Crazy making
There is a cluster of behaviors that many people have, and the number of people with these behaviors seems to be growing. The reason for the growing number may be as simple as cause and effect, being around people who behave a certain way "rubs off" for a number of reasons, human mimicry being one, and reaction to adverse behavior toward us being another.
A short list of some of these behaviors:
He or she is consistently late, which is not the issue; the behavior is their insistence on having an "important reason" every single time, and a firm expectation of forgiveness, every single time. However, when you are late, your reason may or may not be "good enough", and you may or may not receive "forgiveness".
He or she wants to know where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with, more often than seems comfortable. However, he or she withholds the same information about themselves from you, even going places they know you like, with mutual friends, and not telling you about it.
He or she uses your things, sometimes asking first, sometimes not, but always with a "valid reason". And they often do not return your things, or even try to pretend that they are now the owner of your things by way of simply possessing them.
He or she has all kinds of "serious" problems that they need to air and talk about frequently, and they expect your full attention and sympathy for every one of these problems. However, your problems do not ever receive the same attention and sympathy, or even acknowledgment, no matter how severe.
He or she tries to diminish or dismiss your abilities, your talent, your observations, your intuition, your judgment, your ideas, or your future prospects. They seem to have a need to show that they are more capable than you, or that you are less capable than someone else.
He or she talks about themselves a lot; scheduled tasks, unscheduled tasks, plans for the near future, plans for the far future, events from the past and present, who they have seen and spoken to recently. He or she also avoids conversation about you or your life, and has a habit of diverting any topic you bring up back to either themselves or how the topic relates to themselves. He or she may not like to stay on topic for very long at all, unless it is about themselves.
He or she gives unsolicited advice, opinions, and judgments a lot. If you make a statement, or express an observation, the subject will be immediately diverted to a subject they feel comfortable with. If you express an opinion, if their opinion on the subject is not in alignment with yours, you are simply "wrong"; he or she does not understand the difference between objective facts and subjective opinions. He or she believes apparently that whatever they like is "Good", and whatever they don't like is "Bad". Whatever they agree with is "Right", and whatever they don't agree with is "Wrong". They will not listen to your point of view, because they already believe that your point of view is "Wrong" and that theirs is "Right".
He or she does not value the opinion, observation, knowledge or point of view of anyone they see as not being "Above" themselves; he or she creates hierarchy in their imagination, and then lives by this hierarchy, only listening to those they have placed "Above" themselves. If you have a master's degree, a doctorate, a PhD and 25 years experience in physics, he or she will dismiss your opinion completely if they have not placed you in an "Above" position in their imaginary hierarchy, but WILL listen with all ears to a random person who they have placed in an "Above" position. Many people do this with tradespeople; they will listen to a male auto mechanic who just graduated trade school over an expert female auto mechanic, or they will listen to a taller carpenter over a smaller one, regardless of which is the actual lead carpenter, or they will listen to an older plumber over a younger one regardless of which one is actually highly skilled. He or she will assume the nurse with the largest stature is the head nurse, and will assume the tallest man at the bank is the manager. This is an arrested maturity development and is for some reason very common in modern culture, not just within this cluster of behaviors.
He or she does not want you to be friends with certain people; you find that you are often left out of different social gatherings, even ones that involve people you are already acquainted with. This is because the person can not A). talk about you if you're there B). has already talked about you and doesn't want you to find out C) has hidden agendas with these people that he or she wants to keep secret from you D) acts differently around different people in order to fit in with them, and doesn't want anyone to catch on E) is afraid other people will like you better.
He or she goes around to lots of people who know you when you have an altercation, even friends of yours who they don't know well, even people who they know have caused you harm, and try to create bonds of friendship with them, and/or make subtle innuendos about you in order to covertly paint you in a negative light. Sometimes there will simply be blatant gossip and backstabbing. This is to paint themselves in an innocent and glorified light, and create a false picture of who is the "victim" and who is the "bad person". This is not the same as asking a friend to intercede or to help with a difficult situation, but it can be done under the guise of that. The difference is clear if one pays attention; one is actually asking for help, the other is simply talking trash.
He or she PROJECTS his or her own "faults" onto others, even onto you, right to your face. It is as if the faults can be transferred from themselves and put onto another person. So the cheater will accuse you of cheating, the thief will accuse you of stealing, the liar will accuse you of lying, the self-centered prince or princess will accuse you of being self-centered, the abuser will accuse you of being abusive, the flirt will accuse you of flirting, the promiscuous one will tell people that you are promiscuous, the know-it-all will accuse you of being a know-it-all. Etc. The confusing part of this one is that a person who does sincere self-examination will be blindsided by this, since they already have found some of these traits in themselves, so at first the accusations feel like they hit some deep and hidden mark. However. After a few too many of these projection bouts, one realizes that some of the accusations are WAY off the mark, and then realization begins to dawn.
