Arguments And "Winning"

When you don't have the same point of view as someone else, it doesn't mean they want to "argue" or "win" or convince you that they're "right".
Everything is not about winning and losing, everything is not a competition.
You can BOTH be right, or you can BOTH be wrong, or one of you can be right and one can be wrong, WHO CARES?
What's important is the actual information or solution, not WHO is "right". 
If that's the most important thing, then the solution will probably never be found, and the relationship with the person will probably just get ground up.

Narcissism is...

People who have Narcissism:

have expectations about everything and everyone, most of the time, which are much higher for others than they are for themselves, with the exception of specific goals they want to achieve.

believe that the world is THEIR "oyster", and only a certain elite few also get to share that privilege. But they see most of the people they know as existing in "supporting roles", characters in their play or a fellow Elite Person's play, not as having the same kind rights or deserving of the same "privileges" as themselves.

are trapped in various childhood developmental stages, having internalized them and solidified them in their personality (often because they felt good) instead of maturing past them.

usually see people as living in a Hierarchy, with various levels of "natural Status", often in the shape of a pyramid. So there are few at the very top who are superior humans with entitlement to authority and some kind of "natural power". With each descending level people have less and less "deserved status", and less and less entitlement to power or control, all the way to the bottom.

tend to believe that they can assess what "level" a person belongs to (in their mind) by looking at them or hearing them speak.

tend to like for others near them to be on lower status levels (in their minds) than themselves, so they can feel "above" them, and therefore feel entitled to control, recognition, service, extra respect, and extra leeway.

do not have much of an "inner life"; when they're relaxing, they're not meditating or pondering, they're mostly just "blank": no thoughts, no observation of their own thoughts or feelings, no reviewing their day or their interactions with others, no contemplating or appreciating the beauty of the world around them. Relaxation means "nothingness".

like to control others by instigating and provoking various emotions.

like to control situations and people by triangulating, provoking, and orchestrating the movements, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and relationships between others.

like to control specifically targeted people with lies, threats, gaslighting, verbal or physical abuse, sabotage, manipulation, and slander.

will throw any person at all "under a bus", including their own child, to avoid consequences for themselves or to gain something.

will cross the country or the ocean for a personal gain, but won't cross the street to help someone (unless there's a gain in it). 

believe that any and all of their achievements, plans, and problems are more important and more valid than any and all of the achievements, plans, or problems of others.

react on a regular basis with envy and resentment toward others.

react to other people's hardship or emotional pain or frustration with defensiveness.

only seek connection with many of the people in their lives when they're bored or lonely, but otherwise treat those same people like they're "bothering them" when they're not bored or lonely.

need to be right and righteous, 100% of the time.

Don't Compromise Yourself To Fit In

Those with high ethical standards and integrity are always unpopular with those who don't share their values. Keep doing what you know is right even when it seems like the whole world is turning their back on you. Don't compromise yourself to gain their acceptance.

Remember that humans form groups based on common behaviors and motivations, so groups who drink heavily don't want non-drinkers around.
Groups who use drugs don't want non-drug-users around. Groups who make their living off corruption or crime don't want straight-laced people around.
Those who are seeking adulation or power don't like people who don't play along and give them extra special attention and praise, or bow down to them.
Groups who want to be seen as Good, or Important, Enlightened, or Attractive don't like those who don't participate in image-grooming.
And those who get a charge out of gossip, bullying, or manipulation don't like those who are straightforward, honest, strong, and who stand up for others or for themselves.

If you refuse to play their game, they're not going to want you around, and they're certainly not going to invite you to the party.
But if they did invite you, would you really want to go?

No Straight Answers: Superiority Complexes And Bad Communication, Lame Teaching, Bad Client and Customer Service

There are several reasons why it can be so difficult to communicate with those who deem themselves "superior", and others "inferior". The term "Narcissist" is often used to describe these folks, but that's more of a blanket term when used in this context. Humans often deem themselves superior to others based on all kinds of superficial comparisons, and also on fantasy-based assumptions, because it can give a person a feeling of confidence and capability, albeit false, but most people like to feel important to some extent no matter how they achieve that feeling.

One of the main reasons behind bad communication with Superiority Complex individuals is that when they have deemed another to be an "inferior", they can't actually comprehend what the person is saying, because they REINTERPRET everything the person says.  They want the person's statements or questions to be indicative of categorical ignorance or stupidity.

For example, if Allison asks a store clerk with a Superiority Complex "Do you carry Thompson's Deck Treatment?", the store clerk will REINTERPRET her simple, straightforward question that requires only an answer of "Yes" or "No", and hopefully where it's located in the store. Instead of hearing the actual question, since the clerk has deemed Allison "inferior" and is assuming she's less intelligent and ignorant, the clerk hears something like:

"Hi there, excuse me, sorry to bother you, hope I'm not interrupting you, can you please help me? I don't know anything about decks, and don't really even know what 'Thompson's' IS, or what a treatment is, or how to do it. I saw something on TV about how you should treat your deck (or~ my husband/brother/neighbor told me I should do this), and so I decided to just go see if I could find it at the store. Can you explain to me how decks are built, and what a treatment is, and what brands are good, and whether I should buy it or not, and if I can do it all by my little self?"

The Superiority Complex-store clerk will answer what he or she HEARD in their OWN HEAD, not what Allison ACTUALLY said, nor the WAY she said it. The clerk will not simply say "Yes" or "No", or "Yes, it's down aisle 7 on the right". He or she will instead see an opportunity to either "educate" Allison on decks, deck care, and deck treatment, because of the assumption that she's clueless, OR he or she will treat Allison dismissively and rudely, like she's taking up their time and space, interrupting them from their extremely important lives. (Regardless of the fact that Allison is a store customer just like anyone else, and their JOB is to treat her with the same respect and courtesy that they'd treat any other customer with.)

Further, if Allison looks or sounds similar to someone else they know, or similar to a stereotype or bias they hold in their imagination, they'll interpret what she says according to THAT, especially if they actually do have Narcissism.

This communication issue can be seen in all fields, all jobs, and all "levels" of jobs. When a person has a Superiority Complex, they assess others to be higher, equal to, or lower than themselves FIRST, and THEN they will interpret what the person says according to their assessment of them. So "straight answers" SANS condescension, pontification, disrespect, outright lying, manipulation, or dismissal are ONLY given to those whom they've deemed above or equal to themselves.

Those whom they deem inferior are assumed to know much less and comprehend much less. Therefore everything they say and do will be assumed as originating from a place of ignorance, experience, education, comprehension, worldliness, or even a lack of intelligence or mental stability, or "bad character", depending on how severe the person's Superiority Complex is.

