Human Tribal Obsession

So which one of our groups is better than the other ones this week?

Which one of the "tribes" we belong to is the one we are identifying with as superior today?

Let me see, maybe it's our Ancestry tribe. We whose lineage come from such and such a country are the Great Ones, and our family lineage is the Cream of the Crop among them.
What was the ancestry of that country before? Where did the tribes come from who invaded and stayed there? They were Great too... better than all the other ones. Stronger, faster, smarter...

Or maybe today it's the town we live in now. Everyone from our area is smarter and more experienced, and has more common sense than the entire rest of the region.

How about our Political Party? Make sure we capitalize the words. OUR Political Party, the one WE belong to, is definitely the better one. We are all more intelligent, more ethical, kinder, and light years beyond the other ones. Which one are we? Oh yeah, that's right, the GOOD one... Which one is that? Well the one WE belong to, of course! We wouldn't belong to it if it wasn't the BEST one... Actually, we are all kind of spiritually related in this Party, unlike the other Parties... they're all just a bunch of idiots. OUR Party is the SMART and GOOD Party, we're head and shoulders above the other ones. Aren't we?! (Which Party is it again?)

Perhaps this week the Tribe we are focused on is our sexual orientation. WE are the ones who should be ruling over the other ones! WE are the ones who are RIGHT, and WE are BETTER than THEM. They are ALL crazy and stupid, WE are all smart, innocent and perfect.

Or, the Tribe of the week can be our sex. Male, female, ONE of them is superior to the other, they CAN'T be equal, because they're DIFFERENT, so one HAS to be inferior. And of course whichever one WE ARE is the one that's SUPERIOR. ALL of the one sex is superior, and ALL of the other sex is inferior. Except maybe one or two extra smart and extra cool people... but that's it, and those exceptions aren't really as good as WE ARE, they're just not as inferior as the rest of their kind. WE are the supreme ones, in almost every way.

Let's not forget race! OUR race is of course the best one, even though we tolerate the others. Skin, hair, and eye color show who WE ARE! Forget about what those Genome scientists said~ we LIKE to separate ourselves by the way we look and set ourselves ABOVE. WE are the innocent ones, ALL of us, and THEY are not... What race are we again? Oh yeah, OUR race, the one we SAY we belong to.

How about Music Genre~ all the people who listen to the same music as we do are JUST LIKE US, and WE are the ones who understand the WORLD. Those OTHER people who listen to that OTHER music don't understand anything. They're just stupid. WE are the ones who GET ALL OF IT.

All those who are fans of the same sport as US are special members of a special tribe. And even more special and elite are all who are fans of the team WE follow. OUR team is the greatest (we just ignore it when players get traded), WE have the best players on OUR TEAM! And we will fight anyone who isn't a member of our tribe! Dareth not to speak ill words of OUR TEAM, oh heathenous wretch...

Let's make this week's tribe OUR RELIGION. WHOSOEVER follows the same doctrine as US is a fellow tribal member, and WE are RIGHT! Whosoever REJECTS the same doctrine as WE DO is a fellow tribal member, and WE are RIGHT! No other group has any idea what they're talking about, ONLY WE DO!!! And we are prepared to FIGHT ABOUT IT, and TRAMPLE the RIGHTS and FREEDOM of ANYONE who does NOT BELONG TO OUR TRIBE! Because they're STUPID, and WE ARE SMART!



How about next week we make OUR TRIBE about our College, or our Degree?
The week after that we can make OUR TRIBE be about our regional dialect.
Let's make it about how TALL we are!
How about the cars we have, or our jobs? The company WE work for?
Oh Oh Oh! What about the SKILLS we have! That's a really good one...

We can always find a TRIBE to belong to, and that TRIBE will always be the SUPERIOR one compared to all the others...
Even if we switch from one to the other, the new tribe will now be the BETTER tribe....

Even the sentient awareness of Human Tribal social behavior is not enough to WAKE US UP, is it?

First Impressions, Ongoing Impressions

Another mind-bender that humans too often do to other humans, but Narcissists do to an intense degree:

Treating others (especially targets) as if they are NOT the person that they really are.

Human beings "mirror" one another and give feedback to one another every time we interact. I smile, you smile back, it's normal, it's polite, and you are signaling that you SEE me and acknowledge me and my expression. You are giving me normal, straightforward feedback and reciprocation, no drama there. If you see me doing a task, you would acknowledge that I'm doing that task, and you would store it as a simple memory about me~ "She washes dishes, she knows how to wash dishes, she washed them today". You would gather bits of information about me that way, and put them under a category in your memory of "who she is, what she does". (You wouldn't assume much about my character or my preferences, or my strengths or weaknesses, you don't have any of that information. You wouldn't assume that I CAN'T do something, it wouldn't cross your mind, you have not seen me try hard and fail at something.)

This is how we build our "pictures" of other people, when we are doing it in a healthy way.  We don't make a lot of assumptions about them for good or for ill, for strength or weakness, we simply slowly take in bits of information as they come, and store them in a neutral, drama-free memory file.

"He likes dogs, he has a Bichon Frise."
"She plays guitar and piano, she has been playing since she was very young."
"He cooks, he likes to cook. I enjoyed the gourmet meal he made."
"She worked at the bank as a Loan Officer."
"He always calls and shows up when he says he will, therefore I feel pretty comfortable trusting his reliability."
"She remodeled my friend's kitchen and built another friend's deck, therefore I know she is skilled in remodeling and carpentry."
"He speaks politely and considerately when he interacts with me and also with others. I have not seen him act rudely or arrogantly."
"She has behaved  like a friend to me on several occasions, she has stood up for me, she treats others with consideration and care."

We build Pictures of others based on actual information when we are doing it in a healthy way. We don't assume a person CAN'T do something just because we've never actually seen them do it, or based on their appearance, nor do we assume they CAN do something based on our own fantasies because of the their appearance.

