Designating Value, Capability, And Destiny

A typical Narcissist behavior is designating "value" and "capability" onto others in one's family and community circles, and trying to assign various DESTINIES according to a person's "value".

The N. aunt who went to Harvard encourages her niece not to go to Harvard like herself, but to a small community college near her house.

The N parent who owns a grand old Cape house with several acres keeps talking to their child about getting a cheap apartment in a run down building.

The N uncle constantly shows off his boats and cars, and says things to the young people in the family like "Bet you wish you could have something like this someday, huh?"

The N parents go on expensive vacations by themselves, but "can't afford" to take the kids to the beach, or to Theme Parks, or skiing locally, etc.

The N. music teacher puts one child up on a pedestal and makes them their "star student", mentoring them and giving them extra attention, and ignores another student who has just as much, if not more talent and potential as the "star student", because the teacher doesn't really "take a shine" to the pupil.

The young person who's goal is to become a software designer is told by N. family and community that they'd be "better off going for something simpler and less difficult".

The woman who is interested in building and developing is told by N. family and community that she "should be looking into something less overwhelming and difficult". (i.e. kindergarten teacher, homemaker)

The man who is interested in child psychology is told by N. family and community that he "should be looking into something that makes more money and has a real future". (i.e. stockbroker, racecar mechanic)

Forgiveness, Understanding And Compassion Toward An Abusive Person

Forgiveness, understanding, and compassion are part of recovery for the SELF, and if there are children involved and other family members, for their well-being and mental and emotional health.

Forgiveness, understand and compassion have NOTHING TO DO WITH ALLOWING ABUSE, OR SYMPATHIZING WITH AN ABUSER, OR ENABLING ABUSE.
(You don't let a vicious dog sleep in your bed or your kid's bedroom, or even in your house, even if the dog is vicious because he or she has been abused. You would only do that to yourself if you have unhealthy boundaries, or to your child if you're a Narcissist.)

WIthholding forgiveness, understanding and compassion does nothing to a narcissistic abuser, they couldn't care less, they WANT their targets to withhold those things, because it makes them feel like they're AFFECTING the target, and weakening the target.
Withholding them on purpose because one wants to use them as a weapon is just about control and retaliation, which hinder recovery.

Narcissists carry mental and emotional weapons around against other people 24/7 because they feel compelled to; they can't put them down no matter how heavy they get. 
NON-narcissists have the blessing of being able to choose NOT to carry mental and emotional weapons with them, and can put them down whenever they choose. 

I Say Jump You Say How High! Authority Image Issues

Trying to be one of the "authority people" like a parent, a teacher, a law or court officer, upper management, tough-gang-member, mafioso, etc., and wanting to be SEEN as a such an "authority person" can be seen commonly in children when the ego/self is developing.

("When I walk into a room, everyone is aware of my presence.
When I speak, everyone listens to me because they know I'm important. What I say goes, what I say is law. When I speak, animals listen, children obey, and adults who fear me obey. If they don't obey me, I want to punish them.")

When this developmental stage is not grown out of, it can look like Narcissism, and can feed an individual's Narcissistic or abusive issues.

When a person who has this authority issue does have a job that gives them some type of authority, or for example is a member of a bike club that non-members typically think of as "tough", they aren't just DOING THE JOB, or BEING IN THE CLUB. They are PLAYING A ROLE, PLAYING A CHARACTER.

When a person with this issue DOES NOT respond to the image they're trying to create of "authority", (I say jump, you say how high) they will usually react with ANGER.
(You're supposed to be afraid of me, or be in great admiration of me, and you're supposed to do what I say... you're not doing it right!)

ONLY MEN ARE ALLOWED TO SWEAR

Just a reminder: ONLY BOYS AND MEN are allowed to cuss and use the "f" word, because it indicates dominance and bad-assness.

Girls and women are NOT allowed to ever use them, or risk SOCIAL REJECTION..

But it's perfectly okay for men to use them whenever the HELL they feel like it, in any situation, in front of anyone and TO anyone, including children and elderly people, because it shows that they're TOUGH.

(Apparently one must show that they're "tough" or else no one will believe it.)

ALSO. Men are allowed to use cusswords, name-calling, and snotty language AT women and girls, however women and girls are NOT allowed to say the same words or language, or use the same tone BACK.