Those with actual Narcissism will often assume that they can MANIPULATE those whom they've deemed inferior, and will often be utterly shocked, angry, and even enraged when a person whom they've lied to, conned, or betrayed turns out to be aware and more intelligent or worldly than they had assumed. (Narcissists will blame the person they were trying to deceive for their humiliation at getting caught, and often smear them or "retaliate" in some way, as if their TARGET was the one doing something wrong in the first place.)

In summation, those who condescend to others are usually trying to convince others of their "superiority", and are trying to seize an opportunity they think they see to treat another as an inferior.

The short answer for advice on trying to communicate with such a person:
Forget about it, ask someone else. If they're already talking down to you, overexplaining, avoiding answering directly, condescending, etc., they're unlikely to stop.

Blatant Lack Of Respect In Social Interactions

Narcissists do their relationship priorities BACKWARDS.
They care much more about what strangers and acquaintances think of them than they care about the well being of their own children, partner, family members, or "friends". 

They will not stand up for one of their family members or for their partner or a friend against disrespect, bullying, injustice, or abuse because they might lose the approval and acceptance of the people doing the disrespecting.

A Narcissist will readily go along with trashing or disrespecting a person (even right to their face) in their own family or "friendship" circle, including their own kids or their romantic partner, in order to gain acceptance from others.

In communities where Narcissism is rampant, one can witness blatant disrespect in simple human interactions, with certain people being treated with manners, greetings, and purposeful respect, and others being treated with obvious disrespect. Whether it's some kind of social event, gathering, or store or business, the behavior will often be the same in the given community no matter what the situation.

Even a pair of friends, or a married couple, or a pair of relatives standing right next to each other will often be treated completely differently from one another by those around them. One person may be spoken to directly, greeted respectfully and warmly, and the other person can be completely ignored and disrespected.

Also, the more Narcissism in a community, the more likely the person who's being greeted respectfully will NOT CARE that the person they're with is being treated poorly.

If there are no apparent social consequences for it in the local community, many people will ENJOY being treated as "superior" to the person they're with, and often even encourage it and go along with it.

Worthiness, Popularity, Importance

One of the things humans tend to do that's turned on "high" in those with Narcissism is judge people by how popular or respected they appear to be with others.

It's common for those who have ability and talent to get ignored or picked on by other people right up until something happens that makes them "famous", or they get some kind of institutional recognition that they can hang on the wall, or they can afford to buy some kind of Status symbol, like a big house or expensive car.

That's why so many people try so hard to get those things. It's not so much the money or the fame, it's more about the way they'll get treated by others. Humans tend to treat those they see as "popular" or "important" with much better manners and courtesy, and they'll even say that it's because the person "deserves it", which of course is saying that others do NOT deserve it. This is blaming others for one's bad manners and lack of respect and integrity.

Of course, people who do this to others WANT respect, courtesy, and understanding for themselves, regardless of their own level of popularity or "importance", they apparently don't apply their own parameters for the way they treat others to themselves.

This common unfortunate human social behavior causes many of the problems that people have both personally and in society.

Those with Narcissism do this on a regular basis, however they seem to believe that it's ACCURATE to treat others better or worse according to their popularity with others, and whether they deem them to be an "important person".

This is one of the main reasons behind their obsession with their own image, being seen in a certain light by others. Since they think it's perfectly okay and normal to only treat those who are "important" or "popular" with respect or manners, they of course NEED to be one of those people. They HAVE TO BE an "important person", wanted, popular, recognized, accepted by certain people, and MORE important than certain others in comparison...
Otherwise, they would be, in their mind, one of the UNIMPORTANT people who they think don't matter, and who aren't worthy of respect and manners.

Relationships With Narcissists

The thing about any kind of relationship with a person who has Narcissism is that they literally don't care about or respect the other person's point of view, their intelligence, their experience, their future plans and goals, their needs, their wants, their uniqueness, their boundaries, their person, or their current well-being.
Of course they will say that they respect and care about all of these things, even very much. But they don't really know what it means.

They'll continue to do and say things forever that leave a person cold, uncomfortable, humiliated, traumatized, or just plain "screwed" on a worldly, material level.
A person with Narcissism can't do "companionship", they can't do "having your back", they don't do "empathy" or "objectivity", they can't do genuine connection, they only cooperate with those they deem "elite" like they deem themselves, they can't and don't want to do self-control, and they can't take hearing anything about themselves whatsoever, not even five minutes after they just tore you to pieces or shattered your peace of mind. Not five minutes after, not the next day, not the following week, month, year, or five, or twenty-five years later. Not ever.

You CAN'T EVER BE upset with them, you can't be angry, you can't be sad, you can't even be slightly annoyed. When in any relationship with a Narcissist, they want to be the only one who has the privilege of having or expressing any kind of emotion, especially anything that's like annoyance, anger, or being "upset". You're not even "allowed" to have any kind of trauma issues that you need healing or understanding about, nor are you "allowed" to have any physical illnesses or injuries, and if you do, you're on your own. They'll be the last person to help you no matter what your relationship is to them, be it "partner", parent/child, sibling, relative, neighbor, coworker, or "friend". If they help you because they feel like they have no choice, you'll probably wish they hadn't.

Narcissists do NOT care about others, or their effect on others, or how they treat others, because they can't.

Opposite Feedback, Automatic Countering

Giving opposite feedback to others.
Dissonance instead of resonance.
Automatic countering.
Doing the opposite of what a "natural reaction" to another would be.
Automatic invalidation.
Compulsion to hurt or provoke, as opposed to help or soothe.
Compulsion to control or betray as opposed to cooperate or support.

During their youths, Controllers (mostly Narcissists, but some others as well) learned a TRICK.

DO OR SAY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE NATURAL RESPONSE WOULD BE.

GIVE THE OPPOSITE FEEDBACK OF WHAT THE NATURAL, ACCURATE FEEDBACK SHOULD BE.

(So as adults, they would be seen treating a mentally stable person as if they're crazy; or an honest, upstanding person as if they're a liar and a cheat; or a talented or skilled person as a novice or a wanna-be, etc.)

For example:
If they think a girl or boy is good-looking and they RESENT them for it, simply treat them AS IF he or she is ugly, unwanted, even disgusting.

If they RESENT (envy) a girl or boy for being "funny", simply treat them AS IF they're stupid, annoying, or unwanted.

If they RESENT (fear) a girl or boy because they seem physically strong or skilled, simply treat them AS IF they're weak, incapable, clumsy, or unwanted.

If they RESENT (envy, fear) a girl or boy because they're apparently "smart", simply treat them AS IF they're "slow", foolish, crazy, or forgetful.

SAY the opposite of what a natural response would be:

If a targeted child says it's raining outside, say the OPPOSITE of what a natural response would be (like "oh yeah, it is, look at the dark clouds") and say INSTEAD something like "It's JUST sprinkling. It's going to stop soon."

