How You Need To Heal

How you need to heal is how you need to heal.
If you're worried about what you're doing to heal, that it might not be helping, then just look at it objectively again, and look at where you are.
Sometimes we need to do a certain thing for a while in order to get from A to B. When we've reached B, we might not need that walking stick anymore. Maybe there's a different walking stick, or maybe there's a bench.
The one thing we can rely on is that there's always another letter.. we got from A to B in our recovery, so we sat on the bench because it was exhausting. Then we walked from B to C, and noticed how beautiful the flowers there were, and it lifted our spirits. Then we went to D, and it was grey and dismal, and it felt like we were going to be trapped there, until something made us jump, and we got out of there and ended up at E... which was lovely, and we met a new friend there.
Whatever it took for us to get from one point to the next is what it took.
Sometimes when we get to the next letter, we look at one of our walking sticks and we realize it's been making us limp, or giving us blisters, or even giving us poison Ivy, but we didn't know why we were feeling like crap until that moment we realized it was that one stick. So that's the point we noticed it, and that's fine. So we don't need or want it anymore and we just throw it in the woods.

There's another one if we need it, they're all over the place.

Then we get to F and it's crappy again, and it seems like everything is crappy, and we're stuck here forever, and the journey has been for nothing.
Then... eventually... the sun rises, the clouds part, a good song comes on the radio, and we remember that we're on a journey, and that we've never been to G, it might be fantastic.
It also might suck.
But if it sucks, then there's always H... I... J... K...

And when we do get to Z, we start a new alphabet, one that we don't even know about yet, because we have yet to see it. 

It's Not You, It's Them

If a person seems bored when you talk, don't assume it's about you. Are they happy when they get to talk, and tell you all their stories? There are a lot of people who are bored when other people talk, even annoyed. They usually have certain people who they'll listen to with rapt attention, but it's not because of what those people SAY, it's because of what those people REPRESENT to them. If you watch, you'll see the pattern. They probably only really listen to certain people who are on TV or Radio, or who are famous or well-known for something else. They're not bored with you because you're BORING, they're bored when you talk because you're not a celebrity, and they don't see you as "An Important Person". It's got nothing to do with you; it's a celebrity fixation. They are getting a neurochemical reward when they "listen to" people who are on some kind of stage, and who others listen to as well. (If you ask them about it they will probably deny it or feel embarrassed; no need; it's not about changing them, it's just about what's happening.)

Another common pattern is people who only listen to people who remind them of PARENTAL FIGURES. That can look like anything, but the usual pattern is someone who is taller, someone who has a "mature" look to their face and body, someone who dresses neatly or expensively, and people who's voice sounds "decisive" or "confident". None of those things mean ANYTHING real about a person, but they LOOK LIKE "parental figures" or even "teachers" from a child's point of view. Adults often retain this fixed point of view, no matter how smart and mature they seem otherwise. So basically, if your appearance, your height, your voice, and your face does not remind them of a PARENT, TEACHER, or other authority figure from their childhood, they will probably NOT listen to you or take you seriously. That's not "YOU", that's THEM. It's a fixed, immature point of view. You could have two PhDs in Botany Biology, and they would ignore what you say about their orchids, but listen to their neighbor about it who's never raised orchids in her life, just because she's tall and dresses a certain way. (If she has flattered them at any point, that's even more reward for them; most kids love it when the teacher gives them extra positive attention or praise.)

Another reason they get bored or antsy when it's YOU talking, or sharing information, and not them, is because they just want you to be their audience and/or their support, they don't want to have to give it BACK. They're the kid who always wants to play the same character in the game of Pretend...

"I get to be the rock star, and you be the audience!"
"But you were the rock star last time! And the time before that!"
"I get to be the rock star, or I don't wanna play."
"...okay...fine... but next time, I get to be the rock star..."

Of course when next time comes, that kid will squirm and act bored so you feel uncomfortable playing the "rock star", so you give up, and then that kid gets what he/she wanted in the first place: "Either I get to be the rock star, or I don't wanna play."
Funny how it doesn't occur to a lot of us to just dump that kid because they're not a good friend, they give us more stress than friendship. Maybe we were told to be "more understanding" of the kid when we complained about it to an adult.

