Focus, Where Is Yours?

Focus.

When there is a person who has some form of Narcissism somewhere in our lives, that is where our minds are usually focused; we think, do, feel, and plan with them either at the epicenter, or at least always "in mind".

People with Narcissism make themselves into a kind of gravity point, and at the same time emanate "fragility". To put it in simple imagery, they're like a salt water crocodile made of fine china. You're always worrying about their bite and their tail whipping, and at the same time you're worrying about breaking them by walking too heavily near them or saying the 'wrong' thing. There WILL be consequences, whether they bite you, or someone else bites you for "cracking" or "chipping" them.

This image of fine. precious, fragile china combined with the snapping, gnashing, wide-reaching, hyper-triggered WRATH of the crocodile is how they project themselves into the world. Some people see more of the precious, fragile china, and other see more of the looming crocodile. So, some feel oppressed by the Narcissist, like one would if they had to live near a live crocodile, and others are very protective of the Narcissist, even hyper-protective, ready to strike at anyone who comes near (even the N's own child).

As a result, people make plans around the Narcissist as a matter of daily living. Much like making a Ming Vas the center of the decor in a room, and always being aware of it when one enters so as not to break it. Or like tiptoeing around and diverting plans so as not to wake or provoke the sleeping crocodile.

ALL plans are made either around the Narcissist or with the Narcissist in mind somehow. One may even feel guilt or shame when a the N. is not included or given control over plans. Others will rally to make sure that the N. is being "treated properly and respectfully", even if they have to throw someone else under the nearest oncoming bus to do that.

Some plans may be hidden from the Narcissist in order to avoid consequences from them like resentment and subsequent "punishment", such as slander/backstabbing or emotional abuse.

Many plans include the Narcissist that would not have included them otherwise. Many plans are made and then given over to the N. to allow them to "approve" or "veto" them, even if the plans have absolutely nothing to do with them. Activities and plans are constantly being reworked or nixed altogether because they might not meet the N's "approval", or PLEASE the Narcissist.

From mundane, daily activities, including basic self-care and self-maintenance, to TV shows, to what to eat for lunch, to what kind of car to buy, to one's clothing, to one's social life, friends and activities, all the way across the gamut to one's career choices, life goals, life partners and where one lives are planned by long habit AROUND the Narcissist, what the N. might approve or disapprove of, what they N would say or do in response to a plan.

This behavior of living around the Narcissist is taught and learned in early childhood, all through the people that a child is involved with.

For example:
In Kindergarten, Christopher is playing with blocks, intently building. Katherine sits down next to him and plays with him, helping to build this wonderful structure. Lee sees them and becomes jealous, and knocks them down.
Now, instead of removing Lee from the play area and giving him some kind of disciplinary consequence (which would help him learn that bullying is wrong), the teacher instead tells Christopher and Katherine to ALLOW LEE to PLAY WITH THEM.

So the teacher, in one fell swoop, just sent a clear message to Christopher and Katherine that they should ALLOW BULLIES to literally walk on them and what they're doing, that standing up for themselves against a bully is not the "right thing to do" and that they should feel SORRY for Lee and PRETEND IT DIDN"T HAPPEN. And a clear message to Lee that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to behave that way, that there will be no consequences, and that other people SHOULD LET YOU disrespect and stomp on whatever they're doing.

This teacher repeats this backward messaging throughout the school year. By the end of the year the children who bullied others in the class have developed a feeling of entitlement and have not learned a thing about manners, respecting others, or social interaction. And the children who were being bullied have developed a habit of looking over their shoulder, coddling the bully kids so they won't wreck their stuff, and feel afraid to stand up for themselves or tell on the bullies, because they know the teacher will not protect them or discipline the bully.

We are taught and modeled this Narcissist-coddling throughout our childhoods in all kinds of situations and groups.

The boys' baseball coach using female words as insults to the male-only baseball team is a widespread practice, and CLEARLY coddles bullying, entitlement, and prejudice. Racist terms (against whites, blacks, or any other race) are used in the same way in many groups.

