Biased Evidence Gathering

Biased evidence gathering means you already believe something to be true, so you gather "evidence" that supports your belief, and you ignore and dismiss information that does not support your belief.

So if I don't want Bigfoot to be real, I will be dismissive toward any evidence of its existence, and say that it's "bunk".

If I'm objective, non-biased, and scientific, I won't be emotionally invested in whether Bigfoot is real or not, at least not very much, and my ego won't be a factor. I won't be annoyed or upset with evidence that someone wants to analyze, nor will I be annoyed with people who believe Bigfoot is real. I won't LIKE people "better" who don't think it's real, nor will I think they're "smarter". I might be annoyed with a person's behavior, the way they're acting, but it would have nothing to do with their belief either way.  

If a scientist (or non-scientist) BELIEVES IN a theory, point of view, or opinion, no matter how much due diligence and objective observation they THINK they're doing during information gathering and analysis, they are still operating under the influence of their BIAS, what they want to be true.

So if you want dogs to be cooler than cats, then you're going to list "reasons why" that's true, you're not going to be looking for reasons that cats are cooler, or that they're the same coolness.
If you want Asperger's syndrome to be a "boy-thing", then that's what you're going to try to prove.
If you want empathy to be a "girl-thing", then that's what you'll be trying to prove is true.

When we believe something is true before we gather information and evidence, we look only for the pieces of information that align with what we believe, and we ignore, even mentally bury information and facts that contradict our preference.

Frustration Of Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Health Issues

Many people who appear to have "Narcissism", or behave in a narcissistic-like fashion, may actually have another undiagnosed mental illness or disorder, or have unrecognized cognitive issues.

However, when a person notices that someone in their family is showing signs of a mental illness or limitation, they are UNLIKELY to find that they can talk to others about it in a non-judgmental, calm or intelligent discussion, and they are UNLIKELY to receive unbiased, objective feedback, or any support.

There are only a couple of go-to diagnoses that both the medical community and people in general can seem to handle and be at least somewhat supportive and mature about, one of which is Alzheimer's, and another is ADHD. Other than that, many people both in and out of the medical, caregiver, and educational fields tend to be dismissive or judgmental toward those with any kind of mental/emotional issue, or about someone's loved one having an emotional or mental issue, or limitation.

Even PTSD sufferers are often treated dismissively, like they're "annoying" or burdensome, or faking it, even by their own doctors and therapists, never mind family or friends. So getting neutral or positive support regarding a friend or loved one's mental/emotional issue seems to now be just a memory of a better era, or a TV-fantasy. Talking to a person who is actually a compassionate, genuinely caring professional in one of these occupations often reveals deep frustration about the overall state of their field, and how they feel like their hands are tied, or like they have very little peer support.

Lack of recognition of disorders, illnesses, and cognitive issues is  a reflection of the larger cultural problems. VERY FEW people now are able to discern one issue from another, because there is so little neutrality, calmness, and common civility to compare mental illness or limitations with. The "baseline" is being erased by an overwhelming increase in a culture of emotional reactivity.

The current culture lacks leadership regarding recognizing and dealing compassionately or objectively, without prejudice, with those who have a disorder or cognitive limitations. There is a lot of talk about being compassionate, and a lot of people think of themselves as compassionate toward others, and the medical, psychiatric, and educational fields are bursting to the seams with unprecedented numbers of workers and professionals who believe themselves to be compassionate experts. But this boom has apparently stifled, not helped, the general care of human beings. The meaning of the adage about giving a man a fish vs. teaching him to fish seems to be completely lost on the greater population; they either don't understand why teaching a person to fish is better than giving them one, or they apparently interpret it as "people need to be taught how to fish because they're stupid", or they misinterpret it somehow that you shouldn't HELP others because they should be getting their own darn fish in the first place. 

It is not EASIER now for a person to get supportive help or intensive therapy for a loved one, or for themselves, either from the medical community, authorities or government agencies, the educational community, nor from friends or family, it's more difficult than ever.
The simple fact that there are so many now who deem themselves "professionals" and "experts" in mental health, physical health, government and education fields that it's commonplace now to put one's image and career-goals ahead of doing the actual job, which is respecting and caring for the people in their charge, first and foremost. In other words, more people than ever are putting their own career goals and job security ahead of the well-being of, and respect for, their patients, clients, constituents, congregation, and students.

The cultural climate has shown some serious consequences on a large scale.
Psychiatric hospitals have been shut down.
There is marginal budgeting for any kind of mental health issues, from mild to severe.
Insurance companies are stingy about mental health visits, or refuse them altogether.
People acquire jobs in positions of AUTHORITY over others without having an understanding of human beings, emotional or mental health, or compassion, empathy, or general civility and respect for others.
"Professionals" no longer work TOGETHER.
Few parents work with other parents keeping the children in the community socialized with one another, teaching them social skills and manners, or setting good examples of how to treat other adults; many parents today are even disrespectful and competitive with EACH OTHER, never mind other parents in the community.
There is a culture of "US vs. THEM" in educational fields; teachers compete and argue about politics, even bringing it into the classroom, and teachers and parents in many communities no longer try to work together amicably.
Mental health is for some incredible, nonsensical reason seen as SEPARATE FROM physical health in both mainstream medicine and mainstream psychiatry.
People seem to have NO IDEA anymore about how a child's social circles, and the influences of family and community, directly affect a child's mental health.
There are thousands of "professionals" who received their degree or certification by working very hard and cramming to pass exams, but have little or no real life experience or understanding, nor genuine respect for patients. Some are even guided to believe that if a person shows up as a patient, that there must be something defective about them. Many are indoctrinated to "believe in" certain "schools of thought" about human psychology and to "believe in" methods of  treatment, as if they're ministering religious beliefs instead of practicing science.

~(Many psych. and counseling students are told to gauge the patients level of "normalcy" by THEIR OWN idea of "normalcy", and that's how they determine the mental health of their patients, so chew on that for a few minutes...)