And yet another reason why they don't seem to listen to you or have interest in what you say or do, don't remember important things about you, or don't seem to care about how disrespectfully they treat you, is because they have internalized BIASES, or fixed stereotypes and gender role issues.
SO... for example...only ONE SEX gets to tell stories, the other one is boring when they tell stories.
Only ONE SEX gets to be knowledgeable, the other doesn't know what they're talking about.
ONE SEX gets believed WAY TOO MUCH, and the other sex gets dismissed and disbelieved all the time.
ONE SEX gets to be "LEADER", and the other sex is just "trying to boss people around" whenever they don't act submissively, or even when they are the ACTUAL "boss" of a company.
ONE SEX gets to be "funny", the other sex is not "allowed" to be funny, and any jokes or cracks they make will be ignored, unrecognized, called "dumb", or "over their head".
If they have SEX BIAS and prejudice, they probably ALSO have other internalized biases and stereotypes based on the appearances and bodies of other people (like race, weight, height, etc.)
AGAIN, it's not YOU, it's THEM.

There are other reasons that a person will seem bored and annoyed when you talk that are more about their mental, physical, and emotional health than their maturity or personality. Like when someone is dealing with trauma or serious anxiety, they really want and need to be heard, so much that they just don't have the capacity to be a "listener".
To put it in perspective, a person who just got fired is probably not going to be in any shape to LISTEN to someone else's problems, but they're going to need someone to listen to them, to be their friend, who won't interrupt them, give them "advice", or divert the conversation back to themselves when they TELL their STORY about what happened. They need to tell their story, and be listened to, and heard. Getting fired from one job might not be a big deal to one person, but getting fired from another job might be quite traumatic for someone else.
A person could be on medication, or could be suffering from dementia, or could be scared, or have severe anxiety or depression, or have chronic or severe pain, or have a health issue.

Whatever it is, when people seem BORED when you talk, annoyed when you talk, don't remember things you say or things about you, or when they don't take you seriously (regardless of your experience or knowledge),  it's USUALLY THEIR "ISSUE", it's not about YOU. They're not giving you accurate feedback, they're reacting according to issues they have, from within themselves.

Maybe the next time someone treats you like you're boring or inexperienced, or apparently not interesting or important enough to treat respectfully, don't just notice it as far as your feelings go; take it another step further, and assess THEM and THEIR state of "boringness", instead of allowing the apparent "assessment" to be directed only at YOU. (If they're assessing you as "boring" or "not boring", "annoying" or "not annoying", isn't it only right and fair that you should return the favor?)

Will I Get Treated Better When I'm Successful?

No matter WHAT a person accomplishes, the Narcissists in their life will behave as if it's 'nothing'. They wiil continue to simply NOT acknowledge the person, their efforts, skill, talent, work, or their achievements, big or small.

If there is a Narcissist in the life of any famous, very successful, or "genius" person you can think of, you can bet they're treating them the same way. (With the exception of Narcissists who are trying to get something from them with flattery.)

Real friends are real friends, no matter how poor or rich, how famous or unknown we are, or how much success we have seen (or not).

"What's that? You won something? Oh for that little movie you made, haha, what was it called? Star something... you had some kind of giant teddy bear thing in it, right? And that guy with the mask, yeah my friend Bob makes masks like that, only his are really detailed... So I took my car into the shop today and I'm gonna need you to give me a ride when they call... What party.. what do you mean an award ceremony, why can't they just mail it to you? No I don't wanna dress up for a stupid party...I'm not paying for a cab, just make sure you're around today, I'm sure the party can wait."

Anxiety, Depression, and Feeling Ineffective

Feeling "ineffective" is one of the contributors to anxiety and depression.

One feels like they aren't really capable of contributing, of helping, of making a difference, of achieving, of building, of success, or of affecting positive change, either for themselves or others.

Projecting "incapable" and "ineffective" onto a Target is a behavior found in Narcissistic abuse.

