Proving Worthiness

You will find peace when you let go of trying to prove your worth. You are worthy now, and worthy enough. When you keep trying to prove that you are more worthy than another, what are you doing to them? Those who feel their own worth have no need or time to prove it, or to display it. They find great joy in helping others to feel their own worth.


Help You Help Yourself

Turn your emotional reactions into signals for yourself about others.
That sting and heat from insults and put-downs are meant to stop you in your tracks. The dark cloud feeling of someone invading your space or trying to exert power over you is meant to herd you into doing their bidding, or pay attention to them instead of what you're doing.

Next time you feel it, stop what you're doing, stop your thoughts, stay silent, and sit still. Don't respond. Or, leave the room, go to the bathroom, (act like you're using it so they don't come in), but don't respond.
Be still and observe, as if you were doing a scientific observation from a glass bubble.
Don't worry, the sting and the heat feelings will dissipate, they always do.

 >What really just happened?
>What did the other person just say or do, really?
>What were you doing?
>Were you trying to concentrate? Were you doing something in the realm of healthy/normal for a human being? Were you speaking in the realm of healthy/normal for a human being? Were you doing something disrespectful or inconsiderate to someone else?
>Would the other person have said or done the same thing to someone else who they respect very much?
>Would you do or say the same thing, the same way, to someone as the other person just said or did to you?
>What do you think their emotional state was, why would a person say or do that?
>Do they do this often?
>Do others around you or them do this too?
>Have you been accepting this behavior as a regional dialect and mindset, as if that makes it okay?
>Do you do it too, so you accept it when others do it?
>Do you think it's civil, healthy behavior?
>Did it help you accomplish your goal, or did it help to stop you, or set you back, or doubt yourself?

The more you do this, the easier it will be to do it, and the easier it will be to spot behavior patterns that are not helping you achieve your goals, or peace of mind.

What to do with the information once you've observed it~ you don't need to confront the person, especially if you're pretty sure it will exacerbate the behavior. Just take it and write it down privately, share or talk about it with a trusted counselor or friend, but ONLY a trusted person who won't turn it into gossip, or use it against you later. Share it anonymously on a support forum.

Happy Scientific Observing!
And welcome to the nerd squad! :)
I would much rather feel unsettled because I know what's going on around me than be controlled by it because I'm unaware.


Common Put Downs, Control And Domination

Some common ways controllers/dominators try to manipulate and diminish others with shame signals :

> Commenting on something the target is doing with a condescending tone, trying to make the target doubt themselves or feel silly for doing what they're doing:
"What are you trying to do?" "What is that supposed to be?" "How's that gonna work?" "You know what you're doing?" "Have you ever done that... before?" "Seriously?" "You actually believe in that?" "You're gonna waste your time with that?"

>Making negative statements:
"That doesn't look right" "That isn't coming out like you thought it would" "That looks a little crooked" "That's going to take too long" "That's gonna be too hard" "That's impossible" "It's never gonna work"

>Implying incompetence:
"You look like you need help" "You sure you're gonna be able to do that?" "Why don't you just hire someone?" "I'll get so-and-so to help me with this" "That's easier for someone taller" "That's easier for someone stronger" "Why don't you get so and so to help you with that?"

>Direct insults:
"You don't know what you're doing" "You can't do that" "You don't know what you're talking about" "You're too weak" "You should dye your hair" "You should whiten your teeth" "You need to lose weight" "You need to gain weight" "You think you're so smart" "You need to take lessons" "Don't quit your dayjob" "You're so slow" "You talk too much" "You're so short" "You could use some more on the top" "You're too happy" "You smile too much" "You mope around" "You analyze too much"

>Implied insults/incompetence/lesser status via comparison to others (usually said upon seeing you do something or learning that you do something):
"My brother builds bigger decks than you do and builds houses too" "My cousin is a PROFESSIONAL singer..." "My neighbor is a real writer, he writes for magazine" "You would probably learn a lot from talking to my friend who's a professional photographer" "My friend's son races motorcycles professionally, he's been endorsed by Mountain Dew" "My uncle is a pit mechanic at the Speedway" "My Dad's television is twice that size" "My cousin is a professional model, she's drop-dead gorgeous"

Bullies And Dominators

The desire to dominate others often begins in childhood, but it can come from a number of factors. A little boy who bullies other kids and gets away with it can obviously develop this desire to dominate, since he already gets a charge out of it and does not receive consequences for it. That's a kind of a little "monkey" compulsion that lots of normal kids have, both boys and girls; it's seen in ma...ny other animals, also. Humans are supposed to guide their kids how to interact civilly and respectfully, but sometimes they don't, won't, or can't ~(that boy's parents might be chronically ill or something of that nature; you would think another adult would step in, but people don't do that much anymore mostly due to the Narcissism epidemic, and the fear it creates).