Being seen as a compassionate or scientific person does not mean that one is actually BEHAVING compassionately or scientifically, but those who need to understand this the most will be the last ones to comprehend it. There may be hope, however, for the future; many young people seem to see a lot of the holes in the "system", and perhaps will help repair and improve it so that Human Beings will be the priority of more future "professionals" instead of it being personal gain, and perhaps then people will learn once again how to cooperate and support one another.

Free-floating Fatigue

If you find you're very fatigued and don't really know why, trying listening objectively to observe what other people around you do and say on a regular basis.
The fatigue could actually be from the content of conversation around you, or from negativity or control in attitude and behavior around you.
Fatigue can also be from diet, illness, physical or mental exhaustion, or lack of oxygen.
But if it's from the environment and people around you, then it will be very helpful to find that out. 

To demonstrate how surrounding social behavior affects a person, observe how you feel after watching an episode of Jerry Springer, for example. Try watching more than one in a row. Really observe how you feel, and then compare that to the way you feel after taking a walk on a beach on a sunny day, or taking a warm shower or bath, or spending time with a pet, or watching a show or movie with creativity and happy, positive content.

Also, Music we listen to influences our moods and even brain activity directly. It's not JUST an expression and validation of one's feelings and point of view, it's also an influence. So if you want to feel depressed, listen to dirges about depressing circumstances, hard times, and regret; if you want to feel sorry for yourself, listen to songs that lament about how life is so hard and lovers are so cruel; if you want to feel hostile, angry, and aggressive, listen to music that reflects those moods; if you want to feel calm, listen to songs that combine positive lyrics with harmonious music.

If you want to feel optimistic, happy, or strong, choose your music wisely. Absolutely pay attention to the lyrics and the attitude, not just the beat and the sound.

Conditioned Patriarchy And Bias

It's common for those (both men and women) who have been conditioned to believe that Patriarchal hierarchy is real to treat girls and women with measurably less respect overall than they treat boys and men.
This behavior is not dictated by the men or the boys, it's one's own behavior due to one's own perception, bias, and conditioned beliefs.
IT FEELS "RIGHT" to them to treat boys and men with more respect, more sympathy, more support, and more care, and it FEELS "OKAY" to be critical, resentful, and condescending toward girls and women.

Obviously this behavior and perception is not consistent straight across the board, but it's the general climate of most current human cultures; some more obvious, blatant, and shameless about it than others. In wealthier cultures, the media now plays a large role in conditioning people; in less wealthy cultures, political or religious leaders tend to play the largest role.

We see this behavior every day in any culture that's "Patriarchal", which is not ALL cultures, but most in the current era. The more gender role beliefs there are in a given community or culture, the more this can be seen.

~It's important to note that "Patriarchal Culture" does NOT mean that ALL boys and men are treated with favoritism or given respect or authority, nor does it mean that ALL girls and women are treated with oppression; it's the GENERAL structure of the culture; in fact in Patriarchal cultures, MANY boys and men are oppressed and bullied as well, by both controller/narcissistic men and women, and controller-women can be bigger oppressors of girls and other women, and in some cases of boys and men as well.
Both male and female Controllers will USE the dynamics of whatever "hierarchy" they happen to live in to control other people.
In Patriarchal cultures, it happens to be easier to assert oppression and control over women, because more people are "in on it", and fewer will protest, or even notice.
That means Controllers, male or female, have an advantage: most of the population is already in collusion that it's "okay" to disrespect, demean, and control individual members of half the population.

Notice that when a girl or woman is ignored, made fun of, condescended to, harassed, criticized, gossiped about, slandered, physically threatened, or ostracized from a clique, it's rare for anyone to stand up for her against the behavior.  But when a boy or man is treated in any of these ways, people will expect him to stand up for himself, and they will often stand up for him.

IN FACT, people will often CRITICIZE a girl or woman for standing up for herself against any of these behaviors, BUT will CRITICIZE a boy or man for NOT standing up for himself against the same exact behaviors.
This alone shows how deep the conditioning goes in most current cultures.

~

A disparity of respectful or disrespectful judgments and assumptions of others is usually at the top of the list of behaviors and perceptions.

For example, in public, if a person is seen with paint all over their clothes, say at the local Home Depot, it is their SEX, first and foremost, that changes others' assumptions about WHY the person is covered in paint. After their sex, they're judged on their size, demeanor, race, and age. (Not on actual information about them.)

If the person covered in paint is a man of any age or race, people will assume he's doing a JOB, and that it's a relatively important job, and that he probably knows what he's doing, he's probably a "pro". ~They will assume "pro" or at least "knowledgeable" about a man even if prejudice is present.
They might be right, but they may also be wrong; they have no way to know either way unless they know the man pretty well, and have actually watched him work for a length of time.

But if the person with paint on their clothes is a woman of any race, most people will likely assume much differently (based on zero information other than her appearance), such as that she must be HELPING a man paint, that it's not her actual "job", that she's been guided by someone else, that she has paint on her clothes because she doesn't really know what she's doing, or that she's TRYING to paint something "on her own". Some might even simply see her as a SLOB because she didn't change before going to the store (even to a paint supply store), or as a "poor person" who doesn't have any other clothes, which they are very UNLIKELY to assume about a man covered in paint.

In fact, many men learn young that if they LOOK LIKE they've been working, due to their appearance (suit and tie OR "work clothes"), that people will treat them with more respect, and so males who have Narcissism or immaturity issues will often purposely dress to appear as if they're in the middle of work, or not change or groom themselves (clean the paint, dirt, or grease off from work) when they go in public, like to an appointment, to lunch, to the bank, etc.
However, people tend only to treat women with "work-respect" if they're "well-groomed", dressed in business-type clothing or obvious uniforms. A female landscaper who goes to the bank during her day with grass, dirt, and sweat stains, and imperfect hair, will just get treated like she's a slob or a crazy person, while her male coworker will get treated with "respect" no matter how he looks.
~Again, still conditioning from childhood: Daddies, Uncles, Grandfathers and other men can have any kind of job and be "important" or at least "respected", but women can only have certain kinds of jobs, so if they're "dirty" or "messy" they must be slovenly, not in the middle of work.
(Conditioned people will do this judgment disparity even if they SEE the woman doing that work.)

