Humans are naturally selfish, we are born that way, if we weren't most of us would not survive infancy. The ego is our survival, and it is also why it is so difficult to hear the words of another without inserting our judgment onto what they have said, whether their words line up with our beliefs or not. When someone says something that doesn't match what's in our heads, we have the opportunity to practice hearing. Hearing is not the same as agreeing or becoming indoctrinated, unless we have very weak boundaries.
Effects of Narcissism On The Community
Entire communities and cultures can be sullied and destroyed by narcissistic habits of those who live there. Symptoms of this in the general population include:
>Increased fatigue and decreased overall health in the general population.
>Larger imbalances in material wealth and success (very wealthy and very poor, less and less in the middle; the perception of "middle class" becomes skewed and is actually "wealthy", but goes unnoticed). >Decreased pride in one's work, one's occupation, the company one works for.
>Decreased morale overall, increased sense of hopelessness and bleak future.
>Common language that is peppered with insults, judgments, and derogatory references to race and gender.
>Decreased arts and science in the community, both in schools and in the general community; only artists, musicians and scientists who have gained obvious material success are treated with respect. (It's the material success, not the person, that is actually being treated with superficial respect.)
>Lack of basic courtesy, manners, and respect among the population; in the community, in the street, and in the home.
>Increased crime, both "white collar" and street crime.
>Increased substance use and abuse, and denial and defensiveness about it.
>Increased incompetence in all areas and fields
>Lack of responsibility toward children, one's own AND the children of OTHERS, and lack of comprehension about what children need to grow up in a healthy way.
>Increased belief in "ownership" of children, and of other adults.
>Increased competition, especially for image and "status"
>Increased belief that there is some kind of "natural social hierarchy" among adult humans beings.
>Lack of ability to think abstractly.
>Increased assumptions that one's perceptions are correct and do not need further information or examination.
>Inability to have conversations about politics, religion, or "right and wrong" with calm respect, friendship and civility.
>Inability to listen to or see from the Point of View of those not in one's own group.
>"Victim blame" is common, and even defended as if it's a virtue or a strength.
>Lack of support, encouragement, and genuine friendship.
>A lack of awareness about what is wrong with gossip, shame, blame, insults, and condescension.
>Defensiveness of blatant racism and sexism.
>Lack of remorse and normal guilt in the general population.
>Lack of healthy self-confidence in the general population, increase in pride and arrogance about superficial things.
>Increased manipulation behavior, entitlement behavior, and bullying.
Blaming individuals for the state of affairs is counter-productive. Those who are to blame are easily identified, it is any person in the community who denies any responsibility or contribution to the negative atmosphere. Denial and avoidance are the real enemies.
The cure is simple and complicated at the same time. The infection spread out from an original source point, and so the cure, so to speak, will also infiltrate through an original source point.
Whosoever puts an effort into objective observation of the community and of themselves, who takes accountability for their own behavior, prejudices, attitude, and contribution to the negative atmosphere; whosoever tries to change themselves from being a negative influence to a positive influence changes themselves from a virus to an antibody. From a disease to a cure. From a cloud that blocks the light to a bright flame. It doesn't start from the "top", or from other people, unless they happen to be individuals who desire to transform as well. It comes from within ourselves. The more lights there are, the better we can see, the less anxious and fatigued we are, the stronger we are, and the less darkness we live in.
>Increased fatigue and decreased overall health in the general population.
>Larger imbalances in material wealth and success (very wealthy and very poor, less and less in the middle; the perception of "middle class" becomes skewed and is actually "wealthy", but goes unnoticed). >Decreased pride in one's work, one's occupation, the company one works for.
>Decreased morale overall, increased sense of hopelessness and bleak future.
>Common language that is peppered with insults, judgments, and derogatory references to race and gender.
>Decreased arts and science in the community, both in schools and in the general community; only artists, musicians and scientists who have gained obvious material success are treated with respect. (It's the material success, not the person, that is actually being treated with superficial respect.)
>Lack of basic courtesy, manners, and respect among the population; in the community, in the street, and in the home.
>Increased crime, both "white collar" and street crime.
>Increased substance use and abuse, and denial and defensiveness about it.
>Increased incompetence in all areas and fields
>Lack of responsibility toward children, one's own AND the children of OTHERS, and lack of comprehension about what children need to grow up in a healthy way.
>Increased belief in "ownership" of children, and of other adults.
>Increased competition, especially for image and "status"
>Increased belief that there is some kind of "natural social hierarchy" among adult humans beings.
>Lack of ability to think abstractly.
>Increased assumptions that one's perceptions are correct and do not need further information or examination.
>Inability to have conversations about politics, religion, or "right and wrong" with calm respect, friendship and civility.
>Inability to listen to or see from the Point of View of those not in one's own group.
>"Victim blame" is common, and even defended as if it's a virtue or a strength.
>Lack of support, encouragement, and genuine friendship.
>A lack of awareness about what is wrong with gossip, shame, blame, insults, and condescension.
>Defensiveness of blatant racism and sexism.
>Lack of remorse and normal guilt in the general population.
>Lack of healthy self-confidence in the general population, increase in pride and arrogance about superficial things.
>Increased manipulation behavior, entitlement behavior, and bullying.
Blaming individuals for the state of affairs is counter-productive. Those who are to blame are easily identified, it is any person in the community who denies any responsibility or contribution to the negative atmosphere. Denial and avoidance are the real enemies.
The cure is simple and complicated at the same time. The infection spread out from an original source point, and so the cure, so to speak, will also infiltrate through an original source point.
Whosoever puts an effort into objective observation of the community and of themselves, who takes accountability for their own behavior, prejudices, attitude, and contribution to the negative atmosphere; whosoever tries to change themselves from being a negative influence to a positive influence changes themselves from a virus to an antibody. From a disease to a cure. From a cloud that blocks the light to a bright flame. It doesn't start from the "top", or from other people, unless they happen to be individuals who desire to transform as well. It comes from within ourselves. The more lights there are, the better we can see, the less anxious and fatigued we are, the stronger we are, and the less darkness we live in.
Who Is This "Narcissist" Person?
The
narcissist is the one who is watching and judging what someone else is
doing in their day to day lives, assessing how they look, believing they
know all kinds of things about them, looking for excuses to judge them
in a negative way, looking for excuses to have control over them,
assuming they know all about their past and their present.
A "friend" of a Narcissist is someone that makes them feel good about themselves, someone that gives them favors, presents, and privileges, and/or someone they can use for something. Someone they can control. Never someone who stands up to them, defends themselves, doesn't over-praise them, or doesn't allow manipulation; such a person will be promptly rejected and/or targeted for destruction. Narcissists don't make real friendships or partnerships. They make connections based on gain, ego, image and usage.
They can't be loyal, because they are only concerned with their own desires and whims; they live with the mantra of "if it feels good to me, then it must be okay for me to do". They won't forgo temptation just so they don't betray someone, whether it's sexual, emotional, or just ethical. Betrayal is about someone else's well-being, and that does not compute with a narcissist.
Nothing is done that doesn't serve them in some way. Even their seemingly altruistic tasks for others are really just performances to SHOW that they're a "good person"; they'll fix the neighbor's porch for free on Wednesday, and then stand their girlfriend up on Thursday. They'll make cookies for a party on Friday, and backstab someone on Saturday. They'll volunteer for the church Treasury on Sunday, and rip off a client on Monday.
Narcissists don't reject people based on something they actually DID WRONG, they reject them because it gives them a feeling of the illusion of superiority over that person, and a feeling of power. That's why they frequently target people who are actually KINDER than they are, MORE talented, MORE generous, and MORE fair-minded than themselves. If the person is "physically attractive" as well, that can be a huge trigger for a narcissist (even if they are seen as "attractive" also). They can't stand for someone to stand near them that shines brightly in any way. (The exception to that is if they are standing near someone who they have put on a pedestal, who they want to be associated with, or who is a good ego-stroker.)
They will make up fiction (LIE) about what the other person did "wrong" that would justify their judgments and disrespectful treatment, or they will twist and magnify things that are perfectly normal, even GOOD, about the person, and try to turn them into "bad character traits". So they'll call a wonderful artist "loopy" or "strange"; a kind, generous neighbor "naive" or "dumb", a friend with a high IQ "weird", a physically attractive person "stuck-up", "loose", or "crazy", an outgoing, happy person "whacked" or "too hyper", a person who is trying to recover from trauma or illness "lazy", "crazy", "a loser", "dwelling in the past", or "a hypochondriac", a person who is in college a "career student" or "baby", a person who helps others and/or works for a cause "obsessed" or some other derogatory term, a person who is close to his or her parent a "Mama's Boy" or "Daddy's Princess".
EVERYTHING and EVERYONE revolves around them, and must be compared to them, and must be categorized, preferably as negatively as possible.
---Unless the person is someone they want to be associated WITH, and then that person is the most awesome, brilliant, strongest, kindest, most generous, talented, greatest person EVER...
In communities with a lot of Narcissism, people will devalue THEMSELVES. This is not seen in healthy communities or families. This is to get a jump on the insults and devaluing from the bullies around them; self-deprecation takes some of the hair-triggers away from Narcissists who are always on the lookout for a person who is self-confident. The problem with this is that it leads to a culture of devaluation, and lower and lower self-esteem in the population.
It's all about making their own image look good, innocent, magnanimous, sweet, caring, trustworthy and kind, and making the other person look and/or feel bad. It has nothing to do with the reality of either the narcissist or the other person. But, since so many people are so eager to hurt and diminish others, they easily swallow any negative implications that makes the target seem like a "bad" person. (It takes much less work to judge and diminish someone than it does to be a genuine friend and take responsibility for one's self, and they get a little thrill out of diminishing that person to boot. The people who go along with the narcissist's gossip and bullying are also narcissistic.)
The Narcissist can't just be a good person, they have to be BETTER than someone else. They can't just be an expert, they have to be the TOP expert, i.e. BETTER than someone else. They don't want just healthy, civil respect, they want to be treated as MORE DESERVING of respect than someone else. They have to have someone to be "Better Than", and if there's no one around, they will target someone and try to MAKE them into a "lesser" person than themselves, by hook or by crook.
NOT all people with Narcissist traits and behaviors are aware of themselves, and some of them might not even know what they're doing is wrong. One might have parents that raised them that way, as if those behaviors ARE "good manners", or even "normal" in their culture. Another might have cognitive issues. Another might have neurological damage, and/or severe trauma, or have serious drug side effects. There are all kinds of real reasons why people display narcissistic behavior. It's important to understand which it is for several reasons, both for the person with Narcissism and for anyone near them. The narcissist may need medical attention, and may need someone to keep looking for professionals who have the skill set and capability to help them; and those near the person need to know the best way to deal with the behavior and keep the damage to themselves and everyone else to a minimum. Distance may be required. We can't help anyone effectively unless we are safe and healthy first.
A "friend" of a Narcissist is someone that makes them feel good about themselves, someone that gives them favors, presents, and privileges, and/or someone they can use for something. Someone they can control. Never someone who stands up to them, defends themselves, doesn't over-praise them, or doesn't allow manipulation; such a person will be promptly rejected and/or targeted for destruction. Narcissists don't make real friendships or partnerships. They make connections based on gain, ego, image and usage.
They can't be loyal, because they are only concerned with their own desires and whims; they live with the mantra of "if it feels good to me, then it must be okay for me to do". They won't forgo temptation just so they don't betray someone, whether it's sexual, emotional, or just ethical. Betrayal is about someone else's well-being, and that does not compute with a narcissist.
Nothing is done that doesn't serve them in some way. Even their seemingly altruistic tasks for others are really just performances to SHOW that they're a "good person"; they'll fix the neighbor's porch for free on Wednesday, and then stand their girlfriend up on Thursday. They'll make cookies for a party on Friday, and backstab someone on Saturday. They'll volunteer for the church Treasury on Sunday, and rip off a client on Monday.
