Why They Don't Protect Or Help

Make no mistake~ Narcissists, regardless of their relationship with a target (parent, sibling, "friend", partner, coworker, relative, classmate, employer, etc.)
LIKE IT
when a target gets abused, manipulated, or neglected by someone else.
They will give an abusive person ACCESS to a target. They will set up a target to get exposed to abusive people. They will NOT stand up for a target against disrespect or abuse, they will stand aside and let it happen. They will LET others take a target's possessions, violate their personal space and boundaries, disrespect them (right in front of them even), and sabotage, backstab, threaten, trash, and manipulate them.

WHY? Because their goal is to weaken the target, and other people doing that work is of course much better than doing it themselves. They won't get blamed, for one, and they don't have to actually do anything except stand back. When the other person is done, the target is even more malleable and ripe for targeting than before. Also, they now have yet another ally in their "gang" against the target.
Of course their defense will always be blaming the target, calling the target "paranoid", or "emotional", or "controlling", or "bitchy", or a "dick", etc etc AD NAUSEUM. The facts remain, however, regardless of how they try to twist them in their favor and against the target.
Healthy people don't target others, period. They don't disrespect others, they don't invade their boundaries or their space, they don't try to provoke others. Healthy people WANT others to feel HAPPY and SECURE, and be successful. They don't try to test, they don't take, they don't lie, they don't manipulate, they don't invade, and they DEFINITELY don't stand aside and let someone disrespect, steal from, or abuse another person.

But They Don't Deserve Equal Rights Or Privileges

If you see an entire group of human beings as generally "child like", weaker, less intelligent and less capable, and your group as "adult like", stronger, more intelligent and more capable, then you might have "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", or someone else who has it has taught you to believe their personal ego and insecurity issues as if they are part of objective reality. 
(It's usually taught more by modeling these issues and beliefs than by direct teaching, but both are often done at the same time.)


It is quite possible and not very difficult to heal from; all it takes is the mental capability to use critical and lateral thinking, and the courage to self-examine, face the fear of seeing one's own "flaws". (All humans have "flaws", many, many, many... when one develops a sense of humor, flaws are easy to accept and improve upon.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lateral_thinking

Tolerance, Or Respect For Other Human Beings?

"Tolerance" is not the same as "Respecting Others".
Tolerance is for the fearful and the judgmental. Respect, however, is given freely by those who respect themselves.

Controllers Project Incompetence Onto Others

One of the things Controllers seem to like very much is to project incompetence, inexperience, and lack of intelligence or skill onto others, especially their targets.

They seem to want everyone else to also believe this projection.
One of the ways they do this is to ignore and dismiss a target's capability. For example: There is small brush fire in the yard. Those present at the scene are three adults, one of whom is a Controller. The Controller treats one of the adults as if he/she is a competent grown-up, "allowing" them to help actively put out the fire. However, the Controller targets the other adult and treats them as if they are a small child who should "stay back" and "let the grown ups handle it."
>The only person with any experience in handling fires IS the target, the other two adults are actually getting high from an adrenaline rush and don't want it to get ruined by the calm-acting target.<
The Controller is not trying to actually "lead", or to "protect" the target, he/she is simply jumping on the opportunity for an adrenaline rush.

The adrenaline rush comes from several things
~ First, the "emergency situation", which Controllers often turn into a much bigger "event" than it actually is.
~ Then, the opportunity to PARTICIPATE in an "emergency situation"
~The opportunity to assign themselves as a "BOSS" in such a situation. ("Bosses" have to have "subordinates", they HAVE TO pick someone to be the "subordinate", and it's usually the person who seems the least likely to clock them for doing it.)
~The opportunity to DIRECT OTHERS
~The opportunity to receive credit, acknowledgement, and attention for being the "HERO" in the situation.
~The opportunity to DOMINATE someone else, and receive no consequences for it (only CREDIT).

~Some get an adrenaline rush out of the actual danger, but not that many~ most Controllers often feign courage, which creates a dangerous situation The Controller who is feigning courage is most likely ACTING like they know what they're doing to convince onlookers, but are actually AVOIDING doing what really needs to be done, because they're afraid. These Controllers will keep targets who DO know what they're doing away from the situation, so they can't get close enough to take action. Further, bystanders who buy into the Controller's act will often actually ASSIST in keeping "targets" away, contributing to the deterioration of the situation. (Often bystanders who do this are also getting an adrenaline rush as well.)

Another example: Picture a child who has fallen in a drain pipe. Five adults hear the child calling out. Only one of them is small enough to go into the drain pipe and retrieve the child. All the others are afraid of the drain pipe, but the small adult is not, and starts to go down to the pipe.
Because two of the other adults are Controllers, they actually make a huge ruckus about the small adult going in after the child (because that means that small person might get CREDIT for being the "HERO", and that means they DON'T get it). They actually hold the smaller person back and try to shame them and prevent them from going to get the child, while calling the police and the fire department. (In the meantime, the child is crying and getting colder and colder.)

Of course the small adult goes around behind them all and runs down the ravine, and retrieves the child from the drain pipe, because it's what needed to be done. Their two Controller "companions" are not HAPPY that the smaller adult did this, they actually become angry and resentful, and again start trying to shame and blame, with ridiculous statements like "You could have gotten hurt!" or "You could have gotten that child killed!" or "Don't you think of anyone but yourself?!" or "You should have let the professionals handle it!" < (said by the same Controller who wouldn't wait for the fire department during the brush fire.)

These statements were all learned as tools of control long ago.

We can witness this behavior all the time if we pay attention. Controllers take every opportunity to "designate" who IS capable of a task and who is NOT, and it always contains some kind of agenda, often as simple as receiving an adrenaline rush, or preventing a target from being seen by others as "capable" (or being seen by their own selves as "capable".)

Where Do You Focus Your Lens?