Who made these "rules"? I guess it was the AIR, or the SUN, or the UNIVERSE, or maybe it was the turtle in the pond at the end of the street, because no one seems to want to take responsibility for them.

These rules are directly related to the rules about only boys and men being allowed to openly express their views, opinions, and emotions such as anger or frustration, or physical pain.

DON'T FORGET!  THESE ARE RULES!
FROM WHERE? WHO CARES? WHO KNOWS? .

Using Aggression To "Get Things Done"

A habit of using aggression, hostility, threats, and dramatic displays does NOT "get things done" unless you're dealing with other people who are also drama kings and queens and control freaks with entitlement issues. Those people are disordered or mentally ill, that's why they only respond to fear of aggressive or larger people, or male voices.

If you treat a respectful, intelligent person with HISTRIONICS and MONKEY DOMINATION DISPLAYS in order to "get them to do what you need them to do", or to "make them respect you", all that's going to 'get done" is that you are going to lose their respect, they will STOP taking you seriously. Probably avoid you as much as possible. Go act like a Silverback Gorilla with the other gorillas, but you're a fool if you're a grown adult acting like a hostile 'tough" MONKEY at actual thinking human beings. It doesn't make you look tough or bad-ass, it just makes you look like you have some kind of issue.

Women Need "Extra Services"

A lot of people think of "normal regular basic simple person" as being a male, and that females have all these EXTRA things... extra maintenance, extra wants, extra needs, extra little girly issues...
The reason they think that is because they were taught that when they were little kids, and they never questioned it.
Newsflash: BOTH Females and Males are "normal human", whatever they happen to be like.

There are people who like to have a lot of things and do a lot of things, and it has ZERO to do with their gender. There are people who don't care much about stuff or image, and that has ZERO to do with gender as well. PEOPLE are not GENDERS, they are humans who happen to be either male or female.

If you don't know that, you've been brainwashed to think of all the extra toys and playthings and vacations and games and tickets and clothes and cars and gadgets and snacks and drinks and equipment and maintenance that ONE sex gets for themselves are "important" and "needed", and anything that the other sex gets or wants is "silly" or "unnecessary". (This kind of thinking is called "dysfunctional")

Ridiculous Gender Brainwashing

Stop treating daughters like they're little fragile butterflies who can't do anything, who are not SUPPOSED TO DO anything that requires any kind of strength or intelligence or fine skills, and like they're ALL AFRAID OF EVERYTHING, and like they're ALL SUPER HIGH MAINTENANCE AND ARE A PAIN IN THE A**.
It's really sad how people will treat their sweet little boys who need to grow and learn in a SAFE and NORMAL way like they're freaking adults who need to "MAN UP" every FIVE SECONDS in order tp prove their "worth" to people who SHOULD BE valuing them as PEOPLE, as the CHILDREN that they are, and guiding them in a REAL WAY, not to become some kind of TELEVISION CHARACTER.
And then turn around and do the same thing with their sweet little girls who need to grow and learn in a SAFE and NORMAL way, not get treated like they're ALWAYS doing something "WRONG", like they're WEAK, FRAGILE, STUPID, and can't POSSIBLY have the same interests, emotions, needs, or wants that a little boy would have.
Taking one child and dressing him in a Pro Wrestler or a Soldier outfit, or a President Of The Bank outfit (make sure it's BLUE) and telling him he needs to PROVE that he's a "MAN" by acting like an aggressive baboon the minute he comes out of the womb.  
Sick world.
Taking one child and dressing her in a cheap tutu or a Model and Makeup outfit, or a Betty Homemaker outfit (make sure it's PINK) and telling her she needs to PROVE that she's a "GOOD WOMAN" by cowtowing to everyone around her, never standing up to anyone else, ONLY doing the specific things she's told to do or be interested in... never "complaining" about anything that happens to her no matter how terrible, never being "funny" or doing well in school or being good at anything specific (because it might make someone else feel bad....>>>>).
Teaching them BOTH that the "other sex" is a different SPECIES, and that they're NOTHING ALIKE.
Teaching them BOTH that it's okay for one sex to treat the other one with condescension and disrespect and bullying, and boss them around, and expect to be given EXTRA respect by the other, in spite of the fact that they're not GIVING EXTRA respect, or even normal respect.
This gets internalized and normalized until all the kids buy into it, and carry it with them into adulthood, tragically.