Narcissists don't reject people based on something they actually DID WRONG, they reject them because it gives them a feeling of the illusion of superiority over that person, and a feeling of power. That's why they frequently target people who are actually KINDER than they are, MORE talented, MORE generous, and MORE fair-minded than themselves. If the person is "physically attractive" as well, that can be a huge trigger for a narcissist (even if they are seen as "attractive" also). They can't stand for someone to stand near them that shines brightly in any way. (The exception to that is if they are standing near someone who they have put on a pedestal, who they want to be associated with, or who is a good ego-stroker.)
They will make up fiction (LIE) about what the other person did "wrong" that would justify their judgments and disrespectful treatment, or they will twist and magnify things that are perfectly normal, even GOOD, about the person, and try to turn them into "bad character traits". So they'll call a wonderful artist "loopy" or "strange"; a kind, generous neighbor "naive" or "dumb", a friend with a high IQ "weird", a physically attractive person "stuck-up", "loose", or "crazy", an outgoing, happy person "whacked" or "too hyper", a person who is trying to recover from trauma or illness "lazy", "crazy", "a loser", "dwelling in the past", or "a hypochondriac", a person who is in college a "career student" or "baby", a person who helps others and/or works for a cause "obsessed" or some other derogatory term, a person who is close to his or her parent a "Mama's Boy" or "Daddy's Princess".
EVERYTHING and EVERYONE revolves around them, and must be compared to them, and must be categorized, preferably as negatively as possible.
---Unless the person is someone they want to be associated WITH, and then that person is the most awesome, brilliant, strongest, kindest, most generous, talented, greatest person EVER...
In communities with a lot of Narcissism, people will devalue THEMSELVES. This is not seen in healthy communities or families. This is to get a jump on the insults and devaluing from the bullies around them; self-deprecation takes some of the hair-triggers away from Narcissists who are always on the lookout for a person who is self-confident. The problem with this is that it leads to a culture of devaluation, and lower and lower self-esteem in the population.
It's all about making their own image look good, innocent, magnanimous, sweet, caring, trustworthy and kind, and making the other person look and/or feel bad. It has nothing to do with the reality of either the narcissist or the other person. But, since so many people are so eager to hurt and diminish others, they easily swallow any negative implications that makes the target seem like a "bad" person. (It takes much less work to judge and diminish someone than it does to be a genuine friend and take responsibility for one's self, and they get a little thrill out of diminishing that person to boot. The people who go along with the narcissist's gossip and bullying are also narcissistic.)
The Narcissist can't just be a good person, they have to be BETTER than someone else. They can't just be an expert, they have to be the TOP expert, i.e. BETTER than someone else. They don't want just healthy, civil respect, they want to be treated as MORE DESERVING of respect than someone else. They have to have someone to be "Better Than", and if there's no one around, they will target someone and try to MAKE them into a "lesser" person than themselves, by hook or by crook.
NOT all people with Narcissist traits and behaviors are aware of themselves, and some of them might not even know what they're doing is wrong. One might have parents that raised them that way, as if those behaviors ARE "good manners", or even "normal" in their culture. Another might have cognitive issues. Another might have neurological damage, and/or severe trauma, or have serious drug side effects. There are all kinds of real reasons why people display narcissistic behavior. It's important to understand which it is for several reasons, both for the person with Narcissism and for anyone near them. The narcissist may need medical attention, and may need someone to keep looking for professionals who have the skill set and capability to help them; and those near the person need to know the best way to deal with the behavior and keep the damage to themselves and everyone else to a minimum. Distance may be required. We can't help anyone effectively unless we are safe and healthy first.
Point Of View
Seeing
the world only through the Point Of View of "What I Am", physically, is
a developmental delay. It means I have not matured past a certain
childhood age.
>In other words, if I only think of "real people" as those who are the same sex as me, or the same race, age, and background as me, I am not fully mature. So when I write or speak, I communicate as if the only people listening are exactly like ME, and no one else matters, or is REAL.
Severe Narcissists will commonly tell sexist jokes, racist jokes, use derogatory sexist language, all as if it's NORMAL, as if the WHOLE WORLD is racist and sexist, with supremacy issues, just like them.
It is common for Narcissistic people to speak in only male or female point of view, and write in only male or female point of view, as if the ONLY people who matter are those who are exactly like them, physically. They also often do this with their race.
They will often have the EXPECTATION and assumption that their interests, preferences, and life experiences can ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD by those who are physically the SAME as they are. So if they are a man and they like to FISH, they actually seem to believe that FISHING is a MALE-ONLY thing, and women wouldn't "get it". It has to be, right? Because THEY like to do it, and they are a man, and they are superior; therefore men are superior, and fishing is superior, so they go together...
If they are a woman and they like to GARDEN, then they actually seem to believe that gardening is a FEMALE THING, and only women could like or appreciate gardening.
This is where it gets interesting, however~
Since Narcissists are obsessed with illusions of hierarchy, whichever sex they think is "superior" will be treated with more respect. SO, if the culture is Matriarchal, a MALE narcissist will give more credit and respect to women than to other males. Obviously, female narcissists would revel in being considered "superior" by both sexes.
If the culture is Patriarchal, it's reversed, a FEMALE narcissist will give more credit and respect to MEN than to other females. Obviously, the same applies; male narcissists revel in being considered "superior".
And to make yet another addition~ the above is not universal, because narcissists are also prone to prejudice and team playing, so if they are prejudice against one sex, it won't matter which one is considered 'superior' by the society at large, they will devalue that entire gender. Or race, if that's their prejudice. Or both. And, even if THEY ARE that gender or race.
Bias for one's own sex shows up more commonly in males than females, again due to social learning. Male narcissists don't need to learn how to treat females with respect in order to get along in many cultures, and may not have even been taught to- but female narcissists do, and are usually taught that showing respect for males is necessary and important in order to fit in. Narcissists often immerse themselves in the fictional "hierarchy" around them, even exaggerating it, sometimes to the point of cartoonishness.
>In other words, if I only think of "real people" as those who are the same sex as me, or the same race, age, and background as me, I am not fully mature. So when I write or speak, I communicate as if the only people listening are exactly like ME, and no one else matters, or is REAL.
Severe Narcissists will commonly tell sexist jokes, racist jokes, use derogatory sexist language, all as if it's NORMAL, as if the WHOLE WORLD is racist and sexist, with supremacy issues, just like them.
It is common for Narcissistic people to speak in only male or female point of view, and write in only male or female point of view, as if the ONLY people who matter are those who are exactly like them, physically. They also often do this with their race.
They will often have the EXPECTATION and assumption that their interests, preferences, and life experiences can ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD by those who are physically the SAME as they are. So if they are a man and they like to FISH, they actually seem to believe that FISHING is a MALE-ONLY thing, and women wouldn't "get it". It has to be, right? Because THEY like to do it, and they are a man, and they are superior; therefore men are superior, and fishing is superior, so they go together...
If they are a woman and they like to GARDEN, then they actually seem to believe that gardening is a FEMALE THING, and only women could like or appreciate gardening.
This is where it gets interesting, however~
Since Narcissists are obsessed with illusions of hierarchy, whichever sex they think is "superior" will be treated with more respect. SO, if the culture is Matriarchal, a MALE narcissist will give more credit and respect to women than to other males. Obviously, female narcissists would revel in being considered "superior" by both sexes.
If the culture is Patriarchal, it's reversed, a FEMALE narcissist will give more credit and respect to MEN than to other females. Obviously, the same applies; male narcissists revel in being considered "superior".
And to make yet another addition~ the above is not universal, because narcissists are also prone to prejudice and team playing, so if they are prejudice against one sex, it won't matter which one is considered 'superior' by the society at large, they will devalue that entire gender. Or race, if that's their prejudice. Or both. And, even if THEY ARE that gender or race.
Bias for one's own sex shows up more commonly in males than females, again due to social learning. Male narcissists don't need to learn how to treat females with respect in order to get along in many cultures, and may not have even been taught to- but female narcissists do, and are usually taught that showing respect for males is necessary and important in order to fit in. Narcissists often immerse themselves in the fictional "hierarchy" around them, even exaggerating it, sometimes to the point of cartoonishness.
My Partner Won't Listen To Me - Narcissism And Selective Hearing.
Selective
hearing is inherent in narcissism. It's as if they are listening FOR
certain things, not listening TO others. They seem to be scanning for
something they want to hear, for something they can USE, or for an
opportunity to oppose, condescend, shame, or pontificate (i.e.
dominate). They will tell you about themselves for an hour straight,
speaking as if it's a reciprocal conversation (answering
questions you ask and making eye contact), but as soon as you start
talking about yourself they shut down. Some even act like you are
"hogging" the conversation the moment it's not about them. If you make a
joke, they will not laugh; they'll either re-tell the joke so they are
the ones who get to tell it, or they'll act like it was stupid. If they
do listen to you talk, their responses will often be unsolicited advice
and condescension. They will give you advice from something YOU told
THEM the week before, as if they just thought of it. They will argue and
oppose you just to feel dominant. They will talk over you and try to
raise the conflict and hostility level, and then say that it was you
doing that when you raise your voice in response. They will insult you
when they can't "win" the argument they started. They will change the
subject even if you are in the middle of expressing something important~
actually, ESPECIALLY if you are. They will ask you 10 questions in a
row and demand that you answer every one of them to their liking, but
you can ask the same question 30 times and never get an answer. The
only person a narcissist will actually listen to is a person who they
think is "higher" than them in some way. And that may not last long if
they become personal with them (when they find out that "higher up" is
just a human, they'll want to dominate them, too, if they can).
The only way to "fix" this is to understand it, and heal yourself from the effects of being treated like a ghost. A good couples counselor will be able to see this dynamic, but a bad one won't (because they may have the same affliction) so be aware if you go see someone. Healing for yourself is actually more important than healing this relationship problem, the other person may not ever change this, and it will take a serious toll on your health. Learn detachment, in other words, treat it like you would if you found out they have a different kind of illness that makes them behave erratically, that they can't help. Not the same as letting them walk on you; it's more like backing away and seeing it from a distance, or a bird's eye view, so you can see the whole picture, in the way you would with someone you don't know well. For example if someone told you their brother had mental illness before you met him, you would be aware of it, and not take his behavior nearly as personally. You would know he is coming from a place of illness, and that he can't help the way he behaves or speaks very much. You would have a boundary in place, and not keep trying to get him to treat you with respect or normal friendship. If he was over the top, you would put more distance between you and him, and naturally be cautious, but not judgmental, angry, or feel victimized. This is how detachment works, we unattach ourselves from the situation and person, and see them from farther away, instead of from up close.
Kim and Steve Cooper have a course in curing Narcissism, you can find it here:
http://www.narcissismcured.com
The catch is that the person with Narcissism is the key to healing it, they have to want to heal, which means they have to be aware that there's something "wrong".
The only way to "fix" this is to understand it, and heal yourself from the effects of being treated like a ghost. A good couples counselor will be able to see this dynamic, but a bad one won't (because they may have the same affliction) so be aware if you go see someone. Healing for yourself is actually more important than healing this relationship problem, the other person may not ever change this, and it will take a serious toll on your health. Learn detachment, in other words, treat it like you would if you found out they have a different kind of illness that makes them behave erratically, that they can't help. Not the same as letting them walk on you; it's more like backing away and seeing it from a distance, or a bird's eye view, so you can see the whole picture, in the way you would with someone you don't know well. For example if someone told you their brother had mental illness before you met him, you would be aware of it, and not take his behavior nearly as personally. You would know he is coming from a place of illness, and that he can't help the way he behaves or speaks very much. You would have a boundary in place, and not keep trying to get him to treat you with respect or normal friendship. If he was over the top, you would put more distance between you and him, and naturally be cautious, but not judgmental, angry, or feel victimized. This is how detachment works, we unattach ourselves from the situation and person, and see them from farther away, instead of from up close.
