You're Not "Up" At Bat 24/7

The person who counters habitually are like baseball players who always put themselves in the batter's box. Any ball thrown at them they will hit. They consider it a victory when they get a hit. They might even be TRYING to hit the person who "threw" it, like that's part of the game. They will NOT put that bat down and pick up a glove, and CATCH the ball, unless it's the coach throwing it, or one of their "heroes". So, they NEVER EVER know what any of the balls actually LOOKS LIKE. They assume all the balls thrown at them are the same, and not worth looking at; they're just baseballs. The only ball they will CATCH, and therefore LOOK AT, are those thrown by anyone they consider "superior". Most of the other players get sick of their obsession with being in the batter's box and hitting any ball they throw. This person refuses to actually PLAY BASEBALL, they want to just do what THEY want to do.

They aren't playing  Baseball if they refuse to catch a ball unless the coach or one of their heroes throws it.

To get past this habit of countering, one must consciously learn to catch, and stop hitting and blocking. Actually listening when someone expresses their point of view is like catching the ball, and looking at it. Examine it, ask questions about it, don't just assume all is KNOWN about this baseball. LOOK AT IT. ASK ABOUT IT. TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. What is it made of, where did it come from, why did the person choose this particular baseball? What does this brand use for stitching? For fill? What's that gouge from? What does the person who threw it know about this ball, what is their personal experience?

Obviously the ball represents the other person's point of view, observation, or expression. Hitting the ball when it is thrown represents arguing, countering, and opposing when the other person speaks or writes, or expresses something. Catching the ball represents taking the time and the small effort to actually hear what they are saying, read what they wrote, contemplate what they expressed, and not react to it with an automatic "counter attack". Then, after really comprehending what the person said, after really looking at and feeling the ball, it's thrown back to the person. The actual game of Baseball, and real communication, begins when the ball is tossed back, gracefully, so the other person can catch it. Throwing the ball back to the person represents respectful reciprocal communication, when the point of view or expression is reflected back to them, showing that the other consciously understands what they were saying. This is called "feedback", and respectful, courteous, drama free feedback is essential to any kind of relationship IF it's healthy. "Feedback" is not criticism, it's not countering, it's not opposition. It's hearing, seeing, trying to understand, and telling it back to the person. "I think what you are saying is such and such. I see what you mean. Am I correct in interpreting what you're saying? Can you explain more?"

When we play Ball, we play catch, it's how we learn to catch and throw. When we build friendships and partnerships, we play catch with our points of view, it's how we learn to communicate effectively, share ideas, help one another, and have a good time. If I am picking up a bat every time my friend picks up a ball, BECAUSE they pick up a ball, I am going to drive them nuts in a very small amount of time, and they're going to get sick of it pretty quickly. They aren't going to be impressed by my batting skills, they aren't going to think I'm tough or smart, they're just going to get bored and feel lonely because I'm refusing to be a good sport and actually play WITH them. I'm obviously only interested in hogging the batter's box, and playing AGAINST them. Boring, tedious, and frustrating; it shows I have little respect for them and no interest in real companionship.

We are just acting ignorant and arrogant when we always assume that the details we don't know are not worth finding out about. When we just debate everything another person says, and assume we already know what they're thinking, feeling, and doing, we insert drama where it doesn't need to be. Information and detail seeking, without emotional insertion and domination, is only for the strong and intelligent. The arrogant and weak can't do it.  (If you think you already know everything, you aren't going to try to find out more...) Those who don't have these issues make much better friends, and much better baseball players. It's pretty boring and aggravating to go to the field with someone who only wants to hit every ball you throw, and won't pick up a glove and play catch.

What Is Normal? People Who Chew With Their Mouths Open

Because of the heavy use of shame and fear they witnessed or experienced in their childhoods, many people will see that in others where it doesn't exist. 
If, for example, the "silent treatment" was often used in their family, either against them or against someone else, they can believe its something that EVERYONE does. If other families around them did it too, their belief that it's "just what everyone does" can be reinforced tremendously. So if you don't get back to them because you were busy or could not for some reason, they can assume you were giving them the silent treatment, even if you've never done that once in your life. They won't think to ask you if that's what you were doing, they will assume you were, and believe the assumption, and then probably be angry with you about it. 

This lack of communication goes hand in hand with heavy shame and fear environments. Everything is tinged with emotional reaction, everything everyone does is under scrutiny and suspect, everyone wants the actions of others to be something "bad". They can even get a feeling of power when they suspect someone is doing something "bad", because it makes them feel like one of the "good people", and in heavy shame and fear environments, being one of the "good people" is very important, because it takes one out of the line of fire (shame and fear) for the time being.
 
No one in the group realizes how dramatic it all is because they don't know what it's like to live without heavy drama and control.

Whatever we grew up with, we all think "everyone does that" or "everyone is like that", until we FIND OUT differently. Those who have never lived or worked outside of the region where they grew up are more susceptible to this belief habit, for obvious reasons. If they grew up around ancestry and family, even more so. If everyone chews their food with their mouths hanging open in the area, those who grew up around that will think it's perfectly "normal" and not bad manners. The couple of people in the area who chew with their mouths closed are the ones who will be called "weird" by everyone else, and will not be taken seriously. And so it is with everything else.

