Freedom In Marriage by Rick Santos Sr.

By Rick Santos Sr

Here's something I wrote a long time ago..... Hope you like it.....

Freedom In Marriage
For many, marriage is the beginning of somethings, and the end of many others. A couple thats "ready" for marriage should enter it with the sense of freedom.
It is commonly thought that "now you're tied". But it should be "now you're free". Free to be yourself, free to speak your mind, free to be quiet, free to show yourself, free to be naked, free from the anxiety of being alone behind the mask.
If we could only hold on to the feeling, " I can't get enough of you" and " what I do, I do with you in mind", and want it that way. Not that I should love, but that I do love.
And we all need time to ourselves, but it shouldn't be an escape.
If your love is a secure one, then time spent apart can be free from anxiety. As it should be. Missing him or her because you truely miss them. Not because your worried about what they're doing.
There should be freedom in marriage, but realistically, this freedom doesn't exsist in most marriages.
Insecurity is a spoiler of relationships. Especially if it exsists on both sides. It breeds so many troubles, eventually leading people to want to escape the person they once couldn't get enough of.
If a person is feeling so insecure that from the beginning they cant show their true self, they probably will doubt the feelings of love from their partner, who at this time probably only knows "the mask". Not the best foundation to start a future with someone on.... A strong enough wind can just blow it away. Or enough small breezes.
Most likely if your partner senses (and they do) that you dont trust them enough, that you can't be yourself with them, then most likely they will protectively end up doing the same and have reservations with you also. This seems to be our nature. Negative thoughts creep in..... "maybe if he/she really gets to know me, they might not except me any more". This is fear. And maybe they wont. But.... maybe they will.... embrace you.
The truth is, there can be freedom in marriage. But it takes communication, trust, honesty, understanding, compassion, and truth. All of which comes with MATURITY and being ready. Rare in this life of ours, but attainable.
Though more and more we work less and less on these things. And lets not forget the word patience.
If we refuse to put effort and time into these things, then what right do we have to complain about not recieving them. Especially if we excersise the opposite. You dont have to look too far to see that around you.
Selfishness slips in. Not self love, but a self abusing type of selfishness, tainted with an assortment of attitudes designed for protection, but usually a path to frustration.
With our guard up we may claim that we wont be controlled or "used" by the person who loves us, then place ourselves in a position to be used and abused and controlled by everything and everyone else. Usually ending up in a position we didnt bargain for.
Here's a couple of hypothetical statements: Im in love with you and would love spending my life with you. Though I need to be free to be myself.
The average person might see this as a contradiction. And in some cases it is. (most) Because in most cases people might feel their sacrificing much of their lives, sacrificing themselves to be with someone else. (you)
Perhaps some of the excitment is begining to fade, the sense of adventure dimming a bit with the onset of daily rituals. Maybe some problems begin to over shadow the good times a bit. Reality sets in, The escape begins.
To have freedom in marriage, Love MUST exsist.
I believe that marriage is something that happens between two people as the result of love, as opposed to something two people do because they think their in love.
In a marriage built on real love a couple should be able to live more freely as they choose, desiring whats best for each other naturally from the heart.
Saddly, for many this seems so unrealistic. Love so often ends up unbalanced, Opening the door to probable pain for someone.
So do we shrink back to our natural instinct to hide? Run for cover behind the mask?
I guess for us to have freedom in marriage it also takes Faith.
If we're seeking for real love and dont want to settle for less as we often do, then we also need the strength to walk away when it isnt right, so that we can find what is.....
Many relationships are good, but not right. The differance being, the good ones are good untill what ever was good about it fades and looses its attraction. And your "love" then becomes maybe 4th , 5th, or 6th ect.... on the list of whats important to you. Remember when they were # 1! Sometime we unfortunetly dont remember that.... cause maybe they never were.
The right relationship is simply worth so much and is so important that it is natural to put it first..... #1. To give it more attention than say, the car, the house, the bills, (the guy or woman down the street!). Together naturally taking care of lifes "stuff". Enjoying the good times, and suffering through the tough times together for the sake of each other. Caring for each other, to better one another.
Life is short. And finding real love in this world is saddly a rare thing. So many times we settle for less. And so many times it turns out that our lives would have been better off if we spent it alone. Often the one we settle for is what keeps us from being with the one thats right. The one we could be free with. The one with whom we better ourselves with.
Real love, not "true love".
"True love insinuates that there is "false love" or a "lesser love" which wouldn't be love at all.
There is a "Real Love or there isnt. Pure and simple. Love cares.........

Rick Santos Sr.
Originally written November, 1997

What Am I Feeling?

Accuracy in interpreting the emotions and behavior of others is very important. Studies have shown for years that humans are not automatic experts in interpreting what other people feel, or why they do what they do, or say what they say. Even experts are not infallible at this; a degree in psychology does not make one an expert in reading others. The gift of language is an absolutely essential tool regarding communication of emotions.

There are many people who misinterpret others on a regular basis, but have no idea that they're off base. Interpreting an expression of fear or anxiety as anger, arrogance, or judgment is actually not uncommon. Interpreting a highly intelligent person who is deep in thought as unintelligent or uncomprehending is quite common as well. Facial expressions of joy are often interpreted as ignorance or naivete. Expressions of polite civility, hospitality or friendship are often very much misinterpreted as romantic gestures, flirting, fake flattery, or snootiness. Arrogance is often misconstrued as confidence, capability, and leadership, while true confidence and humility are often misinterpreted as arrogance or haughtiness.

Many humans also tend to assign emotions to certain "types" of other people. So a small woman and a large man who are expressing the exact same emotion for the same exact reason will be interpreted by this person completely differently. One may be said to be angry, and the other may be said to be frightened or frustrated, with no reality or logic-checking by the observer. 

Many of us even interpret our own emotions incorrectly; this is well known in psychological studies, especially regarding people who were raised to bury or hide their emotions. They may only recognize a few emotions, and label all of their other emotions incorrectly. "Anger", "sadness", "fear" and "worry" are often the only emotions they will name, and they will call other emotions by these names as well. This can cause difficulty for the person when trying to communicate in relationships or resolve personal issues.

We can help repair this issue effectively using language; matching names for emotions with our own feelings, and talking to others about theirs as well. It is perfectly healthy to ask a friend or family member what they are feeling. The more discussion there is on the topic, like any other topic, the more we will understand it and interpret more accurately.


 M.M.Black

Difference Between Emotions And Behavior

There is a difference between behavior and emotion. Those who have a clear understanding of this are much better able to make decisions and govern their actions.
When I feel angry, if I believe that my emotions and behavior are the same thing, I may act aggressively toward someone, and believe that it was my anger "making me" do it. In reality, I could have chosen to do any number of things that ...were completely different than what I did. I could have even chosen to do nothing at all.

A person in a large pick-up turns in front of me, nearly causing an accident. My emotions include anger at him, and fear because I was nearly in an accident; I could have been hurt or killed. My emotions are valid, of course, and natural, and normal. And then I feel more anger because he did something so ignorantly that could have easily resulted in my being seriously injured, and anyone else in the car, and anyone else on the road. Then I feel yet more anger because he speeds off after he does it like a spoiled brat. Also, this is the third pick-up truck in a week who has cut me off or nearly hit me. So I have a large volume of anger within me. What do I do?
I CHOOSE what to do. Will I yell and give him a gesture? Will I follow him and pull him out of the truck when he stops? Will I stop and sit there in the middle of the road so everyone else has to jack their brakes up and go around me, nearly causing another wreck myself? Will I follow him calmly and discreetly only in order to get his license plate, and then report him to the police? Will I pull over somewhere and let my anger dissipate, and just relax until I feel better, and can go about the rest of my day?
Obviously the last two choices are really the only ones that are rational, logical, and productive. All the others are me making my emotions and ego the rulers of my behavior, and not taking responsibility for myself.

