This is the weblog of a person I greatly admired, Mr. James E. Bennett.
He was a brilliant musician, writer, philosopher, artist, "thinker", philanthropist, and teacher, an avid Historian, a voracious reader with an unquenchable appetite for all things Science Fiction, and with a wonderful sense of humor to boot. You were loved very much, and you are missed, Mr. Bennett.
http://hectorowen.blogspot.com/
Who Cares About Human Behavior!
There
are as many reasons for seeking understanding as there are human beings
on the Earth. The most important of these are one's own.
Funny Guy In The Group
Games People Play, vying for status and dominance
~
Why don't people like to talk about this stuff?
(Because it's embarrassing to find out that you've been taken for a ride...
because a lot of people feel like talking about human behavior is the same thing as getting blamed or accused...
and last but definitely not least, those who are magicians, cons, and manipulators don't want their tricks exposed.)
~
So how come when Scott tells a joke, any joke, everyone laughs and acts like he's so funny, but when Jeffrey tells the same joke, people ignore him, don't listen to him, or ridicule him?
If you ask anyone, they'll all say something like "Scott's just a funny guy!" or "Jeff's just not funny..." or "Scott has that way about him", or "Jeff's just doing it for attention..." Maybe they'll say it's "Chi"...
Here's the thing... it's not about SCOTT or JEFF, really, it's more about the people around them.
If you took Scott and put him in a different crowd of people, the chances of them laughing at his every joke go right down the tubes. Ask any professional comedian about it. The reason everyone in Scott's group is laughing at his every joke, but treating Jeff like he couldn't make a baby laugh if he tickled him, is because everyone in that group WANTS SCOTT to be the "funny guy" in that group. They DON'T WANT JEFF to be a "funny guy", because that would wreck the way the group is "set up".
Scott being the "funny guy" is part of the illusion of SOCIAL STATUS and Hierarchy in that particular group. It's a "position" that seems earned, and Scott has probably learned tricks and cues about making certain people laugh, but that's only half the picture.
In another group, JEFF is the "funny guy". They wouldn't even like Scott very much, never mind laugh at his jokes. The people in that group aren't stupid, or crazy, or ignorant, so what's the reason they make Jeff the "funny guy" in their group, but not Scott?
In the group that makes Scott the "funny guy", the REAL "leaders" inside of that group don't feel threatened by Scott. They don't MIND that he gets more laughs than they do, or that people like him, because it doesn't MESS UP the "Hierarchy" that they already have in place. Now if Scott was exactly the same but of a different race, or if he was a "SHE", or even if he had a different body type or height, the story would almost certainly play out differently. Scott FITS IN with the illusion of hierarchy that is already SET UP, his popularity does not change the hidden "power" positions of others. But Jeff does NOT fit into the current "hierarchy", so everyone is GUIDED AWAY from supporting and respecting him!
IN OTHER WORDS... the Controllers in the group are AFRAID that if people started liking JEFF, they would STOP liking THEM, or allowing them to have their control and hierarchy.
Over time, that same group stops treating Scott with the same approval and respect... did Scott change so much that now he doesn't "deserve" it anymore? Or could it be that someone in the group is jealous of him, or worried that he's not falling in line anymore with their ever present agendas? Did Scott do something "crazy" like stick up for someone else, or show that he's not really aligned with the whole "social hierarchy" thing?
The first thing to know about human group behavior is that you don't have to make EVERYONE laugh, or approve of you, support, respect, or like you; you only have to get the "Controllers" to accept and like you. Other people will FOLLOW THEIR LEAD. If the "Controllers" laugh, so will most of the others. JUST LIKE when one person points to the sky on a crowded street and everyone looks up. It goes from there; the other members in the group learn and follow along with "what the Controllers think is funny". Anyone who DOES NOT follow is just ignored and treated like they DON'T FIT IN, like they're "weird" or "uncool".
The underlying truth is, those in the group who have Control and Status Issues only "allow" certain people to be graced with positive attention, respect, and support. Those certain people don't threaten their ego or agenda, they fit in with the Control and Ego motivations of those people.
Sometimes a person is "allowed" to get positive attention (even a Leadership position) because they're just easier to manipulate, they make good chess pieces. The others in the group just go along with it, and don't really question or look at it in any depth.
It's because of the different status, power, and hierarchy agendas in each group, and WHO has ego and control issues, and how DEEP and FAR those issues and agendas go. Only certain KINDS of people, and certain individuals, are "allowed" to get positive attention and support in a given group. Others are "kept down" with all kinds of social signals, controls, blocks, and interactions.
With Scott and Jeff, everyone laughs when Scott jokes, which sends the message that "We Like Scott" "We Let Scott Be A Leader". Everyone NOT laughing at Jeff's jokes, and making critical or demeaning comments at him sends the message "We Don't Take Jeff Seriously", "We Don't Really Respect Or Support Jeff", "We Don't Allow Him To Be Important". All of that ALSO sends the message of: "You Have To Agree With Us If You Want To Be Part Of Our Group".
~
For Scott personally, that all translates to having more freedom of expression (people won't criticize him or shut him down, they're afraid of embarrassment or social consequences), freedom of movement, and more approval, support, and respect for OTHER things he does in his life
(as long as those things don't threaten the egos or agendas of the Controllers).
For Jeff personally, that all translates to having less freedom of expression within the group (people don't feel bad about criticizing him or shutting him down, it's already accepted that it's 'okay' to do that to him), less freedom of movement, and not JUST a lack of support for other things he does in his life, but an increase in disrespect, fault-finding, and even blocking or sabotage. People are not worried about consequences for treating Jeff poorly, and they don't see a REWARD for themselves for treating Jeff with common courtesy, support, or even fair respect.
This whole scenario can be applied to anything; who gets to be the "Artist" in a group, and who's artwork gets ignored, dismissed, or criticized~Who gets to be the "Cook" and who's cooking ability gets diminished and swept aside~ Who gets to be the "Wise One" and who gets treated with blatant disrespect~ Who gets support, praise, positive attention and "respect" for practically anything they say and do, and who gets treated like a fool, an ignorant, an incompetent, unstable, or a "born loser" no matter what they say or do?
It's all about control, ego, and agenda. In a stable, non-issued, agenda-free group or region, each person would get supported, socially respected, and treated with fairness and courtesy in whatever they're doing as a matter of general principle; there would be no "cherry picking" of human beings.
Why do so few people seem to notice the disparity in the way one person is treated compared to another, and why do they FIGHT AGAINST looking at it objectively?
~
Why don't people like to talk about this stuff?
(Because it's embarrassing to find out that you've been taken for a ride...
because a lot of people feel like talking about human behavior is the same thing as getting blamed or accused...
and last but definitely not least, those who are magicians, cons, and manipulators don't want their tricks exposed.)
~
So how come when Scott tells a joke, any joke, everyone laughs and acts like he's so funny, but when Jeffrey tells the same joke, people ignore him, don't listen to him, or ridicule him?
If you ask anyone, they'll all say something like "Scott's just a funny guy!" or "Jeff's just not funny..." or "Scott has that way about him", or "Jeff's just doing it for attention..." Maybe they'll say it's "Chi"...
Here's the thing... it's not about SCOTT or JEFF, really, it's more about the people around them.
If you took Scott and put him in a different crowd of people, the chances of them laughing at his every joke go right down the tubes. Ask any professional comedian about it. The reason everyone in Scott's group is laughing at his every joke, but treating Jeff like he couldn't make a baby laugh if he tickled him, is because everyone in that group WANTS SCOTT to be the "funny guy" in that group. They DON'T WANT JEFF to be a "funny guy", because that would wreck the way the group is "set up".
Scott being the "funny guy" is part of the illusion of SOCIAL STATUS and Hierarchy in that particular group. It's a "position" that seems earned, and Scott has probably learned tricks and cues about making certain people laugh, but that's only half the picture.
In another group, JEFF is the "funny guy". They wouldn't even like Scott very much, never mind laugh at his jokes. The people in that group aren't stupid, or crazy, or ignorant, so what's the reason they make Jeff the "funny guy" in their group, but not Scott?
In the group that makes Scott the "funny guy", the REAL "leaders" inside of that group don't feel threatened by Scott. They don't MIND that he gets more laughs than they do, or that people like him, because it doesn't MESS UP the "Hierarchy" that they already have in place. Now if Scott was exactly the same but of a different race, or if he was a "SHE", or even if he had a different body type or height, the story would almost certainly play out differently. Scott FITS IN with the illusion of hierarchy that is already SET UP, his popularity does not change the hidden "power" positions of others. But Jeff does NOT fit into the current "hierarchy", so everyone is GUIDED AWAY from supporting and respecting him!
IN OTHER WORDS... the Controllers in the group are AFRAID that if people started liking JEFF, they would STOP liking THEM, or allowing them to have their control and hierarchy.
Over time, that same group stops treating Scott with the same approval and respect... did Scott change so much that now he doesn't "deserve" it anymore? Or could it be that someone in the group is jealous of him, or worried that he's not falling in line anymore with their ever present agendas? Did Scott do something "crazy" like stick up for someone else, or show that he's not really aligned with the whole "social hierarchy" thing?
The first thing to know about human group behavior is that you don't have to make EVERYONE laugh, or approve of you, support, respect, or like you; you only have to get the "Controllers" to accept and like you. Other people will FOLLOW THEIR LEAD. If the "Controllers" laugh, so will most of the others. JUST LIKE when one person points to the sky on a crowded street and everyone looks up. It goes from there; the other members in the group learn and follow along with "what the Controllers think is funny". Anyone who DOES NOT follow is just ignored and treated like they DON'T FIT IN, like they're "weird" or "uncool".
