Denial: The Good, The Bad, and The Annoying

Denial is a human brain function, we all have it, and the ultimate irony is we all tend to ...deny... that we have it.
It's just our subconscious's way of protecting us from ourselves, and becoming overwhelmed with stress and fear. The pros of this function are apparently high, even essential, or it wouldn't be a regular part of our brain function. The cons, however, can be detrimental when we're in a negative or dangerous situation, and when we're trying to heal and/or change, or improve our lives and the lives of our children and loved ones.
On the pro side, denial allows us to walk around every day without stressing and wondering if we're going to get struck by a meteor, if we're getting exposed to pathogens, if we're being watched by predators or psychopaths, and how dangerous our commute to and from work or the store really is. It helps us forget about our own physical and psychological "issues" and "flaws" so we don't obsess on them. It allows us to go about our day, and even have fun.
On the con side, it blurs and blocks our ability to see things that are not good for us. We go and eat food that we know is bad for us because of Denial. We keep habits that are unhealthy. We keep doing things that sabotage our wallets and our careers even though we consciously "know" better. We keep connections with other human beings who are not supportive or healthy for us, and stay in dysfunctional groups. We allow incompetent and bullying leaders, in all kinds of areas, from government to business to family to local communities. We block our own view of our own control issues and habits, and rationalize the way we treat others. We even try to block other people from looking at things that are "wrong" around us and in the world when we're in denial.
Denial is the part of our brain that says "It's no big deal" when we know it is a big deal.
It says "Stop looking at those flaws and discrepancies".
It says "That's just the way things are".
It says "There is no contradiction, there is no negative impact, there is no corrupt agenda".
It says "People get what they deserve" when we learn that someone has been disrespected or victimized.
It says "But it helps me stay calm, so it's okay" when we know we're addicted to something.
It says "But I didn't mean to, my intentions were good" when we know we screwed up or hurt someone.
It says "She/he made me do it" .
It says "But he/she is really a great person" when we know deep down their motives are corrupt.
It says "I'm better and a superior person than her/him, so I deserve to be treated better, and I deserve more privileges and stuff".
It says "He/she acts like that because he has to, to be an effective boss/leader." when deep down we know he's really a bully.
It says "She/he isn't really that talented/smart/skilled/capable/kind" when deep down we know we're just envious.
It says "Who cares about that, it doesn't affect me".
It says "Everything is fine, there's no need to look at that, let's focus on something else".

Denial allows us to stay where we are and continue what we're doing instead of constantly trying to protect ourselves and fix all the flaws around us and in us, which would literally take every waking moment, and much of the time we should be sleeping as well. But, at the same time, it works SO well that it covers up what we could change and veils what we NEED to look at, analyze, and change to have a better life and a better world.

We can't remove the function of Denial in our brains, and perhaps we shouldn't, because it allows us to enjoy the beauty in life without being overwhelmed with fear, holing ourselves up in a survival shelter for the rest of our lives. However admitting that it's a real and every day part of our humanness is essential if we honestly want positive change, peace, and a better world for our children and ourselves.

Daily Narcissism

Refusing to see you as "equal" to themselves, refusing to see you for who you actually are, refusing to acknowledge your real abilities, experience, skill, talent and strengths, trying to make you into less of a person, and refusing to take you seriously are what Narcissists do on a regular basis.

Control And Bad Manners

Some behaviors of many Controllers include:
Speaking and behaving without greeting, social grace, or ceremony on a regular basis.
It varies with the individual, but the common denominator is an absence of social graces, although they may make a SHOW of manners in front of certain people. (There is a difference between a "control freak" and an actual "Narcissist"; a true "Narcissist" will try to tailor their behavior to the specific audience even more than the average Controller will.)

Some examples:
>Not saying "thank you" when given something, even a gift, by certain people whom they consider "lower"  (they may thank others profusely for even small things).

>Not asking for things, but instead demanding or taking them.

>Making demands and commands instead of invitation.

>Giving instructions instead of asking politely for assistance ("I need you to help me move this weekend" instead of "I need to move this weekend, would you be able to help me?")

>Not saying "please".

>Standing in others' way, literally. Physically placing themselves in front of others, blocking them, or in the path of others, or in the middle of what others are doing.

>Entering closed rooms or dwellings without knocking, or knocking and entering without waiting for an answer.


>Absence of courtesy, manners, and polite respect toward strangers and in public.


>Rationalizing and justifying the absence of social graces toward others, for example using their situation, occupation or position as an excuse.
(If one police officer maintains his or her social graces, then being a police officer is not a valid "reason" for bad manners and disrespect toward others. Nor is being a supervisor, or a customer service worker, or a factory worker, or a CEO, or a celebrity, or an animal control officer, or a lab technician, or a line cook, or a social worker, or being poor or being wealthy, etc, etc. If the situation is too stressful for an individual, then they need to either get help and find better ways to deal with it, or find a different occupation, but it's not a valid reason to treat others poorly. You can find homeless people who have nothing, people who have suffered great loss and trauma, people who deal with extreme stress every day with enduring social graces.)

>Not acknowledging when another person speaks, or what they've said.

>Only acknowledging what another person says via criticism, insult, or invalidation.

>Constantly giving instructions, commands, and demands. (A target can't walk across the room without being given a new order or request.)

