Control Behaviors

Controllers will do whatever it takes to stay in control. Their goal is control, not whatever the goal, activity, or situation is; the project or activity, or relationship is secondary, or may not even be a real goal.
That's why none of your requests or suggestions, opinions, or needs are taken as valid. If they went along with something you requested, suggested, or initiated, that would mean (to them) that you are in control, and they're not. It's also why they try to "take over" whatever you're doing when you ask for their assistance instead of ASSISTING you. It's also why they always have to be "right", and you always have to be "wrong", and it's also why they always want to be the one who "knows more" or has "more experience", regardless of reality.
(They can become very taxing with constant announcements about "things they know" during social conversations, or during any kind of discussion; they seem to see conversation as a competition or an opportunity for displaying one's knowledge, instead of a respectful exchange of information, thought, or feeling and humor. So they may always be trying to "top" you or counter whatever you're saying; they may assume that you're trying to display your knowledge also to compete with them or "top" them.).

They will do things purposely in order to stay in control, such as

~withhold information
~change things around
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's work or project
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's character
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's judgment
~discard, destroy, or give away one's possessions or work
~change times and schedules so they're the one who's "in charge",
~counter anything one says,
~deny one's suggestions and requests,
~claim credit for another's work or idea
~invalidate things one says and expresses,
~ignore,
~not respond,
~stand a person up,
~leave a person out,
~deny one's basic physical needs; make it difficult to obtain them
~refuse to share resources or be unavailable after implying they wanted to "help" (even if helping is their job),
~turn activities into exclusive clubs for only certain types of people
~give "misinformation"
~sneak
~lie
~gossip, triangulate, slander
~threaten
~act tough
~speak abusively
~talk loudly on purpose
~interrupt, talk over others
~criticize
~put others down
~cast "blame" for anything and everything
~cast shame for anything and everything
~micro-manage
~micro-judge
~exaggerate physical problems to get sympathy, leniency, or resources
~make up physical problems to get the above
~sabotage
~deny training, mentoring, instruction
~demean a student while instructing them
~deny proper tools and materials
~deny space or time to work
~deny peace to concentrate
~deny peace, time, space, or care to recover from injury, whether physical or emotional

These are all Control behaviors, either for trying to gain control, or trying to maintain it. There are many more of course, with varying behaviors and degrees of severity; this is a basic list.

Controllers learn to do these things and how to do them because their main goal is gaining or keeping control. So they learn by trial and error, and by watching others, just like one would learn how to do anything else. They can and do learn other things as well, skills, knowledge, etc., but everything they do is always subject to and within the parameters of the motive of control.

Control Habit: Mismatching

"Mismatching" is the practice of finding things that don't match, obviously, and finding things that are incorrect, flawed, wrong, or that are are incongruous or unsymmetrical.

Using it for the purpose of putting someone down, judging them, shaming them, and humiliating them is a common practice for those who seek control or superiority over others.

Mismatching in and of itself is not negative at all, we need it as much as we need "Matching" to keep things running smoothly, figure out solutions, make progress and make repairs to pretty much anything, from planes trains and automobiles to how we relate with the natural world around us, to healthcare, government, science, religion, to personal human relationships. We need both to play games and to make music, to cook, to do accounting, to keep a job, and to raise a family, and to build and maintain friendships. We need both to write and do artwork, and we need them both to run a government smoothly.

When there is healthy planning and building going on, both Mismatching and Matching are happening at the same time in a balanced way, WITHOUT inserting personal preferences, personal favorites, personal resentments, personal dislikes, or personal ego.

People can do "Matching" and "Mismatching" without making it personal, either about themselves or about others, if they maintain objectivity or are genuinely interested in a project, a plan, a solution, or peace and happiness.

(Imagine if most government officials did this instead of what they usually do.) 

Humans tend to have a hard time keeping their personal issues to themselves and staying objective, so they tend to do "Matching" when they LIKE something or someone, and do "Mismatching" when they resent, dislike or envy something or someone.

In other words, they point out things that are "good" or "right" about who and what they like and favor, and point out things that are "wrong" or "incorrect" about who and what they dislike or resent.

Habitual "Mismatchers" do this on a regular basis, more than others, and use it to single people out, bully them, put them down, and humiliate them in front of others. They also tend to use it to get what they want as opposed to doing the right thing.

For example, on Facebook, when a "Mismatcher" agrees with a post, likes it, or it doesn't strike a nerve in their ego, or when they're a "fan" of the poster, they tend to ignore any flaws or typos, and tend to give their stamp of approval for the content of the post. They're displaying good manners because they LIKE it, or like the person~ BUT when someone they resent posts something, they'll look for an excuse to criticize something about the post, or look for an opportunity to argue with or insult the poster. They'll often do it right on the post, or they'll do it offline, talking about it with other people.

It's not because they felt like they needed to say something because the post was so "off" or "wrong" in some way, or because they wanted to share their own point of view (not the same as mismatching). It was because they were LOOKING for an excuse to criticize the person posting. They would ignore "flaws" either in type or content when it's someone they LIKE or agree with, and even make excuses for them, five minutes after they just tried to tear someone else apart for the same exact "flaw".

"Mismatchers" scan for things that they might be able to use as an opportunity to blame or criticize someone for, and will try to use anything at all to turn into a "flaw", or say that it's "incorrect", or even "crazy", in order to put the person down.

