of firms listing multiple partners as the "name" of their practice. Even medical professionals have taken up the habit of practicing WITH allies, other doctors, veterinarians, and psychologists.
EVERYTHING is easier and better if one has ALLIES, and if the world SEES YOU as having ALLIES.
Nearly every human brain is subconsciously aware of this fact, because that's how we evolved. We are group animals, and our subconscious instincts compel us to live within the safety of a group.
SO, abusers USE this natural, normal compulsion to belong and to keep connections we have made as a weapon AGAINST other people, to keep them in control.
This is also a big reason why so many people treat "Free Spirits" and "Free Thinkers" like they're crazy, rogue, or loose cannons; they are upset and frightened by a member of the larger group who seems to be unafraid of losing their status of Belonging by not conforming to whatever the current Status Quo is.
ALSO~ Allies are our friends; they make the connections with us that make good times happen. We are subconsciously aware of this, even if we don't think about it consciously. When we feel the sting of abandonment, we also automatically feel the pain of loss. The loss of a friend. Even when the person was abusive more often than not, the good times registered as "Friend" in our subconscious.
And... when someone is using abandonment to punish us, our brains are also aware that this person is not trustworthy or loyal, and has the definite potential of actively trying to get OTHER people to abandon us as well. This is a real FEAR that can be triggered in our brains, because group/social animals like us are in immediate danger when we are left alone in the wilderness. To understand this, we can picture ourselves as a member of a small tribe, not all that long ago. If our tribe abandons us, exiles us, we literally are alone in the wilderness, surrounded by predators, all kinds of biting insects and parasites, and exposed to the elements. Humans don't have fur, so exposure is a real problem for us. Abruptly having to survive on our own means actual imminent danger for any human, even the "toughest". We have to find our own food every day, cover ourselves every day, sleep (how, where, without getting bitten or attacked?), keep warm every day, drink fresh and uncontaminated water every day. We have to make our own fire, and keep it burning, all by ourselves. All this, and no one to help, no one to watch our backs, no one to talk to.
Our brain is also aware, even if we are not, even if we refuse to admit it, that this kind of total abandonment happens even in the most sophisticated cities, in the wealthiest countries. It can, in fact, happen to anyone. Even if we don't believe it consciously, our subconscious knows that it's possible.
So, even when the person who is using abandonment as a weapon is someone we thought we didn't want to deal with anymore, our subconscious feels the sting, the loss, and the automated fear response. That's why it hurts, and that's why it works on us, even when we're aware of what is really happening. The good news is, the more awareness we have, the less it will work on us, and the easier it will be to recover from the effects.
~~~ An important sidenote regarding the perception of abandonment~ those of us human beings with certain emotional dysregulation "disorders", can perceive that someone is abandoning us, when they are actually not; we really need to spend time taking apart what the other person is actually doing. Sometimes we feel like we are being abandoned by people who are behaving perfectly normally, often due to things that have happened to us in the past. For example, going to work is not abandonment, spending time with other friends sometimes is not abandonment; needing space to work on something is not abandonment. Not wanting to eat at a certain time, or food that was prepared, is not abandonment. Turning down an invitation occasionally is not abandonment. Having to go do other things is not abandonment, being on the phone with other people is not abandonment. Having success in one's career or aspiration is not abandonment either.
We can figure out what abandonment is and what it is not, with a few tools we can learn to use, and calm information gathering.
ALSO, upholding one's healthy boundaries against abusive, inconsiderate, deceitful, demanding, demeaning or controlling language and behavior is not abandonment.
The following links may help to find ways to understand what abandonment is and what it's not, and why we may not know the difference. A good therapist, counselor, or healer can also help in sorting this out.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm
http://www.ehow.com/how_8648917_handle-abandonment-issues.html
http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html
by M.M.Black
Control And Judging Others
When someone with Control Issues sees a person acting confidently, they often assess the person in their mind to be "someone to follow", "someone to engulf", "someone to dominate", "someone to shut out", or "someone to shut down".
They don't seem to know that they are not entitled to do any of these things to others. A lack of awareness of boundaries, of their own and of others, is a common denominator.
Since the Controller personality believes their own assessments of others right from the get-go, based on very limited "parameters" and very little information, they often act immediately on their assessments.
This is why bullies pick on certain kids, and often end up getting their teeth knocked out. Their assessment of the other kid was incorrect, because their confidence in their assessment of others is much, much higher than their actual skill.
They don't seem to know that they are not entitled to do any of these things to others. A lack of awareness of boundaries, of their own and of others, is a common denominator.
Since the Controller personality believes their own assessments of others right from the get-go, based on very limited "parameters" and very little information, they often act immediately on their assessments.
This is why bullies pick on certain kids, and often end up getting their teeth knocked out. Their assessment of the other kid was incorrect, because their confidence in their assessment of others is much, much higher than their actual skill.
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
There are those in our lives that we often wish could know the way we truly see them in our hearts.
They seem to behave in such a way that shows they think us naive, or dull, or dimwitted, to see them as such brightly shining lights.
