Easy Red Flag For Spotting Narcissism Or Controllers

Treating you like you don't know something, or are inexperienced, physically weaker, less intelligent, or less aware than themselves. Talking "down" to you. Speaking to you as if they are an adult or a "master", and you are a child or a "beginner".

They will often mask this with smiles and sweetness, so it can be easy to miss with the more socially savvy Narcissists. But you'll catch it if you pay attention.

Basic protection 101: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE you have not truly gotten to know over a good period of time, and from many direct interactions between them and you. Lots of time and lots of interaction is how we build mutual trust, and find out what a person is really like, from a safe distance. If they are healthy mentally and emotionally, they will be doing the same thing, they won't be trying to invade your boundaries, tell you what to do, judge you, or control you (that would be a flag).
Hormones interfere with this process because we are biological creatures who's subconscious seeks to reproduce more human beings, and we actually SHUT DOWN our own processes of learning about other people, and getting to know who and what they really are (both male and female, and it happens regarding all relationships, not just romantic)
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Pee Wee Herman Had It Right! Narcissists Don't Want To Hear Your Complaints (But Love Their Own)

Narcissists are all about how THEY get treated by others, but seem oblivious to the way others get treated.
They are very watchful and even hyper-sensitive to the way others treat them and interact with one another; if you had a conversation about it with one they might seem very empathetic and aware. However, start talking about how someone treated YOU, and you will see quite a different reactio...n.
They often interpret the behavior of others to be disrespectful, hostile, unfair or abusive toward them, often when it was quite the opposite, and they often project all kinds of negative connotations and intentions on what others say and do, especially if the person is someone they ENVY or FEAR.

However! Let someone they consider "below them" talk about unfairness, disrespect, injustice or crime toward them, and the reaction will be complete invalidation and rejection, no matter what the incident or situation was, or how severe the behavior. The Narcissist will metaphorically put his or her hands over their ears and go "Lalalalalaa!" like Paul Reubens used to do. 

No matter what the situation was, or what the events were, Narcissists will almost always blame the victim or target, unless they have something to gain by sympathizing with the victim.

So when your Narc. friend doesn't seem to care how his or her other friends or family members treat you, it's because he/she DOESN"T CARE.

To stand up for you would be too much work, and you're not worth that to a Narc. It wouldn't GAIN THEM anything, which is very important, and it might actually COST them something, like status, position, or admiration. They also might be afraid of those people, since it's not uncommon for Narcissists to have the same pattern as Narc. targets in choosing "friends" and partners; their associates might also be Narcs who are just waiting for an excuse to 'bite'. And further, the odds are that they are actually enjoying the fact that you are getting treated with disrespect.

The Narcissist can't do checks and balances.
He or she is not going to say "Hey all your friends and acquaintances treat me with respect and kindness, but many of mine treat you with total disdain or disrespect, that's not fair!"

They aren't going to say "Hey you are always polite and considerate to me, and keep your word to me, and help me when I ask. I respect you for that, and I will also treat you with the same consideration and respect."

They aren't going to say "Hey I noticed that waitress, clerk, salesperson, or other person treated me with respect, but treated you with DISRESPECT."

They don't CARE, and they probably LIKE IT anyway, because they see it as them getting elevated and you getting "kept in your place."
(Narcissists are usually obsessed with 'hierarchy' and feel GOOD when a person treats them better than someone else, even what the person being disrespected is their own child, friend, partner, or relative. It reaffirms their feeling of self-importance, which is what they substitute for their missing self-esteem.)

Categorizing Human Beings

Labeling, categorizing, and grouping is good for those with Narcissistic agendas.

Another product of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, whether it was family or community, is being 'taught' that people belong in CATEGORIES. This categorizing puts people in GROUPS, and FORGETS that they are individual human beings.

The "rich people", the "poor people", the "criminal people", the "churc...h people", the "politician people", etc, etc.

People also get categorized by race and sex.

Other CATEGORY groups can include "druggies", "yuppies", "working stiffs", "bikers", "preps", "gangbangers", "hippies", "ruling class", "losers", "winners", ~ the list goes on and on.

Entire generations get labels put on them, usually by someone who is NOT part of that generation; someone who has no way to know what the individuals in that age group experienced growing up. (Narcissists believe they can see completely from someone else's point of view, and also see everything there is to see about any given subject; it doesn't occur to them that they CAN'T.)

This habit of categorizing people is simply the brain's way to turn people into members of groups, and ignore their individuality, making it easier for the mind to deal with all the different people around us. The brain simply DELETES REAL information about other people, and wraps them in an easy-to-swallow story that feels good to the ego.

On the other side of this same coin, people often put THEMSELVES in groups in order to FIT IN, to be seen as a certain "KIND" of person, and to be accepted by their community AND/OR their peers. Often the goal includes being admired or respected above others. ("I am one of THESE people, so you should respect/admire/fear/accept me, and therefore automatically give me better treatment").

A large majority of people will automatically treat others differently if they think they're part of a GROUP, (any group, even as simple as sex or race), for GOOD or for ILL.
Also, members of any group will usually treat a member differently than a non-member.
The less secure individuals feel in a given community or group, the MORE they behave this way.

The more Narcissists there are in a given area, the more common it is for the people in the area to put group labels on other people. Also, the more likely people in that area will try to make themselves known as belonging to a certain group, because it affords some protection from Narcissist targeting (any kind of group at all, from the Masons to the Junior League, to the Tennis Club, to organized crime groups, to the local gang, to less organized cliques and groups where everyone dresses similarly, talks similarly, and does the same activities). Narcissists are less likely to target individuals who appear to have some kind of support network, and human beings LEARN THIS while they're growing up, even if they're not consciously aware of it.

Ironically... the increase in an area of people seeking to be seen as part of a group, and labeling other people, actually makes it EASIER for Narcissists to keep control in that area. Each group, large or small, has a leader, and that's what Narcissists do best, control other people. If there is a Narc. in the group, he or she WILL try to take the Leader position, regardless of their actual level (or lack thereof) of experience, knowledge, or ability.

To combat the ease of which Narcissists gain control, we can start with ourselves by becoming more vigilant about labeling and grouping others, and about labeling and grouping ourselves. When we aren't doing it anymore, when we start remembering that each person is an INDIVIDUAL, and not merely a member of a category or group, then we can teach and model this for others, especially children.

When Narcissists are around, the real abilities, behaviors, and character of all individuals get covered up and buried, so that Narcissists can end up looking like the most capable, the most noble, the most innocent, and the most intelligent. Those who the Narcissists are competing with get painted as incapable, weak, unstable, and untrustworthy. So, when EVERYONE is recognized as an individual person by the majority, and not some kind of clone that fits into a certain group, then the real abilities and capabilities can be seen by all, AS WELL AS the real agendas and behaviors.