Primate Domination Displays: Hostile Behavior In Humans

DID YOU KNOW that a lot of people who have racism and sexism issues, or other bigotry or us vs. them issues such as "hating" anyone who doesn't have the same beliefs or political views, are just trying to make themselves appear TOUGH and "BAD-ASS"? When a person keeps trying to display hostility, they are trying to show dominance. Chimpanzees do this all the time but don't try to hide it. Humans do it all the time and try to rationalize that they're doing something else. It's exactly the same display, but humans have a couple more tools such as language and machinery that makes loud noises or are big and dangerous, and also of course sophisticated weapons. Chimps mostly use vocalizations and their bodies, sometimes sticks or rocks.

Can You Hear Other People Speak?

In order to hear what another is actually saying, one must stop talking. But one must also stop assuming they already know what the other person is saying before they actually hear it. They not only need to keep their mouth shut when listening to another person, but they need to also shut up their thoughts that are drowning the other person's words out.

If I think I know what you're going to say before you say it, or know what you're thinking because I think I "know you so well", then I'm making assumptions INSTEAD OF listening or hearing. 

You might say "It's so beautiful today, I think I'm going to walk down to the lake. Do you want to come?" 

What did I HEAR you say... if I admire you and want your attention, I might hear something more like "One of the things I like to do is take a walk by the lake on a beautiful day, it helps to center my thoughts and spirit, and helps me to stay as great and wonderful as I am. Usually I go alone, but I would like to invite you  to accompany me on my lovely meditative journey."

OR, if I resent you or ENVY you, if I WANT to hear you in a negative "light", I might hear something like "I don't feel like doing any work, again, I'm trying to avoid doing work and avoid your requests for helping you do your work, you're such a hard worker and I'm a lazy spoiled brat... so I'm going to go down by the lake and play around instead of doing anything responsible... if you come with me then you can't blame me for not doing any work because you'll be with me. So.. wanna come?"

OR, if I'm looking down my nose at you, like I'm above you somehow, I might hear "I'm going down to the lake to do something shameful and bad, or something stupid or whacko, or something that will get me dirty and waste time, or that's dangerous, and probably hang out with a bunch of bad people. Wanna come?"

OR if I think you don't like ME, whether it's true or not, I might hear "I'm going down to the lake, and I'm only inviting you to be polite, I don't really want you to come, so stay here and leave me alone, you're not wanted."

OR if I think you're "cool" and "tough" and I want your attention and approval, I might hear "Hey I'm headed down to the lake to do ...(insert activity here, whatever is supposed to be "cool" to the listener... hunting.. going on a power boat... going sailboarding... looking for the opposite sex...doing drugs or drinking...going to the beach...etc.etc.)...  YOU IN?"

All of these different version of what the other person ACTUALLY SAID were in the LISTENER'S MIND, it's not what came out of the SPEAKER'S MOUTH.
"It's so beautiful today, I think I'm going to walk down to the lake. Do you want to come?"
 
People do this all the time with other people. They don't LISTEN and HEAR what other people are ACTUALLY TRYING TO COMMUNICATE TO THEM, because they think they already KNOW what the person is thinking, feeling, planning, remembering, and saying, based on the picture they created in their heads of that person, usually fraught with biases, emotions, judgments, and false assumptions.

In order to hear others speak, we have to clear our mind clutter so we stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, and keep our mouths shut while they're talking. Then when they finish speaking, ask questions to understand more, instead of just inserting our own views, opinions, emotions, judgments, and advice.

Respecting Other's Points Of View

I very much respect those who are outspoken about they're own point of view, what they see, what they've witnessed, what they've experienced and what they've learned. If it's completely different from my own POV and experience, I enjoy hearing what they've seen that I have not, and can learn from listening to them about things I can't know about from my own experiences.

However if they don't respect me in the same way, that's another story.
I will still defend their right to speak and have their own point of view, and respect them as a living, breathing person, and care about their health, and well-being. But continuing to respect them as a thinking, responsible, clear-headed individual might be off the table; they're filtering everything through their ego and personal issues, and not their intellect.

One's Reflection Is In A Mirror, Not A Magnifying Glass

The mirror is where reflection takes place. One can't see themselves through a magnifying glass, or a scope, that's pointed at others.

The EGO Can Hate, The Intellect Does Not

The EGO is capable of hate and side-taking, and gets a rush out of it.

