Whining Children, Bitching Spouses: Language And Control

When it comes to other people's emotions, a RED FLAG of Narcissism is the WORDS used to describe those emotions. 

This language habit is also often picked up by young people who live with, or in a community with, a lot of Narcissism, and turned (unwittingly) into their regular speech pattern. Unfortunately whether the language is intentional or inadvertently picked up, the effects are still damaging.

(The difference between a person who intentionally uses negative language to dominate and demean, and a person who inadvertently picked it up is their reaction when it's pointed out; a Narcissist will defend it to kingdom-come, and try to "destroy" whoever pointed it out with belittling and insult. The non-Narcissist who uses this language pattern from having picked it up from others, like a regional speech pattern, will not, they'll just be either interested or not interested, and maybe feel some things about it.) 

They will commonly use language that others only use when they're legitimately overwhelmed, or dealing with a seriously negative situation:

The child is not "scared", the child is "whining".

The husband is not "upset", the husband is "moaning".

The girlfriend is not "angry", the girlfriend is "bitching".

The parent of a student is not "concerned", they're "helicoptering".

etc.

This is YET ANOTHER FORM of control that's related to all the others... the list is exhaustive...

They DESCRIBE another person's emotions and actions in a NEGATIVE, DEMEANING way, in order to bully and invalidate the person, or to give a negative impression about the person to the people who are listening to them.
(Of course, Narcissists and insecure people, AND "normal" young people, will often do this same thing in order to fit in with the people around them who also talk this way. Young people are going through the same maturation stage that everyone before them went through, that's why it's important for adults to "watch their language" around kids, so they don't pick up speech habits that cause negativity for themselves and their relationships.)

~
Narcissists can't stand for others, especially targets, to express or display any apparent emotion that they don't like, that doesn't make THEM feel comfortable or happy.

They also don't like it if a person is NOT displaying the emotion they want them to display
(but that's also common with BPD; fear of disapproval, hostility, or abandonment).

(NPD is about control and superiority mostly for it's own sake;
BPD is about reaction and coping, which can manifest as control.)

A child who is sad, anxious, angry, or scared is ANNOYING to a person with Narcissism, and that's all there is to it. The reason for the child's expression of sadness or fear or anger is IRRELEVANT, as far as the N. is concerned. All the Narcissist cares about is his or her OWN feelings of annoyance, and that their annoyance gets "REMEDIED" quickly.
If there are other people around, then add "what will they think!" or perhaps the child is "ruining the atmosphere".
The goal will not be to find out what the child is upset about, it will be to make the child STOP "pouting", "whining", or "caterwauling".

An inability to empathize, or to correctly interpret other people's emotions, also contributes greatly to the way a Narcissistic person treats others regarding emotional expression.

(The apparent paranoid reaction about WHY a person is displaying a certain emotion, and assuming that the person's emotional expression is about THEM, or is an "attack", may or may not be displayed in a person who has Narcissism; that's an additional issue that can be found with Narcissism, or with something else entirely, not excluding post-trauma. It's an important symptom, either way.)

Training Day Is Every Day With A Narcissist

Controllers/Narcissists try to TRAIN targets to become what they want them to become.

This training is based on the Narcissist's desires, compulsions, emotions, addictions, and agenda for the specific target.

For example if a Controller/Narcissist wants a target to be their "Trophy Wife" or "Trophy Husband", then anything that the target says or does that ALIGNS with that agenda might be validated or even praised, such as buying a sexy dress, or getting a specific hairstyle (that pleases the Controller).  But anything that the target says or does that DOES NOT ALIGN with that agenda will probably be INVALIDATED, ridiculed, belittled, attacked, insulted, denied, ignored, etc., like if the target wears clothes that don't fit the Narcissist's image of "Trophy wife", or if the person didn't want to dye their grey hair, or if the person refused to get rid of their old pick-up truck, etc.
 
That invalidation/validation behavior is part of this training.
When the Controller gives APPROVAL, it gives the target a feeling of relief and acceptance, like parental approval, or peer, or instructor/coach approval. When the Controller INVALIDATES them with refusing to acknowledge or respond, changing the subject, or with direct disapproval or insult, then the target feels uncomfortable, maybe embarrassed, ignored, humiliated, or chastised.

This Narcissistic training method works very well on children, and it works best on adults who have been targeted by it before, especially in their childhood.

For example, if the Narcissist is jealous or envious toward the Target's other relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc), then whenever the Target mentions one of those other people, ESPECIALLY when telling a happy, joyful, or funny experience, the Narcissist may be purposely NON-RESPONSIVE, act as if the target didn't even speak, change the subject immediately without acknowledging what the target said; IMPLY something negative about the person being spoken about, or the experience; or actually display their jealousy/envy in behavior or speech.

*(This refers to actual jealousy and envy. It does not refer to the reaction of annoyance or anger when, for example, a "partner" keeps talking favorably about another person whom is obviously a secret crush (or more), or when a "friend" or family member keeps talking favorably about a person who has betrayed, disrespected, or abused the listener, or when a "friend" or family member is trying to make the other person feel unwanted or excluded from the rest of their life, in order to dominate them, or keeps talking about other certain people in order to make themselves appear "superior"). 


Controllers/Narcissists OF COURSE "train" children to think, feel, and BE a certain way, but they also attempt to "train" adults, especially supply targets and scapegoats.


"Training" targets about:

what's "okay" to talk about,

what's "okay" to be interested in,

how the Narcissist should be SEEN.. (their constructed image)

who to care about and who NOT to care about,

who to automatically follow, believe, obey, and seek approval from,

who not to RESPECT, believe, or listen to,

HOW TO FEEL, 

What the target is "allowed" to accomplish, attempt, or be GOOD AT, and what they're NOT "allowed" to accomplish or excel at,

what's "okay" to do for activities or recreation,

what "attractiveness" looks like,

who they are "allowed" to be attracted to,

what's "okay" to do for a job,

what "intelligence" and "morality" looks like,

WHO is "intelligent", and who's not,

what to ask questions about or NOT,

what's okay to learn about or NOT,

who to TALK TO, who NOT to talk to,

who to be "friends" with or NOT be friends with,

what to "enjoy" doing,

what's "okay" to LIKE or LOVE, and what to dislike or "hate",

of course what to believe,

what to LIVE IN DENIAL ABOUT.