Controllers, Narcissists, and the immature (due to age or other) make their Picture of another person BEFORE they find out real bits of information. It's not based on anything but their imagination. You might remind them of a girl they used to know, so they put their "Picture" of who she was on YOU. Maybe you are wearing certain clothes, or a uniform, so they put the Picture they keep in their imaginations of "people who wear these clothes" on you. They might base their Picture of who you are on a combination of things, like your clothing, job position, weight, and gender, or just one or two things, like your hair color and your facial features.
This is what they go by when they interact with you. They don't go by what you actually DO, or who you actually ARE. They made their Picture up of you based on their own imaginations, they didn't wait to find out anything real about you at all. Sometimes they will also pick up rumors, gossip, or adulation from others about you and insert those into their Picture of you as well.

What do they do when they find out their Picture of you doesn't match who and what you really are?
Not much. They just ignore, dismiss, and delete the new information. It doesn't fit with their Picture they have in their head of you, so they reject it.  The most important thing to them is their comfort, and the Picture of you they created fit in with their comfort level and ego. The Picture is static, and it's for them, not for you. It's not about you, it's about them. Changing that picture would take serious effort on their part, and even more importantly, it would mean they were NOT CORRECT when they made up their Picture. CAN'T HAVE THAT, it's too uncomfortable. So, they will just REJECT any new information that would change the comfortable Picture.

With that rejection of information, the target also usually gets rejected along with it.

In other words, when a Controller or Narcissist keeps receiving information that proves the Picture they have created of someone else to be false, they often decide they don't "LIKE" the person anymore. A person with Narcissism can even become angry or hateful toward a Target when they turn out to simply be different from the Picture they created of them.

The Picture they create in their heads may have the subject being wealthy or poor, smarter or less intelligent than themselves, stronger or weaker. They might have painted the person in their minds as being a parental figure or a little sister or brother. They may have painted them as being skilled or unskilled, experienced or inexperienced. Crazy or very stable. "Good" or "Bad". Virtuous or promiscuous. Honest or dishonest. Sober or not sober. Their Picture is painted from the imagination, not actual information, so it does not reflect reality, it's hit or miss; it's really a reflection of their own inner world, their ego, the way they want the world to be around them.

So when a Controller or Narcissist (or younger person) speaks and interacts with you as if you are a different person than you really are, it's because they really don't know who and what you really are. They create their Pictures of others first, without actual objective information, and that's what they go by. A fictional Picture.
When your actions don't fit their Picture, they often become uncomfortable, and then will often put the blame for their discomfort on you, because in their minds, you are causing it.
You're messing up their Picture, you're changing the script they wrote for you, you're not staying in the place they assigned  you.

 It's important to qualify, however~ a "Socio/psychopath Narcissist" will often learn as much as they can about another person, purposely, so they can use what they learn to manipulate their target. However, so many of them are so befuddled with arrogance that they think they know more than they do; they usually slip up pretty early on and reveal their true intentions.



http://refulgentcoleman.blogspot.com/2013/07/human-tribal-obsession.html

Sickness

One of the most obvious and flagrant signs of a very sick society is diminished respect between the sexes, and the lack of instilling basic respect for elders of both sexes in the youth. Those who do not have respect for others don't have respect for themselves, and therefore can't teach it.

Normal Psychiatry

One of the biggest problems with psychiatry is the fact that the patient is viewed through the filter of the idea of what "normalcy" is in the mind of a single individual, or at best, a small handful of individuals who have been indoctrinated in similar ways. The limited viewpoint of one human being can not for one moment presume to know the actual life experiences of another from birth to present time, what it's literally like to stand in their shoes among other humans, among their particular family members, to know their infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, to comprehend the color, depth, and intensity of the events this person has experienced throughout their lives. To judge another's entire personhood and personality as "normal" or "abnormal" based one's OWN belief that one's own personality and world view is "NORMAL" and above reproach or bias, and actually label them with a diagnosis based on this, has got to be one of the most childish and blatant forms of arrogance in the modern world. 

Condescension And Intelligence

When someone condescends to you, it's literally an indication of a lack of ability on their part. A poor ability to assess the intelligence level of others is quite straightforward, no different than having a poor ability to work out mathematical problems, comprehend language, or work out spatial relationships between objects.

A person who was adept at assessing the intelligence levels of others would not be detected condescending, because the person they were condescending TO would not be aware enough to notice their tone if they were as dim as they had been assessed to be.

Further, the desire alone to assess the intelligence levels of those with whom one is speaking to indicates something about their personality and level of self-esteem. The exchange of information does not require any such assessment; information exchange is completely neutral. The ego that is looking for ways to boost itself seeks to assess the "limitations" of random others. The other common reason one would make a habit of trying to assess the intelligence "limitations" of others would be for conning, trickery, and thievery purposes. 

What's The Fun In Relationships?

Being in any kind of relationship is like riding a seesaw. There is joy and peace when each person is actually playing the game of the seesaw, creating balance, creating momentum, slowing it down when it gets wobbly or too high, and speeding up when both feel secure and are in the balance zone. The seesaw is great fun to play with, but that fun can only be found when another person who understands..., at least intuitively, the physics of balance. If the person on the other end of the seesaw is just trying to knock you off, bounce you on the ground, or make it go too fast so they can enjoy the look on your face, they probably don't comprehend the physics of balance, and would not be able to appreciate the feeling of achieving the subtle levels of balance and speed that can only be attained with two people purposely synchronizing with one another. If the only reason the other person likes to play on the seesaw is to manipulate the person on the other side, then they aren't going to be able to achieve balance, or comprehend the joy in it.
They will also jump off and let the other person slam on the ground when they get bored, or the other person won't let them be "the boss", or when they see another toy, or another game going on.
They aren't going to be able to focus on the seesaw for very long at all, and won't even know why anyone would want to. It's boring to them, they can't comprehend, or feel, the magnetic resonance that's created in achieving balance and harmony with another person.
What's fun for them is competing for control, attention, and domination over others. That' pretty much it. They simply can not grasp why someone finds achieving balance and resonance with others FUN and fulfilling.
Having a relationship with a Controller, whether they're friend, family, romantic or business, is like riding a seesaw with a bully. Most of the ride is going to just be either dealing with the bully's attempts at "taking control" of the seesaw, or trying to make you go faster or slower, and when you're not dealing with that, you're watching them for signs that they're going to slam it again, and you're wondering when they're just going to jump off and let you slam on the ground. It's not fun, it's just stressful. But you know you can't play the seesaw without another person, and the bully knows this too.
The only way to get away from a bully who thinks he or she owns the seesaw at the playground is to jump off. Go find a different playground, and stop trying to find someone to play on the seesaw for a while. Swings are fun too, and they only require one person. When you find someone you think you can trust to play on the seesaw with you, use caution and pay attention to their actions. If they show signs of being a bully, just get off the seesaw and go back to the swings.

