The Lion And The Field Mouse

The Lion And The Field Mouse
by Mimi Black


A field mouse lives in a hole in the lions' cage
at the zoo. The only food and water she gets is what
she can glean from the lion’s daily rations, and from
what she can find outside the cage, where she must
avoid being caught and killed by humans and other
predators such as birds and roaming cats.
She learned to avoid cheese-baited traps when
the end of her tail was cut off by one of them
snapping down on her when she tried to gather the
cheese. She has lived in the hole in the lions' cage
for three years, and has successfully raised babies,
in spite of the obstacles she must face every day.
The lions try to catch her when they see
her, but so far have not been successful.
The lions are fed and given water, health checks,
attention and affection by the zookeepers;
the mouse only gets chased with a broom.
Everyone is careful about how they treat the lions
because of their teeth, claws, and bad temper,
but no one is careful about how they treat the mouse,
because they don’t fear her. 
No one protects her, and unlike the lions,
she is usually alone, with no one to help her.  

Which is tougher, the lion or the mouse?

Post by Reality Is Beautiful.

Group Treating You Rudely Or Weirdly

A whole group of people you have little contact with acts weird around you, doesn't talk to you, doesn't greet you, ignores you when you speak, treats you stand-offishly like you'll contaminate them or like you're a time bomb ready to go off.

You know you haven't done anything awful that would make people dislike you or lose respect for you, so you start wondering about your appearance. You find a mirror and you check yourself out, yup, nothing weird, your hair looks alright, nothing strange. You don't smell bad, either.

So what the heck is up with these people treating you like you're not welcome, like you don't belong, like you're some kind of pariah, like you're one of the "staff" at the White House who's just decided to sit down at a Presidential banquet with the guests?

There are a few possibilities.

First, are you sure they're treating you weird, for THEM? Are you sure they're not just like this all the time, and just have very bad or completely absent social skills or manners? You might be taking their very rude behavior personally when it has nothing to do with you, it's how they always act.

Along those same lines, could it be cultural? There are some extreme differences between many cultural social habits, one group's "good manners" can seem very rude, arrogant, or controlling to others. Of course some cultures actually tend to think of themselves as superior, so they ARE being rude, arrogant or controlling, but it's still not personal, it's them, not you. (I probably wouldn't stay around unless I felt I had to for some very important reason, myself.)

If that's not the case and you're sure of it, and especially if this group is not culturally different from you, then take a moment and review a few things.

Who is connected both to you and to this group?
Would that person talk about you negatively behind your back?
Does that person speak negatively about others in general?
Does that person tend to seek attention, or want to be liked or admired, and might throw you under the bus in order to make sure people like them MORE than you?
Would that person imply to others that you are a burden to them, or are hostile, ungrateful, or mentally unstable? In order to prevent people from liking you, respecting you, or finding you attractive or intelligent? In order to turn people against you and give sympathy to them?

If that's not the case either, and you're sure, then what about the prejudice, bigotry, and bias issues of this group? What is your sex, your age, and your ancestry? Do they have bias for the other sex, but bias against yours? Are they rude, disrespectful, condescending and unsupportive to people of your sex? Do they tend to think of your sex in certain parameters, but not really as "people", or as "equals" to the other sex?
If this is the case, then protecting one's self from them might be what you need to focus on instead of social interaction. You might not be safe either socially or physically.

Are they ignoring you because you're of a different age group, younger or older? Many people do this when they're around their peers, no matter how old or young they are. They may not even realize they're doing it. If they're young or if they're elderly, just deal with it, it's probably not personal at all. If they're closer to your age, though, it might be intentional arrogant and rude behavior; watch your back, and ignore their rude speech or actions. Maybe just leave if there's nothing important going on.

Are they trying to send a message that you're not really welcome because of your different ancestral features? (Ancestral prejudice can even be seen in humans within the same ancestral groups who have slightly different features, like the color of a person's hair or the shape of their nose.)

Could they be very shy, and are afraid to speak to you? Perhaps because you are "different" from the rest of the group, or very tall, or very good-looking, or they think you're very accomplished, wealthy, or well-traveled?
Shyness is often misconstrued as arrogance; you may take their shyness as arrogance, or they may take yours as arrogance.
(Maybe).

If it's not that, could it be that your manner is actually more civil and polite than theirs, and they are used to people being loud or obnoxious? This still falls under the category of lacking social graces, but it could be that they think you're keeping your distance on purpose if this is the case. In other words, you're not yelling and making sweeping gestures to get attention, so you must not want attention... some groups in some regions act and think this way.

Are you often told you are good-looking, or do you have any physical disabilities or differences? Immature people who have not learned social graces, or who are insecure with themselves, will often group together and talk about an attractive person who enters the room, or a person who has a different physical appearance, and will be reluctant to talk to them out of intimidation, or will spread negative implications about them to the rest of the group.

Are you very short or very tall? Again, immature people are often fixated on a person who enters the room who is physically "different" from themselves, and they will often simply not speak to the person.

If a group is suddenly treating you differently when they are your friends or family, or coworkers, or classmates, or neighbors, then the possibility of someone trashing you behind your back is high. If they are all very immature, then they would be much more likely to just go along with it willingly instead of standing up for you or not believing it. If they've been envious or jealous of you, that's a big motivation for going along with gossip. Resentment is another one. But simple ridiculous arrogance and self-righteousness are the biggest ones. Take this as a warning that you're dealing with unscrupulous people, and it might be time to look for new friends, and stop trusting these people so much, or expecting good manners or intentions from them. 

Shame As Control

Controllers, especially Narcissistic Controllers, assign "shame" to everything and anything. They learned that shame can be used as a very effective control tool, like a Riding Crop. (Horse whip stick thing). Most likely they picked up the behavior during childhood, and probably not only from someone doing it to THEM, but also from watching it being done to others.

So if their father used shame as a control against their mother, or vice versa, or both, they received constant "lessons". If their parents did it to their sibling, again, continual lessons, up close and personal. They may have joined in shaming the person or people in their family who were receiving the shame-treatment instead of standing up for them, because it made them feel like they were HOLDING the Crop, and therefore one of the "important people", instead of getting stung with the Crop, and apparently being one of the "unimportant people". .

They may also have learned it from other relatives OR FROM THEIR COMMUNITY, like in school, for example. Narcissistic faculty (teachers, coaches, principals, etc.) also use shame and humiliation to control or hurt students, and don't stop other children from doing it to other children, either.