Why isn't anyone standing up against it?
Because they are being brainwashed to accept it, OR ELSE. Go along with it, OR ELSE. If you're not "one of us", we'll single you out and make your life miserable.
It's conditioning children to accept bully and abusive behavior in order to be ACCEPTED, and also to behave that way themselves.

Everyone PUSSY-FOOTS AROUND the bigots, the name callers, the disrespectors, and the bully-punks-brats. In order to avoid consequences for themselves, and be accepted, even though it's acceptance from people who are obviously very lacking in integrity and respect.

It's not about "political correctness", it's about actual Focus.

When there is a person who has some form of Narcissism somewhere in our lives, that is where our minds are usually focused; we think, do, feel, and plan with them either at the epicenter, or at least always "in mind".

People with Narcissism make themselves into a kind of gravity point, and at the same time emanate "fragility". To put it in simple imagery, they're like a salt water crocodile made of fine china. You're always worrying about their bite and their tail whipping, and at the same time you're worrying about breaking them by walking too heavily near them or saying the 'wrong' thing. There WILL be consequences, whether they bite you, or someone else bites you for "cracking" or "chipping" them.

This image of fine. precious, fragile china combined with the snapping, gnashing, wide-reaching, hyper-triggered WRATH of the crocodile is how they project themselves into the world. Some people see more of the precious, fragile china, and other see more of the looming crocodile. So, some feel oppressed by the Narcissist, like one would if they had to live near a live crocodile, and others are very protective of the Narcissist, even hyper-protective, ready to strike at anyone who comes near (even the N's own child).

As a result, people make plans around the Narcissist as a matter of daily living. Much like making a Ming Vas the center of the decor in a room, and always being aware of it when one enters so as not to break it. Or like tiptoeing around and diverting plans so as not to wake or provoke the sleeping crocodile.

ALL plans are made either around the Narcissist or with the Narcissist in mind somehow. One may even feel guilt or shame when a the N. is not included or given control over plans. Others will rally to make sure that the N. is being "treated properly and respectfully", even if they have to throw someone else under the nearest oncoming bus to do that.

Some plans may be hidden from the Narcissist in order to avoid consequences from them like resentment and subsequent "punishment", such as slander/backstabbing or emotional abuse.

Many plans include the Narcissist that would not have included them otherwise. Many plans are made and then given over to the N. to allow them to "approve" or "veto" them, even if the plans have absolutely nothing to do with them. Activities and plans are constantly being reworked or nixed altogether because they might not meet the N's "approval", or PLEASE the Narcissist.

From mundane, daily activities, including basic self-care and self-maintenance, to TV shows, to what to eat for lunch, to what kind of car to buy, to one's clothing, to one's social life, friends and activities, all the way across the gamut to one's career choices, life goals, life partners and where one lives are planned by long habit AROUND the Narcissist, what the N. might approve or disapprove of, what they N would say or do in response to a plan.

This behavior of living around the Narcissist is taught and learned in early childhood, all through the people that a child is involved with.

For example:
In Kindergarten, Christopher is playing with blocks, intently building. Katherine sits down next to him and plays with him, helping to build this wonderful structure. Lee sees them and becomes jealous, and knocks them down.
Now, instead of removing Lee from the play area and giving him some kind of disciplinary consequence (which would help him learn that bullying is wrong), the teacher instead tells Christopher and Katherine to ALLOW LEE to PLAY WITH THEM.

So the teacher, in one fell swoop, just sent a clear message to Christopher and Katherine that they should ALLOW BULLIES to literally walk on them and what they're doing, that standing up for themselves against a bully is not the "right thing to do" and that they should feel SORRY for Lee and PRETEND IT DIDN"T HAPPEN. And a clear message to Lee that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to behave that way, that there will be no consequences, and that other people SHOULD LET YOU disrespect and stomp on whatever they're doing.

This teacher repeats this backward messaging throughout the school year. By the end of the year the children who bullied others in the class have developed a feeling of entitlement and have not learned a thing about manners, respecting others, or social interaction. And the children who were being bullied have developed a habit of looking over their shoulder, coddling the bully kids so they won't wreck their stuff, and feel afraid to stand up for themselves or tell on the bullies, because they know the teacher will not protect them or discipline the bully.

