On The Same Page

Narcissists only "like" you when you are on the same page as they are.
But it's not just the same page, it's the same paragraph, the same font, the same paper grade, the same book, the same volume, the same series, and it's the ONLY PAGE you're interested in reading, and you agree with every word on that page. If you even breathe a word that's not on that page, you're WRONG, rebellious, dramatic,... and argumentative. If you want them to read YOUR PAGE, you're being SELF-CENTERED, needy, demanding, and attention-seeking. Reading YOUR page means they would have to stop reading THEIR page for a little while, and that's not fun or comfortable!
~Besides, what were you doing writing your OWN PAGE, when all of your attention should have been focused on THEIRS?! (Now you've done it!) ... ... ...

How Do Controllers Stay In Their Control Positions?

How do they (Controllers, Narcissists, Bullies) STAY in that "leader" position like they do? Even though you can see clearly how disrespectful and condescending they are?
~~~ That IS how they stay in that position, by being condescending, disrespectful, and invalidating.

That's their tool kit.

They are constantly signaling things like "I know what I'm talking about" and "I know what I'm doing",... which sound like healthy confidence... BUT! With Controllers and Narcissists, those signals are not all by themselves.
They are ACCOMPANIED BY signals such as:
"You aren't as capable",
"Don't listen to HER",
"He doesn't know what he's doing",
"She's crazy",
"He's a loser",
"WE don't like her",
"WE don't care what he or she says",
"We don't need to listen to him",
"Your ideas and opinions are weird/silly/dumb"
"She doesn't fit in".
Those signals are usually subtle, but since humans are group creatures, our brains are finely tuned to pick up on subtle social signals. This is a REALLY IMPORTANT fact regarding human behavior and control. Remember that experiment where one person looks up, so everyone else does too? Instantly? That's how attuned we are. When one person treats someone with disdain, disrespect, or invalidation, that's a signal to everyone else that says "look everyone, this person isn't as good as we are."

THIS is why everyone just goes along with the way people are treating a person. If everyone seems to think a person is "cool" or "knowledgeable" for any random reason, then the human brain tends to just BELIEVE and follow the signals from other people.

If no one is paying attention to the small band playing on the corner, then the crowd walks past. If a group of three or more people stops to listen, a crowd gathers behind them.

This is VERY well known in the entertainment industry, in marketing, in business, but for some... reason... we seem to want to deny that it's no different in social interactions.

We are TOLD by the Controller that they're the "boss". Those around him or her who are following along with the Controller's social signals will back them up, because they believe it's true. When the Controller IGNORES something you said, you might feel like you said something "wrong" or silly. When others witness the Controller IGNORING YOU, they will tend to GO ALONG WITH the social signal, INSTEAD OF standing up for you. The more the Controller sends this "IGNORE HER" signal, the more people will buy into believing that you are less worthy and less significant, and the higher the Controller's level of "Boss" will rise (in their minds). You may buy into it as well if you don't realize what's going on (often because you like or trust the person).

Politicians use this all the time, every day, on purpose. Buying into the belief that everyone in one Party is "good" and the other is "bad" is now very common, and shows just how good they are at this social signaling game.

MOST Controllers do social signaling pretty well, from small social groups to large governments, and it's literally how they are able to stay in a Control position no matter how corrupt, how disrespectful, and how unfair they really are. It even works on Facebook.

On an observational note, Controllers often reveal themselves when they feel threatened that someone sees through the social signal manipulation. They may target the person for social manipulation, either trying to turn everyone against them in a hostility campaign, or trying to get everyone to shun them (exclude them, leave them out, ignore them). Amazingly, since many humans are so easily influenced by social signaling, they often go right along with the Controller's agenda without stopping to think for themselves.


Personal vent creep-out:
People who don't think women are, can, or should be: funny, confident, smart, experienced, skilled, strong, or wise.

Gives me major heebie-jeebies...
unnatural and abnormal...

The Cool Kids, The In Crowd (After High School)

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together~

One of the more visible developmental delays that can occur in those who have been groomed as a "Golden Child", and also those who have experienced trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in childhood including those who display certain personality disorder traits is a tendency to "flock" with others who are like themselves in very specific ways.

