Too Many Laws?

When a government or institution is seen to pass an excessive number of laws it is usually in direct proportion to the lack of self-governing and self-discipline among its citizens or members.

In other words, when the monkeys act like rabid apes, the cage door slams shut. 

If the monkeys weren't screaming, jumping, and attacking each other they would be in control and they would have seen the zookeeper coming.

Male and Female Condescension

A common thing that male narcissists do is condescend about anything that relates to "intellectual knowledge", especially about subjects that they think is "male oriented", like trades, sports, or business. This is because they paid attention to what they could get away with for a long time. "If I talk down to the girls at school about fixing cars, I won't get in trouble, and most of the girls don't know much about fixing cars so I can get away with it, even if I don't know what I'm talking about." (This is why they *hate* women who are knowledgeable in trades, or any other subject they think males should "own")
If you've ever witnessed two male narcissists talk about something "male oriented", it's actually amusing, they will "spar" with each other for an hour straight about a single subject. Because neither of them are actually an expert, they both keep verbally circling each other until they get tired or bored.

A common thing female narcissists do is condescend about anything that relates to "emotional knowledge" or "life advice". In the same way that male narcs. learned what they could get away with, female narcs learned that they could condescend to others with "emotional or life advice", and anything else that they think females "own", like cooking, cleaning, grooming, and child raising.
Female narcs., like male narcs, are more likely to condescend to FEMALES, because it's EASIER to get away with. Not just because the female they are targeting is less likely to bite, but because they have learned that it is unlikely that anyone else will stand up for the female against condescension or domination. So they learn that if a female target shows or expresses any emotional distress, this is an OPPORTUNITY to get a "hit" of supply. They like to call it "constructive criticism". So if a female target comes home from a terrible day at work or school, and says "I had such a bad day, this person is just so nasty to me all the time!" the narc's response will be something like (with a gleam in her eye) "YOU have to get a thicker skin!" or maybe "YOU have to learn to stand up for yourself!" or perhaps "YOU must be doing something to upset this woman!"
Their domination displays are most often put upon younger women than themselves, or smaller women than themselves, or women who's looks they envy. Narc. women will also target males, but USUALLY will only target a male who they feel they have already socially "conquered", like a husband or a family member. They will also target coworkers and subordinates. The key with female narcissists is that they know they can only get away with so much in this current culture. They are more likely than male narcs to wait and see WHO they can get away with targeting. Just like male narcs, anyone in their personal circle is a potential target. 

Both male and female narcissists will use anything that they have found they can PERSONALLY get away with. And if a target does NOT "allow" them to condescend, if a target either calls them out on their condescension OR simply knows more about the actual subject than the narcissist does, the narcissist will often fly into a panic, and perhaps a rage, and then probably trash the target to anyone who will listen.

All that being said, the best way I have found personally to deal with a condescending narcissist, male or female, is to nod my head and say "oh, thank you", and then walk AWAY. I don't laugh out loud when I notice what they're doing, (anymore), I just excuse myself; I don't want to cause myself MORE stress. Having a narcissist in your life is like having a pet Grizzly bear, you can never predict their moods or behavior, and they are extremely costly to feed. It's best to leave them in the wild with their own kind.

Feeling Alone And Unwanted; Narc. Abuse

Feeling unwanted, rejected, and uncared for and unsafe  in your own home (or your own family, job, school, church, or town) is one of the worst things about Narcissistic abuse.

Since creating this kind of hostile atmosphere is actually a goal of a Narcissistic abuser, it's rare that a target is not drastically affected in all areas, including livelihood and career. Slander and gossip destroy a target's reputation, which often results in job loss, loss of future promotions and career growth. Gossip and triangulation often result in one's family AND friends of the family turning against the target, so the target loses NORMAL relationships and supports that others who have not been targeted tend to take for granted. Much too often those who should have been supporting and protecting the target will buy into the slander,  gossip, and reputation destruction, and go right along with "shunning" this person who has already been targeted for abuse a hundred times over by the Narcissist.

Healing from this is absolutely possible, and is being done every day by people all over the world.

Shame As Leverage: Control Freaks

In order to gain "leverage", controlling people will often insert and project shame onto random things about others. Often they learn this in childhood from someone else who did it.

For example, the hairstyle a person has is just a hairstyle, and each person has, of course, the right to wear their hair however they want. The exception to this is their job; dress code usually includes hair, and if I want that job I am going to respect my employer's dress code. However, people who are not my employer do not have any reason to try to "control" my hairstyle, that's simply disrespect. In order to get AROUND being called disrespectful, a Controller person will insert SHAME when they criticize my hair, as if my non-compliance with THEIR TASTE in hairstyles is some kind of hostile behavior.

>If your car is not perfectly clean, you aren't SHAMEFUL.

>If your bed is not made, you're not a BAD PERSON.

>If you made a mess when you were cooking, you're not a SLOB.

>If your shop or work area does not look like someone else's OCD fantasy, you're not a CRAZY or BAD person.

>If you aren't PERFECT with your money, well, you're just like 99% of the population.

