"A positive goal is important with all clients, of course, but especially with angry clients, who often mistakenly set only the negative goal of being less angry. I explained to Devron that only setting a negative goal like quitting being angry was like deciding that a car that currently could only go in reverse would be just fine if you could get it to stay in neutral. The idea is to move forward in life, to get that car moving ahead. Of course this same idea applies to only quitting drinking (instead of leading a sober lifestyle) or stopping being critical (instead of giving praise).
Get Off The College Degree Prejudice
The English Suffix -ology or '''-logy''' denotes a field of study or academic discipline, and '''-ologist''' describes a person who studies that field.
Psychology is the STUDY OF mental processes in living creatures. A person who is a psychologist does not necessarily do all, or any, of the things that are commonly thought of, they don't have to be a counselor. They don't have to be doing anything at all professionally, and their studies, just like any other studies, do not have to follow certain "guidelines". In order to get certain DEGREES or CERTIFICATES in the field of PSYCHOLOGY, one must complete the required courses that go with that degree.
A musician for example, in this free country, can study music in any way they choose. They don't have to have a certain degree to be considered a "real musician". No one is going to tell them to stop studying music unless they do it in the "traditional" way that makes everyone else feel comfortable. Well maybe some people will... But LEARNING ABOUT MUSIC and playing it, and writing it, does not require that one attends Berklee, or that one actually graduates.
One does not have to go to Johnson and Wales, or France, to learn how to cook, or graduate MIT to become a software designer. There are many, many programmers who learned completely on their own, or had a little bit of schooling.
This society is now obsessed with degrees and certificates. A 24 year old with a business degree, and zero work experience, will be hired to manage groups of employees who have a huge amount of experience, and would often be much more efficient and successful in the managerial position.
We need to STOP this obsession and prejudice with degrees. If someone studies something, they are an ---ologist. If they get their degree, then they have acquired a degree in that subject as well. They are not "obsessed" with a subject just because they did not graduate Columbia or Brown with a Master's, it is THEIR path, THEIR interest, THEIR passion.
So unless you want to be told to put down your guitar because someone else doesn't think you should be learning music without going to Berklee, or playing it, or writing it; Or your ratchet set because you didn't get your mechanic certificate; Or your binoculars and camera because you didn't get a degree in Ornithology, or your spatula because you didn't graduate Johnson and Wales, then stop trying to tell other people what they should and should not be interested in, or studying, or writing and talking about.
List of "ologies" :
http://chemistry.about.com/od/mathsciencefundamentals/a/ologylist.htm
Men and Women, Communication
Talking TO another person is worlds apart from talking AT another person. We talk TO whom we respect, and we tend to talk AT whom we don't. The person on the receiving end knows the difference.
Hostile Environment
Hostile Environments are created by the members of the group, when members of the group feel that they possess superior traits, and bond on these supposedly superior traits. Anyone who enters the group, whether it's a small friendship group, a class, a family group, or a workplace, who does not share this "superior trait", will often be treated unkindly, coldly, and with disdain. (Like a 'dirty peasant' who doesn't "belong" in the Royal Courtyard).
You may well be creating a "hostile environment" if you belong to a group of people who have come together based on superficial traits, and if you and your group hold pride in these traits. For example, a Women's History class that is made up of all women, and is led by a female professor, can easily create a hostile environment toward male students. If their focus on the subject is objective and straightforward, then the class may be safe, and all students can learn and participate without feeling like an "outsider". But if the women plug this into their personal egos and identities, and make it about themselves, bonding with each other on their femaleness, "Men Can't Get This, Only We Get This", they are probably creating a hostile environment toward males, AND toward any females who refuse to participate in the "us against them" games. (Women's History is not FOR women, it is HUMAN HISTORY that pertains to everyone, and is FOR everyone.) Such a hostile environment will perpetuate itself; most male students will feel uncomfortable, and drop the class, or not take it in the first place when the atmosphere of the class is talked about. Therefore there will be few men in the class. Not because men "can't get it", or "can't learn it", but because of the hostile environment.
Any group can do this~ groups based on ethnic identity; "WE" are the "good people" and "They" are the "bad people", "dumb people", "racist people", "arrogant people"~ members of the group are not intellectually able to see themselves or others as individuals. Groups based on Political Parties are very common as well.