Invalidation Is About Domination

Invalidation is a domination and bully tool.
Their desire to make a target into a "lower status" person is so great that a Narcissist will literally invalidate ANYTHING about the target, including things that have nothing to do with "status" in the real world. When they act like a target is "making up stories" when they mention that their first cousin is Will Smith, that's almost understandable (almost); most people would be a little skeptical about such a claim (although non-narcissists would not accuse the person of lying, they'd at least suspend belief at first).

However a Narcissist will invalidate ANYTHING that a target says, and talks about. ANYTHING. And sometimes it's to the point of ridiculousness.
So if a target says they went for a walk and saw a deer, the Narcissist might respond as if they believe them, but also might act like they're "just saying that to get attention".
(Yes, that's right, claims to have seen a deer on a walk just sounds CRAZY! and since it's so OUTLANDISH, it would of course ONLY BE SAID if the person was "TRYING TO GET ATTENTION"... you watch, soon the Local News Channel will pull up out front and want to interview the person about their first-hand-account of witnessing a deer on a walk...)

Invalidating anything and everything about a target can become a habitual reaction to the target's every move and word, and it serves to constantly give the impression to EVERYONE, including the target, that the target is completely self-centered, attention-seeking, grandiose, a liar, a story-teller, a and even delusional.

Since of course the target is going to defend themselves when they get made out to be a "liar" or "attention seeking" (if they're at all healthy~), the Narcissist will use THIS TOO as ammunition against the target, claiming that they're "argumentative", "hostile", again "delusional", "always have to be RIGHT", and even "abusive". 

Unfortunately, VERY FEW people witnessing this have enough self-awareness to see this behavior for what it is, even when it's going on all the time. Also, since many people are closet bullies themselves, they go along with it and don't want to expose the game, since they're playing it too.

There are a LOT of game-players in the human species who live through their envy, insecurity, and desire for superiority and special privilege, who will go along with targeting another human being. Especially if they have jealousy toward the target, or if the target has or does something they envy. 

A Narcissist will invalidate anything AT ALL about a target person, even if there is blatant, obvious evidence that something is true. A person could be in a hospital bed, in traction, with their mouth covered in a plaster cast, and the Narcissist would imply that the person is "making a big deal out of it" or "trying to get attention".
It's NOT ABOUT "reality", it's about their desire to make the target themselves "invalid", and therefore a very "low status" person, an "unliked" or "unwanted" person, or a "non-person", someone who isn't a valid member of the group, the family, the community, or even the partnership.

Invalidation behavior is also a part of "Gaslighting".

Some Common Narcissist Traits

All "Narcissists" have some things in common, regardless of their underlying issues:

A compulsion to dominate and control anyone who happens to be in their world,

the belief that their opinions and perception are almost always, or are 100% factual and correct,

a feeling of satisfaction when they can find a "flaw" in another person, or another person's work.

frequently attempting to find "flaws" where none exist.

an ever-present running current of envy, jealousy, and disdain.

an inability to differentiate their personal feelings from the real world around them,

compulsion to judge others very negatively or very positively,

acceptance of stereotypes about other people

denial of any of their own mistakes, flaws, lack of ability or knowledge, and especially of their poor treatment of others.

annoyance toward others for hundred of reasons, but mostly for having any needs, expressing any emotion, appearing confident, expecting to be treated with actual respect, disagreeing even politely, not completely complying with the Narcissist's expectations, being different than the Narcissist had assumed, being right, being good at something, needing any assistance, being happy about something, caring about someone else, talking about anything that the Narcissist is not somehow included in.

projecting their own motives, feelings, and behaviors onto other people. (the reason they want to get promoted is so they can be "special" and boss others around, so they assume that's why everyone else wants to get promoted).

a strong desire to be the star of any story or show, whether they're the hero, the villain, or the innocent victim; most prefer the hero or victim role, but many will take the villain role, especially because they think it scares people.

exaggerated assumptions about other people (many Narcissists will for example see one person as being VERY STRONG, and another person as being VERY WEAK).

an image of themselves as a certain Character, someone they knew in real life, or someone from stories or movies.

projecting "Characters" onto other people, either from their personal past, or from stories or movies; they'll match specific things about a person to a character, and then assume that's how the person really is, and treat them accordingly. (If you remind them of Chuck Norris, and they think he's cool, they'll think you're just like him and therefore you're cool too. If you remind them of a little girl from their neighborhood because of your blond hair, they'll treat you as if you are the SAME as the girl. Etc.)

an inability to see other people as multi-faceted,

projecting "preset" assumptions onto other people based almost solely on their physical traits; if you're a pretty female, you must be whatever their presets are: so, perhaps stuck-up, or perhaps promiscuous, or stupid; if you're a physically strong female, you must be homosexual, or crazy, or trying to dominate men; if you're African-descent, you must be whatever their presets are about black people; if you're Caucasian, you must be whatever their presets are about white people, etc.

a lack of flexibility in thinking, feeling, and action,

serious ego-identity issues,

the need to be seen and noticed in order to feel real,

belief that they're entitled to better treatment from others than they give,

huge difficulty in sharing resources with anyone, including their own children- small or adult.
When they do share resources it's usually in order to gain something for themselves, such as recognition and credit, so they're more likely to donate resources to "important" people and institutions where they'll be SEEN and recorded.

a need for hierarchy, and a belief that social hierarchy is real,

an apparent complete blindness to their own behaviors (a narcissist will chastise and attack another person for doing the exact thing that they're doing).

a compulsion to feel above others in order to feel worthy,

lack of ability to actually connect with others,

addiction to some kind of "supply", whatever it may be, and denial of having that addiction,
using anyone in order to get their supply,

an apparent inability to empathize, or empathize accurately (some can do it to a degree, but are very limited, for instance they may only recognize a couple of emotions, or only emotions in people who are similar to themselves, or people they "like" at the moment.)

