The
desire to dominate others often begins in childhood, but it can come
from a number of factors. A little boy who bullies other kids and gets
away with it can obviously develop this desire to dominate, since he
already gets a charge out of it and does not receive consequences for
it. That's a kind of a little "monkey" compulsion that lots of normal
kids have, both boys and girls; it's seen in ma...ny
other animals, also. Humans are supposed to guide their kids how to
interact civilly and respectfully, but sometimes they don't, won't, or
can't ~(that boy's parents might be chronically ill or something of that
nature; you would think another adult would step in, but people don't
do that much anymore mostly due to the Narcissism epidemic, and the fear
it creates).
The desire to dominate can also come from the
other side of that coin; being a target of bullies, or especially a
group of bullies. That could happen at school, in the neighborhood, or
unfortunately in the child's own home. Plenty of human beings act like
bullies toward one or more children in their family, and this behavior
can also occur in group homes and foster homes.
Nearly
everyone has experienced or witnessed bullying in childhood, especially
in school. Groups of bully boys or bully girls will pick on other kids,
targeting for all kinds of reasons, but the common denominator is always
the "getting away with it" factor. Bullies target kids who seem weaker
than themselves, or "different" in some way, ANY way, and ALSO kids who
intimidate them for any reason, kids who they envy, fear, or are jealous
of.
There are different "types" of bullies on the outside,
like the "thug" kids, or the "jock" kids, or the "rich" kids, or the
"street" kids, but on the inside they all have the same thing in common:
the desire to display domination.
So, targets of bullies can
develop the desire to dominate ALSO. The desire to dominate people who
they see as over-confident, stuck-up, or are leaving them OUT. They can
often feel very defensive, resentful, and even fearful around anyone who
displays bully signals or behaviors. This is understandable, however
they, like the bullies, are responsible for their behavior and their
emotional and mental health when they reach adulthood. If they don't
tend to their own healing, they can suffer for years with the affects.
Unfortunately, they may also MISINTERPRET the actions and motivations of
others, and believe they see bullying, clique behavior, betrayal and
condescension where there is simply healthy self-confidence, open
discussion, or healthy camaraderie.
In cases of family,
foster family, or group homes where children are bullied within the
walls of the home~ how does a child survive living with severe bullies
if no one is protecting him or her? The child usually does one of two
things~ either make themselves scarce, "invisible", which can be very
painful and emotionally damaging, or become someone that the bullies
fear (also painful and emotionally damaging, but also can provide a
sense of relief, some freedom, and a sense of pride/confidence, albeit
incomplete, but more than being invisible).
Lots of kids join
groups and gangs to become "one of them", which can seem like a way to
NOT be a target (either a target of that same group, or of another
group.) To children, the world appears as a closed system. They don't
KNOW that there is more to the world beyond what they grew up in,
they're CHILDREN. So they have no way to understand that there are a
thousand other ways of life out there that would give them happiness,
peace, or joy.
Many seem to wonder why such a child would not
simply join a sports team if they want to show that they're tough or
competent, or get good grades in school. The answer to that is that
children who have been bullied and/or abused have been emotionally
beaten down, and therefore no longer have the confidence, the mental
peace of mind, or the belief in their future that is required to even
try out for a team, or improve their grades on their own. This child
would NEED a strong caring person to help them heal, and protect them
from further bullying and chaos, just like if they had a broken leg or
an illness. Many people can only understand what they can physically SEE
with their eyeballs, like a broken leg or a kid in a hospital bed, so
they can't mentally comprehend why a kid would need someone to protect
them and help them heal, or mentor them. These uncomprehending people
can also make it difficult or impossible for another adult to step in
and help a child to heal and grow.
If a child grows to
adulthood without anyone to mentor them who is not part of a bully
dynamic or culture, they may not ever even know that there is a whole
other way to live. They may only think of people as either "Dominant" or
"Submissive", "Leader" or "Follower", "Important" or "Insignificant",
and not have any idea that they have only seen a small corner of the
picture that makes up reality.
Such an adult will interpret
the actions of OTHERS as either "Dominant" or "Submissive". This is why
they are so reactive. They feel okay when they feel like they are in
control, i.e. when they don't feel like they're being challenged, or
left out, or humiliated. They can't simply listen to another point of
view, or simply share their own, or discuss both without emotional
investment, because they see everything as black or white, either/or,
right or wrong, good or bad. If your point of view is different from
theirs, you are seen as "wrong", or "stupid", or even "oppositional", or
further still, "abusive".
They also usually have a hard time with
staying on topic, because they quickly dissolve into trying to dominate
the other person in a discussion. They often use condescending or
personally insulting language directed at the PERSON, instead of keeping
their focus on the actual TOPIC. They are always emotionally reacting
to others and what others say, and their focus is on the PEOPLE in the
room or in the discussion instead of on the actual matter at hand. It is
extremely difficult to resolve any issues or matters of importance with
such an adult. It is extremely difficult to have a conversation about
anything beyond the current weather.
Dealing with such adults
requires compassion, understanding, patience, and healthy,
well-maintained boundaries. Sometimes distance is required as well.