Groups based on their age~ teens of all generations do this. "We" understand things that the "older people" don't GET, man! (Remember that?) But older adults do this as well. Of course, these older adults were often the same people who did this as teens. They just change the thing they have in common with the other people they have grouped themselves with. (Baby boomers, for example.) "We" get stuff that no one else gets, man!
Groups based on gender are the most common. People will often believe that another person, whom they know NOTHING about, has similar skills, life experience, knowledge, and interests all because they are the same gender as themselves. Or that the person will automatically bond with them, or be on their "side" against the opposite sex. This creates very hostile environments, separation, division, resentment, and halts productivity and progress.
Like the Women's History class mentioned previously, if for example there is an Advanced Math class, and the professor is a male who has it in his head that males are better at math than females, and there are male students in the class that want to echo his sentiments, (the ego desire to "own" knowledge), then that class will probably be a Hostile Environment toward female students. Not only will there be few females in the class because of this obvious vibe, so the female students will feel exposed and unprotected, but also the male professor will do all kinds of subtle things to avoid acknowledging the female student as a "Real Member" of the group. Any male students who engage in this behavior will NOT be corrected by this professor, he will allow it to happen, pretend he doesn't notice it, turn away when it happens instead of addressing the problem. It is a matter not just of direct bullying by the professor, but of laying down a red carpet for anyone else who desires to display hostility toward the female student.
Hostile Environments are created by those who have ego-identity issues, who desire to be a member of an "elite" group. Those who try to work and learn in such an environment are often sabotaged to the extent that they cannot complete tasks or achieve their goals, which is of course the goal of the members of the group. (Then the group members will say "See, he/she couldn't do it because he/she is not one of us.")
You may well be creating a "hostile environment" if you belong to a group of people who have come together based on superficial traits, and if you and your group hold pride in these traits. For example, a Women's History class that is made up of all women, and is led by a female professor, can easily create a hostile environment toward male students. If their focus on the subject is objective and straightforward, then the class may be safe, and all students can learn and participate without feeling like an "outsider". But if the women plug this into their personal egos and identities, and make it about themselves, bonding with each other on their femaleness, "Men Can't Get This, Only We Get This", they are probably creating a hostile environment toward males, AND toward any females who refuse to participate in the "us against them" games. (Women's History is not FOR women, it is HUMAN HISTORY that pertains to everyone, and is FOR everyone.) Such a hostile environment will perpetuate itself; most male students will feel uncomfortable, and drop the class, or not take it in the first place when the atmosphere of the class is talked about. Therefore there will be few men in the class. Not because men "can't get it", or "can't learn it", but because of the hostile environment.
Any group can do this~ groups based on ethnic identity; "WE" are the "good people" and "They" are the "bad people", "dumb people", "racist people", "arrogant people"~ members of the group are not intellectually able to see themselves or others as individuals. Groups based on Political Parties are very common as well.
Groups based on their age~ teens of all generations do this. "We" understand things that the "older people" don't GET, man! (Remember that?) But older adults do this as well. Of course, these older adults were often the same people who did this as teens. They just change the thing they have in common with the other people they have grouped themselves with. (Baby boomers, for example.) "We" get stuff that no one else gets, man!
Groups based on gender are the most common. People will often believe that another person, whom they know NOTHING about, has similar skills, life experience, knowledge, and interests all because they are the same gender as themselves. Or that the person will automatically bond with them, or be on their "side" against the opposite sex. This creates very hostile environments, separation, division, resentment, and halts productivity and progress.
Like the Women's History class mentioned previously, if for example there is an Advanced Math class, and the professor is a male who has it in his head that males are better at math than females, and there are male students in the class that want to echo his sentiments, (the ego desire to "own" knowledge), then that class will probably be a Hostile Environment toward female students. Not only will there be few females in the class because of this obvious vibe, so the female students will feel exposed and unprotected, but also the male professor will do all kinds of subtle things to avoid acknowledging the female student as a "Real Member" of the group. Any male students who engage in this behavior will NOT be corrected by this professor, he will allow it to happen, pretend he doesn't notice it, turn away when it happens instead of addressing the problem. It is a matter not just of direct bullying by the professor, but of laying down a red carpet for anyone else who desires to display hostility toward the female student.