    

Triangulation, Blocking Friendships

Seems like every time you talk to someone else, the person in your life you suspect has Narcissism has to insert themselves into the conversation, or literally get between you, or cut you off? Do they seem to get upset whenever you talk to someone when they weren't present, especially someone they know or like, or someone they're apparently intimidated by or jealous of?

(Notwithstanding you speaking to a person who has hurt or betrayed them. That's something that Narcissists will often do; make sure to preserve a relationship with a person who has betrayed, disrespected, or abused their target, and will often do so as if to support and sympathize with the perpetrator, regardless of the original relationship between them. Preserving peace in a family is one thing; being "buddies" and sympathizing with an acquaintance, a "friend", an ex, or family member who treated the target abusively is quite another.)

Or they act hurt or offended, like you're leaving them out on purpose every time you speak to someone else in a friendly manner, or when someone speaks to you?

Triangulation is the name of the game. Because of their paranoia and control issues, they have to control ties between people they know, and communications, and relationships.

If you become "close" with someone else, then THEY might get left out or abandoned by either you or the other person (in their mind).
THEY might become the target of the same things they're already doing to others (or to you) if you make some kind of connection with another person.

Since they control and manipulate ties and relationships between those around them, especially targets, they are likely to fear that they are going to be the one being manipulated or abandoned if they aren't in control of a connection between you and someone else.

If you are a person who has good intentions and healthy relationship practices, you wouldn't triangulate against them, betray them, or abandon them in the first place just because you had a friend.
(If that's not the case, then they might not be paranoid after all.)
But assuming that you do not do those things, and would not to them, then their actions regarding your connections with others has to do with projection, paranoia, or control, or all of the above.   

No Jokes Allowed (Except For Mine)

"Losing" your sense of humor is one of the signs of Narcissistic control, abuse, or influence.
Humor is one of the things that both humans and chimps share, and openly laughing can only take place in relatively safe environments.

Because it's also used as a weapon for demeaning and diminishing others, it's a kind of status display. So in a safe environment anyone can laugh and will be joined by others because no one is thinking of it as a status display or a weapon.

But in a Control, bully, status-competition environment, any nearby Narcissists or Controllers will react negatively to someone laughing whom they want control and domination over (whom they want to be higher status than).

Basically, Controllers typically don't like it when others laugh or make jokes unless they're the ones "being funny", or unless they laughed FIRST.

There are tons of films and shows with scenes that illustrate and poke fun at how Controller Narcissists, often depicted as some kind of Big Boss, expect everyone to laugh at all of their jokes, and don't like it when someone else makes a joke or laughs at something other than what the Controller decides is funny.

If He Or She Does Not Respect You, There Can Be No Healthy Connection

If a person does not respect you, it's often because they are lacking respect for themselves for some reason, not because you aren't a person who "deserves respect".

(Whether you are or you aren't is not up to their personal judgment, feelings, bias, assumptions, or resentments, and certainly not about your sex, race, height, weight, accent, the way you look or how much money you do or don't have, nor is it about whether you can cook or not, or repair the house or not, or what your job or your interests are; it's about much more important things: how you treat people, how ethical and honest you are, how much real integrity you have.)

If you ask them, they are likely to say that respect is earned, not given, which means they probably have respect confused with adulation, fear, and prestige. They may not know what respect really is, and that it's freely given first in healthy civilizations and then lost if one does something terrible to lose it, something that shows they aren't trustworthy, like scamming, lying, betrayal, or abusiveness. Then it can possibly be re-earned later, maybe, by showing that one is earnestly behaving in a trustworthy manner.



Shame and the lack of respect are related to one another.
One does not simply carry SHAME around until they can "prove" that they don't deserve it.
REAL shame comes from REAL misdeeds, it doesn't appear out of nowhere, unless someone who is mentally ill is casting that shame upon another person for the sole purpose of hurting them or their reputation.
Those who "don't respect" others for no legitimate reason are likely to have control issues and are likely to be shame-casters, trying to make other people "lesser" in order to make themselves feel "bigger", because they lack self-respect, and may have no idea how to build it. 

They can not be someone whom you can connect with in a real way that's beneficial because: ~they are not going to ever want to see your point of view or even hear it;
~they will take any request or suggestion as you making "demands" of them;
~they will react to your every single non-positive emotional expression with insult, blame, shame, defensiveness and rejection;
~they are not going to behave caringly toward you unless you are giving them something;
~they are going to accuse you of being self-centered and dramatic whenever you're upset about anything, even about things that have nothing to do with them, and even if they were extremely traumatic events for you such as physical attack, rape, robbery, natural disaster, death of a loved one, abuse, severe loss, etc.;
~they are not going to remember anything positive about you;
~they will see everything you do and say in a negative light;
~they will not have respect for your loved ones including children and parents, or for your other friends, or the relationships between you and other people;
~they will not have respect for your goals, plans, ambitions, work, hobbies, interests, studies;
~they will not have respect for your strengths, capabilities, skills, knowledge, or experience;
~they will not have respect for your intelligence or personality
~they will not have respect for your possessions or finances
~they will not have respect for your reputation, personal or business
~they will not have respect for your pets
~and they will not let go of you, because to them you're not a "real" person. They will BLAME you for distancing yourself from them to avoid the way they treat you, as if you're abandoning them or treating them unfairly. 