Male-Biased Culture Is Not Good For Boys Either

Denying that Western culture is heavily male-biased is just a symptom of the bias-conditioning itself, and contributes greatly to the Narcissism epidemic. It's not "feminism" or "fem-nazi-ism", or any other "ism", it's just reality. And it's not good for either boys or girls~ bias is imbalance, pure and simple, and that means the entire society is thrown off. Imbalance creates MORE imbalance, especially when it's denied.

If the local high schools' sports programs are focused more on boys' sports, that's male bias.

When the local newspaper covers more boys' and men's sports stories than girls' and women's sports stories, that's male bias.

These are not private little groups, they are public, and they heavily influence the entire lives of ALL of the youth, and the adults as well - both men and women, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives.

There are hundreds if not thousands of similar examples in both public and private groups, organizations, and businesses. However as with any kind of bias that's baked into the subconscious, most people can't even MAKE themselves look at it in any kind of direct, non-defensive or non-emotional way, the way they look at their financial statements, clean their kitchen, or solve a problem at work.

Bias FOR one sex over the other in a culture means a very important thing~ that children must SPLIT their own identities, and are being told to REJECT one parent, and FAVOR the other. And the same with all other members of their family, and anyone else in their community. Healthy children in healthy families identify with BOTH parents, and internalize all members of their family as part of "who they are". Sex bias HAS TO result in the  rejecting and diminishing of those who are cast into the "lesser" role, which results in the SPLITTING of the SELF.

When the child becomes aware that their community sees the members of one sex as "lesser" than the other, both the male and female child go into a crisis of identity; the male child suddenly feels that he must DISTANCE himself from his own identity with his Mother, which, like all babies who's mother was their primary caregiver, is an integral and internal part of his SELF, his OWN identity. He feels the need to distance and separate himself from other female relatives as well, and other females he looked up to, or was good friends with, in order to preserve his feelings of SELF WORTH. He is told he must CHOOSE males over females, and he must CHANGE HIMSELF and PROVE that he is "one of the males" and NOT "one of the females".
Obviously this wreaks all kinds of havoc on the poor child's sense of who he is, and who his family is. It is implied very strongly that he should ONLY "follow" and listen to males, and that he can compensate for this painful and abrupt forced identity change by taking out his negative feelings on females, as if they are to blame for his pain and discomfort; even the ones he previously deeply respected.
This is not "natural", it's agenda-based, and it causes serious problems for the child, and in society in general, as we can clearly see just by turning on the news.

For the female child, her identity crisis is a shocking realization that she is a member of the group that is being cast as "lesser" by a large majority of the humans around her. To further this shock, she also finds out that most of those who she relies on and loves are NOT standing up for her against this phenomenal, incredible imbalance and injustice. She must come to the realization that her own mother is being cast as "lesser", and that her own father is quite likely one of the people who are perpetuating this frightening culture-wide anti-female bias, if not by actively doing it, then by refusing to stand up against it when he encounters it, or when it happens to her directly, and by going along with it.
One of the things she must change about herself in order to remain accepted as "normal' in such a culture is to LET PEOPLE treat her as "lesser", and adapt different behaviors that are not natural to a healthy and confident human being. Behaviors such as submission, deference, feigning ignorance, letting others "win", bowing out of competition and debate, backing away from challenges, learning, and activities. Many female children change themselves from being a strong, confident, optimistic, activity and task-oriented child to mimicking other females who seem to get treated with more favorable attention by others, especailly by adults, and by boys. This behavior often entails a 180 degree switch, which is of course unhealthy for anyone.
Amazingly, few adults seem to "take notice" of this switch, but instead completely deny and ignore what's really happening, and call female adolescents "moody", "stubborn", and "headstrong". They will even complain about, fight with, and seek psychiatric help for their young female family member or student, but seem to have NO interest in what's really causing any of it.They seem fixated on blaming the female child, which apparently allows them to deny any and all external events that are and have happened TO the female child.

The level of this IDENTITY CRISIS and SPLITTING in children of course varies from culture to culture, depending on the severity of the bias and anti-bias in each culture. 

Who keeps this bias going? BOTH men and women who like the way things are because it keeps them feeling powerful. In male-biased societies, both men and women who seek and maintain power like to keep the "status quo" going, because it allows them to lord over half the population.

WHY do they keep these particular sex-biases going? There are several reasons, none of which are based on the well-being of the children, or their healthy development.
It is based on what CONTROLLERS want the children to end up doing FOR THEM when they grow up. So, boys who are shamed for being anything other than "tough", "fast", or "uncaring" make excellent work-horses, and better soldiers. Being conditioned to FIT IN with other males means they will feel compelled to keep the approval of their group. Being conditioned to ONLY LISTEN TO AND FOLLOW MALE LEADERS means they will DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD when a man gives them orders and instructions, and will NOT LISTEN when ANY woman gives them INFORMATION. Therefore they will follow a MAN OFF OF A CLIFF and IGNORE THE WOMAN WHO IS YELLING "STOP! DON'T FOLLOW HIM!" This conditioning dynamic can be clearly seen in groups such as organized crime; a son who has been conditioned to follow male "leadership", for example, and IGNORE females, is MUCH EASIER TO CONTROL, and will not listen to any of the women in his family, regardless of how much they know, or WHAT they know. A son who is conditioned in this way will want to "prove" that he is "worthy" of the approval of the males, and do what they tell him to do, even while his mother is clearly warning him about the REALITY of the males he's following because she knows first-hand what their intentions, motives and agendas are. He will ignore her, and follow them right into prison, and right into an extremely stressful TRAP of a life, with or without money.

Girls who are shamed for being anything other than "compliant", "submissive", "care taking" and "deferring" make excellent SIDE-KICKS for males who are being controlled by other males. They are much easier to control with social consequences and game playing, and fear standing up for themselves or for others. This means they will FILL JOBS for LOW PAY, especially jobs that others don't want to do. They will fill care-taker jobs regardless of what their REAL interests are, and regardless of their original career trajectory. They will abandon interests that are labeled "male" in order to avoid consequences such as belittling, rejection, and bullying, leaving those jobs open for males, who have been conditioned to do what they're told by other males.

Both girls and boys are conditioned to see females as "Lesser", therefore BOTH women and men reject receiving information and instruction from females quite often, and will listen to and believe males very quickly and easily, often without any basis other than the fact that their male. (You can test this on yourself if you're able to remain objective and really pay attention, most of us have been conditioned in this way). Both women and men try much harder to dominate females in all kinds of ways, from socially to physically to business to raising children, because of this conditioning.
Both will avoid confrontation, disagreement, or non-compliance with males (regarding anything) about ten times more often than they will avoid them with females, and physical size (both height and weight) also increase the likelihood of avoidance. 