Again, it's not the men or boys who are creating this disparity, it's within the minds of those who are doing the judging.

For another example, if a man is working, more people tend to "leave him be so he can concentrate on what he's doing because it's important". But if a woman is working on something, more people tend to try to get her attention IN SPITE of what she's doing, and sometimes they do it BECAUSE she's working on something.
Men are to be "left alone when they're working", as if there's an invisible barrier around them that we are not supposed to cross when they're doing something. But when a woman is working on something, it seems to be an INVITATION to approach her.
This particular behavior is often a direct reflection of a person's childhood home, where "Daddy is working, leave him be", but everyone (often including Dad, unfortunately) interrupts Mom no matter what she's doing, and expects her full attention.
Usually brother and sister are each treated with the same disparity, brother is left alone while he's working, playing, or learning, and sister is frequently and randomly interrupted regardless of what she's doing.

Another common behavior that's related to the last is when a man is doing something, women especially tend to assume that he "knows what he's doing", and is "doing something purposeful", but when a woman is doing something, both women and men seem to feel no qualms about approaching her and trying to CORRECT her, criticize her, insult her, "manage" her, re-direct her, argue with her, or even take over.
In fact, it appears that people are often COMPELLED to approach a woman in order to judge, criticize, "assist", or stop her when they see her doing something or talking about something (anything), as opposed to the way they tend to respect the space and intention of a man when they see him doing something. A man might be offered help in a respectful way, but people tend to treat women like they NEED help, like they don't really know what they're doing or what they're talking about, and as if it's perfectly "okay" to criticize them, ADVISE them, or even physically approach them and "assist them", or take over, without asking permission.
It's a habit of LACK of respect for the PERSON, combined with a feeling of power and false confidence one apparently gets from assuming superiority over another person.

~Of course some men are treated with this sort of disrespect as well on a regular basis, and some women are treated with less of it, and that's usually based on the person's height and/or demeanor.
Those who seem intimidating to a person (male or female) get treated with more "respect", and those who seem non-intimidating get treated with much less. This disparity demonstrates the lack of inner ethics and values in others; they're treating others according to whether the other person seems intimidating or not, not according to inner principles.

* (There are not enough cultures in human groups that have genuine "Matriarchal" hierarchies to make clear comparisons with Patriarchal cultures. Usually "Matriarchal" cultures aren't really fully Matriarchal, with the same power disparity that is commonly seen in Patriarchal cultures; there is usually more shared "power" and respect between the sexes, but there are still often gender roles and allowance of male dominance, at least in Homo Sapiens. likely due to fear of other groups of humans.
In Homo Sapiens, "warriors" are typically treated with admiration or high honors* (see next footnote) because people fear being invaded by other Homo Sapien groups. Humans are an aggressive, bullying, gain-driven species overall, more like Chimpanzees than other primates, and so people naturally fear other groups of humans because they're aware of this at least on a subconscious level; therefore they tend to hold "warrior males" in high esteem, because the more "warrior males" one's group has, the more secure and safe one feels from being invaded by other groups.)

* (In many cultures, "warriors" who are held in higher esteem by some are regarded with contempt or disrespect by others, likely due to feelings of envy.
Resentment of "warrior types" being treated with higher esteem in general is not the same thing as envy toward individual people. One can resent the disparity in the culture without resenting a PERSON who is being put on a pedestal by others.
I can guarantee that most of the people I know would treat a large male professional boxer (or even an amateur male rock musician) much better than they treat me, right off the cuff, without knowing anything about him, but that's not the boxer's fault. HE didn't tweak their inner ethics compass in order for them to adulate him and 'diss' me, THEY are doing that all on their own, with a lot of help from their cultural conditioning.