Kim and Steve Cooper have a course in curing Narcissism, you can find it here:
http://www.narcissismcured.com
The catch is that the person with Narcissism is the key to healing it, they have to want to heal, which means they have to be aware that there's something "wrong".
Name Dropping And Narcissism
Name-dropping
is another common behavior of those with narcissism. There are two
sides to this coin: they "drop names" to show that they're one of the
"important people", and want to be associated with them~ and at the same
time they will accuse others of "name dropping", or accuse them of
making things up. So they will do things like referring to politicians,
celebrities, local prominent people in
the community, even upper management at their business or popular people
using first names, and talk about them like they're just "one of the
people they know". But they will also treat others like they are MAKING
IT UP or SHOWING OFF whenever they refer to a famous or wealthy person
they really do know. They'll have this reaction EVEN IF the "famous
person" is a member of that person's own family.
It's classic projection. The Narcissist "name drops" in order to make others believe he or she is "in" with "important people", so when someone else mentions a famous or popular person, they project that same motive onto them. So even if your Mom actually IS Whoopie Goldberg, a Narcissist will treat you like you are "name dropping" or "showing off" whenever you mention her. Even if YOU are Whoopie Goldberg, a narcissist will treat you like you are "name dropping" every time you talk about your coworkers who happen to be celebrities, or when you talk about a past memory that includes someone famous or "important" in it.
Narcissists can't STAND people who have had more recognition, accomplishments, fame, or connections with "famous" or "important" people than they have. If they know you personally, they HAVE TO be "more important" than YOU. So not only will they try to "out shine" you, but they will also try to diminish anything and everything you say and do that twinges their ego.
It's classic projection. The Narcissist "name drops" in order to make others believe he or she is "in" with "important people", so when someone else mentions a famous or popular person, they project that same motive onto them. So even if your Mom actually IS Whoopie Goldberg, a Narcissist will treat you like you are "name dropping" or "showing off" whenever you mention her. Even if YOU are Whoopie Goldberg, a narcissist will treat you like you are "name dropping" every time you talk about your coworkers who happen to be celebrities, or when you talk about a past memory that includes someone famous or "important" in it.
Narcissists can't STAND people who have had more recognition, accomplishments, fame, or connections with "famous" or "important" people than they have. If they know you personally, they HAVE TO be "more important" than YOU. So not only will they try to "out shine" you, but they will also try to diminish anything and everything you say and do that twinges their ego.
Flower Children
A peace warrior who acts like a warmonger is not a peace warrior anymore, they're just another warmonger.
Why Control Freaks Always Seem To Be Successful; Power Positions
Narcissists
are often in positions of control and power and have more worldly
success for the simple reason of skewed priorities. That's what they aim
for: control, power, and worldly success, and they just step OVER
everything and everyone else.
Their goal is not to learn everything they can about their field, their subject, or their job, and become very good at it just for the sake of doing the best they can, or their passion for their interests; nor is it to contribute to the well-being of their partners, children, families, friends and communities. It's just to WIN, to get theirs, to grab and maintain control, to be seen and known as a Bigger Fish, to get to be the boss.
Like doing an obstacle course race, but "winning" because they went around most of the obstacles. They didn't actually DO them, but they didn't get caught because they charmed the judges. Anyone who points out that they cheated will be called a whiner, a liar, or a poor loser by not only the narcissist but also the judges who fell for the "charisma".
They don't bother with things like giving credit where credit is due; they'll hide credit due to others, and take credit that's not theirs.
They don't pay attention to what kind of values a new "friend" has, it's the connections, charisma, or assets he or she has that matter.
They aren't going to risk being BORED in order to spend time or talk with some older or younger, poorer or richer, "smarter" or "dumber" family member, especially if they don't get to dictate what the plans are, aren't getting something tangible out of it, or aren't going to be the center of attention in some way.
They will NOT risk spending time with a person who they know they've treated disrespectfully in the past; they might have to actually deal with what they did or didn't do. If they have to spend time with that person, they will adamantly avoid genuine conversation.
They aren't going to "waste their time" or "risk their reputation" standing up for a person in their life who is being disrespected, harassed, or abused by someone else.
They don't "have time" to stop the car because they hit someone else's dog, they have a meeting to get to!
They don't have time to listen to the boring, silly, negative droning of others about their trivial trials and tribulations, they need that time to talk about their own big important problems! They don't have the time or patience to be "fair", to take account for their actions, or to self-examine.
They have places to go, connections to make, rooms and stages to dominate, thrills to catch, ego to inflate, ladders to climb, image to maintain, and money to see.
They "aim high" and they get there, because that's ALL they are aiming for. They eschew everything else.
They'll also be the ones to shame another person for aiming high and accuse them of being narcissistic, because that's the easiest way to knock out the "competition": convince them to stop trying. This shaming/bullying tactic only works well on non-narcissists... only non-narcissists will fall for it and drop out of the competition. Then those non-narcissists will be called "losers" by the narcissists who are still racing as fast and as hard as they can, to keep them from trying again.
At the finish line, most of those still in the race are those who didn't stop to help anyone, who knocked others down, tripped them, ambushed them, who ran over anyone in their path, who cheated as much as possible, who plied, charmed, and bribed the judges, and who left behind anyone who helped them in the dust. There will be some non-narcissists at the finish line as well, some of the strongest people we'll ever meet, but they won't be heard bragging about it. They'll just be grateful, and probably exhausted from dealing with the dramatic narcissists who turned what SHOULD HAVE BEEN a fascinating, fulfilling Nature Walk into a "Death Race" movie.
Their goal is not to learn everything they can about their field, their subject, or their job, and become very good at it just for the sake of doing the best they can, or their passion for their interests; nor is it to contribute to the well-being of their partners, children, families, friends and communities. It's just to WIN, to get theirs, to grab and maintain control, to be seen and known as a Bigger Fish, to get to be the boss.
Like doing an obstacle course race, but "winning" because they went around most of the obstacles. They didn't actually DO them, but they didn't get caught because they charmed the judges. Anyone who points out that they cheated will be called a whiner, a liar, or a poor loser by not only the narcissist but also the judges who fell for the "charisma".
They don't bother with things like giving credit where credit is due; they'll hide credit due to others, and take credit that's not theirs.
They don't pay attention to what kind of values a new "friend" has, it's the connections, charisma, or assets he or she has that matter.
They aren't going to risk being BORED in order to spend time or talk with some older or younger, poorer or richer, "smarter" or "dumber" family member, especially if they don't get to dictate what the plans are, aren't getting something tangible out of it, or aren't going to be the center of attention in some way.
They will NOT risk spending time with a person who they know they've treated disrespectfully in the past; they might have to actually deal with what they did or didn't do. If they have to spend time with that person, they will adamantly avoid genuine conversation.
They aren't going to "waste their time" or "risk their reputation" standing up for a person in their life who is being disrespected, harassed, or abused by someone else.
They don't "have time" to stop the car because they hit someone else's dog, they have a meeting to get to!
They don't have time to listen to the boring, silly, negative droning of others about their trivial trials and tribulations, they need that time to talk about their own big important problems! They don't have the time or patience to be "fair", to take account for their actions, or to self-examine.
They have places to go, connections to make, rooms and stages to dominate, thrills to catch, ego to inflate, ladders to climb, image to maintain, and money to see.
They "aim high" and they get there, because that's ALL they are aiming for. They eschew everything else.
They'll also be the ones to shame another person for aiming high and accuse them of being narcissistic, because that's the easiest way to knock out the "competition": convince them to stop trying. This shaming/bullying tactic only works well on non-narcissists... only non-narcissists will fall for it and drop out of the competition. Then those non-narcissists will be called "losers" by the narcissists who are still racing as fast and as hard as they can, to keep them from trying again.
At the finish line, most of those still in the race are those who didn't stop to help anyone, who knocked others down, tripped them, ambushed them, who ran over anyone in their path, who cheated as much as possible, who plied, charmed, and bribed the judges, and who left behind anyone who helped them in the dust. There will be some non-narcissists at the finish line as well, some of the strongest people we'll ever meet, but they won't be heard bragging about it. They'll just be grateful, and probably exhausted from dealing with the dramatic narcissists who turned what SHOULD HAVE BEEN a fascinating, fulfilling Nature Walk into a "Death Race" movie.
Boundaries, Hyper-Sensitivity, Thin Skin and Healing
Boundary injuries and weakening are extremely common in those who have grown up in dysfunctional homes and/or communities where there is bullying and manipulation. One of the results of this can be "hyper-sensitivity" to other people's words and behaviors. If our boundaries are weak, or injured, we will of course be more reactive in order to protect ourselves.
Our personal boundary is like a psychological/spiritual/emotional version of physical skin. Both are our essential protection; boundaries protect our "selves", and skin protects our bodies. Both sense and feel everything that touches us, either emotionally/mentally/spiritually OR literally and physically. If something hits us too hard, it causes discomfort or pain, which causes us to take some kind of action, usually evasive maneuvers, which minimize the damage to what is essential and sensitive underneath.
So one of the consequences to having weakened boundaries can be what looks like "hyper-sensitivity". But really, we have to be more vigilant if our boundaries are weak in order to protect ourselves. If I had burns all over the skin on our right arm, I would be "hyper-aware" of letting anyone come near it, and "hyper-vigilant" of brushing against anything with it. I would change the way I walk and go about literally everything in order to protect that right arm. I would transfer most tasks to the left arm, and lead my whole body with my left side. I would essentially be hiding my right arm from the world, protecting it. If something did touch or scratch it, I would already know the pain would probably be ridiculous, and any scratch could cause more damage and/or infection.
If someone came up to me and slapped me on the right arm, even in jest, "Hey how are ya!" I would probably jump to the ceiling. Most likely, I would feel searing pain, and because of that, searing anger and defensiveness. I probably would not realize or care at that moment that the person had no idea I had been burned. I might start yelling at the person, blaming them, even cursing them out, with no remorse or guilt. Even though they truly did not know.
I am in hyper-defense mode.
IF that person had done exactly the same thing a week earlier, I would have barely even noticed that she slapped me on the arm, and I would have no negative emotional reaction at all. Same exact action from HER, completely different from ME.
I would probably not go anywhere that seemed like a risk, where I couldn't protect my arm. I would be anxious at the store, at work, even walking down the street. I would be "hyper-vigilant" about other people's behavior and actions, and I would not trust them not to brush by me, run into me, or scratch me, either accidentally or because they're a jerk.
If I saw someone who was acting like a bully in any way, I would really be worried, because I have a lot of experience with bullies. If this bully notices my burned arm, it is MORE likely he or she will do something to try to hurt it, just for kicks. And if this bully does NOT notice my burned arm, he or she might hurt it anyway just from their regular bull-in-a-china-shop behavior. Either way, if someone is acting like a bully, I will go into hyper-protection mode and get my arm out of there.
We protect our boundaries in the same way. When we have weakened or injured boundaries, we go into hyper-protection mode. We have to, because they are not strong and healthy enough to withstand the slings and arrows of regular every-day human behavior. And like the awful pain when the friend slapped the burned arm, our weakened boundaries can't tell the difference between a joking slap and a hostile slap, they both are just very painful.