Unfortunately there is no way to actually communicate with them, they are standing ready to knock down any words you say like a tennis player hitting any ball that comes toward them. They aren't going to "catch" any of them, they're just going to hit them. So it's simply not possible to communicate, not even to tell them that you care about them, or that they deserve their own respect. (Forget about getting a neutral third party to help with communication, they'll reject that too, or if they do go, they'll bring that tennis racket with them anyway. They don't respect you, so let go of them, stop trying, it's pointless.)

The Opposite Of Support: Narcissism

Narcissists are not supportive of others who are having any kind of difficulty or hardship, especially on an emotional level.

If you are grieving the death of someone, they will likely be annoyed or bored.

If you are grieving the loss of a relationship, they will likely be annoyed and may say something like "Oh get over it".

If you are injured or ill, they will likely be annoyed and leave you there, alone, and NOT be compelled to help you. They will likely not call for someone else to help, unless they can make it dramatic, or imply that you were "to blame" for your injury or illness.
 
If you are being attacked, threatened, or abused by someone else, they are likely to act annoyed at you, and will often tell you to "get over it" or to be more understanding of the other person; they may even act protective of the other person.

If you are depressed, they are likely to reject you.
The more severe your depression, the more likely their rejection will be abrupt or cruel. 

If you are upset with them because of something they did or said, they are likely to reject or rage at you, or both.

If you are dealing with some kind of hardship that was or was not your "fault", they are likely to make fun of you either to your face or behind you back, and judge you negatively, but will likely NOT be supportive of you either emotionally or materially.

Severe Narcissists will take the opportunity of a person's hardship to "kick them when they're down" and sabotage their recovery, putting obstacles in their path, blocking solutions, or doing things to remove or prevent support from other people.

A great deal of Narcissistic behavior is about control and domination.

Basically the more "in need" you are for someone else to care, understand, help, comfort, or just be present, the more likely a Narcissist is to do the opposite, and the more severe their reaction will probably be. Their reactions to other people's emotions, situations and needs are opposite to non-narcissists. 

"Giver" Vs. "Doormat"

A "good" relationship, whether it's romantic, friendship, or family, is one where there is MUTUAL support. If one person is being supportive of the other, and of the relationship itself, and the other is taking that support but not actively giving any back, then it's not a mutually supportive relationship, and the first person is likely to burn out or leave.

In relationships with Narcissistic people, this one-way dynamic is compounded by the N's habit of isolating the other person so they don't get support from anyone else, either. Also, N's want extra and more support than other people do, they want all compassion and allowance for literally anything and everything they do and say, they want to own the other person and use their energy, care, and strength, (and other things as well depending on the individual N.) and then want to "keep it", not giving any back, or giving it in drips and drops to keep the other person believing that they really do care, but then taking it away on a regular basis because they have to have "control".
When the "giver's" energy is depleted, there is no one to help them fill back up.

In other words, the "giver" is the one who is there when the other is upset, or is having a hard time, is sick, is dealing with hardship, tragedy, or loss. They are there being supportive and encouraging about the other's work, goals, and ambitions, and supportive of them personally and publicly. They stand up for them against detractors and rally support from others.
The "giver" is tolerant and even understanding of the other's emotional expressions even when they're very angry, and tries to understand and figure out the reasons behind the other person's actions that are not kind, respectful or considerate toward them. The "giver" tries to find ways to improve the relationship, heal themselves and help the other person. The "giver" does not desire to cause the other pain or hardship with abandonment, rejection, or abuse, and is quick to apologize and make amends when they've misstepped, or caused pain or sadness. Since the "giver" is not arrogant, they don't assume they have all the answers; they look for support, advice, and information from outside sources.

If both parties were doing these things and had a similar outlook, then the relationship would likely become healthy and solid very quickly. These things that "givers" do are not unhealthy, they are peace and solution-oriented. They become unhealthy when they are doing these things in a relationship with a person who is not interested in doing any of these things, in "giving back", in mutual support and compassion, in mutual respect, or in the other person's well-being, needs, and goals. They may want the "giver's" compassion, tolerance, care, respect, attention, love, and understanding very much, but they really are not interested in giving it back, or learning what it means to give it back.