So I follow this pick-up truck driver to get the license plate, right to the hospital, where she parks in front and runs around to the passenger side to carry her child who has apparently broken her leg. Now what do I feel? If I had known why she did what she did (because she wasn't thinking due to overwhelming fear and stress), I still would have felt fear and anger, but not so much anger. Since I didn't know, I assumed, and my imagination built a story that wasn't true. We do that all the time. The fact that she pulled in front of me didn't change. She did pull in front of me, and almost caused an accident. But knowing that she did it from a place of panic over her daughter, and not arrogance, changed MY perception. So the facts of the event did not change, but understanding the real reasons BEHIND the event changed MY feelings about it, and about her. That means my original feelings of anger upon anger were not even based in reality or facts. The FEAR was based on the REAL EVENT, but the anger was based on my assumptions.

If I had made the choice to pull her over, or followed her and screamed obscenities, or made gestures or threats, I would be choosing to act aggressively toward a mother who is trying to get her child to the hospital.

How would I seriously justify my behavior then? Does the whole 'game' change because her reasons for pulling in front of me were for a different reason than I thought?

My behavior, my actions, and my words are still MY CHOICE, no matter the reasons for HER actions. Mine and mine alone. I alone dictate how I treat others, and how I act, speak, and behave. If I treat someone disrespectfully, it's not because they "deserve" disrespect, it's because I CHOSE to treat them that way. If I treat someone with adulation, it's not because they "deserve" to be fawned over by me, it's because I CHOSE to threat them that way. How I act toward others is ALL ME, all the time, except in matters of actual defense against harm; and even then, we can choose how to act. How I behave is ALL ME, whatever I'm doing. If I'm changing my behavior in order to accommodate my emotions, I'm responsible for that, too. 

Like if I didn't want to go to a show that I had committed to because of social anxiety; I am still responsible for all of my actions and behavior. I don't get a "free pass" for standing my friend up; my friend is not obligated or required to just be super-understanding of why I made plans with her and then just didn't show up. Importantly, being stood up may have caused her real pain and sadness. I should have tried to go, and if I absolutely couldn't, I should have called so she could adjust her plans, and then I also should have tried to make it up to her. Either way, I must accept that she might not want to make more plans with me in the future, as she is responsible to and for herself as well.

(Literally ONLY the technically insane are not responsible for their behavior, and therefore should not be walking free in society without constant supervision.)


M.M.Black

Share Schoolhouse Rock With Young People!

Remember growing up with Schoolhouse Rock? It helped us learn in a very positive way about things kids really essential subjects. Ever wonder why such an obviously brilliant learning tool was taken off regular programming? Well, kids and young adults who got ripped off don't need to be deprived, we can just let them hear it by playing those shorts regularly so they can love them like we did, and get a deeper understanding of Freedom, Liberty, and Justice, History, Government, English Language, and an appreciation for positive, lighthearted music and the joy it brings! These things we took for granted!

Woman Are Manipulative: Advice For Men

Are women manipulative?

The "secret" is simple, and if you don't get THIS, you won't get any of it:

SOME women are manipulative! 

Just like SOME MEN are manipulative, some white people are, some black people are, some brown people are.  Some young people are... some older people are... Some tall people are... some short people are... some average height people are. etc, etc, etc. ad nauseum.

Reality is, there is no ONE PARAMETER for female behavior. Women are all individual people. If you want to know more about one particular woman, you need to get to KNOW HER. You will FAIL if you think you have her "figured out" just because she's female! That's insane! Every human being is an individual PERSON, that's actual reality.

You can see groups of boys and groups of men all acting in a similar way, talking like each other, dressing similarly, because they all grew up together, or are from the same area, the same family, or work together, or hang out with each other a lot. Does that make them literal CLONES? Do they each have their own thoughts, feelings, preferences, abilities, and aspirations? Or are they all just versions of one original "Male", all just slightly varied in physical appearance? Come on, use some logic!

Human beings mimic the humans they grow up around, they learn how to talk, how to dress, how to carry themselves, how to SOUND when they talk, which words to use. (That's how accents and regional dialects are created). They ALSO learn what social behavior will be ACCEPTED by the human groups they are in. If they don't act similarly to the other members in certain ways, they will not be accepted in a particular group! 

Everyone knows this on a certain level, but everyone also likes to deny that it's true, probably because it's so lame.

So, the boys act like the other boys, and the girls act like the other girls. The ones who don't conform get picked on and left out. We all know this, and yet most people deny it. Interesting, isn't it?

So THEN, the girls all start to refer to boys as if they're all clones, all exactly alike, because they LOOK like they're all clones, because they're all acting and talking like each other. It doesn't help when older people add to this false assumption.

The BOYS will do the same thing; they see a group of girls all acting and talking like each other, and they think the same thing, that the girls are all CLONES, they all want the same things, they all like the same things, they're all only capable of certain "girl" things, and they're all afraid of certain things. And again, this assumption is made much worse when adults encourage it because of their own issues.

If you want to learn about the opposite sex, LET GO of your childhood assumption that the opposite sex is populated by carbon copies! It's a ridiculous notion that gets perpetuated by both male and female SEXIST NUMB SKULLS who like to teach children and young people WRONG, so they can manipulate and control them. 

A HEALTHY, GOOD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS A VERY CLOSE FRIENDSHIP. 

THE FRIENDSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION; WITHOUT THAT, YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A PERSON YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. YOU'RE ASSUMING YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM BECAUSE "YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT WOMEN"?!? 

HOW DELUDED IS THAT?!

WHICH MEANS YOU ARE RISKING MAKING AN INTIMATE CONNECTION WITH A PERSON WHO MAY TURN OUT TO BE AN UNSTABLE HUMAN, WHO MIGHT DECIDE TO STALK YOU OR CAUSE YOU ALL KINDS OF HAVOC. THEY COULD HAVE A DISEASE, THEY COULD HAVE AN ABUSIVE MENTAL ILLNESS, THEY COULD HAVE ABUSIVE OR PSYCHOTIC FAMILY MEMBERS OR FRIENDS, THEY COULD BE A THIEF, A CON, EVEN A MURDERER. YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU NEVER GOT TO KNOW THEM AS A FRIEND FIRST, SO TECHNICALLY, IT'S YOUR FAULT IF THEY TURN OUT TO BE A NUTJOB.

So, instead of meeting someone very, very cool, who you get to know with respect, hospitality, and sharing interests and activities (just like how you would get to know another guy), who might turn out to be the best friend you ever had, you "hook up" with a human who you simply find "hot", but whom you know barely anything about. And since you ASSUME that you know SO MUCH about the opposite sex (like you took a course on a different species), you never take the TIME or make any effort to get to know this person, and build a FRIENDSHIP. A genuine friendship, like you did with your other friends. And then it falls apart, and you complain that "nice guys finish last". Give us a break. Truly "Nice Guys" don't think of women as clones of each other, they have genuine friendships with females, RECIPROCAL friendships where neither one is "the boss", and neither one is treated like some other species.

The bottom line is, if you want to understand women, you should let go of the adolescent notion that they're all just different versions of each other, and realize that they're PEOPLE, just like you are. Some of them are JERKS, some of them are manipulative, some of them are judgmental, just like men. Some women are well-rounded, some are brilliant, some are very kind, some are averagely kind, some like to skydive, some like to garden, some love alligators and snakes and horses and dogs and cats.  

MANY have been conditioned to believe that they are less than they really are, and a "Nice Guy" would be able to recognize this common occurrence in our culture, and want to be a FRIEND, and be supportive of their female friend when she attempts to gain back the self-confidence that may have been stripped from her a long time ago. (Do you seriously think that girls wouldn't be able to learn how to fix a car, install a window, or play guitar if they hadn't been purposely left out when the boys were being shown how by someone's father or uncle or older brother? Use your head. I knew a man who ate his steak raw because he was taught that men can't cook. True story.)