A Narcissistic Controller will cast shame on a person for pretty much anything at all, and claim self-righteousness at the same time.

So you ought to be ashamed and embarrassed for leaving the lid off the sugar bowl.... I would NEVER do that, and neither would the rest of the family!!! Except for that loser no-account Donald. HE leaves the lid off the sugar bowl too... AND he hangs around with that loser friend of his, that weird one who doesn't kill hornets... he let's them gooooo..."

ANYTHING and anything, and anything.

If you're a Republican you're "bad", if you're a Democrat you're "bad", if you belong to a different church than theirs your "bad", if you go to church at all you're "bad", if you don't wear the same clothes as they do you're "bad", if you didn't wash your car you're "bad", if you don't do a job that fits their stereotype of the way you look you're not only "bad" but you're "crazy" too...

You didn't shut the lamp off, so "whack!" with a little shame... you didn't turn the lamp ON, so "whack!" with some more shame...

What's up that haircut, that shirt, those shoes, your goals, your college subject, the fact that you aren't in college, the kind of dog you have, how many cats you have, how you don't have a pet, how you have a big house, how you have a tiny apartment... etc ad infinitum...

ON AND ON AND ON...

By the time a target reaches adulthood, they may not be able to discern what a GENUINELY "shameful" act would be or would NOT be, so they can end up feeling shame for anything they do, and often, regardless of what they're doing. A Target can end up feeling shame attached to buttoning their own shirt to get ready for work. Or for getting ready for work. Or for having a job. Or for calling in sick because they broke their leg. Or for talking to an old friend. Etc. etc.

They inherited the Crop/Whip from someone during their childhood, almost certainly.

The holder of the Riding Crop is the one who uses it to sting and control the horse. The horse does not have one, or hold one. If the horse were to defend itself from the whip of the Crop, the horse would receive more stings.

The Narcissist sees themselves as the "trainer", the "rider", the Holder of the Riding Crop, and their target as the horse who of course is always the one being told what to do, and always the one being GIVEN consequences, never GIVING them. In the Narcissist's mind, as in the Horse rider/trainer's mind, the roles are never reversed, and they are never "peers".  

Fantasy Land And Narcissistic Abuse

One of the most profound effects of Narcissistic abuse and control is on the target's ability to feel safe in the world of humans.
Most people live in a state of fantasy, naivete, and ignorance about the "world", about other humans. The brain creates this fantasy on purpose in order for us to go about our day and our lives in relatively happy bliss; we actually delete and ignore information that's right in front of us that makes us feel uncomfortable, like the fact that meteors fall constantly, for example, or that the balance of the natural world that keeps us alive could slip at any moment, or mundane things like about how ACTUALLY dangerous is it to drive on the highway. But it also ignores or deletes unsettling information we see clearly and blatantly about those close to us, those around us, AND about ourselves. So we go through life basically thinking everything is pretty much honky dory, not much to worry about, as long as things are going the way we expect and want.

But those who have been targets of abuse, especially Narcissistic abuse, find out about the hidden underbelly of human behavior and motivations, and find out the hard way. So the fantasies about "people are mostly good and kind" and "the world of humans is a safe and beautiful place" don't cover up the reality anymore, because one knows about the masks and the curtains. The brain has seen too much REAL information to continue the process of deleting and ignoring,
and then switches modes to a more realistic observational mode.
Targets are humans, so the realization of the actual potential motivations and intentions of people around them can cause anxiety or depression, because that's one's OWN species, those are the creatures one is supposed to live life WITH. And most still want to, to an extent, because wanting to is "normal human".
 
Since the other people around a harassment or abuse Target mostly still live in the fantasy the human brain creates of humans having good motives and good intentions, and that they themselves always have good motives and intentions, they often have a very hard time accepting or acknowledging what a Target has been through, or what a Target talks about. They don't WANT IT TO BE TRUE, and most likely can't handle it being true. If it's true about another human, then it might be true about themselves, too, and they can not deal with that or accept that. To them, that would be like accepting the reality that they could get wiped off the planet at any moment due to a natural event, or a car accident, or a sudden illness. They can't handle accepting that AND going about their usual day, or looking forward to their future plans. So they don't want to hear about it or know about it.

In order to keep denying, ignoring, and deleting, they may ignore, deny, or try to ostracize the person who was targeted by abuse. If they can make the PERSON go away, then the unhappy reality that they can't handle will go away too.

This is how the human brain works, and it's actually been proven by some reality-accepting scientists, who are few and far between. Humans don't like information that they don't like, so regardless of what it is, they will try to kick it away automatically. The less self-aware a human is, and the less they can deal with reality, the more they will do this. It's really their brain doing it, though.

Narcissistic abuse survivors may find themselves being ignored, disrespected, scapegoated, and treated more poorly than ever by others when they're trying to recover and rebuild their lives, because of this very thing. People who live in fantasy, which is most humans due to the brain's denial process, do NOT want to be shown or reminded that their fantasy they're using for living their life is not real, or that they themselves are not as lovely, logical, kind, helpful, strong, self-disciplined, or aware as they like to think of themselves. The very fact that the abuse survivor exists and shows up is evidence of all these things, and if the person starts TALKING about any of it, their defensiveness for their fantasy can increase immensely, so much so that they may try to humiliate the person so others won't like them, or try to make the person "invisible", or make them go away. 

Recovery may be greatly helped by working on understanding this human brain processing of denying and ignoring, because once we realize that's what humans do, we may no longer take it as personally, and we may be more able to discern who is actually trustworthy and who isn't, regardless of what type of relationship it is. Who will throw another person "under the bus" simply to protect their fantasy or their ego, and who won't. 