>Constantly making "suggestions" about anything and everything. Constantly giving "advice" to specific targets.

>Always making critical "observations" about others.

>Purposely speaking and acting in a "tough", "gruff", or lewd manner in front of others. Severe cases will do this especially in front of children, the elderly, or physically or mentally 'challenged' adults.

>Talking over others, interrupting them while they're speaking on a regular basis (on purpose, or without caring).

>Bad phone etiquette, such as:
Talking on the phone and with those in the room with them at the same time, without common etiquette like saying "hold on" to the person on the phone; calling them back at a better time; telling those in the room that they're on the phone and to wait until they hang up to speak to them; talking in normal volume or loudly on the phone in the midst of others trying to have a conversation, watch a show, eat a meal, etc.


>Launching immediately into announcements when someone enters a room, without greeting or ceremony.
(Many of these, including this one, can also be seen in those who are having some kind of difficulty, such as those who are "under the influence", those with certain cognitive issues, and those who have dementia for various reasons; also sometimes Asperger's or autism may show this. Also sometimes in those who are dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or an abusive situation. ~ With this example, for instance, a person entering the room can be like a trigger to talk, to connect to another human being. OR, the behavior might have an agenda of Control and/or subjugation behind it if the person is actually a Narcissist. A person could have both Narcissism and another issue going on. Finding out the person's real motives and issues can be a challenge, but it means the difference between being a "target" and simply being in contact with someone with some kind of disability, be it temporary or permanent. Having healthy boundaries and awareness make it possible, and easier, to discern and to deal with either one.)

Social Signals That Controllers And Narcissists Pick Up On

Three common social signals that we probably don't realize we're doing, that indicate "submission", "weakness", "inexperience", and/or "ignorance" to other humans, and especially Controllers and Narcissists:

Looking away from direct eye contact, either before or after making eye contact, or both;
Lowering the shoulders and turning the body away so we're not facing the other person with "shoulders back" and "head up";
ASKING QUESTIONS.

The first two are pretty obvious to most people, although most people who do them may not realize they're doing it, or how often.
The third is not so obvious. If we pay close attention, we can hear a pattern in any culture or group:
Who is asking questions, who is using a "question?" tone, and who is answering the questions.

In a "status hierarchy", being the One Who Does Not Know is lower status than the One Who Knows.

If the relationships between people don't have status, hierarchy, and dominance issues, then people don't pay much attention to WHO KNOWS WHAT. Information is neutral, no one "owns" information, no one cares if they know something or don't know something that someone else does or doesn't.
But in a status hierarchy where people are vying for dominance and "recognition", and others are making submission gestures (to gain the approval of those who are "dominant" and appear "NICE"), QUESTIONS are the fastest and most effective gesture.

In such groups and relationships, those who are displaying submission with questions and a question tone will ask about things they already know the answer to, or they could easily find out on their own.
Even more importantly, in such groups and relationships, those who are seeking "dominant status" will ANSWER questions REGARDLESS of their ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE.

The interaction is NOT ABOUT INFORMATION. The actual information is secondary to the submission/dominance display. When people are used to this and it's normalized in their culture and community, they will rationalize the whole interaction in order to prevent it from becoming exposed. Both the submission and the dominance displayers are doing it for personal reasons, for a kind of gain or for survival, whether they're conscious of it or not. Therefore the subconscious does not want it exposed for what it is.

 

Further still, in cultures, communities, and groups where this "question/answer" interaction display is normalized, many take it to another level. Manipulators may use BOTH or EITHER the "Question" gesture OR the "Answer" display to affect an outcome, to get what they want. Which one they use most simply depends on which works for them personally, and who they're trying to manipulate. 

For example a woman in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Question tone and gesture to get a MAN to assist or help her, but she might use the Answer gesture to display dominance over another woman. A man in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Answer gesture more often than not, because male Controllers are often very insecure and worried about appearing inexperienced to others, thereby risking their perceived "Dominant Status". 

Many take the Answer display gesture so far that it becomes transparent and obvious, constantly giving "answers" and "information" whether anyone was asking or not. This is a flag of Narcissistic disorder, because Narcissists don't pay attention to the ability, intelligence, or experience of others, especially if they have not initially assessed the person as "Elite",  "Expert", or "Authority".  They are always trying to be the Expert over someone else., and strangely, they often do this even MORE around an actual expert.  

(A Narcissist who is stuck in this Answer Display gesture would explain how to play a guitar to Nancy Wilson and Muriel Anderson, lecture about the brutality of war to a Viet Nam veteran,  pontificate about the importance of World Peace to the Dalai Lama, and condescend to Margaret Thatcher about "what it takes" to be a government official. So try not to take it too personally when one of them talks down to you like your a novice, a small child, or completely clueless.)

 

Prejudice: The Lifeblood Of The Controller's Agenda

Controllers do what they can personally get away with.

A controller woman is going to be noticed by others bossing around an all male construction crew, but she is probably not going to be noticed giving unsolicited advice to or micro-bossing another woman, or her daughter.

A controller man is going to be noticed if he tries criticizing and lording over different hairstyles of the women or girls around him, but he'll probably get away with bullying his male coworkers who are shorter than he is, whether it's an office setting or a trade environment.

Severe controllers especially, like those with NPD, narcissistic sociopaths and psychopaths learn what they can personally get away with according to the expectations, social conditioning, prejudices, and naivete of other people.