They seem to feel annoyed that we are not fixated on the dark armor they try to cover their light with.
They don't understand, I suppose, that their light is not of their own making, and the armor and weaponry they keep wielding can not cover it up, or put it out.
They also must not understand that their light is infinitely more powerful than any darkness, and has the power to burn away the pain and heartbreak if only they would stop kicking dirt on it, and wearing armor to blot it out.
They must not understand basic physics either. When we shine on and share our light with the light of others, and help them to shine, and protect them from dirt-kickers, we shine brighter and brighter ourselves, and the whole life we are living in gets brighter, and warmer, and brighter still.
(In a parallel circuit, more power is provided to the lights. Power = V2/R . The resultant resistance of the circuit is lower, and the potential difference is not divided as in a circuit in series. Thus, lights in parallel burn brighter.)
We often wish they could see themselves through our eyes, perhaps they would see that it is safe to take off their armor, put down their weapons, and shine with us.
They seem to behave in such a way that shows they think us naive, or dull, or dimwitted, to see them as such brightly shining lights.
They seem to feel annoyed that we are not fixated on the dark armor they try to cover their light with.
They don't understand, I suppose, that their light is not of their own making, and the armor and weaponry they keep wielding can not cover it up, or put it out.
They also must not understand that their light is infinitely more powerful than any darkness, and has the power to burn away the pain and heartbreak if only they would stop kicking dirt on it, and wearing armor to blot it out.
They must not understand basic physics either. When we shine on and share our light with the light of others, and help them to shine, and protect them from dirt-kickers, we shine brighter and brighter ourselves, and the whole life we are living in gets brighter, and warmer, and brighter still.(In a parallel circuit, more power is provided to the lights. Power = V2/R . The resultant resistance of the circuit is lower, and the potential difference is not divided as in a circuit in series. Thus, lights in parallel burn brighter.)
We often wish they could see themselves through our eyes, perhaps they would see that it is safe to take off their armor, put down their weapons, and shine with us.
Angry Arrogance; Happy Humility
Arrogance argues when it doesn't understand.
Humility listens longer, eager to learn what it was missing.
Relationship Conflict
Our relationships can be a source of great
joy, fulfillment, and support, or they can cause terrible pain and
become major obstacles in our lives. We tend to get caught up in the
swirling emotions whether they seem positive or negative, and whether we
are male or female, or young, old, or middle-aged. Most of us seem to
believe we are much more logical, aware, and rational, and much less
emotional and reactionary than we really
are, to boot. We all seem to think that we are the ones who are right,
innocent, and justified, and that we are the ones who deserve better
treatment, more consideration, and more attention.
What if one day we suddenly stopped trying to get more FROM others for ourselves? What if we could step out of time and space, and look at our relationships from the outside, like a scientist looking in from an observation window?
We can do that to a reasonable extent, if we have as much emotional and mental stability and logic as we seem to think we do.
We can ask ourselves certain questions about our own true intentions and motivations. We can ask ourselves questions about actual events, and about our behavior and words.
We can also ask ourselves about what the other person actually did, and what they really said.
We can ask ourselves if we honestly know all the "facts", or if we just assumed much of them (we humans usually assume much more than we actually know).
What we can NOT know is how the other person really felt, or what their intentions really were. We can NOT know WHY they did something, or did not do something. We can NOT know about their own feelings or thoughts unless they tell us out loud, directly, and THEY can NOT know what our feelings or thoughts are either, unless we TELL them directly.
Things to ask yourself when your relationship is in conflict:
1. What exactly was happening before the most recent conflict in my own life? Was I upset about anything else, anything else AT ALL, before the conflict happened?
2. Was the other person dealing with something else that may have upset them, anything AT ALL?
3. What was my real, true emotion? What was the very first feeling that I felt?
4. What were the actual events that transpired? Did I ask calmly and respectfully for more information, or did I jump to react to my emotion instead?
4. What am I really, actually trying to accomplish with this conflict? What goal do I have in mind? What is it that I'm trying to make happen?
(There is always a goal and a motivation, sometimes it just takes a moment of focus to see it in our own mind.)
5. Which person honestly began the conflict?
Which person turned their focus from information to emotion? From straightforwardness to deceit? From calm clarifying to assumption? From cooperation to control? From sharing points of view to domination? From action to reaction? From respect to disrespect?
From friendship to fault-finding, blaming, and shaming?
6. If someone I admire had done to me exactly what I had done, would I truly and honestly have not felt hurt or betrayed? Can I really say that?
7. If I was the one who did something deceitful, provoking, controlling, or hurtful, what exactly was my real motivation behind it?
8. Why would I be looking to hurt or deceive a person with whom I choose to be in contact with? Am I trying to prove something to myself? To them? To others? What?
9. If I feel compelled to do disrespectful or hostile things toward another person, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? Is it right, noble, or good? If it's not, how have I come to this low point?
10. If someone is doing hostile and disrespectful things toward ME, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? What is my motivation?