We are taught and modeled this Narcissist-coddling throughout our childhoods in all kinds of situations and groups.

The boys' baseball coach using female words as insults to the male-only baseball team is a widespread practice, and CLEARLY coddles bullying, entitlement, and prejudice. Racist terms (against whites, blacks, or any other race) are used in the same way in many groups. Bullying within the team or group, or one group against another, is just more "training" to accept the behavior.

Why isn't anyone standing up against it?
Because they are being brainwashed to accept it, OR ELSE. Go along with it, OR ELSE. If you're not "one of us", we'll single you out and make your life miserable.
It's conditioning children to accept bully and abusive behavior in order to be ACCEPTED, and also to behave that way themselves.

Everyone PUSSY-FOOTS AROUND the bigots, the name callers, the disrespectors, and the bully-punks-brats. In order to avoid consequences for themselves, and be accepted, even though it's acceptance from people who are obviously very lacking in integrity and respect.

It's not about "political correctness", it's about actual integrity.

We are taught to accept the behavior of those who clearly show that they don't have it, nor do they have healthy, strong boundaries, and live our lives around their knee-jerk, snappy, long-reaching hair trigger wrath while being ever so careful not to chip their fragile, fine china skin.

The focus of a Narcissist is on themselves, and on making sure that they are the center of everyone else's.

The Lantern Within; Human Connection and Manipulation

All people hold a kind of lantern within themselves, a natural energy that emanates warmth and light, When we are near one another we connect with one another's energy.  Human connection is not just an abstract, new-agey theory, it's actually party of our make-up. Infants who are fed, cleaned, and physically cared for but who are not "connected with" by others can actually die. Children develop serious disorders when they are forced to live without genuine connection to others, and adults have been known to die of loneliness, or even commit suicide from a lack of genuine connection with others. 

It's the main reason we live and work the way we do, in groups. Humans will find all kinds of "reasons" to end up doing something where there are other people, instead of doing the same thing in solitary. 

If our boundaries are healthy and strong, we connect naturally, without trying to control the connection. We don't try to take more from someone else, nor do we shut the connection off from someone else. Nor do we try to control or shut down the connections between others.

Those with certain personality disorders or some mental illnesses focus on these connections, and use them to try to control other people. They may do things such as turn down their own natural energy lantern in order to "punish" another person, so they feel unconnected and abandoned, and to display "power" and "control" over the connection.

"If you don't do everything I want you to do, I'll turn off my 'lantern' so you feel disconnected".  When this is done to a child it can be devastating in many ways, and cause the child lasting damage.

When done to a partner, this can also cause serious damage to the person's well-being and emotional and mental health.

Narcissists tend to purposely connect with others in order to establish trust, and establish a hard-wire connection with the person. The other person has no way of knowing that the Narcissist is purposely controlling the connection, that it's not a natural one. When the Narcissist wants something from the other person, he or she may "plug back in" and give the person a flood of warmth, light, and camaraderie. But when they get what they were looking for, they unplug again.

They may block the connection and their "lantern" on purpose in order to send a target a message of control and "authority", AND to manipulate the target into coming TO THEM in order to "re-connect".

After a while, the target can become 'trained' to be the one who's going TO the Narcissist, without realizing that it's not a two-way street. When a disconnect is felt, the target goes to plug it back in, which is a natural human action. We maintain our connections with others as a matter of daily living.

But Narcissists disconnect on purpose for all kinds of manipulative reasons, training a target to come when they're called being one of them. The palpable "disconnect" is noticed by those with empathy, and Narcissists know this, so they use it.

A target may realize after a while that the Narcissist is not coming to THEM when the disconnect happens. This realization can feel very painful, sad, and bleak; it can feel like abandonment and shunning. However it's really just a manipulation, trying to train the target to stay vigilantly focused on catering to the Narcissist. When the target realizes the game and tries to put a stop to it, the Narcissist will inevitably deny it and defend themselves, and probably have a melt-down. This meltdown gives them an excuse to continue the behavior.