BOTH male and female Controllers benefit from male-biased cultures.
~Most males know they will automatically be favored over the majority of females by BOTH men and women on a general basis. This means they will be listened to and BELIEVED over females, they will get more positive attention, credit, applause, and support from both men and women, they will have access to more resources, more business, and more "back-room perks". They have access to more supportive groups and clubs (if they want to join them).
Their competition in business and in social acceptance is cut IN HALF, right from the get-go. They know if they stay inside of Male groups (especially in business), they will not have to compete against females, because females are kept out. (This is the spot where those who benefit from male-bias will argue that there are "legitimate reasons" for keeping females out of whatever group~)

~Female Controllers know that they can easily sabotage, manipulate, and dominate other females they target, because females do not have the same support as males in the community, or even in many families. The likelihood of being stood up against or receiving negative consequences is very small, so it's relatively safe and easy.
Female Controllers will often align themselves with males and receive some of the benefits of the male-biased culture BY PROXY.
They know this~ and they don't want it to change.
Why? Because being SECOND to the "Leader" is better than being the "Leader" for a Controller, because the second-in-command can use the Leader as a SHIELD,  can hide behind the Leader, can pretend to be as knowledgeable, as strong, and as experienced as this Leader. The Second In Command can use the influence, control, and bias the Leader has over others as her own, especially over other FEMALES. History actually shows that male leaders are more likely to allow a Second In Command person (usually MALE) to pull strings, manipulate, and carry out agendas than female leaders, which is also a very important reason that Controllers would RATHER have a male Leader than a female Leader; they're apparently easier to manipulate.

It is RARE that males will stand up for females against female Control behavior, or against male Control behavior for that matter. The risk of losing status or favor often outweighs the care they have for female persons. Therefore in male-biased cultures, it's open season on females, because the only ones usually standing up for females against disrespect, injustice, unfairness, slander, sabotage, theft, mobbing, and even abuse is other females, and usually only those females who don't have Control, ego, or envy issues. Further, females who stand up for other females against any kind of disrespect or injustice often become an immediate target as well, so even less people are left to stand up~ only those who can stand to take the ostracism and attacking that comes with standing up for others.

Studies have shown that it is more often females than males who stand up against disrespect and attack on MALES as well. However, they are more likely to receive support from others, because it is, after all, a male who they are standing up for. In fact, Controller females will often USE this tactic purposely to gain favor from a male, and align herself with him. (Of course male Controllers sometimes use this tactic as well on females.)

ALL MALES are not guilty of perpetuating the male bias in cultures. There are plenty who see it for what it is, and do everything they can NOT to go along with it.
The tide is strong, however; there are many, many more people who will keep it going than stop it in this current era, just because their own comfort and status quo is their priority, and their fear of risking disapproval from others is too much for them.

US vs. THEM, Developmental Delays

The habit of judging others to be "lesser" is of course much used by those afflicted with Narcissism, and also those who don't have "NPD", but who have not matured past the stage of categorizing people.

"I am one of the Good People, he/she is one of those Other People"
"Winners or Losers"
"Strong or Weak"
"Smart or Stupid"
"Skilled or Unskilled"
"Leader or Follower"
"Boss or Subordinate"
"Sane or Crazy"
"Innocent or Guilty"
"Clean or Unclean"
"Superior or Inferior"
"Experienced or Inexperienced"
"Talented or Untalented"
"Deserving or Undeserving"
"Normal or Weird"
"Capable or Incapable"

Etc, etc, etc.

This categorizing and labeling of people into "good" or "bad" groups is actually a developmental stage in childhood, when children are noticing that there are differences between people. The desire to be ACCEPTED by their peers, by their family, and by the community is the driving force behind their labeling others and labeling themselves.
This development runs throughout youth, but seems to peak in adolescence.
"WE are the cool kids, THEY are the jerks"
"WE are the strong ones, THEY are weaker than we are"
"WE are capable, THEY are not"
"WE are stable and responsible, THEY are LOSERS"

In many cultures, unfortunately, this developmental stage becomes a part of the culture itself when adults don't grow out of it and continue to remain in this stage throughout much of their lives. Adults who conduct themselves in this way are not able to guide and model mature behavior to the youths around them, and instead demonstrate that this stage is (erroneously) part of adulthood.

Adults often get stuck in this stage for various reasons, one of which is obviously because some of the adults they grew up around were stuck there also. Other reasons (which are related to the first one) include atmospheres of micro-judgment, of gossip and backstabbing, of bullying, and of criminal behavior. In such atmospheres, the child may FEAR being categorized as OTHER, because there will be consequences if they are from the immature people around them. Being categorized as "NOT ONE OF US" can end up with severe consequences such as reputation destruction, ostracism, sabotage, and even criminal harassment, assault, and theft. The less maturity and more fear a certain group has (family, community, society), the more severe the consequences.

Adults who hammer children with their "US vs. THEM" personal issues, and teach children to identify themselves as GROUP MEMBERS (race, ancestry, class, gender, activities, religion, politics) instead of as INDIVIDUALS exacerbate this developmental delay tremendously.

Teaching youth that they are "better" because they are NOT "one of those other people" (sex, class, religion, etc.) does not actually raise self-esteem and confidence, but instead causes a feeling of separation, and frequently causes identity confusion, even self-loathing. It also substitutes arrogance for confidence.

Arrogance is not healthy for the person who carries it, but confidence is. Arrogance causes a person to think in terms of "I'm good only if I'm better than someone else", confidence is "I'm good, and I feel comfortable with myself, and I like to learn from others." Arrogance seeks weakness in others in order to feel strong; confidence notices when someone else might need help, but honestly feels no haughtiness about being stronger in something than another. Arrogance seeks to STAY stronger in something than another, and fears the other being stronger. Confidence likes it when another becomes stronger in themselves, even if they become "better at" something than them. Arrogance can only feel good and normal if it has someone to compare itself to. Confidence feels good and normal no matter what.

Three Blondes Walk Into A Bar

Anti-blonde prejudice and stereotyping is one of the most common examples of projection. The coincidence of anti-blond jokes and ridicule being so common that they're practically "normalized", combined with the fact that the most common hair color treatment is blonde, is too obvious to ignore.
Where does anti-blonde prejudice and desire to belittle come from, and why do people so adamantly deny that there's anything wrong with it? On the flip side, if having blonde hair means a person is not smart, or unstable, then why do so many people dye their hair blonde?
Why are human beings so fixated on something as superficial and simplistic as the color of a person's hair, especially when it's so easy to change?
What is the emotional issue that so many people have regarding this?

Narcissists Call Other People Narcissists

"She is so self-centered! All she does is sit there on her computer!"

"All he cares about is his wife and family! He never hangs out with us anymore!"

"She's gone all the time, she says she's taking photographs, always has that stupid camera with her."

"All he does is read and study, read and study. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee, life isn't about books and school."

"She thinks she's a writer!"
"He thinks he's some kind of artist!"
"She fancies herself an actress..."
"He thinks he's going to be a real lawyer someday."
"She thinks she's a real carpenter."
"They think they're real musicians."
"She thinks she's gonna be some kind of scientist... give me a break..."
"He thinks he's gonna go to Hollywood and be a stuntman, as if..."