11. What have I honestly done to contribute to this person's well-being and improvement of their life and happiness? How often do I go out of my way to put their well-being and happiness above my own?
12. How far have I gone to prove that I was right and they were wrong? Did I have their well-being in mind when I was doing that?
13. Do I seriously believe it's okay to speak to them with aggression, hostility, and abusive language or physical displays? Why would I do that to another person?
14. Do I willingly and happily seek ways that I may have been wrong, or mistaken?
15. Is my real goal to restore peace, good will, and happiness for BOTH, not just for myself? Or am I just seeking a rush-feeling of vindication, retaliation, and triumph over another person?
16. Do I actually listen to the other person's point of view, or do I just believe I'm Sherlock Holmes and think I know everything about the other person's actions and motives without even trying to find out?
17. How do I react when the other person calmly asks me questions? Do I perceive any and all questions as accusations and attacks? (If so, I'm hiding something; what is it?)
18. Do I feel innately superior to this person, but I don't want them to figure it out so I can keep manipulating them?
19. What is my true intention with this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I really want to be the controlling person in this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I don't want to be committed or loyal to this person?
Might I have resentment toward this person that I didn't address?
Does this person remind me on some level of someone else, either someone I resent, or someone I admire?
Am I afraid of this person?
Am I using this person for loneliness relief?
Could I be using this person as a gopher, a sidekick, a little sister or brother, a work-horse, a crutch, a shield, a magnet?
Am I envious or jealous of this person; their charisma, their money, their looks, their family, their success, their intelligence, their talent, their possessions, their happiness, their friends?
Is there real truth in my heart, mind and soul that I have this person's well-being as my priority? Or is that really just something I tell them, and tell myself?
20. How much effort am I willing to put into this relationship, and do I expect the other person to contribute more than I do?
Do I honestly see one of us as more important than the other?
Do I really believe the other person is less capable than I am of contributing equally to the relationship?
Do I seriously feel entitled to receive more than I contribute?
WHY, on all counts?
21. How would the other person feel about my answers to these questions? How do I feel about my answers?
~If you have read through and answered all the way to the end, congratulations, and you may be well on your way to better boundaries, and better relationships. Conflict resolution skills are one of the keys to good relationships between human beings, and those skills are useless if we are not using them inside the realm of honesty. Honesty with ourselves, and honesty with others. If someone is not being honest with us, it is our responsibility to ourselves to strengthen our boundaries and remain aware and alert. And we need to keep in mind that hostility is not necessary in a healthy environment, ever, but truly caring about the well-being of all, for real, is absolutely essential.
We don't have the "right" to lash out at another when we feel pain, fear, or betrayal. But we do have the right to ask for more information, in order to clarify events, thoughts, and feelings. And we should always ask ourselves all of these things as well.
What if one day we suddenly stopped trying to get more FROM others for ourselves? What if we could step out of time and space, and look at our relationships from the outside, like a scientist looking in from an observation window?
We can do that to a reasonable extent, if we have as much emotional and mental stability and logic as we seem to think we do.
We can ask ourselves certain questions about our own true intentions and motivations. We can ask ourselves questions about actual events, and about our behavior and words.
We can also ask ourselves about what the other person actually did, and what they really said.
We can ask ourselves if we honestly know all the "facts", or if we just assumed much of them (we humans usually assume much more than we actually know).
What we can NOT know is how the other person really felt, or what their intentions really were. We can NOT know WHY they did something, or did not do something. We can NOT know about their own feelings or thoughts unless they tell us out loud, directly, and THEY can NOT know what our feelings or thoughts are either, unless we TELL them directly.
Things to ask yourself when your relationship is in conflict:
1. What exactly was happening before the most recent conflict in my own life? Was I upset about anything else, anything else AT ALL, before the conflict happened?
2. Was the other person dealing with something else that may have upset them, anything AT ALL?
3. What was my real, true emotion? What was the very first feeling that I felt?
4. What were the actual events that transpired? Did I ask calmly and respectfully for more information, or did I jump to react to my emotion instead?
4. What am I really, actually trying to accomplish with this conflict? What goal do I have in mind? What is it that I'm trying to make happen?
(There is always a goal and a motivation, sometimes it just takes a moment of focus to see it in our own mind.)
5. Which person honestly began the conflict?
Which person turned their focus from information to emotion? From straightforwardness to deceit? From calm clarifying to assumption? From cooperation to control? From sharing points of view to domination? From action to reaction? From respect to disrespect?
From friendship to fault-finding, blaming, and shaming?
6. If someone I admire had done to me exactly what I had done, would I truly and honestly have not felt hurt or betrayed? Can I really say that?
7. If I was the one who did something deceitful, provoking, controlling, or hurtful, what exactly was my real motivation behind it?
8. Why would I be looking to hurt or deceive a person with whom I choose to be in contact with? Am I trying to prove something to myself? To them? To others? What?
9. If I feel compelled to do disrespectful or hostile things toward another person, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? Is it right, noble, or good? If it's not, how have I come to this low point?
10. If someone is doing hostile and disrespectful things toward ME, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? What is my motivation?