Whatever we grew up with in the family or the region, we think is "normal", and is how "everyone is", UNTIL we find out differently, so we don't question it. We often even defend it~ "What do you mean chewing with your mouth open is bad manners?! That's a pompous thing to say, we ALL do that! Who chews with their mouths closed, the Royal Family?"

Or, "Who communicates like that? I shouldn't have to find out what my wife means when she talks, she should say it right the first time!"

Whatever communication skills or life skills we are taught when we grow up, that's all we have. If we aren't open to learning more skills, better ways of relating and communicating, and be open to new information and other points of view, we will just be the same as we were in childhood till the day we die, unfortunately.

Those who close their lives and their minds up around themselves like a box, and defend it as "the way it is", can not grow anymore, like a plant stuck inside a closed terrarium. They stunt themselves in order to protect themselves from having to learn anything new. Those who open the box can keep growing and learning with a limitless potential, they have no ceiling.

Why People Fear Bullies

The real reason most people put up with bullies and domination behavior is because they fear retaliation AFTER they stand up to the person. This is something children learn as they get older. Smaller children don't fear retaliation, so they stand up to other kids, and make noise when they need or want something. As children get older, they discover that when they stand up to a bully, there can be ...consequences to pay later. Either the bully will do something to "get them back", or the bully will get others to gang up on the child and HELP "get them back", or the child will be punished for standing up for him or herself by biased or ignorant adults. Bullies get away with their behavior while they're growing up because they aren't getting punished by the adults around them, obviously. If they aren't getting punished for the initial behavior, they aren't getting punished for the retaliation behavior either. So they keep doing it and doing it, further and further. To protect themselves from the retaliation behavior, people learn to turn away from bullies and let them get away with their crap, rather than stand up to them and risk the retaliation behavior, which is usually much more ridiculous than the initial bullying behavior. Bullies seem to believe they have the "right" to treat others with silly disrespect, and when no one calls them out on it, and everyone just cowtows to them because they fear retaliation from the bully or others around them, they confirm it in their heads that they do indeed possess this right, because they are (for some unknown reason) "better".

Bet Your Bippy

I would bet an honorary Doctorate degree that if six pro. actors, all of whom were previously evaluated psychologically and found to be completely stable, and all of whom were physically different in appearance: height, weight, hair, race, and sex, were admitted into 99.9% of psychiatric hospitals with the same back story changed only to accommodate gender would each be given a different diagnostic assessment, even on the same unit.

I would bet another one that no one will take me up on this bet, and yet another that someone will steal this idea.

Comfort Junkies

Most narcissistic people are really just "Comfort Junkies". They don't want to have to think, or to do something different, or to do something they don't LIKE or MIGHT not like. Talking about a certain thing is uncomfortable, admitting they did something wrong is uncomfortable, changing their schedule or their plans to accommodate or please someone else is uncomfortable. Standing up for someone else is uncomfortable, even standing up for themselves might be uncomfortable. Admitting they don't know something is uncomfortable. Helping someone in distress, empathizing, or helping someone in need is uncomfortable. Giving of themselves or their resources is uncomfortable, risking the "wrath" of someone they're used to catering to is uncomfortable. Trying harder to accomplish a certain goal is uncomfortable. Treating another better would be change and thinking, both of which are uncomfortable. Listening and understanding someone else's point of view instead of talking and arguing is uncomfortable. Trying to let go of an addiction is uncomfortable. So they're not going to do any of those things without kicking and screaming. Their tantrums are more like Linus's meltdowns when someone takes his blanket away. If they would just let him keep his blanket he'd be fine~ the problem is, Linus will never put his blanket down for anything or anyone, no how, no way. So, the blanket (the comfort, whatever that entails to the person) will always win, and any real person will always be put behind the blanket on Linus' priority list.

Positive vs. Negative Language

Great post~

http://work911.com/articles/poslan.htm

Credit Where It Isn't Due

Getting people to do things for them and then taking the credit as if they were the ones who did the work is a common way many people build false confidence. If Mary and John are executives with a very capable secretary/assistant, Mary and John are not actually doing the bulk of the work that causes the stress and anxiety. Their assistant is the one who is making appointments, changing schedules, keeping proper files, keeping things up to date, in order, and easily accessible, remembering things about other people, remembering appointments, etc, etc. Either the assistant or a person who is employed for accounting keeps track of the financial records and accounts receivable and payable.

Someone else is doing the cleaning, someone else is doing the computer maintenance, someone else is doing the bulk of the correspondence. Not Mary or John. If Mary and John did these things themselves, they probably would not be able to handle the actual management job, they would be overwhelmed, drowning in the anxiety of keeping up, organizing, and especially dealing with people directly all day long. Just changing schedules and appointments around and dealing with other people's issues and egos is very draining. They don't have to do all of that tedious and stressful stuff, someone else is doing it for them.

But who is getting, or taking, the credit for doing all of these things, and keeping things running smoothly so Mary and John can do their jobs?

If Mary and John are not narcissists, they give the credit where it's due, and don't take credit for things they did not actually DO. But if they are narcissistic, they will see all these people as "below" them, and less capable than themselves, doing menial tasks that they could do in their sleep if they felt like it, OR they will see those people as OTHER "KINDS" of people who were "born" to do those jobs, and themselves as "born" to be an executive. Narcissists are often missing a cognitive function that relates to cause and effect. They see the secretary as the "kind of person" who is born to be a secretary, and could never be an executive, or anything else for that matter. They see themselves as the top of the heap, and everyone who is performing tasks that they consider "below" them as lower "kinds" of people who are SUPPOSED to be doing those jobs FOR THEM. They take the credit for these jobs getting done as if those people are extensions of themselves, not capable, intelligent, individual human beings who happen to be performing that particular task, and doing it well.