(If one wants to observe this process in action, simply bring up a subject that is outside of the known belief parameters of others. If you know that they want to believe, for example, that God doesn't exist, simply start  talking about God (nothing intense, controversial, or that could be construed as weird or shaming; something purposely light), and see what they say or do.
If you know they do believe in God but reject Evolution, you could bring up Evolution instead, but again in a light way, like "did you see the documentary on Dinosaurs that was on NatGeo the other day....it was so neat... etc..."
A fun one is gender roles; if they think women can "only do" certain things, or that men can "only do" certain things, bring up professional female baseball, or your male friend who's a hair stylist, or your female friend's auto mechanic job and how hard she works, something like that.
Another fun one is whether pot is a drug, or whether it's "good" or "bad".
Another is cryptozoology (Loch Ness, Sasquatch, Yeti), and U

Simply broach whatever stance is opposite to the person's belief, but NOT in a personal or insulting way, or the observation is moot. (Saying "God doesn't exist" or "Evolution is stupid" is not broaching the topic, it's insulting and is provoking an argument.)
If they're objective and "logically minded" about a subject, they will be able to discuss all facets and all points of view relatively calmly and openly, without trying to "win", without rudeness such as interrupting, without condescension, verbal attack or insult, and without trying to shut the subject down. If they're in belief, they'll either try to "win", become hostile, or try to shut down the conversation.

When you bring up a subject, watch for body language. (You can do this with yourself too).
Actual physical "squirming" is usually one of the first reactions, because of a sensation of discomfort.
Another is random vocal noises, breathing noises, or movement noises.
Countering may be done, depending on the person's hostility and aggression issues.
Defensiveness may come out swinging, depending on how easily the person takes things personally, or how personal they feel about the subject, and how much they have made it a part of their own identity.
An immediate insult might come flying out of their mouth, like about your male stylist friend being gay, or your female auto mechanic friend getting her nails dirty.
Then turning one's head away,
turning one's body away,
looking off into another direction,
speaking to someone else blatantly over you,
trying to display "IGNORE" signals.
Then, changing the subject.
If that doesn't work, they may  suddenly feel ILL or have a pain,
or need to go to the bathroom,
or need to get off the phone if they're on the phone with you,
or need to get going.  
If they have a high level of arrogance, they might condescend to you with something like "OH Annie, do you really believe in that craziness?"
and then have to go do something "important".

In other words, they will treat you like you're a child (or a childish adult) who is behaving rudely and inappropriately. We learn these social behaviors as children, "How to shut a hysterical person down and calm the situation". "How to display dominance or importance". 
But these are often used in very inappropriate ways by those who are enveloped in belief, or who desire superiority and control. 

Of course if they ARE objective, you might end up having a nice conversation about something interesting, and exchanging information, observations, and point of view.
(What a concept..! Civil, intelligent discussion, without rudeness or primate domination displays!)

"WHY WE DON'T BELIEVE IN SCIENCE" New Yorker

Kevin Dunbar's observations and experiments with Physics students and scientists:

Kevin Dunbar's observations and experiments about how the brain handles information:

“The scientists had these elaborate theories about what was supposed to happen,” Dunbar says. “But the results kept contradicting their theories. It wasn’t uncommon for someone to spend a month on a project and then just discard all their data because the data didn’t make sense.” Perhaps they hoped to see a specific protein but it wasn’t there. Or maybe their DNA sample showed the presence of an aberrant gene. The details always changed, but the story remained the same: The scientists were looking for X, but they found Y.How did the researchers cope with all this unexpected data? How did they deal with so much failure? Dunbar realized that the vast majority of people in the lab followed the same basic strategy. First, they would blame the method. The surprising finding was classified as a mere mistake; perhaps a machine malfunctioned or an enzyme had gone stale. “The scientists were trying to explain away what they didn’t understand,” Dunbar says. “It’s as if they didn’t want to believe it.”

....The experiment would then be carefully repeated. Sometimes, the weird blip would disappear, in which case the problem was solved. But the weirdness usually remained, an anomaly that wouldn’t go away.This is when things get interesting. According to Dunbar, even after scientists had generated their “error” multiple times — it was a consistent inconsistency — they might fail to follow it up. “Given the amount of unexpected data in science, it’s just not feasible to pursue everything,” Dunbar says. “People have to pick and choose what’s interesting and what’s not, but they often choose badly.” And so the result was tossed aside, filed in a quickly forgotten notebook. The scientists had discovered a new fact, but they called it a failure.

(Click to read the article)

Complain, Complain, Complain!

Complain, complain, complain!

When someone else is complaining about something, what's the best thing to do or say to them?

So...
is that what you would want them to do when you're complaining about something, whether it was trivial or very serious?

OH, right, sorry... YOU don't complain about anything, ever, right? Lol. Yeah, I forgot... only OTHER people (those whiny types) complain.

Anything YOU'RE talking about is VERY IMPORTANT, and very serious.
....right? Yeah, that's the ticket!

Moral High Ground Vs. Family And Friendship

A person who is using "moral high ground" in order to have an excuse to reject, abandon, abuse, dominate, or attack another person is, ironically, doing something that is immoral.

The Worlds Sucks, What Can I Do About It?

Yes, a huge number of humans are incredibly immature, stuck up, biased, and self-centered. No, there's nothing you can do about their issues, or the impact they have on others, and on the world in general. 
Except for a couple of real things.
You can double-check yourself, your motives, your biases, and your actions, and find ways and methods to make improvements wherever possible; and then you can be a beacon of hope, a model, and a mentor for others, especially young people, who are desperate for positive, self-respecting, fair-minded, non-sexist, non-bigoted, ethical adults to guide and protect them.

Healthy Parenting Vs. Unhealthy Parenting

It is absolutely not "normal" for a child to worry that he or she is going to be rejected, abandoned, invaded, insulted, stolen from, manipulated, backstabbed, exploited, triangulated against, or attacked emotionally, physically, or in any other way by a parent.

Parents who do these things have either mental illness or a personality disorder. They may have developed their illness from themselves being abused growing up, but that does not negate their responsibility as parents.

If they can't help it, because they're pathologically ill, and aren't going to be capable of recovery, then other adults around them who are not mentally ill are responsible for stepping in and helping to mentor and care for the child, with the same level of responsible parenting or balanced, healthy caregiving, not as a hero or a martyr.

In healthy families, cultures, and communities, helping others and helping with children (in a genuine way) is normal and expected. Since everyone simply does it naturally, the "burden" does not fall to only one or two people, so it's not a hardship.

(The difference between nine people pushing a stalled car with one person in it, steering, and one person pushing a car with nine people in it.
Or ten people keeping watch over a flock of sheep, taking brief shifts, sharing shifts, switching shifts, vs. one person keeping watch over the whole flock, all alone, 24/7, and then getting judged and criticized by the other nine when anything happens.)