the desire to be seen as one of some kind of elite crowd, which could mean anything: one of the "important" people, "one of the guys", an "eccentric", a "great person", a member of a certain club or organization; one of the "cool" people, one of the "good" people, one of the "intelligent" people, etc.

lack of care about any damage or suffering they inflict on others;

a feeling of self-righteousness;

reaction of rage (either smoldering or explosive) when someone does not allow them to dominate them or control them; when someone else has equal or greater skill, talent, looks, power, etc.: when someone else is getting more attention than they are for any reason; when they get caught doing something wrong; when their hidden agenda gets exposed; when someone sees through their false image; when someone does not treat them as an elite; when someone does not recognize their "superiority"; when someone stands up to them, or for someone else.

desire and compulsion to retaliate for real OR misconstrued, OR delusion-based "wrongdoings" of others

Respect (Lack Thereof: Narcissism)

Respect.
~
Narcissists do not respect other people's:

point of view
experience
values
autonomy
space
choices
opinion
ability
knowledge
skill
potential
capability
body
positional authority
age
possessions
personhood
freedom

Especially if the person has been targeted; then a Narcissist will actively disrespect them.

Narcissists appear to respect certain people, but it's not actual "respect", it's either adulation because they view the person as being above others, or it's acting in order to receive positive attention, supply, or to build up their image.

Turning Molehills Into Mountains; Narcissistic Criticism, Judgment, and Projection

Turning normal and even healthy human activities, behaviors, and attributes into "character flaws" about another person, or crimes, betrayals, or abuses, is a very common Narcissism trait/behavior. Further, they'll usually try to convince others that their "assessment" is true.

A Narcissist will turn your enjoyment of coffee from a certain company into you being a "sheep" that follows the crowd, or being "one of those arrogant people".

They'll turn your current hairstyle into an indicator of your entire character and life.

They will turn anything they see you excel at into your being a "show off", being "haughty", or "thinking your All That".

They will turn the way you look physically - the way you were born - into an indication of your entire character and agenda.

Your expression using art, music, dance, or writing will be turned into something negative about you.

Your working on the computer can't be "real work", it HAS to be because you're PRETENDING to do something important in order to GET OUT OF doing "real work".


It's important to note that Narcissists will PROJECT these judgments onto others, but NOT THEMSELVES, or other favored individuals, about the same behavior.

They will use these things to try to shame or guilt the person themselves, OR they will use these things to slander the person to others, or both.


A Narcissist will turn your occasional beer, wine, or cocktail into "alcoholism", while dismissing their habit of 3 beers per night and several on the weekend.

They will turn your past relationships into "evidence" that you are (insert negative judgment here): frigid? cold? whore? loose? unstable? prudish? ...But whatever their past is, it doesn't mean anything negative about them at all.

They'll turn your occasional recreational trips to the casino into a "gambling addiction", while conveniently not mentioning their many weekly lottery tickets, scratch tickets, or football pools.

They'll turn your occasional late-paid bill into a "character flaw" and "bad money habits", but apparently forget all about their credit consolidation, foreclosure, or bankruptcy.

They'll turn your friendships, acquaintances, and family relationships into something negative, something illicit, something with a HIDDEN AGENDA. .... But of course all of their relationships and acquaintances are pure as the driven snow.


Narcissists PROJECT their own motives onto others.
If THEY make "friends" with people because they find them sexually attractive, then that's what they think YOU do.
If THEY only go on the computer to play games and socialize, then that's what they think YOU do.

Narcissists also cast judgment in order to make a targeted person seem BAD or SMALL or UNTRUSTWORTHY, and they are MOST LIKELY to target those they envy, and/or those they have betrayed or hurt.

They also do it in order to DEFLECT JUDGMENT OFF OF THEMSELVES.
When they're pointing at someone else, people tend to look where they're pointing instead of AT THEM.


It's also important to note that Narcissists tend to TRY to gather "dirt" on targeted people, and if they can't find any, they'll just make it up, or TWIST and magnify what they do find.

Incredibly, very few people even seem to take notice that the Narcissist is making judgments about others based on PERSONAL things that are mostly NONE of their business, and RARELY warrant "judgment".

They are the masters of criticism, condemnation and shame, because they make it sound like they're "concerned", or "aggravated", or "helping".
They are the masters of gossip, because they make it sound like they're not gossiping, they're "just talking" or "venting" or "sharing information", but the truth is they're trying to persuade others to go along with their negative judgments about another person.



Narcissists will do this to ANYONE in their lives, including their own children, their "best friend", their spouse, other family members, coworkers, customers, PATIENTS, clients, competitors, and of course political candidates and celebrities.
Literally anyone. It's a tool in their toolbox; they'll use it.

Humility

Humility requires letting go of the desire for supremacy over other human beings, and the feeling of entitlement to be an authority and have control over other human beings.

Humility requires recognizing that one does not necessarily have a firmer, more accurate intellectual grasp on concepts, knowledge, theory, or planning than other people.

Humility requires letting go of comparing one's self to others, and looking for excuses to find them inferior.

Humility requires healthy boundaries, and has nothing to do with groveling or self-deprecation.

Humility allows one to learn much more than one can when they are trapped in entitlement or arrogance. 

BLAME and DOMINATION

Blaming... everything that happens has to be someone's fault, or something someone did wrong - either "on purpose", or because the blamed person is "incompetent or stupid".

"Blaming" is a form of domination and control, and also a way to deflect accountability.

Most people who habitually blame also target specific people to dump blame on. This has a double-agenda: to get out of admitting to their own mistake, AND to create or reinforce negative judgment and negative image onto a certain person.

~When they can't find their keys, it must be because SUSAN took them. (Even if Susan has never taken anything that belonged to anyone else in her life.)
~If there's no milk, it must be because JOHN drank it all and didn't replace it instantaneously.

John is pretty much always to blame... he's the scapegoat; everyone in the group blames John when anything is amiss, no matter how trivial; or even when NOTHING is amiss.