>If you ARE very good with money, it doesn't mean you're full of GREED .

>If you're a FRIENDLY and POLITE PERSON, it doesn't mean you are trying to GET ATTENTION, or FLIRTING, or PROMISCUOUS.

>If you're "GOOD LOOKING", it doesn't mean anything AT ALL about your character or behavior, and neither does being "AVERAGE LOOKING".

ALL of these things are frequently twisted by Controllers as excuses to PROJECT SHAME in order to try to GAIN LEVERAGE.

People may project and insert SHAME onto others for all kinds of reasons that have to do with control, such as money. When a scammer or con artist tries to get more money out of a person, or get out of paying a bill, they quite often use this SHAME tactic, instead of doing straightforward business without emotional overtones. This is a RED FLAG. When someone you're doing business with tries to project SHAME onto you, or if you see that they're doing that to or about someone else, you should go on RED ALERT. Above-board business NEVER includes SHAME. It is straight MATH, a straightforward exchange for product or service; zero emotional projection should be involved.

I was at a consignment shop recently where a friend and I were interested in the vintage clothing. The shop owner approached us and asked if we wanted to try some things on; we said we were in a hurry right now (we were) but we wanted to come back. The shop owner said "Well if you're not going to buy anything then you can leave." So~ we left, and we will probably NEVER return. We WOULD HAVE returned when we weren't in a rush, and probably bought some items, but when that shop owner tried to project control and shame on us, we saw that there was a good chance the shop was a scam; everything was probably way overpriced, and maybe fake vintage.

Controllers who owe you money will often do this to the Nth degree. They will often project ALL KINDS of shame on you in order to try to get out of paying you what they owe you. This is probably a lifelong habit with them, they most likely do it all the time and have gotten away with it before.

For example if you loaned a Controller $10,000, and they are trying to get out of paying you back, they might try to use things about YOU as "leverage". Like "If you didn't buy that car you wouldn't NEED the 10K back!" or "If you didn't gamble you would HAVE more money, and you wouldn't need the 10K back!" or "If you didn't spend so much on travelling, you would HAVE the money and you wouldn't NEED the 10K back!" They will do this REGARDLESS of how fair you are in expecting payment. They will probably also do this with banks, credit cards, and other bills. Most likely someone they know does it too, so they keep getting reaffirmed that it's "okay" to act this way.

I had a Landlord who did this to a silly degree. I saw the flags when I moved in, but I needed a place to live, so I decided to keep my guard up and just stay there. I SHOULD HAVE left, in hindsight, right away. (Another lesson). This person tried to use shame to control everything, and used personal involvement and "concern" to get out of being called out on the control behavior. Everything was about him. Everything was about how things were tough for him, like the cracked basement and the higher rent. Nothing was his fault, like the high water table (which was not, but the cracked basement WAS) and the ants (which were not, but refusing to do anything about them WAS). Everything was about how hard he worked to make the yard "perfect" and the house "perfect", and how I needed to KEEP it PERFECT, the way he would... About 7 months into my lease, he started to ask me if I was going to stay or not. I told him I wasn't sure. He responded to my response as if I didn't "understand" how IMPORTANT my decision to stay or go was to HIS financial well-being. (He owns several properties in an affluent community). He bugged me regularly about this AND tried to pressure me into staying for several months. Then, when I finally told him straight up NO, (the decision was because of his behavior more than about the actual place), he tried to make finding a new tenant into a crisis that I had to be a part of. More than once he scheduled a showing without giving me notice. One day I had to drive two hours from where I was so I could get there before he did because I was afraid he would harass my son if I wasn't there.
NEEDLESS to say, my security deposit was mostly gone, supposedly "used up" with the HUGE amount of work they had to do... cleaning and repairing the place after I moved out... I saw that coming about a month after I moved in~ I was actually surprised he was planning to give me ANY back. I used to repair apartments in between tenants for one of my accounts, I know the HUGE difference between normal wear and tear and irresponsible tenants, and I know exactly what each repair and cleaning costs. Landlords are SUPPOSED TO expect to do a reasonable amount of cleaning and repair when a tenant moves out, and painting is a NORMAL part of being a Landlord. ACTUAL DAMAGE is not the same thing as NORMAL MAINTENANCE, but that's what this Landlord seemed to believe, and tried to SHAME me for... I saw the flags, he couldn't "get" me, I knew what the game was, but he DID TRY.

I had another Landlord who was stringing the electricity for the outside of the house and the 3 car garage off of MY meter. She was also a real estate agent, she used that to as a cover for appearing to be above board. Same SHAME game, same scam. She also tried to take my entire security deposit for a couple of knobs on the gas stove that were melted a bit when some grease flared up... Solid gold stove knobs, apparently! Must be nice!

When a person is projecting SHAME for all kinds of random things like your hair, your car, your appearance, your job, your ambition and aspirations, your beliefs, your outgoing or introverted personality, your housekeeping, your education level, during a business transaction, your clothing, your money handling, your emotions, things that HAPPENED TO YOU, during counseling, and ESPECIALLY if they are trying to shame you when you stand up for yourself or for someone else, it is a red flag for CONTROL. At one end of this spectrum, the person is just used to getting their way with this tactic in social and family situations, often trying to maintain a "top dog" position. At the other end of this spectrum, the person is a con artist and criminal.