However the more Narcissism there is in a culture, the more contempt can be seen between different subgroups and "factions", because the people will create cliques out of their differences between one another, and try to control other groups. Envy, self-righteousness, and power struggles are rife in cultures that are loaded with Narcissism, and so "warriors" will either be raised on very high pedestals by some, and disrespected and attacked by others, because everything is seen through dramatic emotional reaction and not through calm, objective observation.
~~~ALSO, in Narcissistic cultures, people are USED and then discarded when they are no longer "useful", which happens to BOTH males and females in the culture. Whatever they were being USED for, when they don't or can't fulfill that use anymore, they are discarded by those who are part of the Narcissism culture.)

What It's Like To Be A Target Of A Narcissist

If you don't know what it feels like to be a Target of a Narcissist, and you want to learn:
(shortcut at bottom of page)

~Ask someone to follow you around all day and randomly sit in your lap whenever they want attention, no matter what you're doing.

~Ask them to climb on your back and ride on you, directing you where to go, while you're walking in the store, at work, or in the park.

~Ask them to go with you to the store and tell you what to buy for yourself, and criticize anything that you pick.

~Have them stand between you and anyone you're trying to speak to.

~Tell them not to respond or reply to anything you say, including direct questions.

~Tell them to change the subject back to themselves any time you talk about anything.

~Ask them to walk in front of you when you're going somewhere,  stand in front of you to block your view of anything you're looking at.

~Ask them to watch, assess, and correct everything you do.

~Tell them that anything at all that you talk about is a request for their advice.

~Explain to them to think of you, see you, and hear you as categorically inferior to them ( in nearly every way), and to treat you as such.

~Explain to them that they are now in charge of you, because they're smarter, stronger, more experienced, and generally better than you (regardless of reality), and to treat you as such.

~Ask them to praise others profusely, comparing them to you, and to give others your money and your stuff.

~Ask them to purposely treat others visibly better than they treat you, and with obviously more respect.

~Tell them to stare at you, and to critique your appearance all the time.

~Tell them to behave only according to their emotions, reactions, and cravings, and not to apply values, respect, or ethics to their behavior.

~Ask them to make a LIST OF RULES for you to live by, according to how they view your sex, ancestry, size, age, and overall appearance.

~Have them follow you around with a magnifying glass, like Sherlock Holmes, critiquing everything you do and say, and have them feel entitled to do so as if they're your personal authority and keeper.

~Ask them to counter or invalidate every thing you say, "No I don't think that's true... No, you shouldn't feel that way....That's not a good restaurant, the one I like is better....You didn't see an eagle, it was probably a hawk...No, it's not going to rain...No, asparagus is very good, you're wrong....No, I didn't notice that he treated you that way, you're exaggerating...No you're wrong, it's like this..."

~Ask them to narrate everything they see, hear, and feel, and announce everything they've done all week, all month, and all year, and everything they're going to do.

~Tell them to interrupt you every time you speak, especially if there are other people present.

~Tell them not to answer when you call them or message them, but to complain that they can't get in touch with you.

~Ask them to make insulting, demeaning remarks about you and to you when others are present.

~Ask them to REDO or rearrange anything and everything that you did, including your own stuff, your own work, and your own appearance, because you didn't do it "right" or "good enough".

~Tell them to threaten you with abandonment, rejection, eviction, disinheritance, ruin, slander, or physical harm every time they feel UPSET with you ~ (whether you did anything wrong or not, and regardless of the triviality of whatever they're upset about).

Or a shortcut:

~Let them boss you around all day long, with you doing literally ONLY what they want you to do, and NOTHING ELSE. This includes food, grooming, clothing, sleep, any activities, work, bill paying, spending, who you talk to and what you say, appointments, speech, emotions, what TV shows you watch, or whether you watch TV, making your bed, the way you make coffee, whether you DRINK coffee or not, the way you walk, etc.
~If you forget and do something that you want or need to do, without their permission, tell them to "punish" you somehow, by giving you the cold shoulder, raging, raging with crying, calling others to tell them you're abusing them, saying or doing something mean to you, threatening to hit you, actually hitting you, not allowing you to eat or sleep, making you lose your job, slandering you to others, or destroying or hiding your stuff.

Do this for at least at least a week straight, with absolutely no interruption or break, and without talking to anyone else about any of it; no outside allies, no support, no "whining" to others.

Controllers Can Only Lead Or Follow

Point of view of a Controller:
Imagine that when you're walking with someone you know, you have to either be in front of them or behind them.
You can not walk beside them.
Not because the path or aisle is too narrow, but because you are not comfortable unless you are Leading the person.
If you are following them, it's either because you see them as an authority figure whom you admire and want to be associated with, OR you don't see them as above but you are "submitting" to their lead grudgingly, resentfully, and only because you can't do something without them; OR, you don't want them to see what you're really doing behind their back, and you don't take their "lead" seriously (you're the 'real' leader).
 
You have to be either the leader or the follower, you don't actually comprehend "cooperation", "companionship", or "equality".

If the other person asks you to please stop following them or leading them and walk beside them, you will take their request as a command, and either follow it because you see them as the Leader, or argue with them for saying it because you see yourself as THEIR Leader.

The only exception to this is when a Controller sees another person as equally awesome and elite as themselves, so they see them as a "buddy" or a "partner". But the joke is on them, because Controllers usually choose other Controllers to be "buddies" with, and it's only a matter of time before the power struggles start to show.

Fake Friends

One of the main differences between a fake friend and a real friend:
real friends defend their friend (spouse, family member) when someone insults them or backstabs them. Fake friends join in, so they can be part of the 'gang'. Real friends sound like~ 'No, he's not 'stupid', actually he's a lot smarter than most people I know. Including you, apparently, if you think he's 'stupid'."
or 'Did you seriously just call her a slut? How old are you, nine? What is your malfunction?'
Fake friends sound like~ 'Yeah she's a flake for sure, you don't know the half of it. Some of the whacked stuff that comes out of her mouth!'
or 'Yeah he's a loser, I only talk to him to be nice. Did you see what he posted?' The reason there's such a big difference is because people who are genuine have real lives and therefore real self-confidence and values. People who are fake are living their lives like they're on a daytime soap, always trying to gain something, or make sure the 'cool people' still like them.

Role Models On TV

Do not use television or film characters as role models for acceptable human behavior, or how adults are supposed to act. It's entertainment, it's dramatized on purpose. The characters are created to be overly dramatic in order to keep it interesting, so people will keep watching. It's the same with any other entertainment medium, including music, news, politics, and obviously sports.