The desire to dominate can also come from the other side of that coin; being a target of bullies, or especially a group of bullies. That could happen at school, in the neighborhood, or unfortunately in the child's own home. Plenty of human beings act like bullies toward one or more children in their family, and this behavior can also occur in group homes and foster homes.

Nearly everyone has experienced or witnessed bullying in childhood, especially in school. Groups of bully boys or bully girls will pick on other kids, targeting for all kinds of reasons, but the common denominator is always the "getting away with it" factor. Bullies target kids who seem weaker than themselves, or "different" in some way, ANY way, and ALSO kids who intimidate them for any reason, kids who they envy, fear, or are jealous of.

There are different "types" of bullies on the outside, like the "thug" kids, or the "jock" kids, or the "rich" kids, or the "street" kids, but on the inside they all have the same thing in common: the desire to display domination.

So, targets of bullies can develop the desire to dominate ALSO. The desire to dominate people who they see as over-confident, stuck-up, or are leaving them OUT. They can often feel very defensive, resentful, and even fearful around anyone who displays bully signals or behaviors. This is understandable, however they, like the bullies, are responsible for their behavior and their emotional and mental health when they reach adulthood. If they don't tend to their own healing, they can suffer for years with the affects. Unfortunately, they may also MISINTERPRET the actions and motivations of others, and believe they see bullying, clique behavior, betrayal and condescension where there is simply healthy self-confidence, open discussion, or healthy camaraderie.

In cases of family, foster family, or group homes where children are bullied within the walls of the home~ how does a child survive living with severe bullies if no one is protecting him or her? The child usually does one of two things~ either make themselves scarce, "invisible", which can be very painful and emotionally damaging, or become someone that the bullies fear (also painful and emotionally damaging, but also can provide a sense of relief, some freedom, and a sense of pride/confidence, albeit incomplete, but more than being invisible).
Lots of kids join groups and gangs to become "one of them", which can seem like a way to NOT be a target (either a target of that same group, or of another group.) To children, the world appears as a closed system. They don't KNOW that there is more to the world beyond what they grew up in, they're CHILDREN. So they have no way to understand that there are a thousand other ways of life out there that would give them happiness, peace, or joy.

Many seem to wonder why such a child would not simply join a sports team if they want to show that they're tough or competent, or get good grades in school. The answer to that is that children who have been bullied and/or abused have been emotionally beaten down, and therefore no longer have the confidence, the mental peace of mind, or the belief in their future that is required to even try out for a team, or improve their grades on their own. This child would NEED a strong caring person to help them heal, and protect them from further bullying and chaos, just like if they had a broken leg or an illness. Many people can only understand what they can physically SEE with their eyeballs, like a broken leg or a kid in a hospital bed, so they can't mentally comprehend why a kid would need someone to protect them and help them heal, or mentor them. These uncomprehending people can also make it difficult or impossible for another adult to step in and help a child to heal and grow.

If a child grows to adulthood without anyone to mentor them who is not part of a bully dynamic or culture, they may not ever even know that there is a whole other way to live. They may only think of people as either "Dominant" or "Submissive", "Leader" or "Follower", "Important" or "Insignificant", and not have any idea that they have only seen a small corner of the picture that makes up reality.

Such an adult will interpret the actions of OTHERS as either "Dominant" or "Submissive". This is why they are so reactive. They feel okay when they feel like they are in control, i.e. when they don't feel like they're being challenged, or left out, or humiliated. They can't simply listen to another point of view, or simply share their own, or discuss both without emotional investment, because they see everything as black or white, either/or, right or wrong, good or bad. If your point of view is different from theirs, you are seen as "wrong", or "stupid", or even "oppositional", or further still, "abusive".
They also usually have a hard time with staying on topic, because they quickly dissolve into trying to dominate the other person in a discussion. They often use condescending or personally insulting language directed at the PERSON, instead of keeping their focus on the actual TOPIC. They are always emotionally reacting to others and what others say, and their focus is on the PEOPLE in the room or in the discussion instead of on the actual matter at hand. It is extremely difficult to resolve any issues or matters of importance with such an adult. It is extremely difficult to have a conversation about anything beyond the current weather.

Dealing with such adults requires compassion, understanding, patience, and healthy, well-maintained boundaries. Sometimes distance is required as well.