Often, the "giver" is seeking a genuine connection with the other person, but the other person doesn't really want that, even if they say they do; they see "connection" as a tether where they become tied down with "obligation" and have to monitor and restrain their behavior, especially when it's with someone who is the opposite sex and/or a different age group. (Many narcissistic people only want "connection" with people who they identify with very, very closely; others they just want to receive things from, from care and attention to service to material goods.)

~~~
There are levels of Narcissistic relationships, and they take different forms. Some N.'s want the other person's emotional support, respect, attention, help, or praise, but have no intention of giving it back.

As the "level" increases, more and more things can replace "emotional support and respect", or can be added on top of that. For example it's typical for a sociopath Narcissist to want a person's money, but have no intention of paying it back or supporting them in any way.

Recovery From Trauma And Difficulty Connecting With People

Making connections with people when one has PTSD from abuse or trauma can be very difficult, because of some basic reasons:
~

Difficulty in finding those who can relate, who have similar experiences.

Difficulty in finding those who have similar experiences who are emotionally and mentally healthy enough to build and maintain a mutually respectful, beneficial connection.

Difficulty in being emotionally healthy enough to maintain or build a mutually respectful, beneficial connection with a person whom one can relate to, because of coping behavior habits, distrust, effects from trauma, social anxiety, etc.

Difficulty in trusting one's own judgment regarding other people and their motives, and therefore avoiding connections and interactions.

Still having connections with those who have Narcissism issues, who do various blatant or SUBTLE things to isolate a person, or to block or sabotage other relationships.

Still having connections with those who have Narcissism issues, who do or say things to trigger one's own isolation behaviors, or to negatively influence one's self-image and self-confidence.

Sometimes being in a dissociative state where one forgets one thing because they're trying to remember or work on another. So for example when concentrating on the new job, simply not staying in contact with others, forgetting to maintain the connections.

Not being compelled to reach out, interact with, and connect with others, in the way that those who don't have PTSD from trauma or abuse often are.

Being very aware of how manipulative or aggressive so many humans can be, and therefore not blindly trusting people like most non-abuse-targets or non-trauma survivors tend to do.

Because of awareness and lack of trust, NOT giving "I trust you" and "come on in" social signals; many people, especially the less mature, will interpret this as unfriendliness; Narcissists will often interpret it as arrogance, "coldness", or rejection (they take it as a personal affront, of course).

Because of awareness and lack of trust or just having a polite or mature demeanor, NOT acting overtly friendly, attention-seeking, loud, or flirtatious. The immature often interpret this as "shyness", "low self-esteem", and Narcissists often interpret it as the previous two but also as being intimidated by their greatness or their physical strength, and as a lack of intelligence or capability.

Being aware that one may still be a target for con artists, or a target for other Narcissists for various reasons such as envy, ego threat, physical attractiveness, success, wealth, appearance, race, or an appearance of being an easy mark. One may find one's self in connection with yet another one, or in a dysfunctional group, and so again having to extricate one's self, and then heal and recover from it; it can become an exhausting process when it keeps repeating. (The upside of this is that the more it happens, the more practice one can get in dealing with others, and the more confident and efficient one will become with it.) 

~~~

Not having many (or any) positive or even neutral connections that are solid and safe with other people is NOT UNCOMMON for those who are recovering from Narcissistic abuse or other trauma, nor for those who are still connected to or living with someone who is controlling, abusive, or has Narcissism.
One DOES NEED TO be careful about who one connects with, and at the same time one may have trouble dealing with normal human behaviors and speech from trustworthy people.
Recovery can and will help a person to heal their boundaries and remember or relearn how to make healthy connections, and how to discern when it's actually appropriate (and not solely reactive) to distance one's self from a person.

Separating Feelings From The External World (Narcissists Often Can't)

The thing about people who have various forms of Narcissism is that no one close to them is tolerated to have any kind of emotions that don't make the N. person feel good, happy, cared for, safe, praised, or powerful. This is where a lot of the "eggshell walking" comes from.

("BPD". PTSD and other boundary issues can share this problem, but not for exactly the same reasons; the person with Narcissism will reject, discard, and turn on others for this, while BPD and PTSD usually simply feel affected or controlled and may become upset, even defensive, but won't viciously discard the person or "retaliate".)

Normal communicative exchange is literally not possible, because you might insert some kind of emotional expression into your speech that cause them serious discomfort, or triggers them to feel defensive, or to retreat, withdraw, rage, or discard you. Or you might express that you like someone or something that the N. is envious, jealous, or afraid of, or you might express positive energy, optimism, excitement, or joy about something or someone.

Their own emotions, feelings, are what they're reacting to, just like every other human being. The difference is that people with Narcissism issues think that all of their feelings are representative of actual reality. They don't identify what they FEEL as their own internal reactions and perceptions; they think that the external world was the SOURCE of their feelings.

So if they felt fear when they looked at the spider, the spider to them is CAUSING them to be afraid, it's the SPIDER, not their own brain function.

If they find another person physically attractive, it's the PERSON DOING IT, they are MAKING themselves "be" attractive, they are CAUSING the feelings, like you would "cause" a cart to move by pushing it.

They are very likely to assume that EVERYONE finds the person attractive in exactly the same way as they do, because they don't know that it's THEIR OWN brain that's causing their feelings.

So if YOU make some kind of noise that sounds like frustration or annoyance, and they feel a twinge of something when they hear your noise, they won't see each thing as a separate thing (your noise, what your real reason for the noise was, your feelings being just as valid as theirs, and their assumptions about your noise and your feelings, and their emotional reaction to the noise.)
You made the noise therefore you CAUSED THEM to FEEL the twinge (of whatever feeling they had in reaction to it). Therefore you're DOING IT TO THEM, and BEING "CONTROLLING" or "PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE" TOWARD THEM.
~~~
People who interpret everything another person says, does, and expresses as having a hidden agenda or covert meaning likely have some form of paranoia, and may be projecting someone else's behaviors from their past onto a new person. Obviously not getting treatment for this will probably destroy a relationship.

They may also be revealing that THEY have hidden agendas and meanings behind everything THEY do and say, and they're projecting their behaviors and motives onto the other person.

Where Scapegoats Come From

When a person gets targeted for scapegoating in their family, group, or community, it only really works if the scapegoating is instigated by a person who others either FOLLOW, FAVOR, or believe to be above reproach (which of course can't be real if they're a human.).

Scapegoating so-and-so becomes part of the culture of the family, group, or community when there are more people who go along with it than who stand up against it.

People "learn" who the leader is in a group by other people's behavior. They also learn who is expected to do what, how the group collectively views and labels each person (usually having little to do with reality), AND who "everyone" treats poorly as a regular thing. 