All humans carry a metaphorical mental lens that they look at the world through, and look at others through. Like a personal glass that we hold; a window, a magnifying glass, a telescope, a loupe. We are born looking out from our own eyes. We become aware that we are alive and that we ARE, but we don't spend nearly as much time examining ourselves as we do looking OUT at what's around us. We must be guided to really pay attention to our own actions in childhood, to assess ourselves, and to think before we speak and act. Our natural position is to hold our glass to look OUT, and those who have or learn empathy and true integrity also learn to pay attention to their own actions and inner thoughts and emotions, and the impact they make on others and the world.
When a person is targeted by a Narcissist, the glass that they hold naturally looking outward is turned backward, so that it's held focused on one's self instead.  The target switches their point of view and looks through the eyes of the Narcissist at themselves, and their own lens is automatically turned on themselves as well.
The process is set in motion by the Narcissist's behavior, the way they interact with the target. They do not pay much attention to the target unless they are criticizing, belittling, judging, trying to control, dominating, manipulating, or gaslighting. The target, over time, begins to look at themselves more and more, trying to prevent future negative interactions by changing themselves; trying to find ways to "improve" themselves in order to gain acceptance, approval, positive attention, normal respect, or friendship. Targets may become vigilant in hiding anything that might catch a Narcissist's attention, and so must pay extra attention to everything they're doing, trying to only let others see what can't be criticized. This often becomes an overall behavior habit, hiding themselves from the world in order to prevent being targeted. Targets learn to micro-manage and micro-judge themselves in order to avoid consequences from the Narcissist, and stop living their OWN REAL lives. They don't often realize that they've turned their glass around. It's not easy to get things done, to participate in "LIFE" the way we were born to, or to move forward, if our lens is pointed in the wrong direction.

NO Narcissist wants a target to turn their lens back the right way, it keeps a target under control, and prevents them from seeing what's actually in front of them and around them, and keeps them self-conscious. So when a target runs into new Narcissists, they will try to make them turn their lens back on themselves by doing the same things that the other Narcissists have done. Sometimes it doesn't take much at all, just subtle social signals that push the buttons of self-consciousness.

Narcissists behave frequently with a lack of common courtesy and manners, so even an unintentional Narc. signal, like rudeness, obvious eye-contact avoidance, or a condescending tone can trigger self-consciousness in a target who's already been "programmed" before. When a Narcissist is purposely targeting, and not just being their rude or attention-seeking self, they often make a show of praising and giving the target positive attention before they display the demeaning and disrespectful behavior.   

The natural way we are supposed to hold our mental "lens" is pointed OUT, not in, and not fixed on other people. We use it to see, up close and far away, to see what's happening, to learn, and to see others around us. We use it to see where we're going and what we're doing. In a group of people who are all using their lenses in this natural way, it creates a safe and trusting atmosphere where everyone continues to focus their lenses outward for learning and doing. They don't feel that they need to watch out for what others are doing, or doing TO them, because no one is focusing their lens on other people, so everyone keeps learning and progressing.
Those who have their lens fixed on others, judging everything they do or following what they do, aren't focused on what they're doing and often have a hard time learning new things unless someone they're following tells them about it. They also cause those they're fixated on to stop focusing on what they were doing and learning in order to deal with them.
Those who have their lens fixed on themselves can't see what's going on around them, and can't move forward because they're caught in a loop. Much like trying to drive by looking in the rearview mirror. 
To aid in healing, we can picture literally this lens, and picture ourselves holding it. Where are we pointing ours? Where are others pointing theirs? When we're healthy and happy (and healed), we don't keep our focus and magnify our lens on others, and we don't hold it backwards, magnifying the focus on ourselves. We hold it so we our looking out from our own eyes at the WHOLE world around us, turning up the magnification when we want or need to on something we want to learn or do.

Gawk Much? Judging And Gossip In The Community

You know your community is afflicted with Narcissism if you know that neighbors are watching you when you clean your car, mow your lawn, landscape, shovel snow, do any repairs, do anything they can see, and anything they can't see. And you know that they're watching you because that's part of their usuall conversation~ what OTHER PEOPLE are doing. Talking about others, and REPORTING ON others to f...ellow gossipers. "I saw your Aunt at the mall with some guy, they looked like they were pretty close, smiling and laughing..." "Did you see those bushes so-and-so planted? What the heck are they supposed to be?!" ... "Oh my gosh look at so-and-so, where's she going in THAT get-up?" ... "It looks like so-and-so may have FINALLY gotten a job..." ... "Can you believe so-and-so has all those kids?!" ... "I see the So-and-so's got another car... how they can afford it?!" ... "So-and-so is always going out at night, I see the car leave and not come back till four in the morning..." "How many girlfriends does he have? That's the third woman I've seen there this week!" "I don't know how she puts up with her, I hear all she does is sit around and do nothing but do that silly 'art' crap all day." "What a loser..." "He hasn't worked in a year, I heard~"
OH. EM. GEE.
Narcissism blazes with self-righteousness, deflection, finger-pointing, manipulation, lying and corruption, which breeds insecurity and paranoia in those around them, which breeds defensiveness, which often manifests as gossip, which creates a very hostile, backstabbing community (or family). Huge, self-perpetuation cycle that gets worse with time and through generations unless strong people simply stop participating, and stop modeling it for their children.
If you know others are watching and judging you with everything you do, and you make sure you can only be seen doing things that look "smart" or "cool" and hiding anything that someone might judge critically, (like learn to juggle, or practice singing, or talking to certain people) and you think that's "normal" because it's so common and "everyone does it", you're witnessing the influence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in your area.

How To Treat The Opposite Sex

Basic parameters for treatment of the opposite sex:

> If you would not say it to one of your same-sex friends because it's demeaning, disrespectful or presumptuous, then why would you say it to a member of the opposite sex?

> How do you show genuine respect and friendship to your comrades of the same sex? Do at least that (not LESS than that) toward members of the opposite sex.

> What is your "ethics code"? What are your personal integrity parameters? It's not integrity if you only do it sometimes with certain people, but not with others.

> Basic manners and courtesy. If you wouldn't "blow off" or lie to one of your same-sex friends because it's wrong or lame, then why on earth would you do that to a person of the opposite sex?

> Pay attention. Other people don't come in some kind of prefab packages. Each human has different strengths and talents, experiences, wisdom, knowledge, and points of view. No one is some kind of "clone" of others who are the same sex, height, race, or hair color. Grow up. No two women are the same, and no two men are the same, no matter how deep someone's personal gender biases and issues are.

> Don't assume you know anything at all about another person, especially based on their sex, body, age, or appearance. That is one of the most naive and ignorant things that humans seem to stay stuck in developmentally.
That big hulking African-looking guy you just saw might be the sweetest person you ever met, loves baby animals, children, his Mom, can't play basketball, has a degree in physics, enjoys software programming, cooks dinner for his wife every night, is an avid quilter, is not a Democrat, lost all of his siblings in a terrible accident, who's best friend is his female cousin who helps people in their community with him.
That small blond woman with the voluptuous figure, with dirt on her hands  you just saw might be the most humble person you ever met, who drag races and restores vintage cars, who's a master carpenter, who rescues abused animals, helps all of her elderly neighbors, paints portraits, studied biology and chemistry, has survived a severely abusive childhood in foster care, does not belong to a political party, and loves her children and her husband, who love and respect her back.
Both of them are Science Fiction fans, neither can stand Television Soap Operas or reality shows, both can take or leave professional sports, and would much rather play sports with close friends and family just for fun.  
None of it could have been "assumed" or "guessed", one would have to actually get to know them to find out any of these things.