Hostile Environments are created by those who have ego-identity issues, who desire to be a member of an "elite" group. Those who try to work and learn in such an environment are often sabotaged to the extent that they cannot complete tasks or achieve their goals, which is of course the goal of the members of the group. (Then the group members will say "See, he/she couldn't do it because he/she is not one of us.")
Ego, Memory Lapse, and Ownership
An intriguing, and also often aggravating, thing that some people do on a regular basis is claiming ownership of ideas, knowledge, and things.
A very common example is when a person learns how to do something, and then treats others as if they are stupid or ignorant because they have not learned how to do that yet. As if the knowledge they have...
acquired is innate, they were born knowing it.
People who do this also tend to do something else: they want to be the "One Who Knows", as if the knowledge is a solid object that only one person can own. They will often treat certain others as if they do NOT KNOW what THEY know~ they couldn't possibly... (If they know how to run a machine, you don't. Because in their minds, the knowledge to run the machine is like a stone held in your hand. Only one person can hold a stone. If they are holding it, you can't be holding it.)
I have run into this on a regular basis in the building trades. It looks like sexism, and it is to some extent, but it's not really about that. It's about the individual's ego. "I know something that makes me special" or "I know something that proves I am one of the Men" is very common, and obviously an issue from childhood that was not grown out of. "Masculine knowledge" does not exist in reality; all knowledge can be learned by anyone who wants to learn it. But the sexism is just a symptom; the men who keep trying to prove that a woman does not know what they know ALSO do this to other men, based on any kind of superiority/inferiority issue.
As a personal example, probably the most poignant one I can remember was: a male friend who does manual labor for carpenters part time (he has a full time office job) explained to me for literally 2 hours how he dug holes for footings of a deck, and how much work that was, how much dirt was moved, and how it takes a long time, how difficult, what it was for, etc etc etc, (something he had done the previous summer), and how NO ONE UNDERSTOOD HOW MUCH WORK IT WAS. Why was that poignant? Because he was telling ME all this, as if I had no idea about digging footings, or building decks. That same day I had LITERALLY left work, taken a shower and drove out to meet him~ the shower was to wash off dirt and sweat from DIGGING FOOTING HOLES all day, manually; it was the fourth day of it; I had to dig them manually because of the location, and they had to be extra deep, and the dirt had to be moved up a hill... for MY CONTRACTING BUSINESS. My friend actually interrupted, dismissed, and ignored me every single time I started to explain that yes, I could relate to the difficulty of digging footing holes...
Another glaring example: One day my partner, my employee and I were looking at a kitchen remodel, where the closet wall had to be reconfigured. I assessed it and explained in detail what I thought we needed to do to achieve the goal. The two men were silent until I finished. My partner then proceeded to repeat exactly what I had just said, nearly word for word, explaining it as if he had thought of it completely himself. My employee just stared in surprise~ I said "That's what I just said" my partner said "No you didn't~" my employee said "YES, she DID." That kind of thing happened OFTEN, with lots of different people, in various scenarios.
There are plenty of women who do this as well, especially with things that bolster their identity as a "Woman", just like when men do it. If one of these women knows a recipe, she often convinces herself, and everyone else, that she is the only one who can make that dish, or make it well. This woman often is the "only one who knows how to do the laundry", as if this knowledge is innate. Exactly like the man who believe they are the "only one who knows how to use the chopsaw". This woman is also the Authority On Child Rearing, she is the Only One who know how to wash a baby, how to make bottles, how to hold a baby, how to dress a child, how to discipline a child. How to make a bed. How to vacuum, how to mop, how to fold towels, how to do secretarial tasks. Anything that she knows how to do, especially if it can be labeled "Feminine", she is the authority, and she will condescend to women when she can get away with it. Exactly like this same man will condescend to other men when they can get away with it.
They seem to completely forget LEARNING how to do things. They were simply born knowing everything they know, and they would rather not have someone else share this knowledge.
You can also see this same behavior with THINGS. with many of these same people. If they receive something they like as a gift from you, they often convince themselves that they are the one who acquired the thing all on their own. Sometimes they will even invent a story about acquiring it. If you let them borrow or use your equipment, they often come to believe that it belongs to THEM. They simply forget or delete that the thing is yours. (How many CDs have you lost to this?) I have lost thousands of dollars of tools and equipment over the years to this.