Dating And Loyalty

If we want to date an eccentric, a different race, a person of a different political party or religion, or a female human, we are volunteering to defend them from our prejudice friends, acquaintances, and family, and probably random strangers as well. We should be prepared to find out things we did not know about those around us. If we don't want to do that, if it's too stressful and too much to stand up for the person we are asking to be our "number one", then we shouldn't date them in the first place.

 If we marry this person, we are volunteering to defend them for life.

Learning Successfulness

Do not make the quality of your life and the level of your success dependent on the character or behavior of the people surrounding you.
When you're dealing with gossipy coworkers, you keep walking directly toward your goal. When your family members put you down, you keep walking toward your goal. When business people try to swindle you, you make a note of who they are and what they did, and you keep walking toward your goal. When a romantic partner changes and tries to break your heart, you keep walking toward your goal. When a friend you thought you could count on turns on you or lets you down, you keep walking toward your goal. Whatever the bump in the road is, or the pothole, or the earthquake, you keep walking toward your goal. You deal with the bumps, potholes and earthquakes, but you don't stay on them or in them, you deal with them properly, compassionately, and with integrity, while keeping sight of your goal. 
When you reach your goal, you set a new one, and walk toward that one. Deal with all the bumps, potholes, storms and earthquakes on your way to the goal with integrity, intelligence, and compassion, and with all the experience and knowledge you've acquired so far. And keep sight of your goal.


~M. Black

Do REMEMBER THIS! When most people reject a person, it's hardly ever about something the person actually did "wrong", or that they're weird, boring, or "not good enough". It's actually almost always about the REJECTOR'S comfort and/or ego. If your interests are too different from a less mature/insecure person's interests, they can feel uncomfortable. If your thought process is faster, slower, or different than theirs, they can feel uncomfortable. If your APPEARANCE is glitzier than theirs, or LESS glitzy than theirs, and they are insecure, they will probably be uncomfortable. If you have a higher college degree or a lower one than they do, (either way), they can feel uncomfortable.

If they habitually seek "friends" who they can follow, and you're not up for the Leadership position, they will probably reject you. If they habitually seek "friends" who they can boss around, and you're not up for the Follower position, they will probably reject you.

The more narrow their comfort zone, the more difficult it will be for anyone to fit inside of it. The weaker their boundaries, the more controlling about other people they will be.

Most humans want to have friends, but few are willing or able to be one back. Most humans want tons of understanding, empathy, support, encouragement, help, or even applause or sympathy, but they don't think much about giving it back. Most want others to be on time and hold up their agreements, but they don't think much about being prompt themselves, or holding up their own end of an agreement. Most want friends who are good listeners and don't judge them, but they don't try very hard to return the favor. Most want others to understand all their ups and downs, and when they're in process of getting something accomplished, but they aren't very understanding or enlightened about others.

Most want people to see them in a highly respectable light and  treat them accordingly, regardless of how they might appear from the outside, but it doesn't  much occur to them to treat others the same way.

REMEMBER that when you get rejected by other people, like you're "not good enough" or like they don't "like" you, it's very rarely because you actually "deserve" it. It's almost always because you don't fit inside the very small box of their comfort zone. And who would WANT TO?!? Be GRATEFUL that you aren't that small!

Question And Explore

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't question and explore your world. I used to think it wrong to question things; it would make people uncomfortable, it would mean I was not getting it when everyone else did, it would mean that I lacked faith, it would mean that people might be offended because some questions were considered inappropriate... Good people took other good people's words as the way it is. Don't test the thickness of the ice you're walking on if you were told it's thick enough. Don't question it further.

It's considered disrespectful or a form of rebellion to study things our for yourself, to notice inconsistencies and ask about them, to search on your own. Sometimes stories were told about that; curiosity killed the cat, don't stray off the path handed to you or you will get get lost; asking too many questions means you have a learning problem; or even asking too many questions makes you a smart-alack.

You were given a heart and a mind for reason. You are here to explore your soul, to explore your world, to determine what works for you, and what does not... to determine if what everyone believes is even true for you. You are here to to explore your truth! You are here to test, to question and learn of your own path. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't question and explore your world. ♥

 ~ Lisa Concidine

When Do Abusers Stop?

A narcissistic abuser will abuse a target mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically, sometimes financially, to the point of severe depression or suicidal ideation on the target's part, and then they will do it some more. A narcissistic abuser does not STOP when they see that the target has reached a breaking point, even if they want to keep the target around. They will do it more, since the target showing signs of fatigue, stress, emotional exhaustion or illness are actually triggers for narcissistic  abusers. 

They don't stop when they see these signs in their target like normal people would and think "gosh I've been too hard on him/her, I need to make some serious changes." They actually amp up the abuse, because now they have what they see as ammunition against the target, they see an opportunity to criticize the target for their "weaknesses". They don't care, or maybe don't comprehend, that they were the reason for the target's condition. Or, for a psychopath, they do know, and that was their intention all along. 