A male tradesperson Controller, such as a carpenter, will get away with gaslighting, sabotaging, and bullying a female coworker, subordinate, or even a boss all day long because they are both surrounded mostly by people who have prejudices against female humans working in trades. ~Many male tradesmen who don't have this prejudice issue STILL won't stand up for her because they don't want to be targeted next, and they don't see a benefit for themselves in standing up for her. ~Many females who are also in the trades won't stand up for her because many of them are Narcissistic themselves, and want to be the "Exceptional Girl" in the sea of males, and don't want to be de-throned; OR they are not Narcissistic at all, but also fear being targeted next, and fear losing their jobs and positions. (Fear is the Controller's best friend and favorite tool, right above shame, anxiety and confusion).

Customers will rarely stand up either, both males and females for similar reasons as her fellow tradespeople, and with other issues added such as resenting women who don't stay inside the very small parameters of what they think females "should" be, and who resent any woman who is doing something they think they aren't capable of themselves. There are also women who envy other women who are actually working in jobs such as building trades because they were kept from doing it themselves.

Building trades have an added factor of "tough" and "strong" combined with "skilled" and "capable", which seems to send a lot of people around the bend when they see a woman who is perfectly capable of it, since they had thoroughly bought into the cultural myth that only men ('masculine' men) are truly capable.

A female Controller who has an administrative position in a hospital, a healthcare setting, or a school, for example, is more likely to get away with bullying, sabotaging, and micromanaging staff and subordinates, as long as she doesn't do it to anyone above a certain "hierarchy status". If the "upper echelon" at the hospital does not feel the effects of her manipulation and control PERSONALLY, then she is likely to keep getting away with whatever she's doing to those too low on the Totem Pole to get anyone to listen.




Controllers find power when they align themselves with the cultural myths that people believe about their physical bodies and appearance. A Controller who is a tall, athletic-looking man is going to get promoted much faster in a corporate environment because of the pervasive stereotype that so many human beings still hold in their heads regarding tall males. A Controller who is a broad-shouldered female of at least average height is going to get promoted much faster in a healthcare setting, because of the similar pervasive stereotypes that so many human beings hold in their heads about what a capable healthcare worker looks like. The list goes on and on. Those who match physical stereotypes are HANDED power and control. Those who don't match, but who are Controllers who seek power, have to figure out how to get it another way.

In personal relationships, families, and communities, the gender roles are extremely clear and obvious to anyone who actually looks, and keeping them alive and well are the Controllers, NPD's, and narcissistic Sociopaths. Gender roles and prejudices, racial prejudices, religious prejudices, political party prejudices and stereotypes are the LIFEBLOOD of the Controller's (Narcissist's) agenda. Without these things, it would be much harder to orchestrate and control people's actions, keep them oppressed, keep them ignorant, and take their money. From personal relationships, to businesses local and global, to schools, to local communities, to cults, to Hollywood, to the music industry, to national governments and global relations, Narcissistic Controllers depend on the "little people's" prejudices against each other to keep them in power, and keep them in the green.

Conditioning, Stereotypes, False Beliefs

An unfortunate side effect of growing up in any imbalanced, dysfunctional community, culture, or family is that EVERYONE gets conditioned to believe certain things, and go along with things, and react in certain ways.

Even if we are fully aware that something is not right, or "off", we can still keep repeating the pattern. That's what conditioning does: it teaches our SUBCONSCIOUS to see things a certain way and believe certain things, and even feel certain emotions about various things (and people) in our world, so we just think of them as "the way things are".

Weirder still, if something we see with our own eyes CONTRADICTS something that we hold as a subconscious belief, our brains tell us to LOOK AWAY. Our subconscious does not want us to see this contradiction.
Why~? Because if one of the beliefs we hold is shown to be wrong, then whatever is connected to it is probably ALSO wrong. Our subconscious does not want to have to review our entire perception of the world, it wants to keep things just the way they are, especially if we seem safe enough, and reasonably content.

For example, even if we become consciously aware that garter snakes are harmless, we will still recoil when we see one if we were conditioned by those around us to fear snakes.

Many people think of snakes as "slimy" like earthworms or eels, which is completely false... That belief came from somewhere, but NOT from reality. So where did it come from if there is literally zero truth in it? Snakes are definitely NOT slimy, and yet there are many, many humans who seem utterly convinced that they are. That's like believing that cake is made out of cement; it's not true, it's false. So where does the belief come from?

Why do seemingly logical, thinking human beings believe all kinds of erroneous, false things, such as "All Snakes Are Dangerous" or "Snakes Are Slimy"? Where did the beliefs come from in the first place, and why don't people doubt them?

They believe it, and don't doubt it, because the beliefs were "implanted" in their subconscious. They didn't learn it consciously in a classroom, being taught directly by an instructor. They learned it "by the wayside"~ from being around others who already harbored these beliefs. They also may have been taught "wrong" from people who may have purposely intended for them to fear snakes so they wouldn't touch them as children.

Where does this all lead?
It's one thing to believe that all snakes are dangerous, resulting in something harmless such as a person never picking up a snake they see in the driveway. This belief allows people to get away with never learning to recognize the different species of snakes. I don't have to learn which snakes are dangerous if I just don't touch any of them. Believing snakes are SLIMY is just an additional embellishment that deters people from picking them up. Snakes are NOT slimy at all, but if one is never going to touch one, then the false belief doesn't make much of a difference.