In reality, human beings are not nearly as mature and gentle as the High Elves in Lord of the Rings, or as sweet and lovely as Tinkerbell, we're more like a bunch of clumsy monkeys. Even the nicest, kindest, and most giving humans can come off as callous or uncaring sometimes. When our boundaries are weak we can misinterpret a clumsy human for an uncaring human, or a funny human for an arrogant human, or even a worried or scared human for a grumpy or mean human. We might defend ourselves from those who aren't actually trying to hurt us, like defending ourselves from the friend slapping the burn (who didn't know). We might see another person as much more dangerous than they are, much more hostile than they are, or much more POWERFUL than they are, because we are in hyper-protective mode.
Just like our skin, we need our boundaries, and we need them to be healthy in order to navigate the world. If our skin is healthy we don't really even think about it, we even forget it's there half the time; we work and run and jump and walk, we carry things, we run into corners and walls and brush against trees without even paying much attention (imagine doing all that with severe burns~). If our skin is healthy, we can even get in a play-scuffle with a friend, or play with the dog or cat and handle their claws and teeth, or hike through underbrush and thick trees, or swim in the ocean, go outside in the winter, or get pelted with hail or paintballs. Healthy skin absorbs nutrients, is actually ALIVE, and feels everything from very pleasant to very unpleasant as a NORMAL function.
If our skin is NOT healthy, we're probably going to stay inside and hardly do any of those things, because we need to protect it until it heals.
If our boundaries are strong and healthy, we can joke with our friends, poke fun and laugh at our own "flaws" and "foibles", deal with condescending strangers, get what we need at the store without anxiety, deal with arrogant "professionals" with aplomb, drive without getting very angry or frustrated, deal with bullies in person, online, or on the phone with finesse and with very little anger or anxiety. We don't worry and stress much about what other people are doing or not doing, even our partners, kids and family members, unless we actually have a serious alarm bell going off, like "danger" or "robbery" (and those bells should be going off very rarely; if they're frequent, there's another problem, either yours or theirs; see a professional psychologist).
We don't worry nearly as much about what "consequences" other people will give us if we don't jump through their hoops or cater to them. We are much more likely to notice manipulative behavior, and much less likely to take it seriously. We are much less likely to let it stop us, block us, or dissuade us from completing our projects, reaching our goals, or having a good day. (It's more like ~"what are you doing that for?" or "okay...um, I have to go, see you later"~ THAN ~"oh no, here we go again" or "I can't do this it's too stressful" or "I hate him/her!" or "I hope they don't get mad".~)
We don't have to fake being calm, cool and collected; with healthy boundaries we actually ARE calm, cool and collected most of the time.
We don't have to put up a "tough" image to keep bullies away before they even come near~ that is a form of hyper-protection, and we don't need to do that if our boundaries are intact and healthy.
IF our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we won't even NOTICE a lot of the silliness that other people do, and if we do notice, it won't slow us down or stop us even for a minute, unless it actually interests us for some reason. Just like walking through the woods with or without a burned arm~ without the burn, we just go, we navigate and maneuver, but we don't get caught on branches or have to keep going around or cutting down anything prickly or scratchy. We just go THROUGH. Because it doesn't HURT, and we're not protecting an injury.
It's easy to see why serious bullies, controllers and abusers TRY to weaken, damage, or strip away the boundaries of their targets. It renders them "skinless", and they end up much easier to control because they are in protection-mode, and feel weak and confused.
The most effective way to heal and to keep OUT bullies and narcissistic abusers, and to get LIFE back, is to focus on healing our own boundaries. Not building walls, not barricading ourselves, and not being "hard", defensive or hostile, but real healing. It can definitely be done, and it's truly essential for real recovery.
And... it feels like FREEDOM :) (because it is!)
Our personal boundary is like a psychological/spiritual/emotional version of physical skin. Both are our essential protection; boundaries protect our "selves", and skin protects our bodies. Both sense and feel everything that touches us, either emotionally/mentally/spiritually OR literally and physically. If something hits us too hard, it causes discomfort or pain, which causes us to take some kind of action, usually evasive maneuvers, which minimize the damage to what is essential and sensitive underneath.
So one of the consequences to having weakened boundaries can be what looks like "hyper-sensitivity". But really, we have to be more vigilant if our boundaries are weak in order to protect ourselves. If I had burns all over the skin on our right arm, I would be "hyper-aware" of letting anyone come near it, and "hyper-vigilant" of brushing against anything with it. I would change the way I walk and go about literally everything in order to protect that right arm. I would transfer most tasks to the left arm, and lead my whole body with my left side. I would essentially be hiding my right arm from the world, protecting it. If something did touch or scratch it, I would already know the pain would probably be ridiculous, and any scratch could cause more damage and/or infection.
If someone came up to me and slapped me on the right arm, even in jest, "Hey how are ya!" I would probably jump to the ceiling. Most likely, I would feel searing pain, and because of that, searing anger and defensiveness. I probably would not realize or care at that moment that the person had no idea I had been burned. I might start yelling at the person, blaming them, even cursing them out, with no remorse or guilt. Even though they truly did not know.
I am in hyper-defense mode.
IF that person had done exactly the same thing a week earlier, I would have barely even noticed that she slapped me on the arm, and I would have no negative emotional reaction at all. Same exact action from HER, completely different from ME.
I would probably not go anywhere that seemed like a risk, where I couldn't protect my arm. I would be anxious at the store, at work, even walking down the street. I would be "hyper-vigilant" about other people's behavior and actions, and I would not trust them not to brush by me, run into me, or scratch me, either accidentally or because they're a jerk.
If I saw someone who was acting like a bully in any way, I would really be worried, because I have a lot of experience with bullies. If this bully notices my burned arm, it is MORE likely he or she will do something to try to hurt it, just for kicks. And if this bully does NOT notice my burned arm, he or she might hurt it anyway just from their regular bull-in-a-china-shop behavior. Either way, if someone is acting like a bully, I will go into hyper-protection mode and get my arm out of there.
We protect our boundaries in the same way. When we have weakened or injured boundaries, we go into hyper-protection mode. We have to, because they are not strong and healthy enough to withstand the slings and arrows of regular every-day human behavior. And like the awful pain when the friend slapped the burned arm, our weakened boundaries can't tell the difference between a joking slap and a hostile slap, they both are just very painful.
In reality, human beings are not nearly as mature and gentle as the High Elves in Lord of the Rings, or as sweet and lovely as Tinkerbell, we're more like a bunch of clumsy monkeys. Even the nicest, kindest, and most giving humans can come off as callous or uncaring sometimes. When our boundaries are weak we can misinterpret a clumsy human for an uncaring human, or a funny human for an arrogant human, or even a worried or scared human for a grumpy or mean human. We might defend ourselves from those who aren't actually trying to hurt us, like defending ourselves from the friend slapping the burn (who didn't know). We might see another person as much more dangerous than they are, much more hostile than they are, or much more POWERFUL than they are, because we are in hyper-protective mode.
Just like our skin, we need our boundaries, and we need them to be healthy in order to navigate the world. If our skin is healthy we don't really even think about it, we even forget it's there half the time; we work and run and jump and walk, we carry things, we run into corners and walls and brush against trees without even paying much attention (imagine doing all that with severe burns~). If our skin is healthy, we can even get in a play-scuffle with a friend, or play with the dog or cat and handle their claws and teeth, or hike through underbrush and thick trees, or swim in the ocean, go outside in the winter, or get pelted with hail or paintballs. Healthy skin absorbs nutrients, is actually ALIVE, and feels everything from very pleasant to very unpleasant as a NORMAL function.
If our skin is NOT healthy, we're probably going to stay inside and hardly do any of those things, because we need to protect it until it heals.
If our boundaries are strong and healthy, we can joke with our friends, poke fun and laugh at our own "flaws" and "foibles", deal with condescending strangers, get what we need at the store without anxiety, deal with arrogant "professionals" with aplomb, drive without getting very angry or frustrated, deal with bullies in person, online, or on the phone with finesse and with very little anger or anxiety. We don't worry and stress much about what other people are doing or not doing, even our partners, kids and family members, unless we actually have a serious alarm bell going off, like "danger" or "robbery" (and those bells should be going off very rarely; if they're frequent, there's another problem, either yours or theirs; see a professional psychologist).
We don't worry nearly as much about what "consequences" other people will give us if we don't jump through their hoops or cater to them. We are much more likely to notice manipulative behavior, and much less likely to take it seriously. We are much less likely to let it stop us, block us, or dissuade us from completing our projects, reaching our goals, or having a good day. (It's more like ~"what are you doing that for?" or "okay...um, I have to go, see you later"~ THAN ~"oh no, here we go again" or "I can't do this it's too stressful" or "I hate him/her!" or "I hope they don't get mad".~)
We don't have to fake being calm, cool and collected; with healthy boundaries we actually ARE calm, cool and collected most of the time.
We don't have to put up a "tough" image to keep bullies away before they even come near~ that is a form of hyper-protection, and we don't need to do that if our boundaries are intact and healthy.
IF our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we won't even NOTICE a lot of the silliness that other people do, and if we do notice, it won't slow us down or stop us even for a minute, unless it actually interests us for some reason. Just like walking through the woods with or without a burned arm~ without the burn, we just go, we navigate and maneuver, but we don't get caught on branches or have to keep going around or cutting down anything prickly or scratchy. We just go THROUGH. Because it doesn't HURT, and we're not protecting an injury.
It's easy to see why serious bullies, controllers and abusers TRY to weaken, damage, or strip away the boundaries of their targets. It renders them "skinless", and they end up much easier to control because they are in protection-mode, and feel weak and confused.
The most effective way to heal and to keep OUT bullies and narcissistic abusers, and to get LIFE back, is to focus on healing our own boundaries. Not building walls, not barricading ourselves, and not being "hard", defensive or hostile, but real healing. It can definitely be done, and it's truly essential for real recovery.
And... it feels like FREEDOM :) (because it is!)
Generation X
An
excellent way to convince entire generations NOT TO prepare for their
own futures is to convince them that there might not BE one. Also, get
them to believe that there is nothing they can do about it! That they
can not be part of the "movers and shakers"!
Jedi Mind Tricks! Don't let them get you!
Jedi Mind Tricks! Don't let them get you!
Anger And Status
One
of the preferred methods of convincing a person that they don't have
real personal power is to challenge, oppose, and invalidate their anger.
If a target expresses anger, even if the reason for the anger is
obviously valid to everyone, they will be treated as if they are acting
"out of line", or "silly", "whiny", "crazy", or "negative".
The purpose of this belittling is to display "higher status", and to "knock them down a notch".
Expressing anger openly and freely is a privilege that is only afforded to those of higher rank in a primate group, and is seen as a freedom of status. Anger expression is USED as a POWER DISPLAY by both status-displaying primates and status-seeking humans (think "display" as in Silverback Gorillas beating their chests).
SO when a person who is NOT a status-monger expresses anger GENUINELY who does NOT use it as a social power and status display, they won't know WHY they are being treated with disrespect and condescension. It doesn't make sense, because it's completely out of context. Further, their confusion feeds the status-seekers, who will often go further and further with their belittling and invalidating behaviors.
In other words, when status-seeking humans display anger and hostility, they aren't actually just doing it because they are ANGRY. They are doing it as a Power Display. They learned a long time ago to use a display of "anger" as a way to try to display how "powerful" they are.
When NON-status seeking humans display anger, they are actually ANGRY about something that really happened, they aren't playing at a power and status display.
BUT~ any status-seekers who are within EARSHOT of a non-status-seeker's expression of anger will RESPOND AS IF there is a "game" afoot. They hear the "anger display" not as an actual expression of emotion or frustration, but as a CHALLENGE, and they will try to DOMINATE the other person as if that's what THEY are doing.
~Much like a Silverback Gorilla would probably think you were challenging him for his status position if you frantically swatted a swarm of flies that landed on your shirt. You aren't actually challenging him, but that's what it looks like to him, because that's what HE does. He doesn't THINK about what you're doing or not doing, he just responds to his assumption. Humans have similar compulsive reactions to rank-challenges, whether they're real or not.