In unhealthy groups, a mentally or emotionally ill parent is often lambasted and shamed (even if their illness is from trauma) by those with self-righteous complexes, and the child is ignored and left to deal with it by themselves, because the focus is really only on judging the parent, not on the well-being of the child. OR the child is "taken away" from the parent as a display of power and control, either by an individual or by the state, not to help either the parent or the child, just to have control.

Power Tripping Self-Righteousness (On Either The "Left" or The "Right")

Self-righteousness is the same, and for the same reasons, whether it's on the Left or the Right side of the aisle, or even outside the building.

A person with Self-righteousness likes it when he or she finds an excuse to feel offended, because it's an opportunity for a display of moral superiority, which translates to feeling control, belonging, innocence, and power.

It doesn't matter what the speech or action is that they're offended about, nor do they care if they interpreted the speech or action correctly.

If one observes, one will see that those who have Self-righteousness issues are not actually interested in the plights or problems of those around them. They are not interested in reviewing or hearing facts. They are not interested in hearing the points of view of others. They are not interested in calm and intelligent discussion, and sharing of information. They are not interested in respect toward others.

They are also not interested in improving or repairing relationships between themselves and others, or standing up for anyone who's not already in their clique, (or standing up for anyone at all), or hearing apologies, or apologizing themselves.

It's a feeling of vindication, moral superiority, moral high-ground, self-righteousness, and inclusion in a group they believe to be above others that they're after, regardless of facts, regardless of the situation, regardless of past and present, and regardless of the negative effects and consequences they have on others.

http://refulgentcoleman.blogspot.com/2014/06/power-tripping-self-righteousness-on.html

Imbalance Of Power In Culture

The more controlling and codependent a culture or community is, the more gender stereotypes, gender roles, assigned higher or lower status due to gender, and favoritism, elitism, inequity, and prejudice for or against each gender are present.

Strangely, it is not just the group that's favored that continues to reinforce these dysfunctions, but also members of the group that's discriminated against.

The reason for this is mainly the same as in racially imbalanced communities; Bullies who are members of the oppressed group can't bully those in the "favored" group, so they bully those in their own group instead, helping the oppression process.

Also, Controllers in the oppressed group often use the present imbalanced "hierarchy" for personal agendas and gain, either on a personal ("catty") level, or on a material level.

On top of that, those who are insecure, fearful, or resentful often project inferiority and weakness onto other members of their own group, contributing to the cultural false belief that the oppressed group is indeed inferior to the favored group.

Imbalanced power in a culture or community is usually either accomplished by extremely dysfunctional violent and threatening behavior by members of the group that seeks control over the other, or through passed on cultural fairy tales about who is capable of what, and who is not capable of it, and rationalizations about who is entitled to control and power.

Healthy, prosperous, long-lived, peaceful, happy, science-oriented and spiritually respectful cultures throughout history, wherever and whoever they were, have made it their priority to keep "power" balanced and fair for all members of the society, and to protect the freedom and well-being of every adult, and care for the well-being and mental and emotional growth of the children.

"Think not forever of yourselves, O Chiefs, nor of your own generation. Think of continuing generations of our families; think of our grandchildren and of those yet unborn, whose faces are coming from beneath the ground."
Dekanawida, Peacemaker, Founder Of The Iroquois Confederacy

Belief And Reality

Post by Reality Is Beautiful.

This is why we don't want to hear someone's point of view that's different from our own.
Why we want all dogs to be boys and all cats to be girls.
Why we want to keep living in biases that we grew up with.
Why we think we're right and those OTHER PEOPLE are wrong.
Why we think OUR TEAM is the BEST TEAM.
Why we want it to be TRUE that all boys and men are a certain way, that all of them can or can't do certain things.
Why we want it to be TRUE that all girls and women are a certain way, and that all of them can or can't do certain things.
Why we think we can't learn certain things because of our sex, our age, or our ancestry.
Why we argue with people when we don't know factual information.
Why we tend to know so little about the environment we live in, and are perfectly fine with that.
Why we think we know SO MUCH about other people, when we really barely know anything at all.

INFORMATION that does not align with our BELIEFS or EMOTIONS doesn't FEEL GOOD, so we avoid learning about it, and tend to turn away from it, or even pretend it doesn't EXIST.
We're humans, that's how we are, even those who work in fields such as science and journalism.

Branding

"Branding" is when a person or thing's image, appearance, and sound has been made to fit with your personal bias issues, and so you automatically like it, or listen to and believe the person, without actually knowing anything about it or them.

In this age of extreme BRANDING, people who are not famous, or who don't have a "brand" get ignored and dismissed by most people.

This goes for music, art, tv shows and restaurants as well as various products. Most people get it about CERTAIN things, but they tend not to get that they do it with human beings too, just as much if not MORE. (If your brother, sister, or friend says something it's probably silly, if the guy on TV says the same thing you take it seriously and believe that it's true, and give him the credit for "coming up with the brilliant idea and insight" ... same one that your sister or friend said last week.)

Doing What's Right Is Not About Reward Or Popularity

If you're doing "what's right" in the midst of those who regularly try to get out of doing the right thing, what do you expect? A parade?
They're going to at the least, dislike you, and at the worst, turn on you viciously. Those who stand up for others are not called "heroes" or "good" or "strong" when the majority of the crowd are the ones doing the bullying or manipulating, or corruption. They're called much worse, and often by those whom they trusted, who they had thought were friends.
That's why it's a "sacrifice" to stand up and keep doing the right thing, and why it takes so much strength.
It also takes a rather large amount of strength to keep checking one's motives and one's beliefs, and keeping an open mind, maintaining genuine humility; one is no longer doing "the right thing" if the motive is one's ego and stubbornness, or if it's to oppress or bully others.
Standing against the tide gets exhausting, and it never stops, and it never helps you to stand, it keeps trying to pull you under.
So you make a choice, either keep standing up, or give up and let them pull you under.
What you can do when it gets too exhausting is walk away and take a break.
But don't expect anyone who doesn't already get it to "come around' or "wake up", the tide is much too strong for most people.

Scapegoating Is The Purposeful Damaging Of A Human Being

"Scapegoating" usually begins during childhood. It's a process of methodical targeting of an individual that increases over time. An growing circle of people are encouraged to believe various negative things about a person, most of which is greatly exaggerated or completely made up. Others are encouraged to see the person in a negative light, often as  unstable, burdensome, self-centered, or aggressive. They are encouraged to treat the person poorly, and discouraged from treating them properly or giving them positive attention.