11. What have I honestly done to contribute to this person's well-being and improvement of their life and happiness? How often do I go out of my way to put their well-being and happiness above my own?
12. How far have I gone to prove that I was right and they were wrong? Did I have their well-being in mind when I was doing that?
13. Do I seriously believe it's okay to speak to them with aggression, hostility, and abusive language or physical displays? Why would I do that to another person?
14. Do I willingly and happily seek ways that I may have been wrong, or mistaken?
15. Is my real goal to restore peace, good will, and happiness for BOTH, not just for myself? Or am I just seeking a rush-feeling of vindication, retaliation, and triumph over another person?
16. Do I actually listen to the other person's point of view, or do I just believe I'm Sherlock Holmes and think I know everything about the other person's actions and motives without even trying to find out?
17. How do I react when the other person calmly asks me questions? Do I perceive any and all questions as accusations and attacks? (If so, I'm hiding something; what is it?)
18. Do I feel innately superior to this person, but I don't want them to figure it out so I can keep manipulating them?
19. What is my true intention with this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I really want to be the controlling person in this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I don't want to be committed or loyal to this person?
Might I have resentment toward this person that I didn't address?
Does this person remind me on some level of someone else, either someone I resent, or someone I admire?
Am I afraid of this person?
Am I using this person for loneliness relief?
Could I be using this person as a gopher, a sidekick, a little sister or brother, a work-horse, a crutch, a shield, a magnet?
Am I envious or jealous of this person; their charisma, their money, their looks, their family, their success, their intelligence, their talent, their possessions, their happiness, their friends?
Is there real truth in my heart, mind and soul that I have this person's well-being as my priority? Or is that really just something I tell them, and tell myself?
20. How much effort am I willing to put into this relationship, and do I expect the other person to contribute more than I do?
Do I honestly see one of us as more important than the other?
Do I really believe the other person is less capable than I am of contributing equally to the relationship?
Do I seriously feel entitled to receive more than I contribute?
WHY, on all counts?
21. How would the other person feel about my answers to these questions? How do I feel about my answers?
~If you have read through and answered all the way to the end, congratulations, and you may be well on your way to better boundaries, and better relationships. Conflict resolution skills are one of the keys to good relationships between human beings, and those skills are useless if we are not using them inside the realm of honesty. Honesty with ourselves, and honesty with others. If someone is not being honest with us, it is our responsibility to ourselves to strengthen our boundaries and remain aware and alert. And we need to keep in mind that hostility is not necessary in a healthy environment, ever, but truly caring about the well-being of all, for real, is absolutely essential.
We don't have the "right" to lash out at another when we feel pain, fear, or betrayal. But we do have the right to ask for more information, in order to clarify events, thoughts, and feelings. And we should always ask ourselves all of these things as well.
Don't Dim Your Light
"Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire."
~S. Sonnon
"Why are you even wasting your time with this hobby? It's not like you're ever going to become a champion. You don't even have enough money to get a real teacher. You're not going to figure it out on your own reading books and practicing by yourself. And let's be honest: you're not the most genetically gifted person. Shouldn't you just accept what you're really capable of and make the best out of the hand you've been dealt?"
"The words of a former close friend burned deeply, as I stood at my beginning. In his mind, he was being a critical realist because he cared. And I truly believe that he did have my best interests in mind. He was wrong to let his fears cloud his words, but he did care.
"Twenty five years later, I'd be voted one of the 6 most influential martial artists of the century for sharing the lessons along my journey to find great teachers, who allowed me to see my true potential in the clear reflection of their lucid waters. If I had never started, if I had given up anywhere along the way, I would not have been able to surround myself with those who would lift me up toward my own dreams, rather than hold me down under their own fears. More importantly, I would not have had the opportunity to let my teachers insights influence so many through my writing and speaking.
"Don't let someone make your sky into a ceiling. Climb and soar. You are only confined by the walls you have been building for yourself. You decide when you've had enough growth, success and abundance. Only you. Don't let others blame your situation on family, friends, genetics, government, enemy, job, boss, skills, money, geography, or condition. Blame darkens. Accountability illuminates. Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire.
"The more, through their choices, others drift from their own truth, or the longer their fears keep them ignorant of it, the more they will hate you for speaking yours; the more they will try to hurt you for doing what they're afraid to do; and the more they'll try to climb over each other, like crabs in a bucket, when they see you escape your self-imposed limitations. Others will broadcast your failures yet whisper your triumphs. Listen to your internal signal, not the external noise.
"Live by choice, not chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated; useful not used. Have self-esteem, not self-pity. Share autonomy through accountability, and freedom through personal responsibility, not confinement by blame and enslavement by self-entitlement. Don't let others ensnare you into wearing the cynical countenance with which they've insulated their perception of their own potential. Emancipate yourself with the courage to go ALL the way absolutely alone, if you must. And everyone will benefit from your example; for the success of one us realizing their dreams, benefits all of us realizing our own.
very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon
www.positiveatmosphere.com
~S. Sonnon
"Why are you even wasting your time with this hobby? It's not like you're ever going to become a champion. You don't even have enough money to get a real teacher. You're not going to figure it out on your own reading books and practicing by yourself. And let's be honest: you're not the most genetically gifted person. Shouldn't you just accept what you're really capable of and make the best out of the hand you've been dealt?"