He or she creates hostile environments, making enemies out of different groups, spreading propaganda from one group to another, making an atmosphere of drama and side-taking.
He or she may display aggression, hostility, controlling behavior, or abusive language, and then firmly expects full forgiveness for these displays, no matter how much damage they caused to you or your life. They seem to feel entitled to be forgiven for any transgressions, they seem to believe that the burden of "being a good person" falls SOLELY on your shoulders; they apparently feel exempt from having to live up to their own parameters of being a "good person". In addition, any transgression you make will be magnified and held against you over and over, in order to demonstrate that you are "not a good person".
You can apply these behavior traits to lots and lots of people, friends, family, coworkers, professionals, and those in the media, and politics. Most of us have at one time or another done one of two of these, but some do many of these on a regular basis. The reasons behind the behavior are often simply an abusive or dysfunctional childhood; it doesn't have to be parents who created the dysfunction, it can be people and society around us. Coping with dysfunctional people often leads to dysfunctional coping skills, especially if there is a scarcity of actual healthy role models. Coaches and teachers who display disrespect toward their team members and students, or who use disrespectful language to motivate (you throw/run/whine like a girl, or other disparaging comments about others, for example) are not healthy role models, they help to cause these dysfunctional coping mechanisms, and to create a hostile atmosphere.
If you want to learn more about these behaviors in yourself or someone else, search "Crazy making", and read the various articles you find. But don't let what you find on the internet be your end-all source of information, pay attention yourself to the dynamics around you.
A short list of some of these behaviors:
He or she is consistently late, which is not the issue; the behavior is their insistence on having an "important reason" every single time, and a firm expectation of forgiveness, every single time. However, when you are late, your reason may or may not be "good enough", and you may or may not receive "forgiveness".
He or she wants to know where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with, more often than seems comfortable. However, he or she withholds the same information about themselves from you, even going places they know you like, with mutual friends, and not telling you about it.
He or she uses your things, sometimes asking first, sometimes not, but always with a "valid reason". And they often do not return your things, or even try to pretend that they are now the owner of your things by way of simply possessing them.
He or she has all kinds of "serious" problems that they need to air and talk about frequently, and they expect your full attention and sympathy for every one of these problems. However, your problems do not ever receive the same attention and sympathy, or even acknowledgment, no matter how severe.
He or she tries to diminish or dismiss your abilities, your talent, your observations, your intuition, your judgment, your ideas, or your future prospects. They seem to have a need to show that they are more capable than you, or that you are less capable than someone else.
He or she talks about themselves a lot; scheduled tasks, unscheduled tasks, plans for the near future, plans for the far future, events from the past and present, who they have seen and spoken to recently. He or she also avoids conversation about you or your life, and has a habit of diverting any topic you bring up back to either themselves or how the topic relates to themselves. He or she may not like to stay on topic for very long at all, unless it is about themselves.
He or she gives unsolicited advice, opinions, and judgments a lot. If you make a statement, or express an observation, the subject will be immediately diverted to a subject they feel comfortable with. If you express an opinion, if their opinion on the subject is not in alignment with yours, you are simply "wrong"; he or she does not understand the difference between objective facts and subjective opinions. He or she believes apparently that whatever they like is "Good", and whatever they don't like is "Bad". Whatever they agree with is "Right", and whatever they don't agree with is "Wrong". They will not listen to your point of view, because they already believe that your point of view is "Wrong" and that theirs is "Right".
He or she does not value the opinion, observation, knowledge or point of view of anyone they see as not being "Above" themselves; he or she creates hierarchy in their imagination, and then lives by this hierarchy, only listening to those they have placed "Above" themselves. If you have a master's degree, a doctorate, a PhD and 25 years experience in physics, he or she will dismiss your opinion completely if they have not placed you in an "Above" position in their imaginary hierarchy, but WILL listen with all ears to a random person who they have placed in an "Above" position. Many people do this with tradespeople; they will listen to a male auto mechanic who just graduated trade school over an expert female auto mechanic, or they will listen to a taller carpenter over a smaller one, regardless of which is the actual lead carpenter, or they will listen to an older plumber over a younger one regardless of which one is actually highly skilled. He or she will assume the nurse with the largest stature is the head nurse, and will assume the tallest man at the bank is the manager. This is an arrested maturity development and is for some reason very common in modern culture, not just within this cluster of behaviors.