But what about when that same process happens with human beings? When people in a culture are conditioned in blanket beliefs about human beings, it makes a very large impact on their daily lives. And because we internalize these conditioned beliefs, our subconscious DEFENDS them as "REAL", as "THE WAY THINGS REALLY ARE".

The impact this has had throughout the history on our species has been overwhelmingly negative. And the impact this has on our day to day individual lives is also quite negative, although many will, of course, deny it, since it seems to them that they are not being affected in a negative way.

Some of these beliefs are known as "stereotypes", and many will even defend them with a statement such as "stereotypes always have a grain of truth in them". Well, we can say that about literally any fiction or blatant lie we make up, that process is called "rationalizing". The drunk driver often rationalizes why he or she was driving a car while intoxicated, and there will probably be a "grain of truth" in the story. But one grain certainly does not make a beach full of sand.

We LIKE to believe false things that BENEFIT OURSELVES.

False beliefs about human beings that are commonly held are usually centered around race, ancestry, body size, gender, and physical attractiveness. Many humans tend to LIKE to believe stereotypes such as: that those of Asian ancestry are naturally better at math, African ancestry are naturally better at sports and dancing, Indian ancestry are more peaceful and enlightened, Irish ancestry are jolly but like to fight and drink, and Italian ancestry are better at cooking but have connections to organized crime, etc., etc.

Every ancestry it seems carries some kind of blanket stereotype. When we see a person who matches the stereotype, our subconscious gives itself a pat on the back and says "SEE? I WAS RIGHT!"
But what happens with all the people we meet who don't fit the stereotype?
Our subconscious IGNORES these contradictions, and even DELETES them. If someone points out the contradiction, the response is often "Well there's always an exception to the rule" or "The exception proves the rule"... which is just bad science. If there is a "rule", then it's always true, there are no exceptions. If the "rule" is shown to have an exception, then it was NOT CORRECT in the first place.

One of the more sinister results of conditioning is the fact that we end up believing false things about OURSELVES as well, along with OUR FAMILY MEMBERS, and others around us as well.
If one of the fictions we were conditioned to believe as real, for example, is "dark-skinned people aren't good at math", then when we go looking for an accountant to hire, who are we going to choose? If everyone in our region was conditioned in this same belief, then what will be the result for an African descent person? Unchallenged conditioned beliefs are so strong that even if we found out that the African ancestry accountant was a Math Whiz who won various awards and received recognition for their ability and skill, we would STILL NOT HIRE them if we had a choice between them and a non-African. Only those who were not conditioned with this belief, OR who purposely challenged their OWN conditioning, would hire this person.

We can go further down that road, and pit a MALE African descent accountant against another accountant who is a FEMALE, and of Asian ancestry. Now, the person's conditioning about the abilities of Males vs. Females comes into play, ON TOP OF their conditioned beliefs about African descent vs. Asian descent.
Who will they hire?
Add to this mix an Italian male accountant. Now who will they hire?
Let's make the African male accountant SHORT, the Asian female accountant average height, and the Italian male accountant TALL.
Now?
What happens when we add a fourth candidate, a blonde Norwegian descent female accountant? Who is SHORT?
What happens if the Norwegian female accountant is TALL?

How about if the Italian male accountant is SHORT, and the African male accountant is TALL and athletic looking? What happens if the Asian female is older, heavy, wears glasses? And the Norwegian female has serious facial scars? Which one would you hire?
What happens if every one of them has an UNFRIENDLY personality, or if they're all equally very pleasant and polite?

There is absolutely zero information in the physical descriptions of the four candidates that shows their ability, skill, or experience. The only candidate who's ability was mentioned was the African male accountant. NO ONE else's ability was even mentioned, therefore assessing that the African male accountant is the BEST candidate is still an ASSUMPTION. He might have received recognition, but the others may have also, and may have received more. OR, they may have not received any.

There is not enough information to make a decision, or assess which accountant would be the most reliable and skilled.

AND YET, we humans will make that decision ANYWAY, based on nothing more than our own pre-conditioned subconscious beliefs that are not based at all in reality. And we will actually pat ourselves on the back, comfortably believing that we made the best choice.

We project these same conditioned false beliefs onto those around us, and onto OURSELVES as well. So if we've been conditioned to believe that MEN ARE NOT GOOD AT LAUNDRY (because they're somehow mentally deficient in this area), we'll project that onto our husbands, brothers, and SONS. That means we are sending them the message that we believe they have a mental deficiency! How cruel is that, and how presumptuous? It certainly isn't giving them any support or boost of confidence.

And if we are a MAN who grew up in this same "belief system", we will believe this about OURSELVES, and about other men around us. Buying into a belief that we are "deficient" in something as basic as laundry, and BASED ON OUR PHYSICAL BODIES that we were BORN with, is about as self-defeating and self-sabotaging as one can get. But we were TAUGHT this ridiculous belief by others around us, and even though it's obviously a fallacy, we internalized it, and made it seem like a part of the fabric of the human species. Like it's TRUE, and real.