They may see their behavior and extreme arrogance as "strength", so talking to them about it probably won't even make a dent. The best way to deal with a narcissistic abuser is to just get away from them, and only see them in safe places with other people around. (Safe people, not friends of the abuser.)

Drama Queens And Kings

The person who has issues of abandonment, attachment, and sometimes paranoia may READ INTO the actions and interactions of those around them, but not be able to observe themselves, or remember past events or actions of others.
So for example, if Mary, who has abandonment and paranoia issues, sees her husband happily talking to a new neighbor who happens to be female, Mary may become incensed with jealousy. Mary then believes her jealous feelings represent actual reality. She does not cross-reference her husband's actual behavior patterns, or his history of being a great friend and loving partner. She simply DELETES and IGNORES the history of their relationship, and of her husband's behavior, because she is feeling this intense jealousy.
Mary also immediately dislikes this new woman, because she feels jealous of her. Mary does not take even a moment to find out what this woman is like, who she is, or what her basic situation is. This woman could be homosexual for all Mary knows, but she has already decided she doesn't like her and that she's a "threat", based SOLELY on her emotional reaction of jealousy.
Mary doesn't even know if her husband actually finds this woman attractive, he might just find her interesting in the same way he would if she were a little old man. He might just be behaving politely, he might not even like her. But Mary does not try to FIND OUT, she just assumes all kinds of things, and then completely INVESTS herself in these assumptions.

So now, because of Mary's own emotional issues and refusal to find out real information from either her husband or the new woman, she creates a dramatic and tense situation. Instead of welcoming a new neighbor and possibly making a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance, she blows up the issue to huge proportions, and injects her own negativity, causing everyone to feel uncomfortable and oppressed. She makes noises and gives body language signals that she is unhappy and annoyed. She refuses to make eye contact with the woman, shakes her hand briefly and briskly in a snotty manner, and then speaks directly and loudly to her husband, on purpose, making a show of ignoring the woman's presence. Mary's behavior is like a jealous child, and she is making herself look like an unstable person, and revealing that she is a bully. 

On the OTHER SIDE of this coin: Mary, this time who does NOT have paranoia issues, sees her husband talking to the new neighbor, who happens to be a female. Mary happily walks over, eager to meet this new person in their neighborhood. She notices that her husband seems to find this woman interesting, so she is even more interested in finding out about the woman, maybe they will become friends.
HOWEVER, when Mary reaches out to shake the woman's hand, the woman takes it briefly and drops it, barely glancing at her. The woman keeps talking animatedly to Mary's husband, who seems oblivious to the rude behavior toward Mary. It is then that Mary starts observing, and realizes that the woman might be considered physically attractive to some people, and her husband might be attracted to her. She tries to introduce herself again, politely, giving the woman another chance, but is obviously rebuffed. The woman avoids eye contact with Mary altogether, and keeps on talking to her husband as if there is no one else standing there. Mary's husband does nothing to change or stop it. The new neighbor has revealed herself to be a bully, and Mary finds herself worried that her husband doesn't even seem to notice or care, which is yet another red flag.

In this scenario, the person who is creating DRAMA and problems is the new neighbor woman, and Mary's husband is co-creating the DRAMA right along with her.

The person or people who behave rudely, inconsiderately, and arrogantly are the ones who create DRAMA. Those who feel upset by this behavior, and who want to TALK ABOUT whatever happened, are NOT the drama creators. They are the ones who are interested in PEACE and LESS drama.

Be careful who gets called a "Drama Queen", it's usually the other way around. Name-calling is very popular with Drama Creators.

Followers And Gossip, The Narcissist Smear Campaign

People follow along with gossips when they campaign against a target because humans tend to follow others. It takes a conscious and self-aware human being to NOT follow the lead of others, to stop and question, and look around, regarding pretty much anything.

When others around us watch a tv show, we tend to want to see what it is, and will often watch it too. When everyone goes to the fireworks..., it's what "everyone does", so everyone does it. When a lot of people we know like a particular song or band, we tend to go along with them, even if we didn't notice the band or like them at first.

If you want to see this in action right now, just watch the activity at popular restaurants, and compare that to the activity at less popular restaurants. Even if the wait is an hour or more, people will flock to the "popular" or "famous" restaurant, and they will do this at the BUSIEST time. They won't go to the less popular one where there is no wait, right down the street. They won't even change the time they go to the popular restaurant, and go at a much less busy time. They will go, and stay, where the CROWD is, because that's what everyone says is GOOD. If no one was in line at the famous pizza restaurant or burger joint, most people would just keep walking, they wouldn't even try the food there. "That place looks like a hole" they would say, and keep going. But put a waiting crowd in front of that same little "hole" of a burger or pizza joint, and that will get their attention.