What The ~ Happened To Discernment?

Just because something is supposed to be clever or intellectual doesn't mean it's good, or good for you, or good for the minds of children. Just because you can do something doesn't mean it should be done, and just because you feel something doesn't mean you should act on it.

What happened to the human brain, anyway?

Don't make 12 year olds watch "The Lottery", or 13 year olds read books that would depress a Tibetan monk, or let 9 year olds watch rated R movies, use some sense. Don't listen to songs about being severely depressed or being a "loser", quit listening to lyrics about violence and hate and then complaining that your life sucks because the world sucks. Whatever you feed the brain, whatever the mind is engaged in, that's what it remembers... that's what it absorbs...helloooo... how else did you think it worked? You're just born the way you'll be when you're 45 or 70? DUH! Quit feeding your brain and your kids' brains depressing input, and then wondering why "Kids are the way they are", or why the "World is screwed up"...! That's like eating donuts every hour on the hour and complaining that you've gained weight! "It's the woooorld making me gain weight...." No, it's you stuffing your own face with donuts.

Venting about real things and learning about real things are important; filling the air and bombarding ourselves with melodrama is a completely different thing.

Delusions Of Grandeur And Status

That feeling of "hierarchy" in the social groups in the community is created first in childhood by the actual, real hierarchy that's supposed to exist in a family. Parents are the head of the household, of course. Then, there is an actual hierarchy that's supposed to be there at school because of the way it was set up, with the principal at the top, then the vice principal, then the faculty. In co...llege there is a similar hierarchy that was set up. There is hierarchy that's set up in government, and in businesses.
Hierarchies are set up purposely for specific reasons, such as streamlining efficiency and delegating tasks, making decisions and plans, and carrying them out.
Each group does NOT have the same exact hierarchy system, nor are they conducted in the same way. Some are more democratic, some are more dictatorial, some work better than others, mostly depending on the individuals involved.

What is not a REAL hierarchy, but a fictional one, is the one people make up in their heads according to their own social conditioning and emotional issues.

If there is a business that is owned by a small man, for example, he is the actual "boss". If he hires a man who is larger than him, or even more experienced than him, he is STILL the "boss", not the man he hired.
If the owner of the business is a small woman, then she is the actual "boss". If she offers a partnership to a person who's a man, he doesn't get to be HER boss just because he's male. When they hire employees, the employees are bound to listen to BOTH of them, equally, they don't just get to listen to one or the other depending on their own personal emotional issues. If they do, then they are not doing their job, and should probably be let go because they are a liability to the business instead of an asset.

If the head of the PTA is a younger or smaller woman, then she is the head of the PTA, period, and those who try to dominate over her are displaying serious emotional problems.

If the Principal or Dean of a school is a slightly built man, then he should be treated with the same exact respect that he would if he were 6'5" and 240 lbs. Anyone who can't handle that is displaying emotional problems.

Humans frequently create pretend hierarchies in their imaginations because it gives them fictional excuses to treat one person better or worse than another.
Everyone will stop talking and listen to Ted when he speaks, shares his opinion, or tells stories, but they just keep talking right over Jerry, no matter what. They will say things like "well it's because he's so smart" or "because he's so experienced", but it's not that at all.

It's really because they are building an imaginary hierarchy so that they can have their OWN place in it.

Healthy groups, businesses, and institutions, including families, don't do dramatic power struggles, because no one is vying for illusory "power" over anyone else. No one is trying to dominate or oppress, no one is putting one person on a pedestal as "super cool' and "more worthy", and throwing another under the bus, or trying to belittle or shun them. Because the individuals are all mentally and emotionally healthy, they know the difference between a REAL hierarchy that was set up in order to get things done well and keep things going, and a FAKE hierarchy that is based on emotional issues such as desire for control over others, ego, cronyism, and desire for approval and recognition.

Punishment And Reward: Red Light Runners

It’s Mr Incredible who first showed you just how wonderful you are, and you believed him.  Somewhere along the line, things got switched, Mr Incredible stopped telling you how wonderful you are and started expecting you to prove it to him. 

Red Light Runners'most recent contribution,

Around and Around and Around We Go… Punishment and Reward

Business And Narcissists

If you've ever been a business partner or worked on any kind of project with a Narcissist, you probably know what it's like to be treated like someone else's shadow, like you weren't even there. It's almost comical how they take full credit for the work you do, the money you contribute, the plans you made, even the project itself (the ones that were YOUR idea). THEY are the only REAL person in their world. You could write an entire song from beginning to end, all the words, all the music, every instrumental part, and ask them to play one of the parts on stage or on a record, and they will take credit for writing the whole song.
They will also simply STEAL a song, literally, and claim they wrote it, and collect the royalties and credit. (You hear songs on the radio every day that have been literally stolen.) They will take your photographic work without asking and use it to sell their product. They will take your artistic work and use it for their logo without paying you. They will order a portrait sculpture or painting and refuse to pay for it once it's completed. They will create fake work and billing in order to get more money out of a customer. They will take your invention and patent it in their own name. They will take your story and turn it into a screenplay, and claim it's original. They will take your scientific work and claim it's their own, and put their name on your observations and theories. They'll stead your dissertation and publish it as their own work. They'll simply REWRITE their own reality using YOUR WORK. And they will pat themselves on the back for all of it.