The target is nearly always a child whom a person has resentment, jealousy, or envy toward, or whom they feel guilt or shame for something they've done to them, or because they failed to protect them from someone else. Sometimes a scapegoat has been deemed a "burden" because they have chronic physical illness or disability, and sometimes it's because they're physically different in some way than the majority of the group, but neither of these are the actual reasons; the real motivation still lies in the emotional issues of others around the person.

When a new person comes into contact with the group, they are often immediately guided to believe negative things about the scapegoat, and they are usually blocked, especially at first, from getting to know the scapegoat directly, WITHOUT the influence of one of the controllers in the group, or the main controller, who makes themselves into a social "gateway" between the target person and everyone else.

New people are told in a sideways, innocent-sounding way that the person is someone not to be trusted, not to be believed, and not to be liked, not to be helped, and not to be respected, and not to be included, and this is done before others get a chance to form any kind of bond with the person, or form their own impression and opinion of the person. More distant friends and relatives are also told, and often encouraged to spread the negative beliefs about the person in their respective groups.

~~
It's a sinister, terrible, genuinely damaging thing to do to a person, especially a child, and yet it's not uncommon at all. It's done by people all the time, in families, community groups, religious groups, school, businesses, and "friendship" groups. Those who do it usually MINIMIZE IT drastically, and will deny causing any harm or damage, and then will often blame the targeted person for anything negative that's happened, ironically, apparently unaware that doing so reveals the scapegoating tactic.

Those who do it also often deny that it happens at all, or that it causes any "real damage". Since the goal of Scapegoating is to diminish a targeted human being in all ways, they will CONTINUE trying to do it when they're called out about doing it, often saying the target is "just crazy" or "oversensitive", or is really as "bad" as they said they were and therefore apparently deserve (?!) to be a Scapegoat/ bully target.
~~

Scapegoats are also usually blocked from participating in things that other children in the community are doing, and their friendships are often either sabotaged or taken over (the controlling person tries to get the friend to be closer to them than to the target.)

Scapegoats are often blocked from doing things to build their academic or work career, or projects may be directly sabotaged or stopped. The motive behind this is both an immediate "fix" feeling of control, which is the fuel for the effort, and preventing or stopping the scapegoat from achieving goals or making progress, which would build their reputation, success, and confidence, and also make them more attractive to others (in various ways). .

~~
Targets are often abused or neglected before the actual scapegoating occurs, which can be the catalyst for the targeting. It's a primitive reaction, but common; if the group destroys the credibility, reputation, and self-confidence of the victim, then the "problem" goes away, without anyone having to be accountable, and without the victim being given proper care or protection to recover (which would expose what was done to them, and also would take effort.)

When a favored person in the group was the abuser or neglector, the victim is usually scapegoated so the favored person is not held accountable. 

Only an adult person with tendencies toward control and insecurity instigates scapegoating, or allows children to do it. Those with certain mental illnesses may do it as well, often due to having very weak boundaries, or skewed perception, they may actually be misinterpreting things that the target does and says, and then "reports" these misinterpretations as complaints to others (who apparently don't check up on the reality of the situation, or who are also mentally ill so they happily believe these "reports".)

Adults can be scapegoated as well, however the damage to the person's life and wellness is usually more profound when it's done to a child since it's a direct attack on a person's sense of self, self-esteem, self-image, and feeling of belonging in the world.

~~

It's important to note that Scapegoating cannot occur in a emotionally and mentally healthy group. The high number of occurrences of it reveals a disturbing trend of mental unhealthiness in modern cultures. It's not surprising in regions that are obvious with oppressive and abusive behaviors toward certain members, but it's very common in so-called "free" and "wealthy" cultures as well, causing destruction of the culture person by person from the inside. 

 

Sexual Assault Against Boys And Men: Read About Human Issues Like This One WIth The Thinking Part Of The Brain

VERY TRUE.
VERY, VERY TRUE.
SICK that no one wants to do anything about it or talk about it in a real way.
The main reason behind the STIGMA for both girls and boys who are sexually assaulted (and adults as well) is because so many people want to protect the perpetrator.
WHY? Another messed up societal creepshow, aside from the fact that "bullies protect bullies", it's because of the way perpetrators get treated by others, horribly, and also because people will attack the entire family of a perpetrator as well.
If you didn't know it, you do now, even victims will protect perpetrators from the way people are in the society around them, and they know they're protecting themselves as well from the horror show when they stay silent.
SICK AIN"T IT! BLAME EVERYONE, because it's EVERYONE'S FAULT. .
If you've never seen it for yourself, you should keep your trap shut and your eyes and ears OPEN.
Either the victim gets DESTROYED by the people around them, OR the perpetrator gets DESTROYED.
BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT HUMANS DO NOT COMPREHEND THEIR OWN MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ISSUES, AND LOVE TO DENY THAT THEY HAVE ANY, they attack and destroy other people instead,
BOTH perpetrators and victims.
And that "destroy one or the other" crap includes A LOT of people who are supposed to be working in a protective, caregiving, humanitarian "professional" capacity.
Can't DO ANYTHING, or TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, without DESTROYING someone. (Apparently destroying another person indicates righteousness in those doing the destroying....? ...? Pretty sick all by itself.)
Those who molest children have a mental illness, period. There's nothing to argue about. So OBVIOUSLY they need treatment. Apparently this is WAY TOO HARD for most people to understand, but they want all the OTHER emotional and mental issues that result in SERIOUS HARM TO OTHERS to be "OKAY", no one should EVER TALK ABOUT how much DAMAGE those OTHER little sick behaviors cause, like doing illegal drugs with your buddies when there are children in the home. (OH we would never do that....!!!!) (OH we do it in the basement, he's upstairs asleep! That' makes it all okay, there are no consequences whatsoever to the child!)
Or how about just straight up ABUSE?! That's apparently not HORRIFIC because it's not sexual???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

HOW did humans even survive for this many millennia?!?

SO MANY PEOPLE blame the VICTIM, and then SCAPEGOAT VICTIMS, and BULLY VICTIMS, because no one wants to be BLAMED for not protecting them and not caring for them... SORRY there's NO MORE TOLERANCE for hearing any more B.S. about how "OH SO HORRIFIED" people are at perpetrators. SORRY NOT BUYING IT, B.S ALERT!!

