Separating Feelings From The External World (Narcissists Often Can't)

The thing about people who have various forms of Narcissism is that no one close to them is tolerated to have any kind of emotions that don't make the N. person feel good, happy, cared for, safe, praised, or powerful. This is where a lot of the "eggshell walking" comes from.

("BPD". PTSD and other boundary issues can share this problem, but not for exactly the same reasons; the person with Narcissism will reject, discard, and turn on others for this, while BPD and PTSD usually simply feel affected or controlled and may become upset, even defensive, but won't viciously discard the person or "retaliate".)

Normal communicative exchange is literally not possible, because you might insert some kind of emotional expression into your speech that cause them serious discomfort, or triggers them to feel defensive, or to retreat, withdraw, rage, or discard you. Or you might express that you like someone or something that the N. is envious, jealous, or afraid of, or you might express positive energy, optimism, excitement, or joy about something or someone.

Their own emotions, feelings, are what they're reacting to, just like every other human being. The difference is that people with Narcissism issues think that all of their feelings are representative of actual reality. They don't identify what they FEEL as their own internal reactions and perceptions; they think that the external world was the SOURCE of their feelings.

So if they felt fear when they looked at the spider, the spider to them is CAUSING them to be afraid, it's the SPIDER, not their own brain function.

If they find another person physically attractive, it's the PERSON DOING IT, they are MAKING themselves "be" attractive, they are CAUSING the feelings, like you would "cause" a cart to move by pushing it.

They are very likely to assume that EVERYONE finds the person attractive in exactly the same way as they do, because they don't know that it's THEIR OWN brain that's causing their feelings.

So if YOU make some kind of noise that sounds like frustration or annoyance, and they feel a twinge of something when they hear your noise, they won't see each thing as a separate thing (your noise, what your real reason for the noise was, your feelings being just as valid as theirs, and their assumptions about your noise and your feelings, and their emotional reaction to the noise.)
You made the noise therefore you CAUSED THEM to FEEL the twinge (of whatever feeling they had in reaction to it). Therefore you're DOING IT TO THEM, and BEING "CONTROLLING" or "PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE" TOWARD THEM.
~~~
People who interpret everything another person says, does, and expresses as having a hidden agenda or covert meaning likely have some form of paranoia, and may be projecting someone else's behaviors from their past onto a new person. Obviously not getting treatment for this will probably destroy a relationship.

They may also be revealing that THEY have hidden agendas and meanings behind everything THEY do and say, and they're projecting their behaviors and motives onto the other person.

Where Scapegoats Come From

When a person gets targeted for scapegoating in their family, group, or community, it only really works if the scapegoating is instigated by a person who others either FOLLOW, FAVOR, or believe to be above reproach (which of course can't be real if they're a human.).

Scapegoating so-and-so becomes part of the culture of the family, group, or community when there are more people who go along with it than who stand up against it.

People "learn" who the leader is in a group by other people's behavior. They also learn who is expected to do what, how the group collectively views and labels each person (usually having little to do with reality), AND who "everyone" treats poorly as a regular thing. 

~~~ No one talks to Jerry, so I'm not going to talk to him either... he's weird... even though I know not a shred of information about him. I'm just going to go along with the crowd without question, because I want to be accepted by them. He looks pretty normal to me, but since he seems to accept the way people treat him, he must AGREE that he should be treated as not really a real member of the group, so I'm going to do that too.

~~~ Everyone speaks respectfully to Robert, and treats him as if he's the Leader and that he knows what he's doing, so I'm just going to go along with it without getting to actually know him at all as a person. He LOOKS like a Leader type... so I'll just assume that he's good at it, and just do whatever he says. If he says or does anything that seems immature, mean, or incorrect, I'm going to pretend I didn't notice it, because that's what everyone else does.

(Dysfunctional groups either fully support their Leader as if the person is "perfect", OR they discard, EJECT, the Leader as if the person is "terrible"; the black and white thinking does not allow for a Leader to be a real person who's sometimes right and sometimes wrong, or who needs the help of others, or who doesn't LOOK or TALK like they want a "Leader Type" person to.).

~~~ Everyone talks about Elizabeth like she is very responsible and a take-charge person, so it must be true, I'll assume that it's true and will just go along with her being in charge of all kinds of things without getting to know her at all, or reviewing anything that she actually does.
She looks and acts like a responsible person, so it must be true.

~~~ Everyone treats Melissa like she's annoying, so I'm going to as well, even though I know nothing about her, and have taken no time or effort to connect with her or get to know about her. Everyone says she's "this" and "that" when she's not present, so I'm just going to go along with them. I did notice that she has rather large breasts, and pretty eyes, so she must be either stuck-up, promiscuous, or an airhead.. at least that's what I want to believe, because I envy her looks, and would rather tear her down than be supportive of her. 

The dynamic doesn't just occur out of the clear blue sky, it builds and builds over time, starting with a specific event or situation.

Often the scapegoat is easily singled out in the group, they're "different" than the others in some way, which is one of the reasons why the others go along with it instead of stopping it.

Only people with bully and control issues initiate the dynamic, but the insecure, envious, non-self-aware, or others with bully issues tend to follow along very quickly.

An original event that may culminate in a Controller scapegoating another member of the group usually involves the Controller doing something TO the person that's unkind, unfair, or abusive.
Then the Controller gets worried that they're going to be seen to be unfair or abusive toward the person.
They may have treated the person poorly, or they may have not stopped someone else from doing it.

Either way, the Controller begins to target the individual in order to intimidate them, upset them, distract them, and sabotage their confidence or their actual projects, work, and tasks. At the same time they start a TREND in the group of targeting the person as "Someone We Don't Respect", or  "Someone We Don't Want Around".

Amazingly, the majority of people will follow along and not raise one question about it. When the target protests or expresses any emotion about the poor treatment, the group is already primed to reject and invalidate whatever the person says.

The reasons that a person might treat a person poorly in the first place depend on the Controller or bully's own inner emotional or psychological issues. They might pick on a person who's chronically ill, or who they're intimidated by physically. They might pick on a person who they envy, or who they believe is inferior to themselves. They may pick on a person because their physical appearance is different than their own, or different from the larger group.
A person whom an envier thinks is "beautiful" will often get targeted in the same vicious way as a target who a bully sees as "unattractive".

It solely depends on the issues of the person doing the targeting.

A common reason other than those listed above is when a person STANDS UP FOR someone who is being targeted for scapegoating or abuse. When this happens, the person who is standing up against the unfair or abusive treatment often gets targeted far WORSE than the original target, because he or she threw a wrench in the dynamic and also pointed out that a Bully or Controller was doing something "wrong", which they typically can't tolerate. So the person who stands up in the group against unfairness or abuse often becomes the NEW "Black Sheep", replacing the former.

It's also important to note that once the "cultural norm" of scapegoating an individual has been established, those in the group who participate will rarely be swayed to change the way they treat or view the person, no matter what happens, no matter what they find out, and no matter what the targeted person does or has done in reality. The scapegoating is not based in reality anyway, so reality does nothing to change it.

About The Fad Of "Tough-Love"

For God's sake put away that stupid "tough love" book, most people have no idea what it means or when it's appropriate, or why, or how. "LOVE" means you care about the person, as in CARE about the person, as in CARE.

Um... criticizing a person, bossing them around, judging them, shaming them, chastising or threatening them, or putting them on the street when they're struggling or too young to take care of themselves is not "helping" or "being supportive", and no, it's not being "real" or "being a good friend". It's just control freak bully behavior, shaking a finger at someone makes a lot of people feel important.