John left the shovel out the other day, he forgot to put it away when he was finished, so that just proves that John is a lazy, untrustworthy, air-headed loser... Funny though that when anyone else forgets to put the shovel away, it's no big deal... and it's because they were so tired from working... or because they were distracted by something important... or because ... because... but not so for John, there's no "reason" that's valid for him. Something as trivial as leaving the shovel out indicates his ENTIRE CHARACTER as "BAD".
(And then someone in the group will say "But it's not just that.. John is always doing stuff like that.." And apparently, "stuff like that" indicates bad character. Forgetting to put the shovel away, finishing the milk without running immediately out to replace it, such gigantic, terrible things OBVIOUSLY indicate that John is a terrible person... regardless of anything else about him, including his volunteer work at the animal shelter, his job as a caregiver, his helpfulness with the children in the family...etc.

And projecting this kind of damaging JUDGMENT onto him apparently is perfectly innocent...?!?
In traffic, people who blame seem oblivious to their own driving mistakes and habits. They'll blame everyone else on the road for any kind of "problems" that they have, but completely dismiss anything that they're doing wrong.
If someone in front of them is doing the speed limit, and they want to go faster, they'll BLAME the person in front of them for "slowing them down", and may do things like ride the person's bumper (two forms of domination: blame, and bullying.) It doesn't occur to them apparently that there is a reason for the speed limit, for example a residential road, or curves, or a high accident rate, etc. They also seem to believe that because THEY want to break the speed limit, that everyone else should CATER to them, so that driver in front of them is doing something "wrong" by doing the speed limit.

Blamers tend to BREAK RULES in order to feel powerful and "outside the law" or the rules, but they will ENFORCE those laws and rules on OTHER PEOPLE.
So if the person in front of them was breaking the speed limit, they would probably notice, and call them "reckless". THEY'RE not "reckless" when THEY speed, OR when they ride a person's bumper, but OTHER people are when THEY speed.

They're not consistent or objective; they are ALWAYS SUBJECTIVE. They "change the rules" according to what their current agenda is, and according to WHO is involved.

Blamers will place blame for anything and everything, in ANY situation.
They will place JUDGMENT on others for anything and everything.
They continuously scan for excuses to place both judgment and blame on others (especially when they've chosen a person or group to target).
Blamers tend to group people together in order to place blame and judgment on the whole group (poor people, rich people, women, men, blonde haired people, black people, Asians, white people, attractive people, "successful" people, homeless people, all Christians, all Muslims, all Jews, all non-main-religion people, all members of a political party, all doctors, all gov. employees, all teachers, all parents, all teenagers, all elderly people, all French people, all rock musicians, etc. etc.)
From personal interactions, to their business interactions, to community issues, to their place of business, to the medical community, to the government, everything is always SOMEONE'S "FAULT".  And on top of that, that "someone" is NEVER THEMSELVES.

Nothing outside themselves is ever something that just happened, an innocent mistake or overlook, a well-intentioned wrong decision.

They will DEFLECT BLAME about anything and everything, when they actually are "to blame".

Control, avoidance of accountability, and domination.

Strangely, a lot of blamers end up in positions of control and power, both in personal/social groups, and in business.
Most people seem unaware of what the person is really doing, and often respond as if the person is more responsible and knowledgeable than others, but likely the real reason for their response is just fear of being targeted for blame, and also wanting to be on the side of the bully so they can participate in dominating someone else (scapegoating).

Anti-Establishment, Rebellion, Fairness, Justice, RIghts

Hypocrite: A person who "fights for equal rights, justice, and fair treatment"...
but not for those other people...

If you're talking about "RESPECT, EQUALITY, AND FAIRNESS" for people who are your own sex, race, age, or otherwise, but not for the others, and especially not for one certain group of "others",

You Are Full Of Crap.
You just want to be one of the people who are in control and have power over other people.
(Those other people... those "smaller" people... those ones who don't look the same as you, or have the same body parts, or hair...)

Grow up.

When Your Wife, Partner, Friend, Or Child Is A "Bitch"

A red flag of Codependency OR Narcissism is when a person talks about their spouse, partner, friend, family member, or business partner in a deprecating way, as if the person is very hard to live with and deal with, but makes no move to fix anything, or simply end the relationship, or move on and out.

"I can't stand him he's such an a**hole, so sick of his issues."
"That pain in the ass"
"She's a royal b****, she drives me crazy."
"Nag nag nag..."
"Oh it's HIM again, I have to answer this"
"Here we go again, it's HER..."

Or TO the person.
"All you do is yak, yak, yak.."
"Go f. yourself..."
"Did we take our B. pills today?"
"What is it NOW?!"
"You are such a know it all, pain in my ass!"
"We're DONE!"

Those are things that a healthy person MIGHT say about someone they are trying to get away from, right now. Not next week, not six months from now, but RIGHT NOW. If the relationship is that awful, then plans should be already made and moving forward for the person to make a hasty departure.

BUT... people who are Controllers WANT someone they can use for a punching bag. They want someone around who they can complain about, who they can trash to be "COOL", and who they can use to paint themselves a victim. They often want someone around who they can USE as a servant, a decoration, a sex doll, a a surrogate parent for themselves, a parent for "THEIR kids", a paycheck, etc. in a one-sided relationship, or someone who they can play out their past on.

Controllers who have Narcissism especially, will NOT go to counseling, will NOT communicate civilly and caringly with the person and try to repair the relationship, will NOT learn about themselves and their own behavior, will NOT follow through on anything, and will DO NOTHING significant to improve the relationship. They will take NO responsibility, usually, for their own contribution.

If a person acts like they CAN NOT STAND another person, are always MAD at another person, are always ACCUSING the other person, but they do nothing except complain and rage at them, or about them, then they are almost certainly either seriously Codependent or a Narcissist, or BOTH.