If a targeted child says that another kid picked on them at school, don't give the child support, don't ask who the kid is, don't ask what happened, and don't console the child, stand up for the child, or help empower the child.
Do the OPPOSITE of all those natural responses:
Tell the child to stop whining, tell them that it was their fault, and then get away from the child.

If a targeted child accomplishes something they're proud of (especially if it's something "important" to the child, or in school or community), the natural response would be expressing joy and pride, or making a gesture of celebration and recognition, big or small.
So do the OPPOSITE of those things: act uninterested, belittle the accomplishment, talk about one's OWN accomplishment instead, talk about something completely irrelevant, brag about someone ELSE'S accomplishment, make fun of the child, or walk away.

Some will often also physically threaten or attack a child whom they envy, resent, or fear.

~If they're afraid that the child they've bullied or tricked is going to "tell", or if the child stands up to them, they will treat the child with MORE bullying, trying to instill FEAR, in order to stop them from either "telling", OR standing up for themselves.

If another child is being bullied or attacked, DON'T stand up for them, protect them, or console them; do the opposite of that. Either go along with the attack, or do nothing except watch or walk away.

If another child appears sad, anxious, scared, shy, or physically injured, do the OPPOSITE of the natural reaction (which would be to act like a friend or help them), and treat them WORSE than usual. Purposely ignore them, put them down, or leave.

If they RESENT another child because they are expected to take care of them, they may continually bully the child with all kinds of tactics, from threats used to provoke a FEAR reaction, to actual assault, to insulting and humiliating the child, to making the child feel unwanted, even hated, by the bully and/or their friends.
Eventually, the target child will avoid the bullying (or abusive) child, making the "babysitting" much easier...
(it's a piece of cake to "care for" someone else if you're not really caring for them or giving them any attention - because they avoid you and stay quiet, even hide - and therefore don't ask for anything or even do something, such as play outside, that you might need to pay attention to.)

WHAT THEY LEARN
(AND KEEP, AND FINE-TUNE FOR USE IN ADULTHOOD):

They discover that doing or saying the OPPOSITE of what a healthy, natural, neutral or positive reaction would be does a few things:

~It causes immediate confusion in other people

~It can cause fear or anxiety in others

~It can give the Controller a facade of strength and confidence, because the opposite reactions appear to be "independence", "autonomy", "leadership" and "intelligence", simply because they are different from the expected.

~Because of the aforementioned effects of OPPOSITE reacting, speaking, and behaving, the Controller is often able to manipulate other people and situations to their advantage.

~It gets them out of responsibility and accountability

~Since people often misinterpret their behavior as a display of being "confident", "strong" or "knowledgeable", they find it easy to take a leadership role in many groups that they're in. People will follow them and believe them (due to the confusion and misinterpretation.)

~People will often stand up for them because they've misinterpreted them to be a "strong", "good", "innocent", or "wise Leader type" or a "go getter", or a "fatherly" or "motherly" type.

To demonstrate the way the human mind tends to emotionally and mentally react to the OPPOSITE of natural expectations, play some natural chords on a piano or a guitar, and notice the way the harmony and resonance is kind of soothing and nice. Then play a dissonant chord, like hitting a bunch of random keys or strings together, and notice how that feels, and how the mind PAYS MORE ATTENTION to it and remembers it.

Control Tactic: Opposite Response Behavior

The tactic of doing or saying the OPPOSITE of what a natural or healthy human reaction would be toward another, especially a Target, is used by controllers and bullies in order to gain leverage and control, and also to appear authoritative and powerful. It helps them gain control and stay in control.
(Unless one sees through the tactic.)
~
*The most common example of this is making noises or demanding attention when a Target is resting or sleeping. It's seemingly trivial, but it's actually VERY important, and directly affects the Target's health and well-being, and is actually an abusive behavior when done purposely.
Sleep deprivation is also a brainwashing and submission tactic.
~
This Opposite behavior often becomes an automatic habit with those who have control or narcissism issues; they may not even realize they're doing it, because they've done it for so long.
The behavior is often used as a domination tactic or a status display.

~
So when another person appears to need support for any reason, the OPPOSITE of giving support would be to ignore them, criticize them, insult them, and WITHDRAW help, companionship, resources, or emotional support.

~
Targets of Controllers and Narcissists will receive this OPPOSITE reaction and behavior on a consistent basis.

When a Target needs ANYTHING, that will be the thing that's made HARD TO GET or UNAVAILABLE to them by the Controller.

"Needs" that are made hard to get or unavailable by Controllers and Narcissists toward Targets can include absolutely anything, from simple respect, courtesy, and neutral feedback, to professional conduct in a business relationship.
It can include guidance, mentoring, or respectful teaching or caregiving in an educational or healthcare setting.
It can include shelter, food, water, resources, SLEEP, protection, assistance, sanctuary, courtesy, respect, care, and emotional support in a family setting.
It can include any kind of support or assistance, honesty, companionship, integrity, respect, or cooperation in a friendship or a romantic relationship.

~
When a Target has EXTRA need for something specific, such as sleep, protection from another person, help, shelter, a ride, emotional support, or resources help, that is when a Controller or Narcissist will often not only WITHDRAW support, but DEMAND MORE from the Target.

OPPOSITE response. When a Target has an extra financial burden, that's when the Controller will not only refuse help, but request or demand money from the Target.

When a Target is obviously exhausted from an ordeal or from a physically or mentally demanding task, that's when the Controller will request or demand assistance from the Target, or make sure somehow that the Target CAN'T rest because of noise or interruption.

*(Narcissists often make noise when Targets are sleeping.)
~

Controllers/Narcissists pick and choose WHO to "grace" with NORMAL respect, courtesy, assistance, and (selective) ethical behavior.
And they choose WHO to WITHDRAW and DENY NORMAL respect, courtesy, assistance, and ethical behavior FROM.

FOR EXAMPLE:
If a Target is in the hospital for an illness, the Controller/Narcissist will likely NOT visit them or assist them, or only make a small gesture of a visit, because they "don't have time" or "can't get there".
But when someone whom the Controller wants to IMPRESS or wants APPROVAL FROM is in the same hospital, the Controller will suddenly find the time and resources to visit them, help them, probably even bring them gifts or offer them rides.

If a Target-student asks for help from a Controller teacher or school faculty, the Controller will be too busy, or their "hands are tied", or they'll tell the student that they need to do whatever it is on their own. But if a FAVORED student asks for help from the same Controller teacher or faculty member, they'll suddenly be available and capable of giving all kinds of help.

~
Targets will be given the OPPOSITE of whatever the natural, healthy human response would be by Controllers, and especially from Narcissists.