A NICE GUY would have zero desire to control or MANIPULATE anyone, especially a FRIEND, romantic or not. A NICE GUY would want their friend to be fully confident in their OWN SKIN, and fulfill their REAL potential, and BE HAPPY. A NICE GUY would STAND UP for their friend when they get treated with disrespect, whether that disrespect was from a store clerk, from a "friend", or from a member of their own family.

Forget all that crap that women have this ONE CENTRAL MENTALITY, that's quite whacked. Just get to KNOW people, for real, and over a period of time. Would you let a guy move into your apartment who you just met at a bar? Use your head! Would you assume your guy friend is a "bitch" because he said something you didn't like? Do you feel entitled to rule over your male friends, or PUNISH them when they don't do what you wanted them to do? Do you see your male friends as "ALL GOOD' or "ALL BAD"? Or do you see them as PEOPLE, with a million facets of personality?

It's very simple, just unlearn the insanity, and embrace true reality and logic.

Giving Recognition And Credit; Narcissism

A common trait in humans that is magnified in those who are afflicted with Narcissism: Seeking credit, seeking recognition, wanting to be seen as a natural expert, leader, guru in a way that puts them above others, and forgetting that something was LEARNED.

They seem to forget: there was a time BEFORE I knew how to do this thing. A time BEFORE I understood this concept; BEFORE I became "good at" a specific skill, BEFORE I had this much money, BEFORE I acquired this college degree or certificate.

They seem to forget that they learned the things they know how to do, and the concepts they understand, and WHO taught them.  Human beings, but Narcissists in particular, will give credit only to those they have put on a pedestal as "Leader", including themselves, and they will DELETE recognition of anyone they have mentally placed in a "lower" position.

For example, they will learn how to play the piano, and with each skill level they master, they will immediately look down on anyone who has (in their opinion) not reached that skill level. They seem to literally forget that they had to learn and practice in order to attain that skill level. The person who taught them how to play will ONLY get credit or recognition IF they have been placed on a pedestal of "higher status". If not, they will be looked down upon along with everyone else, and the FACT and REALITY of their TEACHING will simply be minimized, diminished, or even deleted. 

Narcissists will even repeat back what someone else said if they judge that person as an "underling". They may even give credit for it to someone else whom they judge as "high status". For example if they have mentally placed their cousin to be "lower status", and this cousin tells them about a relaxation technique that turns out to be very helpful, they will often DELETE the fact that it was this "lower status" cousin was the person who told them. Then they will act as if they discovered it on their own, OR they will transfer the credit for who told them about it onto another person, someone they deem "higher status".  They may later tell this same cousin all about this relaxation technique, EVEN IF this cousin was the INVENTOR of the technique.

Anyone who has been placed mentally as "lower status" is presumed to know LESS, and anyone who has been placed mentally as "higher status" is presumed to know MORE. About nearly anything and everything. Including the person themselves.

This is another developmental delay~ it's common in human children, but would be grown out of in an ideal environment. If a child is exposed to one or more adults who encourage or model this behavior, it's easy to see why the child might get "stuck" there.

This automatic arrogance is often linked with sexism; the girl who is taught how to sew by her mother, aunt, or female teacher may also be taught that she can learn how to sew because she is a GIRL, and her brother would not be able to learn how to sew because he's a clutzy boy. So this girl believes she has innate capability OVER her brother in regard to sewing, but she takes no account that her brother was not encouraged to learn how to sew, or even welcomed into the sewing lessons. In the meantime, her brother is getting the same treatment by their father, uncle, or male teacher while being taught auto mechanics. Instead of simply teaching the boy about auto mechanics, the male mentor injects male-identification into these lessons, creating a "male-only" atmosphere. The boy, like his sister, doesn't take into account that his sister was purposely kept out of the lessons, unwelcomed, and that is why she didn't learn about auto mechanics.

Even if there are two brothers and two sisters, logic doesn't seem to sink in. One brother turns out to be a fast learner regarding auto mechanics, and the other does not seem to pick it up well at all. But the brother who does not pick it up is STILL given the credit of having an innate ability to understand cars better than his sister just because he's a boy, even though he has shown over and over that he has no such innate ability. But their sister, who might actually be quite inclined to understand auto mechanics and pick it up quickly is never given the chance.

The same is happening with the two sisters; one sister picks up sewing very quickly, and is able to learn complicated tailoring and design techniques, but the other doesn't pick it up well at all. The sister who is not picking it up is STILL expected to be innately better at sewing than her brother, and is STILL given that credit. Even if her brother has been sewing his own buttons and seams.

Both brother and sister are given automatic recognition for innate abilities that they DO NOT HAVE.
Both are DENIED the opportunity to find out if they have innate abilities in other things that they might have loved doing.

The lesson they are all being taught includes believing they have "innate ability" because of their sex, and that the other sex has no such "innate ability" for this particular skill. In reality, innate talent comes in all colors, sizes, and bodies, but can go NOWHERE if there is no opportunity to learn the actual skills. Expertise requires learning, period. Even the world's most recognized "geniuses" had to LEARN HOW. If they were not allowed to go near their subject of interest, they would not have accomplished what they did.

Top Ten Things You Hate About Your Spouse

"Why do you hate about her? What do you hate about him?" 
"What are the top 10 things men resent about women?" 
"What are the most annoying things about men?"

Talk about Hate Propaganda!
Encouraging hate, instead of understanding? Instead of resolution? Instead of problem-solving? Instead of healing? Instead of love? What is that?!? 

Not only does this practice encourage negativity, judgment, and separation, but it also serves to blur logic and reality - any of those lists can be transferred to the opposite sex. Jealousy, control, arrogance, disrespect, and misunderstanding are all human traits. They're not exclusive to one sex or the other. There is no perfect person, and frankly the belief that "I am perfect, he/she is flawed" is a characteristic of mental illness, especially when that "flawed" person is a chosen partner or a child.

By the time we are old enough to become a spouse or a parent, hopefully we have learned that we are solely responsible for our own feelings and actions, and know that other people can't "make us" resentful. We can feel resentment about another person's behavior, but that doesn't mean they made us feel that way. Our feelings are not dependent on other people's actions; they are from within.

For those who don't understand this concept, you can prove this with music. Go play your favorite song for someone else. You think that song is what makes you feel inspired, happy, powerful, or peaceful, because the song itself has innate power? If it was that song that made you feel good, because of its innate power, it would make everyone who listened to it feel the same way. Is that what happens? Does every person react with the same feelings you do when they hear that song? Or is that similar reaction limited to only people who have very specific things in common with you, like your age group, your preferred music genre, your gender, your culture, your local community? Do you believe that the songs you like are the only good songs, and that everyone else's musical preference is "wrong"? Do you have any idea how many songs there are in the world? For each of those songs, there are people who absolutely love them, people who can't stand them, and people who have little reaction one way or the other. It's not the song that "makes" the feelings, it's the person listening to the song.

Still don't understand? Take flowers. Don't say "I don't know nothin' about flowers"... Flowers are one of the things that keep us all alive. We all are aware of flowers, they're an essential part of our world, without them we're all dead. So, what's your favorite flower? Why do you like that flower above others? Do you believe that's the favorite flower of every person on the planet? For every flower, there is someone who feels emotionally elated, joyful, or inspired when they see it or smell it. And, for every flower, there's someone who thinks it's ugly, weird, or stinky; they feel nothing "good" when they see or smell it. And then there are all the people who see that same flower and barely even notice it. If it was the flower itself that made people happy, then everyone who sees or smells that flower would be made to feel happy. Unless the flower is literally being ingested by a person as a drug, it has no way to make a person like it or hate it, or feel happy or annoyed. And other humans are the same way as flowers and music. They can't make us feel anything. One person who seems annoying to you might seem delightful to me, and another person who seems delightful to you might seem completely annoying to me. It's not the person making you feel that way, it's your own perception, and your own emotional reaction to that perception. A person that you LIKE isn't automatically a good person, and a person that you DON'T LIKE isn't automatically a bad person. 