"All they talk about is those stupid animals!"

"Look at them! They think they're so great!"

"She's always up in her room, she doesn't care about the rest of the family at all. Always sulking. And it's always 'poor me, poor me!' Like she's the first female who ever got touched by a boy or a man! Give me a break, 'rape'... please... And besides she brought it on herself, dressing like such a slut! She needs to grow up and stop being so self-centered!"

To a Narcissistic person, anyone who is doing something other than fulfilling their wishes and being at their beck and call, anyone who is actually doing something else besides being their audience, servant, constant companion, nursemaid, trophy, workhorse, assistant, sidekick, punching bag, or bank (depending on the individual's preferred supply) is a selfish, arrogant, controlling, abusive, neglectful. rebellious, self-centered brat. INCLUDING those who are physically ill, emotionally distressed (sad, afraid, worried, scared, anxious), or mentally compromised for any reason.

Some examples that demonstrate the severity of this:

A nurse who is angry and annoyed whenever a patient rings the call bell.
A teacher who becomes very annoyed whenever a student doesn't understand, or asks for extra help after class.
A husband who becomes annoyed and angry when his wife can't get out of bed and do her usual routine because she has a broken limb.
A parent who rages at their child for studying instead of making herself available for the parent's next command.
A psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor who rejects patients for not getting better, who gets annoyed or even angry at patients who don't respond to treatment "quickly enough", and who labels patients "fixable" or "not fixable".
A psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor or medical doctor who gets annoyed or angry when a client shows to have knowledge about or insight into psychology, psychiatry, or medical science.
A wife who becomes angry when her husband pays attention to their daughter.
A pet owner who gets genuinely angry at their pet (for whatever reason).
A parent who is annoyed or angry that their child spends time with friends (or has a romantic partner.)
A parent who is annoyed or angry that their child likes the other parent (or another adult) and wants to spend time with them. (In the absence of abuse and manipulation on the other adult's part.)
A parent who gets genuinely angry at their infant or small child.
A caregiver for the "mentally challenged" who gets annoyed and angry at their clients for not complying with their commands, for "making a mess", for complying with a schedule, or for expressing emotions, needs, or wants.
Any caregiver (including parents)who gets annoyed or angry with their charge for expressing emotions, physical pain, making requests, expressing opinions, or being ill.
A family member who is angry and annoyed at another family member because they show trauma symptoms from having been abused or traumatized.
A family member who is angry and annoyed at another family member who has physical illness or injury, because they are "disrupting the narcissistic person's life".
A family member or friend who is angry, annoyed, and disdainful toward an abuse victim who is trying to distance themselves from an abuser and/or trying to recover, because they LIKE the abuser and don't want to lose their own relationship with them, and don't want the abuser to get exposed or blamed.

Narcissists are literally only concerned with their own feelings, and whether they feel that they, personally, are gaining or losing something from any situation.

Therefore, to them, if a person is busy studying for an exam, it means that they are not available. Further, it also means that when they acquire that degree, they might be even less available.

If a person is on the stage performing, then they are not available for them. Further, their performance might outshine the Narcissists', and that can't happen.

If a person is working on a project, it means they are not available. And further, if the project turns out to be successful, all kinds of mayhem could happen, like success, recognition, more opportunities, more new people, all of which means that the person may end up become less available, and also less easy to control.

To a Narcissist, those who they have designated as targets (both in their personal lives and in the society at large) are actually perceived as "rebellious" and "self-centered" when they pursue anything that does not include serving the Narcissist's personal agenda, either on a personal level or on a wider societal level.

It is the same whether it's in the home, or whether it's found on a wider, cultural level.

Whoever is a designated target is discouraged from pursuing their own goals, and is not cared for, but is expected to care for others, as if it's they're Life Duty, the "station" they were born to. Targets are expected to do all of the care taking, care giving, and support, so that Narcissists are "free" to do whatever they desire (which they will always label as "more important", as a way to justify their agenda.)

Why They Don't Protect Or Help

Make no mistake~ Narcissists, regardless of their relationship with a target (parent, sibling, "friend", partner, coworker, relative, classmate, employer, etc.)
LIKE IT
when a target gets abused, manipulated, or neglected by someone else.
They will give an abusive person ACCESS to a target. They will set up a target to get exposed to abusive people. They will NOT stand up for a target against disrespect or abuse, they will stand aside and let it happen. They will LET others take a target's possessions, violate their personal space and boundaries, disrespect them (right in front of them even), and sabotage, backstab, threaten, trash, and manipulate them.

WHY? Because their goal is to weaken the target, and other people doing that work is of course much better than doing it themselves. They won't get blamed, for one, and they don't have to actually do anything except stand back. When the other person is done, the target is even more malleable and ripe for targeting than before. Also, they now have yet another ally in their "gang" against the target.
Of course their defense will always be blaming the target, calling the target "paranoid", or "emotional", or "controlling", or "bitchy", or a "dick", etc etc AD NAUSEUM. The facts remain, however, regardless of how they try to twist them in their favor and against the target.
Healthy people don't target others, period. They don't disrespect others, they don't invade their boundaries or their space, they don't try to provoke others. Healthy people WANT others to feel HAPPY and SECURE, and be successful. They don't try to test, they don't take, they don't lie, they don't manipulate, they don't invade, and they DEFINITELY don't stand aside and let someone disrespect, steal from, or abuse another person.

But They Don't Deserve Equal Rights Or Privileges

If you see an entire group of human beings as generally "child like", weaker, less intelligent and less capable, and your group as "adult like", stronger, more intelligent and more capable, then you might have "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", or someone else who has it has taught you to believe their personal ego and insecurity issues as if they are part of objective reality. 
(It's usually taught more by modeling these issues and beliefs than by direct teaching, but both are often done at the same time.)


It is quite possible and not very difficult to heal from; all it takes is the mental capability to use critical and lateral thinking, and the courage to self-examine, face the fear of seeing one's own "flaws". (All humans have "flaws", many, many, many... when one develops a sense of humor, flaws are easy to accept and improve upon.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lateral_thinking

Tolerance, Or Respect For Other Human Beings?

"Tolerance" is not the same as "Respecting Others".
Tolerance is for the fearful and the judgmental. Respect, however, is given freely by those who respect themselves.

Controllers Project Incompetence Onto Others

One of the things Controllers seem to like very much is to project incompetence, inexperience, and lack of intelligence or skill onto others, especially their targets.

They seem to want everyone else to also believe this projection.
One of the ways they do this is to ignore and dismiss a target's capability. For example: There is small brush fire in the yard. Those present at the scene are three adults, one of whom is a Controller. The Controller treats one of the adults as if he/she is a competent grown-up, "allowing" them to help actively put out the fire. However, the Controller targets the other adult and treats them as if they are a small child who should "stay back" and "let the grown ups handle it."
>The only person with any experience in handling fires IS the target, the other two adults are actually getting high from an adrenaline rush and don't want it to get ruined by the calm-acting target.<
The Controller is not trying to actually "lead", or to "protect" the target, he/she is simply jumping on the opportunity for an adrenaline rush.