Treating You Like You're Stupid

Another very common Narc. trait (that less mature people do also, such as children who have not yet grown out of this stage) is assuming you know NOTHING about a particular subject, or are emotionally weak, fragile, and histrionic~ if you ask a single question, make an observation, or express an emotion.
What you say and what they hear are quite often two completely different things.

Your question:
"Which brand of decking that you carry is the least slippery when it gets wet?"
What the N hears:
"I know absolutely nothing about decks, materials, or building, I don't even know how to hold a screwdriver, I'm fragile and clueless, and I need your superior and extensive knowledge and experience to walk me through this terribly overwhelming decision."

Your question:
"Would you reach that for me? I want to look at it."
What the N hears:
"Would you please help me? I can't reach that because I'm so little and weak, and you're so capable, important, and knowledgeable. And strong. Stronger than ME."

Your question:
"What's your opinion on this guitar vs. that one?"
What the N hears:
"Please explain to me what a guitar is? I've never touched one before, and I know nothing at all about them, and I greatly admire and look up to YOU, who obviously has vast knowledge and talent, far and above anything I could ever have! You're one of those "real" musicians, I can tell! I'm just a squealing, silly wanna-be!"

Your observation:
"Look at those birds way over there! Is that a swan? I can't see it from here."
What the N hears:
"Look! Some kind of animal, bird-like creature, I don't know anything about them, I'm completely ignorant and can't tell one bird from another, and have never learned the names of any birds, because I'm not smart enough, and I fear nature and wild animals because I'm so fragile and silly. Please, please enlighten me, tap into your encyclopedic knowledge and explain to me what birds are, and what kind of bird that might be."

Your observation:
"It looks like rain."
What the N hears:
"OH NO there might be water falling from the sky! My hairdo will get ruined! I am too fragile to get wet, I'm afraid I'll get sick! This will ruin everything! Save me!"

Your expression:
"Wow, she was rude to me, that was annoying." (after dealing with a female medical staffer who was condescending and rude to you, but not to them.)
What the N hears:
"Like, oh my GOSH! Did you SEE HOW MEAN THAT GIRL WAS TO ME? I HATE HER! I HATE ALL PEOPLE! I AM SO JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE WAS KIND OF PRETTY! I AM NOT PRETTY ENOUGH! NO ONE LIKES ME! WHAAAAAA!!!"

Your expression:
"Wow that guy was arrogant and rude to me." (after dealing with a male sales person who was condescending and rude to you, but not to them)
What the N hears:
"WHAAA! I am angry and jealous because that man did not treat me like a princess! I am jealous and envious because MEN ARE SMARTER AND DESERVE MORE RESPECT than us silly, crazy, stupid women! I am a hateful, angry, jealous, nagging woman!"
or
"WHAAA! I am angry and jealous because that guy ignored me, because I'm not as much of a MAN as you are! I am such a weakling, and shy, I WISH I WAS MORE LIKE YOU so REAL MEN would treat me like a MAN, like they treat YOU!"

Your question:
"Were you just flirting with that guy in a serious way?"
What the N hears:
"WHAAA! I'm a weak, jealous, insecure man, and you're so HOT, and I'll never get another girl like YOU! Are you going to LEAVE ME for that other guy? He is SO MUCH more attractive than I am! You're gonna leave me, aren't you? WHAAA!"

Your statement:
"Check out that car!"
What the N hears:
"WOW! A car! It looks like some kind of "sports car" to me! Aren't those fast? What kind is it? I don't know anything about cars at all, but I know you do, because you're so smart, and know so many things!"

The really funny (or annoying, or aggravating) part is that a Narcissist will often take the conversation and run with it, actually believing their own skewed assumption that the other person is clueless, or "over-emotional", or scared. Many will proceed to give completely erroneous information, things they just make up on the spot. (That bird, well yes, that's a long-necked yellow-footed red-billed Stork, and I can tell that it's a male from it's tailfeathers...) or (The best decking is actually made of cardboard fibers that are mixed together with flax seed and recycled water bottles, this never gets slippery. When does your husband/father/contractor want to pick it up?)


*Narcissists are commonly sexist and cling to stereotypes, archetypes, and fictional beliefs about gender and appearance; they think they know you by what you look like and what your gender is. This is reflected blatantly in the way they treat others, and how they view themselves.

Narcissists And Kids

One of the common traits of Narcissism that contributes to its spread, dramatically, is lack of awareness and concern about one's influence on children. Narcissists tend to display self-righteousness regarding their influence on children, if they have any awareness about it at all. They don't care about how they treat children, what they say to them, or how their behavior affects them. Some with s...ociopath traits seem to take glee in influencing children to mimic their anti-social and anti-empathetic behavior and attitudes. Many use children as pawns and weapons against their "rivals", not only during custody disputes, but just as a regular easy tactic. They show little or no concern for children's emotional, mental, or physical well-being, unless the child is on their "favorites" list, and even then, they show little or no concern about their influence.
It can be very difficult for a parent who has to deal with Narc. relatives, friends, or obviously an N coparent. The desire for children to have a network of support conflicts with the actual reality of the people who would be in that network, who end up being more negative for the child's development and overall life than positive.
Narcissists do the same thing with children as they do in intimate relationships: they adamantly refuse to review their own behavior, or self-examine, or visit that their actions may not be "perfectly fine". They will usually defend and justify everything they do and say no matter how ludicrous, abusive, neglectful, or blatantly negative or even dangerous it is.

Red Flag That's Easy To Spot: Condescension

• Condescension is one of the easiest flags to see; many Narcissists will do it before they have targeted someone personally, before they have started putting on the facade. It's easy to get this one "down" so it's obvious to recognize right off the bat (but it's not foolproof, there are people who are not "NPD" who condescend and there are N's who know better than to do it openly). To see it, just pay attention to strangers, like store clerks and waitstaff, sales people in various stores, the doctor's office, receptionists and nursing staff, school faculty; really anywhere there are humans~ listen to how they speak to you.
  Condescension sounds like "I KNOW you know less than I do just by looking at you, so I'm going to over explain, change my vocal tone, invade your space, and assume you are completely clueless" or "I see you as a naive, inexperienced child, and myself as a fully capable and important adult". Or, "You're just a girl, (or just a boy, or just a young person, or just an older person...) so I am going to speak to you as if you just fell off the turnip truck, like you have no clue what's going on, either here or in life in general".
  