~
Natural response:
If a person is upset about something serious that happened to them, the natural, healthy human reaction to that would be basically to ask what happened, then listen to them tell about the event in a respectful, courteous manner, acknowledging that they're being heard, and giving verbal signals and body language that indicate that the listener is interested, understands what's being said, and cares.
After listening with interest and respect, if there is something the listener can do to help, and also depending on the relationship with the person and the listener's current realistic ability to help, then it would be done.
(Assuming healthy boundaries and no codependency or control.
Obviously, there would be more help if the healthy relationship is family, close friendship, or romantic, and still according to the realistic ability of the other person.)

So when another person appears to be upset, the natural human reaction is to find out what's wrong with interest, WITHOUT making assumptions, by actually LISTENING to what the person SAYS happened, without interrupting, "advising", or condescending;
keeping respect and the person's well-being as one's focus. 
Then to give help according to one's realistic ability at the time, and according to the relationship.
That does, of course, include "professionals" in mental and physical health caregiver positions.

~
What a Controller or Narcissist would likely do when they see that a person (Target person) is upset about something:

The OPPOSITE of a natural, healthy reaction, such as showing DISINTEREST in hearing what happened.

Displaying ANNOYANCE toward the upset person.

Showing COLDNESS toward the person.

Implying that the person is CRAZY or HISTRIONIC.

Showing meanness toward the person.

Interrupting the person when they're telling what happened.

Interrupting the person in order to give them "advice".

Defending anyone who the person says treated them poorly.

Instead of support, give the opposite: criticism, insults, and condescension.

~
Controllers in "professional" or business positions use this tactic all the time to appear authoritative and gain control; most people don't seem to be able to discern what they're really doing.
Even in the mental health fields.

~
~

Atmospheres where these OPPOSITE tactics can be observed very clearly if one is watching for it are groups where people are trying to gain power, gain authority, gain prestige, gain wealth, gain control over others, and/or look "tough", such as criminal circles like drug dealing, weapons dealing, 'organized crime', and human trafficking.
But ALSO in groups that involve Politics, government, organizations, law, and law enforcement. ALSO in "high finance" fields and businesses.
ALSO in many science fields.
Any groups or fields where many are seeking PRESTIGE, recognition, notoriety, and power, along with financial gain.

The behavior is commonly hidden and denied in other types of atmospheres, such as local community, local or smaller businesses and work atmospheres, mental or physiological health care, and families, "friendships", and "romantic relationships".

Along With The Crowd

It's an automatic Human behavior to try to fit in with the surrounding crowd, because of the fact that we're social primates.
In the 'wild', not fitting in with the group means risk of rejection or attack, even ostracism, which can result in death.
Those who have less self-awareness, weaker boundaries, and a weaker "moral compass" are much more prone to follow along with whatever the crowd around them is doing, regardless of what they're doing or whether they're causing danger or harm to themselves or to others.

It takes stronger character, self-awareness, self-respect, care for others, and comprehension of the reasons for integrity and ethics, values and civility to refuse to go along with whatever the crowd is doing or whatever they command, and to stand up for others who are being treated poorly.

Many simply identify the crowd they're in as the "good people crowd", and don't actually pay attention to what's really going on and what people are really doing. They categorize everything their "good people crowd" is doing as automatically "okay" or "right".

Losers, Black Sheep, Scapegoats: ICKY

Hard one for me to wrap my mind around, but true:

Many with superiority complex issues actually see other people, even their own children and other relatives, as "ICKY".
The way they see toads, rodents, snakes, insects (and often even birds) as "ICKY".

And when it's not about "ICKY", it's "crazy", "stupid", "weak" or "incapable"; categorically inferior creatures that one doesn't want to touch too much, do things with, listen to, GIVE assistance or support to, GET assistance or support FROM (at least not with others knowing about it), or be ASSOCIATED with by others.

My daughter/son/nephew/niece/brother/sister/cousin the LOSER, the WEIRDO, the FREAK... WE don't associate with the likes of her or him.

That kid in school, that neighbor girl, that coworker, that person at church. Ew, they're gross, they're weird, they're different, they're not like us, don't touch them, don't talk to them, don't let people see you talk to them, don't treat them with respect, kindness, or civility.

As if people (or animals) are valued the same way gems are; by element, size, weight, color, clarity and cut.
Diamonds are more valuable than rubies, then sapphires, emeralds, pearls, and opals...
Then each gem is valued individually with the four C's.

They'll also judge a person as "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" for not going along with this judging and rejecting, for standing up for others, and for treating people and animals whom they've judged "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" with common civility or care. (So if you don't join them in rejecting the "weirdo", or scapegoating or bullying a target, and especially if you stand up for the person (OR ANIMAL) that they're attacking or rejecting, they'll reject YOU, too. You become a weirdo/scapegoat by default, and like you're only standing up for them because you must be an Icky or Crazy too. They can't comprehend true compassion, fairness, or civility.)

(It's very important to understand that this projection of inferiority has absolutely nothing to do with the person who's being seen or treated as an inferior creature, and EVERYTHING to do with emotional or mental illness of those projecting the judgment. It can also be attributed to developmental delay, and can often be seen in the "mentally challenged". For example one caregiver or health worker will be accepted by a Client, and another will be rejected by them for no discernible reason except that the worker, who seems clean, kind, and "normal" to everyone else, seems to creep or gross the client out. It does happen that a Client will like and trust a caregiver/worker who really doesn't do a good job or care about them, and reject one who does.).

Control And Bully Tactic: Double Binds

Double binds are a favorite control tactic of narcissists and bullies. They love to give advice, and then treat the person they gave the advice to like they're doing something wrong, stupid, or shameful when they follow it.

Like "You need to stand up for yourself!"
~Then when the person stands up for themselves, they are criticized and belittled.

"If you need help, don't be afraid to ask!"
~Then when the person follows this "sage" advice and asks for help, that same controller will act like the person is being demanding, needy, pathetic, or asking for a million dollars.

"There are no stupid questions."
~Of course when the person asks a question, they get condescended to, made fun of, snapped at, or called stupid.

"If you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here."
~When said by a controller or narcissist, this is an invitation to divulge your personal information, relationship issues, weaknesses, and past traumas so they can use them against you another time, condemn you, tell someone else what you said, or spread gossip.
"You should do that, go for it, you're very good...talented...smart...capable...knowledgeable.."
~Then it's "well you're really just an amateur, you don't really know what you're doing, or what you're talking about, or how to go about it."

"You have to take the bull by the horns."
or,
"You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you can do it."
or,
"Do what you love to do, the pieces will fall into place!"
~Until the Controller who gave this advice sees the target take initiative, and then it's "You can't just charge ahead like that" or "Don't expect to be successful, it's more likely that you'll fail" or
"You're not THAT good, not good enough to make a living at it."
or "Who do you think you are?! You think you're all that?"