If you built a business together, they will take ALL OF THE CREDIT and believe THEY were the ones who did all of the work. They will belittle whatever you did, no matter how much you contributed, no matter if you ACTUALLY did twice the work they did and spent 5 times the money they did. They will NOT pay you back any money you lent them, no matter how much or how little it was, and will tell everyone your money is gone because YOU BLEW IT (even while you're holding the copies of the checks in your HAND that you lent them, with their name on them.)
Narcissists will deny you were even THERE, or completely diminish and minimize your contribution to any project or business or family or group AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
If you saved their life, literally, they will turn on you so they don't have to feel like they owe you anything. No matter how much you helped them, they will claim they did everything by themselves, and that any help they received was minimal or nothing at all. 

If you were the other ASTRONAUT in the first human voyage to Mars, and you were the pilot, and you built the ship, they would tell everyone you were "JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE".

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS get EVERYTHING IN WRITING, even if it's your best friend you're working with, your spouse, or your relative. A REAL friend would WANT you to be protected in writing, and would want to protect themselves as well, they would want EVERYTHING to be documented clearly and "on the table" to protect everyone involved and to make sure everything is FAIR. WOULDN'T THEY?!?  

What kind of a "friend" doesn't want YOU to be protected with legal documentation?  

 Even if it's just from something unexpected going awry? 
What kind of "friend" doesn't want YOU to get credit for your contribution or work? 

What kind of "friend" doesn't want your funds, your future, or your family's livelihood to be safe?

Think about it.

Narcissism and Sexism

Sexism is a big issue for many narcissists, both female and male, and it can take different forms, but it's always about identity.
One might think of themselves as "uber male" and do everything they can think of to prove to the world that that's what they are, the ultimate GUY. But their target audience might be male, or it might be female, or it might be both, it depends on the individual, and what they think being the "ultimate GUY" actually means. They are usually trying hard to get the attention, approval, and acceptance of their own sex, but trying to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex (but not caring about acceptance or approval from them, and not giving it either).

Another one might think of themselves as "Ultra Feminine" and do the same thing as the above said "uber male", in female terms, doing everything they can think of to prove that they're the ultimate Woman, according to whatever they think that means.

Narcissists often believe that everyone has the same picture of "ultimate male" or "ultimate female" in their heads, so that alleviates their wondering about what other people think of them, they are ON IT! They KNOW what other people think of them, they are IT.

So if you're the ultimate female, then all the other females are BELOW you, aren't they? Your uber femaleness holds your spotlight in place all the time.
If you're the ultimate male, then all the other males just can't measure up, can they? Your ultra maleness shines brighter than all the stars in the sky.

And the opposite sex doesn't have a CHANCE! When you walk by, they are instantly enamored with you, and if they AREN'T hypnotized by your magnificence, or your magnetic and glowing sweetness and down to earth humility..., they are either STUPID, or STUCK UP. In fact, pretty much anyone who doesn't look UP to you, or give you signals that they find you very attractive is an IDIOT. In fact, pretty much anyone who is SMALLER than you, or not as "polished", or not as well spoken, or not as well off, or younger, or older, or doesn't have the same skills or credentials as you, or makes any kind of visible mistake, or appears the least bit cautious, shy, or anxious HAS to be a lower kind of person, and so they should automatically be acknowledging you for the higher status human that you are!

Anyone who doesn't get treated with high and loud "respect" by others, anyone who people don't listen to, or laugh at all their jokes, anyone who people don't put up on a Super Cool or Super Wise pedestal, anyone who people ignore or gossip about is of course one of those "lower status" people as well.

So, that whole list is most females, and many males. So that means most females are lesser than you, and several males are as well.
Which means that females in general are lesser humans, and some males are also lesser humans.

SO, the male Narcissist is usually male biased and identifies with being male, because the culture they live in is male biased, so there's no discrepancy for them between their actual sex and their feeling of supremacy. They don't have to change their physical identity to feel superior, they already ARE superior... all they have to do is show off their greatness!

The FEMALE Narcissist, on the other hand, who lives in a male-biased culture, has to be the "exception to the rule", she's ABOVE other women, she's BETTER than other women, she's the ONLY woman in the room who has her unique capabilities. She's the ultimate woman, and she can compete with men on "their level".

Narcissistic women often think men see them as "one of them", not as "one of those other silly, stupid women."

Since there is a large disparity in identity for Narc. women, they have to do more mental twisting and turning in order to keep their superior self-image. Narcissists WANT TO BE IDENTIFIED WITH THE GROUP THAT HAS MORE "POWER", so it's easier for males narcs in a male-biased culture; not so easy for female narcs.

Female Narcissists often end up being biased against other women, viciously bullying and competing with them, gossiping, backstabbing, and sabotaging, and going along with most male Narcissists in the same anti-female biases. Female Narcissists are often male-biased, because they identify themselves as being a member of the "power group" as they see it, and despise being thought of (like male Narcissists) as a member of a "lesser" group.

Of course no humans need to accept being seen or thought of as a lesser person due to race or gender, and being offended is a natural and healthy response. It's a ridiculous and immature culture that has such power imbalances. But the Narcissist female often actually creates a delusion that she is NOT really a member of the female sex, or that she is a member but she is an EXCEPTION, she's ABOVE the rest, and therefore treats other females much like a male Narcissist would treat them. As a lesser type of human.



*It doesn't matter what a Narcissist ACTUALLY looks like on the outside, this all takes place in their imaginations anyway. The gorgeous, "voluptuous" woman down the street with the great smile might NOT be a Narcissist at all, she might not even think she's that attractive, she might even think she's UN attractive and might be the nicest person in town, but the person at the office who very few people find physically attractive (or even charismatically) might have severe NPD and believe they are like a god.

Bias And Power

There is always bias for one sex and bias against the other if the culture has a power imbalance. Whichever sex holds the power of wealth, decision making, and governing is the one that people are taught to have bias for.

