Anxiety Trigger, Depression, Control
One of the main emotional mind-twisters that happens to those who have been in any type of relationship with controllers, abusers, and/or narcissistic people is that when they're happy, you are not. When you're happy, they are not.
Your happiness triggers their control behavior.
This means that anytime you (the target) are doing something, planning something, or experiencing something that brings you joy or confidence, they (the controller) will feel something "negative" such as annoyance, arrogance, jealousy, envy, anxiety, fear, or even the compulsion to stop your activity or feelings, like a cat putting a paw on a skittering mouse (simple compulsion). They follow their emotional reaction with a behavioral action.
So if they notice you go swimming, and swimming makes you happy, they will try to stop you from doing that somehow, using any number of subtle or overt tactics. They might try to shame you about wearing a bathing suit, or swimming in public, or being seen by the opposite sex. They might make it difficult for you to get a ride to the swimming area. They might find tasks for you to do when you plan to go swimming. They might invite themselves along, not to join you or just hang out, which would be healthy, but with the intention of disrupting your swimming experience, or diverting or destroying any human connections you might have made. They might insert their opinion and control over everything you do involving swimming, getting ready for swimming, and your aspirations or goals around swimming.
Their behavior is triggered whenever they notice you are feeling joy, confidence, or peace, because their emotions are triggered.
This leads to you, the target, developing an anxiety response that is TRIGGERED by YOUR OWN JOY, HAPPINESS, OR CONFIDENCE. After a long enough period of time, which can be very short depending on the circumstances, you will learn that when you feel positive, there will be a consequence.
When you feel joy, there will be some kind of consequence.
When you are working on something and succeeding, you will show a signal, and there will be a consequence.
When you are praised by someone or given positive attention, there will be a consequence.
When you make a friend, or connect directly to one of the controller's friends or associates, there will be a consequence.
When you go to bake a cake, fix your car, clean your room, or wash your clothes, buy groceries, repair the steps, get a haircut, get new shoes, there will be a consequence.
When you sign up for a class, or go to practice an instrument, there will a consequence.
When you have an enjoyable time with another person, regardless of who they are, there will be a consequence.
When you do something that shows your talent, insight, skill, or intelligence, there will be a consequence.
When you find something to be very funny, or very soothing, or very fascinating, there will be a consequence!
The consequence could be very big, or very small, almost imperceptible~ but nonetheless, there it is. It might be aggressive and hostile. It might be some kind of shame, silent treatment, or ridicule. It might be more about control and taking over what you're doing, perhaps treating you as if you don't really know what you're doing, or over-complimenting and focusing on you in such a way that implies that you've FINALLY done something right... or correcting and re-doing whatever you've done. There are myriad ways of giving consequences, and asserting control.
So after awhile, you can develop a trigger to your own positive feelings. When you feel good about anything, you feel anxiety. When you feel excitement, you then feel stress. When you feel confidence, you then feel shame. When you feel optimism, you then feel guilt. And so on, and so on.
A real life example:
When you realize it's time to change your oil, you start to plan whether to do it yourself or bring it to a shop, but soon your planning feels negative, and the whole task feels overwhelming. Then, whether you do it yourself or bring it to a shop, it will feel like you made the wrong choice. Whichever you end up doing, you will feel that the other would have been better, and you screwed up yet again. If however the original negative feelings grew more overwhelming, you may have instead pushed it aside completely.
The planning to change your oil gave a natural twinge of confidence. This confidence feeling, albeit small, was the trigger for the anxiety.
Pushing the task aside gives relief from the anxiety that was triggered. Avoiding the task also means avoiding the actual consequences that may occur from any controlling human (such as criticism, ridicule, control or sabotage) when you change the oil yourself, or when you deal with the people at the auto shop.
WHEN we keep pushing aside tasks because we get overwhelmed with anxiety, we can find ourselves in a pattern of stagnation and avoidance. We may find ourselves lonely, or bogged down with unfinished tasks, disorganization, or an escape addiction. We may find that we have anxiety disorders that keep us from participating in life. We can develop depression or illness.
There is but one single reason that controllers give these consequences for all these different things: when the target feels positive in any way, the controller feels compelled to stop the positive feeling. Positive feelings lead to self-confidence. Self-confidence leads to decision-making. Decision-making leads to success, which reinforces self-confidence. Strong self-confidence leads to independence.
In a controller's emotional processing, independent people leave. Independent people might abandon. Independent people might hurt or betray. Independent people may take away resources and company. Independent people might have more power than the controller, and that either angers them or scares them, depending on the individual. (Different controllers have different underlying agendas; some are quite dangerous, see NPD, or psychopath, but others are not actually dangerous, they just don't know any other way to interact or manage their emotions.)
The other side of this coin is that when the controller is happy, it is usually because he or she is in control. Control feels good to them. That means you are not in control of the situation at that time. The controller can not do things with you, in an equally shared experience. They cannot and will not follow your lead.
They may pretend to, but they won't really do it; they'll keep doing little things to rebel, whether you can see them or not. They can not wrap their minds around true "WE", because they arrange everyone in their minds as either "lower" or "higher", as "leader" or "follower", as "teacher" or "student", as "expert" or "novice".
They can't be your classmate, they have to be your teacher.
They can't be your friend, they have to be your leader.
They will "follow" someone who they have labeled "Above" themselves, but that's probably not you. You are relegated to "Below" status, because you don't meet the requirements in their mind of being a person who is "Above". You can only be one, "Below" or "Above". There is no "equal".
Therefore, they can not be happy unless YOU ARE FOLLOWING, and THEY ARE LEADING.
SO, you are probably not relaxed when they are happy, because when they are happy, they feel they are in control over you. Their happiness is tied directly to you, your actions, reactions, and behavior. Also, you know it will end shortly. Their happiness means "uh oh" to your subconscious; you wait for the other shoe to drop.
The reasons behind the controller's triggers can vary widely, and are usually based in past emotional hardship such as childhood abandonment, trauma, the death of a parent, an abusive family member, having to take care of others or work too much during formative years, or being exposed to adults who behaved in these ways.
In summation, the important point of all of this is that we can develop an anxiety and negativity response that is triggered by our own feelings of confidence, joy, hope, happiness, excitement, and friendship connections. This can be healed, of course, with some effort and focus, after awareness has taken place.
M.M.Black
2013
Your happiness triggers their control behavior.
This means that anytime you (the target) are doing something, planning something, or experiencing something that brings you joy or confidence, they (the controller) will feel something "negative" such as annoyance, arrogance, jealousy, envy, anxiety, fear, or even the compulsion to stop your activity or feelings, like a cat putting a paw on a skittering mouse (simple compulsion). They follow their emotional reaction with a behavioral action.
So if they notice you go swimming, and swimming makes you happy, they will try to stop you from doing that somehow, using any number of subtle or overt tactics. They might try to shame you about wearing a bathing suit, or swimming in public, or being seen by the opposite sex. They might make it difficult for you to get a ride to the swimming area. They might find tasks for you to do when you plan to go swimming. They might invite themselves along, not to join you or just hang out, which would be healthy, but with the intention of disrupting your swimming experience, or diverting or destroying any human connections you might have made. They might insert their opinion and control over everything you do involving swimming, getting ready for swimming, and your aspirations or goals around swimming.
Their behavior is triggered whenever they notice you are feeling joy, confidence, or peace, because their emotions are triggered.
This leads to you, the target, developing an anxiety response that is TRIGGERED by YOUR OWN JOY, HAPPINESS, OR CONFIDENCE. After a long enough period of time, which can be very short depending on the circumstances, you will learn that when you feel positive, there will be a consequence.
When you feel joy, there will be some kind of consequence.
When you are working on something and succeeding, you will show a signal, and there will be a consequence.
When you are praised by someone or given positive attention, there will be a consequence.
When you make a friend, or connect directly to one of the controller's friends or associates, there will be a consequence.
When you go to bake a cake, fix your car, clean your room, or wash your clothes, buy groceries, repair the steps, get a haircut, get new shoes, there will be a consequence.
When you sign up for a class, or go to practice an instrument, there will a consequence.
When you have an enjoyable time with another person, regardless of who they are, there will be a consequence.
When you do something that shows your talent, insight, skill, or intelligence, there will be a consequence.
When you find something to be very funny, or very soothing, or very fascinating, there will be a consequence!
The consequence could be very big, or very small, almost imperceptible~ but nonetheless, there it is. It might be aggressive and hostile. It might be some kind of shame, silent treatment, or ridicule. It might be more about control and taking over what you're doing, perhaps treating you as if you don't really know what you're doing, or over-complimenting and focusing on you in such a way that implies that you've FINALLY done something right... or correcting and re-doing whatever you've done. There are myriad ways of giving consequences, and asserting control.
So after awhile, you can develop a trigger to your own positive feelings. When you feel good about anything, you feel anxiety. When you feel excitement, you then feel stress. When you feel confidence, you then feel shame. When you feel optimism, you then feel guilt. And so on, and so on.
A real life example:
When you realize it's time to change your oil, you start to plan whether to do it yourself or bring it to a shop, but soon your planning feels negative, and the whole task feels overwhelming. Then, whether you do it yourself or bring it to a shop, it will feel like you made the wrong choice. Whichever you end up doing, you will feel that the other would have been better, and you screwed up yet again. If however the original negative feelings grew more overwhelming, you may have instead pushed it aside completely.
The planning to change your oil gave a natural twinge of confidence. This confidence feeling, albeit small, was the trigger for the anxiety.
Pushing the task aside gives relief from the anxiety that was triggered. Avoiding the task also means avoiding the actual consequences that may occur from any controlling human (such as criticism, ridicule, control or sabotage) when you change the oil yourself, or when you deal with the people at the auto shop.
WHEN we keep pushing aside tasks because we get overwhelmed with anxiety, we can find ourselves in a pattern of stagnation and avoidance. We may find ourselves lonely, or bogged down with unfinished tasks, disorganization, or an escape addiction. We may find that we have anxiety disorders that keep us from participating in life. We can develop depression or illness.
WHY DO THEY DO THIS?
There is but one single reason that controllers give these consequences for all these different things: when the target feels positive in any way, the controller feels compelled to stop the positive feeling. Positive feelings lead to self-confidence. Self-confidence leads to decision-making. Decision-making leads to success, which reinforces self-confidence. Strong self-confidence leads to independence.
In a controller's emotional processing, independent people leave. Independent people might abandon. Independent people might hurt or betray. Independent people may take away resources and company. Independent people might have more power than the controller, and that either angers them or scares them, depending on the individual. (Different controllers have different underlying agendas; some are quite dangerous, see NPD, or psychopath, but others are not actually dangerous, they just don't know any other way to interact or manage their emotions.)
The other side of this coin is that when the controller is happy, it is usually because he or she is in control. Control feels good to them. That means you are not in control of the situation at that time. The controller can not do things with you, in an equally shared experience. They cannot and will not follow your lead.
They may pretend to, but they won't really do it; they'll keep doing little things to rebel, whether you can see them or not. They can not wrap their minds around true "WE", because they arrange everyone in their minds as either "lower" or "higher", as "leader" or "follower", as "teacher" or "student", as "expert" or "novice".
They can't be your classmate, they have to be your teacher.
They can't be your friend, they have to be your leader.
They will "follow" someone who they have labeled "Above" themselves, but that's probably not you. You are relegated to "Below" status, because you don't meet the requirements in their mind of being a person who is "Above". You can only be one, "Below" or "Above". There is no "equal".
Therefore, they can not be happy unless YOU ARE FOLLOWING, and THEY ARE LEADING.
SO, you are probably not relaxed when they are happy, because when they are happy, they feel they are in control over you. Their happiness is tied directly to you, your actions, reactions, and behavior. Also, you know it will end shortly. Their happiness means "uh oh" to your subconscious; you wait for the other shoe to drop.
The reasons behind the controller's triggers can vary widely, and are usually based in past emotional hardship such as childhood abandonment, trauma, the death of a parent, an abusive family member, having to take care of others or work too much during formative years, or being exposed to adults who behaved in these ways.
In summation, the important point of all of this is that we can develop an anxiety and negativity response that is triggered by our own feelings of confidence, joy, hope, happiness, excitement, and friendship connections. This can be healed, of course, with some effort and focus, after awareness has taken place.
M.M.Black
2013
Identity, Control, Anger and Pain
An interesting trait that some controllers
display~ "spurning" people who empathize or relate with them, especially
with their pain or anger.
>>> "You can't possibly know what it's like to feel my pain, or have any idea what I've been through, you're not as cool/tough/good/strong/
Instead of feeling validated by someone showing support, or relief that someone has con...nected with them or understands where they're coming from, they instead reject and "rebel against" the person. This can possibly come from a long period of dealing with an abusive or neglectful situation when the person felt completely alone and uncared for; in order to survive, the person may have internalized their painful experiences and made them a part of their identity, of "who they are".
Like a professor who has internalized his position of "leader" and "smartest/most experienced person in the room"; instead of embracing a person who is also very smart with common interests and similar talent as a "kindred spirit", the professor will REJECT that person, and feel like he is being challenged and competed with. He has made "smart professor of (whatever subject)" his IDENTITY, and has forgotten that "smart professor" is just a description. If he gets fired or laid off, who is he then? If he has to take medication that clouds his intellect, who is he then? Because he has made his identity all about "smart professor", he has set himself up to have to defend this identity in order to feel like he really exists in the world. When someone shows up who shares this description of "smart professor", he feels like he is losing his "Uniqueness", and will rail against this new person.
So it is with the person who has identified him or herself as "a person who has gone through pain". They have forgotten their true identity as themselves, the original soul, spirit, and child who came into this world, and have added this "person who has gone through pain" to it. There is no blame or shame about it, it's not something terrible that they have done, it just makes it more difficult for them to heal. Rejecting, dismissing, and devaluing anyone who would actually be a kindred spirit means they are shutting out validation, camaraderie and learning. But that is the part of the path they're on; if they can find healing to build their healthy boundaries back up and feel safe again, they will be able to make those connections and heal faster.