Freedom Of Speech

Rejection

Six Things You Should Quit To Be More Successful

Great article IMHO, click the link:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/glassheel/2013/10/01/6-things-you-should-quit-to-be-more-successful/

Be Who You IS : Recovery

A large part of Recovery is learning to "be yourself", either again or for the first time, and do what makes you "you", regardless of the lack of acknowledgement, praise, approval, or even basic courtesy and respect from people around you.

They don't seem to like that you love to play music, do it anyway.
YOU love to play music, that's what's important.

They don't seem to like you going to back to college? Do it anyway. Learning more about what you're interested in is a healthy interest and activity.

They don't like your career pursuits? (crime or putting others in danger notwithstanding)  Do it anyway. You are the one who is living your one and precious life, not them.

They don't seem to like or approve of your caring for children, animals, "the needy", abuse victims, or the ill or handicapped? Do it anyway. They apparently don't share or understand your compassion, so what, you probably don't understand their LACK of compassion or care, either. It's your life, do what you need to do, what you want to do, what you feel is right.

They don't like your skills, hobbies, or interests because it doesn't line up with their expectations of you as a man, or you as a woman? Or you as whatever your body type and size is, or your race, or your coloring?
DO IT ANYWAY.
DO PROTECT yourself from narcissistic behavior such as sabotage, threats, and attack, because it's common for Narcissists to actually feel threatened by those who don't abide by their biased expectations toward race, sex, or even body type.
(They want the behavior to match their expectations of others based on the way a person looks; if it doesn't, they can actually feel threatened and react. Don't let this STOP YOU from being your authentic self. Just have awareness. If you feel threatened, remember it's about THEM, not you, and you can feel justified in leaving their "reach" or seeking allies so you can continue pursuing your interests.)

They try to shut down your voice, your expression, your opinion? Do it anyway, and maybe do it louder and more clearly.
Ask yourself this: do they try to ridicule or shut down anyone else's 'voice'? How would they react if you, or someone else, did or said the same things to them?
We all make mistakes in judgment, and none of us know everything, in fact most of us know very little~
so there is NO ONE who's voice, opinion, and observations will be "correct" all the time, no matter how LOUD they talk, or how successful, wealthy, or famous they are. If they're not getting "shut down", then there's no validity to shutting you down, even if something you said wasn't "perfect".
(All you need to do is read many famous song lyrics to drive this point home. Listening to the radio (DJ's and talk radio hosts), and watching a LOT of television shows also demonstrates this point very clearly.)

Learning to BE OURSELVES regardless of the reactions, lack of acknowledgement, lack of approval or even attempts to stop us is a very important part of Recovery.

"Be who you is, cuz if you be what you ain't, then you ain't what you is."

About Diagnoses, Human Health, Psychiatry, and Compartmentalization

neu·rol·o·gy 
n.
The medical science that deals with the nervous system and disorders affecting it.

psy·chi·a·try 
n.
The branch of medicine that deals with the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of mental and emotional disorders.

an·thro·pol·o·gy  (nthr-pl-j)
n.
1. The scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans.

psy·chol·o·gy  (s-kl-j)
n. pl. psy·chol·o·gies
1. The science that deals with mental processes and behavior.
2. The emotional and behavioral characteristics of an individual, group, or activity

med·i·cine  (md-sn)
n.
1.
a. The science of diagnosing, treating, or preventing disease and other damage to the body or mind.
b. The branch of this science encompassing treatment by drugs, diet, exercise, and other nonsurgical means.


One may wonder why these five things are not automatically cooperatively tied together when diagnosing and testing a patient. And one would be right to wonder.

Don't blame all doctors, therapists, or scientists; many of them wonder the same thing.

Many feel frustrated, and feel like their "hands are tied", how does one keep one's career intact and fight political and control agendas at the same time?

Political agendas have a lot to do with it, as does the arrogance and ignorance of certain individuals in several related or connected fields, including insurance, administration, and government, and not excluding colleges and universities.