We are doing our sons a disservice when we project such lame deficiencies on them, and their future wives will probably believe it about them as well if they grew up in a similar culture. And our sons will project their false beliefs that they were conditioned to believe onto their own wives and DAUGHTERS, knocking them down the totem poll, which is devastating to any child's development. If our son ends up having a son and a daughter, how will he raise them if his subconscious believes that one of them is superior to the other? Even if it's in "only certain areas", he is going to ASSUME that one of them is INFERIOR to the other, and he'll treat them accordingly. He won't care about finding out what each child is actually interested in, or what each child wants to learn, or what each child is inspired to do. He'll simply teach one of them certain things, and the other something else, and he won't even question himself.
If he has bought into the cultural stereotype that girls can't play baseball like boys can, or aren't interested, then he will probably play catch and practice hitting for hours on end with his son, creating a wonderful parent-child bond, but he'll leave his daughter out. If he does include her, he'll treat her like a little "mascot", not really teaching her much at all or giving her expectations, but treat his son as the "real deal".
If his wife has been conditioned in the same way, she will GO ALONG WITH IT, and discipline their daughter when she expresses being upset about it, or dismiss her sadness and protests completely.

Humans And Companionship

Humans are hard-wired for companionship. We're biologically "group animals". Our brains are designed for us to live and survive with other humans, around other humans, next to other humans.

Optimally, our ideal living situation is to live in close proximity to one or more human beings who have healthy boundaries, who are mutually respectful, supportive, and lighthearted, who are honest and straightforward, and who respect one another genuinely.

When we live in close proximity with humans who are controlling, critical, and/or domineering, we are not living in an optimum environment for us to flourish. Like plants that are kept in a small container, our growth is stunted. When we live near others who don't respect us as persons, or our personal space, or our possessions, we can become anxious and depressed. Our ability to function is slowed and thwarted, and sometimes even halted.
Controllers will often sabotage the growth and function of their targets, and then blame the targets for their lack of growth and function, just like a person who buys a rosebush but puts it in the shed and doesn't water it, and then says it was a defective rose bush.

When we live alone, we don't have to deal with a Controller in our midst, but we are also missing the positive elements of good companionship.

It's a Catch-22 for we Human beings. We're supposed to have companionship and live near and with others, but those others need to be positive, respectful, and supportive (and us as well) in order for everyone to grow and live happy and healthy. In such an environment, anyone who needs extra support or help receives it as a matter of course, no big heroism required, everyone is already there.
But if the others are non-supportive, disrespectful, and self-centered, then the only time anyone who needs support and extra help will get it is when someone stands up against the negative current and rescues them. This is not how it's supposed to be. Heroism isn't needed in a genuinely healthy and functioning human environment.

So unless we are living and interacting on a daily basis with or near positive, emotionally healthy and integrity-minded human beings, our environment is not "optimal" for our health and happiness. Just like any other creature; plant or animal. We aren't always "at fault" for not being completely happy and feeling completely "whole", our surroundings play a large role. We ARE one of the humans who are making the environment either more positive or more negative for ourselves and others, and at the same time we are not, as individuals, WHOLLY responsible for the entire environment. We are responsible, and so is everyone else.

Oppression

Those who oppress only target those whom they fear are more powerful than themselves.

You Are Not A "Clearance" Item

"You are not a throw away object, don't let people treat you like one. You are precious, irreplaceable, there's no one like you. There's a price over your head and it reads 'expensive', people like you don't come cheap, so don't sell out or give yourself away."

~ Red Light Runners Anonymous

THANK YOU CUSTOMER SERVICE PROFESSIONALS

A note of sincere thanks and gratitude to customer service, technical support, sales and any other position that deals directly with customers.
Those of you who are straightforward, sincerely helpful, respectful and genuinely courteous toward customers are the ones who are holding up their place of business. Customers are all of us. Rude and arrogant direct customer service employees (and departments run by rude, arrogant management) turn simple, neutral questions and tasks into great labyrinths, hoop jumping, and dramatic episodes. When we have to deal with disrespect, dishonesty, condescension, smoke and mirrors, and arrogant incompetence, it literally makes our day more stressful and our goals more difficult to meet. It raises our levels of certain chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol, which corrode our bodies and change our hormonal balance, and impacts our mental ability making other tasks harder for us even if we don't realize it.
The customer is the reason the company exists, not the other way around. 
So after dealing with jerk after smoke-blower after snotty attitude, when we happen upon an actual professionally-minded employee who's doing their job with genuine courtesy and respect, it's like the sun coming out after a week of rain storms.
Unfortunately in this current era there seems to be a whole lot of terrible customer service, why they keep their jobs is a mystery to me, except for the fact that managers tend to hire people who are like themselves, especially if they're arrogant and cliquey, and will find a way to fire those who "outshine" them in some way.
All that being said, if you deal directly with customers, and you're one of those people who are consistently respectful, courteous, and genuinely helpful toward customers (not just toward who you happen to like)~ THANK YOU! 
Your lone pleasant, honest, real voice can make a day more pleasant for one customer, but it can also be the one beacon of hope and relief in another customer's life. Please keep doing what you're doing, and know that it really is YOU who is keeping good customers coming back, and who puts the face of COMPETENCE on the business you represent.

