Group Treating You Rudely Or Weirdly

A whole group of people you have little contact with acts weird around you, doesn't talk to you, doesn't greet you, ignores you when you speak, treats you stand-offishly like you'll contaminate them or like you're a time bomb ready to go off.

You know you haven't done anything awful that would make people dislike you or lose respect for you, so you start wondering about your appearance. You find a mirror and you check yourself out, yup, nothing weird, your hair looks alright, nothing strange. You don't smell bad, either.

So what the heck is up with these people treating you like you're not welcome, like you don't belong, like you're some kind of pariah, like you're one of the "staff" at the White House who's just decided to sit down at a Presidential banquet with the guests?

There are a few possibilities.

First, are you sure they're treating you weird, for THEM? Are you sure they're not just like this all the time, and just have very bad or completely absent social skills or manners? You might be taking their very rude behavior personally when it has nothing to do with you, it's how they always act.

Along those same lines, could it be cultural? There are some extreme differences between many cultural social habits, one group's "good manners" can seem very rude, arrogant, or controlling to others. Of course some cultures actually tend to think of themselves as superior, so they ARE being rude, arrogant or controlling, but it's still not personal, it's them, not you. (I probably wouldn't stay around unless I felt I had to for some very important reason, myself.)

If that's not the case and you're sure of it, and especially if this group is not culturally different from you, then take a moment and review a few things.

Who is connected both to you and to this group?
Would that person talk about you negatively behind your back?
Does that person speak negatively about others in general?
Does that person tend to seek attention, or want to be liked or admired, and might throw you under the bus in order to make sure people like them MORE than you?
Would that person imply to others that you are a burden to them, or are hostile, ungrateful, or mentally unstable? In order to prevent people from liking you, respecting you, or finding you attractive or intelligent? In order to turn people against you and give sympathy to them?

If that's not the case either, and you're sure, then what about the prejudice, bigotry, and bias issues of this group? What is your sex, your age, and your ancestry? Do they have bias for the other sex, but bias against yours? Are they rude, disrespectful, condescending and unsupportive to people of your sex? Do they tend to think of your sex in certain parameters, but not really as "people", or as "equals" to the other sex?
If this is the case, then protecting one's self from them might be what you need to focus on instead of social interaction. You might not be safe either socially or physically.

Are they ignoring you because you're of a different age group, younger or older? Many people do this when they're around their peers, no matter how old or young they are. They may not even realize they're doing it. If they're young or if they're elderly, just deal with it, it's probably not personal at all. If they're closer to your age, though, it might be intentional arrogant and rude behavior; watch your back, and ignore their rude speech or actions. Maybe just leave if there's nothing important going on.

Are they trying to send a message that you're not really welcome because of your different ancestral features? (Ancestral prejudice can even be seen in humans within the same ancestral groups who have slightly different features, like the color of a person's hair or the shape of their nose.)

Could they be very shy, and are afraid to speak to you? Perhaps because you are "different" from the rest of the group, or very tall, or very good-looking, or they think you're very accomplished, wealthy, or well-traveled?
Shyness is often misconstrued as arrogance; you may take their shyness as arrogance, or they may take yours as arrogance.

If it's not that, could it be that your manner is actually more civil and polite than theirs, and they are used to people being loud or obnoxious? This still falls under the category of lacking social graces, but it could be that they think you're keeping your distance on purpose if this is the case. In other words, you're not yelling and making sweeping gestures to get attention, so you must not want attention... some groups in some regions act and think this way.

Are you often told you are good-looking, or do you have any physical disabilities or differences? Immature people who have not learned social graces, or who are insecure with themselves, will often group together and talk about an attractive person who enters the room, or a person who has a different physical appearance, and will be reluctant to talk to them out of intimidation, or will spread negative implications about them to the rest of the group.

Are you very short or very tall? Again, immature people are often fixated on a person who enters the room who is physically "different" from themselves, and they will often simply not speak to the person.