The science of treating the health of a human being can not and should not be compartmentalized as if all the fields are isolated and not related to one another. That would be like building a rocket or a space shuttle with each contributor, each specialty, each engineer, each physicist, each administrator, and each scientist NOT collaborating or communicating, cooperating, or comparing notes with one another, simply working on their own "thing" in isolation, or just barely communicating with one another, and then expecting the shuttle to just WORK.  
That would be insane, terribly dangerous, and a huge waste of time and money. The odds of the rocket or shuttle being constructed properly and safely would be nil.

Even building a small house is a cooperative effort between all of the specialized subcontractors.

Investigations into something that went "wrong" in either a shuttle OR a house is also a cooperative effort; you don't JUST investigate the plumbing, or JUST the electrical system. And then if there's nothing wrong there, just claim that there's nothing wrong at all (while the floor caves in or a fire starts in a wall.)

If a person is diagnosed with "Borderline Personality Disorder", for example, how many neurological tests using the latest equipment and knowledge were conducted BEFORE they were put on serious medication, or given ECT (shock) treatments?

Was their family dynamic fully investigated and reviewed? Their medical records, their full history?

What about the rest of their physical health? Were they fully examined? (Were they given one of those superficial 'exams' where their heartbeat and lungs were listened to and their basic vitals taken, but nothing further?)

Was anything at all investigated before the patient was given the diagnosis, besides a couple of visits to a psychologist or psychiatrist?
Or are they being stamped with a stigmatic label, given serious medication, and/or given shock treatments based on less real information than a person would have to give to obtain a mortgage?

HOW MUCH investigation was done on the patient, the patient's environment both physical and human, the patient's overall physical health, the patient's cultural upbringing and ancestry, and the patient's full history, BEFORE the diagnosis and treatment?

(Implying that any person who is not a professional psychiatrist, neurologist, medical doctor or government official has no right to ask these questions, and has no idea what they're talking about, IS, actually, a Narcissistic defensive reaction, as is coming up with justifications for the way things are. The health and life of an individual Human Being is much, much more important than administrative hurtles, professional reputations, the career trajectory of an individual, a person's ego and identity as an Expert, poltical and government agendas, or the money a person, an institution, or a company makes.)

About Narcissism In General

Those with Narcissism don't try to make, maintain, or repair connections with others unless they're motivated by gain or fear. The concern for another's well-being, for no other reason than the person's well-being, is not in their schedule.

Nor is protecting another, helping another, standing up for another, or supporting another, for any reason other than their own gain or defense.

Many who are afflicted with Narcissism for whatever reason will project their own perceptions and motives onto others, apparently believing that everyone has the same self-serving-based agenda, and that no one is genuinely altruistic or empathetic, and that everyone is always motivated only by gain or fear.
Ironically, without the ability empathize, they are not able to imagine having a different point of view than their own, or that it's possible to have a different point of view than their own and not be "crazy" or "wrong".

The ability to empathize has been linked to specific grey matter areas in the brain, and the presence of "mirror neurons'. So technically, a lack of mirror neurons in a person's brain is neurological, not psychiatric, and should be taken much more seriously by the larger scientific and medical community.
BUT, probably won't be, since the goals of Narcissists within science and medicine are often to occupy positions of authority and control. In other words, a Narcissist who gains the power to divert or shut down research on the neurology of Narcissism would, of course, do just that, to protect themselves.

Normal Frustration Reaction Or Something Deeper

There are a lot of people who don't display traits or behaviors that seem dysfunctional, abusive, or Narcissistic until they're in a situation that "tests" their ability to empathize, care for others, or be responsible for someone or something. Many of us who have anxiety issues are aware of a similar issue; no anxiety at all, calm confidence and even-keeled focus until we find ourselves suddenly dealing with a certain situation or circumstance.
For most of us, fortunately, we can heal our 'dysfunctions' or 'issues' when we find out that we have them, and often a situation that we find difficult to deal with is just a matter of our needing more experience or understanding.
But for some people, the behaviors and 'issues' that seem to suddenly appear when they're dealing with a specific situation is not simply an emotional or anxious reaction to difficulty that will get better when they get a handle on themselves or on the situation. Rage and aggression toward others, cruelty, deliberate sabotage, deliberate slander or libel, threatening another with bodily harm, removal of another person's shelter or resources, restriction of another adult's freedom, physically restraining or controlling another adult, aggression toward a child, elder, or ill, injured, or 'handicapped' person, or deliberate abandonment are some of the behaviors that are not simply 'emotional reactions' to difficulty or frustration. The reasons behind these behaviors vary, but they aren't just 'frustration'. They're signals that there is something deeper going on with the person.
We should not, however, jump to conclusions about what the person's "issues" actually are. What looks like PTSD at first could turn out to be brain damage, or what we think is Narcissism could turn out to be PTSD, etc., etc.  What we can do, however, is make sure that we are safe, and that others around the person are safe, especially children, elderly people, and anyone else who might not be able to defend themselves against the person's behaviors.
When we're sure we're safe, then we can contact professional physicians, psychologists, or psychiatrists about the person's behaviors, (preferably a person whom we already know and trust to be objective, professional, helpful and competent.)