Special Treatment

Believe it or not, many human beings often reserve their approval and support for those whom they're seeking it FROM. The basis of favoritism and bias is giving in order to receive something back, such as attention, affection, approval, or recognition. When we don't seek a certain person's approval because we don't see them as "higher" than ourselves in status, we may not pay much  attention to them at all. Sometimes we humans even treat those whom we don't want approval from with active disrespect and rejection; an attempt to display "dominance" and superior status. But with those whom we DO want approval FROM, we make a point of going out of our way to make a display out of GIVING them our approval and support, giving accolades, giving compliments and sympathy, even giving extra material gifts and extra emotional support. The phenomenon of celebrities, business "leaders", and politicians getting free gifts and special treatment everywhere they go is due to this human tendency to GIVE in order to RECEIVE.
Oprah Winfrey marveled at the way famous people get free stuff and special treatment thrown at them when they don't need it, but before you're famous, when you're struggling and living on Ramen Noodles, 'special favors' are few and far between.
Not all human beings do this, but those who do will do it when it comes to celebrities and also may do this in their local communities, at their place of work, in local businesses, with children in the community and at school, and in their own families. Social Media exposes this tendency quite starkly.

Be Easier, Be Lighter

Be easier on yourself, be easier on others. Judgmental attitudes and the projection of shame cause darkness, not light. The fact is, the human brain is a very complex and fragile organ; trauma and serious stress can turn even a brilliant nuclear physicist into a person who can barely keep track of their basic daily survival routine. The people around them will either act as hammers and nails in their coffin, or act as caring facilitators of their recovery. We all choose which one of those we are being toward someone else every day. Do we act as high and mighty judge and jury, condemning others, behaving as if we are untouchable by the hand of fate and trauma, and not responsible or accountable for the well-being of others? Or do we keep our brains switched "on" and remember that we are indeed making a huge impact in the lives of others, just by the way we treat them alone? Do we take from others, or do we give? Do we blame and condemn others, or do we understand what respect and empathy really are? Do we try to avoid responsibility and accountability by blaming people for the things that have happened to them, or do we act as true adults, remembering that we are, actually, our sister's and brother's keepers? We choose, every day, whether we are making a positive impact on the world we live in, or a negative. We can't always be perfect, but we can always keep trying

Crystalline

Let me skate on the clear and fast high notes of your spirit song

M.M.Black 

Narcissism Flag: Envy

Narcissism flag:
Negative reaction to another person's noticeable level of talent, skill, intelligence, natural attractiveness, knowledge, caring/empathy, or "sunny" disposition.
~
The person does not have to be MORE attractive, talented, or intelligent, etc, just enough for the Narcissist to take notice and feel threatened, like they're worried that someone ELSE is going to notice the person, and Heaven forbid, LIKE them, or recognize their ability.  

Fighting For Equality? Or Privilege?

Time and again I find it so strange that so many who champion "equality" for races and ancestries, even making careers out of their cause, making lots of money and garnering recognition and prestige, will simply shrug or slam the door shut when someone brings up sexism and gender bias.
You don't even have to indicate which bias you're talking about, they just can't stand the subject, PERIOD.
If they do start talking, it's usually defensive or hostile, which is always a clear indication that it's something personal to them, something they're attached to.
I have yet to see anyone who is always up in arms about racial equality, or human rights regarding poverty and wealth, put their energy, their mouth, their time, or their money into championing genuine equality and respect in regard to gender, and certainly not for any woman of a different RACE than their own.
Integrity, equality, and genuine respect is DEVOID of superiority, hatred, and desire to dominate or be served. Those who want REAL equality want it for every single human on the planet, and they want it FULLY for each person. They don't want MORE rights and privileges for themselves, and they don't want to TAKE AWAY rights and privileges from someone else.

If they see a black man getting treated with disrespect just because he's black, and it infuriates them, then WHY don't they feel the same fury when they see a black WOMAN getting treated with disrespect by a black man, just because she's a woman? 

Why do those who are making a good living defending the "equal rights" of one group IGNORE the rights of other groups who get stomped on? Why do they make a HUGE DEAL about smaller injustices and unfairness to certain people, but seem oblivious to huge injustices against others? Sometimes even trying to JUSTIFY blatant disrespect, horrific abuse, criminal behavior, and obvious bigotry that others have dealt with or are going through?

Because, it's not about genuine equality. It's about equal PRIVILEGE and superiority. 

"I want what he has... I don't want YOU to have it, I just want it for myself and those who are just like ME. And what he has includes being superior to YOU..."

Many will do a similar thing when it comes to anyone dealing with blatant unfairness and injustice who is from a different "race", a different ancestry, a different financial status, even a different hair color or skin tone. Equality and integrity do not change according to our personal prejudices and ego issues, or our resentment issues; they remain the SAME for ALL human beings, or they don't exist at all. We are NOT "championing" any kind of "equality" or "human rights" unless we fully include BOTH SEXES, and every human no matter what their skin, hair, eyes, face, or body looks like. You aren't championing "equal rights" as a principle when you're only fighting for people who are virtually clones of you.


 

Treating You Like You're Invisible Or Incompetent

The skewed and/or absent feedback from narcissistic friends, family members, and partners can cause serious anxiety and depression, especially when one cares deeply for the other person.
Skewed feedback can come in the form of criticism and insults; for example a person who completes a painting, and the "feedback" they receive from their so-called friend is critical and insulting.