The underlying truth is, those in the group who have Control and Status Issues only "allow" certain people to be graced with positive attention, respect, and support. Those certain people don't threaten their ego or agenda, they fit in with the Control and Ego motivations of those people.
Sometimes a person is "allowed" to get positive attention (even a Leadership position) because they're just easier to manipulate, they make good chess pieces. The others in the group just go along with it, and don't really question or look at it in any depth.
It's because of the different status, power, and hierarchy agendas in each group, and WHO has ego and control issues, and how DEEP and FAR those issues and agendas go. Only certain KINDS of people, and certain individuals, are "allowed" to get positive attention and support in a given group. Others are "kept down" with all kinds of social signals, controls, blocks, and interactions.
With Scott and Jeff, everyone laughs when Scott jokes, which sends the message that "We Like Scott" "We Let Scott Be A Leader". Everyone NOT laughing at Jeff's jokes, and making critical or demeaning comments at him sends the message "We Don't Take Jeff Seriously", "We Don't Really Respect Or Support Jeff", "We Don't Allow Him To Be Important". All of that ALSO sends the message of: "You Have To Agree With Us If You Want To Be Part Of Our Group".
~
For Scott personally, that all translates to having more freedom of expression (people won't criticize him or shut him down, they're afraid of embarrassment or social consequences), freedom of movement, and more approval, support, and respect for OTHER things he does in his life
(as long as those things don't threaten the egos or agendas of the Controllers).
For Jeff personally, that all translates to having less freedom of expression within the group (people don't feel bad about criticizing him or shutting him down, it's already accepted that it's 'okay' to do that to him), less freedom of movement, and not JUST a lack of support for other things he does in his life, but an increase in disrespect, fault-finding, and even blocking or sabotage. People are not worried about consequences for treating Jeff poorly, and they don't see a REWARD for themselves for treating Jeff with common courtesy, support, or even fair respect.
This whole scenario can be applied to anything; who gets to be the "Artist" in a group, and who's artwork gets ignored, dismissed, or criticized~Who gets to be the "Cook" and who's cooking ability gets diminished and swept aside~ Who gets to be the "Wise One" and who gets treated with blatant disrespect~ Who gets support, praise, positive attention and "respect" for practically anything they say and do, and who gets treated like a fool, an ignorant, an incompetent, unstable, or a "born loser" no matter what they say or do?
It's all about control, ego, and agenda. In a stable, non-issued, agenda-free group or region, each person would get supported, socially respected, and treated with fairness and courtesy in whatever they're doing as a matter of general principle; there would be no "cherry picking" of human beings.
Why do so few people seem to notice the disparity in the way one person is treated compared to another, and why do they FIGHT AGAINST looking at it objectively?
Anxiety in Dysfunctional Environments
Codependent and Narcissistic environments often find a person with seemingly free-floating negative feelings that don't appear to be attached to specific events. However, if one were to observe closely and objective, one would fine that specific events are quite present, just covered up, rationalized, or justified. A person in such an environment can find themselves with:
~A pervasive feeling of doing something wrong or inadequate, no matter what one is doing or what's going on
~the feeling of being less capable of doing things or learning how to do things than others
~the feeling that others believe one to be incapable, weak, less intelligent, clumsy, or emotionally unstable
~a feeling of always waiting for the "other shoe to drop";anxiety about social or group situations
~feelings of dread about social, school, or work situations or other group situations
~suspicion or knowledge that one is being gossiped about, triangulated against, sabotaged, slandered, or plotted against
~suspicion or awareness of disrespectful, cold, unfair, unethical, uncaring, or even cruel treatment from an individual, or others in a group
~the feeling that events, plans, and information are being hidden or lied about
~the feeling that others seem to "see" a person as very different from who or what one is really like
~pervasive, ongoing guilt and shame for not being able to make others completely happy, for not doing enough for them in daily regular life, for not being nice enough, available enough, generous enough no matter what one does, and even if others are able-bodied and not suffering from trauma or illness.
~feeling like a "lower-status" person in a group
~may try to dominate or scapegoat others in the group, or try to make them look or feel like they're "lower status" in order to remedy one's own feelings
~feeling frustrated like one is being blocked, ignored, and dismissed
~feeling like one is self-centered, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic when doing basic self-care, buying basic self-care products, maintaining or buying things that are considered "normal" in the society, or even buying or making food for one's self.
~feeling like one is self-centered, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic when making positive announcements about one's own self, aspirations, plans, and life, or when seeking sympathy, empathy, or help when needing anything or dealing with hardship
~feeling shame or guilt for other feelings such as sadness, frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, enthusiasm, happiness, joy, or excitement
~feeling shame, guilt, anxiety, even frustration, desperation, or depression around holidays and other celebrations; and when there is any scheduling issue regarding other people.
~feeling shame, guilt, or anxiety (sometimes even panic) whenever one is trying to get something specific done that is not FOR someone else.
~feeling like one is blamed too often, judged too harshly, treated unfairly, and uncared for by both individuals and the group in general.
~feeling like one is being watched and reported on
If these feelings seem familiar, look up "Invalidation", "Passive Aggressive", "Codependency" and "Narcissism". There is quite a lot of information available right on the Internet to help one learn about what they're dealing with, both with the other people around them, and with themselves.
A couple of recommended links:
Light's Blog
Redlight Runners Anonymous
Passive Aggressive
~A pervasive feeling of doing something wrong or inadequate, no matter what one is doing or what's going on
~the feeling of being less capable of doing things or learning how to do things than others
~the feeling that others believe one to be incapable, weak, less intelligent, clumsy, or emotionally unstable
~a feeling of always waiting for the "other shoe to drop";anxiety about social or group situations
~feelings of dread about social, school, or work situations or other group situations
~suspicion or knowledge that one is being gossiped about, triangulated against, sabotaged, slandered, or plotted against
~suspicion or awareness of disrespectful, cold, unfair, unethical, uncaring, or even cruel treatment from an individual, or others in a group
~the feeling that events, plans, and information are being hidden or lied about
~the feeling that others seem to "see" a person as very different from who or what one is really like
~pervasive, ongoing guilt and shame for not being able to make others completely happy, for not doing enough for them in daily regular life, for not being nice enough, available enough, generous enough no matter what one does, and even if others are able-bodied and not suffering from trauma or illness.
~feeling like a "lower-status" person in a group
~may try to dominate or scapegoat others in the group, or try to make them look or feel like they're "lower status" in order to remedy one's own feelings
~feeling frustrated like one is being blocked, ignored, and dismissed
~feeling like one is self-centered, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic when doing basic self-care, buying basic self-care products, maintaining or buying things that are considered "normal" in the society, or even buying or making food for one's self.
~feeling like one is self-centered, selfish, arrogant and narcissistic when making positive announcements about one's own self, aspirations, plans, and life, or when seeking sympathy, empathy, or help when needing anything or dealing with hardship
~feeling shame or guilt for other feelings such as sadness, frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, enthusiasm, happiness, joy, or excitement
~feeling shame, guilt, anxiety, even frustration, desperation, or depression around holidays and other celebrations; and when there is any scheduling issue regarding other people.
~feeling shame, guilt, or anxiety (sometimes even panic) whenever one is trying to get something specific done that is not FOR someone else.
~feeling like one is blamed too often, judged too harshly, treated unfairly, and uncared for by both individuals and the group in general.
~feeling like one is being watched and reported on
If these feelings seem familiar, look up "Invalidation", "Passive Aggressive", "Codependency" and "Narcissism". There is quite a lot of information available right on the Internet to help one learn about what they're dealing with, both with the other people around them, and with themselves.
A couple of recommended links:
Light's Blog
Redlight Runners Anonymous
Passive Aggressive
Being Human
Signs of a mature and secure Human Being:
~Straightforward and honest
~Supportive of the other people in their life
~Compassionate toward the other people in their life
~Respects themselves enough to be respectful toward others
~Recognizes and respects the boundaries and dignity of others, as well as their own.
~Has the emotional, mental, and physical health of others as a regular top priority, as well as their own.
~Protects the reputations of their partner, children, family and friends
~Is strong enough to mean what they say, and say what they mean
~Is secure enough to admit mistakes and to feel remorse for causing pain or problems
~Is strong enough to care about others as well as themselves
~Would step in front of a bus for their partner, children, family or friends, not throw them under one.
~Would rather choose to do what they know is "right" than betray someone for personal gain, comfort, or satisfaction.
~Does not try to manipulate others, control others, or fool others to get what they want and avoid consequences, and knows why those things are wrong.
~Makes genuine commitments willingly and openly.
~Doesn't ever fake commitments he or she is not serious or genuine about.
~Knows what "Tolerance", "Being Real", and "Peace, Love, and Understanding" really are.
~M. M. Black 2013
~Straightforward and honest
~Supportive of the other people in their life
~Compassionate toward the other people in their life
~Respects themselves enough to be respectful toward others
~Recognizes and respects the boundaries and dignity of others, as well as their own.
~Has the emotional, mental, and physical health of others as a regular top priority, as well as their own.
~Protects the reputations of their partner, children, family and friends
~Is strong enough to mean what they say, and say what they mean
~Is secure enough to admit mistakes and to feel remorse for causing pain or problems
~Is strong enough to care about others as well as themselves
~Would step in front of a bus for their partner, children, family or friends, not throw them under one.
~Would rather choose to do what they know is "right" than betray someone for personal gain, comfort, or satisfaction.