"The words of a former close friend burned deeply, as I stood at my beginning. In his mind, he was being a critical realist because he cared. And I truly believe that he did have my best interests in mind. He was wrong to let his fears cloud his words, but he did care.
"Twenty five years later, I'd be voted one of the 6 most influential martial artists of the century for sharing the lessons along my journey to find great teachers, who allowed me to see my true potential in the clear reflection of their lucid waters. If I had never started, if I had given up anywhere along the way, I would not have been able to surround myself with those who would lift me up toward my own dreams, rather than hold me down under their own fears. More importantly, I would not have had the opportunity to let my teachers insights influence so many through my writing and speaking.
"Don't let someone make your sky into a ceiling. Climb and soar. You are only confined by the walls you have been building for yourself. You decide when you've had enough growth, success and abundance. Only you. Don't let others blame your situation on family, friends, genetics, government, enemy, job, boss, skills, money, geography, or condition. Blame darkens. Accountability illuminates. Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire.
"The more, through their choices, others drift from their own truth, or the longer their fears keep them ignorant of it, the more they will hate you for speaking yours; the more they will try to hurt you for doing what they're afraid to do; and the more they'll try to climb over each other, like crabs in a bucket, when they see you escape your self-imposed limitations. Others will broadcast your failures yet whisper your triumphs. Listen to your internal signal, not the external noise.
"Live by choice, not chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated; useful not used. Have self-esteem, not self-pity. Share autonomy through accountability, and freedom through personal responsibility, not confinement by blame and enslavement by self-entitlement. Don't let others ensnare you into wearing the cynical countenance with which they've insulated their perception of their own potential. Emancipate yourself with the courage to go ALL the way absolutely alone, if you must. And everyone will benefit from your example; for the success of one us realizing their dreams, benefits all of us realizing our own.
very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon
www.positiveatmosphere.com
Our Self-Awareness
Sharks, crocodiles and insects react to the world according to their feelings.
If they feel hungry, they eat whatever or whoever they find.
If they feel amorous, they mate with whoever is nearby and accessible.
If they feel threatened, they attack or run away, regardless of whether the "threat" is real. There is no remorse or thought about the damage they inflict on others. There is no thought about the other's well-being at all. There is no hesitation, no double-checking. No doubt that their attack is justified or that their perception is accurate. They do not ask questions or wonder if they interpreted the situation correctly. They will turn on the one they were just nesting with or mating with in an instant, with no remorse.
We are not entitled to treat others according to our emotional reactions, unless we have turned in our Sentience status.
We can be self-aware, or we can relinquish that self-awareness and be like sharks, crocodiles and insects, believing everything we say and do is fine just because we felt compelled to do it, paying no attention to the damage we inflict on others, feeling justified in all of our actions and reactions.
When we choose to relinquish our awareness and responsibility of our own actions, and abandon trying to understand where others are coming from, and abandon the purposeful cultivation of our relationships, we are no longer "above" them, and are just as much of a threat to harmonious life as they are.
Hating Happiness: Another Sign Of Narcissism
Another overt sign of Narcissism is a
compulsion to ruin any kind of positivity in a target's life. If a
Narcissist sees their target with a happy face, or hears a happy tone in
their voice, it is a trigger to cause some kind of distraction and
wreck the positive feelings. The only time a Narcissist might not do
that is when they are sure that they are the one who "made" the target
happy. But even then, they still might
react to the trigger. Anything positive at all in a target's life that
can be perceived by the Narcissist can be a trigger for them to insert
themselves and then ruin it. An accomplishment, a financial windfall, a
good job, a new car, a good friendship, a new business connection or
opportunity. Credit, praise or attention from others for something the
target did. If the target might be perceived by others as funny, smart,
talented, or attractive. Even a joke that the target laughs at, a
television show the target enjoys, or a musician that brings the target
inspiration and joy. Even a task that the target has taken on that could
increase the target's self-confidence, even if just for a moment.
Anything at all that the Narcissist believes to be something that will
bring the target positivity in their life, and any time the target
expresses happiness, joy, confidence, or celebration is a trigger.
The Narcissist will often try to SHAME the target for whatever it is, or they will put down whatever it is, or actually try to remove the thing or person from the target's life. Narcissists are driven to cause their target humiliation, self-doubt, anxiety and fear in order to maintain their own feeling of control over the target. They have a hair trigger, and can go from "Happy Happy Joy Joy" to "You ought to be ashamed!!!" in a nanosecond. The effect on the target can range from confusion to serious trauma that can result in mental and emotional illness, including suicidal ideation. And there are plenty of Narcissists who would actually find pleasure in their target committing suicide, since that would bring them all kinds of sympathy and attention, and give them even more reason to gossip about their target to fellow Narcissists. So don't think for a minute that a Narcissist would stop their abusive behavior just because their target feels suicidal.