~~~ No one talks to Jerry, so I'm not going to talk to him either... he's weird... even though I know not a shred of information about him. I'm just going to go along with the crowd without question, because I want to be accepted by them. He looks pretty normal to me, but since he seems to accept the way people treat him, he must AGREE that he should be treated as not really a real member of the group, so I'm going to do that too.

~~~ Everyone speaks respectfully to Robert, and treats him as if he's the Leader and that he knows what he's doing, so I'm just going to go along with it without getting to actually know him at all as a person. He LOOKS like a Leader type... so I'll just assume that he's good at it, and just do whatever he says. If he says or does anything that seems immature, mean, or incorrect, I'm going to pretend I didn't notice it, because that's what everyone else does.

(Dysfunctional groups either fully support their Leader as if the person is "perfect", OR they discard, EJECT, the Leader as if the person is "terrible"; the black and white thinking does not allow for a Leader to be a real person who's sometimes right and sometimes wrong, or who needs the help of others, or who doesn't LOOK or TALK like they want a "Leader Type" person to.).

~~~ Everyone talks about Elizabeth like she is very responsible and a take-charge person, so it must be true, I'll assume that it's true and will just go along with her being in charge of all kinds of things without getting to know her at all, or reviewing anything that she actually does.
She looks and acts like a responsible person, so it must be true.

~~~ Everyone treats Melissa like she's annoying, so I'm going to as well, even though I know nothing about her, and have taken no time or effort to connect with her or get to know about her. Everyone says she's "this" and "that" when she's not present, so I'm just going to go along with them. I did notice that she has rather large breasts, and pretty eyes, so she must be either stuck-up, promiscuous, or an airhead.. at least that's what I want to believe, because I envy her looks, and would rather tear her down than be supportive of her. 

The dynamic doesn't just occur out of the clear blue sky, it builds and builds over time, starting with a specific event or situation.

Often the scapegoat is easily singled out in the group, they're "different" than the others in some way, which is one of the reasons why the others go along with it instead of stopping it.

Only people with bully and control issues initiate the dynamic, but the insecure, envious, non-self-aware, or others with bully issues tend to follow along very quickly.

An original event that may culminate in a Controller scapegoating another member of the group usually involves the Controller doing something TO the person that's unkind, unfair, or abusive.
Then the Controller gets worried that they're going to be seen to be unfair or abusive toward the person.
They may have treated the person poorly, or they may have not stopped someone else from doing it.

Either way, the Controller begins to target the individual in order to intimidate them, upset them, distract them, and sabotage their confidence or their actual projects, work, and tasks. At the same time they start a TREND in the group of targeting the person as "Someone We Don't Respect", or  "Someone We Don't Want Around".

Amazingly, the majority of people will follow along and not raise one question about it. When the target protests or expresses any emotion about the poor treatment, the group is already primed to reject and invalidate whatever the person says.

The reasons that a person might treat a person poorly in the first place depend on the Controller or bully's own inner emotional or psychological issues. They might pick on a person who's chronically ill, or who they're intimidated by physically. They might pick on a person who they envy, or who they believe is inferior to themselves. They may pick on a person because their physical appearance is different than their own, or different from the larger group.
A person whom an envier thinks is "beautiful" will often get targeted in the same vicious way as a target who a bully sees as "unattractive".

It solely depends on the issues of the person doing the targeting.

A common reason other than those listed above is when a person STANDS UP FOR someone who is being targeted for scapegoating or abuse. When this happens, the person who is standing up against the unfair or abusive treatment often gets targeted far WORSE than the original target, because he or she threw a wrench in the dynamic and also pointed out that a Bully or Controller was doing something "wrong", which they typically can't tolerate. So the person who stands up in the group against unfairness or abuse often becomes the NEW "Black Sheep", replacing the former.

It's also important to note that once the "cultural norm" of scapegoating an individual has been established, those in the group who participate will rarely be swayed to change the way they treat or view the person, no matter what happens, no matter what they find out, and no matter what the targeted person does or has done in reality. The scapegoating is not based in reality anyway, so reality does nothing to change it.

About The Fad Of "Tough-Love"

For God's sake put away that stupid "tough love" book, most people have no idea what it means or when it's appropriate, or why, or how. "LOVE" means you care about the person, as in CARE about the person, as in CARE.

Um... criticizing a person, bossing them around, judging them, shaming them, chastising or threatening them, or putting them on the street when they're struggling or too young to take care of themselves is not "helping" or "being supportive", and no, it's not being "real" or "being a good friend". It's just control freak bully behavior, shaking a finger at someone makes a lot of people feel important.

The Choice Is Yours To Bully Or Not To Bully

Scapegoats are often the one who has already been targeted by abuse and neglect, but they are also often the one who has stood up for the original Scapegoat.
In many dysfunctional groups where Narcissism is present, the person who stands up for a target of abuse or slander will actually be targeted MORE than the original target, with increased contempt, and with increased effort in rallying "support" in targeting and rejecting the person.
In many of these groups, the original Scapegoat will often jump on board, going along with targeting the very person who stood up for them. They see it as an opportunity to get acceptance from the group that they didn't have before.