Hypocrisy Vs. Stupidity

'Hypocrisy' is when a husband whines at his wife for spending the same amount of money on wine as he spends on beer.
 
'Stupidity' is when the husband buys into believing that because she's a woman, she's not going to like the beer.


'Hypocrisy' is when a female employer who 'fought sexism to get to the top' only hires women she doesn't think are attractive, and men she is attracted to.

'Stupidity' is when that female employer thinks that no one noticed.


'Hypocrisy' is when a person who protests racism treats only members of his or her own race with respect, decency, and courtesy.

'Stupidity' is when that person thinks there's nothing hypocritical about their behavior.


'Hypocrisy' is when a religion calls for humility as the cornerstone of its belief system, and then builds a hierarchy with positions of status, and calls the members of one race or sex 'superior' over others.

'Stupidity' is the failure to make the connection about why it's hypocritical, or why hypocrisy matters.

Humility

Humility is the single most difficult thing for a human being to achieve, or if and when we do achieve it, maintain it for any length of time.

 If you want to test yourself, just pick out a few complete strangers, or a few acquaintances, and then just briefly jot (write) down what you think you understand that they can't possibly understand.
Jot down what you think their intelligence level is, and their natural abilities.
Jot down what you think their political views are, and their beliefs.
Jot down what you think their education level is.
Jot down what you think their basic life experiences have been up to now.

After you're finished, read over your list.
Ask yourself why you think you know these things
about people you don't know.

Most of us think very, very highly of our ability to assess other people, both those we "know", and those we don't "know".  And we don't even care about finding out whether we're right or not, we just believe whatever we tell ourselves about other people, and treat them accordingly.


We humans were born with an instinct for self-preservation, and a feeling of satisfaction from dominating objects and mastering tasks.

We were also born with an instinct to eat living things. Nothing, except for water, was not alive before we consumed it, and so we must feel that we have the right to kill what was alive in order to sustain ourselves, in order to survive. Many humans are in denial about it, but it's a fact. Humans can not live on stones, crystals, or air molecules, or on water alone. Therefore we must dominate other living things in order to live ourselves, like nearly every other creature on Earth.

We were also born as social animals who naturally live in groups to survive, just like Chimpanzees, our closest relative. Because of this, we tend to create clans and tribes.
Within these clans we tend to create hierarchies similar to Chimpanzees, even though we don't need to. Because our intellect is high enough that we can achieve the maturity to live in full cooperation with, and support of, every member.

And yet, most humans do not let their intellect lead them, but instead their neuro-chemistry which gives them little squirts of feel-good chemicals when they dominate something or someone, or when they THINK they're dominating something or someone.

We are, as a species, evolved enough to control ourselves and live intelligently, in cooperation, peace, and support.

And yet, there are so many individuals within the species who follow the trail that getting high on their own chemicals leads them, that they sabotage that goal, constantly.

Humility is the requirement for the goal of peace.

But there are too many human individuals who would rather get high on hormones and neurotransmitters than have peace.



Neurotransmitters

Disagreement And Being RIGHT

Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they're wrong, nor does it mean they're right. It doesn't mean anything except that you are each looking at the same thing from different points of view. The 'truth' isn't subject to your opinion or point of view, or to the other person's; it remains regardless of who is trying to see it through their myopic and fuzzy human vision.