It can come in the form of pretending, such as pretending a person is not capable of, experienced in, or knowledgeable about certain things that they actually are. For example when a family member is an obviously experienced animal caregiver, but other family members pay a kennel instead of asking them to watch their pets while they go on vacation. (Completely different from "not wanting to burden someone", especially since they often make other demands on the person, and rarely give any indication of "respecting their space" any other time.)

It can come in the form of passive-aggressive advice-giving, which is meant to purposely give the message "You don't know what you're doing or talking about, you're not that bright, you're just a novice and a beginner", such as giving basic cooking advice to an experienced cook, or giving basic photography instruction to an experienced photographer, or explaining how to change automotive oil and why it's important to a person who is in the process of changing their oil. Explaining what frets are to a person who plays guitar. Explaining 'what it's like' to be a writer to a person who is a writer. Giving detailed advice and instruction about repairing a hole in a wall to a professional contractor.

It can come in the form of "giving help", which is often used as a domination weapon, implying that the "helper" is far and away more capable, more stable, and/or physically stronger than the other person, and that the other person CAN'T do the task without assistance.

Absent feedback is when they simply act as if the person is invisible, or that nothing the person does is visible. 

They may keep talking and behaving normally, as if nothing is happening when a person is in obvious distress.  

They may behave as if nothing at all happened, directly after the person just suffered a tragedy, a serious violation against them, an injury, a serious illness, or some kind of major difficulty. They may completely ignore a person's presence.
They may totally refrain from acknowledging a person's accomplishments and milestones.
They may ignore invitations from this person.
They will often not invite this person to celebrations or gatherings, as if the person is not a "real" member of their group/family, or a "real" person.
They often behave the same way toward the person's children.
They may simply ignore communications from the other person.

They will usually completely deny and mentally "delete" their own behavior toward the person, and use the person's reactions as "justification" for continued disrespectful treatment, such as:

Because they have left the person out of normal family or friend events and celebrations, the person no longer tries to keep in contact with them, and has stopped trying. So they will say that the "reason" they don't invite the person to anything is because the person doesn't seem to "care about them", because they don't keep in contact or show up to any events. They simply delete the reality that they have been treating the person like a non-member of the family and THAT'S why the person stopped trying to keep contact with them. As far as they're concerned, they have accomplished their goal of ostracizing the person they had been targeting all along.

This is all literally an attempt to either make the person "smaller" in their life, or themselves "bigger"/"more important" than the other person. It's often motivated by either envy, fear (either of the person, or fear of someone who doesn't like the person), or a serious supremacy complex.

Why We Listen To One Person But Not Another

During childhood, we develop a "feeling" of who is who, and this feeling stays with us. We choose early which kind of people are leaders, and which kind of people are care-givers. Some of us also think of certain kinds of people as smarter, as dumber, as "expert" and more capable, and as "ignorant" and less capable. What we decide in our youths, we internalize and believe as the "way the world re...ally is".

We don't remember anything about the process, because we were kids.

So we don't remember the teachers letting certain girls make fun of the boys in first grade, and that our young minds decided that "girls are mean and don't get in trouble for it".
We don't remember that certain boys bullied the girls every day in second grade, and our young minds decided that "boys are bullies and don't get in trouble for it".
We don't connect that time in third grade when three brothers ambushed us and beat us up to the way we give "extra respect" to men who act "tough". (We think it's respect, but it's really fear from a suppressed memory.)
We don't remember that some adults around us were always making racial slurs, or putting those of a different color down, and that's the reason we see those of a different race in a negative light.
We don't remember adults separating children by gender, and we don't connect the adults making insulting remarks about one sex or the other with our own prejudices.
We don't remember that everyone listened whenever one person spoke, but ignored, argued, or rudely interrupted whenever another person spoke, which shaped our perception of "who to listen to" and "who to ignore".
We forgot about how when one person made jokes, everyone giggled and laughed, even if it wasn't funny or they didn't get it, just to fit in and be accepted as one of the gang. We don't connect that this imprinted in our subconscious "Who Is Allowed To Be Funny".
We don't remember that adults PURPOSELY taught certain kids how to do certain things, and didn't ALLOW other kids to participate in learning, doing, or practicing those things. We end up believing that some people are NATURALLY capable of this or that, and NATURALLY INCAPABLE of this or that, instead of remembering that it was all ORCHESTRATED.

We even think we ourselves are incapable of many things because of our childhood experiences and "training".
This is how conditioning works. Some of it is done on purpose, some of it is done inadvertently because of the conditioning that older people already went through. All of it could be healed if people wanted to heal it, but many want to stay in their illusion because they're used to it, or because they see it as giving them power. What it really does is cripples the human spirit, halting true progress and peace.

Rejection

Most people are ten times more likely to reject another person because of "personality conflict" than because of actual wrong-doing. Humans will single out another person who simply doesn't "rub them the right way", but who is actually trustworthy, honest, straightforward and kind. However they will keep connections with another person who compliments their ego and is "easy to get along with" (for them), regardless of what they actually DO. Basically, most humans will keep their connections with backstabbers, liars, criminals, manipulators, abusers, and control freaks, as long as they don't do anything that feels like it pokes at their OWN ego, or as long as they do all those things to someone ELSE (even in their own family or friendship circle). But they'll reject (and often even slander) an honest person with strong values in a heartbeat the moment they don't go along with them.
WHY? Because of their perceived threat to their ego and agenda. An honest person with strong values might see through all the smoke and mirrors.