~Does not try to manipulate others, control others, or fool others to get what they want and avoid consequences, and knows why those things are wrong.
~Makes genuine commitments willingly and openly.
~Doesn't ever fake commitments he or she is not serious or genuine about.
~Knows what "Tolerance", "Being Real", and "Peace, Love, and Understanding" really are.
~M. M. Black 2013
Paper Cup Telephone Lines
Remember paper cup telephones? They only work if the line is tight, and both ends are being held. In a relationship with a Narcissist, it's like a telephone game between two children where one is being the Commander who gives orders into their cup, and one is being the Private who holds their cup to their ear and listens, and takes orders. No questions asked. Or the Boss and the Assistant, or the Royal and the Servant. One person talks, gives instruction and orders, and the other listens and does what he/she is told; that's the game, if you don't play "right" you're messing it up. Communication only goes one way, but both ends are being held.
~
Imagine what it's like to be the one giving the "commands".
~
Imagine if you had a string or a wire attached directly from you to the other person in your life. A "direct line" from them to you, That is how you like your life to be, that's what feels normal and right to you. A direct line from you to the other person, all the time; so when you pull on the string or send a message over the wire, the person on the other end feels or hears it immediately and responds right away. You know they feel the string pull or hear the message because it's a direct line, and you know they're holding it because the string is tight.
Now, picture having that same kind of direct line to more than one person, in fact every person in your life who's anything more than a distant acquaintance. If you feel that they're a personal connection, then you string the direct line.
Those who are closer to you have shorter, tighter lines, and you fully expect them to respond immediately whenever you give the slightest pull on their string. In fact, you expect them to be considerate enough to watch for you to get ready to pull the string or send a message on the wire; you think this would be the polite thing to do, for them to be vigilant of your needs so you don't HAVE TO pull the string or send a message at all.
~
Having a direct string or wire to each person means that everyone needs to be careful of tangling the strings, or and careful of stepping back and pulling them from your skin. It would hurt if they pulled them, and if they got tangled it would create a mess. If they pulled them out then they wouldn't be attached to you, and therefore wouldn't know when you wanted them.
So, everyone has to make sure they remain orderly and in place, so as not to mess up the lines that are attached to YOU.
~
The lines cannot be crossed because it could create interference, which means your communications could get interrupted or lost. Nor may people attach lines from one to another, because if you summon one of them, they might be busy tending to someone ELSE and won't be able to respond quickly enough.
It doesn't matter how many people you have direct connections to, every one of them is important; if you need a certain thing from a specific person, they MUST be available because only that person can fulfill that particular need. Besides, it's important to have as much back-up as possible.
~
All of the lines only go one way. If you pull on them, they come to you. If someone else pulls on the line, you may answer, but you are not going to move to fulfill their request or their need; these are one-way only.
Like a light bulb with a pull-string: you pull the string, the light goes on. You pull it again, it goes off. The light bulb does not pull the string to make you do anything.
The only exception to this rule is if one of the lines would be pulled out or lost if you didn't do something to help the person (like when a light bulb needs to be changed because it's burned out). Then you might do something because if you don't, you'll risk losing that line, and possibly a couple of other lines as well. You don't want to lose any of them unless they don't "work" at all anymore.
~
There is one or two people whom you have a two-way line with; when they pull on the line, you feel it and immediately jump to ask them what they need. It annoys you very much, even enrages you at times that they have the nerve to do this and expect you to jump for them. In retaliation, you pull on the line right back. They jump when you pull it, and they get angry also. So they pull the line and you jump, and you pull the line and they jump, and you both become angrier and angrier. You threaten to "pull out the line altogether" and so do they, but neither one of you does, because neither one of you wants to give up even ONE of your lines. You are also both afraid that if they pull out their line, it will mess up all the rest of the lines attached to all the other people. You don't want anyone to see someone pulling out a line, they might get ideas...
~
Telephone Line
M.M. Black
~
Imagine what it's like to be the one giving the "commands".
~
Imagine if you had a string or a wire attached directly from you to the other person in your life. A "direct line" from them to you, That is how you like your life to be, that's what feels normal and right to you. A direct line from you to the other person, all the time; so when you pull on the string or send a message over the wire, the person on the other end feels or hears it immediately and responds right away. You know they feel the string pull or hear the message because it's a direct line, and you know they're holding it because the string is tight.
Now, picture having that same kind of direct line to more than one person, in fact every person in your life who's anything more than a distant acquaintance. If you feel that they're a personal connection, then you string the direct line.
Those who are closer to you have shorter, tighter lines, and you fully expect them to respond immediately whenever you give the slightest pull on their string. In fact, you expect them to be considerate enough to watch for you to get ready to pull the string or send a message on the wire; you think this would be the polite thing to do, for them to be vigilant of your needs so you don't HAVE TO pull the string or send a message at all.
~
Having a direct string or wire to each person means that everyone needs to be careful of tangling the strings, or and careful of stepping back and pulling them from your skin. It would hurt if they pulled them, and if they got tangled it would create a mess. If they pulled them out then they wouldn't be attached to you, and therefore wouldn't know when you wanted them.
So, everyone has to make sure they remain orderly and in place, so as not to mess up the lines that are attached to YOU.
~
The lines cannot be crossed because it could create interference, which means your communications could get interrupted or lost. Nor may people attach lines from one to another, because if you summon one of them, they might be busy tending to someone ELSE and won't be able to respond quickly enough.
It doesn't matter how many people you have direct connections to, every one of them is important; if you need a certain thing from a specific person, they MUST be available because only that person can fulfill that particular need. Besides, it's important to have as much back-up as possible.
~
All of the lines only go one way. If you pull on them, they come to you. If someone else pulls on the line, you may answer, but you are not going to move to fulfill their request or their need; these are one-way only.
Like a light bulb with a pull-string: you pull the string, the light goes on. You pull it again, it goes off. The light bulb does not pull the string to make you do anything.
The only exception to this rule is if one of the lines would be pulled out or lost if you didn't do something to help the person (like when a light bulb needs to be changed because it's burned out). Then you might do something because if you don't, you'll risk losing that line, and possibly a couple of other lines as well. You don't want to lose any of them unless they don't "work" at all anymore.
~
There is one or two people whom you have a two-way line with; when they pull on the line, you feel it and immediately jump to ask them what they need. It annoys you very much, even enrages you at times that they have the nerve to do this and expect you to jump for them. In retaliation, you pull on the line right back. They jump when you pull it, and they get angry also. So they pull the line and you jump, and you pull the line and they jump, and you both become angrier and angrier. You threaten to "pull out the line altogether" and so do they, but neither one of you does, because neither one of you wants to give up even ONE of your lines. You are also both afraid that if they pull out their line, it will mess up all the rest of the lines attached to all the other people. You don't want anyone to see someone pulling out a line, they might get ideas...
~
Telephone Line
M.M. Black
Men Lead, Women Follow?
Google the phrase "Men Lead Women Follow" and you will get a quarter of a BILLION hits.
Which begs only one question:
Why the obsession?
Why are human beings apparently obsessed with who "follows" whom, and who "leads" whom?
What is this adamant, relentless obsession with who gets to wear the Crown?
Where does this come from, if humans are so, so, so intelligent and self-aware?
Now for the answer!
What part of the brain will a person use to "answer" these questions?
Where is their "logic" or "evidence" REALLY coming from?
How about let's ask a couple more questions. (If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice!)
If there's a community that is populated only by males, all of whom have the same IQ, the same skill set, and the same school/academic record, who gets to be in charge?
Who gets to decide who's in charge?
Why does anyone want to be in charge of anyone else?
And another one:
If there's a community that is populated only by females, all of whom have the same IQ, the same skill set, and the same school/academic record, which females get to be in charge?
How would it be decided, and who gets to decide?
Why does anyone want the job of being a boss over their equals?
How long would an all-male community stay peaceful, and make progress?
How long would an all-female community?
What would be the focus and goals of an all-female community that was populated by females of equal skill and intelligence? What would they be planning? What would they be working on?
What would be the focus and goals of an all-male community that was populated by males of equal skill and intelligence?
Do you believe you could know the answers to these questions?
How do you perceive people?
Do you perceive males as all being similar to one another, or as diverse individuals with unique abilities and personalities?
Do you perceive females as all being similar to one another, or as diverse individuals with unique abilities and personalities?
Which group would you like to see all of the individuals genuinely free and happy?
Where does that come from inside of you?
Do you really know where it comes from, or do you just think you do?
The answers are within. Happy hunting (or is it gathering?)
Which begs only one question:
Why the obsession?
Why are human beings apparently obsessed with who "follows" whom, and who "leads" whom?
What is this adamant, relentless obsession with who gets to wear the Crown?
Where does this come from, if humans are so, so, so intelligent and self-aware?
Now for the answer!
What part of the brain will a person use to "answer" these questions?
Where is their "logic" or "evidence" REALLY coming from?
How about let's ask a couple more questions. (If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice!)
If there's a community that is populated only by males, all of whom have the same IQ, the same skill set, and the same school/academic record, who gets to be in charge?
Who gets to decide who's in charge?
Why does anyone want to be in charge of anyone else?
And another one:
If there's a community that is populated only by females, all of whom have the same IQ, the same skill set, and the same school/academic record, which females get to be in charge?
How would it be decided, and who gets to decide?
Why does anyone want the job of being a boss over their equals?
How long would an all-male community stay peaceful, and make progress?
How long would an all-female community?
What would be the focus and goals of an all-female community that was populated by females of equal skill and intelligence? What would they be planning? What would they be working on?
What would be the focus and goals of an all-male community that was populated by males of equal skill and intelligence?