"Always respect others' point of view."
~Translation: Always respect MY point of view, but if yours is different, shut up, you're already wrong, and if you don't shut up, then you'll be barraged with Ad Hominem attacks, and probably rejected socially.

"Be fair, compassionate, kind, and polite to others, and they'll return the same to you."
~This works with people who have actual integrity and manners, not with those who give advice in order to feel superior and to control others.
Translation: You be polite, fair, and kind to me, and to everyone else, and shut up about it when we snub you, gossip about you, condescend to you, manipulate you, and treat you rudely, inconsiderately, hostilely, and disrespectfully.

The double bind serves a purpose:
"We'll blame OUR behavior, and the way we treat you, on YOUR actions. Everything that happens to you and everything that others do to you is YOUR fault, I am/we are blameless and innocent, it's all you. You brought all of it on yourself... if you had heeded my advice, WE would not have been forced to treat you that way...."

Apparently only CERTAIN people are worthy of success, allowed to speak their mind and have their own point of view, or allowed to stand up for themselves against unfairness, disrespect, or bullying.

And apparently only CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE are accountable for their own behavior, and those same people are responsible for everyone else's behavior and life as well...

Red flag: Unsolicited advice, condescending advice, advice with negative assumptions about you in it, and advice that sounds like it's taken from a talk show, celebrity, coach, drill sergeant, someones relative, self-help book, song, or affirmation meme (without referencing who said it or why).

Living In The Race: Winning Is Everything

Controllers are focused on other people, especially Narcissists, so they don't just do what they're doing or just focus on their goals.

Like runners in a race, some runners are concentrating on the terrain, their breathing, their pace, keeping their muscles from cramping, their stamina, and finishing the race. Other thoughts might be about loved ones or inspirational thoughts or memories, and perhaps the interesting landscape they're passing, the lovely day, or spectators cheering them on.

They are focused on the other runners in a peripheral way as fellow competitors, or in a kindred spirit way as fellow runners, but not with contempt. If another runner twisted their ankle or collapsed, they would notice, and would make sure someone came to help them. If there was no one else around, they would stop and help the fellow runner themselves, giving up their position in the race.

Some runners, however, are focused solely on their own performance and body, and on the performance and bodies of the other runners. Their thoughts are filled with advantages, weaknesses, and leverage. They're not thinking about loved ones, or "fellowship" with other runners (unless there happens to be famous people in the race), nor are they thinking about how great it is to be able to participate in the race.

Some of those runners are focused mostly on finding weaknesses in the other runners, and how they can exploit those weaknesses to their advantage. All they care about is beating the other runners and being the WINNER of the race so they can receive the recognition, award, and praise. They'll do anything they can get away with (within their personal, tweaked version of 'values') to win.

Their emotions and motives are limited to desire to dominate, desire for recognition, contempt, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy.

If any opportunity presents itself to kick dust in another runner's face, they'll take it. If they think they can get away with bumping or tripping another runner, they'll do it. If another runner falls down, they'll feel happy about it, not concerned, and the only way they'll stop to help that person is if they think someone 'important" is watching.

They will have contempt for certain other runners whom they harbor prejudice against (typically ancestry, size, sex,or sexual orientation), and will try even harder to beat them or sabotage them.

If someone whom they judge as "naturally inferior" to them is ahead of them, or apparently beating them, their contempt and resentment will grow to colossal proportions, even hatred.

They are likely to believe that anyone who's not participating in the race, especially spectators, are UNABLE to participate in the race because of their "inferior physiques" and fitness levels.

If they don't come in first, they will consider themselves to have FAILED, since their goal was to attain the recognition and praise of "winning". They're likely to feel self-loathing, or to feel contempt, resentment, and envy for those who came in ahead of them, and also for lots of other people involved in the race. They're likely to feel deep EMBARRASSMENT and humiliation because they didn't WIN. They may or may not show it, and they may or may not "retaliate" somehow for this perceived personal humiliation.

If they DO win the race, they're likely to feel utterly deserving, like it was a done deal before the race even started, like they're the "superior specimen" present and all the other humans are lesser specimens. They might even feel pity for the other runners, as if they aspire to be like them, but just can't cut it. They will not have remorse or regret for bullying or sabotaging other runners, or leaving anyone who fell; they'll actually see themselves as simply being "more clever" and "more savvy". Nor will they feel regret about using illegal steroids or cheating; again, they'll just see it as "savviness".

If they do win, it won't just be a race well-run, with gratitude for the experience and opportunity, nor with gratitude toward anyone who supported them. It will be evidence of their "superiority", and they're likely to brag about it and display their trophy or medal every chance they get for a very long time.

Putting Others Ahead Of Yourself

That feeling of self-imposed limbo, where you stop yourself from doing all kinds of things that you want or need to do, and feel a rubber-band-like feeling of tension and anxiety?

That's conditioning.

Don't do anything you want or need to do, because you will be interrupted, stopped, criticized, controlled, "advised", invaded, sabotaged, or called for a request or service for someone else.

Sit still and wait for the next request, command, or crisis.

Your subconscious has learned that there are FEWER consequences in waiting for the other shoe to drop than in doing things that you initiated yourself, things you need or want to do.

Your unconscious may also have bought into believing that it's morally correct and good to SERVE others, especially certain others, INSTEAD OF taking care of your own business. Which includes your bills, your career, your schooling, your living situation, your car, and any goals. It includes your self-care, for your body, mind, and spirit. It also includes your positive relationships, your kids, your partnership, and social connections.
Basically anything that YOU would do because you need to, want to, or like to.

Serving and caring for others is a good thing. Serving others INSTEAD OF taking care of your own business and yourself is NOT, and the purpose of this conditioning is so that you will become a voluntary slave, making yourself and your resources fully available to another, with no restrictions, and no self-protection.

It also renders a person weak and vulnerable, which means they do NOT have personal 'power".

They not only can be controlled by others, but they also have rendered themselves (inadvertently) INCAPABLE of being a confident person who makes anything happen or change, or who has any influence or voice in their group, family, or community. 

  

Scanners: Narcissists Scan Others Constantly

Social Signals.
You give them whether you mean to or not, and those who have Narcissism issues ~ especially N's who are 'predators', or who are consumed with envy, control, or resentment ~ LOOK for them, watching and listening much, much more for social signals than other people do, ~ looking for a way in, for leverage, or for a chink in the armor.

If you pull up to a gas station and a Narcissist pulls up to the other pump, they ARE looking at you, doing an automatic quick-scan, even if they're not looking for any particular reason. Are you a potential mark, or a potential threat? Can they get your attention? Can they get away with giving you "advice"? Do you look anxious, hostile, calm, kind, or naive? Do they approve of you, or disapprove of you? Do you look like you'll respond favorably if they approach you (or do you look like you'll punch them in the face?) Do they find you attractive, too thin, too heavy, too tall, too short, too well-dressed, not well-dressed enough, weird, intimidating, friendly looking... etc... etc...