Christianity Is About...

If you think Christianity is about controlling or judging others, or "sending people to hell", you have it completely backwards.
Somebody told you wrong, and you just believed it, apparently.

Huh, sounds a lot like the way people like to believe rumors about people they know.

Anger Vs. Aggression And Power

Anger is an emotion, it's not a behavior.

In a mentally/emotionally healthy person, anger usually occurs when one has been hurt, betrayed, or otherwise violated in some way by another.

The way a person expresses anger is under their own control.

Healthy expression of anger can only occur when a person is not being oppressed and controlled by others.

Anger expression is not the same as aggressive or threatening behavior; they're two different things.

Expression of anger looks like an expression of POWER to those who use it that way themselves, and also sometimes to those who still have trauma issues from past experiences.

When a person is being oppressed by another, or by others, they are often not "allowed" to express their feeling of anger, because anger expression is a PRIVILEGE of STATUS that only those who are in positions of power are free to display.

Literally, because those in such groups equate anger expressions with POWER DISPLAYS.

Therefore, those who see themselves as higher status are the only ones who get to display and express anger, even in a polite way.

~Many who come from dysfunctional groups/families/communities think that anger and aggressive behavior are the same thing.
That's like saying joy and jumping into the air like Snoopy are the same thing, or that fear and screaming at the top of one's lungs like a yodeling banshee are the same thing. Emotion is emotion, and behavior is behavior; one influences the other, but they are two separate things.
One's emotions only directly dictate one's behavior and actions IF one has emotional or mental illness that has not been recovered from or treated, or if one has not been guided in separating their emotions from their behaviors during childhood.
PTSD triggers are not the same as emotions; diving under a table when one sees a weapon, or their ex, is a PTSD triggered behavior, for example, "fight, flight, or freeze". However untreated PTSD can and does cause serious problems both for the sufferer and for those around them, like other disorders do.
While most healthy people don't completely separate their emotions from their behavior, and occasionally let their feelings "run away with them", they do take responsibility for it, and they can control their actions to a relatively high degree, including the way in which they express their feelings of anger.

Weak Like Me

People who identify themselves as being a member of a greater Hierarchy, such as in the larger community and/or a smaller group, tend to identify OTHERS also as fitting into this Hierarchy.

They will project "status" onto others, as well as roles, limitations, and expectations.

Since they believe that the Hierarchy is real, they assume that everyone else also lives within the same beliefs and parameters.

So for example, if they are a woman, and they think women have certain limitations, they will project those limitations onto OTHER women, as well as themselves. If they think that women are secondary in status to men, they will project THAT onto other women also. Whatever "roles" they think women are supposed to play, they will project those expectations onto other women and younger girls.

If and when they see a woman who does not comply with their roles and expectations, they may perceive her to be some kind of "rebel", or "freak", or "deviant". (In other words, if women are physically weak and don't do manual labor or trades in their world, then a woman who is physically strong, or who does manual labor or a trade is a freak, or is being deviant.Or, they may simply dismiss that the woman is capable of those things altogether, as if pretending it isn't so will make it go away.)

Obviously, men who live in the same belief that a Hierarchy exists around them, and that they're a member of it, will also project that onto others, both men and women alike.

If the "hierarchy" has men in higher status positions, it's easy to see why a man would want it to be real. Women often also want it to be real, however, even if the "hierarchy" makes them secondary to men, because that's just what they've always believed to be real.
So they've built their lives and their identities around those beliefs. Letting go of those beliefs may be too frightening and even painful for them.

They don't seem to have any idea that "Hierarchies" are constructs of the human imagination, and will follow along with whatever they perceive to be "how things are" or "how things are supposed to be". They will often try to force this "Hierarchy" onto others, and even try to "discipline" or SHAME those who don't seem to go along with it. Those who don't go along with the status and the hierarchy are actually threats to keeping the fantasy alive, because they're living outside of the parameters, and still quite "alive", sometimes even thriving.

Imaginary social "Hierarchy" such as is often found in communities and other groups has nothing to do with manners or civility, and in fact is a threat to progress, quality of life, and the well-being of people in the group or community.

Each Day Is Precious

Every day of a person's life is as a precious jewel.
There are no days that are less valuable, or less important.
Not illness nor injury nor Age lessens the value of each and every day of a person's life.
As one diamond is precious and so is the next, and so on.
No day of a person's life is worthless, or a waste, or a winding down.

Children know this well; adults often forget as they grow older.
Ask a child about the value of their grandparent's lives.
 

Man Haters

"Being Tough"

If a community, a social living group, of humans is mentally and emotionally healthy, then they would learn "toughness" from doing and learning the tasks that help the group survive and thrive.

If a community is NOT mentally and emotionally healthy, then children would be "made to get tough" in order to deal with the OTHER HUMANS' aggressive and manipulative behavior in the group.

In a healthy community, humans are focused on "dominating" and "conquering" the actual TASKS ahead of them. They may PLAY AT GAMES where they dominate and conquer one another in the game, but that's a FUN activity that's not taken seriously.

In unhealthy communities, there are large amounts of hostility and aggression between the members, because they are NOT WORKING TOGETHER FOR SURVIVAL OR PROGRESS, BUT WORKING AGAINST ONE ANOTHER FOR PERSONAL GAIN AND STATUS.

It has nothing to do with Political ideals, it's about where the FOCUS of the members of the community rests.

"Community" exists where there are a number of humans living in a region. The way they ACT and the atmosphere they CREATE is up to the members of the community.

The more bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths a community has, the more hostile the atmosphere is for ALL of the members. A hostile atmosphere breeds defensiveness and more hostility, and children born into it are immediately thrust into the climate. They grow up trying to fit in somehow, trying to avoid getting hurt and intruded upon.

Basically, if you're not surrounded by a******s, you aren't focused on "being a tough guy".
You're focused on what needs to be done, and who needs help, and what can be done to make it better, better for the future, and that includes "more fun".

If you're not surrounded by a******s, you don't grow up being told that acting like one is FUN, or funny, or cool. Nor do you develop daily habits in speech and image that let others know how "tough" you are so they won't try to dominate you with some kind of bully tactics. 

Trying To Make You Feel Bad

If it seems like some people in your life are trying to make you feel emotion, such as anxious, guilty, self-conscious, worried, sad, angry, hopeless, suspicious, jealous, envious, sympathetic, panicked, AFRAID, humiliated, confused, powerless, or ashamed of yourself, they very well may be doing just that.