I have also lent things to others who not only decided that it was their own, but "forgot" that I was the one who showed them the thing in the first place, and even that I had any interest or experience in the subject. They completely convinced themselves that they were the one who discovered whatever the interest was, and then proceeded to behave toward me as if I had no knowledge, interest, or experience in the subject at all. They literally have to "Own" EVERYTHING that is in their possession, or in their heads, and they seem to completely delete anything that is related to you giving them the thing, or you doing the thing, or you knowing about the thing.
These men and women will DELETE anything that shows what they believe isn't right in their heads. BOTH men and women who do this also go along very much with gender roles and sexist sabotage; it makes it much easier for them to "Own" knowledge and things in their fantasies. BOTH males and females will dismiss men who are regular cooks in the home, who are the main child-caregiver, male nurses, stay-at-home-fathers, etc, and will dismiss female auto mechanics, politicians, doctors, carpenters, engineers. If something has a "male" or "female" connotation to it in their heads, they will dismiss a person who is not the right sex, and will deny that they could POSSIBLY have any "real" knowledge, skill or experience.
People who do this also tend to do something else: they want to be the "One Who Knows", as if the knowledge is a solid object that only one person can own. They will often treat certain others as if they do NOT KNOW what THEY know~ they couldn't possibly... (If they know how to run a machine, you don't. Because in their minds, the knowledge to run the machine is like a stone held in your hand. Only one person can hold a stone. If they are holding it, you can't be holding it.)
I have run into this on a regular basis in the building trades. It looks like sexism, and it is to some extent, but it's not really about that. It's about the individual's ego. "I know something that makes me special" or "I know something that proves I am one of the Men" is very common, and obviously an issue from childhood that was not grown out of. "Masculine knowledge" does not exist in reality; all knowledge can be learned by anyone who wants to learn it. But the sexism is just a symptom; the men who keep trying to prove that a woman does not know what they know ALSO do this to other men, based on any kind of superiority/inferiority issue.
As a personal example, probably the most poignant one I can remember was: a male friend who does manual labor for carpenters part time (he has a full time office job) explained to me for literally 2 hours how he dug holes for footings of a deck, and how much work that was, how much dirt was moved, and how it takes a long time, how difficult, what it was for, etc etc etc, (something he had done the previous summer), and how NO ONE UNDERSTOOD HOW MUCH WORK IT WAS. Why was that poignant? Because he was telling ME all this, as if I had no idea about digging footings, or building decks. That same day I had LITERALLY left work, taken a shower and drove out to meet him~ the shower was to wash off dirt and sweat from DIGGING FOOTING HOLES all day, manually; it was the fourth day of it; I had to dig them manually because of the location, and they had to be extra deep, and the dirt had to be moved up a hill... for MY CONTRACTING BUSINESS. My friend actually interrupted, dismissed, and ignored me every single time I started to explain that yes, I could relate to the difficulty of digging footing holes...
Another glaring example: One day my partner, my employee and I were looking at a kitchen remodel, where the closet wall had to be reconfigured. I assessed it and explained in detail what I thought we needed to do to achieve the goal. The two men were silent until I finished. My partner then proceeded to repeat exactly what I had just said, nearly word for word, explaining it as if he had thought of it completely himself. My employee just stared in surprise~ I said "That's what I just said" my partner said "No you didn't~" my employee said "YES, she DID." That kind of thing happened OFTEN, with lots of different people, in various scenarios.
There are plenty of women who do this as well, especially with things that bolster their identity as a "Woman", just like when men do it. If one of these women knows a recipe, she often convinces herself, and everyone else, that she is the only one who can make that dish, or make it well. This woman often is the "only one who knows how to do the laundry", as if this knowledge is innate. Exactly like the man who believe they are the "only one who knows how to use the chopsaw". This woman is also the Authority On Child Rearing, she is the Only One who know how to wash a baby, how to make bottles, how to hold a baby, how to dress a child, how to discipline a child. How to make a bed. How to vacuum, how to mop, how to fold towels, how to do secretarial tasks. Anything that she knows how to do, especially if it can be labeled "Feminine", she is the authority, and she will condescend to women when she can get away with it. Exactly like this same man will condescend to other men when they can get away with it.
They seem to completely forget LEARNING how to do things. They were simply born knowing everything they know, and they would rather not have someone else share this knowledge.