  It can also sound and look like "You're one of those dumb blondies, aren't you?!" or "You're a cute little piece of fluff!" or "Look at those abs.." or "Why don't you cut/dye your hair?!"
  or "You should gain/lose some weight, you'd be really hot"
  It can sound and look like "You'd be happier if..." or "You whine too much.." or "You need to get a thicker skin..." or "Lighten up!"
  
  It can sound and look like "You don't really belong here... you're not like us..."
  
  It can also sound and look like "I really like your friend! You, however, I already don't like..."
  or "I am pleased to speak to your friend (partner/relative/coworker), and I am showing them respect and courtesy. You, however, are a "lower" person, so I'm just going to pretend you don't even exist."
  
  It can also sound like "You don't know what you're talking about" or "You are not as wise as I, or my associates..."
  
  It can also sound like SILENCE~ a lack of acknowledgment of your PRESENCE, or of the fact that you spoke, or of what you actually said.
  
  Basically, people who condescend seem to enjoy it, because apparently it gives them a sense of feeling like a "grown up", above and beyond lowly and clueless "child-people" like us...
  
  Being able to recognize the signs and sounds of condescension (not just vocal tone) can be a tremendous asset in protecting one's self from future Narcissist problems, seeing through b.s., getting ripped off, and getting manipulated.
  
  Amazingly, many humans will TRUST a condescender MORE than they will trust a person who treats them with respect, because their perception has been skewed from growing up around so much Narcissism. Condescension sounds like confidence, experience, and knowledge to many people, unfortunately for them. Good for con-artists, though...
  For example, Mark calls three contractors to remodel his kitchen. The one who is the master craftsperson and carpenter is confident and sincere, so she simply answers Mark's questions and does not speak to him with an arrogant tone. Her price is in the middle of the three, and she is actually the most skilled and will do the best job. The other two are not as skilled; one of them is honest and also does not speak to Mark in an arrogant tone, but Mark senses that they may not be that experienced. The third one who bids far and above both of the others is the one Mark hires~ because he spoke DOWN to Mark, treating Mark like he was a complete novice, even clueless, even not very bright. Mark swallowed it hook line and sinker, without even finding more information about any of the contractors. If he had asked around, he would have found out that the middle bidder was easily the best and most talented, and the highest bidder has had several complaints about shoddy work and even unfinished jobs.
  It happens all the time, from the highest levels government, to "Big Business" all the way to fast food employees. People don't realize that condescension is NOT a sign of knowledge, experience, or intelligence, it's just a sign of arrogance and delusions of grandeur, and actually indicates an absence of skill and knowledge, and disinterest in seeking information.

Why Those With Strong Values Often Have Few Friends

Those who live their lives in cliques will always reject those who don't do cliques. Square pegs in round holes~ they know you aren't ever going to go along with their triangulation, ego stroking, bad boundary issues and manipulation, sometimes illegal activity, often 'immoral' activity (that they're actually ashamed of or fear getting caught doing), so they just don't include you. You don't fit in. (Thank Heaven for that.)

They're not rejecting you because you did something wrong, because you're not a good person, or because you're creepy, annoying, unintelligent, or unattractive. They simply have no tolerance for people with strong values who refuse to participate in game playing, and who don't let them walk in and on their boundaries. When you disagree with them or don't go along with their mobbing, gossiping, or excluding others, if you show that you don't tolerate unfair or hurtful treatment toward others or toward yourself, they will often reject you forthwith. 

Secure and confident people don't reject others, or try to dominate, smear, gang up on, or ostracize them for disagreeing with them, refusing to go along with attacking others, or refusing to participate in any other kind of activity or attitude. They don't reject others for talking about something, or pointing out unfairness, injustice, or standing up for themselves. But very insecure, fearful, and/or manipulative people often do. They will "circle their wagons" at the slightest interference or disagreement with their agendas, and then often open fire as well.

Much like illegal drug users would not invite a police officer to the party, even if he or she was the nicest, most laid back, kindest, most generous person in the world. It's about THEM, THEY feel uncomfortable in the officer's presence because of what THEY do, not because of what the officer's personality is like.

Constant Thrum Of Tension

That constant, continuous undertone of tension the controller seems to emit may likely be something they developed in childhood. They may have picked it up from someone else in the household, or they may have felt it themselves.

Many children grew up inside of a household where one of the adults was always wondering what another adult was going to do next, or not do next, or what they were doing while they were out. One parent might have been in a continual bad mood because either they have mood or control issues, or because the other parent has mood or control issues, or treated them with disrespect. A parent who is controlling or haughty often emits this tension constantly, and children in the house may try to "match the frequency" so they can feel normal.
Children who grow up in a household where one parent is gone a lot for any reason may develop this; they may be stressed for the absence of the parent, or their other parent may be stressed from it;  and also those who had one parent who was physically ill, or another family member, especially if there was always some sense of foreboding, like something bad could happen at any moment.

Children who grew up in such an environment can adapt this constant thrum of tension and incorporate it into their personality, often feeling like it's the way one is supposed to feel when one is an adult, or when one is "responsible", or "in charge". 
The feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or being worried that one's daily, normal behavior and actions will be judged and micro-managed, are symptoms of a controlling household. And that feeling can be incorporated into a child's regular every day personality. Without it, the person may feel like he or she is giving up their autonomy and personal power; they may actually believe it's part of being an adult human being. We all incorporate our childhood environment into our selves as we grow up, it's normal; so if this constant tension was present, it can easily be taken in by a person who grew up in it.

Self Confidence vs. Narcissism

Self-confidence is not the same as "Narcissism".
When you are confident, you feel solid and good about yourself and your capability, you aren't plagued with self-doubt, and you don't have the need to compare yourself to others. You are happy about your accomplishments, your abilities, and your aspirations, and are not thinking much about what other people think of you; you're just content and happy about what you're doing,  improving your skills, and learning things. You notice when others are disrespectful toward you, and you automatically stand up for yourself. You also stand up for others. You don't pretend disrespectful behavior is not happening, or allow  others to insult you, control you, put you down, condescend, or walk on you, or do any of that to others around you.

You learn from others regardless of their "station" or "status". Self-confident people ENJOY sharing ideas, listening to others' points of view about all kinds of things; they enjoy discussion, they don't insult others, condescend, try to overtake a discussion or counter. They don't assume negative things about others; they don't participate in gossip. They put their energy into improving their own life, and the lives of those around them, not in tearing others down or picking them apart. They don't waste time "critiquing" others lives or bodies; they don't invite or embrace negativity, judgment, or divisiveness. They notice when others do, and they may avoid entire groups of people who are negative and controlling.