The INTELLECT has no use for them.

Hate and self-righteousness block clear, rational thought, and are only good for creating an adrenaline rush that gives a human the illusion of power and superiority. (Good for hunting large prey that would kill you if you didn't have a weapon, good for defending against psycho human invaders.)

A person who hates, resents, and "takes sides" is using a different part of the brain than the parts needed for logical and critical thinking.

Hate and resentment also block out care for others, empathy, and self-respect.

Ego And Control

The ego is the number one important thing in a Controller or Narcissist's life.
This is clearly demonstrated in how they will often attack, despise, or shun one person for simply not recognizing their "power", "toughness", or self-claimed "authority", or for refusing to give them extra sympathy, extra leniency, or extra recognition (NOT equal with what they would GIVE to another, especially the person they expect it from, but MORE, EXTRA)-,
but they will often LOOK THE OTHER WAY when someone does something criminal, violent, or terrible, especially when it was done to someone else. 

Controllers and Narcissists don't necessarily react negatively to others for terrible acts, even when those acts are done to those in their personal life, such as a family member, partner, friend, neighbor or coworker.

But they will often viciously "turn on" anyone who challenges or pricks their ego, either purposely or inadvertently, including those who are supposedly "close" to them, who they claim to "care about". 

They WILL however often pour out recognition, sympathy and even help for people they DON'T KNOW, while ignoring, demeaning, and turning on those in their personal life, no matter what happens to them, and no matter what they do or accomplish.

It's all about protecting the ego, self-preservation, feeling in-control, feeling superior and dominant, and building and maintaining image.

One Day "Love", Next Day "Hate". One Day "Friend", Next Day "Enemy". One Day "Welcomed", Next Day "Shunned"

"Devaluing" is the act or perception of just what it sounds like, removing value from a person or object.
The person or object was considered valuable before, but now the person or object is considered by the viewer as having less value and worth.

The DEVALUED (targeted) person is typically rejected, discarded, "shunned", or attacked, and in some cases even attacked with the intention of destroying either their reputation, their life, relationships, career, family, home, finances, or their physical body.

(The diamond was considered priceless, but on closer inspection it was found to have less clarity and more flaws than previously thought, so it was devalued.)

devaluing

  de·val·ue

[dee-val-yoo] 

verb (used with object), de·val·ued, de·val·u·ing.

1. to deprive of value; reduce the value of.

2. to fix a lower value on (a currency).

verb (used without object), de·val·ued, de·val·u·ing. 3. to undergo devaluation: The currency has devalued at a rapid rate
Most times when one person DEVALUES another, it's not because the targeted person has done something terrible or heinous, such as stealing or physical attack, or even lying or betrayal.
It's more often than not that they've done something that anyone else would consider quite normal, every day human behavior such as wanting to have a conversation about something specific, or playing cards, telling jokes, dressing up, being polite to others, expressing one's point of view, fixing or building things, caring for plants, hiking, caring for animals, disagreeing in a conversation, going to school, etc  ~~~  OR nothing at all,
~~~  OR some kind of trivial slight that others might have barely noticed (forgot to put the bike in the garage so it got rained on, forgot to return the borrowed drill, forgot to pay back a small borrowed amount of money, forgot to put the trash out
~~~ but most frequently, it was something that tweaked the EGO of the devaluer, such as standing up for one's self against manipulation, rudeness, unfairness, disrespect, or abusiveness, or standing up for someone else, or "catching" the devaluer doing something "wrong".
~Or, NOT giving the devaluer something they want, something they expect, something they demand, that's outside of the parameters of what one expects in a healthy relationship, such as extra recognition, extra privilege, extra leniency, extra 'understanding', extra control, extra resources, extra help, or extra praise above and beyond what someone is able, and above and beyond what the devaluer would ever do for the other person.

Sometimes a devaluer will target another person because they noticed some kind of physical "flaw", such as a missing tooth, or crooked or unbleached teeth, or a lazy eye, a receding hairline, a body that doesn't look like TV, movie, or magazine characters', grey hair, short or long hair, thinness, heaviness, shortness, tallness, darker or lighter skin, frizzy hair, etc. etc. ad infinitum. They may target another person for devaluation because of illness, injury, or disability, or because of their age.