Do you believe you could know the answers to these questions?
How do you perceive people?
Do you perceive males as all being similar to one another, or as diverse individuals with unique abilities and personalities?
Do you perceive females as all being similar to one another, or as diverse individuals with unique abilities and personalities?
Which group would you like to see all of the individuals genuinely free and happy?
Where does that come from inside of you?
Do you really know where it comes from, or do you just think you do?
The answers are within. Happy hunting (or is it gathering?)
Why Are People So Immature
People are only as mature as they can handle. They might not be grown-up enough to care about others, or know how to treat people, so the choice falls to you whether you want to put up with it or just leave them where they sit. The last thing you need to do is take them too seriously.
Message To Young People; 20 things
If I could go back in time to my teenage self, I would tell myself a few things:
1) Trust yourself more
2) Believe in yourself more
3) Stay true to yourself and what you know is right
4) Find out what that all means
5) Older people are human beings like you, not some other "tribe"
6) Don't trust people just because you like them, because they're funny, attractive,"cool", or seem mature; look out for manipulation and control, listen to the messages from your feelings, watch for clique, faction, and gang behavior; gauge people's intentions and character by their actual behavior, not by their "apparent coolness" or apparent "lack of coolness". People aren't supposed to cater to your moods, or vice versa. (See number 13)
7) DO your dreams, don't NOT do your dreams.
8) People WILL TRY TO STOP YOU from doing your dreams, no matter what they are. Find one or two people who don't have this agenda, and if you can't find someone now, keep on your path, you'll find a genuine friend or mentor eventually. Those who try to steal your ideas, or who try to talk you into doing something or giving them something in order to help you achieve your dreams are not to be trusted. (Taking classes and lessons are okay). Find out about how successful people you know or admire walked past those dream-stoppers and kept going.
9) You might not actually know who IS trustworthy and has your back, and who IS NOT, but don't just ditch people who aren't perfect, and don't hang too tightly to people you trust; see number 13. Anything whatsoever that has to do with "business" or any kind of transaction should always be in writing, in writing, in writing, and legally documented, documented, documented.
10) You're right about peace, love, and understanding, they ARE the most important things. Along with dignity, civility, respect, empathy, fairness, integrity, and freedom, for one's self and for others.
11) Even though you're right, hardly anyone is going to agree with you or understand you completely, and you won't understand others completely either, even your closest friends and family. And that's okay.
12) Expect opposition, expect bullying, expect ridiculous prejudice against you, and DO NOT let any of it get inside your heart; if it does, do heal it.
13) "Healthy Boundaries" are among the most important things in your life, now and always; learn what they are and all about them. Along with this: Learn. How. To. Survive. Off. The. Land. You will have much more confidence in caring for yourself and dealing with "life". You're a child of the Earth, you are supposed to learn about the Earth's resources for your own survival, just like every other creature of this world.
14) Racism, sexism, ageism, and other "isms" are actually used as control tactics that manipulate ALL citizens, not just the obvious ones. There's much more to it than what it looks like.
15) If you want to learn about navigating the world you are living in NOW, the people around you, their agendas, issues, and motivations, ASK them about the way they grew up, what they did, and what was going on in the world during their youth and early adulthood. You'll learn way more about history and humans than from a book.
16) ALL THINGS in this world: governments, businesses, gangs, schools, police, musicians, actors, scientists, athletes, religions, any group you can think of, is populated by people, just like you and me. Human beings who decided to go to school in order to get the degree that got them that job. Human beings who worked as hard as they could to get what they have. Human beings who are doing the best they can, and others who are always trying to get away with something; some who are very kind, some who are very mean, some who are all of the above. Human beings who were raised in a very different family, or a very different community, some of them were protected and treated well, some of them were treated poorly, some of them had to grow up around adults who were always doing things to scare them, some of them were raised like princes or princesses, and some of them aren't cared about at all by their families, whether they're poor or very wealthy, or in the middle.
17) You are a bright, burning flame, you have one precious and beautiful life; learn to look and see your Life Light, feel your soul within your body, and know it's real; you fit and belong with all the other beautiful, shining, bright Life Light on this incredible planet. The Life Light in other human beings, and in all the rest of what is Alive, here on this Earth, spinning around our spectacular Sun.
18) Don't assume others are bad, and don't assume others are good; they are all Alive with that bright, burning Life Light, and that's truly precious and beautiful, but it tells you nothing about their behavior, intentions, or motives.
19) You are absolutely being influenced by the media, music, and the people around you, and so are other people, no matter how smart or cool a person is. READ THE LYRICS of the songs you listen to, see if they reflect the kind of life you really, truly want for yourself. Don't blindly follow other people's beliefs, conformity, OR rebellion; don't pollute your body or your mind. Find things out for yourself. Listen to others' points of view, their opinions and beliefs, but don't become indoctrinated by them. DO keep asking questions, all the days of your life.
20) Be yourself, you are who you're supposed to be. Follow your dreams, make yourself a lovely life, make money, follow your values, don't "step on" others, and don't let others step on you. Protect yourself, protect and nurture your genuine friendships, protect your loved ones. Self-discipline and improvement are about learning about ourselves and the world, and improving our behaviors, choice-making, skills, empathy, and interactions with other people, but our Spirits are already beautiful.
"Be what you is, because if you be what you ain't, you ain't what you is!"
Dedicated to the precious young ones in my life
1) Trust yourself more
2) Believe in yourself more
3) Stay true to yourself and what you know is right
4) Find out what that all means
5) Older people are human beings like you, not some other "tribe"
6) Don't trust people just because you like them, because they're funny, attractive,"cool", or seem mature; look out for manipulation and control, listen to the messages from your feelings, watch for clique, faction, and gang behavior; gauge people's intentions and character by their actual behavior, not by their "apparent coolness" or apparent "lack of coolness". People aren't supposed to cater to your moods, or vice versa. (See number 13)
7) DO your dreams, don't NOT do your dreams.
8) People WILL TRY TO STOP YOU from doing your dreams, no matter what they are. Find one or two people who don't have this agenda, and if you can't find someone now, keep on your path, you'll find a genuine friend or mentor eventually. Those who try to steal your ideas, or who try to talk you into doing something or giving them something in order to help you achieve your dreams are not to be trusted. (Taking classes and lessons are okay). Find out about how successful people you know or admire walked past those dream-stoppers and kept going.
9) You might not actually know who IS trustworthy and has your back, and who IS NOT, but don't just ditch people who aren't perfect, and don't hang too tightly to people you trust; see number 13. Anything whatsoever that has to do with "business" or any kind of transaction should always be in writing, in writing, in writing, and legally documented, documented, documented.
10) You're right about peace, love, and understanding, they ARE the most important things. Along with dignity, civility, respect, empathy, fairness, integrity, and freedom, for one's self and for others.
11) Even though you're right, hardly anyone is going to agree with you or understand you completely, and you won't understand others completely either, even your closest friends and family. And that's okay.
12) Expect opposition, expect bullying, expect ridiculous prejudice against you, and DO NOT let any of it get inside your heart; if it does, do heal it.
13) "Healthy Boundaries" are among the most important things in your life, now and always; learn what they are and all about them. Along with this: Learn. How. To. Survive. Off. The. Land. You will have much more confidence in caring for yourself and dealing with "life". You're a child of the Earth, you are supposed to learn about the Earth's resources for your own survival, just like every other creature of this world.
14) Racism, sexism, ageism, and other "isms" are actually used as control tactics that manipulate ALL citizens, not just the obvious ones. There's much more to it than what it looks like.
15) If you want to learn about navigating the world you are living in NOW, the people around you, their agendas, issues, and motivations, ASK them about the way they grew up, what they did, and what was going on in the world during their youth and early adulthood. You'll learn way more about history and humans than from a book.
16) ALL THINGS in this world: governments, businesses, gangs, schools, police, musicians, actors, scientists, athletes, religions, any group you can think of, is populated by people, just like you and me. Human beings who decided to go to school in order to get the degree that got them that job. Human beings who worked as hard as they could to get what they have. Human beings who are doing the best they can, and others who are always trying to get away with something; some who are very kind, some who are very mean, some who are all of the above. Human beings who were raised in a very different family, or a very different community, some of them were protected and treated well, some of them were treated poorly, some of them had to grow up around adults who were always doing things to scare them, some of them were raised like princes or princesses, and some of them aren't cared about at all by their families, whether they're poor or very wealthy, or in the middle.
17) You are a bright, burning flame, you have one precious and beautiful life; learn to look and see your Life Light, feel your soul within your body, and know it's real; you fit and belong with all the other beautiful, shining, bright Life Light on this incredible planet. The Life Light in other human beings, and in all the rest of what is Alive, here on this Earth, spinning around our spectacular Sun.
18) Don't assume others are bad, and don't assume others are good; they are all Alive with that bright, burning Life Light, and that's truly precious and beautiful, but it tells you nothing about their behavior, intentions, or motives.
19) You are absolutely being influenced by the media, music, and the people around you, and so are other people, no matter how smart or cool a person is. READ THE LYRICS of the songs you listen to, see if they reflect the kind of life you really, truly want for yourself. Don't blindly follow other people's beliefs, conformity, OR rebellion; don't pollute your body or your mind. Find things out for yourself. Listen to others' points of view, their opinions and beliefs, but don't become indoctrinated by them. DO keep asking questions, all the days of your life.
20) Be yourself, you are who you're supposed to be. Follow your dreams, make yourself a lovely life, make money, follow your values, don't "step on" others, and don't let others step on you. Protect yourself, protect and nurture your genuine friendships, protect your loved ones. Self-discipline and improvement are about learning about ourselves and the world, and improving our behaviors, choice-making, skills, empathy, and interactions with other people, but our Spirits are already beautiful.
"Be what you is, because if you be what you ain't, you ain't what you is!"
Dedicated to the precious young ones in my life
Topic Dodging; Subject Changing
"Topic dodging is a political control tactic that's used often in regular conversation.
You say "Look at that tree, what kind is it?"
I say "Which tree?"
You say "That tree, right in the middle."
I say "That tree? Oh I thought you meant the one over there with the red pointy leaves, that's a Tupelo tree. See it?"
You say "Oh yeah" and look at the Tupelo tree.
I say "They're really good for carving wooden models like ducks. The wood is easy to work. It's also used for pulp for making paper, and it's used for the inside of plywood, and the inside of furniture."
You say "Oh interesting" or "I have one in my backyard" or "My cousin carves ducks". You might be impressed, or you might be annoyed, but either way I was successful in my intention to divert the topic.
Now you've forgotten about the original tree, pretty much, and your original question, and I don't have to admit that I don't know what kind of tree it was. Also, the impression now (unless you realize what I did) is that I'm more knowledgeable than you are about trees in general; I knew facts about trees and you didn't even know the names of the trees. I "win", I just smoke screened you into allowing me to be "dominant", subconsciously now you might actually see me as the Leader in our relationship. My intent was really just to avoid answering the tree question without getting noticed, but the effects of my dodging went further.
What you don't realize is that it was only one tree that I knew about, and it was limited information. I kept talking, filling the air with "facts" so I could keep control of the topic, and you wouldn't ask anymore direct questions, so I would not have to admit not knowing the answers. And even if you did ask another question, I could have done it again with each new question. As long as you don't realize I'm diverting the subject, you won't catch on.
Insecure people may do this often, trying to avoid embarrassment or ridicule, but Narcissists nearly always do this when they don't know an answer or don't like a topic. They can not just say "I don't know", and they can't have someone who's 'supposed to be' lesser than them know something that they don't.
You say "Look at that tree, what kind is it?"
I say "Which tree?"
You say "That tree, right in the middle."
I say "That tree? Oh I thought you meant the one over there with the red pointy leaves, that's a Tupelo tree. See it?"
You say "Oh yeah" and look at the Tupelo tree.
I say "They're really good for carving wooden models like ducks. The wood is easy to work. It's also used for pulp for making paper, and it's used for the inside of plywood, and the inside of furniture."
You say "Oh interesting" or "I have one in my backyard" or "My cousin carves ducks". You might be impressed, or you might be annoyed, but either way I was successful in my intention to divert the topic.
Now you've forgotten about the original tree, pretty much, and your original question, and I don't have to admit that I don't know what kind of tree it was. Also, the impression now (unless you realize what I did) is that I'm more knowledgeable than you are about trees in general; I knew facts about trees and you didn't even know the names of the trees. I "win", I just smoke screened you into allowing me to be "dominant", subconsciously now you might actually see me as the Leader in our relationship. My intent was really just to avoid answering the tree question without getting noticed, but the effects of my dodging went further.
What you don't realize is that it was only one tree that I knew about, and it was limited information. I kept talking, filling the air with "facts" so I could keep control of the topic, and you wouldn't ask anymore direct questions, so I would not have to admit not knowing the answers. And even if you did ask another question, I could have done it again with each new question. As long as you don't realize I'm diverting the subject, you won't catch on.
Insecure people may do this often, trying to avoid embarrassment or ridicule, but Narcissists nearly always do this when they don't know an answer or don't like a topic. They can not just say "I don't know", and they can't have someone who's 'supposed to be' lesser than them know something that they don't.
How Are You Conditioned To Behave?
In
your community, work, and social circles, do you notice more people
treating you better when you express enthusiasm and speak and behave
with confidence?
Or do they seem to treat you better, more kindly, with less resistance, when you're being passive, acting less confident, self-deprecating, or when you're worried, nervous, or pessimistic?
~
Do more people seem to treat you better when you act like you're GOOD at something, or knowledgeable about something, or do they seem to treat you better when you act like you're NOT GOOD at something, and LESS knowledgeable?
Or do they seem to treat you better, more kindly, with less resistance, when you're being passive, acting less confident, self-deprecating, or when you're worried, nervous, or pessimistic?
~
Do more people seem to treat you better when you act like you're GOOD at something, or knowledgeable about something, or do they seem to treat you better when you act like you're NOT GOOD at something, and LESS knowledgeable?
Obstacle To Change, Fear Of Leaving
Obstacles To Change
One of the biggest obstacles to change can be our fear of humiliation, rejection, and slander. It's not just the "name calling", its what can come with it.
A person who has been rejected by the Personality-disordered for any reason, serious or trivial, real or completely false, is usually ALSO smeared to whomever possible, directly attacked either verbally, physically, financially, or emotionally, and often "kicked out" of home, family or social circles, community circles, work, and cut off from normal resources.
Without access to normal supports and resources that others take for granted (don't even realize they have), the person is not able to live their life "normally" in the same way as others, and can then be conveniently labeled as a "loser".
When someone labels a person as "loser", "unstable", or "bad news", few are aware or mature enough to investigate past the label, and simply avoid being associated with the person, or give them any resources or help, and often won't even treat them with normal or minimal courtesy and manners.
So while they're trying to recover from rejection and attack, they are also struggling for regular survival, which means they have LESS resources for recovery than others (money, human connection, access to travel, access to healthcare for themselves or their children), never mind daily life. They are actually MORE LIKELY than before to be targeted by those with ill intent.
Human beings like to go by what they've heard about others; almost everyone denies that they do it, but almost everyone does it. So if the odds of a person getting hired, getting a loan, getting anything whatsoever, even fair customer service or plain social courtesy from others are very low if someone has even IMPLIED that they are "less than". Only if a person had a positive impression of the person FIRST, or if they personally are attracted to them in some way, will they "give the person a chance". Most humans LIKE an excuse to think of a person as "less worthy" than themselves.
It's no wonder that the fear of other people's reactions often deters a person from changing their lives, leaving negative situations or stressful relationships, doing things to improve their situations or taking positive risks (like returning to college, getting a new job, quitting substance abuse, writing a book, going to church, singing on stage, volunteering, taking certain classes, or learning a trade. Or changing careers, running for office, or doing something outside of their stereotype.) If the change is likely to poke someone's brittle or inflated ego, then the odds of them doling out negative consequences against the person are high. The more people there are in a group who have brittle or inflated egos, the higher the odds are of dramatic negative reactions to any changes, especially if a person has already been targeted.
One of the biggest obstacles to change can be our fear of humiliation, rejection, and slander. It's not just the "name calling", its what can come with it.
A person who has been rejected by the Personality-disordered for any reason, serious or trivial, real or completely false, is usually ALSO smeared to whomever possible, directly attacked either verbally, physically, financially, or emotionally, and often "kicked out" of home, family or social circles, community circles, work, and cut off from normal resources.
Without access to normal supports and resources that others take for granted (don't even realize they have), the person is not able to live their life "normally" in the same way as others, and can then be conveniently labeled as a "loser".
When someone labels a person as "loser", "unstable", or "bad news", few are aware or mature enough to investigate past the label, and simply avoid being associated with the person, or give them any resources or help, and often won't even treat them with normal or minimal courtesy and manners.
So while they're trying to recover from rejection and attack, they are also struggling for regular survival, which means they have LESS resources for recovery than others (money, human connection, access to travel, access to healthcare for themselves or their children), never mind daily life. They are actually MORE LIKELY than before to be targeted by those with ill intent.
Human beings like to go by what they've heard about others; almost everyone denies that they do it, but almost everyone does it. So if the odds of a person getting hired, getting a loan, getting anything whatsoever, even fair customer service or plain social courtesy from others are very low if someone has even IMPLIED that they are "less than". Only if a person had a positive impression of the person FIRST, or if they personally are attracted to them in some way, will they "give the person a chance". Most humans LIKE an excuse to think of a person as "less worthy" than themselves.
It's no wonder that the fear of other people's reactions often deters a person from changing their lives, leaving negative situations or stressful relationships, doing things to improve their situations or taking positive risks (like returning to college, getting a new job, quitting substance abuse, writing a book, going to church, singing on stage, volunteering, taking certain classes, or learning a trade. Or changing careers, running for office, or doing something outside of their stereotype.) If the change is likely to poke someone's brittle or inflated ego, then the odds of them doling out negative consequences against the person are high. The more people there are in a group who have brittle or inflated egos, the higher the odds are of dramatic negative reactions to any changes, especially if a person has already been targeted.
Superior To You
It can be difficult to keep in mind that many children are literally taught that they are superior to others by the adults around them, and that this supposed superiority is what makes them valuable. In other words, they're taught that humans are either Superior and therefore valuable, or Inferior, and therefore not valuable.
They are taught to believe that any person can ONLY BE one or the other.
So they live life trying to make sure they are accepted in the "Superior" group. They judge all others to be either in the "Superior" group OR the "Inferior" group.
To them, if they are not seen as a member of the "Superior" group, then they will be considered "Inferior", and therefore tossed aside, left out of important groups, and treated terribly.
(How accurate is this belief in our culture?)
They believe that if they are a member of the "Superior" group, then THEY are entitled to disrespect, rule over, and/or use those who they think are in the "Inferior" group.
They DO NOT KNOW that this concept is not "the way things are", because they were taught so early that it IS "the way things are". In their minds, the sun comes up in the morning, the sky is blue, water is wet, coffee is a drink, grass is green, and people are either Superior, or Inferior.
In the person's mind, every human goes into a category. Every person is classified with a "value", in basically the same way objects are classified. You (and they) are placed either in the "valued" group, or in the "non-valued" group.
Only those whom the person has placed in the "valued" group will be treated with normal, equal, or above average respect, courtesy, attention and integrity; listened to, or believed. In fact, those who have been placed in the "valued" group will often be given much, much more credence, recognition, credit and respect than they have actually earned. Their obvious mistakes or even blatant violations of laws, rules, and respect toward others are likely to be excused, covered up, or rationalized. (The reason any of this exists in the culture at large is because of the very large number of people who were raised to think this way, usually by those who were also raised to think this way, and so on. It doesn't require an entire family to raise a child this way, only a few poignant adults at a few poignant periods in the child's development).
Those who the person has categorized in the "non-valued" or "inferior" group will be treated as a lesser and lower-status being at all times, in all things. They will be interrupted when they speak, even "shushed", they will be "disciplined" like a child, they will be ASSUMED to have less knowledge, experience, or understanding, they will be assumed to be less capable and less able to learn. It does not matter what the person does, anything and everything that they do or say will be doubted, ignored, argued with, or deemed "unnecessary" and "unimportant".
It can be hard to imagine it from a different point of view, but it's important to understand since it's really the way so many people are raised.
We will and do come across "Superior/Inferior" minded people all the time. We will have to go to school with them and work with them. They're at the grocery store, the electronics store, and the hardware store, both as customers and as employees. They're probably at the doctor's office, the hospital, government offices, recreational facilities, and in your child's elementary school. They play and coach sports, they are dance class and yoga students and teachers, they're at the gym, they might be in the Police Department, they may be running local businesses and politics.
To put it into perspective:
The Superiority/Inferiority-minded person will categorize every person he or she comes across, based on certain superficial key traits that they learned during childhood. So a person applying for the Front Desk position at a Doctor's office who is Superiority/Inferiority minded is already categorizing the rest of the staff as "above" or "below", before they even get the job, and that includes the ENTIRE staff. The person may place the Doctors themselves in the "Superior" category at first based on their titles, but then again they may not. If the person uses "Race" as an assessment tool, then that will supersede the Doctor's degree. So if the person sees dark-skinned people as Superior, then he or she will place the dark-skinned Doctor in the Superior category. If he or she sees light-skinned people as Inferior, then he or she will place the light-skinned Doctor in the Inferior category.
Whatever the person uses as "assessment tools" supersede everything else. A person they've categorized as "Inferior" could save their life, their children's lives, and find a cure for world hunger, and they would STILL classify them as "Innately Inferior", perhaps with an 'asterisk' (*Inferior but above other Inferiors).
If they use gender as an assessment tool, then ALL PEOPLE of one sex will be placed in the Superior category, and ALL PEOPLE of the other sex will be placed in the Inferior category. After the initial categorizing, they may "reassess" an individual, but it's usually a change from "Superior" to "Inferior", not the other way.
Other common keys for assessment can be age, height, appearance of physical strength, vocal tone, accent, mannerisms, hair, clothing, or subjective physical attraction. Anything may be used, however, keys are limited only to the person's imagination.
~Those who are in "Superiority/Inferiority" mindset usually don't know the difference between objective fact and subjective opinion, because they were not taught the difference, so when they find a person to be attractive, they believe that EVERYONE has the same opinion of the person's appearance, including the person themselves. They believe most or all of their subjective opinions to represent objective reality. "Vanilla is better than chocolate" or vice versa. This cognitive gap plays a rather large role in their thinking process. Whether it's nature or nurture remains unsolved, but it appears that it's directly encouraged at a young age instead of guided away from, regardless of its origin.
Watch the way people interact with others to see if, and how, they classify people. Sometimes we might do it ourselves and not realize it, since we were most likely raised alongside those who were being taught this way. It can even occur within the same family, under the same roof.
They are taught to believe that any person can ONLY BE one or the other.
So they live life trying to make sure they are accepted in the "Superior" group. They judge all others to be either in the "Superior" group OR the "Inferior" group.
To them, if they are not seen as a member of the "Superior" group, then they will be considered "Inferior", and therefore tossed aside, left out of important groups, and treated terribly.
(How accurate is this belief in our culture?)
They believe that if they are a member of the "Superior" group, then THEY are entitled to disrespect, rule over, and/or use those who they think are in the "Inferior" group.
They DO NOT KNOW that this concept is not "the way things are", because they were taught so early that it IS "the way things are". In their minds, the sun comes up in the morning, the sky is blue, water is wet, coffee is a drink, grass is green, and people are either Superior, or Inferior.
In the person's mind, every human goes into a category. Every person is classified with a "value", in basically the same way objects are classified. You (and they) are placed either in the "valued" group, or in the "non-valued" group.
Only those whom the person has placed in the "valued" group will be treated with normal, equal, or above average respect, courtesy, attention and integrity; listened to, or believed. In fact, those who have been placed in the "valued" group will often be given much, much more credence, recognition, credit and respect than they have actually earned. Their obvious mistakes or even blatant violations of laws, rules, and respect toward others are likely to be excused, covered up, or rationalized. (The reason any of this exists in the culture at large is because of the very large number of people who were raised to think this way, usually by those who were also raised to think this way, and so on. It doesn't require an entire family to raise a child this way, only a few poignant adults at a few poignant periods in the child's development).
Those who the person has categorized in the "non-valued" or "inferior" group will be treated as a lesser and lower-status being at all times, in all things. They will be interrupted when they speak, even "shushed", they will be "disciplined" like a child, they will be ASSUMED to have less knowledge, experience, or understanding, they will be assumed to be less capable and less able to learn. It does not matter what the person does, anything and everything that they do or say will be doubted, ignored, argued with, or deemed "unnecessary" and "unimportant".
It can be hard to imagine it from a different point of view, but it's important to understand since it's really the way so many people are raised.
We will and do come across "Superior/Inferior" minded people all the time. We will have to go to school with them and work with them. They're at the grocery store, the electronics store, and the hardware store, both as customers and as employees. They're probably at the doctor's office, the hospital, government offices, recreational facilities, and in your child's elementary school. They play and coach sports, they are dance class and yoga students and teachers, they're at the gym, they might be in the Police Department, they may be running local businesses and politics.
To put it into perspective:
The Superiority/Inferiority-minded person will categorize every person he or she comes across, based on certain superficial key traits that they learned during childhood. So a person applying for the Front Desk position at a Doctor's office who is Superiority/Inferiority minded is already categorizing the rest of the staff as "above" or "below", before they even get the job, and that includes the ENTIRE staff. The person may place the Doctors themselves in the "Superior" category at first based on their titles, but then again they may not. If the person uses "Race" as an assessment tool, then that will supersede the Doctor's degree. So if the person sees dark-skinned people as Superior, then he or she will place the dark-skinned Doctor in the Superior category. If he or she sees light-skinned people as Inferior, then he or she will place the light-skinned Doctor in the Inferior category.
Whatever the person uses as "assessment tools" supersede everything else. A person they've categorized as "Inferior" could save their life, their children's lives, and find a cure for world hunger, and they would STILL classify them as "Innately Inferior", perhaps with an 'asterisk' (*Inferior but above other Inferiors).
If they use gender as an assessment tool, then ALL PEOPLE of one sex will be placed in the Superior category, and ALL PEOPLE of the other sex will be placed in the Inferior category. After the initial categorizing, they may "reassess" an individual, but it's usually a change from "Superior" to "Inferior", not the other way.
Other common keys for assessment can be age, height, appearance of physical strength, vocal tone, accent, mannerisms, hair, clothing, or subjective physical attraction. Anything may be used, however, keys are limited only to the person's imagination.
~Those who are in "Superiority/Inferiority" mindset usually don't know the difference between objective fact and subjective opinion, because they were not taught the difference, so when they find a person to be attractive, they believe that EVERYONE has the same opinion of the person's appearance, including the person themselves. They believe most or all of their subjective opinions to represent objective reality. "Vanilla is better than chocolate" or vice versa. This cognitive gap plays a rather large role in their thinking process. Whether it's nature or nurture remains unsolved, but it appears that it's directly encouraged at a young age instead of guided away from, regardless of its origin.
Watch the way people interact with others to see if, and how, they classify people. Sometimes we might do it ourselves and not realize it, since we were most likely raised alongside those who were being taught this way. It can even occur within the same family, under the same roof.
Reacting To Others: Narcissists Don't Like It When
Narcissists in particular do not like it, and will feel entitled to "intervene/retaliate" if a target:
~is doing something that might be construed as "important" by someone
~receives sympathy, empathy, or understanding from others
~does not agree 100% with what they say
~is not doing a task exactly the way they want them to do it (even if it's done correctly and well)
~does do a task correctly and well
~appears to feel confident, in control, relaxed, or deeply happy
~receives recognition or praise from others
~receives, earns, inherits, or wins material possessions (assets, money, or any other object)
~is apparently liked or favored by a child or an animal
~is liked, loved, cared for or praised by a family member
~is liked, loved, cared for or praised by friends or a romantic partner
~is treated fairly and courteously
~is treated with respect
~appears to be very capable, talented, skilled, intelligent, or strong
~appears to be seen as having attractive "looks" to others
~appears to have fair or high potential for worldly success
~speaks their own mind; does not make sure to line up their thoughts, feelings, and opinions with them or the rest of the group
~shows independence, initiative, and autonomy
~stands up for themselves OR others (even strangers who are not within the personal group) against unfair treatment, disrespect, injustice, or abuse.
~expresses any needs for any reason, or has any expectations of the Narcissist regarding their needs
~does not put all of the Narcissists' needs, wants, or ego before all of their own needs and goals.
~has friends and connections outside of the circle of influence and control
Accountability, being wrong, and blame to someone who suffers from Narcissism is akin to holding their hand to a hot stove, or telling them to pick up a poisonous snake. No matter what is actually happening, they CAN NOT be the one who's wrong. Sharing accountability is the closest they might come to it, like "I'm sorry if you're sorry", or "we're both to blame", or "everyone is to to blame". Their inner world needs to stay as a perfect sanctuary for their very fragile self, in constant protection mode as one would do for their body if they had serious burns; no one may come near unless they are going to CARE FOR them, and only if they're going to do it very carefully, and they MUST do it THEIR WAY because the fear of pain, damage, being dominated, being disrespected, or being taken advantage of is all-consuming.
The focus of Narcissists is on themselves being right, being innocent, being in control, being superior, and therefore "entitled" to be above reproach, judgment, disagreement or shame all of the time.
If they disagree with a target, they're right; if a target disagrees with them, they're still right, because they see every thought, feeling, and action as either "right" or "wrong"; there are no discussions where one learns new things or other points of view from the other (unless the other person has been designated as a "Leader" or "Guru" person). (Targets are NEVER learned from because they are seen as categorically inferior, they are always seen as "wrong", or "trying to get attention", or "rebelling").
It's really all about self-protection, self-preservation, and feeling like they belong and are important and in control. They achieve the feeling of belonging and superiority by pointing to someone else and saying "look everyone, HE or SHE doesn't belong with US, he or she isn't as good as WE are!" This creates a feeling of "us" vs. "them", which makes the pointer an automatic member of the "US" group.
To a Narcissist, anyone who is not playing and living exactly to their own personal parameters that make them comfortable, and let them feel like they're in CONTROL and ABOVE, is being hostile, crazy, out-of-line, demanding, and self-centered.
They may have developed it during childhood, protecting themselves from the people around them, because they were not receiving adequate protection and guidance from mature adults (whatever the individual circumstance).
Basic Narcissism behavior is not from a person being innately superior and therefore deserving control and power, even if the Narcissist believes this to be so.
It's developed from fear of being inferior, dominated, rejected, unrecognized, unloved, unwanted, disrespected, and out of control. It's ALL ABOUT dynamics with other humans.
~is doing something that might be construed as "important" by someone
~receives sympathy, empathy, or understanding from others
~does not agree 100% with what they say
~is not doing a task exactly the way they want them to do it (even if it's done correctly and well)
~does do a task correctly and well
~appears to feel confident, in control, relaxed, or deeply happy
~receives recognition or praise from others
~receives, earns, inherits, or wins material possessions (assets, money, or any other object)
~is apparently liked or favored by a child or an animal
~is liked, loved, cared for or praised by a family member
~is liked, loved, cared for or praised by friends or a romantic partner
~is treated fairly and courteously
~is treated with respect
~appears to be very capable, talented, skilled, intelligent, or strong
~appears to be seen as having attractive "looks" to others
~appears to have fair or high potential for worldly success
~speaks their own mind; does not make sure to line up their thoughts, feelings, and opinions with them or the rest of the group
~shows independence, initiative, and autonomy
~stands up for themselves OR others (even strangers who are not within the personal group) against unfair treatment, disrespect, injustice, or abuse.
~expresses any needs for any reason, or has any expectations of the Narcissist regarding their needs
~does not put all of the Narcissists' needs, wants, or ego before all of their own needs and goals.
~has friends and connections outside of the circle of influence and control
Accountability, being wrong, and blame to someone who suffers from Narcissism is akin to holding their hand to a hot stove, or telling them to pick up a poisonous snake. No matter what is actually happening, they CAN NOT be the one who's wrong. Sharing accountability is the closest they might come to it, like "I'm sorry if you're sorry", or "we're both to blame", or "everyone is to to blame". Their inner world needs to stay as a perfect sanctuary for their very fragile self, in constant protection mode as one would do for their body if they had serious burns; no one may come near unless they are going to CARE FOR them, and only if they're going to do it very carefully, and they MUST do it THEIR WAY because the fear of pain, damage, being dominated, being disrespected, or being taken advantage of is all-consuming.
The focus of Narcissists is on themselves being right, being innocent, being in control, being superior, and therefore "entitled" to be above reproach, judgment, disagreement or shame all of the time.
If they disagree with a target, they're right; if a target disagrees with them, they're still right, because they see every thought, feeling, and action as either "right" or "wrong"; there are no discussions where one learns new things or other points of view from the other (unless the other person has been designated as a "Leader" or "Guru" person). (Targets are NEVER learned from because they are seen as categorically inferior, they are always seen as "wrong", or "trying to get attention", or "rebelling").
It's really all about self-protection, self-preservation, and feeling like they belong and are important and in control. They achieve the feeling of belonging and superiority by pointing to someone else and saying "look everyone, HE or SHE doesn't belong with US, he or she isn't as good as WE are!" This creates a feeling of "us" vs. "them", which makes the pointer an automatic member of the "US" group.
To a Narcissist, anyone who is not playing and living exactly to their own personal parameters that make them comfortable, and let them feel like they're in CONTROL and ABOVE, is being hostile, crazy, out-of-line, demanding, and self-centered.
They may have developed it during childhood, protecting themselves from the people around them, because they were not receiving adequate protection and guidance from mature adults (whatever the individual circumstance).
Basic Narcissism behavior is not from a person being innately superior and therefore deserving control and power, even if the Narcissist believes this to be so.
It's developed from fear of being inferior, dominated, rejected, unrecognized, unloved, unwanted, disrespected, and out of control. It's ALL ABOUT dynamics with other humans.
One Sided Friendship, Relationship
When
another person is upset about something, and the person they're upset
with refuses to listen to or acknowledge the reason, and then turns it
around on them and accuses them of causing THEM to be upset, that's a
Narcissistic behavior.
Why? Because the person who is originally upset is being treated as if their feelings, concerns, and point of view is NOT VALID. They are being treated as if they are a less important being, and therefore their point of view is silly, unimportant, trivial, or wrong.
~
So,
John tells Mark that he's really dedicated to making their band work. John says whatever it takes, this time he's really going to give 100% because it's just as important to him as it is to Mark. For three weekends in a row, Mark and John practice in a practice spot between their houses, and everything is great. The fourth week, John says he can't practice unless Mark comes to his house, so Mark does. The same thing the following week, Mark drives to John's house again. Next week the same thing. The week after that, Mark has something he needs to do, so he asks John to come to his house instead to practice. John says "sure", but when the weekend comes he says he's too busy. The following week, Mark goes back to John's house. The week after that, Mark says again "I have something I need to do, can you come to my house instead". John says "I don't know", and then doesn't show up.
The following weekend Mark starts to really feel taken advantage of and fooled; John obviously is NOT "into" making the band work, or giving even 50%, never mind 100%.
Mark calls John and expresses his concern and his disappointment.
John's reaction is to accuse MARK of not caring enough about HIS needs and life, and that Mark is being "unreasonable" and "out of line". John absolutely not only refuses to acknowledge what's really going on or take any responsibility, but he also refuses to listen respectfully to Mark's concerns or feelings, and has zero care about how Mark feels. (which is not "normal" friendship or coworker-relationship.)
As far as John's concerned, he is doing NOTHING AT ALL that could be considered wrong, or even a LITTLE BIT unfair, or even slightly disconcerting.
~
As far as John's concerned, ALL of the problems are because MARK ISN'T COOPERATING WITH HIM, and accommodating HIS schedule, HIS wants, HIS comfort, HIS desires, HIS moods, and HIS feelings. He honestly does not see Mark as an equal person to himself with equally important and valid ANYTHING. If Mark wants to do this band, he should come to HIM, and if he doesn't, then Mark is the one who's making everything "difficult" and being "emotional".
John literally does not have the ability to be half of a cooperative, fair, or equal partnership. Any human who he partners up with, who gets close enough to be a part of his "inner circle", is taken off off of his "High Shelf" of important people and things, and put into his "used and old stuff" box that no longer seems worth making an effort for. When he wants to use them for something, he wants them available and ready, but when he's not interested in using them, he expects them to just sit in the box, and not go and do anything else on their own, without him, while he's off doing HIS own thing.
If anyone in that "used/old stuff" box complains, however, John will threaten them, or throw them into the trash heap.
(Possessions don't have the right to complain to their owner, they're just possessions, it's annoying and stressful).
~
Why? Because the person who is originally upset is being treated as if their feelings, concerns, and point of view is NOT VALID. They are being treated as if they are a less important being, and therefore their point of view is silly, unimportant, trivial, or wrong.
~
So,
John tells Mark that he's really dedicated to making their band work. John says whatever it takes, this time he's really going to give 100% because it's just as important to him as it is to Mark. For three weekends in a row, Mark and John practice in a practice spot between their houses, and everything is great. The fourth week, John says he can't practice unless Mark comes to his house, so Mark does. The same thing the following week, Mark drives to John's house again. Next week the same thing. The week after that, Mark has something he needs to do, so he asks John to come to his house instead to practice. John says "sure", but when the weekend comes he says he's too busy. The following week, Mark goes back to John's house. The week after that, Mark says again "I have something I need to do, can you come to my house instead". John says "I don't know", and then doesn't show up.
The following weekend Mark starts to really feel taken advantage of and fooled; John obviously is NOT "into" making the band work, or giving even 50%, never mind 100%.