They are HAPPY when they meet a "kindred spirit", someone else who shares their interests, someone else who enjoys similar things or does something that they do. They are happy for those who are doing well and who have accomplished things. They LIKE IT when someone else knows things they don't, understands things they don't, or is better at something than they are, because it's an opportunity to LEARN. They don't gloat, brag, or boast. They enjoy honesty, good manners, ethics, and critical thinking, and they find relief in taking accountability for their mistakes and transgressions. They LIKE to hear what others have to say, and they LIKE to learn from others, and they truly APPRECIATE and acknowledge the talent, skill, ability, and knowledge of others; they don't try to shush them up with insults and countering, invalidate them, dismiss them, or shun them.

A self-confident person does not brag or boast; they could have 3 PhD's and keep it to themselves. They could have climbed Mt. Everest twice and not tell others unless the subject comes up in conversation. They could be a world-reknowned artist and you wouldn't know it if you met them, because they don't seek extra credit and admiration, so they don't talk about it unless someone asks. They don't feel "outshined" easily, and they don't envy those who do something well that they also do. They also don't hesitate to share their accomplishments with others when it occurs to them to do so, and often do when they're happy about something they've done. They don't HIDE what they've accomplished, and at the same time they don't think of their accomplishments, skills, or talent as "bragging rights".

They have no need to PROVE that they are better or more knowledgeable at something that someone else, and will even pretend to know less than they do, or are less capable than they are, if it seems like someone's ego is fragile, or if they are under fire from others.

Those who are self-confident LIKE TO promote OTHERS, they ENJOY pointing out what others are accomplishing, and help them gain credit and acknowledgment for what they do. Even when it's the same thing, the same field, the same skill, the same talent, and even if they are not receiving any benefit themselves for promoting them.

Those who are self-confident have the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of others in mind, regardless of whether they are a "close friend" or not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

Those who are Narcissistic only have their own well-being in mind, and will emotionally, mentally, or physically neglect, shut out, or abuse others if it serves them in any way. Occasionally they can seem somewhat concerned for others whom they see as also "elite" who they consider to be in their circle of elitism.

Narcissism is not the same as self-confidence, and can be said to be it's opposite. It's all about comparing one's self to others, and trying to find them to be lesser than one's self, OR trying to associate one's self with those who are seen as "higher".
Narcissism craves attention,  admiration, an audience, and compliance, not equable connection.
Narcissism feels uncomfortable when it feels like it "has to" listen to someone ELSE, especially if it wants that person to be their designated audience, caretaker, sidekick, or to be "lower status".
When Narcissism sees someone else doing well, displaying talent, showing skill or knowledge, or looks happy and confident, it feels resentment, envy, intimidation, or a loss of control. It may even feel hatred. Narcissism needs to be the one who is in control, the one who is seen as MORE~ the one who is smartest, the most capable, the most beautiful, or the most talented. Narcissism doesn't do things WITH others, it doesn't care about "kindred spirits"; it doesn't feel inspired that you're a singer too, or an artist too, or that you're also into science, or love animals, or also a writer, or also a parent. Narcissism instead sees you as either a threat to their spotlight, or as some kind of "wanna-be", or even a sycophant. Unless you are someone they see as "above" or "elite", Narcissism does not want to hear your point of view and is not interested in doing anything WITH you. If you are going to be around Narcissism, you are expected to let THEM be the "one in charge", the one who gets the attention from others, the one who is liked and admired MORE THAN you. It can't even be equal, it has to be them getting more attention, admiration, and adulation.
If Narcissism doesn't get to be the star, the boss, the one in control, the one who is MORE SKILLED, more experienced, knowledgeable, capable, or intelligent, the one who is seen as innocent and above reproach, the one who is above the "rules" (too cool for school), the one who is RIGHT and righteous all the time, no matter what, then they can become angry, hostile, and resentful. Sometimes even dangerous, and are not above "retaliation" for their feelings. Narcissism sees all of their feelings as being CAUSED BY other people and things.

Narcissism ONLY feels "good" about their own skills, abilities, or talent if there is someone to put down, someone to tear down, someone to compare themselves to, someone they can control, or someone praising them profusely or showing adulation.

Self-confidence is definitely not the same as Narcissism.

Prejudice Toward BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

There is a weird, pervasive prejudice in the "psychiatric field" against those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Try googling "prejudice against BPD" and see how m...any entries there are, it's a real problem.
Any kind of prejudice against an entire "group" of people is actually a narcissistic trait that is common in humans; it's that tendency to create cliques, which is from the FEAR OF being seen as "other". So people who are prejudiced against BPD may actually FEAR that THEY have BPD, and fear others noticing it, so they make a lot of noise making sure everyone knows they're NOT "one of THOSE people".
The mental health, caregiver, and medical fields are of course the LAST place that prejudice should be found. But it's actually quite prevalent, and can prove to be very damaging. I have witnessed for myself people who were relatively calm and quite functional folks get medicated to high heaven after being diagnosed with BPD; one woman I knew died of kidney failure, another (21 year old) who developed severe kidney stones had her medication changed which caused an immediate increase and severity in her self-harm, which her "team" refused to acknowledge, and began to give her ECT. She doesn't seem to remember me anymore. Her family is highly dysfunctional with obvious narcissism with delusions, and also alcoholism, but her "team" refused to acknowledge that, too, it was "all her".
I could list many more examples just that I have witnessed personally.
This problem is, of course, the most pervasive with the less mature and less professionally minded. The less emotionally mature a "professional" is, and the more narcissistic, the more likely he or she is to harbor this prejudice, and therefore fail to perform their job with objectivity or professionalism.
Prejudice is prejudice; those with racism will of course be less professional to targets of their prejudice, those with sexism will be less professional toward targets of that prejudice, etc. It can be seen, and does exist, in every single vocation, the psychiatric and medical fields are no exception.
Here is one person's experience witnessing this: 

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/institutionalised-discrimination-borderline-personality-disorder

Do The GOOD That Makes You Feel Good

You feel like you've lost your personality, or a big chunk of who you are. You feel like you don't know how to feel good about yourself anymore, like you've lost that ability forever.

Here's what may have happened: Narcissistic abusers, regardless of the relationship, will convince a target that they don't have those parts of their personality that used to make them feel good, that used to contribute to their self-esteem and confidence.

So if helping others used to help you feel good about yourself, that's what a narcissist will try to take away, and convince you that you were never actually a person who helped others, that it was all in your head, that you didn't do anything real to help anyone. They may even convince you that you were actually harming those you helped, or that you were only doing it to get attention and praise (even if you actually got nothing of the sort, or very little).
A narcissist will also try to place a fear/anxiety "switch" in your subconscious that will activate when you go to help anyone else.