It is no different than racial power imbalance, religious power imbalance, or ancestral power imbalance. Whichever race, sex, religion, or ancestry holds the most power in a given region is who is held up as smarter, wiser, funnier, more endearing, more powerful, and more deserving of sympathy, "fairness", "justice", help, attention, and resources.


The reason for this is conditioning; one generation after another learns by growing up within a given culture to think of others in a certain light according to their race or sex. It is learned mostly by just modeling; the way adults conduct themselves day to day is called "modeling" when children are anywhere in the vicinity, and this is how children's beliefs about what is NORMAL are developed. So even if a child's inner "moral compass" tells them that something is wrong with this picture, their brain is still learning what "normal" is by the way everyone behaves around them, and the child will still reflect their biases in his or her thinking and behavior as the child grows.

Humans like to rationalize their biases, they will come up with all kinds of "reasons" why one person is treated one way, and another person is treated another way, but none of it would hold water in an objective scientific observation. For example giving more resources to one sex than the other, or one race than the other, proves only one thing: that there is bias for that sex or race. The argument usually goes something like "Well they NEED those extra resources because they have more responsibility, and they need to learn more." But in reality, neither sex nor race has MORE responsibilities than the other. This might be hard for some people to understand, because of their conditioning, which is why it keeps going, and going, and going.

The fact is, whichever group has been holding more power and bias is not going to want to give any of it away. They have throughout history fought tooth and nail to hold on to any extra bias they have acquired, regardless of how it affects others. Power is addictive, and makes one feel SAFE and SECURE. It makes one feel entitled to more PROTECTION in a harsh world. It makes one feel entitled to control others, and to be served by others, and to be treated as ABOVE others.


Those who belong to the group that is biased FOR do not have full support of everyone like they would in a balanced community. There is much more competition for "status", which can include vicious and cruel tactics. Severe bullying and sabotage toward other members of the group is common. Likewise, in the groups that the culture is biased against, there is also more bullying and vicious competition for status within the group. More competing all around, more power plays all around; less cooperation, teamwork, support, and accomplishment.

From the point of view of ones who hold power and bias:
IF everyone is considered "equal", then there will be no one serving, no one taking a backseat, no one doing the tedious work, no one filling the seats in the audience and cheering, no one laughing at my jokes, no one believing whatever I say and taking me seriously, no one protecting me from others or from my own mistakes. Everyone will be competing, driving, running the business, making decisions, and on stage. Everyone will be judging me just as harshly as they judge others, and everyone will have the same knowledge, so I can't say I know something that I don't, and I can't say someone else DOES NOT know something. No one will be there to blame for things that go wrong.
If EVERYONE is recognized for their actual REAL STRENGTH and intelligence, then there will be no one to call "LESS THAN ME" or "LESS THAN US", and no one to use as a doormat or stress relief, and no one I can force into doing my bidding, because they will stand up for themselves, and someone else will stand up for them.

And that all means someone might get forced into sitting in the backseat or the audience, or held accountable, or have to take care of others and do tedious work, or be a sidekick instead of a leader, and that person might be me... So I'm going to hold on to this bias with all my might, and I'm going to make sure that I am supportive of those who are like me, so we can hold onto this power together. Anyone who tries to say we should share it I will rail against, belittle, and condemn with everything I've got.

Whichever sex or race is given a wider berth in personal space, whichever sex or race children are taught to fear retribution from, whichever sex or race is treated with more "respect", whichever sex or race is held up as having more capability and skill, is the always the one that the culture is biased FOR, and is holding onto the imbalance of power.

In cultures where this power imbalance exists, there is much larger incidence of drama, more crime, more violence, and more mental and emotional illness due to the volatile behavior in the community.

In a balanced culture, there is no disparity in treatment or respect regarding sex or race. Since there is much less dramatic struggle for power, there is much more peace, much more accomplishment, and much less crime and violence.

Culture Sludge

"Oh my GOSH did you see what she was WEARING?"
"You need to get a life!"
"Look at the pictures he posts, he thinks he's so great."
"Go get me a beer."
"How about if you get me a cup of coffee."
"I need you to come and help me this weekend."
"Hurry up, you're so SLOW."
"This place is a dump."
"Why don't you do something about your hair."
"You used to be so pretty."
"You used to be so thin."
"You used to have a great body."
"You would be hot if you had a tan/gained some weight/lost some weight/changed your hair/wore makeup/smiled more."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"You're a bitch. She's a bitch. He's a whiny bitch."
"You're a loser. She's a loser. He's a loser."
"You're going to hell."
"You're stupid for believing that."
"It's all your fault."
"I know what you're doing when I'm not there."
"You deserve what you get if you're that stupid to let someone trick/treat you like that."
"They deserved to get hit/beaten/raped/abused/stolen from."
"Why would you go out with THAT?"
"Did you see them walking to the parking lot together? He must be banging her."
"She smiled at you dude, that means she wants you."
"She's a slut."
"Men and women can't be just friends."
"Everyone cheats, lies and steals, if they deny it they're lying, that's just the way of the world."
"You need to get a thicker skin, stop complaining."
"I will kick your ass/her ass/his ass if you say (whatever)."
"I will kill (whoever, for whatever)"
"She doesn't like to be told what to do..."

Sentences that are common in narcissist "culture", and rarely or never come out of the mouths of non-narcissists. It can be difficult for some non-narcissists to communicate in a narc. culture, when this language is the norm, all around them. It can also be hard not to pick it up when you hear it every day all around you. It can have a depressive effect on a person who lives in such a culture, hearing it day in and day out. Kind of like living in a bad movie but not being able to change the film. Many people are amazed when they grow up and leave their hometown, and find out that there are places and people in the world who don't live and speak that way. While there's always some narcissism in any area we live, there are huge differences in the general atmosphere and the way people treat one another from region to region, which of course directly affects the quality of life for the adults and children who live there.

The Blessing Of Remorse

That feeling that's referred to as "remorse" and the one called "guilt"< they are integral to staying human, you are blessed if you still feel them.