He or she does not want you to be friends with certain people; you find that you are often left out of different social gatherings, even ones that involve people you are already acquainted with. This is because the person can not A). talk about you if you're there B). has already talked about you and doesn't want you to find out C) has hidden agendas with these people that he or she wants to keep secret from you D) acts differently around different people in order to fit in with them, and doesn't want anyone to catch on E) is afraid other people will like you better.
He or she goes around to lots of people who know you when you have an altercation, even friends of yours who they don't know well, even people who they know have caused you harm, and try to create bonds of friendship with them, and/or make subtle innuendos about you in order to covertly paint you in a negative light. Sometimes there will simply be blatant gossip and backstabbing. This is to paint themselves in an innocent and glorified light, and create a false picture of who is the "victim" and who is the "bad person". This is not the same as asking a friend to intercede or to help with a difficult situation, but it can be done under the guise of that. The difference is clear if one pays attention; one is actually asking for help, the other is simply talking trash.
He or she PROJECTS his or her own "faults" onto others, even onto you, right to your face. It is as if the faults can be transferred from themselves and put onto another person. So the cheater will accuse you of cheating, the thief will accuse you of stealing, the liar will accuse you of lying, the self-centered prince or princess will accuse you of being self-centered, the abuser will accuse you of being abusive, the flirt will accuse you of flirting, the promiscuous one will tell people that you are promiscuous, the know-it-all will accuse you of being a know-it-all. Etc. The confusing part of this one is that a person who does sincere self-examination will be blindsided by this, since they already have found some of these traits in themselves, so at first the accusations feel like they hit some deep and hidden mark. However. After a few too many of these projection bouts, one realizes that some of the accusations are WAY off the mark, and then realization begins to dawn.
He or she creates hostile environments, making enemies out of different groups, spreading propaganda from one group to another, making an atmosphere of drama and side-taking.
He or she may display aggression, hostility, controlling behavior, or abusive language, and then firmly expects full forgiveness for these displays, no matter how much damage they caused to you or your life. They seem to feel entitled to be forgiven for any transgressions, they seem to believe that the burden of "being a good person" falls SOLELY on your shoulders; they apparently feel exempt from having to live up to their own parameters of being a "good person". In addition, any transgression you make will be magnified and held against you over and over, in order to demonstrate that you are "not a good person".
You can apply these behavior traits to lots and lots of people, friends, family, coworkers, professionals, and those in the media, and politics. Most of us have at one time or another done one of two of these, but some do many of these on a regular basis. The reasons behind the behavior are often simply an abusive or dysfunctional childhood; it doesn't have to be parents who created the dysfunction, it can be people and society around us. Coping with dysfunctional people often leads to dysfunctional coping skills, especially if there is a scarcity of actual healthy role models. Coaches and teachers who display disrespect toward their team members and students, or who use disrespectful language to motivate (you throw/run/whine like a girl, or other disparaging comments about others, for example) are not healthy role models, they help to cause these dysfunctional coping mechanisms, and to create a hostile atmosphere.
If you want to learn more about these behaviors in yourself or someone else, search "Crazy making", and read the various articles you find. But don't let what you find on the internet be your end-all source of information, pay attention yourself to the dynamics around you.
What is Sexism?
It's not sexism if you don't go to a woman's baseball game. It is sexism if you don't want them to play.
It's not sexism if a woman tries out for a team and does not make it based on her performance. It is sexism if she is not given an opportunity to try out in the first place because of her gender. It is sexism when she meets the same criteria that men have met in order to pass the try out, but is rejected anyway due to some made-up reason, like children do before they learn about fairness and integrity.
It's not sexism if a man is not hired as a grade school teacher because someone more qualified is hired for the position. It is sexism if a man is not hired as a grade school teacher because someone is "uncomfortable" with a man being around young children.
It's not sexism if a woman tries out for a team and does not make it based on her performance. It is sexism if she is not given an opportunity to try out in the first place because of her gender. It is sexism when she meets the same criteria that men have met in order to pass the try out, but is rejected anyway due to some made-up reason, like children do before they learn about fairness and integrity.
It's not sexism if a man is not hired as a grade school teacher because someone more qualified is hired for the position. It is sexism if a man is not hired as a grade school teacher because someone is "uncomfortable" with a man being around young children.
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