NPD or Something Else

It helps us to recognize what's really going on with a person who's displaying behaviors that could be construed as abusive or Narcissistic.
If they are actually "NPD", then we really need to be very careful about interacting with them, how much access they have to us and others in our lives, and our resources. A person with NPD is not at all connected to reality, and has apparently no remorse or guilt about getting their wants met, and their wants could range from getting an ice cream right now, to buying whatever toy they want regardless of who's money they're using, to hiding seriously dangerous, illegal, or damaging behavior. As in, they'll set up a Meth Lab in your basement, where you live with your children.
They'll make sure you get fired to retaliate against something that tweaked their ego, or something you didn't even do. They'll trash anyone at all to High Heaven, just for a desired outcome for themselves, or even just for fun, because they're getting attention. They'll tell your parents, your kids, your friends, family, coworkers, boss, neighbors, anyone who will listen that you're secretly a drug-smuggling child-trafficker, or whatever it takes, in order to turn them against you, and to make you lose your support network, business, and reputation. They'll fight for sole custody of your kids, sue you, and try to make sure you don't get your own money or possessions for no reason other than to "win" against you, hurt you, and control you, literally.

Most people who display Narcissism traits or abusive behavior are not "NPD". There's a large number of things that can cause a person to become hostile or abusive, including legal medication, or self-medicating with any kind of substance. (If a person can ingest it and it's for purposes of causing some kind of effect, it's a drug.) Addiction to our own adrenaline and neurochemicals can also cause all kinds of behaviors. Obviously PTSD can cause hostility and defensiveness. BPD can display as aggressive or manipulative behavior, but it's not NPD, and can be treated very effectively, since it's really an effect of control, neglect, and/or abuse on a child growing up. People with Bipolar disorder may have delusions, and may become very aggressive. Alzheimer's is a big one, and tragic, but if you didn't know a person had it, you might think they were a "raging Narc.". A lot of people mistake Asperger's for Narcissism, for various reasons.

If YOU are worried that you're too judgmental, hostile, aggressive, or self-centered, then you probably don't have NPD (you wouldn't CARE if you did, or notice it). But you may benefit greatly from doing research about your symptoms, and finding a good therapist, doctor, or healer.

Aggressive Or Defensive

People who have aggressive behaviors, especially if they suffer from some form of illness or disorder (can include PTSD) often do NOT seem to know the differences between aggression and defense, or the difference between domination and expressing one's own point of view.
They also don't seem to know the difference between slander and seeking help, advice, or solace. (Whether they're on the talking end or the receiving end.)

The "aggressor" is the one who is "chasing" a person to "make them" give some kind of response, "make them" give attention, or "prove" to them that they're "wrong".

Aggressors also commonly actively try to RECRUIT OTHERS for their "side" against a person.
Aggressors actively do things TO another person, and ABOUT another person, without respect for the person.
Aggressors often try to MAKE other people feel, do, believe, and say what they want them to.

A POST on Facebook expressing one's own feelings, observations, or point of view is PASSIVE and non-hostile, unless it mentions a specific person; then it's aggressive.

A countering COMMENT on someone else's Post is aggressive, not passive. An insulting comment is hostile, not defensive.

Messaging someone with accusations, name-calling, demands, or threats is aggressive, and hostile, not passive.

Going TO another person and trying to get them to DISLIKE and TURN AGAINST someone they know is aggressive, very hostile, and manipulative.

Using a dog for an example, the dog who is walking around out in the street looking to bite a person who's also walking in the street, because they're there, or because of their smell or their shoes, is AGGRESSIVE. The dog is INITIATING contact with the person, the dog is actively going TO THE PERSON in order to bite them.
But if that same dog is in a yard, behind a fence, and a human person comes to the fence and taunts the dog, and reaches over the fence, then that dog is DEFENDING him or herself. The HUMAN in this case is being AGGRESSIVE.
There's no justification for it, the human initiated contact and invaded the dog's space. 

How Abusers Maintain Control Over Another Person

The three main methods Controllers keep control over a target is inducing fear of consequence for non-compliance to their commands and expectation; manipulation/lying; and lying and exaggerating to other people about a target.

People who aren't Controllers DON'T HAVE targets.
They don't trash others or participate in gossip about others.
They don't try to bully, dominate, and control others,
and they don't lie and omit information from the people in their lives who they're pretending to care about and be connected with in order to manipulate people and situations, or in order to make themselves look better. 
(with the exception of when they need to protect themselves or others from abuse).

This IS one of the reasons a Controller will target a specific person, because they don't fear CONSEQUENCES from the person.

They don't fear that the person will hit them back or threaten them back physically.
They don't fear that someone is going to stand up for them, especially when they have already slandered the target in order to convince people that he or she is a "bad person". (Since most modern humans seem to drink up back-stabbing others like good beer, it's easy for them.)
They don't fear that the person will retaliate somehow, because they know the person's VALUES and integrity are intact, and they just aren't going to do it.
They don't fear that the target is going to EXPOSE THEM, because again, they've already convinced people who the target would go to that the TARGET is a "bad person" and not to be trusted.

The overwhelming lack of maturity that plagues the human species is what allows Narcissism to persist. Most people don't stand up for others against even the smallest disrespects, never mind slander or abuse, generally. They are more likely to swallow gossip and slander hook, line, and sinker, quite willingly. And they are more likely to bully than to help a person who's already targeted; they're more likely to deny bully behavior (so they can keep doing it) than monitor their own behavior and motives, and they're more likely to ALLOW a target to be bullied and disrespected, instead of doing anything to stop it or even admit that it's happening.

Humans who don't stand up for others against disrespect, bullying, slander, or abuse are most likely ALSO DOING IT THEMSELVES, to someone else.

Which One Is The Narcissist, Which Is The Target?

So a couple you know seems to be opposites of each other. They might also be a pair of friends, a pair of siblings, or a parent/child pair. One of them is talkative and warm, confident, well-rounded; generous and giving, responsible and knowledgeable. The other one seems shy, introverted, less experience, less knowledgeable, less warm, or even cold, and perhaps sullen or "stuck up".
When they're around, you tend to talk to the outgoing one, but you find yourself "trying to be polite" to the other one. You tend to judge the outgoing one as a "great person", and the other not-so-much.

