Scapegoats And Narcissists

Scapegoating and Narcissism are intrinsically connected.
If one is present, the other is also, even if it's not immediately evident.
Scapegoats are the people who Narcissists pick as a designated "permanent child" in the group, so that there will always be someone to pick on, someone to blame, someone to COMPARE themselves and others to. 

It's important to understand that it's NOT based in REALITY, it's based SOLELY in someone's ego issues: their desire for control and importance, and their desire to avoid accountability.

No matter what the Scapegoat REALLY does in life, they will continue to be treated by the Narcissist and the N's followers as an incapable, childish, silly, unstable person; like a pain-in-the butt tag-along little brother or sister; like the crazy one in the group; like the one who doesn't amount to anything; like the one who's a "burden" on someone else.

ANYTHING that happens between the Scapegoat and someone else will always get blamed on the Scapegoat, no matter what it is.
No matter WHAT it is, literally.

HEALTHY GROUPS DON'T HAVE SCAPEGOATS.

Only groups where some form of Narcissism is present would designate one of their own members as an ego dumping-station for everyone else.

By the time a Narcissist reaches adulthood, they've already had practice with scapegoating someone. The scapegoat was either a family member, or a person in the community.  But usually a family or household member. It could have been one of their parents, a sibling, a cousin, an aunt or an uncle, a grandparent~

Pretty much any member of the family can get scapegoated as long as there are TWO THINGS present:

One, a Narcissist who singles them out;
and Two, other members of the group who allow and go along with the Narcissist's behavior of singling the person out and treating them with disrespect, unfairness, and/or abuse.

Desire For Connection Is Normal

The desire and need for connection with other humans, especially family and friends, is HEALTHY and NORMAL.
The desire and need for POSITIVE connection with other humans is ALSO healthy and normal.

We are born as connected beings, connected to our group.

This is why Narcissistic abuse is so painful for human beings; we instinctively connect with others, and expect the connection to be there, because it's supposed to be there, and it's
supposed to be healthy and supportive.

We're HUMANS, our brains are quite capable of making our connections very positive and supportive; it's not dumb to expect that.
Expecting MUTUAL support is part of what we ARE.

It's much like dogs expecting to join a pack with other dogs, that's what they DO, it's what they're supposed to do. When they're in a pack, they're not preoccupied with each other, they're focused on what they're all doing together. They NOTICE one another, and do little social signals and play, but that's incidental, it's not their main focus. Their main focus is on chasing that stick together, or playing with that frisbee, or chasing that rabbit together. It's more fun when they're together. Only dogs with "issues" are more focused on trying to dominate other dogs than on the activity, because they have a fixation or an anxiety issue.


Narcissist humans USE those natural, normal connections between people for their own personal purposes and agendas. We usually don't know that they're going to do that until after it happens.


So imagine bringing your dog to a dog park, and one or two of the dogs there have a domination fixation. Every time your dog goes to chase the frisbee that someone is throwing, those other dogs chase YOUR dog INSTEAD OF the frisbee. They are fixated on your dog, and are trying to stop your dog from catching the frisbee. THAT'S more important to them than actually catching the frisbee themselves, or participating in the game.

When one of them gets hold of the frisbee (by taking it out of your dog's mouth), they run away with it, refusing to give it back to the human who was throwing it. They growl when someone tries to take it.
DOMINATION itself is their focus, not the GAME, and they are not able to connect in a healthy way with the other dogs as "peers" or "equals". They see every other dog as either a threat to their dominance, or as something to dominate and get something from. 
So YOUR DOG craves the connection with the other dogs at the park, and wants to participate in the game, and have FUN, building social skills, self-confidence, motor and coordination skills, and friendships.
But the domination-fixated dogs PREVENT your dog from doing any of those things, every time.
Eventually, your dog doesn't want to go to the park anymore, and whenever your dog sees another dog, he gets anxious instead of happy.
So, instead of building things in his life that he needs to build, he's prevented from doing that. And consequentially, he becomes avoidant toward those very things because every time he tries, there's someone there blocking him or attacking him.

(The solution? The dog can't do anything, he's under the ownership and control of a Human. What the Human can do is look for another dog park where the dog owners are more responsible, and don't let their domination-fixated dogs go after the other dogs.
(and/or get 'help' with their domination-fixated pets).

(This is about why N. abuse is so painful for targets, and how it can cause so much damage. Not about why they do it.)

"Narcissistic Supply" Always Trumps "Loved Ones" Or "Friendship"

When a person with Narcissism describes someone as being a "nice person" (male or female), what they're actually saying is that the person gave them something that pleased them, either material or emotional. 
If that "nice person" was to treat their partner or friend with disrespect or even meanness, it wouldn't matter to the N, it wouldn't register as important or significant. ALL that matters is that the person keeps giving the N. something they want and like.

That "something" could be as simple as crumbs of attention, especially if the N. admires the person or wants their approval.
(For some, the absence of obvious rejection is the same as positive attention and acceptance.)
It could easily be some kind of praise, flirtation, ego-stroking, recognition, etc..
It could also be, and often IS, some kind of material object or supply, like work, money, opportunity for work or money, access to certain places or people, or other illegal and illicit things (per the individual, not all N's participate in illegal activity) such as drugs, stolen goods, or other 'supply'.

"Having connections" is BIG with people with Narcissism. Again, just "having connections" doesn't make a person a Narcissist, it's just one of the things that Narcissists tend to be attracted to; it makes them feel important and like a "key player" in a larger "operation".

For a Narcissist, getting something they want, 'need', and LIKE from another person always trumps the way that person conducts themselves, and treats other people, including the people connected to the Narcissist.