This dynamic is becoming more and more common in humans, unfortunately, and the effects can be seen quite clearly in the deteriorating society.
Beware, those who stand up for others, or for themselves~ you're an increasingly rare breed, and the likelihood of being targeted more than ever for it is higher and higher, because there are more and more people who are jumping on the scapegoating/bullying wagon in order to avoid rejection from the increasingly dysfunctional group.
The effect is exponential; the more bullies there are, the more bullies there are, and therefore the less anti-bullies there are. The less people there are who will stand up against it, due to fear of rejection.
Without those who have the courage to stand up against bullying, disrespect, gossip, abuse and betrayal in their own family, friendship groups and communities, the society will simply regress into a barbaric state and will lose its sense of civility. Eventually the entire culture becomes one big horror show, as has been seen over and over throughout human history.
It's YOUR CHOICE, and MY CHOICE, to be one of the people who stand up for others (and for oneself), who are supportive of those who have been or who are being betrayed, abused, targeted, manipulated, and slandered, or to be one of the people who do nothing, and who go along with it and allow it.

On The Apparently Growing Narcissism Epidemic

"We must teach empathy early on to our children.
Empathy doesn't come naturally anymore like in the old days, it seems. Society is highly decadent in manners and morals, unfortunately. Maybe if we raise awareness of the problem, talk more about it in the media, pass a law to include the study of Empathy in the school curriculum....maybe....with more brain research ...maybe....with cognitive techniques...conflict resolution skills thought in pre wedding and pre parenting classes which should be mandatory....maybe these beasts would be tamed....to start with....Am I being realistic?!!
(On the other hand....mass exorcism might be the order of the day....! ! ! Seriously!)
I also noticed that the word has being applied more and more to define this political Administration's pattern of behavior: twisting the facts, projecting their own faults, blaming others, not taking personal responsibilities, lying, false promises, arrogance, betrayal, self serving, delusional, double standard and on....and on...and on...as we all know.
The coming campaign will be very enlightening to those that have ears to hear....! Theme of the moment: character disorder, manipulative behavior."

Anonymous writer regarding the apparently increasing epidemic of Narcissism

Always Happy, Or Always Depressed, Same Cause For Narcissists

Narcissists are usually either always happy, or always unhappy and depressed.
The reason is basically because Narcissists are happy ONLY when they're getting the SUPPLY that they want.

So if Narcissist A's SUPPLY is easy for them to get for whatever reason, they're a "HAPPY PERSON".
If Narcissist B's SUPPLY is hard for them to get, then they're going to be moody and depressed.

Let's say both Narc. A and Narc. B's SUPPLY is sexual attention and praise from other people (You're so hot...you're so beautiful... Hi there gorgeous...Wow who's that...I'd like to take you home...Hello there...) etc., etc.~

Narc. A retains their looks over the years, keeps looking young and attractive, and keeps receiving positive attention and praise from others.

Narc. B suffers some kind of health problem or injury and along with age, loses their once "gorgeous" looks, and therefore no longer receives the steady stream of positive attention and praise.

Narc. A is getting the supply, and is therefore "Happy".

Narc. B is not getting the very same supply, and is therefore "Depressed".

Nothing else in their lives matters. They won't care about other people whether they're HAPPY or DEPRESSED, although those who are DEPRESSED will often try to hang on to anyone who does give them praise, but that's not the same as "caring" about them, they just found a potential Supplier in a well that's apparently dry.
Those who are always HAPPY will simply discard, reject, or hurt whoever is not giving them enough Supply, including their own kin, and look for someone else to give it to them.

In societies that have a high amount of Narcissism, many people WILL  often treat those who they find physically attractive with positive attention, and will treat those who they DON'T find physically attractive like crap. They'll also treat those they envy (because they're "good-looking") like crap. So the destructive social dynamic becomes a "real" thing, albeit created by the very "thing" itself, spurring more and more people to seek positive attention via their appearance, and buying into the destructive cycle.  

Concept Of Relationship Foreign To Narcissists

Those who are immature or who have Narcissism don't get the concept of "relationship". They tend to think that they're entitled to any of the relationships they have, and to ownership over other people. That's one of the main reasons they don't want to do any "work" on relationships or on themselves, and why they get so upset when anyone suggests it.
Typically they get upset just talking about something that happened or something they did, and will try to divert or end the discussion.
They think that knowing someone IS all that a "relationship" requires, unless of course they want the OTHER person to change... but themselves? No way, they're already perfect, the other person is the one who needs to make any and all changes, not them.
A person with Narcissism might make little changes over time, just because it's natural for a human to change somewhat as they age and as they experience different things. But they're probably not going to ever understand the concept of a mutual relationship.

Making It To The Top

There's a very big difference between being carried to the top of the mountain by someone's helicopter and climbing it on foot. There's also a very big difference between climbing the mountain with full equipment, support, and companionship, and climbing it alone, or without expensive equipment or supplies. And there's yet another very big difference between climbing the mountain to the top in calm weather, and climbing it during a storm, during winter cold, or during an avalanche.

Just because one person made it to the top of the mountain doesn't mean they had to work nearly as hard as someone else to get there. Some people have lots and lots of help from others, and some have to fight obstacles that others don't have, and still others have to climb through obstacles all alone.