Do you think you know the whole story?
Did other people tell you that the outgoing one is "wonderful" in so many words, and that the quiet one is "weird", or "burdensome", or something to that effect?
Do people tend to COMPARE them to one another, and make one of them "good" and one of them "bad", one of them a "winner" and one of them a "loser", one of them an "innocent" and the other one "taking advantage", etc?

People we know present different "personalities" on the surface, and that's what we tend to respond to. If they present as "happy" and "warm", we tend to think of them as lively, energetic, attentive, giving, and fun to be around.
If they seem shy, sullen, or more introverted, we tend to think of them as less so, and even self-centered, whiny or "weak".


There is a huge problem, however, with the way we tend to judge others. We really don't look beneath the surface. We respond and judge by the way a person seems to ACT socially, but we don't really pay attention to what they DO, or what they're really saying, or how they TREAT other people.

We also forget about relationship dynamics and social signals.

WHY does a person who is so "warm" and "giving" choose a partner who is apparently cold and shy?
WHY would a child of a person who is "warm" and "giving" seem cold and shy, sullen, or introverted?
What's really going on there?
Is the "cold" one a "Controller"?
Or is it the "warm" one the "Controller"?

There are a couple of ways we can observe what's really going on, and perhaps get a more accurate view of the dynamic, and better understand people we know or that are in our family.

The first thing we need to understand is that a "WARM PERSONALITY" does NOT automatically indicate a genuinely "KIND PERSON" with a "KIND HEART". It MIGHT, but it just as easily might be an act, or just the way the person grew up, adapting the behaviors of those around him or her.
The second thing we need to understand is that a seemingly "COLD" or "SHY PERSONALITY" does NOT automatically indicate that a person is "INTROVERTED", "SELF-CENTERED", or "HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM".

The third thing is that the way people SEEM TO US does NOT necessarily indicate their "personality", their LIFE, what their real motives and agendas are, or the way they treat those who they're close to.

People have years to learn how to act and behave before they reach adolescence, and years more before they reach adulthood. ("They" meaning "we", all of us.)
So a person with a Narcissistic agenda is MORE LIKELY to learn how to put on a show and come across as a "GREAT PERSON", because they've seen how others respond so favorably to that kind of personality, and they know it will open all kinds of doors.

A person may ALSO adapt "tough" or "cold" behaviors on purpose, in order to elicit a different response from other people, such as the kind of false respect that people give to those they're unsure of, or who they fear for whatever reason.

A narcissistic person may also adapt "logical" or "smart" as a personality presentation, or "funny and endearing", or "cool", or "innocent and vulnerable".

Any of these personality presentations elicit a RESPONSE from others.
A non-Narcissist might really be "warm", "giving", "tough", "sweet", "smart", or "innocent". 
But a person who does have Narcissism will use one of these (or more than one) as a COSTUME, as a MASK, in order to present themselves a certain way so others will respond to them and think of them a certain way.

All that being said, a Narcissist is more likely to come across superficially as CONSISTENTLY a certain way, because it's not really "them", it's a mask they're holding up, a costume they're wearing. Only those who are CLOSE to them get the real person, and get treated accordingly.

So, when we see a couple, or a pair of friends, or a parent/child couple, and we want to know what's really going on with them, we can observe a few things:

1.) Which one do WE tend to talk to out of the pair? Which one do WE seem to automatically connect with, pay attention to, listen to, speak with, and which one do we tend to avoid or ignore, even if they're standing right next to each other?
If one of them really is a "Controller" or "Narcissist", then it's the one we pay attention to. 
It's about subtle social signals that we don't know we're responding to, and also our own desire to associate with "popular" people, and avoid "unpopular" people.

2.) Which one of them talks about themselves? Which one of them makes announcements about what they did, what happened to them, what they're doing, their job, their accomplishments, their kids' accomplishments, their aches, pains, and their latest problems, and what they're doing for others?
And how much does the other person announce or boast about themselves, their lives, their problems, their kids, or their good deeds?
The answer to this one is obvious, but we don't seem to realize that we often buy into the boasting when it's happening, and also buy into our own assumption about a person who doesn't boast not having a "life", not being that smart or capable, or doing much "good".

3.) When they are both present, how are their MANNERS? Which one allows the other to speak? Which one interrupts the other when they speak, on a regular basis? Which one CORRECTS the other in front of others, argues with them, or counters them on a regular basis?
(And how do find yourself reacting when it happens? Do you go along with it, ignore it, participate?)
This is domination behavior, much like when a dog displays domination signals toward another dog. It doesn't mean the one showing dominance is smarter or better, it just means that they like to dominate.
4.) How much does one talk about the other person in a positive way, compared to the way they talk about themselves? Do they refer to the other person as a "WE", INCLUDING the other person with themselves when they talk about accomplishments, adventures, projects, or experiences?
Or do they seem to leave the other person OUT of everything they do?
Do they talk about someone else all the time in a positive way (like another friend or relative), but not the person they're often with?
This is about painting a picture of themselves without the other person in it, so others will remember the "story" with only one main character, THEM. A person with Narcissism might describe their own wedding or the birth of their child as if they were the only ones there, or the only one that experienced any of the events that happened. They might add in a "WE" here and there when they catch themselves or fear getting "caught", but for the most part, they'll talk about most of their experiences, good or bad, as if they are the star of the show, the leader, or the only one there.

5.) Does one of them make subtle negative references to the other? And more importantly, does one of them GO ALONG WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S NEGATIVE REFERENCES OR TREATMENT TOWARD THE OTHER? When people are obviously polite or warm toward one of them but rude and cold toward the other, what's the reaction?
Narcissistic people delight in this kind of thing. They love it when they're getting the "star" treatment, and the person they're with is being treated rudely by others. This confirms their belief that they're better than the other person. They don't stand up for the person, they don't do anything at all to correct the dynamic (like purposely introducing their partner, or interrupting the rude people to speak directly to their partner, or putting their arm or hand on their partner, child, friend, or sibling to show solidarity. If and when the person who was treated rudely reacts in some way, or says something about it later, a Narcissist will DEFEND THE RUDE PEOPLE, and him/herself. As opposed to a non-narcissist, who would empathize with and defend the person who was treated poorly.)