So go rescue some victims off the street, the ones who are only there because of what happened to them if you're so OFFENDED! Sure you are.
Or how about NOT TREATING VICTIMS LIKE THEY'RE CRAZY OR STUPID IN YOUR OWN COMMUNITY OR FAMILY!
OR PRACTICE! OR CLASSROOM!
Ohhhhh... that never occurred to me, boss!!!


(And don't even go there if you're one of the ADDICTS on the internet who just HAS TO FLIP OUT even though they don't know what they're talking about, because it SEEMS LIKE an OPPORTUNITY TO BE HISTRIONIC OR PSYCHO OR MEAN, or if you're thinking of doing that asinine "I'm OFFENDED" thing about this one because your ego feels snapped. You might want to GO BACK AND READ IT AGAIN with the comprehension side of your brain.)

Red Flag: Including Themselves, But Excluding You

Flag for Narcissism, or Narcissistic leanings:
Including themselves with anyone whom you're connected with, but excluding you from their own "connections". Including family.
They make sure to be connected with those who are your friends or relatives. They include themselves as part of your "WE" and "US" with nearly anyone whom you are affiliated with, especially with anyone they LIKE or admire, are attracted to, or see as "important".
But they exclude you from THEIR personal connections.
This is related to codependency.
The person will reveal this both in language and action.
They will refer to others as people they are exclusively connected to, such as "my friend Diane", even if you have known Diane for fifteen years.
They will refer to relatives as "my brother Steve" even if Steve is your uncle.
(It won't be "Uncle Steve", or "Steve", or "Your Uncle Steve", it will be "MY brother, Steve".)
Some will even refer to their children as "my daughter Susan" or "my son John" while talking to ANOTHER one of their children. This is especially disturbing when the child they are speaking TO is a stepchild or an adopted child.
They will often invite only certain relatives to family functions or even big gatherings, but exclude others, JUST to try to control and influence who is included in "the group" and who isn't. Controllers will often do this to try to CREATE a certain Clique-version of the family that only includes certain members, exactly like clique-making children in school.
NOT because someone often acts out and makes a scene at gatherings, NOT because someone has done something heinous, and NOT because someone has repeatedly done and said hurtful things to them, but JUST to be in control.
(Self-righteous pontificating and rationalizing can often be heard in "defense" of this behavior.)
~In fact, they are MUCH more likely to exclude people who THEY have done mean, cruel, or manipulative things TO, and very often those who have been scapegoated by the family.
(In other words, the abusive relative will often get invited and included but not the child they neglected or abused. Just like bullies and cliques in school. And just like a true bully/Narcissist, the abusive relative will NOT question why the child was not included, nor stand up for the child, or whoever the person was who was obviously excluded; their partner or other relative. Narcissistic people LIKE IT when they get included but someone who they're associated with gets excluded, or disrespected.)
~
Facebook is a prime place for this behavior to show. They will "friend" friends (or relatives) of yours whom they have perhaps met once, or never met at all, which is not all by itself weird, it's common on FB.
But the OTHER side of this coin is what makes it Narcissistic, they act like it's weird when you friend THEIR friends or relatives. They could friend 20 people from your friends list in a row, but when you friend someone from their friends' list, they might say something like "How do you know so and so?"
Narcissistic people, especially if they have codependency or enmeshment issues, tend to want to be the "HUB" of relationships between people they know, so they can keep an eye on them, control them, and orchestrate them, and so they'll always be connected and never get left out, kicked out, scapegated, or bad-mouthed behind their backs.
(Since THEY do all those things to others (and usually so do many of their "friends"), they are always making sure they aren't a victim of the same maltreatment.)
Also, if you do try to friend some of their friends, you might find that they have a lot of "friends" who are also Narcissistic, so they won't accept your friend request, even if they know you are their spouse, child, or close friend.
This is also a flag for infidelity. If your partner has several friends of the opposite sex who seem to be cold-shouldering you, (or the same sex for homosexual couples obviously), then you have to wonder what that's all about.
REAL friends, and healthy family members (excluding kids) don't cold-shoulder a partner or spouse of their friend or family member, OR someone's child, or a child in their family, unless there's a very real reason for it, and that isn't based on rumors or hearsay. Whether it's in real life or on Facebook. Especially if there is no negative history with the person.
This behavior is evidence of many things, and it could be just that the person doing the cold-shouldering is mentally ill or is a drug-user.
But it's more often due to slander and rumor-spreading, or infidelity.
Either someone has been smearing the spouse, partner, or child's reputation, and there are a lot of gossip-believers and drama-mongers in the group, or the partner or spouse is cheating, so of course those he or she is cheating with, or flirting with, won't want to "friend" their partner, child, or close friend.
It can ALSO be in many cases, that those "friends" are very immature and they themselves want to "OWN" the person, they may have codependency/control issues themselves, or they may have a crush on the person, or are stalking them, so of course they would not want to include the person's partner, child, or close friend in anything.
The latter is very common in the entertainment business, whatever the genre. Groupies don't want their crush to have a partner at all, (remember being 11 or 12ish and having a crush on some music star? He or she was not supposed to have a spouse or partner, by gosh! You were the "one"! Lol) never mind want to include or acknowledge the partner. And those groupies CAN EASILY be real-life friends of the person that they've known for a long time. They're still 12.

Judgmental, Critical, Superior Attitudes Are Usually Learned

Frequently implying that something has been done that's "wrong" or "shameful" or that someone should be "ashamed of" can be a conscious control tactic, done completely on purpose.

(Whooooo left the hall light on.... Whyyyyyy is there no milk... Wheeeerrree were you... Whaaaatttt are you doing.....Whyyyy are you doing that...) 

But it's more likely to be a learned behavior from childhood.
Children who may have maturation issues, developmental delay issues, possibly from a dysfunctional or abusive environment, may be more likely to more closely mimic behaviors of specific adults or older children around them, in an attempt to fit in with the group and develop an identity that the group will accept.

So little Shauna mimics Aunt Sarah's judgmental attitude, pointing out "flaws" and "mistakes" and "failings" in others, projecting motives and negative traits onto them, because she's literally just trying to be like her. Shauna, being a child, thinks Aunt Sarah is an important person in the group, because Aunt Sarah presents herself that way, being "above" others. And since Aunt Sarah pays attention to Shauna, she admires her and tries to be like her.