A non-narcissist would be exhausted by the amount of scanning and assessing a narcissist does on a regular basis.

They'll even look at you in your car from their car while driving on the highway.

Making Her Feel Like She Doesn't Belong

Trying to make a person feel like they don't belong, are incapable, less worthy, unwanted, unstable, or a "loser" is ONLY done by those with bully and narcissism issues. Make no mistake. This is a bully tactic used for domination and control.

Bullies will often do this back and forth to each other within the group that they're a part of (community, workplace, church, family) because each one is trying to secure their own feeling of belonging in the group.

If they can get the others in the group to go along with calling that person a "loser", they've succeeded in their goal. If they can get the person themselves to buy into self-loathing, they've succeeded in their goal. If they can get the person themselves to BELIEVE that they don't "belong" in their own group, they've succeeded in their goal.

It's actually quite easy for a bully/manipulator to turn people against a person, especially when the group already has prejudice against the type of person who's being targeted. There are more people, apparently, who get a charge out of joining in with slandering or shunning a person than there are people who will refuse to go along with it, behave supportively, or even simply remain neutral.  

Those who try to get groups of others to turn on an individual are usually doing it in order to discredit the person, and trying get others to join with them in dominating and crushing the person (just like schoolyard bullying, when other kids are excited about the watching this "fight" and encourage it, instead of stopping it or standing up for the bully's target). Not because the person has actually done something terrible. 

It takes a measure of maturity not to join in group shunning, scapegoating, gossip, or bashing of an individual, and it takes even more to stand up for the target, or to be supportive of both the basher and the target.

Asperger's Traits That May Resemble Narcissism (But Aren't)

Those who know, work with, or are related to a person with "Asperger's" may confuse some of their behaviors with "Narcissism", because it may be difficult to understand their point of view and mental processing.

Many with "high functioning Autism" don't seem to LOOK very different, so their behaviors may be construed as having the same motives and intentions as non-Autistic people.

Without going into scientific explanations, here are a few behaviors that a person with Asperger's might display that a non-Asperger's person might confuse with narcissistic self-centeredness.

(People who do not have Autism or traits are often referred to as "Neuro-Typicals", or "NT's".

Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger disorder (AD) or simply Asperger's, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD))


~ Intense focus and concentration on a task or project. Making the object of their focus the "most important thing". 

People who have "Autism" traits (AS, ASD) tend to focus on one thing at a time.

A non-autistic person (NT) might compare this singular focus to looking through a microscope, or a pair of binoculars. One sees what they're looking at with magnified, intensified focus, and one can ONLY see what one is looking at, because they are looking through the eyepiece and lenses.

When you look through binoculars, you can not see the person standing next to you. And, what you can see through the binoculars is magnified, so you can see it with more detail than the person next to you can see. Some people with AS/ASD may not be ABLE to multi-task, they can only focus on, think about, and do one thing at a time.

Those with AS/ASD do this naturally, they aren't doing it in order to ignore the person standing next to them, and in fact most would love it if the person next to them was looking at the same thing, through their own pair of binoculars.

Narcissists, however, don't WANT the person next to them to see what they see, and they may be ignoring the person next to them on purpose in order to try to make them feel small. They may talk about what they see through their binoculars, but it's not to share the information with others, or because they're excited about it, like a person with AS/ASD might do; it's mostly because they want to be recognized as an expert or as a "superior".


~Not seeming to respond to, or like it, when others approach them, look at them, get too close, or touch them.

This one is less about the person with AS/ASD, and more about the people who interact with them. Those who don't respect other people's boundaries and personal space often have a very hard time with those who have AS/ASD, because they seem to be used to invading the boundaries and space of others for their own emotional motivations. If a person does not like to be touched by other people, it doesn't matter WHO the other people are, they just don't like to be touched. It's not PERSONAL, it's not a rejection, it's their own preferences. Those who respect the person would respect their personal boundaries, space, and preferences. Of course one can't KNOW that a person does not like to be touched until it becomes known, but why would a person be invading another person's space in the first place? Or trying to touch them without permission?

MANY of the social behaviors that NT's frequently display are actually based in domination and status displays. For example if you would pat the back or the head of one co-worker who might be smaller than you, but you would NOT pat the back or the head of another co-worker who's bigger than you are, you can ask your inner primate why that is. Why are you touching one person's body, with or without their permission, but not another's?

The person with AS/ASD does not care whether you are bigger than they are or smaller than they are, they don't want to be touched, or they don't want to be touched right now, or they don't want to be touched by you, and you should respect that. If you don't, you're displaying dominance over them, and they can detect that a mile away, unlike most NT's who are largely unaware of underlying motives for many human behaviors.


~Needing things to be a "certain way".
Getting agitated when another person won't go along with their need for things to be a certain way. Getting very upset when someone moves their things, changes their environment, changes or ignores a schedule, or doesn't follow set rules.

Again, this is less about the person with AS/ASD, and more about the people who interact with them. ~Those who don't respect other people's boundaries and personal space often have a very hard time with those who have AS/ASD, because they seem to be used to invading the boundaries and space of others for their own emotional motivations, which is not something that AS/ASD people commonly allow.

One might want to ask themselves why it bothers them that another person needs or wants their OWN stuff, or their OWN schedule, or their OWN food, or their OWN decor to be a certain way, and why they think they're entitled to change any of it, or criticize, and why they assume that their way is "better".



~ Apparently believing that their point of view is the only correct one, and adamantly trying to convince others that this is so.

People with AS/ASD often do notice things that "NT's" don't, because they don't selectively filter out nearly as much information from the surrounding world as NTs do. What they see and what they notice is processed in a more"raw" way (unfiltered), as opposed to NT's who filter much more of what they perceive through their personal preferences, beliefs, bias, memories, and comfort.

An AS/ASD person will be the kid who SEES the biting ant on the elephant's ankle and therefore KNOWS WHY the elephant suddenly started jumping around, knocking things down. But most of the others nearby will assume something else without any evidence (the elephant is angry! or crazy!), often based on something they've seen or heard before, like a TV show.
The AS/ASD kid will be shouting "There's an ant on his foot!" but the other people will ignore her, even tell her to "be quiet".

People with Autism traits often grow up being ignored, bullied, and disrespected when they point something out that they see or notice, so by adulthood, some may be in the habit of defensively trying to convince others of what they're going to say, even before someone treats them rudely.

Another reason that an AS/ASD person may seem like they're trying to "make" a person accept their point of view is due to their absence of playing off of other people's social signals. They aren't worried about the other person rejecting them PERSONALLY because of their passionate (and sometimes monotone) oration, because THEY wouldn't do that, so they're not watching for the person's social signals that say "you're getting on my nerves". They don't stop just because another person appears to be getting annoyed or uncomfortable, because they simply don't see it. They just want the other person to comprehend what they're trying to get across, to see the subject from their point of view, so they may keep talking until the other person sounds like they get what they're saying.