6.) Do you get the sense, deep down, in the back of your mind, that if you were to treat them both with the SAME RESPECT, that one of them might get offended, be hurt, get jealous, or stop liking you?
Which one of them do you treat with MORE RESPECT, courtesy, and attention because you feel like that's what they want?

7.) Does one of them seems to step in front of the other one, as if they're onstage?

8.) Does one of them seem FATIGUED, and the other seems to be filled with energy or strength?

9.) Does one talk about the other as if they're their PARENT instead of their peer? Does an adult child talk about their parent as if the parent still has authority over them? Does a partner talk about the other as if their control is driving them crazy?
(This can go either way; Narcissists do try to control targets, so that could be what's really going on, but on the other hand, Narcissists will talk about their target as if they're the Controller, in order to create the "story". Literally, all this tells is that there is dysfunction, but not who is "controlling" who. Like # 10, all the other factors would need to be added.)

10.) Does one of them come across as "very attractive", "very knowledgeable", and "very warm", but the other one, to you, seems "less intelligent" or "less confident" overall, "pinched" or "worried"?
This one is not a good indicator either of which is which, it could go either way. Because while a Narcissist who feels like he or she has accomplished being seen as the "better one" will of course be happy, the Narcissist/Controller who feels like the other person is being perceived as the "better one" will be UNHAPPY. So this alone is too superficial. Behaviors, actions, and actual words and speech would be needed to make any kind of observation.


We can make these observations in order to learn more about ourselves, as well.
Narcissism, control, disrespect, neglect, and abuse can't exist in society unless other people are complicit, either knowingly or unknowingly. We humans tend to be very naive when it comes to judging other people, and we tend to use the most superficial information in order to make huge assumptions about others, for good or for ill. That's why Narcissists often get past our "radar".
They know what signals to put out there to make themselves look like a great person, and they know how to push other people's "buttons" to make them look like a not-so-great person.
They also know about other people's general BIASES and PREJUDICES, so they know that it's easier to get you to DISLIKE one person because of the way they look than another.

The best way to protect ourselves and others against Narcissism and Control is to learn more about ourselves, our own tendencies to assume, our own biases and prejudices, and our own tendencies to believe what we want to believe, instead of what's really there.

Other "Smart", "Talented", or "Attractive" People: Narcissists Don't Likey

Healthy people LOVE to meet "kindred spirits", that is people who they have important things IN COMMON with so they can do those things WITH each other, share their common experiences and feelings, help each other with common problems, and just basically enjoy being connected to a person who "gets them".

Narcissists, on the other hand, DO NOT LIKE!

The Narcissist SINGER, for example, has to be the ONLY SINGER, or he has to be the BEST SINGER. Another talented singer is nothing more than a THREAT to this "Crown", he doesn't see them as a "kindred spirit". No matter HOW NICE and HOW HUMBLE the other singer is, they're a threat, just by their very existence. In fact, the NICER the other singer is, the MORE of a threat they are! Because "talent" PLUS "nice person" is even MORE competition!
ADD "GOOD LOOKS" to the mix, and you've got yourself a FULL BLOWN NARCISSISTIC RAGE STORM READY TO EXPLODE!
The SEX of the other singer is not relevant, except for the Narcissist singer's personal BIAS issues, which will make the RAGE STORM either less volatile, or WORSE.

You can replace the word "SINGER" in the previous paragraph with literally ANYTHING that a human can do, and I do mean anything.

Lead Guitar players are widely known for having Narcissism issues, but most people don't seem to realize that Bass players are just as likely to have them as well, as are Back-up Singers, Rhythm guitar players, Keyboard players, Banjo Players, Drummers, Violinists, Floutists, Harmonica players, Trumpet players... Sound Technicians, Stage Managers, Tour Managers, Stage Crew, Pyrotechnic Crew, Road Crew, Club owners, Ushers, Ticket Sales clerks, the cleaning crew, the electricians who wired the Auditorium, Vendors, the architect who designed the Theater, the Contractors and Subcontractors who built the Theater, the bank employees who gave the owner the loan to build it, the landscapers, the phone operators, the FANS from every walk of life, etc..

If you've ever wondered why they're so much DRAMA around you, just think about how Narcissists react when there's someone else who's a "threat" to their ego nearby... and then think about how it's not really possible to do BUSINESS without dealing all the time with people who have talent, skill, knowledge, and physical "attractiveness".

How many times a day does a typical Narcissist feel threatened or insulted, and therefore get an "attitude" or do something mean to someone, and also have to work to cover it up?
And that's only when they're not scheming, that is.

And how many people are dealing with the consequences and fallout from the attitudes, dramas, sabotage, and schemes of those Narcissists, every single day?! In their personal OR business lives?!

The Soap Opera we call "modern global society" makes Dynasty look like a children's show.
And it's ALL BECAUSE OF NARCISSISM.

The only prerequisite for Narcissism is that a person was born a Homo Sapien.
The JOB they have is incidental. They most likely chose it because they saw it as a way to gain something (status, image, sex, power, money), or it was what they could do at the time, or someone helped them get it... who knows. If they switched jobs with someone on the other side of the world, they would still be Narcissistic, and they would still feel threatened by anyone there who could do something they can do, or knows something they know, or is apparently "attractive".   

Bullies Are Full Of Fear

People with domination/bully issues typically don't stand up against bullies, they don't stand up FOR other people against bullies, and they attack people who they think are NOT likely to smash them back down.
They attack, disrespect, and "blow off" those they believe to be less powerful than themselves either socially, physically, financially, or politically, and ALSO those who they think will NOT retaliate because of values and ethics.
(That's why they usually attack/blow off/disrespect/slander those in their own family, or those they've gotten to know. They have gauged the person to be either unable or UNWILLING to retaliate against them.)