If a lot of people seem to like a particular person, whether they're a local person we can meet, or someone who is distant that we haven't met, we tend to assume that there's a valid REASON they are popular, and we tend to want to be included in that group. We can actually make a person MORE ATTRACTIVE to ourselves just by believing that they are more attractive (or wiser, or stronger) just because we are following the crowd. If we met this person on the street, all by themselves, we might not even like them. But because we see all these other people treating them like they are "likeable", "wise", "beautiful", "talented", or "funny", we go right along with them.

If a person seems unpopular because others don't seem to treat them well, or others aren't following them, or others are ignoring or criticizing them, we tend to follow THAT, TOO. If no one seems to like Albert, then the only people who will be listening to and sitting with Albert are people who don't follow the crowd, who listen and get to know people for themselves. Who think for themselves.
When Albert became famous for his brilliant physics theory, it was because a rare, intelligent person who doesn't follow the crowd was listening to him.
After Albert became famous, suddenly all these people who didn't take him seriously at all, who wouldn't even sit with him at lunch because he wasn't "anybody important", all wanted to be included and associated with him. Those crowd-followers would not have helped him up if he had fallen down right in front of them before, but now that he looks popular, they all line up to pretend they were his friend all along.

And so it goes with gossips. Anyone who seems "popular" to crowd followers will be listened to and believed, and anyone who seems "unpopular" will be ignored and disrespected by crowd-followers. The gossip who is followed by crowd followers can easily spread the most ridiculous and vicious lies and rumors, because people who are followers will just eat it up with a spoon, and spread it around some more.
Crowd-followers don't STOP and say "Hey, that's not a nice thing to say, why are you trying to spread negative things about that person? And how do you know if it's even true?"
Also, the minute the target of this gossip is seen as "unpopular", even if it's BECAUSE of those rumors, crowd-followers will abandon that person. They will scatter like passengers jumping off a sinking ship, or more like FLEAS off of a dog in a bathtub. It is NOT RELEVANT to crowd-followers who did what, what the facts are, who is actually the person who did wrong or right, they DON"T CARE ABOUT FACTS OR REALITY. ALL they care about is who is POPULAR. That's who they will follow and believe.

This is a GROUP SOCIAL BEHAVIOR tendency, most group animals will follow whoever happens to appear to be the leader at the time. That's where the reference to LEMMINGS comes from, lemmings (small rodents, like mice), will follow the crowd literally right off a cliff. They are ALL FOLLOWING EACH OTHER, no one is actually LEADING, everyone assumes that someone ELSE is watching out for the cliff. This is unfortunately very similar to human group behavior, which is why there have been so many huge atrocities led by the psychotic throughout human history.

The behavior is the same whether it's in government, politics, in business, in religion, against religion, in academia, or in the community or home. Crowd followers follow the crowd, period, regardless of any facts or reality. And even many who THINK they are NOT crowd followers simply pick a DIFFERENT CROWD to follow. It's difficult for group animals to think for themselves. Humans have the capacity to think for themselves, but it's much easier and much less intellectual work, and much more social, superficial reward, to just go along with the crowd.

Self Observation And Triggers

Because narcissists build themselves up from external things rather than internal things, they are constantly comparing themselves to others, and constantly TRYING to find reasons to put others down (so they can feel "above'), or trying to fit in with those who they see as "elite", which can be as simple as gender or race. Their exaggerated, dramatic reactions and judgments toward others are their way of making themselves feel important and justified. When it's someone we care for very much, it can be heart wrenching to watch them go through this, even when we are the target of their extreme put-downs. The irony is we know why they're doing it because we have the ability to empathize. They don't, which is why they're doing it. They can't watch themselves treating us with such incredible disrespect, they don't have that ability; in their minds, they are simply reacting naturally, the way anyone else would, to our words and actions. And since they can't see past their own triggers and reactions, they also can't see anything real about us, their target. They might be reacting so dramatically to something as small as a facial expression that their mother, or perhaps stepmother, used to do, or a familiar intonation that sounds like their father. But since they lack the ability to self-observe and self-reflect, they are not going to make the connection.
To use a very basic animal analogy, most people know that many dogs can't stand mail carriers or delivery people. What's up with that? To the dog, there is a human who is coming toward the house, and this human is carrying something, and wearing a certain matching outfit, every time. Some of these humans wear the outfit AND a hat... And they are DOING something on purpose, not just walking by, they have a certain stance about them. (Who knows, maybe they give off a certain pheromone because they're working that dogs can smell.) All of these factors stick in the dog's mind, the dog has learned that humans wearing certain kinds of clothing, especially if they're driving a truck, are the ones who keep COMING to the HOME, and invading the territory. These humans are not "friends", because they are not invited in and given drink and food, and warmly greeted. So they aren't welcome... like friends... but they come anyway... brazenly... regardless of the warning barks....
So the uniformed delivery human becomes a trigger for the dog. The dog just has to see them, or hear the truck, and the dog is off her or his rocker, as if this person is charging toward the house with a bayonet.
The dog does not THINK, the dog does not see that it's just a person, and it could be a very nice and kind person, who loves dogs, who is not a threat at all, who has 2 dogs at home, and children, and a spouse who also is kind and loves dogs. The dog doesn't ponder or wonder about the person, or the person's INTENT, or the person's LIFE, or PERSONALITY. The dog just sees the uniform and is instantaneously compelled to bark like a canine banshee, for no real, logical reason. Just the trigger.