That's not the same as CHANGING another person's point of view, which is a completely different thing. Those who have Narcissism DO want the other person to abandon and forget their own point of view, and adopt the Narcissist's POV... And also give the N. "credit" for showing them the "right way" to see it.



~Not appearing to be empathetic or sympathetic, seeming to be uncaring, cold, or self-centered.

Those with AS/ASD don't give, or respond to, the countless subtle social signals that NT's exchange with one another constantly. It's rare that you'll see a schoolyard bully with ASD because they don't get a charge out of making others display social signals for anxiety, fear, or pain. But you might see an AS/ASD person stand up for a person who's being bullied when everyone else is pretending to ignore the whole thing, or even when others are going along with the bullying.

Because AS/ASD people don't "do" social signals, they operate on principles and objective values in a broader sense. So they might not realize that a person is sad, at first, and they might have to think about how to comfort the person when they do realize it. But they are much more likely to try to comfort or help the person once they grasp that the person is sad than a lot of people would be, and they are very UNLIKELY to try to make a person feel sad or afraid on purpose, because it's simply a mean thing to do, and they wouldn't want the person to feel those things.



~Raging, ranting.

This behavior can look like anyone else who is abusive, except that with a person who has AS/ASD, their apparent tantrums are usually fueled by a few specific triggers:

feeling overwhelmed by frustration, feeling overwhelmed by external stimuli (noise, chaos, visuals, crowds), or feeling bullied, cornered, afraid, or abandoned.

Mostly it's based in anxiety and fear.

Abusers/Narcissists "rage" because they are trying to dominate the other person, scare the other person, humiliate the other person, or create drama in order to avoid accountability. It's not so much a reaction to "overwhelm" as it is a display of dominance.

It might help to picture Great Apes in the wild, as opposed to being in captivity. A screaming Chimpanzee who's shaking trees and making aggressive gestures at another Chimpanzee is probably displaying dominance, trying to scare the other. But a screaming Chimp. in a cage, shaking the bars, is most likely overwhelmed with fear and frustration.



~ Lack of certain social graces such as leaving without saying anything, not caring about grooming like others do, not being on time, not listening to others speak or responding to what they say

Again, this is all about social signals and social human interaction. One of the main reasons NT's learn a large amount of social interaction is because of social consequences. They felt embarrassed or ashamed when someone was mad at them for leaving without saying goodbye. They may have been chastised by a parent. They remember that, and don't want to feel those stinging feelings again, so they now make it known that they're leaving, and say "good bye".

A person with AS/ASD, on the other hand, likely needs to learn this social grace specifically, and understand WHY it's important. Not by associating consequences with NOT doing it. They may not understand why it's such a big deal until they understand the reason behind it. Once they understand the reason, they're likely to be MORE vigilant about doing it than NT's.

Narcissists, on the other hand, KNOW what social graces are, why they're important, and will do the opposite on purpose for various reasons of their own design; they might be trying to "slip out", to get away with something, or to cause drama or pain.

Grooming is also about social signals. People with AS/ASD typically don't see what the big deal is about grooming to NTs. Some may not REALIZE that grooming affects a person's appearance directly, they may be under the impression that Sally's hair just naturally falls into that style when she runs a comb through it in the morning. This tendency seems to depend on the person's level of autism, and possibly on their sex.

However many with AS/ASD don't judge others visually, or not very much, like NTs tend to do.

They tend to judge people much more on their actions, the way they treat people, and the way they feel around them regardless of their looks; they aren't focused so much on the appearance of others, nor are they thinking about others judging THEM by their appearance.

Their thoughts, focus, and priorities are elsewhere.

Further, those with AS/ASD may judge others by appearance, but it tends to be less on generic physical attractiveness and more on whether they look like a nice, trustworthy person to them or not, or whether they remind them of someone else.

This is not set in stone, some do judge others by appearance, but it's their own opinion of attractiveness, not current popular culture's opinion.

Narcissists however tend to judge others constantly by appearance FIRST, or solely, and will often actively pursue "romance" with those whom they think OTHERS will find attractive.



Why do people so often reject or bully people with AS/ASD?

NT's often reject people with AS/ASD because they don't understand them, and can feel taxed by their intensity. Most NT's rely much more on social signals for communication, and much less on direct, polite communication (hence the ongoing chaos and drama in the world). Those with AS/ASD are just the opposite, they rely much less on social signals, and much more on direct communication. They also tend adhere to principles and values much more than most NT's, and that can seem threatening or even shaming to NT's who seem to enjoy bending rules, and especially to those who are prone to manipulation, cheating, or domination displays.

NT children are immature, naturally, and tend to pick on and single out anyone who seems "different" than themselves and their immediate circle. Adults should be vigilant about this and not allow it, and should also be guiding children about treating others with respect; that's an essential part of raising children in civilized society. Without learning how to treat others from the guidance of adults, children are prone to grow up to become bullies and Narcissists.

NT adults with Narcissism often bully those with AS/ASD, and tend to either try to squash and crush them (because they envy them or feel intimidated by them), AND/OR to try to recruit them as a "sidekick" or subordinate, using them for their abilities, focus, and willingness to do work, help others, or participate in projects. They often use them without giving them commensurate compensation, credit, or respect.

Narcissists often mistake those with AS/ASD for being "weak", ignorant, or submissive, and so when the AS/ASD person realizes that they're being bullied or manipulated, and they stand up for themselves, the Narcissist is often SHOCKED, and will typically reject the AS/ASD person forthwith, devaluing them and often smearing them, trying to discredit them to others.

(Narcissists seem to assume that they've caught a submissive, scared bunny rabbit that they can boss around and control, until they squeeze the bunny rabbit one too many times, and it turns out to have sharp teeth and strong jaws. Then they act like the bunny (the AS person whom they were manipulating) was the one who was doing something "wrong".)



~ Can a person have AS/ASD and Narcissism at the same time?

Yes, well, sort of.

But it's not typical, nor are they typically as dangerous as NT's who have Narcissism.

AS/ASD people who do have Narcissism traits are often more like children who are trying to be "important" like their Dad or Mom, or perhaps a story character or hero, and they may have fixed stereotypical biases, assumptions, and expectations that they came to believe to be real at some point in their life.

They are very unlikely to be the kind of "Narcissist" who would drag a person through a horrific child custody battle, for example, using the children as pawns in a nasty game, or to con a person out of sums of money, or smear a person's reputation and turn a group of people against them.

They're just not into social games and manipulations, and are actually more often the TARGET of those games; rarely or never the perpetrator.