For a lot of people with Narcissism, they may actually LIKE IT when someone treats those they're "close to" with disrespect or abuse.
They get off on being one of the people who is in the "bully" group, and not in the "target" group. Being associated with a bully can give them a sense of power and control over the person who's being targeted.

Objectivity And Recovery

One of the hurtles to recovery that many targets face is the desire for the other person (or people) to be accountable.
This is why detachment, objectivity, and awareness of mental and emotional illness is our "friend".

If we get stung by a hornet (as a mentally healthy adult), we don't expect the hornet to feel remorse, to admit wrong-doing, to apologize, or to make amends and try to repair the relationship. We know it's a hornet, and that's what hornets DO when they react to a possible threat. Hornets don't ask questions, they don't find out what a person's intention was, they just notice that there's movement and react to it.
We know this, so we stay away from them in the first place, and if we do get stung, we don't take it personally, or demand justice or restitution from the hornet. (The exception to this would be a person with certain mental illness who does take everything personally, including the way wild animals behave, or even the weather).

When we're able to detach ourselves more and more, and look at mental/emotional illness from an objective, non-personal point of view (including narcissism), we are better able to see it more clearly.

For example, if OUR dog becomes vicious and starts biting people, then the experience is personal, we would feel like the dog's viciousness and behavior was directly attached to us, and we would feel so much emotion about it (hopefully) that we would be hard-pressed to look at the dog and the situation in a NEUTRAL, "scientific" light. But if that SAME dog was at the Shelter, and we hadn't adopted it yet, we would be much more able to listen to the facts about the dog's past, the dog's breed, the dog's disposition, and the reasons that the dog has become "vicious". We would KNOW that the dog's viciousness was not ABOUT US, and the dog hadn't attacked us or anyone we know, so we wouldn't FEEL very much at all toward or about the dog, or the viciousness.

It wouldn't be OUR dog, it would just be a dog that happened to have some kind of aggression issue, and we would be more able to go over reasons why this stranger-dog might be vicious, without deep feelings about it.

The reasons we want to know WHY the dog is vicious are many, and are VALID.
(Controllers often try to 'invalidate' other people's reasons for seeking information and knowledge, as if there is no "real" or "good" reason for a person wanting to learn about, study, and know more about something, and as if that's their judgment to make.)

Dogs live in our communities, we're around them all the time. Also, if we want to adopt a dog, we need to know about them and their tendencies, and what to look for. Vicious dogs are no joke, they can turn on anyone and hurt them seriously. And when they do turn on a person, even if they don't cause much damage, they usually get "put down", and on top of that, the dog-owner may get sued. So if we don't take that seriously, we're being irresponsible.
We want to know WHY dogs can be vicious, so we know what we can do to prevent it (like treating a puppy properly, giving it proper healthcare, training the puppy properly, and not allowing abusive people near the puppy.)
We want to know what signs a dog might display that signal "viciousness", so we don't unknowingly approach a biting dog, provoke one, or adopt one.
We also want to know how to deal with a vicious dog when we find ourselves being threatened or attacked by one, and how to get away hopefully in one piece. (What's really the best way to deal with it? What if there's nothing around to use as a weapon? What if the dog is very large? What if there's nowhere to climb or hide? What if the dog is injured or sick?)

*(A person with certain mental illness, hostility fixation, or lack of maturity might say something like "I'd just punch it in the face" or "Just kick it" or "That's why I always carry pepper spray/a taser/a knife, etc." instead of wanting to know more information that could be useful; they have to be seen as 'the expert' and 'more knowledgeable than you' in all things, all the time. They might listen to the 'Dog Whisperer', but only because he's famous and has a title, and also possibly because he's male, or because he has a nice smile, or he's the 'right' ancestry, or not the 'wrong' one. But not really because he knows more than you do about dogs~~~ If every time you speak, the N. argues or counters you, how are they going to know how much you know about dogs? They already ASSUME that they know your level of expertise, based on nothing but the fact that you're NOT FAMOUS for it, or because of the way you look, so they have no interest in finding out how much you know.)

Another simple example of how we are more able to understand when we're "detached" and objective can be seen using the Venus Fly Trap plant. A lot of people adopt the Venus Fly Trap because they're fascinated by a "meat eating plant", and have assumptions about their plant's "motives" that they usually base on themselves and animals. So a child gets a Venus Fly Trap and "feeds" it flies or pieces of meat for a week or so, and that's cool at first, but after a while it starts to get boring because it turns out that the Fly Trap is not dangerous or voracious. It simply supplements its nutrition with protein from insects that get trapped in its "mouth". The inside of the "mouth" has trigger-hairs that signal it to close when something touches them enough, and the insect gets trapped inside and eventually dies. So, when the excitement about having a "meat-eating plant" goes away because the Fly Trap's mechanism is more clearly understood, the fascination and also any fear of getting "bitten" goes away too.
If the Venus Fly Trap DID "bite" the person's finger, it's a lot less interesting or scary when it turns out that the only reason the "mouth" closed was because those "hairs" were touched and triggered. It would have "bit" a pencil too, for the same reason. In other words, that's what they DO, regardless of WHO or WHAT is triggering those "hairs".

When we are able to view animals, plants, and other people with more objectivity, more detachment, and LESS attachment and personalization, it becomes easier FOR US to process what's going on, what's happening, and why. When we can view ourselves in more of that objective light, that helps us even further. It's something that even experienced scientists have to practice, it's not easy and no one who's normal-human can do it all the time or with everything, but practicing objectivity is tremendously helpful in the journey of recovery.