The Narcissist will often try to SHAME the target for whatever it is, or they will put down whatever it is, or actually try to remove the thing or person from the target's life. Narcissists are driven to cause their target humiliation, self-doubt, anxiety and fear in order to maintain their own feeling of control over the target. They have a hair trigger, and can go from "Happy Happy Joy Joy" to "You ought to be ashamed!!!" in a nanosecond. The effect on the target can range from confusion to serious trauma that can result in mental and emotional illness, including suicidal ideation. And there are plenty of Narcissists who would actually find pleasure in their target committing suicide, since that would bring them all kinds of sympathy and attention, and give them even more reason to gossip about their target to fellow Narcissists. So don't think for a minute that a Narcissist would stop their abusive behavior just because their target feels suicidal.
Too Busy, Too Important; Pride Goeth Before A Fall
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| Adult, Mentoring And Guiding Youths |
The society will fall when they believe themselves too busy to mentor the youth.
It begins with status. When they create a hierarchy among themselves, they will then separate the children by the status they have labeled the parents with. The Lords will refuse to mentor the peasants' children, and the peasants will refuse to mentor the Lords' children. Their disdain for one another will grow to such arrogance that they will no longer have the self-control to keep the children out of their pettiness.
From there, they will then further separate the children by their race. The Lords with dark skin will refuse to mentor the children of the Lords with light skin, and vice versa. And the peasants with light skin will refuse to mentor the children of the peasants with dark skin, and vice versa.
Then in their foolishness, they will separate the children by gender. They will teach, guide, and apprentice only one gender in the trades and skills of the world, and deny their mentoring to the other, to increase even further their illusion of supremacy and inferiority.
Their increasing lust for superiority over others will cause them to separate the children even further, by anything at all that they can find. Hair color, height, body type, eye color, the music they listen to, even the clothes on their back.
They will refuse to mentor, care for, or pay attention to any youth but their own kin. And then, only their own children whom they favor.
At the end, when their arrogance has all but consumed them, they will simply refuse to mentor any youth at all, and insist that it is because they do not have the time or the resources. When the youth have no mentors, no steady guiding hands or voices, and no one to have their backs in the world because the adults have decided that mentoring is a burden, those will be the last days.
Ego: Healthy vs. Unhealthy
Identity is the natural seat of the ego. When the ego is injured in some way it becomes inflamed, like an injury to the skin will. A healthy ego develops and learns over time, and does the essential job of self-protection, self-awareness, and self-care. But when a healthy ego sustains repeated injury in childhood and is not allowed to heal (often due to the same neglect and/or abuse that injured it in the first place), it remains wounded and painful. The child grows up anyway, but has to compensate for the wounds with defensive behavior. A "swollen" identity can develop as a defense-mechanism, instead of a healthy identity.
Instead of the person identifying themselves internally as a "human being" just like everyone else, they can take on an outer identity. They use it like a shield, and protect it with social (or literal) weaponry.
The person who has a healthy identity of "human being" can learn and develop many skills, and still retain their identity of their original "ME". That original "ME" grows, learns, and develops, but does not change into an external identity.
In other words, Ben is still Ben whether he learns to paint houses, do accounting, pass the bar exam, or play the flute, because his ego is healthy. He does not change his identity into an image he has in his head of "House Painter", or "Accountant", "Lawyer", or "Floutist". He does not take on the personality traits or beliefs of other people in those fields. He remains "Ben", regardless of the people he's around.
If Ben's ego was not healthy, his inner identity of "self" would seek outside help to create an image to present to the world. This image would be used to protect Joe from the hostility in the world, and also serve as a "brand" or a "sign" that Ben can stand behind.
(Big business uses this tactic every day, from band-aids to celebrity images).
So Ben with the unhealthy ego may create an image/identity for himself as "Housepainter", and "Man", or "Man" first and "Housepainter" second, or he may combine the two. When he does this, he has to take on the traits that other people identify as "Man" or "Housepainter". This means he can lose his own real identity in the chaos of trying to turn himself into something that's not naturally "Ben". He's no longer "Ben" who happens to be a man and paints houses, he is "Ben The Manly Housepainter", which may sound "cool", but being trapped inside a created identity is truly a trap. "Ben The Manly Housepainter" must remain inside that identity and never show anything else if he does not want to be rejected by those who have bought into the image. (If there was no one who callously and abusively rejected Ben in the first place through the years, he would not have felt the need to develop this external identity in order to protect himself.)
When Ben has taken on an external identity, he then becomes competitive with others whom he perceives as having a similar image-identity. So he feels threatened by Dave, who's "Man" image has more "Man" traits then Ben's. Ben does not like Dave for this reason alone, not because Dave has ever done anything wrong to him. Joe feels threatened by the fear that OTHER PEOPLE will see Dave as more of a "Man". It doesn't matter if Dave is creating this image purposely, like Ben is doing, or if he has a healthier ego and simply shows his real "self". Ben will feel threatened either way, and in fact will probably feel more threatened if he perceives that Dave is just being himself.
