Compulsive Provocation And Domination

It's not necessarily obvious, it doesn't always look like abuse. Sometimes it looks a lot like normal and healthy human interaction. Humans are clever and know how to make dominating, manipulative or abusive behavior look innocent, like "concern", "warning", "innocent curiosity", "playfulness", "ignorance", or "assistance".
~
Like a cat who gets a charge out of messing with another cat, or another animal, the desire and compulsion to push down on another person (or an animal), to poke, pinch, provoke, instigate, sabotage, and dominate, are common in Narcissists, both figuratively and literally.
~
Doing something to CAUSE AN EFFECT is part of the compulsion, like a child spitting or dropping something off the top of a tall building just to see what happens. Or like stepping on bubble wrap to hear and feel the "pop".
~
Domination over another living thing (human or animal) is another part of this compulsion. A cat will poke at another animal to see what it does, to make it move, or to make it jump. The cat pokes the other animal, and then WATCHES it. When the animal stops responding to the poke, the cat does it again, because of the charge it's getting out of it. Cats are compelled to do this, and they obviously like the little thrill they get from causing another animal to move.
~
HUMANS have the same compulsion process, but growing out of this during youth is the healthy course of maturation. Some human children get a bigger "charge" out of this behavior than others, and some are not guided to mature out of it for whatever circumstantial reasons. Still others are encouraged to do it MORE, as if the compulsion to dominate and provoke others is a good thing, instead of being taught to master their own actions and compulsions.
~
Chimpanzees also share this compulsion, as do many other predatory animals, and even some non-predatory animals. Some do it only for play, while others will take it much farther, causing a little harm, a lot of harm, and even death. (Humans belong to the group that takes this compulsion of domination farther, along with cats.)
~
This behavior is not rare, but it's not conducive to the survival of the species since Humans who have not matured out of this compulsive behavior will do it just as much to other humans as they do to other animals. 

When Your Partner's Friends And Family Don't Welcome You Into Their "Circle"

A reader asks:

"Why don't my partner's friends or certain family members welcome me, or treat me with respect?"

(This question should also always be followed by: "How does my partner deal with this?")

There are many reasons why your partner's friends or family members don't roll out the welcome mat, or even behave with courtesy and civility. As you may have guessed, most of those reasons are based in insecurity and a lack of maturity. Occasionally, however, there may be other reasons, such as their knowledge of your partner's history that you don't have; they may be distancing themselves from you because they know you're not going to be together next year, or that you'll probably run when your partner shows his or her controlling personality. They may be worried that you'll find out about a shameful secret, and so closing you out seems like a way to prevent that from happening.

Usually, though, the reasons people will treat their friend or family members' new partner with a lack of welcoming or a lack of respect is due to their own insecurity, jealousy, envy, or fear of losing control over the person. Someone who has had a secret attraction toward your partner may show it in their lack of civility and respect toward you. Those who have been using your partner for whatever reason will most likely be worried that you'll see through their agenda, and may try to turn your partner against you, or slander you in the larger group, trying to turn everyone against you. Those who are dependent on your partner in an unhealthy way may also be worried that your presence means they will be left behind or abandoned, and may also try to turn your partner against you, or turn the larger group against you. Anyone who has been keeping your partner as a "sidekick", or treating your partner with disrespect for any length of time is of course going to be immediately defensive toward you, fearing that you'll notice their behavior and true intention. Still others may fear that you "out shine" them personally in some way, and simply immediately envy you, and don't want you around~ they might base their identity on being the "cute one" in the group (whether anyone else knows that or not), and your "cuteness" threatens their ego. It might be that they're the "funny one", or the "smart one", or the "talented one", or the "responsible one", the "tough one", etc, etc, and they can't have you messing up their "specialness", because to them, it's their Position in the group. (Yes, there are lots of people who have identity issues like that.)