In fact, manipulative NT's have been known to PROVOKE those they KNOW have AS/ASD traits into a defensive tantrum-like state for the sole purpose of getting others to witness it, so that they'll believe whatever the manipulator says about the person.



However it is possible that a person with AS/ASD might treat their child, spouse, or other loved ones with coldness, or critical and controlling behavior, or even reject them, lacking certain cognitive understanding about raising children, relationships, and human interaction.

Without support of family, friends, or the medical community, relationships and life itself can be difficult for both the person with AS/ASD, and those close to them, and unfortunately support is harder and harder to find as people become more and more self-centered in the world.

But it's more likely for a person with AS/ASD to be the one being treated with serious disrespect, manipulation, and rejection by others. 

Our Modern Era, Self-Destruction, Or Growing Up?

The current era we live in has
A. more people than ever before
B. more people living much longer
C. more mass media and mass communication than ever
D. Several generations alive at the same time
E. Several generations with completely different childhoods alive at the same time
F. Several generations who each believe that they're "RIGHT" alive at the same time
G. Several cultures and generations with extremely varying degrees of bigotry, prejudice, superiority, and ego issues alive and living in the same regions.
H. Several cultures and generations with varying experiences of serious childhood trauma from wars, culture upheaval and dysfunction in family or community alive at the same time.
I. Mass ease of travel and connectivity, moreso than ever before
J. More wealth overall, MUCH more, including in poor communities, than ever before
K. With all this wealth, communication, and travel, apparently less awareness than ever before, probably due to the overwhelm from the mass media and internet
L. Less awareness and practice of one of the most important things in the human species for maintaining civil society:  "Basic Manners": common courtesy and active respect and care for other human beings and for one's self.
M. More self-righteousness, arrogance, clique-behavior, and control issues than ever before (due to the increased general wealth; the less a human has to struggle to survive (actually survive), the more a human is prone to arrogance, self-pity, self-righteousness, and power-seeking). 



IF humans began teaching and practicing genuine CIVILITY, HUMILITY, and COURTESY once again, (which means treating others with courtesy and respect whether they "like" them or "agree with" them or not), actively and purposely, at least half of the problems on the planet would be instantly alleviated, and the other half would have a hope for solution or for learning how to cope with them better.

Practicing civility includes gracefully dealing with others who don't display the same manners or point of view, and having compassion for those who are apparently unable.
It does not mean "allowing people to treat you like crap", and it ALSO means not "retaliating" every time one feels some kind of uncomfortable emotion, like feeling left out, disrespected, envious or jealous.  

It takes confidence, inner strength and a strong enough comprehension ability to understand why it's important, and to continue to practice it regardless of the circumstances one finds themselves in.

It's definitely not "fair" for the burden of civilization to be shouldered by only those who understand how the dynamics of human interaction work and affect the "big picture", but that's how it is, and how it's always been, apparently since the dawn of Homo Sapiens. There are those who have awareness, and those who don't but will, and there are those who never will.

Those who are aware are the ones who others feel validated by and learn from, and become examples themselves for others to learn from and feel validated by. Without them, there is no awareness at all. There are a great many humans who live by their desire for personal gain and dominance compulsions, and they WILL and DO "take over" if they can, which is often their main goal.

Arrogance ALWAYS thinks it can do a better job, regardless of actual ability, simply because arrogance desires recognition and power much more than it cares about the actual situation, gathering information, or finding solutions.   

The dynamics of human behavior is a systems-issue, one must have the ability to grasp all of the components of the system, how they affect one another (cause and effect), and how they cause an outcome, in order to understand how the system works. There are those who do understand that cause and effect exists, but many of them don't grasp that there are more variables than they can see or understand, and that the best anyone can do is TRY.

Without GENUINE civility being practiced purposely by at least a large portion of the population, the species will turn on itself and tear down progress that it has made, as it always has throughout its existence on Earth.

So it really IS "up to you", it might be one of the reasons that you were born; to BE WHO YOU ARE and keep DOING what you do. Self-awareness, purposeful civility and compassion, and humility are NOT the "norm" in Homo Sapiens; the survival of the species, and of civilization, RELIES ON those who do have those attributes. It can't exist without them, without you.
You're not alone, even though it can feel that way, but this is the way it has always been. You are NEEDED, you make a HUGE DIFFERENCE, probably much more than you may be able to see.  

Hottie Award Goes To...

A common Narcissist. behavior:  Competing with others for physical attractiveness, on a pretty regular basis, in random groups, and especially competing for the attention of those who are in a relationship.

Narcissists who compete for the "Hot Guy" or "Hot Girl" award do it whether others are aware of this competition they're holding for themselves or not. Typically, of course, they think that EVERYONE is competing like they are, that's why they feel "victorious"; they think they've "won" against other competitors when someone gives them attention.

Another person whom a Narcissist sees as very good-looking, or whom they think others find attractive, is a direct threat, so they often target them straight away; either bullying them directly, trashing them behind their back, or trying to "steal" their partner. (A loyal genuine partner would of course NOT take the bait, even for a minute.)

Narcissists often purposely TRY to get "sexual" attention from those in committed relationships; if they succeed, they feel that they've "WON" and proven themselves "superior" to the person's partner. Often when they don't succeed, they feel contempt and resentment toward the person and the person's partner; they may devalue the original target, or they may become fixated.   

This "looks competition" is another developmental stage that most adolescents and young adults go through when they're reaching sexual maturity, naturally wanting to be attractive to others, and trying to gauge their own attractiveness. Those who develop Narcissism, but ALSO many who were traumatized during childhood but don't actually have NPD, can get stuck in this stage, trying to gather self-confidence via other people's attraction to them. A non-NPD person can heal from this by healing from trauma effects, and healing their boundaries and self-confidence levels.
(True NPDs are usually more obvious than others with this behavior.)

Liberal Conservative HOOEY

Sorry, but you can't be "Liberal" and "Left Wing" at the same time.
Nor can you be "Conservative" and "Right Wing" at the same time.

This is what happens when people TWIST WORDS AND ALTER THEIR MEANING SO MUCH that people forget the original meanings. 

The term "wing" is from seating in the European legislature, from the 1800s, and it refers to RADICAL views, not mainstream Pol. Party views.  "Left" view people were assigned to sit in the left wing.

The definition of "Liberal" does NOT mean "Left wing", it means "open to hearing other points of view", as in "others besides ONE'S OWN", as well other than the establishments.

The radical Left and the radical Right have WAY more in common with each other than either of them do with "conservative" Dems, Reps, or whatever party.

They're BOTH invested in BELIEF and EMOTION, and EGO, FAR AND ABOVE actual data and information gathering SANS emotional attachment or power struggles.

They don't want the BEST solution, nor do they care about FREEDOM, liberty, and autonomy for all citizens, they want it THEIR WAY.