Ben with the unhealthy ego, with the external identities of "Man" and "Housepainter" is also threatened by Sally with the healthy ego, who also paints houses. Sally is a kind, warm, intelligent person, but Ben "can't stand her". He blames her for his feelings, he says she is a Know It All, that she's a bitch, that she complains all the time, and that she thinks she's better than everyone.
Reality is that Ben has identified "Housepainter" and "Man" together, and part of his identity as "Man" is also "NOT WOMAN". Sally being able to paint houses derails the identity he has created for himself.
Ben has bought into a pre-adolescent stage that supposes that "boys know more than girls about certain things automatically"; because of his ego being wounded around that stage of development in his life. He is stuck there, and he doesn't know it. So when he developed his external identity as "Man" for the world to see him as, he incorporated that child's belief as well. When he met Sally, he was immediately struck by a feeling of threat; if this woman could paint houses just like he can, then that ruins the whole "Man/Housepainter" identity, and it feels like his own identity is being attacked. Which of course, it isn't, his real "self", the original "Ben", is underneath and behind this constructed "Man/Housepainter" identity. But he doesn't realize this, and blames Sally for his feelings of being attacked.
Ben condescends and challenges Sally every chance he gets; he is trying to bully her enough to make her either go away, or give up painting houses. He talks at her, through her, and over her to other people on the project; he treats her like a child who is in the way, and sabotages her work, and tries to sabotage any friendships she seems to have as well as her reputation. He is trying to prove to himself, to Sally, and to everyone else (especially everyone else) that he is superior to her, that he is a REAL Housepainter and she's not, and trying desperately to reassert his identity as "Man-Housepainter" to everyone around them. (Sally, in the meantime, is just trying to do her job and make a living, while having to defend herself against Ben's drama at every turn.) If Ben with the HEALTHY ego, who paints houses, showed up, he would be pleased to meet a kindred spirit who was also good at housepainting, and would not even think to condescend at all, but would want to share experiences, stories, and tips and tricks of the trade with Sally. He would not feel anything at all about Sally being a woman and painting houses, except maybe a breath of fresh air, since he does not know very many female house painters. He would get to know Sally as a warm, friendly, intelligent person, and probably become friends with her.
Instead of the person identifying themselves internally as a "human being" just like everyone else, they can take on an outer identity. They use it like a shield, and protect it with social (or literal) weaponry.
The person who has a healthy identity of "human being" can learn and develop many skills, and still retain their identity of their original "ME". That original "ME" grows, learns, and develops, but does not change into an external identity.
In other words, Ben is still Ben whether he learns to paint houses, do accounting, pass the bar exam, or play the flute, because his ego is healthy. He does not change his identity into an image he has in his head of "House Painter", or "Accountant", "Lawyer", or "Floutist". He does not take on the personality traits or beliefs of other people in those fields. He remains "Ben", regardless of the people he's around.
If Ben's ego was not healthy, his inner identity of "self" would seek outside help to create an image to present to the world. This image would be used to protect Joe from the hostility in the world, and also serve as a "brand" or a "sign" that Ben can stand behind.
(Big business uses this tactic every day, from band-aids to celebrity images).
So Ben with the unhealthy ego may create an image/identity for himself as "Housepainter", and "Man", or "Man" first and "Housepainter" second, or he may combine the two. When he does this, he has to take on the traits that other people identify as "Man" or "Housepainter". This means he can lose his own real identity in the chaos of trying to turn himself into something that's not naturally "Ben". He's no longer "Ben" who happens to be a man and paints houses, he is "Ben The Manly Housepainter", which may sound "cool", but being trapped inside a created identity is truly a trap. "Ben The Manly Housepainter" must remain inside that identity and never show anything else if he does not want to be rejected by those who have bought into the image. (If there was no one who callously and abusively rejected Ben in the first place through the years, he would not have felt the need to develop this external identity in order to protect himself.)
When Ben has taken on an external identity, he then becomes competitive with others whom he perceives as having a similar image-identity. So he feels threatened by Dave, who's "Man" image has more "Man" traits then Ben's. Ben does not like Dave for this reason alone, not because Dave has ever done anything wrong to him. Joe feels threatened by the fear that OTHER PEOPLE will see Dave as more of a "Man". It doesn't matter if Dave is creating this image purposely, like Ben is doing, or if he has a healthier ego and simply shows his real "self". Ben will feel threatened either way, and in fact will probably feel more threatened if he perceives that Dave is just being himself.
Ben with the unhealthy ego, with the external identities of "Man" and "Housepainter" is also threatened by Sally with the healthy ego, who also paints houses. Sally is a kind, warm, intelligent person, but Ben "can't stand her". He blames her for his feelings, he says she is a Know It All, that she's a bitch, that she complains all the time, and that she thinks she's better than everyone.