Sometimes a devaluer will target a person's job, or lack of a job, or career goals, or where they live, or their car (or lack thereof).
 
Legitimate "devaluation" is done only to inanimate objects, for example a car loses its value over time except in cases of certain "classics", and most other objects lose their value with wear and age. For a gem to be devalued would mean that it was previously thought to have less flaws, or perhaps a certain history (such as being a part of a royal crown), but it was found out to be not so clear or well-cut, or to not have any kind of special story. Computers usually lose their value the minute they're taken out of the box. Gold's value is based on the "market value" per ounce, as is silver, and it can go up or down according to many variables, AND it's only valued that way because humans decided that it was valuable.


The popular act of placing monetary value on animals has been going on for a very long time, and is directly related to ownership over animals. That which is not owned does not have financial value. So animals are often "valued" by whatever it is the buyers and sellers want to use the animal for, and also how rare, unique, or hard to acquire the animal is, just like inanimate objects.

Since animals are living beings, the practice of owning animals tends to blur the line for many humans between owning objects and owning people, and therefore valuing or devaluing them.

 ~
One does not value or devalue something unless they see it as an object that can be acquired or owned, even if the perception is only subconscious. Therefore those who devalue other humans see them as something that can be acquired and owned; an object, a thing, not a "PERSON" that can not be measured in "value", but who is a living being like themselves, OUTSIDE of the definition of an ownable object that can be weighed and measured by another. 

So when a person suddenly treats another person like they're NOT AS GOOD, UNWORTHY, NOT VALUABLE, NOT WORTHY OF THEM, they are most likely viewing the person more like an object and less like a person, a fellow human being.

They may SAY that they are not doing that, but the fact is that DEVALUATION directly implies that the object in question is an object, because an object can be owned and therefore assigned value, and then either kept or discarded; not a person, who cannot be owned (rightfully) and therefore cannot be valued or devalued.

(Only those with serious sociopathy (mental illness) conspire to buy or sell human beings, which is called "slavery". Of course many children grow up seeing this as part of their culture, so they may think it's normal when they grow up. However a self-aware human being would eventually be able to realize that the "slaves" around them are human people, just like themselves, and after this realization, they are making a conscious choice to participate or not).

~
Typical "devaluation", however, is done more within the parameters of social interaction and relationships, especially in Western cultures and other Free countries, although human trafficking does occur in those cultures to a disturbing degree, kept "under wraps".
~

Devaluing another human being whom one is in a personal relationship with, or whom one knows personally, is a symptom of some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. Not only because of the practice of viewing a human being as an object that can be "valued" or "devalued", but also because of the perception problem that goes with the act of devaluation: "Black and White Thinking".

The person is seeing people and the world in "black and white" terms, without the ability to deal with or comprehend anything in between. Something is either "Right" or "Wrong", or "Good" or "Bad", and so are PEOPLE in their minds.
~They are not able to deal with variables, changing circumstances, or human personalities, emotions, needs, or with interaction with others that does not go as they expect or want.
~They may not be able to deal with the fact that stereotypes are not real, and may actually see a person who doesn't fulfill the stereotype that they LOOK LIKE as being "wrong" or "bad" (like a male hairdresser, kindergarten teacher, nurse, or botanist, or a female engineer, carpenter, politician, or boxer).
~They may not understand that there is more information that they don't know about, and they may not be able to fathom that they might not comprehend what they see or hear.

They don't understand VARIABLES, OR the fact that OTHER people besides themselves have real lives, real emotions like them, real life experiences including traumas, real needs like they do, deserve the same respect and UNDERSTANDING as they do or anyone else does as a human being, and are just as important as they are, or as anyone else. (What kind of illness or disorder they may have would need to be determined via an extensive evaluation; it could be a serious condition requiring lifetime treatment, or it could be an effect of something else less permanent and more prone to healing such as trauma or developmental delay.)
 