So when Shauna grows up, one of her main role models was Aunt Sarah, and she continues to act that way with little or no concept that there's anything "wrong" with it. She has been positively reinforced that the behavior is effective, because she seems to be able to get what she needs and get things done, and it makes her feel important (like Aunt Sarah). Other people seem to respond to it by doing what Shauna wants them to do, and that looks a lot like importance as well.

 So without much guidance AWAY from that behavior by other adults, (possibly because no one else was paying attention to her), Shauna doesn't even really grasp that the behavior is controlling or negative, she just thinks it's being "a grown up who gets things done" or "who is important", and "who knows what she's talking about". Like Aunt Sarah.

Shauna's sister Jody, on the other hand, also picked up this behavior, but not from so much admiration toward Aunt Sarah. She picked it up inadvertently as part of the group dynamic, the behaviors that are accepted and allowed by the group, that several members do in varying degrees. Jody does not approve of Aunt Sarah's or Shauna's attitude or behavior, and she's unaware that she's picked it up too, to a lesser degree.

Everyone compares themselves to one another in order to judge their own behavior and attitudes, so compared to Aunt Sarah, Shauna is "nice". Compared to Aunt Sarah and Shauna, Jody is a "saint". But if one goes far outside their system (like to another region), they all seem like very controlling ,very nasty people, it's hard to tell one from the other.

However to those within the system, in the region or group, Jody is "sweet as pie", Shauna is "responsible" and a "go getter", and Aunt Sarah is a "pillar of the community" to some (and a mean gossip to others).

Luke, Shauna's brother, does the same thing with their Grandfather, Grandpa Leo, who happens to be Aunt Sarah's brother. He pays attention to Luke (but not to Sarah or Jody), and he acts very confident and knowledgeable, and strong, so Luke wants to emulate him. He wants to be just like him.

Luke's Grandpa Leo also happens to have a similar attitude to Aunt Sarah's, not strange since they came from the same family. He doesn't get away with open 'gossip' because he's a man, so instead he criticizes everything and everyone as if they are all stupid or lazy, or crazy. Bossing people around is something he's always been allowed to do as well in the group, and he likes to condescend, it makes him feel smart and knowledgeable (just like his own Uncle Mike had done).

He also likes to make little groups of certain men and boys, just like his own Uncle Mike had done when he was young, excluding girls, women, and men whom he knows would not go along with it.

Within the cloistered zone of these little exclusive groups of like-minded men, they DO gossip about others, just like Aunt Sarah does, talking about how this guy down the street is a pansy, and that guy at work is a slob, and the woman up the street is crazy, and this other woman at work is a "hot babe" but "too bad she's a know-it-all" and "doesn't know her place". Etc, etc. This gossip factory looks a little different, but it's the same one as Aunt Sarah's, and the same one that they were exposed to as children. The boys who have been included in the group think they've been inducted into an important, grown-up club, but really they're being taught to have the same judgmental, insecure, finger-pointing, superiority mind-set.

So Luke grows up with a lot of his grandfather's perceptions and behaviors, and like his sister Shauna, he doesn't realize there's anything negative or wrong about them. Shauna has been told that when others don't go along with her or like her it's because they're envious, childish, and rebellious, and Luke has been told that others who don't go along with him or admire him are jealous, weak, and illogical.

Gossips and controllers like their Grandpa Leo or their Aunt Sarah usually create "exclusive" groups so no one can thwart their agenda, or be a positive, fair-minded, ethical influence on people within the group. These "exclusive" groups might be very small, like little cells within a family or community group, or they can be larger and larger, and still larger, all the way up to a national governmental or political group. Anyone who doesn't or wouldn't go along or agree with their agenda is unwelcome, rejected, even despised.

Healthy groups (any type, from religious to political to social to scientific) aren't exclusive, and don't reject those who are not in 100% agreement.




  

Gossip About Children, Sons, Daughters

It's not normal for a parent to gossip about their child with their friends, their partner, other relatives, or their other children.
It's also quite unhealthy to gossip about other people's children, relatives or not.

"He is such a loser, he just takes advantage, he's lazy and shiftless. All he does is sit on the computer. He SAYS he's 'writing' and 'working on a project', yeah sure. Show me the money. He's just trying to get out of working. Eats constantly, like a vacuum cleaner. He has no clue about life! He doesn't even watch Football with the other guys."

Adults who have such a habit are prone to surrounding themselves with other adults who do this too, OR with adults who are happy to scapegoat other people's children, but who put their own on a Pedestal.

A parent with Narcissism will typically either bad-mouth their own child, OR put their own child high above others.

Often, they will bad-mouth one child to others, and put another up on a pedestal.

Narcissistic parents (and uncles, aunts, and others) often create a dynamic of triangulation, suspicion, envy, resentment, shame, aggression, frustration, and dependency in their family. Some members are the "good people" and others are the "losers", at least today.

Next month or next year, who is in the "good club" and who gets left out and scapegoated might change, not according to who is actually "doing well" or "being a good person", but instead who is playing the GAME. Who is kissing who's behind, who is pretending to go along so they don't get targeted anymore, and who has stood up to someone's control or manipulation, or who has stood up for someone else against disrespect. (The latter two would be the ones who get transferred to the "we don't like them anymore" group). 

Other groups of adults who are charged with caring for, mentoring, or teaching children are also vulnerable to Narcissists within their ranks, instigating judgment, gossip, favoritism and rejection toward the children who are supposed be protected and supported.

It's NOT "normal" for adults to gossip about children, nor is it for people to gossip about grown children. VENTING is not gossiping. Seeking advice or support from non-judgmental friends or relatives is not gossiping.
Spreading negative implications or rumors, telling tales, casting judgments, and name-calling behind a person's back IS "gossiping", and is also slander when the gossip damages a person's reputation in the family or community. (When the rumors, namecalling, exaggerating, and false stories makes people think less of the person.)

The difference sounds something like this:

Venting: "I get so frustrated when my daughter turns all the lights on and doesn't shut them off, and leaves the TV on too, it's running up the electric bill. She shuts them off when I tell her to, with an attitude, but then she leaves them on again."
(Friends' response): "I hear you, my son does the same thing. I guess it's because they don't grasp about the cost of utilities yet. I wonder if involving them in the household budget would help."