If a group is suddenly treating you differently when they are your friends or family, or coworkers, or classmates, or neighbors, then the possibility of someone trashing you behind your back is high. If they are all very immature, then they would be much more likely to just go along with it willingly instead of standing up for you or not believing it. If they've been envious or jealous of you, that's a big motivation for going along with gossip. Resentment is another one. But simple ridiculous arrogance and self-righteousness are the biggest ones. Take this as a warning that you're dealing with unscrupulous people, and it might be time to look for new friends, and stop trusting these people so much, or expecting good manners or intentions from them. 

Shame As Control

Controllers, especially Narcissistic Controllers, assign "shame" to everything and anything. They learned that shame can be used as a very effective control tool, like a Riding Crop. (Horse whip stick thing). Most likely they picked up the behavior during childhood, and probably not only from someone doing it to THEM, but also from watching it being done to others.

So if their father used shame as a control against their mother, or vice versa, or both, they received constant "lessons". If their parents did it to their sibling, again, continual lessons, up close and personal. They may have joined in shaming the person or people in their family who were receiving the shame-treatment instead of standing up for them, because it made them feel like they were HOLDING the Crop, and therefore one of the "important people", instead of getting stung with the Crop, and apparently being one of the "unimportant people". .

They may also have learned it from other relatives OR FROM THEIR COMMUNITY, like in school, for example. Narcissistic faculty (teachers, coaches, principals, etc.) also use shame and humiliation to control or hurt students, and don't stop other children from doing it to other children, either.

A Narcissistic Controller will cast shame on a person for pretty much anything at all, and claim self-righteousness at the same time.

So you ought to be ashamed and embarrassed for leaving the lid off the sugar bowl.... I would NEVER do that, and neither would the rest of the family!!! Except for that loser no-account Donald. HE leaves the lid off the sugar bowl too... AND he hangs around with that loser friend of his, that weird one who doesn't kill hornets... he let's them gooooo..."

ANYTHING and anything, and anything.

If you're a Republican you're "bad", if you're a Democrat you're "bad", if you belong to a different church than theirs your "bad", if you go to church at all you're "bad", if you don't wear the same clothes as they do you're "bad", if you didn't wash your car you're "bad", if you don't do a job that fits their stereotype of the way you look you're not only "bad" but you're "crazy" too...

You didn't shut the lamp off, so "whack!" with a little shame... you didn't turn the lamp ON, so "whack!" with some more shame...

What's up that haircut, that shirt, those shoes, your goals, your college subject, the fact that you aren't in college, the kind of dog you have, how many cats you have, how you don't have a pet, how you have a big house, how you have a tiny apartment... etc ad infinitum...


By the time a target reaches adulthood, they may not be able to discern what a GENUINELY "shameful" act would be or would NOT be, so they can end up feeling shame for anything they do, and often, regardless of what they're doing. A Target can end up feeling shame attached to buttoning their own shirt to get ready for work. Or for getting ready for work. Or for having a job. Or for calling in sick because they broke their leg. Or for talking to an old friend. Etc. etc.

They inherited the Crop/Whip from someone during their childhood, almost certainly.

The holder of the Riding Crop is the one who uses it to sting and control the horse. The horse does not have one, or hold one. If the horse were to defend itself from the whip of the Crop, the horse would receive more stings.

The Narcissist sees themselves as the "trainer", the "rider", the Holder of the Riding Crop, and their target as the horse who of course is always the one being told what to do, and always the one being GIVEN consequences, never GIVING them. In the Narcissist's mind, as in the Horse rider/trainer's mind, the roles are never reversed, and they are never "peers".  