This is how humans are triggered also. The brunette woman in the hall reminds Susan of the brunette girl in high school who picked on her~ her subconscious reacts with a twinge of something like avoidance and resentment, even though she's never met the woman in her life. In the office, every time Susan laughs, Mary hears her Aunt's laugh, who she loved very dearly, and she projects that onto Susan. When Mary smiles broadly, showing a lovely set of straight teeth, Andy is triggered to think of his stepmother who smiled like that, but was not kind to him. So Andy projects that onto Mary, doesn't "like" her, which is unfortunate, because Mary is actually the kindest and funniest person in the whole office. Andy is not aware that his skewed assessment of Mary is based on his association with his stepmother.

Sentient Humans?

In order to understand others, one must be able to empathize. In order to empathize, one must learn to understand others. Believing we know all about a person from some superficial external things is a human immaturity that most of us go through in childhood, and many of us don't completely outgrow. But those who have grown to a certain level of maturity, and are able to learn and grasp new information, are aware that they are not fully mature, completely wise, and a fully enlightened, omniscient being, and so can keep maturing and growing. When we ACCEPT that we are humans, and that humans have certain tendencies like making sweeping judgments with little or no information, making huge assumptions, believing our own ego b.s., and trying to dominate other humans just because we share chimpanzee DNA, we can learn how to grow out of these tendencies. Those who can't accept their own creature feature issues are funny, they'll do things like project these issues onto others and deny having them themselves; they'll have magnified domination tendencies BECAUSE of their denial, or they'll try to JUSTIFY their behavior with the excuse of "genetics"; "I can't help the way I was made". Unfortunately for them, using the excuse of "I can't help it" is forfeiting sentience. The definition of Sentience is self-awareness. With self-awareness comes awareness of others. With self-awareness comes self-observation, and the ability to control one's behavior. Creatures who are not self-aware can not control their own behavior beyond their emotional and hormonal reactions, and we don't give them "rights" because of this very reason. A person who can't "help" their own behavior apparently is not a Sentient being, and may not be safe to roam around in society without direct supervision.

You're Not "Up" At Bat 24/7

The person who counters habitually are like baseball players who always put themselves in the batter's box. Any ball thrown at them they will hit. They consider it a victory when they get a hit. They might even be TRYING to hit the person who "threw" it, like that's part of the game. They will NOT put that bat down and pick up a glove, and CATCH the ball, unless it's the coach throwing it, or one of their "heroes". So, they NEVER EVER know what any of the balls actually LOOKS LIKE. They assume all the balls thrown at them are the same, and not worth looking at; they're just baseballs. The only ball they will CATCH, and therefore LOOK AT, are those thrown by anyone they consider "superior". Most of the other players get sick of their obsession with being in the batter's box and hitting any ball they throw. This person refuses to actually PLAY BASEBALL, they want to just do what THEY want to do.

They aren't playing  Baseball if they refuse to catch a ball unless the coach or one of their heroes throws it.

To get past this habit of countering, one must consciously learn to catch, and stop hitting and blocking. Actually listening when someone expresses their point of view is like catching the ball, and looking at it. Examine it, ask questions about it, don't just assume all is KNOWN about this baseball. LOOK AT IT. ASK ABOUT IT. TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. What is it made of, where did it come from, why did the person choose this particular baseball? What does this brand use for stitching? For fill? What's that gouge from? What does the person who threw it know about this ball, what is their personal experience?

Obviously the ball represents the other person's point of view, observation, or expression. Hitting the ball when it is thrown represents arguing, countering, and opposing when the other person speaks or writes, or expresses something. Catching the ball represents taking the time and the small effort to actually hear what they are saying, read what they wrote, contemplate what they expressed, and not react to it with an automatic "counter attack". Then, after really comprehending what the person said, after really looking at and feeling the ball, it's thrown back to the person. The actual game of Baseball, and real communication, begins when the ball is tossed back, gracefully, so the other person can catch it. Throwing the ball back to the person represents respectful reciprocal communication, when the point of view or expression is reflected back to them, showing that the other consciously understands what they were saying. This is called "feedback", and respectful, courteous, drama free feedback is essential to any kind of relationship IF it's healthy. "Feedback" is not criticism, it's not countering, it's not opposition. It's hearing, seeing, trying to understand, and telling it back to the person. "I think what you are saying is such and such. I see what you mean. Am I correct in interpreting what you're saying? Can you explain more?"

When we play Ball, we play catch, it's how we learn to catch and throw. When we build friendships and partnerships, we play catch with our points of view, it's how we learn to communicate effectively, share ideas, help one another, and have a good time. If I am picking up a bat every time my friend picks up a ball, BECAUSE they pick up a ball, I am going to drive them nuts in a very small amount of time, and they're going to get sick of it pretty quickly. They aren't going to be impressed by my batting skills, they aren't going to think I'm tough or smart, they're just going to get bored and feel lonely because I'm refusing to be a good sport and actually play WITH them. I'm obviously only interested in hogging the batter's box, and playing AGAINST them. Boring, tedious, and frustrating; it shows I have little respect for them and no interest in real companionship.