They tend to want people to be either ONE THING or THE OTHER: that is,
"Perfect" or "Defective",
"Righteous" or "Unclean",
"All Knowing Experts" or "Completely Clueless",
"Important" or "Insignificant",
"Right" or "Wrong",
"Genius" or "Stupid/Ignorant",
"Worldly-Street Wise" or "Sheltered/Ignorant",
"Clever" or "Slow"
"Superior" or "Inferior"
"Beautiful" or "Unattractive"
"Strong" or "Weak".
"Completely Sane" or "Unstable/Crazy"
"Enlightened" or "Utterly 'asleep'"
"Good" or "Bad"
"Morally Good" or "A Bad Person"
"Fully Aware" or "Completely Unaware"
"Positive" or "Negative"
"A Happy Person" or "A Whiny Person"

They also tend to categorize themselves in the POSITIVE category, in other words they would always be one of the "Enlightened" people but not one of the "Asleep" people, or one of the "Righteous" people but not one of the "Unclean" people.

(The only time they would switch from being the "best" to the "worst" is when they think it will make them look cool, or get them out of some kind of blame.)

Those who devalue others will treat a person one day as if they are for all the world a good friend, or their great love, or a respected coworker or boss, or a beloved family member, or a client or patient whom they care about and respect, or as if they care for, like, and admire them.
Then for some reason often completely unknown to the targeted person, or something they did see but could not have expected such a severe reaction having to do with the devaluers inner world; emotional issues, past, or ego. Or in the case of a person with Narcissism for example, he or she may simply "discard" a person because they don't find them "useful" anymore, in the way one would throw away a jar of jelly when there is no jelly left.

Those who devalue others see the world in "black and white", so the people they interact with are either useful or not useful; "good" or "bad"; "great" or "inferior", "winners" or "losers", etc. When they are valuing a person as useful, good, great, or a winner, they tend to treat them with some measure of respect or even care; when they have any ill feelings toward the person, or just a lack of interest or admiration, they devalue the person, so the "good person" becomes a "bad person" overnight in their mind.

Many have also learned to USE this behavior as a way to control and manipulate others, because of the way people tend to REACT to being devalued and discarded. Most people become confused, hurt, upset, and suffer feelings of loss, grief, and abandonment when abruptly turned on in such a cold or vicious way. Since it's almost always about nothing terrible that the target has done, and in fact it's more often the case that the target was standing up for themselves, this sends the message to the target that it's not SAFE to STAND UP FOR ONE'S SELF, or to even BE one's self, because it will result in being rejected, attacked, and abandoned.

Those who use discarding and rejecting are often seeking a feeling similar to "self-righteousness", where one feels that they are morally above and superior to the targeted person. They are looking for a feeling of vanquishment, vindication, and triumph, which also gives a feeling of being above reproach and above blame. The targeted person PAYS THE PRICE for the person's ardent desire to feel these specific feelings, in order to make themselves feel good, or worthy, or powerful.

This desire can and often does become a compulsion, where a person regularly seeks to devalue and trash or reject others in order to get this "fix" of feeling superior. They may even seek connections and situations with others for this purpose.
It's not at all the same thing as distancing one's self from an abuser or manipulator, and in fact it's usually the other way around: those who devalue others are much more likely to be abusive and manipulative, and targets of abuse and manipulation are much more likely to be targets of devaluation.  

Most people generally fall into one of two categories:
those who DO devalue other people, and those who DO NOT devalue other people.

It's not really something that anyone might do if they're in a bad mood, although it's possible that a person can be "pushed" to do it after dealing with so much disrespect or abuse from others, but even then, they tend not to discard, reject, attack, slander, or shun the person, and see them or treat them as if they're "no good" or as "garbage".
Mostly, a person either DOES IT, or they DON'T.
Those who do it will do it easily, with very little provocation, or with no legitimate reason at all.

It's a matter of one's own larger Point Of View regarding the world, other people, and mostly themselves.
Either one respects life itself, which means they respect themselves and others as living, precious human beings, or they don't.

Those who place "object value" on themselves, as if they are an object that can be valued like gems or metals, (or race cars, or race horses, commodities, or draft animals), will place it on others.

Narcissist Business Tactic: Bullying

Businesses are out there to make money, and people hold jobs in order to make money. But some treat customers and clients with respect and integrity, and others don't. The difference between them can be striking. For instance if you need to call your internet provider company for help, you might get one of these disrespectful folks on the other end of the line; they might talk down to you, put you on hold forever, treat you with disrespect, have no idea what they're talking about, refuse to ask someone else what to do, give you wrong instructions, try to blame you for equipment failure, etc., making your phone call stressful and unproductive, and you might even give up and deal with having no internet for the rest of the day or week, or want to change companies.
But if someone else had answered your call, it would have been taken care of in a short amount of time, with little or no stress.