Unlike Gorillas, humans try to pretend they don't create and maintain social hierarchies like the other Great Apes. Humans want to believe they are above that sort of thing, but this base, non-intellectual, counter-productive behavior is evident to those who know what it looks like in groups of humans everywhere.
The purpose of this belittling is to display "higher status", and to "knock them down a notch".
Expressing anger openly and freely is a privilege that is only afforded to those of higher rank in a primate group, and is seen as a freedom of status. Anger expression is USED as a POWER DISPLAY by both status-displaying primates and status-seeking humans (think "display" as in Silverback Gorillas beating their chests).
SO when a person who is NOT a status-monger expresses anger GENUINELY who does NOT use it as a social power and status display, they won't know WHY they are being treated with disrespect and condescension. It doesn't make sense, because it's completely out of context. Further, their confusion feeds the status-seekers, who will often go further and further with their belittling and invalidating behaviors.
In other words, when status-seeking humans display anger and hostility, they aren't actually just doing it because they are ANGRY. They are doing it as a Power Display. They learned a long time ago to use a display of "anger" as a way to try to display how "powerful" they are.
When NON-status seeking humans display anger, they are actually ANGRY about something that really happened, they aren't playing at a power and status display.
BUT~ any status-seekers who are within EARSHOT of a non-status-seeker's expression of anger will RESPOND AS IF there is a "game" afoot. They hear the "anger display" not as an actual expression of emotion or frustration, but as a CHALLENGE, and they will try to DOMINATE the other person as if that's what THEY are doing.
~Much like a Silverback Gorilla would probably think you were challenging him for his status position if you frantically swatted a swarm of flies that landed on your shirt. You aren't actually challenging him, but that's what it looks like to him, because that's what HE does. He doesn't THINK about what you're doing or not doing, he just responds to his assumption. Humans have similar compulsive reactions to rank-challenges, whether they're real or not.
Unlike Gorillas, humans try to pretend they don't create and maintain social hierarchies like the other Great Apes. Humans want to believe they are above that sort of thing, but this base, non-intellectual, counter-productive behavior is evident to those who know what it looks like in groups of humans everywhere.
Rhode Island Legalizes Same Sex Marriage
Alright! Congratulations! Rhode Island!
If marriage is Religious, it should never have been a civil ceremony in the first place. And if it's going to be included in government, then sorry, someone else's religious beliefs about WHO can or can't marry WHO CAN'T apply. It should not be civil, period. It should only be a religious and private ceremony, because it's a RELIGIOUS CEREMONY...hellooooo... Not real difficult. But since it got enmeshed into the dysfunctional governmental process, now you don't have a choice, you have to make it actually non-bigoted and non-partial. (SUCKS, DON'T IT! NEXT they'll be letting GIRLS into COLLEGE! What the hell is this, some kind of "Freedom Land"?!?)
Saying that only men and woman can marry each other because religious doctrine and same sex people can't...that's like saying only people with blue eyes should be allowed to drive a car because Thor had a chariot and he was a Viking. (I would sign that law! Hells yeah! Get about 80% of drivers off the road! No more road rage, no more getting CUT OFF on the HIGHWAY by MORONS! Way less cars! But I would be being a bigoted ass, now, wouldn't I?! And we don't do the bigotry thing here in America...lol..)
(Oh to my "friends" who "hate" gay marriage, please know that I don't give a crap what you think anymore than you ever gave me one iota of respect. (You CAN'T, women, blonds and/or short people aren't real "people", (whichever thing you use) like you and your buddies, right? Lol. Oh wait, you respected me until you saw this post right? Haha! Another excuse.) Unfriend me, please, do me a favor. And message me so I can remember who you are, my short term memory is starting to fade.
If marriage is Religious, it should never have been a civil ceremony in the first place. And if it's going to be included in government, then sorry, someone else's religious beliefs about WHO can or can't marry WHO CAN'T apply. It should not be civil, period. It should only be a religious and private ceremony, because it's a RELIGIOUS CEREMONY...hellooooo... Not real difficult. But since it got enmeshed into the dysfunctional governmental process, now you don't have a choice, you have to make it actually non-bigoted and non-partial. (SUCKS, DON'T IT! NEXT they'll be letting GIRLS into COLLEGE! What the hell is this, some kind of "Freedom Land"?!?)
Saying that only men and woman can marry each other because religious doctrine and same sex people can't...that's like saying only people with blue eyes should be allowed to drive a car because Thor had a chariot and he was a Viking. (I would sign that law! Hells yeah! Get about 80% of drivers off the road! No more road rage, no more getting CUT OFF on the HIGHWAY by MORONS! Way less cars! But I would be being a bigoted ass, now, wouldn't I?! And we don't do the bigotry thing here in America...lol..)
(Oh to my "friends" who "hate" gay marriage, please know that I don't give a crap what you think anymore than you ever gave me one iota of respect. (You CAN'T, women, blonds and/or short people aren't real "people", (whichever thing you use) like you and your buddies, right? Lol. Oh wait, you respected me until you saw this post right? Haha! Another excuse.) Unfriend me, please, do me a favor. And message me so I can remember who you are, my short term memory is starting to fade.
Condescension And Human Nature
Human
beings have a tendency to assume ignorance, naivete, and inexperience
about others. Narcissists do this to an extreme, but most people do it
on a regular basis to some degree. It seems to be another left-over
vestige of childhood that we bring along into adulthood, perhaps because
we never had enough cause or consequence to make us think about it.
So when another child cried, Matthew felt stronger in comparison, and assumed the other child was weaker, more delicate, or more fearful than himself, overall. He "forgot" everything else about the other child, how many times that child had helped him, comforted him, and protected him from bullies.
When another child struck out and displayed frustration, Susan felt more skilled in comparison, more experienced, and more confident than the other child, overall. She "forgot" everything else about the other child, like Matthew, like all the times that child had excelled in other games and sports, and the times that child had helped her gain confidence in her own ability.
Many children will simply isolate each incident and event, as if each event is representative of the entire picture. So on Tuesday at school, John wins the 20 yard dash; John now believes he is the "fastest runner in the school". On Thursday, Mary wins the 50 yard dash. John becomes very upset, and starts making excuses like his legs were tired, and Mary had better shoes, and Mary had eaten a candy bar, and he just didn't feel like running. But reality is that Mary usually wins their dash races, or comes in second or third. She has been one of the top runners in their class since first grade, but John simply seems to "forget" everything about Mary. On the day he won the 20 yard dash, he comforted her and told her she would get better if she kept trying.
Why did John do that? Because he's human, and humans do that when we don't pay attention. We especially do it to those who are younger or smaller, and we tend to do it more to females than males. We do it more to those who don't raise red flags in our subconscious about condescension. For example, we would probably do it much more quickly to a clerk than a manager. Much more quickly to a female trainee than a male trainee. Much more quickly to a short male trainee than a tall one. Much more quickly to a student than a teacher. Much more quickly to a female patient or client than a male one.
When we DON'T do it, it's not always because we are vigilant and aware, and respectful of others. It's often just because our subconscious gave us a little 'red flag' warning before we started talking, so we redirected ourselves and did not condescend. In other words, our tendency as humans IS to DO IT, and we don't do it, usually, only because we stop ourselves from doing it because of the OTHER PERSON, because of their size, their sex, or their position. Often factors like race, facial expression, or even the car they drive or their clothes and appearance, or their age can set off our little warning flags. If we don't get any red flag warnings, then we just seem to "forget" all about the evidence we have seen that indicate the experience, intelligence, and capability of that person, and we speak to them as if they "just jumped off the turnip truck". Most of us have this blind spot. We can become more aware just by paying more attention.
So when another child cried, Matthew felt stronger in comparison, and assumed the other child was weaker, more delicate, or more fearful than himself, overall. He "forgot" everything else about the other child, how many times that child had helped him, comforted him, and protected him from bullies.
When another child struck out and displayed frustration, Susan felt more skilled in comparison, more experienced, and more confident than the other child, overall. She "forgot" everything else about the other child, like Matthew, like all the times that child had excelled in other games and sports, and the times that child had helped her gain confidence in her own ability.
Many children will simply isolate each incident and event, as if each event is representative of the entire picture. So on Tuesday at school, John wins the 20 yard dash; John now believes he is the "fastest runner in the school". On Thursday, Mary wins the 50 yard dash. John becomes very upset, and starts making excuses like his legs were tired, and Mary had better shoes, and Mary had eaten a candy bar, and he just didn't feel like running. But reality is that Mary usually wins their dash races, or comes in second or third. She has been one of the top runners in their class since first grade, but John simply seems to "forget" everything about Mary. On the day he won the 20 yard dash, he comforted her and told her she would get better if she kept trying.
Why did John do that? Because he's human, and humans do that when we don't pay attention. We especially do it to those who are younger or smaller, and we tend to do it more to females than males. We do it more to those who don't raise red flags in our subconscious about condescension. For example, we would probably do it much more quickly to a clerk than a manager. Much more quickly to a female trainee than a male trainee. Much more quickly to a short male trainee than a tall one. Much more quickly to a student than a teacher. Much more quickly to a female patient or client than a male one.
When we DON'T do it, it's not always because we are vigilant and aware, and respectful of others. It's often just because our subconscious gave us a little 'red flag' warning before we started talking, so we redirected ourselves and did not condescend. In other words, our tendency as humans IS to DO IT, and we don't do it, usually, only because we stop ourselves from doing it because of the OTHER PERSON, because of their size, their sex, or their position. Often factors like race, facial expression, or even the car they drive or their clothes and appearance, or their age can set off our little warning flags. If we don't get any red flag warnings, then we just seem to "forget" all about the evidence we have seen that indicate the experience, intelligence, and capability of that person, and we speak to them as if they "just jumped off the turnip truck". Most of us have this blind spot. We can become more aware just by paying more attention.
No One Cares?
It is
just as difficult for an "abuser" to have a genuine friend, or genuine
support network, or get proper mental health care, as a "target". The
epidemic of narcissism is far and wide, and refusing to be supportive
toward friends and family IS the most common and obvious symptom. People
leave strangers, even children, lying in the street after a heart
attack or getting hit by a car. They stand there
and watch in a crowd while a person drowns. That's the same reaction as
refusing to act as a supportive ally toward a friend or a family
member, and instead withdrawing, or blaming them, throwing hands in the
air and claiming "too busy!" when the only things they're "too busy"
with is having a good life and making money. If you need a supportive
friend, talk to someone who's not a narcissist, who is an actual adult.
Even if they're walking through fire in their own lives, they will have
time to lend an ear, or a shoulder, or a cup of coffee, and they won't
blame you, judge you, or criticize you. A narcissist will, because it
makes them feel smart or powerful or something. Seek genuine hearts,
even if they're going through pain and tribulation themselves, they will
still have time to talk; they don't set a "price" for friendship ,and they don't want to be bowed to. They're hard to find, but when you do find one, respect them and their boundaries, don't overstep at all, and be very grateful, because you are very lucky to have found one.
Respect My Authority! Control Issues, Authority and Status
Taking
on an air of "authority" is common in controllers. They desire control,
so they imagine themselves as an "authority person". They will seem to
take on the behavior, intonation, language and body language of some
kind of authority figure, such as a stern, controlling parent, or a
stern Headmaster, or a stern Boss, or the way they imagine an "official"
acts, a coach, or all of the above. If they knew a such a person in their youth, they may just mimic that person, sometimes right down to specific words and phrases.