Now That's Funny! Laughing In The Face Of Control Freaks: Bugs Bunny's Best Bits

Here's one of the things that happened in the nineties:
television was taken over by a couple of "moguls", and intelligent dry humor shows (like Looney Tunes, among others) that laughed in the face of greed, ego, and control-freakism was, of course, removed and buried. So, anyone too young to know any differently did NOT watch hilarious, light hearted, dry-witted cartoons in the mornings or on Saturday, accompanied by elaborate musical orchestration, and therefore were not exposed to the wonderful lessons about Ego, Control, Boundaries, and NOT taking themselves (or others) SO SERIOUSLY. 
Instead, they were exposed to shows who's main characters had ego issues and took everything as some kind of giant world-ending mission, with no light heartedness or ability to DEAL WITH ADVERSITY in sight. We had those too, but we also had THESE to help us learn to LAUGH, and WHAT TO TAKE SERIOUSLY, and what NOT TO TAKE SERIOUSLY. 
OBVIOUSLY, that's been lost in our cultures in a BIG WAY. 

Kids who did learn the lessons, or who did get to see these shows regularly, were lucky.

Someone explain to me why people keep putting other humans on pedestals like they're gods? What is this, Greek Mythology?
Almost everyone has a politician that they think is some kind of super-hero or prophet, or if not a politician then an actor, a talk show host, or a musician, and everything that person says and does is WONDERFUL and PERFECT and HIGH ABOVE everyone else... Great Leader... Savior... who never has an errant or silly thought or makes wrong decisions...

But so then they have to have VILLAINS who are the "enemy", or the nemesis of their prophet/super-hero/chosen one... 

Seriously, what is the freaking deal?
Too many Super Hero movies or Cowboy TV shows?
Cop shows?
Soaps?
Iron Man movies?
Too many Charlton Heston films?
Maybe it's from CSI...
Maybe it's CARTOONS or Anime.


Bugs Bunny and his Looney Tune buddies used to make huge fun of hero-worship, now those were some funny freaking cartoons.

Good grief, human beings are JUST HUMAN BEINGS.
There's no Great Leader who's the Savior Of The World, unless you're thinking of GOD, and God isn't a human, so...
What is so hard about accepting the fact that ALL humans are JUST HUMANS?
Same as you, me, and everyone else, no deities, no Angel-like savior, not a single one of us with "all the answers", and every single one of us making HUGE MISTAKES and errors in judgement, no matter how famous someone is or how dazzling someone's smile is.

....Or how they look so "rugged and wise" at the same time... Or how tall they are... or how nice their tie matches their big doe eyes... or that they're wearing those cool glasses... 

It's amazing to me how many poets, writers, songwriters and philosophers SAID NOT TO make them into "gods" or "saviors", not to put them up on pedestals, to PLEASE JUST HEAR what they were saying, and what do people do? They turn around and do exactly the opposite, making them into Idols instead of LISTENING to their message. Especially after the person dies. Extremely hypocritical and disrespectful to the person, ignoring what their WHOLE POINT was.
What is the point of hero-worshiping a person who's message was "Don't Hero-worship other human beings" ?!

(Oh and by the way, those of you who don't like it, who complain when other people post observations and opinions, LOL, who suddenly decide they "can't stand" a person because they don't align with your comfort zone... how about moving somewhere where there's no internet, Facebook, or free speech? You might be happier there. I'm sure they'll let you join the local government so you can help them tell people what to say, or how much and how often they should speak.)

You Should Express The Feelings I Want You To Express, Not Your Own Real Ones, Little Girl...

You Should Smile More! ...

"I’ve always found it really curious that most men, when confronted about this, will fall back on claiming that they just wanted to compliment her. They don’t see that trying to make someone smile is an attempt to control her. And while they usually deny any sexual component to their actions, I can’t help but notice how much more often it happens to women that these guys find attractive. If the frequency and tone of your compliments correlates with how attractive you think someone is, you don’t get to pretend that there’s nothing sexual about your motivations, whether you actually want to have sex with her or not. Expecting women you think are attractive to perform femininity for you is one of the many sexist microagressions that reinforce gender inequities. Stop it. You’re making the world a worse place."