>>> "You can't possibly know what it's like to feel my pain, or have any idea what I've been through, you're not as cool/tough/good/strong/
Instead of feeling validated by someone showing support, or relief that someone has con...nected with them or understands where they're coming from, they instead reject and "rebel against" the person. This can possibly come from a long period of dealing with an abusive or neglectful situation when the person felt completely alone and uncared for; in order to survive, the person may have internalized their painful experiences and made them a part of their identity, of "who they are".
Like a professor who has internalized his position of "leader" and "smartest/most experienced person in the room"; instead of embracing a person who is also very smart with common interests and similar talent as a "kindred spirit", the professor will REJECT that person, and feel like he is being challenged and competed with. He has made "smart professor of (whatever subject)" his IDENTITY, and has forgotten that "smart professor" is just a description. If he gets fired or laid off, who is he then? If he has to take medication that clouds his intellect, who is he then? Because he has made his identity all about "smart professor", he has set himself up to have to defend this identity in order to feel like he really exists in the world. When someone shows up who shares this description of "smart professor", he feels like he is losing his "Uniqueness", and will rail against this new person.
So it is with the person who has identified him or herself as "a person who has gone through pain". They have forgotten their true identity as themselves, the original soul, spirit, and child who came into this world, and have added this "person who has gone through pain" to it. There is no blame or shame about it, it's not something terrible that they have done, it just makes it more difficult for them to heal. Rejecting, dismissing, and devaluing anyone who would actually be a kindred spirit means they are shutting out validation, camaraderie and learning. But that is the part of the path they're on; if they can find healing to build their healthy boundaries back up and feel safe again, they will be able to make those connections and heal faster.
Narcissism Behaviors That Wear Us Down Slowly
Some more subtle narcissistic behaviors that will wear you down to a nub if they are coming from people you're around frequently:
>Negative comments. Often veiled as observation, or tacked on the end of a positive comment. "She looks like a confident young woman! That dress is awful, though." "You look nice, let me fix your hair." "You sounded great up there! You should hold your microphone up higher, and smile more."
>Constant conversation steering, back to themselves, not as an empathy validation, like "I've been through that too, I can relate~"(and then tell why and how, and then back to the original topic)" but as a full u-turn, where the conversation never goes back to your experience or observation.
(You): "I was in the hospital last week, they had to remove my head and sew it back on..."
(Them): "My friend's uncle had that done last year! He was 67 at the time, he's never been married, so you know it was hard not having anyone to help him, he had to drive himself to and from the hospital, he has two dogs so my friend's cousin had to take care of the dogs and .... ...."
>Always manipulating plans; yours, mine, and ours. There is never a day when someone says "Hey let's go get pizza" and they say "Okay". There has to be complications, rescheduling, and hopefully, someone will become anxious. There is never a day that was planned ahead that everyone simply does what the plan was. There is never a celebration, party, or gathering that does not include bullying, rudeness, crisis, or anger. (The bullies always blame the target for "creating drama" after they have bullied the target, either directly or indirectly, enough to provoke an emotional response.)
> Frequent streams of complaints, critiques, and opinions about everything and everyone, most of which are deemed objective "fact" by the talker. "The food at that restaurant was bland, but the atmosphere was good, except that it was too dark. I like the waitress, she was very nice, she seemed like a nice person, and she seemed to like me, too, and the service was excellent, but she was too heavy and too talkative...but the prices were pretty good, except that Marty had too many drinks and the drinks are too expensive~ he drinks too much. I wish he would do something with his hair, he can be a nice guy, but he gets too loud when he's telling jokes, and he's in your face with that cigar, but he's a delivery driver and..."
>Always implying that a target was doing something irresponsible, shameful, or wrong, no matter what. If the target went to the store, he or she probably bought too much, or stole something, or bought something they didn't need. If the target went to a movie, he or she probably went to that sleazy one, or probably met one of their weird friends who does drugs, or probably went with a secret boyfriend or girlfriend. If the target went to a friend's house, there was probably drinking, drugs, or bad behavior. If the target just took a drive to get away from all this and find peace, he or she probably really went somewhere "bad", like a bar, or a drug-dealer's house, or to have sex, or to waste money.
>Always implying that the target is wasting time doing whatever he or she is doing; implying that the target's work is trivial and unimportant; implying that the target doesn't really do any work; implying that the target has "always been" shiftless, lazy, and entitled, regardless of all reality, past and present.
>Constantly distracting the target, interrupting the target, and diverting the target from his or her plans, projects, tasks, and conversations with others.
>Literally putting themselves in the way of the target, standing or walking in front of them; inserting themselves verbally or physically between the target and other people the target is talking to; leaving the target out of introductions and conversations when the target is standing right there; or disappearing at public places and events so the target has to go find them.
Not all of these behaviors are necessarily conscious, planned, or diabolical. Some who display these narcissistic traits are simply acting on their triggers and emotions, and may really have little or no awareness that they're doing something destructive or dysfunctional. Some of these behaviors may have been learned in youth and have just become integrated into the person's behavioral habits. Remaining in contact with others from youth, or others who display similar behaviors, can make these behaviors seem perfectly okay and normal to those who are doing it. Just like dancing the Conga at a wedding, the more people who are participating, the less one is apt to feel anything but normal when they join in.
>Negative comments. Often veiled as observation, or tacked on the end of a positive comment. "She looks like a confident young woman! That dress is awful, though." "You look nice, let me fix your hair." "You sounded great up there! You should hold your microphone up higher, and smile more."
>Constant conversation steering, back to themselves, not as an empathy validation, like "I've been through that too, I can relate~"(and then tell why and how, and then back to the original topic)" but as a full u-turn, where the conversation never goes back to your experience or observation.
(You): "I was in the hospital last week, they had to remove my head and sew it back on..."
(Them): "My friend's uncle had that done last year! He was 67 at the time, he's never been married, so you know it was hard not having anyone to help him, he had to drive himself to and from the hospital, he has two dogs so my friend's cousin had to take care of the dogs and .... ...."
>Always manipulating plans; yours, mine, and ours. There is never a day when someone says "Hey let's go get pizza" and they say "Okay". There has to be complications, rescheduling, and hopefully, someone will become anxious. There is never a day that was planned ahead that everyone simply does what the plan was. There is never a celebration, party, or gathering that does not include bullying, rudeness, crisis, or anger. (The bullies always blame the target for "creating drama" after they have bullied the target, either directly or indirectly, enough to provoke an emotional response.)
> Frequent streams of complaints, critiques, and opinions about everything and everyone, most of which are deemed objective "fact" by the talker. "The food at that restaurant was bland, but the atmosphere was good, except that it was too dark. I like the waitress, she was very nice, she seemed like a nice person, and she seemed to like me, too, and the service was excellent, but she was too heavy and too talkative...but the prices were pretty good, except that Marty had too many drinks and the drinks are too expensive~ he drinks too much. I wish he would do something with his hair, he can be a nice guy, but he gets too loud when he's telling jokes, and he's in your face with that cigar, but he's a delivery driver and..."
>Always implying that a target was doing something irresponsible, shameful, or wrong, no matter what. If the target went to the store, he or she probably bought too much, or stole something, or bought something they didn't need. If the target went to a movie, he or she probably went to that sleazy one, or probably met one of their weird friends who does drugs, or probably went with a secret boyfriend or girlfriend. If the target went to a friend's house, there was probably drinking, drugs, or bad behavior. If the target just took a drive to get away from all this and find peace, he or she probably really went somewhere "bad", like a bar, or a drug-dealer's house, or to have sex, or to waste money.
>Always implying that the target is wasting time doing whatever he or she is doing; implying that the target's work is trivial and unimportant; implying that the target doesn't really do any work; implying that the target has "always been" shiftless, lazy, and entitled, regardless of all reality, past and present.
>Constantly distracting the target, interrupting the target, and diverting the target from his or her plans, projects, tasks, and conversations with others.
>Literally putting themselves in the way of the target, standing or walking in front of them; inserting themselves verbally or physically between the target and other people the target is talking to; leaving the target out of introductions and conversations when the target is standing right there; or disappearing at public places and events so the target has to go find them.
Not all of these behaviors are necessarily conscious, planned, or diabolical. Some who display these narcissistic traits are simply acting on their triggers and emotions, and may really have little or no awareness that they're doing something destructive or dysfunctional. Some of these behaviors may have been learned in youth and have just become integrated into the person's behavioral habits. Remaining in contact with others from youth, or others who display similar behaviors, can make these behaviors seem perfectly okay and normal to those who are doing it. Just like dancing the Conga at a wedding, the more people who are participating, the less one is apt to feel anything but normal when they join in.
Freedom In Marriage by Rick Santos Sr.
By Rick Santos Sr
Here's something I wrote a long time ago..... Hope you like it.....
Freedom In Marriage
For many, marriage is the beginning of somethings, and the end of many others. A couple thats "ready" for marriage should enter it with the sense of freedom.
It is commonly thought that "now you're tied". But it should be "now you're free". Free to be yourself, free to speak your mind, free to be quiet, free to show yourself, free to be naked, free from the anxiety of being alone behind the mask.
If we could only hold on to the feeling, " I can't get enough of you" and " what I do, I do with you in mind", and want it that way. Not that I should love, but that I do love.
And we all need time to ourselves, but it shouldn't be an escape.
If your love is a secure one, then time spent apart can be free from anxiety. As it should be. Missing him or her because you truely miss them. Not because your worried about what they're doing.
There should be freedom in marriage, but realistically, this freedom doesn't exsist in most marriages.
Insecurity is a spoiler of relationships. Especially if it exsists on both sides. It breeds so many troubles, eventually leading people to want to escape the person they once couldn't get enough of.
If a person is feeling so insecure that from the beginning they cant show their true self, they probably will doubt the feelings of love from their partner, who at this time probably only knows "the mask". Not the best foundation to start a future with someone on.... A strong enough wind can just blow it away. Or enough small breezes.
Most likely if your partner senses (and they do) that you dont trust them enough, that you can't be yourself with them, then most likely they will protectively end up doing the same and have reservations with you also. This seems to be our nature. Negative thoughts creep in..... "maybe if he/she really gets to know me, they might not except me any more". This is fear. And maybe they wont. But.... maybe they will.... embrace you.
The truth is, there can be freedom in marriage. But it takes communication, trust, honesty, understanding, compassion, and truth. All of which comes with MATURITY and being ready. Rare in this life of ours, but attainable.
Though more and more we work less and less on these things. And lets not forget the word patience.
If we refuse to put effort and time into these things, then what right do we have to complain about not recieving them. Especially if we excersise the opposite. You dont have to look too far to see that around you.
Selfishness slips in. Not self love, but a self abusing type of selfishness, tainted with an assortment of attitudes designed for protection, but usually a path to frustration.
With our guard up we may claim that we wont be controlled or "used" by the person who loves us, then place ourselves in a position to be used and abused and controlled by everything and everyone else. Usually ending up in a position we didnt bargain for.
Here's a couple of hypothetical statements: Im in love with you and would love spending my life with you. Though I need to be free to be myself.
The average person might see this as a contradiction. And in some cases it is. (most) Because in most cases people might feel their sacrificing much of their lives, sacrificing themselves to be with someone else. (you)
Perhaps some of the excitment is begining to fade, the sense of adventure dimming a bit with the onset of daily rituals. Maybe some problems begin to over shadow the good times a bit. Reality sets in, The escape begins.
To have freedom in marriage, Love MUST exsist.
I believe that marriage is something that happens between two people as the result of love, as opposed to something two people do because they think their in love.
In a marriage built on real love a couple should be able to live more freely as they choose, desiring whats best for each other naturally from the heart.
Saddly, for many this seems so unrealistic. Love so often ends up unbalanced, Opening the door to probable pain for someone.
So do we shrink back to our natural instinct to hide? Run for cover behind the mask?
I guess for us to have freedom in marriage it also takes Faith.
If we're seeking for real love and dont want to settle for less as we often do, then we also need the strength to walk away when it isnt right, so that we can find what is.....
Many relationships are good, but not right. The differance being, the good ones are good untill what ever was good about it fades and looses its attraction. And your "love" then becomes maybe 4th , 5th, or 6th ect.... on the list of whats important to you. Remember when they were # 1! Sometime we unfortunetly dont remember that.... cause maybe they never were.
The right relationship is simply worth so much and is so important that it is natural to put it first..... #1. To give it more attention than say, the car, the house, the bills, (the guy or woman down the street!). Together naturally taking care of lifes "stuff". Enjoying the good times, and suffering through the tough times together for the sake of each other. Caring for each other, to better one another.
Life is short. And finding real love in this world is saddly a rare thing. So many times we settle for less. And so many times it turns out that our lives would have been better off if we spent it alone. Often the one we settle for is what keeps us from being with the one thats right. The one we could be free with. The one with whom we better ourselves with.
Real love, not "true love".
"True love insinuates that there is "false love" or a "lesser love" which wouldn't be love at all.
There is a "Real Love or there isnt. Pure and simple. Love cares.........
Rick Santos Sr.
Originally written November, 1997
Freedom In Marriage
For many, marriage is the beginning of somethings, and the end of many others. A couple thats "ready" for marriage should enter it with the sense of freedom.
It is commonly thought that "now you're tied". But it should be "now you're free". Free to be yourself, free to speak your mind, free to be quiet, free to show yourself, free to be naked, free from the anxiety of being alone behind the mask.
If we could only hold on to the feeling, " I can't get enough of you" and " what I do, I do with you in mind", and want it that way. Not that I should love, but that I do love.
