Walk beside me, not behind me
Walk beside me, not in front of me
Or do not walk with me if you so choose;
but know that I will miss your presence.

Post # 100!

Traveler's Guide To Wasting Precious Time

*Begin each day by looking for ways someone else has made a mess in the bathroom, and then be annoyed by it.
*Do not notice the beauty of the new day.
*Whatever the weather is, be upset by it.
*Be sure that every hair is in place before you leave the house, looking like a GQ/Cosmo model is tantamount to success, and equivalent to high intelligence.
*Do not make your own coffee, but go to Dunkin or Starbuck's and wait in line. Try to feel impatient at everyone ahead of you. If possible, say something rude because you are more important.
*When you get to the window, display your displeasure with the person who is very arrogant about being a cashier, and who is being slower than you can stand just to personally annoy you.
*Do not remember any service jobs you had or sympathize with their obvious distress. Do not admire them if they are amazingly efficient.
*Take the busiest route to work so you can get in a traffic jam.
*Beep your horn at anyone who drives their car on the same road you are using.
*Display any displeasure you may have at other drivers, especially if you are in the wrong.
*Avoid common courtesy toward other drivers, and do not allow for human error in anyone else but yourself.
*Cut people off, especially in a dangerous traffic jam, and then glare at them.
*Listen to morning radio if the hosts are obnoxious, bad mannered and bigoted (race, gender, age/its all the same), to set your mood for the day.
*When you park your car at work, be upset that you couldn't get a better spot.
*Do not make friendly noises, gestures, or expressions at anyone when you get to work unless they are your buddies, pals, cronies, or "brothers". You wouldn't want anyone to think you liked them, after all.
*Be annoyed every time you have to do the job that you were hired to do.
*Display anger every chance you get; it will make you seem like you are doing something important.
*If you are a tradesperson, be sure to be very dramatic if you receive a slight injury, show everyone your blood!
*Tell the story again of how your arm almost fell off that one time when the same thing happened.
*Tell the story of how the same thing happened to your brother/friend/uncle/cousin.
*Talk over anyone else who is speaking in order to tell your story, and ignore anyone who also has a story.
*If you are a white collar employee, be very dramatic if you receive any injury at all in order to get out of doing work. Ask to go home.
*Whatever your job is, be cliquey during any kind of gathering, such as meetings, breaks, or lunch.
*Purposely try to make the prettiest girl feel bad about herself, this will win you points with not-so-good-looking people, who clearly deserve a better life than someone who they find physically attractive.
*Do not speak to anyone who you feel inferior to in any way, try to make them feel left out.
*Give the silent treatment to anyone you feel superior to when they try to make conversation, especially if you are physically larger than they are.
*If someone is physically larger than you, kiss their ass, because you probably think that they are just as shallow as you and they will fall for it.
*Treat all of your coworkers according to your most negative image of them, and according to their gender, race, and size.
*Ignore any capability of your coworkers unless you like the person.
*If you deal with customers, be annoyed at their presence. They are an inconvenience; treat them accordingly.
*If you are a boss, be annoyed at your employees before you ask them anything. Do not think of them as people like you.
*If your boss asks you to do something, roll your eyes after they leave and tell all of your coworkers what a pain in the ass your boss is. If the boss is female, add extra name-calling according to their appearance or their voice. Do not think of your boss as a person like you.
*When you leave work, do not say goodbye to anyone but your clique, you wouldn't want the outsiders to think they were in your "crowd".
*Take the busiest route home so you can repeat your activities from the morning.
*If you notice any animals on your ride home, do not admire them; be annoyed at them.
*Stop off at a bar and do not call home to say you will be late. Its none of their business, especially if they are expecting you and will be worried.
*If someone calls to find out if you're okay, be annoyed at them, complain to whoever is nearby.
*Stop at a store in order to be even later, especially if you can sabotage any plans someone else is looking forward to.
*While you are out and about, look for people who dress differently than you and your buddies. Make a mental note of how inferior they are to you and what they look like so you can trash them later.
*When you get home, act tired and cranky to convince everyone that you are very important.
*Continue to act tired and cranky, until your buddy comes over. Show him or her wonderful courtesy, hospitality and respect. When anyone you live with comes near, put the tired and cranky act back on.
*Refuse to interact with everyone you live with in a positive way; no games, walks, jokes or music.
*Be annoyed when you are asked anything.
* If you do find yourself in a conversation, oppose anyone else's viewpoint in order to sound smart. Do not listen to what they have to say.
*Watch TV and sit in an annoyed position.
*If a relative calls on the phone, whine and flap your hands. Do not show happiness to hear from them.
*Ignore/dismiss anyone who has an experience they want to share, or a grievance to discuss. Yours are the only ones that are important.
*Focus on how everyone else in your household is lazy, incapable, slow, messy and ignorant. Magnify any negatives you can, it will make you feel superior.
*Whatever they happen to be doing, it is wrong. Make a mental list at everything they have ever done that displeased you and show your annoyance.
*If you have a pet, complain about having to feed/walk/clean up after it. Complain about it coming to you seeking affection.
*Make noise like an ape and slam things around to appear important.
*Laugh at the television loudly but not at funny things real people in your household say.
*Ignore accomplishments by anyone else, or put them down, on TV or in real life.
*Before bed, look around and notice the terrible things other people have done, like leaving a toy in the living room or leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Feel very annoyed.
*When you go to bed, if you sleep with someone, do not display any affection toward them. Make loud, bouncy movements until you are completely comfortable.
*Act annoyed if they try to make conversation.
*Take up more than half the bed.
*Complain about their sleeping habits but expect them to be sympathetic of yours.
*If they have a nightmare, do not comfort them, especially if they comfort you when you have them. Be annoyed.
*If you wake during the night, do not try to be quiet, just truck around loudly like it's noon.
*When you wake in the morning, rinse and repeat.


"Why would you want something scary like joy when at least you know how to navigate hell?"
~ Jennifer Howell Gillies