Controllers learn young that in order to have control over other people, you first must provoke them to FEEL something, some kind of emotion. Fear works well, but so do lots of other emotions.

Hurling accusations at someone, for instance, especially when they're unfounded, is an attempt to MAKE THEM FEEL SHAME, which is literally painful, and can cause serious anxiety issues, even depression. Shame in itself is not "bad", it's an important feeling that deters destructive behavior in healthy people.
However, most mentally healthy people will feel shame when they are accused of something, REGARDLESS of whether they're guilty or not of whatever they're being accused of.
They will ALSO FEEL HUMILIATED, ESPECIALLY if the accusation is UNTRUE.
They will often also feel ATTACKED, abandoned, or ostracized, especially when the accusation is unfounded.
In other words, it's WORSE emotionally and mentally on a person who is being accused wrongly, especially if they fear that the accuser will be believed by others, and that others will turn on them.

False accusations are usually done purposely by manipulators and Narcissists. You don't hear false accusations (or slander) from non-controllers, genuine friends, or loyal, caring family members, nor do you hear many accusations at all, really, about other people from those folks.
The subconscious learns these things during childhood.
So when someone is throwing around false accusations against us, or judging us negatively, or spreading rumors about us, we KNOW what's really going on unconsciously (we're being attacked, bullied, SET UP) even when the conscious mind is confused.

Narcissists, on the other hand, feel humiliated (and therefore enraged) when they think they've been "caught" doing something wrong that's REAL, or because their IMAGE is being challenged (How DARE you even IMPLY that I would ever do such a thing! Said the thief to the police officer.)

Controllers, especially those with Narcissism (not all Controllers are "Narcissists"), often use the "Double Bind" to gain power over another.

A far too common example:
Lisa is expected to make excellent grades, and if she doesn't, she gets grounded. Lisa is very capable of high grades and Honors.
But whenever Lisa studies at home, she is interrupted with "chores" or "favors" for other people, or with needless noise (on purpose).
If she politely says "I'm studying right now", she gets chastised for being "snappy", "rebelling", or "talking back".
Also, Lisa's siblings and cousins make fun of her for getting good grades and "being smart", for which they do not get punished at all.
Lisa also gets bullied at school for being a "top student", nearly ever day; either with direct aggression or mean social games.
Those schoolmates don't get disciplined for it either, or even stopped, by school faculty.
~The adults in Lisa's life are actually Bullies themselves, still envious children emotionally, and are getting a charge out of letting other kids pick on her. So according to them, anything Lisa does is "wrong". If her grades slip, they call her "lazy" and a "loser". If she concentrates on her studies and gets good grades, she's being "stuck up", a "weirdo", a "loser", and she's supposedly being a "bad person" according to her family members, because she's studying instead of waiting on them.
Every move Lisa makes, someone is there trying to make her feel SHAME, HUMILIATION, FEAR, or ABANDONMENT.
She is in a constant "Double Bind". (Like being told to sit down and stand up at the same time).
The people around Lisa are TRYING to make her feel self-conscious, anxious, worried, left out, and bad about herself and life in general, because they envy her, or are jealous of the special treatment they THINK she is getting (from who???) because of her academic ability. When and if they succeed in their goal of giving Lisa anxiety or depression problems, they will succeed in their REAL goal of making Lisa lose her confidence and self-esteem, and therefore lose her academic performance, and even her ability.
The fact that no one is standing up for her clearly shows the level of control issues, immaturity, and narcissism in the people around her.

Dealing With Bullies And Bully Culture

Unfortunately people with Narcissism, or just a lack of maturity, are all around us. If we ever want to leave the house, or our bedroom in some cases, we are going to have to deal with interacting with them. Being in a detached state of mind can be very helpful, so you're objective and removed from their social signals and games.

Don't look them in the eye very much, and only if you need to for conversation purposes, or to acknowledge them for a reason.
Don't take their tone of voice too seriously, or let it affect you.
Don't take the bait when they are fishing for an emotional response from you.
Expect that they will be condescending, insulting, or sarcastic, and ignore it when they do it.
Don't react, don't take their words personally, whether or not they are obviously trying to provoke you.
Don't engage their attempts at social manipulations, such as: domination displays (staring you down, puffing themselves up, walking into your personal space, gesturing in your face).
Don't react when they talk over you, interrupt you, or raise their voice, just repeat what you were saying originally, and only if you really need to get your message across to them because it's about something important.

Basically, remembering that those who have Narcissism or developmental delays really are not mature enough to "know better". They might be doing a lot of their behaviors on purpose, in order to try to make you smaller, or themselves bigger, but a mature adult wouldn't do that because they would know and understand WHY.

Without the understanding of WHY we treat others with respect, courtesy, care, and manners, the less mature person tends to believe that all those "manners" are either faked, or pointless, or because of weakness or shyness.

A Real Life experience to demonstrate:

A couple of years ago, I was bringing someone to a local hospital for chemo treatments. We were both frankly shocked by the loud, boisterous atmosphere in the chemo area. It might have been a good thing, making it less gloomy, IF the volume level was raised because of good moods from a polite, outgoing staff, but that was not the case. The staff was not just loud, but also rude, both toward one another and toward patients, and companions of patients. It was a "bully" atmosphere, where the louder a person was, the more important they obviously thought they were, and the less respect and courtesy they showed toward others.
After about a half hour of my trying to get someone's attention, and get them to stop talking loudly, OVER me, OVER one another, and acknowledge my presence, I finally raised my voice and got their attention. The person I had brought had been very sick over the weekend, and needed to be examined before being given Chemo, but they didn't want to hear ANYTHING from anyone but themselves, so they nearly started him on a heavy duty Chemo drip before giving him a more thorough exam. If I hadn't been there, he could have died that day, he was completely dehydrated; after a doctor finally examined him, they rushed fluid and a blood transfusion to him, and admitted him to an inpatient room.
The next day I visited; he was groggy and unsure of what was supposed to happen. I went to the nurse's station and asked them what what planned for him, and what his status was, and explained that he was unsure and groggy. The response I received practically blew the skin off of my face, "HE KNOWS WHAT THE SCHEDULE IS AND WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" the nurse SNARLED into my face. Since the person was a close relative of mine, I was already very upset and that was the last straw for me, I shouted back at the Nurse, and demanded to see the Supervising Nurse on the floor. Eventually she visited the room and asked what was wrong (she seemed calm and polite), so I explained what was going on; she apologized, and said she would speak to them and pay closer attention. After a short while, another Nurse came into the room and apologized for the general rudeness, but then tried to put the blame on ME, saying "You make yourself small". Frankly I was stunned, but after a few minutes I realized what I was dealing with; the entire hospital had adapted a CULTURE of bully behavior and status-displays. There were enough bullies and immature staff members to actually influence nearly the entire staff to accept this sort of behavior, and even make it the "NORM". Those staff members who did not fit in, who maintained their civility, manners, and respect for others and for patients, were treated with disrespect and disdain.