The fact is, you probably know much less than you think you do about this person, and the only way you would be able to genuinely find out about them would be to spend large amounts of time talking to them, actually listening to them tell their life experiences, learning about their entire history from every point of view possible, not just from other people nor just from them, and watching them interact with every person. AND to top it off, you would have to continually double-check your own awareness level, biases, emotional state, and judgment. 

Easier to just accept that we don't really know all that much about the people we think we know, and just treat them with respect and courtesy, since treating others with respect and courtesy come from our own selves, and is not based on whether we think they "deserve it" or not.


For those who want to use "venting" as an excuse for those hate lists, that doesn't really work.
Venting is not the same thing as spreading hatred. Venting is about our own frustration, pain, and anger. We vent to release built-up emotion, and we need other people to reassure us they are supportive of us by listening and hearing what we're saying, and helping us manage our overwhelmed emotions with their friendship and presence. It's healthy to vent. But, if they're a good friend, they won't take our vents and use them against us, judging us or our partner or family member that we're frustrated with, labeling that person, vilifying that person, ostracizing that person, or us. A good friend does NOT advise us to be hostile toward a friend or loved one, to hate a friend or loved one, or to be controlling or aggressive toward a friend or loved one. A good friend listens and supports, and helps us for real, without inserting more negativity, and without invalidating us or condescending to us. No friend is perfect, we can't always meet these parameters, but good friends try their best to be truly supportive and non-judgmental.

(If we are being abused, a good friend still does not need to vilify the abuser in order to be supportive; people do this because they project their own personal feelings into the situation. Most abusive people are acting out an emotional or mental illness, and have often been abused themselves in their past; is anyone trying to get them help? Does anyone care about their well-being at all? Did anyone do anything for real to find out why this person is acting this way? Or are they all just jumping on the bandwagon of vilification, and doing zero to contribute to actual problem-solving?)

Hate and resentment come from within. No one makes us feel those things, or anything else. We feel everything we feel, period. If we find ourselves feeling these things, then objective examination of the situation is in order. If we need help resolving it, then we need to get that help.

"When you find the one person you've been looking for your whole life, you look for as many reasons as you can NOT to resent them. You don't make lists to justify your resentments toward them."

Hate And Healing

The road to healing, as most are aware of in our more grounded moments, is paved with understanding,  communication, self-awareness, and forgiveness of ourselves and others. Especially when we are healing from betrayal, abuse, oppression, and/or trauma. It is very important to find our own voice for the first time, or find it once again if we have buried it, and use it to tell our stories. Those of us on the path to healing are aware of how important connecting and communicating with trustworthy souls really is; we need to be seen and heard. We need to feel that we are being seen and being heard as well, and believed, and listened to like the worthy and valuable human beings we really are.

When we find our voice, either for the first time, or once again, we often want to shout to the world the things we have been through and the things we have witnessed. We want to be heard! We want to be acknowledged! We want to be recognized, and we want people to know and understand where we have been, and what we have endured! We want people to see that we have every right to be angry, and we want them to know why! We crave, for once, to finally be the one who is on the receiving end of the understanding, validation, empathy and comfort! Of course we do, if we didn't feel this way, we would be tragically too far "gone" to recover. This shouting to the world "Listen to me! Hear me! I am HERE! I have endured, I have survived, and I need you to see me!" means we are still alive!

But sometimes, in our quest to recover our true selves, to feel healthy and whole again, we can get caught up in our quest and let our anger swell. It is of course good and essential to express our anger! If we have been treated unfairly, or terribly, it would be an expected and normal emotion, and to express that is very important. But there is a difference between expressing our anger at how we have been treated, and letting our anger turn to hatred. When we let that go unchecked, we have stepped off the path of healing ourselves, and into a different place where neither understanding nor forgiveness live. Many of us have already been in that place due to someone else's hatred or darkness, so we already know that it's barren and desolate, and is no place for healing.

We share information about various personality disorders, psychiatric disorders, and human behaviors and dynamics. The more understanding a person has of human beings, the more effectively he or she will be able to deal with what's going on with the people around him or her, and what's going on inside of his or her own heart and mind. Sharing information and experience is always helpful, and each person has their own unique understanding and experiences to contribute. That one piece of the puzzle one person has might be the one missing piece someone else needs to be able to see their own picture.

The value of sharing information about personality disorders and psychology, however, can get diminished and twisted when we add judgment. The fact is, most humans have some kind of psychological something that could be called a disorder. For most people, it's very hard to hear or accept, but no "normal" human being is free from self-deception, egoism, and childhood conditioning. Simply having complete belief that I am safe from harm right at this moment is a kind of delusion; if my brain could stand to handle all the things that could happen to me, for real, I would probably freeze in fear and anxiety, and curl up in a ball. Or perhaps I would become extremely defensive and wear armor and weapons, or live in a steel shelter with 12 guard dogs. However, my automatic self-deception convinces me that I am perfectly safe, right here, right now, and that nothing could possibly happen before I'm finished writing. It's our brain's way of making sure we can get things done and walk around on the Earth every day.

Those of us who have been through things outside of the realm of "normal everyday life", like trauma, abuse, oppression, slander, and severe betrayal have usually developed coping skills and defense mechanisms, some that we are aware of, and some that we may not be aware of. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can happen to anyone who experiences trauma, attack and/or abuse.  Those who have lived inside of ongoing abusive and oppressive situations, especially when occurring in childhood, can result in symptoms of not only PTSD, but also "personality disorders" such as BPD (borderline personality disorder, or "emotional dysregulation"), Histrionic Disorder, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), Passive-Aggressive Disorder, and a few others.

It is estimated that "Personality Disorders" make up approximately more than half of psychiatric diagnoses.

BPD is a relatively common disorder that seems to be a result of an abusive and neglectful childhood, whether there was only one abusive person, or more than one. Many abusive situations are perpetuated by members of a group simply living WITH the abuse, and doing little or nothing about it. When a child is the target of one abusive person, and no one intervenes for any number of reasons, the child's perception can be "no one cares about me, no one is on my side". The child's subconscious then begins to create coping skills to help the child survive the ongoing abuse. To make a light analogy, it would be like being the only child in a game of dodge ball who keeps getting hit in the face by the bully who whips the ball, and everyone else just pretends it's not happening, including the teacher and the principal; when the child who is being smashed with the ball cries or complains, everyone just tells him or her to be quiet and stop whining, and might say "you are getting hit because you are whining". If the child runs away, everyone either just pretends the child was never there, and simply keeps playing, or hunts the child down and punishes him or her, and marks the child with a "bad seed" or "crazy" label in order to avoid accountability. No one takes the child out of the situation, no one stands up for the child, no one protects the child, everyone blames the child for everyone else's behavior, no one removes the bullies. How would a child in that situation continue to feel like just a "normal" kid? They wouldn't, so in order to survive, their subconscious rewrites their coping skills to deal with this abnormal ongoing situation. Of course when those coping skills are rewritten, they will no longer fit in a "normal" life, but once they're rewritten, they will have to be rewritten yet again if the child ever gets out of the abusive situation, and when those rewrites have gone on for long enough time and are deep enough, they feel like an actual part of the person's personality.