Those they actually FEAR, however, either socially or physically, they will continue to treat with the most courteous "respect and civility", regardless of the person's actions or attitude.

"Bullies" don't know the difference between respect and fear, or that there even IS a difference.
Most bullies think that the only reason a person does not retaliate against them is because of fear; they don't understand "values" or "empathy", so they can't factor them in.

Tragically, their children often miss out on learning the difference as well, because they're learning from the adults in their lives.
If children don't ever come across adults who are willing and able to guide them in ethics, values, and boundaries, their chances of ever learning are next to nil.

Gossip, Slander, Attention Whores

Whether a negative story about another person is true or not, it's slander if it's used as an excuse to treat the person poorly, and as a way to destroy their reputation in a family, a community, or a business. People who gossip and slander DON'T CARE if something is true or not, and they certainly don't "check their facts". People who trash others behind their backs and who spread rumors are after one thing: ATTENTION. Those who go around calling another a 'drama queen' are the real thing."

Image, Status, Acceptance, and Sexism

Narcissism, Sexism, and Racism go hand in hand because they have the same source:
the desire to be SEEN AS A MEMBER OF A CERTAIN GROUP,
and to be INCLUDED BY MEMBERS OF THAT GROUP.
This is just another IMAGE and STATUS issue.

The boy who used to be your best friend for years stopped hanging out with you... and started hanging out with people you didn't really know, and who didn't include you or act polite toward you.
Ever wonder WHY?
Did you have a serious "falling out", where you did something terrible to him? Or did he just kind of spend less time with you, and more and more time without you, with other people?
Did he act like you were the one who did something "wrong", but offered no valid explanation?

People with Ego and Narcissism issues do this all the time to people they've been friends with for years, family members they used to be close to, and also coworkers, club members, anywhere there are other people.

They suddenly "CHANGE", because their real goal and desire is to be SEEN AS A MEMBER OF A GROUP WITH "POWER", or "POPULARITY", or "ACCEPTANCE".
They will simply DISCARD, shun, "blow off", even slander or ostracize their former "best friend", partner, or family member because that person doesn't FIT IN WITH THIS GROUP.

The person is not the RIGHT SEX or the RIGHT RACE, or even the RIGHT HEIGHT or WEIGHT, or FINANCIAL STANDING.
Or whatever else the group is "all about".

ADDITIONALLY, a "best friend", partner, or family member will be "discarded" and excluded because someone in the GROUP is JEALOUS or ENVIOUS of them, and won't allow their inclusion. So the person trying to be accepted by them "cuts them loose" like extra weight, or TURNS ON THEM like they're suddenly a burdensome growth...

If this has happened to you (and it has happened at some point to MOST OF US, when we didn't know we were "close" to a Narcissist), then consider being "cut loose" a GAIN for yourself.
You didn't know you were being apparently used as someone's SIDEKICK, TARGET, or SPACE FILLER, or STEP STOOL, but now you do, and you are NO LONGER.
Thank the stars, thank the Lord.
Amen.

Above OR Below: Narcissistic Perception

A person who has Narcissism issues thinks in "black and white" terms; everything is ONE THING OR THE OTHER. So their interaction with other people reflects this: To a Narcissist, other people are not variable, changing, growing, autonomous beings who are capable of all kinds of things, no matter who or what they are.

To a Narcissist, people are EITHER:
"higher status" or "lower status".
"Good" or "Bad".
"Weak" or "Strong".
"Correct" or "Incorrect".
"Capable" or "Incapable".
"Smart" or "Stupid".
"Fun" or "Boring".
"Responsible" or "Irresponsible".
"Right" or "Wrong".
"Knowledgeable" or "Ignorant".
"Good" or "Evil".
"Nice" or "Mean".
"Genius" or "Not genius".
"One of us" or "One of them".
"Innocent" or "Dishonest".
"Attractive" or "Unattractive".
"Worthy" or "Unworthy".
"Good" or "Trash".
"Leader" or "Follower".
"Down to earth" or "Stuck up".
"Talented" or "Untalented".
"Above them" or "Below them".

Domination or Submission:
If  a person with Narcissism does not feel like he or she is successfully DOMINATING another person (superior to them, leading them, controlling them), he or she sees that person as TRYING TO DOMINATE and CONTROL THEM.
They are either THE LEADER, or they are THE FOLLOWER, in their minds; cooperation, peer connection, harmony, synchronicity, and kindred spirit is not something they easily understand.
So if a person STANDS UP to their domination, control, and disrespectful behaviors, they will perceive the person as TRYING TO CONTROL, DOMINATE, OR HUMILIATE THEM.

They can't seem to comprehend the difference between a person standing up for themselves against domination and disrespect, and a person trying to assert control over them.

A Narcissist will ONLY "cooperate" as an equal "peer" with a person whom they actually see as "ABOVE" themselves. 

This can also be seen in other illnesses and disorders.
Most children NATURALLY go through this as a normal developmental stage. Children who did not receive enough guidance for various reasons risk getting "stuck" in this way of perceiving themselves and the world.

Narcissist Injury: Humiliation

When a TARGET of a Narcissist does not ALLOW the N. to project inferiority onto them, (treat them like they're less experienced, less intelligent, weaker, less cool, less responsible, less skilled, less deserving of respect), a Narcissist will become ANGRY and INSULTED. This is "Narcissistic Injury", because it's an "insult" to the ego and image the N. is trying create of themselves.

The closest universal thing to Narcissist Injury that most of us may relate with is the time during adolescence when we're trying to build our identities separate from our parents, and our parents treat us like little children in front of our peers. They're ruining our "image" and squishing the perfectly normal, very delicate ego of the adolescent human. They're treating us like the "little kid" version of ourselves, when we want to FEEL LIKE and BE SEEN AS "Grown Up" or "Independent". Narcissists want to be SEEN AS and FEEL LIKE they're a SUPERIOR BEING, so when a person does not allow their disrespectful treatment implying inferiority, the Narcissist feels HUMILIATED, frustrated, blocked, sabotaged, challenged, controlled, and enraged.