Judgmental, Critical, Superior Attitudes Are Usually Learned

Frequently implying that something has been done that's "wrong" or "shameful" or that someone should be "ashamed of" can be a conscious control tactic, done completely on purpose.

(Whooooo left the hall light on.... Whyyyyyy is there no milk... Wheeeerrree were you... Whaaaatttt are you doing.....Whyyyy are you doing that...) 

But it's more likely to be a learned behavior from childhood.
Children who may have maturation issues, developmental delay issues, possibly from a dysfunctional or abusive environment, may be more likely to more closely mimic behaviors of specific adults or older children around them, in an attempt to fit in with the group and develop an identity that the group will accept.

So little Shauna mimics Aunt Sarah's judgmental attitude, pointing out "flaws" and "mistakes" and "failings" in others, projecting motives and negative traits onto them, because she's literally just trying to be like her. Shauna, being a child, thinks Aunt Sarah is an important person in the group, because Aunt Sarah presents herself that way, being "above" others. And since Aunt Sarah pays attention to Shauna, she admires her and tries to be like her.

So when Shauna grows up, one of her main role models was Aunt Sarah, and she continues to act that way with little or no concept that there's anything "wrong" with it. She has been positively reinforced that the behavior is effective, because she seems to be able to get what she needs and get things done, and it makes her feel important (like Aunt Sarah). Other people seem to respond to it by doing what Shauna wants them to do, and that looks a lot like importance as well.

 So without much guidance AWAY from that behavior by other adults, (possibly because no one else was paying attention to her), Shauna doesn't even really grasp that the behavior is controlling or negative, she just thinks it's being "a grown up who gets things done" or "who is important", and "who knows what she's talking about". Like Aunt Sarah.

Shauna's sister Jody, on the other hand, also picked up this behavior, but not from so much admiration toward Aunt Sarah. She picked it up inadvertently as part of the group dynamic, the behaviors that are accepted and allowed by the group, that several members do in varying degrees. Jody does not approve of Aunt Sarah's or Shauna's attitude or behavior, and she's unaware that she's picked it up too, to a lesser degree.

Everyone compares themselves to one another in order to judge their own behavior and attitudes, so compared to Aunt Sarah, Shauna is "nice". Compared to Aunt Sarah and Shauna, Jody is a "saint". But if one goes far outside their system (like to another region), they all seem like very controlling ,very nasty people, it's hard to tell one from the other.

However to those within the system, in the region or group, Jody is "sweet as pie", Shauna is "responsible" and a "go getter", and Aunt Sarah is a "pillar of the community" to some (and a mean gossip to others).

Luke, Shauna's brother, does the same thing with their Grandfather, Grandpa Leo, who happens to be Aunt Sarah's brother. He pays attention to Luke (but not to Sarah or Jody), and he acts very confident and knowledgeable, and strong, so Luke wants to emulate him. He wants to be just like him.

Luke's Grandpa Leo also happens to have a similar attitude to Aunt Sarah's, not strange since they came from the same family. He doesn't get away with open 'gossip' because he's a man, so instead he criticizes everything and everyone as if they are all stupid or lazy, or crazy. Bossing people around is something he's always been allowed to do as well in the group, and he likes to condescend, it makes him feel smart and knowledgeable (just like his own Uncle Mike had done).

He also likes to make little groups of certain men and boys, just like his own Uncle Mike had done when he was young, excluding girls, women, and men whom he knows would not go along with it.

Within the cloistered zone of these little exclusive groups of like-minded men, they DO gossip about others, just like Aunt Sarah does, talking about how this guy down the street is a pansy, and that guy at work is a slob, and the woman up the street is crazy, and this other woman at work is a "hot babe" but "too bad she's a know-it-all" and "doesn't know her place". Etc, etc. This gossip factory looks a little different, but it's the same one as Aunt Sarah's, and the same one that they were exposed to as children. The boys who have been included in the group think they've been inducted into an important, grown-up club, but really they're being taught to have the same judgmental, insecure, finger-pointing, superiority mind-set.

So Luke grows up with a lot of his grandfather's perceptions and behaviors, and like his sister Shauna, he doesn't realize there's anything negative or wrong about them. Shauna has been told that when others don't go along with her or like her it's because they're envious, childish, and rebellious, and Luke has been told that others who don't go along with him or admire him are jealous, weak, and illogical.