Gossip/bad-mouthing: "My daughter is such a little princess, she's so spoiled, she thinks she lives in a palace, she thinks I'm her maid. Every time I turn around there are more lights left on, she doesn't care at all. She's such a little snip. I can't wait till she has to pay her own bills, she'll be crying for her Daddy and Mommy then."
(Gossipy friend's response): "You poor thing, that brat must drive you up the wall. I don't know HOW you do it. She must get that Royal Attitude from your husband's side."

Nope, definitely not normal or healthy. Children, both young and grown, who get gossiped and slandered by their own parents, relatives, and "friends of the family" OFTEN end up with emotional difficulties or even temporary mental illnesses from the extremely hurtful and confusing ill treatment, cold-shouldering, and ostracism by groups of people (who are supposed to be their caregivers) who participate in the gossip. They also OFTEN end up with many "real life" difficulties as a direct result of the way those around them treat them. Narcissistic adults DON'T mentor targeted children, they DON'T support them academically, socially, or materially (like non-Narcissistic adults would), and they cause "doors" (opportunities) to be CLOSED instead of OPENED for both young and grown children.
So while children who have been supported by non-Narcissistic adults are happily looking forward to the next opportunity and making the most of the current ones, children (both young and grown) who have been targeted by Narcissistic adults are trying to regain a sense of self, and sense of solid ground under their feet.

Gossipers triangulators usually got a head start during childhood, the habit is often passed down from an adult (or a group of them) somewhere along the line. It's mainly a way to give one's self a sense of false confidence and belonging, or to create a way to control others so they don't leave or so they do one's bidding. But sometimes, for some people, it's just about destruction, manipulation, and domination. 

 Many gossipers and slanderers appear to have some level of delusional thinking or paranoia. 

Red Flag: Causing Harm To Animals

Red Flag for Sociopathy
(Not necessarily for classic Narcissism, but it can go together)

Having a lack of remorse about injuring or killing animals, either wild or domestic, or for polluting the environment.

An absence of empathy for animals who are in pain or sick.

Getting an apparent charge from damaging or killing living things (including plant life).

Sociopaths often cover this up by announcing that they're ridding the environment of pests, and it seems to work on most people, since so many humans are fearful of different types of animals. But there's a difference between exterminating termites that are destroying a house, and poisoning birds because they're supposedly "annoying".  

There's a huge difference between an invasive, large rat population, and some field rats and mice in the back of a yard.

Big difference between a population of rattlesnakes near a school, and black racers (who aren't poisonous and eat rats) that live nearby.

Parents who are sociopaths tend not to teach their children empathy toward animals either, nor respect toward them. They tend to expose their children to acts of cruelty and abuse toward animals.

For example a non-sociopath who takes their daughter fishing would automatically teach and model about being very careful not to cause injury to a fish, and how to deal with the feeling of remorse when a fish does get injured, which ones are to keep, and how to "clean" them without making them suffer, and also what the POINT of fishing is, the reason for it.  

A sociopath (or very immature) parent who takes their daughter fishing may get a CHARGE out of their daughter's reactions to everything, and try to scare her or "gross her out". If she doesn't react the way they want her to (she doesn't get scared or grossed out), they'll likely try HARDER, perhaps by purposely injuring fish they catch, or torturing small animals to use for "bait", or feigning pushing her off the dock or the boat, or they'll get bored. If they also have classic Narcissism as well, they might get annoyed with her, like she's doing something "wrong" by not reacting, and they'll probably drone on and on about their "knowledge" and "skill", probably keep "disciplining" her every move, and they're also likely to compete with her in number of fish caught or sizes of fish caught (even if she's five years old). 

They won't be teaching much, if anything, about the balance of nature, respect for the wildlife and environment, respect for the fish, care or empathy for the fish, careful treatment of fish both released or kept, or WHY fishing is done.

Hunting is the same way, there is responsible hunting and there is irresponsible hunting. If one does not understand the difference, it's likely because they have not been exposed to responsible hunting. When a person with functioning empathy grows up seeing sociopathic and immature "hunters", it's understandable that one would believe hunting to be simply a sick, Narcissistic activity. Because sociopaths and Narcissists who "hunt" are usually doing it for reasons of Hubris and Ego, showing off, fitting in with a clique, (or just a sick fascination with snuffing out life or causing injury), and don't have any respect or care for animals, or for other human beings (especially for those who aren't in their clique).

~
~
Sociopaths have no problem putting pets "to sleep", they'll even often do that BEFORE exploring any caregiving options.
Just like using the excuse of "eradicating vermin" when killing random wildlife, they'll also use the excuse of "stopping the suffering" for euthanasia.

Again, very big difference between a cat or a dog who is ACTUALLY suffering and has no hope of a life not wracked by pain, or who is ACTUALLY "terminal" and will suffer horribly until death, and a cat or a dog who needs care that will cost money or take some effort or time.

Sociopaths tend to see their pets as objects, like cars, not like living creatures like others do. So when the car isn't new and pretty anymore, or if it needs work, you trade it in, you don't "waste money and time fixing it".

This unfortunately can include "professional" pet caregivers.  Veterinarians or technicians, a pet store owner or employee, or an Animal Control officer, or a farmer, zoo workers, or staff or officers of Animal Rescue organizations can be sociopaths just as easily as anyone else.
Being a sociopath would not STOP them from seeking such jobs or careers; their motives for doing things are not the same as those with functioning empathy. Which is one of the reasons they so often fly under the radar. (Who would imagine a Veterinarian to have a lack of empathy for animals? Would would even speculate? But think about Teachers who did NOT become Teachers because they love children.)

What (Or Who) Is The Focus In Your Community

The more disordered and dysfunctional a group or community is in general, the more the focus is on individuals in the group, for good or for ill, (who does what, who did what, who didn't do what, "who is who") and the less on objective information, progress, problem-solving, and cooperation.

Everything becomes about who's idea something is, and who gets credit, and who is wonderful, and who we don't like, and exactly what everyone is doing, and where they are, and what they're wearing, and how much money they have or don't have, and who they're friends with, and what they look like.

The focus in the group becomes more and more SUBJECTIVE, PERSONAL, GAIN-DRIVEN, MICRO-JUDGEMENTAL, and PARANOID, and less and less OBJECTIVE, GOAL-ORIENTED, CIVIL, POLITE, HELPFUL, and NON-JUDGMENTAL