You can also see this same behavior with THINGS. with many of these same people. If they receive something they like as a gift from you, they often convince themselves that they are the one who acquired the thing all on their own. Sometimes they will even invent a story about acquiring it. If you let them borrow or use your equipment, they often come to believe that it belongs to THEM. They simply forget or delete that the thing is yours. (How many CDs have you lost to this?) I have lost thousands of dollars of tools and equipment over the years to this.
I have also lent things to others who not only decided that it was their own, but "forgot" that I was the one who showed them the thing in the first place, and even that I had any interest or experience in the subject. They completely convinced themselves that they were the one who discovered whatever the interest was, and then proceeded to behave toward me as if I had no knowledge, interest, or experience in the subject at all. They literally have to "Own" EVERYTHING that is in their possession, or in their heads, and they seem to completely delete anything that is related to you giving them the thing, or you doing the thing, or you knowing about the thing.
These men and women will DELETE anything that shows what they believe isn't right in their heads. BOTH men and women who do this also go along very much with gender roles and sexist sabotage; it makes it much easier for them to "Own" knowledge and things in their fantasies. BOTH males and females will dismiss men who are regular cooks in the home, who are the main child-caregiver, male nurses, stay-at-home-fathers, etc, and will dismiss female auto mechanics, politicians, doctors, carpenters, engineers. If something has a "male" or "female" connotation to it in their heads, they will dismiss a person who is not the right sex, and will deny that they could POSSIBLY have any "real" knowledge, skill or experience.
Abundant Universe
Just for today give up the fear of competition. We can all share in the dream of abundance when we choose integrity, honor and respect as the terms for constructing our future.
~Edie Britt
An Honor And A Privilege
One of the biggest problems many people have with relationships, be they friend, family, or romantic, is that they believe that the other person HAS to stay with them. Taking relationships with others for granted is a symptom of Entitlement, much like when one believes they deserve to get paid at a job just for showing up. The proof that someone believes they are Entitled to their relationships, and that they do not view them as a privilege, and an honored invitation from another living, sentient being, is when they verbally and/or emotionally attack when the person decides that they've had enough of being taken for granted.
To be sure~ How do you know if you are the one who is being "entitled", or who is being taken for granted?
It's simple. If your reaction to this is "Why should I treat her/him/them with respect? What have they done to deserve it? And they are supposed to be there for me, not the other way around, and I can't stand them anyway, they're stupid" ~Then you are definitely the one who feels entitled, and you will probably get a rude awakening that you will not understand until you have gone through all kinds of problems in your life that you have created with your entitlement consciousness.
Wake up so you can have a good life.
SING! DANCE! MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT!
Use the talents you may possess: the woods would be silent if no birds sang there
except those who sang best. —Henry Van Dyke
And do not discourage a bird to sing, just because you are arrogant and only want to hear the song of the lark. The bird was born to sing, and you were not born to silence her. Go busy your mouth with something more productive than insulting another. --- Marianne Black
except those who sang best. —Henry Van Dyke
And do not discourage a bird to sing, just because you are arrogant and only want to hear the song of the lark. The bird was born to sing, and you were not born to silence her. Go busy your mouth with something more productive than insulting another. --- Marianne Black
Are You Done Talking Yet
A red flag of Narcissistic people is how they
lose interest in the conversation with you when they no longer like the
subject. They were not engaged in talking WITH YOU, they were engaged in
receiving the attention they were looking for FROM you. As soon as you
start talking about something they don't find interesting or find
uncomfortable, they will suddenly fade away~ they have to go, or there's...
something else going on, or they have a pain in their leg, or they're
tired, any reason to end the conversation. Sometimes they will even make
an announcement that the conversation is over, as if they are your
authority; either way, if they are being passive-aggressive, or outright
rude, they are asserting control over you, and showing that their
conversation with you had nothing really to do with their interest in a
reciprocal connection. They don't want to hear what you have to say
unless they LIKE what you are saying, and agree with it; its not about a
connection with you.
They don't know that non-narcissistic people like to have reciprocal conversations, that they enjoy hearing the thoughts and opinions and observations of people they know. They often don't know that differing points of view are GOOD, and not cause for enmity, but actually build connection between people.
They don't know that non-narcissistic people like to have reciprocal conversations, that they enjoy hearing the thoughts and opinions and observations of people they know. They often don't know that differing points of view are GOOD, and not cause for enmity, but actually build connection between people.