That child will quite likely develop Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Antisocial Personality Disorder. Hopefully for everyone else, the child has huge natural inner strength and can retain enough compassion to remember what it was like, at least emotionally, before the abuse began. It will be very hard for that person to trust anyone, and he/she will be an expert at detecting disingenuous people, including those in the psychology field. Healing him/herself will be very difficult because of the ongoing lesson he or she was made to endure about not trusting anyone, and healing requires some measure of trust. Paranoia would of course be possible, if not probable; when one has lived through years of being targeted and unprotected, how does one suddenly start believing that a new person is genuine and trustworthy? Defensiveness, fear, resentment and anger is what this person was trained to feel day in and day out, and they may not even be aware that there is any other way that a REAL person can feel. 

In summation, when we vilify Personality Disorders or those who have Personality Disorders, we do not help ourselves to heal, and will make it much harder for us to admit we may have symptoms ourselves. If we deny our own symptoms because we have labeled them "bad", then we set ourselves up to avoid our own healing. This is the main problem that is so often discussed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; if we can't admit our own mistakes, "flaws", or shortcomings, we can't fix them and we can't heal them. When we call people "bad" who seem to have a Personality Disorder, they will be much more likely to deny they have any symptoms, and less likely to ever seek help. Especially when that person (them or us) has been avoiding being called "bad" his or her whole life because of the people around them doling out consequences and abandonment. We have the right to protect ourselves from any and all abuse, absolutely. That is the first priority. But we are not healing if we abandon our own values in our anger, and let our anger turn to hate. A world with more hate is just a world with more hate. Healing happens in compassion, learning, humility, objectivity, and love.


Peace!


MM Black

American Psychiatric Association

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (currently the DSM-IV) lists ten personality disorders, grouped into three clusters in Axis II. The DSM also contains a category for behavioral patterns that do not match these ten disorders, but nevertheless exhibit characteristics of a personality disorder. This category is labeled Personality disorder not otherwise specified.

[edit] Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders and fears Social relation)

Not to be confused with Type A personality.

• Paranoid personality disorder: characterized by irrational suspicions and mistrust of others.
• Schizoid personality disorder: lack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, anhedonia, introspection.
• Schizotypal personality disorder: characterized by odd behavior or thinking.

[edit] Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)

Not to be confused with Type B personality.

• Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive disregard for the rights of others, lack of empathy, and (generally) a pattern of regular criminal activity.
• Borderline personality disorder: extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.
• Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriately seductive behavior and shallow or exaggerated emotions.
• Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Characterized by self-importance, preoccupations with fantasies, belief that they are special, including a sense of entitlement and a need for excessive admiration, and extreme levels of jealousy and arrogance.

[edit] Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)

• Avoidant personality disorder: pervasive feelings of social inhibition and social inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction.
• Dependent personality disorder: pervasive psychological dependence on other people.
• Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder): characterized by rigid conformity to rules, moral codes and excessive orderliness.

[edit] Appendix B: Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study

Appendix B contains the following disorders.^[17]

• Depressive personality disorder – is a pervasive pattern of depressive cognitions and behaviors beginning by early adulthood.
• Passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder – is a pattern of negative attitudes and passive resistance in interpersonal situations.

[edit] Other

Some types of personality disorder were in previous versions of the diagnostic manuals but have been deleted. This includes two types that were in the DSM-III-R appendix as "Proposed diagnostic categories needing further study" without specific criteria, namely Sadistic personality disorder (a pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning and aggressive behavior) and Self-defeating personality disorder (masochistic personality disorder) (characterised by behaviour consequently undermining the person's pleasure and goals).^[18] The psychologist Theodore Millon and others consider some relegated diagnoses to be equally valid disorders, and may also propose other personality disorders or subtypes, including mixtures of aspects of different categories of the officially accepted diagnoses

Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries is the most important tool we need in dealing with N's in general, or anyone else who does not care about other's well-being. N's (narcissists) in particular target our boundaries by way of our self-esteem; the dismissive behavior, like I'm not a real person; the clique behavior, like I'm not one of the "in crowd" or don't belong, or aren't wanted here; the silent treatments; refusal to address or answer directly; refusal to acknowledge any of my feelings, observations, vents, or accomplishments; all designed to make me feel unworthy and unwanted not just by the N, but by everyone associated with the N. When that gets into my head, then I notice it when anyone treats me with dismissal or disrespect, and that feeling of "I'm not wanted here" comes right back.
That feeling is not "crazy", it's actually awareness. N's are everywhere, and when one targets us even a little, our awareness snaps right in, even if we don't realize consciously, and we become socially uneasy. We have experienced enough N abuse to know that when even a random N targets us in a group of people we don't even know, it's only a matter of time if we stick around that we will get smeared, sabotaged, and/or ostracized. We know how easily N's are successful at turning groups of people on a person, for the most petty "reasons". We often don't know who the N is for a while, even if we know it's happening; they will usually mimic trustworthiness or being oblivious to what's going on.
WHEN our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we can bounce back when an N tries to pull their smear crap. And, we sense their presence more quickly, and don't buy into the feeling of "I'm not likeable" "I'm not good enough" nearly as much; with healhy, strong boundaries, we are much more resilient, and less susceptible to their attempts to tear us down in the first place. With strong and healthy boundaries, we don't get driven out of a group if we choose to stay, we are better able to navigate their baby noises and tactics, and we are more comfortable about leaving if we so choose. Strong boundaries give us back our feeling of choice, and our confidence in our awareness.

Kim and Steve Cooper on Narcissism

Please click on the link below to read:

http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog/narcissistic-personality-disorder-the-real-test-is-self-esteem/

Democrats vs. Republicans

Politics, really... Remember in elementary school when kids made little groups and said their group was the GOOD group and the other kids were dumb, or ugly, or weak, or whatever? You know how adults do that with their political party? Theirs is the GOOD group, and everyone in it is perfect, and anyone in the other party is stupid?
WHY are ADULTS still doing what should have been left in elementary school?!!
If you want to understand what's going on for REAL, if you give crap-one about the country you live in and your kids are growing up in, then STOP with the pedestals for your own party, and vilifying the OTHER party. STOP with the HATING everyone who doesn't go along with YOUR "party line", and stop believing you know everything that's in the heads of all the politicians, and what's REALLY going on in Congress, you DON'T KNOW. (If you think you do, then you should go get your complimentary PhD from Oxford, because you're a freaking PSYCHIC GENIUS.)  GUESS WHAT? BOTH PARTIES WANT YOU TO HATE THE OTHER ONE. It keeps you TALKING, it keeps you HATING, it keeps you LOYAL no matter WHAT they do.  If they can get you to HATE one party and FOLLOW the other, they don't care WHICH ONE, they can lead you around like a pony. You can choose to believe it or not, it doesn't matter, it 's still real, and it's still how Politics works. What's your favorite baseball team, what's your favorite football team? Which one do you HATE? How emotionally charged do you get when you're watching your favorite play against the one you hate? Why do you HATE or LOVE a freaking sports team? They (politicians, media, advertisers) know what makes humans tick, and they USE it to their advantage. There are VERY FEW politicians who actually make it all the way to office and stay there with their integrity intact, and with anyone else's best interest in mind besides there OWN, because getting there is TOO HARD if you have integrity and you're NOT a Shark who plays the Politics Game. Why do you think it's all lawyers now? Where are the non-lawyers? Why don't scientists ever get elected? Where are all the REGULAR CITIZENS who aren't in the lawyer clique? Hellooo.... Trusting "YOUR" Party is simply naive. Vilifying the other party (and your friends who belong to that party) is just as naive. Stop FOLLOWING and start Paying Attention, for real. When is the last time you read an entire bill all the way to the end, and completely understood everything in it? Do you know the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence by heart? When is the last time you read it? Do you know WHY they were written, and why each item was written? How much history of each party do you actually know? Stop FOLLOWING and start Paying Attention. THEY ALL WORK FOR ME, THEY ALL WORK FOR YOU. ALL of them, regardless of their Party affiliation. And WE are ALL CITIZENS, EQUALLY, regardless of our Party affiliation.

alliesinselfadvocacy.org

Stop FOLLOWING. Stop VILIFYING. Stop DEMONIZING. Stop raising them up on pedestals. Politicans are just PEOPLE who WORK FOR US, the CITIZENS of this country, and WE are "THE PEOPLE", ALL OF US, TOGETHER.