More than once, I witnessed arguments between staff about who did what, who forgot what, what kind of medicine a patient was supposed to get, what the schedule was, and who was "supposed to" be doing something. This behavior was both in the Chemo area, and in the inpatient areas of the hospital.

The defensiveness of the staff both toward each other and toward the patients belied their insecurity and lack of competence and skill, and also their desire to be on the GIVING END of the Bullying instead of on the RECEIVING END.
In a Bully Culture, it's bully or get bullied.

The entire time I was there with my relative, I saw only ONE Nurse or Nurse assistant who knew how to do proper bed changing and proper patient lifting. (Of course they would assume that I didn't know how, after all I'm short...oh yeah and I make myself small...so therefore I must be shy and intimidated by them, and by their importance...)
I suspected that the nurse who was skilled in lifting and changing patients had worked somewhere else before this job, and I was right; she had previously worked in a couple of nursing homes. She was competent, and she had MANNERS and CIVILITY, because she had confidence in her skills and ability, and also in herself, apparently.

Because of her manners and courteous disposition, I was able to COMMUNICATE with her about my relative's condition, and his needs and wants, and she was able to COMMUNICATE with me, instead of trying to bark statements at me, boss me around, talking over me, "correcting" me, or avoiding me "catching her" not doing her job.

Further along, I found out from an orderly that the hospital had done several local recruitments for employees, and trained those employees on site. So the CULTURE that so many bullies in the hospital were cultivating was being projected directly onto new recruits during their job-training. Also, it's a teaching hospital, so interns were all getting the same "cultural conditioning".

I would have liked to see my relative go to a different hospital, but he didn't want to change, and was worried about his insurance. So that was beyond my control.

Word Meanings, Interpretation, And Status

Words and terms we use every day are interpreted differently by different people, even in the same community or family.
For instance the word "Listen" often means one thing by the speaker, but the listener hears something completely different.

"Why won't you LISTEN to me" says Marie, and she means "hear me when I am talking, hear what I'm saying, try to comprehend my meaning, care enough about me to hear my words and my meaning"

But Jeffrey THINKS that Marie means "Do what I say" when she uses the word "listen", because he does not have a broader definition of the word. He hears the sentence "Listen to me" to mean "Do what I say", or "Believe what I say", as if he is a child and the person speaking is an adult who is chastising him. Jeffrey did not learn the other meanings of the phrase "listen to me", so every time Marie says it, he thinks she's trying to tell him what to do.

This communication conundrum causes a serious loop in communication. If Marie tries to explain to Jeffrey what she means when she says "Listen to me", he will STILL think she's trying to boss him around, or trying to "change him".

Jeffrey is still in his childhood mentally and emotionally; he perceives that when a person is trying to explain something they need, or their feelings, or what they want, or even a different point of view, that they're trying to MAKE HIM DO something, or MAKE HIM BELIEVE something.

Jeffrey has this perception all the time. When he is listening to someone speak whom he sees as a "deserving" authority figure, he does not "rebel". He "does what he's told", and he thinks that whatever the person is saying is basically correct, so he can believe it. Or whenever the person sounds like they're giving instructions, Jeffrey will just follow the instructions without "rebelling" or questioning, and he won't feel OFFENDED that they're "trying to tell him what to do", or "trying to change him".

But when someone who he does not consider to be a "deserving authority figure" says "Listen to me", or expresses their point of view, their feelings, or their opinions, Jeffrey takes it as an OFFENSE. This is a person who he has not deemed as higher status than himself, and therefore should not be "telling him what to do" or "telling him what to feel or think".

Unfortunately for those around Jeffrey, he thinks they're doing that all the time, every time they try to express anything at all, anytime they express upset, every time they disagree with him, and every time they have a different point of view. Jeffrey thinks they're trying to control him even when they invite him to do something or go somewhere, or when they ask him to go to a movie or play a game, or join them for a meal.

Jeffrey DID grow up with some extremely controlling people in his life that WERE constantly bossing him and disrespecting him, but unfortunately for him, he did not heal from these controlling relationships. He's now pathologically defensive toward anyone whom he has not deemed as "higher status" than himself, which means ONLY a person who he has deemed "higher status" could ever help him to get past his issues, because he literally can not, will not, hear anyone else, or even make a genuine connection with them.

Reaching Enlightenment

"Enlightenment" is not becoming some kind of Guru or Advanced Spiritual Being.
It's the realization that we are not nearly as awful, stupid, or terrible as we think we are, nor are we as perfect, tough, innocent, smart, experienced or wise as we think we are.

It's realizing that the path we've been walking on, and the things we believed to be absolute, aren't necessarily all there is.
It's realizing that what we think we see and what we think we know is not necessarily correct, true, or the whole picture.
That we humans are filled with biases, prejudices, and beliefs that cloud our perception, the way we see the world, other people, and ourselves, every single day.

That we tend to follow and believe only certain kinds of people who we "look up to", based on our own internal biases, and that we ignore and dismiss other people also based on our own internal biases, not based in logical or scientific assessment.

That we tend to try to make other people smaller when we feel intimidated or envious of them.
That we do not own, possess, or have any right to have control over other adult human beings in our life, or over their possessions, their other relationships, or their movements, decisions, or feelings, regardless of the body they were born in, or the body that we were born in, or our own feelings.

That we have habits of thought, feeling, behavior, and belief that we don't double-check, that we don't question, that we keep doing because they're comfortable, and because they fit in with others.

It's realizing that our ego often holds us back from living a better life and having  better relationships.

It's realizing that we humans often fight, argue with, disrespect, and diminish other human beings who we really should be supporting, treating with care, and listening to what they have to say.
That dramatic human interaction is created by humans, always, and usually by the most aggressive or arrogant person in a group; usually by the one who is adamantly denying blame, or the one who wants to be right, or the one who wants to be in charge.

It's realizing that we don't actually already know who is smarter, more experienced, or wiser.
That our emotions and opinions are not facts, and do not represent objective reality, regardless of who or what we are, or who we think we are.

That no one human being knows everything, or can teach you everything.
That even the greatest human teacher will be wrong sometimes, if not often, and that it should be expected when it happens, with grace.