Charlie Glickman talks about the difficulty many men have with managing their own emotions, and the expectation that women will do it for them.

Competing For The "Good Person" Badge

When we think of being a "good person", we tend to imagine that everyone holds about the same picture 

of what that means in their

 imaginations. 

But the truth is, every one of us holds a
 unique mental image
  of what being a "good person" looks and sounds like. 

Most of us do share a few basic opinions and expectations about it. 

But if every person were to write their own list, in order, of all  the things that make a 
"good person",

without peeking at the lists of others, 

every person would have written down a unique list of 

traits, behaviors, and beliefs. 

Certainly many things on those lists might be the same, 

but that's not the same thing as being 

identical.

So... who's list would be the right list?

Mine?

Yours?

My grandmother's?

Your cousin's?

The minister at the Baptist Church,

or the priest at the Catholic Church,

or the pastor at the Lutheran Church?

Do we really believe that our own list, 

(or any other human's), 

would be the same as God's?

Or even that our list would be identical

to someone else's, 

living or dead,

human or not,

whom we admire or look up to?  

What about the Tibetan monks who live in the next town, is one of theirs the right list?

How about the person with the most sobriety time at the local AA? They're a good candidate.

What about the first grade teacher down the street, or the baseball coach on the other block?

How about the cleaning staff at the local hospital?

What about the nurses there?

The doctors?

How about the President of the US? 

The Prime Minister of another country?

If everyone's list is unique,

(when they don't peek at the lists of others), 

(and they would be), 

then which person gets the "BEST GOOD PERSON" Award?

 

Are we still in the running for the award if we resent other people, envy them, or judge them critically?

 



Perhaps, there is a lesson there for each of us.

And what lesson would that be?

 It would be for each of us to figure out for ourselves.

Important People

You are one of the capable people.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who's observations are worthy.
So am I.

You are one of the people who matter.
So am I.

Your plans are in the "important plans" category.
So are mine.

You are one of the people who is capable of expertise.
So am I.

You are one of the people who is experienced and knowledgeable.
So am I.

You are one of the people who learns whatever skill you actually focus on.
So am I.

You are one of the people who's talent is a gift to the world.
So am I.

You are one of those people who others want around.
So am I.

You are one of the people who's self-care is very important.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who deserves to be treated with fairness and justice.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who has natural spirituality.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who is capable of separating your emotional reactions from your behavior and actions.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who has strength of spirit, of heart, and of mind.
And so am I.

I am one of the people who gets on other people's nerves sometimes, not because I treat them poorly or ignore common courtesy and respect toward them, but because I'm more focused on living my real life than on fitting in... which is perfectly normal and healthy "human".
Most likely, so are you.

I am one of the people who makes mistakes, and who has the right and privilege of making mistakes, owning them, laughing about them or not, and learning from them.

~Who forgets things, and has the right and privilege of allowing for and openly viewing my mistakes and imperfections, because I'm an organic, living human person, not a robot.
~Who can't see every possible future outcome, because it's not possible for a human, and therefore can not make the actual "best decision" or "perfect choice"; there will always, always be consequence to any decision or choice I make, and every decision, including refusing to make a decision, leads to something else that's unforeseeable, for good or for ill; usually both.

I am one of those people, and so are you.


I am one of those people who has the ability to cause pain, sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and anxiety for others, whether I intend to or not; I am one of the people with that kind of 'power'.
I have the right and privilege to feel guilt or remorse, for intended or unintended hurts toward others.
I have the right and freedom to recognize and admit hurts I have caused toward others, to apologize, to make amends. 

I am one of those people, and so are you.


I am one of those people who has the privilege to stand up for themselves when someone else is behaving unfairly, inconsiderately, or with hostility toward me.

And so are you.


I am one of those people who has the right and privilege to privacy, to autonomy, to make my own decisions and choices, and to live my own, authentic life.

And so are you.

My emotions are all real and valid, and my opinions and preferences are my own, and not subject to anyone else's control or dictation.