Gossips and controllers like their Grandpa Leo or their Aunt Sarah usually create "exclusive" groups so no one can thwart their agenda, or be a positive, fair-minded, ethical influence on people within the group. These "exclusive" groups might be very small, like little cells within a family or community group, or they can be larger and larger, and still larger, all the way up to a national governmental or political group. Anyone who doesn't or wouldn't go along or agree with their agenda is unwelcome, rejected, even despised.

Healthy groups (any type, from religious to political to social to scientific) aren't exclusive, and don't reject those who are not in 100% agreement.




  

Gossip About Children, Sons, Daughters

It's not normal for a parent to gossip about their child with their friends, their partner, other relatives, or their other children.
It's also quite unhealthy to gossip about other people's children, relatives or not.

"He is such a loser, he just takes advantage, he's lazy and shiftless. All he does is sit on the computer. He SAYS he's 'writing' and 'working on a project', yeah sure. Show me the money. He's just trying to get out of working. Eats constantly, like a vacuum cleaner. He has no clue about life! He doesn't even watch Football with the other guys."

Adults who have such a habit are prone to surrounding themselves with other adults who do this too, OR with adults who are happy to scapegoat other people's children, but who put their own on a Pedestal.

A parent with Narcissism will typically either bad-mouth their own child, OR put their own child high above others.

Often, they will bad-mouth one child to others, and put another up on a pedestal.

Narcissistic parents (and uncles, aunts, and others) often create a dynamic of triangulation, suspicion, envy, resentment, shame, aggression, frustration, and dependency in their family. Some members are the "good people" and others are the "losers", at least today.

Next month or next year, who is in the "good club" and who gets left out and scapegoated might change, not according to who is actually "doing well" or "being a good person", but instead who is playing the GAME. Who is kissing who's behind, who is pretending to go along so they don't get targeted anymore, and who has stood up to someone's control or manipulation, or who has stood up for someone else against disrespect. (The latter two would be the ones who get transferred to the "we don't like them anymore" group). 

Other groups of adults who are charged with caring for, mentoring, or teaching children are also vulnerable to Narcissists within their ranks, instigating judgment, gossip, favoritism and rejection toward the children who are supposed be protected and supported.

It's NOT "normal" for adults to gossip about children, nor is it for people to gossip about grown children. VENTING is not gossiping. Seeking advice or support from non-judgmental friends or relatives is not gossiping.
Spreading negative implications or rumors, telling tales, casting judgments, and name-calling behind a person's back IS "gossiping", and is also slander when the gossip damages a person's reputation in the family or community. (When the rumors, namecalling, exaggerating, and false stories makes people think less of the person.)

The difference sounds something like this:

Venting: "I get so frustrated when my daughter turns all the lights on and doesn't shut them off, and leaves the TV on too, it's running up the electric bill. She shuts them off when I tell her to, with an attitude, but then she leaves them on again."
(Friends' response): "I hear you, my son does the same thing. I guess it's because they don't grasp about the cost of utilities yet. I wonder if involving them in the household budget would help."

Gossip/bad-mouthing: "My daughter is such a little princess, she's so spoiled, she thinks she lives in a palace, she thinks I'm her maid. Every time I turn around there are more lights left on, she doesn't care at all. She's such a little snip. I can't wait till she has to pay her own bills, she'll be crying for her Daddy and Mommy then."
(Gossipy friend's response): "You poor thing, that brat must drive you up the wall. I don't know HOW you do it. She must get that Royal Attitude from your husband's side."

Nope, definitely not normal or healthy. Children, both young and grown, who get gossiped and slandered by their own parents, relatives, and "friends of the family" OFTEN end up with emotional difficulties or even temporary mental illnesses from the extremely hurtful and confusing ill treatment, cold-shouldering, and ostracism by groups of people (who are supposed to be their caregivers) who participate in the gossip. They also OFTEN end up with many "real life" difficulties as a direct result of the way those around them treat them. Narcissistic adults DON'T mentor targeted children, they DON'T support them academically, socially, or materially (like non-Narcissistic adults would), and they cause "doors" (opportunities) to be CLOSED instead of OPENED for both young and grown children.
So while children who have been supported by non-Narcissistic adults are happily looking forward to the next opportunity and making the most of the current ones, children (both young and grown) who have been targeted by Narcissistic adults are trying to regain a sense of self, and sense of solid ground under their feet.

Gossipers triangulators usually got a head start during childhood, the habit is often passed down from an adult (or a group of them) somewhere along the line. It's mainly a way to give one's self a sense of false confidence and belonging, or to create a way to control others so they don't leave or so they do one's bidding. But sometimes, for some people, it's just about destruction, manipulation, and domination. 

 Many gossipers and slanderers appear to have some level of delusional thinking or paranoia.