Because they have taken on this "authoritative role", they imagine that
they deserve the extra "respect" that they think such an authority
person is entitled to. They don't really understand CONTEXT. In other
words, they don't realize that the Headmaster was acting in the
Headmaster position, and the authority and "power" he or she seemed to
wield was not INNATE, but was only relevant within the position of
Headmaster. When the Headmaster was not performing the job, the
"authority" was set down, and not present. The Headmaster was not a "Headmaster" in the
rest of life, and did not have innate authority and power just because
of WHO HE WAS, or WHO SHE WAS, as if their very being gave them
automatic Entitlement.
A person with control issues may see the whole world in the context of "STATUS". They may believe that their sex or their race gives them an automatic "authority" or "status" position. They may believe that becoming a Wife means status and authority; becoming a Husband means status and authority; becoming a Mother is a "status position", or becoming a Father is a "status position". They often transfer this to the world, as well, not just in the home. So they believe that "Father" is a status title, or "Mother", or "Husband", or "Wife". They may see it only a little, or not see it at all, as a relationship, or a partnership, or caring for, loving, and raising children.
This is one reason why some people will hold on to a relationship or marriage that is obviously terrible, even if they have told their spouse that they hate them, or are regularly betraying them. They aren't holding on to the PERSON, they are holding on to what they believe is a status position.
There is a gap in understanding authority and hierarchy. They may see their own mother or father's actions and tone as their entire personality, and the authority he or she seems to possess as all-encompassing. A child may mimic a parent's intonations and body language because they think they will "become" one of the ADULTS, and thereby have authority OVER their siblings. This mimicry can be seen in all kinds of situations where there is a leader in a group; a youth will mimic a coach, a scout leader, a clergy person, a teacher, or an employer, and expect to "become" an authority figure because they have taken on the traits or character of such a person.
Just like a youth will mimic a famous musician because they aspire to become a famous musician, a controller will mimic an authority figure because they want to "become" an authority figure. In their minds, authority figures are "natural" authority figures, and if they "become" one, they will automatically be entitled to superior respect and special treatment.
This is where ego-injury can often be seen ~ when a controller is not actually IN such an authority position, he or she will probably NOT get treated with extra respect. This can feel like DISRESPECT to them, so they can become very offended or angry, and some may become abusive. Also, when a controller over-uses his or her "authority" when they are actually in an authority position, those "under" them (employees, children, students) will eventually become tired of their control issues and rebel.
Those who do not desire control can find it hard to imagine that a person would actually WANT to be "in charge", just to be in charge. A controller will actually take a job that will let them be in control over others, regardless of what the job actually is.
This can be seen in all fields and areas of human-care, including teaching, coaching, medical, psychology, and caregiving. Those who take jobs for this reason are not taking the job for reasons of caregiving, and serious problems usually occur.
Controllers may want to get married or have children so they can have (in their minds) family members to be "in charge of". They are not getting married for actual partnership, and they are not having children to actually raise human beings into happy, well-rounded adults. They are simply trying to procure a position of "status" that THEY believe will entitle them to authority over others.
Controllers will actually go through the work to acquire a college degree, even a law or medical degree, just to procure a position of authority and entitlement. They can become depressed when they actually start working and realize that they did not procure the authority they had assumed they would. They can often become tyrannical toward employees, and arrogant toward clients.
Controllers even often make "friends" with those they think they can play "authority" over, who won't protest very much, or who they believe is less intelligent, capable, or physically strong. When their target "friend" doesn't appreciate their attempts at "authority" over them, they can become very offended and angry, as if the target "friend" is the one who is "out of line".
They take on these control behaviors because they believe they will become a "natural authority person", and therefore will be ENTITLED to authority, in their imagination. That's how they may actually believe the "world" works. And it does, but only within circles of people with control issues and status obsession.
M.M.Black
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| http://www.danladds.com/167/royal-wedding-retrospect/ |
A person with control issues may see the whole world in the context of "STATUS". They may believe that their sex or their race gives them an automatic "authority" or "status" position. They may believe that becoming a Wife means status and authority; becoming a Husband means status and authority; becoming a Mother is a "status position", or becoming a Father is a "status position". They often transfer this to the world, as well, not just in the home. So they believe that "Father" is a status title, or "Mother", or "Husband", or "Wife". They may see it only a little, or not see it at all, as a relationship, or a partnership, or caring for, loving, and raising children.
This is one reason why some people will hold on to a relationship or marriage that is obviously terrible, even if they have told their spouse that they hate them, or are regularly betraying them. They aren't holding on to the PERSON, they are holding on to what they believe is a status position.
There is a gap in understanding authority and hierarchy. They may see their own mother or father's actions and tone as their entire personality, and the authority he or she seems to possess as all-encompassing. A child may mimic a parent's intonations and body language because they think they will "become" one of the ADULTS, and thereby have authority OVER their siblings. This mimicry can be seen in all kinds of situations where there is a leader in a group; a youth will mimic a coach, a scout leader, a clergy person, a teacher, or an employer, and expect to "become" an authority figure because they have taken on the traits or character of such a person.
Just like a youth will mimic a famous musician because they aspire to become a famous musician, a controller will mimic an authority figure because they want to "become" an authority figure. In their minds, authority figures are "natural" authority figures, and if they "become" one, they will automatically be entitled to superior respect and special treatment.
This is where ego-injury can often be seen ~ when a controller is not actually IN such an authority position, he or she will probably NOT get treated with extra respect. This can feel like DISRESPECT to them, so they can become very offended or angry, and some may become abusive. Also, when a controller over-uses his or her "authority" when they are actually in an authority position, those "under" them (employees, children, students) will eventually become tired of their control issues and rebel.
Those who do not desire control can find it hard to imagine that a person would actually WANT to be "in charge", just to be in charge. A controller will actually take a job that will let them be in control over others, regardless of what the job actually is.
This can be seen in all fields and areas of human-care, including teaching, coaching, medical, psychology, and caregiving. Those who take jobs for this reason are not taking the job for reasons of caregiving, and serious problems usually occur.
Controllers may want to get married or have children so they can have (in their minds) family members to be "in charge of". They are not getting married for actual partnership, and they are not having children to actually raise human beings into happy, well-rounded adults. They are simply trying to procure a position of "status" that THEY believe will entitle them to authority over others.
Controllers will actually go through the work to acquire a college degree, even a law or medical degree, just to procure a position of authority and entitlement. They can become depressed when they actually start working and realize that they did not procure the authority they had assumed they would. They can often become tyrannical toward employees, and arrogant toward clients.
Controllers even often make "friends" with those they think they can play "authority" over, who won't protest very much, or who they believe is less intelligent, capable, or physically strong. When their target "friend" doesn't appreciate their attempts at "authority" over them, they can become very offended and angry, as if the target "friend" is the one who is "out of line".
They take on these control behaviors because they believe they will become a "natural authority person", and therefore will be ENTITLED to authority, in their imagination. That's how they may actually believe the "world" works. And it does, but only within circles of people with control issues and status obsession.
M.M.Black
Beauty and People Beliefs
We all reach adulthood in age and body whether we actually matured or not. Most of us bring many of our childhood assumptions and judgments about others with us, and forget to grow out of them for one reason or another. Sometimes, hopefully, we catch ourselves and have a V8 moment of "wow, I've been thinking that way and didn't even realize it!"
Some of these misperceptions and beliefs that some of us actually truly believe, and live lives by, include:
>The appearance and looks of a person reflects who and what they are inside.
>A person is easy to figure out after meeting them once or twice.
>Women who are "beautiful" think about sex, and must have sex.
(basic projection; when A finds B sexy, A imagines that B finds herself sexy too, and therefore believes that B thinks about sex like A does. A could be male or female.)
>Men who are "beautiful" are all players.
(envy and projection; C imagines that if he were as good looking as D, that's what he would be doing, and would be able to "get away with it".Also jealousy: E imagines that D would never be attracted to her and feels resentment, so she creates a negative profile of D in her mind.) )
>When a woman smiles at a man, or acts friendly, it's because she's sexually attracted to him.
>Ability and intelligence are based on height.
>Ability and intelligence are based on gender.
>Women have only a fraction of the body strength that men have.
>Men are natural leaders, women are natural followers.
>All women are very similar mentally.
>All men are very similar mentally.
>All men are physically stronger than all women, automatically, and are born with a natural ability to build and repair things, which women are not born with.
>All women are physically weaker but more graceful than all men, automatically, and are born with a natural ability to nurture and care for others, which men are not born with.
>All Caucasians are very similar to one another.
>All Africans are very similar to one another.
>All Asians are very similar to one another.
>(Etc.)
>Beauty and good looks are seen the same way by everyone. If I think a woman is beautiful, that means everyone else does, too. If I think a man is unattractive, that means everyone else does, too.
>Taller and bigger people are better leaders, and more grown-up.
(This is a childhood imprint left-over; adults are taller and bigger, and are the leaders who make things happen and control the resources. That feeling of "whoever is tall or big is an adult" gets imprinted and remains into adulthood)
>Shorter and smaller people are more child-like, and it's okay to boss them around and invade their space.
(Also a childhood imprint left-over; anyone who is shorter than me is younger than me, and is therefore a child, and therefore has less experience, maturity, and authority than I do. And, it is okay to pick up a child, take things away from a child, condescend to a child, and invade their space.)
>Short men have "short man's complex".
>Tall men aren't as bright.
>Short women are like children, and not very strong, and don't have the same rights as other people, and it's okay to treat them with less respect.
>Tall women are stuck-up, bitchy, and like to boss men around.
>Tall women and tall men are automatically beautiful and more attractive, and everyone thinks so.
>All men are attracted to small women, and also women with large breasts.
>All women want men who are rich, or who are physically strong and "tough".
>All women like the same things, and don't like "man" stuff.
>All men like the same things, and don't like "woman" stuff.
>EVERYTHING is divided into "Man Stuff" and "Women Stuff".
>Marijuana is the devil.
>Marijuana is not a drug and has zero ill side effects.
>College degrees indicate intelligence, not having a college degree indicates lower intelligence and lack of capability.
There are of course many more, but all of them are based on a kind of black and white thinking, or "pink and blue" thinking. Young children will often rate an attractive teacher as "nicer" than an older or less attractive teacher on the first day of school, before they have had any interaction with either teacher. Adults will vote for the taller candidate and promote the taller applicant. You can probably find examples of this kind of perceptual immaturity right in your own home, maybe even in yourself and didn't realize it. These are basically snips of childhood that we didn't grow out of for one reason or another, and sometimes nothing big enough happens to shake our tree and make us realize we were thinking this way.
But, some people are INVESTED in these beliefs and perceptions; they came to see the world this way and felt SAFE at some point, so they KEPT these pocket beliefs, HELD ON to them, and simply decided to stay there. They may have even been taught these things by adults who were emotionally invested in this way.
M.M.Black
Some of these misperceptions and beliefs that some of us actually truly believe, and live lives by, include:
>The appearance and looks of a person reflects who and what they are inside.
>A person is easy to figure out after meeting them once or twice.
>Women who are "beautiful" think about sex, and must have sex.
(basic projection; when A finds B sexy, A imagines that B finds herself sexy too, and therefore believes that B thinks about sex like A does. A could be male or female.)
>Men who are "beautiful" are all players.
(envy and projection; C imagines that if he were as good looking as D, that's what he would be doing, and would be able to "get away with it".Also jealousy: E imagines that D would never be attracted to her and feels resentment, so she creates a negative profile of D in her mind.) )
>When a woman smiles at a man, or acts friendly, it's because she's sexually attracted to him.
>Ability and intelligence are based on height.
>Ability and intelligence are based on gender.
>Women have only a fraction of the body strength that men have.
>Men are natural leaders, women are natural followers.
>All women are very similar mentally.
>All men are very similar mentally.
>All men are physically stronger than all women, automatically, and are born with a natural ability to build and repair things, which women are not born with.
>All women are physically weaker but more graceful than all men, automatically, and are born with a natural ability to nurture and care for others, which men are not born with.