And we all need time to ourselves, but it shouldn't be an escape.
If your love is a secure one, then time spent apart can be free from anxiety. As it should be. Missing him or her because you truely miss them. Not because your worried about what they're doing.
There should be freedom in marriage, but realistically, this freedom doesn't exsist in most marriages.
Insecurity is a spoiler of relationships. Especially if it exsists on both sides. It breeds so many troubles, eventually leading people to want to escape the person they once couldn't get enough of.
If a person is feeling so insecure that from the beginning they cant show their true self, they probably will doubt the feelings of love from their partner, who at this time probably only knows "the mask". Not the best foundation to start a future with someone on.... A strong enough wind can just blow it away. Or enough small breezes.
Most likely if your partner senses (and they do) that you dont trust them enough, that you can't be yourself with them, then most likely they will protectively end up doing the same and have reservations with you also. This seems to be our nature. Negative thoughts creep in..... "maybe if he/she really gets to know me, they might not except me any more". This is fear. And maybe they wont. But.... maybe they will.... embrace you.
The truth is, there can be freedom in marriage. But it takes communication, trust, honesty, understanding, compassion, and truth. All of which comes with MATURITY and being ready. Rare in this life of ours, but attainable.
Though more and more we work less and less on these things. And lets not forget the word patience.
If we refuse to put effort and time into these things, then what right do we have to complain about not recieving them. Especially if we excersise the opposite. You dont have to look too far to see that around you.
Selfishness slips in. Not self love, but a self abusing type of selfishness, tainted with an assortment of attitudes designed for protection, but usually a path to frustration.
With our guard up we may claim that we wont be controlled or "used" by the person who loves us, then place ourselves in a position to be used and abused and controlled by everything and everyone else. Usually ending up in a position we didnt bargain for.
Here's a couple of hypothetical statements: Im in love with you and would love spending my life with you. Though I need to be free to be myself.
The average person might see this as a contradiction. And in some cases it is. (most) Because in most cases people might feel their sacrificing much of their lives, sacrificing themselves to be with someone else. (you)
Perhaps some of the excitment is begining to fade, the sense of adventure dimming a bit with the onset of daily rituals. Maybe some problems begin to over shadow the good times a bit. Reality sets in, The escape begins.
To have freedom in marriage, Love MUST exsist.
I believe that marriage is something that happens between two people as the result of love, as opposed to something two people do because they think their in love.
In a marriage built on real love a couple should be able to live more freely as they choose, desiring whats best for each other naturally from the heart.
Saddly, for many this seems so unrealistic. Love so often ends up unbalanced, Opening the door to probable pain for someone.
So do we shrink back to our natural instinct to hide? Run for cover behind the mask?
I guess for us to have freedom in marriage it also takes Faith.
If we're seeking for real love and dont want to settle for less as we often do, then we also need the strength to walk away when it isnt right, so that we can find what is.....
Many relationships are good, but not right. The differance being, the good ones are good untill what ever was good about it fades and looses its attraction. And your "love" then becomes maybe 4th , 5th, or 6th ect.... on the list of whats important to you. Remember when they were # 1! Sometime we unfortunetly dont remember that.... cause maybe they never were.
The right relationship is simply worth so much and is so important that it is natural to put it first..... #1. To give it more attention than say, the car, the house, the bills, (the guy or woman down the street!). Together naturally taking care of lifes "stuff". Enjoying the good times, and suffering through the tough times together for the sake of each other. Caring for each other, to better one another.
Life is short. And finding real love in this world is saddly a rare thing. So many times we settle for less. And so many times it turns out that our lives would have been better off if we spent it alone. Often the one we settle for is what keeps us from being with the one thats right. The one we could be free with. The one with whom we better ourselves with.
Real love, not "true love".
"True love insinuates that there is "false love" or a "lesser love" which wouldn't be love at all.
There is a "Real Love or there isnt. Pure and simple. Love cares.........
Rick Santos Sr.
Originally written November, 1997
What Am I Feeling?
Accuracy in interpreting the emotions and behavior of others is very important. Studies have shown for years that humans are not automatic experts in interpreting what other people feel, or why they do what they do, or say what they say. Even experts are not infallible at this; a degree in psychology does not make one an expert in reading others. The gift of language is an absolutely essential tool regarding communication of emotions.
There are many people who misinterpret others on a regular basis, but have no idea that they're off base. Interpreting an expression of fear or anxiety as anger, arrogance, or judgment is actually not uncommon. Interpreting a highly intelligent person who is deep in thought as unintelligent or uncomprehending is quite common as well. Facial expressions of joy are often interpreted as ignorance or naivete. Expressions of polite civility, hospitality or friendship are often very much misinterpreted as romantic gestures, flirting, fake flattery, or snootiness. Arrogance is often misconstrued as confidence, capability, and leadership, while true confidence and humility are often misinterpreted as arrogance or haughtiness.
Many humans also tend to assign emotions to certain "types" of other people. So a small woman and a large man who are expressing the exact same emotion for the same exact reason will be interpreted by this person completely differently. One may be said to be angry, and the other may be said to be frightened or frustrated, with no reality or logic-checking by the observer.
Many of us even interpret our own emotions incorrectly; this is well known in psychological studies, especially regarding people who were raised to bury or hide their emotions. They may only recognize a few emotions, and label all of their other emotions incorrectly. "Anger", "sadness", "fear" and "worry" are often the only emotions they will name, and they will call other emotions by these names as well. This can cause difficulty for the person when trying to communicate in relationships or resolve personal issues.
We can help repair this issue effectively using language; matching names for emotions with our own feelings, and talking to others about theirs as well. It is perfectly healthy to ask a friend or family member what they are feeling. The more discussion there is on the topic, like any other topic, the more we will understand it and interpret more accurately.
M.M.Black
There are many people who misinterpret others on a regular basis, but have no idea that they're off base. Interpreting an expression of fear or anxiety as anger, arrogance, or judgment is actually not uncommon. Interpreting a highly intelligent person who is deep in thought as unintelligent or uncomprehending is quite common as well. Facial expressions of joy are often interpreted as ignorance or naivete. Expressions of polite civility, hospitality or friendship are often very much misinterpreted as romantic gestures, flirting, fake flattery, or snootiness. Arrogance is often misconstrued as confidence, capability, and leadership, while true confidence and humility are often misinterpreted as arrogance or haughtiness.
Many humans also tend to assign emotions to certain "types" of other people. So a small woman and a large man who are expressing the exact same emotion for the same exact reason will be interpreted by this person completely differently. One may be said to be angry, and the other may be said to be frightened or frustrated, with no reality or logic-checking by the observer.
Many of us even interpret our own emotions incorrectly; this is well known in psychological studies, especially regarding people who were raised to bury or hide their emotions. They may only recognize a few emotions, and label all of their other emotions incorrectly. "Anger", "sadness", "fear" and "worry" are often the only emotions they will name, and they will call other emotions by these names as well. This can cause difficulty for the person when trying to communicate in relationships or resolve personal issues.
We can help repair this issue effectively using language; matching names for emotions with our own feelings, and talking to others about theirs as well. It is perfectly healthy to ask a friend or family member what they are feeling. The more discussion there is on the topic, like any other topic, the more we will understand it and interpret more accurately.
M.M.Black
Difference Between Emotions And Behavior
There is a difference between behavior and
emotion. Those who have a clear understanding of this are much better
able to make decisions and govern their actions.
When I feel angry, if I believe that my emotions and behavior are the same thing, I may act aggressively toward someone, and believe that it was my anger "making me" do it. In reality, I could have chosen to do any number of things that ...were completely different than what I did. I could have even chosen to do nothing at all.
A person in a large pick-up turns in front of me, nearly causing an accident. My emotions include anger at him, and fear because I was nearly in an accident; I could have been hurt or killed. My emotions are valid, of course, and natural, and normal. And then I feel more anger because he did something so ignorantly that could have easily resulted in my being seriously injured, and anyone else in the car, and anyone else on the road. Then I feel yet more anger because he speeds off after he does it like a spoiled brat. Also, this is the third pick-up truck in a week who has cut me off or nearly hit me. So I have a large volume of anger within me. What do I do?
I CHOOSE what to do. Will I yell and give him a gesture? Will I follow him and pull him out of the truck when he stops? Will I stop and sit there in the middle of the road so everyone else has to jack their brakes up and go around me, nearly causing another wreck myself? Will I follow him calmly and discreetly only in order to get his license plate, and then report him to the police? Will I pull over somewhere and let my anger dissipate, and just relax until I feel better, and can go about the rest of my day?
Obviously the last two choices are really the only ones that are rational, logical, and productive. All the others are me making my emotions and ego the rulers of my behavior, and not taking responsibility for myself.
So I follow this pick-up truck driver to get the license plate, right to the hospital, where she parks in front and runs around to the passenger side to carry her child who has apparently broken her leg. Now what do I feel? If I had known why she did what she did (because she wasn't thinking due to overwhelming fear and stress), I still would have felt fear and anger, but not so much anger. Since I didn't know, I assumed, and my imagination built a story that wasn't true. We do that all the time. The fact that she pulled in front of me didn't change. She did pull in front of me, and almost caused an accident. But knowing that she did it from a place of panic over her daughter, and not arrogance, changed MY perception. So the facts of the event did not change, but understanding the real reasons BEHIND the event changed MY feelings about it, and about her. That means my original feelings of anger upon anger were not even based in reality or facts. The FEAR was based on the REAL EVENT, but the anger was based on my assumptions.
If I had made the choice to pull her over, or followed her and screamed obscenities, or made gestures or threats, I would be choosing to act aggressively toward a mother who is trying to get her child to the hospital.
How would I seriously justify my behavior then? Does the whole 'game' change because her reasons for pulling in front of me were for a different reason than I thought?
My behavior, my actions, and my words are still MY CHOICE, no matter the reasons for HER actions. Mine and mine alone. I alone dictate how I treat others, and how I act, speak, and behave. If I treat someone disrespectfully, it's not because they "deserve" disrespect, it's because I CHOSE to treat them that way. If I treat someone with adulation, it's not because they "deserve" to be fawned over by me, it's because I CHOSE to threat them that way. How I act toward others is ALL ME, all the time, except in matters of actual defense against harm; and even then, we can choose how to act. How I behave is ALL ME, whatever I'm doing. If I'm changing my behavior in order to accommodate my emotions, I'm responsible for that, too.
Like if I didn't want to go to a show that I had committed to because of social anxiety; I am still responsible for all of my actions and behavior. I don't get a "free pass" for standing my friend up; my friend is not obligated or required to just be super-understanding of why I made plans with her and then just didn't show up. Importantly, being stood up may have caused her real pain and sadness. I should have tried to go, and if I absolutely couldn't, I should have called so she could adjust her plans, and then I also should have tried to make it up to her. Either way, I must accept that she might not want to make more plans with me in the future, as she is responsible to and for herself as well.
(Literally ONLY the technically insane are not responsible for their behavior, and therefore should not be walking free in society without constant supervision.)
M.M.Black
When I feel angry, if I believe that my emotions and behavior are the same thing, I may act aggressively toward someone, and believe that it was my anger "making me" do it. In reality, I could have chosen to do any number of things that ...were completely different than what I did. I could have even chosen to do nothing at all.
A person in a large pick-up turns in front of me, nearly causing an accident. My emotions include anger at him, and fear because I was nearly in an accident; I could have been hurt or killed. My emotions are valid, of course, and natural, and normal. And then I feel more anger because he did something so ignorantly that could have easily resulted in my being seriously injured, and anyone else in the car, and anyone else on the road. Then I feel yet more anger because he speeds off after he does it like a spoiled brat. Also, this is the third pick-up truck in a week who has cut me off or nearly hit me. So I have a large volume of anger within me. What do I do?
I CHOOSE what to do. Will I yell and give him a gesture? Will I follow him and pull him out of the truck when he stops? Will I stop and sit there in the middle of the road so everyone else has to jack their brakes up and go around me, nearly causing another wreck myself? Will I follow him calmly and discreetly only in order to get his license plate, and then report him to the police? Will I pull over somewhere and let my anger dissipate, and just relax until I feel better, and can go about the rest of my day?
Obviously the last two choices are really the only ones that are rational, logical, and productive. All the others are me making my emotions and ego the rulers of my behavior, and not taking responsibility for myself.
So I follow this pick-up truck driver to get the license plate, right to the hospital, where she parks in front and runs around to the passenger side to carry her child who has apparently broken her leg. Now what do I feel? If I had known why she did what she did (because she wasn't thinking due to overwhelming fear and stress), I still would have felt fear and anger, but not so much anger. Since I didn't know, I assumed, and my imagination built a story that wasn't true. We do that all the time. The fact that she pulled in front of me didn't change. She did pull in front of me, and almost caused an accident. But knowing that she did it from a place of panic over her daughter, and not arrogance, changed MY perception. So the facts of the event did not change, but understanding the real reasons BEHIND the event changed MY feelings about it, and about her. That means my original feelings of anger upon anger were not even based in reality or facts. The FEAR was based on the REAL EVENT, but the anger was based on my assumptions.
If I had made the choice to pull her over, or followed her and screamed obscenities, or made gestures or threats, I would be choosing to act aggressively toward a mother who is trying to get her child to the hospital.
How would I seriously justify my behavior then? Does the whole 'game' change because her reasons for pulling in front of me were for a different reason than I thought?
My behavior, my actions, and my words are still MY CHOICE, no matter the reasons for HER actions. Mine and mine alone. I alone dictate how I treat others, and how I act, speak, and behave. If I treat someone disrespectfully, it's not because they "deserve" disrespect, it's because I CHOSE to treat them that way. If I treat someone with adulation, it's not because they "deserve" to be fawned over by me, it's because I CHOSE to threat them that way. How I act toward others is ALL ME, all the time, except in matters of actual defense against harm; and even then, we can choose how to act. How I behave is ALL ME, whatever I'm doing. If I'm changing my behavior in order to accommodate my emotions, I'm responsible for that, too.