We are just acting ignorant and arrogant when we always assume that the details we don't know are not worth finding out about. When we just debate everything another person says, and assume we already know what they're thinking, feeling, and doing, we insert drama where it doesn't need to be. Information and detail seeking, without emotional insertion and domination, is only for the strong and intelligent. The arrogant and weak can't do it.  (If you think you already know everything, you aren't going to try to find out more...) Those who don't have these issues make much better friends, and much better baseball players. It's pretty boring and aggravating to go to the field with someone who only wants to hit every ball you throw, and won't pick up a glove and play catch.

What Is Normal? People Who Chew With Their Mouths Open

Because of the heavy use of shame and fear they witnessed or experienced in their childhoods, many people will see that in others where it doesn't exist. 
If, for example, the "silent treatment" was often used in their family, either against them or against someone else, they can believe its something that EVERYONE does. If other families around them did it too, their belief that it's "just what everyone does" can be reinforced tremendously. So if you don't get back to them because you were busy or could not for some reason, they can assume you were giving them the silent treatment, even if you've never done that once in your life. They won't think to ask you if that's what you were doing, they will assume you were, and believe the assumption, and then probably be angry with you about it. 

This lack of communication goes hand in hand with heavy shame and fear environments. Everything is tinged with emotional reaction, everything everyone does is under scrutiny and suspect, everyone wants the actions of others to be something "bad". They can even get a feeling of power when they suspect someone is doing something "bad", because it makes them feel like one of the "good people", and in heavy shame and fear environments, being one of the "good people" is very important, because it takes one out of the line of fire (shame and fear) for the time being.
 
No one in the group realizes how dramatic it all is because they don't know what it's like to live without heavy drama and control.

Whatever we grew up with, we all think "everyone does that" or "everyone is like that", until we FIND OUT differently. Those who have never lived or worked outside of the region where they grew up are more susceptible to this belief habit, for obvious reasons. If they grew up around ancestry and family, even more so. If everyone chews their food with their mouths hanging open in the area, those who grew up around that will think it's perfectly "normal" and not bad manners. The couple of people in the area who chew with their mouths closed are the ones who will be called "weird" by everyone else, and will not be taken seriously. And so it is with everything else.

Whatever we grew up with in the family or the region, we think is "normal", and is how "everyone is", UNTIL we find out differently, so we don't question it. We often even defend it~ "What do you mean chewing with your mouth open is bad manners?! That's a pompous thing to say, we ALL do that! Who chews with their mouths closed, the Royal Family?"

Or, "Who communicates like that? I shouldn't have to find out what my wife means when she talks, she should say it right the first time!"

Whatever communication skills or life skills we are taught when we grow up, that's all we have. If we aren't open to learning more skills, better ways of relating and communicating, and be open to new information and other points of view, we will just be the same as we were in childhood till the day we die, unfortunately.

Those who close their lives and their minds up around themselves like a box, and defend it as "the way it is", can not grow anymore, like a plant stuck inside a closed terrarium. They stunt themselves in order to protect themselves from having to learn anything new. Those who open the box can keep growing and learning with a limitless potential, they have no ceiling.

Why People Fear Bullies

The real reason most people put up with bullies and domination behavior is because they fear retaliation AFTER they stand up to the person. This is something children learn as they get older. Smaller children don't fear retaliation, so they stand up to other kids, and make noise when they need or want something. As children get older, they discover that when they stand up to a bully, there can be ...consequences to pay later. Either the bully will do something to "get them back", or the bully will get others to gang up on the child and HELP "get them back", or the child will be punished for standing up for him or herself by biased or ignorant adults. Bullies get away with their behavior while they're growing up because they aren't getting punished by the adults around them, obviously. If they aren't getting punished for the initial behavior, they aren't getting punished for the retaliation behavior either. So they keep doing it and doing it, further and further. To protect themselves from the retaliation behavior, people learn to turn away from bullies and let them get away with their crap, rather than stand up to them and risk the retaliation behavior, which is usually much more ridiculous than the initial bullying behavior. Bullies seem to believe they have the "right" to treat others with silly disrespect, and when no one calls them out on it, and everyone just cowtows to them because they fear retaliation from the bully or others around them, they confirm it in their heads that they do indeed possess this right, because they are (for some unknown reason) "better".

Bet Your Bippy

I would bet an honorary Doctorate degree that if six pro. actors, all of whom were previously evaluated psychologically and found to be completely stable, and all of whom were physically different in appearance: height, weight, hair, race, and sex, were admitted into 99.9% of psychiatric hospitals with the same back story changed only to accommodate gender would each be given a different diagnostic assessment, even on the same unit.

I would bet another one that no one will take me up on this bet, and yet another that someone will steal this idea.