The narcissist doesn't want you to help others; that would take your attention, time, energy, and resources away from THEM. It would also contribute to helping someone in a real sense, which means someone else is receiving a benefit from you. It would also contribute to your normal self-esteem and confidence; it's part of who you are, so you're fulfilling your own goals and carrying out your own ideas and plans. Other people might see how valuable your efforts are, and that would draw them to you, giving you more allies and increasing your good reputation. The better light more people see you in, the less control any narcissist has over you. Also, they fear that others might compare you to the narcissist, and find that they think more highly of you, and ostracize them (paranoia, projection). All of these things upset and scare a narcissist who is connected to you, and can make them feel left behind if they have abandonment issues as well. Fear makes narcissists anxious and angry, so they must put a stop to the source of their fear.

You also have probably helped the narcissist on many occasions and got nothing back but criticism, or a total lack of acknowledgement. This treatment can do a lot of damage to our motivation to help others when they need it, and can bury the feeling of joy we get when we can see some result from our efforts. It can make us CYNICAL, or worse. It can even turn us on ourselves, in a literal way; when we need something, we can refuse to give it to ourselves, and refuse to ask anyone else as well for fear of being denied. So we don't get our needs met, and we don't get the needed self-esteem boost from doing something effective.

How can we cure this?!?
One step toward healing this can be helping someone ELSE, or something else, other than the narcissist, outside of our usual patterns and people, and other than ourselves for now. If we have children, we can do something to help them, even if it's something small like helping them with something that is good for their future, or opening a savings account, or looking into lessons and further academics. We can help another relative, or a neighbor, or a total stranger. Even if we need to keep it secret, we can do this. We can do little things or bigger things, and we can keep doing them until we can FEEL it again.

Do what used to make you feel good about yourself, do try to remember. Your subconscious remembers all of it, it's in there.

How To End Sexism

The way to end sexism is not to try to convince people who are sexist to stop being sexist, they're too far gone, it's a waste of time and energy, much like teaching a pig to sing. The way to end it is for women who have awareness to stop competing against one another, start supporting one another instead of vying and triangulating to gain acceptance and approval from others, and stop teaching children to have sex bias just so they'll fit in with our own ego and insecurity issues. Of course, it may be an impossible task; it would take a majority of mature and emotionally secure human beings to accomplish such a paradigm shift in human behavior. Too many will throw their own relatives under a bus if they think it will improve their own lot, they don't want fairness for others, only for themselves, which of course means no one gets fairness, but try to explain that.

Women must wake up and take their own reins, and comfort their own kind, and stop competing with their neighbors, mothers, sisters, cousins, daughters, and coworkers for male attention and approval. Stop this believing that males hold all the power and we have to go THROUGH THEM to get our needs met. We don't need to go through males for anything, and therefore there's no need to tear them apart. We need to get our needs met ourselves, but when we compete against other women all the time, refusing to support them, refusing to bond with them, constantly judging and denying them the support that we lavish on men we don't even know, denying them credit and respect, even our own family members, then we get what we deserve.

Don't whine about sexism and then trash the next pretty girl you see. Don't complain about how men hold all the power when you wouldn't lift a finger to support another woman who just might know something you don't, or have a skill or talent that you don't, or who some guy might look at. Women are the real cause of sexism, we are the ones who RAISE CHILDREN.

IT IS UP TO WOMEN TO MODEL RESPECT FOR WOMEN IN SOCIETY.

Kinds Of Narcissism

There are many levels of "Narcissism". As a disorder, it's a "spectrum" disorder. A person can be extremely narcissistic, or just enough to make life with them more difficult because their behavior is childish. A person can definitely be narcissistic, or even have the disorder, without actually being a sociopath or a psychopath, and it's actually pretty common. Sociopaths don't operate with the same emotional reactions, so they don't actually do some of the behaviors found in most Narcissists. They're not going to go around backstabbing someone every time they feel left out or their ego gets pinched; they aren't that reactive. They have goals in mind, and they try to meet those goals however they can, over and through others. The reason they'll backstab is to cover their tracks and destroy the target's credibility. It's not the same thing as the reactive kind of gossip that most Narcissistic people spread around, trying to get attention, sympathy, and admiration by tearing someone else down. The sociopath's goal is more often tangible, they want something specific, whatever that may be, and they will do whatever it takes to get it, preferable without drawing attention to themselves. They don't want to get caught, because that would STOP THEM from getting what they want. Picture a person who gets a job in a bank and purposely becomes a model employee, JUST SO he or she can eventually gain access to the keys to the safe. That's their goal; they may become very angry when their plan is thwarted, but not so much with social issues. They couldn't care less about who is having lunch with whom, or who is having an affair with whom, or anything else social. They want those keys, they will kiss as much butt as they need to to get them. After they've gotten what they wanted from the vault, they'll probably skip town, and blow off every person they pretended to be "friends" with. These are the kind of Narcissists who are always "in charge" because they are single-minded and focused; they purposely focus on gaining power (on a personal scale all the way to the highest government positions) so they can get access to what they want.

Histrionic Narcissists, on the other hand, are all about social interaction. It's their main supply, so it's their main focus. They want attention and approval, assistance, sympathy, and more sympathy, and admiration. Not the same as acknowledgment and recognition. They don't want people to simply acknowledge their accomplishments, or support them in their endeavors, or assist them when they need it, all of which are normal and healthy human needs (that Narcissists withhold on purpose)... they want to be THE GREATEST one, the MOST BEAUTIFUL one, the MOST HANDSOME one, the SMARTEST, the BEST, the SWEETEST, the MOST DESERVING, the ONE WHO SHOULD GET ALL THE SYMPATHY and HELP because they are the STAR of this family, this community, this school, this business, this circle of friends. And WOE to anyone who seems like competition to them!!!

And then there is the very, very common Narcissism that is seen every day in this modern era: the defensive, brooding, domination-oriented, trying to "prove" that I'm tough enough, cool enough, tougher than YOU, better and more deserving than you, knock down anything others are trying to accomplish, knock down others for any reason whatsoever, especially if they seem confident, bright, happy, or motivated. Trying to make a target stop believing in themselves, trying to make a target the focus of a petty and sad smear campaign that rarely has anything to do with reality. Using sarcasm, sabotage, ostracism, and triangulation against anyone who DARES to veer anywhere near the person's fragile ego, or against anyone who seems like they might know more or get more attention. This kind is often learned from the community one lives in and is exacerbated dramatically by a bully-culture. Constantly putting others down, judging, trying to find excuses to exclude others and make cliques, trying to build one's image up so it's "above" others, treating even members of one's own family, and total strangers like "second-class citizens" or like they're stupid or crazy, attacking"friends" and family every time they talk about anything, especially political or religious. This current epidemic, like other cycles in history, is most likely the result of growing up in a dysfunctional culture filled with bigotry, sexism, racism, a lack of ethics, a lack of critical thinking being taught, and widespread corruption.