Shame put upon us by others to control us is not the same as remorse and guilt. If I yelled at my son in anger and said something hurtful, I will feel remorseful if my "heart" is intact and healthy. It will help me be aware of my actions and my mistake, and will help compel me to make amends and apologize. If I stood up a friend in order to go do something else, if my "heart" is healthy I'll feel guilty because I did something purposely that hurt and inconvenienced my friend.  It will help me to realize that my actions caused my friend pain or sadness, or a scheduling problem, and I will learn from it, and hopefully my friend will forgive me, but I probably won't do it again.

Getting abused and attacked can effectively inhibit or shut down our natural guilt and remorse response because we are in fight or flight too much of the time, or frustrated, or angry at something that has been done to us. We can become numb inside, and only feel the very sharpest and loudest emotions; we might seek conflict, adrenaline rushes, or pain in order to feel something. We might begin to lose our ability to empathize, or even care much about others, their lives, happiness, and well-being. We can become contemptuous, hard, and even arrogant.

 It is the blessing of the healed, the healing, and the safe and secure (even if that means being in a warzone but knowing someone has your back) to feel guilt and remorse, and have the freedom to make amends.

Regular People

"Regular" people do things all the time that are narcky, (narcissistic), like making assumptions about others, taking moods out on other people to a certain degree, wanting more attention than we give, thinking ourselves better in some way than others, or favoring someone because they have something we want, or because they're like ourselves, or remind us of someone we think is "cool" or "smart" or "strong".
These things are human things, and the less mature and aware we are the more we do them, but when we realize we've been behaving that way we feel chagrined, or guilty, or remorseful, and learn from it. We stop treating one sex better than the other, or certain people better because of their appearance or possessions, we realize we've had an age prejudice and grow out of it. We don't assume we know other people's limitations anymore, and we stop making other people into heroes and idols.
It crosses into Narcissism when we do it on purpose, when we do it regardless of how much it hurts or damages someone, when we do it because it serves US in some way, REGARDLESS of what it does to others.

For example a family has a daughter and a son, both of whom equally excel at sports, cooking, carpentry and landscaping.

But since the parents are Narcissists, they cheer dramatically at their son's games, support him 100%, and brag to all their friends about his athletic accomplishments. They barely can drag themselves to their daughter's games, and "sit through it"; sometimes one of them "can't" go because of something "more important"... They want to be SEEN AS the parents of a BOY who is an ATHLETE, but they don't want people to know their DAUGHTER is strong or competitive. They're not proud of their son, they're proud of themselves having a son who's an athlete, an they're trying to downplay their daughter being an athlete because they're embarrassed, and besides they don't get the praise and attention from other people about their daughter's athleticism.

Since the parents are Narcissists, they make a big deal out of their daughter's ability to COOK, they tell their friends and coworkers about how she "helped" in the kitchen or made a great dessert (but making sure they qualify her ability as not yet being on par with her mother...) However when their SON makes a beautiful meal, finished with gourmet pastry, they barely whisper about it. They make a small show of praising him in the four walls of the home while they eat, but they don't talk about it to their friends... they might think he's "light in the loafers..." or "wimpy", can't have that!!!

Since the parents are Narcissists, they DISMISS the fact that both son and daughter are equally quite skilled carpenters, especially for teens, and that both are equally pretty skilled at landscaping as well. They constantly try to REDIRECT each child to only do the tasks THEY want them to do, like they try to make their son do all the heavy work (by himself, without his sister's help, which he actually needs and wants) and they try to make their daughter do all the flower arrangement and cleaning (by herself, without her brother's help, which she actually needs and wants).

Since the parents are Narcissists, instead of guiding their children to work as a team, they try to separate them from one another. Instead of encouraging them and praising them for what they ACTUALLY DO, they try to EDIT their every step to fit what the parents want them to LOOK LIKE to their friends. Instead of teaching them to respect the opposite sex, they are trying to make each one feel like a different species from their own sibling, just to suit their own personal agendas.

They don't even think about what's good for the kids, because what's good for the kids is not what's important to them.

Cognitive Dissonance - The Battle Of The Two Selves

 Red Light Runners

Cognitive Dissonance – The Battle Of The Two Selves

June 16, 2013It's an Emergency

It’s early in the morning when everything and everyone is quiet.  You can hear a knocking, a little rat-tat-tat at the door of your heart.  Yawning,  you roll over and peep through a little crack to see who it is. It’s your LSS (Little Secret Self), she’s speaking very quietly, she wants to talk to you.  She’s always been softly spoken, but these days her whisper is so quiet you can barely hear it.  Her voice sounds almost shaky, nervous. Her eyes are always wide too, they dart around a lot, as if expecting someone to suddenly pounce unexpectedly out of nowhere and silence her. You give her your full attention while your mind is clear for a moment, you still love her, and you miss her too. You even feel bad about everything and the way she has been pushed to the side. Somewhere in the depths of your sub-consciousness you are aware that you’re neglecting her, you secretly hate it, but it’s for the better good of everyone, it’s what you have to do right now in order to survive.  For some unknown reason you are not willing or ready to give to her her rightful place.  You are not ready to look in the mirror and see her precious face staring back at you, you don’t know why. It’s possibly because you are a little mixed up about it all…. Her (LSS), Him (Mr Incredible)  and your Shadow Self, the one who lives your life for you these days.
Your Shadow Self  seems to be doing such a good job of running your life.  Seeming strong and definite, presenting so well to the outside world.  It’s your SS that can keep up appearances and fend off any doubts by playing the necessary games and working really hard… (you know, those games that Mr Incredible wants to play with you, and all the work he gives you to do).   You can’t see your LSS doing as good a job as your SS. Maybe this is the influence of Mr Incredible, or maybe it’s another hidden fear of some kind. Maybe you never really got to know your LSS the way you think you did.  Perhaps, when you were growing up, you didn’t have any true or healthy mirrors around you, ones that weren’t full of cracks themselves, to show you how great your LSS really is.  You just can’t imagine, that she would be any good in the lead. It’s a frightful thought for some reason, maybe because she appears so soft and gentle, you can’t imagine her showing firm resolve, courage and strength in the face of danger.  Your SS seems the better candidate for this kind of living.
You listen as your feeble LSS is talking to you…. “I know he says he loves you so much, I can see he really admires you, needs you and wants to spend all of his spare time with you. He can be reliable, he’s successful and everybody else seems to think he’s great too, (mainly because you tell them he is).”  Her voice builds slightly as she gains confidence.
“But you’re tired all the time, you have knots in your stomach,  you feel insecure and you don’t really know what goes on when you are not around because has lied so many times about so many things.  He subtly puts you down and then builds you up again. He changes moods so quickly and when you are feeling especially happy, he shuts you down. He makes you cry at least three times a week and he never says sorry, because it’s your fault that  he hurts you.   And you know this is the very least of it, he’s called you awful names for no reason, he points out other people’s attributes and compares them with your own short-comings, he’s snuck up behind you and kicked you in the back of your legs behind your knees, so your legs would go out from under you and shoved things in your face, he’s had secrets with other girls, loaning them money and taking days off to help them without your knowing,  and yet you keep all these things a secret from your friends,  protecting him, why?”
“Uggh!”  You put your hand up to stop your LSS from going any further, you know there’s a lot more and it gets worst but it’s making you tired just hearing it... (CLICK ANYWHERE TO CONTINUE READING ON RED LIGHT RUNNER'S WEBLOG) 