>All Caucasians are very similar to one another.
>All Africans are very similar to one another.
>All Asians are very similar to one another.
>(Etc.)
>Beauty and good looks are seen the same way by everyone. If I think a woman is beautiful, that means everyone else does, too. If I think a man is unattractive, that means everyone else does, too.
>Taller and bigger people are better leaders, and more grown-up.
(This is a childhood imprint left-over; adults are taller and bigger, and are the leaders who make things happen and control the resources. That feeling of "whoever is tall or big is an adult" gets imprinted and remains into adulthood)
>Shorter and smaller people are more child-like, and it's okay to boss them around and invade their space.
(Also a childhood imprint left-over; anyone who is shorter than me is younger than me, and is therefore a child, and therefore has less experience, maturity, and authority than I do. And, it is okay to pick up a child, take things away from a child, condescend to a child, and invade their space.)
>Short men have "short man's complex".
>Tall men aren't as bright.
>Short women are like children, and not very strong, and don't have the same rights as other people, and it's okay to treat them with less respect.
>Tall women are stuck-up, bitchy, and like to boss men around.
>Tall women and tall men are automatically beautiful and more attractive, and everyone thinks so.
>All men are attracted to small women, and also women with large breasts.
>All women want men who are rich, or who are physically strong and "tough".
>All women like the same things, and don't like "man" stuff.
>All men like the same things, and don't like "woman" stuff.
>EVERYTHING is divided into "Man Stuff" and "Women Stuff".
>Marijuana is the devil.
>Marijuana is not a drug and has zero ill side effects.
>College degrees indicate intelligence, not having a college degree indicates lower intelligence and lack of capability.
There are of course many more, but all of them are based on a kind of black and white thinking, or "pink and blue" thinking. Young children will often rate an attractive teacher as "nicer" than an older or less attractive teacher on the first day of school, before they have had any interaction with either teacher. Adults will vote for the taller candidate and promote the taller applicant. You can probably find examples of this kind of perceptual immaturity right in your own home, maybe even in yourself and didn't realize it. These are basically snips of childhood that we didn't grow out of for one reason or another, and sometimes nothing big enough happens to shake our tree and make us realize we were thinking this way.
But, some people are INVESTED in these beliefs and perceptions; they came to see the world this way and felt SAFE at some point, so they KEPT these pocket beliefs, HELD ON to them, and simply decided to stay there. They may have even been taught these things by adults who were emotionally invested in this way.
M.M.Black
Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess
Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will
soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from
the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every
subject and at every opportunity.
Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.
Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.
Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.
I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.
Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.
Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.
Amen”
― Margot Benary-Isbert
Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.
Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.
Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.
I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.
Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.
Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.
Amen”
― Margot Benary-Isbert
Bad Ass
Really sick of this culture of "tough" and "bad ass" and "I'll kick their ass", it's so freaking boring. How is that ego-display any different from morally superior judgment ego-display, or intellectual superiority ego-display? They're exactly the same thing, and they're all based in control, and they all lead to...
BORING.
There's no sharing point of view, there's no listening to another person's
ideas or experiences, no cooperation to build cool things or make life
better (actually better), there's no giving a crap about others or
caring for their well-being, it's just control, control, I'm in control,
I'm a bad-ass so you better listen to me...I'm smarter than you so you
better bow to me... I'm higher in God's eyes so I have the right to look
down on you and you better listen to me... I'm BIGGER THAN YOU so you
better listen to me...I have bad-ass friends so you better listen to
me... I'm rich so you better listen to me... I have a degree so you
better listen to me... I'm enlightened so you better listen to me... I'm
a woman so you better listen me... I'm a man so you better listen to
me... give me a freaking break. Humans are humans are humans. ALL
CONTROL IS FROM THE SAME EXACT PLACE. There is no reason that gives that
entitlement, like a little crown on a person's head. We are all here on
the same ride, it would be WAY MORE FUN if so many kiddies would stop
trying to be the BOSS over the other kids.
Why People Treat You Like You're Incapable
When some people keep criticizing you when you do certain things, it may be because they don't want you to do that thing, period.
They don't want you to be proficient at it, or gain confidence in your ability.
John goes down to the ball field to practice. Several other kids are there practicing too, with a couple adults. When Bill gets up to hit, everyone says "go Bill, you can do it, nice job", whether he gets a hit or not. When Jeff gets up to hit, everyone says "go Jeff, nice swing, good job", even if he doesn't get a hit. When John gets up to hit, only a couple of people say "go John". John has an excellent swing and gets a hit on the third pitch, but instead of saying "nice hit, John, good job", one of the adults tells him what he did "wrong". The other kids hear this and chime in too, giving John all kinds of criticisms about his stance, his swing, even the way he runs. They call these "pointers", and "constructive criticism". Reality is, John is one of the best hitters, and the adult is jealous. John is a better hitter than his own child, and seems more skilled than he was at the same age. With enough of this focused, contrived "constructive criticism", John will eventually stop coming to practice, lose interest in baseball, feel like he doesn't fit in, or stop believing that he has any reason to believe he could be good at baseball.
When Susan picks up a hammer and a saw, she's in Heaven, she feels creative and at peace. She loves to build things. Every time one of the people in the neighborhood see her building something, either another kid or an adult, they try to pick out something she's doing "wrong", even if they know very little or nothing about carpentry. They give her all kinds of advice that she doesn't ask for, and they "assess" her work. They compare things she builds and makes to things their uncles, fathers, or grandfathers have made. The only person who does not constantly try to pick her apart is her brother, but his friends all do it every chance they get. Eventually Susan starts trying to hide her projects, but when someone hears her sawing, banging or drilling, they will either make a comment or find her and comment on what she's doing. If they can't find something wrong with what she's doing, they will pick on her clothes or her hair. If that doesn't work, they'll say what she's doing is dangerous. If that doesn't work, they'll try to criticize the actual equipment she's using. Every criticism will be denied, or called "Constructive criticism". The invasion of her space will be denied and laughed off, and if she stands up for herself against their behavior, they will criticize her for that, too.
Really it's a campaign to stop Susan from doing carpentry, because everyone in the neighborhood wants carpentry to be a "male" thing. They don't care about reality, or Susan, obviously. All they care about is trying to force her into fitting into their stereotypes that comfort them. Susan's proficiency and enthusiasm destroy their illusions about males and females, so they target Susan and try to make her STOP. (Hopefully, her brother will remain a solid friend to her and keep supporting her and seeing her for who she really is, and not give in to the peer pressure from his ignorant and immature friends. She will need his friendship and support, otherwise she will probably give up due to the stress of the constant harassment, and give up the very thing that brings her peace and confidence.)
They don't want you to be proficient at it, or gain confidence in your ability.
John goes down to the ball field to practice. Several other kids are there practicing too, with a couple adults. When Bill gets up to hit, everyone says "go Bill, you can do it, nice job", whether he gets a hit or not. When Jeff gets up to hit, everyone says "go Jeff, nice swing, good job", even if he doesn't get a hit. When John gets up to hit, only a couple of people say "go John". John has an excellent swing and gets a hit on the third pitch, but instead of saying "nice hit, John, good job", one of the adults tells him what he did "wrong". The other kids hear this and chime in too, giving John all kinds of criticisms about his stance, his swing, even the way he runs. They call these "pointers", and "constructive criticism". Reality is, John is one of the best hitters, and the adult is jealous. John is a better hitter than his own child, and seems more skilled than he was at the same age. With enough of this focused, contrived "constructive criticism", John will eventually stop coming to practice, lose interest in baseball, feel like he doesn't fit in, or stop believing that he has any reason to believe he could be good at baseball.
When Susan picks up a hammer and a saw, she's in Heaven, she feels creative and at peace. She loves to build things. Every time one of the people in the neighborhood see her building something, either another kid or an adult, they try to pick out something she's doing "wrong", even if they know very little or nothing about carpentry. They give her all kinds of advice that she doesn't ask for, and they "assess" her work. They compare things she builds and makes to things their uncles, fathers, or grandfathers have made. The only person who does not constantly try to pick her apart is her brother, but his friends all do it every chance they get. Eventually Susan starts trying to hide her projects, but when someone hears her sawing, banging or drilling, they will either make a comment or find her and comment on what she's doing. If they can't find something wrong with what she's doing, they will pick on her clothes or her hair. If that doesn't work, they'll say what she's doing is dangerous. If that doesn't work, they'll try to criticize the actual equipment she's using. Every criticism will be denied, or called "Constructive criticism". The invasion of her space will be denied and laughed off, and if she stands up for herself against their behavior, they will criticize her for that, too.
Really it's a campaign to stop Susan from doing carpentry, because everyone in the neighborhood wants carpentry to be a "male" thing. They don't care about reality, or Susan, obviously. All they care about is trying to force her into fitting into their stereotypes that comfort them. Susan's proficiency and enthusiasm destroy their illusions about males and females, so they target Susan and try to make her STOP. (Hopefully, her brother will remain a solid friend to her and keep supporting her and seeing her for who she really is, and not give in to the peer pressure from his ignorant and immature friends. She will need his friendship and support, otherwise she will probably give up due to the stress of the constant harassment, and give up the very thing that brings her peace and confidence.)
First Impressions
Many people will think they KNOW YOU based on a short list of little things they think they noticed about you.
Have you ever heard "I didn't know you had it in you!"
or "I didn't think you could do that!" or "I had him/her all wrong". Those statements reflect that someone had believed they knew "all about" someone, and had no doubt, even after several years.
They may have met you 5 minutes ago, or 20 years ago. Those who met you 5 minutes ago will often think they've accurately assessed you based on about 5 superficial things that can't possibly reflect who you are, like your size, your sex, your appearance (clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry), the sound of your voice, and most importantly, how you "make them" FEEL. They will probably assess you as "nice" if you seemed friendly to them; they will probably assess you as "not nice" if you did not give them the feeling that you were paying enough attention to them.
If you are dressed conservatively, they will see that as your personality. If you are wearing an Armani suit, they will think they know why. If you are wearing torn jeans, they may think that's what you always wear, and that you don't have any other clothes. If you are dirty from working, they will assess you as a "hard worker" if you're male, but if you're a woman, they won't, they'll just think you should be cleaner (even if they saw you working.) If you are very well groomed, they may instantly assess you one way if you're a man, and another way if you're a woman. (It's not actually about YOU, it's about THEM.) If you are very tall or very small, their assessment will be focused around that, and they will often believe they are either stronger and more experienced than you, or weaker and less experienced than you. If your skin color or hair color is different, they will focus their assessment around that. "She's nice for a white lady" or "He's nice for a black guy", etc. These "assessments" are not based in reality or logic, they are based only on reactions that developed in childhood and adolescence. (There's hardly any actual intellectual activity going on, and very little awareness of personal bias, prejudice, or assumptions.)
Those who met you 20 years ago did that same assessment after 5 minutes, back when they met you 20 years ago. Since then, they have built their impression of you STILL on the way your behavior makes THEM feel. They may not know that you're an excellent cook, or that you rescue animals on a regular basis, or that you used to own your own company, or that you race motorcycles, or that you are a sculptor, etc., even after 20 years. Why? Because they think they already knew everything about you a long time ago. They created a "profile" of you in their imagination years ago, and that's what they believe about you. Their profile of you is most likely pretty far off the mark, and are missing large chunks of the reality of "YOU".
Humans do this kind of assuming that they "know" much more than they actually do all the time. It's our subconscious's way of protecting us from our own anxiety, which lets us move through life without constantly getting STUCK. But without the awareness that our brains do this, we tend to believe our assumptions fully, and don't remember that we DON'T KNOW everything about a thing, a subject, or a PERSON. (If we know how to make an omelette, we might think we're an excellent cook, and that we are Omelette Masters. We think we know basically everything there is about making Omelettes, so we don't seek more information, and we don't want to hear someone TELL US how THEY make an omelette. We do this with everything, sometimes just a little, and sometimes to a ridiculous degree. Some do it less, some do it more.)