Like if I didn't want to go to a show that I had committed to because of social anxiety; I am still responsible for all of my actions and behavior. I don't get a "free pass" for standing my friend up; my friend is not obligated or required to just be super-understanding of why I made plans with her and then just didn't show up. Importantly, being stood up may have caused her real pain and sadness. I should have tried to go, and if I absolutely couldn't, I should have called so she could adjust her plans, and then I also should have tried to make it up to her. Either way, I must accept that she might not want to make more plans with me in the future, as she is responsible to and for herself as well.
(Literally ONLY the technically insane are not responsible for their behavior, and therefore should not be walking free in society without constant supervision.)
M.M.Black
Share Schoolhouse Rock With Young People!
Remember growing up with Schoolhouse Rock? It helped us learn in a very positive way about things kids really essential subjects. Ever wonder why such an obviously brilliant learning tool was taken off regular programming? Well, kids and young adults who got ripped off don't need to be deprived, we can just let them hear it by playing those shorts regularly so they can love them like we did, and get a deeper understanding of Freedom, Liberty, and Justice, History, Government, English Language, and an appreciation for positive, lighthearted music and the joy it brings! These things we took for granted!
Woman Are Manipulative: Advice For Men
Are women manipulative?
The "secret" is simple, and if you don't get THIS, you won't get any of it:
SOME women are manipulative!
Just like SOME MEN are manipulative, some white people are, some black people are, some brown people are. Some young people are... some older people are... Some tall people are... some short people are... some average height people are. etc, etc, etc. ad nauseum.
Reality is, there is no ONE PARAMETER for female behavior. Women are all individual people. If you want to know more about one particular woman, you need to get to KNOW HER. You will FAIL if you think you have her "figured out" just because she's female! That's insane! Every human being is an individual PERSON, that's actual reality.
You can see groups of boys and groups of men all acting in a similar way, talking like each other, dressing similarly, because they all grew up together, or are from the same area, the same family, or work together, or hang out with each other a lot. Does that make them literal CLONES? Do they each have their own thoughts, feelings, preferences, abilities, and aspirations? Or are they all just versions of one original "Male", all just slightly varied in physical appearance? Come on, use some logic!
Human beings mimic the humans they grow up around, they learn how to talk, how to dress, how to carry themselves, how to SOUND when they talk, which words to use. (That's how accents and regional dialects are created). They ALSO learn what social behavior will be ACCEPTED by the human groups they are in. If they don't act similarly to the other members in certain ways, they will not be accepted in a particular group!
Everyone knows this on a certain level, but everyone also likes to deny that it's true, probably because it's so lame.
So, the boys act like the other boys, and the girls act like the other girls. The ones who don't conform get picked on and left out. We all know this, and yet most people deny it. Interesting, isn't it?
So THEN, the girls all start to refer to boys as if they're all clones, all exactly alike, because they LOOK like they're all clones, because they're all acting and talking like each other. It doesn't help when older people add to this false assumption.
The BOYS will do the same thing; they see a group of girls all acting and talking like each other, and they think the same thing, that the girls are all CLONES, they all want the same things, they all like the same things, they're all only capable of certain "girl" things, and they're all afraid of certain things. And again, this assumption is made much worse when adults encourage it because of their own issues.
If you want to learn about the opposite sex, LET GO of your childhood assumption that the opposite sex is populated by carbon copies! It's a ridiculous notion that gets perpetuated by both male and female SEXIST NUMB SKULLS who like to teach children and young people WRONG, so they can manipulate and control them.
A HEALTHY, GOOD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS A VERY CLOSE FRIENDSHIP.
THE FRIENDSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION; WITHOUT THAT, YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A PERSON YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. YOU'RE ASSUMING YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM BECAUSE "YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT WOMEN"?!?
HOW DELUDED IS THAT?!
WHICH MEANS YOU ARE RISKING MAKING AN INTIMATE CONNECTION WITH A PERSON WHO MAY TURN OUT TO BE AN UNSTABLE HUMAN, WHO MIGHT DECIDE TO STALK YOU OR CAUSE YOU ALL KINDS OF HAVOC. THEY COULD HAVE A DISEASE, THEY COULD HAVE AN ABUSIVE MENTAL ILLNESS, THEY COULD HAVE ABUSIVE OR PSYCHOTIC FAMILY MEMBERS OR FRIENDS, THEY COULD BE A THIEF, A CON, EVEN A MURDERER. YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU NEVER GOT TO KNOW THEM AS A FRIEND FIRST, SO TECHNICALLY, IT'S YOUR FAULT IF THEY TURN OUT TO BE A NUTJOB.
So, instead of meeting someone very, very cool, who you get to know with respect, hospitality, and sharing interests and activities (just like how you would get to know another guy), who might turn out to be the best friend you ever had, you "hook up" with a human who you simply find "hot", but whom you know barely anything about. And since you ASSUME that you know SO MUCH about the opposite sex (like you took a course on a different species), you never take the TIME or make any effort to get to know this person, and build a FRIENDSHIP. A genuine friendship, like you did with your other friends. And then it falls apart, and you complain that "nice guys finish last". Give us a break. Truly "Nice Guys" don't think of women as clones of each other, they have genuine friendships with females, RECIPROCAL friendships where neither one is "the boss", and neither one is treated like some other species.
The bottom line is, if you want to understand women, you should let go of the adolescent notion that they're all just different versions of each other, and realize that they're PEOPLE, just like you are. Some of them are JERKS, some of them are manipulative, some of them are judgmental, just like men. Some women are well-rounded, some are brilliant, some are very kind, some are averagely kind, some like to skydive, some like to garden, some love alligators and snakes and horses and dogs and cats.
MANY have been conditioned to believe that they are less than they really are, and a "Nice Guy" would be able to recognize this common occurrence in our culture, and want to be a FRIEND, and be supportive of their female friend when she attempts to gain back the self-confidence that may have been stripped from her a long time ago. (Do you seriously think that girls wouldn't be able to learn how to fix a car, install a window, or play guitar if they hadn't been purposely left out when the boys were being shown how by someone's father or uncle or older brother? Use your head. I knew a man who ate his steak raw because he was taught that men can't cook. True story.)
A NICE GUY would have zero desire to control or MANIPULATE anyone, especially a FRIEND, romantic or not. A NICE GUY would want their friend to be fully confident in their OWN SKIN, and fulfill their REAL potential, and BE HAPPY. A NICE GUY would STAND UP for their friend when they get treated with disrespect, whether that disrespect was from a store clerk, from a "friend", or from a member of their own family.
Forget all that crap that women have this ONE CENTRAL MENTALITY, that's quite whacked. Just get to KNOW people, for real, and over a period of time. Would you let a guy move into your apartment who you just met at a bar? Use your head! Would you assume your guy friend is a "bitch" because he said something you didn't like? Do you feel entitled to rule over your male friends, or PUNISH them when they don't do what you wanted them to do? Do you see your male friends as "ALL GOOD' or "ALL BAD"? Or do you see them as PEOPLE, with a million facets of personality?
It's very simple, just unlearn the insanity, and embrace true reality and logic.
The "secret" is simple, and if you don't get THIS, you won't get any of it:
SOME women are manipulative!
Just like SOME MEN are manipulative, some white people are, some black people are, some brown people are. Some young people are... some older people are... Some tall people are... some short people are... some average height people are. etc, etc, etc. ad nauseum.
Reality is, there is no ONE PARAMETER for female behavior. Women are all individual people. If you want to know more about one particular woman, you need to get to KNOW HER. You will FAIL if you think you have her "figured out" just because she's female! That's insane! Every human being is an individual PERSON, that's actual reality.
You can see groups of boys and groups of men all acting in a similar way, talking like each other, dressing similarly, because they all grew up together, or are from the same area, the same family, or work together, or hang out with each other a lot. Does that make them literal CLONES? Do they each have their own thoughts, feelings, preferences, abilities, and aspirations? Or are they all just versions of one original "Male", all just slightly varied in physical appearance? Come on, use some logic!
Human beings mimic the humans they grow up around, they learn how to talk, how to dress, how to carry themselves, how to SOUND when they talk, which words to use. (That's how accents and regional dialects are created). They ALSO learn what social behavior will be ACCEPTED by the human groups they are in. If they don't act similarly to the other members in certain ways, they will not be accepted in a particular group!
Everyone knows this on a certain level, but everyone also likes to deny that it's true, probably because it's so lame.
So, the boys act like the other boys, and the girls act like the other girls. The ones who don't conform get picked on and left out. We all know this, and yet most people deny it. Interesting, isn't it?
So THEN, the girls all start to refer to boys as if they're all clones, all exactly alike, because they LOOK like they're all clones, because they're all acting and talking like each other. It doesn't help when older people add to this false assumption.
The BOYS will do the same thing; they see a group of girls all acting and talking like each other, and they think the same thing, that the girls are all CLONES, they all want the same things, they all like the same things, they're all only capable of certain "girl" things, and they're all afraid of certain things. And again, this assumption is made much worse when adults encourage it because of their own issues.
If you want to learn about the opposite sex, LET GO of your childhood assumption that the opposite sex is populated by carbon copies! It's a ridiculous notion that gets perpetuated by both male and female SEXIST NUMB SKULLS who like to teach children and young people WRONG, so they can manipulate and control them.
A HEALTHY, GOOD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS A VERY CLOSE FRIENDSHIP.
THE FRIENDSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION; WITHOUT THAT, YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A PERSON YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. YOU'RE ASSUMING YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM BECAUSE "YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT WOMEN"?!?
HOW DELUDED IS THAT?!
WHICH MEANS YOU ARE RISKING MAKING AN INTIMATE CONNECTION WITH A PERSON WHO MAY TURN OUT TO BE AN UNSTABLE HUMAN, WHO MIGHT DECIDE TO STALK YOU OR CAUSE YOU ALL KINDS OF HAVOC. THEY COULD HAVE A DISEASE, THEY COULD HAVE AN ABUSIVE MENTAL ILLNESS, THEY COULD HAVE ABUSIVE OR PSYCHOTIC FAMILY MEMBERS OR FRIENDS, THEY COULD BE A THIEF, A CON, EVEN A MURDERER. YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU NEVER GOT TO KNOW THEM AS A FRIEND FIRST, SO TECHNICALLY, IT'S YOUR FAULT IF THEY TURN OUT TO BE A NUTJOB.
So, instead of meeting someone very, very cool, who you get to know with respect, hospitality, and sharing interests and activities (just like how you would get to know another guy), who might turn out to be the best friend you ever had, you "hook up" with a human who you simply find "hot", but whom you know barely anything about. And since you ASSUME that you know SO MUCH about the opposite sex (like you took a course on a different species), you never take the TIME or make any effort to get to know this person, and build a FRIENDSHIP. A genuine friendship, like you did with your other friends. And then it falls apart, and you complain that "nice guys finish last". Give us a break. Truly "Nice Guys" don't think of women as clones of each other, they have genuine friendships with females, RECIPROCAL friendships where neither one is "the boss", and neither one is treated like some other species.
The bottom line is, if you want to understand women, you should let go of the adolescent notion that they're all just different versions of each other, and realize that they're PEOPLE, just like you are. Some of them are JERKS, some of them are manipulative, some of them are judgmental, just like men. Some women are well-rounded, some are brilliant, some are very kind, some are averagely kind, some like to skydive, some like to garden, some love alligators and snakes and horses and dogs and cats.
MANY have been conditioned to believe that they are less than they really are, and a "Nice Guy" would be able to recognize this common occurrence in our culture, and want to be a FRIEND, and be supportive of their female friend when she attempts to gain back the self-confidence that may have been stripped from her a long time ago. (Do you seriously think that girls wouldn't be able to learn how to fix a car, install a window, or play guitar if they hadn't been purposely left out when the boys were being shown how by someone's father or uncle or older brother? Use your head. I knew a man who ate his steak raw because he was taught that men can't cook. True story.)
A NICE GUY would have zero desire to control or MANIPULATE anyone, especially a FRIEND, romantic or not. A NICE GUY would want their friend to be fully confident in their OWN SKIN, and fulfill their REAL potential, and BE HAPPY. A NICE GUY would STAND UP for their friend when they get treated with disrespect, whether that disrespect was from a store clerk, from a "friend", or from a member of their own family.
Forget all that crap that women have this ONE CENTRAL MENTALITY, that's quite whacked. Just get to KNOW people, for real, and over a period of time. Would you let a guy move into your apartment who you just met at a bar? Use your head! Would you assume your guy friend is a "bitch" because he said something you didn't like? Do you feel entitled to rule over your male friends, or PUNISH them when they don't do what you wanted them to do? Do you see your male friends as "ALL GOOD' or "ALL BAD"? Or do you see them as PEOPLE, with a million facets of personality?
It's very simple, just unlearn the insanity, and embrace true reality and logic.
Giving Recognition And Credit; Narcissism
A common trait in humans that is magnified in those who are afflicted with Narcissism: Seeking credit, seeking recognition, wanting to be seen as a natural expert, leader, guru in a way that puts them above others, and forgetting that something was LEARNED.
They seem to forget: there was a time BEFORE I knew how to do this thing. A time BEFORE I understood this concept; BEFORE I became "good at" a specific skill, BEFORE I had this much money, BEFORE I acquired this college degree or certificate.
They seem to forget that they learned the things they know how to do, and the concepts they understand, and WHO taught them. Human beings, but Narcissists in particular, will give credit only to those they have put on a pedestal as "Leader", including themselves, and they will DELETE recognition of anyone they have mentally placed in a "lower" position.