And so are yours.

I am one of the people who is capable of seeing things from several points of view.

And so are you.

I am one of the people who has lived through chaos, trauma, abuse and injustice, and has survived to tell about it, and will keep on surviving, learning and learning about myself and the world around me, learning and learning about how to LIVE and FIND PEACE and JOY in a world that's filled with unequal amounts of ridiculous, unnecessary ugliness from my own species, and spectacular, incredible beauty both from my own species and the rest of all there is.

I am one of those people who has learned and is still learning that there is much more beauty in this world than ugliness, it's all around me and within me, all of the time.
I am one of those people who has learned and is still learning to remember that I have full access to to that eternal, ever-present beauty, all of the time, no matter what else is happening. 

And so are you.

~<3 p="">


~M.Black 2014





 

Negative Feedback Loop: Narcissistic Abuse

A negative feedback-loop is created when one is in any kind of relationship with a person who has narcissism. The feedback they give to a target is not reflective of what the target is actually doing and saying, nor is it reflective of the target's real character or person, nor of the target's real life. Feedback from a person with narcissism is often skewed in the negative, or they may purposely withhold feedback that would be considered normal.

So if a target was building a brick wall, the narcissist would not simply acknowledge it like a non-narc. would. They wouldn't say "Hey Sarah nice job on that wall. You look like you could use some iced tea!"

Instead, they might imply that the wall isn't plumb, or they might give Sarah "advice" (about anything at all that they can think of, from the way she's wearing her hair, to the kind of gloves she has on, to the brand of mortar, to the way she's mixing it, to a better way to lay the bricks).

They might imply that the project is silly, or in the wrong spot, or is going to get in the way of something else.

They might give "back-handed compliments", in order to get away with saying that they are shocked that 'weak, ignorant, lazy' Sarah could "pull off such a feat".

They might imply that Sarah isn't working fast enough (a favorite go-to insult; they may think it makes them sound grown-up  or more responsible or skilled compared to the target.)

They will probably bring up their uncle, cousin, friend from third grade, neighbor, or sister who's an "EXPERT MASON"... (implying that Sarah falls short of "expert" or "skilled", and that the person they're associating themselves with is much more experienced... regardless of the reality of either the other person's experience or Sarah's. An N. would do that regardless of Sarah's level of expertise, because reality is not a factor for them.).

They might talk down to her as if she's STUCK UP, because "she thinks she's so great", because she's doing something that they don't do, or don't know how to do.

They might keep interrupting her, again behaving as if she's lounging by the pool, trying to get her to perform other tasks.

Some N's would even physically sabotage the work, or try to push her out of the way in order to "prove" that they can do it better.

They might spread negative rumors that they simply make up,  having to do with Sarah building the wall.

Some N's might behave as if there IS NO WALL, and that Sarah is NOT in the middle of building a wall, and speak to her as if she's sitting with a drink by the pool (lazing around).

But what a person with Narcissism probably WON'T do is speak to Sarah in an accurate feedback exchange, which might sound something like the aforementioned phrasing, or maybe "Hey looks good! You want something to drink? If you need anything let me know!" (or even light banter, like "if you need anything, I'll be lounging by the pool..." would be nice, pleasant feedback.)

If Sarah asked them to count how many bags of mortar are left, they might purposely LIE, or just glance at the bags and give her a number. (Inaccurate feedback).
If Sarah asked them to hold the level, they might tip it just a little so it looks like the wall isn't straight.
If Sarah asked them what time the hardware store closes, they might make something up, but they probably would not give her the right time, UNLESS they were arguing with her about what time it closes.
If she asked them what they thought of the wall, they would probably NOT give her a straight, honest answer, they would probably criticize and make it negative, regardless of how good it actually looked. 

Neutral, accurate, respectful, and genuinely positive feedback is a rarity for a Narcissist.
Even if they do achieve it, they'll often get some kind of criticism, advice, or control comment in there right afterward. 

It doesn't have to take prolonged exposure to this negative feedback loop to cause confusion and other issues that affect a target's mental and emotional health, it can cause problems such as anxiety pretty quickly.