Just because one person doesn't get to the top doesn't mean they don't have the ability, nor does it mean that the top was even their goal.

Each person has a unique climb that's different from anyone else's, and the peak is not the ultimate goal, or the only place to be. To judge a person by how high they've climbed up the mountain simply shows a lack of understanding life.

Note To Counselors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists

Having a degree or even a job does not mean that one is an automatic expert at diagnosing or assessing patients, or at treating them. If I think of you as a lesser person than myself, I am not going to diagnose or treat you properly. Same if I don't like you, am bored by you, or judge you. If I'm not interested in observing the way other individuals treat you either in your family or in general, or if I judge your family member to be more worthy or respect-deserving than you, again I am not going to treat or diagnose you properly. If I judge your whole family to be some kind of lesser class of people, there's no way I'll treat or diagnose you properly. If I consider myself a world class expert, I am probably going to overlook my own bias and weakness and fail to diagnose or treat you properly. If I harbor class, race, sex, or age bias, I'm definitely not going to treat you properly. My norm is probably NOT your norm, but if I think it is, if I believe I am the picture of "normalcy", then no, I am not going to diagnose or treat you properly.

Too many difficulties? Too many hurtles? Too bad. That's how it works. Psychology professionals used to have a better grasp on why objectivity and absence of bias is so important, now there are too many who seem to consider themselves superior to their patients, or just superior in general.

The following is an article on comorbidity of AS and Bipolar, but it goes into detail about diagnostic issues and validity. Why is it relevant? Because it's become commonplace for psych. professionals to do very little observation or use objectivity when assessing or treating a patient, because there are no consequences for mistakes for them (only disasterous ones for patients and clients). This article goes into some detail regarding diagnosing and assessment that can and should be applied to any patient.

Introduction

Despite its increasing popularity as a distinct condition (included in the ICD-10 in 1993 and in the DSM-IV in 1994), the nosological status of Asperger's syndrome (AS) and its diagnostic validity remains uncertain. An astonishing 556% increase in pediatric prevalence of pervasive developmental disorders (PDD) has been reported between 1991 and 1997 [1]. This jump is probably due to heightened awareness and changing diagnostic criteria rather than to new environmental influences.

Both AS and autism persist into adulthood, but their phenotypic expression varies with age. AS may also be unrecognized in adulthood, although usually not forever. Some individuals with AS live almost normally and show good adaptation, while many can hardly cope and need supervision. Some cases are referred to psychiatric services for adults because of concurrent mental disorders or behavioral derangement, especially aggression and self-injury, rather than specific symptoms of AS. In these circumstances, the AS diagnosis is often overlooked. Since these cases appear odd and atypical in comparison with patients commonly observed in the adult psychiatric setting, they often receive several diagnoses in the course of time. The awareness of the AS diagnosis has been considered contingent on certain key professionals, who are interested in the area [2]. However, even when the correct diagnosis of AS or other PDD is made, it should not be considered necessarily exhaustive. It is of importance also to recognize comorbid psychiatric disorders, especially if successfully treatable.

Comorbid psychiatric conditions are frequent in patients with PDD. Patients with AS often present eccentricities, emotional lability, impairments in social functioning, anxiety and obsessive traits, demoralization, suicidal ideation, tempers, coldness, defiance, motor and phonic tics, repetitive behaviors, and stereotypies, that can mimic other mental illnesses [3]. The differential diagnosis with true comorbidity of schizophrenia, BD or anxiety disorders is not always easy. Children with PDD have a two-to-six-times greater risk of experiencing comorbid psychiatric conditions than their normal peers [4-6]. Awareness of the problem is increasing but available evidence on the topic is scanty. Psychiatric comorbidity of AS has been often cited but not well examined. There are very few systematic studies on psychiatric comorbidity in PDD [7-10], and only one in AS [11]. Clinicians treating children report a high comorbidity with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Oppositional defiant disorder, Depressive disorders, and Bipolar disorder [7].

Data on BD and AS comorbidity are inconsistent. McElroy [12] emphasizes that bipolarity is a marker for comorbidity, and comorbid disorders, especially multiple conditions occurring when a patient is young, may be a marker for bipolarity. However, most studies [7-9,11], evidence Unipolar depression as the most common mood disorder in patients with PDD, while only one report by Munesue et al [10] suggests that BD might be the most frequent. Several factors could account for this discrepancy.

First, as discussed by Frazier et al [13], it is difficult to ascertain the rate of comorbidity between AS and BD since the diagnosis of AS is currently used rather indiscriminately, referring to a heterogeneous group [14], and the actual incidence of pediatric BD is probably underestimated until the definition of bipolarity in children is more fully agreed upon. Second, BD often begins in childhood or early adolescence with the clinical features of unipolar depression, acute psychosis, or comorbid disorder (e.g., ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attack, or eating disorder), while manic symptoms appear later. As a consequence, the rate of bipolar diagnosis, can increase with the mean age of studied population. Third, the current classification of mood disorders has poor reliability and validity. According to DSM-IV-TR, the differential diagnosis between unipolar depression and BD II should be based on the lifetime presence of four days of hypomania. Information on mild symptoms overlapping with manifestations of well-being is subject to recall bias, unreliable evaluation, misinterpretation, incoherence. Furthermore, the source of information (patient, relatives, social institutions) can suggest different conclusions. Widening or narrowing the criteria for the definition of hypomania modifies substantially the ratio between unipolar and bipolar II depression [15].