Better Than YOU, One-Upmanship, Identity

Do you know people who live in "One Up- Land"?


They're always on the lookout for things someone they know has done "wrong", and are always looking for ways to be "right". They have a hard time just BEING.


They're always on the lookout for someone to compare themselves to.

 

If they go for a hike, they are a better hiker than someone else.

If they talk about the weather, they know more about what's going to happen (every time, regardless of whether they actually know or not).

Their car is better, faster, cleaner, bigger, or more fuel efficient.

Their shoes, clothes or hair can't just be good for THEM, or what they personally LIKE, they have to be BETTER than someone else's in order to be good enough.

They can't just do their job well, they have to find someone they are better- than at their job, and if they can't, they will resort to other comparisons between themselves and their coworkers in order to feel okay.

They can't just be a good musician and enjoy singing or playing, and be grateful that they are doing something they love, they have to be seen as BETTER THAN someone else, and may sabotage another musician who intimidates them.

They can't just feel like they are good-looking enough, they have to compete with anyone who others might find attractive, and may try to destroy the reputation of anyone they think is better-looking (destroying the "attractiveness" of that person to others).

They can't have a discussion and just listen to other's points of view, experiences, or opinions, they have to have someone who is RIGHT and someone who is WRONG. (This is why they will argue with a person who is giving an account of their OWN experiences.)

They can't just follow, embrace, or learn about their own spiritual or religious beliefs, they have to be MORE spiritual or MORE religious, or MORE pious, or MORE in touch with God (or Gaia, or Aleister Crowley...) than someone else.

They can't just be interested in certain topics and subjects, they have to be seen as MORE interested, or MORE intellectually gifted THAN someone else.

Everything can only be "good" if it's BETTER than someone else.

Everything is in the context of playing KING OF THE HILL, or winning a game, or gaining territory.

They seem to believe that everyone else thinks and lives this way as well.

It's just a developmental delay; when children display this, we aren't surprised, and call it "immaturity". The child is seeking identity, a way to be SEEN as something or someone specific. "The Toughest Kid", "The Smart Kid", "The Expert ...." "The Most Beautiful", "The Leader", "The Lone Wolf", "The Powerful One", etc. All of these identities are in the world all around the child, and children SEE that adults DO GIVE people with these labels extra respect. So, of course they are going to believe that's how one gets respect and attention. IT'S TRUE, in the general superficial world at large, unfortunately. But the identities are hollow, they're just LABELS. Children don't know this, they're children. And if they are surrounded by adults who think those LABELS are real Identity as well, they will have a hard time developing a REAL INNER SELF, they will keep thinking that those superficial labels ARE "Who A Person IS".

Like a snail who puts all of its growth energy into its shell, but very little into its actual BODY. The shell might end up big and beautiful, but the snail itself will not be healthy or strong, and won't be able to handle carrying it around. Believing that its shell is the only thing that's important, it will keep diverting energy there, and the shell will just get heavier and heavier, and the snail will get less and less healthy.

Adults must guide children to learn where HEALTHY identity comes from, and HEALTHY self-confidence.
A person who is ACTUALLY an "expert" doesn't need to have that as an identity, and will not lose their expertise when another expert shows up. The only reason they are an "expert" is because they were interested in a subject, and learned a lot about it because of their interest.
Another person being good at something does not diminish or delete our own talent or skill.
Another person being good-looking doesn't suddenly turn us ugly or unacceptable.

(If we DO find that we are surrounded by people who abandon us or put us down every time someone else shows up that's talented, skilled, or good-looking, the problem is THEM; they lack integrity and loyalty, and are not genuine; we need to find new friends.)

Healthy competition is good, and fun, and is ALWAYS done in good spirit. If it's not fun, if the humor has left, if it's taken seriously, if it's in arrogance or mean-spirited, if people are being assigned "VALUE" over one another, then it's not healthy anymore.





When children display these One-Upmanship behaviors, we call it "immaturity".

When adults display this, we still call it "immaturity".

Feeling Trapped

Feeling trapped in one's situation, in one's "station" in life, in one's JOB, in one's TOWN, in one's "lot in life",  are symptoms of Narcissistic abuse and oppression.

• I'll never be anything more than _________.
• I am trapped in this job, I can't quit, I won't be able to make it.
• I will always be broke and struggling.
• I could never be one of those happy people.
• I am afraid to leave this relationship, home, or town, and be alone.
• I am afraid to make changes in my life, things will just be worse.
• Things will not get better for me, I just keep getting older.
• There's nothing I can do. 
• I am too overwhelmed to help anyone else.
• No one truly cares about me, and I doubt anyone ever will.
• If only I could win the Lottery, I will have a good life. If I could have enough money, I would make everything better.

 
These are all signs that we have been influenced by someone with Narcissism traits or the actual disorder, or are currently being influenced, or both. Typically there is more than one involved, which  helps to mask the behavior and treatment, and make it seem "normal".

Believe it or not, we can make the changes to make our lives better. We don't have to win the Lottery to do that, and that might be hard to hear, but it's real. Think about it~ if the only way you could be happy is if you won a huge amount of money, that means you feel an urgent need to escape. Escape what, exactly, and why is it so difficult to make things better where you're already standing? There's a real reason for that. The first step is simply looking at where we are standing, and what is really going on around us. It's not hard to spot Narcissism once we read some descriptions of it, and once we know what's going on, we won't be bamboozled by it anymore. Awareness is, literally, power.

Some good websites on Narcissism and healing:

http://www.winning-teams.com/recognizenarcissist.html

 http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

 http://www.narcissismcured.com/

  http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=ts&fref=ts

 https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sanctuary-For-Awareness-And-Recovery/288544867923285?ref=hl

Narcissism Looks Like This

The single biggest difference between a Narcissist and a Non-Narcissist is how worried they are about BEING a Narcissist. A person who is afflicted will dismiss the concept altogether, as if it's Poppycock... or, dismiss the idea that they could have it... or, completely deny having it... or, dismiss, vilify, oppose and devalue anyone who talks about the disorder or supports abuse victims. (A Narcissist also may devalue abuse victims/targets in general. This contributes to their denial issues, since most Narcissists were actually victims of some form of abuse at some point.)

If a Narcissist sees a list of traits, they will pick through them and find the ones that don't apply, and use those as evidence that they are NOT "Narcissists".
A NON-Narcissist will read the same list, and recognizing a couple in themselves, will immediately feel a twinge of worry that they have the disorder, and worry about what kind of problems they have been causing or how they have hurt others.
A list of Narcissism traits, if he or she reads it at all, will invoke emotions like annoyance, defensiveness, or anger for a person with Narcissism.

Narcissists rarely go to therapy for any reason at all; they won't go to help themselves, and they will rarely go for or about someone else. They don't care about the afflictions of others, they don't try to learn about them, they don't try to understand them, they don't have any interest in helping them heal. The only reason a Narcissist will go to therapy is to get a counselor to agree with them about what's wrong with another person, and to try to get the counselor to agree that they are a victim of this person, and that this person is truly the "problem" in everyone's lives. They can't conceive that there is more than one person involved who is contributing to the issues and problems, the "blame" has to lie squarely on one person's shoulders, and NOT on their own, at all. They have to remain blame-free at all costs in their own minds.