For example, they will learn how to play the piano, and with each skill level they master, they will immediately look down on anyone who has (in their opinion) not reached that skill level. They seem to literally forget that they had to learn and practice in order to attain that skill level. The person who taught them how to play will ONLY get credit or recognition IF they have been placed on a pedestal of "higher status". If not, they will be looked down upon along with everyone else, and the FACT and REALITY of their TEACHING will simply be minimized, diminished, or even deleted.
Narcissists will even repeat back what someone else said if they judge that person as an "underling". They may even give credit for it to someone else whom they judge as "high status". For example if they have mentally placed their cousin to be "lower status", and this cousin tells them about a relaxation technique that turns out to be very helpful, they will often DELETE the fact that it was this "lower status" cousin was the person who told them. Then they will act as if they discovered it on their own, OR they will transfer the credit for who told them about it onto another person, someone they deem "higher status". They may later tell this same cousin all about this relaxation technique, EVEN IF this cousin was the INVENTOR of the technique.
Anyone who has been placed mentally as "lower status" is presumed to know LESS, and anyone who has been placed mentally as "higher status" is presumed to know MORE. About nearly anything and everything. Including the person themselves.
This is another developmental delay~ it's common in human children, but would be grown out of in an ideal environment. If a child is exposed to one or more adults who encourage or model this behavior, it's easy to see why the child might get "stuck" there.
This automatic arrogance is often linked with sexism; the girl who is taught how to sew by her mother, aunt, or female teacher may also be taught that she can learn how to sew because she is a GIRL, and her brother would not be able to learn how to sew because he's a clutzy boy. So this girl believes she has innate capability OVER her brother in regard to sewing, but she takes no account that her brother was not encouraged to learn how to sew, or even welcomed into the sewing lessons. In the meantime, her brother is getting the same treatment by their father, uncle, or male teacher while being taught auto mechanics. Instead of simply teaching the boy about auto mechanics, the male mentor injects male-identification into these lessons, creating a "male-only" atmosphere. The boy, like his sister, doesn't take into account that his sister was purposely kept out of the lessons, unwelcomed, and that is why she didn't learn about auto mechanics.
Even if there are two brothers and two sisters, logic doesn't seem to sink in. One brother turns out to be a fast learner regarding auto mechanics, and the other does not seem to pick it up well at all. But the brother who does not pick it up is STILL given the credit of having an innate ability to understand cars better than his sister just because he's a boy, even though he has shown over and over that he has no such innate ability. But their sister, who might actually be quite inclined to understand auto mechanics and pick it up quickly is never given the chance.
The same is happening with the two sisters; one sister picks up sewing very quickly, and is able to learn complicated tailoring and design techniques, but the other doesn't pick it up well at all. The sister who is not picking it up is STILL expected to be innately better at sewing than her brother, and is STILL given that credit. Even if her brother has been sewing his own buttons and seams.
Both brother and sister are given automatic recognition for innate abilities that they DO NOT HAVE.
Both are DENIED the opportunity to find out if they have innate abilities in other things that they might have loved doing.
The lesson they are all being taught includes believing they have "innate ability" because of their sex, and that the other sex has no such "innate ability" for this particular skill. In reality, innate talent comes in all colors, sizes, and bodies, but can go NOWHERE if there is no opportunity to learn the actual skills. Expertise requires learning, period. Even the world's most recognized "geniuses" had to LEARN HOW. If they were not allowed to go near their subject of interest, they would not have accomplished what they did.
They seem to forget: there was a time BEFORE I knew how to do this thing. A time BEFORE I understood this concept; BEFORE I became "good at" a specific skill, BEFORE I had this much money, BEFORE I acquired this college degree or certificate.
They seem to forget that they learned the things they know how to do, and the concepts they understand, and WHO taught them. Human beings, but Narcissists in particular, will give credit only to those they have put on a pedestal as "Leader", including themselves, and they will DELETE recognition of anyone they have mentally placed in a "lower" position.
For example, they will learn how to play the piano, and with each skill level they master, they will immediately look down on anyone who has (in their opinion) not reached that skill level. They seem to literally forget that they had to learn and practice in order to attain that skill level. The person who taught them how to play will ONLY get credit or recognition IF they have been placed on a pedestal of "higher status". If not, they will be looked down upon along with everyone else, and the FACT and REALITY of their TEACHING will simply be minimized, diminished, or even deleted.
Narcissists will even repeat back what someone else said if they judge that person as an "underling". They may even give credit for it to someone else whom they judge as "high status". For example if they have mentally placed their cousin to be "lower status", and this cousin tells them about a relaxation technique that turns out to be very helpful, they will often DELETE the fact that it was this "lower status" cousin was the person who told them. Then they will act as if they discovered it on their own, OR they will transfer the credit for who told them about it onto another person, someone they deem "higher status". They may later tell this same cousin all about this relaxation technique, EVEN IF this cousin was the INVENTOR of the technique.
Anyone who has been placed mentally as "lower status" is presumed to know LESS, and anyone who has been placed mentally as "higher status" is presumed to know MORE. About nearly anything and everything. Including the person themselves.
This is another developmental delay~ it's common in human children, but would be grown out of in an ideal environment. If a child is exposed to one or more adults who encourage or model this behavior, it's easy to see why the child might get "stuck" there.
This automatic arrogance is often linked with sexism; the girl who is taught how to sew by her mother, aunt, or female teacher may also be taught that she can learn how to sew because she is a GIRL, and her brother would not be able to learn how to sew because he's a clutzy boy. So this girl believes she has innate capability OVER her brother in regard to sewing, but she takes no account that her brother was not encouraged to learn how to sew, or even welcomed into the sewing lessons. In the meantime, her brother is getting the same treatment by their father, uncle, or male teacher while being taught auto mechanics. Instead of simply teaching the boy about auto mechanics, the male mentor injects male-identification into these lessons, creating a "male-only" atmosphere. The boy, like his sister, doesn't take into account that his sister was purposely kept out of the lessons, unwelcomed, and that is why she didn't learn about auto mechanics.
Even if there are two brothers and two sisters, logic doesn't seem to sink in. One brother turns out to be a fast learner regarding auto mechanics, and the other does not seem to pick it up well at all. But the brother who does not pick it up is STILL given the credit of having an innate ability to understand cars better than his sister just because he's a boy, even though he has shown over and over that he has no such innate ability. But their sister, who might actually be quite inclined to understand auto mechanics and pick it up quickly is never given the chance.
The same is happening with the two sisters; one sister picks up sewing very quickly, and is able to learn complicated tailoring and design techniques, but the other doesn't pick it up well at all. The sister who is not picking it up is STILL expected to be innately better at sewing than her brother, and is STILL given that credit. Even if her brother has been sewing his own buttons and seams.
Both brother and sister are given automatic recognition for innate abilities that they DO NOT HAVE.
Both are DENIED the opportunity to find out if they have innate abilities in other things that they might have loved doing.
The lesson they are all being taught includes believing they have "innate ability" because of their sex, and that the other sex has no such "innate ability" for this particular skill. In reality, innate talent comes in all colors, sizes, and bodies, but can go NOWHERE if there is no opportunity to learn the actual skills. Expertise requires learning, period. Even the world's most recognized "geniuses" had to LEARN HOW. If they were not allowed to go near their subject of interest, they would not have accomplished what they did.
Top Ten Things You Hate About Your Spouse
"Why do you hate about her? What do you hate about him?"
"What are the top 10 things men resent about women?"
"What are the most annoying things about men?"
Talk about Hate Propaganda!
Encouraging hate, instead of understanding? Instead of resolution? Instead of problem-solving? Instead of healing? Instead of love? What is that?!?
Not only does this practice encourage negativity, judgment, and separation, but it also serves to blur logic and reality - any of those lists can be transferred to the opposite sex. Jealousy, control, arrogance, disrespect, and misunderstanding are all human traits. They're not exclusive to one sex or the other. There is no perfect person, and frankly the belief that "I am perfect, he/she is flawed" is a characteristic of mental illness, especially when that "flawed" person is a chosen partner or a child.
By the time we are old enough to become a spouse or a parent, hopefully we have learned that we are solely responsible for our own feelings and actions, and know that other people can't "make us" resentful. We can feel resentment about another person's behavior, but that doesn't mean they made us feel that way. Our feelings are not dependent on other people's actions; they are from within.
For those who don't understand this concept, you can prove this with music. Go play your favorite song for someone else. You think that song is what makes you feel inspired, happy, powerful, or peaceful, because the song itself has innate power? If it was that song that made you feel good, because of its innate power, it would make everyone who listened to it feel the same way. Is that what happens? Does every person react with the same feelings you do when they hear that song? Or is that similar reaction limited to only people who have very specific things in common with you, like your age group, your preferred music genre, your gender, your culture, your local community? Do you believe that the songs you like are the only good songs, and that everyone else's musical preference is "wrong"? Do you have any idea how many songs there are in the world? For each of those songs, there are people who absolutely love them, people who can't stand them, and people who have little reaction one way or the other. It's not the song that "makes" the feelings, it's the person listening to the song.
Still don't understand? Take flowers. Don't say "I don't know nothin' about flowers"... Flowers are one of the things that keep us all alive. We all are aware of flowers, they're an essential part of our world, without them we're all dead. So, what's your favorite flower? Why do you like that flower above others? Do you believe that's the favorite flower of every person on the planet? For every flower, there is someone who feels emotionally elated, joyful, or inspired when they see it or smell it. And, for every flower, there's someone who thinks it's ugly, weird, or stinky; they feel nothing "good" when they see or smell it. And then there are all the people who see that same flower and barely even notice it. If it was the flower itself that made people happy, then everyone who sees or smells that flower would be made to feel happy. Unless the flower is literally being ingested by a person as a drug, it has no way to make a person like it or hate it, or feel happy or annoyed. And other humans are the same way as flowers and music. They can't make us feel anything. One person who seems annoying to you might seem delightful to me, and another person who seems delightful to you might seem completely annoying to me. It's not the person making you feel that way, it's your own perception, and your own emotional reaction to that perception. A person that you LIKE isn't automatically a good person, and a person that you DON'T LIKE isn't automatically a bad person.
The fact is, you probably know much less than you think you do about this person, and the only way you would be able to genuinely find out about them would be to spend large amounts of time talking to them, actually listening to them tell their life experiences, learning about their entire history from every point of view possible, not just from other people nor just from them, and watching them interact with every person. AND to top it off, you would have to continually double-check your own awareness level, biases, emotional state, and judgment.
Easier to just accept that we don't really know all that much about the people we think we know, and just treat them with respect and courtesy, since treating others with respect and courtesy come from our own selves, and is not based on whether we think they "deserve it" or not.
For those who want to use "venting" as an excuse for those hate lists, that doesn't really work.
Venting is not the same thing as spreading hatred. Venting is about our own frustration, pain, and anger. We vent to release built-up emotion, and we need other people to reassure us they are supportive of us by listening and hearing what we're saying, and helping us manage our overwhelmed emotions with their friendship and presence. It's healthy to vent. But, if they're a good friend, they won't take our vents and use them against us, judging us or our partner or family member that we're frustrated with, labeling that person, vilifying that person, ostracizing that person, or us. A good friend does NOT advise us to be hostile toward a friend or loved one, to hate a friend or loved one, or to be controlling or aggressive toward a friend or loved one. A good friend listens and supports, and helps us for real, without inserting more negativity, and without invalidating us or condescending to us. No friend is perfect, we can't always meet these parameters, but good friends try their best to be truly supportive and non-judgmental.
(If we are being abused, a good friend still does not need to vilify the abuser in order to be supportive; people do this because they project their own personal feelings into the situation. Most abusive people are acting out an emotional or mental illness, and have often been abused themselves in their past; is anyone trying to get them help? Does anyone care about their well-being at all? Did anyone do anything for real to find out why this person is acting this way? Or are they all just jumping on the bandwagon of vilification, and doing zero to contribute to actual problem-solving?)
Hate and resentment come from within. No one makes us feel those things, or anything else. We feel everything we feel, period. If we find ourselves feeling these things, then objective examination of the situation is in order. If we need help resolving it, then we need to get that help.
"When you find the one person you've been looking for your whole life, you look for as many reasons as you can NOT to resent them. You don't make lists to justify your resentments toward them."
"What are the top 10 things men resent about women?"
"What are the most annoying things about men?"
Talk about Hate Propaganda!
Encouraging hate, instead of understanding? Instead of resolution? Instead of problem-solving? Instead of healing? Instead of love? What is that?!?
Not only does this practice encourage negativity, judgment, and separation, but it also serves to blur logic and reality - any of those lists can be transferred to the opposite sex. Jealousy, control, arrogance, disrespect, and misunderstanding are all human traits. They're not exclusive to one sex or the other. There is no perfect person, and frankly the belief that "I am perfect, he/she is flawed" is a characteristic of mental illness, especially when that "flawed" person is a chosen partner or a child.
By the time we are old enough to become a spouse or a parent, hopefully we have learned that we are solely responsible for our own feelings and actions, and know that other people can't "make us" resentful. We can feel resentment about another person's behavior, but that doesn't mean they made us feel that way. Our feelings are not dependent on other people's actions; they are from within.
For those who don't understand this concept, you can prove this with music. Go play your favorite song for someone else. You think that song is what makes you feel inspired, happy, powerful, or peaceful, because the song itself has innate power? If it was that song that made you feel good, because of its innate power, it would make everyone who listened to it feel the same way. Is that what happens? Does every person react with the same feelings you do when they hear that song? Or is that similar reaction limited to only people who have very specific things in common with you, like your age group, your preferred music genre, your gender, your culture, your local community? Do you believe that the songs you like are the only good songs, and that everyone else's musical preference is "wrong"? Do you have any idea how many songs there are in the world? For each of those songs, there are people who absolutely love them, people who can't stand them, and people who have little reaction one way or the other. It's not the song that "makes" the feelings, it's the person listening to the song.