Comfort Junkies

Most narcissistic people are really just "Comfort Junkies". They don't want to have to think, or to do something different, or to do something they don't LIKE or MIGHT not like. Talking about a certain thing is uncomfortable, admitting they did something wrong is uncomfortable, changing their schedule or their plans to accommodate or please someone else is uncomfortable. Standing up for someone else is uncomfortable, even standing up for themselves might be uncomfortable. Admitting they don't know something is uncomfortable. Helping someone in distress, empathizing, or helping someone in need is uncomfortable. Giving of themselves or their resources is uncomfortable, risking the "wrath" of someone they're used to catering to is uncomfortable. Trying harder to accomplish a certain goal is uncomfortable. Treating another better would be change and thinking, both of which are uncomfortable. Listening and understanding someone else's point of view instead of talking and arguing is uncomfortable. Trying to let go of an addiction is uncomfortable. So they're not going to do any of those things without kicking and screaming. Their tantrums are more like Linus's meltdowns when someone takes his blanket away. If they would just let him keep his blanket he'd be fine~ the problem is, Linus will never put his blanket down for anything or anyone, no how, no way. So, the blanket (the comfort, whatever that entails to the person) will always win, and any real person will always be put behind the blanket on Linus' priority list.

Positive vs. Negative Language

Great post~

http://work911.com/articles/poslan.htm

Credit Where It Isn't Due

Getting people to do things for them and then taking the credit as if they were the ones who did the work is a common way many people build false confidence. If Mary and John are executives with a very capable secretary/assistant, Mary and John are not actually doing the bulk of the work that causes the stress and anxiety. Their assistant is the one who is making appointments, changing schedules, keeping proper files, keeping things up to date, in order, and easily accessible, remembering things about other people, remembering appointments, etc, etc. Either the assistant or a person who is employed for accounting keeps track of the financial records and accounts receivable and payable.

Someone else is doing the cleaning, someone else is doing the computer maintenance, someone else is doing the bulk of the correspondence. Not Mary or John. If Mary and John did these things themselves, they probably would not be able to handle the actual management job, they would be overwhelmed, drowning in the anxiety of keeping up, organizing, and especially dealing with people directly all day long. Just changing schedules and appointments around and dealing with other people's issues and egos is very draining. They don't have to do all of that tedious and stressful stuff, someone else is doing it for them.

But who is getting, or taking, the credit for doing all of these things, and keeping things running smoothly so Mary and John can do their jobs?

If Mary and John are not narcissists, they give the credit where it's due, and don't take credit for things they did not actually DO. But if they are narcissistic, they will see all these people as "below" them, and less capable than themselves, doing menial tasks that they could do in their sleep if they felt like it, OR they will see those people as OTHER "KINDS" of people who were "born" to do those jobs, and themselves as "born" to be an executive. Narcissists are often missing a cognitive function that relates to cause and effect. They see the secretary as the "kind of person" who is born to be a secretary, and could never be an executive, or anything else for that matter. They see themselves as the top of the heap, and everyone who is performing tasks that they consider "below" them as lower "kinds" of people who are SUPPOSED to be doing those jobs FOR THEM. They take the credit for these jobs getting done as if those people are extensions of themselves, not capable, intelligent, individual human beings who happen to be performing that particular task, and doing it well.

This dynamic can be seen in all kinds of situations, it's definitely not exclusive to big business. It can be seen in any dynamic at all. It does not have to be the owner or manager who is doing this, either, it can be anyone, a coworker, a friend, a family member, a small business owner, a landlord, a neighbor, a doctor, a carpenter, a teacher, a janitor, a lawyer, a secretary, anyone at all can have this behavior and perception. It's not the job that creates narcissistic traits and behaviors (although some jobs can encourage it), it's the person's own perception.

The contractor who takes credit for all his or her subcontractors and employees work, as if he/she was the one performing all of the tasks.
The doctor who takes credit for the nurses' and the staff's work.
The spouse who see the other spouse as nothing more than a support person for his or her own "greatness" in the world, not as a "great" person in their own right and light.
The parent who sees their children as nothing more than reflections of themselves, so they will take credit for their achievements, and berate or cover up their mistakes (which this parent will see as "failure". This parent will also see anything their children do that they don't like, agree with, or understand, as "failure".)
The homeowner who takes credit for any of the work that they hired someone else to do, as if they were the ones who performed the work. "I put a new deck on my house", "I put in new cabinets", "I rewired the house", "I painted the living room" instead of "I had a new deck put on my house" or "I had new cabinets put in" or "I had the house rewired" or "I had the living room painted".
Language is subtle and powerful, and narcissists use it to paint themselves as much more capable than they really are. If a person uses language like this, it doesn't necessarily mean they ARE a "narcissist", they may have picked it up from those around them who speak this way. However, if they squirm and show anxiety or anger when asked a direct question like "How long did it take you to paint it?" that's an indication that they probably are actually a "Narcissist". The non-narcissist answer to that question would be something like "Oh I didn't paint it, I meant I hired someone to do it. It was Maggie Nelson, I have her card, she and her partner Natalie did a great job."