Mark calls John and expresses his concern and his disappointment.
John's reaction is to accuse MARK of not caring enough about HIS needs and life, and that Mark is being "unreasonable" and "out of line". John absolutely not only refuses to acknowledge what's really going on or take any responsibility, but he also refuses to listen respectfully to Mark's concerns or feelings, and has zero care about how Mark feels. (which is not "normal" friendship or coworker-relationship.)
As far as John's concerned, he is doing NOTHING AT ALL that could be considered wrong, or even a LITTLE BIT unfair, or even slightly disconcerting.
~
As far as John's concerned, ALL of the problems are because MARK ISN'T COOPERATING WITH HIM, and accommodating HIS schedule, HIS wants, HIS comfort, HIS desires, HIS moods, and HIS feelings. He honestly does not see Mark as an equal person to himself with equally important and valid ANYTHING. If Mark wants to do this band, he should come to HIM, and if he doesn't, then Mark is the one who's making everything "difficult" and being "emotional".
John literally does not have the ability to be half of a cooperative, fair, or equal partnership. Any human who he partners up with, who gets close enough to be a part of his "inner circle", is taken off off of his "High Shelf" of important people and things, and put into his "used and old stuff" box that no longer seems worth making an effort for. When he wants to use them for something, he wants them available and ready, but when he's not interested in using them, he expects them to just sit in the box, and not go and do anything else on their own, without him, while he's off doing HIS own thing.
If anyone in that "used/old stuff" box complains, however, John will threaten them, or throw them into the trash heap.
(Possessions don't have the right to complain to their owner, they're just possessions, it's annoying and stressful).
~
Are You More Important Than Your Partner?
If
you adamantly don't want your lover to leave you, but don't actually
take them as seriously as you take yourself, or care THAT much about
their feelings, needs, life, children, or the future of the relationship
(you just want it to stay the way you want it, you don't want to make
any more effort, and only make changes if they're beneficial for you)
then you make be caught in a pattern of survival.
This pattern could be construed as Narcissistic behavior because it's
centered around yourself as the "important" person in the relationship,
and makes your partner an "unimportant" person. If your desire for a
relationship is with a loving, caring individual, then your equal effort
is actually required. A loving, caring person will not stay in a
relationship with a person who does not respect, care for, and love them
in return. The only kind of person who would stay in such a
relationship where the OTHER person (you) is "More Important", is
someone who is not in recovery from a dysfunctional childhood, and
therefore may not have healthy enough boundaries or behavior habits to
co-create a solid, loving, caring relationship. If we want a healthy
partner for love, care, support and friendship, then we need to find a
partner who is aware and willing to make the effort, and WE have to BE a
partner who is aware and willing to make the effort.
A Partnership is like a pair of support beams; if they're not both actively supporting equally and willingly, then the structure will collapse. If one of them has little or no interest in being an equal support, then the other one has to support both the structure AND the other beam all by itself; it will not be able to keep it up for very long at all, and if it doesn't get out from under, it may get crushed under the weight.
A Partnership is like a pair of support beams; if they're not both actively supporting equally and willingly, then the structure will collapse. If one of them has little or no interest in being an equal support, then the other one has to support both the structure AND the other beam all by itself; it will not be able to keep it up for very long at all, and if it doesn't get out from under, it may get crushed under the weight.
Grooming Others To Be Supportive
The
smaller details in the patterns reveal the bigger picture: Wondering why
people seem so supportive of some people, no matter how trivial their
complaint or accomplishment? And others get so little support it's
ridiculous, no matter how severe the problem?
~
The individuals in a group actually get "groomed" to be supportive of the person who complains the MOST, and who is constantly making announcements about themselves. They are being conditioned with little social signal rewards, over and over.
At the same time, the same people are getting "groomed" to be UNsupportive toward people who DON'T complain, who don't boast, and who don't make continuous announcements.
~
They don't realize it, it's not on purpose, they're just being subconsciously trained that when they are supportive toward one person, they will receive a small reward. When they are unsupportive of that person, they will receive a small "punishment" (like those psych. experiments with the small electric shock). When they show support or respect toward a person who they are "supposed to ignore", who's been designated as a scapegoat or target, low person on the totem pole, they ALSO receive a small "punishment".
If they diverge from the expected behavior, they receive an ABSENCE of reward, and an increase in "punishment".
~
Let's say there's a pair of office "buddies" who pal around together, but one of them (Jules) is decidedly the dominant one, the "star" of the pair, and the other (Sal) is the "sidekick" (in the dominant one's mind.) When Jules talks, it's usually either about hs ailments, his boat, his kids' sports teams, or his adamant, absolute views. This doesn't really "make him a bad guy"~ but notice when SAL starts to speak, JULES talks over him. Whatever Sal is talking about, Jules pipes in and over. Jules wants ALL EYES ON HIM, all the time. If Sal is limping because of the bike accident he got in this morning, and you ask him if he's alright, when he starts to tell you the story Jules will be standing there filling in the details. If you stand there any longer, Jules will be telling you about the bike accident he was in last summer.
If Jules is talking about something and Sal pipes in, and you say "What did you say, Sal?" Jules might wait for him to say a couple of words, but soon enough he'll be interrupting and diverting your attention back on himself.
~
You get USED to this, it becomes "normal". The built-in adaptation to the environment we have in our human brains takes over and tells us "this is the way it is; Jules is the one to pay attention to, Sal is the one to ignore, and it's okay, everyone does it." If Jules is speaking and Sal starts to talk, everyone ignores Sal and keeps listening to Jules. If Sal is talking and Jules starts to talk, everyone AGAIN ignores Sal, and turns their attention to Jules.
~
Jules has groomed the group to be USED TO supporting and listening to him. Jules has also groomed the group to be USED TO dismissing, ignoring, and disrespecting Sal.
~
This is how it's done.
LITTLE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. STREAMS OF THEM.
Jules cuts his finger on a piece of paper and the world stops; Sal gets hit by a car and everyone says "poor Sal" but goes back to what they were doing.
Jules doesn't go to the hospital to visit Sal more than once, but when Sal gets out, he drives Jules around for a week because he can't drive his stick shift with the paper cut. No one notices the disparity.
Jules is upset because the electric company messed up and now he has a late payment on his bill, everyone is sympathetic and up in arms!
Sal is upset because he was mugged on his way to work, they punched him and took his whole wallet; everyone says "oh that's too bad" and then "But you need to look on the bright side and quit complaining, at least you're alive!" and go back to what they were doing.
~
The entertainment, advertisement, and political science fields know all about it, and do it on purpose, every day.
~
The individuals in a group actually get "groomed" to be supportive of the person who complains the MOST, and who is constantly making announcements about themselves. They are being conditioned with little social signal rewards, over and over.
At the same time, the same people are getting "groomed" to be UNsupportive toward people who DON'T complain, who don't boast, and who don't make continuous announcements.
~
They don't realize it, it's not on purpose, they're just being subconsciously trained that when they are supportive toward one person, they will receive a small reward. When they are unsupportive of that person, they will receive a small "punishment" (like those psych. experiments with the small electric shock). When they show support or respect toward a person who they are "supposed to ignore", who's been designated as a scapegoat or target, low person on the totem pole, they ALSO receive a small "punishment".
If they diverge from the expected behavior, they receive an ABSENCE of reward, and an increase in "punishment".
~
Let's say there's a pair of office "buddies" who pal around together, but one of them (Jules) is decidedly the dominant one, the "star" of the pair, and the other (Sal) is the "sidekick" (in the dominant one's mind.) When Jules talks, it's usually either about hs ailments, his boat, his kids' sports teams, or his adamant, absolute views. This doesn't really "make him a bad guy"~ but notice when SAL starts to speak, JULES talks over him. Whatever Sal is talking about, Jules pipes in and over. Jules wants ALL EYES ON HIM, all the time. If Sal is limping because of the bike accident he got in this morning, and you ask him if he's alright, when he starts to tell you the story Jules will be standing there filling in the details. If you stand there any longer, Jules will be telling you about the bike accident he was in last summer.
If Jules is talking about something and Sal pipes in, and you say "What did you say, Sal?" Jules might wait for him to say a couple of words, but soon enough he'll be interrupting and diverting your attention back on himself.
~
You get USED to this, it becomes "normal". The built-in adaptation to the environment we have in our human brains takes over and tells us "this is the way it is; Jules is the one to pay attention to, Sal is the one to ignore, and it's okay, everyone does it." If Jules is speaking and Sal starts to talk, everyone ignores Sal and keeps listening to Jules. If Sal is talking and Jules starts to talk, everyone AGAIN ignores Sal, and turns their attention to Jules.
~
Jules has groomed the group to be USED TO supporting and listening to him. Jules has also groomed the group to be USED TO dismissing, ignoring, and disrespecting Sal.
~
This is how it's done.
LITTLE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. STREAMS OF THEM.
Jules cuts his finger on a piece of paper and the world stops; Sal gets hit by a car and everyone says "poor Sal" but goes back to what they were doing.
Jules doesn't go to the hospital to visit Sal more than once, but when Sal gets out, he drives Jules around for a week because he can't drive his stick shift with the paper cut. No one notices the disparity.
Jules is upset because the electric company messed up and now he has a late payment on his bill, everyone is sympathetic and up in arms!
Sal is upset because he was mugged on his way to work, they punched him and took his whole wallet; everyone says "oh that's too bad" and then "But you need to look on the bright side and quit complaining, at least you're alive!" and go back to what they were doing.
~
The entertainment, advertisement, and political science fields know all about it, and do it on purpose, every day.
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