There are many more levels and versions of Narcissism, and it manifests in many ways; the common denominator is simply a lack of interest in the well-being of others mostly due to an overwhelming focus on the self. Some are very dangerous, some not so much; it is important to know the difference as members of society, and when we are trying to heal, and when there are children involved.

Pain, Pain, Go Away!

One of the most difficult things to grasp for many, or most, people, is that the source of pain is within.
The causes of the pain and anger we feel may have been external, but the source of the pain and anger is our own. We are the generators of our own pain and anger.

We are also the generators of our own annoyance, our own frustration, and our own defensiveness.
When we tell someone to "Lighten up!" because they're expressing their frustration emotions, it's because WE are having an emotional reaction.
When we tell someone to stop complaining, quit whining, get a thicker skin, when we tell them to stop talking about a particular topic or stop standing up for themselves or others, we are expressing OUR emotional reaction, we are trying to make them stop because of OUR emotions. It's not about them at all.

This is why something that enrages one person does not seem to anger another much at all, regardless of how "wrong" the thing is, or how trivial. Every single one of us is unique, unlike any other, regarding the external reasons that we generate feelings of pain and anger, or joy and sadness. Some of these things we seem to have in common, but it is not a cook-cutter stamp, no two people have the same exact emotional reactions to the same things, or the same intensity of emotional reaction either. (We humans do like to mimic one another's emotional responses to feel more like a cohesive group, but the underlying uniqueness remains, like fingerprints.)
The pain we feel comes from within our own bodies, our own brains, our own spirits. We are the one with the key to the room where the pain is coming from.
Sometimes our pain won't seem to go away because we are in a loop. We may feel anger, shame, or guilt about something someone else did, or something we did, or something that we feel responsible for, or something that happened, or something we feel like we could have and should have prevented but couldn't, or didn't.
We can get in a loop of trying to get away from the pain, trying to make someone else take our pain away, trying to use something to make it go away. But when we realize that the pain comes from within ourselves, we can then realize that we are the ones who have the power to heal it, not by avoiding it, not by sending someone else in to shield us from it, not by spraying it down with chemicals. But by unlocking the door and shining a light on the cause of the pain so we can see what it is.

Once we look at it, directly, we can see that it's not bigger than we are. It can't be, it's within us. Nothing bigger can fit inside of something else, everything inside of something has to be smaller than the container it's in.

We've been running away from a monster that's really more the like the size of a raccoon, or even smaller, like a frightened rabbit, or even smaller than that. Something we can overcome if we would simply open the door and look at it, stop trying to pretend it doesn't exist, stop locking it away in a closet, in the dark.

And then we can see that it's not going to be a losing battle, we will be able to forgive ourselves. And we will be able to forgive others. When we look directly at the source of the pain, instead of looking at it sideways with all kinds of malice and hostility, we can see that it's not nearly as big or bad as we thought, even if it really, really seems that way. It may be a cluster of smaller things that, behind the locked door, all scrabbling and screeching together, feel and sound like one big monster, but once we look, we see that it's just a whole bunch of little doggies who are making a huge racket, trying to escape, fighting with each other, tearing the room apart because they are frightened and upset.

We may want to bring a trusted friend with us when we unlock the door, or someone who is a neutral third party, like a healer or trusted counselor, so we have someone there with us to catch any extra small "monsters" that try to scurry out. Then we can look at them; some of them might just be frightened, or feel shame or guilt, or feel deeply frustrated, but they have been screeching and running around, jumping off the walls inside of that room so much that we have been afraid to unlock the door and look in.
The first step is realizing that the source is within. 

<2m p="">

Robert Alter On Relationship Problems

Robert Alter says most men aren’t interested in connecting with their wives: Read more by clicking this.

Why Fear Is Important To Bullies And Controllers

All bullies seek to increase a target's FEAR and anxiety.

What do they want a target to be afraid of?

>Doing things they enjoy, doing things they like or love.
(Such as caring for animals, wood crafting, creative projects, music, acting, writing, restoring antiques, gourmet cooking, inventing, starting a business, studying our favorite interests, etc, etc.)
When we do what we enjoy, when we do what we love, we feel good inside. When we feel good inside, we are happier. When we are happier, we feel and also exude more confidence. When we feel more confident, we are more independent, and are more able to do more things, and accomplish more. When we exude confidence, we are less socially anxious, and more likely to draw allies.
The bully tries to prevent the first step in this process from happening, thereby preventing the entire process.

>Feeling like they "belong", like they're a full, regular, accepted member of the family or community, classroom, or work place. When one feels accepted and comfortable in "belonging", then one is not self-conscious, and does not suffer self-doubt. When one does not suffer self-doubt and anxiety, then one is much more able to meet goals, make progress, feel happy, and accomplish wonderful things.
Bullies often try to convince a target that they should be worried about what others are thinking about them, and that they should not feel comfortable in the company of others because they are not welcome or wanted.

>Being seen or heard by others.
In groups where bullies are present, targets get singled out, and the things they do and say are magnified and cast in a negative light, no matter what they are. A target's dance lessons will be magnified and cast in a negative light. A target's good grades will be cast in a negative light. The bicycle or car that a target has will be put under a microscope; the target's relationships with others will be scrutinized and twisted; the target's accomplishments, aspirations, and plans will be "faulted". Even the target's hair, clothing, face, body, weight, height, and voice, even facial expressions, will be magnified, scrutinized, and faulted to a ridiculous degree, and the target will be verbally criticized, assaulted, ridiculed, sometimes even threatened. (A person who is NOT a target, who does exactly the same things as the target, or who even does illegal or immoral things, will NOT be scrutinized or criticized.)
It's not about the actual things the target is doing or not doing; it's all about trying to get the target (and those around the target) to believe there's something WRONG with the target, and that this person should be singled out and criticized, and shut down.
(The motives for shutting down a target, for bullies, are always the same; envy, intimidation, fear of exposure, fear of loss of control over others. Sometimes there are other elements: insecurity and fear of abandonment, fear of GETTING bullied and singled out, but that is almost always the result of some kind of trauma in the person's past that they have not healed from or gotten "closure" from).