 Another excellent website, with traits and tests : How To Recognize A Narcissist

Paranoia: Your Boundaries, Your House

An increased level of Paranoia can be a symptom of Narcissistic abuse. It can be a symptom of just being around Narcissists for any length of time as well. Most people tend to forget that "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you" is actually true. When we start to lose our confidence in our instincts about our own safety, we can become paranoid because our natural boundaries "alerts" aren't working well. When we trust our ability to DISCERN whether a person is neutral, benevolent or malevolent, we have no need for extra suspicion.

We don't normally assume someone is doing something to betray or hurt us with very little evidence, because we don't have fear that we'll be tricked. BUT when we keep having to deal with specific people who DO try to trick us, of course our level of suspicion is going to increase. When we keep having to deal with specific people who treat us like we're naive, stupid, or below them in some way, of course we will increase our suspicion levels. When we betrayed over and over, when we are disrespected repeatedly, when we are lied to, stolen from, ridiculed, or backstabbed over and over, our natural, NORMAL response would be to increase our level of vigilance, raise our boundaries, and be more watchful and suspicious.

This turns into "paranoia" when we find that we have lost trust and confidence in our OWN abilities to keep ourselves safe.

Our boundaries are our natural borders, the "lines" that keep ourselves within ourselves, and keeps the rest of the world OUTSIDE. We are who we are, and we know this when we have healthy boundaries. Other people are who THEY are, and we know this, too. We are like houses unto ourselves; what is within our house walls is safely inside. What is outside is clearly outside, and not inside. We can open the doors and windows when we so choose, but we can CLOSE them when we so choose as well; we are the sole proprietors, the owner, the person in charge. WE ALONE are in charge of when those doors or windows open and close, and what we have indoors. Everything inside our house is ours alone, and we are completely in charge of all of it. No one else is, no one. When we want to invite someone "in", we decide if they are allowed only in the yard, or on the porch. Someone we feel comfortable with because they have shown they are trustworthy, we might let in to the foyer. Someone else we trust we might invite to sit in the parlor for tea. A person we really trust because they have EARNED our trust over time and with their actions, we might invite in to spend time with us.

When we deal with people who don't RESPECT our natural, personal boundaries, they cross our lines.
Using our House picture, a person who doesn't respect our boundaries does things like bang on the door, or keep ringing the bell.

They may walk in without being invited, or being let in.

They may pick locks, or climb through windows.

They may act like they are trustworthy enough so that we let them in willingly, and then rob us when we're not looking.

They may come in and insult our furniture, our decor, the way we keep our things, the way we clean or don't clean.

They may come in and insult and criticize the work or projects we have going on.

They may try to rearrange our furniture, or try to tell us we should remodel the kitchen.

They may try to dictate what kinds of pets we should have, or not have.

They may come in, only to verbally or physically abuse us.

They may refuse to leave.

They may try to convince us that we should MOVE OUT of our OWN HOUSE, give it up, leave it behind, and move in with them. They may say our house is not good enough, or safe, or well-built, and that we should not take it seriously.

They may try to convince us that THE HOUSE IS NOT REALLY OUR OWN HOUSE. That we are not the real owners. That maybe THEY are the real owners.

If they have a hard time convincing us of these things (getting us to move out, give up our House, or believe our House isn't good) and/or if they think we figured out what they were doing, they may go outside and tell all the other Homeowners in the neighborhood false things about our House, and about what we do inside, and about who we really are, so all those other Homeowners will start to stare and wonder, and start to behave like they don't want your House in their Neighborhood.

So, if we have been dealing with individuals like this who don't respect our boundaries repeatedly, then we will of course start locking our windows and doors. We will close the curtains, we will install an alarm system. We may find ourselves peeking through the blinds and the peephole at anyone who comes near us (our House).

When our level of suspicion becomes overwhelming, we may start to forget about watching each person separately, as individual people, and we may forget who we are sure we can trust. We may stop going through the process of LEARNING WHO we can trust.

We may become so overwhelmed with suspicion that we start to suspect those who ARE trustworthy, who have shown genuine  respect and care toward us. We may suspect anyone we see coming near our House. We may start to wonder anxiously what others are DOING, what they're THINKING, and WHY they do or don't do things. We may be FEARFUL that they are going to do the same things that the others did who disrespected our boundaries, and look for evidence that they have betrayed us in order to protect ourselves.

Instead of being confident that we know when to open and close our doors and windows, we stop trusting our own judgment, so we lock them all the time. Because we are overwhelmed, we stop believing in our own ability to deal with normal human interaction. We may accuse those who we formerly trusted of being traitors, even if they have done nothing of the sort. In this way, we start to close ourselves in as an effort to protect ourselves, but we don't realize that we have stopped going outside and enjoying the sunshine, and we have stopped our visits and connections with others that were a large part of our happiness.

In order to heal ourselves so we can feel safe, secure, and "normal" again, we need to look to ourselves first. It is helpful to fact-check ourselves, our beliefs, and the actual course of events. Did we create a story about someone that's not true, just to feel right about our suspicious feelings? Are we going over the actual events, re-reading emails, messages, and letters? Are we able to speak directly to the person we're accusing of betrayal, or are we just trying to make ourselves feel strong and safe by bullying them and accusing them?
Do we really want to drive this person away? Or are we seeing how far we can push them? What happens if we push them too far? Why aren't we thinking about how our accusations are affecting or hurting them?
It can help tremendously to go over events carefully from all the different people in our lives. When we become overwhelmed, it's normal for us to need to ground ourselves by objectively reviewing what is really, truly happening, and what has really actually happened.

Our own ability to interact safely and respectfully with others is the key to healing. Being confident that we are the true sole proprietors of our own House, and that we only let in who we want to let in, not who comes banging at the door, or lays on the doorbell, or demands to be let in. Certainly not who tries to get the neighborhood to go along with turning on us. Certainly not who picks the locks or climbs through windows. And we can and should and DO kick out whoever we let in, who bullies us, insults us, or takes our things. We SHOULD NOT try to harm them in any way, ever, and if we need help kicking them out, we should find someone to help us right away. When we feel confident again in our own ability to DEAL WITH ACTUAL trespassers, the right way, we will once again feel confident in our ability to decide who to trust, and how far to let them in.  

Arrogant Therapists and Counselors

"I can see how it happens, how you go from wanting to help others to believing that you are gifted. I have had the privilege of seeing many awe inspiring therapists at work. Their abilities have been absolutely amazing to witness. When a client starts to see positive results based on their treatments, they don't just pay you, they refer others and generally offer praise. If you are not a well grounded individual this can, unfortunately, lead to arrogance."

I concur. Arrogance equals sloppiness and an inability to take in information, especially in human services fields.

Click to read: The Arrogant Therapist

Defensiveness and Innocence

Defensiveness and Innocence

(please do note that the male pronouns used in this article can  be interchanged with female pronouns when the subject is female)

Remember that when we are defense mode, we aren't thinking much about how the other person feels. If we have PTSD from abuse and we feel defensive, we may jump to fight or flight quite easily, and there is not much awareness about what we're doing to the person we're defending ourselves against in fight or flight.

To picture this quickly, if one imagines being chased and cornered by a mountain lion, one's fight-or-flight instincts take over as an automatic brain function. Even the zoologist who is studying the mountain lion will block out his affection for the cat in order to survive. Whatever the cornered person can defend himself with, a stone, a branch, a flashlight, anything, that's what the person will use. Survival is the subconscious's goal when it's completely in fight or flight. The zoologist may remain hopeful that he can scare the cat away, but if the cat keeps trying to get him, he will continue to defend himself whatever way he can. The more the cat tries to get him, the less and less empathy he will be able to hold on to, and the more his fight or flight will take over.