There isn't really that much more to it besides insecurity, arrogance, control, and a lack of good manners. If they're treating you with disrespect because they think you're not good for their friend or family member, then they're just showing bad manners and control issues. If they were truly concerned about their family member or friend, they would take it up with them, privately; not humiliate them and cause them more problems by treating you disrespectfully. Barring actual abuse, there's no valid reason to show a friend or family member's partner disrespect or rejection, it's very disrespectful to the friend or family member, and it's a blatant lack of basic civility and manners.

When the person in question is a child, then the way the adults handle the situation is extremely important, and will dictate most of the outcome, the future of the relationships. Of course a child is going to be leery of someone new entering their lives. Even if the child likes them individually, the fact that this new person is connected in a close relationship to someone who's important to them means that their own life is probably going to change, and they have no idea how. Also, if another adult is influencing the child to dislike the new partner, then the situation can escalate to dramatic proportions, causing the child serious stress. In a healthy family or friendship circle, all adults act as decent role models, demonstrating respectful, civil, and cooperative behavior, which make children feel safe and respond to favorably, learning how to deal with change, and learning how to treat others respectfully while maintaining their own personal healthy boundaries and identity.

The Happy Conductor (N)

"I get to be the boss because I'm the Best Person here!"
~
"The Happy Conductor"
Perhaps the majority of people who have Narcissism traits could be categorized under this term. The analogy depicts a Conductor of an orchestra who is very happy in his or her position, not so much for the sheer love of music, but because he or she believes that the position indicates superiority over others, and gives them prestige and control. The Happy Conductor loves to tell others what to do above all things, and deludes themselves about their own expertise, so much so that many others buy into the delusion and believe it also. This person relies on having others around to carry out the tasks that he or she assigns them and TAKES CREDIT FOR.
~
NOT TO BE CONFUSED with a genuine Conductor of an orchestra, choir, or other musical ensemble, who is actually filling the position because he or she is pretty good at it and enjoys doing it, enjoys the resonance and the dynamics of the musicians together, enjoys the opportunity to participate in helping a piece of music to soar, and/or because someone needs to do it because everyone else is playing or singing.  I have experienced personally the wonderful, even uplifting influence a really good Conductor can have on the performance of a music ensemble, and can report that it can be amazing. A good Conductor believes in the other people who make up the ensemble, does not have a superiority complex, and is focused on the flow of the music. An inflated ego actually blocks the beauty and flow of great music; humility allows it to flow, and helps to increase and build the resonance. (See J.S. Bach, one of the greatest composers of all time.)
~
The Happy Conductor N. often actually believes he or she is innately supreme in understanding music on all levels, that others don't really "get music" like he or she does, and that everyone with any intelligence should RECOGNIZE this about him or her. The Happy Conductor is oblivious to the reality that someone else nearby is actually either on the same level of understanding and talent, or ABOVE his or her level of understanding. Remove the word "music" and enter any other subject in its place, and the analogy is easily applied to any other situation.
~
The Happy Conductor N. will delegate, orchestrate, and conduct any situation that he or she can get away with, regardless of his or her actual knowledge or experience. Their belief in their innate superiority is all they need; they will hop right up on the Conductor's platform, and often even knock down the person who's already up there doing the job if they can, even if that person actually IS an "expert", or is doing a fine job. The Happy Conductor just wants to be in the "Leader" position because he or she LIKES IT THERE BEST. Not for any other reason.
~
The requirements for "getting away with" being in the position of "Leader" are few (actual superior ability isn't one of them):
1) They need to be pretty good at giving SOCIAL SIGNALS (vocal tone, body language, appearance, and wording) that say "I Am Your Leader"
2) They need people around them who respond to those Social Signals, who buy into them, and accept the person as "Leader".
~
They MUST have people who will respond to their "Leader" social signals, or they're SUNK, because they can't actually perform the tasks they take credit for and pretend to know about. Therefore when someone comes along who is an independent thinker, who does not respond to their "Leader" signals by following and agreeing, they must REJECT them somehow, get away from them, make distance. This independent thinker person might see through the domination techniques, might have real expertise, and is therefore an exposure risk. (The worst fear for a Narcissist is exposure of their manipulation).
~
If one of their "subjects" is within eyesight or earshot, the Happy Conductor is probably telling them what to do or how they should do it better. If the lips are moving, there are probably instructions, criticism, or announcements coming out of them. They always seem to be in the middle of what others are trying to do, or one step ahead, because that's what they DO - they actually step in front of others, both literally and figuratively, so they can "Lead". They will actually see that a person is going to do something, and walk in front of them to do it FIRST, or do it FOR THEM. They may sabotage or block the person from their intended task, be it large or small (even really small, like getting a helping of potatoes.) Their goal is always to feel like they're in charge and "ahead", either of one person or many, and they will continuously do little or big things to maintain that feeling. They might walk ahead of you and faster than you, and then judge you as "lesser" because you're "slow" or "behind" (the concept of walking WITH you, or not judging you at all, doesn't occur to them, because trying to be superior is always on their mind.)