Reality is that Ben has identified "Housepainter" and "Man" together, and part of his identity as "Man" is also "NOT WOMAN". Sally being able to paint houses derails the identity he has created for himself.
Ben has bought into a pre-adolescent stage that supposes that "boys know more than girls about certain things automatically"; because of his ego being wounded around that stage of development in his life. He is stuck there, and he doesn't know it. So when he developed his external identity as "Man" for the world to see him as, he incorporated that child's belief as well. When he met Sally, he was immediately struck by a feeling of threat; if this woman could paint houses just like he can, then that ruins the whole "Man/Housepainter" identity, and it feels like his own identity is being attacked. Which of course, it isn't, his real "self", the original "Ben", is underneath and behind this constructed "Man/Housepainter" identity. But he doesn't realize this, and blames Sally for his feelings of being attacked.
Ben condescends and challenges Sally every chance he gets; he is trying to bully her enough to make her either go away, or give up painting houses. He talks at her, through her, and over her to other people on the project; he treats her like a child who is in the way, and sabotages her work, and tries to sabotage any friendships she seems to have as well as her reputation. He is trying to prove to himself, to Sally, and to everyone else (especially everyone else) that he is superior to her, that he is a REAL Housepainter and she's not, and trying desperately to reassert his identity as "Man-Housepainter" to everyone around them. (Sally, in the meantime, is just trying to do her job and make a living, while having to defend herself against Ben's drama at every turn.) If Ben with the HEALTHY ego, who paints houses, showed up, he would be pleased to meet a kindred spirit who was also good at housepainting, and would not even think to condescend at all, but would want to share experiences, stories, and tips and tricks of the trade with Sally. He would not feel anything at all about Sally being a woman and painting houses, except maybe a breath of fresh air, since he does not know very many female house painters. He would get to know Sally as a warm, friendly, intelligent person, and probably become friends with her.
Partner Is Jealous And Possessive But Flirts
Number one obvious Controller trait: A
"partner" who is openly jealous of anyone their partner speaks to of the
opposite sex, even to the point of anger and drama, but has zero regard
for their partner's feelings about people of the opposite sex that they
associate with.
~ If you're a woman, you can't be friends with "hot guys", (men your partner thinks are "eligible", that is, regardless of your own opinion), even if you've known the guy your whole life. (If you're a man, just reverse all the genders in this post, the basic behavior is pretty much the same, with variations according to the individual.) Your Controller partner has no qualms about making false accusations about your relationships, about humiliating you, about demanding that you sever your most platonic friendships. But he has absolutely no tolerance for ANY expression of insecurity from YOU, and even if you calmly ask a question about a female associate (normal information gathering, part of a healthy relationship), he becomes angry, and accuses you of acting like a control freak or like you're "out of line". He associates with all kinds of women, regardless of how they behave toward him, and regardless of how they treat YOU. The more physically attractive, the better.
The only things that might cross his mind about you, when it comes to these other women, might be satisfaction that you might feel jealous, or that he's acquired a new female who's "hotter than you".
In fact, if the partner is a Narcissist, he might LIKE it when a beautiful woman pays attention to HIM, and disrespects YOU. That woman will probably be at the top of his list. You'll notice he doesn't care if these women treat you, or your couplehood, with any respect at all. (To a Narcissist, there is no "relationship", there's just steps on a ladder to "hottest chick in the world", whom he will never find, since any new woman is always "hotter" than the last, until he gets used to her, then she'll be old news too~ but he doesn't understand this about his own mind). By the time this behavior is showing itself, he's already devalued you, and likes it when other people devalue you along with him.
(Thank you B.D. for your comment )
~ If you're a woman, you can't be friends with "hot guys", (men your partner thinks are "eligible", that is, regardless of your own opinion), even if you've known the guy your whole life. (If you're a man, just reverse all the genders in this post, the basic behavior is pretty much the same, with variations according to the individual.) Your Controller partner has no qualms about making false accusations about your relationships, about humiliating you, about demanding that you sever your most platonic friendships. But he has absolutely no tolerance for ANY expression of insecurity from YOU, and even if you calmly ask a question about a female associate (normal information gathering, part of a healthy relationship), he becomes angry, and accuses you of acting like a control freak or like you're "out of line". He associates with all kinds of women, regardless of how they behave toward him, and regardless of how they treat YOU. The more physically attractive, the better.
The only things that might cross his mind about you, when it comes to these other women, might be satisfaction that you might feel jealous, or that he's acquired a new female who's "hotter than you".
In fact, if the partner is a Narcissist, he might LIKE it when a beautiful woman pays attention to HIM, and disrespects YOU. That woman will probably be at the top of his list. You'll notice he doesn't care if these women treat you, or your couplehood, with any respect at all. (To a Narcissist, there is no "relationship", there's just steps on a ladder to "hottest chick in the world", whom he will never find, since any new woman is always "hotter" than the last, until he gets used to her, then she'll be old news too~ but he doesn't understand this about his own mind). By the time this behavior is showing itself, he's already devalued you, and likes it when other people devalue you along with him.
(Thank you B.D. for your comment )
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