Children who grow up in abusive environments, whether it's from parents, siblings, or others in the area can develop a hair-trigger defensive reaction when they feel any threat. We all knew the kid who had a reputation for flying into a rage and beating up anyone who crossed him;  he may have developed that reaction because he was a target first. (As a child I did always wonder why no one was helping those kids, as an adult I know the answer; hardly anyone cared enough to help, hardly anyone had a clue, and hardly anyone had the guts to stand up to abusive adults, or help one parent get away from the other with the children. Those who did care or try to help could be crushed under the political weight and threats of those who did not.)

 I have known more than one person, like those kids, who was quite proud of their hair-trigger-rage reputation, "I see red, and I can't be responsible for what I do, I can't help myself". The reason every one of those ragers proclaimed this hair-trigger instead of getting help for it was because it gave them something; it served them. It gave them a "bad-ass" reputation so those who had hurt them would be afraid of them (since that's all bullies seem to understand, is who to fear and who they can bully). That same reputation warded off new bullies from hurting them. That reputation also gave them a "warning sticker" on their heads just in case they did have a tantrum and didn't control themselves, people are usually easier on the "crazy guy who can't control himself" for acting that way than a person who has a "Mr. Normal" reputation. ("Mr. or Mrs. Normal" goes to jail, "crazy guy or gal with a hard life" gets put in the psyche ward or released.)

One of the beliefs all these ragers had in common was their belief in their own innocence. They really believed that if someone upset them enough to "make them see red", that they were not responsible or accountable for their actions after that. They believed that because their emotional reaction was so strong, that they could not be held accountable for what they did, and that the person who "caused" them to "see red" was the one responsible for the entire course of events.

They were all stuck in childhood, at the time in their life when they were being targeted by bigger and older people. The child who is being bullied or abused is of course innocent. But because of the intense emotional trauma at the time of these events, the child kept that feeling of being the innocent one defending himself, and made it part of his identity. Not purposely, perhaps, but subconsciously.

As the child grew up, he (or she) kept that identity of "the innocent being bullied" as a protective measure. Most ragers would deny to the death being a "victim", or having "victim mentality", but that's still because they have internalized the "innocent" identity, and they believe that having a 'victim mentality" means a person is weak and manipulative, (because that's what bullies/narcissists TOLD them, in order to brainwash them from telling on them.)

When a person has internalized the "innocent being bullied" identity from past trauma, they can be completely convinced that any time they FEEL something coming from someone else, they are being attacked. Anything that feels like a demand, a command, an insult, an accusation, a humiliation, or a burden on them can trigger their feeling of being bullied or abused, and they can become instantly defensive, and STAY defensive, and stay in the belief that they must defend themselves.

When a person truly believes they are defending themselves against a real threat, their ability to empathize is severely hampered, and even turned off completely. Like a child throwing a pet hamster across the room when it nips his finger, completely disregarding the hamster's life and safety. Some children would not ever do that, but many would~ The ones who WOULD do that often get taught inadvertently that they will not receive consequences for harming the hamster because the hamster bit first. This can lead, obviously, to a skewed belief that "as long as I'm defending myself, I am innocent, and I deserve no consequences for what I do in my defense, and whatever I do is okay." 

To further this, many children who develop this belief also eventually develop methods to magnify and capitalize on being the "innocent one", and it can work well in families with dysfunction and abuse. They may not realize they're doing it, or they may be aware of it on some level, but they usually don't consciously think about it much intellectually, they just keep doing it and testing it, and doing it more.

So the child can end up being the biggest bully in school and get away with it because they have honed their "innocent one" methods so well. In the closed system of a family or school, even sometimes the local community, this child can continue the behavior unchecked for years, because the people are USED TO the same things within the system. But when the child grows up and goes out into the world, or meets people who are not from the local collective, the child will have a hard time with the social interaction skills required to communicate effectively and respectfully, and will probably expect to continue to get away with his "I'm the innocent one" method whenever his behavior is questioned, or when he crosses lines and boundaries.

(Many celebrities have made headlines because of their expectations of being seen as the "innocent in defense of him/herself" when their behavior was clearly abusive and out of line. Even the glare of a world-sized spotlight didn't cause them to stop and think about their actions BEFORE they did it, and since most of them repeated their behavior again, apparently it didn't cause them to think about it AFTER they did it either.)

The consequences of this internalization of being the 'innocent one being bullied" can be far-reaching, and affect many people in the person's life, as well as the person themselves. It can be stopped in it's tracks if it's recognized by the person, and the right combination of healing, therapy and support can lead to recovery, but the first step is the recognition, and the willingness to learn about it.


written by M.M.Black

Objective Opinion...

There is a common perception problem in humans that seems to be getting worse.

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That problem is believing one's opinion is "objective reality".

In other words, believing that a pretty flower is pretty, period, like it's a fact. Water is liquid, that flower is pretty... When something is "pretty" or "not pretty", it's a personal opinion, not FACT. You could think roses are beautiful, someone else could think they're boring, blase, weird. Neither is "right", because that is not what a FACT is. The rose is a flower, that's a fact. The rose is red, or yellow, or white. Those are not opinions, those are facts. The rose is beautiful is NOT a fact, it's an opinion.

Just like chocolate; some people love it, some people could care less, some people don't like it. Because chocolate is not YUMMY as a FACT, it's YUMMY ONLY to people who find it yummy.

The woman who everyone keeps saying is beautiful is not objectively beautiful; she herself might even find herself unattractive. There are many, many people who will not find her attractive, and there will be many who think she's downright ugly or weird looking. So, being envious of her is just dumb. Same with men. Same with EVERYTHING. The jacket that guy is wearing is "awful" to YOU, but not to EVERYONE. It's not a FACT, it's your personal opinion, that's it. His hair is horrible to you, to someone else it's very attractive. The song you hate is loved by others, the song you love is ignored by many because they don't LIKE it. The singer you think sounds like a dying cat is awful TO YOU, it's your opinion, someone else obviously loves the sound of that singer's voice or they wouldn't be on the radio. It's resonating with someone, just like your favorite singer resonates with you.

BOUNDARIES and DISCERNMENT, two things essential for intelligent Civilization that seem to have been systematically destroyed by ignorance.  

Why The World Tends To Suck

It's just math. If one can understand basic physics, one can understand human interaction dynamics. Why one community, group, business, organization, family, or relationship thrives, and why another one breaks down, falls apart.

Good relationship and community: Everyone is Royalty, everyone is enthusiastically supported, cheered for, protected and cared for by everyone else. Feelings that predominate are curiosity, enthusiasm, hope, joy, contentment, concern for others, confidence, peace of mind, camaraderie, and love.

Bad relationship and community: Royalty elects themselves, and decides who is not worthy of a seat at the Royal table, and who is. Royalty also elects themselves judge and jury, and sees their opinions as facts, and cannot discern between the two. Feelings that predominate are envy, resentment, judgment, anxiety, fear, jealousy, shame, supremacy, lust, greed, hate, and desire to control. Royalty would rather exact "punishment" than figure out solutions, because it feels like power. Royalty has interest only in their own well-being, and will take whatever they need in order to feel satiated.

"Good" here implies a system that can freely expand, progress, and grow, that remains balanced, which provides every person with opportunity to build upon their own talents and aspirations.

"Bad" here implies a system revolving around a black hole that cannot expand, that is completely out of balance, and that will destroy its own resources and eventually implode.

Only people who can understand basic physics would see why the balance is important. And out of those people, only those who are able to put the balance ahead of their own ego issues really get it. In other words, a physics genius who thinks himself superior, or another inferior, still won't be able to grasp the concept; but a person with an average or lower IQ who can intuitively understand why a seesaw works, or why the planets revolve around the sun, who sees that every person has the same importance as everyone else, will be able to grasp the concept easily. .
Obviously a physics genius who does not have a superiority complex can most easily grasp the concept, it's all about balance and maintenance.