Miley Cyrus and the Price of Success

First they trash her because she's a child-idol (oh what a great reason to trash someone)... then they trash her because "she only made it because of her father"... now they trash her because of her performance with the "twerking" and Robin Thicke, and she had black back up singers. So...wait, let me get this straight:  Miley Cyrus apparently controls Robin Thicke, no other humans were involved in her wardrobe or choreography, and she also made those women be her background back up singers against their will, probably didn't even pay them... in fact, she probably orchestrated the entire show and threatened Robin Thicke to force him to participate. Heck she's probably not even a HUMAN! No REAL human has blue eyes like that, and a body like that... She's one of those robots that aliens sent here, like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera, and Brittany Spears, isn't she?! Adele isn't one, because no one made her dance (I mean... she didn't MAKE ANYONE LET HER dance.) But that doesn't explain why Taylor Swift gets unnecessary negativity...  Oh wait... or could it be... nahh, it couldn't. Humans aren't petty, envious, self-righteous, prejudice, or hateful! I mean they would NEVER judge one person MORE than they judge another, just because of their ancestry, gender, or their body type! Would they??? It COULDN'T be because they're all thin, white, and blondish, could it? NO! And definitely not because they're female... Everyone treats thin, young blonde women like "one of the guys", no one EVER trashes them, leaves them out of their cliques, makes fun of them, singles them out, or tries to turn people against them. Ever! They never, ever walk into a room and get whispered about by total strangers, or sneered at right to their face, or stepped in front of on purpose, or bumped into just to show little hissy "monkey dominance", no one EVER treats them like their automatically spoiled brats solely based on the way they look! EVER!
Everything that happens to them is ALWAYS their fault! Their fault, their fault, THEIR FAULT! No one else's... that poor, poor Robin Thicke... I wonder what she put him through... we should all feel pity for the poor boy, and for those poor back up singers too... it's not like they EARNED those spots or anything, it's not like they WANTED to sing back-up on a National Stage and get their hard-earned vocals HEARD. Nope, it's all Miley's fault, let's focus just on trashing her, isn't that what life's all about?
Oh and one more thing... speaking on behalf of female humans, you don't get to complain about "racial unfairness", using it as some kind of catapult for your career, if your REALITY is sexism and racial prejudice. If you don't have true respect and equality in your head and heart, and you're treating some people like they're lower than you when you think no one else can hear you, then SHUT UP. Get off the stage. There's not even any such thing as "race", look it up (in the SCIENCE journals). Anyone who really wants peace and equality doesn't DIVIDE people just so they can drum up business for themselves. (Oh it's all show biz, isn't it?! So it's show biz when YOU'RE doing it, but not when MILEY is doing it... riiiiight...)  Supporting the back-up singers would have a lot more talk about THEM as SINGERS in it, with some dignity, and they deserve it.     

Everyone is "so disgusted" with that performance... So, what exactly has everyone been watching and listening to all these years? Mr. Rogers? Yep. So which HBO show is your favorite...? No HBO? Which reality show, which soap opera, which porn site, which rap song, rock song, dance song, strip club, Hooter's, etc, etcetera, ETCETERA, AD NAUSEUM. 
You gotta be kidding me.  
 
Hypocrisy at its most ridiculous. 
I've been disgusted for years. I just don't pick and choose ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE to be "disgusted" by, and just ignore what people I PERSONALLY LIKE are doing, and pretend they're pure as the Driven Snow...

Why Do They Call It Malignant Narcissism

Why do they call it "Malignant Narcissism"?
Watch "The Crucible"
Read history.
Pay closer attention to how and why people listen to one person but not another, how they treat one person better than another.
Read about Hitler and his buddies.
Read about Genghis Khan.
Pay closer attention to the news.
Read about Charles Manson and Jim Jones.
Pay closer attention to the contradictions in what Politicians say, and what they do.
Watch "The Sopranos"
Watch "Survivor"

Read about Jesus Christ.

Read about Hypatia.
Make the connections, match the similarities, see the patterns.
Be careful about knee-jerk-defending everything you like and identify with, and look at it more objectively.
Read the actual lyrics of the songs that you've been listening to your whole life.
Look how easily people will turn on one another in order to follow someone they don't even know, like a politician, or a religious leader, or an anti-religious leader.
Look how easily people will turn on their friends and family or scapegoat one of them in order to feel superior, or to gain or keep something else for themselves, whether material or otherwise.
Look how easily people will turn on one another, period.
Pay closer attention to how so many just go along with negative implications, slander, and malicious rumors about others, but rarely stand up for others being targeted, nor seek any facts out for themselves.
Read or watch "Snow White" and "Cinderella".
Watch and hear what people do and say when someone brings up the subject.
Pay attention to how easily people will condemn others, and how often they will try to turn others completely against another person.

Pay closer attention, period. It can happen to anyone, at any time, for no reason at all except something gone sideways in a "Narcissist"'s head.

Awareness and genuine maturity are the only effective "weapons" against it; without those, we are sitting ducks. Most people don't take it seriously because they don't want to face the uncomfortable reality, so they make fun of it, or pretend it's not "really real", or that it happens "somewhere else", and that's exactly why it has repeated itself throughout history, and will keep repeating as long as humans keep hiding themselves from themselves.