You might notice that they constantly speak to you as if you don't know what they know, or have never experienced what they have, or don't "get" things that they "get". This is because they're constantly trying to find something to make you inferior in some way, and themselves superior. It's a little "fix" that they're always trying to score, and they can get frustrated and resentful when they can't get their fix because they can't find anything that you are clueless about. They might accuse you of being a know-it-all... because they keep failing in their attempt to prove they know something that you don't. (They don't realize that their attempts to prove they know more than you do is the Narc. behavior).

Condescension is ever-present, because the Happy Conductor is fixated on being the One Who Knows Better, and The One Who Is More Capable. Anecdotes, jokes, physical complaints, or negative judgments about others usually fill in the rest of air time.
~
Being taller than others around (or just taller than the people one is trying to dominate) is a HUGE help if one is trying to be any kind of "Leader"; most people don't realize they have AUTOMATIC subconscious responses to those who are bigger than they are, or who ACT bigger. It's pretty obvious where it comes from if we think about it, really, it's just from growing up. When we were children for all those years, almost anyone who was taller was OLDER than us, and therefore had authority over us. Bigger, older kids were actual threats to us, physically, and would bully us on a regular basis. Adults were literally constantly telling us what to do, and we learned that rebellion brings consequences. Most of us don't become aware of our automatic assumption that those who are taller are "Leaders", and those who are smaller don't "deserve" Leadership positions even if, in reality, they are actually the best person for the job.
Without guidance in becoming aware of this common subconscious reaction, a person may remain oblivious to it for their whole lives, and actually believe that anyone shorter is less capable, and anyone taller is more capable, and treat them accordingly, both in personal AND in business situations. Many who are much shorter or much taller than average are quite aware of this automatic response in humans, and quite aware of how nonsensical and illogical it is, and how much chaos and consequence it causes in the world.
~
This kind of "Happy Conductor N." is probably the most common, and can be found "Conducting" anything from a large corporation to a national government, to a smaller business, to a military outfit, to a real orchestra or a rock band, to a community organization, to a family household. Although height helps tremendously, there are plenty who don't need it to attain their "Leader" position. Although, remaining in that position over time is much easier WITH height than without it, because humans are much less likely to try to thwart or dominate a person who is taller than they are, especially a male. (Sociopaths who also have higher intelligence/awareness than other sociopaths are more likely to be aware of having this particular advantage, and use it purposefully; other Narcissists may simply believe that they are ACTUALLY superior because they are tall, or because they are male, or both, and that their imagined innate supremacy is why people allow them to "Lead".

(It's less common for a female to believe she's superior because of her sex, simply because humans (both male and female) in  Patriarchal cultures usually try to dominate females, and seek leadership OVER them, so female Narcissists don't get nearly as much automatic subconscious favoritism and submission behavior from other people as males do. Female Narcissists also often have male bias, anti-female-bias, or try to be associated with males, because they want to be seen as a member of the favored or more powerful group (just like male Narcissists). In a truly Matriarchal culture, the automatic responses might be reversed, but only if children were exposed to adults who treat females as superior to males in the same way our current cultures treat males as superior to females in front of children.)
~