The adrenaline rush comes from several things
~ First, the "emergency situation", which Controllers often turn into a much bigger "event" than it actually is.
~ Then, the opportunity to PARTICIPATE in an "emergency situation"
~The opportunity to assign themselves as a "BOSS" in such a situation. ("Bosses" have to have "subordinates", they HAVE TO pick someone to be the "subordinate", and it's usually the person who seems the least likely to clock them for doing it.)
~The opportunity to DIRECT OTHERS
~The opportunity to receive credit, acknowledgement, and attention for being the "HERO" in the situation.
~The opportunity to DOMINATE someone else, and receive no consequences for it (only CREDIT).

~Some get an adrenaline rush out of the actual danger, but not that many~ most Controllers often feign courage, which creates a dangerous situation The Controller who is feigning courage is most likely ACTING like they know what they're doing to convince onlookers, but are actually AVOIDING doing what really needs to be done, because they're afraid. These Controllers will keep targets who DO know what they're doing away from the situation, so they can't get close enough to take action. Further, bystanders who buy into the Controller's act will often actually ASSIST in keeping "targets" away, contributing to the deterioration of the situation. (Often bystanders who do this are also getting an adrenaline rush as well.)

Another example: Picture a child who has fallen in a drain pipe. Five adults hear the child calling out. Only one of them is small enough to go into the drain pipe and retrieve the child. All the others are afraid of the drain pipe, but the small adult is not, and starts to go down to the pipe.
Because two of the other adults are Controllers, they actually make a huge ruckus about the small adult going in after the child (because that means that small person might get CREDIT for being the "HERO", and that means they DON'T get it). They actually hold the smaller person back and try to shame them and prevent them from going to get the child, while calling the police and the fire department. (In the meantime, the child is crying and getting colder and colder.)

Of course the small adult goes around behind them all and runs down the ravine, and retrieves the child from the drain pipe, because it's what needed to be done. Their two Controller "companions" are not HAPPY that the smaller adult did this, they actually become angry and resentful, and again start trying to shame and blame, with ridiculous statements like "You could have gotten hurt!" or "You could have gotten that child killed!" or "Don't you think of anyone but yourself?!" or "You should have let the professionals handle it!" < (said by the same Controller who wouldn't wait for the fire department during the brush fire.)

These statements were all learned as tools of control long ago.

We can witness this behavior all the time if we pay attention. Controllers take every opportunity to "designate" who IS capable of a task and who is NOT, and it always contains some kind of agenda, often as simple as receiving an adrenaline rush, or preventing a target from being seen by others as "capable" (or being seen by their own selves as "capable".)

Where Do You Focus Your Lens?

All humans carry a metaphorical mental lens that they look at the world through, and look at others through. Like a personal glass that we hold; a window, a magnifying glass, a telescope, a loupe. We are born looking out from our own eyes. We become aware that we are alive and that we ARE, but we don't spend nearly as much time examining ourselves as we do looking OUT at what's around us. We must be guided to really pay attention to our own actions in childhood, to assess ourselves, and to think before we speak and act. Our natural position is to hold our glass to look OUT, and those who have or learn empathy and true integrity also learn to pay attention to their own actions and inner thoughts and emotions, and the impact they make on others and the world.
When a person is targeted by a Narcissist, the glass that they hold naturally looking outward is turned backward, so that it's held focused on one's self instead.  The target switches their point of view and looks through the eyes of the Narcissist at themselves, and their own lens is automatically turned on themselves as well.
The process is set in motion by the Narcissist's behavior, the way they interact with the target. They do not pay much attention to the target unless they are criticizing, belittling, judging, trying to control, dominating, manipulating, or gaslighting. The target, over time, begins to look at themselves more and more, trying to prevent future negative interactions by changing themselves; trying to find ways to "improve" themselves in order to gain acceptance, approval, positive attention, normal respect, or friendship. Targets may become vigilant in hiding anything that might catch a Narcissist's attention, and so must pay extra attention to everything they're doing, trying to only let others see what can't be criticized. This often becomes an overall behavior habit, hiding themselves from the world in order to prevent being targeted. Targets learn to micro-manage and micro-judge themselves in order to avoid consequences from the Narcissist, and stop living their OWN REAL lives. They don't often realize that they've turned their glass around. It's not easy to get things done, to participate in "LIFE" the way we were born to, or to move forward, if our lens is pointed in the wrong direction.

NO Narcissist wants a target to turn their lens back the right way, it keeps a target under control, and prevents them from seeing what's actually in front of them and around them, and keeps them self-conscious. So when a target runs into new Narcissists, they will try to make them turn their lens back on themselves by doing the same things that the other Narcissists have done. Sometimes it doesn't take much at all, just subtle social signals that push the buttons of self-consciousness.

Narcissists behave frequently with a lack of common courtesy and manners, so even an unintentional Narc. signal, like rudeness, obvious eye-contact avoidance, or a condescending tone can trigger self-consciousness in a target who's already been "programmed" before. When a Narcissist is purposely targeting, and not just being their rude or attention-seeking self, they often make a show of praising and giving the target positive attention before they display the demeaning and disrespectful behavior.   

The natural way we are supposed to hold our mental "lens" is pointed OUT, not in, and not fixed on other people. We use it to see, up close and far away, to see what's happening, to learn, and to see others around us. We use it to see where we're going and what we're doing. In a group of people who are all using their lenses in this natural way, it creates a safe and trusting atmosphere where everyone continues to focus their lenses outward for learning and doing. They don't feel that they need to watch out for what others are doing, or doing TO them, because no one is focusing their lens on other people, so everyone keeps learning and progressing.
Those who have their lens fixed on others, judging everything they do or following what they do, aren't focused on what they're doing and often have a hard time learning new things unless someone they're following tells them about it. They also cause those they're fixated on to stop focusing on what they were doing and learning in order to deal with them.
Those who have their lens fixed on themselves can't see what's going on around them, and can't move forward because they're caught in a loop. Much like trying to drive by looking in the rearview mirror. 
To aid in healing, we can picture literally this lens, and picture ourselves holding it. Where are we pointing ours? Where are others pointing theirs? When we're healthy and happy (and healed), we don't keep our focus and magnify our lens on others, and we don't hold it backwards, magnifying the focus on ourselves. We hold it so we our looking out from our own eyes at the WHOLE world around us, turning up the magnification when we want or need to on something we want to learn or do.