Fetch Me My Jacket

One of the results of having injured or weakened boundaries, especially if one is not aware of it or self-aware, can be perceiving anyone who doesn't give them what they want as a bully or a control freak.

So if a bank teller or a sales person, for example, doesn't treat the person with extreme pandering, sweetness, or over the top "respect", the person can feel DISRESPECTED. The teller or sales... person could have been COMPLETELY courteous and professional toward them, but "failed" to flirt with them or display "extra" interest in them, or even "failed" to jump to demands and rude complaints. To them, this feels similar to when someone else who has healthier boundaries is treated with ACTUAL rude behavior.

Some people with weak boundaries expect to be treated with "kid gloves", like royalty, or like a movie star, or like a GQ model, or like the CEO of a Powerful Corporation (the way they IMAGINE those people are treated). They expect others to hang on their every word, to cater to their moods and whims. They don't think they "should HAVE TO" maintain respect for others themselves, or try to understand where another person is coming from, or CONTRIBUTE to resolving a problem. They "shouldn't HAVE TO" do anything, everything is someone else's responsibility to fix. If they can find a way to blame someone else for any problem, then whoever's "fault" it is (in their mind) "deserves" to be completely alone in fixing it.

Real life example: Casino workers, especially dealers, literally run into this every single day. The dealer's job is to "deal" the game properly and "run" it, which just means communicating with customers, communicating with the supervisor, and making sure everything is done properly to procedure. That's it, dealers have literally nothing to do with whether players win or lose, and in fact make more money only when players WIN (because winning players TIP), so if a dealer is biased in any direction, it's for the players, not the "house". But every day, players lose, and blame the dealer. They will criticize anything and everything about the dealer, from the way they look to the way they talk, the way they place the cards, spin the wheel, move the dice, the way they pick up chips, how fast or slow they are, how much they talk or don't talk, what they talk about, and will even try to scam them with payouts. A HUGE number of players blame the DEALER for their losses. They actually accuse the dealer of rigging the cards, rigging the Roulette wheel, spinning too fast or too slow, shuffling "wrong", even being an "unlucky person". ANYTHING to blame the DEALER for their losses, and NOT THEMSELVES. "How can you sleep at night 'taking' my money?..." (Oh I'm sorry, Sir or Miss, I forgot you are the Special Player who wins every hand no matter what, because you deserve it for being so Special... unlike every other person who has ever played, and you are not responsible for your own money, also unlike every other person.)

Not all players do this, lots of players have normal and decent manners, who enjoy gaming like they enjoy movies, sports, concerts and good dinners, and are completely responsible for their own money and their own behavior. But there are plenty of the other kind, enough to make the dealer's job pretty stressful on a daily basis. After a while they come to expect it, and learn ways to deal with it, but as anyone who has been in a narc. relationship knows, it still has an effect no matter how much you learn about dealing with it.

Platonic Friendships~ personal note~

On a personal note, I am a bit "skeeved out", frankly, by people who don't make "platonic" friendships with people who are not the same sex as themselves. They are also often the same people who assume that every male/female friendship or interaction has some kind of "agenda" behind it. Hold on a minute while I gag on the ice cream I ate a couple of hours ago...

Do they literally think about sex ALL THE TIME?

Can they not speak to a member of the other sex WITHOUT thinking about sex? How about a member of their OWN sex?

Do they filter the entire world through their genitalia?

Seriously grosses me out.

If a person can't be "friends" with a person who has different genitalia than themselves because they can't stop THINKING about it, they often ASSUME that everyone else has the same issue. 

Guess what? THEY DON'T!!! SOME people do, of course, but MANY people DO NOT, thank the Good Lord above for that! How creepy that must be to think "SEX" every time you see another human. How does one get through the day? Seriously? HOW?!?

So when you go to work, every other human is filtered through your "sex" scanner? You can't have normal conversations with someone if they're private parts aren't like yours?
So when you go to church, you think of sex when you're looking at the pastor, the deacon, the greeter, all the other parishioners??? GROOOOOSSSSSSSS!!!!
What do you do when you go to school? When you see your teachers or classmates? When you see your children's teachers? How about other parents? What do you do when you hang out with other couples? You think about their sex life?!?Their body parts? WHAT?!? WHY?!!

Is that why you're BORED with more complex subjects like physics, psychology, or archeology?

Do you run ANIMALS through the "sex scanner" in your brain too?

HOW does a person like that get through the day???

Sorry but this is past the edge of my usually high "tolerance-for-others'-pov" threshold. Maybe someone could explain it to me in a way that doesn't make me throw up.