This dynamic can be seen in all kinds of situations, it's definitely not exclusive to big business. It can be seen in any dynamic at all. It does not have to be the owner or manager who is doing this, either, it can be anyone, a coworker, a friend, a family member, a small business owner, a landlord, a neighbor, a doctor, a carpenter, a teacher, a janitor, a lawyer, a secretary, anyone at all can have this behavior and perception. It's not the job that creates narcissistic traits and behaviors (although some jobs can encourage it), it's the person's own perception.

The contractor who takes credit for all his or her subcontractors and employees work, as if he/she was the one performing all of the tasks.
The doctor who takes credit for the nurses' and the staff's work.
The spouse who see the other spouse as nothing more than a support person for his or her own "greatness" in the world, not as a "great" person in their own right and light.
The parent who sees their children as nothing more than reflections of themselves, so they will take credit for their achievements, and berate or cover up their mistakes (which this parent will see as "failure". This parent will also see anything their children do that they don't like, agree with, or understand, as "failure".)
The homeowner who takes credit for any of the work that they hired someone else to do, as if they were the ones who performed the work. "I put a new deck on my house", "I put in new cabinets", "I rewired the house", "I painted the living room" instead of "I had a new deck put on my house" or "I had new cabinets put in" or "I had the house rewired" or "I had the living room painted".
Language is subtle and powerful, and narcissists use it to paint themselves as much more capable than they really are. If a person uses language like this, it doesn't necessarily mean they ARE a "narcissist", they may have picked it up from those around them who speak this way. However, if they squirm and show anxiety or anger when asked a direct question like "How long did it take you to paint it?" that's an indication that they probably are actually a "Narcissist". The non-narcissist answer to that question would be something like "Oh I didn't paint it, I meant I hired someone to do it. It was Maggie Nelson, I have her card, she and her partner Natalie did a great job."

Misery Loves Company

Something a lot of people don't like to talk about~ being Misery-Minded.

Many have the concept backwards; they will call a person who self-reflects and self-examines, who looks analytically at human behavior, and past and present situations and interactions, and talks about it out loud, as "dwelling in negativity".

Actually, a person who wants to prevent future problems is the one who is looking, analyzing, and talking about the past and the present. The person who desires improvement is the one who is finding out what patterns there are in themselves and others, clarifying what really went on in the past (what was really done or said, not what the rumors have been), and looking objectively at what's going on in the present, with themselves and those around them.

Those who are actually Misery-Minded don't LIKE to talk about things objectively. They may actually be using their "misery" to feel grounded, and to feel like they belong. Misery is the easiest thing to use to connect with other people, everyone pays attention if a person is complaining about their job, their health, their money, their kids, their spouse, their parents, their other friends, their pets, their car, etc, and when people are paying attention to us, they aren't rejecting us.

Misery is also a way to get attention without coming across as bragging, and most people will suddenly start treating a person who is talking about their "misery" with respect, even if they did not before.

Those who are Misery Minded DO like to complain, but DON'T want any solutions to their problems. They will have an excuse why any suggestion is not going to work before they have tried it. They don't want to talk about the issue, analyze it, figure out how it started or to find a solution, they just want to complain.

Those who are not Misery Minded may talk quite a lot about problems because they are seeking actual solutions. They are interested in analysis, in finding out what's going on, where the origins of a problem started; they want to know who they can trust to be an ally, and they want to find solutions.

Those who are NOT Misery Minded are like a person who takes an engine apart to see why it's sputtering.
Those who ARE Misery Minded will complain terribly about the sputtering, but will shake a finger at anyone who wants to look under the hood and see what's wrong.

Light and Love

My friend Premlatha Rajkumar is a wise and beautiful soul who writes from a very deep well of strength, vision, and discipline. I am sure you will enjoy her posts as much as I do, and find the grace and healing that she conveys.

http://beawakeandalert.blogspot.com/2013/05/sowing-good-seeds-in-soil-of-our.html?showComment=1370231002397#c4867760523938752450

Brain Parts

If one is trying to understand the written word or an observation with the part of the brain that processes emotions, there's a much lower likelihood that they will be able to comprehend what they're reading or seeing. If you don't like, are jealous of, or fear women, for example, you're not going to be able to understand what a woman is saying. If you don't like another race, you aren't going to hear what someone of that race is saying. Etc, etc. If you're afraid of dolphins, you're not going to be able to interpret their behavior or observe them objectively.

Nearing Completion!

Almost finished with my book! WOOHOO!

I think I'll call it "I Really Don't Care What You Think About This Book If You're A Narcissistic, Bullying, Dweebish, Entitled, Punk Ass Dork~ Why Do You Care About It At All? Go Do Something Useful"

I think it will be a huge hit!   :D

Chutzpah

It's not the weak, or the less powerful, or the less intelligent who listen respectfully and with interest while others speak; it's the strong, polite, and graceful.
It's not the strong or the more experienced who monopolize the discussion, argue, talk over others, or get bored when others are speaking; it's the immature.

Flirtation, Sexual Competition

The more dependent on others for survival a person is, the more they are likely to flirt with the opposite sex and compete with  members of their own sex.

The reason for this approval-seeking is because they are relying on the approval of the opposite sex to affirm their worthiness as a person, and to gain acceptance as members of the larger group. They instinctively know that the more people there are who accept them, (for whatever reason), the more likely they are to get help when they need it, and companionship (or sex) when they want it. They are less likely to be alone, which socially needy people have a very hard time with and fear, even if it's only temporary.

As long as they are getting the approval and attention of the opposite sex, needy people will compete sometimes viciously with members of their own sex for that approval and attention. They fear that they will be replaced; discarded for another. It's not really about mating, it's more about the larger social group.

Compulsions, Addictions, Symptoms Of An Unhealthy Environment

We tend to think of Narcissist abuse as between two people in a relationship, but it's not just that. The same patterns can be seen in elsewhere in many places, in corrupted groups, governments, businesses, organizations, and institutions. Where there are narcissists, there is manipulation and abuse, either toward it's own members, (within), or toward targeted others (customers, citizens, etc), or BOTH. It can be on a small scale or a large scale, the patterns are the same.

Take a look at people with addictions and compulsions. Most people develop addictions or compulsions as a way to escape or "deal with" a bad situation or a person. Birds pull their feathers out when they're anxious and caged, it's the only thing they can do when they're overwhelmed and feel trapped; it's a compulsion. They have to do SOMETHING.

Humans do that too, literally; they might pull their eyelashes or eyebrows out, they might scratch at their skin till it bleeds, they might cut themselves. They might smoke cigarettes, drink too much coffee, or self-sabotage at their job. They might drive too fast, or start fights, or drink alcohol, or take drugs, and/or over-spend money (self-harm via sabotaging one's own financial well-being).

They don't live in a bubble when they do these behaviors, and neither does the bird who pulls its feathers out. Why is the bird so anxious that it would self-harm that way? There's a reason. Birds who live in their natural environment (FREE) hardly ever do that. They feel mentally and emotionally healthy because they are BEING BIRDS, and not being controlled by bullies. They are free to flourish as their own individual potential, they are free to spend their time mastering flight, mastering food gathering, mastering nest-building, and mastering survival. They are spending their time in the company of other birds who are also mastering their skills and learning about their environment. No one is saying "you're too small to fly, go walk on the ground" or "you're not good enough to be one of our flock, get lost", or "stay inside this cage and don't argue while we go food-hunting" or "I am the food-hunter, you have to sit on the nest" or "you are our servant, shut up and go get us some seeds or worms to eat". They are living real lives. They aren't getting randomly attacked by groups of birds who are supposed to be their flock-mates, or being put down by jealous flock-mates. They have enemies, but their flock-mates aren't telling them they're WRONG about the cat lurking in the grass, and no one is blaming them for making the cat behave that way. They don't have a flock "leader" who is cruel to any bird who isn't serving the leader's whims.  (Many flocks do have "leaders", but it's not a "superiority" thing. It's just whoever happens to take the lead when it's time to fly, or time to eat, or time to rest, or time to nest. It's more like a group of genuine friends who are hanging out, and one person says "Hey the sun is going down, we should go home" and everyone says "oh yeah, thanks". One person might say "I'm gonna stay and watch the sunset, I'll be along later", and they all reply "okay, see you later!" An individual bird doesn't get punished, threatened, or shamed if they don't "comply", because it's not about ego or entitlement. Although, birds who live in captivity may display domination behavior toward their flock mates that can become abusive or even deadly.) If they get in a squabble with another bird, they openly DEFEND themselves, and also FLY AWAY. No one is telling them they have to TAKE the abuse from the other bird. They don't get triggered to self-harm because they are living as free individuals, they feel their own personal power, they don't have to sit there and deal with someone dominating them, using them, or trying to turn them into a pet or a servant. They deal with hardship and tragedy without turning to self-harm, or the destruction of the other birds. They keep each other warm in the winter, keep a look out for danger for one another, and don't make a big deal out of it, they just do it.
Yes there are happy pet birds, probably, but how do we know for sure? We can only know that they're NOT happy because of the self-harming behavior that they do, and the way they display anxiety in other ways.

So~ what would a CARING human do if their pet bird was showing signs of unhappiness and anxiety with self-harm, compulsive, erratic, or addiction behavior? They would immediately try to get help, they would want to know what they're doing to cause the bird's anxiety. If it came to it, they would give the bird to someone else, perhaps to a bird sanctuary where it could be with other birds and feel safe and happy.

What would an uncaring, narcissistic human do in the same scenario?
They would first blame the bird for the behavior, "This bird is nuts". They might ask for help, but if they didn't get the advice they wanted, such as "How to "fix" my crazy bird", then they would just ignore it. They don't want to hear they did or didn't do something to cause the bird's behavior, or that they should change something in the environment FOR the bird... Subsequently, they would keep doing the things they do that cause the bird anxiety, and they might do them MORE as a "Domination display". Like if the cat likes to jump at the bird, they wouldn't do anything about it, and might even encourage the cat. If the dog barks constantly and is causing the bird anxiety, they wouldn't do anything about that either, like put the bird in a quieter room, or keep the dog away from the bird. They would not let the bird out of the cage more, or get another bird as a companion, or separate birds who don't get along well. They might change the bird's diet... maybe... They would only give the bird away because they got SICK of the it, not because they cared about it and wanted it to have a better home. Basically, they have the bird as a pet because they enjoy owning THINGS. They don't actually care about the BIRD as a living individual.

With humans who self-harm and have compulsions from narcissistic abuse and environments, it's the same thing. Controllers will not give up control, they want MORE control. They won't change what they're doing because they notice signs of anxiety or depression in a person, they'll put all the blame on the person, and take zero responsibility. They WANT the person to have compulsions and addictions so they can control them, blame them, and shame them.

Many stories of "interventions" that are aired on television are clear examples of a narcissistic environment causing the addict to stay in a loop. The other members of the family or group blame the addict completely, and often even dismiss blatant physical abuse that the subject has endured from another member. They might even BLAME the subject for the abuse, as if they caused it. It's obvious why the subject has developed compulsions, addictions, and depression~ they have been caught in a web, a cage, of Narcissistic abuse often for years. Now they are going to have to heal themselves and get OUT of the cage, but first they need to recognize that there IS a cage. Then they're going to need to find healthy supporters so they can have somewhere to go when they get out of the cage.

It's all about shame, blame, anxiety, fear, emasculation (toward both males and females), and domination.

Keeping targets circling in their own emotional reactions IS the main strategy of Narcissistic controllers. It's all the same pattern, whether they are individuals in a relationship, friendship or family, the leader of a cult, a "pimp" in a prostitution ring, a gang leader, an organized crime leader, a drug dealing ring, a corrupt government politician, a corrupt business owner, manager or supervisor, or even coworkers.

When people see young girls in the street prostituting, why don't they pick them up and bring them home, and get them help? Why~ because people JUDGE, AVOID, and FEAR, and don't know the reality behind the girl's life, or the situation the girl is in. They don't know that pimps often convince the girls that they are their TRUSTWORTHY FRIEND, who is ON THEIR SIDE and UNDERSTANDS THEM, and will KEEP THEM SAFE. They don't get that the pimp will talk these kids into doing drugs and THEN prostitute them. They don't get that the pimps pretend to be a "business partner" with the girls, tricking them into believing they have personal power in this "business". They don't get that pimps will use SHAME and FEAR as a weapon, just like in any other Narc. relationship. Picture a pimp giving a girl drugs, putting her on the street after convincing her thoroughly that he is truly her friend, protector, and comrade, and then calling her a waste-product whore. They will use ANY TOOL OR WEAPON THEY CAN to keep their targets from leaving or talking.
Why are there SO MANY "customers" of these young girls that they keep the pimps in business?
WHY do pimps so often give these girls drugs?
WHY do the pimps wait for the girls to be influenced by the drugs before they threaten and beat them?...
WHY do people seem to FORGET that these girls are KIDS?
WHY do people find it so easy to just REJECT them, instead of helping them?
WHY DO THESE YOUNG GIRLS STAY, and not RUN AWAY?
WHY DID THEY RUN AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE IF THEIR HOME ENVIRONMENT WAS SO FULFILLING AND HEALTHY?

And to be quite CLEAR, there are plenty of boys who go through the exact same hell.

IT'S NOT THE "WORLD", IT'S NOT JUST "HUMAN NATURE", IT'S PREDATORY NARCISSISTIC ABUSE.
INDIVIDUAL HUMANS WHO ARE NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS.

Like the evil queen in Snow White, or Captain Hook in Peter Pan, Lex Luther in Superman, Drizella Tremaine in Cinderella. In real life, they are all around us, presently and throughout history.
They are the evil dictator, the corrupt government official, the corrupt Wall Street executive, all the way to the abusive (but POPULAR) local coach, the charismatic AND hate-inciting or manipulative preacher, the controlling head of the PTA, etc. They are the drug dealer downtown, and the corrupt individuals in local government, police, and business.
They are the bully supervisor or coworker.
They are the neighbor who is always trying to rule over other neighbors, or display their "dominance" or "superiority" somehow, either overtly or passive-aggressively.
They are the "friends" who treat their "friend" like a doormat, a mascot, a workhorse or ATM, or a little brother or sister.
They are the bully kids at school who are mean to other kids, or who manipulate other kids to do things they wouldn't otherwise.

They are individuals who's goals are about manipulating, owning, using, and harming others. They get themselves in positions of "power" whenever they can, and they target whoever they can, and they COLLECT "supporters" any way they can, half of whom don't even realize they are "supporting" a con-artist manipulator.

It's all the same pattern as anything else:
shame, blame, anxiety, fear, emasculation (toward both males and females), and domination.

Take away a person's hope for the future, their personal sense of strength and power, their sense of autonomy, their confidence in their own capability, their pride in MASTERY of skills, knowledge, and building their OWN future, and you have a person who is more slave than alive, and they don't even know how they got there. And they probably don't see any way out, or any reason to believe that there is hope, or that they could have a better life.

Just like the bird who is overwhelmed with anxiety of being trapped and pulls its feathers out, or screams and squawks, or thrashes in its cage and injures itself, eventually if it doesn't kill itself, it will die of the physical effects of stress, or just give up. When the bird has no hope of escape or rescue, it will turn on itself. BUT if the bird DID have hope, if it KNEW that it could have a better life somewhere else, it would keep TRYING to escape, even while it's pulling its feathers out in anxiety.

Addictions and compulsions are SYMPTOMS of something else. Curing the cause always heals the symptoms.

If you're looking for a cure for the cause, 12-step groups can be of tremendous help because A ) they're free, B ) they're anonymous, and C ) there are people there who share similar situations D) free coffee . It's best to go around to find the ones that suit you, and there's no need to make PERSONAL connections outside of the group. Just sit in the back and listen at first, no diving in required; if your radar tells you there's something not right, you can just leave. 


DBT  (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) can be a boon to those suffering with the effects of a dysfunctional childhood, regardless of their "diagnosis", or the lack thereof.


Energy healing like Reiki and Theta can be very helpful, even if a person doesn't "believe" in it; just the caring presence of another human being can make a very large impact.

Al-anon is a support group for people who support each other in dealing with OTHER people, mainly geared for families and partners of alcoholics and other addicts, but the support is about learning how to understand and deal with the behavior and emotional issues in the whole family system.



~M.M.Black 2013

"Boys Don't Cry", "Men Don't Show Fear", "Women Shouldn't Work"

Men and boys are just as susceptible to being targeted as women and girls, by both male and female bullies and narcissists, both romantically and non-romantically.

One of the reasons the status quo used to be for women to not "interfere" with the "business of men" was, on the positive side, to protect them from some of the narcissist and whacked men that their husbands had to deal with all the time.

Narc. men don't want women "interfering in their business", but NON-NARC. men don't want those jerk-offs to insult or mess with their wives, mother, or daughters. Or sons either, but presumably sons were taught how to deal with these a******s. Basically males were taught to take the "front line" against the Narcs in the world so their wives could peacefully and productively teach and raise the children (both boys and girls), and have peace for themselves, and a safe space to study and create. It wasn't because the husbands thought the women were INCAPABLE at all. Bigotry is a narcissist thing. And on that same page, only narcissists thought men were categorically incapable of caring for children, cooking, clothes making, or anything else. (Again, innate bigotry is a narc. thing. Narcissists teach children skewed beliefs that reflect their bigotry, and so on, and so on.)

All those lines people hammered into boys like "Don't let them see you cry", or "Don't let them see you sweat", or "Don't let them hear your personal stories", "Don't let them see your emotions" "Don't let them see your fear", "Stand up tall and be a 'man'", "Protect women and children", they were INSTRUCTIONS about dealing with narcissists, and other bullies, and predators. Severe Narcissists see any emotion as a way in, they get a thrill out of attack and sabotage, and they attack women and children both because they like to, and also to hurt whoever is connected to them; we're all familiar with that crap.

"Never hit a girl or a woman" is another blanket teaching that is made into a "boy" thing ~  of COURSE you don't hit a girl, anyone with any common sense wouldn't in the first place! But guess what~ anyone with any common sense wouldn't hit a BOY either! This blanket "Boys should never hit girls" as if all girls are made of glass and all boys have superpowers was to drive it home to people with a little less in the sense department. It has a side effect that it gets taken completely out of context, and people seem to think it means "But it's OKAY to hit BOYS, because they're SO TOUGH"...

Taken out of context that advice all sounds antiquated, callous, and almost abusive, but IN context, it's very good advice. A balanced and aware parent would have explained to do these things for a specific REASON, not just in general, not just because their child happened to have male genitalia.

You DO let your WIFE see you cry! You DO show LOVE and your real gentle self to your children and wife! You DO recognize, acknowledge, and respect your wife as a REAL person, an equal partner, with actual strength, intelligence, and talent. You don't do all this "MAN" behavior at your partner and family, that's not what it's for. It was just instructions on how to deal with the narcissists in the world so you could get your goals met and collect a paycheck.

Women were not taught these things because they were being taught OTHER things, like how to be supportive of your husband after he just dealt with jerk-off narcissists all day. It makes sense in CONTEXT, but when people LOSE CONTEXT and start making it about some kind of "gender assignment" it destroys the reasons behind them, and everyone starts to believe one of two things~ either that all these things some kind of "Status Quo" and that you are shameful if you don't do them according to your gender, but have no idea WHY they were done in the first place, or that all these things had no legitimate reasons behind them (because no one ever taught them what the reasons were!).
No matter how "manly" a man learned to act in the male "business" world full of narcs, if you were emotionally and mentally healthy, you WOULD express your real self, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, joys, and silly sense of humor to your wife... you WOULD respect her intelligence tremendously, her point of view and her capability, and you WOULD NEVER treat her with disrespect or bigotry, not in a million years. Why would you, she was your PARTNER!
You would let her see you laugh AND cry, and ask her for advice on pretty much anything and everything, and the ONLY reason you wouldn't want her to go into the "working world" or have a career was because you were worried about misogynistic N's targeting her, NOT because you had any doubt that she was quite capable, or because you considered yourself "above" her.

Now, the war with bigoted control freak Narcs in business, arts, sciences, and government still rages on, more in some places than in others but still everywhere,  but some of the battles are over. Now both men and women, girls and boys, need to learn those "antiquated" instructions once again, but this time, remember WHY, what they're FOR, and WHO they're ABOUT. If you internalize "TOUGH GUY" behavior because it works in one place with certain people, you're not going to be able to "turn it off" when you're with other people. CONTEXT is the key, as are healthy boundaries and awareness. When you want to close a deal with an obvious Narcopath, you put on your extra armor. When you leave that meeting, you take it off!

~M.M.Black 2013

P.S. Only a narcissist would attack this post as "nonsensical", I can already hear the anxious whining and moaning, lol.

Self SERVing

Ever notice that when something or someone is hacked, a lot of hackers will claim that it was a protest against stupid laws and bad government or corrupt corporation, so they do things to DESTROY and screw things up, but they hardly EVER hack anything to HELP anyone. Why the hell would someone hack a person who sticks up for those who were treated like crap by control freaks? Why would a hacker attack a person who is ANTI-control freak? Why are they trying to WRECK things, when they could just as easily HELP?
Same amount of effort and expertise, no difference there. If it takes a genius to wreck something, then what kind of genius does it take to actually make something BETTER?

Why is the goal always destruction instead of helping someone, and actually accomplishing something real and positive, and help them to help OTHERS, and actually make the world BETTER instead of SUCK MORE??!

I would put specific examples here, but I don't think that's necessary, anyone who's smart enough to hack is smart enough to figure that out.

Every brick we lift is used either to smash something, or to build something. Before it's used, it's just a brick. After it's used, it has become either a weapon of destruction, or a building block of creation. WE choose which it will be.

Repentance

Christians repent their sins, or admit to their sins, and turn more toward God:

Repent
1

: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life

2

a : to feel regret or contrition

b : to change one's mind 

 

Repentance is not a one time performance where a person dramatically asks for forgiveness for all their wrong doings, and then the curtain falls and they are "clean" forever, sinless as a newborn baby, unable to sin ever again. Humans commit sin, all the time. Pretty much all humans, regardless of their heritage, vocation, age, or religion. We commit sin in thought, word and deed, and half the time we don't even realize it. Envy is a sin. Wishing harm on another is a sin. Bigotry is a sin. Addiction is a sin because it's being tied to something outside of ourselves that we don't need for actual survival, which means it comes between us and our care for others, our responsibilities, our freedom, and God. (Smokers understand this; buying a pack of cigarettes as a priority even if you can't stand them and need the money for something else. Many people are addicted to coffee or soda but don't realize it's an addiction.) Arrogance and superiority are sins. Judging another person negatively is a sin, it blocks compassion. Road rage is a sin. When a man thinks they are naturally superior to a woman they are in sin, just as when a wealthy woman believes she is superior to a poor woman. Or either of those in reverse.

God is the Creator, not us; we don't get to say "Oh hey, you know those people you created, the ones that aren't the same as me? They didn't really come out good when you made them, so I'm not going to treat them as well as I treat the ones (like me) who came out GOOD. See? Look how you didn't do as good of a job on that part, and that part, and look at how they're kind of small in certain areas, see, you did a much better job on ME, and those who are like me."

Looking down on those who don't belong to one's church is a sin. Looking down on those who we think aren't "Christian enough" is a sin. Snubbing other church members or guests is a sin. We sin all the time in our little ways.

Repentance is not a one time deal, and believing that it is means ignoring all the teachings in the Bible about how humans are natural sinners. We can repent on Sunday, and feel completely cleansed and wonderfully renewed and redeemed, and then Sunday night we see a person on the television and think negative thoughts about them, or look down in judgment on someone walking down the road on the way home from Church. We require humility of ourselves (not of others, they're responsible for themselves). Repentance is a practice, since we are natural sinners, it's how we were made, and refusal to admit that is arrogance. There can be no repentance in arrogance, and we don't ever become superior beings because of our repentance. But we can be redeemed, thanks to God's mercy, when we make a practice of repentance.

Repentance is turning toward the Light so that we may see. Some of what we see is our own sins, and that's good, because then we can ask for forgiveness for them. When we sin we turn away from the Light, when we repent we turn toward the Light, and feel guilt and remorse, and this is a good thing. The more we turn toward the Light, the more we can see, and the more we will learn about ourselves and our sin habits.



Peace and light,
M.M.Black

I Know All About You! Narcissism And Assessment Of Others

• Narcissists do regular human immaturities but with the volume turned up, and they don't think it's wrong.
  ~ Like believing they know all about a person and that person's life, past and present; abilities, preferences, fears, motives, habits, and LACK of ability, experience or knowledge.
  They actually think they know what another person's "limitations" are, and what they do with their time, and what they have or have not accomplished, and why they do things.
  (Like all the people who assume they know why I write this blog, who have never actually asked me the question, or who have asked the question, but simply dismissed my reply (or even argued with me!) because they weren't actually interested in the answer, lol. Poor dears. )
  If they know the person, it's usually worse; a Narcissist will build a whole story around another person, and simply treat the person according to this fictional story, forever. They will not doubt themselves, they will not try to find out more about the person, they will literally ASSUME they know all about the person, as if the person's life and being could be written on a one-page biography and read in 10 minutes.
  Their over-confidence in their assumptions and assessment of others is truly astounding, and the lack of ability to take in real information about others (or about themselves) causes them live in a fantasy world. They completely trust their own assessments about everyone and everything, they think that whatever they THINK they see IS what there is. No need to find out if it's true or not... they already know... and if you tell them something different, they will simply say you're lying, or you don't know what you're talking about.

Women Against Women

A wonderful example of women focusing and magnifying judgment on other women way above and beyond male behavior. Red the Facebook post from this News Channel, and note the seriously heinous or weird crimes. Then, read the comments, which one do the 2 out of 3 women focus on?! A woman lying about having cancer draws a HORRIFIED reaction, but two sexual predators, a major drug ring, and a NECROPHILIAC CANNIBAL is not even noteworthy... of course they will have an excellent "reason" for their reaction... something like how the woman must have caused people so much pain and hardship (let's burn her at the stake!) UNLIKE the NECROPHILIAC CANNIBAL, the sexual predators, or the illegal DRUG ring. This is how bullies operate, they only focus on who they think they can get away with attacking, shaming, and magnifying, and avoid challenging anyone they see as physically, socially, or politically more powerful than themselves. (The exception to that is bullies who see a "more powerful" person as a challenge, but that's more common in male bullies than female bullies.)
(click on the post, it should be clearer to read)

Hating Narcissists

One of the obvious problems that happens with any kind of mass awakening and healing (racism, sexism, religionism, dictatorship, political corruption, narcissism) is that so many humans will just use it to make a NEW prejudice, a NEW "Us Against Them", and pigeonhole entire groups of people.
Such as:
Non-white Caucasians WERE oppressed in some countries at certain periods of history, denying that... is silly, it's real and it's true. What's NOT TRUE is that all Caucasians were of the same mind about it. If it were not for Caucasians who fought AGAINST it, risking life and limb, risking everything, it would not have been defeated. It may have been overturned in time, but denying that Caucasians fought with everything they had to defeat it is just as racist as the other way around. And YET, there are huge numbers of humans who actually DENY that, and desperately try to make every Caucasian the same, as if everyone born with lighter skin is automatically RACIST against anyone else. This is literally an insane belief, because it is so far from reality that it's not funny. Believing that all Caucasians are automatically racist is literally insane, like believing that the world is flat, even though there is obvious proof and evidence that it's round.
So, THEN, in response to this assumption by one racist group that all Caucasians are racist, certain Caucasians that rise to personal defensiveness about that pigeonhole all non-Caucasians as "Against US". So they can not even speak to a person of African descent without assuming that the person is against them.
They are ALL creating MORE racism, MORE problems, MORE drama, and MORE serious issues for the world, and for their poor children to have to deal with.
 
Also NOT TRUE: 
That white Caucasians have not been enslaved or oppressed, that's ridiculous, of COURSE they have.
That other races don't enslave or oppress other races, or their OWN race; throughout human history, and  right now as we speak in the world there is incredible oppression, slavery, and disgusting, horrific violence being committed BY other races, AGAINST other races, and against their OWN people, children included.  

Hate obliterates facts and reality. People who hate REFUSE to look at actual evidence or even at what's right in front of their face.

The awakening to Narcissism is causing a similar problem. We have every right to be pissed off, and vent, and expose it. We have definitely been mistreated, some of us for decades, by multiple people, in all kinds of way, in ridiculous ways that have oppressed us, hurt our very lives, our families, our futures, changed the entire course of our lives and of our loved ones.
We have finally found our voice, and a way to expose the methods and come together and find healing.
The one thing we really need to be careful of is that we don't do the "HATE" thing. That's what oppressors do, not us. Hate has NO POWER, and it's not the same thing as ANGER. I have every right to feel angry about the things that others have done to me, damn straight I do. Trying to shut down my anger is obviously just another Narc. tactic, one of the main strategies. But my ANGER is not the same as HATE. As soon as I start feeling hatred toward one of the people who have "Narc'd" me, I know I am heading toward a place that is not where I want to be, that is all about negativity, there's no light there, it's just acidic nowhere land. It gives me a temporary false sense of power and superiority, but it's where OPPRESSORS live, not me. Hate is the forfeit of reason, healing, learning, and growth. Hate is giving up, and laying down, and gets off on CAUSING pain. That's not who I am, or what I want for myself.

Hating all who show Narcissism traits is redundant anyway, every human on Earth has Narcissism traits. The "disorder" is when we are in DENIAL of having Narc. traits, because denying it means we can't GROW OUT of our Narc. traits. If humans weren't born with self-centeredness, most of us would die in infancy. The cries for "Feed Me!" "Change Me!" "I'm Tired!" "Pick Me Up!" are what prompts MOST adults to do any of those things in a timely manner, whether they want to admit that or not. We humans aren't automatically perfect, guru Parents just because we have a child (you can tell that by the state of the society), so babies and children HAVE TO be self-protective and express their needs so we do what they need us to do. (Being an overbearing parent who constantly gives a child what they THINK they need before the child can ever ask for it is not healthy either.)

We don't need to start another Witch Hunt, or another Prejudice "Us against Them" mentality, where we condemn every human who shows signs of Narcissism, that's actually a Narc. behavior all by itself.
All men aren't Narcs, all women aren't Narcs, all attractive people aren't Narcs, all people with BPD aren't Narcs, and further, all Narcs are not vicious and violent. They're just people who have a mental illness. Hating them actually gives Narcissism MORE power, because it gives them a sympathetic reason to defend themselves. You can see this in the same way people will sympathize with Misogynists (woman-haters) when they are defending themselves against fake feminists who are really just Anti-Male. They hijack the "Feminism" platform to spew their hate, and completely SKEW what feminism really is, which is what the Anti-Female groups WANT. (I personally have a feeling that some of the male-hating fake-feminists are political plants, like shills in a casino.)

When we hate, we put ourselves in darkness, in the same darkness the oppressor lives in.


~M.M.Black 2013