>Feeling confidence; conducting themselves in a confident manner.
Not OVER-confidence, just normal, healthy confidence; the kind all humans need to have a healthy functioning life. If I feel confident, I show it. When I show it, more people will believe I'm capable and intelligent. More people will like me and listen to what I have to say.
This is human behavior 101; humans gravitate toward those who display confidence and away from those who don't (regardless of whether the person actually knows what they're doing or not.). Humans usually align themselves with those who APPEAR confident, and eschew those who do not appear confident. Humans tend to BELIEVE those who appear confident (regardless of the person's actual knowledge), and tend to DISBELIEVE those who do not (regardless of the person's actual knowledge).
So if a bully can get me to FEAR DISPLAYING CONFIDENCE, or FEAR behaving in a confident manner, then I will have far fewer ALLIES. Not because I don't DESERVE allies, but because of the human tendency to follow those who have an appearance of confidence.
This serves the bully in lots of ways, including knocking me out of what they perceive as a "competition" for allies and admirers. It also serves the bully in their goal for control over me; the fewer allies I have, the fewer people I will have standing up for me against the bully. The fewer allies I have, the fewer eyes there will be who see what's going on, or who will care. It also gets the bully MORE allies, because the bully then appears to be the one who is the most confident, and therefore the one who appears knowledgeable and capable, and innocent of wrongdoing.

>Learning new things.
When we learn new things, and we know that we learned them, our self-confidence increases. We feel stronger, more intelligent, and more independent. When our confidence increases, we feel less dependent on others, and are therefore not as controllable. We also are more likely to believe our own eyes and ears regarding what others are doing.

>Learning how to do certain tasks.
If I know how to cook my own meals, or work on my own car, or repair my own clothes, grow my own vegetables, cut my own hair, repair or build my own house, then no one has LEVERAGE over me who does know how to do these things (or pretends to know). I am not beholden to someone else to do these things FOR me. I will not be fooled by someone who is trying to con me, or who doesn't really know what they're doing. I don't have to wait around for someone else, or pay someone else, or accept a shoddy job. If I know how to cook my own meals, I can feed myself, and I don't NEED anyone else to cook for me, therefore I will be less likely to put up with any untoward behavior from a person who is cooking my meals for me.

>Doing/performing certain tasks.
If a bully sees me changing my own tire, they are very likely to come up to me and do something like criticize me, try to point out "mistakes", or try to take over. They may even try to physically take the tire iron out of my hand without my permission (space invader, controller).
They will NOT simply help me if I request it like they would for someone else who they weren't trying to dominate. In other words, if I ask them to hold the tire iron, they won't do that, they'll just take it and do whatever they want. Bullies want to be "ABOVE" certain others, ALL THE TIME, and they frequently use tasks and jobs as a method to meet this goal. YOU can't know how to change your own tire, only I AND THOSE WHO ARE LIKE ME can do that. It's TOO HARD for YOU, WE'RE the only ones smart enough and strong enough to be able to do that. (Sounds like adolescence because that's the developmental stage it's from.)
So every time a target goes to perform certain tasks or activities (they can be anything at all, from changing a tire to playing guitar to digging a ditch), a bully swoops in and criticizes, micromanages, bosses, sabotages, blocks, puts themselves IN IT somehow and causes the task to become very stressful for the target. Bullies will go to far lengths to block targets from performing certain jobs, tasks, and activities, including physically blocking them from doing it in whatever way they can.
(It's important to note that bullies will also redirect to others, so if a bully who does NOT know how to change a tire were to see me changing mine, they would STILL try to get me to stop by criticizing, trying to point out "mistakes", trying to convince me that I "can't" do it, that I'm not capable. They are even likely to get someone else to help them with their bullying, such as someone who does know how to change a tire~ send the person over to finish the bully-job and get me away from what I'm doing, any way they can. They MUST stop me from completing my task and proving that I am actually capable of it, which might result in increasing my own confidence, and increasing the confidence OTHERS have in my capability.)

>Expressing emotions, thoughts, observations, and opinions out loud, especially where others can see or hear. In groups where controllers are present, a kind of "hierarchy" is created by them. This can be seen in humans and other primates. Freely expressing one's self is actually a PRIVILEGE that only those with high status are "allowed" in such groups. So, even laughing loudly is often "stamped out" by those who are vying for control positions within the group. ALSO~ freely expressing one's self is a DISPLAY of confidence, which, as previously mentioned, draws attention and allies.
Thoughts, observations, and opinions are kept under careful watch and scrutiny, lest someone else hears them and starts thinking for themselves, or seeing that the Controllers are not the only knowledgeable or skilled ones in the group. When several in the group become more aware, any Controllers are more likely to be noticed, and lose their "edge" they have over others.

>Feeling RELAXED.
When a bully notices that a target seems relaxed, they will often immediately do something to disturb the target, trying to cause some form of anxiety or fear either directly, or in the surrounding atmosphere.

>Concentrating.
A target is often disturbed somehow by nearby Controllers any time they appear to be doing something that requires their full attention, or when they are concentrating intently on something, or when they are trying to accomplish something large or small. Anything from studying, to creative projects, to scientific observation, to business, to conversations with others, to personal accounting (paying bills), or just going out to do something.
It's common for students who are trying to study to be frequently disturbed by either family members or classmates, which can and does cause them to lose their concentration, and costs them on exams and in their education in general.
Controllers will disturb, interrupt, cause crises, sabotage, or bully a target any time they are trying to get something done. Some will even physically damage, ruin, or move, hide, or take something the target is working on or using.
This habitual interruption can also cause health problems for the target, even mental and emotional problems such as stress and memory issues, never mind time, scheduling, and social interaction problems, all of which can result in serious problems at school and work for the target. Therefore the bully's goals are met.

>Autonomy, and behaving like a free adult who does not need permission from others to act or do.
One of the most common Controller tactics is to try to make a target arrange their schedule around others' schedules, often changing plans at the last minute on the target, or not showing up, or saying there were plans when there wasn't, or leaving them out purposely to "teach them a lesson". Controllers also will often try to delay or wreck plans of a target, whether they are included in those plans or not. The Controller's goal is not to DO an activity, but to control the target. The actual activity or plan is secondary; it's a tool, an opportunity to assert control, it's not the goal. Controllers seem to enjoy having a target wait for them, having a target come TO THEM, they will rarely go TO a target; getting a target to do something other than what the target wanted to do; standing a target up completely, and then justifying their behavior. This is all training. We all show others how to treat us, and Controllers are no exception; they are intent on establishing dominance and "higher status" over a target, in the target's mind, and in anyone else's mind who will buy into it~ that is the only way they can stay in control.

Controllers are not interested in equally balanced, give and take, reciprocal, respectful friendships or acquaintances. They may not know how to be in one, they may never had had the opportunity to experience this in their childhoods. They see others as either below them or above them, not as equals who have learned different things and have different and varied abilities. They mostly see others as either a threat to their imagined "status" (which is real if others are playing along), or as someone they can dominate. When we know where they're coming from, we can be more prepared to deal with their behavior, or avoid them.