While you're thinking about that, ponder this: PROJECTION is the term used to describe putting one's own issues, thoughts and feelings on someone else. So let's say you have a fear of bees; if you PROJECTED, you would put your fear of bees on ME, and say that I had a fear of bees, when in fact I do not have a fear of bees. So, if you think someone ELSE can't have genuinely platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, that's more likely than not YOUR PROJECTION of your OWN issues onto that other person. THEY are probably not thinking about sex AT ALL regarding their friends, but YOU ARE, so what does that tell you?

Communication

The way we learn to communicate while we're growing up is the way we communicate as adults. If we learn several methods of communication, and several modes of communication, then we can connect with other human beings easily. We have a greater chance of being able to connect with different individuals in the mode of communication THEY can relate to.
But if we only learn one or two modes of communication, we may not be communicating our wants and needs to others effectively, and we may not be understanding the communications of others either.

If we only know how to communicate in language and expression that sounds extremely "sweet" and "heartfelt", then we may not be understood by those who communicate without injecting EXTRA "sweetness". We also may not understand them either, and we may interpret their more informational tone as "abrasive", when it's actually just neutral.

If we only learned how to communicate by making announcements at others, we may not know how to reciprocate effectively; we may ignore what others are saying unless they are also "making announcements".

If we were taught that communication is more of a social status display than about actual sharing of information, we will probably see the communications of others toward us as attempts at domination and control over us, or as displays of submission and concession toward us. We may not comprehend that many others are simply sharing neutral information, and are waiting for us to reciprocate.

If we learned to communicate using aggressive tones and hostile expression, we might see that as our "normal" baseline, and anyone who does not communicate that way we may misinterpret as "shy", or "too quiet", "fearful", or even "controlling" or "arrogant". We may not realize that we come off sounding demanding and hostile, we just think we're "talking normally".

We may realize that we are going in circles with communication with someone else because they are speaking a different "language" than we are. Sometimes that other "language" is more of a game than actual communication, which the other person may not want to stop playing in order to hear what you're trying to communicate.

It is possible and not difficult to learn more about communicating, it just takes a desire to find out about it, and the ability to listen and hear without judgment and bias.

WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I NEED! (?)

"WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I NEED! IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE, HOW IT AFFECTS ANYTHING OR ANYONE, OR IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG, OR EVEN IF IT'S GOOD FOR ME OR NOT, AND WHOEVER SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE IN MY WAY BETWEEN ME AND WHAT I WANT IS GOING TO GET PLOWED OVER."

~Sincerely, any given Narcissist

The definition of "Narcissism" refers to being enamored with one's self. So the classical and original definition is talking about a person who is so obsessed with his or her own self that he or she is oblivious to the rest of the world and the people in it. Like when we are so focused on something that the rest of the world "fades away", but the thing that Narcissists are focused on like that is their own self. Love of their own self, admiration of their own self, adulation and adoration of their own self, the way movie stars are often humorously depicted.

That's the original, classical definition. So a person in this definition could be a "Narcissist", but never hurt a soul, except for the lack of reciprocation in personal relationships. But if no one chose to be in a relationship with this person, then no one would get hurt. You can picture them in their dressing room, or in their office, or in their home, preening in front of the mirror, making goo-goo eyes, winking, and blowing air kisses at themselves. This kind of Narcissist doesn't have the time or the desire to go out of their way to hurt someone else, they just want to be loved. They may live alone, or have a servant staff, and they might fire servants who aren't up to the task of being very good at their jobs, or who display disrespect or disdain (which is unprofessional anyway). But they may take very good "care" of their servants too, and still be this kind of Narcissist. Their main "fault" is that they're unaware of any reality that is outside of their own personal experience, and therefore will not even KNOW that someone else might need support or help, or even friendship, that they could be giving.

So this is the basic definition of Narcissism. Being enamored with one's self exclusively.

The Narcissism that is most often written about and talked about currently is not that definition, but a more active and hostile kind. This person may or may not be "in love" with themselves, but they see others as "below" them. They treat others like they are lesser creatures than themselves, and hold themselves up above. They are reactive, hostile, and try to MAKE others give them what they want, whatever that may be. They seem to think that the only purpose that most other people are on earth is "lower" than their own purpose, and are there to serve them. To give them what they desire, what they demand, what they need, and what they want, and give it NOW. People who don't seem to fill a purpose for the narcissist are looked at as "useless" and barely real.

Some narcissists, but not all, see other living creatures this way too; they're only good for what the Narcissist can use them for. If they can't use them for something, they might as well be wiped out. Some even get pleasure out of killing, and rationalize it by saying "it had to be done", which they know full well is b.s., they just enjoyed the act of destroying something that was alive. (That's sociopath domination behavior. If you have an ant infestation in your house, you do something about it, you might have to exterminate if nothing else works; if you go killing ants that live away from anyone's home, that's something completely different.)

Many narcissists will destroy a natural environment, a local ecosystem, the last remnant of land in a given town, or fill in a natural water body in order to build something for themselves. There could be 10 vacant buildings in the same town, but they won't use them. They might also destroy a historic landmark to build their own thing on that site, instead of using another site somewhere else. They'll rationalize and justify it somehow....But it's quite obviously a simple apish display of "domination" and "power".

On the flip side of that, other Narcissists who's agenda is "save the environment" will attack others, or destroy the businesses and lives of people, purposely, in order to "demonstrate" their "cause". They will even endanger the lives of animals they're supposedly "saving" by letting them go free in a world where they will starve or be killed.

The fact is there are quite a few narcissistic people, a lot more than the published statistics. It takes different forms because of the different desires that each individual Narcissist has. It always come down to one thing: "WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I NEED ARE THE SAME THING! AND IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE, HOW IT AFFECTS ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE, OR IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG, OR EVEN IF IT'S GOOD FOR ME OR NOT, AND WHOEVER SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE IN MY WAY BETWEEN ME AND WHAT I WANT IS GOING TO GET PLOWED OVER, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE."