Crazy Aunt Sally The Scapegoat

Codependent families do things like call each other about another family member who they have labeled as "emotionally or mentally ill", because they are "concerned" about them, but they will not speak directly to that family member. That would be too real, and too direct; and it would be something like treating that scapegoated family member as if they were a Real Person. 

They create the scapegoat in order to have someone in their group who is always lower status than they are, and to give that person real and direct support like they would give a "Real Family Member" would risk elevating the scapegoat's self-esteem and feeling of belonging, and that would upset the apple cart. The status quo in the family is created, and then carefully maintained, for years, no matter what it costs to whoever is elected "Scapegoat".

Often a person who is not even close to being mentally ill will be the person who is elected, only because they are the least likely to cause consequences. They are often the person who is easiest to paint "crazy", because of their gender, demeanor, birth order, appearance, or occupation. Often a high IQ, attractive looks, or looks that are "different" make a person a target of jealousy and who seek to push the person down. Cousin Sally who has a quiet or happy demeanor, who would rather sing in a band then go watch the men play softball with everyone else, is much easier to scapegoat than Uncle Frank, who is an electrician and plays softball on the town league. Everyone disregards Sally's actual reality, they simply delete it and replace it with their own; Sally has owned three businesses, is a composer and songwriter, an accomplished artist, worked with special needs children, is a good mother, does not go near illegal drugs, has a clean driving record, and has helped many people through the years. And yet they paint Sally as an irresponsible whackjob who "probably does drugs" (although no one has ever seen her do them), and promiscuous because THEY find her attractive; not even close to the truth. Frank, however, has cheated on his wife several times, has received 2 DUI's, has blown off his own child's school functions to play softball with "the boys", would rather go bowling and drinking with his male friends than do anything with his wife, and is still labeled a "Great, Stable Guy".

Reputations are often simply a facade created by families and communities, in order to maintain their illusion that makes them feel safe and feel like they are part of the "Good People Crowd". There has to be an outsider in order for there to be insiders.

Parenting Today

Yeah so how are good parents supposed to keep it together when everyone around them is pulling their kids apart? There's only one or two people a kid has for parents. If both are not in it with both feet, as in spiritually, mentally, emotionally, not just financially, and support each other; if one undermines the other and wants to gain power and respect over the other one by diminishing the other..parent in the child's eyes, then you don't even have one full parent.The disrespectful one is the one who tries to turn the kid against the other one; now the kid has no one he or she can respect.

So then what? Who does the kid listen to then? There is a whole globe of humans who hate, hate, hate, and they are the loudest monkeys, the ones who the kids will hear first and most often. The ones who the kids will learn from. The kid is not going to hear the polite, intelligent teacher who respects both genders equally and lives life with integrity. The kid is going to hear the disrespectful jerk teacher who favors certain kids over others, and blatantly makes harmful gestures and noises to the kids he harbors prejudice against. Or the teacher who makes light of doing drugs or committing crime. Or the coach who trashes the opposite sex in order to "motivate" the players. Or the cop who acts and talks like a street thug. Or the "cool Aunt/Uncle/Friend" who GIVES a kid alcohol or drugs. Or the pastor who incites people to hate and attack instead of seek peace. Or the community leader who treats people like they are stupid.

Kids are children, they learn from every single person they come across, and they don't know why adults do what they do, they just know that they are being accepted as adults anyway for whatever they do, even if it's ridiculously wrong. So if that's what you do to be a "man", learn to walk and talk like a thug or a politician, act superior to women, make fun of people, don't take anything seriously except for thug stuff; avoid doing anything at all that wrecks you Tough guy image; or if that's what you do to be a "woman", be mean to other women and try to hurt them, act submissive and dumb to men and try to get their attention and approval, learn to walk and talk like either a thug or a valley girl, don't take anything seriously except for "chick" stuff, make yourself into Mother Superior toward other women as another way to dominate them, avoid doing anything at all that wrecks your Girl Image, well then that's what they will probably do, because they learned it all by watching.