Notwithstanding such gray area, growing evidence suggests that PDD and BD frequently co-occur. Unfortunately, most studies do not explicit the number of cases with AS since they predate DSM-IV [16-18]. In a clinical sample of 727 children, 52 met criteria for PDD, 114 met criteria for mania, and 14 of 52 children with PDD met criteria also for BD (2% of all referrals, 12% of children with BD, and 27% of children with PDD) [19]. In a consecutive series of adult patients referred with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, 7% had BD [20]. Autism spectrum disorder, BD and Tourette syndrome were found to co-occur at a greater than chance expectation in the study of Kerbeshian & Burd [21].

Also family data suggest an etiological link between AS and BD. DeLong and Dwyer [22] found that relatives of probands with PDD had a 4.2% prevalence of BD and that the prevalence was highest among relatives of probands with AS (6.1% versus 3.3% for relatives of probands with autism). Gillberg & Gillberg [23] found that 4 (17%) of 23 patients with AS and 3 (13%) of 23 patients with autism had a family history of affective disorder. Comparing children affected by autistic spectrum disorders with and without identifiable neurological disorder that could account for their autism, DeLong and Nohria [24] found that the latter had a higher rate of family history of affective disorder. On the contrary, Piven et al [25] found that major depression, but not BD, had higher lifetime prevalence in the parents of autistic probands in comparison with the general population.

Interestingly, a family history of BD may influence the phenomenology of patients with PDD. In subjects with autism spectrum disorder and a family history of BD, many features of childhood BD have been observed, including affective extremes, cyclicity, obsessive traits, neuro-vegetative disturbances, special abilities, and regression after initial normal development. On the other hand, subjects with autism spectrum disorder and without a family history of BD showed less florid agitation, fearfulness, and aggression, and were of lower functioning [26].

In a previous series of patients, we described common clinical features of patients with AS in the emergency psychiatric setting and discussed the differential diagnosis with psychotic disorders [27]. Here, we present three subjects affected by AS and concomitant bipolar spectrum disorders that outline some clinical features of these patients and discuss some troublesome and complex problems of their management.

Your Date Or Partner Seems Bored With You? Red Flag

Pay attention to how others react to you when you speak, when you enter a room, when you're in a room together, or when you're in a group. Different levels of friendship, loyalty, care, respect, and the lack thereof can be observed by the way others behave. They're not your real friend just because they say they are, or because they smile at you, or because they compliment you sometimes, or because they spoke to you for five or ten minutes and made eye contact. They're not even your friend just because they've invited you out a few times, or because there's "chemistry". Pay attention to the way they TREAT you, when you're alone with them and when there are others present, and when you're separated by distance. Do they seem bored easily with you? Are they way more "animated" and joyful when someone else enters the room, but with you it's just bleh? Or are you the person they seem happy to see, but for longer than the first fifteen minutes?

Lots of people have Narcissism issues without being full-blown NPD's, and will use others for companionship just so they're not alone. They can be bored out of their minds with a person, or not really like a person much, but just don't want to be by themselves, or want the person for something about them.

A lot of people do this with a person whom they're physically attracted to, but don't really LIKE or respect as a human being or as a friend. They'll keep trying to get the person to believe they like and respect them so they won't find someone else.
A real "relationship" is with someone who's an actual friend, which means the same as it does with any other friend. We don't hang out with people we don't really like or respect as platonic friends, or those we have nothing in common with and can't make a connection. It's no different with romantic relationships, if the person is ONLY attractive to another person in a physical sense, then pretending to "like" and "respect" them is nothing more than using them, just like using a person for their money.

Family is different, we may or may not "like" and want to hang out with certain family members much, but we treat them with respect and courtesy, and have a bond with them regardless. We can and should be able to be in the same house with them for hours, each doing different things. We were born into a family, we didn't CHOOSE to create a friendship or relationship with them. The way we treat one another in a family either makes or breaks it, but we didn't pick the individuals who are in it, nor did we ask to be invited.

But with friendships and partners, we are making a CHOICE, we aren't born into the relationship, it's not preexisting or predestined. We make friendships and partnerships because we have things in common that we enjoy and are interested in, shared humor, shared activities, etc. So if those things are not there, if "hanging out" is more like sitting with a family member who we don't have anything in common with, who we're being polite with but who doesn't really want to do anything with us or talk like good friends do, then there's something going on that doesn't add up. If the relationship is false, then if this is brought up, the other person will typically become defensive and even hostile. A real friend (platonic or romantic) would simply be concerned, not defensive or hostile, and want to figure out how to make it "good" again.

Quit Your Whining Victim Mentality

Narcissists, bullies, and abusers are always annoyed and dismissive toward those who stand up for targets of abuse and manipulation.

Stop Trusting Narcissistic People

Stop trusting people who act like they're bored by you, annoyed with you, or don't respect you, and stop trying to get their approval, their acceptance, or their love. You'll be amazed at how much happier and more confident you'll feel, and how much more you can accomplish, and how much more rested you'll feel.