Gawk Much? Judging And Gossip In The Community

You know your community is afflicted with Narcissism if you know that neighbors are watching you when you clean your car, mow your lawn, landscape, shovel snow, do any repairs, do anything they can see, and anything they can't see. And you know that they're watching you because that's part of their usuall conversation~ what OTHER PEOPLE are doing. Talking about others, and REPORTING ON others to f...ellow gossipers. "I saw your Aunt at the mall with some guy, they looked like they were pretty close, smiling and laughing..." "Did you see those bushes so-and-so planted? What the heck are they supposed to be?!" ... "Oh my gosh look at so-and-so, where's she going in THAT get-up?" ... "It looks like so-and-so may have FINALLY gotten a job..." ... "Can you believe so-and-so has all those kids?!" ... "I see the So-and-so's got another car... how they can afford it?!" ... "So-and-so is always going out at night, I see the car leave and not come back till four in the morning..." "How many girlfriends does he have? That's the third woman I've seen there this week!" "I don't know how she puts up with her, I hear all she does is sit around and do nothing but do that silly 'art' crap all day." "What a loser..." "He hasn't worked in a year, I heard~"
OH. EM. GEE.
Narcissism blazes with self-righteousness, deflection, finger-pointing, manipulation, lying and corruption, which breeds insecurity and paranoia in those around them, which breeds defensiveness, which often manifests as gossip, which creates a very hostile, backstabbing community (or family). Huge, self-perpetuation cycle that gets worse with time and through generations unless strong people simply stop participating, and stop modeling it for their children.
If you know others are watching and judging you with everything you do, and you make sure you can only be seen doing things that look "smart" or "cool" and hiding anything that someone might judge critically, (like learn to juggle, or practice singing, or talking to certain people) and you think that's "normal" because it's so common and "everyone does it", you're witnessing the influence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in your area.

How To Treat The Opposite Sex

Basic parameters for treatment of the opposite sex:

> If you would not say it to one of your same-sex friends because it's demeaning, disrespectful or presumptuous, then why would you say it to a member of the opposite sex?

> How do you show genuine respect and friendship to your comrades of the same sex? Do at least that (not LESS than that) toward members of the opposite sex.

> What is your "ethics code"? What are your personal integrity parameters? It's not integrity if you only do it sometimes with certain people, but not with others.

> Basic manners and courtesy. If you wouldn't "blow off" or lie to one of your same-sex friends because it's wrong or lame, then why on earth would you do that to a person of the opposite sex?

> Pay attention. Other people don't come in some kind of prefab packages. Each human has different strengths and talents, experiences, wisdom, knowledge, and points of view. No one is some kind of "clone" of others who are the same sex, height, race, or hair color. Grow up. No two women are the same, and no two men are the same, no matter how deep someone's personal gender biases and issues are.

> Don't assume you know anything at all about another person, especially based on their sex, body, age, or appearance. That is one of the most naive and ignorant things that humans seem to stay stuck in developmentally.
That big hulking African-looking guy you just saw might be the sweetest person you ever met, loves baby animals, children, his Mom, can't play basketball, has a degree in physics, enjoys software programming, cooks dinner for his wife every night, is an avid quilter, is not a Democrat, lost all of his siblings in a terrible accident, who's best friend is his female cousin who helps people in their community with him.
That small blond woman with the voluptuous figure, with dirt on her hands  you just saw might be the most humble person you ever met, who drag races and restores vintage cars, who's a master carpenter, who rescues abused animals, helps all of her elderly neighbors, paints portraits, studied biology and chemistry, has survived a severely abusive childhood in foster care, does not belong to a political party, and loves her children and her husband, who love and respect her back.
Both of them are Science Fiction fans, neither can stand Television Soap Operas or reality shows, both can take or leave professional sports, and would much rather play sports with close friends and family just for fun.  
None of it could have been "assumed" or "guessed", one would have to actually get to know them to find out any of these things.

Treating You Like You're Stupid

Another very common Narc. trait (that less mature people do also, such as children who have not yet grown out of this stage) is assuming you know NOTHING about a particular subject, or are emotionally weak, fragile, and histrionic~ if you ask a single question, make an observation, or express an emotion.
What you say and what they hear are quite often two completely different things.

Your question:
"Which brand of decking that you carry is the least slippery when it gets wet?"
What the N hears:
"I know absolutely nothing about decks, materials, or building, I don't even know how to hold a screwdriver, I'm fragile and clueless, and I need your superior and extensive knowledge and experience to walk me through this terribly overwhelming decision."

Your question:
"Would you reach that for me? I want to look at it."
What the N hears:
"Would you please help me? I can't reach that because I'm so little and weak, and you're so capable, important, and knowledgeable. And strong. Stronger than ME."

Your question:
"What's your opinion on this guitar vs. that one?"
What the N hears:
"Please explain to me what a guitar is? I've never touched one before, and I know nothing at all about them, and I greatly admire and look up to YOU, who obviously has vast knowledge and talent, far and above anything I could ever have! You're one of those "real" musicians, I can tell! I'm just a squealing, silly wanna-be!"

Your observation:
"Look at those birds way over there! Is that a swan? I can't see it from here."
What the N hears:
"Look! Some kind of animal, bird-like creature, I don't know anything about them, I'm completely ignorant and can't tell one bird from another, and have never learned the names of any birds, because I'm not smart enough, and I fear nature and wild animals because I'm so fragile and silly. Please, please enlighten me, tap into your encyclopedic knowledge and explain to me what birds are, and what kind of bird that might be."

Your observation:
"It looks like rain."
What the N hears:
"OH NO there might be water falling from the sky! My hairdo will get ruined! I am too fragile to get wet, I'm afraid I'll get sick! This will ruin everything! Save me!"

Your expression:
"Wow, she was rude to me, that was annoying." (after dealing with a female medical staffer who was condescending and rude to you, but not to them.)
What the N hears:
"Like, oh my GOSH! Did you SEE HOW MEAN THAT GIRL WAS TO ME? I HATE HER! I HATE ALL PEOPLE! I AM SO JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE WAS KIND OF PRETTY! I AM NOT PRETTY ENOUGH! NO ONE LIKES ME! WHAAAAAA!!!"

Your expression:
"Wow that guy was arrogant and rude to me." (after dealing with a male sales person who was condescending and rude to you, but not to them)
What the N hears:
"WHAAA! I am angry and jealous because that man did not treat me like a princess! I am jealous and envious because MEN ARE SMARTER AND DESERVE MORE RESPECT than us silly, crazy, stupid women! I am a hateful, angry, jealous, nagging woman!"
or
"WHAAA! I am angry and jealous because that guy ignored me, because I'm not as much of a MAN as you are! I am such a weakling, and shy, I WISH I WAS MORE LIKE YOU so REAL MEN would treat me like a MAN, like they treat YOU!"

Your question:
"Were you just flirting with that guy in a serious way?"
What the N hears:
"WHAAA! I'm a weak, jealous, insecure man, and you're so HOT, and I'll never get another girl like YOU! Are you going to LEAVE ME for that other guy? He is SO MUCH more attractive than I am! You're gonna leave me, aren't you? WHAAA!"