That improvement, growth, and change always begins with ourselves, not with trying to change others.

That we really know and understand very little, both as individuals, and as a species.

That believing one's self to have reached Enlightenment and become superior to other human beings means that one has only just begun on their journey. 

"Enlightenment" is not found at the top of the mountain, nor does it  end there, nor does anyone graduate. 
It's found all along the climbing path, from the bottom and going up to the top, coming back down, and going up again, and coming back down again, and so on, and so on. It's found in the villages at the bottom of the mountain, and it's found at the peak. It's found in the lands far beyond the mountain. It's found in the trees and the rocks and the streams that are on the sides of the mountain, and in the animals and the birds, and their song. It's in the rain that falls on those who are on the climbing path, and in the sun that warms their faces. It's in the cold nights, in the bright stars, and in the grey clouds. It's inside of one's own heart, mind, and soul, and in every single person we ever meet. It's everywhere, all around us, all the time.

Leaders Vs. Control Freaks

Being a "good leader" or a "leader type" is not the same thing as having control issues or being a Narcissist.
Most people like it when someone is around who's a good leader type. They have a knack for helping others achieve their potential, for organizing projects and goals with the talents and abilities of other people, for getting different kinds of personalities to work together, and for leading others in going places and getting things done.

A lot of people have skills, abilities, and talent, but really appreciate someone else who's talent and abilities happen to include dealing with difficult people, getting others to work together (or work at all), getting others to behave respectfully and cooperate in a work group or project, getting everyone involved to focus on the goal, and simply helping to figure out what the best next step or direction is.

A Good Leader is a person who has these abilities and is also respectful toward other people, respectful of who others really are and is appreciative of their abilities, who does not try to diminish others, and who knows the difference between "leadership" and "superiority".

If the person is getting a "high" from bossing others and being in control, then it's likely their "leadership skills" are not very good, because they're actually just "leading" in order to get a fix, not to accomplish anything. They will likely sabotage anyone who seems like a threat to their leadership position or image, because that would be a threat to getting their fix.


If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they're not a "leader type", they may approach the person and want to know about them, want to hear their point of view, and want to assist them in whatever their doing, or help them, or recruit them for a project. But they will NOT condescend to the person, judge the person as an "inferior", give the person unsolicited 'advice" or criticism, or try to "prove" to the person that they are stronger or smarter.

If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they ARE another "leader type", they may approach the person and perhaps want to talk to them, work with them, hear their point of view, and learn about their projects and goals. But they will NOT feel "challenged" by the person, feel envious, or try to diminish the person or "prove" that they are the "top dog". They will also NOT try to take over the person's projects or groups, or sabotage them.

A Controller, on the other hand, will likely do the opposite of what a "good Leader" would do in response to the social cues from others. For example if they pick up "shy" or even "polite" social signals, they are likely to see the person as either a "nothing", or as a potential Target (prey, mark, servant, sidekick).
If they pick up social signals that indicate a "Leader type" person, they are likely to either kiss up to the person in order to be associated with them and get in their good graces, or they will try to diminish the person and "knock them down".

The behavior of a "Controller" can be compared to many social animals who have a group leader, when less mature animals try to challenge the leader all the time, and try to prove dominance toward other members of the group with aggressive displays..If an individual goes too far with these behaviors, or displays them too often, they can be driven away and "exiled" from the group because their behaviors are destructive to the  group's safety and well-being.

A good Leader, human or non-human, can be a boon to individuals and to larger groups.
A "Controller" can be something of a headache instead, or worse, all the way to being a nightmare of destruction for other individuals, to projects, businesses, groups and communities, and even nations.

A really good Leader will recognize Controllers in their midst, and not only stand up to them, but help protect others from them as well.

Projecting "Weakness" Onto Others

Both men and women who have Narcissism tend to project weakness onto females and smaller males.

They may project physical weakness, emotional weakness, mental weakness, character weakness, or lack of worldly "power", depending on what they think will "work" on an individual, and what their own ego-identity issues are.

So they might keep implying that a woman they know is physically fragile, weak, or delicate, or that she is fearful and insecure.
They'll do this especially if they're worried that she's NONE of these things. They will often imply it to other people when the woman is absent, or they might imply it about her in her presence, or even right to her face.

If they want her to be physically weak or incapable, they'll just keep SAYING and doing things that imply it, apparently hoping it will come true eventually. So for example when she goes to lift something, they might run over and make a big deal out of helping her, or they might take it right out of her hands. Or if there is something that needs to be done, they might make a big show about getting someone else to do it because it's "So hard" or "too heavy" or "too difficult" for her.

A Narcissist will do similar things when they wish another to have other kinds of weaknesses as well, such as always giving them "constructive criticism" about something they do, especially something they're good at, or about their appearance.
(Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists who have Narcissism can be especially dangerous with this kind of behavior, because they'll keep implying that a patient's judgment is "off", or that their emotional reactions are not really quite normal, or that they don't UNDERSTAND much about their own mental health, or that of others around them, or of human mental health and behavior in general.
Teachers with Narcissism will also often give skewed feedback to a good student, trying to make the student believe that he or she has not made much progress, or that they're not grasping the material, or that they're not very capable of learning the material.)

The stronger a Target actually is, in any way, shape or form, the more the Narcissist will probably try to diminish them.

On the flip side of this same coin, both male and female Narcissists often project OAFISHNESS onto physically larger people; both adults and children. The implication is that they aren't very bright, that they're clutzy, or that they're ignorant or naive. One can observe that young people who are bullies tend to target either SMALLER children OR LARGER children, and if they don't mature past their envy and domination issues, they'll carry it with them into adulthood.

Obviously this is ALSO an attempt to DIMINISH the person, because their very size alone intimidates the Narcissist and likely causes envy, since humans in general tend to automatically treat taller people with more respect than smaller people.

Those who have Narcissism and who are average height seem to display this sort of behavior (height and size envy, diminishing, and projection) more than taller or shorter people who have Narcissism.