Relationship With A Narcissist
You will not ever have a "real" relationship
with a person who has Narcissism. They will always live inside their own
life, and will not integrate with you. Your life and personhood is not
"real" to them, it is not nearly as significant as theirs. Your
experiences, your life, your past, your knowledge, wisdom, your
aspirations, needs, desires, passion, laughter, hopes, dreams, heart,
and soul are ...
Kim Cooper has found a way to cure Narcissism, but the task of getting a Narcissist to actually DO anything at all, especially that he or she doesn't feel rewarded for in some way (think ego) is nearly impossible. You can see what it looks like if you want:
Narcissism Cured
no more real to them then if they had watched it on a brief TV documentary about you.
The reason they can not connect is because they don't see anything outside of their own box as being "Real". They built that fort many years ago, and they brought their favorite things in it, and that's the world to them. Their family might be built into it, sometimes even a buddy, usually from childhood or adolescence. But that's it.
If they really want or have to go somewhere, they will put wheels on it, but they won't come out. They see no need to, the real world is inside their sanctuary; you are not "real" unless you come inside; but then, you are assimilated into the rest of the things that are under the N's control.
Continue along with that metaphor for a moment. How do you think the N person would act toward a toy in their collection that came to life, and had their own ideas on how to live? What would happen if that toy wanted to redecorate even a small portion of the fort, or bring in a pet, or go out into the world on an adventure? Would the N person go along with the toy, or would they simply tell it "no", and punish it if it took the initiative anyway? How would the N person feel about the toy having other friends in a normal way, inviting them into the fort, going out to do things with them? Would the N want to go with them, or would the N feel embarrassed about being seen cavorting with a bunch of toys?
The N believes that they are in full control over others, not unlike a child who pretends with dolls. The world only exists as their own version, and anything outside their version is just "wrong".
The reason they can not connect is because they don't see anything outside of their own box as being "Real". They built that fort many years ago, and they brought their favorite things in it, and that's the world to them. Their family might be built into it, sometimes even a buddy, usually from childhood or adolescence. But that's it.
If they really want or have to go somewhere, they will put wheels on it, but they won't come out. They see no need to, the real world is inside their sanctuary; you are not "real" unless you come inside; but then, you are assimilated into the rest of the things that are under the N's control.
Continue along with that metaphor for a moment. How do you think the N person would act toward a toy in their collection that came to life, and had their own ideas on how to live? What would happen if that toy wanted to redecorate even a small portion of the fort, or bring in a pet, or go out into the world on an adventure? Would the N person go along with the toy, or would they simply tell it "no", and punish it if it took the initiative anyway? How would the N person feel about the toy having other friends in a normal way, inviting them into the fort, going out to do things with them? Would the N want to go with them, or would the N feel embarrassed about being seen cavorting with a bunch of toys?
The N believes that they are in full control over others, not unlike a child who pretends with dolls. The world only exists as their own version, and anything outside their version is just "wrong".
Kim Cooper has found a way to cure Narcissism, but the task of getting a Narcissist to actually DO anything at all, especially that he or she doesn't feel rewarded for in some way (think ego) is nearly impossible. You can see what it looks like if you want:
Narcissism Cured
Barack Obama's Ass
Where are all the jokes and criticisms in the media about the candidate's looks, weight, hair, vocal tone, shoes, outfits, and "hotness" factor?
Oh... right... that only happens when the candidates are women.
I keep forgetting... See, I actually believed it when the adults told me that all American citizens were treated with the same equality and respect because Americans are above all that petty prejudice Jr. High crap, and I just can't seem to shake that fantasy.
Oh... right... that only happens when the candidates are women.
I keep forgetting... See, I actually believed it when the adults told me that all American citizens were treated with the same equality and respect because Americans are above all that petty prejudice Jr. High crap, and I just can't seem to shake that fantasy.
Gift Receiving Etiquette And Narcissism
Interesting thing that narcissists often do is the same behavior that immature children often do~ they don't know how to accept gifts or compliments.
Often, when a narcissist receives a gift, they will not accept it gracefully, they will look it over and assess it, judging whether or not they like it or approve of it. If they don't LOVE it, just like a child who has not learned manners, they will SAY SO. They will often reject the gift outright, as if the gift giver has insulted them with their "dumb" gift.
The Narcissist feels entitled to receiving gifts, large or small, and has not matured enough to understand that the people in their lives do not exist to serve them.