Your statement:
"Check out that car!"
What the N hears:
"WOW! A car! It looks like some kind of "sports car" to me! Aren't those fast? What kind is it? I don't know anything about cars at all, but I know you do, because you're so smart, and know so many things!"

The really funny (or annoying, or aggravating) part is that a Narcissist will often take the conversation and run with it, actually believing their own skewed assumption that the other person is clueless, or "over-emotional", or scared. Many will proceed to give completely erroneous information, things they just make up on the spot. (That bird, well yes, that's a long-necked yellow-footed red-billed Stork, and I can tell that it's a male from it's tailfeathers...) or (The best decking is actually made of cardboard fibers that are mixed together with flax seed and recycled water bottles, this never gets slippery. When does your husband/father/contractor want to pick it up?)


*Narcissists are commonly sexist and cling to stereotypes, archetypes, and fictional beliefs about gender and appearance; they think they know you by what you look like and what your gender is. This is reflected blatantly in the way they treat others, and how they view themselves.

Narcissists And Kids

One of the common traits of Narcissism that contributes to its spread, dramatically, is lack of awareness and concern about one's influence on children. Narcissists tend to display self-righteousness regarding their influence on children, if they have any awareness about it at all. They don't care about how they treat children, what they say to them, or how their behavior affects them. Some with s...ociopath traits seem to take glee in influencing children to mimic their anti-social and anti-empathetic behavior and attitudes. Many use children as pawns and weapons against their "rivals", not only during custody disputes, but just as a regular easy tactic. They show little or no concern for children's emotional, mental, or physical well-being, unless the child is on their "favorites" list, and even then, they show little or no concern about their influence.
It can be very difficult for a parent who has to deal with Narc. relatives, friends, or obviously an N coparent. The desire for children to have a network of support conflicts with the actual reality of the people who would be in that network, who end up being more negative for the child's development and overall life than positive.
Narcissists do the same thing with children as they do in intimate relationships: they adamantly refuse to review their own behavior, or self-examine, or visit that their actions may not be "perfectly fine". They will usually defend and justify everything they do and say no matter how ludicrous, abusive, neglectful, or blatantly negative or even dangerous it is.

Red Flag That's Easy To Spot: Condescension

• Condescension is one of the easiest flags to see; many Narcissists will do it before they have targeted someone personally, before they have started putting on the facade. It's easy to get this one "down" so it's obvious to recognize right off the bat (but it's not foolproof, there are people who are not "NPD" who condescend and there are N's who know better than to do it openly). To see it, just pay attention to strangers, like store clerks and waitstaff, sales people in various stores, the doctor's office, receptionists and nursing staff, school faculty; really anywhere there are humans~ listen to how they speak to you.
  Condescension sounds like "I KNOW you know less than I do just by looking at you, so I'm going to over explain, change my vocal tone, invade your space, and assume you are completely clueless" or "I see you as a naive, inexperienced child, and myself as a fully capable and important adult". Or, "You're just a girl, (or just a boy, or just a young person, or just an older person...) so I am going to speak to you as if you just fell off the turnip truck, like you have no clue what's going on, either here or in life in general".
  
  It can also sound and look like "You're one of those dumb blondies, aren't you?!" or "You're a cute little piece of fluff!" or "Look at those abs.." or "Why don't you cut/dye your hair?!"
  or "You should gain/lose some weight, you'd be really hot"
  It can sound and look like "You'd be happier if..." or "You whine too much.." or "You need to get a thicker skin..." or "Lighten up!"
  
  It can sound and look like "You don't really belong here... you're not like us..."
  
  It can also sound and look like "I really like your friend! You, however, I already don't like..."
  or "I am pleased to speak to your friend (partner/relative/coworker), and I am showing them respect and courtesy. You, however, are a "lower" person, so I'm just going to pretend you don't even exist."
  
  It can also sound like "You don't know what you're talking about" or "You are not as wise as I, or my associates..."
  
  It can also sound like SILENCE~ a lack of acknowledgment of your PRESENCE, or of the fact that you spoke, or of what you actually said.
  
  Basically, people who condescend seem to enjoy it, because apparently it gives them a sense of feeling like a "grown up", above and beyond lowly and clueless "child-people" like us...
  
  Being able to recognize the signs and sounds of condescension (not just vocal tone) can be a tremendous asset in protecting one's self from future Narcissist problems, seeing through b.s., getting ripped off, and getting manipulated.
  
  Amazingly, many humans will TRUST a condescender MORE than they will trust a person who treats them with respect, because their perception has been skewed from growing up around so much Narcissism. Condescension sounds like confidence, experience, and knowledge to many people, unfortunately for them. Good for con-artists, though...
  For example, Mark calls three contractors to remodel his kitchen. The one who is the master craftsperson and carpenter is confident and sincere, so she simply answers Mark's questions and does not speak to him with an arrogant tone. Her price is in the middle of the three, and she is actually the most skilled and will do the best job. The other two are not as skilled; one of them is honest and also does not speak to Mark in an arrogant tone, but Mark senses that they may not be that experienced. The third one who bids far and above both of the others is the one Mark hires~ because he spoke DOWN to Mark, treating Mark like he was a complete novice, even clueless, even not very bright. Mark swallowed it hook line and sinker, without even finding more information about any of the contractors. If he had asked around, he would have found out that the middle bidder was easily the best and most talented, and the highest bidder has had several complaints about shoddy work and even unfinished jobs.
  It happens all the time, from the highest levels government, to "Big Business" all the way to fast food employees. People don't realize that condescension is NOT a sign of knowledge, experience, or intelligence, it's just a sign of arrogance and delusions of grandeur, and actually indicates an absence of skill and knowledge, and disinterest in seeking information.

Why Those With Strong Values Often Have Few Friends

Those who live their lives in cliques will always reject those who don't do cliques. Square pegs in round holes~ they know you aren't ever going to go along with their triangulation, ego stroking, bad boundary issues and manipulation, sometimes illegal activity, often 'immoral' activity (that they're actually ashamed of or fear getting caught doing), so they just don't include you. You don't fit in. (Thank Heaven for that.)

They're not rejecting you because you did something wrong, because you're not a good person, or because you're creepy, annoying, unintelligent, or unattractive. They simply have no tolerance for people with strong values who refuse to participate in game playing, and who don't let them walk in and on their boundaries. When you disagree with them or don't go along with their mobbing, gossiping, or excluding others, if you show that you don't tolerate unfair or hurtful treatment toward others or toward yourself, they will often reject you forthwith. 

Secure and confident people don't reject others, or try to dominate, smear, gang up on, or ostracize them for disagreeing with them, refusing to go along with attacking others, or refusing to participate in any other kind of activity or attitude. They don't reject others for talking about something, or pointing out unfairness, injustice, or standing up for themselves. But very insecure, fearful, and/or manipulative people often do. They will "circle their wagons" at the slightest interference or disagreement with their agendas, and then often open fire as well.