Typically, the quality of the service a customer receives will be severely affected by this difference. Individuals and businesses who treat customers and clients with respect and integrity usually do a much better job overall, giving the service or product that they advertise.

Those who do not respect customers are another story. Their main goals are not to provide service, care, or product to their best of their ability to others whom they think of as real people like themselves, but to get money however they can, as easily as they can, or to get or keep attention, recognition, and control.  

Bully tactics are common with people whose only motive for doing business or working is getting money, because they want to do as little work as possible, and get the most gain for as little effort as possible.

They may feign courtesy, manners, or customer care to a client's face, but make fun of them behind their back, fake service, fake repairs, fake the job that they're being paid to do, or purposely do it "half-ass".

Their product or service might be completely made-up, but they haven't been caught yet, or there is no easy way to "catch" them because of the nature of the "service" or product, or the way it's marketed; for example services that are presented as "preventative" may be real, or may be utterly fake; one must use their own judgment. 

They may habitually cover up their lack of knowledge and skill with double-talk or loud talking, or using words that make them sound knowledgeable. (I've known and worked with several in the building trades who have made it a habit of saying words, terms, tool names and brands, techniques, etc. in order to sound like they know how to USE or DO those things, but in reality have no idea; they are masters of avoidance and malarky.)    

They may talk over and interrupt a customer or client who is trying to get more information, or clarify a bill or a contract.

They may flat out lie to a customer, taking the chance that the customer does not know any better, or did not keep records.

They may "cut corners" and try to get out of doing the whole job, or doing it properly.

They may charge much, much more than the product or service is worth, hoping the client won't know any different.

They may have one business just to cover up another business that's not legal, so they're not really interested or invested in the legal one, or their customers; they may be faking anything or everything in the legal one. 

They may condescend to a customer or client, treating them like they're ignorant or stupid, which can work to send the message that they are an "authority", and that the customer is subordinate to them and should submit to their superior status. (And stop making requests or asking questions.)
People fall for this one all the time, especially with jobs and fields that the customer is not an expert in or has not worked in.

They may block a customer's questions or requests by ignoring them, referring them to someone else (who refers them to someone else), changing the subject, talking over them, putting them on hold, not returning calls, not answering calls, making themselves difficult to communicate with, making themselves unavailable. 

They may try to make the relationship with a customer or client too personal, crossing appropriate boundaries, in order to use personal bully or coercion tactics on them:
Blaming;
shaming;
judging;
giving unsolicited advice;
condescending;
implying inferiority in the client, incompetence, mental instability, weakness, or self-centeredness;
manufacturing crises;
trying to provoke guilt or sympathy from the customer in order to get them to do things for them;
trying to create a too-personal or even romantic connection with a client;
asking the client very personal information that's not a "norm" in the local community culture;

triangulation (with others);
manipulation;
criticizing;
using language that's disrespectful or demeaning;
implying threats, usually in a masked way
implying threats or "dominance" in a passive-aggressive display (acting 'tough' or 'hostile', cursing, making noise on purpose, refusing to use manners or follow etiquette or rules, etc.)
(These behaviors can be seen in most relationships with a person who has Control issues or Narcissism.)

It's nearly impossible to avoid these types of folks, but one can simply raise their awareness about the fact that they do exist, and there are a lot of them in various fields, businesses, and job positions. Customers are paying for a product or service, and are real people who deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect, period.

Obviously an abusive customer who treats someone they've hired badly does not deserve to be catered to, allowed to walk all over other people just because they're paying them for something. But that's not what we're talking about here, we're talking about those who bully and disrespect clients and customers who behave with normal, decent civility. 

Treating You Like You're Incompetent, Incapable, And Unimportant

Why would someone who cared about another person treat them poorly, like they're incapable, unintelligent, untalented, unimportant, or unable to learn something or accomplish something?

Simple answer: They wouldn't.

A person who cares about another person, whether they are the person's parent, spouse, fiance, sibling, friend, teacher, doctor, therapist, neighbor, coworker, or anyone else would NOT treat them with such disrespect, dishonor, and disdain.

If a person cares about another person, they treat that person with courtesy and respect. They would be supportive of them in their endeavors and goals, not dismissive or belittling.

Any ACTION that they would do toward or regarding the person would be positive, not negative.