When people meet you, what do they see?
Picture what the world looks and sounds like when you are wearing a helmet with a face shield. What can you see and hear? It's not even close to what's really around you. You can't see much, and you can't hear much, compared to when you're not wearing it. If you see a bird, you might not be able to tell what kind of bird it is. If someone is dancing 10 feet away from you, you can't see them unless you turn toward them. Sounds are muffled, language is unclear. Vision is limited. Your mind ADAPTS to the limitation of the helmet, and you learn to drive your motorcycle or your race car with less information than you would have normally. When a person meets you, they might as well be wearing a helmet. Very little information gets through, but they believe they got most of the picture anyway. Many will believe they have learned more than enough to know "what you're about". They're not aware that they're wearing a mental helmet. Many will even FILL IN their imagination about what you do in your spare time, how smart you are, how physically strong you are, what you are CAPABLE of or NOT capable of, HOW you grew up, whether you're rich or poor, your VALUES, your BELIEFS, and what you think about THEM.
Many people who have known you for 20 years will also FILL IN their imaginations about you, and believe they are right, and never question their assumptions. They will continue to treat you as if YOU ARE the pretend-person they have created in their imagination. Your pretend-profile in their minds is actually about THEM, not you. They build it in accordance with what makes them feel okay.
For example, many people will subconsciously attribute parental qualities to those who are taller then they are, and attribute child-like traits to those who are smaller than they are. This is magnified with people who are very tall or very short. They will asses the exact same behavior DIFFERENTLY when a taller person does it than when a shorter person does it. This is NOT about the other person, this is about THEM.
They don't know to separate their own feelings from who you are:
>Many will assess you as stuck-up, or even sexually promiscuous, if THEY find YOU attractive (even if you're wearing a turtle neck).
>Many will decide you are fragile as glass, or solid as a rock, just from one look at your arms, hands, maybe your shoulders.
>They may decide that you're a drug-user from something as silly as looking at your shoes or your hair.
>They may decide what you do for a living, or what you CAN'T DO, just from looking at you for one second.
And they will often BELIEVE these assessments, without ever finding out ANYTHING about you in reality. They may never doubt these assessments at all.
Another example, if they have identified themselves as a "great cook" or a "spiritual healer", then they may imagine that you are NOT a great cook, or ignorant about "spiritual healing", so they won't feel challenged or outshined. If you actually ARE a great cook or have experience with spiritual healing, they may try to dismiss anything you do or say that shows that you are. So in their pretend profile of you, you can't cook much, and you're a novice/beginner in spiritual healing, so they can be the expert.
If you received your degree from the top chef school in America, they may still rationalize that you're not "really" a chef, or that you probably barely passed, or that you must have had help.
The REALLY WEIRD thing about this common habit of extreme over-confidence in assessing others and believing these imaginary profiles is this:
When you do something that proves one of these assumptions WRONG, the ASSUMER may become UPSET, as if YOU DID something to hurt their feelings or disrespect them!!! They can actually feel OFFENDED that you are NOT what they wanted you to be. So if they had you pegged as someone who CAN'T use tools, and you go and change your own oil filter, they can actually get MAD AT YOU, and maybe not LIKE YOU anymore.
If they want you to be a person who is AFRAID of reptiles, because it makes THEM feel "tough", and you catch a snake that's on the path in front of you, they can actually get MAD AT YOU, as if you've just done something TO THEM by not playing out their imaginary profile they made for you.
Relationships with those who create imaginary profiles of you can be difficult, confusing, and dramatic. They are not operating in reality, so you can't build a REAL friendship with them based on REAL things. They will continue to treat you according to their imaginary profile of you, maybe forever.
As far as "first impressions" go, understanding that a very large number of humans will believe they know all about you in the first 5 minutes of meeting you might help explain why people talk about that and try to teach youths why it's important. OF COURSE it's silly that people assume things about you in the first minute of meeting you, but that's what they do, so being aware of that fact can help make life go more smoothly. If you actually want that job, dress to look more like a conservative person, and don't worry about the interviewer not "seeing" who you really are. They probably don't have the ABILITY to see you for who you are, and they can't anyway in that small amount of time, even if they were a genius. They are looking for very basic superficial signals that might not even make sense, they might be TERRIBLE at assessing other people. But you want that job, so give the interviewer what they are looking for, even if it feels alien to you. First impressions are MORE important when dealing with those who are LESS ABLE to understand that there is much more to a person than whatever they assume in the first 5 minutes, and your awareness of this is even more important.
M.M.Black
Have you ever heard "I didn't know you had it in you!"
or "I didn't think you could do that!" or "I had him/her all wrong". Those statements reflect that someone had believed they knew "all about" someone, and had no doubt, even after several years.
They may have met you 5 minutes ago, or 20 years ago. Those who met you 5 minutes ago will often think they've accurately assessed you based on about 5 superficial things that can't possibly reflect who you are, like your size, your sex, your appearance (clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry), the sound of your voice, and most importantly, how you "make them" FEEL. They will probably assess you as "nice" if you seemed friendly to them; they will probably assess you as "not nice" if you did not give them the feeling that you were paying enough attention to them.
If you are dressed conservatively, they will see that as your personality. If you are wearing an Armani suit, they will think they know why. If you are wearing torn jeans, they may think that's what you always wear, and that you don't have any other clothes. If you are dirty from working, they will assess you as a "hard worker" if you're male, but if you're a woman, they won't, they'll just think you should be cleaner (even if they saw you working.) If you are very well groomed, they may instantly assess you one way if you're a man, and another way if you're a woman. (It's not actually about YOU, it's about THEM.) If you are very tall or very small, their assessment will be focused around that, and they will often believe they are either stronger and more experienced than you, or weaker and less experienced than you. If your skin color or hair color is different, they will focus their assessment around that. "She's nice for a white lady" or "He's nice for a black guy", etc. These "assessments" are not based in reality or logic, they are based only on reactions that developed in childhood and adolescence. (There's hardly any actual intellectual activity going on, and very little awareness of personal bias, prejudice, or assumptions.)
Those who met you 20 years ago did that same assessment after 5 minutes, back when they met you 20 years ago. Since then, they have built their impression of you STILL on the way your behavior makes THEM feel. They may not know that you're an excellent cook, or that you rescue animals on a regular basis, or that you used to own your own company, or that you race motorcycles, or that you are a sculptor, etc., even after 20 years. Why? Because they think they already knew everything about you a long time ago. They created a "profile" of you in their imagination years ago, and that's what they believe about you. Their profile of you is most likely pretty far off the mark, and are missing large chunks of the reality of "YOU".
Humans do this kind of assuming that they "know" much more than they actually do all the time. It's our subconscious's way of protecting us from our own anxiety, which lets us move through life without constantly getting STUCK. But without the awareness that our brains do this, we tend to believe our assumptions fully, and don't remember that we DON'T KNOW everything about a thing, a subject, or a PERSON. (If we know how to make an omelette, we might think we're an excellent cook, and that we are Omelette Masters. We think we know basically everything there is about making Omelettes, so we don't seek more information, and we don't want to hear someone TELL US how THEY make an omelette. We do this with everything, sometimes just a little, and sometimes to a ridiculous degree. Some do it less, some do it more.)
When people meet you, what do they see?
Picture what the world looks and sounds like when you are wearing a helmet with a face shield. What can you see and hear? It's not even close to what's really around you. You can't see much, and you can't hear much, compared to when you're not wearing it. If you see a bird, you might not be able to tell what kind of bird it is. If someone is dancing 10 feet away from you, you can't see them unless you turn toward them. Sounds are muffled, language is unclear. Vision is limited. Your mind ADAPTS to the limitation of the helmet, and you learn to drive your motorcycle or your race car with less information than you would have normally. When a person meets you, they might as well be wearing a helmet. Very little information gets through, but they believe they got most of the picture anyway. Many will believe they have learned more than enough to know "what you're about". They're not aware that they're wearing a mental helmet. Many will even FILL IN their imagination about what you do in your spare time, how smart you are, how physically strong you are, what you are CAPABLE of or NOT capable of, HOW you grew up, whether you're rich or poor, your VALUES, your BELIEFS, and what you think about THEM.
Many people who have known you for 20 years will also FILL IN their imaginations about you, and believe they are right, and never question their assumptions. They will continue to treat you as if YOU ARE the pretend-person they have created in their imagination. Your pretend-profile in their minds is actually about THEM, not you. They build it in accordance with what makes them feel okay.
For example, many people will subconsciously attribute parental qualities to those who are taller then they are, and attribute child-like traits to those who are smaller than they are. This is magnified with people who are very tall or very short. They will asses the exact same behavior DIFFERENTLY when a taller person does it than when a shorter person does it. This is NOT about the other person, this is about THEM.
They don't know to separate their own feelings from who you are:
>Many will assess you as stuck-up, or even sexually promiscuous, if THEY find YOU attractive (even if you're wearing a turtle neck).
>Many will decide you are fragile as glass, or solid as a rock, just from one look at your arms, hands, maybe your shoulders.
>They may decide that you're a drug-user from something as silly as looking at your shoes or your hair.
>They may decide what you do for a living, or what you CAN'T DO, just from looking at you for one second.
And they will often BELIEVE these assessments, without ever finding out ANYTHING about you in reality. They may never doubt these assessments at all.
Another example, if they have identified themselves as a "great cook" or a "spiritual healer", then they may imagine that you are NOT a great cook, or ignorant about "spiritual healing", so they won't feel challenged or outshined. If you actually ARE a great cook or have experience with spiritual healing, they may try to dismiss anything you do or say that shows that you are. So in their pretend profile of you, you can't cook much, and you're a novice/beginner in spiritual healing, so they can be the expert.
If you received your degree from the top chef school in America, they may still rationalize that you're not "really" a chef, or that you probably barely passed, or that you must have had help.
The REALLY WEIRD thing about this common habit of extreme over-confidence in assessing others and believing these imaginary profiles is this:
When you do something that proves one of these assumptions WRONG, the ASSUMER may become UPSET, as if YOU DID something to hurt their feelings or disrespect them!!! They can actually feel OFFENDED that you are NOT what they wanted you to be. So if they had you pegged as someone who CAN'T use tools, and you go and change your own oil filter, they can actually get MAD AT YOU, and maybe not LIKE YOU anymore.
If they want you to be a person who is AFRAID of reptiles, because it makes THEM feel "tough", and you catch a snake that's on the path in front of you, they can actually get MAD AT YOU, as if you've just done something TO THEM by not playing out their imaginary profile they made for you.
Relationships with those who create imaginary profiles of you can be difficult, confusing, and dramatic. They are not operating in reality, so you can't build a REAL friendship with them based on REAL things. They will continue to treat you according to their imaginary profile of you, maybe forever.
As far as "first impressions" go, understanding that a very large number of humans will believe they know all about you in the first 5 minutes of meeting you might help explain why people talk about that and try to teach youths why it's important. OF COURSE it's silly that people assume things about you in the first minute of meeting you, but that's what they do, so being aware of that fact can help make life go more smoothly. If you actually want that job, dress to look more like a conservative person, and don't worry about the interviewer not "seeing" who you really are. They probably don't have the ABILITY to see you for who you are, and they can't anyway in that small amount of time, even if they were a genius. They are looking for very basic superficial signals that might not even make sense, they might be TERRIBLE at assessing other people. But you want that job, so give the interviewer what they are looking for, even if it feels alien to you. First impressions are MORE important when dealing with those who are LESS ABLE to understand that there is much more to a person than whatever they assume in the first 5 minutes, and your awareness of this is even more important.
M.M.Black
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