Still don't understand? Take flowers. Don't say "I don't know nothin' about flowers"... Flowers are one of the things that keep us all alive. We all are aware of flowers, they're an essential part of our world, without them we're all dead. So, what's your favorite flower? Why do you like that flower above others? Do you believe that's the favorite flower of every person on the planet? For every flower, there is someone who feels emotionally elated, joyful, or inspired when they see it or smell it. And, for every flower, there's someone who thinks it's ugly, weird, or stinky; they feel nothing "good" when they see or smell it. And then there are all the people who see that same flower and barely even notice it. If it was the flower itself that made people happy, then everyone who sees or smells that flower would be made to feel happy. Unless the flower is literally being ingested by a person as a drug, it has no way to make a person like it or hate it, or feel happy or annoyed. And other humans are the same way as flowers and music. They can't make us feel anything. One person who seems annoying to you might seem delightful to me, and another person who seems delightful to you might seem completely annoying to me. It's not the person making you feel that way, it's your own perception, and your own emotional reaction to that perception. A person that you LIKE isn't automatically a good person, and a person that you DON'T LIKE isn't automatically a bad person.
The fact is, you probably know much less than you think you do about this person, and the only way you would be able to genuinely find out about them would be to spend large amounts of time talking to them, actually listening to them tell their life experiences, learning about their entire history from every point of view possible, not just from other people nor just from them, and watching them interact with every person. AND to top it off, you would have to continually double-check your own awareness level, biases, emotional state, and judgment.
Easier to just accept that we don't really know all that much about the people we think we know, and just treat them with respect and courtesy, since treating others with respect and courtesy come from our own selves, and is not based on whether we think they "deserve it" or not.
For those who want to use "venting" as an excuse for those hate lists, that doesn't really work.
Venting is not the same thing as spreading hatred. Venting is about our own frustration, pain, and anger. We vent to release built-up emotion, and we need other people to reassure us they are supportive of us by listening and hearing what we're saying, and helping us manage our overwhelmed emotions with their friendship and presence. It's healthy to vent. But, if they're a good friend, they won't take our vents and use them against us, judging us or our partner or family member that we're frustrated with, labeling that person, vilifying that person, ostracizing that person, or us. A good friend does NOT advise us to be hostile toward a friend or loved one, to hate a friend or loved one, or to be controlling or aggressive toward a friend or loved one. A good friend listens and supports, and helps us for real, without inserting more negativity, and without invalidating us or condescending to us. No friend is perfect, we can't always meet these parameters, but good friends try their best to be truly supportive and non-judgmental.
(If we are being abused, a good friend still does not need to vilify the abuser in order to be supportive; people do this because they project their own personal feelings into the situation. Most abusive people are acting out an emotional or mental illness, and have often been abused themselves in their past; is anyone trying to get them help? Does anyone care about their well-being at all? Did anyone do anything for real to find out why this person is acting this way? Or are they all just jumping on the bandwagon of vilification, and doing zero to contribute to actual problem-solving?)
Hate and resentment come from within. No one makes us feel those things, or anything else. We feel everything we feel, period. If we find ourselves feeling these things, then objective examination of the situation is in order. If we need help resolving it, then we need to get that help.
"When you find the one person you've been looking for your whole life, you look for as many reasons as you can NOT to resent them. You don't make lists to justify your resentments toward them."
Hate And Healing
The road to healing, as most are aware of in our more grounded moments, is paved with understanding, communication, self-awareness, and forgiveness of ourselves and others. Especially when we are healing from betrayal, abuse, oppression, and/or trauma. It is very important to find our own voice for the first time, or find it once again if we have buried it, and use it to tell our stories. Those of us on the path to healing are aware of how important connecting and communicating with trustworthy souls really is; we need to be seen and heard. We need to feel that we are being seen and being heard as well, and believed, and listened to like the worthy and valuable human beings we really are.
When we find our voice, either for the first time, or once again, we often want to shout to the world the things we have been through and the things we have witnessed. We want to be heard! We want to be acknowledged! We want to be recognized, and we want people to know and understand where we have been, and what we have endured! We want people to see that we have every right to be angry, and we want them to know why! We crave, for once, to finally be the one who is on the receiving end of the understanding, validation, empathy and comfort! Of course we do, if we didn't feel this way, we would be tragically too far "gone" to recover. This shouting to the world "Listen to me! Hear me! I am HERE! I have endured, I have survived, and I need you to see me!" means we are still alive!
But sometimes, in our quest to recover our true selves, to feel healthy and whole again, we can get caught up in our quest and let our anger swell. It is of course good and essential to express our anger! If we have been treated unfairly, or terribly, it would be an expected and normal emotion, and to express that is very important. But there is a difference between expressing our anger at how we have been treated, and letting our anger turn to hatred. When we let that go unchecked, we have stepped off the path of healing ourselves, and into a different place where neither understanding nor forgiveness live. Many of us have already been in that place due to someone else's hatred or darkness, so we already know that it's barren and desolate, and is no place for healing.
We share information about various personality disorders, psychiatric disorders, and human behaviors and dynamics. The more understanding a person has of human beings, the more effectively he or she will be able to deal with what's going on with the people around him or her, and what's going on inside of his or her own heart and mind. Sharing information and experience is always helpful, and each person has their own unique understanding and experiences to contribute. That one piece of the puzzle one person has might be the one missing piece someone else needs to be able to see their own picture.
The value of sharing information about personality disorders and psychology, however, can get diminished and twisted when we add judgment. The fact is, most humans have some kind of psychological something that could be called a disorder. For most people, it's very hard to hear or accept, but no "normal" human being is free from self-deception, egoism, and childhood conditioning. Simply having complete belief that I am safe from harm right at this moment is a kind of delusion; if my brain could stand to handle all the things that could happen to me, for real, I would probably freeze in fear and anxiety, and curl up in a ball. Or perhaps I would become extremely defensive and wear armor and weapons, or live in a steel shelter with 12 guard dogs. However, my automatic self-deception convinces me that I am perfectly safe, right here, right now, and that nothing could possibly happen before I'm finished writing. It's our brain's way of making sure we can get things done and walk around on the Earth every day.
Those of us who have been through things outside of the realm of "normal everyday life", like trauma, abuse, oppression, slander, and severe betrayal have usually developed coping skills and defense mechanisms, some that we are aware of, and some that we may not be aware of. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can happen to anyone who experiences trauma, attack and/or abuse. Those who have lived inside of ongoing abusive and oppressive situations, especially when occurring in childhood, can result in symptoms of not only PTSD, but also "personality disorders" such as BPD (borderline personality disorder, or "emotional dysregulation"), Histrionic Disorder, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), Passive-Aggressive Disorder, and a few others.
It is estimated that "Personality Disorders" make up approximately more than half of psychiatric diagnoses.
BPD is a relatively common disorder that seems to be a result of an abusive and neglectful childhood, whether there was only one abusive person, or more than one. Many abusive situations are perpetuated by members of a group simply living WITH the abuse, and doing little or nothing about it. When a child is the target of one abusive person, and no one intervenes for any number of reasons, the child's perception can be "no one cares about me, no one is on my side". The child's subconscious then begins to create coping skills to help the child survive the ongoing abuse. To make a light analogy, it would be like being the only child in a game of dodge ball who keeps getting hit in the face by the bully who whips the ball, and everyone else just pretends it's not happening, including the teacher and the principal; when the child who is being smashed with the ball cries or complains, everyone just tells him or her to be quiet and stop whining, and might say "you are getting hit because you are whining". If the child runs away, everyone either just pretends the child was never there, and simply keeps playing, or hunts the child down and punishes him or her, and marks the child with a "bad seed" or "crazy" label in order to avoid accountability. No one takes the child out of the situation, no one stands up for the child, no one protects the child, everyone blames the child for everyone else's behavior, no one removes the bullies. How would a child in that situation continue to feel like just a "normal" kid? They wouldn't, so in order to survive, their subconscious rewrites their coping skills to deal with this abnormal ongoing situation. Of course when those coping skills are rewritten, they will no longer fit in a "normal" life, but once they're rewritten, they will have to be rewritten yet again if the child ever gets out of the abusive situation, and when those rewrites have gone on for long enough time and are deep enough, they feel like an actual part of the person's personality.
That child will quite likely develop Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Antisocial Personality Disorder. Hopefully for everyone else, the child has huge natural inner strength and can retain enough compassion to remember what it was like, at least emotionally, before the abuse began. It will be very hard for that person to trust anyone, and he/she will be an expert at detecting disingenuous people, including those in the psychology field. Healing him/herself will be very difficult because of the ongoing lesson he or she was made to endure about not trusting anyone, and healing requires some measure of trust. Paranoia would of course be possible, if not probable; when one has lived through years of being targeted and unprotected, how does one suddenly start believing that a new person is genuine and trustworthy? Defensiveness, fear, resentment and anger is what this person was trained to feel day in and day out, and they may not even be aware that there is any other way that a REAL person can feel.
In summation, when we vilify Personality Disorders or those who have Personality Disorders, we do not help ourselves to heal, and will make it much harder for us to admit we may have symptoms ourselves. If we deny our own symptoms because we have labeled them "bad", then we set ourselves up to avoid our own healing. This is the main problem that is so often discussed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; if we can't admit our own mistakes, "flaws", or shortcomings, we can't fix them and we can't heal them. When we call people "bad" who seem to have a Personality Disorder, they will be much more likely to deny they have any symptoms, and less likely to ever seek help. Especially when that person (them or us) has been avoiding being called "bad" his or her whole life because of the people around them doling out consequences and abandonment. We have the right to protect ourselves from any and all abuse, absolutely. That is the first priority. But we are not healing if we abandon our own values in our anger, and let our anger turn to hate. A world with more hate is just a world with more hate. Healing happens in compassion, learning, humility, objectivity, and love.
Peace!
MM Black
When we find our voice, either for the first time, or once again, we often want to shout to the world the things we have been through and the things we have witnessed. We want to be heard! We want to be acknowledged! We want to be recognized, and we want people to know and understand where we have been, and what we have endured! We want people to see that we have every right to be angry, and we want them to know why! We crave, for once, to finally be the one who is on the receiving end of the understanding, validation, empathy and comfort! Of course we do, if we didn't feel this way, we would be tragically too far "gone" to recover. This shouting to the world "Listen to me! Hear me! I am HERE! I have endured, I have survived, and I need you to see me!" means we are still alive!
But sometimes, in our quest to recover our true selves, to feel healthy and whole again, we can get caught up in our quest and let our anger swell. It is of course good and essential to express our anger! If we have been treated unfairly, or terribly, it would be an expected and normal emotion, and to express that is very important. But there is a difference between expressing our anger at how we have been treated, and letting our anger turn to hatred. When we let that go unchecked, we have stepped off the path of healing ourselves, and into a different place where neither understanding nor forgiveness live. Many of us have already been in that place due to someone else's hatred or darkness, so we already know that it's barren and desolate, and is no place for healing.
We share information about various personality disorders, psychiatric disorders, and human behaviors and dynamics. The more understanding a person has of human beings, the more effectively he or she will be able to deal with what's going on with the people around him or her, and what's going on inside of his or her own heart and mind. Sharing information and experience is always helpful, and each person has their own unique understanding and experiences to contribute. That one piece of the puzzle one person has might be the one missing piece someone else needs to be able to see their own picture.
The value of sharing information about personality disorders and psychology, however, can get diminished and twisted when we add judgment. The fact is, most humans have some kind of psychological something that could be called a disorder. For most people, it's very hard to hear or accept, but no "normal" human being is free from self-deception, egoism, and childhood conditioning. Simply having complete belief that I am safe from harm right at this moment is a kind of delusion; if my brain could stand to handle all the things that could happen to me, for real, I would probably freeze in fear and anxiety, and curl up in a ball. Or perhaps I would become extremely defensive and wear armor and weapons, or live in a steel shelter with 12 guard dogs. However, my automatic self-deception convinces me that I am perfectly safe, right here, right now, and that nothing could possibly happen before I'm finished writing. It's our brain's way of making sure we can get things done and walk around on the Earth every day.
Those of us who have been through things outside of the realm of "normal everyday life", like trauma, abuse, oppression, slander, and severe betrayal have usually developed coping skills and defense mechanisms, some that we are aware of, and some that we may not be aware of. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can happen to anyone who experiences trauma, attack and/or abuse. Those who have lived inside of ongoing abusive and oppressive situations, especially when occurring in childhood, can result in symptoms of not only PTSD, but also "personality disorders" such as BPD (borderline personality disorder, or "emotional dysregulation"), Histrionic Disorder, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), Passive-Aggressive Disorder, and a few others.
It is estimated that "Personality Disorders" make up approximately more than half of psychiatric diagnoses.
BPD is a relatively common disorder that seems to be a result of an abusive and neglectful childhood, whether there was only one abusive person, or more than one. Many abusive situations are perpetuated by members of a group simply living WITH the abuse, and doing little or nothing about it. When a child is the target of one abusive person, and no one intervenes for any number of reasons, the child's perception can be "no one cares about me, no one is on my side". The child's subconscious then begins to create coping skills to help the child survive the ongoing abuse. To make a light analogy, it would be like being the only child in a game of dodge ball who keeps getting hit in the face by the bully who whips the ball, and everyone else just pretends it's not happening, including the teacher and the principal; when the child who is being smashed with the ball cries or complains, everyone just tells him or her to be quiet and stop whining, and might say "you are getting hit because you are whining". If the child runs away, everyone either just pretends the child was never there, and simply keeps playing, or hunts the child down and punishes him or her, and marks the child with a "bad seed" or "crazy" label in order to avoid accountability. No one takes the child out of the situation, no one stands up for the child, no one protects the child, everyone blames the child for everyone else's behavior, no one removes the bullies. How would a child in that situation continue to feel like just a "normal" kid? They wouldn't, so in order to survive, their subconscious rewrites their coping skills to deal with this abnormal ongoing situation. Of course when those coping skills are rewritten, they will no longer fit in a "normal" life, but once they're rewritten, they will have to be rewritten yet again if the child ever gets out of the abusive situation, and when those rewrites have gone on for long enough time and are deep enough, they feel like an actual part of the person's personality.