Fantasy Land And Narcissistic Abuse

One of the most profound effects of Narcissistic abuse and control is on the target's ability to feel safe in the world of humans.
Most people live in a state of fantasy, naivete, and ignorance about the "world", about other humans. The brain creates this fantasy on purpose in order for us to go about our day and our lives in relatively happy bliss; we actually delete and ignore information that's right in front of us that makes us feel uncomfortable, like the fact that meteors fall constantly, for example, or that the balance of the natural world that keeps us alive could slip at any moment, or mundane things like about how ACTUALLY dangerous is it to drive on the highway. But it also ignores or deletes unsettling information we see clearly and blatantly about those close to us, those around us, AND about ourselves. So we go through life basically thinking everything is pretty much honky dory, not much to worry about, as long as things are going the way we expect and want.

But those who have been targets of abuse, especially Narcissistic abuse, find out about the hidden underbelly of human behavior and motivations, and find out the hard way. So the fantasies about "people are mostly good and kind" and "the world of humans is a safe and beautiful place" don't cover up the reality anymore, because one knows about the masks and the curtains. The brain has seen too much REAL information to continue the process of deleting and ignoring,
and then switches modes to a more realistic observational mode.
Targets are humans, so the realization of the actual potential motivations and intentions of people around them can cause anxiety or depression, because that's one's OWN species, those are the creatures one is supposed to live life WITH. And most still want to, to an extent, because wanting to is "normal human".
Since the other people around a harassment or abuse Target mostly still live in the fantasy the human brain creates of humans having good motives and good intentions, and that they themselves always have good motives and intentions, they often have a very hard time accepting or acknowledging what a Target has been through, or what a Target talks about. They don't WANT IT TO BE TRUE, and most likely can't handle it being true. If it's true about another human, then it might be true about themselves, too, and they can not deal with that or accept that. To them, that would be like accepting the reality that they could get wiped off the planet at any moment due to a natural event, or a car accident, or a sudden illness. They can't handle accepting that AND going about their usual day, or looking forward to their future plans. So they don't want to hear about it or know about it.

In order to keep denying, ignoring, and deleting, they may ignore, deny, or try to ostracize the person who was targeted by abuse. If they can make the PERSON go away, then the unhappy reality that they can't handle will go away too.

This is how the human brain works, and it's actually been proven by some reality-accepting scientists, who are few and far between. Humans don't like information that they don't like, so regardless of what it is, they will try to kick it away automatically. The less self-aware a human is, and the less they can deal with reality, the more they will do this. It's really their brain doing it, though.

Narcissistic abuse survivors may find themselves being ignored, disrespected, scapegoated, and treated more poorly than ever by others when they're trying to recover and rebuild their lives, because of this very thing. People who live in fantasy, which is most humans due to the brain's denial process, do NOT want to be shown or reminded that their fantasy they're using for living their life is not real, or that they themselves are not as lovely, logical, kind, helpful, strong, self-disciplined, or aware as they like to think of themselves. The very fact that the abuse survivor exists and shows up is evidence of all these things, and if the person starts TALKING about any of it, their defensiveness for their fantasy can increase immensely, so much so that they may try to humiliate the person so others won't like them, or try to make the person "invisible", or make them go away. 

Recovery may be greatly helped by working on understanding this human brain processing of denying and ignoring, because once we realize that's what humans do, we may no longer take it as personally, and we may be more able to discern who is actually trustworthy and who isn't, regardless of what type of relationship it is. Who will throw another person "under the bus" simply to protect their fantasy or their ego, and who won't. 