Supportive- not oppressive.
Encouraging- not demeaning or invalidating.
Helpful- not sabotaging, ignoring, or blocking. 

When a person is condescending, disdainful, manipulative, or unsupportive toward a person whom they claim to be a friend to, or care about, they are being dishonest.
Their actions show their true intentions and motives.

Why would a person claim to "care" if they really don't, if their real intention is to cause some sort of problems for the person?
Simply so they can get close enough to the person to be able to cause the problems, or to gain control over them, or to get something they want from them.

They also likely do not want their true motives to be exposed, so they keep saying they care about the person, convincing the person and everyone else around that they really DO, that they mean no harm, that they are a "good person", that they are there to support the person, and that they have no ill will or intent toward the person.

If everyone believes that they really do "care" about the person, then whatever they REALLY do is more likely to go unnoticed; people would not expect anything negative coming from them.     

We Enlightened Wise Knowledgeable Ones

1 Corinthians 3:18
Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become "fools" so that you may become wise.

Is Their "Ex" The Narcissist, Or Are They?

One way to tell if a person might actually the Narcissist, or if they're telling the truth about being the "victim" of their past relationships with alleged abusers or crazies:

How are their exes doing (or ex-friends or family members)?
Do their exes seem like they're recovering from some kind of traumatic time in their life, or are they doing pretty well, even quite well?

How many of their exes are doing well, compared to how many are not, who appear to be having a hard time of it?

Narcissists use the resources of whoever they attach themselves to, or whoever they happen to be attached to because of family or work or community relationships.
They don't support another person who is in any kind of need (unless they're pretending to in order to gain their trust and get closer to them.)
They don't support the other person, even though the person is supportive toward them, so the other person often ends up becoming very depleted in most or all ways (emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally, etc.)
They often destroy or take away the means of self-support a person had.
They also take away the person's support network if they can (friends and family), if the people around them are easily influenced. Many people are, and will turn on a person quite easily if they're led in that direction.
Because they are typically abusive in many ways, they often leave deep scars on a person who they were connected to in relationship, and the closer the relationship (the more the person trusted them), the deeper the impact.

So the target of a Narcissist often ends up in a much worse position than they were before the met them, and can end up with a lack of "friends" who were apparently superficial in the first place, or they would still be around, especially when the person went through such trauma. 

Since Narcissists only take but don't give, they often end up in better positions, and often continue to gain and gain throughout their lives. They also tend to be good at cultivating and maintaining superficial "friendships" that don't require any genuine, real-life-mutual support like one would need to give in a healthy friendship, family or romantic relationship, so they often appear to be surrounded by good relationships.

Narcissist Formula

Don't forget the formula:
The more you are dealing with, the less the Narcissist can "tolerate" being supportive of you. The more knowledgeable, skilled, or talented you are, the more they will try to put you down, invalidate you, belittle you, or sabotage you. The more impassioned you are, the more "annoyed" they will be with you. The more you talk, the more they feel like they're not getting to talk. The more you help them, the more they resent you. The kinder and more supportive you are toward them, the LESS they will be toward you.
And don't forget about the stereotypes, gender roles, and bigotry (sexism and racism, heightism, ageism, classism, etc etc).
It's all real, and it's all the time.
THEY are not YOU, THEY don't control LIFE on this planet, or YOUR life.

If They Want You To Be "Wrong"

If a person wants you to be wrong, resents or envies you, or wants to have control, favor, or popularity over you for whatever personal issues they have, they are likely to:

argue with you about anything

"snap at" you about anything

criticize you for anything at all

judge you as inferior

be purposely non-supportive of your endeavors or goals

be purposely non-supportive of you when you have difficulties

put you down, insult you, make fun of you, harass you

imply that you are crazy, self-centered, or histrionic

make demands of you

not use "manners" or courtesy when talking or interacting with you

cast blame and shame on you for random things

be dishonest with you

invalidate whatever you say or express

say that you're wrong no matter what you're saying (even if you repeat what they just said a few minutes ago, verbatim)

treat you like you don't belong

try to make you feel like you don't belong or "unliked" by treating others around you with attention and courtesy, but NOT you, on purpose.

may try to turn others against you

~
These behaviors are flags that you are dealing with a person of lesser maturity who may have a problem with entitlement, a lack of boundary health, and is probably very insecure, or fearful, or intimidated by you.