Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers (every time)

Controller: "What do you feel like for supper? Anything you want!"
Target: "Italian food!"
Controller: "How about Mexican."

C: "What kind of bird is that?"
T: "It's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "No it's not, it's some kind of pigeon."
T: "No, it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "Whatever. Looks like a pigeon to me."

C: "Which singer do you like the best?"
T: "Steve Perry"
C: "Oh he sucks, and he's overrated. Robert Plant is way better."
T: "Also Whitney Houston"
C: "She was a druggie, I didn't like her voice, too squeaky."

C: "Where do you want to meet?"
T: "At the mall"
C: "How about at the commuter parking lot."
T: "Okay, we'll meet at the commuter parking lot."
C: "Let's meet at McDonald's"

C: "Which kind of donut do you want?"
T: "Boston Creme"
C: "Really? Why don't you want a jelly, they're better"

C: "Did you see the weather report?"
T: "They said it's going to rain."
C: "No, it's going to be nice out all day, see how the clouds are?"
T: "I don't know, that's what the report said, go look at the radar."
C: "No I don't need to look at the radar, I can tell by the sky."

C: "Want to go to the park tomorrow?"
T: "Sure! What time do you want to go?"
C: "Well I might have to work, and then I have to mow the lawn, and then I'm stopping at my friend's house. I'll let you know when I'm done."

It's all about CONTROL, control, control, and keeping control. The actual activities and information are not the real focus, and aren't important. The exchanges are just tactics to establish, maintain and reaffirm control.

One-Way-Communication: Narcissist Flag

Narcissist Flag, One-Way-Communication



Talking at length about bad things or good things that happened to them (relatively "normal")... seeking support, comfort, positive feedback, or celebration (completely "normal")...  making observations and information statements (pretty "normal").
All pretty normal; might seem a bit verbose, but that's not "Narcissism", that can just be personal communication style, even a family or regional communication style.
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The Narc. part is in their response when the OTHER person shares THEIR good things or bad things that have happened to them, or makes observational or informational statements.
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Talking about one's self, one's own experiences, or making observational statements during a conversation with a Narcissist means only one thing: the Narcissist is no longer in the spotlight, the direction of attention has SWITCHED from being on THEM to being on the OTHER PERSON. So the responses from them will range from invalidation to personal insults, to head-nodding, condescension, to unsolicited advice*, to countering, to talking over the person, to complete silence and total NON-response. Sometimes they aren't even listening at ALL, they are just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.

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Basically the only time during the conversation the Narcissist is being "nice" is when the other person is behaving like an audience: a cheerleader, a sympathetic ear, a novice beginner  who believes everything they say and has zero knowledge or experience of their own, a sycophant who hangs on their every word with no input or talent of their own.

*(unsolicited advice: the person did NOT ask for advice nor gave consent to hear any, but here it comes anyway, often condescending and presumptuous)

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Narcissists seek "audience members", not reciprocal friendships. They seek compassion and sympathy from others, but not as peers, more like as parents who will cradle a favored child and protect them from the other "bad" siblings, or as a teacher who favors one of their students against the other "bad" students. In making observations and information statements, they fancy themselves "teachers", "experts", "Ones Who Have Arrived".

Therefore~ when their Audience Member starts telling something good that happened to them, or things they've accomplished or experienced, the Narcissist gets annoyed~ they're not supposed to be in the spotlight, they're supposed to stay down in the audience! How selfish of them to try to STEAL the spotlight!

When their sympathetic ear, shoulder, and cradle starts to tell about a painful or frustrating experience, or something they're sad about, the Narcissist again gets annoyed~ they're supposed to STAY in that listener/sympathizer role because NOTHING in their lives could EVER BE as bad as what the Narcissist has been through or is dealing with, they MUST BE making a huge deal out of nothing, and really need to grow a thicker skin, and stop being so pathetic, and stop trying to get sympathy...!!! (And stop talking about things the Narcissist has done to others... but that doesn't get announced out loud...)

When their novice beginner student displays some kind of "knowledge" or "experience", that means the Narcissist has to SWITCH ROLES and get off his or her Podium, which will not do. The Narcissist HAS TO BE the "Teacher", the "Expert", the "One Who Knows MORE", "The One Who Has More Experience or Skill". (That's why they TROLL, condescend, and constantly counter other people's blogs and posts.)  They can't just join a conversation and ADD their own point of view or experiences, or answer a question without condescension or insult; they have to say the person is "wrong" or "stupid".
(It's not Narcissism just because we disagree with someone politely, or when we stand up against someone who is spewing hate speech. It is Narcissism when a person is trying to hammer another person down or humiliate them because they want to be seen as "right".)

Who Is The Narcissist?

Ironically, Narcissists will accuse another person of being  narcissistic, self-centered, or arrogant when the other person doesn't agree with everything they say, even if it's about them personally, such as "your favorite color is green" or "you like seafood" or "you are angry because..." or "you aren't good at..." or "you don't know much about...". They will also accuse them of narcissism or arrogance when they don't put up with their countering and personal insults during a conversation. They seem oblivious to their hostile behavior and disrespectful treatment, and they don't seem to know how to share their own point of view or observations WITHOUT saying the other person is "wrong". They seem to think that if they have another point of view or additional experience, it means that anything outside of that is "incorrect". (If two people climbed the same mountain on opposite sides and one of them was a Narcissist, when they reported their different experiences, the Narcissist's experience would be the one that was "right", and the other's would be "wrong", and the Narcissist would really believe that to be so. They would counter the other person's account of their climb experience, and possibly even accuse them of making things up that didn't match the Narcissist's perception. They can't ADD the two experiences together, and can't conceive that someone knows something they don't, or has experienced something that they have not. it has to be "right" or "wrong". The exception to this is with a person they have placed on a pedestal as a superhuman "expert/guru" who is above everyone (in their minds). They will keep them on that pedestal and probably try to be associated with them and/or mimic them, ... unless they get to know them personally, and then that person will become a target as well eventually.)