Much like illegal drug users would not invite a police officer to the party, even if he or she was the nicest, most laid back, kindest, most generous person in the world. It's about THEM, THEY feel uncomfortable in the officer's presence because of what THEY do, not because of what the officer's personality is like.

Constant Thrum Of Tension

That constant, continuous undertone of tension the controller seems to emit may likely be something they developed in childhood. They may have picked it up from someone else in the household, or they may have felt it themselves.

Many children grew up inside of a household where one of the adults was always wondering what another adult was going to do next, or not do next, or what they were doing while they were out. One parent might have been in a continual bad mood because either they have mood or control issues, or because the other parent has mood or control issues, or treated them with disrespect. A parent who is controlling or haughty often emits this tension constantly, and children in the house may try to "match the frequency" so they can feel normal.
Children who grow up in a household where one parent is gone a lot for any reason may develop this; they may be stressed for the absence of the parent, or their other parent may be stressed from it;  and also those who had one parent who was physically ill, or another family member, especially if there was always some sense of foreboding, like something bad could happen at any moment.

Children who grew up in such an environment can adapt this constant thrum of tension and incorporate it into their personality, often feeling like it's the way one is supposed to feel when one is an adult, or when one is "responsible", or "in charge". 
The feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or being worried that one's daily, normal behavior and actions will be judged and micro-managed, are symptoms of a controlling household. And that feeling can be incorporated into a child's regular every day personality. Without it, the person may feel like he or she is giving up their autonomy and personal power; they may actually believe it's part of being an adult human being. We all incorporate our childhood environment into our selves as we grow up, it's normal; so if this constant tension was present, it can easily be taken in by a person who grew up in it.

Self Confidence vs. Narcissism

Self-confidence is not the same as "Narcissism".
When you are confident, you feel solid and good about yourself and your capability, you aren't plagued with self-doubt, and you don't have the need to compare yourself to others. You are happy about your accomplishments, your abilities, and your aspirations, and are not thinking much about what other people think of you; you're just content and happy about what you're doing,  improving your skills, and learning things. You notice when others are disrespectful toward you, and you automatically stand up for yourself. You also stand up for others. You don't pretend disrespectful behavior is not happening, or allow  others to insult you, control you, put you down, condescend, or walk on you, or do any of that to others around you.

You learn from others regardless of their "station" or "status". Self-confident people ENJOY sharing ideas, listening to others' points of view about all kinds of things; they enjoy discussion, they don't insult others, condescend, try to overtake a discussion or counter. They don't assume negative things about others; they don't participate in gossip. They put their energy into improving their own life, and the lives of those around them, not in tearing others down or picking them apart. They don't waste time "critiquing" others lives or bodies; they don't invite or embrace negativity, judgment, or divisiveness. They notice when others do, and they may avoid entire groups of people who are negative and controlling.

They are HAPPY when they meet a "kindred spirit", someone else who shares their interests, someone else who enjoys similar things or does something that they do. They are happy for those who are doing well and who have accomplished things. They LIKE IT when someone else knows things they don't, understands things they don't, or is better at something than they are, because it's an opportunity to LEARN. They don't gloat, brag, or boast. They enjoy honesty, good manners, ethics, and critical thinking, and they find relief in taking accountability for their mistakes and transgressions. They LIKE to hear what others have to say, and they LIKE to learn from others, and they truly APPRECIATE and acknowledge the talent, skill, ability, and knowledge of others; they don't try to shush them up with insults and countering, invalidate them, dismiss them, or shun them.

A self-confident person does not brag or boast; they could have 3 PhD's and keep it to themselves. They could have climbed Mt. Everest twice and not tell others unless the subject comes up in conversation. They could be a world-reknowned artist and you wouldn't know it if you met them, because they don't seek extra credit and admiration, so they don't talk about it unless someone asks. They don't feel "outshined" easily, and they don't envy those who do something well that they also do. They also don't hesitate to share their accomplishments with others when it occurs to them to do so, and often do when they're happy about something they've done. They don't HIDE what they've accomplished, and at the same time they don't think of their accomplishments, skills, or talent as "bragging rights".

They have no need to PROVE that they are better or more knowledgeable at something that someone else, and will even pretend to know less than they do, or are less capable than they are, if it seems like someone's ego is fragile, or if they are under fire from others.

Those who are self-confident LIKE TO promote OTHERS, they ENJOY pointing out what others are accomplishing, and help them gain credit and acknowledgment for what they do. Even when it's the same thing, the same field, the same skill, the same talent, and even if they are not receiving any benefit themselves for promoting them.

Those who are self-confident have the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of others in mind, regardless of whether they are a "close friend" or not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

Those who are Narcissistic only have their own well-being in mind, and will emotionally, mentally, or physically neglect, shut out, or abuse others if it serves them in any way. Occasionally they can seem somewhat concerned for others whom they see as also "elite" who they consider to be in their circle of elitism.

Narcissism is not the same as self-confidence, and can be said to be it's opposite. It's all about comparing one's self to others, and trying to find them to be lesser than one's self, OR trying to associate one's self with those who are seen as "higher".
Narcissism craves attention,  admiration, an audience, and compliance, not equable connection.
Narcissism feels uncomfortable when it feels like it "has to" listen to someone ELSE, especially if it wants that person to be their designated audience, caretaker, sidekick, or to be "lower status".
When Narcissism sees someone else doing well, displaying talent, showing skill or knowledge, or looks happy and confident, it feels resentment, envy, intimidation, or a loss of control. It may even feel hatred. Narcissism needs to be the one who is in control, the one who is seen as MORE~ the one who is smartest, the most capable, the most beautiful, or the most talented. Narcissism doesn't do things WITH others, it doesn't care about "kindred spirits"; it doesn't feel inspired that you're a singer too, or an artist too, or that you're also into science, or love animals, or also a writer, or also a parent. Narcissism instead sees you as either a threat to their spotlight, or as some kind of "wanna-be", or even a sycophant. Unless you are someone they see as "above" or "elite", Narcissism does not want to hear your point of view and is not interested in doing anything WITH you. If you are going to be around Narcissism, you are expected to let THEM be the "one in charge", the one who gets the attention from others, the one who is liked and admired MORE THAN you. It can't even be equal, it has to be them getting more attention, admiration, and adulation.
If Narcissism doesn't get to be the star, the boss, the one in control, the one who is MORE SKILLED, more experienced, knowledgeable, capable, or intelligent, the one who is seen as innocent and above reproach, the one who is above the "rules" (too cool for school), the one who is RIGHT and righteous all the time, no matter what, then they can become angry, hostile, and resentful. Sometimes even dangerous, and are not above "retaliation" for their feelings. Narcissism sees all of their feelings as being CAUSED BY other people and things.

Narcissism ONLY feels "good" about their own skills, abilities, or talent if there is someone to put down, someone to tear down, someone to compare themselves to, someone they can control, or someone praising them profusely or showing adulation.

Self-confidence is definitely not the same as Narcissism.