(If one wants to observe this process in action, simply bring up a subject that is outside of the known belief parameters of others. If you know that they want to believe, for example, that God doesn't exist, simply start  talking about God (nothing intense, controversial, or that could be construed as weird or shaming; something purposely light), and see what they say or do.
If you know they do believe in God but reject Evolution, you could bring up Evolution instead, but again in a light way, like "did you see the documentary on Dinosaurs that was on NatGeo the other was so neat... etc..."
A fun one is gender roles; if they think women can "only do" certain things, or that men can "only do" certain things, bring up professional female baseball, or your male friend who's a hair stylist, or your female friend's auto mechanic job and how hard she works, something like that.
Another fun one is whether pot is a drug, or whether it's "good" or "bad".
Another is cryptozoology (Loch Ness, Sasquatch, Yeti), and U

Simply broach whatever stance is opposite to the person's belief, but NOT in a personal or insulting way, or the observation is moot. (Saying "God doesn't exist" or "Evolution is stupid" is not broaching the topic, it's insulting and is provoking an argument.)
If they're objective and "logically minded" about a subject, they will be able to discuss all facets and all points of view relatively calmly and openly, without trying to "win", without rudeness such as interrupting, without condescension, verbal attack or insult, and without trying to shut the subject down. If they're in belief, they'll either try to "win", become hostile, or try to shut down the conversation.

When you bring up a subject, watch for body language. (You can do this with yourself too).
Actual physical "squirming" is usually one of the first reactions, because of a sensation of discomfort.
Another is random vocal noises, breathing noises, or movement noises.
Countering may be done, depending on the person's hostility and aggression issues.
Defensiveness may come out swinging, depending on how easily the person takes things personally, or how personal they feel about the subject, and how much they have made it a part of their own identity.
An immediate insult might come flying out of their mouth, like about your male stylist friend being gay, or your female auto mechanic friend getting her nails dirty.
Then turning one's head away,
turning one's body away,
looking off into another direction,
speaking to someone else blatantly over you,
trying to display "IGNORE" signals.
Then, changing the subject.
If that doesn't work, they may  suddenly feel ILL or have a pain,
or need to go to the bathroom,
or need to get off the phone if they're on the phone with you,
or need to get going.  
If they have a high level of arrogance, they might condescend to you with something like "OH Annie, do you really believe in that craziness?"
and then have to go do something "important".

In other words, they will treat you like you're a child (or a childish adult) who is behaving rudely and inappropriately. We learn these social behaviors as children, "How to shut a hysterical person down and calm the situation". "How to display dominance or importance". 
But these are often used in very inappropriate ways by those who are enveloped in belief, or who desire superiority and control. 

Of course if they ARE objective, you might end up having a nice conversation about something interesting, and exchanging information, observations, and point of view.
(What a concept..! Civil, intelligent discussion, without rudeness or primate domination displays!)


Kevin Dunbar's observations and experiments with Physics students and scientists:

Kevin Dunbar's observations and experiments about how the brain handles information:

“The scientists had these elaborate theories about what was supposed to happen,” Dunbar says. “But the results kept contradicting their theories. It wasn’t uncommon for someone to spend a month on a project and then just discard all their data because the data didn’t make sense.” Perhaps they hoped to see a specific protein but it wasn’t there. Or maybe their DNA sample showed the presence of an aberrant gene. The details always changed, but the story remained the same: The scientists were looking for X, but they found Y.How did the researchers cope with all this unexpected data? How did they deal with so much failure? Dunbar realized that the vast majority of people in the lab followed the same basic strategy. First, they would blame the method. The surprising finding was classified as a mere mistake; perhaps a machine malfunctioned or an enzyme had gone stale. “The scientists were trying to explain away what they didn’t understand,” Dunbar says. “It’s as if they didn’t want to believe it.”

....The experiment would then be carefully repeated. Sometimes, the weird blip would disappear, in which case the problem was solved. But the weirdness usually remained, an anomaly that wouldn’t go away.This is when things get interesting. According to Dunbar, even after scientists had generated their “error” multiple times — it was a consistent inconsistency — they might fail to follow it up. “Given the amount of unexpected data in science, it’s just not feasible to pursue everything,” Dunbar says. “People have to pick and choose what’s interesting and what’s not, but they often choose badly.” And so the result was tossed aside, filed in a quickly forgotten notebook. The scientists had discovered a new fact, but they called it a failure.

(Click to read the article)