If the N loves the gift itself, they will often do something else interesting; they will assimilate the gift into their list of accomplishments. As if they acquired it on their own. They simply "delete" the fact that the gift was GIVEN to them by another person, and rewrite the story to make themselves the person who went and got the thing, or the money. They see it as something they earned, or found, or created, not as something that was given to them. It looks like it's a way to avoid showing gratitude, but N's seem to actually believe their own reality-rewrites.
An exception to this behavior is when the Narcissist has something to gain by displaying good manners; if a person they have a crush on, or a person they want to impress or get on their good side, gives them a gift, then the "good manners" come out, as if it's a natural part of the N's day to day personality.
Often if you compliment a Narcissist, they will not say "thank you", they will hear the compliment as an expression of awe about their magnificence, and take the opportunity to expand upon how wonderful and important they are. This Is Spinal Tap has a wonderful scene spoofing this (Language Alert):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgViOqGJEvM
Trauma Victims In Your Family And Friendships
One of the things a traumatized person needs most is to feel "normal" again, to be reassured that the people around them care about them for real, are glad that they survived, and are eager to make sure they're okay. LONG TERM "okay", not just in the moment, or for today, or until we all get sick of "dealing with it". The traumatized person needs to feel that they their "people" love them and LIKE them, and want them around. They often want to be heard, need to tell their story, and need to see that their family and friends have their back.
Ironically, the larger portion of humans do just the opposite to a victim of trauma. They often turn away from the person, cast blame on the person, stop treating them like "one of their kind", as if the person is the one who created this terrible thing to happen to them. This is a psychological malfunction, where a victim of crime, abuse, or trauma is wrongfully placed by those around them as the perpetrator of the trauma.
When people can not handle the caretaking of an individual in their group because they are not mentally or emotionally equipped, they often turn on the the very person who they are supposed to be caring for because they feel overwhelmed. Often they feel guilty or ashamed, and in order to cast these feelings off of themselves, they throw them onto the traumatized person.
Many victims of trauma develop PTSD, exacerbated by the cold treatment of those whom they had previously trusted. To be chased by a grizzly bear through the woods is traumatizing. To get to the family home and find the door locked, and no one will open it from the inside, is severely traumatizing. To have to wrestle with your keys with the grizzly bearing down on you, unlock the door, and get inside, only to find everyone shaking their heads at you and accusing you of making it up just to get attention, or backs turned on you as if you had done something wrong and should be ashamed, can be absolutely devastating, even debilitating. The person now knows they are not in a safe environment, and not surrounded by people who have any interest in their well-being.
And once a person is stamped as a scapegoat in any given group, when there is no one to stand up for them, the group will usually treat that person like a pariah for the rest of their lives; and to clinch it, this stamp will often be spread far and wide, just to make sure that no one ever believe the real story. A pariah is shunned, judged, refused resources, made fun of, laughed at, used as a dumping ground for family problems. It's the most terrible way to treat a person. And yet, it's very common in human families and groups all across the world, in every social and economic strata.
If there's someone in your family or group that has been labeled "black sheep" or "bad", a person who people love to call crazy, who they seem to delight in bashing, chances are the whole truth is being hidden. Think about how you would want to be treated by your family or group, and compare that to the way they treat and talk about that person. Do they seem bent on making sure that person is spoken of in a negative light? Do they show concern for things that person went through, or do they dismiss every single thing that happened to that person? Everyone needs to feel like they are cared about by their group, like they belong, like they are safe.
Real People Fake Friends
Don't confuse friendship with image.
If we pick people to connect with based on how other people will see us, we are not living in truth. Civility, Friendship and Love are based in the heart, not on appearances. When we are afraid to be seen with someone, then we are either surrounded by false, image obsessed people, and we have grown to be accustomed to living in fear of their judgment, or we are that way ourselves, creating "friendships" based not in good will and true bonds, but in what we will get out of them.