Narcissists rarely ACTUALLY "discard" another person completely. Most "discards" are not complete, they're just a more extreme version of this same control behavior. They don't actually LET GO of the person in most cases, they are still playing this same control game no matter how much it looks like a "discard". That's why they slander and smear the person, refuse to let go or leave, refuse to talk about anything, or show up weeks, months, or years later, or keep in contact with the person's friends and family.

They Don't Like Your Confidence Or Ability

There are a lot of people in the world who don't like it when someone else is strong in themselves. They are dangerous because they don't live their own lives, they live in reaction to others instead. These are the people who focus on controlling, judging, and dominating others instead of themselves.

These people create elaborate, fictional illusions of who they want to be "strong" and who they want to be "weak", all based on their own fantasy world they've made up around their comfort and weakened egos. They need certain people to seem stronger so they can feel SAFE, and certain other people to seem weaker so they can feel SUPERIOR. They want both, "safe" and "superior", and the way they get those feelings is by re-creating their own pretend version of the world.

Whomever they want to be "strong", they will TREAT AS "strong", as if they are VERY strong, and capable, and able to learn quickly. Strong-bodied and strong-minded, they will treat them as. Regardless of the real person underneath.
They will set the person's world up so that they are ensconced in only certain play and certain learning. They will make sure that others treat the person in specified ways that "show respect" toward the person. They will convince the person that this "respect" is their birthright, and that they deserve it more than certain others. This has nothing to do with the other person who is being trained and modeled into believing themselves to be one of the "strong bodied, strong-minded" people, it's all about OTHER people's fictional world designed to make themselves feel safe. 

Whomever they want to be "weak", they will TREAT AS "weak" as if they were born that way, and as if no matter what they did, there's no way for them to prove that they're NOT weak. Utterly regardless of reality.. 
They will set the person's world up so that they are surrounded by and ensconced in only certain types of play and learning; they won't be permitted to learn or experience other things that might show their real strength of body or mind. They are kept separate from those who are being trained to believe themselves to be the "strong ones", in order to prevent direct communication, bonding, genuine competition and camaraderie. They are made to believe, through direct and indirect belittling, that they are not capable of doing things that the "strong ones' can do, and they are prevented, BLOCKED, from proving that they indeed are perfectly capable.

Both those being conditioned to believe themselves to be a "strong one" or a "weak one" are being conditioned for reasons OTHER THAN their own well-being and growth as a human being, and for reasons OTHER THAN "what is good for society". The brainwashing can be so deep and so effective that in a given region, BOTH targets ("strong ones" and "weak ones") can be seen and heard adamantly defending what they believe to be their innate, natural tendencies and capabilities, and lack thereof.

In other words, conditioned individuals NO LONGER STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES and say "I CAN DO THAT! I AM CAPABLE OF THAT!" like they would have in a healthy environment.
They actually have been convinced to believe that they are NOT CAPABLE of learning how to do certain things, because of the category that other people have forced them into.

Since they BELIEVE it, they have internalized it, they won't even TRY TO LEARN, won't even TRY, won't even ATTEMPT to learn something that they've been told only the other people are capable of doing or learning.

Since they have internalized it into their IDENTITY, they will ALSO FORCE THESE BELIEFS ONTO OTHERS. They perpetuate and contribute to the whole fictional, fantastic illusion themselves by playing the part, and projecting the parts onto others. So if someone appears who they think "SHOULD BE" in the "Strong Ones" category, but the person is not behaving like the others, they will try to force them into conforming, or reject them as a human being.

If someone appears who they think "SHOULD BE" in the "Weak Ones" category, and the person is not apparently behaving the same way as everyone else, as a "weak one", (which usually includes feigning a lack of confidence, ability and skill in many things, and deferring to anyone in the 'strong ones' category), there will also be an attempt to FORCE them into behaving like everyone else such as acting inappropriately meek, submissive and self-deprecating. Shame and shunning is almost always immediately used to try to force a person to conform to "weak ones" behavior. Aggression, rejection and threats, sometimes even physical abuse may be used as well, depending on the level of delusional illness on the part of the attacker.