Exclusively gathering and interacting with ONLY those they feel comfortable with, and rejecting those who don't "fit in" with their crowd and group is a process that children go through in their development. When they go all the way through this process, they learn how to accept that others can be different from themselves but are still "okay", and that those who are not extremely similar to them are just as real, valid, and deserving of respect and civility.

They're learning how to interact and get along on their own in larger peer groups without adult supervision, and learning how to choose their own associates OUTSIDE the parameters that adults set for them, such as school, family, and neighborhoods.

IF they have not developed strong, healthy boundaries due to a lack of safe haven, a chaotic household, lack of healthy adult guidance, Golden Child treatment, or trauma beyond their family's control, a young person is likely to seek out other youths who "match" their own emotional profile more than they would have "normally", because it feels safe. They seek out those who may have similar emotional/psychological injuries and boundary weaknesses, because they feel like they "get" each other. Again, this is a normal developmental stage, but because of traumatic or abnormal experiences, it becomes exaggerated, magnified, and "stuck". Much of the time youths who gather for these reasons will help one another develop "shells" to protect themselves from the harsh world they live in. Since they're children, they are unlikely to know the difference between a "boundary" and a "shell", or a "wall".

When these youths grow to adulthood without healing their wounded and weakened boundaries (which is very common), they tend to stay in this developmental period, and don't process all the way through it to the other side. So they don't develop the ability to make acquaintances and friends with varying interests, different personalities, different backgrounds, or different points of view.

They tend to stay in the adolescent growth period where they only listened to certain music and connected with only people who also listened to that certain music. Or only people who played SPORTS, or who played the same sport, or who were "into" Major League sports. They might have only hung out with people who were into the same social groups, or were in a similar wealth or poverty position. They might have only gathered with people who dressed the same, or had a similar body type. Many kids go through this stage including only the same sex in their group, and excluding the opposite sex, as if they are different tribes or even species.

Adults who remain in this stage remain in the "Us vs. Them" period. "We" are the good ones, the cool ones, the strong ones, the ones who get it, and "They" are the others; anyone who doesn't fit in with "us".

Unfortunately, this "Us" crowd often involves destructive behaviors and unhealthy beliefs and intentions. Members of a group may be "bonding" on things such as hostility toward others, self-righteousness over others, privilege over others, entitlement, racial or gender supremacy, crime, corruption, and oppression. 
They may be bonding on things such as shame, guilt, emotional injury, rejection, ostracism, but instead of helping one another heal, they may instead "help" each other self-destruct, or cause harm to others.

This developmental stage is when we are learning to interact with others civilly and productively, and find our own companions without adult supervision and parameters. If a person has not grown and processed through this stage, then they're still in it, and have not finished learning what they would have learned. It also means that their boundaries are probably not strong enough to interact with others who don't "match" them closely enough. So the 40 year-old "jock" does not know how to interact with those who are not also "jocks", and feels uncomfortable around those who aren't "jocks". The 55 year-old "punk rocker" will feel uncomfortable around those who aren't also "punks". Many who are stuck in this stage only think of those of the same sex as being "real" or "like me", and don't actually have real platonic friends/buddies of the opposite sex. They may be stuck in racial prejudices. They may feel very uncomfortable any time they're "out of their element", even when others around them are quite polite and kind. They often "don't like" those who seem too "different" from them, just like kids of Junior and Senior High School age who are going through this stage.

Processing through this stage as an adult can be difficult, because it often means maturing past the level that many of the people in one's "crowd" are at. However once one becomes aware of this developmental delay in one's self, it's natural to grow and mature through it. It's a matter of becoming "unstuck"; once the growth begins again, the person can really flourish, and will be very uncomfortable if someone is trying to hold them back. 

 By M.M.Black ©2013