Racism Sexism Misogyny Misandry Blondes Redheads
Prejudiced people are just doing what they did when they were 4 and 5, trying to group people together and separate differences, trying to get a feeling of importance for themselves. If they are a boy, there will always be a boy in the class who has self-importance issues, and declares boys to be better than girls, and tries to rally all the boys to follow along. There is often a girl in the class who does the same thing with the girls. There is usually at least one kid who does it with hair color, ancestry or skin color, rallies all the kids who otherwise would not have thought twice about it to be in a little "club" (so that kid can be the leader of said 'club') against other kids who "aren't like them", and there are often teachers, parents, and other adults who do little or nothing about any of it, or make it worse. Prejudiced adults are doing the exact same thing as they did then, they just never grew out of it. Giant toddlers, lol. Giant bottle in one hand, huge sagging diapers, and a big huge pacifier square in the middle of their face. And don't forget soft, cuddly Blankie :)
Next time you or someone you know makes a sexist put-down, a racist remark, a snotty mean comment about someone with different hair color or a certain body type, remember they are showing their inner King or Queen Toddler.
Not My Brother's Keeper
The emotional well-being of those around us IS our responsibility, and if people didn't shrug that off so much, there would be a lot less sadness, anger, and fear.
When another person is upset in some way, if we mean to be a friend or a comfort to them, we must keep in mind that our goal is to be there with them mentally, and lead them back into a more neutral emotional state. Just like a bottle of soda that gets shaken up, our emotions shake up the chemicals in our brains. That's ALL humans, unless there is brain damage. When someone is upset, whether it's anger, sadness, fear, rage, depression, or terror, we ARE our "brother's and sister's keeper", not their Authority Master to shut them down with aggression or put downs. A true friend listens, and listens, and talks, and listens, and seeks to give companionship, and seeks to help the other person come gently back to feeling grounded again.
Brain Washing For Dummies
How do you keep control over a person, a group, a society, a country, a world?
You simply create chaos so people don't have time to think, to relax, to become inspired. You try to convince them that their ideas are silly, their observations are dumb, and that there is no hope for their aspirations. You do not give them time or space to heal, or to become inspired, or to build their strength and resources.
You create hostility, fear, prejudice, heartbreak and anxiety so their brain's energy is spent in the Amygdala, instead of the Cortex.
The Amygdala is the part of the brain that deals with emotions.
Those who realize what is going on, especially in personal relationships, can definitely recover, and usually do. The controller person often reacts with rage when their puppet strings are exposed.
In larger groups or agencies, when several people are involved in the manipulation, they often react with self-righteousness, convinced that they are somehow superior and entitled to treating other humans this way for a "bigger cause". They will often try to redirect the aware person, and sabotage them in different ways. If this does not work, they can smear their reputation so no one takes them seriously. If it still doesn't work, they might just rub them out.
The aware person would often choose death than life as a caged animal, so the manipulators still don't "win".
You simply create chaos so people don't have time to think, to relax, to become inspired. You try to convince them that their ideas are silly, their observations are dumb, and that there is no hope for their aspirations. You do not give them time or space to heal, or to become inspired, or to build their strength and resources.
You create hostility, fear, prejudice, heartbreak and anxiety so their brain's energy is spent in the Amygdala, instead of the Cortex.
The Amygdala is the part of the brain that deals with emotions.
Those who realize what is going on, especially in personal relationships, can definitely recover, and usually do. The controller person often reacts with rage when their puppet strings are exposed.
In larger groups or agencies, when several people are involved in the manipulation, they often react with self-righteousness, convinced that they are somehow superior and entitled to treating other humans this way for a "bigger cause". They will often try to redirect the aware person, and sabotage them in different ways. If this does not work, they can smear their reputation so no one takes them seriously. If it still doesn't work, they might just rub them out.
The aware person would often choose death than life as a caged animal, so the manipulators still don't "win".
Are You A Good Person?
People who are trying to prove that they are "one of the Good People" in a family or group often develop a habit of trying to "bag" others. Scapegoats are common in this kind of dynamic, there is one person who everyone uses as a dumping ground for criticism. That way, they always have someone to point at, away from themselves. Children often do this before they are taught to take accountability f...
or their own actions; they will "tattle" on another child in order to feel important and above blame. It makes them feel like a temporary adult. However in groups where there is scapegoating going on already, many members of that group will pick up this behavior in order to avoid becoming a Scapegoat. Reporting to others what one of the members of the group is doing "wrong" is common, but promoting the well being of that person is not the goal. They will say they are "concerned", but they will not call that person directly and try to be their friend, or talk about them in good ways, or promote their interests or accomplishments. They will just keep trying to "bag" that person to others in order to get "policing" points, and there is always a lot of secret talking about other members.
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