That child will quite likely develop Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Antisocial Personality Disorder. Hopefully for everyone else, the child has huge natural inner strength and can retain enough compassion to remember what it was like, at least emotionally, before the abuse began. It will be very hard for that person to trust anyone, and he/she will be an expert at detecting disingenuous people, including those in the psychology field. Healing him/herself will be very difficult because of the ongoing lesson he or she was made to endure about not trusting anyone, and healing requires some measure of trust. Paranoia would of course be possible, if not probable; when one has lived through years of being targeted and unprotected, how does one suddenly start believing that a new person is genuine and trustworthy? Defensiveness, fear, resentment and anger is what this person was trained to feel day in and day out, and they may not even be aware that there is any other way that a REAL person can feel.
In summation, when we vilify Personality Disorders or those who have Personality Disorders, we do not help ourselves to heal, and will make it much harder for us to admit we may have symptoms ourselves. If we deny our own symptoms because we have labeled them "bad", then we set ourselves up to avoid our own healing. This is the main problem that is so often discussed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; if we can't admit our own mistakes, "flaws", or shortcomings, we can't fix them and we can't heal them. When we call people "bad" who seem to have a Personality Disorder, they will be much more likely to deny they have any symptoms, and less likely to ever seek help. Especially when that person (them or us) has been avoiding being called "bad" his or her whole life because of the people around them doling out consequences and abandonment. We have the right to protect ourselves from any and all abuse, absolutely. That is the first priority. But we are not healing if we abandon our own values in our anger, and let our anger turn to hate. A world with more hate is just a world with more hate. Healing happens in compassion, learning, humility, objectivity, and love.
Peace!
MM Black
American Psychiatric Association
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (currently the DSM-IV) lists ten personality disorders, grouped into three clusters in Axis II. The DSM also contains a category for behavioral patterns that do not match these ten disorders, but nevertheless exhibit characteristics of a personality disorder. This category is labeled Personality disorder not otherwise specified.[edit] Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders and fears Social relation)
Not to be confused with Type A personality.
- Paranoid personality disorder: characterized by irrational suspicions and mistrust of others.
- Schizoid personality disorder: lack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, anhedonia, introspection.
- Schizotypal personality disorder: characterized by odd behavior or thinking.
[edit] Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
Not to be confused with Type B personality.
- Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive disregard for the rights of others, lack of empathy, and (generally) a pattern of regular criminal activity.
- Borderline personality disorder: extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.
- Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriately seductive behavior and shallow or exaggerated emotions.
- Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Characterized by self-importance, preoccupations with fantasies, belief that they are special, including a sense of entitlement and a need for excessive admiration, and extreme levels of jealousy and arrogance.
[edit] Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)
- Avoidant personality disorder: pervasive feelings of social inhibition and social inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction.
- Dependent personality disorder: pervasive psychological dependence on other people.
- Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder): characterized by rigid conformity to rules, moral codes and excessive orderliness.
[edit] Appendix B: Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study
Appendix B contains the following disorders.[17]- Depressive personality disorder – is a pervasive pattern of depressive cognitions and behaviors beginning by early adulthood.
- Passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder – is a pattern of negative attitudes and passive resistance in interpersonal situations.
[edit] Other
Some types of personality disorder were in previous versions of the diagnostic manuals but have been deleted. This includes two types that were in the DSM-III-R appendix as "Proposed diagnostic categories needing further study" without specific criteria, namely Sadistic personality disorder (a pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning and aggressive behavior) and Self-defeating personality disorder (masochistic personality disorder) (characterised by behaviour consequently undermining the person's pleasure and goals).[18] The psychologist Theodore Millon and others consider some relegated diagnoses to be equally valid disorders, and may also propose other personality disorders or subtypes, including mixtures of aspects of different categories of the officially accepted diagnoses
Healthy Boundaries
Building healthy boundaries is the most
important tool we need in dealing with N's in general, or anyone else
who does not care about other's well-being. N's (narcissists) in particular target our
boundaries by way of our self-esteem; the dismissive behavior, like I'm
not a real person; the clique behavior, like I'm not one of the "in
crowd" or don't belong, or aren't wanted here; the silent treatments;
refusal to address or answer directly;
refusal to acknowledge any of my feelings, observations, vents, or
accomplishments; all designed to make me feel unworthy and unwanted not
just by the N, but by everyone associated with the N. When that gets
into my head, then I notice it when anyone treats me with dismissal or
disrespect, and that feeling of "I'm not wanted here" comes right back.
That feeling is not "crazy", it's actually awareness. N's are everywhere, and when one targets us even a little, our awareness snaps right in, even if we don't realize consciously, and we become socially uneasy. We have experienced enough N abuse to know that when even a random N targets us in a group of people we don't even know, it's only a matter of time if we stick around that we will get smeared, sabotaged, and/or ostracized. We know how easily N's are successful at turning groups of people on a person, for the most petty "reasons". We often don't know who the N is for a while, even if we know it's happening; they will usually mimic trustworthiness or being oblivious to what's going on.
WHEN our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we can bounce back when an N tries to pull their smear crap. And, we sense their presence more quickly, and don't buy into the feeling of "I'm not likeable" "I'm not good enough" nearly as much; with healhy, strong boundaries, we are much more resilient, and less susceptible to their attempts to tear us down in the first place. With strong and healthy boundaries, we don't get driven out of a group if we choose to stay, we are better able to navigate their baby noises and tactics, and we are more comfortable about leaving if we so choose. Strong boundaries give us back our feeling of choice, and our confidence in our awareness.
That feeling is not "crazy", it's actually awareness. N's are everywhere, and when one targets us even a little, our awareness snaps right in, even if we don't realize consciously, and we become socially uneasy. We have experienced enough N abuse to know that when even a random N targets us in a group of people we don't even know, it's only a matter of time if we stick around that we will get smeared, sabotaged, and/or ostracized. We know how easily N's are successful at turning groups of people on a person, for the most petty "reasons". We often don't know who the N is for a while, even if we know it's happening; they will usually mimic trustworthiness or being oblivious to what's going on.
WHEN our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we can bounce back when an N tries to pull their smear crap. And, we sense their presence more quickly, and don't buy into the feeling of "I'm not likeable" "I'm not good enough" nearly as much; with healhy, strong boundaries, we are much more resilient, and less susceptible to their attempts to tear us down in the first place. With strong and healthy boundaries, we don't get driven out of a group if we choose to stay, we are better able to navigate their baby noises and tactics, and we are more comfortable about leaving if we so choose. Strong boundaries give us back our feeling of choice, and our confidence in our awareness.
Kim and Steve Cooper on Narcissism
Please click on the link below to read:
http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog/narcissistic-personality-disorder-the-real-test-is-self-esteem/
http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog/narcissistic-personality-disorder-the-real-test-is-self-esteem/
Democrats vs. Republicans
Politics, really... Remember in elementary school when kids made little groups and said their group was the GOOD group and the other kids were dumb, or ugly, or weak, or whatever? You know how adults do that with their political party? Theirs is the GOOD group, and everyone in it is perfect, and anyone in the other party is stupid?
WHY are ADULTS still doing what should have been left in elementary school?!!
If you want to understand what's going on for REAL, if you give crap-one about the country you live in and your kids are growing up in, then STOP with the pedestals for your own party, and vilifying the OTHER party. STOP with the HATING everyone who doesn't go along with YOUR "party line", and stop believing you know everything that's in the heads of all the politicians, and what's REALLY going on in Congress, you DON'T KNOW. (If you think you do, then you should go get your complimentary PhD from Oxford, because you're a freaking PSYCHIC GENIUS.) GUESS WHAT? BOTH PARTIES WANT YOU TO HATE THE OTHER ONE. It keeps you TALKING, it keeps you HATING, it keeps you LOYAL no matter WHAT they do. If they can get you to HATE one party and FOLLOW the other, they don't care WHICH ONE, they can lead you around like a pony. You can choose to believe it or not, it doesn't matter, it 's still real, and it's still how Politics works. What's your favorite baseball team, what's your favorite football team? Which one do you HATE? How emotionally charged do you get when you're watching your favorite play against the one you hate? Why do you HATE or LOVE a freaking sports team? They (politicians, media, advertisers) know what makes humans tick, and they USE it to their advantage. There are VERY FEW politicians who actually make it all the way to office and stay there with their integrity intact, and with anyone else's best interest in mind besides there OWN, because getting there is TOO HARD if you have integrity and you're NOT a Shark who plays the Politics Game. Why do you think it's all lawyers now? Where are the non-lawyers? Why don't scientists ever get elected? Where are all the REGULAR CITIZENS who aren't in the lawyer clique? Hellooo.... Trusting "YOUR" Party is simply naive. Vilifying the other party (and your friends who belong to that party) is just as naive. Stop FOLLOWING and start Paying Attention, for real. When is the last time you read an entire bill all the way to the end, and completely understood everything in it? Do you know the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence by heart? When is the last time you read it? Do you know WHY they were written, and why each item was written? How much history of each party do you actually know? Stop FOLLOWING and start Paying Attention. THEY ALL WORK FOR ME, THEY ALL WORK FOR YOU. ALL of them, regardless of their Party affiliation. And WE are ALL CITIZENS, EQUALLY, regardless of our Party affiliation.
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| alliesinselfadvocacy.org |
Better Than YOU, One-Upmanship, Identity
They're always on the lookout for things someone they know has done "wrong", and are always looking for ways to be "right". They have a hard time just BEING.
They're always on the lookout for someone to compare themselves to.
If they go for a hike, they are a better hiker than someone else.
Their car is better, faster, cleaner, bigger, or more fuel efficient.
Their shoes, clothes or hair can't just be good for THEM, or what they personally LIKE, they have to be BETTER than someone else's in order to be good enough.
They can't just do their job well, they have to find someone they are better- than at their job, and if they can't, they will resort to other comparisons between themselves and their coworkers in order to feel okay.
They can't just be a good musician and enjoy singing or playing, and be grateful that they are doing something they love, they have to be seen as BETTER THAN someone else, and may sabotage another musician who intimidates them.
They can't just feel like they are good-looking enough, they have to compete with anyone who others might find attractive, and may try to destroy the reputation of anyone they think is better-looking (destroying the "attractiveness" of that person to others).
They can't have a discussion and just listen to other's points of view, experiences, or opinions, they have to have someone who is RIGHT and someone who is WRONG. (This is why they will argue with a person who is giving an account of their OWN experiences.)
They can't just follow, embrace, or learn about their own spiritual or religious beliefs, they have to be MORE spiritual or MORE religious, or MORE pious, or MORE in touch with God (or Gaia, or Aleister Crowley...) than someone else.
They can't just be interested in certain topics and subjects, they have to be seen as MORE interested, or MORE intellectually gifted THAN someone else.
Everything can only be "good" if it's BETTER than someone else.
Everything is in the context of playing KING OF THE HILL, or winning a game, or gaining territory.
They seem to believe that everyone else thinks and lives this way as well.
It's just a developmental delay; when children display this, we aren't surprised, and call it "immaturity". The child is seeking identity, a way to be SEEN as something or someone specific. "The Toughest Kid", "The Smart Kid", "The Expert ...." "The Most Beautiful", "The Leader", "The Lone Wolf", "The Powerful One", etc. All of these identities are in the world all around the child, and children SEE that adults DO GIVE people with these labels extra respect. So, of course they are going to believe that's how one gets respect and attention. IT'S TRUE, in the general superficial world at large, unfortunately. But the identities are hollow, they're just LABELS. Children don't know this, they're children. And if they are surrounded by adults who think those LABELS are real Identity as well, they will have a hard time developing a REAL INNER SELF, they will keep thinking that those superficial labels ARE "Who A Person IS".
Like a snail who puts all of its growth energy into its shell, but very little into its actual BODY. The shell might end up big and beautiful, but the snail itself will not be healthy or strong, and won't be able to handle carrying it around. Believing that its shell is the only thing that's important, it will keep diverting energy there, and the shell will just get heavier and heavier, and the snail will get less and less healthy.
Adults must guide children to learn where HEALTHY identity comes from, and HEALTHY self-confidence.
A person who is ACTUALLY an "expert" doesn't need to have that as an identity, and will not lose their expertise when another expert shows up. The only reason they are an "expert" is because they were interested in a subject, and learned a lot about it because of their interest.
Another person being good at something does not diminish or delete our own talent or skill.
Another person being good-looking doesn't suddenly turn us ugly or unacceptable.
(If we DO find that we are surrounded by people who abandon us or put us down every time someone else shows up that's talented, skilled, or good-looking, the problem is THEM; they lack integrity and loyalty, and are not genuine; we need to find new friends.)
When children display these One-Upmanship behaviors, we call it "immaturity".
When adults display this, we still call it "immaturity".
Feeling Trapped
Feeling trapped in one's situation, in one's "station" in life, in one's JOB, in one's TOWN, in one's "lot in life", are symptoms of Narcissistic abuse and oppression.
These are all signs that we have been influenced by someone with Narcissism traits or the actual disorder, or are currently being influenced, or both. Typically there is more than one involved, which helps to mask the behavior and treatment, and make it seem "normal".
Believe it or not, we can make the changes to make our lives better. We don't have to win the Lottery to do that, and that might be hard to hear, but it's real. Think about it~ if the only way you could be happy is if you won a huge amount of money, that means you feel an urgent need to escape. Escape what, exactly, and why is it so difficult to make things better where you're already standing? There's a real reason for that. The first step is simply looking at where we are standing, and what is really going on around us. It's not hard to spot Narcissism once we read some descriptions of it, and once we know what's going on, we won't be bamboozled by it anymore. Awareness is, literally, power.
Some good websites on Narcissism and healing:
http://www.winning-teams.com/recognizenarcissist.html
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
http://www.narcissismcured.com/
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=ts&fref=ts
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sanctuary-For-Awareness-And-Recovery/288544867923285?ref=hl
- I'll never be anything more than _________.
- I am trapped in this job, I can't quit, I won't be able to make it.
- I will always be broke and struggling.
- I could never be one of those happy people.
- I am afraid to leave this relationship, home, or town, and be alone.
- I am afraid to make changes in my life, things will just be worse.
- Things will not get better for me, I just keep getting older.
- There's nothing I can do.
- I am too overwhelmed to help anyone else.
- No one truly cares about me, and I doubt anyone ever will.
- If only I could win the Lottery, I will have a good life. If I could have enough money, I would make everything better.
These are all signs that we have been influenced by someone with Narcissism traits or the actual disorder, or are currently being influenced, or both. Typically there is more than one involved, which helps to mask the behavior and treatment, and make it seem "normal".
Believe it or not, we can make the changes to make our lives better. We don't have to win the Lottery to do that, and that might be hard to hear, but it's real. Think about it~ if the only way you could be happy is if you won a huge amount of money, that means you feel an urgent need to escape. Escape what, exactly, and why is it so difficult to make things better where you're already standing? There's a real reason for that. The first step is simply looking at where we are standing, and what is really going on around us. It's not hard to spot Narcissism once we read some descriptions of it, and once we know what's going on, we won't be bamboozled by it anymore. Awareness is, literally, power.
Some good websites on Narcissism and healing:
http://www.winning-teams.com/recognizenarcissist.html
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
http://www.narcissismcured.com/
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=ts&fref=ts
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sanctuary-For-Awareness-And-Recovery/288544867923285?ref=hl
Paranoia: Your Boundaries, Your House
An increased level of Paranoia can be a symptom of Narcissistic abuse. It can be a symptom of just being around Narcissists for any length of time as well. Most people tend to forget that "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you" is actually true. When we start to lose our confidence in our instincts about our own safety, we can become paranoid because our natural boundaries "alerts" aren't working well. When we trust our ability to DISCERN whether a person is neutral, benevolent or malevolent, we have no need for extra suspicion.
We don't normally assume someone is doing something to betray or hurt us with very little evidence, because we don't have fear that we'll be tricked. BUT when we keep having to deal with specific people who DO try to trick us, of course our level of suspicion is going to increase. When we keep having to deal with specific people who treat us like we're naive, stupid, or below them in some way, of course we will increase our suspicion levels. When we betrayed over and over, when we are disrespected repeatedly, when we are lied to, stolen from, ridiculed, or backstabbed over and over, our natural, NORMAL response would be to increase our level of vigilance, raise our boundaries, and be more watchful and suspicious.
This turns into "paranoia" when we find that we have lost trust and confidence in our OWN abilities to keep ourselves safe.
Our boundaries are our natural borders, the "lines" that keep ourselves within ourselves, and keeps the rest of the world OUTSIDE. We are who we are, and we know this when we have healthy boundaries. Other people are who THEY are, and we know this, too. We are like houses unto ourselves; what is within our house walls is safely inside. What is outside is clearly outside, and not inside. We can open the doors and windows when we so choose, but we can CLOSE them when we so choose as well; we are the sole proprietors, the owner, the person in charge. WE ALONE are in charge of when those doors or windows open and close, and what we have indoors. Everything inside our house is ours alone, and we are completely in charge of all of it. No one else is, no one. When we want to invite someone "in", we decide if they are allowed only in the yard, or on the porch. Someone we feel comfortable with because they have shown they are trustworthy, we might let in to the foyer. Someone else we trust we might invite to sit in the parlor for tea. A person we really trust because they have EARNED our trust over time and with their actions, we might invite in to spend time with us.
When we deal with people who don't RESPECT our natural, personal boundaries, they cross our lines.
Using our House picture, a person who doesn't respect our boundaries does things like bang on the door, or keep ringing the bell.
They may walk in without being invited, or being let in.
They may pick locks, or climb through windows.
They may act like they are trustworthy enough so that we let them in willingly, and then rob us when we're not looking.
They may come in and insult our furniture, our decor, the way we keep our things, the way we clean or don't clean.
They may come in and insult and criticize the work or projects we have going on.
They may try to rearrange our furniture, or try to tell us we should remodel the kitchen.
They may try to dictate what kinds of pets we should have, or not have.
They may come in, only to verbally or physically abuse us.
They may refuse to leave.
They may try to convince us that we should MOVE OUT of our OWN HOUSE, give it up, leave it behind, and move in with them. They may say our house is not good enough, or safe, or well-built, and that we should not take it seriously.
They may try to convince us that THE HOUSE IS NOT REALLY OUR OWN HOUSE. That we are not the real owners. That maybe THEY are the real owners.
If they have a hard time convincing us of these things (getting us to move out, give up our House, or believe our House isn't good) and/or if they think we figured out what they were doing, they may go outside and tell all the other Homeowners in the neighborhood false things about our House, and about what we do inside, and about who we really are, so all those other Homeowners will start to stare and wonder, and start to behave like they don't want your House in their Neighborhood.
So, if we have been dealing with individuals like this who don't respect our boundaries repeatedly, then we will of course start locking our windows and doors. We will close the curtains, we will install an alarm system. We may find ourselves peeking through the blinds and the peephole at anyone who comes near us (our House).
When our level of suspicion becomes overwhelming, we may start to forget about watching each person separately, as individual people, and we may forget who we are sure we can trust. We may stop going through the process of LEARNING WHO we can trust.
We may become so overwhelmed with suspicion that we start to suspect those who ARE trustworthy, who have shown genuine respect and care toward us. We may suspect anyone we see coming near our House. We may start to wonder anxiously what others are DOING, what they're THINKING, and WHY they do or don't do things. We may be FEARFUL that they are going to do the same things that the others did who disrespected our boundaries, and look for evidence that they have betrayed us in order to protect ourselves.
Instead of being confident that we know when to open and close our doors and windows, we stop trusting our own judgment, so we lock them all the time. Because we are overwhelmed, we stop believing in our own ability to deal with normal human interaction. We may accuse those who we formerly trusted of being traitors, even if they have done nothing of the sort. In this way, we start to close ourselves in as an effort to protect ourselves, but we don't realize that we have stopped going outside and enjoying the sunshine, and we have stopped our visits and connections with others that were a large part of our happiness.
In order to heal ourselves so we can feel safe, secure, and "normal" again, we need to look to ourselves first. It is helpful to fact-check ourselves, our beliefs, and the actual course of events. Did we create a story about someone that's not true, just to feel right about our suspicious feelings? Are we going over the actual events, re-reading emails, messages, and letters? Are we able to speak directly to the person we're accusing of betrayal, or are we just trying to make ourselves feel strong and safe by bullying them and accusing them?
Do we really want to drive this person away? Or are we seeing how far we can push them? What happens if we push them too far? Why aren't we thinking about how our accusations are affecting or hurting them?
It can help tremendously to go over events carefully from all the different people in our lives. When we become overwhelmed, it's normal for us to need to ground ourselves by objectively reviewing what is really, truly happening, and what has really actually happened.
Our own ability to interact safely and respectfully with others is the key to healing. Being confident that we are the true sole proprietors of our own House, and that we only let in who we want to let in, not who comes banging at the door, or lays on the doorbell, or demands to be let in. Certainly not who tries to get the neighborhood to go along with turning on us. Certainly not who picks the locks or climbs through windows. And we can and should and DO kick out whoever we let in, who bullies us, insults us, or takes our things. We SHOULD NOT try to harm them in any way, ever, and if we need help kicking them out, we should find someone to help us right away. When we feel confident again in our own ability to DEAL WITH ACTUAL trespassers, the right way, we will once again feel confident in our ability to decide who to trust, and how far to let them in.
We don't normally assume someone is doing something to betray or hurt us with very little evidence, because we don't have fear that we'll be tricked. BUT when we keep having to deal with specific people who DO try to trick us, of course our level of suspicion is going to increase. When we keep having to deal with specific people who treat us like we're naive, stupid, or below them in some way, of course we will increase our suspicion levels. When we betrayed over and over, when we are disrespected repeatedly, when we are lied to, stolen from, ridiculed, or backstabbed over and over, our natural, NORMAL response would be to increase our level of vigilance, raise our boundaries, and be more watchful and suspicious.
This turns into "paranoia" when we find that we have lost trust and confidence in our OWN abilities to keep ourselves safe.
Our boundaries are our natural borders, the "lines" that keep ourselves within ourselves, and keeps the rest of the world OUTSIDE. We are who we are, and we know this when we have healthy boundaries. Other people are who THEY are, and we know this, too. We are like houses unto ourselves; what is within our house walls is safely inside. What is outside is clearly outside, and not inside. We can open the doors and windows when we so choose, but we can CLOSE them when we so choose as well; we are the sole proprietors, the owner, the person in charge. WE ALONE are in charge of when those doors or windows open and close, and what we have indoors. Everything inside our house is ours alone, and we are completely in charge of all of it. No one else is, no one. When we want to invite someone "in", we decide if they are allowed only in the yard, or on the porch. Someone we feel comfortable with because they have shown they are trustworthy, we might let in to the foyer. Someone else we trust we might invite to sit in the parlor for tea. A person we really trust because they have EARNED our trust over time and with their actions, we might invite in to spend time with us.
When we deal with people who don't RESPECT our natural, personal boundaries, they cross our lines.
Using our House picture, a person who doesn't respect our boundaries does things like bang on the door, or keep ringing the bell.
They may walk in without being invited, or being let in.
They may pick locks, or climb through windows.
They may act like they are trustworthy enough so that we let them in willingly, and then rob us when we're not looking.
They may come in and insult our furniture, our decor, the way we keep our things, the way we clean or don't clean.
They may come in and insult and criticize the work or projects we have going on.
They may try to rearrange our furniture, or try to tell us we should remodel the kitchen.
They may try to dictate what kinds of pets we should have, or not have.
They may come in, only to verbally or physically abuse us.
They may refuse to leave.
They may try to convince us that we should MOVE OUT of our OWN HOUSE, give it up, leave it behind, and move in with them. They may say our house is not good enough, or safe, or well-built, and that we should not take it seriously.
They may try to convince us that THE HOUSE IS NOT REALLY OUR OWN HOUSE. That we are not the real owners. That maybe THEY are the real owners.
If they have a hard time convincing us of these things (getting us to move out, give up our House, or believe our House isn't good) and/or if they think we figured out what they were doing, they may go outside and tell all the other Homeowners in the neighborhood false things about our House, and about what we do inside, and about who we really are, so all those other Homeowners will start to stare and wonder, and start to behave like they don't want your House in their Neighborhood.
So, if we have been dealing with individuals like this who don't respect our boundaries repeatedly, then we will of course start locking our windows and doors. We will close the curtains, we will install an alarm system. We may find ourselves peeking through the blinds and the peephole at anyone who comes near us (our House).
When our level of suspicion becomes overwhelming, we may start to forget about watching each person separately, as individual people, and we may forget who we are sure we can trust. We may stop going through the process of LEARNING WHO we can trust.
We may become so overwhelmed with suspicion that we start to suspect those who ARE trustworthy, who have shown genuine respect and care toward us. We may suspect anyone we see coming near our House. We may start to wonder anxiously what others are DOING, what they're THINKING, and WHY they do or don't do things. We may be FEARFUL that they are going to do the same things that the others did who disrespected our boundaries, and look for evidence that they have betrayed us in order to protect ourselves.
Instead of being confident that we know when to open and close our doors and windows, we stop trusting our own judgment, so we lock them all the time. Because we are overwhelmed, we stop believing in our own ability to deal with normal human interaction. We may accuse those who we formerly trusted of being traitors, even if they have done nothing of the sort. In this way, we start to close ourselves in as an effort to protect ourselves, but we don't realize that we have stopped going outside and enjoying the sunshine, and we have stopped our visits and connections with others that were a large part of our happiness.
In order to heal ourselves so we can feel safe, secure, and "normal" again, we need to look to ourselves first. It is helpful to fact-check ourselves, our beliefs, and the actual course of events. Did we create a story about someone that's not true, just to feel right about our suspicious feelings? Are we going over the actual events, re-reading emails, messages, and letters? Are we able to speak directly to the person we're accusing of betrayal, or are we just trying to make ourselves feel strong and safe by bullying them and accusing them?
Do we really want to drive this person away? Or are we seeing how far we can push them? What happens if we push them too far? Why aren't we thinking about how our accusations are affecting or hurting them?
It can help tremendously to go over events carefully from all the different people in our lives. When we become overwhelmed, it's normal for us to need to ground ourselves by objectively reviewing what is really, truly happening, and what has really actually happened.
Our own ability to interact safely and respectfully with others is the key to healing. Being confident that we are the true sole proprietors of our own House, and that we only let in who we want to let in, not who comes banging at the door, or lays on the doorbell, or demands to be let in. Certainly not who tries to get the neighborhood to go along with turning on us. Certainly not who picks the locks or climbs through windows. And we can and should and DO kick out whoever we let in, who bullies us, insults us, or takes our things. We SHOULD NOT try to harm them in any way, ever, and if we need help kicking them out, we should find someone to help us right away. When we feel confident again in our own ability to DEAL WITH ACTUAL trespassers, the right way, we will once again feel confident in our ability to decide who to trust, and how far to let them in.
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